(This Months theme= (If I Ain't Drunk, Then It Ain't) Xmas by Corey Taylor)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=od7GUy9XS7c
Welcome Ye, Merriest of Gentlemen, and Ladies, To the Grim Grotto here at Enlightened Towers, For the past 3 Christmas we dismantled 1 aspect of Seasonal Entertainment. My first was my greatest moments in my lifetime. 2 years ago was Love Actually, a film based around Christmas. Last year, I made my own, Spoiler-Heavy, Version of A Christmas Carol. This year My film represents the most important part of Christmas.
Goodwill amongst Men?
FUCK THAT SHIT!
I MEAN TOYS!
Yes Toys have being made into movies, or rather 1 hour commericals revealing the new line made to look AWESOME!, So mammies are nagged to buy the new-ones rather than ones she had, all the while having a bemused "now I know why it was on sale" look.
Now to Bioncle.
I Never had Lego as a child, I was more into Dinosaurs/Fighting Fantasy/Power Rangers/Beast wars as a kid. So I Used Tv tropes to get my background info. So here's the skinny of the backstory.
Taking influences from South Pacific Creation myths, Lego Branched Figure Kits from it's Technic Range called Bionicle in 1999. Bionicle, being a portmanteau of Bionic Chronicle, had a webtoon that told the story of 6 colour coded and Elemental Wielding Teenage Robots with Attitude!, who have a shared Destiny to stop a sealed Evil in A can from freeing itself and ....YOU GUESSED IT!
TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8u7px_GzWQ
All the while unlocking weapons and vechiles to defeat evil. (sold separately!)
So Yeah, Bland and Predictable! But Successful enough to make a Dvd Movie by Miramix. (I Must add that Disney no longer has the right to Lego's property and Warner bros now shows Lego's cartoons on Cartoon Network)
So we begin as a voice over tries to sell the story to us.
In the beginning a Maoi landed on a island called Mata Nui and turned all the Stones and Mineral Ore into Stone and Mineral Ore people and Animals. The God was happy that he endowed all living things with the 3 virtues of Duty, Unity and Destiny. Until the Evil Cursed God to Sleep forever and Caused destruction until the 3 Virtues sealed him away.
And that's the Sinnoh Creation Myth...I mean the plot to bionicle.
We cut to Mata Nui, as a child called Jailer is searching for his friend, the chronicler of Mata Nui, T'Kua In an active volcano. Finding a totem and dropping it in lava reveals it as a Golden Power mask like that of the heroes of this piece, the Toa. T'kua is saved from the lava by the Totally Radical Fire Toa Tahao who rescues him with his surfboard/Swords/Climbing Spikes. He wants T' kua to research this new Mask, but after the pointless sports Montage.
It's here we meet 2 other Toa heroes. The only girl the water toa Galli and the OUTRAGOUS! rock toa Pakath'u (Really! I know it's not John DiMaggio but this V.A. is giving him a run for his money)
After the game, The mask's light shines on T'kua. So The 3 elders Transalates the Mask. It's eponymous Mask of Light, and they wrongly assume That Jailer is the 7th Toa. But it's T'kua the cowardly chronicler that is destined.
In a Caravan The big Bad Mak'huta releases his Goa'uld into 3 warriors. T'kua and Jailer load up their crab for a journey that's going to tell him to put on the fucking mask!
Galli is attacked by the Gould looking things the Rakshii who head towards the Lake Trio and attacks Tahao. These Rakshii have a power that really goes back to creation myths, A poison that puts negative feelings people
Back to T'kua and Jailler, The latter complains about T'kua being a dirty coward, They are attacked by a bear, only to be rescued by the Very Asian Wind Toa Lee-Wa, who gives the 2 boys a giant hummingbird as their steed to the frozen North. While there Lee-wa hears tribal drums telling him that the village was destroyed.
Continuing the quest. the 2 boys meet Surly loner Ice toa K'paku as well as a frozen army of Vahrak, Giant Lion-wolf things
I'll give you three guesses what happens next! the first 2 don't count!
Tahou has reached his village and is torn to see it destroyed.
Back to Jailer, T'kua and K'paka, They stumble on a fortress that houses the Not-System Lords as well as defrosted Lion-Wolf things.
FORESHADOWING HAS ARRIVED!
The Ice-guy is hit by a laser that knocks him out but regains himself to save the 2
The 2 boys enter a cavern and while separated, T'kua is confronted by Generic Bad Guy von Evil Pants. He taunts T'kua with the truth that anyone with half a brain and a small understanding of Sequential Storytelling has already worked out! T'kua leaves the quest.
Finally we meet the last Toa hero as Pakath'u visits Boisterious Bruiser Anura the Steel toa, Who had prepared a feast for T'Kua and Jailer.
(What exactly do Stone and Metal creatures Eat? Granted there's vegetation on Matu Nui but nothing that resembles food. Are the food like everything here something that resembles something on Earth but made of Lego? Or are they like the trolls in Discworld and they eat non-sentient rocks and metal?)
Anyway the Vashii saps the strength from the two toas and turns Tahao Crazy. T'kua gathers his courage and Goes after Jailer.
While the toas Heel Tahao, T'kua Returns to Jailer on a mountain, finding a temple. The Toa and the Vashii have a final battle. Jailer dies in the crossfire. T'kua puts on the mask of Light to become Taka Nuva, the Toa of Light.
So Taka uses his Sixth Ranger New Toyline Powers to Attack Giratina in the Shadow Dimension.
So Lets Finish the Year off with a Bang!
Big Good and Big Bad settle it with a game of Blitzball, On the Surface The Toas villagers and Not-Lake Trio Perform a ritual to summon God, Cresellina throws Giratina into a pool, combining into 1 Being, Jailer is returned to life as is Taka and so the Film ends with a cliffhanger that reveals the where God lives and nothing else!
THIS FILM SUCKS!
The Characters are Generic, The Story is too ambitious for a tv tie-in, and It's Purpose is too sell toys. Okay for a Web series circa 2001 the animation is good I'll give you that. But to end on a cliff hanger when you have no intention of making another movie is infuriating. I also made nothing but Pokemon jokes in this review mainly due to the fact that those things i mentioned are done more famously by them. I knew Nothing of the storyline and watching it on the Wall of Knowledge Extra only told me what the incessant Terminology meant.
In Short, Bioncle: Superb Animation, Loses points for Voice Acting and Script.
CREDITS
Bogger box office Christmas Special: Bionicle Mask of Light was reviewed, edited and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With Clips from
Street Fighter
and music
(If I Ain't Drunk, Then It Ain't) Xmas by Corey Taylor
Mask of Light is Distributed by Miramax
Bioncle and all related products are property of Lego.
To All of you At Bogger Box Office, The Enlightened Page and the TGWTG Forum, Wherever you are, Have a Merry Christmas and a Prosperous New Year
Jingle my Bell over at my Twitter account @saveusPOE for #boggerboxofficebytes, mini reviews until Christmas Eve.
NEXT MONTH: NORBIT
Friday, November 29, 2013
Friday, November 1, 2013
Eamonn reviews MacGruber
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
Infected by the evil of D.Y.H.A.T.M? Eamonn went insane with SatanicPower, Given that SatanicOstrich has left hell months ago, To shorten the time to the next TICKET TO HELL event, SatanicEamonn Destroyed the Multiverse Switchyard, Weakening the walls of the Mulitiverse, In short fiction is bleeding into reality, With the task completed, Eamonn turned back to normal)
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION)
Theme of the Month-from the soundtrack
Gerry Rafterty Baker's street
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7--mbE05A4I
Most Americans reading this would probably go up in Arms to why a film based on a sketch from America's biggest show, Saturday Night Live, would appear here on BBO, Ireland and the world's home for text reviews of Terrible Films?
I Answered my Own Question.
SNL Is AMERICA'S Biggest show, It's only shown in America, So when SNL, National Lampoon, and Kids In the Hall release a film into Europe, it's only through the goodwill of Cinema Patrons wheter that film is a hit or not.
And Believe me, Macgruber is no Wayne's World! It maybe Wayne's World 2, but it's no Wayne's World.
For those who never watch SNL, heard of it or Seen it parodied on every single WB cartoon since the 90's, I'll give you the skinny.
Macgruber is a 5 minute sketch based on 80's series, MacGyver. The sketch consists of Macgruber (played by Will Forte) trying to defuse a bomb only to get distracted and get blown up. It's one trick pony some how became an ad for Pepsi and then, this a 90 minute film.
So it's a film,
based on an ad,
Based on a 5 minute sketch,
Based on a parody,
Based on a 80's tv show?
Not since they made Rowan Atkinson's Barlaycard ads into Johnny English have I soiled myself in terror!
So let's blow the lid off the lid, peer inside and try not to inhale the fumes, this is MacGruber.
You'd be Mistaken, like I was, when I Saw the opening scene A Russian unit is killed by terrorists who steal a missle, Taking no prisioners. the Terrorists, led by Val Kilmer, even disptches a lone Survivor with a Bond one-liner.
Until the Opening credits show the Title charecter in stupid situations as expositary Lyrics play out. A secret file shows the blacklisted inventor's follies , as great as he is, he's also a major fuck-up.
We Cut to Ecudor, where Lt. Dixon Piper (Ryan Phillippe) and General. Faith are searching for Mac, now a monk living with the natives, only much like ace Ventura 2, they want to get rid of him!
The General tells Mac that his arch-nemesis Dieter von Cunte (Kilmer) (yes really! Forte must follow the George Lucus School of Terrible Villian Names) has stolen the warheads. Enraged, Mac still refuses to help.
That night Mac dreams of the day Cunte killed his bride to be. This convinces Mac to join the search for Cunte, but has issues with the rookie Piper so he reforms his old posse made up of wwe wrestlers Chris Jericho, Mark Hungry, The Great Krappi, Kane the immobile slab of Meat, Big slow and former wwe wrestler Mvp. he also finds Vicki St Elmo. (Kristen Wiig) who refuses. After telling us the van over his shoulder has the wrestlers and Homemade c4. It blows up on cue, killing his posse and making the wrestlers cameos, pointless.
In fact MacGruber had more screen time on wwe promoting his film than the wrestlers had in this film. Jericho had 3 lines everyone else had 1 line and Big show didn't even speak.
Or maybe Jericho got payed in advance and fucked off to play in his 3rd rate rock band!
Without a team, Mac is off the case, after bribing Piper to let him sodomise him, Piper joins him and Vicki has a change of heart.
We cut to Las vegas, as the search for Von Cunte starts in a casino he usually haunts. He does this blowing his cover and the entire mission. But no-one takes him seriously, but the security tells Cunte anyway.
Back to our Heroes, Mac has the inspiredly stupid plan of Dressing vicki as him. In the hopes that the criminals would be stupid enough not to just shoot their target on sight. But since this is a parody with Genre savvy villians and genre blind heroes, they attack the van with the MCGRBR Vanity plates.
After Killing the henchman with his van, Piper and Vicki find clues that lead the team to an abandoned railroad. After distacting the guards by Dancing Naked with Celery up his ass. (Seriously, Movie, I need to bleach my eyes!) Vicky dressed as a BEARDED! henchman gets shot at, surprisingly. The villians escape with missles launch codes as Mac's Homemade tennisball grenades are just tennisballs. Just as Mac fucks up tracing a call, Col. Faith provides intel on A V.I.P. party Von Cunte is throwing.
We cut to Salt Lake City, where Mac and Vicki crash Von Cunte's Party, with both being wired to Dixon. After Arguing about a passing comment about a guest being handsome, an angry Mac finds Cunte playing Poker. After insults and telling the nice villian who's on his team, Vicky spies a senator getting bribed.
Returning to D.C., Col. Faith takes Mac off the case. He reveals to Dixon why Cunte killed his wife. appartently he stole her from him.
Okay, standard fare. Nothing bad
.....Until he says he stole her, while she was pregnant with Dieter's baby and told her to abort it, and when she refused...Well, I dare go on, but the term "D.I.Y Job" was used!
Movie, you done crossed the line!
The heroes are ambushed and Mac uses Piper as a Human Shield, Despite him wearing Kevlar, He doesn't apprieciate Mac's Cowardice. When performing first aid, Vicky confesses her love and makes love with Mac. Heeerrresss Will forte's ass on your screen again!
Ashamed, Mac goes to his wife's grave. he is visited by his wive's ghost. he then Proceeds to...fuck the ghost, Giving us another screenfull of pasty ass!
He deduces post supernatural Coitus, that Cunte will nuke the State of the Union Address, Just as the crooked senator kills Col. Faith.
Mac returns to Vicky's, Only to find she's being kipnapped. Arming himself with the contents of a sewing box and a Celery up his ass, he apoligizes to piper.
So let's end this! The others go to rescue Vicki, But she frees herself, Cunte captures Mac to frame him for the attack, Cunte cuts Mac's Mullet, turns him apeshit, Piper sticks celery up his ass, Vicki knows Kung Fu, Cunte gets blown, only for Mac to finish the job at Vicki's and his wedding, but not before pissing and shitting on his skeletonised remains! Because that's what a likable hero does!
THIS FILM BIG TIME SUCKS!
Did i need to see Will Forte's ass every 5 minutes? I know, that's an abrupt way to start a paragraph, but if Forte thought people wanted to see him as a stupid, homophobic,xenophonic,ill-mannered,Morally bankrupt 'Murican, He was surely Mistaken. Once again, Wiig is in a film where her talents are wasted, (Ditto Phillippe). When did Val Kilmer get fat? he looks terrible, he looks like former Nfl player turned wrestler Steve "mongo" McMichael!
While many films have socially awkward heroes, usually their mixture of determined spirit and endearing charm, wins the day and usually the girl. But MacGruber is neither Mr. Bean or Ali G or Happy Singh (How's that for an obscure Film reference?). Here we have a charecter from 5 minute shorts. And much like caffiene, sugar and fat, a little MacGruber is all people can tolerate!
CREDITS
MacGruber was reviewed, Edited, and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music:
Baker's Street by Gerry Rafterty
MacGruber is Distrubuted by Universal
All Rights Reserved.
Follow me on twitter @saveusPOE
Next month: CHRISTMAS SPECIAL Bionicle Mask ofSHITE! Light
Infected by the evil of D.Y.H.A.T.M? Eamonn went insane with SatanicPower, Given that SatanicOstrich has left hell months ago, To shorten the time to the next TICKET TO HELL event, SatanicEamonn Destroyed the Multiverse Switchyard, Weakening the walls of the Mulitiverse, In short fiction is bleeding into reality, With the task completed, Eamonn turned back to normal)
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION)
Theme of the Month-from the soundtrack
Gerry Rafterty Baker's street
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7--mbE05A4I
Most Americans reading this would probably go up in Arms to why a film based on a sketch from America's biggest show, Saturday Night Live, would appear here on BBO, Ireland and the world's home for text reviews of Terrible Films?
I Answered my Own Question.
SNL Is AMERICA'S Biggest show, It's only shown in America, So when SNL, National Lampoon, and Kids In the Hall release a film into Europe, it's only through the goodwill of Cinema Patrons wheter that film is a hit or not.
And Believe me, Macgruber is no Wayne's World! It maybe Wayne's World 2, but it's no Wayne's World.
For those who never watch SNL, heard of it or Seen it parodied on every single WB cartoon since the 90's, I'll give you the skinny.
Macgruber is a 5 minute sketch based on 80's series, MacGyver. The sketch consists of Macgruber (played by Will Forte) trying to defuse a bomb only to get distracted and get blown up. It's one trick pony some how became an ad for Pepsi and then, this a 90 minute film.
So it's a film,
based on an ad,
Based on a 5 minute sketch,
Based on a parody,
Based on a 80's tv show?
Not since they made Rowan Atkinson's Barlaycard ads into Johnny English have I soiled myself in terror!
So let's blow the lid off the lid, peer inside and try not to inhale the fumes, this is MacGruber.
You'd be Mistaken, like I was, when I Saw the opening scene A Russian unit is killed by terrorists who steal a missle, Taking no prisioners. the Terrorists, led by Val Kilmer, even disptches a lone Survivor with a Bond one-liner.
Until the Opening credits show the Title charecter in stupid situations as expositary Lyrics play out. A secret file shows the blacklisted inventor's follies , as great as he is, he's also a major fuck-up.
We Cut to Ecudor, where Lt. Dixon Piper (Ryan Phillippe) and General. Faith are searching for Mac, now a monk living with the natives, only much like ace Ventura 2, they want to get rid of him!
The General tells Mac that his arch-nemesis Dieter von Cunte (Kilmer) (yes really! Forte must follow the George Lucus School of Terrible Villian Names) has stolen the warheads. Enraged, Mac still refuses to help.
That night Mac dreams of the day Cunte killed his bride to be. This convinces Mac to join the search for Cunte, but has issues with the rookie Piper so he reforms his old posse made up of wwe wrestlers Chris Jericho, Mark Hungry, The Great Krappi, Kane the immobile slab of Meat, Big slow and former wwe wrestler Mvp. he also finds Vicki St Elmo. (Kristen Wiig) who refuses. After telling us the van over his shoulder has the wrestlers and Homemade c4. It blows up on cue, killing his posse and making the wrestlers cameos, pointless.
In fact MacGruber had more screen time on wwe promoting his film than the wrestlers had in this film. Jericho had 3 lines everyone else had 1 line and Big show didn't even speak.
Or maybe Jericho got payed in advance and fucked off to play in his 3rd rate rock band!
Without a team, Mac is off the case, after bribing Piper to let him sodomise him, Piper joins him and Vicki has a change of heart.
We cut to Las vegas, as the search for Von Cunte starts in a casino he usually haunts. He does this blowing his cover and the entire mission. But no-one takes him seriously, but the security tells Cunte anyway.
Back to our Heroes, Mac has the inspiredly stupid plan of Dressing vicki as him. In the hopes that the criminals would be stupid enough not to just shoot their target on sight. But since this is a parody with Genre savvy villians and genre blind heroes, they attack the van with the MCGRBR Vanity plates.
After Killing the henchman with his van, Piper and Vicki find clues that lead the team to an abandoned railroad. After distacting the guards by Dancing Naked with Celery up his ass. (Seriously, Movie, I need to bleach my eyes!) Vicky dressed as a BEARDED! henchman gets shot at, surprisingly. The villians escape with missles launch codes as Mac's Homemade tennisball grenades are just tennisballs. Just as Mac fucks up tracing a call, Col. Faith provides intel on A V.I.P. party Von Cunte is throwing.
We cut to Salt Lake City, where Mac and Vicki crash Von Cunte's Party, with both being wired to Dixon. After Arguing about a passing comment about a guest being handsome, an angry Mac finds Cunte playing Poker. After insults and telling the nice villian who's on his team, Vicky spies a senator getting bribed.
Returning to D.C., Col. Faith takes Mac off the case. He reveals to Dixon why Cunte killed his wife. appartently he stole her from him.
Okay, standard fare. Nothing bad
.....Until he says he stole her, while she was pregnant with Dieter's baby and told her to abort it, and when she refused...Well, I dare go on, but the term "D.I.Y Job" was used!
Movie, you done crossed the line!
The heroes are ambushed and Mac uses Piper as a Human Shield, Despite him wearing Kevlar, He doesn't apprieciate Mac's Cowardice. When performing first aid, Vicky confesses her love and makes love with Mac. Heeerrresss Will forte's ass on your screen again!
