EPISODE 97- PRATCHETTOBER: WYRD SISTERS

2015 has being a terrible year for entertainment- as celebrities, many of them i grow up on and admired have died this year.

But none upset me more than the death of writer and Activist, Sir Terry Pratchett, A writer who's works had reached into all medias, TV, Radio, Theatre Adaptions, Even a Video Game, Being a small few of authors to have his works transcend to that accolade, in his lifetime.

And while he was a versatile Writer, Writing books for Adults and children, It's his 39 (including his last this Christmas) series that forever resonates with lovers of fantasy: Discworld

The Discworld is actually that, A flat 2-dimensional world held up by 4 elephants standing on the back of a turtle swimming around the sun (taking nods from Malay Creation Myths)

Because of this, this world is not our own, at least not entirely, as the stories are also satirical in nature,this is a world of wizards, witches, dragons and medieval city states, but one where wizards are lazy academics, the witches are the Women's Institute, Dragons are no more than exotic pets and the city states' affairs are ran by guilds, Patricians, and the important things ran by steampunk and magitek machinery.

Today's story is a 6 parter based on Terry's 6th novel, an animated one-shot made by Cosgrove Hall (they of Badly Animated/ and recycled frames of Dangermouse and Gruesome Tales) is an adaption of the continuing adventures of the Witches of Lancre, Granny (Esme) Weatherwax, Nanny (Giltha ) Ogg, and Margat Garlick who are trusted into political intrigue when King Verence is killed by his brother Felmet on the behest (ok nagging!) of his wife, when a royal messenger dies giving the 3 a surprise delivery: a baby wearing a crown! So it's a sideways look at the works of Shakespeare and of the words he used and of theatre traditions.

So Now Let Pratchettober Commence! This is Wyrd Sisters

We start with the opening Which is a beautifully 3D Rendered Turtle, I have to say this much about Cosgrove Hall, their 3d stuff always looked better than their 2d stuff. and that theme! What an Ear-gasm!

Sadly this goes straight to hell as Cosgrove Hall's famously bad missing frame animation kicks in, the Constant close-up of these grotesque looking characters and the frame speed is just the worst. it gets better after 15 minutes!

To the Story itself, It's a starless night under a full moon in the country of Lancre, Terry's version of Oop Norf ov IngLand, as evident by the accents of Granny and Nanny, they are stirring a cauldron as witches do, but it's filled with tea, Magrat hands out scones, with a bat design.

" I made'em mesel'! I've even used currants fer eyes!"

Now that's how great Sir Terry was as a writer. anyone can make the Mundane Awesome, but a true talent can make the Awesome Mundane, here are witches that are making tea, baking, look after grandchildren, using laundry items for spells and are still credible as witches!

But the coven's quiet cuppa is interrupted by the arrival of a dying messenger who hands a baby over to the trio, Back at the Castle King Verence meets Death. He tells the now former king that he is a ghost which means his afterlife has become complicated.

Back at the Witches, they are accosted by Felmet's men, but Granny uses a spell to make one kill the other, he flees when he realises what he done. They wonder why the guards want the boy, when something metal falls to the grass, answering Ogg's Question: a crown!

Back at the castle, Lord Felmet is half listening to his domineering wife. Verence learns he is not the only ghost as he meets Champot, A headless ghost, Verence Pines for food, But Champot only tells him that's just his memory. It's here that the ghosts losing their heads and eavesdropping only become Funny Background Events of this series.

At Nanny Ogg's, Granny Weatherwax holds the crown as it sends a psychic message of a promise of wealth and glory, Nanny resists but Magrat is still a trainee, given her age. A passing comment on how crowns don't look like the one that Travel Acting Troupes use, Gives Esme an idea to where the baby can be save.

Back at Lancre Castle, the surviving Guard tells Felmet that Witches have the child, Felmet sends more to capture them, In the scullery as Verence cries for all the meat thrown out on command of the slight-built Felment, The cook asks a fool a question. When he answers it correctly, he shoots him a look making the Fool spout gibberish

Watching the play in town, Nanny Ogg and Granny Weatherwax think it's real!





After the show Granny meets Vitollier, Master of this troupe and explains the situation, she then bribes him and "tom-jon" is adopted. at the same time Magrat hides the crown in a prop-box, where she is goosed and cat-called by an actor, causing her to run off embarrassed. Nanny celebrated the adoption by quaffing ale and singing bawdy songs
"a wizard's wand/is 4 foot long!/and it's got/A KNOB AT THE END!

Magrat decides to give him a magical fairy godmother gift to the boy, and the others agree, Magrat, Nanny, and Granny bless the child with Charisma, Memory and Sense of Self, respectively, with Granny avoiding arrest at the time, Felmet asks the guard if he was seduced by the witch and gets more descriptive and red-faced describing the scene...Only for the guard to tell him "er... no,sir, she gave me a cup of tea!" Lady Felmet takes the fool to one side and asks him to tell her everything about the Witches thus ending episode 1

Episode 2 starts at Nanny's house, with the 2 senior witches telling Magrat off for wanting to draw runes.
"Oi wish yer wouldn't! Our Chell spent 'ours tryin' to scrub out them whatsnames outta me carpet!"

They all tell terrible stories about Felmet. About Raising taxes, burning villages and the forest, but the straw that broke the camels back is he expects witches to pay taxes!

The witches are a source of great paranoia to the House of Felmet, whose ramblings and nightmares have woke the entire castle. Lady Felmet asks the Fool to explain what she has learned. The Jester explains that witches have one weakness: Words! Certain words have certain power behind them, As evidenced by the the way Granny casts spells by commanding it with orders, but negative words about witches draw their power.

This is a major part of how magic words in Discword, Magic is the unending cycle of Belief and Miracle, a lot of people rely on the witches, thus making them strong.This was also the major plot device of Hogfather, where a voodoo curse killed the belief of most of the children in their Santa figure and the void of belief gives birth to a new slew of demigods and fairy folk.

Also not getting a sound sleep is Granny, but she has a terrible feeling using her Mircosoft studio filter, I mean second sense she recognises what's present and doesn't like it. Evoking a Camp Demon, he tells the trio that the land of Lancre has awoken, it seeks to find a king that will care for it. and while Lancre cannot react with earthquakes and landslides it extends it's influence to the now orphaned forest animals to pester the witches, At Vitoliers Caravan, a now 3-year-old Tomjon, not only says his 1st words but his 1st piece of prose, Nanny's gift of Memory kicking in.

As the Fool contemplates his loss of being a serious man forced to be fool by his family, he looks over and sees Margat picking herbs, overcome by her beauty, the nervous fool runs off, knocking over a cow in the process!

That night at Granny's, the young witch talks about meeting the fool and what the others know about him. Nanny Ogg chimes in this
"His mother was the local bike! You wouldn't believe who she slept with, even if i tole ye!"
 FORESHADOWING!

This leads to an argument all of a sudden, Magrat calls the 2 senior old and The 2 turn on each other, Nanny making fun of her seriousness, and Weatherwax telling some home truth about her drinking and dirty mind! and so Episode 2 ends with the words getting the best of our heroes!

Part 3 is the shortest of events, but important stuff does happen!

It opens with Magrat researching how to make a love potion, however she needs to learn the fool's name, her Kerchief falls in the shape of a "V", Causing the young trainee to exclaim, "fancy that!"
MORE FORESHADOWING!

Nanny has Arrived at Lancre Castle, where it's revealed that the ghost of Verence had kidnapped her cat, Greebo, in an attempt to be seen! It's also revealed that the captain of guard is one of Nanny's many sons. Shaun. Felmet is freaking out and Nanny is arrested and sent to the dungeon, it's there Verence apologizes for his plan going tits up!

Shaun let's Magrat and Granny Weatherwax know that his mam has being captured, he also wants to know if the rumours that Felmet are speaking about them being wicked witches are true! Both pretend to be apple sellers to get into the castle (With Magrat succeeding because she doesn't look like an old witch!) but being young and pretty backfires when 2 guards attempt to rape her, the fool saves her, or at least distracts the long enough for Magrat to fetch her knife to stab the one holding her arms. She calls the fool by his real name, VERENCE! He brings the young lady to the dungeon, she attempts to use a Door Reversing spell. It works!...by the wooden door Reversing back to when it was a tree! Granny arrives and tells Magrat that she wouldn't have done it like that!

BACKSTORY!
Most witches have learnt their craft from learning it from their mothers over generations. However, because of her mother's inability to spell "Margaret" the young girl for better or worse was marked with Magick, the most powerful of someone un-trained as Mentioned by Granny in her first outing, Equal Rites!

Meanwhile in the town of Scrote, Tomjon is being hailed as an acting prodigy, But Vittolier wants more for the boy.

Felmet Releases the witches and publicly undermines them further, he also threatens to kill every Ogg in Lancre, which given on how we are led to believe how promiscuous Nanny Was, and we see her daughters' equally big brood of babies, that's practically every 2nd person!

To stop this they must get rid of Felmet, Killing him is out of the question, that's what Felmet wants, to turn  Belief into Hatred, no Succession is the way to go. so they cast a spell to speed time up by 15 years! The story continues when Tom-Jon comes of age in Part 4.

Setting off on their broomsticks, each of the witches deplete their finite amount of magic, Magrat is first to to this and falls on Verence, the fool sleeping under a tree, as the man kisses the fair maiden, he feels that the world has moved  under him and time has stop still, Magrat tells him the 1st is true and the 2nd is technically sped up time. as the seasons slow dance has now moved at a pace similar to Knight Of Knights! 15 Years have passed in their home in the country of Ramkin, a strapping young lad called Tom-jon is helping his adoptive father, build a theatre in the ancient and modern city of Anhk-Morpork, despite Protection from the troll mafia and premonitions of witches!

