Halloween special 2025: Cassandra Episodes 1-3

 As I said last year,  The Horror Channel's Rebranding to Legend Muddied The Waters on Losing it's Genre Specific Identity. 

Granted, There are Still Horror Films on the Former Horror Channel, but in a Haystack of Other 3 star or lower films, you have to delve through Romcoms, Christmas Romcoms, Modern Westerns and Whatever Crap Nic Cage Does to pay his Backtaxes.

However, there is a service that I've gotten in recent months, a tool that also allowed me to continue being a Wrestling Writer, is also a treasure trove for Reviewers.

Netflix.

In fact, Since February's Unfrosted, I've being using the months I don't review WWE over on Enlightened Towers, I poll my readers on Twitter (for now) on what I should review next, So I've Decided, and don't take this personally, to take the power out of your Hands, Temporarily.

Ever since the First Poll, one of the options has being Cassandra, A German limited Horror series about a AI controlled house who after Receiving a new Family after 50 years becomes obsessive, Parasocial....and Maybe Deadly.

Only 6 episodes were made and, despite what I said last month that I will review 4 episodes, I will instead review the first HALF, And who knows? If you want me to finish it, I'll make it an option for it in a poll down the line.

So like all Netflix Originals, I'm going in blind, this is 2025's Halloween special, Cassandra Episodes one to three. 

THE FOLLOWING SERIES IS RATED 15 FOR BLOOD, GORE, VIOLENCE, SUICIDE, SEX AND NUDITY, WHICH WILL BE DOWNPLAYED,  DISCRIMINATION AND LANGUAGE WHICH WILL BE CENSORED. THERE WILL ALSO BE A TRIGGER WARNING BEFORE A SCENE OF A SCHOOL SHOOTING! DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

Episode 1

A Fresh Start

We open with a Man Driving at night, Smoking a Cigarette with his radio at full Blast on a Heavily forested country road, until he uncovers a Traffic Accident. Panicking, he finds the Driver Slumped dead on The bonnet after being Forced through the Windshield.

K*LL COUNT:1

The Man is further Startled by a Bang on the back window, the man opens the car door to rescue a young woman and a newborn baby. He asks the victim what happened, and she points to something off screen, as the baby cries when the man turns to see a Robotic Body with a Screen for a Head.

Flash forward 50 years to now and a Family moving into a new house. Well, I say "new" I mean new address. The house they are moving into is a Retro Technology house, a style the mother is into....though there is another reason for the move. The Couple's children, a Teenage Son named Finn, and a young girl named Juno get out of the car to explore, only to see sheets covering the Furniture, Grasping a Teddy for comfort, Juno sees the landline telephone is disconnected and finds a elevator. Her brother finds Juno and frightens her a bit, before the mother, Sam, finds them both.

Sam exposits that this one of the first "Smart Homes"  before they went out of style. Explaining Further that every room has a TV screen in Communicado with An AI. Or would if the power was restored, hence the telephone being down. 

So Finn elects to switch the AI Server back on. However, this is not as simple as turning on WiFi, the House is powered by a Server more Akin to a Post war Calculation Engine. Finn is called away by his father, so he doesn't see the ominous blinking red light. 

Dad (David) tell Finn the actual AI is Fifty years old,  So he Doubts it will even work. But once they fix this place up it'll be like a mansion,  because David has found a swimming pool at a steal of a price.

"And I'm sure, This pool will not be used to k*ll  you!"

Finn Uncovers the home's Robot, the one that from the first scene in the woods, and curious about it, tries to fix it for his sister, Sadly it doesn't turn on. Sam and David Discusses that their Daughter suffers from Night Terrors. But David says it's time with all the changes to Adapt, though Sam does tell Juno if she has a nightmare to still come to her room.

Finn was a Semi-Professional Musician despite still going to high school. Sam unpacks two photo frames that she places On her bedsit, one of Juno, the other of her and a woman. Seeing this makes Sam cry as this person is the reason for this move, I'll get to why later. Sam cries if she is doing the right thing, but David reiterates this is a change for everyone to start over.

In the Middle of night the Robot Reactivates. This is Cassandra, the AI that Runs the Smart House. Cassandra Fits the Bill of a Malfunctioning Retro Robot, Bright Red, Six foot but can extend her neck to be taller and Whisper Quiet, it has a shocking presence, It's Sillouette looks like a Women in a long dress with the head being a outdated 3 band technicolor tv which is how she interacts physically with people. Interaction with Cassandra is jarring because it lags while it computes a command, as if you don't know if it's taking it's time to understand or feigning malfunction to calculate a move. And that's done by design. 

Cassandra, when she activates, calls out for a "Peter" she then does a systems check to regain control of the house, Her face materializes onto every screen in the house. In the kitchen every piece of Appliance Bends to her control. In the pool room, Cassandra finds A mouse, and Crushes it under her Wheeltrack.

K*LL COUNT: 2

Finally Cassandra does finishes her rounds in Juno's Room, Naturally the Child who suffers Nightmares starts screaming when a Seven Foot Vacuum cleaner with a TV for a Head appears from nowhere! The family alerted goes to Juno's room. Cassandra Explains she was only Following her Programming. The Shock quickly turns to excitement when Finn wants to tinker with Cassandra's Server to see what the Smart House can really do.

In the morning,  Cassandra wakes the Family with Singing at 6am....Which I'm sure doesn't get old real quick! In the Garden, Cassandra stands with Juno who had found the Dead Mouse. Gaslighting the Child that the Rodent died of old age, She Proposes they have a funeral for it. The Robot asks Juno if she's ever being to a funeral, the child tells the Robot the reason they Moved is because Aunt Cathy, the woman in Sam's photo, committed Sui**de.

Another Red Flag is Raised when Cassandra says Sui**de Happens when "Someone Dies Because they Are Weak!", Angering Young Juno. Seeing the Funeral at a distance, Sam is worried that Juno making friends with an Appliance is not what she envisioned. 

Juno Doesn't want to go to School and it doesn't help that Cassandra seems to undermine Sam as a mother. As David heads to work and drops the kids to school,  the car passes a Poorly Marked Traffic Blindspot.

At High School Finn's Class goes to a rocky Start when,  not only his he the only Black student in the village, but the teacher makes the mistake of pointing out he is a straight A student right on front of the class Top Dog, Steve, who is being punished for his tardiness by helping Finn catch up. As Sam tries the pool, Cassandra is using a Lawnmower function in the Garden.  That's when the robot's  blades mows into a large stone that flies through the air, and into the small of Sam's back. It's an accident for now,  but the lack of Compassion from the Program's Voice makes Sam Suspicious. 

Sam Learns David Commanded Cassandra to mow the lawn, Not Thinking this Accident was a possibility,  however the Robot did try to call a doctor and the blades only come out on Human Voice Command so that's something!

Meeting Juno's Teacher, she's worried that she'll need time to adjust, Especially after a family death. She suggests to the parents that Juno joins an after School Club. Meanwhile, under the naïve assumption Steve wants to study at his house,  Finn brings him to his home. The Planned Home Invasion will have to wait as Steve is shocked by Cassandra, who clams up when the bot is rude to her. Steve is p*ssed the fridge has no alcohol in it. Cassandra let's it slip the smart house has a bar Setting. 

David wants Juno to Join an After school class to have her back to her old talented self, But Sam is worried with the Club's Christmas show seven weeks away will only put pressure on Juno.

Meanwhile our two teen Meatbags find a Secret Bar Room that was blocked by Cardboard Boxes, Steve is Leading on Finn by pretending to be Gay, as free Bar or not, Steve came here with Bad Intentions. 

More Red Flags are Raised When Cassandra plays her Karaoke Mode and all the Song Lyrics she picks for Juno to sing all have decidely Yandere vibes. Cassandra praises Juno, but Cassandra Twists Sam's words to make her sound Like she won't let Juno join the music club.

Later at Dinner, Sam Learns Cassandra has Multiple Arm Attachments to help with cooking.

And no doubt she has one for tenderizing Dead Meat!

Juno wants to join the Music Club. Sam is worried for her Daughter, but she gets upset that her own mother thinks she is embarrassed by her!

In her Bedroom, Sam comforts her child saying she knows she is not a woman that can solve every problem, but nothing will ever happen that will make Juno think she has to become that person. Later Sam calls out David for pitting her against Juno, because of their private conversation, not realizing of course, none of their conversations have been private since moving here. Finn wants to make Twitter friends with Steve, only to learn he has already blocked him.

