Thank you so much for exceeding my expectations, even if Twitter voting was a big bust.
WITH 262 Pageviews between 16th of April and the end of May, you've deserved this.
ENDING 5.
81-100+ pageviews
BEST ENDING.
LIKE A BAWSS!
(As the dust cleared, the Figure on the screens of the control room confirmed that it was Eamonn. The gateway behind him glowed infernally and exploded throwing him to the roof of the cave.)
"Mister DiCulchie? Mister Tantalus? The doctor says you can see him now!"
(Lying in A hospital bed, with bandaged ribs, was Eamonn.)
Well, it looks like we pulled the rug out of the fire again.
-Totally! but one thing bugs me, Enlightened-Dude!
-What's that?
-Why didn't you use your Teleportation Powers to get the swe-eeeet hell outta Dodge?
-YA! An' wot was ye and SatanicHostagewich talkin' abou'?
The Seal to Hell didn't recognise Ostrich was fully Satanic, ever since our battles, a piece of his power lodged in my fist. So I agreed to have it excommunicated from me to seal hell up for good. It was a jarring experience, I almost was seduced by the power and desires, but somehow I pulled through.
So ye are sayin' dat if Hostagewich wuld invade Earf again, ye'll be powerless?
I wouldn't say that! Your spydroid is powered by a digitised source code of my former power, so by inventing, I don't know, a powerglove?, We'll be back in the game. and as for Ostrich feeling un-appreciated, I have that sewn up!
(We cut to Hell. In a icy prison, the force's of the universe give SatanicOstrich the Riot Act.)
(wHAT yOU dID wAS iRRESPONIBLE, sATAN!, yOUR rOLE iS tOO iMPORTANT tO wARRANT tHAT kIND oFF bEHAVIOUR.)
-My job is to control the evil of this world. That doesn't make me evil!
(wHAT yOU fEEL oR dON't fEEL iS oF nO rEAL cONSEQUENCE.)
I Just want to feel appreciated, y'know? someone to come up and say, "Good Job Satan"
(wE aRE aBOVE sUCH nOTIONS. aND sO mUST yOU bE!)
(Ostrich returned to his quarters. Standing out from his desktop was a wrapped present. His talons opened it. It was a mug. He turned to see the legend written on it and a smile grew on his beak.
it read:
WORLD'S GREATEST BOSS!
GAME OVER!
THANKS FOR PLAYING!
Showing posts with label THE INFERNAL LODGER. Show all posts
Showing posts with label THE INFERNAL LODGER. Show all posts
Monday, May 26, 2014
Thursday, May 1, 2014
TICKET TO HELL:DamNation: Eamonn reviews Silent Hill Revalation part 2
(This months theme-Silent Hill 3 soundtrack- End of sanctuary)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_e8abf_Tds
We Begin Part 2 by Heather waking after Vince is kidnapped. The ash snowing outside the motel confirms her fears: she has returned to Otherworld.
Heather makes her way on foot to the church where a funeral pyre shows Vincent dead. the only epitaph: TRAITOR. She is met by Dahlia Gillespie, Alessa's mother, who instead of being a-easily-lead Moron who signed the death-warrant for a bullied, sexually abused child born out of wedlock, is more sympathetic and wanting forgiveness. Dahlia confirms that Alessa is no more and only the reaper remains, her mother tells her the darkness will spread and the flashes into Otherworld will last longer now both halves of Alessa are in the one place.
Hiding in a Mannequin Factory from the darkness, the only new monster for this film, the Mannequin Creature, a Spider made of Mannequin Parts, turns the Bionic Woman from the shit remake into a mannequin. and Heather save another girl before she gets used as spare parts too. This new creature is formed from Alessa's Jealously as her own burnt body lies in the furnace from the fire Rose started in the first film.
In the church of the order, Vincent is not dead, spared by the Order, but mostly by his mother Claudia. Still believing Heather is Evil, and Her son is brainwashed. Claudia orders her son to be taken to the asylum.
Heather has made her way to asylum, via the sewers after the other girl is eaten by the Mannequin Creature. She's in MidWich hospital, also known as the Heart of Darkness where Alessa resides and where her powers are at her peak.
In the dark and dilapidated asylum, Heather encounters fierce creatures, madmen and the insane Leonard (Malcolm McDowell) Heather needs to find the other seal to escape otherworld, as Leonard is blind, she gives the seal to feel. He tells her the seals unlock the true power of the reaper, and now we know why leonard is Insane: HE STITCHED THE SEAL INSIDE HIMSELF!
inserting the other disk into his gash, the blind zealot is cured of his affliction and is now a God, transforming into himself into his boss form. but Heather grabs the seal out of his gash and he's reduced to ashes.
Wow, MacDowell must charge by the hour, he's dead after 1 scene! plus as a boss he's as bad as Evrae Atlanta. Or Sheep-man.
So Heather seeing how the 2 seal react to each like magnetism, figures that she and Alessa have some kind of Twin Telepathy, when she is attacked by patients. she calls for help and someone answers: PYRAMID HEAD!
Okay, the helmet is still papier Mache and metallic Paint but By Your God, he has took a level in badass. as he saves Heather by chopping of arms 1 by 1.
Heather goes to rescue Vincent form the nurses who also make a return. Vincent tries to convince heather once again not to find her father because it's a trap, but she interjects that having a real cause is worth fighting for. This Convinces Vincent after a Good-bye kiss to stall the order. Heather is told the sanctuary is under the amusement park.
The events of the opening scene play out only this time, it's the clerics who are burnt by the roundabout's fire.
After Transforming from Alessa aged 10, to Alessa dressed as heather with her hairstyle in their natural black hair covered in blood, Heather tries to reason with her. But Reaper tells Sharon that all is left is Alessa's Rage. So Reaper grabs heather and starts to transform her into herself, Sharing memories of her past. but Heather hugs the empty shell of alessa, and shares her loving past. all the while shouting that if she wanted a part to live that she would want this: Love that she was denied. This causes Alessa to combust and the reaper along with it.
The sanctuary door opens and Heather with a small piece of Reaper absorbed demands Claudia to free Vincent and Christopher.
So lets Wrap this up!
Heather gives Claudia the seal which turns her into Voldo. Pyramid Head, now under heather's command attacks Voldo, and both have a stunningly shot knife fight in a ring of fire. Pyramid Head kills Claudia/Voldo, as Heather frees both men. Chris tells both teenagers that without a leader, the order is confused and now even more dangerous, once more, without Claudia, Leonard, or The Reaper, Silent Hill has no anchor in reality, and since Rose is still missing, he'll search otherworld until he finds her, bringing the seal with him as he walking through the fog. and so the film ends just as when Vincent and Sharon hitchhikes out of Silent Hill, the police trying to hunt the murder suspect Heather Disilva drive into Silent hill...and the fog of Otherworld!
This film is good...but it could have being a whole lot better.
First let's talk about the improvements.
Sean Bean did something in this film! The Lighting that ruined most of the potential scares in the first film was used expertly in this, Notably the flashback at school and the Mannequin Creature chase. Background music was a bare minimum as opposed to it blasting seconds before a failed jump-scare. This time by not changing the costumes in anyway, made the monsters scary.
Now to the negatives.
They should have made McDowell's character the main villain, as Moss was a little lame, and that way his transformation into God will not be anticlimactic. Next gripe the reveal of Vincent past should have being near the end and not in middle. and 3rd and last mumble is Adelaide Clemens who has played two diametrically opposing parts with only 1 facial expression can you guess which 1?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVGvszaIr-w
Still, Silent Hill Revelation is a good story, It's just a shame it took it being a sequel to a shit story to finally tell it!
(Eamonn walked for what seemed like miles, in what seemed like days, until he and Ostrich reached the Seal of The Nine Circles, a eldritch symbol that separates Hell from Earth and Other Earths. Ostrich placed his wing onto the glyph. It glows with flames that illuminated all but one intersecting circle.
"we got a problem!"
-What?
-It's not excepting me back home. I'm not fully Satanic anymore
-So do you have a plan?
-Yes! But you won't like it...
(Meanwhile, we cut to the fixed spy-drone manned by Joe-Jack and 80's Lad.)
DUUUDDDDEE! WE are so Back online! but Bummer me Jorges the mic is kuputnik!
Well what evah Da Quere Fella said, it's not gone down well with Townie Bastid!
(Eamonn steps into SatanicOstrich's reach and a magical transformation happens! behind the light show, the seal opens and a blast of flame and smoke knocks down the droid, as from the thick smoke a solitary being walks out.....
NOW ITS UP TO YOU TO FINISH THE STORY!
I have written 5 endings to this scenario in true SH Style. In addition to the Number of Pageviews, you can now go to my Twitter account @RealEnli, to cast your vote!
the options are:
Thank you and Happy voting!
CREDITS
Silent Hill revelation was reviewed, edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With clips and music by
in part 1:
You're not here-Silent hill 3 soundtrack
and in part 2:
End of sanctuary-silent hill 3 soundtrack
MST3K
Silent Hill is a trademark of Konami and Silent hill revelation is distributed by Liongate. All rights reserved.
Follow me on twitter @RealEnli and don't forget to vote!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_e8abf_Tds
We Begin Part 2 by Heather waking after Vince is kidnapped. The ash snowing outside the motel confirms her fears: she has returned to Otherworld.
Heather makes her way on foot to the church where a funeral pyre shows Vincent dead. the only epitaph: TRAITOR. She is met by Dahlia Gillespie, Alessa's mother, who instead of being a-easily-lead Moron who signed the death-warrant for a bullied, sexually abused child born out of wedlock, is more sympathetic and wanting forgiveness. Dahlia confirms that Alessa is no more and only the reaper remains, her mother tells her the darkness will spread and the flashes into Otherworld will last longer now both halves of Alessa are in the one place.
Hiding in a Mannequin Factory from the darkness, the only new monster for this film, the Mannequin Creature, a Spider made of Mannequin Parts, turns the Bionic Woman from the shit remake into a mannequin. and Heather save another girl before she gets used as spare parts too. This new creature is formed from Alessa's Jealously as her own burnt body lies in the furnace from the fire Rose started in the first film.
In the church of the order, Vincent is not dead, spared by the Order, but mostly by his mother Claudia. Still believing Heather is Evil, and Her son is brainwashed. Claudia orders her son to be taken to the asylum.
Heather has made her way to asylum, via the sewers after the other girl is eaten by the Mannequin Creature. She's in MidWich hospital, also known as the Heart of Darkness where Alessa resides and where her powers are at her peak.
In the dark and dilapidated asylum, Heather encounters fierce creatures, madmen and the insane Leonard (Malcolm McDowell) Heather needs to find the other seal to escape otherworld, as Leonard is blind, she gives the seal to feel. He tells her the seals unlock the true power of the reaper, and now we know why leonard is Insane: HE STITCHED THE SEAL INSIDE HIMSELF!
inserting the other disk into his gash, the blind zealot is cured of his affliction and is now a God, transforming into himself into his boss form. but Heather grabs the seal out of his gash and he's reduced to ashes.
Wow, MacDowell must charge by the hour, he's dead after 1 scene! plus as a boss he's as bad as Evrae Atlanta. Or Sheep-man.
So Heather seeing how the 2 seal react to each like magnetism, figures that she and Alessa have some kind of Twin Telepathy, when she is attacked by patients. she calls for help and someone answers: PYRAMID HEAD!
Okay, the helmet is still papier Mache and metallic Paint but By Your God, he has took a level in badass. as he saves Heather by chopping of arms 1 by 1.
Heather goes to rescue Vincent form the nurses who also make a return. Vincent tries to convince heather once again not to find her father because it's a trap, but she interjects that having a real cause is worth fighting for. This Convinces Vincent after a Good-bye kiss to stall the order. Heather is told the sanctuary is under the amusement park.
The events of the opening scene play out only this time, it's the clerics who are burnt by the roundabout's fire.
After Transforming from Alessa aged 10, to Alessa dressed as heather with her hairstyle in their natural black hair covered in blood, Heather tries to reason with her. But Reaper tells Sharon that all is left is Alessa's Rage. So Reaper grabs heather and starts to transform her into herself, Sharing memories of her past. but Heather hugs the empty shell of alessa, and shares her loving past. all the while shouting that if she wanted a part to live that she would want this: Love that she was denied. This causes Alessa to combust and the reaper along with it.
The sanctuary door opens and Heather with a small piece of Reaper absorbed demands Claudia to free Vincent and Christopher.
So lets Wrap this up!
Heather gives Claudia the seal which turns her into Voldo. Pyramid Head, now under heather's command attacks Voldo, and both have a stunningly shot knife fight in a ring of fire. Pyramid Head kills Claudia/Voldo, as Heather frees both men. Chris tells both teenagers that without a leader, the order is confused and now even more dangerous, once more, without Claudia, Leonard, or The Reaper, Silent Hill has no anchor in reality, and since Rose is still missing, he'll search otherworld until he finds her, bringing the seal with him as he walking through the fog. and so the film ends just as when Vincent and Sharon hitchhikes out of Silent Hill, the police trying to hunt the murder suspect Heather Disilva drive into Silent hill...and the fog of Otherworld!
This film is good...but it could have being a whole lot better.
First let's talk about the improvements.
Sean Bean did something in this film! The Lighting that ruined most of the potential scares in the first film was used expertly in this, Notably the flashback at school and the Mannequin Creature chase. Background music was a bare minimum as opposed to it blasting seconds before a failed jump-scare. This time by not changing the costumes in anyway, made the monsters scary.
Now to the negatives.
They should have made McDowell's character the main villain, as Moss was a little lame, and that way his transformation into God will not be anticlimactic. Next gripe the reveal of Vincent past should have being near the end and not in middle. and 3rd and last mumble is Adelaide Clemens who has played two diametrically opposing parts with only 1 facial expression can you guess which 1?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVGvszaIr-w
Still, Silent Hill Revelation is a good story, It's just a shame it took it being a sequel to a shit story to finally tell it!
(Eamonn walked for what seemed like miles, in what seemed like days, until he and Ostrich reached the Seal of The Nine Circles, a eldritch symbol that separates Hell from Earth and Other Earths. Ostrich placed his wing onto the glyph. It glows with flames that illuminated all but one intersecting circle.
"we got a problem!"
-What?
-It's not excepting me back home. I'm not fully Satanic anymore
-So do you have a plan?
-Yes! But you won't like it...
(Meanwhile, we cut to the fixed spy-drone manned by Joe-Jack and 80's Lad.)
DUUUDDDDEE! WE are so Back online! but Bummer me Jorges the mic is kuputnik!
Well what evah Da Quere Fella said, it's not gone down well with Townie Bastid!
(Eamonn steps into SatanicOstrich's reach and a magical transformation happens! behind the light show, the seal opens and a blast of flame and smoke knocks down the droid, as from the thick smoke a solitary being walks out.....
NOW ITS UP TO YOU TO FINISH THE STORY!
I have written 5 endings to this scenario in true SH Style. In addition to the Number of Pageviews, you can now go to my Twitter account @RealEnli, to cast your vote!
the options are:
- #3TicketsWORSE To deduct 5 points from my final tally
- #3TicketsBAD To Deduct 2 point from my final tally
- #3TicketsDOG To add 1 point to my final tally
- #3TicketsGOOD to add 2 point to my final tally and a following
- #3TicketsBest to add 5 points to my final tally and a following and personal thank you tweet
Thank you and Happy voting!
CREDITS
Silent Hill revelation was reviewed, edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With clips and music by
in part 1:
You're not here-Silent hill 3 soundtrack
and in part 2:
End of sanctuary-silent hill 3 soundtrack
MST3K
Silent Hill is a trademark of Konami and Silent hill revelation is distributed by Liongate. All rights reserved.
Follow me on twitter @RealEnli and don't forget to vote!
Friday, April 18, 2014
TICKET TO HELL:DamNation:Eamonn Reviews Silent Hill Revalation Part 1
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE....
Ever Since SatanicOstrich had left his thankless job as The Devil of my Universe, All Hell went loose...Literally! Without a Satan, All evil has leaked into Reality, the Only Solution?: Bring Ostrich back to Hell! Easy Right? WRONG! Since my Tussle with SatanicOstrich's forces at the 2nd 3 Tickets to Hell, I have a piece of Satanic Power lodged into my fist! It's handy cos now I can pull items from dvds as well as perform varieties of my signature Limit Break, The Hadou-kara Punch, a flameing punch to the guts, As well as teleportation. But off course there is a catch, too much negativity and I GO INSANE!)
(The Train to Hell screeched to a halt.)
Well....Here We are!
(Eamonn stepped into an ash covered street. He wiped a sign's bottom It read "STATE OF VIRGINIA")
Virginia? I thought this was Hell?
-It is. IT'S YOUR HELL!
