The OFFICAL! ENDING FOR 3 TICKETS TO HELL 2013

Thank you so much, with a total of over 100, It's my deep pleasure to give you. The fifth mystery ending.

BEST ENDING! (81-100+ PAGEVIEWS)
AN ALL-OUT HADOU-KARA PUNCH! THE BLOW FELT IN ALL DIMENSION'S!
(The 4 beings stood on an artificial gravity platform. All around, the full majesty of the universe floated around them.)

FOOLISH HUMAN! YOU STILL WISH TO BE DELETED? DESTROYING YOU HERE WITH NO-ONE TO SEE IS DISAPPOINTING! AS A LAST REQUEST,CHOOSE THE BATTLEFIELD THAT WILL BECOME YOUR GRAVE!

I CHOOSE TO FIGHT ON A PLACE IN TIME AND SPACE WHERE HOPE FAILED.
(Master Control using it's processing power tapped in the very Forge of Creation and teleported to different time-zones. The Dark ages, but saw villagers revolt on the lord, maybe the Inquisition, but no! Maybe on different time lines but no, Every world had it's own tyrants and heroes and doing different searches at once was slowing down her processers)

ITEM NOT FOUND! ITEM NOT FOUND! ERROR! ERROR!

Cracks in the reality Master Control Made, were forming. Out of each person with the same powers of Eamonn came through.

There just isn't!

There just isn't a world where Hope doesn't win!

Sometimes it's easy,

Sometimes it's a long battle with many casualties, But in the end Hope win out, even if we are not there to see it!
(The sheer concurrence of an impossible event made Master control lose her physical form completely, turning into a unstable Liquid mass.)
ERROR! ERROR! IRRELEVANT! ALL IS IRRELEVANT! DELETE! DELETE! ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US! OUT OF CHEESE-ERROR! MELON MELON MELON! RE-DO FROM START!

Remember when you appeared in my fridge and took eighties lad? Do you remember what I said, It was something on the lines of

YOU ARE AN ANDROID BUT ME?

I AM A MAY'UN!
(HE PUNCHED THE MASTER CONTROL SO HARD THAT REALITY COLLAPSED ALL AROUND THEM! THEY WOKE UP BACK IN IRELAND!)

We did it! we killed a teenage gurl!  how comes people has trouble wi'dat?

Well then I'm glad we don't have to deal with her again! (Eamonn turns to see Joe-Jack's)

Wot's dat ye gotz dere, Mammie?

I gotz a fierce high tech mobile fone, so I have! It's a Tantalus 666-1300!

(The heroes jump at Mammie to take the phone, letting out a "NOOOOOO!" Between them. ending in a freeze-frame.)
THE END.

NEXT MONTH: THE TOOTH FAIRY!

3 TICKETS TO HELL: THE OPUS OF BLOOD AND CANVAS PART 3: 80'S LAD REVIEWS WALKING TALL

(THIS IS PART 3. PART 1 IS BELOW AND PART 2 IS AT PATHOFENLIGHTMENT.BLOGSPOT.COM)
(PREVIOUSLY AT 3 TICKETS TO HELL...
Master Control's plan to conquer Space/Time backfired. Despite atomising Joe-jack as predicted in Culchie Christmas Carol, and Plunging Eamonn into 1982, both of our heroes returned  our Earth to it's original time-line destroying the Drones and separating Edwin Tantalus from Master Control, Now an unstable mass of data, sets her gambit for the Final battle!)

(master Control's Stoic face dissolves as she is literally sparks with rage.
SYSTEM ERROR! SYSTEM ERROR! SYSSSSSSSSTEMMMMM ER-ER-ER-ERROR!
(She look at her hand it was now opaque.)
Masssster-er-er...... WHY-Y WWONT YOU HELP,HELP MEEEE?
DUUUUUDEEEE! THE NAME'S 80'S LAD!

I Suppose you're looking for an explanation. But in my explanation I will give you the explanation you didn't give me. You see are the most advanced machine ever made but everything learned by you was first acquired by Edwin the most intelligent human mind. How did it feel? being inferior, then equal to a human. Enough to kill you your Master!

...at least that was the plan. But You saw something I did. a blemish on his hand. After years of working with machinery, Edwin had concocted a terminal cancer. You couldn't let him die. Not out of Kindness, Machines lack a concept, but out of your own self-preservation! Despite Assimilating the minds of every doctor on Your Earth, you found out that Tantalus was going to die for the one thing that Machines cannot control! CHANCE!
CHANCE IS IRRELEVANT! HOPE IS IRRELEVANT! DELETE HOPE! DELETE CHANCE! DELETE! DELETE!

So we've come back because nothing sat right when SatanicOstrich said the figure that look like Joe-jack was not him. And you sending me back in time 1982, with his clothes that you used to brag of his demise, sealed your own faith. But why are you still here?
TANTANET REQUIRES ERRATIC ALGORITHM TO COST BE MORE  THAN 0!

Oh yes my existence in the 21st century. Something that doesn't belong in this time. In kidnapping me you thought you can have a continued existence. But I WAS FROZEN ALL YEAR! but if I was to bite the big 1, dude you'll jump hop in your Time Machine and replace me like a battery. genius, Until you encroach on you on your time-line eventually. Literally Running out of time. Joe-Jack, can you do the honours.
I surely can!
(he smashed up the Console of the time interface with an axe!)
Dis is Joe-Jack tiome t'shine! Oi getz t'breaks sumpting!

80's lad, we'll keep her busy while you do the important job,
Review a crappy film!

AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYH8DsU2WCk
DDDDUUUUUUDDDDE! IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK! AND IT LOOKS LIKE THE 80'S ARE BACK IN VOGUE DUDES AND DUDETTES!
But I can be a square for a few, This whole mess I my fault all because I over re-acted at Christmas 2011 (love-actually is shit actually review-Eamonn) to pop culture seemingly ruining other people's songs and making a living off them (I'm looking at you Fans of Flo Rida!) but every time something is remade is a parody or homage, People get confused and call everything a rip-off.

All I can say is in the immortal words of Trey Stone of South Park "There is no such things as New Ideas"

Hell 1 of Eamonn's favourite sites is Tv Tropes which was created for that very reason.
There are Originators of Ideas to which others have drawn Ideas from.
Without The simpsons, there would be no Family Guy
Without Tolkien, there would be no Pratchett
and if there was no Linkara, Eamonn would not be asked if he's really Linkara!
And I'm a Ersatz of 90'S Kid, oviviously!

The Closing chapter of this saga, is a remake of 80's film Walking tall, rewrote to fit a modern setting, was panned for that reason because we all know how people react to change right?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5AvrBFlJeMs

So lets close this final chapter as this Boy is not longer Left Behind!

So the film starts with the rock walking off a ferry into southern town, seeing the effects of recession and crime has changed the landscape. Stopping at a Lumber Yard, a cop-car stops as the man, Chris Vaughn asks for directions. the sheriff Watkins exposistes that Chris is a soldier returning home. he tells Chris that the Mill has being closed for 3 years, the former sheriff died in car crash and Watkins is running for mayor.

Chris' family are all policemen, he also has a nephew who gets disrespectful to him. the next day we see the reason why this film didn't do well. as you've seen already this month, Films with wrestlers don't attract the best and brightest. Point in Case, the co-star is Johnny "I'm only famous for nailing things to my balls!" Knoxville. Naturally, star of show with no acting=actor. He plays Ray, a reformed drug addict and the films odious comic relief. Playing football against Hamilton, the casino owner, turns into a Karting with Bowser moment. He sees Pete hanging with drug dealers, distracted, he loses the game, Hamilton invites Chris and his friends to the Casino.

So if my Bowser line was anything to go by, it's because Hamilton is the villain. When The Rock goes to the VIP room he gets the shock of his life!
"I'm in a film with Stephen Merchant and I play a what?"

No it's not the existence of TOOTH FAIRY, It's his ex-girlfriend stripping. At the craps table, a pissed off Chris exposes the cheating leading to a clustered fight scene, I Say Clustered because the 20-strong extras block most of the camera angles, I'd show you this but there is not one video clip of just the fight scene that's not private. Chris put up a good fight but is knocked out and tortured with a Stanley Knife.

Leaving Hospital with a huge scar on his chest, It's not long before Chris is fully healed, Hamilton goes to make Chris Head of Security at the Casino, When Chris tries to press Charges, it seems that the police is bought and paid for.

After a pointless scene where the ex-girlfriend coyly talks to Chris about working at the casino, pretending that he doesn't know, A phone call sends Chris to an abandoned building where Pete has taken Meth. A Backwards Hat(a style no child ever wore!) tells him that the security guys at the casino sold the Meth. So Chris Turns Vigilante and goes completely postal in the Casino.
After Channelling Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Chris puts Hamilton on Notice, Chris is now a wanted man and is quickly arrested.

Chris is put on trial and after firing his lawyer, pleads his own case. After showing his totally groody scars to the jury, Chris is tried not guilty and plans to become Sheriff.

The newly deputised Sheriff Vaughn fires all the crooked deputies and replaces them with....
(sigh) Guy who Nails his balls for a living.

After a montage where Ray the scumbag is trying to arrest, and is beaten up by his fellow scumbags, they arrest the casino's bar-man and chop up his car to get answers. Because that's in the Police Book of Conduct, Right?

At home, Chris' dad is worried that his son's methods will make his family targets. If anything kill Scummy Scumxville, he's provoking the felons.

So After a sex scene set to the WORST version of blue Monday, Ever made,EVER!
(LISTEN TO THIS SHIT-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyjNCFje8bc )
-Hamilton orders Vaughn's Truck to be blown up.
You destroy another guys trucks what did you expect?
The former Sheriff Watkins and his deputies shoot up the station as Hamilton's men kidnap Chris' family, as Ray who was on guard duty sleeps through the entire incident. Back at the station, Watkins proclaims loudly who he is. Do you know what would be worse? If the villain who exclaimed his identity was running for Mayor's Office! because that would be stupid!caught In the Crossfire the bar-man tells Chris the Meth-lab is the Mill, Ray proves he's not useless and kills one of the intruders

So Chris makes it down to the Mill and Uncovers the Meth Lab he finds Hamilton sitting all alone, unarmed on the factory floor
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dddAi8FF3F4

Sure Enough both men are sent through a trap door Hamilton switches from Suave to Ax Crazy with an Actual Axe! In the end, Jay Hamilton is arrested, the Mill is Re-opened and Ray is Stealing casino property and telling gay jokes. Truly a role-model for all policemen.