Sam while packing finds a lockbox full of Photo Slides. Finding a projector, She looks at Family photos of the previous family, the wife in the slides bares an uncanny resemblance to Cassandra, we see a flashback 50 years ago to the previous family, when Sam asks it who she was, Cassandra says nothing to answer the question.  When Sam retires for the night,  Cassandra watches the remaining Slides, and in a quick fit of anger, Causes the Entire living room to be set on fire by overloading electricity into the sockets, Concluding Episode 1!

Episode 2

"Who Am I?"

We open episode 2 with the aftermath of the fire Cassandra caused to cover up her past. After the Fire David Finds a wine Bottle, And Blames Samira ("Sam") For Starting the Fire, Cassandra Collaborates her logues to David to further Undermine Samira. But why is she like this?

Maybe the following flashback to 1971 will shed some light on the situation.

As Cassandra when she was alive,  looks at her Son Peter playing soccer as her husband Horst, A military scientist smokes and looks ashamed at his son. Cassandra Suggests that if Horst has time to light up, he has time to play with his son. Horst kisses his wife and jokes that "She Does Everything! "

However, Horst is a Toxic Male, and when he finds out the Boy was only a sub in a winning match, Horst answers Peter genuine appeal to not knowing why he isn't a Starter by assaulting Peter with a Soccer ball .

Peter Runs off with Cassandra in hot pursuit in the Rain into the Forest. We learn Peter is only on the Soccer team because of Horst's Financial Backing of the team, and boy, doesn't the rest of the team let him know about it on a regular basis, and riding it out to prove his worth is not yielding the results he wanted.

Back in the present, and it only took a week for Sam to Tire of Cassandra's Singing. In the Bathroom Juno is Brushing her teeth, as Cassandra gives her some Encouragement. 

David Drops Finn at high school when Steve arrives to Brown-nose his would be Burglary victims, Expositing that David is a Crime Writer,  it also turns out David's Books are less Holmes&Watson, and more Mills&Boon! Embarrassing Finn that his father's books are little more than Smut. Finn is Set up as a Cheater when has Steve has him do his homework, his leading on the Gay classmate working since the last episode. 

We now learn that Samira is A Sculptor, when she gets a face time call from her Therapist,  Mina, showing her the house and letting go her "Sister's" Death, telling her doctor that they use to fight and steals boys from each other. One time Cathy trapped her in a closet and that's why she has Claustrophobia. 

FORESHADOWING!

Here is where Mina says something really strange, something that does get explained away later,  But she says of Cathy "I'm glad you didn't meet her til much later" Which is a strange thing to say about a Sister....unless.....

Sam is Suddenly Startled by strange Radio noises.  Cassandra leads Samira to a pantry to get her some potatoes from a top shelf.

Forgetting that the Robot can grow an extra foot by Shifting her armour just a few days ago after showing her, Sam gets Trapped in a small space, like an Idiot! Cassandra swaps out a hand for a circular sawblade and cuts Bread while whistling to drown out Samira's pleads for help.

Back in Time, Human Cassandra is on the phone with Horst, who tells her will be working late, he also let's slip her has a female Secretary called Hilda. And whilst doing the Laundry, Cassandra finds red lipstick on her husband's shirt collar.

Fearing an Affair, Cassandra does a 180 on Peter leaving the Soccer team, Telling Her son you don't leave when things get difficult. She tells Peter he has to do better, but realizing she sounds like Horst, she Apologizes. So instead like the dutiful wife she is, she packs a stew into Tupperware for her Husband to Confront him about this affair. 

In the present, David Returns home and saves Samira from the locked Pantry. But Cassandra Cunningly deactivated the lock to make it seem like Samira was Hysterical. Looking right at the Android feigning concern, she smiles because she knows what Cassandra is up to.

Also Growing a backbone is Finn who is P**sed that Steve used him for straight As he could easily get on his own. It may seem like maybe Steve is in the closet and his feelings are Genuine.

Samira tells David, She told Mina about her Claustrophobia and David Comforts her and tells her to,  For the sake of their kids,  keep it a secret, to quote,  "not worry about it ". Samira almost corrects David by asking  "Not to Worry about...Who?"

In the 1970s, Human Cassandra goes to The Lab Horst works at to "Surprise " Her Husband with Leftovers with the intention of Discovering an Affair with his Secretary.  She uncovers there is an Affair going on with a lab tech and his secretary,  But running into a restricted  area when she is caught, she finds something much worse!

Unethical Animal Experiments to cheat death with Cyberization and Brain capacity download  as computer data. Learning Helga is a somewhat overweight woman compared to Cassandra, Horst smiles realizing the true crux of this visit, But if Horst is not having an affair with his coworker, then who?

Back in the present, David is annoyed his books have been criticised as borderline porn even being lauded by whatever the Literature version of the Razzies are (....And Somehow he didn't know this?) Cassandra Is Pitting the Parents against each other once again when she let's slip that David didn't buy any wine, making out he still blames Samira for the Fire. He doesn't get a kiss when Samira leaves for art Supplies. In the car, she calls Bose Realtors and Asks about Cassandra, But because Cassandra was only a wife in a generation the men claimed ownership, only Horst's details was kept on file. Samira sees Cassandra through the Rear view mirror. She gets a Forwarding address for a Peter Schmidt only to learn he is deceased. She drives off with Cassandra just staring at the car intently.

In Finn's bedroom, he and Steve are goofing off. Finn sings a song about his attraction to The Actor Tom Holland. Steve asks him if he misses the city. Finn says he won't have to, he's already 18, once he graduates he can go back. Steve comments that living here must be hard for "People like him". Finn corrects Steve by saying living in the countryside is hard "For People Like US!" That's when Juno comes in and wants to show off what she learned at Music Club.

With everyone busy with work or homework and Samira playing Detective, Juno is putty in Cassandra's interchangeable hands! 

Samira's Phonecall leads her to City Archives, finding 3 volumes of Horst Schimdt's life and career as a Researcher with a minor in Architecture.

We Cut to the Swimming pool being used to off a character, but it's Juno up for the chop...PSYCHE! Not even a horror this predictable would dare to k*ll a child as a twist! Cassandra gives Juno legitimate Swimming lessons. She makes it very clear that that Sculptor is a Nice Hobby for a woman, But "a Woman's Real Job is to be a wife and mother!"

Wow!

Horst should have rented this house to Andrew Tate!

Samira Finds Cassandra's Death Certificate,  Claiming she Died in 1972 from a Short Illness. She puts it all together, the car crash we saw in episode 1, the victim and Survivor were Horst and his paramour who he had a baby with. Cassandra meanwhile illuminates the pool with rainbow LED lights to protect Juno's feelings. 

As all this is going on, Finn and Steve are about to kiss when Cancelledbot nearly fries a circuit to announce Samira's Arrival.

At Dinner, things are less tense than what they were last episode. Though Juno is now schtum about what She did today after all she's tired showing Cassandra. So to lighten the mood, Sam sets a family game of Bottecelli, Juno wants Cassandra to play, So Juno Innocently writes "Mama" on a post-it note and sticks it on the Robot's screen head, using her cameras in the living room, she reads Samira's name and the automaton's plan to smear Samira's name commences by pointing out she is a drunk. When Cassandra asks "Am I a working woman" and Juno says no, Parroting what Cassandra said to her. Cassandra breaks the news about the Panic attack, causing  Samira to storm out, 

In David's office where his wife, Covering a screen. She tells him Cassandra is a lot more than Programming and Algorithms, What she just did was a planned and Deliberate Emotional Blackmail, she then shows David something outside, the traffic Blindspot and the names on the Crosses-Horst and Peter Schmidt. 

K*LL COUNT: 3

And the News report on the Car Crash, and whose front and centre, but Cassandra. Now, in the world that we live in, this would be enough to convince a smart person,  but remember, Genre Rules Apply here and David doesn't believe her, this is when it's finally revealed "Aunt Catherine " was in fact an Affair partner that Both Parents agreed on. 

In 1971, at a night out with a Neighbouring couple, the wife of the other couple, Birjette who we now know as the Survivor of the crash, reveals she is pregnant, as Horst stares at her. Cassandra Susses it out that she is the woman her husband is having an affair with, she cries then and there, with Birjette thinking they are happy tears. In the women's restroom. It's revealed Cassandra had a Stillbirth, a Symptom of her soon to be Terminal Illness. In no uncertain terms Cassandra tells her neighbour she knows,  Though it goes over Birjette's Head. And seeing her Friend with the same shade of lipstick only confirms it.