(THE 9FT Avian stepped forward the clawed feet scraping the freshly snowed ash. He Wiped the top of the sign to reveal WELCOME TO SILENT HILL as on cue an air-raid siren bellowed overhead.)
AND NOW! THE FINAL CHAPTER OF THIS CURRENT STORYLINE AND OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
(This review's theme You're Not Here from Silent Hill 3)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZmMD84XpCs
So This is it! My fight to destroy Hell has become the fight to save it. Bookmarked by a review of silent Hill's trudge as a film franchise.
First a backstory for those who came in 2 years late...
Based on the Trouser browning Horror Game Series By Konami, The 1st movie took the entire mythos and backstory and threw it into a paper shredder, Turning it into a Fright-free Scooby-Doo episode where Radha Mitchell was chased by Papier Mache Pyramid Head back and forth before being hit with plot 10 minutes before the end credits.
AND THE PLOT WAS EVEN MORE STUPID!
As Rose's daughter was infact a piece of a dead girl killed by a stupid cult who believes that Artistic Skill is the mark of the devil!
So the cult sacrificed her to their god, who was prophesied to return. But even All-destroying Demons have standards and was angered by a child being sacrificed and Ran amuck, turning all the children into monsters and creating Freudian physical representations of fears and flaws. Oh and Sean Bean was also there!
So let's try to make sense of all this. This is Silent Hill revelation. And this is your TICKET TO HELL
We start in a nightmare sequence as a teenage girl is chased by clerics into a disturbing funfair. Between the dying goldfish &; haunted teddies, she hides on a merry-go-round manned by papier Machie Pyramid Head. On the ride that bursts into flames, are 2 Janitors changed like horses and Alessa dressed as the girl. as he sets the 2 pedophiles on fire, she warns her she can't be defeated and not to go to Silent Hill, before turning her flames onto her. She wakes as her Father (Bean) consols her...Only to be stabbed gruesomely by a Janitor!...Only that was a dream too!
Okay 5 minutes in and this is far more scarier than the first film in it's entirety...Good Job!
That morning we are told that Heather (Adelaide Clemens) was Sharon, Rose and Christopher's daughter who was kidnapped in the first film, and the part of Alessa, the sacrificed girl who was separated by the Reaper to live, Christopher, now called Harry have being moving from place to place to avoid the Order.
But what about Rose I hear you ask? From what I could gather from the ending in SH1, is that rose and Sharon escaped Silent hill, returned home but was still trapped in Otherworld. We are told that this is the case, As rose found a seal to escape but it was only small enough for a child.
But despite changing his name, Chris/Harry is still a Dick! Who tells Sharon that her mother died in an accident saving her, despite the girl holding the Missing piece of the seal the entire time, which Harry has kept for save keeping for 7 years where obviously the truth has since come out.
After meeting her class for the 1st time, we also meet Vincent Cooper who has also moved.
THIS'LL END WELL(!)
In the hallway, Heather has a flashback to Alessa's horrible childhood namely all the back-water Hillbilly children accusing her of being a witch...because she can draw well!
And no, I'm not going to get over how fucking stupid that is!
Then Sharon is sent to otherworld where the Armless Man charges but bumping into Vincent brings her back to reality. Heather seems to be followed. At the same time Harry gets kidnapped.
Heather is to meet Harry at a burger pace for her birthday. There is also a children's birthday party for 2 twins called Heather and Alessa...This sends our heroine into another Mushroom samba where all the customers are eating bloody burgers! The Man following her calls her by her birth name and she runs in terror...into Silent Hill's Butcher.
The man is a Private investigator who was hired by the Order but has a change of heart. But he's killed by...Voldo from Soul Caliber? What?
Hours pass and police find the P.I'S Body and Heather's coat, so they believe she is a suspect. She bumps into Vincent on the train home. Vincent tells her about his Crazy grandfather including the famous "they look like monsters to you?" line as a piece of foreshadowing.
Heather and Vincent return to her street where she finds that the Order has kidnapped him. A concerned Vincent heard her scream before he left. So both go through the keepsake box where Heather finds her real birthday present: A Pistol. As well as the seal she held when she escaped 7 years ago. The Police raid the house, but by now the teenagers have left the house on a rescue mission.
Stopping at a seedy motel, Heather has a nightmare of Alessa bringing decay to Silent hill. Vincent tells her not go as it's a trap, but Heather says she is sick of running. And if Alessa truly wanted a piece of her to live, she would have left her alone. Convinced that Heather is pure of heart, Vincent confesses that he is a child of the Order, he escaped by having the seal carved onto his chest by the new Order leader, his mother, Claudia(Carrie-Ann Moss). He was sent to coerce Heather to the order's teachings, but instead wants to help. Before he is kidnapped by Voldo, he states that the other seal belongs to his granddad, the dangerous Leonard Wolfe, and the Order's is to make Alessa and Heather into 1 being again, regain control of the Reaper, break the curse that binds them only to Silent hill and spread their vile doctrine to the world!
So the bad guys actually have a plan. Good Job.
(Meanwhile, 80'S Lad and Joe-Jack was using a rebuild spy-droid that was "acquired" during last years digital uprising)
Didya find an'ting interesting?
DUUUUUDDDDE! THAT IS A BIG TEN-FOUR, Culchie-Dude!
(the screen shows a close-up shot of a Nurse's chest.)
Which button is da close-up?
-don't touch the control!
-Ya Have ya Shite! Gimme that comptrolla!
(The spy droid bumped into the Nurse, who promptly smashed it with her Claw hammer)
NO SIGNAL.
TRANSMISSION ENDED.
RESUMING PROGRAMMING IN 1/5/14
Ever Since SatanicOstrich had left his thankless job as The Devil of my Universe, All Hell went loose...Literally! Without a Satan, All evil has leaked into Reality, the Only Solution?: Bring Ostrich back to Hell! Easy Right? WRONG! Since my Tussle with SatanicOstrich's forces at the 2nd 3 Tickets to Hell, I have a piece of Satanic Power lodged into my fist! It's handy cos now I can pull items from dvds as well as perform varieties of my signature Limit Break, The Hadou-kara Punch, a flameing punch to the guts, As well as teleportation. But off course there is a catch, too much negativity and I GO INSANE!)
(The Train to Hell screeched to a halt.)
Well....Here We are!
(Eamonn stepped into an ash covered street. He wiped a sign's bottom It read "STATE OF VIRGINIA")
Virginia? I thought this was Hell?
-It is. IT'S YOUR HELL!
(THE 9FT Avian stepped forward the clawed feet scraping the freshly snowed ash. He Wiped the top of the sign to reveal WELCOME TO SILENT HILL as on cue an air-raid siren bellowed overhead.)
AND NOW! THE FINAL CHAPTER OF THIS CURRENT STORYLINE AND OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
(This review's theme You're Not Here from Silent Hill 3)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZmMD84XpCs
So This is it! My fight to destroy Hell has become the fight to save it. Bookmarked by a review of silent Hill's trudge as a film franchise.
First a backstory for those who came in 2 years late...
Based on the Trouser browning Horror Game Series By Konami, The 1st movie took the entire mythos and backstory and threw it into a paper shredder, Turning it into a Fright-free Scooby-Doo episode where Radha Mitchell was chased by Papier Mache Pyramid Head back and forth before being hit with plot 10 minutes before the end credits.
AND THE PLOT WAS EVEN MORE STUPID!
As Rose's daughter was infact a piece of a dead girl killed by a stupid cult who believes that Artistic Skill is the mark of the devil!
So the cult sacrificed her to their god, who was prophesied to return. But even All-destroying Demons have standards and was angered by a child being sacrificed and Ran amuck, turning all the children into monsters and creating Freudian physical representations of fears and flaws. Oh and Sean Bean was also there!
So let's try to make sense of all this. This is Silent Hill revelation. And this is your TICKET TO HELL
We start in a nightmare sequence as a teenage girl is chased by clerics into a disturbing funfair. Between the dying goldfish &; haunted teddies, she hides on a merry-go-round manned by papier Machie Pyramid Head. On the ride that bursts into flames, are 2 Janitors changed like horses and Alessa dressed as the girl. as he sets the 2 pedophiles on fire, she warns her she can't be defeated and not to go to Silent Hill, before turning her flames onto her. She wakes as her Father (Bean) consols her...Only to be stabbed gruesomely by a Janitor!...Only that was a dream too!
Okay 5 minutes in and this is far more scarier than the first film in it's entirety...Good Job!
That morning we are told that Heather (Adelaide Clemens) was Sharon, Rose and Christopher's daughter who was kidnapped in the first film, and the part of Alessa, the sacrificed girl who was separated by the Reaper to live, Christopher, now called Harry have being moving from place to place to avoid the Order.
But what about Rose I hear you ask? From what I could gather from the ending in SH1, is that rose and Sharon escaped Silent hill, returned home but was still trapped in Otherworld. We are told that this is the case, As rose found a seal to escape but it was only small enough for a child.
But despite changing his name, Chris/Harry is still a Dick! Who tells Sharon that her mother died in an accident saving her, despite the girl holding the Missing piece of the seal the entire time, which Harry has kept for save keeping for 7 years where obviously the truth has since come out.
After meeting her class for the 1st time, we also meet Vincent Cooper who has also moved.
THIS'LL END WELL(!)
In the hallway, Heather has a flashback to Alessa's horrible childhood namely all the back-water Hillbilly children accusing her of being a witch...because she can draw well!
And no, I'm not going to get over how fucking stupid that is!
Then Sharon is sent to otherworld where the Armless Man charges but bumping into Vincent brings her back to reality. Heather seems to be followed. At the same time Harry gets kidnapped.
Heather is to meet Harry at a burger pace for her birthday. There is also a children's birthday party for 2 twins called Heather and Alessa...This sends our heroine into another Mushroom samba where all the customers are eating bloody burgers! The Man following her calls her by her birth name and she runs in terror...into Silent Hill's Butcher.
The man is a Private investigator who was hired by the Order but has a change of heart. But he's killed by...Voldo from Soul Caliber? What?
Hours pass and police find the P.I'S Body and Heather's coat, so they believe she is a suspect. She bumps into Vincent on the train home. Vincent tells her about his Crazy grandfather including the famous "they look like monsters to you?" line as a piece of foreshadowing.
Heather and Vincent return to her street where she finds that the Order has kidnapped him. A concerned Vincent heard her scream before he left. So both go through the keepsake box where Heather finds her real birthday present: A Pistol. As well as the seal she held when she escaped 7 years ago. The Police raid the house, but by now the teenagers have left the house on a rescue mission.
Stopping at a seedy motel, Heather has a nightmare of Alessa bringing decay to Silent hill. Vincent tells her not go as it's a trap, but Heather says she is sick of running. And if Alessa truly wanted a piece of her to live, she would have left her alone. Convinced that Heather is pure of heart, Vincent confesses that he is a child of the Order, he escaped by having the seal carved onto his chest by the new Order leader, his mother, Claudia(Carrie-Ann Moss). He was sent to coerce Heather to the order's teachings, but instead wants to help. Before he is kidnapped by Voldo, he states that the other seal belongs to his granddad, the dangerous Leonard Wolfe, and the Order's is to make Alessa and Heather into 1 being again, regain control of the Reaper, break the curse that binds them only to Silent hill and spread their vile doctrine to the world!
So the bad guys actually have a plan. Good Job.
(Meanwhile, 80'S Lad and Joe-Jack was using a rebuild spy-droid that was "acquired" during last years digital uprising)
Didya find an'ting interesting?
DUUUUUDDDDE! THAT IS A BIG TEN-FOUR, Culchie-Dude!
(the screen shows a close-up shot of a Nurse's chest.)
Which button is da close-up?
-don't touch the control!
-Ya Have ya Shite! Gimme that comptrolla!
(The spy droid bumped into the Nurse, who promptly smashed it with her Claw hammer)
NO SIGNAL.
TRANSMISSION ENDED.
RESUMING PROGRAMMING IN 1/5/14
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
THE CRAP FILMS OF DREW BARRYMORE: EAMONN REVIEWS 50 FIRST DATES
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
Nearly 2 years ago, Eamonn embarrassed SatanicOstrich so much he summoned a ringer from an Alternative Universe, Master Control who almost succeeded. This knock to the devil's confidence made him leave his job as king of the underworld...with devastating results! Hell, as well as fiction, is bleeding into reality. On the way to send ostrich back, Eamonn has stopped the express train to hell at a mountain range, Where a mysterious question etched in it, is slowly translating into English.)
( Eamonn looks out the window at the sacred mountain, Monks and devotees who seemingly worship the words, are total disarray many committing suicide as the words didn't mean anything about the meaning of life, It only meant something to Eamonn.)
You knew what the question was didn't you? You planted a portal here to open when someone who had my powers was in your company, didn't you?
So what is the question?
"Say do you know what time it is?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSweDq_x5p8
Yes for the first time in 2 years, It's Happy Hour again! Where we trudge waist-high into everyone's Pill-popping Boozehound back catalogue of cack.
Another actor not having much success at the moment is Adam Sandler, Whose recent films, Jack and Jill and That's My Boy, are considered by many critics to be the worst films of 2012 and 2013.
And while both actors have huge turkeys under their belts, This...is not 1 of them! Okay I will make jokes here and there but nothing extreme like the What montage in Horrid Henry.
We start with a montage of women (And Adam Sandler's Fat Man-Bitch, Kevin James) all telling their collective stories on a holiday romance with Hawaiian commit-phobe, Henry Roth (Sandler), who we cut to telling the latest bit-of-stuff that he's a secret agent.
Henry is in fact a vet at SeaWorld, treating a shark bite on a Hobo played by, you guessed it- Sandler's original Man-Bitch, Rob Schiender, who with his Hawaiian accent and Long hair, has turned into Tommy Wiseau.
After taunting the fact that one day Henry'll Settle down, He's called to save a walrus, but long story short, It an elaborate prank on a co-worker for revenge for an eaten sandwich.
Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen, A womanizer who uses animals to deal revenge for petty grudges that'll only escalate further.
Out Sailing, his ship's mast breaks like a matchstick, so he moors his boat at Oahu, While at a diner to kill time, he's drawn to a girl who seems to draw attention to herself called Lucy (Barrymore)
The next day Henry returns to the diner and chats up the quirky Art teacher. The Diner staff becomes protective of Lucy all of a sudden.
While playing golf with Ula (Schiender), Lucy turns up and blows him, but infact he knocked himself out, His sexy dream is enough to convince him not to return as falling for a local girl will cramp his style, But on a date with a tourist, he can't stop thinking of Lucy.
The Next Day Henry Learns the truth about Lucy: After a Car accident, Lucy is suffering from Short-Term Memory Loss. At the time of the accident, wouldn't It Be Nice? by the Beach Boys was playing on the radio. The song is used to donate plot-points.
So Drew Barrymore wakes up not knowing what happens the night before?
Sometimes you make it too easy!
The entire Island has conspired to Maintain the Lie that it's still October 30th 2001. Despite the fact that living on a Tourism-Dependent island, New Buildings, new people and off-course change in weather, even on Tropical Hawaii, could have raised question. But no, we are made to believe that Her father has a surplus of newspapers of the day of the accident and never once has Lucy ever watched any news programs to confirm the date. What's more heart breaking is having to paint over her artwork that she does in an attempt to cure her, Sadly she paints the same thing so it's not working.
Back in Honolulu, Robbie Wiseau, type-casted as moral less Sleazeball says Henry should go for it with Lucy, since she has a short-term memory, He can live the dream a long term, commitment free relationship. And besides Henry is leaving for Alaska it's not like he'll develop feeling for her(?)
In the next couple of days, Henry tries to re-chat-up Lucy with ridiculous lines but gets shot down every time. Until it works but doesn't give Lucy his number, this upsets Lucy and her family tells him not to go to café ever again.
Instead Henry sees her in a montage of car-stopping scenarios. Until the family finds out and tells him to come to his house.
Rather than Kicking his ass, he shows Henry That Lucy is painting a new picture singing Wouldn't It Be Nice?, so he lets Henry see her, but is not too sure on his full intentions, but if it can get his daughter cured, then why not?
Henry is now let in on the Masquerade, and good thing too, as a cop is writing Lucy a ticket for not having this year's tax. Lucy protests and taking a passerby's Newspaper to confirm the date backfires. At home, Lucy is told everything when given a scrapbook, seeing the metal plate makes her feel it as she cries in pain.
Going to the institute, We have a cameo by Dan Ackroyd as Lucy's Doctor who only serves to introduce 10-second Tom, the living Whose On First? Gag.
Henry proposes to think of another way, and that way is too SHOCK A VUNERABLE WOMAN WITH A GRAPHIC VIDEO OF HER ACCIDENT!!!...then follow it up with Henry wisecracking with Ula in Drag dressed as Lucy.
Somehow it works and it convinces her family to let her live as normal, day-to-day life, as every night they hit it off, and they take it to the next level having sex in the aquarium, As Ula nearly drown to caught a peek.