Ashamed, Mac goes to his wife's grave. he is visited by his wive's ghost. he then Proceeds to...fuck the ghost, Giving us another screenfull of pasty ass!
He deduces post supernatural Coitus, that Cunte will nuke the State of the Union Address, Just as the crooked senator kills Col. Faith.
Mac returns to Vicky's, Only to find she's being kipnapped. Arming himself with the contents of a sewing box and a Celery up his ass, he apoligizes to piper.
So let's end this! The others go to rescue Vicki, But she frees herself, Cunte captures Mac to frame him for the attack, Cunte cuts Mac's Mullet, turns him apeshit, Piper sticks celery up his ass, Vicki knows Kung Fu, Cunte gets blown, only for Mac to finish the job at Vicki's and his wedding, but not before pissing and shitting on his skeletonised remains! Because that's what a likable hero does!
THIS FILM BIG TIME SUCKS!
Did i need to see Will Forte's ass every 5 minutes? I know, that's an abrupt way to start a paragraph, but if Forte thought people wanted to see him as a stupid, homophobic,xenophonic,ill-mannered,Morally bankrupt 'Murican, He was surely Mistaken. Once again, Wiig is in a film where her talents are wasted, (Ditto Phillippe). When did Val Kilmer get fat? he looks terrible, he looks like former Nfl player turned wrestler Steve "mongo" McMichael!
While many films have socially awkward heroes, usually their mixture of determined spirit and endearing charm, wins the day and usually the girl. But MacGruber is neither Mr. Bean or Ali G or Happy Singh (How's that for an obscure Film reference?). Here we have a charecter from 5 minute shorts. And much like caffiene, sugar and fat, a little MacGruber is all people can tolerate!
CREDITS
MacGruber was reviewed, Edited, and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music:
Baker's Street by Gerry Rafterty
MacGruber is Distrubuted by Universal
All Rights Reserved.
Follow me on twitter @saveusPOE
Next month: CHRISTMAS SPECIAL Bionicle Mask of
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Halloween special: 80's Lad, Like, reviews Pearblossom aka Lifeblood
(SatanicEamonn's Line in Red)
80'S LAD'S REVIEW IN ORANGE)
(Mammie's Line in Pink)
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
After Reviewing The Razzie nominated Did you Hear about the Morgans? The Evil Power of 1 the Devil's DVDs Offset the balance in Eamonn's Soul. The Power he had stolen by Punching SatanicOstrich all of 4 years ago, had control of him. he now stood there in Joe-Jack's Sitting room, look like the lord of flies himself.
If you know what's good for you, You'll stay out of my way!
(Eamonn sprouted wings and flew out the window, Collapsing the supporting Wall As he flew away.)
Joe-Jack can ya closhe da window? deresh a Big Draft comin' in, so deres is!
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
(theme of the month-from the soundtrack Donavan-Mellow Yellow http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrbni0tVBZ8
DDDUUUUUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDEEEEEE!
It's Me the totally tubular 80's Lad hosting our showcase of the tres bogus Sci-fi and horror the film channels have to offer. Rewind your mind back to 2012, ladles and germs,When we reviewed Nazis at the Centre of the Earth man, We thought could film have something bigger to offend people further?
How about A Lesbian God?
So lets Open Our Showcase and Welcome Life Blood to your collective consciousness.
We Open to 2 lezzers, lessing off at a new years party in 1969, One of them is Sophie "No Junk in The Trunk" Monk. After the party is over, the 2 girls are arguing and we are told in flashback that Brooke (Monk) killed a rapist whilst he was in the act. So now Rhea and Brooke are now on the run.
As they speed off, they find a pearblossom in the windscreen that beats a heartbeat, distracting them long enough to kill a possum. Angered by her lovers disregard for Life, Rhea storms off, but returns when a spectre attacks Brooke that knocks her out. Rhea Meets God and she (yes, she!) makes out with Rhea and turns her into an angel.
BY FUCKING HER!
Now that's what I call a magic box. man!
We now Jump forward to new years eve 2009 as a cocoon opens up to reveal the newly formed vampire-angel things. As Brooke realise her Sexual appetite has now become her actual Appetite, And since he hasn't had any for 40 years, goes on a killing spree as Rhea tries(and fails) to be voice of reason. Brooke reveals that god turned her into something that feeds on flesh, while she turned Rhea into something that feeds on flesh-eaters.
So are they vampire angels or 1 is a vampire and the other is an angel? Or are vampires secondary predators and all the long something can eat vampires? I'm confused.
More importantly, Why would God make an evil being? Are there Vacancies in Heaven?
Holed up in a Petrol Station, as sunlight can kill them,Rhea tries to convince Brooke that if they must eat flesh to survive then they must keep out of trouble, Brooke refuses but rhea bites Brooke as she proclaims her evil soul is Delicious.
Watching TV, They find out the rape victim they saved (who has not aged despite it being 40 years ago.) has sold her story and claimed her rapist was her lover to paint the girls in a bad light. Brooke vows to kill her. and Kills rhea when she argues back.
With Rhea Indisposed, Brooke kills a family of tourists as the store clerk escapes finding a midget cop who goes toward the station. After a stand off between them, Brooke kills the midget and then all the police.
But then God comes and DUES EX MACHINA happens fucking Rhea back to life, who chases down Brooke in a stolen Copcar.
And the film ends by Rhea bitch-slapping Brooke so hard she is impaled on a railroad crossing sign. Rhea is a vigilante now feeding on the souls of wicked people, as we cut back to the railroad sign with the body of Brooke gone!
This Film is so BOGUS, My Mans!
As well as being a second-rate model, No Junk-in-the-Trunk Monk zimmers through each scene without ever emoting. But the 8-zeroes-L knows after watching neighbours and home and away, that's just the way Aussies talk! Any film with a midget can't and won't be taken seriously, A lesbian God was only there to attract an audience and if I want to hear new age mumbo jumbo, I'd talk to my Dad, Sixties Dad! Well no wonder i got lost, duders, this maybe our worst review yet, but blame it on the source Material.
(MEANWHILE AT THE TRAIN STATION WHERE THE EXPRESS TO HELL ARRIVES EACH MAY,
SatanicEamonn swoops in and using his corrupted powers and inhuman strength, Destroys the Switchyard of The Multiverse!)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, LOOK LIKE I WAS RIGHT, IT SEEMS THAT ALL THE TRAIN SERVICES ARE GOING TO HELL! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(With his mission over, the Devil's Dvd ejected itself and returned to the pits. Leaving Eamonn to contemplate What he just done!)
Eamonn Returns to BBO Next Month! But can he live with what he did? Find out next Month as he reviews MacGruber!
CREDITS
LifeBlood was reviewed, Compiled and Edited by, starring as 80's Lad, by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music
Mellow Yellow by Donavan
Pearblossom aka Lifeblood aka Murder World aka Sunset Vampires is distributed by Bleiberg Entertainment. All Rights Reserved.
Follow me on Twitter @saveusPOE Or search TGWTGEamonn
80'S LAD'S REVIEW IN ORANGE)
(Mammie's Line in Pink)
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
After Reviewing The Razzie nominated Did you Hear about the Morgans? The Evil Power of 1 the Devil's DVDs Offset the balance in Eamonn's Soul. The Power he had stolen by Punching SatanicOstrich all of 4 years ago, had control of him. he now stood there in Joe-Jack's Sitting room, look like the lord of flies himself.
If you know what's good for you, You'll stay out of my way!
(Eamonn sprouted wings and flew out the window, Collapsing the supporting Wall As he flew away.)
Joe-Jack can ya closhe da window? deresh a Big Draft comin' in, so deres is!
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
(theme of the month-from the soundtrack Donavan-Mellow Yellow http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrbni0tVBZ8
DDDUUUUUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDEEEEEE!
It's Me the totally tubular 80's Lad hosting our showcase of the tres bogus Sci-fi and horror the film channels have to offer. Rewind your mind back to 2012, ladles and germs,When we reviewed Nazis at the Centre of the Earth man, We thought could film have something bigger to offend people further?
How about A Lesbian God?
So lets Open Our Showcase and Welcome Life Blood to your collective consciousness.
We Open to 2 lezzers, lessing off at a new years party in 1969, One of them is Sophie "No Junk in The Trunk" Monk. After the party is over, the 2 girls are arguing and we are told in flashback that Brooke (Monk) killed a rapist whilst he was in the act. So now Rhea and Brooke are now on the run.
As they speed off, they find a pearblossom in the windscreen that beats a heartbeat, distracting them long enough to kill a possum. Angered by her lovers disregard for Life, Rhea storms off, but returns when a spectre attacks Brooke that knocks her out. Rhea Meets God and she (yes, she!) makes out with Rhea and turns her into an angel.
BY FUCKING HER!
Now that's what I call a magic box. man!
We now Jump forward to new years eve 2009 as a cocoon opens up to reveal the newly formed vampire-angel things. As Brooke realise her Sexual appetite has now become her actual Appetite, And since he hasn't had any for 40 years, goes on a killing spree as Rhea tries(and fails) to be voice of reason. Brooke reveals that god turned her into something that feeds on flesh, while she turned Rhea into something that feeds on flesh-eaters.
So are they vampire angels or 1 is a vampire and the other is an angel? Or are vampires secondary predators and all the long something can eat vampires? I'm confused.
More importantly, Why would God make an evil being? Are there Vacancies in Heaven?
Holed up in a Petrol Station, as sunlight can kill them,Rhea tries to convince Brooke that if they must eat flesh to survive then they must keep out of trouble, Brooke refuses but rhea bites Brooke as she proclaims her evil soul is Delicious.
Watching TV, They find out the rape victim they saved (who has not aged despite it being 40 years ago.) has sold her story and claimed her rapist was her lover to paint the girls in a bad light. Brooke vows to kill her. and Kills rhea when she argues back.
With Rhea Indisposed, Brooke kills a family of tourists as the store clerk escapes finding a midget cop who goes toward the station. After a stand off between them, Brooke kills the midget and then all the police.
But then God comes and DUES EX MACHINA happens fucking Rhea back to life, who chases down Brooke in a stolen Copcar.
And the film ends by Rhea bitch-slapping Brooke so hard she is impaled on a railroad crossing sign. Rhea is a vigilante now feeding on the souls of wicked people, as we cut back to the railroad sign with the body of Brooke gone!
This Film is so BOGUS, My Mans!
As well as being a second-rate model, No Junk-in-the-Trunk Monk zimmers through each scene without ever emoting. But the 8-zeroes-L knows after watching neighbours and home and away, that's just the way Aussies talk! Any film with a midget can't and won't be taken seriously, A lesbian God was only there to attract an audience and if I want to hear new age mumbo jumbo, I'd talk to my Dad, Sixties Dad! Well no wonder i got lost, duders, this maybe our worst review yet, but blame it on the source Material.
(MEANWHILE AT THE TRAIN STATION WHERE THE EXPRESS TO HELL ARRIVES EACH MAY,
SatanicEamonn swoops in and using his corrupted powers and inhuman strength, Destroys the Switchyard of The Multiverse!)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, LOOK LIKE I WAS RIGHT, IT SEEMS THAT ALL THE TRAIN SERVICES ARE GOING TO HELL! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(With his mission over, the Devil's Dvd ejected itself and returned to the pits. Leaving Eamonn to contemplate What he just done!)
Eamonn Returns to BBO Next Month! But can he live with what he did? Find out next Month as he reviews MacGruber!
CREDITS
LifeBlood was reviewed, Compiled and Edited by, starring as 80's Lad, by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music
Mellow Yellow by Donavan
Pearblossom aka Lifeblood aka Murder World aka Sunset Vampires is distributed by Bleiberg Entertainment. All Rights Reserved.
Follow me on Twitter @saveusPOE Or search TGWTGEamonn
Monday, September 2, 2013
Eamonn gets kidnapped, Forced to review Did you hear about the Morgans?
(we open to Eamonn asleep on the couch with cans of Energy drink everywhere, he is awoke by his phone Stumbling into a new found headache, he reaches to read 35 missed calls, all from Joe-Jack. he calls him. As he does he notices his door is chained like Silent hill the room.)
(slurred) I'm locked out of the rest of my house! Where are you?
I'm sorry for (crying)....I HAD TA! YA WOULDN'TDO IT IF I DID ASKYA!
Do what? couldn't you or 80's Lad do it?
We had t'keep it a secret, so we had t'trap ya wif dem dere spiked drinks, it is another another Divil's dvd as bad as leap year and Silent hill but this more potent dan me zombie makin' poteen so it is!
what can be more potent that your zombie Moonshine?
(he pressed play. the screen for Did You hear About the Morgans? play out!
FUCK NO! JOE-JACK, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!!
(this month's theme-Crazy little thing called love-DONE RIGHT!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EE34cSvZCd8
For those who never heard of this film 90% percent of you welcome to the Razzie nominated rom-com bomb that killed off the carears of it's two leads. And considering the 2 leads are Hugh "Pervo" Grant and Sarah Jessica Horse-Face, my least favorite actors, I'm so glad they did!
So lets dig into D.Y.H.A.T.M? The worst film to come out of the worse genre starring the worse actor and actress! (actual Razzie response)
Before I start, Rather than the tired old "You wouldn't steal a car" video that my countrymen Bryne and O'Breen have parodied, we were told this bold claim.
"By buying this dvd, you're helping funding the British Film and Television Industry!"
No wonder ITV are reduced to Towie, "celebrity" shows and Horrid Henry, If the British tv industry pinned their hopes on this!
We open to a blank screen as we hear Paul Morgan (Pervo) trying to ask his ex-wife Merrell (HorseFace) to dinner. We are told early that she is a realter that made the cover of magazine. Remember this.
While Merrell is enjoying her life as a newly-divorced socialite, Pervo is trying to win her back with lavish gifts and gatecrshing her Breast cancer gala.
Hugh probably went there, because it has the word breast in it!
So they go out to dinner the next night. There is also a sub-plot between the Morgans' P.A.s , a Topher Grace stand-in and Natalia Klimas, an actress that looks like the secret love-child of Jennifer Garner and Amy Adams or Jennamy Garnadams as I'll call her from now on! the Sub-plot is an insufferable Everything You Can do/Aww They Really Love Each Other plot! Except without any warmth or tenderness and lots more childish name calling and tazers!
So as the Morgans walk home, It's revealed to the audience that Hugh Grant of all people, was caught with a hooker!
They walk past a house that Merrell sold earlier, as the client falls from the balcony with a knife in his back. The murderer spots the Morgans. Thanks to the plot-point of the Magazine Cover, the Murderer has an idea who she is.
After being targeted at home, the police tells the Morgans that the man murdered was an arms dealer testifying against a Terrorist Hiding in Europe. and as witnesses, they will be put together into a witness Protection Programme.
(facepalming, shaking his head, Laughing)
this is so stupid!
TRY AGAIN DUMBASS!
I read Phoenix Wright Fan-fiction with Less Artistic License than this!
So the Idiots are relocated to Wyoming and after complaining about not packing enough clothes, the sheriff pulls over to a Bargain Barn, and cheap clothes are a Culture shock to these Gobshites!
Also the deputies protecting the Morgans are Man and Wive and avid Hunters, something that disagrees with the vegatarian PETA Patron Merrell but it's a Compressed Vice.
Meanwhile back in New york, Not-Topher Grace and Jennamy Garnadams are planted Trackers by the hitman.
Back in Wyoming, the culture shock continues for the spoilt handrared fuckers as Paul is attacked by a bear. The only Doctor in town is a pediactric. Not being guarded Merrell calls an adoption agency to cancel services as her call gets traced.
So the morgans are arguing so much that even the sheriffs wants to get them out of the house. So they teach the morgans to ride a horse and shoot rifles, getting Paul hurt in the process so he must see that the pediatrician again and is offered a lollipop! Merrell let's slip she is an estate agent and becomes the town's self-appointed busybody, this agitates some people when they go out to dinner, when she asks the local toughnut named Earl(Wilfred Brimley) not to smoke.
You don't want to piss off Brimley! He could turn into the Thing and eat your face! Actually, "the Thing eats Perv-o and Horse-face" would be a far better film than this!
The next day, Earl comes up to Paul because he needs a lawyer to draw a will. despite A) How did anyone know he was a lawyer and B) since he is under an assumed alias, any drafts will be under scutiny.
Back in NYC, Gopher#1 call's merrel's tapped number but Gopher 2 kisses her, only to get tazered.
Talk about extreme No-Touchies!
Now we have some real bullshit dialogue. As out in the night sky, Merrell looks at the stars and claims she never seen the real stars before!
You know what? THAT'S BULLSHIT! AND HERE'S WHY! Remember when you were young and had picture books? I'm sure you did. First words of animals in the farm and in the jungle! I First went to Dublin zoo when I was 11 but knew what a lion looked like before actually seeing 1.
What i'm driving at is, not knowing what something looks like is stupid, since we live in an audiovisual world where we know what thinks look like before we ever see them for ourselves.
Also in attempt to get a more high-brow job Horse-face quotes Shakespeare, yeah I doubt that will ever happen. And Reminiscing about there marraige makes them get back together, just as the seperate sites are issued and the hitman touches down in Wyoming.
BECAUSE THE PLOT SAYS SO!
Oh and the reason Merrell wants to have kids is that Paul once nursed a mouse back to heath!
Somewhere a sentient floppy fringe with a tail and whiskers is bribing the other mice for sex with cheese!
So the Morgans are invited to the (only) social event of the year, The Rodeo, as Pervo and Horse-Face dance to a terrible country version of Crazy little thing called love, Sang by who I thought was Rebecca Black! When they discuss getting back together, Merrell confesses to sleeping with someone else during the separation.
"Why" askes Paul.
"WHY?"
WHY NOT?
I Thought what you did when you where divorced was not your ex-spouse's concern. And as you keep drilling in our heads, movie, THEY HAVE NO CHILDREN! So it wouldn't matter even if they did keep in touch!
The next day the assassian arrives as the Morgans bitch and moan about there crappy lives. I really hope the happy ending is them choking on Lead slugs!
Speaking of Which, the assassian has took advantage of everyone being at the rodeo, The morgans escape with the gunman on their trail, Hiding at the rodeo, they have the inspiredly stupid Idea of dressing as a pantomime bull in a Bull-ring. But entire town rushes the assassian and outguns him.
So this turd is covered and flushed when the assassian is arrested, the morgans return with an adoptive child and Not-Topher and Jennamy Garnadams are a couple and have their jobs back. Despite nearly killing their employers!
THIS FILM SUCKS!....But what didya expect? Shakespeare? and hearing Horse-face quote the bard is making me consider being a two-blog reviewer.
Stupid Dialogue, tired stereotypes and over exaggeration of the differences between life in Wyoming and New York City.
As someone who has never being there I must apoligise to any person from Wyoming reading this who or who saw this trash. I'm sure your state is not the cultural wasteland it is depicted as here. There is only 1 cultural Wasteland and it's called Da Wesht Ov Ireland!
Oi I'm standin' outside dis door! Don't mak' me come in dere!
And New York is depicted as an overcrowded, Overpolluted Deathropolis with that "Never Seen The Stars" Speech. If you have a Big Park in the middle of the city and People can see amimals not on plates, then it's hardly Anhk-Morpok, now is it?