In the Future the Aftermath of the failed Game Night is Affecting everyone. Finn reaching out to Steve and Juno worried about Mama. As Samira tries to have a bath, Cassandra tells her everything she learned about her life is true, and the only reason she is telling her this, is that she's about to k*ll her! Locking her in the bathroom with the Robot body, Cassandra causes another panic to finish Episode 2 on a Cliffhanger. 

Episode 3

Endgame 

Rather than jump straight into the conclusion of the Cliffhanger, we see Finn face time Steve and comments his pajamas makes him look like Ebenezer Scrooge, while David is Reading A Scary Fairytale to Juno, Only to find she had fallen asleep whilst he read a violent and descriptive scene. 

Cassandra, Rather than kill Sam outright, instead decides to play with her food a little longer. So she alerts David to "Save" her from the bathroom, all the while, Sam screams to Shut Cassandra down, and Finn who also heard the Screams Shuts down the Server. Before the complete shutdown, Cassandra tries to make a grab at Juno. Naturally the Young girl is Traumatized. 

Samira tells David Exactly what Cassandra said before the attack and now he believes her...He didn't when there was photographic proof of the Robot in the forest at the same time as a crime scene....BUT NOW HE BELIEVES HER(!)

Wait, No, David decides to turn Cassandra back on,  because he's an idiot!

They turn see Finn who tells his parents that on the night Cathy Died, he couldn't sleep because of it, and he had a vivid nightmare of something banging his 9 Storey high bedroom, when he pulled over the curtain, there was Aunt Cathy screaming to be "Let Out", Finn Said Afterwards he picked himself off the Floor in a Cold sweat-Maybe this family just have a history of Sleep deprived waking nightmares.

Or maybe...Finn saw something he wasn't supposed to see.

In 1971, Human Cassandra is having her hair done at home, when Horst in Military Attire serves her some coffee. He let's her know, that Birjette (the woman he made pregnant) will be coming over this weekend, with both thinking the other doesn't know what they both know. Peter has a game tonight and it's the same time as the Government meeting.  Besides, his weak little second String son isn't worth his time! Cassandra tells Horst the Truth, that the team resents Peter for being the Financer's Son, so maybe use that influence to have Peter be a Starter for the match. 

And So Peter gets a Starting Spot in a Match where the winning team gets league promotion and there are Bundeslige and college scouts in attendance on the same day. 

It works as Badly as you think, with Horst leaving after Five minutes. 

After The Match, Peter Susses out His mother has a hand in this. But Maybe it's not so bad, afterall Some other subs come up and offer that they hang out in a supply shed to drink away the pain, He refuses the Underage Drinking because Mam is right there, But Cassandra Grabs Him and says it's one thing to fail, it's another to run from it! Cassandra calls over the boy's to tell them he'll be coming-AND WHAT CAN POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Back in the Present Samira and David are in bed, it's another morning, only for Samira to learn from Hearing Cassandra's morning Song, that David Vetoed his wife's concerns and opted to put her Back in Therapy!

Though Finn is not as Naive as his sister or as stupid as his father! He wants his mother to call if Cassandra does or say anything to her, not if anything happens, but specifically involving Cassandra!

David is in the Swimming pool when he asks Cassandra for a towel, Samira's new Tactic is to flat out ignore Cassandra. The Duplicitous Device sees David Naked and She likes what she sees. Maybe David is starting to believe that Cassandra is more than Conversation Prompts and Algorithms, her screen is practically Fogged Up!

Finn tries to get Steve to admit publicly admit he's gay, But the reputation in the Town of Village will be destroyed If he did. Finn says there will be people who will Support this and they kiss.

In Therapy the Doctor gets to the Bottom of Cathy's death. And I'm Sorry, But that "I'm Glad You didn't Meet her til later" Line is really confusing me! Like We Know that Cathy/Samira/David had a Open relationship and the family knew of her, to the Extent that the children called her "Aunt" Cathy, But now Samira is telling this new Doctor she is her sister, which either means, she's only telling the doctor they are sisters and it's a lie, or THEY REALLY WERE SISTERS. AND IF THEY WERE REALLY SISTERS, THEN DOES THAT MEANS THE "DIDN'T MEET HER TIL LATER"LINE WAS A MISTRANSLATION FROM THE ORIGINAL GERMAN?

So the new Doctor tells her she is suffering from Self-Blame, She can't get Comfortable in this new house because Cathy k*lled herself in the old one. She needs to Be on The offensive and take Control of her life.

AND GODDAM DOES SHE EVER!

Samira lays down the law to the AI. Sure it''ll bite her in the a*s later and No doubt this is possible foreshadowing to Either Samira's attempted or actual Murder, But she tells her this is her House now, Cassandra  just cleans it! Whoever "Cassandra Schmidt" was, she's dead and this Robot is not her anymore! That It's Her who will comfort her Children and make love to her husband because she is a flesh and Bone Woman and Cassandra is just a machine!

Back in 1971, We see the results of Cassandra's Past Mistakes. First Horst used his Government Work as a Cover to see Birjette. Then she hears a car swerving outside at speed. Running out she sees her Son tossed from a moving Sedan into the street, Beaten up for Costing the team League Promotion, Professional fame and Scholarships. Cassandra Runs a Bath and tends to his wounds. She promises to keep it a secret from Horst, as calling the police will Ostracize the family against the whole town who only have The local Sportsball as a way out!

It turns out they did more than just beat up Peter, which is why Cassandra doesn't want people to know.

In the 21st Century, Peter has Writer's Block, So he's surprised to hear Cassandra Read his books, So YAY! David cops on that Cassandra is Sentient, But BOO! For David for using Cassandra for like a Parasocial ChatCPT! Especially when Cassandra says she wants to quote "Inspire Fantasies"

At High School, after ignoring Finn in a game of Basketball,  The Couple have their first fight, they kiss and make up but when someone walks in on them,  Steve Punches Finn in the mouth to Save Face. 

That night Juno sings for her mother, a night before the school play auditions. Juno is taking part but there is a more talented Girl called Emily who will no doubt take the lead. Samira Proposes to spite Cassandra for speaking, to have Christmas in the mountains this year, to starve the Egotistical Programme of Attention.  Then She Sees Finn with a Bursted Lip, and that's when Cassandra announces Steve is at the door.

Distracted by this, Samira leaves Juno with Cassandra,  Who sings to the robot, who locks the door and Bends the girl's ear on how to get the Part over Emily. 

"Have you ever Heard of Toyah Harding, Juno?"

"I'm Six, so....No~?

"GOOD!"

And the plan involves something hidden in The master bedroom floorboards, specifically "Under Mommy's bed'

In the past, because of the Trauma of the attack, Peter's Grade Suffered, And Cassandra has being to a parent teacher meeting.  Outside Peter has being Accosted by his 3 attackers, When The Ringleader threatens him with more to come, It looks like Peter will have to take action.

That night, Cassandra calls Peter For Dinner she made, despite the Oven being on the Blink. (FORESHADOWING FOR EPISODE 4!) Only to See Peter's Bedroom window open. Cassandra hears the front door open. Descending the Stairs, she sees Peter in the living room, standing with his back turned. When he does turn, Peter is covered in blood, and holding an Automatic Gun. Muttering that "He's Not a Victim anymore!"

K*LL COUNT: 6

In Finn's Bedroom, Steve Apologizes for Reacting wrongly, But Finn is Still Upset about being Punched, with Cassandra reacting in the background. Steve goes in for a Kiss, But Cassandra asks Steve to leave, with the monitors eying up the Teenager as he does. 

Samira Goes to the bedroom and sees the Bed has being moved, and finds a Picture of a Pregnant Human Cassandra, and a Young Peter.  Cassandra Robot is Chopping carrots when she pursues Steve with knife Attachments outside.  Samira Confronts Cassandra about Her past life's Miscarriage, meanwhile Robot Cassandra warns Steve to stay away from "Her Son'. As the Screen Glitches, Cassandra has a break down when challenged and the whole house deactivates. 

In the 1970s, Cassandra Demands her son to Strip and destroy the evidence of his murders. So she Drives to the Shed where the three players drink to remove the bullets from their bodies, Because for what Cassandra has planned, It's because Bullets won't melt in the fire she is going to Commit, and as she Drives away, she Happily Sings along to the Radio.