Of course, this doesn't end well when they stay the night and the next morning she wakes up screaming rape!
After watching the tape, Lucy overhears Henry's plan to go to Alaska. Despite Ula's bumbling, the ship is fixed, but Henry decides that Lucy is more important.
At work, Lucy tells Henry that she is ashamed of holding back a man who will always be a stranger, so he is breaking up with him.
Oh, The Irony Is Delicious!
So Henry sets sail, but not before her father tells Henry that Lucy is now a Patient at the Brain Trauma Centre, Listening to his gift of a beach Boy cd, he realizes that somewhere she may remember him, He finds her completely regressed but making an entire gallery of His portrait, and leaves with him. And so the film ends 10 years later into the future as Lucy wakes on the ship in Alaska, married to Henry with a daughter with her father on his crew.
THIS FILM....Doesn't suck!
Okay the structure of this film is off, no twists or antagonists, but it still works. Hawaii is a great choice as the backdrop, with it's jungles, beaches and Friendly people it makes it look like a Sugar Bowl where nothing bad happens. The Supporting Cast were great, even if they were spearheaded by Man-Bitch, most of funnier lines came from the extras, Sandler didn't rely no much on grossness to get a laugh and Barrymore kept the "quirkiness" to a minimum. Even the Trained animals were cute, showing anyone who read Zookeeper last month, that films with animal actors can work.
In closing, 50 1ST DATES:An enjoyable session of suspened Disbelief.
CREDITS
50 1ST Dates was Reviewed, edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music from:
Happy hour again by the Housemartins
50 1st dates is produced by Columbia pictures.
All Rights Reserved.
Follow me on Twitter @saveusPOE
NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE: THE FINAL CHAPTER OF THE INFERNAL LODGER STORYLINE. BY YOU'VE WORKED OUT WHAT IT IS, BUT IF YOU HAVEN'T CLICK BELOW
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMWrZmD0AN4
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Joe-Jack Reviews Zookeeper
(Since Joe-Jack is reviewing this month, as Poetic License, all spelling mistakes are intentional.)
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
Well, the fact that nothing happened after Eamonn Finished Horrid Henry is a small glimmer of Hope, That by bringing SatanicOstrich Back to hell, it will stop it colliding with Earth. So Eamonn told Joe-jack and 80's Lad to clear a path to the Train station so Ostrich could contact the Conductor so a train to hell could be sent.
....Or, At least that was the plan!)
(We open to Joe-Jack in his house eating breakfast, while outside, Hell has amassed an army.
DUDE! You think we should, like, Help Eamonn?
-FUCK'EM! It'z coz a him, da supportin' wall ov me sit room iz all broke up in shite!(See Hallowe'en special 2013-Eamonn) Besides its not dat bad!
(Eighties lad turned on the tv. A news reported showed Vikings, Huns and Nazis flooding out the Abyss. Death row convicts rising from body bags as demons, Children chasing away one creature only to run the other way, chased by Jimmy Saville!
What else is on?
(80's Lad shot him a look!)
Ah alright, Oi'll review sumpting
AND NOW, DA REAL FILM CRICKET!
(This months theme-From the soundtrack-Boston More than a feeling
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSR6ZzjDZ94
Should tv actahs be fillium actahs? Da short answah is Ya, Coz dere actahs! Dey use the same techneeks and connect wif da same audense.
On Da other hand, Kevin James, aka Adam Sandler's Fat Man-Bitch In ZooKeepah!
We Open on a Sandy beach as a horseback couple ride at sunset. Griffin (James) proposes to his girlfriend, Staphanie splits up with him because he is a zookeeper and dey don't make much money, despite the chain of lavish gifts that back fire.
5 Years Latah, A still Fat, still ugly Griffin, but with a far more flattering haircut, tries to make a gorilla suit happy by fixing a tyre swing but falls on his ass.
PRATFALL COUNTER:1
So Griffin and his new girlfriend save a lioness, choking on a can of Red bull, but not before she reveals to have a job application to go to "Nairobi, Africa"
Hey good ting ya saidz Africa, I thoughtz ya meant da Nairobi down da fecking street, so Oi did!
And not before a pratfall
PRATFALL COUNTER:2
Dat Night it's revealed that Griffins Parents were bought famous and very wealthy zoologists as the Zoo plays host to his brother, Dave, a car salesman, wedding reception. Griffin holdin' a porcupine, Spies his ex-girlfriend, who obviously has heard about Griff's new forturne, Getting flustered, the porcupine shoots it's quills while all around, the animals perk their ears and listen.
When all da humans leave, the animals plot t'help Griffin but agree not reveal dat dey can talk.
Dere plan iz to fake an animal attack on Stephanie, But Griff's Heroic Entry comes up short
PRATFALL COUNTER:3
Angry, the animals break their own oath, revealing they can talk, naturally Griffin puts it down to stress, But when the Lion threatens Him, he runs into an Iron bar.
PRATFALL COUNTER:4
So da animals phottoshopped into a circle (some don't even have shadows to convince us that it's real!) Tell Griffin to win Stephanie back (as animals don't seem to understand human relationships) They will give him relationship advice. The animals in question? Bears, Lions, Wolves, Apes, Elephants and Giraffes)
So Griffy-Boy Will impress Da Ladies by:
Turns out t'be quite tame, first the bears teaches him a confident walk, wif da runnin' joke being gettin' caught by zoo visitahs every tiome!
Bernie Da gorilla tells Griffin dat he is cruelly looked aftah by Shane. But Nevah mind Dat, Letz have a wolf teach Kevin James how to piss! Now you would tink no-one would tak' the advice of Pissing to attract a female, But we see him the next scene, Pissin' in a bush, in a four star hotel no less!
So as he goes up to Stephanie, dis being an Adam Sandler or his Man-bitches rom-com, enter Unlikable Elitist Prick in Gale, a body-obsessed athlete. It's obvious Dat Steph is playin' 1 again' d'other, but Jaysus, Isn't our hero da 1 takin' advice from animals?
So Griff is late for a bike outin'. Da only bike left is a Big-Wheel, So he uses it in an attempt to impress Steph.
I bet dis ends in a prat-fall.
Course I'm right!
PRATFALL COUNTER:5
But Steph, being a 2 timin' whore is back with Gale.
So the Lioness says to make Steph Jealous, go with someone else, So he asks Kate out, It's also the Gorilla's Birthday so Griffin Tak's him out to a Rest-Your-Aunt.
It's da night of da weddin' An' Mister-Know-It-All Gale invites steph to dance to what was Griffs and stephs "our" song. Offended, Griffin ropes kate onto the dance floor, so they do a "curtain dance" with Griffin. Endin' with Griffin swingin' out of control and knocking down his brother's bride
PRATFALL COUNTER: 7
So the animals next plan is have Griff insult and compliment Steph in equal measure. It works, But not before it became obvious that She's after his money and Kate has fallen for Griffin.
So Griffin has sold out, and Became a car salesman, with Steph spending his inheritance left and right. Griff Later has second thoughts and Stands up Steph exactly like she did 5 yar ago. He leaves to confess his love to Kate but she leaves fer Africa tonight.
So Chase scene, Love Confession, Tired Be Yourself Moral and we are Done.
Zookeepah is bad, but compared to what we reviewed dis Year, Not without it's moments. It's a weak premise, that's being done before and whole lot better.
CREDITZ
Zookeepah woz reviewed be JOE-JACK AND ONLY JOE-JACK!
Wif music from
Boston-more dan a feeelin'
Film was made be Columbia Pictures, All rightz reserved so Don't sue me fer saying ya film woz shite!
Follah dat Know-It-all Townie Eamonn on dat Twitbook @saveusPOE
NEXT WEEK: DA CRAP FILLIUMS OV DREW BARRYMORE: 50 FIRST DATES.
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
Well, the fact that nothing happened after Eamonn Finished Horrid Henry is a small glimmer of Hope, That by bringing SatanicOstrich Back to hell, it will stop it colliding with Earth. So Eamonn told Joe-jack and 80's Lad to clear a path to the Train station so Ostrich could contact the Conductor so a train to hell could be sent.
....Or, At least that was the plan!)
(We open to Joe-Jack in his house eating breakfast, while outside, Hell has amassed an army.
DUDE! You think we should, like, Help Eamonn?
-FUCK'EM! It'z coz a him, da supportin' wall ov me sit room iz all broke up in shite!(See Hallowe'en special 2013-Eamonn) Besides its not dat bad!
(Eighties lad turned on the tv. A news reported showed Vikings, Huns and Nazis flooding out the Abyss. Death row convicts rising from body bags as demons, Children chasing away one creature only to run the other way, chased by Jimmy Saville!
What else is on?
(80's Lad shot him a look!)
Ah alright, Oi'll review sumpting
AND NOW, DA REAL FILM CRICKET!
(This months theme-From the soundtrack-Boston More than a feeling
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSR6ZzjDZ94
Should tv actahs be fillium actahs? Da short answah is Ya, Coz dere actahs! Dey use the same techneeks and connect wif da same audense.
On Da other hand, Kevin James, aka Adam Sandler's Fat Man-Bitch In ZooKeepah!
We Open on a Sandy beach as a horseback couple ride at sunset. Griffin (James) proposes to his girlfriend, Staphanie splits up with him because he is a zookeeper and dey don't make much money, despite the chain of lavish gifts that back fire.
5 Years Latah, A still Fat, still ugly Griffin, but with a far more flattering haircut, tries to make a gorilla suit happy by fixing a tyre swing but falls on his ass.
PRATFALL COUNTER:1
So Griffin and his new girlfriend save a lioness, choking on a can of Red bull, but not before she reveals to have a job application to go to "Nairobi, Africa"
Hey good ting ya saidz Africa, I thoughtz ya meant da Nairobi down da fecking street, so Oi did!
And not before a pratfall
PRATFALL COUNTER:2
Dat Night it's revealed that Griffins Parents were bought famous and very wealthy zoologists as the Zoo plays host to his brother, Dave, a car salesman, wedding reception. Griffin holdin' a porcupine, Spies his ex-girlfriend, who obviously has heard about Griff's new forturne, Getting flustered, the porcupine shoots it's quills while all around, the animals perk their ears and listen.
When all da humans leave, the animals plot t'help Griffin but agree not reveal dat dey can talk.
Dere plan iz to fake an animal attack on Stephanie, But Griff's Heroic Entry comes up short
PRATFALL COUNTER:3
Angry, the animals break their own oath, revealing they can talk, naturally Griffin puts it down to stress, But when the Lion threatens Him, he runs into an Iron bar.
PRATFALL COUNTER:4
So da animals phottoshopped into a circle (some don't even have shadows to convince us that it's real!) Tell Griffin to win Stephanie back (as animals don't seem to understand human relationships) They will give him relationship advice. The animals in question? Bears, Lions, Wolves, Apes, Elephants and Giraffes)
So Griffy-Boy Will impress Da Ladies by:
- Wrestlin' Love Rivals (bears)
- Killin' her kids to get her in heat (lions)
- Threaten Love Rivals intah performin' acts of Homosexuality on him. (Apes, especially Chimps)
- And show fitness by pissin' and pooin' in front of her! (Giraffes the former, elephants the latter)
Turns out t'be quite tame, first the bears teaches him a confident walk, wif da runnin' joke being gettin' caught by zoo visitahs every tiome!
Bernie Da gorilla tells Griffin dat he is cruelly looked aftah by Shane. But Nevah mind Dat, Letz have a wolf teach Kevin James how to piss! Now you would tink no-one would tak' the advice of Pissing to attract a female, But we see him the next scene, Pissin' in a bush, in a four star hotel no less!
So as he goes up to Stephanie, dis being an Adam Sandler or his Man-bitches rom-com, enter Unlikable Elitist Prick in Gale, a body-obsessed athlete. It's obvious Dat Steph is playin' 1 again' d'other, but Jaysus, Isn't our hero da 1 takin' advice from animals?
So Griff is late for a bike outin'. Da only bike left is a Big-Wheel, So he uses it in an attempt to impress Steph.
I bet dis ends in a prat-fall.
Course I'm right!
PRATFALL COUNTER:5
But Steph, being a 2 timin' whore is back with Gale.
So the Lioness says to make Steph Jealous, go with someone else, So he asks Kate out, It's also the Gorilla's Birthday so Griffin Tak's him out to a Rest-Your-Aunt.
It's da night of da weddin' An' Mister-Know-It-All Gale invites steph to dance to what was Griffs and stephs "our" song. Offended, Griffin ropes kate onto the dance floor, so they do a "curtain dance" with Griffin. Endin' with Griffin swingin' out of control and knocking down his brother's bride
PRATFALL COUNTER: 7
So the animals next plan is have Griff insult and compliment Steph in equal measure. It works, But not before it became obvious that She's after his money and Kate has fallen for Griffin.
So Griffin has sold out, and Became a car salesman, with Steph spending his inheritance left and right. Griff Later has second thoughts and Stands up Steph exactly like she did 5 yar ago. He leaves to confess his love to Kate but she leaves fer Africa tonight.
So Chase scene, Love Confession, Tired Be Yourself Moral and we are Done.
Zookeepah is bad, but compared to what we reviewed dis Year, Not without it's moments. It's a weak premise, that's being done before and whole lot better.
CREDITZ
Zookeepah woz reviewed be JOE-JACK AND ONLY JOE-JACK!
Wif music from
Boston-more dan a feeelin'
Film was made be Columbia Pictures, All rightz reserved so Don't sue me fer saying ya film woz shite!
Follah dat Know-It-all Townie Eamonn on dat Twitbook @saveusPOE
NEXT WEEK: DA CRAP FILLIUMS OV DREW BARRYMORE: 50 FIRST DATES.
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Eamonn Reviews Horrid Henry Part 2,blood!
(Before I go on, there's a lot of references that lots of Americans and others won't get so here's some notes
So his plan is to pay off the inspectors so Ashton Park can be closed down and people would pay money for his exclusive Institute, Despite the fact he'll only make a small bit of money, as we will get to later. His Plan to get Ashton Park to close? Booby trap the class he doesn't belong in...brilliant!
Turns out to be a Batman Gambit, with Headmistress Oddbod busy and Soggy Sid, the P.E. Teacher, not being an actual teacher (you're not P.E. Teachers of the world, get over it!), The only other teacher is this giant shed with windows called ashton Park is the kindergarten teacher miss Lovely. so the older children must sit with boys who might as well be the children who failed the audition for the part of Perfect peter. The Inspectors Plant a pot of goo in Henry's Bag. when Henry and Margaret tussle over the bag because... why not? they need to move the story along, the Jar flies out, unscrews it's lid. and it the time it took for anyone with common sense to get out of the way, it lands on the hapless teacher.
Upset, Lovely quits her job. And rather than say expelling the suspected little shit, Oddbod Bans Harry Chav and the Chavtones from the Battle Of the bands.
And it doesn't end. The torture that is. As we are introduced to more of Henry's extended family, Rich Aunt Rita, Her daughter Prissy Polly (Played by Kimberly Walsh), her baby daughter Vomiting Vera and Rita's son, Stuck-up Stephen.
But Listening to his voice, he should be called Camp Cameron or Takesitupthe Jacksie! The ponce takes over the TV, As Henry is not let to watch a PLOT POINT! game show in favour of a Stock Market show for kids.
OKAY TIME OUT!
I Know this is not based on reality, but what is the point of having this? Are you making a point that some children grow up too soon? Are you saying that Upper class children are weaned to be successful at a young age? Or Am I right in saying you just did this to make another unlikable character? The only character that is likable so-far is Miss Battleaxe and she was wrongly fired for trying doing her job!
After Dad eats a vommed on sandwich, Rita tells Mum that Brick House, The Evil Expensive School Of Evil, has an Open day and free scholarship for Ashton's Brightest, athletic or musically gifted children.
Well Henry is fucked.
Or need I remind you of his "singing"
Next scene and Dad gets a phone call from his Great Aunt Gretta, who's convinced Henry is a girl, has solved his schooling problem:
ENROLL "HENRIETTA" INTO AN ALL GIRL SCHOOL!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bzB2N9xnJk
Do you honestly not live in the real world, Francesca Simon? I think the school would have sent a representative to their home address to get their details, not only where they live, but as a background check of the new student, And that means that Van Wrinkles' plan to monopolises the entire school system in Ashton, has already failed as St Giddiantus is a more reputable school, is also in town, Why didn't he destroy the reputation of this school and get the money from the parents of these Posh children and solely start on the 2-room shed full of Chavs and Ill Children?
THAT'S IT I'M HAVING A BREAKDOWN!
CUE THE BREAKDOWN NATIONAL ANTHEM!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btEpF334Rtc
So without even consoling a single teacher, staff member, or reasonable adult, An abandoned Henry and Margaret are chased out of GiddiAuntus, but not before Henry hallucinates a silhouette of Battleaxe who chastises him for being an idiot!