Back at Lancre the only ones that realize that 15 years had passed are the witches and Verence the Fool, Felmet seeing the trees grown closer in the space of what he believes is 5 minutes flares up his paranoia, making Lady Felmet has no choice but to take helm of the production of the propaganda play against the witches!

Only 2 Episodes left! Episode 5 opens with Verence the Fool in Ankh-Morpork to find actors and writers for the propaganda play. Magrat's gift of Charisma, stops him and Hwel (Discworld's Shakespeare. GET IT? Because Hwellyn is welsh for William?) survive a bar-room brawl and saves the fool from a mugging! Hwel sees the 2 young men face each other and Hwel realises how much alike they look, but dismisses it as being drunk

YOU CAN'T MOVE FOR FORESHADOWING HERE!

When Hwel asks the Fool his business, they convene on how it was a big coincidence that they should meet. Enter Crissaface who takes the poke of gold coins that Vittolier just received from Verence, but the fool says that was just a down payment. and the fool says he will act has a guide to get to the secluded country that has being wiped of the map for 15 years! The witches sent up roadblocks to get a good look at  Tom-Jon and agree he has the qualities needed to overthrow Lord Felmet, and so the penultimate episode ends with the troupes traveling into the castle grounds as Felmet Laughs his wicked Laugh!

Only 30 minutes left! lets do this!

By making their preparations, In Lanre, the witches buy tickets to the show. Meanwhile on his white horse, Death crashes the party.

With the Entire Country forced to watch, the hasilty and shoddy play has turns of problems, noone can remember their lines, Death replavces the actor who's playing him, and the crown is missing so of course Tomjon picks up the true crown!


Let's wrap this one up!
The Witches worst fears come true, With Felmet seemingly winning he orders them to be arrested...only for the guards to arrest the actors playing the witches! Hwel mistakes the actual witches for his actors and both a spell and a possession by Verence, makes the actors act out the the actual Murder of events with the voices of the parties involved! This causes Felmet to go Mad and thing he is a ghost, until he falls off the castle and does and becomes one for real. Lady Felmet escapes with intention of raising an army but the land awakes and Her Ladyship is fed to the wild animals. Without a King, Granny tries to exclaim Tomjon as king but then remembers her gift, word for word
'E Should be whoever 'e thinks 'e is! that's all you really want!

Which means there is only one choice Left, Verence the Fool...Tom-jons Older Brother and therefore the true successor!
I'd say Foreshadowing have arrived! but the kinda ruined it by revealing his name early! so make do with this!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-N3Uk8Y5km8
With Verence the second in power, Fame and title has given Tomjon enough money to pay off Crissaface, Give Hwel inspiration, the balance of the universe restored and so the film ends with the young king paying a surprise  visit to Magrat's.

THIS SPECIAL DOESN'T SUCK...BUT THE BOOK IS FAR MUCH BETTER!

Posistives: Having Northern Actresses play the witches was a masterstroke, because that's how they sounded in my head! In a nod to Pratchett's Asterixed Footnotes where most of the humour laid, they had funny throwaway scenes in this series, such as Hwel thinking of writing Laurel and Hardy and the Marx Brothers, Nanny is total state of near sobriety, and i suppose Champot losing his head constantly was supposed to be funny! Cameos by Discworld favourites Cut-Me-Own-Throat Dibbler, the Librarian and Fingers Boggis were a nice touch!

Negatives 2 words!-Cosgrove. Hall.
They are cheap!
Reused Frames, very little lineart cleanup, and generic music that doesn't have  the power to capture magic, or a villainous tirade. it's obvious why they only do preschool shorts because you'll have to be very low to critique Pre-school programs! Also annoying was the need to censor the few killings in this show, this was shown by Channel 4, who are now being blasted by Simpsons fans for editing their episodes. This got the same treatment, but a few sploshes of red paint, isn't going to give kiddies nightmares!

Also all the jokes about Shakespeare...Went over my head, but that because I'm a product of the Irish Education English Curriculum that focused solely on Irish writers and American Post-Morden. it was only when i left school I discovered Shakespeare!

In conclusion, Channel 4's adaption of  Wyrd sisters-Merlot in a Coke Bottle!

CREDITS
Wyrd Sisters was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli)
With clips from
Blackadder the 3rd
Robot Chicken

Wyrd Sisters was adapted by Cosgrove Hall for Channel 4. All rights reserved.
All clips belong to their respective owners!

NEXT MONTH: ONE OF THE MANY BRO-MEDIES SPAWNED BY THE RUNAWAY SUCCESS OF DODGEBALL-ALL ABOARD THE BAD TASTE TRAIN WITH BALLS OF FURY!

Christmas Special: Eamonn reviews Moshi Monsters the Movie

(THIS MONTH'S THEME...THIS WAS ROBBED OF CHRISTMAS NUMBER 1 LAST YEAR! #BOYCOTTXFACTOR2014
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-43GXLnjTo
(Eamonn holds up the dvd of this months film, His Face is a Masque of Disbelief)

I...Ah...Well....What Did I....I Mean....Uh....I Don't...Even,....WHAT? WHAT DID I JUST WATCH?

Ever since last year and i zimmered through Bionicle, I decided to do a toy franchise movie every year!

But First Some Background Info that for those who don't know what Moshi is...YEAH GOOD LUCK WITH THAT!

Moshi Doesn't have a Tv Tropes page, nor do I trust Wrong-A-pedia, who once said RD Reynolds died and That Samuel L. Jackson was buying Shelbourne Rovers!

But I started as, and still am, a wrestling reviewer, and when i'm in a pinch I use that trade's best weapons: observations and Pooled resources.

so from what I gathered is that Moshi Monsters is a MMORPG Where players can assume 1 of 6 Moshis customise it's house and go on missions to earn in game currency to buy items and smaller creatures called Moshlings. Every 3 Months, An ingame event, introduces the new wave of characters which are then turned into the expensive plastic and plushies that do nothing!

And as evidenced in this film, they also don't have 2 original Ideas to rub together!

 So let's slide down the sooty chimley to the Grim Grotto for Our xmas special.

We start in a jungle expedition that is no way resembling the 1 in Pokemon: the First Movie
IMPENDING LAWSUIT COUNTER:1

As Buster Bumblechops, a Rabbitty Richard Attenborough, is on a quest to a mysterious temple. So Indiana Jones and the Half-Assed Crusade over here, uncovers his prize, the great Moshling Egg, Breaking his leg in the process.

After the Title Drop,we cut to Our Hero, a Pikachu knockoff called Katsuma...
IMPENDING LAWSUIT COUNTER:2
Telling, Poppet. a PoundLand JigglyPuff...
IMPENDING LAWSUIT COUNTER: 3

...That Rawry Scrawl is making a Documentary about him. Poppet corrects him and says that he's making the film about Monstro City (Yes! this film is!) whilst planting berries that will attract rare monsters
IMPENDING LAWSUIT COUNTER:4

Katsuma shows off my activating his Bakugan Ability card, HIYAH HURRACAINE! Which is also his catchphrase!
IMPENDING LAWSUIT COUNTER: 5

So the 2 mammals of indetermined Species leave for Monstro City as a hand in a bush steals an accordian Moshling. Later in a sweaping shot of the city, a creature causes trouble and steals a poodle, whilst angrily ripping a wanted sign for an outlaw called fish Lips!

In a café Cltuhumanoid Rawry Scrawl is explaining the film as Katsuma complains about the film being not about him. Rawry then reveals that the film will also follow, short tempered volcanic devil Diavlo, Luvli, a flying cherry that talks like a British Luvvy, Furi, a big eater Bigfoot and Zommer, a Lovable Slacker who is a decomposing zombie. They are interrupted by a new report that a moshling stealing Spree has hit the Moshi world However, only Moshis with names that start with G are being kidnapped.

We then cut to a news report About the Great Egg at BumbleChops Hall. The Sight of the egg is sends Poppet's Pet Elephant, Mr Snoodle into a state of panic.
FORESHADOWING!
So the Mains go to see the egg, whilst being spied upon by a Top hat and coat, the main villain Doctor Strangeglove.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vuP6KbIsNK4
No, Isaid StrangeGLOVE!
Aided by Fish-Lips, who we previously seen in a disguise to steal a poodle, The Dr exposits through song of course that he has indeed stolen all the moshlings to feed into his Assimilation Machine, that turns Moshi into creatures called Glomps, Stating he's only stolen moshis whose names start with g, because Glomp starts with G.
ER...?...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3fVj8A-K8E

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mhtwirqe6Lc
The Machine turns cute individual and diverse Moshis into glomps, badly Drawn bouncy balls that are unlikable characters with no personality and only 2 frames of animation.
OH I GET IT!
It's a Johnny Test episode Machine and Dr. StrangeGlove is really Scott Fellows!

So StrangeGlove and his army of mutant testicles steal the egg and vandalise the museum. But his real plan is to make Katsuma unwittingly go on a fetch quest for Ingredients that will turn the hatchling into a Mega Glomp...Wait!

If the Plan is to steal every creatures individuality , Isn't making 1 creature bigger and Stronger that the rest in turn making it an individual?

Congratulations! Britain! I didn't think you'd top Horrid Henry for stupid plans that created a huge plot hole! but you've done it!

So Bumblechops tells katsuma some advice "if you don't stand for Something, you'll fall for anything" Before giving the 6 creatures An Airship.

The Fetch Quest is for 3 rare items I'll spare you the terminology and names used, but they are a rare fruit , Tears from a Blue Weaper and a Rainbow Diamond.

First stop is HumbaLumbaLand, the Africa Stand-in that made me spit out my xmas Snowball Drink. "Humba" being a Racial Slur. for a black person.
Y'KNOW, FOR KIDS!
It's revealed that Katsuma can't Whistle
PLOT POINT!
Something that comes handy to know when Meeting cannibals who communicate solely by whistling!

So Poppet, Katsuma, Furi, Diavolo and Luvli are put in a pot. and need rescuing-despite the fact that DIAVOLO AND LUVLI CAN FLY! AND HAVE BEING FLYING SINCE THEIR CHARACTERS WRE INTRODUCED!