THIS FILM......IS ALRIGHT WHEN IT BOILS DOWN TO IT!
This not how you wanted this year's 3.X.T.H To end with a average film. The acting is mediocre, I only recognised Rocky and Scumsville in the cast. But it wasn't stupid or offensive(they put Knoxville on a long leash so he's not too odious!) this was just okay. But don't worry mi amigos!, we are not done dissing the Rock, Next month his most infamous film will be finally reviewed next month!

(Master Control surged with power as she raised her arms at length. The Waves of Energy permiated the surrounding areas. It was too much for the human heroes. When 80's lad Woke, he saw Eamonn's arm glowing with The Power. and Joe-jack watching over with his rifle cocked. He handed 80's Lad something)
MY KNIFE! THANKS BOGGER-DUDE!
(Dusting himself off, he Joined the battle to attack the Master Control Head-on!)

ITS UP TO YOU TO FINISH THE STORY!
INSPIRED BY LAST YEARS STORYLINE,5 ENDINGS HAVE BEING WRITTEN.
BY A TALLY OF COMBINED PAGEVIEWS FOR MAY FOR BOTH SITES, ONE WILL BE CHOSEN AS THE OFFICAL ENDING.
GET INVOLVED!

CREDITS
3 Tickets to Hell IV-The Opus Of Blood and Canvas was Written by, as Himself, Joe-jack and Eighties Lad, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham.
With music and clips from In Part 1
Airbourne and Jim Johnston-Turn up the Trouble
Star wars episode VI-Return of the Jedi.

In Part 2
Cena Sucks Rap by Kabal
Knightmare

In Part 3
New Order-Blue Monday
Flunk-Blue Monday
Nostalgia Critic
Star wars episode VI-Return of the Jedi

Behind Enemy lines and the marine are property of WWE FILMS, distributed by Fox.
Walking Tall is property of MGM.
All rights reserved.
All clips belong to their respected owners.

3 TICKETS TO HELL: OPUS OF BLOOD AND CANVAS PART 1: JOE-JACK REVIEWS BEHIND ENEMY LINES COLUMBIA

(JOE-JACK'S REVIEW IN BLUE)
(EAMONN'S LINES IN BLACK)
(MASTER CONTROL AND ALL IT'S CREATIONS IN GREY)
(AS THIS IS A REVIEW AS JOE-JACK, ALL SPELLING MISTAKES ARE INTENTIONAL)
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
EVER SINCE DEFEATING SATANICOSTRICH THIS TIME LAST YEAR, 80'S LAD DIFFICULTY TO ADAPT TO THE 21ST CENTURY MADE HIM AN EASY TARGET. TRICKED BY THE LORD OF DARKNESS, A HOME-SICK EIGHTIES LAD WAS SENT BACK IN TIME, IN DOING SO THE FABRIC OF SPACE/TIME TWISTED ITSELF WITH A WORLD WHERE 80'S LAD, NOW NAMED EDWIN TANTALUS, BECAME AN EVIL DESPOT WHO HAS DIGITISED HUMANITY INTO SLAVES AND THE EARTH IS NOW TERRAFORMED INTO A TIME MACHINE.

WITH THE KEY TO SURVIVAL A FORGOTTEN MEMORY, FOR THE 4TH TIME, BOGGER BOX OFFICE AND THE ENLIGHTENED PAGE FROM THE EDGE PULLS OUT OF STATION. TO GET ON THIS TRAIN YOU NEED NO RETURN IT'S A ONEWAY RIDE WITH....
3 TICKETS TO HELL!)

(We open to a pitched battle on Casa DiCulche, Eamonn and Joe-Jack are fighting against the Tantalus Drones)
GET TO ONE OF THE SHIPS, THERE IS AN INTERFACE THAT WILL GET YOU TO THE TIME MACHINE!
WUT? YE CAN WORKS MACHINES AND 80'S LAD WOZ DA ONE WHO MADES IT! WHY DO I HAS T'GO?
IT HAS TO BE YOU....It's me against the population of 2 Earths, I can only hold them off for so long before I'm ki....but you, if you can get to '82 the events of what happened from that point will reverse to our timeline. God Speed Joe-Jack!)

(With that Joe-jack left to stowaway on a Spaceship. dispatching the guard with his rifle. He got to the console of the ship. it was covered by a myriad of buttons and switches.)

How do I turn dis yoke on?
VOICE COMMAND MODE: TURN ON
Dat was handy! Alrite Compootah, show me where da time machine is.
DREADNOUGHT CLASS VEHICLE HAS TIME TRAVEL CAPABILITIES
Okie-doke. Send me back t'1982
PREPARING FOR TAKE-OFF! ESTIMATED TIME OF ARRIVAL:89MINS
Enough time t'review a fillium.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPp5gmTKalg
Welcome back to 3 tickets t'hell the TRIPLE FEATURE BONANZA, bought to you by bogger boxoffice and the Enlightened Page. Dis year our boxset is the Wrestling Superstars Boxset. we do a boxset every year. 2010 we reviewed dead or alive before anyone else in TGWTG (FOR A CHANGE!), 2011 We bombed a supermarket and last year Eamonn faced the horrors of Silent Hill and died...ov Laughter!

Dis year our boxset is films starring Wrestlers...and John Cena!
First I review da film with the man Eamonn called a "con artist" in his parody Linkara Lyrics. Ken Anderson, billed here as Mister Kennedy, once told a news crew he never took drugs after the Benoit Murders Scandal, until a drugs test showed up Steriods. Smooth.

He gets top billin' despite being only the supporting cast. Da pieces ov turf dat get shot up in the gunfights, they get more screen time!

So let's dig inta Behind Enemy lines:Columbia

We start with news archive footage of the situation in Columbia. In others words since it's current affairs Vince McMahon-Stylee, it's AMERICA, YAY! COUNTRIES NOT CALLED AMERICA,BOO!

We start in Miami as Kennedy is tailing a man called Largo but it's not an assasasasasasa-trying to kill him, it's actually an elaborate set-up to a birthday party. We are introduced to the Glorified Frat0boys, Largo played by that guy in Spiderman is actually our hero Macklin, as obnoxious taglines tells us the very base characters dey're supposed to have. Macklin is the Ladies Man, Holt (Kennedy) is the Big guy(despite being shoulder-length to the rest of his crew.) Armstrong the Jesus Freak, and Gaines and Derricks the Gadgeteer Genious who invented an explodin' cake.

We cut to a Market Place in Bogota following a Handsome Couple and Son
(sigh)
It's an akshun fillium, it's just started, it's based on terrorism and we dole out the Handsome couple!
This will not end well!
AAAAAAANNNNND FIVE MINUTES LATER, SHE AND DA CHILD ARE DEAD!

Turns out the man, Alvero is in da Colombian Army. A general says something to him at the funeral but we don't get any subtitles. Besides, da dialogue fer da Americans is so predictable that it would come to no surprise if da Spanish dialogue was predictable as well.

So the Douche Patrol are called into action to take down FARC who's revenue in cocaine worldwide has bought enough toys t'wipe out the Yanks!

So the Marines are dropped intah t'jungle, inflatin' a dingy down river, disarmin' a tripware but losin' da satellite feed in da process. Dey find da base, inside a peace conference between the Columbian government and FARC is disrupted by a 4th party militia, who kill all around to set up the Americans. Derricks and Armstrong are killed and Gaines captured. Holt can't believe how skilled to counter Marine tactics they were.

So Holt and Macklin are to be rescued, but are instead ambushed. America has being set up. however the newscast shows a witness has survived.

Macklin and Holt rescues gaines after he used Maccy D's to escape.
did he bribe the guards with a big mac? No, he used the tin foil to short out the fusebox long enough for a diversion. They rendez-vous at the hospital to interview General Veldez. He refuses to help but tells Macklin to find evidence. When Gaines tells Holt the vidpaks where stolen. Mackin scuba dives into a well to get them back. in the holding cell, the vidpaks have being wiped and put in plain sight
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dddAi8FF3F4
But fuck dat shit, I WANTZ A GENERIC GUN FIGHT!

After escaping the 3 marines go over the mission in their heads and remember Dey left a concealed camera in the fence, Dey find it uncamoflaged
please da vid-joe link above fer da same joke!

Here are da last five minnits squashed inta a paragraph. The Marines and Valdez capture Alvero but Valdez double cross dem. but when Macklin tells Alvero that Valdez is behind the bombing, he kills him. And so without giving aid to the people who property they destroyed or any kind of damage limitation, Da American's return home. 'coz a win is win!

Dis Fillium is so generic dat it defy's belief, so it does!
Da actin' is piss-poor, da plot dirt-simple, the script is so clichéd that if you watched it sound down, you'd know wot was said. Despite getting top billin' Joe Megenta is the star and even en, da clumps ov dirt shot up in the gun fights have more screen time. But every character is generic, so no emotional bonds with dem.
In Da End,
Behind Enemy lines Columbia: Less Colombian gold, more like Montezuma's Revenge.
DESTINATION ARRIVED.
(Joe-Jack turned towards an expected Master Control)
IRRELEVANT HUMAN! Did you honestly think you could steal my personal vehicle without me detecting it?
Actually...I did!
Your Intelligence Rating is pitiful. There is only 1 course of action available
DELETE!
(Master Control deleted Joe-jack, Leaving Nothing but ashes and clothes on the ship's bridge!)

1 DOWN,2 TO GO! ONLY TWO MORE REVIEWS LEFT FOR THIS STORYLINE TO END BUT  WITH JOE-JACK DEAD, THE OTHERS ARE BLISSFULLY UNAWARE OF THIS. HOW WILL EAMONN COUNTER, WILL EIGHTIES LAD WAKE IN TIME OR NOT AT ALL?