TRIGGER WARNING FOR SCENES OF SCHOOL SHOOTING!

Cassandra Reboots and Feigns ignorance. The next day at the Auditions, Juno Brandishes The Same Auto Peter used to K*ll, that Human Cassandra hid under the the floorboards of the master bedroom. The last thing we see is the School corridor, and the last things we hear in Episode 3 are Juno's Nervous singing, A Shot and People's Screams before the sound is cut by the Credits! 

And That will do it for the first 3 episodes. I'm sorry for ending this on a Cliffhanger myself,  but the last 3 episodes will be a option on the January poll on my Twitter account. Next month, a forgotten classic, Room.

CREDITS 

Cassandra Episodes One to Three were Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham

With Media from :

Cassandra

Merenghi's Darkplace

Cassandra was Produced by Rat Pack Films For Netflix.

All Media used belong to their Respective Owners. All Rights Reserved!

Halloween Special 2024: Eye of the Beast

 Here we are with the Halloween Special, where it's Customary on this website to delve into the Very Worst of Sky's Freeview Horror and Sci-fi channels.

Only this year, we have a little Problem. 

Last winter, Horror channel, CBS Action and Thriller all rebranded as Legend, and widened their programming beyond their former identities' Niches, for good and bad, sure we can now spring for Hammer Horror and classics like Day Of The Triffids, But any bad Horror is lost in the shuffle of equally bad modern westerns, Mindless Shot-All-Dem-Dar-Russians Action Films and Cheesy Romance Films.

So yeah, this year, I Really had to delve my hand into the Celluloid Sewer to pull out Specific Crap from a sea of Crap!

But I still pulled a Turd out to be examined-And what can be better than a Former Big-Time TV Star from the most overrated AF show of the Late Nineties, punching Plastic Tentacles while stage hands dump water on you on a Shaky Sound stage?

Let's Dig into 2007's Eye of the Beast.

Watching this from a recording on Sky, so no review on artwork!

THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED PG, BUT THIS REVIEW IS WRITTEN WITH AN ADULT AUDIENCE IN MIND.

The film starts on the night of the Full Moon on a lake, where Cringy parody of CURRENT YEAR! Hip hop plays out, as two Stupid Sexy Teens in a Speedboat make out!

So the Stupid Sexy Teen Boy throws his trash into the water, which make the Stupid Girl not put out... for a minute! Until she hears a noise, so we get the Customary fake-out, until the real thing comes to kill our Hormonal Happy Meals on Legs, as a tentacle Drags down the Speedboat (The CGI clearly shows a Ship being crushed!) As the boy, Bobby cries out for Chrissy, who is no doubt dead!

Cut to the morning here in the lakeside town of Fell Island, as the Good looking female Sheriff exercises in preparation to having an action scene later. We cut to an empty pub, as a Fisherman tells his wife, the publican, he's picking up a scientist that's come to the island to investigate the drop of the Fish population, otherwise the local business will be in trouble. 

And so to the Sheriff's office, Chrissy's adult brother, Pete, who was the only family she had, reports her missing to Sheriff Kat who gives him the old 48 hour excuse (Which is a fabrication of Hollywood!)  But it seems Kat had a thing with him back in the day, something that has given her a bad reputation when any outsiders come to town.

Speaking of, we get the new Arrivals , a Family of pampered unlikable Tourists and our hero Dr James Van Der Guy from a Music Video! This is Fell Island, an armpit of Nowhere, in Ontario, Canada, That makes it's commerce via A struggling Fishing industry, lakeside Home-share real estate and "the Beast" as a local t-shirt peddler calling himself "The Capt'n" gets a rise out of the Tourists.

Dr Dan Leland (Van Der Beek) meets with the Sheriff who predictably enough, makes Goo-goo eyes at the PhD, only she doesn't want his PH, she only wants his.... I'LL STOP! 

He wants to get to business as soon as possible, much to the anger of Gunner, the fisherman we saw earlier. Kat exposits that the fishermen don't trust Any researchers as they in the Past were bribed by the fishing companies, who just want to up and leave the smaller islands in favour of bigger catches. They also believe the low numbers are because of the "Indians" who are exploiting Traditional Rights to overfish. (This film was made in 2007, so it was a different time!)

Gunner's Boat Brings them out to the middle of the lake, meanwhile we are back with our family of Yuppies having a walk at Lakeside, the father is snatched by a tentacle, while taking Pictures of stones- Being a City Slicker I'm sure the only grass and rocks he's seen are the kind sold in back alleys! 

Back on the boat, Dr Leland doesn't make himself anymore welcome, but since they are all R*cist on this Boat, why would he? Back at the Bar, all the Fishwives gossip, like they do and are Convinced Sheriff Kat puts herself out for the revolving door of Scientists to convince them to close down the cannery, as we learn the Fishing Company had it's hand in on the island's Game and Fishing Department and maybe they Should "Convince" Kat to be on their side, for once.

That night, Leland's sonar picks up something not moving in the water, they find the debris of Bobby's speedboat and a Unconscious Bobby. He startles back to life, rambling about a monster eating Chrissy, before he Dies from Hypothermia.

Leland examines the Debris and Finds not Bite marks, but spiral marks, like those from a tentacle, but nothing that big shouldn't exist, not in a cold freshwater land locked lake. He's worried but he makes the mistake of not telling the suspicious fisherman what he found.

Kat gets a Phonecall by the crew to retrieve Bobby's body for Autopsy. When Leland shows Kat the Debris that had Spiral Patterns, Kat accuses them all of evidence tampering, causing Gunner to let slip about "Giant Squid". Chrissy's Brother hears this and now knows his sister is dead.

Using Google Dr Leland matches the pattern to an image found on a whale, he's convinced there is a giant Squid in the waters surrounding them.

Leland and Kat get to know each other while searching for the missing Tourist and they find him- or at least, they find What's left!

Kat invites Leland for a drink that night, not helping the Rumours that she hooks up with all the Scientists for her bosses. Chrissy's family are native American, as is Kat. They are sitting at a table speaking to each other in their native tongue about taking revenge. When Dr Leland invites himself over to talk to them, his friendly actions causes a Fight between them and the Fishermen when the white men harangue the natives and steal their beers, but Leland and Kat break it up, meanwhile the "Capt'n" Finds Chrissy's leg while fishing, which is identified as hers at the police station, when Pete sees the  Bracelet he made for his sister, as a girl.

Kat Issues a Ban on Fishing which naturally doesn't go down well with the Fishermen, Who accuse the Native Sherrif of Favouring her "Own Kind". Dr Leland tries to make them see sense, except he's about as welcome as a Box Of Cancer too! So the Fishermen resolve to man the fishery themselves.

Kat showing both warring parties the Tourist's Torso and Kat's Leg Convinces them neither is at fault for their deaths, Meanwhile Gunner's Crew, Noah and Spider have Stolen Debris to sell to the likes of "Capt'n" or anyone who will pay good money on the existence of "The Beast", Much to Dr Leland's Falling credibility when he issues a report to his Superiors, who are not Convinced and drag up his Daddy Issues, (It was mentioned the older Dan Leland is like the Superstar of Marine Biology!)

In the Bar, despite the doctor being Persona Non Gratia, They Serve him, However Mrs Jen Gunner exposists that Kat "saw" a Lake Monster "kill" her father and she never got over her delusion, citing it as the reason she wants the Fishery Closed Down. Kat has opted to take time off, just as Dawson explains how Deep we are Up this Creek!

Kat brings Leland to her house and sure enough, she is obsessed with Giant Squid, But it's not enough to convince his Bosses, even if they had proof, Then they would Protect the squid and Relocate everyone off the island. 

At the same time the Gunners Contemplate their future...when a CGI Tentacle give them both a pat on the back! In their panic, Jen throws her husband's knife to him and he cuts off the tentacle...Well There's Your Proof!

Gunner Throws the tentacle Onto the table at the bar as the local Yokels have more Slack in their Jaws than usual! Leland sees this, and with a handful of squid blood goes to Kat to convince her to either stop the creature or Gunner and his men from leading a suicide mission!

So the Plan is to Stop Gunner by using their collective knowledge to convince the fisherman how inadequate his equipment are, So Kat wants Gunner and his men to team with the Natives.