In fact, going back to that claim the begining of this DVD, If you want to raise money for the british film Industry, Make a Discworld Film! It's Long Overdue!
That's how bad this film is! I'd rather talk about films that will never happen than this piece of shit!
(Eamonn ejects the dvd that spins and hovers, until it speeds and collides with Eamonn's heart! Darkness seeps out as a transformation slowly creeps across this face. Joe-jack comes in after unlocking the door)
Oi, I DIDN'T LIOKE DEM TINGS YA SAID ABOUT ME HOME YA SHITEHAWK!
(Without turning or any visual movement, Eamonn had grabbed Joe-Jack by the throat, Emitting Black smoke from this mouth and eyes, he threw punches engulfed in flames, not silver flames but actual fire.)
Eamonn...Please....stop...
I. AM. NOT.EAMONN!
TO BE CONTINUED.....!
CREDITS
Did You Hear About the Morgans? was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With music:
Crazy Little thing called Love by Queen, supplied by Vevo.
D.Y.H.A.T.M? Is distributed by Columbia Pictures.
All rights reserved.
Follow me on twitter @SaveusPOE Or Search for TGWTGEamonn
Next Month: Halloween special.
(slurred) I'm locked out of the rest of my house! Where are you?
I'm sorry for (crying)....I HAD TA! YA WOULDN'TDO IT IF I DID ASKYA!
Do what? couldn't you or 80's Lad do it?
We had t'keep it a secret, so we had t'trap ya wif dem dere spiked drinks, it is another another Divil's dvd as bad as leap year and Silent hill but this more potent dan me zombie makin' poteen so it is!
what can be more potent that your zombie Moonshine?
(he pressed play. the screen for Did You hear About the Morgans? play out!
FUCK NO! JOE-JACK, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!!
(this month's theme-Crazy little thing called love-DONE RIGHT!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EE34cSvZCd8
For those who never heard of this film 90% percent of you welcome to the Razzie nominated rom-com bomb that killed off the carears of it's two leads. And considering the 2 leads are Hugh "Pervo" Grant and Sarah Jessica Horse-Face, my least favorite actors, I'm so glad they did!
So lets dig into D.Y.H.A.T.M? The worst film to come out of the worse genre starring the worse actor and actress! (actual Razzie response)
Before I start, Rather than the tired old "You wouldn't steal a car" video that my countrymen Bryne and O'Breen have parodied, we were told this bold claim.
"By buying this dvd, you're helping funding the British Film and Television Industry!"
No wonder ITV are reduced to Towie, "celebrity" shows and Horrid Henry, If the British tv industry pinned their hopes on this!
We open to a blank screen as we hear Paul Morgan (Pervo) trying to ask his ex-wife Merrell (HorseFace) to dinner. We are told early that she is a realter that made the cover of magazine. Remember this.
While Merrell is enjoying her life as a newly-divorced socialite, Pervo is trying to win her back with lavish gifts and gatecrshing her Breast cancer gala.
Hugh probably went there, because it has the word breast in it!
So they go out to dinner the next night. There is also a sub-plot between the Morgans' P.A.s , a Topher Grace stand-in and Natalia Klimas, an actress that looks like the secret love-child of Jennifer Garner and Amy Adams or Jennamy Garnadams as I'll call her from now on! the Sub-plot is an insufferable Everything You Can do/Aww They Really Love Each Other plot! Except without any warmth or tenderness and lots more childish name calling and tazers!
So as the Morgans walk home, It's revealed to the audience that Hugh Grant of all people, was caught with a hooker!
They walk past a house that Merrell sold earlier, as the client falls from the balcony with a knife in his back. The murderer spots the Morgans. Thanks to the plot-point of the Magazine Cover, the Murderer has an idea who she is.
After being targeted at home, the police tells the Morgans that the man murdered was an arms dealer testifying against a Terrorist Hiding in Europe. and as witnesses, they will be put together into a witness Protection Programme.
(facepalming, shaking his head, Laughing)
this is so stupid!
- They are divorced which means the annulment is binding every state! And wouldn't be safer to separate them? They clearly have no children to raise as they will bitch about in every two-hander they will have!
- Horse-Face is a celebrity, who's face is plastered on billboards and a nationally distributed Magazine. SHE WILL BE RECOGNISED!
- Witness protection is only giving to witness when the Defendant is in police Custody. the defendant is an arms dealer in Europe, beyond the FBI's durasiction giving that,
- He is not under American Arrest and
- Using a Hitman to do his dirty work.
TRY AGAIN DUMBASS!
I read Phoenix Wright Fan-fiction with Less Artistic License than this!
So the Idiots are relocated to Wyoming and after complaining about not packing enough clothes, the sheriff pulls over to a Bargain Barn, and cheap clothes are a Culture shock to these Gobshites!
Also the deputies protecting the Morgans are Man and Wive and avid Hunters, something that disagrees with the vegatarian PETA Patron Merrell but it's a Compressed Vice.
Meanwhile back in New york, Not-Topher Grace and Jennamy Garnadams are planted Trackers by the hitman.
Back in Wyoming, the culture shock continues for the spoilt handrared fuckers as Paul is attacked by a bear. The only Doctor in town is a pediactric. Not being guarded Merrell calls an adoption agency to cancel services as her call gets traced.
So the morgans are arguing so much that even the sheriffs wants to get them out of the house. So they teach the morgans to ride a horse and shoot rifles, getting Paul hurt in the process so he must see that the pediatrician again and is offered a lollipop! Merrell let's slip she is an estate agent and becomes the town's self-appointed busybody, this agitates some people when they go out to dinner, when she asks the local toughnut named Earl(Wilfred Brimley) not to smoke.
You don't want to piss off Brimley! He could turn into the Thing and eat your face! Actually, "the Thing eats Perv-o and Horse-face" would be a far better film than this!
The next day, Earl comes up to Paul because he needs a lawyer to draw a will. despite A) How did anyone know he was a lawyer and B) since he is under an assumed alias, any drafts will be under scutiny.
Back in NYC, Gopher#1 call's merrel's tapped number but Gopher 2 kisses her, only to get tazered.
Talk about extreme No-Touchies!
Now we have some real bullshit dialogue. As out in the night sky, Merrell looks at the stars and claims she never seen the real stars before!
You know what? THAT'S BULLSHIT! AND HERE'S WHY! Remember when you were young and had picture books? I'm sure you did. First words of animals in the farm and in the jungle! I First went to Dublin zoo when I was 11 but knew what a lion looked like before actually seeing 1.
What i'm driving at is, not knowing what something looks like is stupid, since we live in an audiovisual world where we know what thinks look like before we ever see them for ourselves.
Also in attempt to get a more high-brow job Horse-face quotes Shakespeare, yeah I doubt that will ever happen. And Reminiscing about there marraige makes them get back together, just as the seperate sites are issued and the hitman touches down in Wyoming.
BECAUSE THE PLOT SAYS SO!
Oh and the reason Merrell wants to have kids is that Paul once nursed a mouse back to heath!
Somewhere a sentient floppy fringe with a tail and whiskers is bribing the other mice for sex with cheese!
So the Morgans are invited to the (only) social event of the year, The Rodeo, as Pervo and Horse-Face dance to a terrible country version of Crazy little thing called love, Sang by who I thought was Rebecca Black! When they discuss getting back together, Merrell confesses to sleeping with someone else during the separation.
"Why" askes Paul.
"WHY?"
WHY NOT?
I Thought what you did when you where divorced was not your ex-spouse's concern. And as you keep drilling in our heads, movie, THEY HAVE NO CHILDREN! So it wouldn't matter even if they did keep in touch!
The next day the assassian arrives as the Morgans bitch and moan about there crappy lives. I really hope the happy ending is them choking on Lead slugs!
Speaking of Which, the assassian has took advantage of everyone being at the rodeo, The morgans escape with the gunman on their trail, Hiding at the rodeo, they have the inspiredly stupid Idea of dressing as a pantomime bull in a Bull-ring. But entire town rushes the assassian and outguns him.
So this turd is covered and flushed when the assassian is arrested, the morgans return with an adoptive child and Not-Topher and Jennamy Garnadams are a couple and have their jobs back. Despite nearly killing their employers!
THIS FILM SUCKS!....But what didya expect? Shakespeare? and hearing Horse-face quote the bard is making me consider being a two-blog reviewer.
Stupid Dialogue, tired stereotypes and over exaggeration of the differences between life in Wyoming and New York City.
As someone who has never being there I must apoligise to any person from Wyoming reading this who or who saw this trash. I'm sure your state is not the cultural wasteland it is depicted as here. There is only 1 cultural Wasteland and it's called Da Wesht Ov Ireland!
Oi I'm standin' outside dis door! Don't mak' me come in dere!
And New York is depicted as an overcrowded, Overpolluted Deathropolis with that "Never Seen The Stars" Speech. If you have a Big Park in the middle of the city and People can see amimals not on plates, then it's hardly Anhk-Morpok, now is it?
In fact, going back to that claim the begining of this DVD, If you want to raise money for the british film Industry, Make a Discworld Film! It's Long Overdue!
That's how bad this film is! I'd rather talk about films that will never happen than this piece of shit!
(Eamonn ejects the dvd that spins and hovers, until it speeds and collides with Eamonn's heart! Darkness seeps out as a transformation slowly creeps across this face. Joe-jack comes in after unlocking the door)
Oi, I DIDN'T LIOKE DEM TINGS YA SAID ABOUT ME HOME YA SHITEHAWK!
(Without turning or any visual movement, Eamonn had grabbed Joe-Jack by the throat, Emitting Black smoke from this mouth and eyes, he threw punches engulfed in flames, not silver flames but actual fire.)
Eamonn...Please....stop...
I. AM. NOT.EAMONN!
TO BE CONTINUED.....!
CREDITS
Did You Hear About the Morgans? was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With music:
Crazy Little thing called Love by Queen, supplied by Vevo.
D.Y.H.A.T.M? Is distributed by Columbia Pictures.
All rights reserved.
Follow me on twitter @SaveusPOE Or Search for TGWTGEamonn
Next Month: Halloween special.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
BOGGER BOX OFFICE SPECIAL:SONIC UNDEGROUND
Hi there, everyone, I'm sure if you came here via a search of "nostalgia critic Sonic underground", You've come to the right place. Sort of. The Bad news is I'm not Doug Walker, I belong to his forum, the good news? After 14 years, Sonic Underground is being reviewed by TGWTG, So what's the problem?
3 years after the aptly named DIC(K) Entertainment cancelled the cult favourite SatAM, DIC's European Studio in France took a shot in creating it's own version of Sonic's already Fractured Multiverse, the Result? A sonic Cartoon that has polarised fans but in true Sega Form, none of S.U.G's characters make an appearance in any game. At least SatAm was to have a game! Don't Believe Me? Behold!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfujuAK9FXA
So this Month, The storyline is on hold. This is a serious analysis of Sonic Underground with Links (when available!) to Important Episodes in 2 seasons, 40 episodes of Sonic's 3rd and last outing as a Western Animation. This is Sonic Underground.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2y2kCEV1fMc
We are off to a good start, the theme is rocky and memorable. It's also where the shock sets in to what's new.
"Triplets born/the throne awaits"
In this alliteration, Sonic has a green brother and a pink sister.
Fanboys are now screaming,
"A Green male and a pink female hedgehog? OH NO! SCOURGE AND AMY ROSE ARE IN THIS! WAIT Amy Rose, Sonic's Stalker with a crush is his Sister in this?...EWWWW!"
Hahaha, No they are new characters, the green is Manic and the pink is Sonia.
Great, new characters, That has always worked well for Sonic in the past(!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YjkMzNTkj6E
The First Episode begins in a Non-French way, with the first episode being an Origin Story. Like all the series episodes, this has Narration by the hedgehogs Mother, Queen Elena. the Story is no different from that of SatAm with a few differences. Robotnik has taken over Mobius but rather than completely Weaponising his citizens and turning the planet into a wasteland, He uses Tax and the financial backing of the Nobility to stay in power, this causes the working class to rebel and fracture in the resistance or the Underworld, Either way the only punishment is Robotisation, no matter what road you take.
The 3 baby Hedgehogs were separated, Sonic living with his Uncle Chuck, Sonia living with Lady Windermere and Manic was Stolen, and then raised by, the Thief Lord Farrell. Because of this all 3 acquired skills that made them unique, which I will get to in the character assessment at the end.
By the Time the Hedgehogs are teenagers, they are visited by the Mysterious Oracle of Delphious, Who tells each the existence of the others. It's thanks to this asshole aardvark that the comfortable lives of Sonic, Manic and Sonia are ruined forever, As the oracle also appears in front of Robotnik and gloats about the Trio's existence. So Robotnik ends episode 1 the cruelest way he knows how. By capturing and robotising the Hedgehog's Uncle and adoptive parents. Our heroes naturally want to save them but Instead Oracle puts them on a quest to find their mother, Citing that this was always going to happen, As their Deaths was part of their Destiny!
I KNOW, WHAT A DICK-MOVE!
You Don't see Anyone in the Lion King say "Simba, Scar killed your Da, BUT HEY! Wouldn't you rather be raised by the Comic Relief?"
As This is a brand new alliteration of Sonic, New enemies are Introduced. As well as Nobles, like Sonia's fiancée Bartleby, in Robotnik's pocket, He has 2 bounty hunters/tax collectors named Sleet (a jackal) and Dingo. Like Scratch and Grounder, they are Bumbling Henchmen, but are also formidable
opponents, as I 'll get to later.
In the Second Episode, the Siblings are given tutors to hone their Skills and reveal new ones. Sonic learns the Speed Dash, Sonia can create tornadoes with her Wonder woman Spin, while manic....Can throw drumsticks!
Later in A Scared Temple, the Oracle, being the wanker he is, Summons a monster as a "Test". While the correct action was to let Manic pick the lock, Sonic's Impulsiveness got them all Killed. The Oracle refuses to teach them further. However the trauma of having their families killed in front of them has bonded the 3. So the oracle says that is their test: of their unity!
So this is where the Oracle reveals the true power of the Medallions they all wear, And Yes I'm getting to why the show is hated. If you don't know what it is. Please read the below paragraph before you learn/remember.
(BEFORE GOING FURTHER, PLEASE TAKE THE TIME YOU COULD USE TO READ THIS PARAGRAPH TO GET A STIFF DRINK BEFORE STARTING AGAIN. LEAVE THE HOUSE A BUY SOME IF YOU DON'T. WHAT'S THAT? YOU DON'T DRINK? YOU POOR BASTARD! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S COMING!)
Sonic Sings.
Badly.
Once every Episode!
The Medallions turn into Musical Instruments which are Weaponised. Sonic has a laser Guitar, Sonia, a keyboard/smoke Machine and Manic has an Earthquake making Drum set. They are also have the new powers as Plot demands of curing Robotisised victims for short periods of time and are empathic with the location of Their Deadbeat Mother.
Oh Yes! I SAID IT!
The Main mission of the Sonic Underground is to recover Queen Elena, Despite doing fuck all for her kids for 10+ years, they cannot defeat Robotnik without her, because...I have no Idea!
Without going through all the episodes and only focusing on Plot-line episodes(As small as the amount is!), the 3 travel across Mobius whenever Elena is spotted, or when Robotnik makes a lunge for power, in their Tourbus!
I Guess they perform on the A-team's methods of incognito!
After Rescuing Trevor, Leader of the resistance, But losing Argus the Queen's Guard to the Robotisizer, returning to their birthplace and foiling a fake wedding, the story continues in episode 9 "tangled webs"
Robotnik has blackmailed a lion called Cyrus to find the resistance stronghold or he'll robotisize Lionel, his father and Inventing Rival to Robotnik. He finds out the Stronghold "sanctuary" is just that, a place for the children of the resistance can be safe. Cyrus has a change of heart, but learns his father was robotisized anyway. and joins the resistance as the hedgehogs personal liaison.
After freeing the people of Tashistan, Lake Valley and Port Mobius, as well as passing the idiot ball between themselves and Bartleby, (each of the 4 where a victim of a trap and needed rescuing in the space of 1 episode each!) the penultimate episode of season 1 had own of its crowning Moments: It was the tv debut of Knuckles!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_fETXISglU
Season 2 Started with 1 of the better episodes, when in Rome, Where that Jackass the Oracle returned and sent the heroes off to a roman era Mobius, without their powers. Using only their natural abilities (which is Bullshit, as Sonic's speed is a Natural Ability, you clearly show a baby Sonic using it in your opening credits!) the Oracle, disguised as a Minotaur, Returns the 3 to Robotropolis.
After falling into traps on a daily basis, as well as finding, and destroying, a magical scroll, What follows are 4 episodes that came from left field.
first the Else-World-esque "Six is A crowd".
With people reeling from this well good episode, what was to follow was a 3-parter that felt like a Satam episode Collectively Dubbed Chaos Emerald Crisis.
However this was the shows peak and for the last 10 episodes it was business as usual, coming no close to finding Queen Deadbeat, the last episode didn't even bring her up!
Sonic Underground will always be remembered as the cartoon that detached itself from the actual storyline, Using an established character and changing the world around him.
Let's finish this with some Character Assessment.
In it's own right, Mobius gets developed. Consider the background art for Adventures (Who-gives-a-shit-Land) and compare to to the diverse Su Mobius. Granted it's cues are all from Earth not any Sonic game, but having different locals gives the adventure some legs.
The Swatbots and Robotisized victims make a return. And I hate their new design. In Satam, the Robotisized Victims look scary as hell, like skeletonised suits of armour, here, they are not even trying put a metal gauntlet, a meg leg a telescopic eyepiece and/or a bulkhead for armour and Bam!, instant heel turn. Even the swatbot look less threatening as they go from basic black to Pink and purple.
Acting as the series Starscream, Sleet is constantly branching out from Dr R and kissing up when caught. Despite this he is a dirty coward, picking on children and rarely getting his hands dirty, and fleeing when his swatbots and Dingo fail.
Dingo is the Dumb Muscle of the Robotnik Regime, who thanks to a remote device by Sleet can turn him into anything, of course being a cartoon the the transformations have a tell as Dingo is the only orange coloured character. This where Sonic own disguises come back to bite him, As no-one seems to question the spate of informants with orange skin wearing purple bifocals with Aussie accents! 1 flaw of dingo is his crush on Sonia, and some faux flirting will distract the lug.
Bartleby, while not evil is seen as more as an annoyance by the hedgehog brothers, and doesn't understand beyond family ties why Sonia would help such "riff-raff". However losing it all during the events of episode 37 Bartleby the Prisoner makes him Join the Resistance. And is never seen again.
Robotnik, while not as vile as his SatAM Counterpart is just as Heartless and capable of vile acts. Such as the sinister and disturbing act of Robotisizing a Baby to commit genocide of the children in Sanctuary. and melting polar ice caps just to kill sonic even if it meant dooming the planet for everyone else. He's composite Character, his adventures voice with his SatAM design. He is still foiled by cartoony methods like Chased by the Boggin in the Oirish-themed RACIST ALARM! Episode 39 and hypnotised by a Fran Dresher-bot (context!)
Now to our heroes.
Queen Elena...has no character development. She is a narrator and a deadbeat mother. Moving on!