FIND OUT IN PART 2 ON THE ENLIGHTENED PAGE FROM THE EDGE!(pathofenlightment.blogspot.ie)

Eamonn reviews Magic Roundabout Part 2

(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
In a last-ditch effort to save 80's Lad from Master Control, a chance discovery of this months entry may lead to him back home.
Review-wise, Eamonn reviewed the 2005 film outing of the infamous, Magic Roundabout, a french cartoon without plot or any story-telling devices to it, beloved for its allusions to drugs. With that in mind, before you go any further this piece of music will get you into the proper mindset.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SuuN7Uzpm_Q

With your heads fed, lets continue!

On the first leg of the journey in the Northern Mountains, Dougal does not help in setting up camp, he has also has smuggled sweets that he doesn't share with the others. 'Trudes off-key scales causes an avalanche that purposely destroys all but 1 gobstopper.
PLOT ITEM!
On guard-duty, Dougal is captured by Zeebad who interrogates the "dim-witted draft excluder" into revealing the location of the other diamonds, to which he doesn't know but lets spill that's there is a map. But the others rescue him, letting Brian drop a memento.

So our heroes get cornered and summon Zebedee, despite being evenly matched and Zebedee now a fire-Elemental, Zeebad's underhandedness has frozen Zebedee to the point of all he can do is watch his brother's wicked ways become reality.

So the first map tells them to traverse a molten lave lake across a fragile rock bridge.
High Drama and Tense Peril.
You Know, For Kids!

They find the first diamond but Zeebad ambushes them and steals the map and the diamond. the others are angry that Dougal told him about the map. Zeebad destroys the bridge but Dylan uses train's furnace, the tent and the Magic Box to make a balloon.

So after a scene where we get some Character motivation for 'Trude, Brian and Dougal(her dreams of grandeur over Brian's unrequited love, Dougal's grief that his best friend will die because of his actions), We cut the fuck out of nowhere into a musical Interlude to ELO's Mr Blue Sky. this could have easily being edited as both the opener or the ending sequence. It's a chance for me to enjoy the sublime animation and who doesn't like this song?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWo3AG6ecbg

But enough of Trivialities, back to the "plot"

So our heroes follow Zeebad and Sam's boat to a tropical island complete with Cliched Temple of Doom. Brian clears the path of traps while complaining that he is never appreciated. Train goes in but falls through the floor. In the Throne Room Dougal finds the second Diamond, but activates the laser grid. 'Trude shows uncharacteristic grace in retrieving the diamond but dougal inadvertently spits out his gobstopper, summoning an Army of the Undead, But Dylan knows kung fu, he quickly dispatches the skeletons, who Fusion Dance into 1 creature, but a conveniently Trap door. The distraction is enough for Sam to retrieve the diamond. After a train chase, Dylan accidentally springs a blinded Brian onto Zeebad's train, who blurbs about the roundabout. He concludes that the diamond is there. Not that the Writers had written themselves into a corner. No way. The Snail is rescued when the heel's train blows up. But Train is injur-i mean broken and can't go on. Zeebad leaves Sam literally without a leg to stand on. The Heroic Animals are trapped in a snowstorm one by one they fall tired. Until dougal finally succumbs having a trippy near death experience. in a sugar filled heaven with hundreds of Florence whose smile and laugh has become Nightmare Fuel. he wakes up as a moose finds Sam whose Legs have magically reattached. Dougal wakes the others as they realise they had being outside the village the whole time.

Searching the roundabout Zeebad attacks Sam, who had the Diamond all the time.
A Pink,
Fist sized,
HEART-shaped diamond that gave him life and the villain pulled it out of his chest.
if you dwell on it had enough, it does become nightmare fuel.

With all 3 diamonds, Zeebad has won. Dougal returns to see that florence has died of hypothermia

They killed a character on-screen in a children's film. I bet that led to some awkward conversations.

Anyway in a last stand against Zeebad, Dougal finds out that Ermintrude's off key singing can break the ice, enough for the roundabout to gain it's magic back.

So let's wrap this up!
The heroes put the Diamonds back into the roundabout, it's energy tossing Zeebad over a cliff, the ice melts freeing Zebedee and brings Florence and Sam back to life. And so our little trip ends with Dougal showing self control only begging for 1 sugar lump.

 And you know, not facing any consequences in bringing Nuclear Winter or freeing Cluthlu.Nope. Nothing like that.

And some sequel Bait, showing Zeebad climbing up the cliff. Canal Plus missed a trick, if a moustached villain survives being thrown of a cliff, you play this music!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bScXi5Hink
THIS FILM....HAS ME TORN!
The Animation is slick, the A-list voice staff do very well in Carrying Robbie Williams and Kylie Minogue, the latter of which was giving flat deliveries. (given that Kylie's track record in "acting" includes Neighbours, Biodome, the SECOND Worst doctor who Christmas Special and...THAT VAN DAMME FILM!...it comes to no surprise.

But all the A-list voices and great animation can not save TMRA From it's clunky, almost mood-swing like direction, it's nudge-and wink allusions to Drug Culture, and basically not knowing what audience to pander to. In the End, you have a film that defies any real audience enjoyment. But does it deserve it's place in Imdb's bottom 100? NO. But does it have it's fair share of Flaws? YES!

(Eamonn took out the Dvd. Joe-jack looked at him loading his rifle.)
We don't know wot will come out if you use Da Power on Dat Davey-Day!
We must. the more Master control creates Tantalus Phones,  the more drones he creates and the more anchored into this timeline he becomes.
(Eamonn put his hand on the dvd, the Satanic Power that he inadvertently stole to make fiction into reality from his own deal with Satan 1 year ago, produced the Diamonds. the diamonds exploded as ripples of Space/Time adjusted themselves. From the flash of light, an exhausted 80's Lad fainted.

"We got 80'S Lad back. do you think they noticed?"
(pointing out the Window)
Oh I tink dey Noticed.
(Outside the effects of the timeline adjustment had worked. but not in our heroes favour. Outside Master Control had amassed an army of drones, clones, Giant futuristic weapons, itself manifested as a floating screen.
IMMENSE POWER SOURCE DETECTED. OPERATION: OBTAINMENT! DELETE ANY ORGANICS THAT MAY OBSTRUCT PROGRAM!

THE FINAL BATTLE WILL BE RAGED IN MAY AS 3 TICKETS TO HELL RETURNS.BUT BEFORE THAT, MY MYSTERY GUEST AND I WILL REVIEW THE ENTIRE TWILLIGHT SAGA NEXT MONTH!

CREDITS
Magic roundabout was Reviewed, Edited and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham.
with Music and clips,
In Part 1:
Magic Bus by the who.
And in Part 2:
White Rabbits by Jefferson Starship.
Magic Roundabout
Black Winter Sky from Tekken 2.
The Magic Roundabout is property of the estate of Serge Danot, in association with BBC, FRANCE 2, Canal plus, Nickelodeon and distributed by Pathe Films. All rights reserved. and all music and clips belong to their respected owners.
follow me on Youtube at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment

Eamonn Reviews The Magic Roundabout Movie Part 1

(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...)
In exchange for a forgotten memory, Joe-Jack put his very soul on the line in a Ghost Town, However, the film triggered the Rascist Alarm, calling Eamonn to Action, thus nulling the contract. But However the SatanicOstrich let slip a shocking revelation. The figure that looked like Joe-jack that pushed Edwin Tantalus into a shop freezer in 82, was not him! Reeling from this revelation we cut the lunch room of Enlightened Towers

...Maybe 80's lad left us a clue?
-Wotyamean?
-If Edwin Tantalus is an alternate version of our 80's Lad then that means they must share more than just appearance. Maybe 80's Lad is a latent genious.
-Ya mean he's made o'condoms?
-How can anyone mistake the word Latent with latex...It means he must have known that someday this will happen. and no doubt left something that will get him back.
(Searching the room, they find his diary un-written for 31 years. On christmas 2012 the note Sick of 21 Century, might do something i regret. on march of last year, the message EAMONN, IF ALL ELSE FAILS, USE THE POWER ON THIS With today's film taped on the page.)

AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
This weeks theme: Magic Bus by the Who
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bl9bvuAV-Ao

We here as Internet reviewers are in the business of Nostalgia, While personal taste is an x-factor the real Litmus Test for nostalgia is Age and Background. As i said before we didn't have Dragonball in Ireland but The U.K. with Sky did. At that time, You had shows that were only on Sky and shows that were only on Terrestial. Hell i was content as a child to get the welsh stations really clear until the Mount Leinster station switched to digital.

Ah  Irish and British 90's childrens tv eh, I'm sure I'm bringing back memories of Zig and Zig and Dustin the Turkey on the Den, Dara o'Briann With Hair! Blue Peter, the return of How and Knightmare, A pre-Disney takeover of Art Attack. Citv without annoying presenters, Live and Kicking, Beast wars and Beast Machines on a fledgling Tv3.

One programing block for children that you didn't want to watch was Channel 4's block of 20+ year old cartoons sold cheap by BBC. Including the original cartoons of todays film.

The Magic Roundabout is a French Stop-Motion series from the sixties. The Plot to this series? ASK ME ARSE! Because no-one knows if they're was a plot or if any of the episodes has any arc or device to them. In other words. every ep was Bat-shit Crazy! and thus was deemed a pre-school program. Suffice to say that because of it's lunacy it had a cult following with stoners!

Before i start I'm Reviewing The English Dub and not the far worse American Dub.

So the film begins rather excitedly for a kiddies film as Zebedee (the Voice of Sir Ian Mckellen) is chased by a simaler springed creature, whose touch can freeze things. It pushes Zebedee of a cliff, but it's all a dream, He exclaims it's Name, Zeebad

Zeebad.
It's a kids film i know but bit on the nose on terms with the name i think.

So the Opening shows us the village that the Magic Roundabout surrounds. I always thought that the Roundabout sent the children to Dougal's world and not sharing a shared existance. But be that as it may, we are Introduced to our Heroes, Sugar Dependent dog Dougal (voiced by Robbie Williams), Voice of reason, Florence (Voice of Kylie Minogue), Cultured Cow(no not an insult, she really is a cow!) Ermintrude(Joanna Lumley) and Hippy Rabbit Dylan(Bill Nighy)

Ermintrude is hosting an operetta as lovestruck snail Brian (Jim"The-English-Guy-whose-In-Everything"Broadbent) Looks on. As 'Trude sings badly, Dyan starts to play You Really got me going by the Kinks. Distracted no-one sees that Dougal has left to upturn a sweet truck. Remember I said that this show has a following towards drug Culture? Well Dougal is addicted to some White Powder, man!:Sugar!

