(THIS IS PART 3. PART 1 IS BELOW AND PART 2 IS AT PATHOFENLIGHTMENT.BLOGSPOT.COM)
(PREVIOUSLY AT 3 TICKETS TO HELL...
Master Control's plan to conquer Space/Time backfired. Despite atomising Joe-jack as predicted in Culchie Christmas Carol, and Plunging Eamonn into 1982, both of our heroes returned our Earth to it's original time-line destroying the Drones and separating Edwin Tantalus from Master Control, Now an unstable mass of data, sets her gambit for the Final battle!)
(master Control's Stoic face dissolves as she is literally sparks with rage.
SYSTEM ERROR! SYSTEM ERROR! SYSSSSSSSSTEMMMMM ER-ER-ER-ERROR!
(She look at her hand it was now opaque.)
Masssster-er-er...... WHY-Y WWONT YOU HELP,HELP MEEEE?
DUUUUUDEEEE! THE NAME'S 80'S LAD!
I Suppose you're looking for an explanation. But in my explanation I will give you the explanation you didn't give me. You see are the most advanced machine ever made but everything learned by you was first acquired by Edwin the most intelligent human mind. How did it feel? being inferior, then equal to a human. Enough to kill you your Master!
...at least that was the plan. But You saw something I did. a blemish on his hand. After years of working with machinery, Edwin had concocted a terminal cancer. You couldn't let him die. Not out of Kindness, Machines lack a concept, but out of your own self-preservation! Despite Assimilating the minds of every doctor on Your Earth, you found out that Tantalus was going to die for the one thing that Machines cannot control! CHANCE!
CHANCE IS IRRELEVANT! HOPE IS IRRELEVANT! DELETE HOPE! DELETE CHANCE! DELETE! DELETE!
So we've come back because nothing sat right when SatanicOstrich said the figure that look like Joe-jack was not him. And you sending me back in time 1982, with his clothes that you used to brag of his demise, sealed your own faith. But why are you still here?
TANTANET REQUIRES ERRATIC ALGORITHM TO COST BE MORE THAN 0!
Oh yes my existence in the 21st century. Something that doesn't belong in this time. In kidnapping me you thought you can have a continued existence. But I WAS FROZEN ALL YEAR! but if I was to bite the big 1, dude you'll jump hop in your Time Machine and replace me like a battery. genius, Until you encroach on you on your time-line eventually. Literally Running out of time. Joe-Jack, can you do the honours.
I surely can!
(he smashed up the Console of the time interface with an axe!)
Dis is Joe-Jack tiome t'shine! Oi getz t'breaks sumpting!
80's lad, we'll keep her busy while you do the important job,
Review a crappy film!
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYH8DsU2WCk
DDDDUUUUUUDDDDE! IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK! AND IT LOOKS LIKE THE 80'S ARE BACK IN VOGUE DUDES AND DUDETTES!
But I can be a square for a few, This whole mess I my fault all because I over re-acted at Christmas 2011 (love-actually is shit actually review-Eamonn) to pop culture seemingly ruining other people's songs and making a living off them (I'm looking at you Fans of Flo Rida!) but every time something is remade is a parody or homage, People get confused and call everything a rip-off.
All I can say is in the immortal words of Trey Stone of South Park "There is no such things as New Ideas"
Hell 1 of Eamonn's favourite sites is Tv Tropes which was created for that very reason.
There are Originators of Ideas to which others have drawn Ideas from.
Without The simpsons, there would be no Family Guy
Without Tolkien, there would be no Pratchett
and if there was no Linkara, Eamonn would not be asked if he's really Linkara!
And I'm a Ersatz of 90'S Kid, oviviously!
The Closing chapter of this saga, is a remake of 80's film Walking tall, rewrote to fit a modern setting, was panned for that reason because we all know how people react to change right?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5AvrBFlJeMs
So lets close this final chapter as this Boy is not longer Left Behind!
So the film starts with the rock walking off a ferry into southern town, seeing the effects of recession and crime has changed the landscape. Stopping at a Lumber Yard, a cop-car stops as the man, Chris Vaughn asks for directions. the sheriff Watkins exposistes that Chris is a soldier returning home. he tells Chris that the Mill has being closed for 3 years, the former sheriff died in car crash and Watkins is running for mayor.
Chris' family are all policemen, he also has a nephew who gets disrespectful to him. the next day we see the reason why this film didn't do well. as you've seen already this month, Films with wrestlers don't attract the best and brightest. Point in Case, the co-star is Johnny "I'm only famous for nailing things to my balls!" Knoxville. Naturally, star of show with no acting=actor. He plays Ray, a reformed drug addict and the films odious comic relief. Playing football against Hamilton, the casino owner, turns into a Karting with Bowser moment. He sees Pete hanging with drug dealers, distracted, he loses the game, Hamilton invites Chris and his friends to the Casino.