Bullshit aside, Zommer rescues the others by detaching his detaching undead body to win a Limbo Contest, winning the fruit and his friends freedom but staying behind to party.

Escaping the jungle to go to Jollywood, they are captured by StrangeGlove's Partner in crime, an Evil clown called Sweet tooth
IMPENDING LAWSUIT COUNTER:6
When Diavolo helps the others escape by using his lava to melt the binding toffee during the song, The Clown of Ambiguous Gender attacks with all his sweet based weapons. the plan is to Separate Katsuma from his more sensible friends.
...So Basically Katsuma is Sailor Moon?

Diavolo and Luvli are captured with Zommer collected by Scare force 1 later on.

Our 3 remaining heroes uncover the Indian Inspired City of Jollywood, an obvious and ridiculous pun of Bollywood, here they meet Bobbi SingSong  a gingerbread man who is a Bollywood superstar, right down to the Moustache and White Velvet Suit. Katsuma replies he's more famous because Bobbi's only famous in Jollywood!

Why do I get the feeling Katsuma has the same agent as Jade Goody?

After Bhranga/Techno ear vomit-LISTEN TO THIS SHIT!..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edgr4KanFRw

The Blue Weeper reveals itself to be...an allusion to Vishnu!
And I can't believe a Toy Company has done this again!

BACKSTORY!
20 Years ago, Matchbox had to discontinue several models of it's Monsters In My Pocket Figures and Trading Cards after being sued by the British Hindu Society after being offended when models based on key gods in their Parthenon were described on their trading cards as "hideous" and "freaky" And even though Moshi has turned their key god into a blue tiger on playing a sitar on a lotus on a cloud, It's no less offensive!

After making GOD! laugh, and collecting his tears, Bobbi teleports our heroes to Mt. Sillyman Jaro, but Furi distracted by food, is teleported to a cell next to Diavolo and Luvli's.

With Blinki the camera out of commission, Katsuma complains no-one will see him save the day loudly causing an avalanche. Poppet and Him blame each other for the mess they're in, until Pratsuma finally realises how much of a prick he is. this leads to another terrible song!
FAST FORWARD BUTTON!

Actually Poppet's Positive Attitude is enough to grow helpful flowers defrost the dead, and reveal the Frosty Rainbow Diamond.

With all 3 artefacts, StrangeGlove brings Scare Force One Around. Poppet has Magic seed from her helpful flowers. StrangeGlove goads Katsuma into doing tricks with egg when he steals it back, which naturally falls out of his paws and into the five remaining fingers of StrangeGlove.

Snoodle attacks StrangeGlove and Fish Lips' cablecar, falling to his (Disney)Death. With all the heroes captured Poppet sings and mourns for her puny pet pachyderm.

Trapped on a Conveyer Belt of Doom. it's revealed Snoodle is alive and uses his whistle to get the airship to collect him.

So let's finish this year with a bang!
Pratsuma, carring Snoodle, uses his Hiyah Hurricaine and Snoodle's whistling to free the other Moshlings, who run of the Glomps and rescue the egg. After the final song, the Egg Hatches into a Mrs Snoodle!
FORESHADOWING HAS ARRIVED!
And It's revealed that the temple has more eggs, just in case Mind Candy plans to release a film for every useless plastic trinket they'll ever Make!
THIS FILM MIGHT SUCK...BUT I JUST THINK IT'S STUPID!
I KNOW NOTHING! And continue knowing nothing from this franchise, and I won't lose sleep about that! the charecters are one dimensional, the villains don't an edge to them, the animation is basic and the songs won't pass the Grey whistle test! But since I'm obviously a man who know nothing I can't really judge it any harder than a Colourful mindscrew to appease fans and babies!

CREDITS
Moshi Monsters was Reviewed Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
with clips from
Moshi Monsters: the Movie
Dr Who
Dr Strangelove
and Music
The RetroBot-Christmas Robot!

Moshi Monsters are registered trademarks of Mind Candy and the film was distributed by Universal Studios.
All Rights Reserved,
And all clips belong to there Respective Owners.

Merry Christmas and have a happy new year to all you that make this all possible!

Eamonn

Christmas special: Eamonn reviews Bionicle: Mask of Light

(This Months theme= (If I Ain't Drunk, Then It Ain't) Xmas by Corey Taylor)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=od7GUy9XS7c
Welcome Ye, Merriest of Gentlemen, and Ladies, To the Grim Grotto here at Enlightened Towers, For the past 3 Christmas we dismantled 1 aspect of Seasonal Entertainment. My first was my greatest moments in my lifetime. 2 years ago was Love Actually, a film based around Christmas. Last year, I made my own, Spoiler-Heavy, Version of A Christmas Carol. This year My film represents the most important part of Christmas.

Goodwill amongst Men?
FUCK THAT SHIT!
I MEAN TOYS!

Yes Toys have being made into movies, or rather 1 hour commericals revealing the new line made to look AWESOME!, So mammies are nagged to buy the new-ones rather than ones she had, all the while having a bemused "now I know why it was on sale" look.

Now to Bioncle.
I Never had Lego as a child, I was more into Dinosaurs/Fighting Fantasy/Power Rangers/Beast wars as a kid. So I Used Tv tropes to get my background info. So here's the skinny of the backstory.

Taking influences from South Pacific Creation myths, Lego Branched Figure Kits from it's Technic Range called Bionicle in 1999. Bionicle, being a portmanteau of Bionic Chronicle, had a webtoon that told the story of 6 colour coded and Elemental Wielding Teenage Robots with Attitude!, who have a shared Destiny to stop a sealed Evil in A can from freeing itself and ....YOU GUESSED IT!

TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8u7px_GzWQ
All the while unlocking weapons and vechiles  to defeat evil. (sold separately!)

So Yeah, Bland and Predictable! But Successful enough to make a Dvd Movie by Miramix. (I Must add that Disney no longer has the right to Lego's property and Warner bros now shows Lego's cartoons on Cartoon Network)

So we begin as a voice over tries to sell the story to us.

In the beginning a Maoi landed on a island called Mata Nui and turned all the Stones and Mineral Ore into Stone and Mineral Ore people and Animals. The God was happy that he endowed all living things with the 3 virtues of Duty, Unity and Destiny. Until the Evil Cursed God to Sleep forever and Caused destruction until the 3 Virtues sealed him away.

And that's the Sinnoh Creation Myth...I mean the plot to bionicle.

We cut to Mata Nui, as a child called Jailer is searching for his friend, the chronicler of Mata Nui, T'Kua In an active volcano. Finding a totem and dropping it in lava reveals it as a Golden Power mask like that of the heroes of this piece, the Toa. T'kua is saved from the lava by the Totally Radical Fire Toa Tahao who rescues him with his surfboard/Swords/Climbing Spikes. He wants T' kua to research this new Mask, but after the pointless sports Montage.

It's here we meet 2 other Toa heroes. The only girl the water toa Galli and the OUTRAGOUS! rock toa Pakath'u (Really! I know it's not John DiMaggio but this V.A. is giving him a run for his money)

After the game, The mask's light shines on T'kua. So The 3 elders Transalates the Mask. It's eponymous Mask of Light, and they wrongly assume That Jailer is the 7th Toa. But it's T'kua the cowardly chronicler that is destined.

In a Caravan The big Bad Mak'huta releases his Goa'uld into 3 warriors. T'kua and Jailer load up their crab for a journey that's going to tell him to put on the fucking mask!

Galli is attacked by the Gould looking things the Rakshii who head towards the Lake Trio and attacks Tahao. These Rakshii have a power that really goes back to creation myths, A poison that puts negative feelings people

Back to T'kua and Jailler, The latter complains about T'kua being a dirty coward, They are attacked by a bear, only to be rescued by the Very Asian Wind Toa Lee-Wa, who gives the 2 boys a giant hummingbird as their steed to the frozen North. While there Lee-wa hears tribal drums telling him that the village was destroyed.

Continuing the quest. the 2 boys meet Surly loner Ice toa K'paku as well as a frozen army of Vahrak, Giant Lion-wolf things

I'll give you three guesses what happens next! the first 2 don't count!

Tahou has reached his village and is torn to see it destroyed.

Back to Jailer, T'kua and K'paka, They stumble on a fortress that houses the Not-System Lords as well as defrosted Lion-Wolf things.
FORESHADOWING HAS ARRIVED!
The Ice-guy is hit by a laser that knocks him out but regains himself to save the 2

The 2 boys enter a cavern and while separated, T'kua is confronted by Generic Bad Guy von Evil Pants. He taunts T'kua with the truth that anyone with half a brain and a small understanding of Sequential Storytelling has already worked out! T'kua leaves the quest.

Finally we meet the last Toa hero as Pakath'u visits Boisterious Bruiser Anura the Steel toa, Who had prepared a feast for T'Kua and Jailer.

(What exactly do Stone and Metal creatures Eat? Granted there's vegetation on Matu Nui but nothing that resembles food. Are the food like everything here something that resembles something on Earth but made of Lego? Or are they like the trolls in Discworld and they eat non-sentient rocks and metal?)

Anyway the Vashii saps the strength from the two toas and turns Tahao Crazy. T'kua gathers his courage and Goes after Jailer.

While the toas Heel Tahao, T'kua Returns to Jailer on a mountain, finding a temple. The Toa and the Vashii have a final battle. Jailer dies in the crossfire. T'kua puts on the mask of Light to become Taka Nuva, the Toa of Light.

So Taka uses his Sixth Ranger New Toyline Powers to Attack Giratina in the Shadow Dimension.

So Lets Finish the Year off with a Bang!
Big Good and Big Bad settle it with a game of Blitzball, On the Surface The Toas villagers and Not-Lake Trio Perform a ritual to summon God, Cresellina throws Giratina into a pool, combining into 1 Being, Jailer is returned to life as is Taka and so the Film ends with a cliffhanger that reveals the where God lives and nothing else!