Yeah, Henry, you should stop usin' dat M-CAT, INNIT?
To escape, Margaret dresses Henry in a pinafore and a stack of coats and hats.
PLOT POINT!
After Henry escapes the only place with people with accents posher than his, Peter arrives at Brick House and is happy to see Ms Lovely is the newly appointed Junior Teacher, whom Peter fancies.
NERD!
At the open day steve introduces Britain's got Talent Rejects to shave worthless screen-time as a boy does soccor skills. And Peter sings Frere Jacques in a Country Western Style. The more impatient of you would ask "why are you telling me this?", It's a distraction while Lovely investigates why she saw the inspectors. Van Wrinkle finds Lovely and Kidnaps her
So the Purple Hand (Rared)s Try to think of a plan (Yeah, play to your strengths!)
In the end they decide to get back into the talent contest to win the money to save the school. (Again play to your strengths)
So using the Giddiantus coats and hats that Margaret stole, Harry Chav and Chavtones win the talent show (how?) to no avail, Ashton Park is still closing down.
If only there was a hastily written, badly paced finale, that tries to use long forgotten plot-points to resolve the story!
How about being invited to a Game show Hosted by Prick and Gom? As the Real life children's tv hosts Rub and Gyrate on each other and calls each other "dearie" and "Duckie" (Plus I find it ironic that film based on a CITV cartoon has CBBC Presenters in it.)
So let's finish this once and for all!
Henry solves Maths problems, has his hamster eat a bowl of vegetable stew, Peter and his best boys are captured by Van Wrinkle, Henry uses his Magnetic yoyo to escape Asylumesque CGI Vomit, Finally spells Homework in front of Battle-Axe, Lovely tricks Vic into confessing into a mobile, Henry wins the cash prize, Battleaxe reveals she won the gameshow also (as evidenced by the broach she picked up earlier.) But with Ashton Park saved, Henry has only 1 thing he wants to use the money on, as the credits reveals he has emancipated from his parents to live in a mansion.
So he's rich and stupid, except with his 4th class education, FAR much smarter than any of the KarTRASHians!
THIS FILM SUCKS!
So the Horrid Henry books may have sold as many as Potter, but don't expect 9 sequels! An Audience demeaning script, coupled with a universe with no nods to reality, Terrible Acting, Worse Singing, Hateable characters, especially the adults. I was shocked that Lotto Money went into paying for this Bank Holiday Bull Plop! Money, that could have being used to save some one's life! Instead used on a child in a curly wig singing Frere Jacques in a country western style!
In Short: Horrid Henry: IT'S SHITE!
PURE 100% UNMITIGATED SHITE!
CREDITS
Horrid Henry: the Movie was Reviewed, edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With clips from:
In Part 1
Horrid Henry
and in Part 2
WWE RAW
WWE SMACKDOWN
And Music
"Combine Harvester" by the Wurzels
Horrid Henry is property of Novelle Entertainment
All clips belong to their respective owners.
All Rights Reserved.
Follow me on twitter @saveusPOE
NEXT MONTH: ZOOKEEPER
- St Giddiantus is a Corruption to the exclamation "oh, my giddy aunt". I use a similar word. "FUCK!"
- 2 cool 4 School is probably a reference to Knightmare, which is why a super-hard children's game show is not surprising. but no-one is stupid enough to give children cash money, the actual prize on Knightmare was a silver ornament.
- Prick N' Gom is my name for Dick and Dom. Richard McCourt and Dominic Wood are Britain's second best Double act. They're the guys you get if you can't afford Ant N' Dec, but don't wan't to cheapen values by getting Sam and Mark. They are so camp towards each other, and keep their personal lives to themselves, which is fine, but it hasn't stop slashficcers!
- A Gom is yet another Irish word for an idiot! Eskimos have 50 words for snow, we have that many for an idiot!)
So his plan is to pay off the inspectors so Ashton Park can be closed down and people would pay money for his exclusive Institute, Despite the fact he'll only make a small bit of money, as we will get to later. His Plan to get Ashton Park to close? Booby trap the class he doesn't belong in...brilliant!
Turns out to be a Batman Gambit, with Headmistress Oddbod busy and Soggy Sid, the P.E. Teacher, not being an actual teacher (you're not P.E. Teachers of the world, get over it!), The only other teacher is this giant shed with windows called ashton Park is the kindergarten teacher miss Lovely. so the older children must sit with boys who might as well be the children who failed the audition for the part of Perfect peter. The Inspectors Plant a pot of goo in Henry's Bag. when Henry and Margaret tussle over the bag because... why not? they need to move the story along, the Jar flies out, unscrews it's lid. and it the time it took for anyone with common sense to get out of the way, it lands on the hapless teacher.
Upset, Lovely quits her job. And rather than say expelling the suspected little shit, Oddbod Bans Harry Chav and the Chavtones from the Battle Of the bands.
And it doesn't end. The torture that is. As we are introduced to more of Henry's extended family, Rich Aunt Rita, Her daughter Prissy Polly (Played by Kimberly Walsh), her baby daughter Vomiting Vera and Rita's son, Stuck-up Stephen.
But Listening to his voice, he should be called Camp Cameron or Takesitupthe Jacksie! The ponce takes over the TV, As Henry is not let to watch a PLOT POINT! game show in favour of a Stock Market show for kids.
OKAY TIME OUT!
I Know this is not based on reality, but what is the point of having this? Are you making a point that some children grow up too soon? Are you saying that Upper class children are weaned to be successful at a young age? Or Am I right in saying you just did this to make another unlikable character? The only character that is likable so-far is Miss Battleaxe and she was wrongly fired for trying doing her job!
After Dad eats a vommed on sandwich, Rita tells Mum that Brick House, The Evil Expensive School Of Evil, has an Open day and free scholarship for Ashton's Brightest, athletic or musically gifted children.
Well Henry is fucked.
Or need I remind you of his "singing"
Next scene and Dad gets a phone call from his Great Aunt Gretta, who's convinced Henry is a girl, has solved his schooling problem:
ENROLL "HENRIETTA" INTO AN ALL GIRL SCHOOL!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bzB2N9xnJk
Do you honestly not live in the real world, Francesca Simon? I think the school would have sent a representative to their home address to get their details, not only where they live, but as a background check of the new student, And that means that Van Wrinkles' plan to monopolises the entire school system in Ashton, has already failed as St Giddiantus is a more reputable school, is also in town, Why didn't he destroy the reputation of this school and get the money from the parents of these Posh children and solely start on the 2-room shed full of Chavs and Ill Children?
THAT'S IT I'M HAVING A BREAKDOWN!
CUE THE BREAKDOWN NATIONAL ANTHEM!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btEpF334Rtc
So without even consoling a single teacher, staff member, or reasonable adult, An abandoned Henry and Margaret are chased out of GiddiAuntus, but not before Henry hallucinates a silhouette of Battleaxe who chastises him for being an idiot!
Yeah, Henry, you should stop usin' dat M-CAT, INNIT?
To escape, Margaret dresses Henry in a pinafore and a stack of coats and hats.
PLOT POINT!
After Henry escapes the only place with people with accents posher than his, Peter arrives at Brick House and is happy to see Ms Lovely is the newly appointed Junior Teacher, whom Peter fancies.
NERD!
At the open day steve introduces Britain's got Talent Rejects to shave worthless screen-time as a boy does soccor skills. And Peter sings Frere Jacques in a Country Western Style. The more impatient of you would ask "why are you telling me this?", It's a distraction while Lovely investigates why she saw the inspectors. Van Wrinkle finds Lovely and Kidnaps her
So the Purple Hand (Rared)s Try to think of a plan (Yeah, play to your strengths!)
In the end they decide to get back into the talent contest to win the money to save the school. (Again play to your strengths)
So using the Giddiantus coats and hats that Margaret stole, Harry Chav and Chavtones win the talent show (how?) to no avail, Ashton Park is still closing down.
If only there was a hastily written, badly paced finale, that tries to use long forgotten plot-points to resolve the story!
How about being invited to a Game show Hosted by Prick and Gom? As the Real life children's tv hosts Rub and Gyrate on each other and calls each other "dearie" and "Duckie" (Plus I find it ironic that film based on a CITV cartoon has CBBC Presenters in it.)
So let's finish this once and for all!
Henry solves Maths problems, has his hamster eat a bowl of vegetable stew, Peter and his best boys are captured by Van Wrinkle, Henry uses his Magnetic yoyo to escape Asylumesque CGI Vomit, Finally spells Homework in front of Battle-Axe, Lovely tricks Vic into confessing into a mobile, Henry wins the cash prize, Battleaxe reveals she won the gameshow also (as evidenced by the broach she picked up earlier.) But with Ashton Park saved, Henry has only 1 thing he wants to use the money on, as the credits reveals he has emancipated from his parents to live in a mansion.
So he's rich and stupid, except with his 4th class education, FAR much smarter than any of the KarTRASHians!
THIS FILM SUCKS!
So the Horrid Henry books may have sold as many as Potter, but don't expect 9 sequels! An Audience demeaning script, coupled with a universe with no nods to reality, Terrible Acting, Worse Singing, Hateable characters, especially the adults. I was shocked that Lotto Money went into paying for this Bank Holiday Bull Plop! Money, that could have being used to save some one's life! Instead used on a child in a curly wig singing Frere Jacques in a country western style!
In Short: Horrid Henry: IT'S SHITE!
PURE 100% UNMITIGATED SHITE!
CREDITS
Horrid Henry: the Movie was Reviewed, edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With clips from:
In Part 1
Horrid Henry
and in Part 2
WWE RAW
WWE SMACKDOWN
And Music
"Combine Harvester" by the Wurzels
Horrid Henry is property of Novelle Entertainment
All clips belong to their respective owners.
All Rights Reserved.
Follow me on twitter @saveusPOE
NEXT MONTH: ZOOKEEPER
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Eamonn reviews Horrid Henry Part 1, Innit?
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
Unfortunately for the Human Race, Last months review of Norbit only serve to Strengthen The SatanicEamonn, Born out of then scrap of Satanic Power in his fist, But just as it seemed like all was lost, Joe-jack produced the Power Diamonds (See Magic Roundabout review, March 2013-Editor) out of storage. The 3 gemstones that boast unfathomable capabilities, Excorised the Satanic out of Eamonn, but the cunning creature teleported into a Dvd. Freed form this Malefice, but with Diminished powers, Eamonn concluded with Joe-Jack and 80's Lad that SatanicOstrich must return to his thankless job as Lord of the dahmed,)
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
(SIGH)
Well, if you thought that I should Affirm cause and effect by reviewing something good and stop the Earth colliding with Hell, I hate to disappoint but here's a review of film I mentioned in my Thunderpants review as being shite.
But before I go on, I am Aware that more International readers are turning up since I joined TGWTG, So some British things will be completely lost in translation. I'll be doing this for part 2, when Plot-points like this turn up there.
First some background on the source material.
Despite not as famous as Potter worldwide, The Horrid Henry Books had made their author Francesca Simon the second richest children's Writer in Britain today...
...Because her books are Dirt cheap!
Horrid Henry books are not sold in bookshops in town centres, they are sold in supermarkets, grocers and newsagents and petrol stations. The only people buying Horrid Henry books are Chav parents who throw this pulp fiction at their kids when they are failing badly at the school.
But What about the books themselves what are they like, Well I can only describe them as "Just William for the Modern Age...If William happens to be 1 of those kids on Beyond Scared Straight!
But enough Stalling, Let's Dig into a Waste of the British Lottery's Prize Money and mourn the corrupted minds of youth, This is Horrid Henry, innit?
We start in An Imagination Spot as the eponymous Henry (Theo Stephenson) is spying on the girl's Club members, Singing Soraya, Sour Susan and Moody Margaret.
I must Point out that every character here shares Alliteration made of character Trait/Flaw + Middle class Name. so Henry uses his magnetic Yoyo to steal a box of Hobblers biscuits. As he starts to enjoy his mother shout at him to do his homework, Nice convincing wig by the way(!)
So Henry and his annoying RP voice, Just the accent you'd expect from the saviour of Literacy(!) introduces us to his homelife, His Classically trained musician brother Perfect Peter, the apple of his useless Blame-shifting parents eyes. But Henry has dreams of Musical Grandeur Too. He dreams of becoming a rockstar, by bursting into a Middle Class Rap!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWfHmYBKCdY
FAST FORWARD BUTTON!
After his parents destroy his homework copy, Henry introduces us to friends, the equally chavvy Rude Ralph, the OCD-laden Aerobic Al, the uninspired name of Brainy Brian and the school idiot (which is really saying much, you'll know why In a minute!) Beefy Bert.
Beefy!
BERT!
I suppose Retarded Reginald would cut to close to the knuckle.
...Together with the Bi-polar Weepin' William they are the dreaded ...Purple Hand Gang.
(sniggers, then Bursts out laughing!)
Seriously Miz Simon, could you not think of a better name? All I can say is that the Ginyu Force, The teletubbies, Barney's Backyard Gang and even Binky Barnes could kick these guys asses!
So Henry gets detention for having no homework and for writing a fake excuse note. Ms Battleaxe, (Played by Angie Houston) makes Henry spell the word "work" out loud. When he gets it wrong, she gives him a Reason You Suck Speech about never doing any work, which is to why he can't spell it!
(sigh...0
I know your Heart is in the right place, Miss Battleaxe, but giving that these and including the younger children in Peter's class are the only children in this school, makes me think that this is, infact, 1 of those horrible Thachterite Free Schools I heard so much about. And besides, your class only intelligent student is hanging with 4 criminally able children, a retard, a boy with OCD, A girl who uncontrollably sings, a bipolar boy and a FRIKKING Narcoleptic, lovingly called "Lazy Linda". I think one of your students not being able to spell is the least of your problems!
And I'm Right! The headmistress Miss Oddbod (what horrible names-oh and played by Prunella Scales) tells Ms Battleaxe that the School Inspectors are visiting.
FORESHADOWING!
So after a cameo from Jo Brand, A poster in Oddbod's Office tell us that a battle of the bands is being held by Rock Wild Child (or "wild" in terms of this film, as All the music sound like McBusted!) Ed Banger, lead singer of Killer Boy Ratz (Played by Noel Fielding) on the exact day the inspectors come to visit.
I smell shenanigans! I also smell something else!
So Henry wants to enter his Autistic Spectrum Gang into the Talent Competition and Joy of Joys, I have to listen to Shephanson sing again!
So after a crappy song and defying the law of gravity for a matrix Pose, Oddbod gives him a telling off.
Speaking of Defying the Laws of Physics, after school Margaret and Henry ambush each other with Cartoon Physics, Disappearing behind lampposts and delaying drop rates and the like. This is why I called them,Ralph and Susan, "criminally able" as if they were smarter those powers would be put to murderous use!
It's also revealed that the little chavling has a pet...hamster.
Not a Staffy. or a pitbull. or even a parrot that says FUCK OFF! on command, no, a hamster which is good to know as it's a PLOT POINT!
After a song about being King, Perfect Peter narks on his brother.
AND THEN!
THIS HAPPENS!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I57SHJK1qNM
"Help me! I'm being attacked by things out of Jimmy's Head!"
The Next Day Margaret plans her revenge by using the tried and Failed bucket Prank. After miss battleaxe enters first as Henry was late, the Paint fell on her. Naturally the Fault shifts onto Henry who clearly must have feigned being drove by his dad and set up a trap that would not be tampered by any janitor or cleaning staff in the 8 hours that the school was closed. Did the creators actually go to a working class school or are the as stupid as the parents who buy the children the source material?
So Oddbod fires Battleaxe and for the first time in the 4 and a half pages of notes that made this review, Henry has a twinge of guilt. Opening a drawer, A broach picked up by Battleaxe makes her draw a Crafty smile.
The firing of Miss battleaxe is enough to be pit on the news and also introduces rival headmaster Vic Van Wrinkle (Richard E Grant)
Richard E grant is in this film, Do I have to tell you that this wonderful Ham is the Villain?
END OF PART 1.
What Evil plan does van wrinkle have for henry? what was the broach battleaxe picked up? And will the world actually end if Eamonn finishs this review? find out in part 2 in February. Only on bogger box office!
Unfortunately for the Human Race, Last months review of Norbit only serve to Strengthen The SatanicEamonn, Born out of then scrap of Satanic Power in his fist, But just as it seemed like all was lost, Joe-jack produced the Power Diamonds (See Magic Roundabout review, March 2013-Editor) out of storage. The 3 gemstones that boast unfathomable capabilities, Excorised the Satanic out of Eamonn, but the cunning creature teleported into a Dvd. Freed form this Malefice, but with Diminished powers, Eamonn concluded with Joe-Jack and 80's Lad that SatanicOstrich must return to his thankless job as Lord of the dahmed,)
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
(SIGH)
Well, if you thought that I should Affirm cause and effect by reviewing something good and stop the Earth colliding with Hell, I hate to disappoint but here's a review of film I mentioned in my Thunderpants review as being shite.
