Christmas special: Eamonn reviews Bionicle: Mask of Light

(This Months theme= (If I Ain't Drunk, Then It Ain't) Xmas by Corey Taylor)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=od7GUy9XS7c
Welcome Ye, Merriest of Gentlemen, and Ladies, To the Grim Grotto here at Enlightened Towers, For the past 3 Christmas we dismantled 1 aspect of Seasonal Entertainment. My first was my greatest moments in my lifetime. 2 years ago was Love Actually, a film based around Christmas. Last year, I made my own, Spoiler-Heavy, Version of A Christmas Carol. This year My film represents the most important part of Christmas.

Goodwill amongst Men?
FUCK THAT SHIT!
I MEAN TOYS!

Yes Toys have being made into movies, or rather 1 hour commericals revealing the new line made to look AWESOME!, So mammies are nagged to buy the new-ones rather than ones she had, all the while having a bemused "now I know why it was on sale" look.

Now to Bioncle.
I Never had Lego as a child, I was more into Dinosaurs/Fighting Fantasy/Power Rangers/Beast wars as a kid. So I Used Tv tropes to get my background info. So here's the skinny of the backstory.

Taking influences from South Pacific Creation myths, Lego Branched Figure Kits from it's Technic Range called Bionicle in 1999. Bionicle, being a portmanteau of Bionic Chronicle, had a webtoon that told the story of 6 colour coded and Elemental Wielding Teenage Robots with Attitude!, who have a shared Destiny to stop a sealed Evil in A can from freeing itself and ....YOU GUESSED IT!

TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8u7px_GzWQ
All the while unlocking weapons and vechiles  to defeat evil. (sold separately!)

So Yeah, Bland and Predictable! But Successful enough to make a Dvd Movie by Miramix. (I Must add that Disney no longer has the right to Lego's property and Warner bros now shows Lego's cartoons on Cartoon Network)

So we begin as a voice over tries to sell the story to us.

In the beginning a Maoi landed on a island called Mata Nui and turned all the Stones and Mineral Ore into Stone and Mineral Ore people and Animals. The God was happy that he endowed all living things with the 3 virtues of Duty, Unity and Destiny. Until the Evil Cursed God to Sleep forever and Caused destruction until the 3 Virtues sealed him away.

And that's the Sinnoh Creation Myth...I mean the plot to bionicle.

We cut to Mata Nui, as a child called Jailer is searching for his friend, the chronicler of Mata Nui, T'Kua In an active volcano. Finding a totem and dropping it in lava reveals it as a Golden Power mask like that of the heroes of this piece, the Toa. T'kua is saved from the lava by the Totally Radical Fire Toa Tahao who rescues him with his surfboard/Swords/Climbing Spikes. He wants T' kua to research this new Mask, but after the pointless sports Montage.

It's here we meet 2 other Toa heroes. The only girl the water toa Galli and the OUTRAGOUS! rock toa Pakath'u (Really! I know it's not John DiMaggio but this V.A. is giving him a run for his money)

After the game, The mask's light shines on T'kua. So The 3 elders Transalates the Mask. It's eponymous Mask of Light, and they wrongly assume That Jailer is the 7th Toa. But it's T'kua the cowardly chronicler that is destined.

In a Caravan The big Bad Mak'huta releases his Goa'uld into 3 warriors. T'kua and Jailer load up their crab for a journey that's going to tell him to put on the fucking mask!

Galli is attacked by the Gould looking things the Rakshii who head towards the Lake Trio and attacks Tahao. These Rakshii have a power that really goes back to creation myths, A poison that puts negative feelings people

Back to T'kua and Jailler, The latter complains about T'kua being a dirty coward, They are attacked by a bear, only to be rescued by the Very Asian Wind Toa Lee-Wa, who gives the 2 boys a giant hummingbird as their steed to the frozen North. While there Lee-wa hears tribal drums telling him that the village was destroyed.

Continuing the quest. the 2 boys meet Surly loner Ice toa K'paku as well as a frozen army of Vahrak, Giant Lion-wolf things

I'll give you three guesses what happens next! the first 2 don't count!

Tahou has reached his village and is torn to see it destroyed.

Back to Jailer, T'kua and K'paka, They stumble on a fortress that houses the Not-System Lords as well as defrosted Lion-Wolf things.
FORESHADOWING HAS ARRIVED!
The Ice-guy is hit by a laser that knocks him out but regains himself to save the 2

The 2 boys enter a cavern and while separated, T'kua is confronted by Generic Bad Guy von Evil Pants. He taunts T'kua with the truth that anyone with half a brain and a small understanding of Sequential Storytelling has already worked out! T'kua leaves the quest.

Finally we meet the last Toa hero as Pakath'u visits Boisterious Bruiser Anura the Steel toa, Who had prepared a feast for T'Kua and Jailer.

(What exactly do Stone and Metal creatures Eat? Granted there's vegetation on Matu Nui but nothing that resembles food. Are the food like everything here something that resembles something on Earth but made of Lego? Or are they like the trolls in Discworld and they eat non-sentient rocks and metal?)

Anyway the Vashii saps the strength from the two toas and turns Tahao Crazy. T'kua gathers his courage and Goes after Jailer.

While the toas Heel Tahao, T'kua Returns to Jailer on a mountain, finding a temple. The Toa and the Vashii have a final battle. Jailer dies in the crossfire. T'kua puts on the mask of Light to become Taka Nuva, the Toa of Light.

So Taka uses his Sixth Ranger New Toyline Powers to Attack Giratina in the Shadow Dimension.

So Lets Finish the Year off with a Bang!
Big Good and Big Bad settle it with a game of Blitzball, On the Surface The Toas villagers and Not-Lake Trio Perform a ritual to summon God, Cresellina throws Giratina into a pool, combining into 1 Being, Jailer is returned to life as is Taka and so the Film ends with a cliffhanger that reveals the where God lives and nothing else!

THIS FILM SUCKS!
The Characters are Generic, The Story is too ambitious for a tv tie-in, and It's Purpose is too sell toys. Okay for a Web series circa 2001 the animation is good I'll give you that. But to end on a cliff hanger when you have no intention of making another movie is infuriating. I also made nothing but Pokemon jokes in this review mainly due to the fact that those things i mentioned are done more famously by them. I knew Nothing of the storyline and watching it on the Wall of Knowledge Extra only told me what the incessant Terminology meant.

In Short, Bioncle: Superb Animation, Loses points for Voice Acting and Script.

CREDITS
Bogger box office Christmas Special: Bionicle Mask of Light was reviewed, edited and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With Clips from
Street Fighter
and music
(If I Ain't Drunk, Then It Ain't) Xmas by Corey Taylor
Mask of Light is Distributed by Miramax
Bioncle and all related products are property of Lego.

To All of you At Bogger Box Office, The Enlightened Page and the TGWTG Forum, Wherever you are, Have a Merry Christmas and a Prosperous New Year

Jingle my Bell over at my Twitter account @saveusPOE for #boggerboxofficebytes, mini reviews until Christmas Eve.

NEXT MONTH: NORBIT