Having the least development are Trevor and Cyrus. only so far as they Mission control, meaning that when we see them they give us exposition of what the mission is. Which is far more spy-like and fleshed out than Satam's ATTACK! ATTACK! ATTACK Tactics, here it's diverting supplies or sabotage. This is what my counterparts mean by telling an adult story for children, which they do well when they want to be serious!
One can argue that the Oracle is the real Big bad of the series, playing robotnik and sonic against each other and the player stays on to face him. But I'm probably reading to much into his questionable behaviour, he's more of an Aloof Ally.
Manic's my favourite character. With his skills as a thief, he's the Teams only Badass Normal. He does get jealous of Super Speed, as evidenced in Sonic Tonic. Being Homeless for all his life, he tries to opt to stay in Mobodoon. He also is them most emotionally driven, especially after the nightmarish ending to 3 hedgehogs and baby, He seems that the fight for freedom to it's toll, Until Art's sacrifice Gave him hope. Old habits die hard, as he can't keep his fingers at bay when in Bartleby's company.
Most of the Character Development. goes to Sonia. From being the vain, prissy elitist neat-freak to 1 of the charter members of the Resistance. She falls into the smurfette principle, Getting lots of costume changes and has at least 4 male characters being shipped to her.
Sonic hasn't changed since Satam. He is still cocky arrogant, reckless and easily angered. He learns these lessons here but it feels like he's learning those lessons again after SatAM.
Despite the annoying Songs (though some are catchy), the real gripe of this series is the need to constantly Yank the Dog's chain when it comes to finding the queen. Every time they get close, an attack, Sonic's fear of water or just the writer's stupidity to hammer home an Aesop,gets in the way. One of the biggest FUCK YOU!'s happened early on in episode 15, where Manic fell asleep guarding a magic mirror, when Elena came out and kissed her son and buggered off before he woke. maybe because if he woke or turned to see Sonic or Sonia, She would be a guest on Mobius' version of Maury!
Not finding queen Elena is not their only failing. Given who Robotnik has robotisized in 40 episode the regime has crushed the resistance in statregicly and in the battle. He had robotisized Chuck, Farrell and Lady Windermere thus breaking the hedgehogs spirits and put them on the run. He also robotisized Lionel an inventor thus turning out more robots without needing sleep or food. not to mention robotisizing key members of the resistance like Argus, the queens guard and 6 Resistance leaders. and here's the kicker, he robotisized Titus, a con artist who had the secret of curing robotisization. Clearly robotnik won. and if they could fight back it before the show was cancelled they had the work cut out for them.
However much like what they did to SatAM, Archie comics have discussed an adaptation of Underground though discussions so far with all parties have pushed it into Develepment Hell.
In the end, you can see why Sonic fans don't discuss this cartoon without swearing. as it's Sonic in name only. Though i would like to see the story finalised just so see the pacing issues of the last season catch up on them.
CREDITS
This Special Review was Written, Edited and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham,
With Clips from Sonic Underground
Sonic is Property of Sega, Whilst Sonic Underground is Produced by Cookie Jar (formerly Dic Entertainment)
All clips belong to their respective owners,
All Rights reserved.
NEXT MONTH: THE INFERNAL LODGER PART 2: EAMONN GETS KIDNAPPED, FORCED TO REVIEW DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MORGANS?
3 years after the aptly named DIC(K) Entertainment cancelled the cult favourite SatAM, DIC's European Studio in France took a shot in creating it's own version of Sonic's already Fractured Multiverse, the Result? A sonic Cartoon that has polarised fans but in true Sega Form, none of S.U.G's characters make an appearance in any game. At least SatAm was to have a game! Don't Believe Me? Behold!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfujuAK9FXA
So this Month, The storyline is on hold. This is a serious analysis of Sonic Underground with Links (when available!) to Important Episodes in 2 seasons, 40 episodes of Sonic's 3rd and last outing as a Western Animation. This is Sonic Underground.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2y2kCEV1fMc
We are off to a good start, the theme is rocky and memorable. It's also where the shock sets in to what's new.
"Triplets born/the throne awaits"
In this alliteration, Sonic has a green brother and a pink sister.
Fanboys are now screaming,
"A Green male and a pink female hedgehog? OH NO! SCOURGE AND AMY ROSE ARE IN THIS! WAIT Amy Rose, Sonic's Stalker with a crush is his Sister in this?...EWWWW!"
Hahaha, No they are new characters, the green is Manic and the pink is Sonia.
Great, new characters, That has always worked well for Sonic in the past(!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YjkMzNTkj6E
The First Episode begins in a Non-French way, with the first episode being an Origin Story. Like all the series episodes, this has Narration by the hedgehogs Mother, Queen Elena. the Story is no different from that of SatAm with a few differences. Robotnik has taken over Mobius but rather than completely Weaponising his citizens and turning the planet into a wasteland, He uses Tax and the financial backing of the Nobility to stay in power, this causes the working class to rebel and fracture in the resistance or the Underworld, Either way the only punishment is Robotisation, no matter what road you take.
The 3 baby Hedgehogs were separated, Sonic living with his Uncle Chuck, Sonia living with Lady Windermere and Manic was Stolen, and then raised by, the Thief Lord Farrell. Because of this all 3 acquired skills that made them unique, which I will get to in the character assessment at the end.
By the Time the Hedgehogs are teenagers, they are visited by the Mysterious Oracle of Delphious, Who tells each the existence of the others. It's thanks to this asshole aardvark that the comfortable lives of Sonic, Manic and Sonia are ruined forever, As the oracle also appears in front of Robotnik and gloats about the Trio's existence. So Robotnik ends episode 1 the cruelest way he knows how. By capturing and robotising the Hedgehog's Uncle and adoptive parents. Our heroes naturally want to save them but Instead Oracle puts them on a quest to find their mother, Citing that this was always going to happen, As their Deaths was part of their Destiny!
I KNOW, WHAT A DICK-MOVE!
You Don't see Anyone in the Lion King say "Simba, Scar killed your Da, BUT HEY! Wouldn't you rather be raised by the Comic Relief?"
As This is a brand new alliteration of Sonic, New enemies are Introduced. As well as Nobles, like Sonia's fiancée Bartleby, in Robotnik's pocket, He has 2 bounty hunters/tax collectors named Sleet (a jackal) and Dingo. Like Scratch and Grounder, they are Bumbling Henchmen, but are also formidable
opponents, as I 'll get to later.
In the Second Episode, the Siblings are given tutors to hone their Skills and reveal new ones. Sonic learns the Speed Dash, Sonia can create tornadoes with her Wonder woman Spin, while manic....Can throw drumsticks!
Later in A Scared Temple, the Oracle, being the wanker he is, Summons a monster as a "Test". While the correct action was to let Manic pick the lock, Sonic's Impulsiveness got them all Killed. The Oracle refuses to teach them further. However the trauma of having their families killed in front of them has bonded the 3. So the oracle says that is their test: of their unity!
So this is where the Oracle reveals the true power of the Medallions they all wear, And Yes I'm getting to why the show is hated. If you don't know what it is. Please read the below paragraph before you learn/remember.
(BEFORE GOING FURTHER, PLEASE TAKE THE TIME YOU COULD USE TO READ THIS PARAGRAPH TO GET A STIFF DRINK BEFORE STARTING AGAIN. LEAVE THE HOUSE A BUY SOME IF YOU DON'T. WHAT'S THAT? YOU DON'T DRINK? YOU POOR BASTARD! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S COMING!)
Sonic Sings.
Badly.
Once every Episode!
The Medallions turn into Musical Instruments which are Weaponised. Sonic has a laser Guitar, Sonia, a keyboard/smoke Machine and Manic has an Earthquake making Drum set. They are also have the new powers as Plot demands of curing Robotisised victims for short periods of time and are empathic with the location of Their Deadbeat Mother.
Oh Yes! I SAID IT!
The Main mission of the Sonic Underground is to recover Queen Elena, Despite doing fuck all for her kids for 10+ years, they cannot defeat Robotnik without her, because...I have no Idea!
Without going through all the episodes and only focusing on Plot-line episodes(As small as the amount is!), the 3 travel across Mobius whenever Elena is spotted, or when Robotnik makes a lunge for power, in their Tourbus!
I Guess they perform on the A-team's methods of incognito!
After Rescuing Trevor, Leader of the resistance, But losing Argus the Queen's Guard to the Robotisizer, returning to their birthplace and foiling a fake wedding, the story continues in episode 9 "tangled webs"
Robotnik has blackmailed a lion called Cyrus to find the resistance stronghold or he'll robotisize Lionel, his father and Inventing Rival to Robotnik. He finds out the Stronghold "sanctuary" is just that, a place for the children of the resistance can be safe. Cyrus has a change of heart, but learns his father was robotisized anyway. and joins the resistance as the hedgehogs personal liaison.
After freeing the people of Tashistan, Lake Valley and Port Mobius, as well as passing the idiot ball between themselves and Bartleby, (each of the 4 where a victim of a trap and needed rescuing in the space of 1 episode each!) the penultimate episode of season 1 had own of its crowning Moments: It was the tv debut of Knuckles!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_fETXISglU
Season 2 Started with 1 of the better episodes, when in Rome, Where that Jackass the Oracle returned and sent the heroes off to a roman era Mobius, without their powers. Using only their natural abilities (which is Bullshit, as Sonic's speed is a Natural Ability, you clearly show a baby Sonic using it in your opening credits!) the Oracle, disguised as a Minotaur, Returns the 3 to Robotropolis.
After falling into traps on a daily basis, as well as finding, and destroying, a magical scroll, What follows are 4 episodes that came from left field.
first the Else-World-esque "Six is A crowd".
With people reeling from this well good episode, what was to follow was a 3-parter that felt like a Satam episode Collectively Dubbed Chaos Emerald Crisis.
However this was the shows peak and for the last 10 episodes it was business as usual, coming no close to finding Queen Deadbeat, the last episode didn't even bring her up!
Sonic Underground will always be remembered as the cartoon that detached itself from the actual storyline, Using an established character and changing the world around him.
Let's finish this with some Character Assessment.
In it's own right, Mobius gets developed. Consider the background art for Adventures (Who-gives-a-shit-Land) and compare to to the diverse Su Mobius. Granted it's cues are all from Earth not any Sonic game, but having different locals gives the adventure some legs.
The Swatbots and Robotisized victims make a return. And I hate their new design. In Satam, the Robotisized Victims look scary as hell, like skeletonised suits of armour, here, they are not even trying put a metal gauntlet, a meg leg a telescopic eyepiece and/or a bulkhead for armour and Bam!, instant heel turn. Even the swatbot look less threatening as they go from basic black to Pink and purple.
Acting as the series Starscream, Sleet is constantly branching out from Dr R and kissing up when caught. Despite this he is a dirty coward, picking on children and rarely getting his hands dirty, and fleeing when his swatbots and Dingo fail.
Dingo is the Dumb Muscle of the Robotnik Regime, who thanks to a remote device by Sleet can turn him into anything, of course being a cartoon the the transformations have a tell as Dingo is the only orange coloured character. This where Sonic own disguises come back to bite him, As no-one seems to question the spate of informants with orange skin wearing purple bifocals with Aussie accents! 1 flaw of dingo is his crush on Sonia, and some faux flirting will distract the lug.
Bartleby, while not evil is seen as more as an annoyance by the hedgehog brothers, and doesn't understand beyond family ties why Sonia would help such "riff-raff". However losing it all during the events of episode 37 Bartleby the Prisoner makes him Join the Resistance. And is never seen again.
Robotnik, while not as vile as his SatAM Counterpart is just as Heartless and capable of vile acts. Such as the sinister and disturbing act of Robotisizing a Baby to commit genocide of the children in Sanctuary. and melting polar ice caps just to kill sonic even if it meant dooming the planet for everyone else. He's composite Character, his adventures voice with his SatAM design. He is still foiled by cartoony methods like Chased by the Boggin in the Oirish-themed RACIST ALARM! Episode 39 and hypnotised by a Fran Dresher-bot (context!)
Now to our heroes.
Queen Elena...has no character development. She is a narrator and a deadbeat mother. Moving on!
Having the least development are Trevor and Cyrus. only so far as they Mission control, meaning that when we see them they give us exposition of what the mission is. Which is far more spy-like and fleshed out than Satam's ATTACK! ATTACK! ATTACK Tactics, here it's diverting supplies or sabotage. This is what my counterparts mean by telling an adult story for children, which they do well when they want to be serious!
One can argue that the Oracle is the real Big bad of the series, playing robotnik and sonic against each other and the player stays on to face him. But I'm probably reading to much into his questionable behaviour, he's more of an Aloof Ally.
Manic's my favourite character. With his skills as a thief, he's the Teams only Badass Normal. He does get jealous of Super Speed, as evidenced in Sonic Tonic. Being Homeless for all his life, he tries to opt to stay in Mobodoon. He also is them most emotionally driven, especially after the nightmarish ending to 3 hedgehogs and baby, He seems that the fight for freedom to it's toll, Until Art's sacrifice Gave him hope. Old habits die hard, as he can't keep his fingers at bay when in Bartleby's company.
Most of the Character Development. goes to Sonia. From being the vain, prissy elitist neat-freak to 1 of the charter members of the Resistance. She falls into the smurfette principle, Getting lots of costume changes and has at least 4 male characters being shipped to her.
Sonic hasn't changed since Satam. He is still cocky arrogant, reckless and easily angered. He learns these lessons here but it feels like he's learning those lessons again after SatAM.
Despite the annoying Songs (though some are catchy), the real gripe of this series is the need to constantly Yank the Dog's chain when it comes to finding the queen. Every time they get close, an attack, Sonic's fear of water or just the writer's stupidity to hammer home an Aesop,gets in the way. One of the biggest FUCK YOU!'s happened early on in episode 15, where Manic fell asleep guarding a magic mirror, when Elena came out and kissed her son and buggered off before he woke. maybe because if he woke or turned to see Sonic or Sonia, She would be a guest on Mobius' version of Maury!
Not finding queen Elena is not their only failing. Given who Robotnik has robotisized in 40 episode the regime has crushed the resistance in statregicly and in the battle. He had robotisized Chuck, Farrell and Lady Windermere thus breaking the hedgehogs spirits and put them on the run. He also robotisized Lionel an inventor thus turning out more robots without needing sleep or food. not to mention robotisizing key members of the resistance like Argus, the queens guard and 6 Resistance leaders. and here's the kicker, he robotisized Titus, a con artist who had the secret of curing robotisization. Clearly robotnik won. and if they could fight back it before the show was cancelled they had the work cut out for them.
However much like what they did to SatAM, Archie comics have discussed an adaptation of Underground though discussions so far with all parties have pushed it into Develepment Hell.
In the end, you can see why Sonic fans don't discuss this cartoon without swearing. as it's Sonic in name only. Though i would like to see the story finalised just so see the pacing issues of the last season catch up on them.
CREDITS
This Special Review was Written, Edited and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham,
With Clips from Sonic Underground
Sonic is Property of Sega, Whilst Sonic Underground is Produced by Cookie Jar (formerly Dic Entertainment)
All clips belong to their respective owners,
All Rights reserved.
NEXT MONTH: THE INFERNAL LODGER PART 2: EAMONN GETS KIDNAPPED, FORCED TO REVIEW DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MORGANS?
Monday, July 1, 2013
SatanicOstrisch reviews Meet Dave part 2
(Previously on bogger box office....
Depressed on being defeated over and over by Eamonn, Joe-Jack and 80's Lad, Satanic Ostrich Quit his job as Satan! With nowhere to go, Ostrich prepared a job interview of sorts by reviewing Meet Dave to earn his keep!)
(This month's theme, because of the stupid love-plot between Gina and Dave, Robyn's the Girl and Robot aka I'm In Love With A Robot)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfckrfOYAy4
After seeing a painting, Gina asks the robot his name. After a lame joke that most of the world are Chinese, 1 uses the name Dave as his cover, he blatantly tells Gina he is an alien between talking like a dictionary, drinking ketchup like soda and LOUDLY Crushing eggs behind her back, she's too much of an idiot to notice,
After kicking her cat, Dave notices PG FILM CLICHE#1-DEAD PARENT PHOTO And her son Josh holding the meteorite. Gina tells Dave that he is at school and always carries the meteorite everywhere.
Meanwhile, Our subplot is planted as a conspiracy Theorist Cop and his long suffering partner are on his trail.
After more Shameless Advertising, this time for Apple, The crew are beginning to lose their minds. 17 becomes a black stereotype, 2's mind is blown by Humanity's history of disregard for each other, and seeing a couple kiss makes 3 Have deep-set feelings for 1.
Passing the school playground in his white suit makes every child think he's an ice-cream man. Despite not having anything pertaining to Ice-cream, the children still follow him.
And here's me using my Jimmy Saville costume like a sucker!
(AUDIENCE BOOS!)
AHHH FUCK OFF! I'M THE FUCKING DEVIL! I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY SHIT LIKE THAT!
After buying new clothes and causing a scene, Dave replicates money by...Farting some. Stumbling onto Broadway, 4 turns gay by seeing musicals.
YES MUSICALS WILL DO THAT TO YOU! THAT'S WHY I MADE THEM!
Josh is being bullied at school and the meteorite is stolen because of plot convenience. Dave arrives and asks the principal where is the 5th grade class, the principal assumes he is a substitute teacher without ever asking his background.
Wow, Eamonn, That sounds like the Education Policy of your home country of Ireland, AMIRITE?
(AUDIENCE BOOS!)
OH FUCK OFF, YOU PAID!
After giving the class a theorem for renewable Energy, Josh is separated from his class and tells him that the meteorite was stolen by PG FILM CLICHE #2 SEMI RETARDED BULLY who hangs out at the deli after school. At said Deli, Dave diffuses an armed Robbery.
(Ostrich reads from a dictionary)
Incognito: Adj 1 Having a false identity 2 doing things the opposite of meet Dave!
Josh tells Dave the bully left during the robbery but will be at the PG FILM CLICHE#3 CROWDED FUNFAIR tomorrow.
Back at the crashsite, a cast of Dave's face is created by police, after the robbery it's not long til 2 and 2 are put together.
In the ship, the Nilians exposure to human emotions are referred to by Dr. 0 as a virus, 4 adopts a Parlarie(gay) accent, 12 starts to paint, 17 uses Ebonics and we get background on 1 and 3, who have being friends since childhood, they too, despite being the more level headed of the aliens are overcome with emotions after watching It's a wonderful Life. (despite the setting being August, and this not being a Christmas movie, which means it'll be shown on bank holidays for years to come!)
Number 1 has 12 hours to the meteorite before his space-ship dies. So naturally we show him wasting time in a funfair! This leads to PG FILM CLICHE#4 GIFTS=ROMANCE!
This Leads to the ship Dispatching all the food by jettison using Multiple Toilet splashing sound effects.
I Didn't mention it as it wasn't conductive to the storyline of this film, BUT WHAT'S WITH ALL THE FART JOKES? This isn't Thunderpants, though it looks more appealing compared to Meet Dave!
Finally the Plot is back as Josh tries to get the meteorite back from the Bully, Dave wedgies him to obtain it. While 2 wants to absorb the water and leave us Pitiful Humans to die. The other Nilians are having too much fun. After suffering a concussion, the Limited power reserves of Dave take a hit that looks like a heart Attack to humans. In Hospital, a MRI Blows daves cover. Out to dinner number 17 gets drunk on Dave's mojitos and dances out off the ship. Inside the ship, 4 Enshewing his uniform for Camp Gay threads, gives 3 a makeover. 2 is if anything having a Villianous Breakdown. The cops arrest Dave just as 2 takes over the ship, Causing a jailbreak. 2 exiles 1 and 3 out of Dave. After a scene completely ripped off from toy story, 1 and 3 return to Dave. The cops find 17 and helps him get back to Liberty Island.
