(SatanicEamonn's Line in Red)
80'S LAD'S REVIEW IN ORANGE)
(Mammie's Line in Pink)
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
After Reviewing The Razzie nominated Did you Hear about the Morgans? The Evil Power of 1 the Devil's DVDs Offset the balance in Eamonn's Soul. The Power he had stolen by Punching SatanicOstrich all of 4 years ago, had control of him. he now stood there in Joe-Jack's Sitting room, look like the lord of flies himself.
If you know what's good for you, You'll stay out of my way!
(Eamonn sprouted wings and flew out the window, Collapsing the supporting Wall As he flew away.)
Joe-Jack can ya closhe da window? deresh a Big Draft comin' in, so deres is!
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
(theme of the month-from the soundtrack Donavan-Mellow Yellow http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrbni0tVBZ8
DDDUUUUUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDEEEEEE!
It's Me the totally tubular 80's Lad hosting our showcase of the tres bogus Sci-fi and horror the film channels have to offer. Rewind your mind back to 2012, ladles and germs,When we reviewed Nazis at the Centre of the Earth man, We thought could film have something bigger to offend people further?
How about A Lesbian God?
So lets Open Our Showcase and Welcome Life Blood to your collective consciousness.
We Open to 2 lezzers, lessing off at a new years party in 1969, One of them is Sophie "No Junk in The Trunk" Monk. After the party is over, the 2 girls are arguing and we are told in flashback that Brooke (Monk) killed a rapist whilst he was in the act. So now Rhea and Brooke are now on the run.
As they speed off, they find a pearblossom in the windscreen that beats a heartbeat, distracting them long enough to kill a possum. Angered by her lovers disregard for Life, Rhea storms off, but returns when a spectre attacks Brooke that knocks her out. Rhea Meets God and she (yes, she!) makes out with Rhea and turns her into an angel.
BY FUCKING HER!
Now that's what I call a magic box. man!
We now Jump forward to new years eve 2009 as a cocoon opens up to reveal the newly formed vampire-angel things. As Brooke realise her Sexual appetite has now become her actual Appetite, And since he hasn't had any for 40 years, goes on a killing spree as Rhea tries(and fails) to be voice of reason. Brooke reveals that god turned her into something that feeds on flesh, while she turned Rhea into something that feeds on flesh-eaters.
So are they vampire angels or 1 is a vampire and the other is an angel? Or are vampires secondary predators and all the long something can eat vampires? I'm confused.
More importantly, Why would God make an evil being? Are there Vacancies in Heaven?
Holed up in a Petrol Station, as sunlight can kill them,Rhea tries to convince Brooke that if they must eat flesh to survive then they must keep out of trouble, Brooke refuses but rhea bites Brooke as she proclaims her evil soul is Delicious.
Watching TV, They find out the rape victim they saved (who has not aged despite it being 40 years ago.) has sold her story and claimed her rapist was her lover to paint the girls in a bad light. Brooke vows to kill her. and Kills rhea when she argues back.
With Rhea Indisposed, Brooke kills a family of tourists as the store clerk escapes finding a midget cop who goes toward the station. After a stand off between them, Brooke kills the midget and then all the police.
But then God comes and DUES EX MACHINA happens fucking Rhea back to life, who chases down Brooke in a stolen Copcar.
And the film ends by Rhea bitch-slapping Brooke so hard she is impaled on a railroad crossing sign. Rhea is a vigilante now feeding on the souls of wicked people, as we cut back to the railroad sign with the body of Brooke gone!
This Film is so BOGUS, My Mans!
As well as being a second-rate model, No Junk-in-the-Trunk Monk zimmers through each scene without ever emoting. But the 8-zeroes-L knows after watching neighbours and home and away, that's just the way Aussies talk! Any film with a midget can't and won't be taken seriously, A lesbian God was only there to attract an audience and if I want to hear new age mumbo jumbo, I'd talk to my Dad, Sixties Dad! Well no wonder i got lost, duders, this maybe our worst review yet, but blame it on the source Material.
(MEANWHILE AT THE TRAIN STATION WHERE THE EXPRESS TO HELL ARRIVES EACH MAY,
SatanicEamonn swoops in and using his corrupted powers and inhuman strength, Destroys the Switchyard of The Multiverse!)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, LOOK LIKE I WAS RIGHT, IT SEEMS THAT ALL THE TRAIN SERVICES ARE GOING TO HELL! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(With his mission over, the Devil's Dvd ejected itself and returned to the pits. Leaving Eamonn to contemplate What he just done!)
Eamonn Returns to BBO Next Month! But can he live with what he did? Find out next Month as he reviews MacGruber!
CREDITS
LifeBlood was reviewed, Compiled and Edited by, starring as 80's Lad, by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music
Mellow Yellow by Donavan
Pearblossom aka Lifeblood aka Murder World aka Sunset Vampires is distributed by Bleiberg Entertainment. All Rights Reserved.
Follow me on Twitter @saveusPOE Or search TGWTGEamonn
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