So the Film devolves into Night-time B-roll and Plastic Tentacles hitting actors Splashed by Buckets of water by an offscreen stagehand.

The plan is to use the Squid's Naturally Emitted ammonia which it uses to regulate it's body temperature. If they can keep it near the surface it'll overheat itself!

So Let's Wrap this up!

The Squid Destroys the Engines of Gunner's Ship, Not to Attack it, But to stop them from rescuing the Native Ship, who are picked off one by one, by plastic Tentacles and the ship is crushed by the same animation that crushed the speedboat-And they are next! Leland has a plan B-Just plain electrocute the dahm thing with Wires and Harpoons, The beast kills Noah and Spider, it Drags Gunner but finds Kat Gunner has Rigged the Device to Blow, but his escape route is blocked, the Giant Squid reveals itself as Kat gets her Revenge by Harpooning it right in the eye, Gunner flips the switch as the electrified Squid falls back into the depths, now dead, But for romantic drama, Fishing lines tie around Kat's foot and Pulls her into the water, and she nearly drowns, if not for Dr Leland saving her and they Kiss in the water as Gunner rolls his eyes, and So the Sun Rises On Fell Lake, With our Heroes making plans to get the hell outta dodge before there are talks of a sequel! 

NOT BAD, NOT REMARKABLE EITHER!

Due to the limited Technology of 2007, and The Reputation of Canada's Film Board, this film naturally has little resources going into it! The smart choice Was to write this script in the Godzilla Method: Tease the Creature's appearance, Focus on the Human Drama caused by the presence of this creature and make it believable, like having a creature terrorise a fishing town causing it's citizens to turn on each other and blame outsiders!

It all falls apart in the 3rd act, where the action is moved from Scenic Ontario to a sound stage, where Van Der Beek, The Cameraman from Power rangers Dino Thunder and a few soap actors fight rubber tentacles as stage hands shake the platform they are standing on! While the CGI hasn't aged well, these 2000s era Sci-fi channel original movies of this calibre have some charm!

 CREDITS

Eye of the Beast was reviewed, compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham

With media from

Jontron

Eye Of the Beast.

Eye of the Beast was Produced for Syfy (then called Sci-fi Channel) by RHI and Sonar Entertainment

All rights reserved. All media used belong to their respective owners. 

NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE

"When I Was Young....I was a famous Brother...."

"...And Now, I'm Not even That Anymore!"

Next Month we go through the True story of the Famed Von Erich Family of Wrestlers, a clan who are were blessed with god-given talent and cursed with Tragedy that would tear their world apart! As we ring the bell and Tussle with The Iron Claw!

HALLOWEEN SPECIAL 2022: BATTLESTAR WARS

 Once Upon a Time...

In a Galaxy Far Far Away....

So Far In Fact, That Disney could not send out any of their Lawyers!

So we Open with a Non-Copyrighted Text Scrawl BLAH BLAH BLAH Evil Coalition of Planets BLAH BLAH BLAH Rebel Scum BLAH BLAH BLAH Secret planet destroying Weapon!

We Truly open with Generic 3D Ships with one boarded by the other after it was reported stolen by the Coalition. The thief, who tries to run is arrested by this Amalgamation of the Jedi and Stormtrooper costumes, The Rebel, Shoots the control pad to crash the ship! The Coalition agent requests back up but is refused. The Rebel, Corbrine, tells him that the Coalition has lied to the Paladins for Eons.

The Storm-Jedis are called "Paladins"

"WHAT'S A PALADIN?"

The Rebels want a planet free of war. A planet hidden and spoken in Legend. The Paladin exclaims there is no such planet in this Sector!

And here is where we get the "Battlestar" in BATTLESTAR WARS!

The Hidden Planet is Earth.

The Rebel Pleads his case, but the paladin tries to request his terms of surrender, but the orders are kill Rebels on Sight. This makes the Paladin Sacrifice himself as he tells Corbrine to take as many Refugees he can and put them on his ship to get to planets surface, The ship explodes with a force Effect also descending to Earth.

Title Drop and so does my Expectations. As the screen tells us that this is a film by the Asylum, World Famous Rip-off Merchants!

2 years later.

The Same Rebel, has embarked onto a bigger ship, manned by a female Captain called Ajax, who thinks Corbrine is getting sloppy delivering Supplies to Haven, as Earth is called here! Ajax has a Chewbacca, or rather, a low Budget Chewbacca as a Muscleman wearing Chewie's Bandolier and a Viking Beard Growls his line that he is A Novak, a warrior race with no naming conventions who Once killed 2000 of his Kind to prove worthy of joining the Rebels.

Meanwhile on the Coalition ship, (not that you can tell, they use 4 sets in all and both ship quarters and bridge for both sides are the exact same 2 sets) We meet our real Hero, Princess Reystara (yes Really,) who fixes her android called Helper, is the C3PO of this world, because she has a British Accent! She can also teleport, a special Effect done to death. She is also an android, not a robot, because it saves on Costumes!

Reystara has a Secret, but since this is a star wars rip-off, they Spare us what it is, when a Cross between Boba Fett and Baldrick from Blackadder tells her that her father requires to see her.

The Empire has being Searching for  Haven as Not-Boba meets with Lord Malicesaur, a John Barrowman look alike in a red Bathrobe. (Yes, I can see that his name is Different, but in the film, They pronounce it As "Malicesaur", because no one is professional at all, to commit to the piece, even if it's garbage!)

You know what?

 Lord Malicesaur is too cool a name for a yob like you, you are Lord Bathrobe from now on! Also the ship is manned by other Helpers. It saves on hiring more actors.

Corbrine and Ajax argue about the events of the opening scene, how a Thousand refugees were left to die, because they were caught by a Paladin, and Ajax did Nothing with the Freighter he now stands in. So Corbrine invites Ajax to Haven, who believes she killed the Paladin and she was feeling guilty of it. So she asks why she is given this second chance.

Corbrine tells her that they found a Miracle Do-Everything Material called Mana, But they can't Retrieve it all on their Meager Ships, which is why they need a Freighter. And with it, they can trade Mana to turn haven from a backwater planet to a Real Civilization.  

But it turns out Ajax and her Crew have turned Traitor. Meanwhile Lord Bathrobe tells Baldrick Fett to fetch his daughter to watch Daddy Work. But Reystara sends a hologram Of her as she and Helper plan there Escape. Baldrick Fett Exposits that she must be A little sad her Home planet is to be Destroyed or she hasn't targeted him in pranks out of  Passive Aggression, so he doesn't notice that the Hologram doesn't emote.

If her Actress did, she would be over qualified for this gig!

Reystara and Her Helper Unit use an Escape Pod to get to Haven, Lord Bathrobe sends a hammy speech to the people of Haven and tells his Scruffy robed Toady, Zelus (YES, REALLY!) to Set a Blockade around the planet, no ships in or out!

Ajax and Novak rob Corbrine blind of his mana, So Reystara and Helper, using a voice changer to sound like Bathrobe,to fake an official arrest to rescue the rebels. Reystara tells the rebel Leader who's side she's on but warns that The Coalition army is looming, Corbrine tells the princess that they don't have an army! The rebels are Orphans, widows, farmers, at best a few weapon smugglers, but none that can compete with the Coalition's Army. But they do have the Paladin, the only trouble is the Paladins swear undying loyalty to the Coalition. And he is in hypersleep after the Fight they had 2 years ago.

Distracted by Malicesaur, Ajax is told that he gave no such order to his daughter, Our 3 heroes retrieve Corbrine's Ship to return to Haven.

They Dock in an Abandoned Ship in an Asteroid belt to retrieve the Paladin from his pod, but he's still a little tender from his injuries.

Denz, to give his name, does know everyone and trusts Corbrine, though he does state he is an idiot, But doesn't fully extend his trust to Reystara, as out of his serfdom, he claims she is a traitor! He still wants to turn Corbrine In, But Reystara's Influence makes her able to override all of Denz' Weapons and traps! As a pod drops down to Haven Containing Ajax's Crew.

Reystara tells Denz peace was never an option, if her father sent an army to capture one ship. Bathrobe is surprised a Paladin is still alive, (Because lets add World-building as we go along!)

Zelus and Denz have a Dogfight so intense, Denz drops his English Accent for a Swedish One!

Meanwhile Ajax Sends Goons to kill Corbrine who get easily Killed.