Let's end this misery.
Number 1 overrides Dave, but the meteorite makes contact with water and begins to syphon it, but Dave sacrifices his remaining 10% of his power reserves to save Earth, But Josh uses the cop's tazer to recharge his batteries, the cop returns 17 as Dave's crew escape from a rescue pod in this foot.
Oh and the Nilian's Planet is still doomed, but hey, every film by 21st century FUCKS must end with sequel bait, right?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoYWdHe4tQ4
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
The Misery from his film fills me with joy!
Does Eddie Murphy have a fetish for terrible CGI? Cos this makes pluto nash look like Black Swan in comparsion. Murphy cannot do an English accent (why?) and his supporting cast are all hams. No two-ways about it. It's a film that's destined to be shown at any and every bank holiday. Like Thunderpants, it thinks that fart jokes will it entertaining to children. And fails miserably.
Very good. And though I may regret it, you can stay, but only if you can get a job. But you can have my spare room.
I DON'T TAKE TOO MUCH SPACE~#!
(Ostrich turned into a puff of smoke and flowed up the chimney, Laughing his wicked cackle!)
CREDITS
Meet Dave was Reviewed as SatanicOstrich, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With clips and music from
Tom and Jerry the movie
and The Girl and Robot by Robyn
Meet Dave is property of 21st Century Fox
All clips belong to there respected owners
All rights reserved
NEXT MONTH MYSTERY REVIEW REVEALED OR LOG ONTO MY MAIN SITE, pathofenlightment.blogspot.com for Reveal post.
Depressed on being defeated over and over by Eamonn, Joe-Jack and 80's Lad, Satanic Ostrich Quit his job as Satan! With nowhere to go, Ostrich prepared a job interview of sorts by reviewing Meet Dave to earn his keep!)
(This month's theme, because of the stupid love-plot between Gina and Dave, Robyn's the Girl and Robot aka I'm In Love With A Robot)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfckrfOYAy4
After seeing a painting, Gina asks the robot his name. After a lame joke that most of the world are Chinese, 1 uses the name Dave as his cover, he blatantly tells Gina he is an alien between talking like a dictionary, drinking ketchup like soda and LOUDLY Crushing eggs behind her back, she's too much of an idiot to notice,
After kicking her cat, Dave notices PG FILM CLICHE#1-DEAD PARENT PHOTO And her son Josh holding the meteorite. Gina tells Dave that he is at school and always carries the meteorite everywhere.
Meanwhile, Our subplot is planted as a conspiracy Theorist Cop and his long suffering partner are on his trail.
After more Shameless Advertising, this time for Apple, The crew are beginning to lose their minds. 17 becomes a black stereotype, 2's mind is blown by Humanity's history of disregard for each other, and seeing a couple kiss makes 3 Have deep-set feelings for 1.
Passing the school playground in his white suit makes every child think he's an ice-cream man. Despite not having anything pertaining to Ice-cream, the children still follow him.
And here's me using my Jimmy Saville costume like a sucker!
(AUDIENCE BOOS!)
AHHH FUCK OFF! I'M THE FUCKING DEVIL! I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY SHIT LIKE THAT!
After buying new clothes and causing a scene, Dave replicates money by...Farting some. Stumbling onto Broadway, 4 turns gay by seeing musicals.
YES MUSICALS WILL DO THAT TO YOU! THAT'S WHY I MADE THEM!
Josh is being bullied at school and the meteorite is stolen because of plot convenience. Dave arrives and asks the principal where is the 5th grade class, the principal assumes he is a substitute teacher without ever asking his background.
Wow, Eamonn, That sounds like the Education Policy of your home country of Ireland, AMIRITE?
(AUDIENCE BOOS!)
OH FUCK OFF, YOU PAID!
After giving the class a theorem for renewable Energy, Josh is separated from his class and tells him that the meteorite was stolen by PG FILM CLICHE #2 SEMI RETARDED BULLY who hangs out at the deli after school. At said Deli, Dave diffuses an armed Robbery.
(Ostrich reads from a dictionary)
Incognito: Adj 1 Having a false identity 2 doing things the opposite of meet Dave!
Josh tells Dave the bully left during the robbery but will be at the PG FILM CLICHE#3 CROWDED FUNFAIR tomorrow.
Back at the crashsite, a cast of Dave's face is created by police, after the robbery it's not long til 2 and 2 are put together.
In the ship, the Nilians exposure to human emotions are referred to by Dr. 0 as a virus, 4 adopts a Parlarie(gay) accent, 12 starts to paint, 17 uses Ebonics and we get background on 1 and 3, who have being friends since childhood, they too, despite being the more level headed of the aliens are overcome with emotions after watching It's a wonderful Life. (despite the setting being August, and this not being a Christmas movie, which means it'll be shown on bank holidays for years to come!)
Number 1 has 12 hours to the meteorite before his space-ship dies. So naturally we show him wasting time in a funfair! This leads to PG FILM CLICHE#4 GIFTS=ROMANCE!
This Leads to the ship Dispatching all the food by jettison using Multiple Toilet splashing sound effects.
I Didn't mention it as it wasn't conductive to the storyline of this film, BUT WHAT'S WITH ALL THE FART JOKES? This isn't Thunderpants, though it looks more appealing compared to Meet Dave!
Finally the Plot is back as Josh tries to get the meteorite back from the Bully, Dave wedgies him to obtain it. While 2 wants to absorb the water and leave us Pitiful Humans to die. The other Nilians are having too much fun. After suffering a concussion, the Limited power reserves of Dave take a hit that looks like a heart Attack to humans. In Hospital, a MRI Blows daves cover. Out to dinner number 17 gets drunk on Dave's mojitos and dances out off the ship. Inside the ship, 4 Enshewing his uniform for Camp Gay threads, gives 3 a makeover. 2 is if anything having a Villianous Breakdown. The cops arrest Dave just as 2 takes over the ship, Causing a jailbreak. 2 exiles 1 and 3 out of Dave. After a scene completely ripped off from toy story, 1 and 3 return to Dave. The cops find 17 and helps him get back to Liberty Island.
Let's end this misery.
Number 1 overrides Dave, but the meteorite makes contact with water and begins to syphon it, but Dave sacrifices his remaining 10% of his power reserves to save Earth, But Josh uses the cop's tazer to recharge his batteries, the cop returns 17 as Dave's crew escape from a rescue pod in this foot.
Oh and the Nilian's Planet is still doomed, but hey, every film by 21st century FUCKS must end with sequel bait, right?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoYWdHe4tQ4
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
The Misery from his film fills me with joy!
Does Eddie Murphy have a fetish for terrible CGI? Cos this makes pluto nash look like Black Swan in comparsion. Murphy cannot do an English accent (why?) and his supporting cast are all hams. No two-ways about it. It's a film that's destined to be shown at any and every bank holiday. Like Thunderpants, it thinks that fart jokes will it entertaining to children. And fails miserably.
Very good. And though I may regret it, you can stay, but only if you can get a job. But you can have my spare room.
I DON'T TAKE TOO MUCH SPACE~#!
(Ostrich turned into a puff of smoke and flowed up the chimney, Laughing his wicked cackle!)
CREDITS
Meet Dave was Reviewed as SatanicOstrich, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With clips and music from
Tom and Jerry the movie
and The Girl and Robot by Robyn
Meet Dave is property of 21st Century Fox
All clips belong to there respected owners
All rights reserved
NEXT MONTH MYSTERY REVIEW REVEALED OR LOG ONTO MY MAIN SITE, pathofenlightment.blogspot.com for Reveal post.
Monday, June 17, 2013
SatanicOstrich (Yes Really!) Reviews Meet Dave! Part 1
(We open in a Darkened Living room, Curtains closed on a Stormy Night, Antique of the macabre arts covered in cobwebs and portraits of Villainous Curs on the walls fill the space. the Camera pans to an Electric Chair. sat in it, the Villain of the Enlighteniverse, the Satanic Ostrich! A glass of what you hope is Red Wine clasped in his wing.)
HELLO KIDDIES!
I'm Afraid to tell you that Joe-Jack, Eamonn and 80'S Lad won't be here, because I ATE THEM!
(CLICK!)
(Standing at the light-switch was Eamonn. He was holding a brown bag and a bemused face.
the "Mansion" was just his house covered in props.)
I leave for 5 minutes to get something to eat and what the hell?
Ah...er...OH HAI, EAMONN!.....I suppose you want an explanation for all this?
(Eamonn clenched his fist that glowed with cinders.) you have til 10!
Well it all started when you destroyed Master Control. Sick off you trouncing my plans every May, I tricked 80's lad home to bring in a Master control as a ringer, only for her to do a better job than I can do, Naturally It made a sensitive little flower like myself all kinds of depressed so I...Quit my Job!
You Quit Your Job?
-Yes!
-As Satan?
-YES!
-Won't that have an adverse effect on those in the afterlife.
You, Don't have any idea what's it like to work in the same job over-and over, for millions of years and not be appreciated? WELL THAT CHANGES TODAY! But need a place to crash, As my mortal enemy you are not weirded out by 9ft tall Ostriches in fish-net stockings!
Well, it looked like you were in the middle of something. I'll think about it, and I'll let you finish.
So lets Cut the bullshit and start my review of Meet Dave!
After pressing play on a dvd screen that doesn't tell us what the film is, Maybe to the buyer's Dignity, We see the Omega Ranger landing on Earth. No it's in fact a Meteorite that lands in a boy's goldfish bowl and drains the water.
So the Aliens want the water?
I Heard the remake of V was shit but...
3 Months later Eddie Murphy crashes on Liberty Island, Naturally the most well known Tourist attraction in the world has no bystanders to see the event. So Dave tries to fit in. Hilarity ensues. No wait not Hilarity. What's the opposite to that?
-Stupidity?
That's the word!
He gets run over by a car and runs a diagnostic on himself
Turns out Dave is in fact a spaceship manned by tiny humanoid aliens called Nillians from the planet Nil, a planet where emotions are banned. The captain, Number 1(also Murphy) is told that the car crash has damaged the ship enough to die in 2 days. Their mission is to syphon all of Earth's water so they can survive.
So clearly the aliens are intelligent enough to build bio-machines to human scale that can eat and have working organs, but then Number 3(Gabrielle Union), the culture officer tell us her knowledge of earth comes from Google, Yahoo! and stock footage of old newsreels and cartoons.
Great so they have the same knowledge of Earth as the Hoobs!
And to those who scoff at Aliens speaking English, usually it's explained as psychic link or watching tv, It's here I want to propose a new trope, Plot-centric Advertising or Frankie's Blackberry, after the stupidity from ghost town back in February, As Google is used a lot to solve a social problem.
Conveniently the women who knocked down Dave is the mother of the boy who found the meteorite.
Of Course she fucking is!
JUST HOW WORSE CAN MEET DAVE GET? WILL SATANICOSTRICH CALL ENLIGHTENED TOWERS HIS HOME? ALL THIS PLUS THE REVEAL OF THE MYSTERY REVIEW IN AUGUST NEXT TIME ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!
IF YOU WHAT MORE OF ME REVIEWING HEAD OVER TO PATHOFENLIGHTMENT.BLOGSPOT.COM FOR WWE PAYBACK RESULTS.
HELLO KIDDIES!
I'm Afraid to tell you that Joe-Jack, Eamonn and 80'S Lad won't be here, because I ATE THEM!
(CLICK!)
(Standing at the light-switch was Eamonn. He was holding a brown bag and a bemused face.
the "Mansion" was just his house covered in props.)
I leave for 5 minutes to get something to eat and what the hell?
Ah...er...OH HAI, EAMONN!.....I suppose you want an explanation for all this?
(Eamonn clenched his fist that glowed with cinders.) you have til 10!
Well it all started when you destroyed Master Control. Sick off you trouncing my plans every May, I tricked 80's lad home to bring in a Master control as a ringer, only for her to do a better job than I can do, Naturally It made a sensitive little flower like myself all kinds of depressed so I...Quit my Job!
You Quit Your Job?
-Yes!
-As Satan?
-YES!
-Won't that have an adverse effect on those in the afterlife.
You, Don't have any idea what's it like to work in the same job over-and over, for millions of years and not be appreciated? WELL THAT CHANGES TODAY! But need a place to crash, As my mortal enemy you are not weirded out by 9ft tall Ostriches in fish-net stockings!
Well, it looked like you were in the middle of something. I'll think about it, and I'll let you finish.
So lets Cut the bullshit and start my review of Meet Dave!
After pressing play on a dvd screen that doesn't tell us what the film is, Maybe to the buyer's Dignity, We see the Omega Ranger landing on Earth. No it's in fact a Meteorite that lands in a boy's goldfish bowl and drains the water.
So the Aliens want the water?
I Heard the remake of V was shit but...
3 Months later Eddie Murphy crashes on Liberty Island, Naturally the most well known Tourist attraction in the world has no bystanders to see the event. So Dave tries to fit in. Hilarity ensues. No wait not Hilarity. What's the opposite to that?
-Stupidity?
That's the word!
He gets run over by a car and runs a diagnostic on himself
Turns out Dave is in fact a spaceship manned by tiny humanoid aliens called Nillians from the planet Nil, a planet where emotions are banned. The captain, Number 1(also Murphy) is told that the car crash has damaged the ship enough to die in 2 days. Their mission is to syphon all of Earth's water so they can survive.
So clearly the aliens are intelligent enough to build bio-machines to human scale that can eat and have working organs, but then Number 3(Gabrielle Union), the culture officer tell us her knowledge of earth comes from Google, Yahoo! and stock footage of old newsreels and cartoons.
Great so they have the same knowledge of Earth as the Hoobs!
And to those who scoff at Aliens speaking English, usually it's explained as psychic link or watching tv, It's here I want to propose a new trope, Plot-centric Advertising or Frankie's Blackberry, after the stupidity from ghost town back in February, As Google is used a lot to solve a social problem.
Conveniently the women who knocked down Dave is the mother of the boy who found the meteorite.
Of Course she fucking is!
JUST HOW WORSE CAN MEET DAVE GET? WILL SATANICOSTRICH CALL ENLIGHTENED TOWERS HIS HOME? ALL THIS PLUS THE REVEAL OF THE MYSTERY REVIEW IN AUGUST NEXT TIME ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!
IF YOU WHAT MORE OF ME REVIEWING HEAD OVER TO PATHOFENLIGHTMENT.BLOGSPOT.COM FOR WWE PAYBACK RESULTS.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Eamonn Reviews Tooth Fairy
(Rather than put a song from the soundtrack or a song that I waxed lyrical over dialogue, I'll share with you a recent song I'm very much into at the moment. This is Hot Natured with Reverse Skydiving.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPKf-Cf5IEg
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
WE WON! WITH A STAGGERING 194 PAGEVIEWS COMBINED LAST MONTH, YOU CHOSE TO PUT MASTER CONTROL OFF-LINE. PERAMENTLY! So it's only fair that this is nothing more than a breather episode, but I'd assume you'll enjoy all the same!)
(We open to Eamonn watching the end credits on his dvd player. He switches the player off and takes out the dvd, putting it neatly in the case....then chucks out the kitchen window, off the garden wall, bank shots the bin-lid, ricocheting into the bin that promptly closes!)
WOW! JUST.....WOW!
I Mean.....I've Done a lot in the past 5 years as a reviewer. I Have seen the worst wrestling matches, Eaten crisps not fit for Animal consumption, and on this blog, on a monthly basis, reviewed every piece of celluloid Shite! But my tussles with Wrestlers, Sexy Zombies, Ice-Cream Zombies, Sheep Zombies, Spike dressed as Piccolo, the Fire Nation, Kim Cattrall naked, Horse-face, Drunk-o and Pervo has done nothing to prepare for this new threat!
The Only joy I can get is that if a film can't be a shining example then it can be a stark warning.
So lets take The Dwayne's Dignity, shine it up real nice, turn it sideways and stick it up his Sell-out Ass!, this is the Tooth Fairy!
We Open to a hockey Game where a team called the Ice-Holes (Insert Mr Freeze joke here~!) are losing, Until the manager puts in Derek Thompson (The Dwayne) who promptly smashes a guy through a pane glass window, making him lose a tooth, Naturally he is put in a penalty box but not before making terrible tooth puns!
After being told to mind a hot-shot new player called Mick, Derek feels he's feeling his age creep up on him. When a group of autograph collectors exposist that Derek is not Big-time anymore, he insults a child.
It's an Ass-Hole who becomes a creature only children can see. I Don't need to do the FORESHADOWING! Joke!
Somehow Surprisingly, Derek has step-kids with his girlfriend played by Ashley Judd. When his daughter loses a tooth, he steals the money to pay for a bet. In Doing so is caught and tells his daughter that the tooth fairy is not real.
That night he finds a Summons under his pillow. he is to Community Service. As a Tooth Fairy. With Wing and tutu!
Being Teleported to what could be described as a non-denominational Santa's Workshop, Derek is met with his Case-worker, a Wingless Fairy called Tracey (Stephen Merchant (of terrible Jokes!))
After starting a fight with Tracey, The boss called Lydia breaks it up, played by Film Royalty, Julie Andrews,
CREDIBILITY-LEVEL UP!
Lydia explains that for what Derek did, he is to do the duties of a tooth fairy for 2 weeks. 1 for stealing, and the other week for calling himself a tooth fairy.
Nom-de-guerres can get you in trouble?
Then I'm going to get my ass handed by the Dali Lama!
He meets Jerry (Billy Crystal) who is the tooth fairy Q. He gives him Derek his gear: a pouch, a wand that doesn't work because Derek doesn't believe in magic (PLOT ITEM!), Dog Bark Mints (it's does exactly what you think they do!) cat repellent, shrinking toothpaste and Amnesia Dust, which Jerry demonstration over and over in a Who's on first? style gag, except not funny.
After a flying school scene that is not Merchant being bitter about not being in Potter(!), Lydia tells Derek that he must perform fairy duties when the moment arises. this leads to Derek sprouting wings at the worst possible moments in his private and professional lives.
A Gag they play to death here!
So Derek's first assignment is barely a success. In the Hockey Match, Mick steals Derek's thunder, When he is called to assignment, he has no choice but to shrink and flush himself down a toilet. Tracey complains about the smell
I would have loved it if Dwayne said
"If you think this stinks, you should see me in Southland Tales!"
A pissed off Derek over uses his Amnesia Dust that cause drastic effect to all it's victims!
At the tea-room, Tracey's envy of the other's wings is more evident.
After an assignment is cancelled, Derek is forced to spend time with his stepson, Derek helps Randy when he is bullied in front of a girl he likes.
Next assignment Derek causes a haunting and is bitten by dog. His probation is suspended. Andrews tells Derek that Fairy-land is on the brink of non-existence and supplies of fairy gear is low.
Derek meets a booster (a cameo by Seth McFarlane) who sells him defective gear. In doing so and using it, he blows his cover and is arrested. His girlfriend bails him out.