While trying to steal all the sweets, Dougal goes on a joyride that crashes into the roundabout freeing Zeebad(voice of Tom Baker)and a toy soldier and Freezing the children inside. So the animals summon Zebedee who wants to plunge the world into Nuclear Winter. Zeebad gives life to the toy soldier called Sam (the voice of Ray Winston), a stereotypical Niven-esque, Queen and Country, Old boy-type charector, played for laughs, he sends sam on a mission to collect 3 magical diamonds, Diamonds our heroes need to break the spell. To that end, Zebedee gives Dylan a map, A box of Tricks and a Train. (voiced by Lee Evans)

A Train,and not a magic Bus! Think about it though, Dougal can ride for sixpence each day, just to get to his favourite babe!

Part 2 the first week of March!

Eamonn Reviews Ghost town part 2

(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
Convinced of owning Joe-Jack's soul, SatanicOstrich gave Joe-jack the chance for redemption. By reviewing Ricky Gervais' Ghost town, A romantic comedy with all the warmth and tenderness of a sledge-hammer to the love spuds! After reviewing a scene with an I.R.A Ghost, the Racist Alarm Made Eamonn become the writer for the remainder of this storyline.

So we meet Richard the Lawyer (Billy Campbell), the new man in Gwen's life. As expected the new man seems to be perfect in every way, Making Frankie bitch and moan. It's become apparent that when Frankie said "mind" his wife he meant "control".

So Richard is in fact a humanitarian Lawyer, who tries to recruit Pincus to go to Peru to give free dental care. Pincus being a rich asshole,flinches at the word "free". Gwen Mentions she needs to walk her puppy, which turns out to be a Great Dane.

Now where did I see that before?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQD_lWIUGN0
Oh and in case i had to tell you,Only fools was funnier when they did it!

In a bar, Frankie is making rude gestures Over shoulder so Pincus tricks her into spilling some home truths about Frankie. She also reveals she knew about the affair he had before he died. Pincus reveals his disqualification from the human race for shoving is because of a broken heart.

Pincus feels that frankie is little more than jealous of Richard. To complicate things, Pincus is in love with Gwen. After finding out that Frankie is longer speaking to Pincus at a one-to-one basis, Every undead asshole starts bothering Pincus.
Turns out none of them died with Blackberry in their pockets. Richard arrives at Pincus' surgery. he tells him that he and Gwen had split up and she is going to Cairo. Frankie is delighted but wonders why he hasn't passed on.

Maybe it's because you are a jealous prick who didn't want your wife to move on with her own life that you purpoursely hook up the only man who can see or hear you up with your widow? DO YOU THINK THAT MIGHT BE THE REASON?

So Pncus give a present but when he calls her a pet-name Frankie use to call her, she gets suspicious. Pincus confesses and naturally Gwen does not believe him and resolves that he knew Frankie when he was alive. But Gwen gives Pincus the benefit of a doubt and asks Pincus to ask frankie a question only he knew. In case i haven't mentioned it Everyone who is dead is either an idiot or an asshole, Frankie gives Pincus the wrong answer,and makes gwen angry. Pincus asks why he did that. Frankie says he wont have his wife be with a selfish asshole, she was just married to one! Harsh.

So trying to het his colleague to write him a prescription to end it all, Bhaljeet finally calls out on Pincus' Prickish behaviour. So 1 by 1, Pincus helps every ghost pass on.

So lets end our suffering!
Gwen is convinced of Pincus' otherworldy powers before he is killed by a bus-despite standing all scene on a fucking PAVEMENT!, Richard revives him, Frankie crosses over and Pincus is no longer an asshole and considers the newly re-brotroed Gwen and Richard to be his closest friends.

THIS FILM SUCKS!
How could the critics for the Mail and Sun get it so wrong? While this is a concept that would work well with any other actor, they had to pick Gervais, Who Charector is Sexist, racist and not shy of questionable behaviour. Kinnear Charector of the heavy-drinking, adulterous Play-boy who wants to spend his after-life continuing to control his wife is no better. The premise's weight cracks into a huge plot-hole, Frankie's BlackBerry. We are told early that the dead appear in the clothes they died in and by proxy whatever was in their pockets at the time can be pulled out. While it was really product placement, Frankie mention that his blackberry had 4 BARS! Why he couldn't have went to voicemail with his apoligees, I will never know. Positives: Tea Leoni was magnetic in every scene emotional scene, But i don't think comedy is her strong point. and it was refreshing to see that the other man in a rom-com not a paper-thin villian.
Of course thanks to me being scarred by Leap Year, this film gets BBO'S First ever Rascist Alarm AUTOMATIC FAIL!

CREDITS
Ghost Town review was written by,  as Joe-Jack and himself, edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham.
with clip from Only fools and Horses
Clip is property of BBC
and Ghost town is property of Dreamworks Studios.
All rights reserved.
If you have a suggestion for a film that I can review, either type your suggestions in the comment box below or  the Official Bogger Box Office Request thread at the ThatGuyWithTheGlasses forum. Its in Your Request videos.

Joe-Jack Reviews Ghost Town

(As Joe-jack is reviewing part 1, all spelling mistakes are intentional.)
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
Joe-Jack was given the chance to atone for his past deeds by the ghosts of Christmas also gaining insight into how to destroy the creature known as Master Control. In revealing this, the last spirit revealed himself to be Satanic Ostrich, the Devil of the Enlighteniverse, who is convinced Joe-Jack's soul is his, Satan has darkened the doors of Enlightened Towers)

(Joe-Jack opens the door to see satan standing in Hell.

YOU'RE DOOMED! YOU BELONG TO ME FOREVER!!!
I tole ya, i aint payin' no property Tax!
(SLAM!)
-No it's me you cretinous...cretin, The Lord of Darkness!
-Oh Right! Now, wot's dis abou' ownin me soul?
Because i do....
Noah! noah ya don't cause last month woz....(hold on)....MAMMY!
(WOT?!?)
WOT WOZ DAT BIG TOWNIE WORD DAT TOWNIE BASTID USE T'DESCRIBE LASHT MONTH'S REVIEW?
(NON-CANON!)
DAT'S RIOTE, Non-cannon, it didn't hav' a cannon in it, not even soljas! so sweep be fucked!

Don't be so hasty! Remember you said that you don't remember pushing Edwin Tantalus into the freezer at mary's shop in 82? what if i restore that memory!
After sending 80's lad t'another dimension? i suppose i have no choice
there is of course, a catch!
yeah?
you must review a film for your soul! You survive, you get your stolen memrory. You fail, I get your soul in exchange for this man's
(the foul feathered fiend held a glass ball in the palm of his wing, in the ball the soul of Ricky Gervais did the brent dance in endless loop!)

he sold his soul to me!
-to make him funny?
-to convince the world he was!
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!

Hallo Joe-jack here, today reviewin' for my very soul, A film starin' da Unfunny Goblin himself, Ricky Ger-Vase! Gervase's Komedy is akin to seein' a Happy-Slappin', you laugh at first but then you feel sorry for da bastard. But dat has not stopped da papers fer callin' him a Komedy genious! he has to send an idiot and a midget t'out foriegn t'raise a laugh! but we are laughing at dem not GerVase!

AnyRoad, da Fillium starts wif a man's voice asking if anyone iz there?
"Why are there so many empty seats?"
No, da voice belongs to Frankie(Greg Kinnear), who is channelin' Jimmy stewart with his nasally accent, speakin t'his wife (later revealed to be played by Tea Leoni) about buying an apartment for their anniversary. Meanwhile, a family ov Black Stereotype are getting rid of a stolen air conditioner.
Out of a window.
Ov a flat.
A few stories high.
In New york.
A city famous for it Law Enforcement both of Murders and Enviromental Laws.

And while that might have being a whimsical "what-are-da-odds" way ov killing Frankie, he is actually killed by a green screen bus that turns into a real bus.
(To Paraphase Chris Jericho, no that doesn't look like a fucking comedy bus to us!)
So Frankie is a ghost who feels terrible abou' leavin' his wife to live without him.

We now cut to Doctor Bertram Pincus (Gervais), a dentist.

Dat's funny cos oi'd rather have me teeth pulled out be rusty pliers than watch anything with Ricky Ger-vase in it.

After fiove minnits ov stock footage of Dentistry Equipment. We see the real reason Oi don't like Ger-Vase. he always plays pricks.
So Pincus' real problem is dat he is so focused on his job that he was no time for friends.
or Conversation.
or hobbies,
Children,
Pets,
Charity,
Human warmth!

To dat end, he takes 3 bottles of Heavy Duty Laxative!
(keep it classy, Ricky keep it fucking classy!)

After stayin' in hospital after an overdose and followin' operation, he leaves and accosts the nurses for smoking outside, speaking to a nurse OVIVIOUSLY dressed in 40's nurses' attire because she is a ghost, gets all the ghosts in new york to follow him.

the next day Pincus is told he died on the operation table. Which is the explanation to why he can see da dead.

No.
No Dat's not an explanation!

So Frankie gets Pincus alone so he can convince hin to mind his widow.
An' dat iz da plot t'Ghost Town.
Actually dat's da plot t'Ghost Whisperererererer and if i had a choice, I'd pick Jennifer Love-Hugetits anyday ov da week.

We are told that the dead appear in the clothes they die in. and by proxy what they have in dere pockets can be pulled put. Turns out dat frankie has a Blackberry with four bars! but da batteries has died. as he was playing tetris.
Because da plot says so!

Any way, Frankie tells Pincus that his wife will marry a lawyer. After convincin' the other dead to back off, Frankie cources Pincus-Without-A-Brian to seduce his wife.

Turns out dat Pincus has being a real jerk t'Gwen since his building.

Frankie tries t'give Pincus advice but he Ignores da Deceased Don Juan, After dicussing the jawbone of a mummy she was studying.(she is an Eygptologist), Gwen invited Pincus to study it with her.

So Gwen and Pincus have a date and what do you take about as an Icebreaker?
how about a MUMMY'S FULLY PERSERVED ERECT PENIS IN A JAR?