But before I go on, I am Aware that more International readers are turning up since I joined TGWTG, So some British things will be completely lost in translation. I'll be doing this for part 2, when Plot-points like this turn up there.
- A chav is a slang word for a youth or teenage criminal or at least an undesirable. In British Film they are satirically dressed in tracksuits, High end Runners, Gold Jewellery and will probably wear 1 garment that has the Burberry tartan.
- RP (Received Pronunciation) is the accent many think of when they think of English. it's also known as Queen's English, That posh accent to many people.
- Hobblers may refer to Hob-Nobs, a brand of oat biscuits. They never came In metal tins, however!
- The Conservative Party's Free school scheme came into scrutiny at time of writing, when it was revealed that the students of 1 school was not reaching the standard. But that's what happens when you hire Adults with free time, instead of actual teachers! 1 school was even ran by a Defrocked Priest, An Army Recruiter, A cult and the school lab was used in making meth!
- A"Staffy" is short for Staffordshire Terrier, the long forgotten breed became a stature piece in Chav Culture.
First some background on the source material.
Despite not as famous as Potter worldwide, The Horrid Henry Books had made their author Francesca Simon the second richest children's Writer in Britain today...
...Because her books are Dirt cheap!
Horrid Henry books are not sold in bookshops in town centres, they are sold in supermarkets, grocers and newsagents and petrol stations. The only people buying Horrid Henry books are Chav parents who throw this pulp fiction at their kids when they are failing badly at the school.
But What about the books themselves what are they like, Well I can only describe them as "Just William for the Modern Age...If William happens to be 1 of those kids on Beyond Scared Straight!
But enough Stalling, Let's Dig into a Waste of the British Lottery's Prize Money and mourn the corrupted minds of youth, This is Horrid Henry, innit?
We start in An Imagination Spot as the eponymous Henry (Theo Stephenson) is spying on the girl's Club members, Singing Soraya, Sour Susan and Moody Margaret.
I must Point out that every character here shares Alliteration made of character Trait/Flaw + Middle class Name. so Henry uses his magnetic Yoyo to steal a box of Hobblers biscuits. As he starts to enjoy his mother shout at him to do his homework, Nice convincing wig by the way(!)
So Henry and his annoying RP voice, Just the accent you'd expect from the saviour of Literacy(!) introduces us to his homelife, His Classically trained musician brother Perfect Peter, the apple of his useless Blame-shifting parents eyes. But Henry has dreams of Musical Grandeur Too. He dreams of becoming a rockstar, by bursting into a Middle Class Rap!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWfHmYBKCdY
FAST FORWARD BUTTON!
After his parents destroy his homework copy, Henry introduces us to friends, the equally chavvy Rude Ralph, the OCD-laden Aerobic Al, the uninspired name of Brainy Brian and the school idiot (which is really saying much, you'll know why In a minute!) Beefy Bert.
Beefy!
BERT!
I suppose Retarded Reginald would cut to close to the knuckle.
...Together with the Bi-polar Weepin' William they are the dreaded ...Purple Hand Gang.
(sniggers, then Bursts out laughing!)
Seriously Miz Simon, could you not think of a better name? All I can say is that the Ginyu Force, The teletubbies, Barney's Backyard Gang and even Binky Barnes could kick these guys asses!
So Henry gets detention for having no homework and for writing a fake excuse note. Ms Battleaxe, (Played by Angie Houston) makes Henry spell the word "work" out loud. When he gets it wrong, she gives him a Reason You Suck Speech about never doing any work, which is to why he can't spell it!
(sigh...0
I know your Heart is in the right place, Miss Battleaxe, but giving that these and including the younger children in Peter's class are the only children in this school, makes me think that this is, infact, 1 of those horrible Thachterite Free Schools I heard so much about. And besides, your class only intelligent student is hanging with 4 criminally able children, a retard, a boy with OCD, A girl who uncontrollably sings, a bipolar boy and a FRIKKING Narcoleptic, lovingly called "Lazy Linda". I think one of your students not being able to spell is the least of your problems!
And I'm Right! The headmistress Miss Oddbod (what horrible names-oh and played by Prunella Scales) tells Ms Battleaxe that the School Inspectors are visiting.
FORESHADOWING!
So after a cameo from Jo Brand, A poster in Oddbod's Office tell us that a battle of the bands is being held by Rock Wild Child (or "wild" in terms of this film, as All the music sound like McBusted!) Ed Banger, lead singer of Killer Boy Ratz (Played by Noel Fielding) on the exact day the inspectors come to visit.
I smell shenanigans! I also smell something else!
So Henry wants to enter his Autistic Spectrum Gang into the Talent Competition and Joy of Joys, I have to listen to Shephanson sing again!
So after a crappy song and defying the law of gravity for a matrix Pose, Oddbod gives him a telling off.
Speaking of Defying the Laws of Physics, after school Margaret and Henry ambush each other with Cartoon Physics, Disappearing behind lampposts and delaying drop rates and the like. This is why I called them,Ralph and Susan, "criminally able" as if they were smarter those powers would be put to murderous use!
It's also revealed that the little chavling has a pet...hamster.
Not a Staffy. or a pitbull. or even a parrot that says FUCK OFF! on command, no, a hamster which is good to know as it's a PLOT POINT!
After a song about being King, Perfect Peter narks on his brother.
AND THEN!
THIS HAPPENS!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I57SHJK1qNM
"Help me! I'm being attacked by things out of Jimmy's Head!"
The Next Day Margaret plans her revenge by using the tried and Failed bucket Prank. After miss battleaxe enters first as Henry was late, the Paint fell on her. Naturally the Fault shifts onto Henry who clearly must have feigned being drove by his dad and set up a trap that would not be tampered by any janitor or cleaning staff in the 8 hours that the school was closed. Did the creators actually go to a working class school or are the as stupid as the parents who buy the children the source material?
So Oddbod fires Battleaxe and for the first time in the 4 and a half pages of notes that made this review, Henry has a twinge of guilt. Opening a drawer, A broach picked up by Battleaxe makes her draw a Crafty smile.
The firing of Miss battleaxe is enough to be pit on the news and also introduces rival headmaster Vic Van Wrinkle (Richard E Grant)
Richard E grant is in this film, Do I have to tell you that this wonderful Ham is the Villain?
END OF PART 1.
What Evil plan does van wrinkle have for henry? what was the broach battleaxe picked up? And will the world actually end if Eamonn finishs this review? find out in part 2 in February. Only on bogger box office!
Friday, November 1, 2013
Eamonn reviews MacGruber
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
Infected by the evil of D.Y.H.A.T.M? Eamonn went insane with SatanicPower, Given that SatanicOstrich has left hell months ago, To shorten the time to the next TICKET TO HELL event, SatanicEamonn Destroyed the Multiverse Switchyard, Weakening the walls of the Mulitiverse, In short fiction is bleeding into reality, With the task completed, Eamonn turned back to normal)
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION)
Theme of the Month-from the soundtrack
Gerry Rafterty Baker's street
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7--mbE05A4I
Most Americans reading this would probably go up in Arms to why a film based on a sketch from America's biggest show, Saturday Night Live, would appear here on BBO, Ireland and the world's home for text reviews of Terrible Films?
I Answered my Own Question.
SNL Is AMERICA'S Biggest show, It's only shown in America, So when SNL, National Lampoon, and Kids In the Hall release a film into Europe, it's only through the goodwill of Cinema Patrons wheter that film is a hit or not.
And Believe me, Macgruber is no Wayne's World! It maybe Wayne's World 2, but it's no Wayne's World.
For those who never watch SNL, heard of it or Seen it parodied on every single WB cartoon since the 90's, I'll give you the skinny.
Macgruber is a 5 minute sketch based on 80's series, MacGyver. The sketch consists of Macgruber (played by Will Forte) trying to defuse a bomb only to get distracted and get blown up. It's one trick pony some how became an ad for Pepsi and then, this a 90 minute film.
So it's a film,
based on an ad,
Based on a 5 minute sketch,
Based on a parody,
Based on a 80's tv show?
Not since they made Rowan Atkinson's Barlaycard ads into Johnny English have I soiled myself in terror!
So let's blow the lid off the lid, peer inside and try not to inhale the fumes, this is MacGruber.
You'd be Mistaken, like I was, when I Saw the opening scene A Russian unit is killed by terrorists who steal a missle, Taking no prisioners. the Terrorists, led by Val Kilmer, even disptches a lone Survivor with a Bond one-liner.
Until the Opening credits show the Title charecter in stupid situations as expositary Lyrics play out. A secret file shows the blacklisted inventor's follies , as great as he is, he's also a major fuck-up.
We Cut to Ecudor, where Lt. Dixon Piper (Ryan Phillippe) and General. Faith are searching for Mac, now a monk living with the natives, only much like ace Ventura 2, they want to get rid of him!
The General tells Mac that his arch-nemesis Dieter von Cunte (Kilmer) (yes really! Forte must follow the George Lucus School of Terrible Villian Names) has stolen the warheads. Enraged, Mac still refuses to help.
That night Mac dreams of the day Cunte killed his bride to be. This convinces Mac to join the search for Cunte, but has issues with the rookie Piper so he reforms his old posse made up of wwe wrestlers Chris Jericho, Mark Hungry, The Great Krappi, Kane the immobile slab of Meat, Big slow and former wwe wrestler Mvp. he also finds Vicki St Elmo. (Kristen Wiig) who refuses. After telling us the van over his shoulder has the wrestlers and Homemade c4. It blows up on cue, killing his posse and making the wrestlers cameos, pointless.
In fact MacGruber had more screen time on wwe promoting his film than the wrestlers had in this film. Jericho had 3 lines everyone else had 1 line and Big show didn't even speak.
Or maybe Jericho got payed in advance and fucked off to play in his 3rd rate rock band!
Without a team, Mac is off the case, after bribing Piper to let him sodomise him, Piper joins him and Vicki has a change of heart.
We cut to Las vegas, as the search for Von Cunte starts in a casino he usually haunts. He does this blowing his cover and the entire mission. But no-one takes him seriously, but the security tells Cunte anyway.
Back to our Heroes, Mac has the inspiredly stupid plan of Dressing vicki as him. In the hopes that the criminals would be stupid enough not to just shoot their target on sight. But since this is a parody with Genre savvy villians and genre blind heroes, they attack the van with the MCGRBR Vanity plates.
After Killing the henchman with his van, Piper and Vicki find clues that lead the team to an abandoned railroad. After distacting the guards by Dancing Naked with Celery up his ass. (Seriously, Movie, I need to bleach my eyes!) Vicky dressed as a BEARDED! henchman gets shot at, surprisingly. The villians escape with missles launch codes as Mac's Homemade tennisball grenades are just tennisballs. Just as Mac fucks up tracing a call, Col. Faith provides intel on A V.I.P. party Von Cunte is throwing.
We cut to Salt Lake City, where Mac and Vicki crash Von Cunte's Party, with both being wired to Dixon. After Arguing about a passing comment about a guest being handsome, an angry Mac finds Cunte playing Poker. After insults and telling the nice villian who's on his team, Vicky spies a senator getting bribed.
Returning to D.C., Col. Faith takes Mac off the case. He reveals to Dixon why Cunte killed his wife. appartently he stole her from him.
Okay, standard fare. Nothing bad
.....Until he says he stole her, while she was pregnant with Dieter's baby and told her to abort it, and when she refused...Well, I dare go on, but the term "D.I.Y Job" was used!
Movie, you done crossed the line!
The heroes are ambushed and Mac uses Piper as a Human Shield, Despite him wearing Kevlar, He doesn't apprieciate Mac's Cowardice. When performing first aid, Vicky confesses her love and makes love with Mac. Heeerrresss Will forte's ass on your screen again!
Ashamed, Mac goes to his wife's grave. he is visited by his wive's ghost. he then Proceeds to...fuck the ghost, Giving us another screenfull of pasty ass!
He deduces post supernatural Coitus, that Cunte will nuke the State of the Union Address, Just as the crooked senator kills Col. Faith.
Mac returns to Vicky's, Only to find she's being kipnapped. Arming himself with the contents of a sewing box and a Celery up his ass, he apoligizes to piper.
So let's end this! The others go to rescue Vicki, But she frees herself, Cunte captures Mac to frame him for the attack, Cunte cuts Mac's Mullet, turns him apeshit, Piper sticks celery up his ass, Vicki knows Kung Fu, Cunte gets blown, only for Mac to finish the job at Vicki's and his wedding, but not before pissing and shitting on his skeletonised remains! Because that's what a likable hero does!
THIS FILM BIG TIME SUCKS!
Did i need to see Will Forte's ass every 5 minutes? I know, that's an abrupt way to start a paragraph, but if Forte thought people wanted to see him as a stupid, homophobic,xenophonic,ill-mannered,Morally bankrupt 'Murican, He was surely Mistaken. Once again, Wiig is in a film where her talents are wasted, (Ditto Phillippe). When did Val Kilmer get fat? he looks terrible, he looks like former Nfl player turned wrestler Steve "mongo" McMichael!
While many films have socially awkward heroes, usually their mixture of determined spirit and endearing charm, wins the day and usually the girl. But MacGruber is neither Mr. Bean or Ali G or Happy Singh (How's that for an obscure Film reference?). Here we have a charecter from 5 minute shorts. And much like caffiene, sugar and fat, a little MacGruber is all people can tolerate!
CREDITS
MacGruber was reviewed, Edited, and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music:
Baker's Street by Gerry Rafterty
MacGruber is Distrubuted by Universal
All Rights Reserved.
Follow me on twitter @saveusPOE
Next month: CHRISTMAS SPECIAL Bionicle Mask ofSHITE! Light
Infected by the evil of D.Y.H.A.T.M? Eamonn went insane with SatanicPower, Given that SatanicOstrich has left hell months ago, To shorten the time to the next TICKET TO HELL event, SatanicEamonn Destroyed the Multiverse Switchyard, Weakening the walls of the Mulitiverse, In short fiction is bleeding into reality, With the task completed, Eamonn turned back to normal)
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION)
Theme of the Month-from the soundtrack
Gerry Rafterty Baker's street
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7--mbE05A4I
Most Americans reading this would probably go up in Arms to why a film based on a sketch from America's biggest show, Saturday Night Live, would appear here on BBO, Ireland and the world's home for text reviews of Terrible Films?
I Answered my Own Question.
SNL Is AMERICA'S Biggest show, It's only shown in America, So when SNL, National Lampoon, and Kids In the Hall release a film into Europe, it's only through the goodwill of Cinema Patrons wheter that film is a hit or not.
And Believe me, Macgruber is no Wayne's World! It maybe Wayne's World 2, but it's no Wayne's World.
For those who never watch SNL, heard of it or Seen it parodied on every single WB cartoon since the 90's, I'll give you the skinny.
Macgruber is a 5 minute sketch based on 80's series, MacGyver. The sketch consists of Macgruber (played by Will Forte) trying to defuse a bomb only to get distracted and get blown up. It's one trick pony some how became an ad for Pepsi and then, this a 90 minute film.
So it's a film,
based on an ad,
Based on a 5 minute sketch,
Based on a parody,
Based on a 80's tv show?
Not since they made Rowan Atkinson's Barlaycard ads into Johnny English have I soiled myself in terror!
So let's blow the lid off the lid, peer inside and try not to inhale the fumes, this is MacGruber.
You'd be Mistaken, like I was, when I Saw the opening scene A Russian unit is killed by terrorists who steal a missle, Taking no prisioners. the Terrorists, led by Val Kilmer, even disptches a lone Survivor with a Bond one-liner.
Until the Opening credits show the Title charecter in stupid situations as expositary Lyrics play out. A secret file shows the blacklisted inventor's follies , as great as he is, he's also a major fuck-up.
We Cut to Ecudor, where Lt. Dixon Piper (Ryan Phillippe) and General. Faith are searching for Mac, now a monk living with the natives, only much like ace Ventura 2, they want to get rid of him!
The General tells Mac that his arch-nemesis Dieter von Cunte (Kilmer) (yes really! Forte must follow the George Lucus School of Terrible Villian Names) has stolen the warheads. Enraged, Mac still refuses to help.
That night Mac dreams of the day Cunte killed his bride to be. This convinces Mac to join the search for Cunte, but has issues with the rookie Piper so he reforms his old posse made up of wwe wrestlers Chris Jericho, Mark Hungry, The Great Krappi, Kane the immobile slab of Meat, Big slow and former wwe wrestler Mvp. he also finds Vicki St Elmo. (Kristen Wiig) who refuses. After telling us the van over his shoulder has the wrestlers and Homemade c4. It blows up on cue, killing his posse and making the wrestlers cameos, pointless.