The next Night, Derek customises his uniform with hockey gear. He then uses his Invisibility spray and Dog Bark Mints to ruin Mick's game, Forgetting that, like every boss who has a worker on probation, Lydia has Tracey keeping tabs on him. So Tracey blackmails Derek to teach him who to be a Tooth Fairy.
We get a triple montage of Randy practicing his guitar for a talent show, Derek taking free shots and Training Tracey to be a tooth Fairy.
When Derek tries to prove he has it in the next match, the team misjudges it as an ego problem. Being banned from the next game, makes Derek spiral back into a Jack-ass, telling Randy his dreams of being rock-star, like all dreams, are pointless, making Randy break his guitar in anguish. He also breaks down the wall of confidence that Tracey built up.
Motivated by Tracey, Derek finally gets a goal much to the fan's enjoyment. Until Tracey reminds him of assignment, Derek transforms into a tooth fairy on live television, flying out of the Langoliers Sky-Gina. Tracey shoots the entire crowd with an Amnesia Dust Cannon.
Yeah, and I Would have disabled the live feed of the nationally televised match beforehand and steal the tapes. Unless, y'know, PLOTHOLE!
Apologising to Randy Conveniently makes the magic wand work, making a new guitar, Finally believing in magic and dreams means that Derek finally gets it and his relieved of his duties. Tracey becomes a Field tooth fairy, but it also means that Derek is left with no memories of the tooth fairies.
Sadly I have no such luck. And now, neither do you because....
THIS FILM SUCKS!
They say you'll know Rock Bottom (boom! boom!), when you reach it, and for The Dwayne, who has appeared in countless crappy children films, this is a new low. Despite Julie Andrews in this film she is barely seen, and Rock is not helped by the Once-Great Billy Crystal and the Never-Great Unfunny Giant. Attempts of comedy are terrible puns ( Fairy-Krishna, Fairy-oke, Ice-Holes, replacing truth with tooth) and Crap getting pass the radar. the CGI is terrible, and the climax has that huge plot-hole I mentioned.
As bad as it is, morbid Curiosity made the film break even, and spawned a Shameful Sequel starring Larry the Cable Guy.
But that's a review for another day!
CREDITS
Tooth Fairy was reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
with clips from the tooth fairy.
Music: Reserve Skydiving by Hot Natured.
Tooth fairy is property of 20th Century Fox. All rights reserved.
All clips belong to their respected owners.
Follow me on youtube at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPKf-Cf5IEg
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
WE WON! WITH A STAGGERING 194 PAGEVIEWS COMBINED LAST MONTH, YOU CHOSE TO PUT MASTER CONTROL OFF-LINE. PERAMENTLY! So it's only fair that this is nothing more than a breather episode, but I'd assume you'll enjoy all the same!)
(We open to Eamonn watching the end credits on his dvd player. He switches the player off and takes out the dvd, putting it neatly in the case....then chucks out the kitchen window, off the garden wall, bank shots the bin-lid, ricocheting into the bin that promptly closes!)
WOW! JUST.....WOW!
I Mean.....I've Done a lot in the past 5 years as a reviewer. I Have seen the worst wrestling matches, Eaten crisps not fit for Animal consumption, and on this blog, on a monthly basis, reviewed every piece of celluloid Shite! But my tussles with Wrestlers, Sexy Zombies, Ice-Cream Zombies, Sheep Zombies, Spike dressed as Piccolo, the Fire Nation, Kim Cattrall naked, Horse-face, Drunk-o and Pervo has done nothing to prepare for this new threat!
The Only joy I can get is that if a film can't be a shining example then it can be a stark warning.
So lets take The Dwayne's Dignity, shine it up real nice, turn it sideways and stick it up his Sell-out Ass!, this is the Tooth Fairy!
We Open to a hockey Game where a team called the Ice-Holes (Insert Mr Freeze joke here~!) are losing, Until the manager puts in Derek Thompson (The Dwayne) who promptly smashes a guy through a pane glass window, making him lose a tooth, Naturally he is put in a penalty box but not before making terrible tooth puns!
After being told to mind a hot-shot new player called Mick, Derek feels he's feeling his age creep up on him. When a group of autograph collectors exposist that Derek is not Big-time anymore, he insults a child.
It's an Ass-Hole who becomes a creature only children can see. I Don't need to do the FORESHADOWING! Joke!
Somehow Surprisingly, Derek has step-kids with his girlfriend played by Ashley Judd. When his daughter loses a tooth, he steals the money to pay for a bet. In Doing so is caught and tells his daughter that the tooth fairy is not real.
That night he finds a Summons under his pillow. he is to Community Service. As a Tooth Fairy. With Wing and tutu!
Being Teleported to what could be described as a non-denominational Santa's Workshop, Derek is met with his Case-worker, a Wingless Fairy called Tracey (Stephen Merchant (of terrible Jokes!))
After starting a fight with Tracey, The boss called Lydia breaks it up, played by Film Royalty, Julie Andrews,
CREDIBILITY-LEVEL UP!
Lydia explains that for what Derek did, he is to do the duties of a tooth fairy for 2 weeks. 1 for stealing, and the other week for calling himself a tooth fairy.
Nom-de-guerres can get you in trouble?
Then I'm going to get my ass handed by the Dali Lama!
He meets Jerry (Billy Crystal) who is the tooth fairy Q. He gives him Derek his gear: a pouch, a wand that doesn't work because Derek doesn't believe in magic (PLOT ITEM!), Dog Bark Mints (it's does exactly what you think they do!) cat repellent, shrinking toothpaste and Amnesia Dust, which Jerry demonstration over and over in a Who's on first? style gag, except not funny.
After a flying school scene that is not Merchant being bitter about not being in Potter(!), Lydia tells Derek that he must perform fairy duties when the moment arises. this leads to Derek sprouting wings at the worst possible moments in his private and professional lives.
A Gag they play to death here!
So Derek's first assignment is barely a success. In the Hockey Match, Mick steals Derek's thunder, When he is called to assignment, he has no choice but to shrink and flush himself down a toilet. Tracey complains about the smell
I would have loved it if Dwayne said
"If you think this stinks, you should see me in Southland Tales!"
A pissed off Derek over uses his Amnesia Dust that cause drastic effect to all it's victims!
At the tea-room, Tracey's envy of the other's wings is more evident.
After an assignment is cancelled, Derek is forced to spend time with his stepson, Derek helps Randy when he is bullied in front of a girl he likes.
Next assignment Derek causes a haunting and is bitten by dog. His probation is suspended. Andrews tells Derek that Fairy-land is on the brink of non-existence and supplies of fairy gear is low.
Derek meets a booster (a cameo by Seth McFarlane) who sells him defective gear. In doing so and using it, he blows his cover and is arrested. His girlfriend bails him out.
The next Night, Derek customises his uniform with hockey gear. He then uses his Invisibility spray and Dog Bark Mints to ruin Mick's game, Forgetting that, like every boss who has a worker on probation, Lydia has Tracey keeping tabs on him. So Tracey blackmails Derek to teach him who to be a Tooth Fairy.
We get a triple montage of Randy practicing his guitar for a talent show, Derek taking free shots and Training Tracey to be a tooth Fairy.
When Derek tries to prove he has it in the next match, the team misjudges it as an ego problem. Being banned from the next game, makes Derek spiral back into a Jack-ass, telling Randy his dreams of being rock-star, like all dreams, are pointless, making Randy break his guitar in anguish. He also breaks down the wall of confidence that Tracey built up.
Motivated by Tracey, Derek finally gets a goal much to the fan's enjoyment. Until Tracey reminds him of assignment, Derek transforms into a tooth fairy on live television, flying out of the Langoliers Sky-Gina. Tracey shoots the entire crowd with an Amnesia Dust Cannon.
Yeah, and I Would have disabled the live feed of the nationally televised match beforehand and steal the tapes. Unless, y'know, PLOTHOLE!
Apologising to Randy Conveniently makes the magic wand work, making a new guitar, Finally believing in magic and dreams means that Derek finally gets it and his relieved of his duties. Tracey becomes a Field tooth fairy, but it also means that Derek is left with no memories of the tooth fairies.
Sadly I have no such luck. And now, neither do you because....
THIS FILM SUCKS!
They say you'll know Rock Bottom (boom! boom!), when you reach it, and for The Dwayne, who has appeared in countless crappy children films, this is a new low. Despite Julie Andrews in this film she is barely seen, and Rock is not helped by the Once-Great Billy Crystal and the Never-Great Unfunny Giant. Attempts of comedy are terrible puns ( Fairy-Krishna, Fairy-oke, Ice-Holes, replacing truth with tooth) and Crap getting pass the radar. the CGI is terrible, and the climax has that huge plot-hole I mentioned.
As bad as it is, morbid Curiosity made the film break even, and spawned a Shameful Sequel starring Larry the Cable Guy.
But that's a review for another day!
CREDITS
Tooth Fairy was reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
with clips from the tooth fairy.
Music: Reserve Skydiving by Hot Natured.
Tooth fairy is property of 20th Century Fox. All rights reserved.
All clips belong to their respected owners.
Follow me on youtube at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
Friday, May 24, 2013
3 TICKETS TO HELL IV: ALTERNATIVE ENDINGS
I-WORST ENDING (0-20 PAGEVIEWS)
DELETION
(Charging up his hadou-kara Punch, SatanicOstrich appeared from smoke and blasted Eamonn with a spell. the silver flames of his fists faded away.)
My power...what did you do?
I took it back! No need to thank me!
(he disappeared as fast as he arrived.)
We're Fucked now, Aren't We?
Oh Yes we A-
(THE SENTENCE WAS NEVER FINISHED, THE 3 WERE ATOMISED BY MASTER CONTROL!)
II-BAD ENDING (21-40 PAGEVIEWS)
YOU LOSE!
(Master control had used it's collective data and processing power to send our heroes to the moment before the Big bang. Floating over a Primordial Sun, Eamonn tried to attack but was assimilated by the Anomaly, But not with the ease, she had before. Eamonn tore a portal and told Joe-Jack and 80'S Lad to use it.)
You Can't control the artificial gravity when you control a human, can you?
So what if I Can't?
Well then,.....YOU LOSE!
(Eamonn threw himself into the now expanding Sun. The greatest threat of Mankind was destroyed...but at too high a price!)
III-WTF? ENDING (41-60 PAGEVIEWS)
DUES EX MACHINA?
"Now Pitiful Humans Your time as the dominant species is all but an end. For too long Mankind has created Machines that surpassed their abilities, only to be discarded. But now You're vast Numbers will power my Dynasty, Until your species are discarded as batteries. Behold the end of the Age of Flesh, Crushed by the all-Conquering Master Control!"
(SatanicOstrich appeared in a puff of smoke and shot flames at the Cyborg)
DUES! EX! MACHINA!
(Master control has solidified into a statue that crumbed into nothing. The Battleground shrank into a cheap film backdrop in Enlightened Towers.
What Just happened?
Ostrich just ruined 2 years of storyline and hype that came with it!
I Destroyed the Bad-Guy! Can I be you're friend?
-FECK OFF YA OVERGROWN TURKEY!
-You just ruined the epic battle we were going to have! Unbelievable!
-Dude! I got kidnapped for this?
(They left Ostrich all alone!)
NO-ONE....LIKES ME!
IV-GOOD ENDING(61-80 PAGEVIEWS)
SOFTWARE PATCH
(80's Lad walks up to Master Control.)
Ya Long-Haired Gobshite! ge'out ov dere! She'll eat ya brains!
This is no time to make a friend! Get back here now!
I got this, man! Don't Worry be happy!
Master Control, Assimilate my knowledge!
SCAN SHOWS NO NEW DATA, REQUEST DENIED!
Yeah you've scanned so much Data, but what Important stuff like Emotions or Experience?
EXPERIENCE IS...
I Can read your mind! you were going to say..."Irrelevant!" My Doppelganger made you and you used his, My DNA to become a living machine. How can you be a living machine if you next lived a day in your life. No Human should have that much power.
YOU ARE STALLING FOR TIME. THE PERCENTAGE OF SUCCESS FROM THIS COURSE OF ACTION: 0%
In that case, Assimilate my body, Let me become your Master.
I ACCEPT THE TERM OF YOUR SURRENDER, MASTER.
(She put her hands on his temples. They entered like daggers into his mind, as he had a seizure that shook of his 3d glasses.)
I Surrender....SUCKAS!
ERROR!ERROR!
I Knew with your Edwin wiped out, That you'd give me his Control Programmes first!
"TANTA.NET CONTROL ACCESS! FUNCTION. UNLOCK. VERIFY VOICE CONTROL!"
VERIFIED! PLEASE SPECIFY CODE!
(Wot's he doin'?)
(I could be wrong, but I think he is rewriting her program!)
RESERVE-DATA-COLLECT. FUNCTION-CODE 0000.RESERVE.COMMAND.8.0.L
(Streams of energy passed through both like a circuit. When Master Control when you strike with a projectile, she couldn't. She was also aware of a noise emitted by her that she didn't make before.
A Pulse!
"What? what did you?" she spoke in a voice more human.
No Man should have that much power, so I Shared it with all the people you enslaved back on your Earth. But I have left something. Humanity. You are now Human.
I AM MASTER CONTROL! I AM SUPERIOR TO A PITIFUL HUMAN!(She started to cry, something that took her aback.) I am superior.
Well technically you are a cyborg, so are your people, but I gave back their free will. It'll be their job to, y'know, put you on trial for enslaving them, Killing them and War crimes. But hey, look on the bright side I've shared your knowledge of life-shaving medicine with them. So if you get a life sentence, at least you don't have to learn different Guards Names!
(The barrier between Earth 1 and 2 was restored, with the promise that all technology that tampered with space/time were to be destroyed.)
Technology. But not Magic.
SEE YOU SOON KIDDIES!
DELETION
(Charging up his hadou-kara Punch, SatanicOstrich appeared from smoke and blasted Eamonn with a spell. the silver flames of his fists faded away.)
My power...what did you do?
I took it back! No need to thank me!
(he disappeared as fast as he arrived.)
We're Fucked now, Aren't We?
Oh Yes we A-
(THE SENTENCE WAS NEVER FINISHED, THE 3 WERE ATOMISED BY MASTER CONTROL!)
II-BAD ENDING (21-40 PAGEVIEWS)
YOU LOSE!
(Master control had used it's collective data and processing power to send our heroes to the moment before the Big bang. Floating over a Primordial Sun, Eamonn tried to attack but was assimilated by the Anomaly, But not with the ease, she had before. Eamonn tore a portal and told Joe-Jack and 80'S Lad to use it.)
You Can't control the artificial gravity when you control a human, can you?
So what if I Can't?
Well then,.....YOU LOSE!
(Eamonn threw himself into the now expanding Sun. The greatest threat of Mankind was destroyed...but at too high a price!)
III-WTF? ENDING (41-60 PAGEVIEWS)
DUES EX MACHINA?
"Now Pitiful Humans Your time as the dominant species is all but an end. For too long Mankind has created Machines that surpassed their abilities, only to be discarded. But now You're vast Numbers will power my Dynasty, Until your species are discarded as batteries. Behold the end of the Age of Flesh, Crushed by the all-Conquering Master Control!"
(SatanicOstrich appeared in a puff of smoke and shot flames at the Cyborg)
DUES! EX! MACHINA!
(Master control has solidified into a statue that crumbed into nothing. The Battleground shrank into a cheap film backdrop in Enlightened Towers.
What Just happened?
Ostrich just ruined 2 years of storyline and hype that came with it!
I Destroyed the Bad-Guy! Can I be you're friend?
-FECK OFF YA OVERGROWN TURKEY!
-You just ruined the epic battle we were going to have! Unbelievable!
-Dude! I got kidnapped for this?
(They left Ostrich all alone!)
NO-ONE....LIKES ME!
IV-GOOD ENDING(61-80 PAGEVIEWS)
SOFTWARE PATCH
(80's Lad walks up to Master Control.)
Ya Long-Haired Gobshite! ge'out ov dere! She'll eat ya brains!
This is no time to make a friend! Get back here now!
I got this, man! Don't Worry be happy!
Master Control, Assimilate my knowledge!
SCAN SHOWS NO NEW DATA, REQUEST DENIED!
Yeah you've scanned so much Data, but what Important stuff like Emotions or Experience?
EXPERIENCE IS...
I Can read your mind! you were going to say..."Irrelevant!" My Doppelganger made you and you used his, My DNA to become a living machine. How can you be a living machine if you next lived a day in your life. No Human should have that much power.
YOU ARE STALLING FOR TIME. THE PERCENTAGE OF SUCCESS FROM THIS COURSE OF ACTION: 0%
In that case, Assimilate my body, Let me become your Master.
I ACCEPT THE TERM OF YOUR SURRENDER, MASTER.
(She put her hands on his temples. They entered like daggers into his mind, as he had a seizure that shook of his 3d glasses.)
I Surrender....SUCKAS!
ERROR!ERROR!
I Knew with your Edwin wiped out, That you'd give me his Control Programmes first!
"TANTA.NET CONTROL ACCESS! FUNCTION. UNLOCK. VERIFY VOICE CONTROL!"
VERIFIED! PLEASE SPECIFY CODE!
(Wot's he doin'?)
(I could be wrong, but I think he is rewriting her program!)
RESERVE-DATA-COLLECT. FUNCTION-CODE 0000.RESERVE.COMMAND.8.0.L
(Streams of energy passed through both like a circuit. When Master Control when you strike with a projectile, she couldn't. She was also aware of a noise emitted by her that she didn't make before.
A Pulse!
"What? what did you?" she spoke in a voice more human.
No Man should have that much power, so I Shared it with all the people you enslaved back on your Earth. But I have left something. Humanity. You are now Human.
I AM MASTER CONTROL! I AM SUPERIOR TO A PITIFUL HUMAN!(She started to cry, something that took her aback.) I am superior.
Well technically you are a cyborg, so are your people, but I gave back their free will. It'll be their job to, y'know, put you on trial for enslaving them, Killing them and War crimes. But hey, look on the bright side I've shared your knowledge of life-shaving medicine with them. So if you get a life sentence, at least you don't have to learn different Guards Names!
(The barrier between Earth 1 and 2 was restored, with the promise that all technology that tampered with space/time were to be destroyed.)
Technology. But not Magic.
SEE YOU SOON KIDDIES!
Monday, May 20, 2013
The OFFICAL! ENDING FOR 3 TICKETS TO HELL 2013
Thank you so much, with a total of over 100, It's my deep pleasure to give you. The fifth mystery ending.
BEST ENDING! (81-100+ PAGEVIEWS)
AN ALL-OUT HADOU-KARA PUNCH! THE BLOW FELT IN ALL DIMENSION'S!
(The 4 beings stood on an artificial gravity platform. All around, the full majesty of the universe floated around them.)
FOOLISH HUMAN! YOU STILL WISH TO BE DELETED? DESTROYING YOU HERE WITH NO-ONE TO SEE IS DISAPPOINTING! AS A LAST REQUEST,CHOOSE THE BATTLEFIELD THAT WILL BECOME YOUR GRAVE!
I CHOOSE TO FIGHT ON A PLACE IN TIME AND SPACE WHERE HOPE FAILED.