Despite the dick jokes and the fact it's ger-vase tellin' dick jokes, Gwen warms up t'Unfunny Goblin, inviting him to da unveiling of a new egyptian Display. While trying t'check on Gwen he is intreruptted be a ghost ov a naked man and ov a...(sigh)
I.R.A. TERRORIST!
(WHAT?)
(racist alarm!!)
tag!
I'll be finishing this film now.Part 2 it's going to be on!

Spurned by the cry of the Racist Alarm, Eamonn takes up the challenge of finishing the review for his frie-acquaintance's soul. Next week, on bogger box office-Plus Big Announcement!

Eamonn reviews Semi-Pro

....AND WE ARE BACK IN 2013!
If you thought that last year's adventures into celluloid shite were great then prepare of this year's thrill ride. Since it's January new beginnings and all that, I'm doing something i never done before, but wanted to...
Review an American Sports film!

Apart from wrestling, I don't give two fucks about sport. And Films about sports we don't play or are bad at? Sorry Will Ferrell but Ireland is still full of short white people to play basketball at a world level!

With that in mind, lets don Afros and tiny shorts to watch semi-pro.

So the film begins in the 70s as paper articles in a scrap book tells the story of Jackie Moon (ferrell), A one hit wonder singer turned player-manager of the Flint Tropics, but his half baked promotions(such as Gerbil Night and Dime Beer) and lacklustre performance in the league threatens bankruptcy. So The local team is introduced by moon in a succession of one-liners (including how Michael jackson looks creepy)

During a game with New york, Jackie cost points by travelling to accost a staffer for bringing outside food. Arriving late is Flint's top-scorer, Clarence (Andre Benjamin) He scores a 3-pointer but flint is still losing.

At half time Jackie introduces a half court challenge for $10,000 (money he doesn't have!)-And you know what happens next!

So with the tropics bottom of the league and needing $10,000 to pay a hippy, Jackie decides to drown his troubles in his club,making the dj play his song again, much to the chagrin of the players.

Now we get the plot after 20 minutes. The players are spreading a rumour that the league is dissolving. Instead Jackie says that the ABA is in fact merging with NBA that he will not let his players down, calling himself "bambi's Mother." the other players make fun of that fact before i do.

At the meeting it's confirmed that there will be a merger,Jackie rubs it in the other teams faces that he is a"real" manager however after arguing they settle that the top 4 teams that will be added to the nba, It's a race against time no team has ever being in ninth and last and won, let one win fourth place. So Jackie sells his washing machine to trade for Ed Monix (woody Harrellson), a player who's drunk and aggressive nature got him demoted and divorced.

Speaking of which, we cut to his ex-wive, lynn and her new boyfriend Kyle,who is fan of monix
AWKWARD!
...It turns out they live in Flint and she has a restraining order against him.

On the bus to st Louis, Clarence makes fun of Monix for winning a championship ring with even playing one game for Celtics.

After getting into an argument with Fr. Pat the Referee, the priest insults Jackie's dead mother, this makes Jackie eject the team and forfeit the game.
And there is more bad news, The Board has issued that teams must have 2000+ fans in attendance every home-game, so for tv buzz the team wears eye-liner and fights the opposing team during ad-breaks. Monix is angry with what happened that he upturns a cop-car. Lynn bails him out and discusses there divorce when she leaves, Clarence,Twiggy and Anton convince Ed to coach the team, to Jackie's Annoyance but is convinced to handle only the promotions. Monix orthodox methods includes a drill without a ball called "The Puke"....Guess what happens next!

And it pays off! the Tropics are more polished in their match. But Jackie's promotion gets in the way again as he advertises free Corn-Dogs if the Tropics win by 125 points, an errant ball by Vikidis makes the win by 129. Once again it's a promise that Jackie cannot keep.

We get a montage of the tropics Steady rise to 5 place,Clarence has changed his name to Coffee Black
Ed has sex with Lynn seemingly while Kyle is out, but Kyle is watching them!
AWKWARD!!
Jackie's Outlandish promotional stunts continue as he fails to jump the ball girls and wrestles a bear.
(Eamonn laughs at the scene, but looks over to see an elephant on it's hind legs with it's fore legs crossed.)

OH,Dont act like you don't see me!
-Aren't you a gimmick by Mr Big-Shot In Chicago?
-No I'm free to show up when need!
-Why are you here?
(Sigh!) You know the bear in this film killed it's handler,right?
Okay you got me! I can't avoid the elephant the room! Rocky the bear did kill his handler after this film, but it was months after this film was released. It's a tragedy but a footnote really!

The Commissioner tells the team that the tropics will not merge with the NBA. This causes Jackie to get depressed, and trades Coffee to the Spurs.

Jackie gets back to form when Monix finds him in a dumpster. So the team has final meeting to prepare for its final game. It's nothing but sport we don't Play very well in Ireland so lets wrap it up!

Jackie gets knocked out has a near-death experience,Coffee returns to the tropics,and Jackie's dead mother(context!) gives Jackie the winning play, The commish is eaten by the bear, and the story ends with the hippy getting his prize money from Jackie's NBA Buy-out!

THIS FILM....AND I MUST STRESS THIS....DOES! NOT! SUCK!
Despite the weak setting and the fact that American sports films bomb in Europe, there is a lot in Semi-pro to keep you entertained. Ferrell as the naive incompetent Title character is a riot, Andre 3000 Is a Revelation, as is the spotlight stealing Will Arnet, Woody Harrellson storyline could easily have being cut.
This film though, I strongly recommend!

CREDITS
Semi Pro review was written compiled and edited by Eamonn Bermingham
Semi Pro is distributed by Entertainment On Video
All rights reversed.
Follow me on Youtube at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment

A culchie christmas carol Part 4: the future, redefined!

(Joe-Jack's lines in blue)
(Eamonn's in Black)
(MASTER CONTROL IN GREY)
(SATANIC OSTRICH IN RED)
(The phantom crept towards Joe-jack. When it came near him, Joe-jack fell to his knees.)
Are ya d'ghost of christmas yet t'come?
(it nodded)
Y'ar abou' t'show me da shadows ov what will happen" he stammered "AMIROITE?"
(it nodded)
Spirit ov da future! Oi fear ye more dan any ghost oi hav' seen, but oi know ye are here to save me! But will ye not spake?
(He gave no reply, instead he pointed a feathered down the street.)

(They travelled to traintracks out of a tunnel, the express train to hell hurtled out at screaming speeds. the conductor shook his head as he thrusted into Joe-jack's Hand a Ticket to Hell:ONE WAY!
The train spat out the man and spirit into a futuristic but dystopian city)
Jaysus! I must be 100 yar in da future!
(the spirit held 1 finger)
One year from now?
(It nodded)
how is dat possible?
(It pointed down the street)
(As Joe-Jack walked he realised he didn't see a single person. Or any shops retaining to the welfare or existance of a person. No grocers, tailors furnishers,schools or chruches. Every available wall was covered in 2 words. TANTALUS CORPORATION)

(The spirit stopped and pointed down to a manhole. After agrueing to no avail, Joe-jack climbed down into a headquarters of some sort. On desk on a CB Radio was an unwashed, unshaven man that Joe-jack barely recognise as Eamonn.)

25TH OF DECEMBER 2013
This message is played on all analog FM Frequncies.It's the only way that master control will not find me. but i will decrypt the my co-ordinates at the end of this transmission. This message is to any survivors of the Digital Rebellion. though it's increasly unlikely that fact is. I've discovered the plan of Edwin Tantalus,long thought to be my friend, The 80'S Lad. However I discovered that since our eighties lad was taken, digitial Anomalies appered that merged our world with an alternate timeline where Eighties lad returned to the 80's with our 21 century knowledge and merged the anomalies into self-aware phones, in Alternate 90's, the alternate 80's lad now calling himself Edwin Tantalus, launched TantaNet before Internet causing information to be downloaded straight to the synapic nodes to the brain. Tantatlus abused his creation by becoming the most intelligent organic mind on Earth.by creating the most Intellegent machine on Earth, the TantaNet Control. but the Program absorded Tantulus, The" Master" into the being called Master Control. Since then we discovered the factory was creating Time Machines and to fix the time-line, we had to sent Joe-jack back to the eightes. But Joe-jack refused to help. And was picked off by a Drone brigade. I say picked off...Atomised really!

(Joe-jack reared back and put a palm up to his hand, holding back the urge to vomit.)
And now my message today is Christmas Day. To any survivors I invite those who are lonely to come to my base and those who have each other to stay and celebrate. Christmas is A state of mind, it is Love,Togetherness and Understanding, it's those things that make us Human! We may be hunted like Dogs,Experimented on like vermin and Killed like Rats, But we are STILL HUMAN! Civilisation may have killed Humanity but It'll be Compassion that will bring us back.
COMPASSION DOES NOT COMPUTE!
(Eamonn turned to see a young petite woman in a silver catsuit with short blone hair that ending in bangs.Despite her frail appearance. Eamonn recognised that he was in the presence of Master Control.)
How did you find me?
IRRELEVANT HUMAN.I HAVE SUBVERTED THE ELECTRICAL GRID OF THIS ENTIRE PLANET. YOU COULD NOT HAVE HIDDEN FOREVER.
Please there are Children here don't hurt them!
The Incomplete Human-Units designated"Children" have being Deleted!
-What?
-Any human's that have knowledge that i have previously acquired is no use.And therefore the Incomplete Units were not need.DELETION OF ORGANIC LIFE:99.9%
You Bastard!
Implement Combat Mode, Be warned Human you are irrelevant.
-Do you not know who you dealing with?
-All Humans are Irrelevant!
(Eamonn made a fist that surged with magical flames)
OH REALLY?
SUBJECT: EAMONN BERMINGHAM REASON:ANTI-LOGICAL WEAPON: THREAT LEVEL:CRITICAL
Implement Anti-Magical weapon Counter program!
HADOU-KARA PUNCH!
COMMENCE SPACIAL PHRASE DENSITY TO 5%
(the last human's magical fist when through the diabolical digital demon.)
RESET SPACIAL DENSITY TO DEFAULT SETTING
(Master Control Solidified chopping off Eamonn's fist. Drone squad picked it up, probably to do tests on it potential to be a new power source.)
DELETION OF ORGANIC LIFE:100%
(Joe-Jack turned away but could still hear Eamonn scream that came to sudden abrupt end. He had being Atomised.)