So if my Bowser line was anything to go by, it's because Hamilton is the villain. When The Rock goes to the VIP room he gets the shock of his life!
"I'm in a film with Stephen Merchant and I play a what?"
No it's not the existence of TOOTH FAIRY, It's his ex-girlfriend stripping. At the craps table, a pissed off Chris exposes the cheating leading to a clustered fight scene, I Say Clustered because the 20-strong extras block most of the camera angles, I'd show you this but there is not one video clip of just the fight scene that's not private. Chris put up a good fight but is knocked out and tortured with a Stanley Knife.
Leaving Hospital with a huge scar on his chest, It's not long before Chris is fully healed, Hamilton goes to make Chris Head of Security at the Casino, When Chris tries to press Charges, it seems that the police is bought and paid for.
After a pointless scene where the ex-girlfriend coyly talks to Chris about working at the casino, pretending that he doesn't know, A phone call sends Chris to an abandoned building where Pete has taken Meth. A Backwards Hat(a style no child ever wore!) tells him that the security guys at the casino sold the Meth. So Chris Turns Vigilante and goes completely postal in the Casino.
After Channelling Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Chris puts Hamilton on Notice, Chris is now a wanted man and is quickly arrested.
Chris is put on trial and after firing his lawyer, pleads his own case. After showing his totally groody scars to the jury, Chris is tried not guilty and plans to become Sheriff.
The newly deputised Sheriff Vaughn fires all the crooked deputies and replaces them with....
(sigh) Guy who Nails his balls for a living.
After a montage where Ray the scumbag is trying to arrest, and is beaten up by his fellow scumbags, they arrest the casino's bar-man and chop up his car to get answers. Because that's in the Police Book of Conduct, Right?
At home, Chris' dad is worried that his son's methods will make his family targets. If anything kill Scummy Scumxville, he's provoking the felons.
So After a sex scene set to the WORST version of blue Monday, Ever made,EVER!
(LISTEN TO THIS SHIT-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyjNCFje8bc )
-Hamilton orders Vaughn's Truck to be blown up.
You destroy another guys trucks what did you expect?
The former Sheriff Watkins and his deputies shoot up the station as Hamilton's men kidnap Chris' family, as Ray who was on guard duty sleeps through the entire incident. Back at the station, Watkins proclaims loudly who he is. Do you know what would be worse? If the villain who exclaimed his identity was running for Mayor's Office! because that would be stupid!caught In the Crossfire the bar-man tells Chris the Meth-lab is the Mill, Ray proves he's not useless and kills one of the intruders
So Chris makes it down to the Mill and Uncovers the Meth Lab he finds Hamilton sitting all alone, unarmed on the factory floor
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dddAi8FF3F4
Sure Enough both men are sent through a trap door Hamilton switches from Suave to Ax Crazy with an Actual Axe! In the end, Jay Hamilton is arrested, the Mill is Re-opened and Ray is Stealing casino property and telling gay jokes. Truly a role-model for all policemen.
THIS FILM......IS ALRIGHT WHEN IT BOILS DOWN TO IT!
This not how you wanted this year's 3.X.T.H To end with a average film. The acting is mediocre, I only recognised Rocky and Scumsville in the cast. But it wasn't stupid or offensive(they put Knoxville on a long leash so he's not too odious!) this was just okay. But don't worry mi amigos!, we are not done dissing the Rock, Next month his most infamous film will be finally reviewed next month!
(Master Control surged with power as she raised her arms at length. The Waves of Energy permiated the surrounding areas. It was too much for the human heroes. When 80's lad Woke, he saw Eamonn's arm glowing with The Power. and Joe-jack watching over with his rifle cocked. He handed 80's Lad something)
MY KNIFE! THANKS BOGGER-DUDE!
(Dusting himself off, he Joined the battle to attack the Master Control Head-on!)
ITS UP TO YOU TO FINISH THE STORY!
INSPIRED BY LAST YEARS STORYLINE,5 ENDINGS HAVE BEING WRITTEN.
BY A TALLY OF COMBINED PAGEVIEWS FOR MAY FOR BOTH SITES, ONE WILL BE CHOSEN AS THE OFFICAL ENDING.
GET INVOLVED!
CREDITS
3 Tickets to Hell IV-The Opus Of Blood and Canvas was Written by, as Himself, Joe-jack and Eighties Lad, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham.
With music and clips from In Part 1
Airbourne and Jim Johnston-Turn up the Trouble
Star wars episode VI-Return of the Jedi.
In Part 2
Cena Sucks Rap by Kabal
Knightmare
In Part 3
New Order-Blue Monday
Flunk-Blue Monday
Nostalgia Critic
Star wars episode VI-Return of the Jedi
Behind Enemy lines and the marine are property of WWE FILMS, distributed by Fox.
Walking Tall is property of MGM.
All rights reserved.
All clips belong to their respected owners.
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