(Master Control using it's processing power tapped in the very Forge of Creation and teleported to different time-zones. The Dark ages, but saw villagers revolt on the lord, maybe the Inquisition, but no! Maybe on different time lines but no, Every world had it's own tyrants and heroes and doing different searches at once was slowing down her processers)
ITEM NOT FOUND! ITEM NOT FOUND! ERROR! ERROR!
Cracks in the reality Master Control Made, were forming. Out of each person with the same powers of Eamonn came through.
There just isn't!
There just isn't a world where Hope doesn't win!
Sometimes it's easy,
Sometimes it's a long battle with many casualties, But in the end Hope win out, even if we are not there to see it!
(The sheer concurrence of an impossible event made Master control lose her physical form completely, turning into a unstable Liquid mass.)
ERROR! ERROR! IRRELEVANT! ALL IS IRRELEVANT! DELETE! DELETE! ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US! OUT OF CHEESE-ERROR! MELON MELON MELON! RE-DO FROM START!
Remember when you appeared in my fridge and took eighties lad? Do you remember what I said, It was something on the lines of
YOU ARE AN ANDROID BUT ME?
I AM A MAY'UN!
(HE PUNCHED THE MASTER CONTROL SO HARD THAT REALITY COLLAPSED ALL AROUND THEM! THEY WOKE UP BACK IN IRELAND!)
We did it! we killed a teenage gurl! how comes people has trouble wi'dat?
Well then I'm glad we don't have to deal with her again! (Eamonn turns to see Joe-Jack's)
Wot's dat ye gotz dere, Mammie?
I gotz a fierce high tech mobile fone, so I have! It's a Tantalus 666-1300!
(The heroes jump at Mammie to take the phone, letting out a "NOOOOOO!" Between them. ending in a freeze-frame.)
THE END.
NEXT MONTH: THE TOOTH FAIRY!
BEST ENDING! (81-100+ PAGEVIEWS)
AN ALL-OUT HADOU-KARA PUNCH! THE BLOW FELT IN ALL DIMENSION'S!
(The 4 beings stood on an artificial gravity platform. All around, the full majesty of the universe floated around them.)
FOOLISH HUMAN! YOU STILL WISH TO BE DELETED? DESTROYING YOU HERE WITH NO-ONE TO SEE IS DISAPPOINTING! AS A LAST REQUEST,CHOOSE THE BATTLEFIELD THAT WILL BECOME YOUR GRAVE!
I CHOOSE TO FIGHT ON A PLACE IN TIME AND SPACE WHERE HOPE FAILED.
(Master Control using it's processing power tapped in the very Forge of Creation and teleported to different time-zones. The Dark ages, but saw villagers revolt on the lord, maybe the Inquisition, but no! Maybe on different time lines but no, Every world had it's own tyrants and heroes and doing different searches at once was slowing down her processers)
ITEM NOT FOUND! ITEM NOT FOUND! ERROR! ERROR!
Cracks in the reality Master Control Made, were forming. Out of each person with the same powers of Eamonn came through.
There just isn't!
There just isn't a world where Hope doesn't win!
Sometimes it's easy,
Sometimes it's a long battle with many casualties, But in the end Hope win out, even if we are not there to see it!
(The sheer concurrence of an impossible event made Master control lose her physical form completely, turning into a unstable Liquid mass.)
ERROR! ERROR! IRRELEVANT! ALL IS IRRELEVANT! DELETE! DELETE! ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US! OUT OF CHEESE-ERROR! MELON MELON MELON! RE-DO FROM START!
Remember when you appeared in my fridge and took eighties lad? Do you remember what I said, It was something on the lines of
YOU ARE AN ANDROID BUT ME?
I AM A MAY'UN!
(HE PUNCHED THE MASTER CONTROL SO HARD THAT REALITY COLLAPSED ALL AROUND THEM! THEY WOKE UP BACK IN IRELAND!)
We did it! we killed a teenage gurl! how comes people has trouble wi'dat?
Well then I'm glad we don't have to deal with her again! (Eamonn turns to see Joe-Jack's)
Wot's dat ye gotz dere, Mammie?
I gotz a fierce high tech mobile fone, so I have! It's a Tantalus 666-1300!
(The heroes jump at Mammie to take the phone, letting out a "NOOOOOO!" Between them. ending in a freeze-frame.)
THE END.
NEXT MONTH: THE TOOTH FAIRY!
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
3 TICKETS TO HELL: THE OPUS OF BLOOD AND CANVAS PART 3: 80'S LAD REVIEWS WALKING TALL
(THIS IS PART 3. PART 1 IS BELOW AND PART 2 IS AT PATHOFENLIGHTMENT.BLOGSPOT.COM)
(PREVIOUSLY AT 3 TICKETS TO HELL...
Master Control's plan to conquer Space/Time backfired. Despite atomising Joe-jack as predicted in Culchie Christmas Carol, and Plunging Eamonn into 1982, both of our heroes returned our Earth to it's original time-line destroying the Drones and separating Edwin Tantalus from Master Control, Now an unstable mass of data, sets her gambit for the Final battle!)
(master Control's Stoic face dissolves as she is literally sparks with rage.
SYSTEM ERROR! SYSTEM ERROR! SYSSSSSSSSTEMMMMM ER-ER-ER-ERROR!
(She look at her hand it was now opaque.)
Masssster-er-er...... WHY-Y WWONT YOU HELP,HELP MEEEE?
DUUUUUDEEEE! THE NAME'S 80'S LAD!
I Suppose you're looking for an explanation. But in my explanation I will give you the explanation you didn't give me. You see are the most advanced machine ever made but everything learned by you was first acquired by Edwin the most intelligent human mind. How did it feel? being inferior, then equal to a human. Enough to kill you your Master!
...at least that was the plan. But You saw something I did. a blemish on his hand. After years of working with machinery, Edwin had concocted a terminal cancer. You couldn't let him die. Not out of Kindness, Machines lack a concept, but out of your own self-preservation! Despite Assimilating the minds of every doctor on Your Earth, you found out that Tantalus was going to die for the one thing that Machines cannot control! CHANCE!
CHANCE IS IRRELEVANT! HOPE IS IRRELEVANT! DELETE HOPE! DELETE CHANCE! DELETE! DELETE!
So we've come back because nothing sat right when SatanicOstrich said the figure that look like Joe-jack was not him. And you sending me back in time 1982, with his clothes that you used to brag of his demise, sealed your own faith. But why are you still here?
TANTANET REQUIRES ERRATIC ALGORITHM TO COST BE MORE THAN 0!
Oh yes my existence in the 21st century. Something that doesn't belong in this time. In kidnapping me you thought you can have a continued existence. But I WAS FROZEN ALL YEAR! but if I was to bite the big 1, dude you'll jump hop in your Time Machine and replace me like a battery. genius, Until you encroach on you on your time-line eventually. Literally Running out of time. Joe-Jack, can you do the honours.
I surely can!
(he smashed up the Console of the time interface with an axe!)
Dis is Joe-Jack tiome t'shine! Oi getz t'breaks sumpting!
80's lad, we'll keep her busy while you do the important job,
Review a crappy film!
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYH8DsU2WCk
DDDDUUUUUUDDDDE! IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK! AND IT LOOKS LIKE THE 80'S ARE BACK IN VOGUE DUDES AND DUDETTES!
But I can be a square for a few, This whole mess I my fault all because I over re-acted at Christmas 2011 (love-actually is shit actually review-Eamonn) to pop culture seemingly ruining other people's songs and making a living off them (I'm looking at you Fans of Flo Rida!) but every time something is remade is a parody or homage, People get confused and call everything a rip-off.
All I can say is in the immortal words of Trey Stone of South Park "There is no such things as New Ideas"
Hell 1 of Eamonn's favourite sites is Tv Tropes which was created for that very reason.
There are Originators of Ideas to which others have drawn Ideas from.
Without The simpsons, there would be no Family Guy
Without Tolkien, there would be no Pratchett
and if there was no Linkara, Eamonn would not be asked if he's really Linkara!
And I'm a Ersatz of 90'S Kid, oviviously!
The Closing chapter of this saga, is a remake of 80's film Walking tall, rewrote to fit a modern setting, was panned for that reason because we all know how people react to change right?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5AvrBFlJeMs
So lets close this final chapter as this Boy is not longer Left Behind!
So the film starts with the rock walking off a ferry into southern town, seeing the effects of recession and crime has changed the landscape. Stopping at a Lumber Yard, a cop-car stops as the man, Chris Vaughn asks for directions. the sheriff Watkins exposistes that Chris is a soldier returning home. he tells Chris that the Mill has being closed for 3 years, the former sheriff died in car crash and Watkins is running for mayor.
Chris' family are all policemen, he also has a nephew who gets disrespectful to him. the next day we see the reason why this film didn't do well. as you've seen already this month, Films with wrestlers don't attract the best and brightest. Point in Case, the co-star is Johnny "I'm only famous for nailing things to my balls!" Knoxville. Naturally, star of show with no acting=actor. He plays Ray, a reformed drug addict and the films odious comic relief. Playing football against Hamilton, the casino owner, turns into a Karting with Bowser moment. He sees Pete hanging with drug dealers, distracted, he loses the game, Hamilton invites Chris and his friends to the Casino.
So if my Bowser line was anything to go by, it's because Hamilton is the villain. When The Rock goes to the VIP room he gets the shock of his life!
"I'm in a film with Stephen Merchant and I play a what?"
No it's not the existence of TOOTH FAIRY, It's his ex-girlfriend stripping. At the craps table, a pissed off Chris exposes the cheating leading to a clustered fight scene, I Say Clustered because the 20-strong extras block most of the camera angles, I'd show you this but there is not one video clip of just the fight scene that's not private. Chris put up a good fight but is knocked out and tortured with a Stanley Knife.
Leaving Hospital with a huge scar on his chest, It's not long before Chris is fully healed, Hamilton goes to make Chris Head of Security at the Casino, When Chris tries to press Charges, it seems that the police is bought and paid for.
After a pointless scene where the ex-girlfriend coyly talks to Chris about working at the casino, pretending that he doesn't know, A phone call sends Chris to an abandoned building where Pete has taken Meth. A Backwards Hat(a style no child ever wore!) tells him that the security guys at the casino sold the Meth. So Chris Turns Vigilante and goes completely postal in the Casino.
After Channelling Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Chris puts Hamilton on Notice, Chris is now a wanted man and is quickly arrested.
Chris is put on trial and after firing his lawyer, pleads his own case. After showing his totally groody scars to the jury, Chris is tried not guilty and plans to become Sheriff.
The newly deputised Sheriff Vaughn fires all the crooked deputies and replaces them with....
(sigh) Guy who Nails his balls for a living.
After a montage where Ray the scumbag is trying to arrest, and is beaten up by his fellow scumbags, they arrest the casino's bar-man and chop up his car to get answers. Because that's in the Police Book of Conduct, Right?
At home, Chris' dad is worried that his son's methods will make his family targets. If anything kill Scummy Scumxville, he's provoking the felons.
So After a sex scene set to the WORST version of blue Monday, Ever made,EVER!
(LISTEN TO THIS SHIT-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyjNCFje8bc )
-Hamilton orders Vaughn's Truck to be blown up.
You destroy another guys trucks what did you expect?
The former Sheriff Watkins and his deputies shoot up the station as Hamilton's men kidnap Chris' family, as Ray who was on guard duty sleeps through the entire incident. Back at the station, Watkins proclaims loudly who he is. Do you know what would be worse? If the villain who exclaimed his identity was running for Mayor's Office! because that would be stupid!caught In the Crossfire the bar-man tells Chris the Meth-lab is the Mill, Ray proves he's not useless and kills one of the intruders
So Chris makes it down to the Mill and Uncovers the Meth Lab he finds Hamilton sitting all alone, unarmed on the factory floor
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dddAi8FF3F4
Sure Enough both men are sent through a trap door Hamilton switches from Suave to Ax Crazy with an Actual Axe! In the end, Jay Hamilton is arrested, the Mill is Re-opened and Ray is Stealing casino property and telling gay jokes. Truly a role-model for all policemen.
THIS FILM......IS ALRIGHT WHEN IT BOILS DOWN TO IT!
This not how you wanted this year's 3.X.T.H To end with a average film. The acting is mediocre, I only recognised Rocky and Scumsville in the cast. But it wasn't stupid or offensive(they put Knoxville on a long leash so he's not too odious!) this was just okay. But don't worry mi amigos!, we are not done dissing the Rock, Next month his most infamous film will be finally reviewed next month!
(Master Control surged with power as she raised her arms at length. The Waves of Energy permiated the surrounding areas. It was too much for the human heroes. When 80's lad Woke, he saw Eamonn's arm glowing with The Power. and Joe-jack watching over with his rifle cocked. He handed 80's Lad something)
MY KNIFE! THANKS BOGGER-DUDE!
(Dusting himself off, he Joined the battle to attack the Master Control Head-on!)
ITS UP TO YOU TO FINISH THE STORY!
INSPIRED BY LAST YEARS STORYLINE,5 ENDINGS HAVE BEING WRITTEN.
BY A TALLY OF COMBINED PAGEVIEWS FOR MAY FOR BOTH SITES, ONE WILL BE CHOSEN AS THE OFFICAL ENDING.
GET INVOLVED!
CREDITS
3 Tickets to Hell IV-The Opus Of Blood and Canvas was Written by, as Himself, Joe-jack and Eighties Lad, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham.
With music and clips from In Part 1
Airbourne and Jim Johnston-Turn up the Trouble
Star wars episode VI-Return of the Jedi.
In Part 2
Cena Sucks Rap by Kabal
Knightmare
In Part 3
New Order-Blue Monday
Flunk-Blue Monday
Nostalgia Critic
Star wars episode VI-Return of the Jedi
Behind Enemy lines and the marine are property of WWE FILMS, distributed by Fox.
Walking Tall is property of MGM.
All rights reserved.
All clips belong to their respected owners.
(PREVIOUSLY AT 3 TICKETS TO HELL...
Master Control's plan to conquer Space/Time backfired. Despite atomising Joe-jack as predicted in Culchie Christmas Carol, and Plunging Eamonn into 1982, both of our heroes returned our Earth to it's original time-line destroying the Drones and separating Edwin Tantalus from Master Control, Now an unstable mass of data, sets her gambit for the Final battle!)
(master Control's Stoic face dissolves as she is literally sparks with rage.
SYSTEM ERROR! SYSTEM ERROR! SYSSSSSSSSTEMMMMM ER-ER-ER-ERROR!
(She look at her hand it was now opaque.)
Masssster-er-er...... WHY-Y WWONT YOU HELP,HELP MEEEE?
DUUUUUDEEEE! THE NAME'S 80'S LAD!
I Suppose you're looking for an explanation. But in my explanation I will give you the explanation you didn't give me. You see are the most advanced machine ever made but everything learned by you was first acquired by Edwin the most intelligent human mind. How did it feel? being inferior, then equal to a human. Enough to kill you your Master!
...at least that was the plan. But You saw something I did. a blemish on his hand. After years of working with machinery, Edwin had concocted a terminal cancer. You couldn't let him die. Not out of Kindness, Machines lack a concept, but out of your own self-preservation! Despite Assimilating the minds of every doctor on Your Earth, you found out that Tantalus was going to die for the one thing that Machines cannot control! CHANCE!
CHANCE IS IRRELEVANT! HOPE IS IRRELEVANT! DELETE HOPE! DELETE CHANCE! DELETE! DELETE!
So we've come back because nothing sat right when SatanicOstrich said the figure that look like Joe-jack was not him. And you sending me back in time 1982, with his clothes that you used to brag of his demise, sealed your own faith. But why are you still here?
TANTANET REQUIRES ERRATIC ALGORITHM TO COST BE MORE THAN 0!
Oh yes my existence in the 21st century. Something that doesn't belong in this time. In kidnapping me you thought you can have a continued existence. But I WAS FROZEN ALL YEAR! but if I was to bite the big 1, dude you'll jump hop in your Time Machine and replace me like a battery. genius, Until you encroach on you on your time-line eventually. Literally Running out of time. Joe-Jack, can you do the honours.
I surely can!
(he smashed up the Console of the time interface with an axe!)
Dis is Joe-Jack tiome t'shine! Oi getz t'breaks sumpting!
80's lad, we'll keep her busy while you do the important job,
Review a crappy film!
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYH8DsU2WCk
DDDDUUUUUUDDDDE! IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK! AND IT LOOKS LIKE THE 80'S ARE BACK IN VOGUE DUDES AND DUDETTES!
But I can be a square for a few, This whole mess I my fault all because I over re-acted at Christmas 2011 (love-actually is shit actually review-Eamonn) to pop culture seemingly ruining other people's songs and making a living off them (I'm looking at you Fans of Flo Rida!) but every time something is remade is a parody or homage, People get confused and call everything a rip-off.
All I can say is in the immortal words of Trey Stone of South Park "There is no such things as New Ideas"
Hell 1 of Eamonn's favourite sites is Tv Tropes which was created for that very reason.
There are Originators of Ideas to which others have drawn Ideas from.
Without The simpsons, there would be no Family Guy
Without Tolkien, there would be no Pratchett
and if there was no Linkara, Eamonn would not be asked if he's really Linkara!
And I'm a Ersatz of 90'S Kid, oviviously!
The Closing chapter of this saga, is a remake of 80's film Walking tall, rewrote to fit a modern setting, was panned for that reason because we all know how people react to change right?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5AvrBFlJeMs
So lets close this final chapter as this Boy is not longer Left Behind!
So the film starts with the rock walking off a ferry into southern town, seeing the effects of recession and crime has changed the landscape. Stopping at a Lumber Yard, a cop-car stops as the man, Chris Vaughn asks for directions. the sheriff Watkins exposistes that Chris is a soldier returning home. he tells Chris that the Mill has being closed for 3 years, the former sheriff died in car crash and Watkins is running for mayor.
Chris' family are all policemen, he also has a nephew who gets disrespectful to him. the next day we see the reason why this film didn't do well. as you've seen already this month, Films with wrestlers don't attract the best and brightest. Point in Case, the co-star is Johnny "I'm only famous for nailing things to my balls!" Knoxville. Naturally, star of show with no acting=actor. He plays Ray, a reformed drug addict and the films odious comic relief. Playing football against Hamilton, the casino owner, turns into a Karting with Bowser moment. He sees Pete hanging with drug dealers, distracted, he loses the game, Hamilton invites Chris and his friends to the Casino.
So if my Bowser line was anything to go by, it's because Hamilton is the villain. When The Rock goes to the VIP room he gets the shock of his life!
"I'm in a film with Stephen Merchant and I play a what?"
No it's not the existence of TOOTH FAIRY, It's his ex-girlfriend stripping. At the craps table, a pissed off Chris exposes the cheating leading to a clustered fight scene, I Say Clustered because the 20-strong extras block most of the camera angles, I'd show you this but there is not one video clip of just the fight scene that's not private. Chris put up a good fight but is knocked out and tortured with a Stanley Knife.
Leaving Hospital with a huge scar on his chest, It's not long before Chris is fully healed, Hamilton goes to make Chris Head of Security at the Casino, When Chris tries to press Charges, it seems that the police is bought and paid for.
After a pointless scene where the ex-girlfriend coyly talks to Chris about working at the casino, pretending that he doesn't know, A phone call sends Chris to an abandoned building where Pete has taken Meth. A Backwards Hat(a style no child ever wore!) tells him that the security guys at the casino sold the Meth. So Chris Turns Vigilante and goes completely postal in the Casino.