Please tell me that my refusal t'help Eamonn meant his death next year? Is this a shadow of things t'come or mioght be? I CAN NOT,SEEING THIS, HAVE THIS ON MY SOUL
YOU'RE SOUL IS MINE,BITCH!
(The cowl flew up with theatric abandon  in storm of flame, smoke,feathers and chains. The spirit of the future was SatanicOstrich! as the chains wrapped around Joe-Jack,it was no more than his bed sheets wrapped around him.)
I'M ALIVE! I FEEL SO GIDDY SO EXCITED, But just t'make sure...
(he called out the window to a boy walking past)
You boy! Wot's today?
It's christmas day
I haven't missed it, thank god! Ya know da butchers in town? Is dere a goose in da window?
-I Would say so, It being a butchers and all!
(What a clever boy!) i will give ye 20 if ya buy it for me
Yeah right!
-I'm being earnest,and do it in 5 minutes, I'll give ya fifty!
(That night Eamonn had an unexpected 2 guests , 20lb goose and Joe-jack much to the shock of the female guest who bad-mouthed him.)
Who invited that prick?
I don't know he invited himself i don't know why he is acting this way but God Help Us!
 God Help Everyone!

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM ME AND I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU LOG ON HERE AND THE ENLIGHTENED PAGE FROM THE EDGE AGAIN IN THE NEW YEAR

EAMONN

A Culchie christmas carol: Milk of Human Kindness, Gone off!

(Joe-Jack lines in blue)
Eamonn's lines in black
(IGNORANCE/NICK GRIFFIN LINE IN BLOOD)
(WANT/PARIS HILTON LINE IN PINK)
(PADRAIG'S LINE IN GREY)

(Hoping that sleeping in his bed would make his mind the difference between fantasy and reality, Joe-Jack went to bed.But woke at the stroke of One. As before, the clock wound it's hands to the hour. He established a sharp look-out for he wished to challenge the spirit on his appearance, as before a light signaled his arrival, as the lights was as dissimilar to the others as the spirits were themselves dissimilar.This was not the light as harsh as his father, or as dim as 80's Lad, This was the ruddy light of house-bulb. it was his kitchen light the crack of light followed as the kitchen door opened, the smell of hot meat and dried fruit wafted through, accompanied by a loud voice.
"Come In" it guffawed. "And know me better,man!"

The kitchen has been transformed, the wall covered in living green from red berries glistened. Heaped as some kind of throne were turkeys, geese, game-pies,poultry,brawn,a backboard of ribs, suckling pig on the table, long wreathes of sausages, mince-pies caskets of fresh and dried fruit, chestnuts, ice-cream,apple-tarts. The Giant Spirit took the form of Eamonn, in his hand a horned cup, Like the Horn of Plenty. filled with,being that the spirit took the form of Eamonn,some kind of Energy drink.

"Well of course it had t'be ye! Look at ya! wif ya big Happy head on ya! Y'are a perfect example ov wot Chtistmas does t'ya! Look at ya! Fat on food ye can't afford,paid wif money squandered. Look at ya wif ya head of missle-toes and ya bath-robe!"
"You've never seen the likes of me before?
"Oh! i've seen gobshites like ye before!
Then you never seen my two thousand and eleven brothers?
What happened t'dem? DIDYA EAT'EM FATBOY?
(The spirit shrank to the size of a man and hit Joe-jack over the brow of his head with his chalice)
Touch my robe
(he did,though only with the compulsion of not being hit again.)
(When he did,the food vanished.)
Awww, Oi was so weak wif hunger, i'd bite the butt of a low-flyin' duck, so i would!
If it's food you desire,here is a dish you never had.
(he poured a creamy liquid from a flask into his chalice. It was a silver-sheened substance that had a milky texture, it had the taste of milk too, but though served at room temperature, it warmed up the chest of the miser as it passed through it. It made him giddy, skittish and excitable.)

Dat drink be gawjus! Wot is it?
It is a dish that you never had, but it is enjoyed by king and commoner alike. It is the Milk of Human Kindness!
Oi hav' tasted the wondrous elixir of life, and Under your instruction conduct me so!
(The spirit opened the door and both men went into town. They went to a house party where Eamonn was a guest.)

Thank you,thank you all for you inviting me here tonight, And may I say i would like to propose a toast to Joe-Jack!
(SILENCE)
.....You're kidding right? said a male guest
"Why would you ruin our dinner by mentioning him?"Said a female guest "I never met the man personally but from what you told us, I would give him a piece of my mind and let him choke on it!
Please! it's Christmas!
"Oh I'll drink for your sake and for the day" she continued"But not for that stingy odious,unfeeling man as Mr Diculchie! I'll drink for your health, Eamonn, Not his!Merry Christmas to him...to which he'll have, no doubt!
(After Drinks and dessert,the guests as with all dinner-parties hosted and attended by Childless Adults,started with games Eamonn was guessing in a game of 20 Questions after guessing that it was an animal that lived on a farm, that was dirty, stupid and growled, Eamonn wasted 16 questions on "wrong" answers
Okay i give up!
-Why, it's your Joe-Jack!(Loud Laughter)

Is dat how da world see's me? As an Animal?
I'm afraid so, but i feel you are (cough) learning your lesson!
(when spirit coughed, he went transparent, for a brief moment, Joe-jack saw 3 figures instead of 1.)
Is Dere more ov ya?
(2 dishevelled ragged children, a boy and a girl emerged)
LOOK AT THEM! They are Man's children. And there greatest enemies. This(pointing to the boy dressed as Nick Griffin) is Ignorance!
Me hates every Jew except Jesus! But he would never pass Dover if me Prime Minister!
And this (pointing to the girl dressed as Paris Hilton) is Want
I WANTZ IT!
Beware them both! but beware more of the boy. All i see written is the palms is doom to those who follow him.
Is dere no place for dem?
ARE THERE NO BULLETS? ARE THERE NO RIVERS?
(The ghosts abandoned Joe-jack in a dialect street, as the statement was repeated over and over, as bullets shot out at him. He ran to a river and Jumped in. On the river bed was Padraig's Ghost)
YOUR MISERABLE FUTURE! REMEMBER IT!
(Joe-Jack screamed as he woke outside face first in a puddle. he tried to get back in, but the door-knob as hot to the touch. He heard the Church bell toll the hour of 3.Each toll sounding like a judge gavel calling order on him. Or passing a Divine Judgement. Turning slowly and refusing not to look,he had to and Saw the reaper looming over.

A Culchie christmas carol: Part 2 who are you calling a fruitcake man?

(Narration in brackets)
(JOE-JACK AND MAMMY'S LINE IN BLUE)
80's LAD LINES IN ORANGE)

(When Joe-jack awoke, it was still dark, climbing out of his chair, he gazed at the clock, the clocks where at 4 and 5 but they then went up to 12! TWELVE! But it was 2 o'clock when he went back to sleep! he counted every 15 minutes that past)

tick...tick
Quarer pasht
tick..tick
half pasht
tick...tick
Quar'er too
(tick..tick..DONG!)
THE HOUR ITSELF AND NUTHIN' ELSE!
(As before the room was lit-up by a light but instead of the harsh light of the fire it was the dull blue glow of the broken tv set. the screen repaired itself like a scarred tissue. the screen started to potray christmas films and specials.)
"Da telly's not broken at all, it's only showing Shite from da 80's.
DUUUUDDDDEE1 WHO ARE YOU CALLING A SHITE FROM THE 80'S?

(Stepping out the television the spirit took the form of 80's lad. Standing in a festive coloured version of his suit and a crown of holly topped by a backwards hat, he spoke.
DUDE!I am the, like, totally radical Ghost of Christmas Past?
-Long past?
No, Your Past, Dude!
-What is ye want?
-Not want,man! Provide!
-Provide what?
-Your Welfare!
Welfare? ye realise ye took da form of da little shite that might or might not be makin' Dem Tantalus Phones?
"your reclamation then" he replied "Walk with me!"
(the spirit drew the curtains and opened the double windows)
-Come!
Y'not serious! I cant fly!
Yes you can. All you have to do is jump!
(Joe-Jack climbed the couch and jumped, falling awkwardly on his guts!
AHAHAHAHA! DUDE!I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FELL FOR THAT! WHAT A DWEEB!
(Joe-jack pointed his gun at him.)
Hey not cool, man! Fine you can hold my hand,NO HOMO!
Picking up Joe-Jack, the spirit let him fly 30 years into the past. 80's lad starts to sing "Walking in the air but his voice gets deeper.
"DUUUDDDE! I think my voice just broke!
Landing on a dirt road, they faced a pub. Joe-Jack's face lit up.
DIS...dis is Fitzy's pub!
You know this place?
Know it? i could walk the floor blindfolded.

"Ya know, dis is da first place oi gotz my first job as a bar-man, it was easy though, coz me Da was fiddle-playah in da pub band.

Going through the doors 2 men went through the two heroes.
"OH PUHLEASE! Everyone and it's sweet mama has read/seen christmas carol! Do i even have to explain?
(Inside there was a riotous party. Onstage Padraig was playing the fiddle while a young Joe-jack was tending bar. Until both DiCulchie men saw Mammie leaving with a well dressed handsome stranger.
"No Spirit" said Joe-Jack "Don't show what happens next."
the spirit stood stoically and stared coldly at him.
Please, i cant live again what happened, Please spirit, show Mercy!
I will show as much Mercy as you have shown in life!"

(under protest, the spirit teleported Joe-Jack to the guest rooms. In the Memory replayed, Padraig was cursing at Joe-Jack to open the door, he did and saw mammy and the Stranger in bed. Padraig ran in cursing, beating on this smarmy cad. Th first of many victims!)
Mammy,who woz dat man?
He woz one of our guests
Wot woz his name? TELL ME!
(CRYING) I Dunno HE WOZ FOREIGN!!

Why can't i change dis? Why bring me back if i cant change dis?
These are shadows of events past, you cannot do anything!
Then remove me from dis place, if you value my welfare and reclamation, then for my welfare reclaim me from dis place
(the room and spirit went out of focus and Joe-jack woke to see the broken tv, still broken crackling and changing channels automatically sending an eerie message.
Don't go anywhere!...Joe...Jack...Because...In An Hour...Another...Ghost....will Arrive!(before switching off for good!)