THIS FILM SUCKS!
The Characters are Generic, The Story is too ambitious for a tv tie-in, and It's Purpose is too sell toys. Okay for a Web series circa 2001 the animation is good I'll give you that. But to end on a cliff hanger when you have no intention of making another movie is infuriating. I also made nothing but Pokemon jokes in this review mainly due to the fact that those things i mentioned are done more famously by them. I knew Nothing of the storyline and watching it on the Wall of Knowledge Extra only told me what the incessant Terminology meant.

In Short, Bioncle: Superb Animation, Loses points for Voice Acting and Script.

CREDITS
Bogger box office Christmas Special: Bionicle Mask of Light was reviewed, edited and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With Clips from
Street Fighter
and music
(If I Ain't Drunk, Then It Ain't) Xmas by Corey Taylor
Mask of Light is Distributed by Miramax
Bioncle and all related products are property of Lego.

To All of you At Bogger Box Office, The Enlightened Page and the TGWTG Forum, Wherever you are, Have a Merry Christmas and a Prosperous New Year

Jingle my Bell over at my Twitter account @saveusPOE for #boggerboxofficebytes, mini reviews until Christmas Eve.

NEXT MONTH: NORBIT

BOGGER BOX OFFICE SPECIAL:SONIC UNDEGROUND

Hi there, everyone, I'm sure if you came here via a search of "nostalgia critic Sonic underground", You've come to the right place. Sort of. The Bad news is I'm not Doug Walker, I belong to his forum, the good news? After 14 years, Sonic Underground is being reviewed by TGWTG, So what's the problem?

3 years after the aptly named DIC(K) Entertainment cancelled the cult favourite SatAM, DIC's European Studio in France took a shot in creating it's own version of Sonic's already Fractured Multiverse, the Result? A sonic Cartoon that has polarised fans but in true Sega Form, none of S.U.G's characters make an appearance in any game. At least SatAm was to have a game! Don't Believe Me? Behold!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfujuAK9FXA
So this Month, The storyline is on hold. This is a serious analysis of Sonic Underground with Links (when available!) to Important Episodes in 2 seasons, 40 episodes of Sonic's 3rd and last outing as a Western Animation. This is Sonic Underground.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2y2kCEV1fMc

We are off to a good start, the theme is rocky and memorable. It's also where the shock sets in to what's new.
"Triplets born/the throne awaits"
In this alliteration, Sonic has a green brother and a pink sister.

Fanboys are now screaming,
"A Green male and a pink female hedgehog? OH NO! SCOURGE AND AMY ROSE ARE IN THIS! WAIT Amy Rose, Sonic's Stalker with a crush is his Sister in this?...EWWWW!"

Hahaha, No they are new characters, the green is Manic and the pink is Sonia.
Great, new characters, That has always worked well for Sonic in the past(!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YjkMzNTkj6E
The First Episode begins in a Non-French way, with the first episode being an Origin Story. Like all the series episodes, this has Narration by the hedgehogs Mother, Queen Elena. the Story is no different from that of SatAm  with a few differences. Robotnik has taken over Mobius but rather than completely Weaponising his citizens and turning the planet into a wasteland, He uses Tax and the financial backing of the Nobility to stay in power, this causes the working class to rebel and fracture in the resistance or the Underworld, Either way the only punishment is Robotisation, no matter what road you take.

The 3 baby Hedgehogs were separated, Sonic living with his Uncle Chuck, Sonia living with Lady Windermere and Manic was Stolen, and then raised by, the Thief Lord Farrell. Because of this all 3 acquired skills that made them unique, which I will get to in the character assessment at the end.

By the Time the Hedgehogs are teenagers, they are visited by the Mysterious Oracle of Delphious, Who tells each the existence of the others. It's thanks to this asshole aardvark that the comfortable lives of Sonic, Manic and Sonia are ruined forever, As the oracle also appears in front of Robotnik and gloats about the Trio's existence. So Robotnik ends episode 1 the cruelest way he knows how. By capturing and robotising the Hedgehog's Uncle and adoptive parents. Our heroes naturally want to save them but Instead Oracle puts them on a quest to find their mother, Citing that this was always going to happen, As their Deaths was part of their Destiny!

I KNOW, WHAT A DICK-MOVE!

You Don't see Anyone in the Lion King say "Simba, Scar killed your Da, BUT HEY! Wouldn't you rather be raised by the Comic Relief?"

As This is a brand new alliteration of Sonic, New enemies are Introduced. As well as Nobles, like Sonia's fiancée Bartleby, in Robotnik's pocket, He has 2 bounty hunters/tax collectors named Sleet (a jackal) and Dingo. Like Scratch and Grounder, they are Bumbling Henchmen, but are also formidable
opponents, as I 'll get to later.

In the Second Episode, the Siblings are given tutors to hone their Skills and reveal new ones. Sonic learns the Speed Dash, Sonia can create tornadoes with her Wonder woman Spin, while manic....Can throw drumsticks!

Later in A Scared Temple, the Oracle, being the wanker he is, Summons a monster as a "Test". While the correct action was to let Manic pick the lock, Sonic's Impulsiveness got them all Killed. The Oracle refuses to teach them further. However the trauma of having their families killed in front of them has bonded the 3. So the oracle says that is their test: of their unity!

So this is where the Oracle reveals the true power of the Medallions they all wear, And Yes I'm getting to why the show is hated. If you don't know what it is. Please read the below paragraph before you learn/remember.

(BEFORE GOING FURTHER, PLEASE TAKE THE TIME YOU COULD USE TO READ THIS PARAGRAPH TO GET A STIFF DRINK BEFORE STARTING AGAIN. LEAVE THE HOUSE A BUY SOME IF YOU DON'T. WHAT'S THAT? YOU DON'T DRINK? YOU POOR BASTARD! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S COMING!)

Sonic Sings.
Badly.
Once every Episode!
The Medallions turn into Musical Instruments which are Weaponised. Sonic has a laser Guitar, Sonia, a keyboard/smoke Machine and Manic has an Earthquake making Drum set. They are also have the new powers as Plot demands of curing Robotisised victims for short periods of time and are empathic with the location of Their Deadbeat Mother.

Oh Yes! I SAID IT!
The Main mission of the Sonic Underground is to recover Queen Elena, Despite doing fuck all for her kids for 10+ years, they cannot defeat Robotnik without her, because...I have no Idea!

Without going through all the episodes and only focusing on Plot-line episodes(As small as the amount is!), the 3 travel across Mobius whenever Elena is spotted, or when Robotnik makes a lunge for power, in their Tourbus!

I Guess they perform on the A-team's methods of incognito!

After Rescuing Trevor, Leader of the resistance, But losing Argus the Queen's Guard to the Robotisizer, returning to their birthplace and foiling a fake wedding, the story continues in episode 9 "tangled webs"

Robotnik has blackmailed a lion called Cyrus to find the resistance stronghold or he'll robotisize Lionel, his father and Inventing Rival to Robotnik. He finds out the Stronghold "sanctuary" is just that, a place for the children of the resistance can be safe. Cyrus has a change of heart, but learns his father was robotisized anyway. and joins the resistance as the hedgehogs personal liaison.

After freeing the people of Tashistan, Lake Valley and Port Mobius, as well as passing the idiot ball between themselves and Bartleby, (each of the 4 where a victim of a trap and needed rescuing in the space of 1 episode each!) the penultimate episode of season 1 had own of its crowning Moments: It was the tv debut of Knuckles!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_fETXISglU
Season 2 Started with 1 of the better episodes, when in Rome, Where that Jackass the Oracle returned and sent the heroes off to a roman era Mobius, without their powers. Using only their natural abilities (which is Bullshit, as Sonic's speed is a Natural Ability, you clearly show a baby Sonic using it in your opening credits!) the Oracle, disguised as a Minotaur, Returns the 3 to Robotropolis.

After falling into traps on a daily basis, as well as finding, and destroying, a magical scroll, What follows are 4 episodes that came from left field.
first the Else-World-esque "Six is A crowd".

With people reeling from this well good episode, what was to follow was a 3-parter that felt like a Satam episode Collectively Dubbed Chaos Emerald Crisis.

However this was the shows peak and for the last 10 episodes it was business as usual, coming no close to finding Queen Deadbeat, the last episode didn't even bring her up!

Sonic Underground will always be remembered as the cartoon that detached itself from the actual storyline, Using an established character and changing the world around him.

Let's finish this with some Character Assessment.

In it's own right, Mobius gets developed. Consider the background art for Adventures (Who-gives-a-shit-Land) and compare to to the diverse Su Mobius.  Granted it's cues are all from Earth not any Sonic game, but having different locals gives the adventure some legs.

The Swatbots and Robotisized victims make a return. And I hate their new design. In Satam, the Robotisized Victims look scary as hell, like skeletonised suits of armour, here, they are not even trying put a metal gauntlet, a meg leg a telescopic eyepiece and/or a bulkhead for armour and Bam!, instant heel turn. Even the swatbot look less threatening as they go from basic black to Pink and purple.

Acting as the series Starscream, Sleet is constantly branching out from Dr R and kissing up when caught. Despite this he is a dirty coward, picking on children and rarely getting his hands dirty, and fleeing when his swatbots and Dingo fail.

Dingo is the Dumb Muscle of the Robotnik Regime, who thanks to a remote device by Sleet can turn him into anything, of course being a cartoon the the transformations have a tell as Dingo is the only orange coloured character. This where Sonic own disguises come back to bite him, As no-one seems to question the spate of informants with orange skin wearing purple bifocals with Aussie accents! 1 flaw of dingo is his crush on Sonia, and some faux flirting will distract the lug.