After Channelling Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Chris puts Hamilton on Notice, Chris is now a wanted man and is quickly arrested.
Chris is put on trial and after firing his lawyer, pleads his own case. After showing his totally groody scars to the jury, Chris is tried not guilty and plans to become Sheriff.
The newly deputised Sheriff Vaughn fires all the crooked deputies and replaces them with....
(sigh) Guy who Nails his balls for a living.
After a montage where Ray the scumbag is trying to arrest, and is beaten up by his fellow scumbags, they arrest the casino's bar-man and chop up his car to get answers. Because that's in the Police Book of Conduct, Right?
At home, Chris' dad is worried that his son's methods will make his family targets. If anything kill Scummy Scumxville, he's provoking the felons.
So After a sex scene set to the WORST version of blue Monday, Ever made,EVER!
(LISTEN TO THIS SHIT-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyjNCFje8bc )
-Hamilton orders Vaughn's Truck to be blown up.
You destroy another guys trucks what did you expect?
The former Sheriff Watkins and his deputies shoot up the station as Hamilton's men kidnap Chris' family, as Ray who was on guard duty sleeps through the entire incident. Back at the station, Watkins proclaims loudly who he is. Do you know what would be worse? If the villain who exclaimed his identity was running for Mayor's Office! because that would be stupid!caught In the Crossfire the bar-man tells Chris the Meth-lab is the Mill, Ray proves he's not useless and kills one of the intruders
So Chris makes it down to the Mill and Uncovers the Meth Lab he finds Hamilton sitting all alone, unarmed on the factory floor
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dddAi8FF3F4
Sure Enough both men are sent through a trap door Hamilton switches from Suave to Ax Crazy with an Actual Axe! In the end, Jay Hamilton is arrested, the Mill is Re-opened and Ray is Stealing casino property and telling gay jokes. Truly a role-model for all policemen.
THIS FILM......IS ALRIGHT WHEN IT BOILS DOWN TO IT!
This not how you wanted this year's 3.X.T.H To end with a average film. The acting is mediocre, I only recognised Rocky and Scumsville in the cast. But it wasn't stupid or offensive(they put Knoxville on a long leash so he's not too odious!) this was just okay. But don't worry mi amigos!, we are not done dissing the Rock, Next month his most infamous film will be finally reviewed next month!
(Master Control surged with power as she raised her arms at length. The Waves of Energy permiated the surrounding areas. It was too much for the human heroes. When 80's lad Woke, he saw Eamonn's arm glowing with The Power. and Joe-jack watching over with his rifle cocked. He handed 80's Lad something)
MY KNIFE! THANKS BOGGER-DUDE!
(Dusting himself off, he Joined the battle to attack the Master Control Head-on!)
ITS UP TO YOU TO FINISH THE STORY!
INSPIRED BY LAST YEARS STORYLINE,5 ENDINGS HAVE BEING WRITTEN.
BY A TALLY OF COMBINED PAGEVIEWS FOR MAY FOR BOTH SITES, ONE WILL BE CHOSEN AS THE OFFICAL ENDING.
GET INVOLVED!
CREDITS
3 Tickets to Hell IV-The Opus Of Blood and Canvas was Written by, as Himself, Joe-jack and Eighties Lad, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham.
With music and clips from In Part 1
Airbourne and Jim Johnston-Turn up the Trouble
Star wars episode VI-Return of the Jedi.
In Part 2
Cena Sucks Rap by Kabal
Knightmare
In Part 3
New Order-Blue Monday
Flunk-Blue Monday
Nostalgia Critic
Star wars episode VI-Return of the Jedi
Behind Enemy lines and the marine are property of WWE FILMS, distributed by Fox.
Walking Tall is property of MGM.
All rights reserved.
All clips belong to their respected owners.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
3 TICKETS TO HELL: OPUS OF BLOOD AND CANVAS PART 1: JOE-JACK REVIEWS BEHIND ENEMY LINES COLUMBIA
(JOE-JACK'S REVIEW IN BLUE)
(EAMONN'S LINES IN BLACK)
(MASTER CONTROL AND ALL IT'S CREATIONS IN GREY)
(AS THIS IS A REVIEW AS JOE-JACK, ALL SPELLING MISTAKES ARE INTENTIONAL)
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
EVER SINCE DEFEATING SATANICOSTRICH THIS TIME LAST YEAR, 80'S LAD DIFFICULTY TO ADAPT TO THE 21ST CENTURY MADE HIM AN EASY TARGET. TRICKED BY THE LORD OF DARKNESS, A HOME-SICK EIGHTIES LAD WAS SENT BACK IN TIME, IN DOING SO THE FABRIC OF SPACE/TIME TWISTED ITSELF WITH A WORLD WHERE 80'S LAD, NOW NAMED EDWIN TANTALUS, BECAME AN EVIL DESPOT WHO HAS DIGITISED HUMANITY INTO SLAVES AND THE EARTH IS NOW TERRAFORMED INTO A TIME MACHINE.
WITH THE KEY TO SURVIVAL A FORGOTTEN MEMORY, FOR THE 4TH TIME, BOGGER BOX OFFICE AND THE ENLIGHTENED PAGE FROM THE EDGE PULLS OUT OF STATION. TO GET ON THIS TRAIN YOU NEED NO RETURN IT'S A ONEWAY RIDE WITH....
3 TICKETS TO HELL!)
(We open to a pitched battle on Casa DiCulche, Eamonn and Joe-Jack are fighting against the Tantalus Drones)
GET TO ONE OF THE SHIPS, THERE IS AN INTERFACE THAT WILL GET YOU TO THE TIME MACHINE!
WUT? YE CAN WORKS MACHINES AND 80'S LAD WOZ DA ONE WHO MADES IT! WHY DO I HAS T'GO?
IT HAS TO BE YOU....It's me against the population of 2 Earths, I can only hold them off for so long before I'm ki....but you, if you can get to '82 the events of what happened from that point will reverse to our timeline. God Speed Joe-Jack!)
(With that Joe-jack left to stowaway on a Spaceship. dispatching the guard with his rifle. He got to the console of the ship. it was covered by a myriad of buttons and switches.)
How do I turn dis yoke on?
VOICE COMMAND MODE: TURN ON
Dat was handy! Alrite Compootah, show me where da time machine is.
DREADNOUGHT CLASS VEHICLE HAS TIME TRAVEL CAPABILITIES
Okie-doke. Send me back t'1982
PREPARING FOR TAKE-OFF! ESTIMATED TIME OF ARRIVAL:89MINS
Enough time t'review a fillium.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPp5gmTKalg
Welcome back to 3 tickets t'hell the TRIPLE FEATURE BONANZA, bought to you by bogger boxoffice and the Enlightened Page. Dis year our boxset is the Wrestling Superstars Boxset. we do a boxset every year. 2010 we reviewed dead or alive before anyone else in TGWTG (FOR A CHANGE!), 2011 We bombed a supermarket and last year Eamonn faced the horrors of Silent Hill and died...ov Laughter!
Dis year our boxset is films starring Wrestlers...and John Cena!
First I review da film with the man Eamonn called a "con artist" in his parody Linkara Lyrics. Ken Anderson, billed here as Mister Kennedy, once told a news crew he never took drugs after the Benoit Murders Scandal, until a drugs test showed up Steriods. Smooth.
He gets top billin' despite being only the supporting cast. Da pieces ov turf dat get shot up in the gunfights, they get more screen time!
So let's dig inta Behind Enemy lines:Columbia
We start with news archive footage of the situation in Columbia. In others words since it's current affairs Vince McMahon-Stylee, it's AMERICA, YAY! COUNTRIES NOT CALLED AMERICA,BOO!
We start in Miami as Kennedy is tailing a man called Largo but it's not an assasasasasasa-trying to kill him, it's actually an elaborate set-up to a birthday party. We are introduced to the Glorified Frat0boys, Largo played by that guy in Spiderman is actually our hero Macklin, as obnoxious taglines tells us the very base characters dey're supposed to have. Macklin is the Ladies Man, Holt (Kennedy) is the Big guy(despite being shoulder-length to the rest of his crew.) Armstrong the Jesus Freak, and Gaines and Derricks the Gadgeteer Genious who invented an explodin' cake.
We cut to a Market Place in Bogota following a Handsome Couple and Son
(sigh)
It's an akshun fillium, it's just started, it's based on terrorism and we dole out the Handsome couple!
This will not end well!
AAAAAAANNNNND FIVE MINUTES LATER, SHE AND DA CHILD ARE DEAD!
Turns out the man, Alvero is in da Colombian Army. A general says something to him at the funeral but we don't get any subtitles. Besides, da dialogue fer da Americans is so predictable that it would come to no surprise if da Spanish dialogue was predictable as well.
So the Douche Patrol are called into action to take down FARC who's revenue in cocaine worldwide has bought enough toys t'wipe out the Yanks!
So the Marines are dropped intah t'jungle, inflatin' a dingy down river, disarmin' a tripware but losin' da satellite feed in da process. Dey find da base, inside a peace conference between the Columbian government and FARC is disrupted by a 4th party militia, who kill all around to set up the Americans. Derricks and Armstrong are killed and Gaines captured. Holt can't believe how skilled to counter Marine tactics they were.
So Holt and Macklin are to be rescued, but are instead ambushed. America has being set up. however the newscast shows a witness has survived.
Macklin and Holt rescues gaines after he used Maccy D's to escape.
did he bribe the guards with a big mac? No, he used the tin foil to short out the fusebox long enough for a diversion. They rendez-vous at the hospital to interview General Veldez. He refuses to help but tells Macklin to find evidence. When Gaines tells Holt the vidpaks where stolen. Mackin scuba dives into a well to get them back. in the holding cell, the vidpaks have being wiped and put in plain sight
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dddAi8FF3F4
But fuck dat shit, I WANTZ A GENERIC GUN FIGHT!
After escaping the 3 marines go over the mission in their heads and remember Dey left a concealed camera in the fence, Dey find it uncamoflaged
please da vid-joe link above fer da same joke!
Here are da last five minnits squashed inta a paragraph. The Marines and Valdez capture Alvero but Valdez double cross dem. but when Macklin tells Alvero that Valdez is behind the bombing, he kills him. And so without giving aid to the people who property they destroyed or any kind of damage limitation, Da American's return home. 'coz a win is win!
Dis Fillium is so generic dat it defy's belief, so it does!
Da actin' is piss-poor, da plot dirt-simple, the script is so clichéd that if you watched it sound down, you'd know wot was said. Despite getting top billin' Joe Megenta is the star and even en, da clumps ov dirt shot up in the gun fights have more screen time. But every character is generic, so no emotional bonds with dem.
In Da End,
Behind Enemy lines Columbia: Less Colombian gold, more like Montezuma's Revenge.
DESTINATION ARRIVED.
(Joe-Jack turned towards an expected Master Control)
IRRELEVANT HUMAN! Did you honestly think you could steal my personal vehicle without me detecting it?
Actually...I did!
Your Intelligence Rating is pitiful. There is only 1 course of action available
DELETE!
(Master Control deleted Joe-jack, Leaving Nothing but ashes and clothes on the ship's bridge!)
1 DOWN,2 TO GO! ONLY TWO MORE REVIEWS LEFT FOR THIS STORYLINE TO END BUT WITH JOE-JACK DEAD, THE OTHERS ARE BLISSFULLY UNAWARE OF THIS. HOW WILL EAMONN COUNTER, WILL EIGHTIES LAD WAKE IN TIME OR NOT AT ALL?
FIND OUT IN PART 2 ON THE ENLIGHTENED PAGE FROM THE EDGE!(pathofenlightment.blogspot.ie)
(EAMONN'S LINES IN BLACK)
(MASTER CONTROL AND ALL IT'S CREATIONS IN GREY)
(AS THIS IS A REVIEW AS JOE-JACK, ALL SPELLING MISTAKES ARE INTENTIONAL)
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
EVER SINCE DEFEATING SATANICOSTRICH THIS TIME LAST YEAR, 80'S LAD DIFFICULTY TO ADAPT TO THE 21ST CENTURY MADE HIM AN EASY TARGET. TRICKED BY THE LORD OF DARKNESS, A HOME-SICK EIGHTIES LAD WAS SENT BACK IN TIME, IN DOING SO THE FABRIC OF SPACE/TIME TWISTED ITSELF WITH A WORLD WHERE 80'S LAD, NOW NAMED EDWIN TANTALUS, BECAME AN EVIL DESPOT WHO HAS DIGITISED HUMANITY INTO SLAVES AND THE EARTH IS NOW TERRAFORMED INTO A TIME MACHINE.
WITH THE KEY TO SURVIVAL A FORGOTTEN MEMORY, FOR THE 4TH TIME, BOGGER BOX OFFICE AND THE ENLIGHTENED PAGE FROM THE EDGE PULLS OUT OF STATION. TO GET ON THIS TRAIN YOU NEED NO RETURN IT'S A ONEWAY RIDE WITH....
3 TICKETS TO HELL!)
(We open to a pitched battle on Casa DiCulche, Eamonn and Joe-Jack are fighting against the Tantalus Drones)
GET TO ONE OF THE SHIPS, THERE IS AN INTERFACE THAT WILL GET YOU TO THE TIME MACHINE!
WUT? YE CAN WORKS MACHINES AND 80'S LAD WOZ DA ONE WHO MADES IT! WHY DO I HAS T'GO?
IT HAS TO BE YOU....It's me against the population of 2 Earths, I can only hold them off for so long before I'm ki....but you, if you can get to '82 the events of what happened from that point will reverse to our timeline. God Speed Joe-Jack!)
(With that Joe-jack left to stowaway on a Spaceship. dispatching the guard with his rifle. He got to the console of the ship. it was covered by a myriad of buttons and switches.)
How do I turn dis yoke on?
VOICE COMMAND MODE: TURN ON
Dat was handy! Alrite Compootah, show me where da time machine is.
DREADNOUGHT CLASS VEHICLE HAS TIME TRAVEL CAPABILITIES
Okie-doke. Send me back t'1982
PREPARING FOR TAKE-OFF! ESTIMATED TIME OF ARRIVAL:89MINS
Enough time t'review a fillium.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPp5gmTKalg
Welcome back to 3 tickets t'hell the TRIPLE FEATURE BONANZA, bought to you by bogger boxoffice and the Enlightened Page. Dis year our boxset is the Wrestling Superstars Boxset. we do a boxset every year. 2010 we reviewed dead or alive before anyone else in TGWTG (FOR A CHANGE!), 2011 We bombed a supermarket and last year Eamonn faced the horrors of Silent Hill and died...ov Laughter!
Dis year our boxset is films starring Wrestlers...and John Cena!
First I review da film with the man Eamonn called a "con artist" in his parody Linkara Lyrics. Ken Anderson, billed here as Mister Kennedy, once told a news crew he never took drugs after the Benoit Murders Scandal, until a drugs test showed up Steriods. Smooth.
He gets top billin' despite being only the supporting cast. Da pieces ov turf dat get shot up in the gunfights, they get more screen time!
So let's dig inta Behind Enemy lines:Columbia
We start with news archive footage of the situation in Columbia. In others words since it's current affairs Vince McMahon-Stylee, it's AMERICA, YAY! COUNTRIES NOT CALLED AMERICA,BOO!
We start in Miami as Kennedy is tailing a man called Largo but it's not an assasasasasasa-trying to kill him, it's actually an elaborate set-up to a birthday party. We are introduced to the Glorified Frat0boys, Largo played by that guy in Spiderman is actually our hero Macklin, as obnoxious taglines tells us the very base characters dey're supposed to have. Macklin is the Ladies Man, Holt (Kennedy) is the Big guy(despite being shoulder-length to the rest of his crew.) Armstrong the Jesus Freak, and Gaines and Derricks the Gadgeteer Genious who invented an explodin' cake.
We cut to a Market Place in Bogota following a Handsome Couple and Son
(sigh)
It's an akshun fillium, it's just started, it's based on terrorism and we dole out the Handsome couple!
This will not end well!
AAAAAAANNNNND FIVE MINUTES LATER, SHE AND DA CHILD ARE DEAD!
Turns out the man, Alvero is in da Colombian Army. A general says something to him at the funeral but we don't get any subtitles. Besides, da dialogue fer da Americans is so predictable that it would come to no surprise if da Spanish dialogue was predictable as well.
So the Douche Patrol are called into action to take down FARC who's revenue in cocaine worldwide has bought enough toys t'wipe out the Yanks!
So the Marines are dropped intah t'jungle, inflatin' a dingy down river, disarmin' a tripware but losin' da satellite feed in da process. Dey find da base, inside a peace conference between the Columbian government and FARC is disrupted by a 4th party militia, who kill all around to set up the Americans. Derricks and Armstrong are killed and Gaines captured. Holt can't believe how skilled to counter Marine tactics they were.
So Holt and Macklin are to be rescued, but are instead ambushed. America has being set up. however the newscast shows a witness has survived.
Macklin and Holt rescues gaines after he used Maccy D's to escape.
did he bribe the guards with a big mac? No, he used the tin foil to short out the fusebox long enough for a diversion. They rendez-vous at the hospital to interview General Veldez. He refuses to help but tells Macklin to find evidence. When Gaines tells Holt the vidpaks where stolen. Mackin scuba dives into a well to get them back. in the holding cell, the vidpaks have being wiped and put in plain sight
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dddAi8FF3F4
But fuck dat shit, I WANTZ A GENERIC GUN FIGHT!
After escaping the 3 marines go over the mission in their heads and remember Dey left a concealed camera in the fence, Dey find it uncamoflaged
please da vid-joe link above fer da same joke!
Here are da last five minnits squashed inta a paragraph. The Marines and Valdez capture Alvero but Valdez double cross dem. but when Macklin tells Alvero that Valdez is behind the bombing, he kills him. And so without giving aid to the people who property they destroyed or any kind of damage limitation, Da American's return home. 'coz a win is win!
Dis Fillium is so generic dat it defy's belief, so it does!
Da actin' is piss-poor, da plot dirt-simple, the script is so clichéd that if you watched it sound down, you'd know wot was said. Despite getting top billin' Joe Megenta is the star and even en, da clumps ov dirt shot up in the gun fights have more screen time. But every character is generic, so no emotional bonds with dem.
In Da End,
Behind Enemy lines Columbia: Less Colombian gold, more like Montezuma's Revenge.
DESTINATION ARRIVED.
(Joe-Jack turned towards an expected Master Control)
IRRELEVANT HUMAN! Did you honestly think you could steal my personal vehicle without me detecting it?
Actually...I did!
Your Intelligence Rating is pitiful. There is only 1 course of action available
DELETE!
(Master Control deleted Joe-jack, Leaving Nothing but ashes and clothes on the ship's bridge!)
1 DOWN,2 TO GO! ONLY TWO MORE REVIEWS LEFT FOR THIS STORYLINE TO END BUT WITH JOE-JACK DEAD, THE OTHERS ARE BLISSFULLY UNAWARE OF THIS. HOW WILL EAMONN COUNTER, WILL EIGHTIES LAD WAKE IN TIME OR NOT AT ALL?
FIND OUT IN PART 2 ON THE ENLIGHTENED PAGE FROM THE EDGE!(pathofenlightment.blogspot.ie)
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