So Reystara and Denz are on Haven, and like Luke and Obi-wan Before them they try to convince the other that The Emperor can be reason with.

Darth Vader was Disfigured and lost everyone he loved and Trusted because of his Ambition and his own actions to carry out said ambitions, he is a Vulnerable shell of a man covered in a cold unfeeling, terrifying facade-"He is more Machine Than Man"

Lord Bathrobe is a guy who looks like John Barrowman in his Dressing room spouting lines like he's doing Shakespeare in a Community Theatre  

THEY ARE NOT THE SAME!

A few Lasers Shoot at Denz' Shield as Restraya finds a Few Child Actors who run off on Cue. The Rebel Ships fly off leaving Corbrine to be Captured by Novak. As Zelus Retrieves some kind of Paladin Weapon, which he tells Denz he stole from the many Paladins he killed, Denz is the last of their kind, seems like the Paladins caught wind of how oppressive the Coalition became and was wiped out in a coup 2 years ago. He also tells Reystara he killed her Mother for being a Pointwoman for the Rebels. They go to have a fight, but Helper teleports them away.

Back on Corbrine's Ship, Helper and the others set Coordinates to Ajax' Freighter. Denz doesn't trust the Pirates out of Principal and because they Betrayed them already! But instead of Rescuing Corbrine, they plan on Negotiating with her instead. But that might be off the table with  Corbrine having a bomb stuck to his chest. They get Thrown into a brig, but they forget about Helper, who Finds Corbrine and deactivates the bomb

When Ajax tries and Squeeze more Money out of Lord Bathrobe, he gets even more Huffy, and so Ajax Turns face more times than the Big Show! Helper Teleports to give Denz his Sword back to kill some Extras and Beats up Novak like a little Bitch!

So his Brag of killing 2000 of his kind now feels like bragging about killing a box of kittens if he is easily one shot by a Middle-aged Man with Broken Ribs!

The Pirates are Captured by the Coalition and made to talk, But Novak refuses and Requests his freedom via Trial By Combat. Zelus Exposists that Novak are a clone race bred as soldiers who Use Mass Slaughter to prove worthy of a leader-The fact that Novak has not Committed Ritual Suicide proves Ajax is still alive.

The Rebels Returns to Haven and Reystara is Knocked by Ajax doing her 1000th Betrayal in this film. Waking up Corbrine Shows Reystara to a cave where inside they show her the thing they are all fighting for- Pure Mana, a literal Final Fantasy Life Stream in a Cave. If the Coalition gets all this, all life is forfeit. 

Now to Tack on more Lore.

So All this Time, Reystara had Necklace made of Pure Mana, Which Corbrine calls a Traveler's Trinket, It can share a Memory and it can be seen as a video and Lo and Behold, they Recreate Leia's Message to Obi Wan, They even put an Actress in a Composite Costume of all the Costumes and Hair Styles Carrie Fisher Wore! And It's Solely Here to tie up loose Ends!

Denz Teleports behind Zelus to Ambush him, but the reentry causes him to Collapse, So Zelus Refuses to fight him, so instead blasts Haven's Abandoned Warehouse District with his Drones! 

Reystara and Corbrine who were knocked out by the Blast, wake to Smoke alarms, the Humans stagger to safety while Helper says she will hold off any intruders!

Zelus and Denz are ready to Fight, But Lord Bathrobe fires a Tractor Beam as Denz as  Zelus is returned to the Ship, where all our heroes have being captured off-screen! Reystara calls Zelus a Murderer who...Force Chokes her....BECAUSE WHY NOT?, LETS JUST STEAL EVERYTHING!

Lord Bathrobe gloats how very Smart and Very Evil he is as Zelus Force chokes Haven's Security codes out of Corbrine. As the Coalition starts extracting the core out of Haven.

So Lets Wrap this up!

Corbrine is Put in the Brig with the Pirates, Denz is Put in his Hypersleep pod where his protests wakes up a knocked out Ajax. Helper frees the prisoners and Reystara for one final attack. Because of all the Mana Ajax stole, Denz can boost his weapons, he teleports as Zelus goes to kill Reystara, but it's her who kills him as she shoots him through an airlock. Lord Bathrobe confesses to the Murder of his wife, So to his daughter, which he vows to kill like any other rebel. Rip-off X-wings blasts Generic 3d Spaceships (X-wings they shouldn't Have because they are supposed to be Farmers and Orphans!) The Core of the planet has Entered Space, But a Spaceship at Ramming speed can put the core back in place. Denz Volunteers to crash the Freighter into the Mana, But Since Helper is not Human, she has no qualms about sacrificing her non existent life.

And So the film ends with our Heroes with Our heroes Posing and vowing to take Down the Coalition as Ships and Meteors crash behind them.

"WE DID IT! WE SAVED HAVEN!"

As it turns out Zelus Is Shown to be Still alive in some Sequel Bait!

THIS IS A FILM BY THE ASYLUM! OF COURSE IT SUCKS!

Noone Actors! Free Use sfx! A Script stolen by a much better film! How do these Clowns Keep getting Away with this shit? But the Real Annoyance is That some characters have informed attributes, Zelus claims that Reystara has a sense of Humour that he is Victim of, well, Show us! Have her make Puns and one liners and snappy comebacks to the Enemies. Novak Is a from a Culture breed for Combat, whose Culture contains Unyielding Fealty and Ritual Slaughter of weaker Clones. Expand on that! But No, it's a 1 hour film, and the Asylum needs to film 5 more ripoffs before the day is over!

CREDITS

Battlestar Wars was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER -@REALENLI)

with Media from;

Battlestar Wars

Spongebob

The Spoony Experiment

Breaking Bad.

Battlestar Wars was created by the Asylum (And i use the term Created Loosely!) All Rights Reserved all Media used Belong to there Respective owners!

NEXT MONTH...

It is the Traditional Post-Halloween Pre-Christmas Dump! Where Tv Stations throw up there Hands and show Non-Christmas Family films that could be Unintentional Nightmare Fuel! Like my next review!-CLIFFORD THE BIG RED CGI MONSTROSITY....I MEAN DOG! 

Halloween Special 2021: The Jurassic Games

 HOOBOY, DO WE HAVE A STINKER ON HER LAPS, LADIES AND GENTS! 

High Octane Studios (Answers on a postcard!) Could not decide to rip off Jurassic Park, the Hunger games, Ready player one, or The Running Man. So they just stuck it all in a pot and served all we got!

But what have we got?

Well Let's Dig into This year's Halloween Special and the Worst Horror Channel has for us this year, This is The Jurassic Games (Reviewed from a tv airing, so no review of the boxart!)

After a Quote From George Carlin to make this film sound DEEP!, It's the Not-So Distant Future, and Society has devolved that the Justice system is treated like a reality show. Every year 10 Murderers are "Invited" to win their freedom, By competing for Survival, Hooked up to a Virtual Prehistoric World for the entertainment of Millions watching. They will have a virtual world experience that will progressively  become harder, causing the chance of death high! While in Reality, theIR body will die of Lethal Injection

...OR SOME SHIT!

Anthony Tucker is one such unfortunate "Contestant", Despite Pleading his Innocence in the Murder of his wife, he was found guilty, he jumps at the chance of being acquitted.

So the gameshow Host (In a sabretooth tiger mask, for some reason.) Exposists the rules to the wired murderers when they wake on an island, Round 1 is get to the safe zone. Each Convict has a collar around their necks. that will explode if they don't play fair or get timed out or last place. when they beep it gives the machine they are hooked to the signal to inject the toxins into the body! The First Round Starts now as a T-Rex comes out of the tree line to eat the most elderly Contestant!

As a family Watches from a Viewing Party (complete with Dinosaur Cookies and Gingerbread Prisoners!) The token Black guy and a small White trash man fight, with the Neo-Nazi biting the black man. The Host in the real World Tells us the Games is in four Stages, The first being chased by a t-rex, the second is a maze full of raptors, the 3rd is a minefield with Pterodactyls flying over Them, and a Mystery Finale, which is definitely not a one-on-one fight to the death. 

PPFFT! I MEAN IT'S NOT LIKE THIS ENTIRE FILM IS MADE OF CLICHES AND STOLEN IDE-OH!