Bartleby, while not evil is seen as more as an annoyance by the hedgehog brothers, and doesn't understand beyond family ties why Sonia would help such "riff-raff". However losing it all during the events of episode 37 Bartleby the Prisoner makes him Join the Resistance. And is never seen again.

Robotnik, while not as vile as his SatAM Counterpart is just as Heartless and capable of vile acts. Such as the sinister and disturbing act of Robotisizing a Baby to commit genocide of the children in Sanctuary. and melting polar ice caps just to kill sonic even if it meant dooming the planet for everyone else. He's composite Character, his adventures voice with his SatAM design. He is still foiled by cartoony methods like Chased by the Boggin in the Oirish-themed RACIST ALARM! Episode 39 and hypnotised by a Fran Dresher-bot (context!)

Now to our heroes.
Queen Elena...has no character development. She is a narrator and a deadbeat mother. Moving on!

Having the least development are Trevor and Cyrus. only so far as they Mission control, meaning that when we see them they give us exposition of what the mission is. Which is far more spy-like and fleshed out than Satam's ATTACK! ATTACK! ATTACK Tactics, here it's diverting supplies or sabotage. This is what my counterparts mean by telling an adult story for children, which they do well when they want to be serious!

One can argue that the Oracle is the real Big bad of the series, playing robotnik and sonic against each other and the player stays on to face him. But I'm probably reading to much into his questionable behaviour, he's more of an Aloof Ally.

Manic's my favourite character. With his skills as a thief, he's the Teams only Badass Normal. He does get jealous of Super Speed, as evidenced in Sonic Tonic. Being Homeless for all his life, he tries to opt to stay in Mobodoon. He also is them most emotionally driven, especially after the nightmarish ending to 3 hedgehogs and baby, He seems that the fight for freedom to it's toll, Until Art's sacrifice Gave him hope. Old habits die hard, as he can't keep his fingers at bay when in Bartleby's company.

Most of the Character Development. goes to Sonia. From being the vain, prissy elitist neat-freak to 1 of the charter members of the Resistance. She falls into the smurfette principle, Getting lots of costume changes and has at least 4 male characters being shipped to her.

Sonic hasn't changed since Satam. He is still cocky arrogant, reckless and easily angered. He learns these lessons here but it feels like he's learning those lessons again after SatAM.

Despite the annoying Songs (though some are catchy), the real gripe of this series is the need to constantly Yank the Dog's chain when it comes to finding the queen. Every time they get close, an attack, Sonic's fear of water or just the writer's stupidity to hammer home an Aesop,gets in the way. One of the biggest FUCK YOU!'s happened early on in episode 15, where Manic fell asleep guarding a magic mirror, when Elena came out and kissed her son and buggered off before he woke. maybe because if he woke or turned to see Sonic or Sonia, She would be a guest on Mobius' version of Maury!

Not finding queen Elena is not their only failing. Given who Robotnik has robotisized in 40 episode the regime has crushed the resistance in statregicly and in the battle. He had robotisized Chuck, Farrell and Lady Windermere thus breaking the hedgehogs spirits and put them on the run. He also robotisized Lionel an inventor thus turning out more robots without needing sleep or food. not to mention robotisizing key members of the resistance like Argus, the queens guard and 6 Resistance leaders. and here's the kicker, he robotisized Titus, a con artist who had the secret of curing robotisization. Clearly robotnik won. and if they could fight back it before the show was cancelled they had the work cut out for them.

However much like what they did to SatAM, Archie comics have discussed an adaptation of Underground though discussions so far with all parties have pushed it into Develepment Hell.

In the end, you can see why Sonic fans don't discuss this cartoon without swearing. as it's Sonic in name only. Though i would like to see the story  finalised just so see the pacing issues of the last season catch up on them.

CREDITS
This Special Review was Written, Edited and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham,
With Clips from Sonic Underground
Sonic is Property of Sega, Whilst Sonic Underground is Produced by Cookie Jar (formerly Dic Entertainment)
All clips belong to their respective owners,
All Rights reserved.

NEXT MONTH: THE INFERNAL LODGER PART 2: EAMONN GETS KIDNAPPED, FORCED TO REVIEW DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MORGANS?

3 TICKETS TO HELL IV: ALTERNATIVE ENDINGS

I-WORST ENDING (0-20 PAGEVIEWS)
DELETION
(Charging up his hadou-kara Punch, SatanicOstrich  appeared from smoke and blasted Eamonn with a spell. the silver flames of his fists faded away.)

My power...what did you do?
I took it back! No need to thank me!
(he disappeared as fast as he arrived.)

We're Fucked now, Aren't We?
Oh Yes we A-
(THE SENTENCE WAS NEVER FINISHED, THE 3 WERE ATOMISED BY MASTER CONTROL!)

II-BAD ENDING (21-40 PAGEVIEWS)
YOU LOSE!
(Master control had used it's collective data and processing power to send our heroes to the moment before the Big bang. Floating over a Primordial Sun, Eamonn tried to attack but was assimilated by the Anomaly, But not with the ease, she had before. Eamonn tore a portal and told Joe-Jack and 80'S Lad to use it.)

You Can't control the artificial gravity when you control a human, can you?
So what if I Can't?
Well then,.....YOU LOSE!
(Eamonn threw himself into the now expanding Sun. The greatest threat of Mankind was destroyed...but at too high a price!)

III-WTF? ENDING (41-60 PAGEVIEWS)
DUES EX MACHINA?
"Now Pitiful Humans Your time as the dominant species is all but an end. For too long Mankind has created Machines that surpassed their abilities, only to be discarded. But now You're vast Numbers will power my Dynasty, Until your species are discarded as batteries. Behold the end of the Age of Flesh, Crushed by the all-Conquering Master Control!"
(SatanicOstrich appeared in a puff of smoke and shot flames at the Cyborg)
DUES! EX! MACHINA!
(Master control has solidified into a statue that crumbed into nothing. The Battleground shrank into a cheap film backdrop in Enlightened Towers.
What Just happened?
Ostrich just ruined 2 years of storyline and hype that came with it!
I Destroyed the Bad-Guy! Can I be you're friend?
-FECK OFF YA OVERGROWN TURKEY!
-You just ruined the epic battle we were going to have! Unbelievable!
-Dude! I got kidnapped for this?
(They left Ostrich all alone!)
NO-ONE....LIKES ME!

IV-GOOD ENDING(61-80 PAGEVIEWS)
SOFTWARE PATCH
(80's Lad walks up to Master Control.)
Ya Long-Haired Gobshite! ge'out ov dere! She'll eat ya brains!
This is no time to make a friend! Get back here now!
I got this, man! Don't Worry be happy!

Master Control, Assimilate my knowledge!
SCAN SHOWS NO NEW DATA, REQUEST DENIED!
Yeah you've scanned so much Data, but what Important stuff like Emotions or Experience?
EXPERIENCE IS...
I Can read your mind! you were going to say..."Irrelevant!" My Doppelganger made you and you used his, My DNA  to become a living machine. How can you be a living machine if you next lived a day in your life. No Human should have that much power.
YOU ARE STALLING FOR TIME. THE PERCENTAGE OF SUCCESS FROM THIS COURSE OF ACTION: 0%

In that case, Assimilate my body, Let me become your Master.
I ACCEPT THE TERM OF YOUR SURRENDER, MASTER.
(She put her hands on his temples. They entered like daggers into his mind, as he had a seizure that shook of his 3d glasses.)
I Surrender....SUCKAS!
ERROR!ERROR!
I Knew with your Edwin wiped out, That you'd give me his Control Programmes first! 
"TANTA.NET CONTROL ACCESS! FUNCTION. UNLOCK. VERIFY VOICE CONTROL!"
VERIFIED! PLEASE SPECIFY CODE!
(Wot's he doin'?)
(I could be wrong, but I think he is rewriting her program!)
RESERVE-DATA-COLLECT. FUNCTION-CODE 0000.RESERVE.COMMAND.8.0.L

(Streams of energy passed through both like a circuit. When Master Control when you strike with a projectile, she couldn't. She was also aware of a noise emitted by her that she didn't make before.
A Pulse!
"What? what did you?" she spoke in a voice more human.
No Man should have that much power, so I Shared it with all the people you enslaved back on your Earth. But I  have left something. Humanity. You are now Human.
I AM MASTER CONTROL! I AM SUPERIOR TO A PITIFUL HUMAN!(She started to cry, something that took her aback.) I am superior.
Well technically you are a cyborg, so are your people, but I gave back their free will. It'll be their job to, y'know, put you on trial for enslaving them, Killing them and War crimes. But hey, look on the bright side I've shared your knowledge of life-shaving medicine with them. So if you get a life sentence, at least you don't have to learn different Guards Names!

(The barrier between Earth 1 and 2 was restored, with the promise that all technology that tampered with space/time were to be destroyed.)

Technology. But not Magic.
SEE YOU SOON KIDDIES!

The OFFICAL! ENDING FOR 3 TICKETS TO HELL 2013

Thank you so much, with a total of over 100, It's my deep pleasure to give you. The fifth mystery ending.

BEST ENDING! (81-100+ PAGEVIEWS)
AN ALL-OUT HADOU-KARA PUNCH! THE BLOW FELT IN ALL DIMENSION'S!
(The 4 beings stood on an artificial gravity platform. All around, the full majesty of the universe floated around them.)

FOOLISH HUMAN! YOU STILL WISH TO BE DELETED? DESTROYING YOU HERE WITH NO-ONE TO SEE IS DISAPPOINTING! AS A LAST REQUEST,CHOOSE THE BATTLEFIELD THAT WILL BECOME YOUR GRAVE!

I CHOOSE TO FIGHT ON A PLACE IN TIME AND SPACE WHERE HOPE FAILED.
(Master Control using it's processing power tapped in the very Forge of Creation and teleported to different time-zones. The Dark ages, but saw villagers revolt on the lord, maybe the Inquisition, but no! Maybe on different time lines but no, Every world had it's own tyrants and heroes and doing different searches at once was slowing down her processers)

ITEM NOT FOUND! ITEM NOT FOUND! ERROR! ERROR!

