(We open in a Darkened Living room, Curtains closed on a Stormy Night, Antique of the macabre arts covered in cobwebs and portraits of Villainous Curs on the walls fill the space. the Camera pans to an Electric Chair. sat in it, the Villain of the Enlighteniverse, the Satanic Ostrich! A glass of what you hope is Red Wine clasped in his wing.)
HELLO KIDDIES!
I'm Afraid to tell you that Joe-Jack, Eamonn and 80'S Lad won't be here, because I ATE THEM!
(CLICK!)
(Standing at the light-switch was Eamonn. He was holding a brown bag and a bemused face.
the "Mansion" was just his house covered in props.)
I leave for 5 minutes to get something to eat and what the hell?
Ah...er...OH HAI, EAMONN!.....I suppose you want an explanation for all this?
(Eamonn clenched his fist that glowed with cinders.) you have til 10!
Well it all started when you destroyed Master Control. Sick off you trouncing my plans every May, I tricked 80's lad home to bring in a Master control as a ringer, only for her to do a better job than I can do, Naturally It made a sensitive little flower like myself all kinds of depressed so I...Quit my Job!
You Quit Your Job?
-Yes!
-As Satan?
-YES!
-Won't that have an adverse effect on those in the afterlife.
You, Don't have any idea what's it like to work in the same job over-and over, for millions of years and not be appreciated? WELL THAT CHANGES TODAY! But need a place to crash, As my mortal enemy you are not weirded out by 9ft tall Ostriches in fish-net stockings!
Well, it looked like you were in the middle of something. I'll think about it, and I'll let you finish.
So lets Cut the bullshit and start my review of Meet Dave!
After pressing play on a dvd screen that doesn't tell us what the film is, Maybe to the buyer's Dignity, We see the Omega Ranger landing on Earth. No it's in fact a Meteorite that lands in a boy's goldfish bowl and drains the water.
So the Aliens want the water?
I Heard the remake of V was shit but...
3 Months later Eddie Murphy crashes on Liberty Island, Naturally the most well known Tourist attraction in the world has no bystanders to see the event. So Dave tries to fit in. Hilarity ensues. No wait not Hilarity. What's the opposite to that?
-Stupidity?
That's the word!
He gets run over by a car and runs a diagnostic on himself
Turns out Dave is in fact a spaceship manned by tiny humanoid aliens called Nillians from the planet Nil, a planet where emotions are banned. The captain, Number 1(also Murphy) is told that the car crash has damaged the ship enough to die in 2 days. Their mission is to syphon all of Earth's water so they can survive.
So clearly the aliens are intelligent enough to build bio-machines to human scale that can eat and have working organs, but then Number 3(Gabrielle Union), the culture officer tell us her knowledge of earth comes from Google, Yahoo! and stock footage of old newsreels and cartoons.
Great so they have the same knowledge of Earth as the Hoobs!
And to those who scoff at Aliens speaking English, usually it's explained as psychic link or watching tv, It's here I want to propose a new trope, Plot-centric Advertising or Frankie's Blackberry, after the stupidity from ghost town back in February, As Google is used a lot to solve a social problem.
Conveniently the women who knocked down Dave is the mother of the boy who found the meteorite.
Of Course she fucking is!
JUST HOW WORSE CAN MEET DAVE GET? WILL SATANICOSTRICH CALL ENLIGHTENED TOWERS HIS HOME? ALL THIS PLUS THE REVEAL OF THE MYSTERY REVIEW IN AUGUST NEXT TIME ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!
IF YOU WHAT MORE OF ME REVIEWING HEAD OVER TO PATHOFENLIGHTMENT.BLOGSPOT.COM FOR WWE PAYBACK RESULTS.
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