Back in the game, Black Guy finds a female Inmate and plans to rape her, But Tucker arrives and after a fight concusses him with a rock. But the Girl takes the Same rock and finishes him off. Ok, so they are establishing that Tucker won't kill because he may not be a murderer in the first place, But that doesn't work in the context of this situation being a race to a safe zone. If he knocked out Black Guy long enough to him to lose, if he arrived last, HE WILL DIE ANYWAY! from the real world lethal Injection. But no go ahead with your weak world-Building!

In the Real World, Protests are Literally Muted by twitter feeds and Tucker's Children are interviewed, But they Don't believe their father killed their mother. After the interview the Reporter feel like Tucker is innocent....oH wELL, iTZ gUD fER rATINGZ HURRDURR! Tucker is attacked by the girl she just save as he gets choked not by a rope on the ground, But a Prehistoric Virtual Conveniently Placed Rope on the ground! She Taunts him about the murder. She kicks him hangs him off a tree. In a video Package, the girl, Sarah, suffers from Multiple Personality Disorder including the Murderous Persona, JOY!

Anthony is saved by Ren, the Token Asian Guy. The Reporter is doubting the Validity of the show. The Neo Nazi and a non-Descript White Guy, (turns out they are brothers with a Of Mice and Men Dynamic: a short, volatile, Mouthpiece who controls the Larger, stronger, Impaired Brother.) Surround the only Latino guy, "The Wasp". He promises that his cartel (Because of Course, the Latino guy is in a cartel) will pay to cure DERE MOMMA'S Cancer. The raptors attack the 3, but the host turns down the Wifi, making them Holograms in move to Make false tension for the people watching!

The 2 Dirty White Boys team with the wasp, of course if the Wasp wins outright they will die. But that MOMMA! Gets the Chemo, it''ll be worth it "DO IT FER MOMMA, LIL' BROTHER!" (No really, the Mason brothers get no first names, they are really credited as "Big Brother and Little Brother) However, for a jumped up Racist who bites Minorities, the Small one realizes that if he's so connected, how the fuck Did the wasp get caught in the first place.

However The host callously tells the viewers that Ma Mason is already dead! and uses it as a feed line to Announce stage 2 the maze.

8 contestants enter the safe Zone. When Tucker sees Sarah, he charges to attack and the Producer presses a button on the console to knock all 8 out!

Leading to a Action figure ad that reveals the names of the other contestants. The other Man is Albert who is allegedly a cannibal, and the dumpy sour faced woman with the Saoirse Ronan haircut is Stephanie.

When they come to, they are in a circular room, each with one arm chained to a railing! The host explains that the game is for a spot prize: A GUN! Each contestant must finish a touch screen maze, to remove the chain's robotic locks. Albert, wins the gun and shoots its off, smashing Ren's Screen. Tucker is freed next and disarms the gun from Albert. Turns out there is a Physical maze to escape in the next room as the raptors materialized in the Room. with no way of finishing the maze, Ren snaps of his chain to fend off the Dinosaurs with Martial arts because of course, All Asians Know Martial Arts! bit it's all in vain. Ren gets Eaten and 8 becomes 7.

Crawling Out of a Grate, Albert Attacks Tucker for the Gun he won. But there is no Ammo Left. Because Stephanie exited the Physical Maze First, (And because she has had no character Development yet!) She is Given a map to Supplies by the Host. Albert tries to attack her, But the Mason's get the map before he does. You Know what? For A gameshow where all the contestants are murderers, Stephanie seems like she can't handle a punch. Given as we are told the Dumpy plain girl is supposed to be a Black Widow style killer in video package, though Reporter calls Bullshit on it. The Producer is giving an interview to defend her show: BLAH BLAH BLAH...WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY!, But the seeds of doubt have already being planted in the Reporter.

In the Game, The Wasp is killed by acid from a Pitcher Plant. In his dying breath he tells The Masons he was never going to save DERE MOMMA! Big Brother finishes him off then quits.

Stage 3: Retrieve either a knife or Ammo from a minefield that has Pterodactyls circling like buzzards. because Big brother quit his Head A Splode! The Pterodactyl Picks up Little Brother and Drops him on a mine that too explodes.

Making it through, Tucker tells Sarah/Joy He was set up by the killer. They hear a scream and it's Stephanie who just got Shanked by Albert. Tucker gets stabbed to and his Gun his taken by Albert. steeling the clip they retrieved from the last round. Albert and Tucker fight over the cliff, losing the gun. Retrieving it, Albert is killed by a swarm of Flesh eating Beetles!

Because we haven't figured out everyone in the studio is massive Scumbag, an actress gets a raise by crying that "Her Husband's Killer" Just got killed.

Sarah Stalks Stephanie and Tucker who are bleeding heavily, Who are in turn stalked by a Sabretooth, Sarah kills Not-Saoirse Ronan by kicking her into the Pit where the Sabretooth was. the Final 2 are Sarah/Joy and Tucker. 

The final round is of course a fight to the death in a desert. In said there is 2 keys for each lock To the length of chain that binds them together! In the Real World The Reporter Kills the Producer when she finds out the Reporter sent a message to "THE CAVEMEN" The resistance group against the Jurassic Games. Back in Virtual Reality. Sarah's Stupid Ass, Just CONFESSED ON LIVE, NATIONAL TELEVISION THAT SHE KILLED TUCKER'S WIFE! But everyone is too busy talking about him and not her! 

IT'S A CLOUT CHASER ALLEGORY!

To add to the ratings, A T-rex is added. Because the Host wants more ratings he adds more t-rexs. but there programming kicks in and they fight over territory.

SO LET'S FINISH THIS!

In a Dead heat, Tucker wins and Sarah's head explodes, the Host is forced in the game and is eaten by a T-Rex. Tucker comes to, but in the midst of a gun fight everyone dies but Tucker only suffers a flesh wound. It's a year later and Tucker is home with his family....watching the press release for the NEW JURASSIC GAMES! As the Dinosaurs now have Frickin' Laser Beams!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-O9rAwVOu0

THIS FILM SUCKS!

....But come on! it's not Shakespeare! The actors are nobodies, the Plot is contrived, the CGI looks it came from a failed Film student!

Completely par the course for Horror Channel!

CREDITS

The Jurassic Games was reviewed, compiled, and edited by Eamonn Bermingham (FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @REALENLI)

With Media from

Ironic by Alanis Morrisette

MST3K

The Jurassic Games was Produced by High Octane Productions (YEAH ME NEITHER!) All rights reserved, all media used belong to their respective owners!

NEXT MONTH!

BLACK WIDOW'S FIRST FILM.....A FORGOTTEN MADE FOR DVD CARTOON! AVENGERS ANIMATED IS NEXT!

EPISODE 150: EAMONN REVIEWS MONSTER HIGH: ELECTRIFIED!

So It's Pretty Obvious I've being on a bit of a Sequel Kick for most of this year! And now we are in November aka the Post-Halloween, Pre-Christmas Slump, a time of year When Weekend Broadcasters Throw up their Hands, Shrug their shoulders and let out a collective "MEH!", And show films that might have being shown at Halloween, and show long forgotten toy franchises films when the films get more festive!
This is one of those films as it's Macabre, A toy franchise and a sequel of a work i formally did-Monster High

You know it as last year's xmas special-A Hotel Transylvania Rip-off about a bunch of Undead Prep-schoolers, Latino Zombies, And the Secret conspiracy that the world most famous popstar is in fact the ghost of a Murdered Girl, All Disguised as a Cutesy Cartoon that's supposed to be about Love Tolerance and Body Image!

About that, Monster High was discontinued last year because it's final line was a swimsuit range that was too racy! Plus the anti-Latino overtones that i pointed out in my last review of this franchise, wasn't ignored by other people!

So Let's dig into the Grave of this now dead franchise!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UxWwBehInD4
OH SWEET NON-EXISTENT JESUS! WHERE DO I EVEN START?
Do I start with how flat and lifeless the characters look? Or How Blindingly Garish the colours are? Or How Trashy the girls who are high-schoolers are dressed? Oh, The dolls are not Sexualised anymore, right? When I Saw this cover for the first time, Do You know what I thought of? THIS!

mONSTER hIGH dOLL'S aRENT sEXUALISED aNYMORE!

Also at the Bottom, Pikachu's Nutsack, because we need to sell toys!

So we get a recap of the first film and by the first film, i mean the reboot i reviewed last December!

And we go straight into our Heroes, Draculaura (called Laura from here on in to save time and to avoid confusion!), Frankie, Clawdeen, Cleo and Laguna, Teleporting to save another Monster from Isolation!