In fact MacGruber had more screen time on wwe promoting his film than the wrestlers had in this film. Jericho had 3 lines everyone else had 1 line and Big show didn't even speak.
Or maybe Jericho got payed in advance and fucked off to play in his 3rd rate rock band!
Without a team, Mac is off the case, after bribing Piper to let him sodomise him, Piper joins him and Vicki has a change of heart.
We cut to Las vegas, as the search for Von Cunte starts in a casino he usually haunts. He does this blowing his cover and the entire mission. But no-one takes him seriously, but the security tells Cunte anyway.
Back to our Heroes, Mac has the inspiredly stupid plan of Dressing vicki as him. In the hopes that the criminals would be stupid enough not to just shoot their target on sight. But since this is a parody with Genre savvy villians and genre blind heroes, they attack the van with the MCGRBR Vanity plates.
After Killing the henchman with his van, Piper and Vicki find clues that lead the team to an abandoned railroad. After distacting the guards by Dancing Naked with Celery up his ass. (Seriously, Movie, I need to bleach my eyes!) Vicky dressed as a BEARDED! henchman gets shot at, surprisingly. The villians escape with missles launch codes as Mac's Homemade tennisball grenades are just tennisballs. Just as Mac fucks up tracing a call, Col. Faith provides intel on A V.I.P. party Von Cunte is throwing.
We cut to Salt Lake City, where Mac and Vicki crash Von Cunte's Party, with both being wired to Dixon. After Arguing about a passing comment about a guest being handsome, an angry Mac finds Cunte playing Poker. After insults and telling the nice villian who's on his team, Vicky spies a senator getting bribed.
Returning to D.C., Col. Faith takes Mac off the case. He reveals to Dixon why Cunte killed his wife. appartently he stole her from him.
Okay, standard fare. Nothing bad
.....Until he says he stole her, while she was pregnant with Dieter's baby and told her to abort it, and when she refused...Well, I dare go on, but the term "D.I.Y Job" was used!
Movie, you done crossed the line!
The heroes are ambushed and Mac uses Piper as a Human Shield, Despite him wearing Kevlar, He doesn't apprieciate Mac's Cowardice. When performing first aid, Vicky confesses her love and makes love with Mac. Heeerrresss Will forte's ass on your screen again!
Ashamed, Mac goes to his wife's grave. he is visited by his wive's ghost. he then Proceeds to...fuck the ghost, Giving us another screenfull of pasty ass!
He deduces post supernatural Coitus, that Cunte will nuke the State of the Union Address, Just as the crooked senator kills Col. Faith.
Mac returns to Vicky's, Only to find she's being kipnapped. Arming himself with the contents of a sewing box and a Celery up his ass, he apoligizes to piper.
So let's end this! The others go to rescue Vicki, But she frees herself, Cunte captures Mac to frame him for the attack, Cunte cuts Mac's Mullet, turns him apeshit, Piper sticks celery up his ass, Vicki knows Kung Fu, Cunte gets blown, only for Mac to finish the job at Vicki's and his wedding, but not before pissing and shitting on his skeletonised remains! Because that's what a likable hero does!
THIS FILM BIG TIME SUCKS!
Did i need to see Will Forte's ass every 5 minutes? I know, that's an abrupt way to start a paragraph, but if Forte thought people wanted to see him as a stupid, homophobic,xenophonic,ill-mannered,Morally bankrupt 'Murican, He was surely Mistaken. Once again, Wiig is in a film where her talents are wasted, (Ditto Phillippe). When did Val Kilmer get fat? he looks terrible, he looks like former Nfl player turned wrestler Steve "mongo" McMichael!
While many films have socially awkward heroes, usually their mixture of determined spirit and endearing charm, wins the day and usually the girl. But MacGruber is neither Mr. Bean or Ali G or Happy Singh (How's that for an obscure Film reference?). Here we have a charecter from 5 minute shorts. And much like caffiene, sugar and fat, a little MacGruber is all people can tolerate!
CREDITS
MacGruber was reviewed, Edited, and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music:
Baker's Street by Gerry Rafterty
MacGruber is Distrubuted by Universal
All Rights Reserved.
Follow me on twitter @saveusPOE
Next month: CHRISTMAS SPECIAL Bionicle Mask of
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Halloween special: 80's Lad, Like, reviews Pearblossom aka Lifeblood
(SatanicEamonn's Line in Red)
80'S LAD'S REVIEW IN ORANGE)
(Mammie's Line in Pink)
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
After Reviewing The Razzie nominated Did you Hear about the Morgans? The Evil Power of 1 the Devil's DVDs Offset the balance in Eamonn's Soul. The Power he had stolen by Punching SatanicOstrich all of 4 years ago, had control of him. he now stood there in Joe-Jack's Sitting room, look like the lord of flies himself.
If you know what's good for you, You'll stay out of my way!
(Eamonn sprouted wings and flew out the window, Collapsing the supporting Wall As he flew away.)
Joe-Jack can ya closhe da window? deresh a Big Draft comin' in, so deres is!
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
(theme of the month-from the soundtrack Donavan-Mellow Yellow http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrbni0tVBZ8
DDDUUUUUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDEEEEEE!
It's Me the totally tubular 80's Lad hosting our showcase of the tres bogus Sci-fi and horror the film channels have to offer. Rewind your mind back to 2012, ladles and germs,When we reviewed Nazis at the Centre of the Earth man, We thought could film have something bigger to offend people further?
How about A Lesbian God?
So lets Open Our Showcase and Welcome Life Blood to your collective consciousness.
We Open to 2 lezzers, lessing off at a new years party in 1969, One of them is Sophie "No Junk in The Trunk" Monk. After the party is over, the 2 girls are arguing and we are told in flashback that Brooke (Monk) killed a rapist whilst he was in the act. So now Rhea and Brooke are now on the run.
As they speed off, they find a pearblossom in the windscreen that beats a heartbeat, distracting them long enough to kill a possum. Angered by her lovers disregard for Life, Rhea storms off, but returns when a spectre attacks Brooke that knocks her out. Rhea Meets God and she (yes, she!) makes out with Rhea and turns her into an angel.
BY FUCKING HER!
Now that's what I call a magic box. man!
We now Jump forward to new years eve 2009 as a cocoon opens up to reveal the newly formed vampire-angel things. As Brooke realise her Sexual appetite has now become her actual Appetite, And since he hasn't had any for 40 years, goes on a killing spree as Rhea tries(and fails) to be voice of reason. Brooke reveals that god turned her into something that feeds on flesh, while she turned Rhea into something that feeds on flesh-eaters.
So are they vampire angels or 1 is a vampire and the other is an angel? Or are vampires secondary predators and all the long something can eat vampires? I'm confused.
More importantly, Why would God make an evil being? Are there Vacancies in Heaven?
Holed up in a Petrol Station, as sunlight can kill them,Rhea tries to convince Brooke that if they must eat flesh to survive then they must keep out of trouble, Brooke refuses but rhea bites Brooke as she proclaims her evil soul is Delicious.
Watching TV, They find out the rape victim they saved (who has not aged despite it being 40 years ago.) has sold her story and claimed her rapist was her lover to paint the girls in a bad light. Brooke vows to kill her. and Kills rhea when she argues back.
With Rhea Indisposed, Brooke kills a family of tourists as the store clerk escapes finding a midget cop who goes toward the station. After a stand off between them, Brooke kills the midget and then all the police.
But then God comes and DUES EX MACHINA happens fucking Rhea back to life, who chases down Brooke in a stolen Copcar.
And the film ends by Rhea bitch-slapping Brooke so hard she is impaled on a railroad crossing sign. Rhea is a vigilante now feeding on the souls of wicked people, as we cut back to the railroad sign with the body of Brooke gone!
This Film is so BOGUS, My Mans!
As well as being a second-rate model, No Junk-in-the-Trunk Monk zimmers through each scene without ever emoting. But the 8-zeroes-L knows after watching neighbours and home and away, that's just the way Aussies talk! Any film with a midget can't and won't be taken seriously, A lesbian God was only there to attract an audience and if I want to hear new age mumbo jumbo, I'd talk to my Dad, Sixties Dad! Well no wonder i got lost, duders, this maybe our worst review yet, but blame it on the source Material.
(MEANWHILE AT THE TRAIN STATION WHERE THE EXPRESS TO HELL ARRIVES EACH MAY,
SatanicEamonn swoops in and using his corrupted powers and inhuman strength, Destroys the Switchyard of The Multiverse!)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, LOOK LIKE I WAS RIGHT, IT SEEMS THAT ALL THE TRAIN SERVICES ARE GOING TO HELL! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(With his mission over, the Devil's Dvd ejected itself and returned to the pits. Leaving Eamonn to contemplate What he just done!)
Eamonn Returns to BBO Next Month! But can he live with what he did? Find out next Month as he reviews MacGruber!
CREDITS
LifeBlood was reviewed, Compiled and Edited by, starring as 80's Lad, by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music
Mellow Yellow by Donavan
Pearblossom aka Lifeblood aka Murder World aka Sunset Vampires is distributed by Bleiberg Entertainment. All Rights Reserved.
Follow me on Twitter @saveusPOE Or search TGWTGEamonn
80'S LAD'S REVIEW IN ORANGE)
(Mammie's Line in Pink)
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
After Reviewing The Razzie nominated Did you Hear about the Morgans? The Evil Power of 1 the Devil's DVDs Offset the balance in Eamonn's Soul. The Power he had stolen by Punching SatanicOstrich all of 4 years ago, had control of him. he now stood there in Joe-Jack's Sitting room, look like the lord of flies himself.
If you know what's good for you, You'll stay out of my way!
(Eamonn sprouted wings and flew out the window, Collapsing the supporting Wall As he flew away.)
Joe-Jack can ya closhe da window? deresh a Big Draft comin' in, so deres is!
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
(theme of the month-from the soundtrack Donavan-Mellow Yellow http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrbni0tVBZ8
DDDUUUUUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDEEEEEE!
It's Me the totally tubular 80's Lad hosting our showcase of the tres bogus Sci-fi and horror the film channels have to offer. Rewind your mind back to 2012, ladles and germs,When we reviewed Nazis at the Centre of the Earth man, We thought could film have something bigger to offend people further?
How about A Lesbian God?
So lets Open Our Showcase and Welcome Life Blood to your collective consciousness.
We Open to 2 lezzers, lessing off at a new years party in 1969, One of them is Sophie "No Junk in The Trunk" Monk. After the party is over, the 2 girls are arguing and we are told in flashback that Brooke (Monk) killed a rapist whilst he was in the act. So now Rhea and Brooke are now on the run.
As they speed off, they find a pearblossom in the windscreen that beats a heartbeat, distracting them long enough to kill a possum. Angered by her lovers disregard for Life, Rhea storms off, but returns when a spectre attacks Brooke that knocks her out. Rhea Meets God and she (yes, she!) makes out with Rhea and turns her into an angel.
BY FUCKING HER!
Now that's what I call a magic box. man!
We now Jump forward to new years eve 2009 as a cocoon opens up to reveal the newly formed vampire-angel things. As Brooke realise her Sexual appetite has now become her actual Appetite, And since he hasn't had any for 40 years, goes on a killing spree as Rhea tries(and fails) to be voice of reason. Brooke reveals that god turned her into something that feeds on flesh, while she turned Rhea into something that feeds on flesh-eaters.
So are they vampire angels or 1 is a vampire and the other is an angel? Or are vampires secondary predators and all the long something can eat vampires? I'm confused.
More importantly, Why would God make an evil being? Are there Vacancies in Heaven?
Holed up in a Petrol Station, as sunlight can kill them,Rhea tries to convince Brooke that if they must eat flesh to survive then they must keep out of trouble, Brooke refuses but rhea bites Brooke as she proclaims her evil soul is Delicious.
Watching TV, They find out the rape victim they saved (who has not aged despite it being 40 years ago.) has sold her story and claimed her rapist was her lover to paint the girls in a bad light. Brooke vows to kill her. and Kills rhea when she argues back.
With Rhea Indisposed, Brooke kills a family of tourists as the store clerk escapes finding a midget cop who goes toward the station. After a stand off between them, Brooke kills the midget and then all the police.
But then God comes and DUES EX MACHINA happens fucking Rhea back to life, who chases down Brooke in a stolen Copcar.
And the film ends by Rhea bitch-slapping Brooke so hard she is impaled on a railroad crossing sign. Rhea is a vigilante now feeding on the souls of wicked people, as we cut back to the railroad sign with the body of Brooke gone!
This Film is so BOGUS, My Mans!
As well as being a second-rate model, No Junk-in-the-Trunk Monk zimmers through each scene without ever emoting. But the 8-zeroes-L knows after watching neighbours and home and away, that's just the way Aussies talk! Any film with a midget can't and won't be taken seriously, A lesbian God was only there to attract an audience and if I want to hear new age mumbo jumbo, I'd talk to my Dad, Sixties Dad! Well no wonder i got lost, duders, this maybe our worst review yet, but blame it on the source Material.
(MEANWHILE AT THE TRAIN STATION WHERE THE EXPRESS TO HELL ARRIVES EACH MAY,
SatanicEamonn swoops in and using his corrupted powers and inhuman strength, Destroys the Switchyard of The Multiverse!)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, LOOK LIKE I WAS RIGHT, IT SEEMS THAT ALL THE TRAIN SERVICES ARE GOING TO HELL! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(With his mission over, the Devil's Dvd ejected itself and returned to the pits. Leaving Eamonn to contemplate What he just done!)
Eamonn Returns to BBO Next Month! But can he live with what he did? Find out next Month as he reviews MacGruber!
CREDITS
LifeBlood was reviewed, Compiled and Edited by, starring as 80's Lad, by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music
Mellow Yellow by Donavan
Pearblossom aka Lifeblood aka Murder World aka Sunset Vampires is distributed by Bleiberg Entertainment. All Rights Reserved.
Follow me on Twitter @saveusPOE Or search TGWTGEamonn
Monday, September 2, 2013
Eamonn gets kidnapped, Forced to review Did you hear about the Morgans?
(we open to Eamonn asleep on the couch with cans of Energy drink everywhere, he is awoke by his phone Stumbling into a new found headache, he reaches to read 35 missed calls, all from Joe-Jack. he calls him. As he does he notices his door is chained like Silent hill the room.)
(slurred) I'm locked out of the rest of my house! Where are you?
I'm sorry for (crying)....I HAD TA! YA WOULDN'TDO IT IF I DID ASKYA!
Do what? couldn't you or 80's Lad do it?
We had t'keep it a secret, so we had t'trap ya wif dem dere spiked drinks, it is another another Divil's dvd as bad as leap year and Silent hill but this more potent dan me zombie makin' poteen so it is!
what can be more potent that your zombie Moonshine?
(he pressed play. the screen for Did You hear About the Morgans? play out!
FUCK NO! JOE-JACK, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!!
(this month's theme-Crazy little thing called love-DONE RIGHT!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EE34cSvZCd8
For those who never heard of this film 90% percent of you welcome to the Razzie nominated rom-com bomb that killed off the carears of it's two leads. And considering the 2 leads are Hugh "Pervo" Grant and Sarah Jessica Horse-Face, my least favorite actors, I'm so glad they did!
So lets dig into D.Y.H.A.T.M? The worst film to come out of the worse genre starring the worse actor and actress! (actual Razzie response)
Before I start, Rather than the tired old "You wouldn't steal a car" video that my countrymen Bryne and O'Breen have parodied, we were told this bold claim.
"By buying this dvd, you're helping funding the British Film and Television Industry!"
No wonder ITV are reduced to Towie, "celebrity" shows and Horrid Henry, If the British tv industry pinned their hopes on this!
We open to a blank screen as we hear Paul Morgan (Pervo) trying to ask his ex-wife Merrell (HorseFace) to dinner. We are told early that she is a realter that made the cover of magazine. Remember this.
While Merrell is enjoying her life as a newly-divorced socialite, Pervo is trying to win her back with lavish gifts and gatecrshing her Breast cancer gala.
Hugh probably went there, because it has the word breast in it!
So they go out to dinner the next night. There is also a sub-plot between the Morgans' P.A.s , a Topher Grace stand-in and Natalia Klimas, an actress that looks like the secret love-child of Jennifer Garner and Amy Adams or Jennamy Garnadams as I'll call her from now on! the Sub-plot is an insufferable Everything You Can do/Aww They Really Love Each Other plot! Except without any warmth or tenderness and lots more childish name calling and tazers!
So as the Morgans walk home, It's revealed to the audience that Hugh Grant of all people, was caught with a hooker!
They walk past a house that Merrell sold earlier, as the client falls from the balcony with a knife in his back. The murderer spots the Morgans. Thanks to the plot-point of the Magazine Cover, the Murderer has an idea who she is.