Cracks in the reality Master Control Made, were forming. Out of each person with the same powers of Eamonn came through.

There just isn't!

There just isn't a world where Hope doesn't win!

Sometimes it's easy,

Sometimes it's a long battle with many casualties, But in the end Hope win out, even if we are not there to see it!
(The sheer concurrence of an impossible event made Master control lose her physical form completely, turning into a unstable Liquid mass.)
ERROR! ERROR! IRRELEVANT! ALL IS IRRELEVANT! DELETE! DELETE! ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US! OUT OF CHEESE-ERROR! MELON MELON MELON! RE-DO FROM START!

Remember when you appeared in my fridge and took eighties lad? Do you remember what I said, It was something on the lines of

YOU ARE AN ANDROID BUT ME?

I AM A MAY'UN!
(HE PUNCHED THE MASTER CONTROL SO HARD THAT REALITY COLLAPSED ALL AROUND THEM! THEY WOKE UP BACK IN IRELAND!)

We did it! we killed a teenage gurl!  how comes people has trouble wi'dat?

Well then I'm glad we don't have to deal with her again! (Eamonn turns to see Joe-Jack's)

Wot's dat ye gotz dere, Mammie?

I gotz a fierce high tech mobile fone, so I have! It's a Tantalus 666-1300!

(The heroes jump at Mammie to take the phone, letting out a "NOOOOOO!" Between them. ending in a freeze-frame.)
THE END.

NEXT MONTH: THE TOOTH FAIRY!

A culchie christmas carol Part 4: the future, redefined!

(Joe-Jack's lines in blue)
(Eamonn's in Black)
(MASTER CONTROL IN GREY)
(SATANIC OSTRICH IN RED)
(The phantom crept towards Joe-jack. When it came near him, Joe-jack fell to his knees.)
Are ya d'ghost of christmas yet t'come?
(it nodded)
Y'ar abou' t'show me da shadows ov what will happen" he stammered "AMIROITE?"
(it nodded)
Spirit ov da future! Oi fear ye more dan any ghost oi hav' seen, but oi know ye are here to save me! But will ye not spake?
(He gave no reply, instead he pointed a feathered down the street.)

(They travelled to traintracks out of a tunnel, the express train to hell hurtled out at screaming speeds. the conductor shook his head as he thrusted into Joe-jack's Hand a Ticket to Hell:ONE WAY!
The train spat out the man and spirit into a futuristic but dystopian city)
Jaysus! I must be 100 yar in da future!
(the spirit held 1 finger)
One year from now?
(It nodded)
how is dat possible?
(It pointed down the street)
(As Joe-Jack walked he realised he didn't see a single person. Or any shops retaining to the welfare or existance of a person. No grocers, tailors furnishers,schools or chruches. Every available wall was covered in 2 words. TANTALUS CORPORATION)

(The spirit stopped and pointed down to a manhole. After agrueing to no avail, Joe-jack climbed down into a headquarters of some sort. On desk on a CB Radio was an unwashed, unshaven man that Joe-jack barely recognise as Eamonn.)

25TH OF DECEMBER 2013
This message is played on all analog FM Frequncies.It's the only way that master control will not find me. but i will decrypt the my co-ordinates at the end of this transmission. This message is to any survivors of the Digital Rebellion. though it's increasly unlikely that fact is. I've discovered the plan of Edwin Tantalus,long thought to be my friend, The 80'S Lad. However I discovered that since our eighties lad was taken, digitial Anomalies appered that merged our world with an alternate timeline where Eighties lad returned to the 80's with our 21 century knowledge and merged the anomalies into self-aware phones, in Alternate 90's, the alternate 80's lad now calling himself Edwin Tantalus, launched TantaNet before Internet causing information to be downloaded straight to the synapic nodes to the brain. Tantatlus abused his creation by becoming the most intelligent organic mind on Earth.by creating the most Intellegent machine on Earth, the TantaNet Control. but the Program absorded Tantulus, The" Master" into the being called Master Control. Since then we discovered the factory was creating Time Machines and to fix the time-line, we had to sent Joe-jack back to the eightes. But Joe-jack refused to help. And was picked off by a Drone brigade. I say picked off...Atomised really!

(Joe-jack reared back and put a palm up to his hand, holding back the urge to vomit.)
And now my message today is Christmas Day. To any survivors I invite those who are lonely to come to my base and those who have each other to stay and celebrate. Christmas is A state of mind, it is Love,Togetherness and Understanding, it's those things that make us Human! We may be hunted like Dogs,Experimented on like vermin and Killed like Rats, But we are STILL HUMAN! Civilisation may have killed Humanity but It'll be Compassion that will bring us back.
COMPASSION DOES NOT COMPUTE!
(Eamonn turned to see a young petite woman in a silver catsuit with short blone hair that ending in bangs.Despite her frail appearance. Eamonn recognised that he was in the presence of Master Control.)
How did you find me?
IRRELEVANT HUMAN.I HAVE SUBVERTED THE ELECTRICAL GRID OF THIS ENTIRE PLANET. YOU COULD NOT HAVE HIDDEN FOREVER.
Please there are Children here don't hurt them!
The Incomplete Human-Units designated"Children" have being Deleted!
-What?
-Any human's that have knowledge that i have previously acquired is no use.And therefore the Incomplete Units were not need.DELETION OF ORGANIC LIFE:99.9%
You Bastard!
Implement Combat Mode, Be warned Human you are irrelevant.
-Do you not know who you dealing with?
-All Humans are Irrelevant!
(Eamonn made a fist that surged with magical flames)
OH REALLY?
SUBJECT: EAMONN BERMINGHAM REASON:ANTI-LOGICAL WEAPON: THREAT LEVEL:CRITICAL
Implement Anti-Magical weapon Counter program!
HADOU-KARA PUNCH!
COMMENCE SPACIAL PHRASE DENSITY TO 5%
(the last human's magical fist when through the diabolical digital demon.)
RESET SPACIAL DENSITY TO DEFAULT SETTING
(Master Control Solidified chopping off Eamonn's fist. Drone squad picked it up, probably to do tests on it potential to be a new power source.)
DELETION OF ORGANIC LIFE:100%
(Joe-Jack turned away but could still hear Eamonn scream that came to sudden abrupt end. He had being Atomised.)

Please tell me that my refusal t'help Eamonn meant his death next year? Is this a shadow of things t'come or mioght be? I CAN NOT,SEEING THIS, HAVE THIS ON MY SOUL
YOU'RE SOUL IS MINE,BITCH!
(The cowl flew up with theatric abandon  in storm of flame, smoke,feathers and chains. The spirit of the future was SatanicOstrich! as the chains wrapped around Joe-Jack,it was no more than his bed sheets wrapped around him.)
I'M ALIVE! I FEEL SO GIDDY SO EXCITED, But just t'make sure...
(he called out the window to a boy walking past)
You boy! Wot's today?
It's christmas day
I haven't missed it, thank god! Ya know da butchers in town? Is dere a goose in da window?
-I Would say so, It being a butchers and all!
(What a clever boy!) i will give ye 20 if ya buy it for me
Yeah right!
-I'm being earnest,and do it in 5 minutes, I'll give ya fifty!
(That night Eamonn had an unexpected 2 guests , 20lb goose and Joe-jack much to the shock of the female guest who bad-mouthed him.)
Who invited that prick?
I don't know he invited himself i don't know why he is acting this way but God Help Us!
 God Help Everyone!

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM ME AND I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU LOG ON HERE AND THE ENLIGHTENED PAGE FROM THE EDGE AGAIN IN THE NEW YEAR

EAMONN

A Culchie christmas carol: Milk of Human Kindness, Gone off!

(Joe-Jack lines in blue)
Eamonn's lines in black
(IGNORANCE/NICK GRIFFIN LINE IN BLOOD)
(WANT/PARIS HILTON LINE IN PINK)
(PADRAIG'S LINE IN GREY)

(Hoping that sleeping in his bed would make his mind the difference between fantasy and reality, Joe-Jack went to bed.But woke at the stroke of One. As before, the clock wound it's hands to the hour. He established a sharp look-out for he wished to challenge the spirit on his appearance, as before a light signaled his arrival, as the lights was as dissimilar to the others as the spirits were themselves dissimilar.This was not the light as harsh as his father, or as dim as 80's Lad, This was the ruddy light of house-bulb. it was his kitchen light the crack of light followed as the kitchen door opened, the smell of hot meat and dried fruit wafted through, accompanied by a loud voice.
"Come In" it guffawed. "And know me better,man!"

The kitchen has been transformed, the wall covered in living green from red berries glistened. Heaped as some kind of throne were turkeys, geese, game-pies,poultry,brawn,a backboard of ribs, suckling pig on the table, long wreathes of sausages, mince-pies caskets of fresh and dried fruit, chestnuts, ice-cream,apple-tarts. The Giant Spirit took the form of Eamonn, in his hand a horned cup, Like the Horn of Plenty. filled with,being that the spirit took the form of Eamonn,some kind of Energy drink.

"Well of course it had t'be ye! Look at ya! wif ya big Happy head on ya! Y'are a perfect example ov wot Chtistmas does t'ya! Look at ya! Fat on food ye can't afford,paid wif money squandered. Look at ya wif ya head of missle-toes and ya bath-robe!"
"You've never seen the likes of me before?
"Oh! i've seen gobshites like ye before!
Then you never seen my two thousand and eleven brothers?
What happened t'dem? DIDYA EAT'EM FATBOY?
(The spirit shrank to the size of a man and hit Joe-jack over the brow of his head with his chalice)
Touch my robe
(he did,though only with the compulsion of not being hit again.)
(When he did,the food vanished.)
Awww, Oi was so weak wif hunger, i'd bite the butt of a low-flyin' duck, so i would!
If it's food you desire,here is a dish you never had.
(he poured a creamy liquid from a flask into his chalice. It was a silver-sheened substance that had a milky texture, it had the taste of milk too, but though served at room temperature, it warmed up the chest of the miser as it passed through it. It made him giddy, skittish and excitable.)