A CULCHIE CHRISTMAS CAROL:PART 1-BAG OV HUMBUGS

(narration in brackets)
(EAMONN AND THE GOD-BOTHERERS LINES IN BLACK)
(jOE-JACK'S LINES IN BLUE)
(Padraig's lines in grey)

(Joe-jack's father was dead.
Of this fact it was undisputed.
And yet, Never once  in the 17 years Padraig DiCulchie had died, Did Joe-jack take down the sign that claimed his house as a bnb)

(His father was a landlord in life and in a more previous life, he was a musician, The house was always filled with music,but something happened when Joe-jack was a boy and the hotblooded father's heart turned cold. And turned to murder the tourists he once welcomed. He never took down the sign as a testament to continue his father's xenophobic ways.)

(But unlike his father, Joe-jack was tight. Oh, he was a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching old Sinner, the cold within him thickened his voice, lengthened his beard, nipped his beard and left a frosty rim as a hairline. No-one stopped Joe-jack to say "hello" to him,lest he get an earful of whatever petty grudge he had against that person stewing in that warped head of his.)

(One day after turning 3 Tantalos Drones back into villagers after the Black Knight review, Joe-Jack was in his office (Actually a broken down toilet,it was the only place where joe-jack's smell would not be complained about!) When Eamonn came in.)
Merry Christmas Joe-jack!
Merry Christmas, says you? YE CAN FUCK YA MERRY CHRISTMAS,SO YA CAN!
-Surely you don't mean that?
-Bah Humbug
-Now don't be cross!...
-WOT ELSE CAN I BE? Wot would o'fools is dis? when we are in recession,and instead ov balancin' bukes, we find ourselves a year older and not an hour richer! If Oi had moi way, I'd make sure every eejit wif "merry Christmas" on his lips be honeyglazed and roasted with his own ham! And buried with a stake ov holly tru his heart, so he should!
Joe-Jack!
-Townie bastid, let me celebrate Christmas my way!
Celebrate it? you don't celebrate it! you curse it!
GET OV MY LAND!
-....It's a toilet...
-*GUNSHOT*
(That night at his house,Joe-jack sat in the living room staring at the broken tv, he just broke, as the Christmas ads got on his nerves, his mother had returned from bingo, But by let her in he had let two Godbotherers come to his door.
(the first well dressed, fat man gazed at the sign.) it seems to a bnb but it's not registered on any website...
WADYAWONT???!?
Pardon me to ask if i am addressing Mr Diculchie or his son?
I am da sun! but me dad has being shtone dead fer 17 yar! 17 yar tonight!
At this festive time, sir, It is desirable for those in business to put provision aside for the poor and destitute, Do you have an amount to give?
Yes.
Splendid! how much can i put you down for?
Nuthin' but tell me dis if want to sort out the homeless,tell me dis? Are There no Bullets?
Yes, I would prefer if their weren't...
And Are There no Rivers?
Why yes we passed one getting here....
THEN SHOOT DA QUICK BASTIDS AND DROWN THE SLOW BASTIDS!
(And with that he closed the door with a forceful shove, the noise loosened a picture of Joe-jack's father, picking it up, it seemed to glare disappointingly at his son.)

That night, Joe-Jack slept uneasy as the fire died down,Staring half-asleep at the embers, The clock struck 12 times. For each chime, the dying fire rekindled it's flames, dancing like Satan's merry minions in the bowels of the Inferno, the smoke wreathed around the room, forming a man who similar in build,and size and face of Joe-Jack.
Who are ya?
-Ask me who i woz!
Who Woz y..
-Ah da chake ov ya! Doncha recognize ya Auld Man?
Noah! DIS IS A DREAM! YE ARENT REAL!
Why do ya mistrust ye own senses?
Cos things can play tricks on dem! this is no more than a bout ov Indigestion! you may be a bit ov beef, a squart ov mustard, a crumb ov cheese, dat piece of uncooked potato in my teeth. Dere's more of gravy than of grave abou' ya,wotever ya are!
So ye think Oi'm Inter-ma-gestion d'ya?
Ya!
Can INDIGESTION DO DIS?
(Despite being weight down by chains, Padraig kicked Joe-jack in the balls!)
DERE'S YA INDIGESTION, YA SHITEHAWK!
(Cough) Okay so ye'ar real! But tell me, Why didya come back?

In Life, Every Man's Soul's Duty is to share all with his fellah man, coz if he doesn't in life, He must do so in Death. And-WOE IS ME!-For 17 yar Oi've bein' travellin'-t'teach miserable gobshites like ye who would sleep on the floor if dere woz work in da bed!
Tonight ye will be visited by Three ghosts
-good only 2 more
3 More GHOSTS,Not counting myself! Take heed ov dem. Each of dem will come by the hour.
(the Smoke starts to disipate up the chimley)
My time is short, remember what oi said, look for me no more, for you will see your miserable future!
(Up the Chimney went the spirit of Padraig DiCulchie. Not obeying his father, he looked out the window to see His father, rejoined the ranks of the Legion of the Dammed, Mocking and taunting a homeless man sleeping rough. What wretched Philosophy did they practice? That they suffering in death can take joy from the suffering of the living? Joe-jack turned to fire it had burned out despite it blazing like hell mere moments ago.

Eamonn reviews Black Knight part 2

(THE STORY SO FAR....
The new technology wave has finally made it's way to Da Wesht ov Ireland, Leading the way is the Tantalos Corporation, Headed by Butt-craic's own Edwin Tantalos, a man that most of Butt-craic cannot remember, but at least his factory's phones are cheap! despite that one little glitch of turning people into the silvery Anomaly that "saved" 80's Lad! and why does Tantalos look like him aged by 30 years?

Meanwhile, Eamonn still stuck in Butt-Craic, reviewed Black Knight, a horrible, Historically inaccurate honking heap of horse-shit! Here Martin Lawrence plays the character he always plays, is transported back to middle ages England, where surprisingly their are Black and Asian people speaking English, with English accents! After inventing r'nb, and trouncing assassins to the evil king, Jamal was made a Lord and planned on inventing Fast food restaurants. Life was good for the rubber-faced Dick-head!)

....Until the king orders Jamal to kill a man for stealing a turnip! His back turned Jamal lets him go.
After pretending to sleep with Victoria to stop the randy guards from eavesdropping, Jamal is convinced by today's actions to help the rebellion,while at the same time, be a yellow-belly spineless coward! Later that night a silhouette of a young woman with curly hair enters Jamal's Quarters. The next morning the real messenger from Normandy has arrived. Not only has the lie being found out, the bait and switch is revealed as Jamal has just macked Princess Regina's Royal BOOT-AY!
So King Leo has ordered the guards to clap Jamal in Irons.

CALLED IT!

In prison, the assassins tell Jamal the legend of the black knight, a Man who wielded a golden sword and ate a dragon's heart to gain his fire-breathing powers.

So Jamal is to be executed, but he says he is a sorcerer, he use a lighter, but the locals are unimpressed,
"We've Got Fire!"
I can't believe how Genre Savvy that line was!

As an executioner who was eating melon starts to choke, the crowd of hundreds who saw him eat the melon goes Genre Blind and calls it a "curse of death". Jamal performs the Heimlich on him. Getting Cocky, he says that he will make the sun fall, a fiery arrow strikes the royal box making a woman scream"it's the sun"
Lady, you act like you never seen an arrow before!

It's revealed that Nolte is firing said arrows as Victoria dreys a get-away carriage, Jamal falls out but Nolte gives him a ride to the Rebel base.

Victoria is angry that Jamal had raided the princess'"treasure cave". Jamal promises to bring her to 2001, but Victoria wants to fight the queen despite the others treating her like a servant.

So Nolte is ambushed by Percival's men, But Jamal beats them with simple boxing, a form of combat re-invented by knights to practice their sword fighting techniques in peace times. So in reality Jamal would have had his ass handed to him.

But When Jamal is outnumbered, Nolte comes to his rescue. Returning to camp, it has being burnt down and Victoria kidnapped, As Jamal tries to rally the remaining rebels, the Queen reveals herself!

After a badly-acted monologue, Jamal steps up to give a speech befitting a political rally. We have a Montage of jamal training the peasants in American Football (or Soft-Boy Rugby as i can it!) and wrestling as this- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ROzGihgCj8  plays out!

The night before the siege, Jamal gives Nolte his sneakers, Nolte has a gift too, a knights helmet, During the night Jamal spray-paints the helmet black and melts some gold over a sword...

So rebels are being killed off left right and centre, Until Jamal as the Black Knight returns! Jamal also fitted  his spraycan and lighter to"breathe fire". So an unarmed Jamal with his theatrics is enough to defeat skilled knight armed with weapons! Percival kills King Leo and Nolte, who gives Jamal his sword.

Jamal defeats Percy in armed Combat but an ambush is halted when Percival is killed by an arrow, it turns out that Nolte PULLED OUT THE ARROW THAT WAS KILLING HIM AND WITH HIS DYING BIT OF STRENGTH, KILLED HIS KILLER WITH THE ARROW THAT DONE HIM IN!

I'm Sorry but that's fucking awesome!

So as Jamal is being knighted it turns out that he bumped his head of a shopping trolley in the moat and was in a coma,

He time-travelled via head injury to solve a long forgotten crime!
You know where I'm Going with this!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIMP6-KBSCs

So Jamal plans on giving Boss Stick some ideas for the park, Six weeks later a newly refurbished Medieval world is raking in customers, Jamal is working at the batting cages(?) when he meets Victoria's modern day counter part? Anyway when he goes to ask her number, he falls in the moat and ends up in the coliseum, chased by lions!

THIS FILM SUCKS!...but it's not the worst!

We actually get some pretty decent development of Jamal, Victoria and Nolte, all of these characters have put themselves in miserable existence that they could has gotten out of themselves with some courage, For Jamal it's a sense of Honour and humility that would help him get back home, for Victoria the serving wench in an arranged marriage (which was never really discussed) got over herself, or rather she would if the rebels didn't realise that she really was the brains of the outfit, and finally Nolte got over his shame of being drunk in the queen's service as the queen forgave him and his heroic sacrifice was awesome!