After being targeted at home, the police tells the Morgans that the man murdered was an arms dealer testifying against a Terrorist Hiding in Europe. and as witnesses, they will be put together into a witness Protection Programme.
(facepalming, shaking his head, Laughing)
this is so stupid!
TRY AGAIN DUMBASS!
I read Phoenix Wright Fan-fiction with Less Artistic License than this!
So the Idiots are relocated to Wyoming and after complaining about not packing enough clothes, the sheriff pulls over to a Bargain Barn, and cheap clothes are a Culture shock to these Gobshites!
Also the deputies protecting the Morgans are Man and Wive and avid Hunters, something that disagrees with the vegatarian PETA Patron Merrell but it's a Compressed Vice.
Meanwhile back in New york, Not-Topher Grace and Jennamy Garnadams are planted Trackers by the hitman.
Back in Wyoming, the culture shock continues for the spoilt handrared fuckers as Paul is attacked by a bear. The only Doctor in town is a pediactric. Not being guarded Merrell calls an adoption agency to cancel services as her call gets traced.
So the morgans are arguing so much that even the sheriffs wants to get them out of the house. So they teach the morgans to ride a horse and shoot rifles, getting Paul hurt in the process so he must see that the pediatrician again and is offered a lollipop! Merrell let's slip she is an estate agent and becomes the town's self-appointed busybody, this agitates some people when they go out to dinner, when she asks the local toughnut named Earl(Wilfred Brimley) not to smoke.
You don't want to piss off Brimley! He could turn into the Thing and eat your face! Actually, "the Thing eats Perv-o and Horse-face" would be a far better film than this!
The next day, Earl comes up to Paul because he needs a lawyer to draw a will. despite A) How did anyone know he was a lawyer and B) since he is under an assumed alias, any drafts will be under scutiny.
Back in NYC, Gopher#1 call's merrel's tapped number but Gopher 2 kisses her, only to get tazered.
Talk about extreme No-Touchies!
Now we have some real bullshit dialogue. As out in the night sky, Merrell looks at the stars and claims she never seen the real stars before!
You know what? THAT'S BULLSHIT! AND HERE'S WHY! Remember when you were young and had picture books? I'm sure you did. First words of animals in the farm and in the jungle! I First went to Dublin zoo when I was 11 but knew what a lion looked like before actually seeing 1.
What i'm driving at is, not knowing what something looks like is stupid, since we live in an audiovisual world where we know what thinks look like before we ever see them for ourselves.
Also in attempt to get a more high-brow job Horse-face quotes Shakespeare, yeah I doubt that will ever happen. And Reminiscing about there marraige makes them get back together, just as the seperate sites are issued and the hitman touches down in Wyoming.
BECAUSE THE PLOT SAYS SO!
Oh and the reason Merrell wants to have kids is that Paul once nursed a mouse back to heath!
Somewhere a sentient floppy fringe with a tail and whiskers is bribing the other mice for sex with cheese!
So the Morgans are invited to the (only) social event of the year, The Rodeo, as Pervo and Horse-Face dance to a terrible country version of Crazy little thing called love, Sang by who I thought was Rebecca Black! When they discuss getting back together, Merrell confesses to sleeping with someone else during the separation.
"Why" askes Paul.
"WHY?"
WHY NOT?
I Thought what you did when you where divorced was not your ex-spouse's concern. And as you keep drilling in our heads, movie, THEY HAVE NO CHILDREN! So it wouldn't matter even if they did keep in touch!
The next day the assassian arrives as the Morgans bitch and moan about there crappy lives. I really hope the happy ending is them choking on Lead slugs!
Speaking of Which, the assassian has took advantage of everyone being at the rodeo, The morgans escape with the gunman on their trail, Hiding at the rodeo, they have the inspiredly stupid Idea of dressing as a pantomime bull in a Bull-ring. But entire town rushes the assassian and outguns him.
So this turd is covered and flushed when the assassian is arrested, the morgans return with an adoptive child and Not-Topher and Jennamy Garnadams are a couple and have their jobs back. Despite nearly killing their employers!
THIS FILM SUCKS!....But what didya expect? Shakespeare? and hearing Horse-face quote the bard is making me consider being a two-blog reviewer.
Stupid Dialogue, tired stereotypes and over exaggeration of the differences between life in Wyoming and New York City.
As someone who has never being there I must apoligise to any person from Wyoming reading this who or who saw this trash. I'm sure your state is not the cultural wasteland it is depicted as here. There is only 1 cultural Wasteland and it's called Da Wesht Ov Ireland!
Oi I'm standin' outside dis door! Don't mak' me come in dere!
And New York is depicted as an overcrowded, Overpolluted Deathropolis with that "Never Seen The Stars" Speech. If you have a Big Park in the middle of the city and People can see amimals not on plates, then it's hardly Anhk-Morpok, now is it?
In fact, going back to that claim the begining of this DVD, If you want to raise money for the british film Industry, Make a Discworld Film! It's Long Overdue!
That's how bad this film is! I'd rather talk about films that will never happen than this piece of shit!
(Eamonn ejects the dvd that spins and hovers, until it speeds and collides with Eamonn's heart! Darkness seeps out as a transformation slowly creeps across this face. Joe-jack comes in after unlocking the door)
Oi, I DIDN'T LIOKE DEM TINGS YA SAID ABOUT ME HOME YA SHITEHAWK!
(Without turning or any visual movement, Eamonn had grabbed Joe-Jack by the throat, Emitting Black smoke from this mouth and eyes, he threw punches engulfed in flames, not silver flames but actual fire.)
Eamonn...Please....stop...
I. AM. NOT.EAMONN!
TO BE CONTINUED.....!
CREDITS
Did You Hear About the Morgans? was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With music:
Crazy Little thing called Love by Queen, supplied by Vevo.
D.Y.H.A.T.M? Is distributed by Columbia Pictures.
All rights reserved.
Follow me on twitter @SaveusPOE Or Search for TGWTGEamonn
Next Month: Halloween special.
(slurred) I'm locked out of the rest of my house! Where are you?
I'm sorry for (crying)....I HAD TA! YA WOULDN'TDO IT IF I DID ASKYA!
Do what? couldn't you or 80's Lad do it?
We had t'keep it a secret, so we had t'trap ya wif dem dere spiked drinks, it is another another Divil's dvd as bad as leap year and Silent hill but this more potent dan me zombie makin' poteen so it is!
what can be more potent that your zombie Moonshine?
(he pressed play. the screen for Did You hear About the Morgans? play out!
FUCK NO! JOE-JACK, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!!
(this month's theme-Crazy little thing called love-DONE RIGHT!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EE34cSvZCd8
For those who never heard of this film 90% percent of you welcome to the Razzie nominated rom-com bomb that killed off the carears of it's two leads. And considering the 2 leads are Hugh "Pervo" Grant and Sarah Jessica Horse-Face, my least favorite actors, I'm so glad they did!
So lets dig into D.Y.H.A.T.M? The worst film to come out of the worse genre starring the worse actor and actress! (actual Razzie response)
Before I start, Rather than the tired old "You wouldn't steal a car" video that my countrymen Bryne and O'Breen have parodied, we were told this bold claim.
"By buying this dvd, you're helping funding the British Film and Television Industry!"
No wonder ITV are reduced to Towie, "celebrity" shows and Horrid Henry, If the British tv industry pinned their hopes on this!
We open to a blank screen as we hear Paul Morgan (Pervo) trying to ask his ex-wife Merrell (HorseFace) to dinner. We are told early that she is a realter that made the cover of magazine. Remember this.
While Merrell is enjoying her life as a newly-divorced socialite, Pervo is trying to win her back with lavish gifts and gatecrshing her Breast cancer gala.
Hugh probably went there, because it has the word breast in it!
So they go out to dinner the next night. There is also a sub-plot between the Morgans' P.A.s , a Topher Grace stand-in and Natalia Klimas, an actress that looks like the secret love-child of Jennifer Garner and Amy Adams or Jennamy Garnadams as I'll call her from now on! the Sub-plot is an insufferable Everything You Can do/Aww They Really Love Each Other plot! Except without any warmth or tenderness and lots more childish name calling and tazers!
So as the Morgans walk home, It's revealed to the audience that Hugh Grant of all people, was caught with a hooker!
They walk past a house that Merrell sold earlier, as the client falls from the balcony with a knife in his back. The murderer spots the Morgans. Thanks to the plot-point of the Magazine Cover, the Murderer has an idea who she is.
After being targeted at home, the police tells the Morgans that the man murdered was an arms dealer testifying against a Terrorist Hiding in Europe. and as witnesses, they will be put together into a witness Protection Programme.
(facepalming, shaking his head, Laughing)
this is so stupid!
- They are divorced which means the annulment is binding every state! And wouldn't be safer to separate them? They clearly have no children to raise as they will bitch about in every two-hander they will have!
- Horse-Face is a celebrity, who's face is plastered on billboards and a nationally distributed Magazine. SHE WILL BE RECOGNISED!
- Witness protection is only giving to witness when the Defendant is in police Custody. the defendant is an arms dealer in Europe, beyond the FBI's durasiction giving that,
- He is not under American Arrest and
- Using a Hitman to do his dirty work.
TRY AGAIN DUMBASS!
I read Phoenix Wright Fan-fiction with Less Artistic License than this!
So the Idiots are relocated to Wyoming and after complaining about not packing enough clothes, the sheriff pulls over to a Bargain Barn, and cheap clothes are a Culture shock to these Gobshites!
Also the deputies protecting the Morgans are Man and Wive and avid Hunters, something that disagrees with the vegatarian PETA Patron Merrell but it's a Compressed Vice.
Meanwhile back in New york, Not-Topher Grace and Jennamy Garnadams are planted Trackers by the hitman.
Back in Wyoming, the culture shock continues for the spoilt handrared fuckers as Paul is attacked by a bear. The only Doctor in town is a pediactric. Not being guarded Merrell calls an adoption agency to cancel services as her call gets traced.
So the morgans are arguing so much that even the sheriffs wants to get them out of the house. So they teach the morgans to ride a horse and shoot rifles, getting Paul hurt in the process so he must see that the pediatrician again and is offered a lollipop! Merrell let's slip she is an estate agent and becomes the town's self-appointed busybody, this agitates some people when they go out to dinner, when she asks the local toughnut named Earl(Wilfred Brimley) not to smoke.
You don't want to piss off Brimley! He could turn into the Thing and eat your face! Actually, "the Thing eats Perv-o and Horse-face" would be a far better film than this!
The next day, Earl comes up to Paul because he needs a lawyer to draw a will. despite A) How did anyone know he was a lawyer and B) since he is under an assumed alias, any drafts will be under scutiny.
Back in NYC, Gopher#1 call's merrel's tapped number but Gopher 2 kisses her, only to get tazered.
Talk about extreme No-Touchies!
Now we have some real bullshit dialogue. As out in the night sky, Merrell looks at the stars and claims she never seen the real stars before!
You know what? THAT'S BULLSHIT! AND HERE'S WHY! Remember when you were young and had picture books? I'm sure you did. First words of animals in the farm and in the jungle! I First went to Dublin zoo when I was 11 but knew what a lion looked like before actually seeing 1.
What i'm driving at is, not knowing what something looks like is stupid, since we live in an audiovisual world where we know what thinks look like before we ever see them for ourselves.
Also in attempt to get a more high-brow job Horse-face quotes Shakespeare, yeah I doubt that will ever happen. And Reminiscing about there marraige makes them get back together, just as the seperate sites are issued and the hitman touches down in Wyoming.
BECAUSE THE PLOT SAYS SO!
Oh and the reason Merrell wants to have kids is that Paul once nursed a mouse back to heath!
Somewhere a sentient floppy fringe with a tail and whiskers is bribing the other mice for sex with cheese!
So the Morgans are invited to the (only) social event of the year, The Rodeo, as Pervo and Horse-Face dance to a terrible country version of Crazy little thing called love, Sang by who I thought was Rebecca Black! When they discuss getting back together, Merrell confesses to sleeping with someone else during the separation.
"Why" askes Paul.
"WHY?"
WHY NOT?
I Thought what you did when you where divorced was not your ex-spouse's concern. And as you keep drilling in our heads, movie, THEY HAVE NO CHILDREN! So it wouldn't matter even if they did keep in touch!
The next day the assassian arrives as the Morgans bitch and moan about there crappy lives. I really hope the happy ending is them choking on Lead slugs!
Speaking of Which, the assassian has took advantage of everyone being at the rodeo, The morgans escape with the gunman on their trail, Hiding at the rodeo, they have the inspiredly stupid Idea of dressing as a pantomime bull in a Bull-ring. But entire town rushes the assassian and outguns him.
So this turd is covered and flushed when the assassian is arrested, the morgans return with an adoptive child and Not-Topher and Jennamy Garnadams are a couple and have their jobs back. Despite nearly killing their employers!
THIS FILM SUCKS!....But what didya expect? Shakespeare? and hearing Horse-face quote the bard is making me consider being a two-blog reviewer.
Stupid Dialogue, tired stereotypes and over exaggeration of the differences between life in Wyoming and New York City.
As someone who has never being there I must apoligise to any person from Wyoming reading this who or who saw this trash. I'm sure your state is not the cultural wasteland it is depicted as here. There is only 1 cultural Wasteland and it's called Da Wesht Ov Ireland!
Oi I'm standin' outside dis door! Don't mak' me come in dere!
And New York is depicted as an overcrowded, Overpolluted Deathropolis with that "Never Seen The Stars" Speech. If you have a Big Park in the middle of the city and People can see amimals not on plates, then it's hardly Anhk-Morpok, now is it?
In fact, going back to that claim the begining of this DVD, If you want to raise money for the british film Industry, Make a Discworld Film! It's Long Overdue!
That's how bad this film is! I'd rather talk about films that will never happen than this piece of shit!
(Eamonn ejects the dvd that spins and hovers, until it speeds and collides with Eamonn's heart! Darkness seeps out as a transformation slowly creeps across this face. Joe-jack comes in after unlocking the door)
Oi, I DIDN'T LIOKE DEM TINGS YA SAID ABOUT ME HOME YA SHITEHAWK!
(Without turning or any visual movement, Eamonn had grabbed Joe-Jack by the throat, Emitting Black smoke from this mouth and eyes, he threw punches engulfed in flames, not silver flames but actual fire.)
Eamonn...Please....stop...
I. AM. NOT.EAMONN!
TO BE CONTINUED.....!
CREDITS
Did You Hear About the Morgans? was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With music:
Crazy Little thing called Love by Queen, supplied by Vevo.
D.Y.H.A.T.M? Is distributed by Columbia Pictures.
All rights reserved.
Follow me on twitter @SaveusPOE Or Search for TGWTGEamonn
Next Month: Halloween special.
Monday, July 1, 2013
SatanicOstrisch reviews Meet Dave part 2
(Previously on bogger box office....
Depressed on being defeated over and over by Eamonn, Joe-Jack and 80's Lad, Satanic Ostrich Quit his job as Satan! With nowhere to go, Ostrich prepared a job interview of sorts by reviewing Meet Dave to earn his keep!)
(This month's theme, because of the stupid love-plot between Gina and Dave, Robyn's the Girl and Robot aka I'm In Love With A Robot)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfckrfOYAy4
After seeing a painting, Gina asks the robot his name. After a lame joke that most of the world are Chinese, 1 uses the name Dave as his cover, he blatantly tells Gina he is an alien between talking like a dictionary, drinking ketchup like soda and LOUDLY Crushing eggs behind her back, she's too much of an idiot to notice,
After kicking her cat, Dave notices PG FILM CLICHE#1-DEAD PARENT PHOTO And her son Josh holding the meteorite. Gina tells Dave that he is at school and always carries the meteorite everywhere.
Meanwhile, Our subplot is planted as a conspiracy Theorist Cop and his long suffering partner are on his trail.
After more Shameless Advertising, this time for Apple, The crew are beginning to lose their minds. 17 becomes a black stereotype, 2's mind is blown by Humanity's history of disregard for each other, and seeing a couple kiss makes 3 Have deep-set feelings for 1.
Passing the school playground in his white suit makes every child think he's an ice-cream man. Despite not having anything pertaining to Ice-cream, the children still follow him.
And here's me using my Jimmy Saville costume like a sucker!
(AUDIENCE BOOS!)
AHHH FUCK OFF! I'M THE FUCKING DEVIL! I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY SHIT LIKE THAT!
After buying new clothes and causing a scene, Dave replicates money by...Farting some. Stumbling onto Broadway, 4 turns gay by seeing musicals.
YES MUSICALS WILL DO THAT TO YOU! THAT'S WHY I MADE THEM!
Josh is being bullied at school and the meteorite is stolen because of plot convenience. Dave arrives and asks the principal where is the 5th grade class, the principal assumes he is a substitute teacher without ever asking his background.
Wow, Eamonn, That sounds like the Education Policy of your home country of Ireland, AMIRITE?