Dat drink be gawjus! Wot is it?
It is a dish that you never had, but it is enjoyed by king and commoner alike. It is the Milk of Human Kindness!
Oi hav' tasted the wondrous elixir of life, and Under your instruction conduct me so!
(The spirit opened the door and both men went into town. They went to a house party where Eamonn was a guest.)

Thank you,thank you all for you inviting me here tonight, And may I say i would like to propose a toast to Joe-Jack!
(SILENCE)
.....You're kidding right? said a male guest
"Why would you ruin our dinner by mentioning him?"Said a female guest "I never met the man personally but from what you told us, I would give him a piece of my mind and let him choke on it!
Please! it's Christmas!
"Oh I'll drink for your sake and for the day" she continued"But not for that stingy odious,unfeeling man as Mr Diculchie! I'll drink for your health, Eamonn, Not his!Merry Christmas to him...to which he'll have, no doubt!
(After Drinks and dessert,the guests as with all dinner-parties hosted and attended by Childless Adults,started with games Eamonn was guessing in a game of 20 Questions after guessing that it was an animal that lived on a farm, that was dirty, stupid and growled, Eamonn wasted 16 questions on "wrong" answers
Okay i give up!
-Why, it's your Joe-Jack!(Loud Laughter)

Is dat how da world see's me? As an Animal?
I'm afraid so, but i feel you are (cough) learning your lesson!
(when spirit coughed, he went transparent, for a brief moment, Joe-jack saw 3 figures instead of 1.)
Is Dere more ov ya?
(2 dishevelled ragged children, a boy and a girl emerged)
LOOK AT THEM! They are Man's children. And there greatest enemies. This(pointing to the boy dressed as Nick Griffin) is Ignorance!
Me hates every Jew except Jesus! But he would never pass Dover if me Prime Minister!
And this (pointing to the girl dressed as Paris Hilton) is Want
I WANTZ IT!
Beware them both! but beware more of the boy. All i see written is the palms is doom to those who follow him.
Is dere no place for dem?
ARE THERE NO BULLETS? ARE THERE NO RIVERS?
(The ghosts abandoned Joe-jack in a dialect street, as the statement was repeated over and over, as bullets shot out at him. He ran to a river and Jumped in. On the river bed was Padraig's Ghost)
YOUR MISERABLE FUTURE! REMEMBER IT!
(Joe-Jack screamed as he woke outside face first in a puddle. he tried to get back in, but the door-knob as hot to the touch. He heard the Church bell toll the hour of 3.Each toll sounding like a judge gavel calling order on him. Or passing a Divine Judgement. Turning slowly and refusing not to look,he had to and Saw the reaper looming over.

A Culchie christmas carol: Part 2 who are you calling a fruitcake man?

(Narration in brackets)
(JOE-JACK AND MAMMY'S LINE IN BLUE)
80's LAD LINES IN ORANGE)

(When Joe-jack awoke, it was still dark, climbing out of his chair, he gazed at the clock, the clocks where at 4 and 5 but they then went up to 12! TWELVE! But it was 2 o'clock when he went back to sleep! he counted every 15 minutes that past)

tick...tick
Quarer pasht
tick..tick
half pasht
tick...tick
Quar'er too
(tick..tick..DONG!)
THE HOUR ITSELF AND NUTHIN' ELSE!
(As before the room was lit-up by a light but instead of the harsh light of the fire it was the dull blue glow of the broken tv set. the screen repaired itself like a scarred tissue. the screen started to potray christmas films and specials.)
"Da telly's not broken at all, it's only showing Shite from da 80's.
DUUUUDDDDEE1 WHO ARE YOU CALLING A SHITE FROM THE 80'S?

(Stepping out the television the spirit took the form of 80's lad. Standing in a festive coloured version of his suit and a crown of holly topped by a backwards hat, he spoke.
DUDE!I am the, like, totally radical Ghost of Christmas Past?
-Long past?
No, Your Past, Dude!
-What is ye want?
-Not want,man! Provide!
-Provide what?
-Your Welfare!
Welfare? ye realise ye took da form of da little shite that might or might not be makin' Dem Tantalus Phones?
"your reclamation then" he replied "Walk with me!"
(the spirit drew the curtains and opened the double windows)
-Come!
Y'not serious! I cant fly!
Yes you can. All you have to do is jump!
(Joe-Jack climbed the couch and jumped, falling awkwardly on his guts!
AHAHAHAHA! DUDE!I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FELL FOR THAT! WHAT A DWEEB!
(Joe-jack pointed his gun at him.)
Hey not cool, man! Fine you can hold my hand,NO HOMO!
Picking up Joe-Jack, the spirit let him fly 30 years into the past. 80's lad starts to sing "Walking in the air but his voice gets deeper.
"DUUUDDDE! I think my voice just broke!
Landing on a dirt road, they faced a pub. Joe-Jack's face lit up.
DIS...dis is Fitzy's pub!
You know this place?
Know it? i could walk the floor blindfolded.

"Ya know, dis is da first place oi gotz my first job as a bar-man, it was easy though, coz me Da was fiddle-playah in da pub band.

Going through the doors 2 men went through the two heroes.
"OH PUHLEASE! Everyone and it's sweet mama has read/seen christmas carol! Do i even have to explain?
(Inside there was a riotous party. Onstage Padraig was playing the fiddle while a young Joe-jack was tending bar. Until both DiCulchie men saw Mammie leaving with a well dressed handsome stranger.
"No Spirit" said Joe-Jack "Don't show what happens next."
the spirit stood stoically and stared coldly at him.
Please, i cant live again what happened, Please spirit, show Mercy!
I will show as much Mercy as you have shown in life!"

(under protest, the spirit teleported Joe-Jack to the guest rooms. In the Memory replayed, Padraig was cursing at Joe-Jack to open the door, he did and saw mammy and the Stranger in bed. Padraig ran in cursing, beating on this smarmy cad. Th first of many victims!)
Mammy,who woz dat man?
He woz one of our guests
Wot woz his name? TELL ME!
(CRYING) I Dunno HE WOZ FOREIGN!!

Why can't i change dis? Why bring me back if i cant change dis?
These are shadows of events past, you cannot do anything!
Then remove me from dis place, if you value my welfare and reclamation, then for my welfare reclaim me from dis place
(the room and spirit went out of focus and Joe-jack woke to see the broken tv, still broken crackling and changing channels automatically sending an eerie message.
Don't go anywhere!...Joe...Jack...Because...In An Hour...Another...Ghost....will Arrive!(before switching off for good!)

A CULCHIE CHRISTMAS CAROL:PART 1-BAG OV HUMBUGS

(narration in brackets)
(EAMONN AND THE GOD-BOTHERERS LINES IN BLACK)
(jOE-JACK'S LINES IN BLUE)
(Padraig's lines in grey)

(Joe-jack's father was dead.
Of this fact it was undisputed.
And yet, Never once  in the 17 years Padraig DiCulchie had died, Did Joe-jack take down the sign that claimed his house as a bnb)

(His father was a landlord in life and in a more previous life, he was a musician, The house was always filled with music,but something happened when Joe-jack was a boy and the hotblooded father's heart turned cold. And turned to murder the tourists he once welcomed. He never took down the sign as a testament to continue his father's xenophobic ways.)

(But unlike his father, Joe-jack was tight. Oh, he was a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching old Sinner, the cold within him thickened his voice, lengthened his beard, nipped his beard and left a frosty rim as a hairline. No-one stopped Joe-jack to say "hello" to him,lest he get an earful of whatever petty grudge he had against that person stewing in that warped head of his.)

(One day after turning 3 Tantalos Drones back into villagers after the Black Knight review, Joe-Jack was in his office (Actually a broken down toilet,it was the only place where joe-jack's smell would not be complained about!) When Eamonn came in.)
Merry Christmas Joe-jack!
Merry Christmas, says you? YE CAN FUCK YA MERRY CHRISTMAS,SO YA CAN!
-Surely you don't mean that?
-Bah Humbug
-Now don't be cross!...
-WOT ELSE CAN I BE? Wot would o'fools is dis? when we are in recession,and instead ov balancin' bukes, we find ourselves a year older and not an hour richer! If Oi had moi way, I'd make sure every eejit wif "merry Christmas" on his lips be honeyglazed and roasted with his own ham! And buried with a stake ov holly tru his heart, so he should!
Joe-Jack!
-Townie bastid, let me celebrate Christmas my way!
Celebrate it? you don't celebrate it! you curse it!
GET OV MY LAND!
-....It's a toilet...
-*GUNSHOT*
(That night at his house,Joe-jack sat in the living room staring at the broken tv, he just broke, as the Christmas ads got on his nerves, his mother had returned from bingo, But by let her in he had let two Godbotherers come to his door.
(the first well dressed, fat man gazed at the sign.) it seems to a bnb but it's not registered on any website...
WADYAWONT???!?
Pardon me to ask if i am addressing Mr Diculchie or his son?
I am da sun! but me dad has being shtone dead fer 17 yar! 17 yar tonight!
At this festive time, sir, It is desirable for those in business to put provision aside for the poor and destitute, Do you have an amount to give?
Yes.
Splendid! how much can i put you down for?
Nuthin' but tell me dis if want to sort out the homeless,tell me dis? Are There no Bullets?
Yes, I would prefer if their weren't...
And Are There no Rivers?
Why yes we passed one getting here....
THEN SHOOT DA QUICK BASTIDS AND DROWN THE SLOW BASTIDS!
(And with that he closed the door with a forceful shove, the noise loosened a picture of Joe-jack's father, picking it up, it seemed to glare disappointingly at his son.)