We see a Werewolf being chased Into a Dark Street. Before anything can happen, the 5 heroes use their powers to distract the humans and teleport her to monster high, and is never mentioned again!

We cut to sometime later, As The students are in Science class ahead of the science fair, Frankie, being a Frankenstein's Monster is working on a Battery that will never run out, using the Tesla Coil she was birthed from to make this philanthropic gift to Mankind!

This gets the Attention of Moanica, the villain of the franchise, a Mexican Zombie with a Victim Complex! She Sneers at Frankie saying Humanity Doesn't Deserve Kindness and get's jolted when she tries to steal it!

It's Actually Being 6 months since the events of the last film, and Frankie and Laura come across another new Student, Twyla, The shy Daughter of the bogeyman. A Wallflower who feels a bit overwhelmed by Laura and Co.'s Big personalities so she uses her powers to go invisible, During Ari's concert. This gives some minor characters the idea to start a band, this is nothing more than a brick joke to a musical ending during the Credits so I will ignore this!

Count Dracula is teaching his Human Relations Class about fear, That Human's have created Electricity to fight the fear of the dark, Something Moanica finds interesting...BUT WOULDN'T SHE ALL READY KNOW THIS? AS WOULD OVER HALF OF THE CLASS?

If you consider the fact that Laura and Cleo (The Mummy) were established to be sheltered all their afterlives prior to the school opening for millennia , Most of the students are Vampires, Werewolves and varied Species of Undead, which means they were human ONCE! And it's not like they don't live in a culture that doesn't mirror our own, so why are these classes there?

"TOO COMPLICATED FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND!"

OH RIGHT!

So Anyway Moanica and her Gang of Olive skinned Zomboys and Undead GangBangers, Have a Montage of being Jerks set to Latin Music, Just to drive home the fact that every Latino in this Universe is evil, even in this cartoon about Love and Tolerance! And Just a heads up, You won't believe what punishment the Zombies get at the end of this film!

As Class President, Frankie asks Twyla to use her powers to spy on Moanica. During a slumber party, Clawdeen, (The Werewolf) Reveals her dream to open a salon for both Humans (called in-Universe "Normies") and Monsters So the girls have an idea turn the Powerplant Frankie was reborn into a Salon!

Yeah and i'm Sure people will be lining out the door to get their Mani-Pedis out of a Unsanitary, Dangerous-as-fuck Power Plant!

But Somehow, this is the plot, a bunch of naive ,Rich Millennial Monsters opening a salon, in an abandoned, but still functioning power plant. Ari, Still living the double life and maintaining the lie she is a not a Murdered Pop-star!, Uses her fame to make sure the salon gets customers-Maybe too Many Customers! 100s will turn up this weekend, much to the chagrin of Clawdeen who is struggling to make new dresses!

Twyla uncovers the Mexican Zombies stealing Digging Equipment and Explosives (OK, Mattel! It's gone beyond the joke now, You are going into some Fox News Far Right shit, Dead-ass!) During a thunderstorm to relay this info, Frankie saves Twyla from being struck by lightning, It gets charged into Frankie Bolts But Now Electrical Items Malfunction around her, though Frankie Ignores this.

As the Others set up the salon in the Power plant, Frankie's energy absorption is getting out of hand, that and her worrying about Twyla and keeping it a secret from the others, greatly defines her Spastic and skittish Nature, By the time Clawdeen has revealed the kind of Little Black Dress that would make...
(YOU ARE PROBABLY READING THIS JOKE YEARS OR EVEN DECADES LATER! SO FILL IN THE BLANKS BY THINKING OF THE FIRST SLUTTY CELEBRITY YOU CAN THIS OF!)
....Blush, Frankie has absorbed enough Energy to start glowing and break Some essential laws of Physics. When Frankie touches the slutty black dresses, Neon Decals appear from nowhere. And that is the gimmick of the toys this movie is trying to shill, Dresses that have designs that are revealed by Blacklight!
  

So, Using the Excess Electricity, Frankie ads Decal's to the Trashy Tween Dresses! Frankie, Now looking like a Cheap Hooker, Reveals she has some Juice Left that she can't expel properly, and when she does, it manifests into the Minion's Buttcheck from the DVD cover

This is Znap, and calling it Pikachu's Nutsack earlier was spot on, as all it can say is it's name.

Frankie, nonplussed she just created life, is worried about Twyla, Who has figured out that the tunnel leads to under the Power plant where the girls are, And Moanica Plans to steal the Electricity and case panic, Blah blah blah, Viva la Raza, Latino Empowerment , You Can Silence a Revolutionary, ETC! Moanica flips the switch, but nothing happens
 

Bumping into Frankie Later, And Threatening Her, She sees her rival is still absorbing Electricity. So Moanica frees Twyla, She has a new Plan.

Twyla warns Frankie, but that will mean Clawdeen's dream will be crushed! In the end Twyla has unwittingly brought Frankie into a trap! One that turns Frankie into the power source for the Tesla Coil.

Under the Guise of a monster themed Salon, Ari (under the guise of her human form, Tash) introduces her fans to Fierce Hairstyles, and they buy into it!

Being Absorbed with all the Electricity in town, Frankie has slipped into a coma. During the power outage 2 of the 3 female monsters in the band get their instruments struck by electricity, forcing the Other Werewolf and the Mandrake girl into trashy cocktail dresses against their will!

Sorry Woolee, You just don't adhere to any sort of conventional fashion in this franchise that is SUPPOSED TO BE about Confidence and body Image!

With The Electricity down, despite the Salon being in an abandoned Power Station! The Zomboys ruin amuck scaring every human in town and causing wanton Destruction, the Girls Fall throw a trap door and find Frankie Comatosed. Znap touches Frankie's Bolts and causes all the energy to create an Army of Znaps, revive Frankie and Force Twyla,

a conservatively dressed shy wall flower....
 
into the most trashiest dress yet! and yes that dress is also see-through and on a 15 year old!

So Let's finish this...
The Girls and an Army of Znaps chase the Zomboys Out of town, and all but one of the Znaps Sacrifice themselves to restore the power, When Dracula finds out her gives all the zombies the same punishment...TURN ALL THE LATINOS INTO JANITORS!

And with all the customers thinking it was an act, Fierce Hairstyles is a roaring success for Human/monster Relations, Until the when the monster gimmick runs it's course and the customers become fickle and a just want a normal haircut!

THIS FILM SUCKS!
THE Philosophy is flawed, the design is Fetish Fuel and the whole thing comes off as a hour long commercial, Only this go around, the "heroes" seem to more Spiteful, almost to take pleasure in the zombies getting caught! In the Closing scene, the girls laugh as Znap zaps two Zombie taking a coffee break during their community Service, Usually that would spark a parent or mentor in any other children's film to not do that, but not this time!

Mattel will Scrap this franchise in favour of Similar But Different Franchise, Enchantimals, but that might be a Story for a another time!

CREDITS
Monster High Electrified was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli)
With Media from
Monster High
Vevo
Spongebob Squarepants
Loony Toons
Power Rangers Megaforce

And music-"Holiday Clusterfuck" by Doug Walker
Monster High is Property of Mattel. Monster High Electrified is Distributed by Universal Studios.
All rights Reserved. All Media used belong to their Respective owners!

HEAVENSCAR CHAPTER 4
THE INVISIBLE COUP!
(Surrounded by Eyeless Humonoids, they lurched forward their elongated snouts twitching, smelling the sweat and perfumed fear from Eamonn, Yusef and Oracle, One of Them Pointed at Eamonn,

"lliw ruots niaga er ehsu th guorb eno sih T! MIHTEG!"

Oracle Reached into her Bag and revealed a glass bottle of perfume,
PERFECT WE ARE ABOUT TO TO BE EATEN BUT AT LEAST WE WILL SMELL NICE!
Yusef, i have a plan and it might just be CRICKET IF YOU CATCH MY MEANING!
-Old Girl, I like the way you think!
(Oracle threw her perfume at Yusef as he swung his Cattle Prod like a Cricket Bat! The Perfume smashed, confusing the scent tracking creatures!)

TO BE CONTINUED!...

NEXT MONTH
IT'S CHRISTMAS!
AND AS PROMISED LAST YEAR 2018 WILL BE A CHRIMBO FOR ALL THE BRONIES AND PEGASISTERS OUT THERE, AS I REVIEW MY LITTLE PONY THE MOVIE, 2017.