(AUDIENCE BOOS!)
OH FUCK OFF, YOU PAID!
After giving the class a theorem for renewable Energy, Josh is separated from his class and tells him that the meteorite was stolen by PG FILM CLICHE #2 SEMI RETARDED BULLY who hangs out at the deli after school. At said Deli, Dave diffuses an armed Robbery.
(Ostrich reads from a dictionary)
Incognito: Adj 1 Having a false identity 2 doing things the opposite of meet Dave!
Josh tells Dave the bully left during the robbery but will be at the PG FILM CLICHE#3 CROWDED FUNFAIR tomorrow.
Back at the crashsite, a cast of Dave's face is created by police, after the robbery it's not long til 2 and 2 are put together.
In the ship, the Nilians exposure to human emotions are referred to by Dr. 0 as a virus, 4 adopts a Parlarie(gay) accent, 12 starts to paint, 17 uses Ebonics and we get background on 1 and 3, who have being friends since childhood, they too, despite being the more level headed of the aliens are overcome with emotions after watching It's a wonderful Life. (despite the setting being August, and this not being a Christmas movie, which means it'll be shown on bank holidays for years to come!)
Number 1 has 12 hours to the meteorite before his space-ship dies. So naturally we show him wasting time in a funfair! This leads to PG FILM CLICHE#4 GIFTS=ROMANCE!
This Leads to the ship Dispatching all the food by jettison using Multiple Toilet splashing sound effects.
I Didn't mention it as it wasn't conductive to the storyline of this film, BUT WHAT'S WITH ALL THE FART JOKES? This isn't Thunderpants, though it looks more appealing compared to Meet Dave!
Finally the Plot is back as Josh tries to get the meteorite back from the Bully, Dave wedgies him to obtain it. While 2 wants to absorb the water and leave us Pitiful Humans to die. The other Nilians are having too much fun. After suffering a concussion, the Limited power reserves of Dave take a hit that looks like a heart Attack to humans. In Hospital, a MRI Blows daves cover. Out to dinner number 17 gets drunk on Dave's mojitos and dances out off the ship. Inside the ship, 4 Enshewing his uniform for Camp Gay threads, gives 3 a makeover. 2 is if anything having a Villianous Breakdown. The cops arrest Dave just as 2 takes over the ship, Causing a jailbreak. 2 exiles 1 and 3 out of Dave. After a scene completely ripped off from toy story, 1 and 3 return to Dave. The cops find 17 and helps him get back to Liberty Island.
Let's end this misery.
Number 1 overrides Dave, but the meteorite makes contact with water and begins to syphon it, but Dave sacrifices his remaining 10% of his power reserves to save Earth, But Josh uses the cop's tazer to recharge his batteries, the cop returns 17 as Dave's crew escape from a rescue pod in this foot.
Oh and the Nilian's Planet is still doomed, but hey, every film by 21st century FUCKS must end with sequel bait, right?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoYWdHe4tQ4
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
The Misery from his film fills me with joy!
Does Eddie Murphy have a fetish for terrible CGI? Cos this makes pluto nash look like Black Swan in comparsion. Murphy cannot do an English accent (why?) and his supporting cast are all hams. No two-ways about it. It's a film that's destined to be shown at any and every bank holiday. Like Thunderpants, it thinks that fart jokes will it entertaining to children. And fails miserably.
Very good. And though I may regret it, you can stay, but only if you can get a job. But you can have my spare room.
I DON'T TAKE TOO MUCH SPACE~#!
(Ostrich turned into a puff of smoke and flowed up the chimney, Laughing his wicked cackle!)
CREDITS
Meet Dave was Reviewed as SatanicOstrich, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With clips and music from
Tom and Jerry the movie
and The Girl and Robot by Robyn
Meet Dave is property of 21st Century Fox
All clips belong to there respected owners
All rights reserved
NEXT MONTH MYSTERY REVIEW REVEALED OR LOG ONTO MY MAIN SITE, pathofenlightment.blogspot.com for Reveal post.
Depressed on being defeated over and over by Eamonn, Joe-Jack and 80's Lad, Satanic Ostrich Quit his job as Satan! With nowhere to go, Ostrich prepared a job interview of sorts by reviewing Meet Dave to earn his keep!)
(This month's theme, because of the stupid love-plot between Gina and Dave, Robyn's the Girl and Robot aka I'm In Love With A Robot)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfckrfOYAy4
After seeing a painting, Gina asks the robot his name. After a lame joke that most of the world are Chinese, 1 uses the name Dave as his cover, he blatantly tells Gina he is an alien between talking like a dictionary, drinking ketchup like soda and LOUDLY Crushing eggs behind her back, she's too much of an idiot to notice,
After kicking her cat, Dave notices PG FILM CLICHE#1-DEAD PARENT PHOTO And her son Josh holding the meteorite. Gina tells Dave that he is at school and always carries the meteorite everywhere.
Meanwhile, Our subplot is planted as a conspiracy Theorist Cop and his long suffering partner are on his trail.
After more Shameless Advertising, this time for Apple, The crew are beginning to lose their minds. 17 becomes a black stereotype, 2's mind is blown by Humanity's history of disregard for each other, and seeing a couple kiss makes 3 Have deep-set feelings for 1.
Passing the school playground in his white suit makes every child think he's an ice-cream man. Despite not having anything pertaining to Ice-cream, the children still follow him.
And here's me using my Jimmy Saville costume like a sucker!
(AUDIENCE BOOS!)
AHHH FUCK OFF! I'M THE FUCKING DEVIL! I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY SHIT LIKE THAT!
After buying new clothes and causing a scene, Dave replicates money by...Farting some. Stumbling onto Broadway, 4 turns gay by seeing musicals.
YES MUSICALS WILL DO THAT TO YOU! THAT'S WHY I MADE THEM!
Josh is being bullied at school and the meteorite is stolen because of plot convenience. Dave arrives and asks the principal where is the 5th grade class, the principal assumes he is a substitute teacher without ever asking his background.
Wow, Eamonn, That sounds like the Education Policy of your home country of Ireland, AMIRITE?
(AUDIENCE BOOS!)
OH FUCK OFF, YOU PAID!
After giving the class a theorem for renewable Energy, Josh is separated from his class and tells him that the meteorite was stolen by PG FILM CLICHE #2 SEMI RETARDED BULLY who hangs out at the deli after school. At said Deli, Dave diffuses an armed Robbery.
(Ostrich reads from a dictionary)
Incognito: Adj 1 Having a false identity 2 doing things the opposite of meet Dave!
Josh tells Dave the bully left during the robbery but will be at the PG FILM CLICHE#3 CROWDED FUNFAIR tomorrow.
Back at the crashsite, a cast of Dave's face is created by police, after the robbery it's not long til 2 and 2 are put together.
In the ship, the Nilians exposure to human emotions are referred to by Dr. 0 as a virus, 4 adopts a Parlarie(gay) accent, 12 starts to paint, 17 uses Ebonics and we get background on 1 and 3, who have being friends since childhood, they too, despite being the more level headed of the aliens are overcome with emotions after watching It's a wonderful Life. (despite the setting being August, and this not being a Christmas movie, which means it'll be shown on bank holidays for years to come!)
Number 1 has 12 hours to the meteorite before his space-ship dies. So naturally we show him wasting time in a funfair! This leads to PG FILM CLICHE#4 GIFTS=ROMANCE!
This Leads to the ship Dispatching all the food by jettison using Multiple Toilet splashing sound effects.
I Didn't mention it as it wasn't conductive to the storyline of this film, BUT WHAT'S WITH ALL THE FART JOKES? This isn't Thunderpants, though it looks more appealing compared to Meet Dave!
Finally the Plot is back as Josh tries to get the meteorite back from the Bully, Dave wedgies him to obtain it. While 2 wants to absorb the water and leave us Pitiful Humans to die. The other Nilians are having too much fun. After suffering a concussion, the Limited power reserves of Dave take a hit that looks like a heart Attack to humans. In Hospital, a MRI Blows daves cover. Out to dinner number 17 gets drunk on Dave's mojitos and dances out off the ship. Inside the ship, 4 Enshewing his uniform for Camp Gay threads, gives 3 a makeover. 2 is if anything having a Villianous Breakdown. The cops arrest Dave just as 2 takes over the ship, Causing a jailbreak. 2 exiles 1 and 3 out of Dave. After a scene completely ripped off from toy story, 1 and 3 return to Dave. The cops find 17 and helps him get back to Liberty Island.
Let's end this misery.
Number 1 overrides Dave, but the meteorite makes contact with water and begins to syphon it, but Dave sacrifices his remaining 10% of his power reserves to save Earth, But Josh uses the cop's tazer to recharge his batteries, the cop returns 17 as Dave's crew escape from a rescue pod in this foot.
Oh and the Nilian's Planet is still doomed, but hey, every film by 21st century FUCKS must end with sequel bait, right?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoYWdHe4tQ4
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
The Misery from his film fills me with joy!
Does Eddie Murphy have a fetish for terrible CGI? Cos this makes pluto nash look like Black Swan in comparsion. Murphy cannot do an English accent (why?) and his supporting cast are all hams. No two-ways about it. It's a film that's destined to be shown at any and every bank holiday. Like Thunderpants, it thinks that fart jokes will it entertaining to children. And fails miserably.
Very good. And though I may regret it, you can stay, but only if you can get a job. But you can have my spare room.
I DON'T TAKE TOO MUCH SPACE~#!
(Ostrich turned into a puff of smoke and flowed up the chimney, Laughing his wicked cackle!)
CREDITS
Meet Dave was Reviewed as SatanicOstrich, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With clips and music from
Tom and Jerry the movie
and The Girl and Robot by Robyn
Meet Dave is property of 21st Century Fox
All clips belong to there respected owners
All rights reserved
NEXT MONTH MYSTERY REVIEW REVEALED OR LOG ONTO MY MAIN SITE, pathofenlightment.blogspot.com for Reveal post.
Monday, June 17, 2013
SatanicOstrich (Yes Really!) Reviews Meet Dave! Part 1
(We open in a Darkened Living room, Curtains closed on a Stormy Night, Antique of the macabre arts covered in cobwebs and portraits of Villainous Curs on the walls fill the space. the Camera pans to an Electric Chair. sat in it, the Villain of the Enlighteniverse, the Satanic Ostrich! A glass of what you hope is Red Wine clasped in his wing.)
HELLO KIDDIES!
I'm Afraid to tell you that Joe-Jack, Eamonn and 80'S Lad won't be here, because I ATE THEM!
(CLICK!)
(Standing at the light-switch was Eamonn. He was holding a brown bag and a bemused face.
the "Mansion" was just his house covered in props.)
I leave for 5 minutes to get something to eat and what the hell?
Ah...er...OH HAI, EAMONN!.....I suppose you want an explanation for all this?
(Eamonn clenched his fist that glowed with cinders.) you have til 10!
Well it all started when you destroyed Master Control. Sick off you trouncing my plans every May, I tricked 80's lad home to bring in a Master control as a ringer, only for her to do a better job than I can do, Naturally It made a sensitive little flower like myself all kinds of depressed so I...Quit my Job!
You Quit Your Job?
-Yes!
-As Satan?
-YES!
-Won't that have an adverse effect on those in the afterlife.
You, Don't have any idea what's it like to work in the same job over-and over, for millions of years and not be appreciated? WELL THAT CHANGES TODAY! But need a place to crash, As my mortal enemy you are not weirded out by 9ft tall Ostriches in fish-net stockings!
Well, it looked like you were in the middle of something. I'll think about it, and I'll let you finish.
So lets Cut the bullshit and start my review of Meet Dave!
After pressing play on a dvd screen that doesn't tell us what the film is, Maybe to the buyer's Dignity, We see the Omega Ranger landing on Earth. No it's in fact a Meteorite that lands in a boy's goldfish bowl and drains the water.
So the Aliens want the water?
I Heard the remake of V was shit but...
3 Months later Eddie Murphy crashes on Liberty Island, Naturally the most well known Tourist attraction in the world has no bystanders to see the event. So Dave tries to fit in. Hilarity ensues. No wait not Hilarity. What's the opposite to that?
-Stupidity?
That's the word!
He gets run over by a car and runs a diagnostic on himself
Turns out Dave is in fact a spaceship manned by tiny humanoid aliens called Nillians from the planet Nil, a planet where emotions are banned. The captain, Number 1(also Murphy) is told that the car crash has damaged the ship enough to die in 2 days. Their mission is to syphon all of Earth's water so they can survive.
So clearly the aliens are intelligent enough to build bio-machines to human scale that can eat and have working organs, but then Number 3(Gabrielle Union), the culture officer tell us her knowledge of earth comes from Google, Yahoo! and stock footage of old newsreels and cartoons.
Great so they have the same knowledge of Earth as the Hoobs!
And to those who scoff at Aliens speaking English, usually it's explained as psychic link or watching tv, It's here I want to propose a new trope, Plot-centric Advertising or Frankie's Blackberry, after the stupidity from ghost town back in February, As Google is used a lot to solve a social problem.
Conveniently the women who knocked down Dave is the mother of the boy who found the meteorite.
Of Course she fucking is!
JUST HOW WORSE CAN MEET DAVE GET? WILL SATANICOSTRICH CALL ENLIGHTENED TOWERS HIS HOME? ALL THIS PLUS THE REVEAL OF THE MYSTERY REVIEW IN AUGUST NEXT TIME ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!
IF YOU WHAT MORE OF ME REVIEWING HEAD OVER TO PATHOFENLIGHTMENT.BLOGSPOT.COM FOR WWE PAYBACK RESULTS.
HELLO KIDDIES!
I'm Afraid to tell you that Joe-Jack, Eamonn and 80'S Lad won't be here, because I ATE THEM!
(CLICK!)
(Standing at the light-switch was Eamonn. He was holding a brown bag and a bemused face.
the "Mansion" was just his house covered in props.)
I leave for 5 minutes to get something to eat and what the hell?
Ah...er...OH HAI, EAMONN!.....I suppose you want an explanation for all this?
(Eamonn clenched his fist that glowed with cinders.) you have til 10!
Well it all started when you destroyed Master Control. Sick off you trouncing my plans every May, I tricked 80's lad home to bring in a Master control as a ringer, only for her to do a better job than I can do, Naturally It made a sensitive little flower like myself all kinds of depressed so I...Quit my Job!
You Quit Your Job?
-Yes!
-As Satan?
-YES!
-Won't that have an adverse effect on those in the afterlife.
You, Don't have any idea what's it like to work in the same job over-and over, for millions of years and not be appreciated? WELL THAT CHANGES TODAY! But need a place to crash, As my mortal enemy you are not weirded out by 9ft tall Ostriches in fish-net stockings!
Well, it looked like you were in the middle of something. I'll think about it, and I'll let you finish.
So lets Cut the bullshit and start my review of Meet Dave!
After pressing play on a dvd screen that doesn't tell us what the film is, Maybe to the buyer's Dignity, We see the Omega Ranger landing on Earth. No it's in fact a Meteorite that lands in a boy's goldfish bowl and drains the water.
So the Aliens want the water?
I Heard the remake of V was shit but...
3 Months later Eddie Murphy crashes on Liberty Island, Naturally the most well known Tourist attraction in the world has no bystanders to see the event. So Dave tries to fit in. Hilarity ensues. No wait not Hilarity. What's the opposite to that?
-Stupidity?
That's the word!
He gets run over by a car and runs a diagnostic on himself
Turns out Dave is in fact a spaceship manned by tiny humanoid aliens called Nillians from the planet Nil, a planet where emotions are banned. The captain, Number 1(also Murphy) is told that the car crash has damaged the ship enough to die in 2 days. Their mission is to syphon all of Earth's water so they can survive.
So clearly the aliens are intelligent enough to build bio-machines to human scale that can eat and have working organs, but then Number 3(Gabrielle Union), the culture officer tell us her knowledge of earth comes from Google, Yahoo! and stock footage of old newsreels and cartoons.
Great so they have the same knowledge of Earth as the Hoobs!
And to those who scoff at Aliens speaking English, usually it's explained as psychic link or watching tv, It's here I want to propose a new trope, Plot-centric Advertising or Frankie's Blackberry, after the stupidity from ghost town back in February, As Google is used a lot to solve a social problem.
Conveniently the women who knocked down Dave is the mother of the boy who found the meteorite.
Of Course she fucking is!
JUST HOW WORSE CAN MEET DAVE GET? WILL SATANICOSTRICH CALL ENLIGHTENED TOWERS HIS HOME? ALL THIS PLUS THE REVEAL OF THE MYSTERY REVIEW IN AUGUST NEXT TIME ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!
IF YOU WHAT MORE OF ME REVIEWING HEAD OVER TO PATHOFENLIGHTMENT.BLOGSPOT.COM FOR WWE PAYBACK RESULTS.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)