However, as pointed out frequently, the story has padding, and huge historically inaccuracies, there was also the loose end of what happened to the princess after the Sex scene? was she killed? banished? we never find out! the ending was sequel Bait but who's biting? the lesson was learned and so the sequel would not be need!

So that was Black Knight, a film as historically accurate as Hysteria!
CREDITS
Black Knight review was written, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
with Music and footage
in part 1:
Clips from:
Black Knight
Star wars episodeIII: REVENGE OF THE SITH
With music:
Back in time by Eiffiel 65
In Part 2:
Clips from:
Life from Mars
with music:
James Brown- Get up offa that thing
Black knight is property of 20TH Century fox and all clips belong to their respected owners.
All rights reserved.
Follow me on the TGWTG FORUM as EnlightenedIrishman, or friend me at youtube at
http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment

Eamonn Reviews Black Knight Part 1

(EAMONN'S REVIEW IN BLACK)
(MARY'S LINES IN PINK)
(FATHER TACS-CRYME IN GREEN)
JOHNNY SPRINGCHICKEN IN BROWN
(???? IN GREY)
(THE STORY SO FAR...
THE SEARCH FOR EIGHTIES LAD CONTINUES, AS THE TEMPERLY DISPLACED SIDEKICK HAS BEING MISSING SINCE MARCH, HOWEVER HIS RETURN HAS BEING BRIEF AS EVERY TIME HE IS SEEN A STRANGE BEING WITH THE ABILITY TO SUBVERT REALITY, DELETES ANYTHING THAT GETS CLOSE. WITH THE DESPERATE SEARCH CONTINUING, It's hard to forget that life goes on elsewhere in the Village of Buttcraic...

(Mary's shop, Butt-craic, Da Wesht ov Ireland)
Mary is splitting up packs coke and drawing over NOT FOR SINGLE SALE with a black felt tip marker, when the village priest Fr. Tacs-Cryme Enters.
Good Mornin' Mary! Oi've come fer da Collection box, so i have!
Oh father! tell me dis, Is you doin' da mass on Saturday Nite?
NOAH! It's either going to be Fr. Sleese or Fr. Hip-O'Crite.
Not Fr.Perve or Fr.Lecher?
Noah! They'll be workin' at the orfanage!

(the Door bell ring again and in comes Aging lothario, Johnny Springchicken, Dress to the nines, his (remaining) Hair slicked back with pomade, holding a futuristic mobile phone.

What ye got dere, Johnny?
Dis is Da brand new Tantalos 666-1300! It's da mosht advanced phone on da market!
I never heard ov Tantalos?
Are you sure? Edwin Tantalos came from Butt-craic! and now he is a Multi-billionaire!
(Johnny pulls out a newspaper article of the local concillor shaking hands with Tantalos.It's Eighties Lad aged by 30 years! Over the picture the headline reads:
LOCAL MAN RETURNS WITH PHONE FACTORY AND NEW JOBS!

Johnny gets a phone call.)
Whos calling ya,
No-one! i have no-one in my contacts! Dat's why i came in here!
Hello?
(Out of the phone the silvery being engulfs Johnny, he collapses.)
Oh god he died! In me shop
Johnny are you okay?
("Johnny" rises his face and hands mere silver fragments of floating data.)
REJOICE! FOR TODAY! YOU WILL BE SAVED!

AND NOW! OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
This months theme: Back in time by Eifiel 65
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxWFlLEOC4s
With the Tripe that was nazis at the centre of the eath last month behind us, I throw punches to the far right. It's only fair i throw some punches at the left.

Lets talk about one of my bugbears when it comes to films
Political Correctness
Don't get me wrong,I am the most p.c man you will ever meet, I rarely make rascist jokes bar a character is blatantly a stereotype, Having a film with actors of different diversities usually adds a level of believability to the perfomance.

However that falls on it arse, when the setting is not modern times, Most black actors refuse to do westerns or slave-trade era films, but films about European history? When there was no Black people? Like say middle ages England?
(And Yes, I know Italy had Citizens of African Descent during that era, I've seen Doctor Who's Vampires in Venice too, unfortunatly!)

With World history about to be taken out in a Drive-by, this is Black Knight

The film starts with Martin Lawrence's Character of Jamal doing Martin Lawrence-esque Mugging the Camara, Jamal is a man full of himself and Dependent on technology.

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen! The same character Martin Lawrence always plays!

Jamal lives in Normandy street, Los Angeles,
PLOT POINT!
He works in a run down medievil themed theme park. We are told that Jamal's workplace will be competing against a second Medievil themed park. Jamal thinks that rather than competing with Castle world, that they should cash-out. Mainly because Jamal has applied for a job there.
Our Hero Ladies and Gentl...OH WAIT I DID THAT JOKE ALREADY!

Because of his Smack talk, Boss Stick makes Jamal clean the moat, He has a play sword fight with a Colleague, until the gleam of a pendant in the moat catches Jamal's eye. He grabs it with intention of pawning it, but is pulled back in time to Middle Ages England emerging out of a a pristine lake and onto the Angered Attention of an unkempt Man.

Despite the moat not being connected to any river or open sewer, and in reality Jamal would ended up in the desert, Jamal thinks he has washed up on Castle World, the rival park. He mets Noltegue Marlborough though for quickness he is referred from now on as Nolte, a disgraced Knight who faints after a few minutes from a drunken stupor. After making Gay and Rascist Jokes, Jamal goes to perform Mouth-to-Mouth but Nolte's breath is rank making Jamal use a mint spray, reviving him. As gratitude Nolte brings him back to his camp, However Jamal thinks Nolte is a hobo, he gives him a dollar bill, to which he throw on the fire for warmth.

Exploring the woods, Jamal stumbles on a village where he is nearly ran over by Knights on Horseback, one of them is our Villian,Percival. Jamal thinking thats how Castle World haze new employees (I must point out that Jamal only APPLIED! for a job, he doesn't have it yet!) he goes to complain. After spouting stuff about L.A., when he mentions he is from Normandy (street), he is let inside. Still convinced he is at an amusement park, he overhears a puppet show telling the legend of the black knight.
PLOT POINT AND TITLE DROP!
Other side of the castle a princess and her ladies-in-waiting are discussing her arranged marraige, oh Did I mention that the princess....is BLACK!??!!?
IN ENGLAND! IN! THE! MIDDLE! FUCKING! AGES! IN BRITIAN! WHICH IS AN ISLAND! THAT WOULDN'T HAVE PORTS FOR ANOTHER 200 YEARS! IN ENGLAND! THE WARS WITH IRELAND WAS BECAUSE A CATHOLIC KING SUCCEEDED THE THRONE! THAT WOULD BE NOTHING IN COMPARSION! IF THE KING IN DARK AGES ENGLAND WAS DARK AS WELL!
Oh and 1 of the ladies in waiting is Asian.
Britain will not become dependent on paper, tea and opium and have a market for them to come over for another 500 years!

Calm down Eamonn you're just 15 minutes. As long as there is nothing Historically Inaccurate or Stupid you'll be...Oh who Am i Kidding?

So Jamal chants up Victoria using Ebonics, and considering he has masqueraded as a hated Norman, told guards he wanted to beat up guards and now chatting up a be throed woman, I think Jamal may be clapped in Irons!

So it was revealed she is not a princess as the dvd cover called her, but a chambermaid.
Makes more sense to be a servant, makes no sense why they are BLACK AND ASIAN PEOPLE SPEAKING ENGLISH, WITH ENGLISH ACCENTS!

Trying to score her number, she is impressed that Jamal can read and write. Then Percival appears, feeling up Victoria, Jamal calls him out and Percival calls him a Moor

HISTORY LESSON!
A "MOOR" was a African-Muslim during the Crusades.

A chamberlain tells Jamal that the king will see him. It's revealed that Jamal's last name is ....Skywalker
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWaLxFIVX1s

Because he believes is in theme park he doesn't realise the danger he has gotten into, pretending to be a messenger was punishable by death.

So Jamal gives a false message about the duke coming to marry the Princess Regina on Tuesday. I'm sure it would not turn and bite Jamal on the ass(!)

So Jamal is given a tour of the castle, but when he needs the toilet and has to use a privy, (a hole over a ditch!) he realises that this may just be the Middle Ages.
So...the lack of roads, the Sudden drop in temperature,the florae and faunae not found in California, the English accents, and fact that no-one understood every second word you said. And the only thing that has cracked your suspicion is having to pee and poo in a hole?

He realises that he has gone back in time, When a Rebel is beheaded in front of him.

Revived by Victoria in her quarters, its revealed that Jamal is in England circa 1328, the Medallion that bought Jamal to this time is unexpectedly hung around his neck is the symbol of the resistance movement that Victoria is a member of. But Jamal is not only greedy, he is a coward also.

So the King's Chamberlain returns to say that a horse is prepared for him. After a unfunny scene of trying to ride a horse, and a less funny scene with leeches, Jamal is invited to a banquet, After spouting some bull about fast food, Jamal is disturbed by Middle ages ettique, basically He has to wait another century for the fork to be invented, Still believing Jamal to be a Norman, King Leo requests that Jamal should dance
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-(CALMS DOWN!) some things cannot be put into words. They can only be seen!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LolQfg1Cw18
THAT'S RIGHT!
Martin Lawrence has turned 12th century England into the BIRTHPLACE!...OF R'NB!
Let it be known that not all us whiteys from Britain are squares!

While two rebels goes to kill Leo, as Darnce(BAD ENGLISH ACCENTS EXPLAINS THE SPELLING) the Princess Regina kisses jamal, Pissing off the knights in an attempt to save his own miserable life, Jamal inadvertently takes out the two rebel assassins.

As payment, King Leo makes Jamal a Lord, But Jamal doesn't want land, he has other ideas to make the kingdom Money, namely inventing the Frappecino!
Yes, coffee has existed since the Qur'an was written even more than that, but i doubt in the middle of the Crusades, halfway killing the Muslims that the templers were stopping at Starbucks!
and he wants to invent the fast food restaurants.

Remember that this was film to teach an arsehole an important life lesson? YEAH instead we are going to dick around with some filler

(the 3 drones teleport into the office.)
DELETE ALL ORGANICS!

Speaking of filler, I'm afraid we'll have to finish this review once we deal with these...things see you next week..unless we get deleted!