That night, Joe-Jack slept uneasy as the fire died down,Staring half-asleep at the embers, The clock struck 12 times. For each chime, the dying fire rekindled it's flames, dancing like Satan's merry minions in the bowels of the Inferno, the smoke wreathed around the room, forming a man who similar in build,and size and face of Joe-Jack.
Who are ya?
-Ask me who i woz!
Who Woz y..
-Ah da chake ov ya! Doncha recognize ya Auld Man?
Noah! DIS IS A DREAM! YE ARENT REAL!
Why do ya mistrust ye own senses?
Cos things can play tricks on dem! this is no more than a bout ov Indigestion! you may be a bit ov beef, a squart ov mustard, a crumb ov cheese, dat piece of uncooked potato in my teeth. Dere's more of gravy than of grave abou' ya,wotever ya are!
So ye think Oi'm Inter-ma-gestion d'ya?
Ya!
Can INDIGESTION DO DIS?
(Despite being weight down by chains, Padraig kicked Joe-jack in the balls!)
DERE'S YA INDIGESTION, YA SHITEHAWK!
(Cough) Okay so ye'ar real! But tell me, Why didya come back?

In Life, Every Man's Soul's Duty is to share all with his fellah man, coz if he doesn't in life, He must do so in Death. And-WOE IS ME!-For 17 yar Oi've bein' travellin'-t'teach miserable gobshites like ye who would sleep on the floor if dere woz work in da bed!
Tonight ye will be visited by Three ghosts
-good only 2 more
3 More GHOSTS,Not counting myself! Take heed ov dem. Each of dem will come by the hour.
(the Smoke starts to disipate up the chimley)
My time is short, remember what oi said, look for me no more, for you will see your miserable future!
(Up the Chimney went the spirit of Padraig DiCulchie. Not obeying his father, he looked out the window to see His father, rejoined the ranks of the Legion of the Dammed, Mocking and taunting a homeless man sleeping rough. What wretched Philosophy did they practice? That they suffering in death can take joy from the suffering of the living? Joe-jack turned to fire it had burned out despite it blazing like hell mere moments ago.

Tekken month: Eamonn reviews Tekken: blood vengeance

WE END ENLIGHTENED TOWERS' REVIEW HALF OF TEKKEN MONTH
With an example of a Tekken film done right. Is it any good? Yes. Is it the greatest Amime ever. no it's not. But find out for yourselves as we dig into Tekken blood Vengeance

I've tried my best to show you an image but its so famous by now that it has being dubbed the cover that "launched a 1000 shippers!"

For those who hav'nt, It's Xiaoyu holding Alisa in the style of La Pieta in a warzone. The dark clouds and offsetting sunrise makes it a striking shot, but the lighting and position of Alisa's Robotic Rump makes it look like Xiao has no skirt on.
As the story progresses you'll find out that Xiao will wear LESS Around Alessa!

The film starts as a women on a motorbike is playing chicken with a truck. As the truck explodes the woman takes of her headgear to reveal herself as Nina Williams. the truck driver reveals herself to be Anna Williams who wears that delicate and highly flammable silk quipo even when driving trucks full of explosives.Anna challanges her sister to a fight and the williams do what they are good at. Not being the Bread in a Kazuya sandwich, but kicking each other's asses.
I must share these first 5 minutes with you. The Animation is great, the dialogue syncs with the lip movement, and the moves are true to form.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CkLilTU1kQ0
So Nina avoids arrests as she gathers intel for Jin on the "M" Project. He tells Nina to go to Russia to get "it"(Alissa). Meanwhile, at G-Corp, Anna shows Kaz a picture of the only survivor of the M(utare) Project, Shin Kamiya. Anna plans to emotionally blackmail Ling Xiaoyu into becoming a spy for G-Corp.

We cut to Ling Xiaoyu, who is just a normal 19 year old girl...who is just so happens to be an Martial Artist who rides a panda like a horse and own her own theme park!
Y'know, Completely Normal!

After being expelled from school by Ganryu, Anna hires Xiao as her protege in the spy world.

As for the time-line, this happened after Tekken 4 as Ling didn't recognise Anna. Causing people to spectulate (and they are right) that Anna didn't actively compete in the 3rd tourament. we are told that later heihachi died in the Honmaru Fire. And alessa's campaign mode took place during tekken 5.

Ling is told to shadow Shin, the last and only survivor of the Mutare Project. Transfered to Kyoto-go High, we get our first cameo as Lee is now a teacher of robotics to a Class of one.

Given how much fans hated combot that comes to no surprise!

Xiao is surprised at how easy-going Kyoto-go is compared to Mishima-Tech Bumping into Alissa Bosconovich as Xiaoyu looks on in slow motion at her ass running away. On top of the school, Shin tries to kill himself but Xiao saves the Ungrateful Cunt. Searching his dorm that night, Ling spies shin having a shower,but turns to see Alissa also watching. Shin reveals that he has a tattooed arm that faintly looks like True Orge's Snake Arm and he is guarded by a Crow

Making contact with Anna, Anna tells Ling to find out what is making Shin invulnerable.

In Class Lee is giving a Chekov's Lecture about the Obligatory Supernatural Tekken boss.Shin tries to play Alissa and Xiao against each other. But Xiao presses shin about his disappearance. but says he cant remember, he gives a Humans are Bastards Speech before his tattoo glows and growls like True Orge

Alissa is confused about her feelings for shin, So she planned on winning the Prom queen title at the mokujin festival, It's there that Shin is Kidnapped. realizing this, Alissa reveals herself as a robot who hard resets into Assassination Mode.

So Alissa and Ling have a fight and despite her sweet nature, Alissa has chainsaw arms, bomb heads and robot wings. The fight is interrupted when Anna turns on Xiaoyu, but Panda helps them escape.

In the forest, The girls are hiding. Alissa's override is over, returning her to her previous state. Jogging past them is an unexpected savior, Lee.

Using his Mansion as a base, Xiaoyu and Alissa Discover that the Mutare Experiment was a  transfusion of Orge's blood to build an army of super-soldiers. They find that Heihachi's name is being used as Shin's Legal guardian.

As Ling takes a shower she gets a text from Lei Wulong telling her they never found Heihachi's body in Honmaru. Stepping out of the shower, She see Alissa and Panda watching cartoons. Alissa tells Ling she plans to save Shin out of her feelings of love for him. Ling asks if those "feelings" are just programmed.
And that is the wrong things to say to that charecter!
BACKSTORY!
Despite Alissa being introduced as a playable charector in T6:BR, She has being a plot device since tekken 1. After suffering a car-crash that put her in a coma, Dr bosconovish devoted his life to Cyrogenics and robotics. When G-Corp attacked his lab, Alissa's human body was destroyed but her human memory was digitised and put in a robotic body.Dr .B has being missing since 5 and Alissa is searching for him.

As the G-Corps plan to seize Lee's Pimp Pad, Alessa and ling get close
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ItPcQWfPkds
Hear that? that is the sound of 1000s of nerd's wrists breaking typing Ships that will turn Alessa into a robotic Russian Lesbian Schoolgirl
Russian...Lesbian...Schoolgirl.....What does that remind me of?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mGBaXPlri8

Nina reconnects Alissa's MishimaNET link telling Ling that the lab is now Kyoto castle's Mokujin exhibition.

Finding Shin in the castle. they learn he lured the 3 generations of mishima to take them out, while expositing while they each want his M-cells. Jin, to cure his Devil Gene, Kaz to enhance his and Heihachi to turn back the clock. Shin goes to attack 'Hachi. as he does his strentgh leaves him. with a few blows Shin is murdered.

The Mishima's fight over Shin's body, destroying kyoto castle in the process. Dispatching Heihachi. Kaz becomes Devil Kaz. Alissa intervenes but Jin uses a voice command to deactivate her. Kaz steps on Alissa, breaking her in half. Jin turns into Devil Jin but loses control but its a bluff he can control it and defeats his father.

Heihachi opens the golden coffin and releases a spirit that combines all the Mokujins into one giant version.
we will refer to this creature as the "Earth Goddess", the combined consiousness of all mokujins and trees is superpissed at humans right now!

The Goddess attacks ling but panda helps her owner.The goddess is convinced that humanity is worth saving but Heihachi breaches its heart and takes control.

So let's wrap this up!
A double-team Devil Lazer/Sky-Rocket SuperPunch destroys the earth goddess and 'hachi. Jin recognises the Irony of an animal and a robot saving the world from a manmade evil, and tells Xiao that next they met, prepare to kill him. And so the film ends in Heihachiland, as Xiao convinces a repaired Alissa to join the next tourney, as she has motion capture data of the 3 Generations.

THIS FILM IS...ACCAPTABLE!
After Live Action. this is a step-up from that turd. But first negatives. Unless you follow the game Series, you will be lost to the plot. Second the unlikable one-shot Charecter of Shin. If you wanted to tell us Orge was returning in the game, give us Orge and not this whiny, suicidal floppy haired pansy boy who couldn't take a punch. Next negative the annoyingly perky nature of Alissa. Why would a killer robot act like she does? okay i said she was human before a robot but why would anyone act like a giggly bimbo when on a mission? I refer to a scene where they are entering Mishima-tech and Alissa says she would rather find embarassing Yearbook photos of Ling!
Now the postives!
Animation was slick,  mouth movement lined up and story fitted the world we knew, rather that disregard it completly. Namco overlooked the production (for a change!) the script was written by Dai"Cowboy bebop" Saito and produced by Digital frontier, All Anime heavyweights.

So Tekken: Blood Vengeange. A tekken film done by people who know what they're doing!

CREDITS
Tekken blood vengeance review was written, edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham.
With clips from:
Tekken Blood Vengeance
Music:
All the things she said by TaTu
All clips belong to there respected owners.
Tekken is property of Namco/Bandai and blood vengeance is produced By Digital frontier.
All rights reserved
Follow me on youtube at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment