Halloween special 2026 The Gourmet Detective (Pilot)

Hello and Welcome to my Halloween Special. But one made under False Pretenses, this was Actually Drafted in August. And I am telling you this just in case you point out I give MLW hell about not disclosing about being prerecorded. At least I can admit it!

Let Me Explain. 

Today's Review is Something a Little Different, but keeping in the Spirit of Halloween. We've Done Horror, we've seen Monsters, Zombies, we've Done Sci-Fi and we can't call ourselves a Bad Film Review site without reviewing an Asylum Film.

But One Angle on the Spooky Season we haven't touched upon yet is Mystery. 

And while Legend had crammed every Genre on its channels, to find a Horror film on their channels is nigh impossible, it's our old friends behind Pop, Narrative Entertainment, who have come to the rescue with the Free to Air Great! Mystery channel on Sky. But I had to wait til the pilot cycled back into being shown again. There are only 5 films, so doing the pilot now on the chance it doesn't get repeated is why this was Reviewed months in advance. 

As the home of Murder Mystery on Sky (other than Alibi, which is a paid channel) Great Mystery is the home of Hallmark Channel Style TV Films, the Kind of Programs that would have been shown after Daytime tv and put before the lunchtime news. The kind of show littered  between Cookery and Gardening shows, The Kind of Shows you would put on TV in a Carehome Dayroom to entertain the residents. You know, shows like Murder, She Wrote, Fr. Brown and Hamish Macbeth, Shows with Mystery, but Shows that are so Slow paced with lovely scenery and Comforting music, it will cause you to yawn just by watching it.  The excitement is so little in a package so bland, it feels like a single Speck of Black Pepper in a bowl of Mashed Potatoes!

Which Brings me to Choosing this series, Great has a LOT! Of these Cheesy TV Movie Mystery films-Aurora Teegarden, the Garage Sale Mysteries, but this one held my heart Strings a little more-The Gourmet Detective, based on the Books by Peter King.

I Love Mystery.

I Love to Eat.

What could go Wrong?

THE FOLLOWING REVIEW IS OF A FILM RATED PG, WITH MURDER, SUICIDE AND INNUENDO. DESPITE THE RATING, THIS FILM IS INTENDED FOR AN ADULT AUDIENCE.

Recorded from a TV Taping, so no review of Cover or Artwork.

We Open with a Robbery at a Stately Home turned Restaurant as a hooded Figure in black steals files from an office and disables cameras. They go into the restaurant's walk-in fridge, pulling a Bin aside to keep the door open to stop them freezing to death.

Walk in Freezer Doors can be opened on the inside to prevent deaths. The only person who wouldn't know that would be someone who never worked in a kitchen and Spoilers-every suspect belonged to the Restaurant Industry. In an Act of Sabotage, the Figure lets loose Cockroaches and Rats into the fridge unit and Dining Area. A convenient Flashlight Shines on a Newspaper Clipping telling us this restaurant being attacked is Chez Duquette. No doubt the Duquette family were stupid enough to be interviewed by our old friends....EXPOSITION NEWS! The pinned Photo has a meat cleaver thrown at it.

SYMBOLISM!

We cut to a Chinatown market in San Franciso, as we meet Our Title character, Henry Ross (Dawson's Creek's Dylan Neal), Gourmet Social Gadfly and Cookery Supply Teacher. He's actually buying ingredients for a last-minute class he's been hired for. We then see Overworked uncomprising Detective Maggie Price (Brooke Burns), yelling down her phone with a bag of pre-made meals, she trips and spills a whole bag of tomatoes.

Back to Henry, he is also a consultant to a blogger named Lucy, who will act like his Fact-checker and assistant, as while Henry is no doubt an Epicurean Expert, he needs someone tech-savvy to manage his Contracts. And if it means trips to Vegas and Hotel stays, Why Not have him work for you? We learn Maggie is a Divorced mother with a daughter, a mother, and a Hit-and miss Romantic life-Because of course she is. Back to Lucy and Henry, Lucy tells her consultant he got a call from Peter Duquette calling about needing his help. Henry will drop everything after his cooking class to aid his Mentor.

AND WOULDN'T YOU KNOW, WHO BURNED THE MASCARPONE? But the Restaurant where Maggie is having her date, is also the restaurant, Henry is Teaching his class! Kind of cheap to go to a restaurant to cook As a Couple, but given the age and Circumstances, the Fella is also a divorcé and brought her here to show that he can be a providing Househusband for his Prospective Second Wife.

Henry is introduced as "The Gourmet Detective" Meaning he has done cases before. That kind of Upsets Maggie to Hear him been called that. She calls him out on it and he explains, he is not so much of a detective, as more of a Trade Faciliator, Contracted to replace ingredients with cheaper ones and speculate Food Markets and the like, and the name stuck, even though it's wrong. Maggie still has issues with the guy who is essentially lying about being in her line of work.

Best Drop this Early.

First They hate each other, then later in 2 film's time, they'll Love each other...

Naturally, Maggie's Date Is Really hopeless at cooking, So Henry always makes extra, which is great because Maggie hasn't eaten anything all day, probably because she wasn't expected to cook her own dinner! She does Complain about his use of obscure ingredients, which she would never look for in her busy life. But Henry says he focuses on every little detail so you don't miss the obvious, like Maggie's date having the hob at a high level. Maggie can't believe she just got detective tips from a Poser and a Glorified Booster! She calls out his so-called deductive powers only for Henry to reveal he has Sherlock Holmes levels of reasoning. He even has Maggie number that she is not over her divorce and only dating to make her daughter happy.

Maggie comes home to check on her daughter and tells her it's over. It was doomed from the start-The Guy didn't even get a name! Abby asks If her father will appear for her chess game, but he probably won't!

We cut to the Next morning as Henry meets with the Duquette family, laughing and joking as they eat fish tacos.

Clearly a family Courting Financial Ruin and at their wits end! 

Peter hires his former Protege to investigate Chez Duquette on the night of a big Gala. If Peter did go to the police, the Rat infestation would become public knowledge and they would be forced into closure, exactly what the saboteur wants. 

At the Night of the Gala, we meet all the main suspects. First, and because the young woman with Peter needed a name, it's revealed to be Pauline Duquette, Peter's Niece and General Manager. Raymond Bishop, Peter's Brother-in-law and Rival, who heads a Restaurant monopoly. They are feuding for so long for some reason, that not even their own niece  knows! Next is Klaus, The Head Chef who is Annoyed by the constant pranks and Sabotage in his kitchen. Klaus tells Henry the Rats were planted the day before Health inspection, and the day was marked In the calendar, meaning this was an inside job! 

Our fourth Suspect is Leyton Leopold, A rival chef who works for Raymond Bishop's Filmore Bistro, who beefs with a Sally Aldorn, a Cookbook writer who rubs Cocky Chefs like Leyton the wrong way. 

Henry spies 2 men passing a USB drive to each other, but before he can Trail them, Bishop finds Henry.  Turns out Bishop has also been the victim of the same problems Chez Duquette are having. Or is it a cover to not arouse suspicion?

The Guests are called to Dinner, and we get interplay with all our Suspects. Leopold calls out his boss, for not giving him free reign over the Filmore Bistro, to which Raymond tells Leopold if he doesn't like it, "Buy Your own Restaurant ". Pauline calls out her uncle for being too basic. At the table is the man with the USB drive, he has a Texan Accent, knows Sally personally (or intimately), who names himself Ian Jenkins, Investigate Reporter. After everyone eats the main course Surf and Turf Steak and Lamprey Eel, Jenkins is about to make an announcement, if only he didn't drink poisoned Champagne to clear his throat!

See, this is why as a Reporter who need notes or Speech cards on your person, should things like this happen!

With a Murder on site, Maggie is called to Chez Duquette, turns out, but unsurprisingly, an Investigate Reporter has made powerful enemies including Former Deputy Mayor Not-Appearing-In-This-Film!

Maggie brings In Henry Ross as a witness, though she starts to badger him when he has opinions on what killed Jenkins, Namely the Natural Botulism from Lamprey Eel. And since Toxicology hasn't issued results yet, Henry accidentally made himself a person of interest. However the D.A. just found Henry's Bio and they interested in his Knowledge and Connections, making him a top Suspect...that is if he did it, which he hasn't, but given the Cops don't know their Ar*e from their Elbow Marconi when it comes to food, the Gourmet Detective is now a paid consultant on Maggie's Case.

The next morning, Maggie plans on scaring Henry off the case by sending him to the morgue. He's late because he's being preparing a Gourmet Coffee morning for his new clients,  Coffee that was made by feeding Monkeys coffee beans and farming the spit. Causing Maggie to spit hers!

PLEASE~!

That's tame considering The Creation of Kopi Lowak is MUCH WORSE! Google it if you have a strong enough Stomach!

AND OH MY GOD! Henry even mentions Kopi Lowak by name!

Maggie is Enjoying seeing Henry squirm in the Mortuary. The Doctor reins them both in to tell them Jenkins Died from Botulism from Eating Lamprey Eel. However, the amount of Lamprey Eel Poison in Jenkins exceeds that of the meal he ate, meaning he must have been drip feed Lamprey Poison for hours before the Main course Eel finished him off!

After getting on each other's nerves, they go over the facts with DCI Bailey. Henry Rules out Chef Klaus, given his attention to care with his dish to a level that none of the mains, even the victim's, couldn't be tampered with. Henry has his own suspect, one that was overlooked-Oliver Page, the TV chef, and the man who gave Jenkins the USB in the first place. The Police ask "What USB?"

You Didn't check the Dead Man's Pockets for clues-WHAT IS THIS? KEYSTONE COPS?

At the news station where Jenkins was fired from, they find a Cork Board with all the Suspets on it, there are also a couple of post-it notes with the one catching Their attention is one that reads TODD ARMAUD on it. Another reads A. SCARLARI $350. Ian Jenkins actually got Oliver Page Fired from this very Studio, Could the motive be revenge? Maggie doesn't believe so if they were still Chummy. They go to Oliver's home, knock on the door and find it open. With Gun drawn Maggie goes inside and finds Oliver on the floor, knocked out but still alive.

As Maggie get Oliver some water, she notices a tumbler filled with some Liquor and marked with Lipstick. She asks About the USB, Which was collected from an Alex Scarlari, Jenkin's regular Photographer, who was mentioned on the board. When Questioned about his cancelled show, Page says he was Burned out and it tanked his marriage. Jenkins writing a scathing review caused the board to fire Jenkins themselves.

Bailey tells our heroes that Jenkins' pockets are clean, No USB was found, Prints were found on the tumbler however, going back to Pauline Duquette.

When confronted with her uncle present, Pauline Confesses to wanting to Hire Page to front a Culinary School, Much to Duquette's Anger. Oliver lied about Pauline Solely because he wanted to save his marraige, and having a drunken affair with Her wouldn't have help things!

Getting into contact with Alex Scarlari in Italy, He was paid $400 to photograph everyone at the party and Nothing else, that brings up the other Post-it Notes. Noone knows who Todd Armaud is Or 12-930. maybe it's not a time frame. The vitctm died on the 12th, maybe he had an appointment for 9:30 that Morning?

Henry had an Epiphany, Maybe Jenkins wasn't the Target. Maybe Raymond Bishop planned the whole thing to get his rival Out of Business, Planting seeds of Similar Sabotage to Cover his tracks. 

They Question Bishop at his home....and are shocked to see Peter Duquette. 

Turns out the "Rivalry" is worked Like A Professional Wrestling Angle, they are Buddies, The Rivalry Came out of a Reporter misquoting a Teasing Critique and the two ran with it for 40 years.

Back to Square One in a Diner, Henry tells Maggie he owes Peter for teaching him the greatest lesson of all: How to keep The Common Touch. When Henry Returns home, taking a call from Lucy, he Finds a Warning- A Butcher knife stabbed down into his cutting board. And if he missed the point-a cut out newspaper message was pinned to the knife. Since every Suspect knows Henry personally and professionally, it could be anyone!

Henry refuses to Tell The police, since it will take him off the case. Plus his mentor is still in danger. 

Henry gets a call, Maggie has being searching the Internet and found a photo of Sally and Jenkins at a Fundraiser together, looking very much like a couple. Sally Aldorn just topped the Suspect list. Sally's Book launch is tonight,  they can question her there.

Before the launch, Henry is at Maggie's house trying to convince her family This Is Totally Not A Date, Maggie comes down in a Racy White Number and Henry Doesn't Beat The Allegations. 

It's The Launch Party For Sally's Book, Culinary Conspiracy. Trapped in a Lie, Sally knew she would be Suspected Solely on Just Being Ian's Girlfriend. So Henry traps her in another lie, telling her he heard a Rumour about her being scouted by another publisher, and it makes her spill about Leighton Leopold. She Claims that since his boss has his thumb on the scale, he wants to print his own recipes that Raymond Bishop denies him from cooking, Leighton Had Come into Money recently Raymond was "convinced" to retire.

Having a Strong Lead, Henry wants to tackle Leighton at Filmore Bistro kitchen right now, But Maggie wants to go home, She sees too little of her daughter as it is, Not that a Childless Bachelor with Too Much Free Time To Wine and Dine Could Ever Understand.

So Henry makes it up to her when he returns from her Sunday Run....by making her family breakfast out of the blue.

He offers to make her an Omelette. So she flatly asks for an Omelette With Everything which he makes and she enjoys. Granted Maggie doesn't explode out of her clothes like A Defeated Enemy in Food Wars, or claims she will now take her Eggs Inseminated, But She's Warming up to him. But Henry says Maggie is right about one thing; Besides Cooking, he has nothing!

Once he washes up, Henry Brings out a replica Murder Board. He is Convinced the Sabotage at The Filmore Bistro happened first with The Sabotage at Chez Duquette was LATER As a Distraction! They go to collar Leopold, only for him to leave a voice message that claims he is about to "End It All!"

TRIGGER WARNING FOR SCENES OF SUICIDE

They Find Leopold, dead in his home. Apparently after committing Sui**de and confessing to Murder. Using the Supposed Feud to take Suspicion off him, Jenkins a Reporter would know the Truth that the Rivalry is a pantomime should this be found out, had to go. Leopold an expert fisher with his own boat, knew how to extract Lamprey Extract to add to Champagne to ply to Jenkins, slowly exposing him to Botulism and making the Eel Dish look like the Murder Weapon. While they don't find the poison, they find pictures his boat and the USB Drive.

But Something doesn't sit right about the Voicemail and the application of poisoned Champagne. While Maggie has some family time with her daughter, she gets a call from Bailey. the detective tells her, they found a photo that doesn't belong with the photos of the Gala. Henry has a flashback to the post-it note when he sees a business card pinned to fridge next to the photo of Leighton's boat. It was not TODD, It was T.C.D.D Hastily written, TCDD Been a Merchant bank on Armaud street. IT WAS NOT A NAME, IT WAS AN ADDRESS! Armaud Street is in the Financial District where that Clock Tower is, and you don't need a sound mixer to hear that, Meaning Leopold was Killed Elsewhere and Forced to Confess and send a message at One O'clock, when the Clock Chimed Twice in the voicemail, meaning Messages where Spliced by a third Player. And this Player Played Everyone to scam Money from the other suspects with fake Fundraisers and the promise of being a franchise of culinary schools and Ready Meals, to scupper both Filmore and Duquette empires and use their resources to do so. The only person a man could never refuse Drink from-A LADY! In the photo is a couple kissing outside the Clock Tower.

The Late Leighton Leopold and his Secret Lover...and His K*ller....and Ian Jenkins' k*ller....PAULINE DUQUETTE!

So it was Really Pauline who served Drink poisoned with Eel Extract, supplied by her lover. So Henry tells her that rather than deny it all they have to do is test for Eel Poison, A poison so virulent, it's no doubt eating away at her hands. So Pauline Draws a gun on them, Replacing her unarmed gun with Maggie's loaded Gun. How did you fall for such weak ruse?

Maggie is Cuffed with her own gear to a radiator and Henry is kidnapped. Luckily Maggie has a second gun and she shoots herself free, Alerting Detectives Bailey and Monroe outside.

Pauline is surrounded and his confronted to Confess about the two person scam to devalue both restaurants so they could sell them cheap, and used Sally's and Ian's Money to expand into a Corporate Food Empire, But Leighton Chickened out when Ian Jenkins was about to expose them, So Leighton had to be silenced, Maggie and Henry argue like a married couple when Pauline Is arrested. But he turns up at Abbey 's Chess game when her father does not.

AWWW! THEY DO LOVE EACH OTHER!

I MUST BE A ROBOT!

THIS FILM IS SHOCKINGLY BORING FOR A MURDER MYSTERY!

One question that most people have when they reveal actors for new detective shows and movies is "Why Do they Give these roles mostly to Comedians?" 

And that is simple-Death is a grim subject. And you need levity, Be it from the Goofy Premise of the show's Gimmick, the writing of a policeman been annoyed with the main character, a regular side character who exists to be the comic relief.

Sometimes the Murder can be hilarious, but you risk Jumping The Shark by doing this!

Of course the next choice for casting a star for a detective drama is a dramatic actor. 

Dylan Neal, The sixth best actor from the most overrated Ninties show that noone liked, barely qualifies, since as a Child of the nineties, I knew Neal more as the Creepy Magazine boss in that terrible Last Season of Sabrina The Teenage Witch a decade later. So he has being in dramas and Comedies, but nothing of note.

Having Someone who is usually bubbly and vivacious As The Model and TV Host Brooke Burns play a by the book, serious cop is also a headscratcher, though her fitting into fashionable dresses will no doubt be a series stable.

A series I may not want to finish. The only reason I chose this to review, is I thought the silly Premise and lack lustre cast, will be paired with a ridiculously Cheesy script and funny Food pun dialogue. 

Apart from Henry alluding to Cat You-Know-What Coffee, this was a generic killing that just happened to be at a banquet, Despite the use of anything other than Arsenic in The Champagne, that in itself is a Trope as old it's Genre.

Hallmark seemingly used ChatGPT to not only write Christmas Romance Films, but scripts to Romance mystery films. There was no emotion in the delivery and any dialogue can be predicted. Or maybe since this may have being originally filmed as either Four 30 minute episodes or Two One hour episodes, It seemed like the main characters broke down the clues every ten minutes to make sure the target audience of Nursing home Residents could still follow along.

Whether or not I actually honour my promise to never cover the series again, I would learn during my research into the books that not all the books were adapted into films-the second film is not based on the second book, Spiced To Death, But the Fifth Book, A Healthy Place To Die, Focusing solely on the books with character development. I was expecting this to be my own Tandy Computer Whiz-Kids that I could return to riff on. Is this Movie bad? Yes, but not bad enough to find stuff to make fun of. 

CREDITS 

The Pilot based on The First Book Of The Gourmet Detective Series was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (eamonnisenli.bsky.social)

With Media from:

The Gourmet Detective

The Simpsons

Family Guy 

Father Brown

Diagnosis Murder

Tone Madison

The Gourmet Detective was Produced by Muse Productions Originally For the Hallmark Channel, Based on the Book series published by St Martin's Press.

All Rights reserved. All Media used belong to their respective owners. 

NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE. 

We Return to Schitten-On-Havel for the next 3 episodes of Crap Happens!

Eamonn Reviews Hustlers

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Eamonn Reviews Two Night Stand

 (FOREWORD: THE CURRENT STORYLINE WILL BE MOVED TO MY OTHER BLOG, ENLIGHTENEDTOWERS.BLOGSPOT.IE, FOR REASONS TO BE ANNOUNCED THERE ON THE FIFTH OF APRIL.)

Cover is three scenes that look like something out of a women's Magazine ask the Sexpert page, with the last picture looking exactly like the "I bet he's thinking of other Women" Meme.

Let's find out How out of my depth I really am, Let's have ourselves a Two Night Stand!

The film starts with a woman waking up from a one night stand next to a Snoring Young Man. She leaves a note (with no phone Number) and goes to leave his flat, But his front door is set to an Alarm, so she scrunches up her note and puts the blankets back over her.

We cut to sometime Before, and the Woman, Megan (Annaleigh Tipton) lies about her life on a Dating site, as she eats whole gingerbread houses in her footie pajamas, while Exposition News warns us a Blizzard is about to hit the Eastern Seaboard. 

It would be an awful shame if Not-Zendaya who shares the flat has to kick out Megan for not paying her rent, So Faiza laughs at how pathetic she is for starting online dating, She invites the waste of air Megan to a birthday of a single man described as "pretty, but kinda dumb, A perfect one night Stand" It's also a birthday party so, Free Cake!

So Megan, Faiza, and her boyfriend Cedric (the former Kid Cudi) Goes to the Club, Megan is turned away for not having ID, and bumps into her ex with a new girlfriend. So Faiza encourages her to go home and get a hookup via internet dating.

Or.....and here's a funny thought....you could tell her to PAY YOU THE MONEY SHE OWES YOU FOR RENT, YOU DUMBASS!

Back at her flat, full of ennui and red wine, Megan sets her bar low and goes Online dating, Finding Alec, (Miles Teller, Yer man from Whiplash, remember when that movie was a thing?) Neither of them done this before.

So we return to the events after Megan's attempt to peace out, and Alec goes off harder, he turns it off and goes back to sleep til his Alarm goes off with some obnoxious R&B, She calls him the wrong name, she gets defensive when he implies she's done this before, though what he meant was dating in general, for the pretty girl, but turns into an argument with both cursing each other and hoping never to see the other again! But, Wouldn't You Know, Who Won The Pony? But the Blizzard has hit and Megan is trapped in Alec's Building.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQeezCdF4mk

Because it's Christmas week, there is no snow plough or Civil Engineering, for at least 2 days! Faiza and Cedric are no help since they decided to turn the flat into a love nest to forgo their lazy flatmate paying her money, if they wanted to help her (which they don't)

So stuck in the blizzard, the two one night standers have to do the impossible: get to know each other, something the unemployed waster Megan gets defensive when asked about her career, not wanting this stranger to judge her as a stupid idiot!

So anyway, Megan Clogs the Toilet because she is an Idiot....

How it happened is that In the Bathroom, Megan finds Magazines on Dating and Psychological Profiling, and I wouldn't know, I'm not exactly beating women away with a stick, But I don't think Women like being Put under the Microscope, So she Shoves the entire page down the Porcelain Throne, causing it to overflow, During a Blizzard on Christmas. Alec deals with this by getting high.

During A game of Table Tennis,  Alec wants to know about  why Megan Cannot get a Job After Medical School, to which she answers by throwing the ping pong ball into a waste disposal unit.

So is this a Running Joke? Every time she is Evasive about it she will destroy Plumbing?

So to pass the time, What do most 20-Somethings do? Watch TV? Drink?

Bzzzt?

WRONG ANSWER!

The Correct Answer is off course, Build a Pillow Fort and eat lots of Children's Cereal!

We learn that despite doing the Mary Jane, Somehow Alec is an Assistant Manager at a bank, Doing Drugs is his way of catching up with all the rebelling you're supposed to do as a teenager. Megan doesn't partake, Because she once walked on her parents Smoking weed and watching porn. Megan grew up the only one in her class to have both parents living together, so to see them like that, doing things to spice up the drudgery of marriage, may have messed her up!

A song plays on a record and Megan tells Alec not to look, Coyly saying that if she is seen dancing, he'll fall in love with her. But I think it's too late!

Because they need to fix that toilet, Alec tries to borrow a plunger from a neighbour, but since it's Christmas, people are out of town. So they break into the flat, to steal a plunger, Megan bleeding from smashing a glass window belonging to a child's room! Alec gives her a tissue that she gives back bloodied.

PLOT POINT!

Unclogging the toilet, He reads the Offending Article, literally! It was an Article  in a magazine that offended her. So Because they are still convincing each other they will never see each other again they give constructive criticisms of the opposite sex of all the mannerisms they hate. So they have sex again with the criticisms noted, but since this is Sex Scene on a comedy film, there is jokes between foreplay and even him giving her belly a raspberry.

It's the Next Morning and there is no food left so Alec has Stole from the same neighbours. So Megan reveals that she didn't become a doctor because when she was engaged she only to the course to impress those she will meet, she always wanted to be a wife and mother, only for him to cheat for saying she is too career minded and Ambitious. Looking for a sweatshirt to wear, she finds pictures and women's clothing, learning Alec is cheating on a girlfriend with her, after everything she just said, he tells her he found a dear John Letter intended for him, but Megan is still pissed about it.

As the show stops and Civil Engineers get a shift on, Megan comes home, as does Alec's Girlfriend each finding notes that point to the relationship been over. Megan deletes her account and Faiza and Cedric asks Megan to leave....as soon as their party is over!

So let's finish this!

Because dating services can only give full names and addresses to police should their clients commit a crime, Alec has the idea to pin the break in with her blood as evidence. At her soon to be former flat, her Former classmate the cute dumb guy whose birthday it was comes to talk to her, while she is blitzed out of her mind, the police arrest her for the break-in and she refuses bail, so Megan spends new year in jail than speak to the man who put there.

Cedric and Faiza make her bail and Alec arrives with flowers and Balloons to confess his love, telling her one day she'll look it and laugh, she gives him his numbers, and tells him it will never happen. She sees the balloon reads "I AM AN ASSHOLE!" To which she laughs so that means she has to call him, so our story ends with are two star-crossed lovers, jobless, homeless and with previous that will be harder to find, but at least they have each other, right?

Meh!

Sorry for not opening the final chapter with my stolen catchphrase, but this film is Meh! The acting Meh! The premise is Meh, the Direction is Meh!

It's just a big fat.....MEH!!!!!

CREDITS

Two Night Stand was reviewed, Compiled and Edited and by Eamonn Bermingham (follow me on Twitter @RealEnli)

With media from:

Two night Stand

Regular Show

Two night stand was produced by Demarast Films and Distributed by Signature Films.

NEXT TIME ON BOGGERBOXOFFICE AND THE ENLIGHTENED TOWERS BLOGS

AN EVENT THAT WILL SADLY END ONE OF OUR SERIES OF HIGHLY READ REVIEWS.

THE LAST 9 EPISODES OF CODE LYOKO!

IN 4 DOUBLE BILLS!

THIS IS MY STORYLINE EVENT FOR THIS YEAR, LIKE NO OTHER!

TICKET TO......

HEAVEN!

RETURN TO THE PAST, NOW!

Eamonn Reviews Burnt

 A GAME OF TWO HALVES AND NO QUARTER: BUSH LEAGUE HEROES

Eamonn had Returned from Earth secretly celebrating Christmas. but there was no merry-making to be found. Without Eamonn in tow, the Yearly rise of Zombie Tourists at Joe-jack's house was not quelled in October. This led to a big falling out that Eamonn is too involved with a lover and a child and a fake league of Intergalatic heroes.

We open with Said Lover, the Mara called Sabaru. on her planet Harmonis in an office looking at Blueprints and speaking into a crystal Ball with several faces on it. Yes, even magical artifacts have a conference call function.

So I've gone through The books and planning permission and it'll all good. The Planets have bought into my heroes exploits but it's not enough, which is where the Training School and Barracks comes in.

-but you are having trouble convincing the Humans?

-They'll come around, afterall, the feast is only good when you let the meat, Marinate. Correct?

Sabaru, felt a presence. 

Gentlemen, I Must go, A very large Bird has flown into my Crosshairs.

"QUE PASA, BITCH?"

Oh Beelzebub! You've come to visit! Let me Guess, "Earth is my Turf, Bitch!" Something like that?

No, Sabaru, We all know we won't be satisfied with just Earth. And whatever your endgame is. I HOPE! you spare Eamonn's feelings after it all comes falling down.

(Mara's eyes Darted as her Fake Smile became a scowl. For the Briefest of Moments, her eyes were purest pitch black, before reverting to Blue.

What is this, Satan? Professional Courtesy? Are we talking Shop? You jealous a former lackey is doing more to instill hope in the universe in one year, when you have underperformed to bring real despair to your backwater planet of hairless apes?

You are making the same mistake, i have always Made! I Underestimate the humans. I underestimated MY human! And by Making him YOUR human, when he Finds out the truth about his "Children" it will break him. And not in a way you want it to happen. Once he has no excuse to hold back, he won't!

I saw him punch His best friend to death to reseal Reality. Killing Eighties Lad, is what lead him to you. I'm warning you, Not as your former General, as your Friend, Drop this! Train real heroes. Settle for this planet. Live a REAL family life. Or keep going down the road your on, Your choice.

MY, MY MY, Beelzebub! what was that Saying again, the road to hell is paved with Good Intentions? Sorry, But being the last of my Kind, Kind of means i want to leave a parting gift to the world and if i die, why not by being surrounded by the ones i love and my own Kind?

"You're own kind, but didn't JUST you say....WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING?"

"Oh, well that would be telling, but all i'll say is....watch this space!"

SatanicOstrich Folded his Arms and Bowed his Head in Defeated Thought. and as quick as he entered, the flames Erupted under his feet and he was gone.

AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!

So Last Month I reviewed a film, I Was Generally surprised by, Badland. Will My second film i bought out of a Bargain Bin prove that  that Lightning Strikes Twice? Well Let's Dig into Burnt

"BUUURRRRRNT. ZE NU FRRRRRRAAAAGRANSSSSS BY CHRISTIAN DEEE-OR! (WITH APOLOGIES TO FRENCH SPEAKERS EVERYWHERE!)

Seriously look at this cover, It looks like a Aftershave ad! If you saw this, you would have no idea what the plot of this film was. I said it before and i'll say it again, white backgrounds and headshots are terrible covers. For comics and Dvd's

The Plot is that Adam Jones (Bradley Cooper) was a 2 Michelin Star Chef, who Threw it all away because of drugs and Arrogance.

We open in A tram in New Orleans, where we get over the shoulder view of Adam's day as he narrates. Three years ago, he was a hotshot chef in Paris, until SOMETHING! Happened that made him lose everything. Whatever the SOMETHING! was, it caused his father to kick him out of Paris. And Now he's being working in a dive bar, shucking Oysters til he had prepared 1 million, "As a Penance"

hmmmm!

HEY CHEF RAMSAY!

"HEY, BIG BOY! YOU'RE SUCH A BIG TALKER, AREN'T YA? IF YOU PUT AS MUCH ENERGY INTO COOKING AS TALKING, YOU WOULDN'T BE SO FUCKING SHIT!"

THANK YOU!

So After walking through Stock Footage of New Orleans an Airport and London. He finds himself at a hotel Owned by a man he calls "Lil Tony". We get Dumped Exposistion, turns out the SOMETHING! Was Meth, the Death of a Sous Chef, from said drug, and the abandonment of the daughter of his now dead mentor, who he left pregnant!

Big Tony invites Adam for Breakfast to discuss his plan to take over his hotel's restaurant and gain his 3rd star. As he has Breakfast he wants to me the chef he will be under, i mean over in Helene (Sierra Miller) who thinks he is a dick. you know where this going, right?

Exploring London, He Recognizes a French Sous Chef he screwed over called Michel, he runs when the Black man chases after him and attack him wanting to settle some score.

So it Turns out the Arrogant Dick, off his tits on Crank, filled Michel's restaurant with rats and called the Health Inspector. But he's here to forgive him. Back at the Hotel, Adam's Card has Bounced. So he finds a gullible fanboy called David selling Street food and tricks him into living at his house and being paid 100 pounds a week to give David Lessons. His first lesson is free. Be Arrogant, you are a chef. All Chef's are Arrogant Pricks. You need to cook with Arrogance, so your First meal of the night is as good as your last Meal. He also turn's David's kitchen into a workplace and he and his girlfriend into guinea pigs!

As Adam draws from a notebook of contacts for his takeover as he eats from a a Burger King, Helene arrives after he invited her. She is pretty uppity about the place, thus turns into a big Debate about Food Snobbery, That a 2 Euro Burger has the same cheap cuts of meat in the hotel's €20 cassoulet.

He continues on his Pretentious Tirade, Claiming that Helene hates Burger Joints because they are Consistent, and Consistent meals is like Missionary Sex. She Gets Flustered by this Statement. He claims having a Sense of Danger makes Meals Exciting.

It also Makes Adam a huge Hypocrite. Wasn't he just telling David that being a prick will make him more Consistent?

But never mind the Eventual releasing of Sexual Tension. Adam Asks the Favour of a food Critic/Former lover to stick it to Little Tony.

Simone Forde (Uma Thurman) turns up at the hotel and his kitchen is not up to par, when Tony turns and sees Adam In his whites, the penny drops; this is a setup! Desperate, Tony let's Adam have reign over the kitchen after taste the Grouse and acts like the defeated villains in Food wars!

So Adam wants the Restaurant Tony owns in London before he returns to Paris triumphant. He's building a team, David, who's a greenhorn. Little Tony, who hates him, Michel, who hates him less, Max, a guy who will be out of prison in two days, and Helene, Who Tony is worried that Adam will just bang at the drop of a hat!

Tony however sees through his game, and makes sure Adam takes regular Sobriety tests, the Doctor I'd Emma Thompson and Adam doesn't take the thing seriously

"I've taken so much, it's probably stored in my Ankles"

We meet more side characters, the Chef, Montgomery Reese who thrived after Adam crashed and burned, and the aforementioned Max, who was in jail on an assault charge. Soon Langham hotel will open, Despite Little Tony thinking Adam suffers from some sort of OCD about not having Hellene.

So he convinces Big Tony to fire Helene, So she can work for him!

Naturally, Word that Wolfgang Puckwit has Returned had not gone down well with the restaurant reviewers he didn't bang! And now Reese is here to rub it in! Naturally having a rag-tag team doesn't work out. Making a menu solely on Shock value, no longer cuts it with restaurant goers. So the next week, Adam goes in television to announce that he's Cooking at his restaurant on the house for the public for 2 weeks as Helene and her daughter, Lillie looks on!

Tony finds Helene, who is a single mother doing the school run, he tries to justify that Adam being a orphan is an excuse for him being a Douchebag. Helene Returns, But Tony had to fork out for a Sous-Vis Cooker.

Hoping to curry favour with Joe Soap, Adam Recreate a Menu of Simple Gourmet versions of English recipes, Gaining Adam's first Honest Review in years. Much to Reece's Dismay who smashes his restaurant in a Hissy Fit!

Despite the Review, Adam still believes food has to be filled with Passion and Emotion, Leading to A montage of Helene Slowly but, Obviously, Falling for him.

Now that Adam's comeback is known, The Michelin Reviewers may arrive at anytime. Tony explains how they work. Michelin sends two critics, one will stay at the hotel, the other arrives on foot, that is because the 2nd will drink and the 1st will not. One will order from the tasting menu, the other from the ala carte menu. The duo will pull out every trick in the book. Asking servers their food knowledge, ordering food to avoid an allergy, Asking for something as ridiculous as a jug of tap water, even placing a fork in the floor to see if it's picked up. So Adam wants all staff to work like they are in someone else's body. However the The French Mafia still want their Money from Adam. Helene wants the day off for Lillie's Birthday, but Adam can't lose momentum. So Adam makes a cake to make up, while Helene becomes as abrasive as Adam.

As Adam is giving his Blood sample, The Doctor tells him that Tony told her about how much he's pushing his staff and continues to distance People, Tony is worried after all, Tony is Gay and always had a crush on him for the longest time, something Adam didn't even know. He continues to distance from staff, not joining them for staff dinner.

So here's where I think this scene and the scene where Adam Bakes a cake Are out of order. At Service, Someone Orders a Cake and Adam gets Uppity about that person not being able to read that Sorbet is on the Menu and he's not using his kitchen to make a cake. (Though we see him doing that the last scene). Helene says tells Adam not to call her daughter Stupid! Yes, because Helene was not given the day off for Lillie's Birthday, she bought her here as her birthday treat! So Adam swallows Pride and makes this Rose Piped Victoria Sponge, monstrosity (IT LOOKS LIKE AN OLD WOMAN'S SWIMCAP!) And Lillie gives Adam a piece of her mind for him shouting at her Mammy!

The Next Morning, Tony tells Adam his feelings as well as Monty Reese has invited Adam to his reopening.

Adam arrives with Helene as his plus one. the trap is set as Anne-Marie, Adam's Baby Momma turns up, and Adam is upset she didn't invite him to her father's funeral. Anne tells him he had inherited Her father's Knifes.

Finding Adam upset in a fish market, Helene tells Adam about her ex-husband, and how much she thought they would always be together. Adam tells her about how He, Max, Michel and Monty all started together in Big Tony's Hotel and how they thought the same thing! But they are both the same: Both wanted something so much , the moment they put some control over it, it was gone. They and nearly shag, but Adam would only prove Little Tony Right! But only because  the Drug dealers followed him. The next Day at Service, Helene finds Adam Beaten and Bloodied and to make matters worse, A table of 2 gentlemen, had ordered and requested a jug of tap water and the waiter pick up a fork from the floor. The Michelin men have arrived.

So Adam, Angry and Possibly Cooking with a Concussion, Adam is more Belligerent as Usual, Then Disaster happens! The Michelin table have sent back their order for being too spicy.

But then Michel, reveals he put the Cayenne in the dish. He bided his time and got his revenge AT THE WORST possible time! Via Sabotage!

The revelation makes Adam go Laughing Mad. He throws his notebook of contacts into the Thames and Invades the Reece Kitchen, Drunk off his own ass to Insult Monty them tries to Kill himself suffocating himself with the bags for the Sous-vis Cooker! Adam had hit a new low, having his life saved by his enemy

Cooking his rival a Hangover Cure Breakfast, Reece gives him a sobering thought! He is Jealous of him, he cannot comprehend how he is always second fiddle to a S-class Tosspot like Adam Jones. and he figures out why! People gravitate to him because they want him to succeed! That becomes evident when Anne-Marie pays off Adam Drug debt while giving him Jean-Luc's Knifes. At the Hotel Tony has good news. he called  Michelin about Michel's Sabotage and turns out They didn't send any inspectors to London, They were two Cheapos who didn't want to pay for extra for drinks! Adam is so happy he Kisses Tony! getting him a little flustered! 

And so the Film ends with a montage showing a passage of time, when The Michelin Men do arrive. when he is told, Adam doesn't give his team any new orders because he trusts them. The order is up and we fade to black.

When we return, we see Adam and Tony giggling like schoolgirls until Adam returns to the Kitchen, the only dialogue being David announcing it's lunchtime for the staff and Everyone shocked Adam is here too!

So....did Adam win his 3rd Michelin star or.....what?

OR MAYBE THE MICHELIN STAR IS THE FRIENDS WE MAKE ALONG THE WAY!

So my final thoughts on this film and will use Food Critique parlance here. This film was Agreeable.

First the Pros.

The Director, John Wells, Definitely has an Eye for Film. For the intricate little details of the food and it's preparation. From Sienna deftly making spaghetti from dough, to salad having pomegranate seeds added one-by one with Surgical precision, to Vibrant colours to searing flames. This cinematography is Food Porn. The cast of stars are well supported by actors who are big deals back in France. And Sienna Miller can act, whenever the role requires her to wear clothes!

The Only con is pretty Simple. The Film is Boring! The Characters are one-note, the Script Predictable, the Pacing is Pedestrian. and the End which is up to debate just makes the film Hollow. A Pure 3 star film. By Next year you would have forgotten all about it!

CREDITS

BURNT was Reviewed Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (Follow me on Twitter at @RealEnli)

With Media from:

Burnt

Hell's Kitchen

Batman Beyond/Batman of the Future

Star Wars Episode 6: return of the Jedi

Burnt was Distributed by Entertainment In Video. All rights reserved. All media used belong to their respective owners.

NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE.

WE CRAWL OUT OF THE BARGAIN BIN, AND REVIEW OUR LAST CATCH FROM IT. SOMETHING CALLED TWO NIGHT STAND!

2 TICKETS TO HELL: THE MACHINATIONS OF THE MARA: PART 2 OF PART 2: DINNER FOR SCHMUCKS, PART 2

(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGERBOXOFFICE...)

After saving the world, Eamonn invited his friends to the Paradise Planet of Harmonis, to meet His Benefactor of the Galactic G-men...and his lover, Sabaru. Humanoid creature called a Mara, a creature that feeds off the dreams and fear of intelligent life, though she is reformed, they have touchdown on the Planet, as Eamonn is reviewing the latest Dvd to regain his power....

That DVD Is Dinner for Schmucks, the kind of rom-com-vom Paul Rudd did before becoming Ant-Man! A Stockbroker has a chance to get a promotion if he finds an Idiot for public Ridicule at his boss' dinner party. When Tim (Rudd) encounters Corpse-Mouse Sculptor Barry Speck (Steve Carrell), who in the space of 2 days, Injures Tim, Contacts Tim's Stalker and possibly ran his fiance into the Arms of another man, a pretentious Russel Brand Stand-in, who owns a Secret Ranch...which is where we leave off!)

 Barry's Real Job is as a Tax Inspector and If Kirin Owns a Ranch, It's Upkeep will be Listed as an Expenditure on his Tax Returns, which will have the address of the Ranch! So they take a trip to the IRS office to meet Thurman (Zack Gallifinakis), An Agnostic data Cruncher who's work with deal with liars all day, has convinced him he has Mind control powers. And this is where anything to save Barry's Character falls flat. He BELIEVES IN SUPERSTITION AND THE SUPERNATURAL! All Thurman has to do is say I have mind control and Barry clams up. Thurman wants to "Use his power" to make Barry say that he can have his Pudding, When Tim says he'll give Barry a $1000 dollars of Pudding. Thurman tells Tim he'll Audit him for "Having that much money to spend on just Pudding" I guess Semantics is a thing that only happens to other people if you work for the IRS! Tim now has another headache thanks to Barry's "Help" and still doesn't have the address to the Ranch! It Just Get's Worse!

Angry with Barry once again, Tim sees a Car dress up with the Redhead woman meeting Thurman. The Woman is Barry's Ex-Wife, Martha. You'll Remember the first scene of Barry making the Dioramas? Well Female Mice was always Redheads so it was a recreation of His former love life. Tim hears Thurman call the woman "Pudding" and so Tim realizes it was not about Food! This has broken Tim dowm so he lets Barry stay in his demolished Home.

Barry keeps spinning Tim's mind about Judy supposedly cheating on Him. Are you use to the Phrase "It Get's Worse" Yet? Because Guess What? Turns out Barry likes to watch people in their sleep! So the only Tim can deal is to treat Barry like a child and have him watch Youtube cat Videos til he laughs himself to sleep, Oblivious to Tim Crying himself to sleep. Tim Finds Barry's portfolio and pictures of Dioramas of the breakdown of Barry and Martha's Marriage.

BUT NEVERMIND CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT OR THAT BULLSHIT!

Let's have Tim Continue to Treat Barry like a child as he goes to work, Giving him a Bowl Of cereal and tells him to sit Until he returns for the Dinner....But wouldn't you know it! HE'S FORGOTTEN HIS PHONE TOO! And the message was his work telling him the new address to meet Mueller.

And Because Barry takes what he is told at face Value, He runs after Tim, Still in the chair, carrying the furniture like a turtle on his Back. Tim is in the new address, because like all appointment based jobs he went to his secretary to confirm his meetings, But Barry doesn't know that! and since they are not friends the only mutual person who would know Where Tim is...is his Stalker, Darla! The Muellers have an Unfortunate Encounter with Barry has he's Accidentally Racist to the Swiss! I never thought a comedy that has both David Walliams and Steve Carrell exchanging lines would be Torture to listen to so Fast Forward Reveals Darla finding the Ring-Box on Tim's Person, and since The Muellers have NOT meet Julie (And Of course, Barry is no Help!) Tim Proposes to Julie....as the real Julie Arrives! Tim tries to salvage his relationship by saying he trusts her, she got the message from Kirin to go to his Ranch ...except she didn't....she didn't get the message....she left THE PHONE AT HIS FLAT! So angry about being called a cheater she now goes to Kirin's Ranch! ANDHERE COMES THE STUPIDIST THING ABOUT REALLY BAD ROM-COMS1 WHEN THE WRONGLY ACCUSED SAYS SOMETHING LIKE THIS!

"HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF A THING? I'M SO MAD, I'M GONNA DO THE THING YOU ACCUSED ME OF, OUT OF SPITE!" But She Says it's her Job and She want her to be part of "The Artistic Process"...Aka Bang her, But when he reveals he only knows because he broke into Kirin's house, she Drives off!

By the way, did we Resolve who's voice Laughter it was in the Voicemail Since it seems it's not Julie's , was it one of the models During Kirin's Furry Sex, I don't Remember Them Laughing During The Scene!

Barry, in a State of Good Sense, Picks up Tim in Tim's car, only for Darla to Attack with a Sign-Post! But All this was to prove A point and her to have a Shiny rock for her to Pawn Off!

With Tim telling Barry it's all his fault. Barry Calls Thurman to Concede, getting the Address in Nevada for Kirin's Ranch. As Kirin tries and nearly succeeds in seducing Julie, Until Tim and Barry arrive to see Kirin come out as Dressed as a faun! Julie seeing her boss like this catches her on that Tim told the truth....even if it meant he broke into a house because he couldn't trust her! It's all Barry's fault what does he know about relationships when he couldn't stop his own from breaking down...And Barry hears all of it!

Julie is returning to Tim after the show, But Barry has sussed out that the Dinner is a contest for Losers. Barry returns home and goes to Destroy his works, Until he gets an Idea one that involved the return Mouse-Corpse of Tim being redressed as a Groom....

It's the Night of the Dinner and It seems Mueller had to be told by Fender the situation. Fender wants Mueller's Money or Fender Finance will be Done and Tim will never work as a stockbroker again, as long as Fender is around!

It's the night of the Dinner for Schmucks and Barry has arrived early, Playing along as a penance to Tim, But the Competition is high, including A Bipolar Ventiliquist, a Vulture-Wrangler, a Competitive beard-grower, A Pet Psychic and A Cameo by Chris O'Dowd as a Blind French Fencer (He was not Blind by Birth but by Stupidity, so in the same logic of this film you can ridicule the self-inflicted!)

So Dinner is served, And Each Contestant Has a Chance to Embarrass Themselves For Fender and Mueller's Amusement. Because Barry is aware, and wants to make up to Tim so he can have the promotion, acts extra pathetic, Though It's tough when the Pet Psychic is served a Lobster and starts "channeling the lobster's spirit" Screaming like she's being boiled in water! Barry shows off a display of Dioramasa, which basically the Youtube video "Whole History of the world, I Guess"...In Mouse form...Until he says Francis Bacon invented Bacon....Though what do i expect when a woman Pantomiming being boiled in a pot is a tough act to follow?

10 Dioramas Later and Barry has revealed his last, a wedding of Mouse Julie and Mouse Tim getting Married, It looks like Tim will win...Until Mr Filch, reveals Thurman, who uses his "MIND-CONTROL" on Barry to make him reveal Dirty secrets about him! Tim is disgusted and in the backroom tells Barry what's up, But Barry knows, and he wants Tim to get this Promotion because he ruined it with Him and Julie! So Barry is Smarter than Tim gives credit for and he wants Barry to win, FOR BARRY, Sadly Superstition cannot be cured, so Barry is still pliable enough for Tim to tell Barry he has, and i quote  "Brain-Control, which is more powerful than Mind-control because the brain tells the mind what to do!" They then proceed to mime a gun fight with Mind Powers, until Thurman gets a taste of his Medicine when Barry blackmails him about his sex-life..which he only knows because Thurman always made Martha cheat on Barry in her house!

The Display of Stupidity Makes Barry the Winner...only for Tim to tell Fender to take his job and Shove it, Barry only did this so Tim will have the money to support his fiance, a fiance he may not have when he comes home! Mueller however thinks Barry is a Ringer and since Mueller is a Rich Idiot who squandered Millions on Garish Art, he accuses Fender of inviting him as his idiot. When the other Guests realizes what has happened. It sets off a change of Events that starts with the Blind fencer chopping off Muellers Finger and it eaten by the Vulture, and ends with Fender's Mansion set on fire!

When Tim and Barry return to the flat, it seems Julie has not. Tim spills his guts about how much she loves her and It's a good scene except ,they already did the "(S)He's Behind me, Isn't (S)he?" trope already and unless it's a running joke, which it isn't! you should never use a trope twice!

And so our film ends with Mouse-Corpse Diaramas telling us what happened Next. Tim and Barry remained friends as do the other Schmucks, Barry and Kirin collabed on works and toured worldwide. Tim and Mueller opened a Modern Art Museum (With Barry sculpting a statue of Martin's severed Finger!) Barry and Darla hooking up, Thurman locked up in an Insane Asylum . And Tim and Julie got Married. Barry tried to surprise them in Paris, only for Her to "Curate Tim....MANY TIMES!"

THIS FILM IS DIVISIVE TO SAY THE LEAST,

There is a heart in this film, but you really need to dig deep to find it! Tim is an asshole, Barry is a mixture of Mid-Life Crisis, Supernational Believer and tone-deaf Autistic Stereotypes that Frankensteining all the tropes together means no-one can be offended, if all things are offended at once! This film doesn't work because the Idiot is not someone who is awe-inspiring, or tough in his adversity or Earnest. All his misfortunes is Barry's own doing! Even his attempts to help fail because he doesn't know, or in the worse case, refuses to listen to, WHY! this went wrong! It gets better during the end, but you have to endure 40 minutes of very bad, cringeworthy questionable humour. Only watch if your salt intake isn't at Dead Sea Levels!

AND NOW TO THE LAST CHAPTER OF SABOTAGE BY SLEEP.

Led to a Romanesque Amphitheater, on a wide Plinth looking like a stage, Eamonn was recharging his power-glove and sealing away  the power of the Devil Dvd. However this was different he was not floating in the air, in a state of sleep, his eyelids twitching in rapid R.E.M.s

"Ah....a Piece of your Power masquerading as Human Knowledge. You are are indeed still a creature of Habit, Beelzebub!" Sabaru Joking said as she slid on her arm seductively and possessively down the floating man's arm, ending with her Nailed Hand clasping his like a vice. "My Signee has told me so!"

-Yeah about that, "Signees!" what is that all about?

(Sabaru closes her eyes, and Bowed her head. Her Smiling Red Lips went to a neutral expression for the first time!)

you Remember the War?

-Wot War?

-The Cognitive war Between Beings who called themselves "Gods", The Cosmic Entities and those that were labelled "Demons", Beezlebub, Minor Entities that control the flow of time, And my race the Mara, Our Race were Vile, Feasting and growing fat of the Fear of a New Species that just Feel out of the tree and started Walking, Humans. The Battlefield was their minds and the Prize their worship. Bit in a twist it was Humans that fought back. The Human Dante was tasked by Beelzebub here to create a narrative of a then non-existent hell, only for the wily Scribe to write it as a Prison, and if something is believed, it becomes so. Without a Leader, Minor Entities, like The Reaper, The Elephant in the Room, those involved in the seasons turned on Demon and out-matched, The Cosmic Entities gave up their Godly status and Physical Forms and used the power to seals us in the Hammerspace, a world between reality and dreams, Scrounging up an existence, feeding on Nightmares of the sleeping, fighting over who can eat it like starving Dogs! All because of the Entities, and their Pride and their Games.

-SOCCER!

-WHAT!

I GETZ IT! 

To be fair, i'm not as clevererererer as Ye, Da Divil or any Townie, but I knowz Soccer! Ye are as Powerful as them Enter-Teas who play wif da souls ov men like Da Gawds ov Grease! like Prawns on a Cheeseboard!

But you are knot making Eamonn a Prawn, you are making Eamonn a Player.

You are makin' your own League! Your own Game Ov Souls!

-My...My....These Humans....they are more Clever than what you give credit for!

(Stirring to awake, Eamonn descended gently onto the plinth, propping himself to  a sitting position. He was helped up to his feet by Sabaru, as They turned the pull into an embrace)

So, What did you talk about while i was out. Hopefully about me not returning to Earth 1.

-WHAT

-WOT?

"Oh I Forgot!" The blonde said with feigned Ignorance. "But now time like the Present..." She continued, her tone becoming more bitter as she spoke!

Eamonn is under Contract to serve the Galactic G-men as a whole! We do not deal in Sector, we are dispatched when needed. And Granted Eamonn is powerful, He had Training and access to the tools needed at that time, Such as it were. The Track Record speaks for itself! Defeating Beelzebub, The Master Control, The Leader, Edwin Tantalus....And Yet 7 Billion Terrans on Earth. And none GIVE HIM THE RESPECT HE IS DUE!

-BUT IT CAN'T BE THE ONLY REASON!

Sabaru laughed. Her frightening face, softened once more

"You are Right, Beelzebub!"

Daddy! Mama!

(A Young girl, ran from a servant and climbed awkardedly like a toddler her Age, she Raised her Arms above the head toward Eamonn, Squeezing her little palms over and over as she cried for Attention.)

Hiya, Baby! Have you being A Good Girl?

OH HOLY GAWD! SHE CALLED DADA? YOU DIDN'T?

....AND WITH A MARA? EAMONN YOU DIDN'T....

(SatanicOstrich Used his power to detect Sins. He could feel Eamonn. Joe-Jack and Sabaru with the weight of their Souls were practically Burning. but he Focus on the Baby...)

(IMPOSSIBLE!)

Joe-Jack we have to Leave!

-Huh? Why?

-Sabaru is right! Eamonn cannot return to Earth unless he wants to. Besides. I think the Humans are in Danger if we don't go back!

(With Tears and Regrets. Our Heroes Board the Train to Hell as it flew from the skies of Harmonis back to Earth's Galaxy. Sabaru looked on with a smug look on her Face. Her League to make the Greatest Team of Heroes will Succeed.

EVEN IF IT MEANT MAKING SURE OTHERS DIED FAILING!

THE END!

CREDITS

I Love You Man and Dinner for Schmucks were Reviewed, Compiled and Edited By Eamonn Bermingham (RealEnli)

WITH MEDIA FROM

I Love you, Man.

Derry Girls

Dinner For Schmucks.

Both films are property of Paramount. All Rights Reserved. All media used in all four parts belong to their respective Owners!

NEXT MONTH ON BOGGERBOXOFFICE.

THE NEW STORYLINE-A GAME OF 2 HALVES AND NO QUARTER-BEGINS WITH MEN IN BLACK INTERNATIONAL!

2 TICKETS TO HELL: THE MACHINATION OF THE MARA: PART 1 OF PART 2: Dinner for Schmucks, PART 1

(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...

The Search for Answers continues off the planet as Our 2 anti-heroes followed Eamonn's Ship to Planet Harmonis, a tropical paradise that is inhabited by Anthros. A planet were Eamonn and his Manager/Lover makes Home. This "Woman" Sabaru, seemingly knows SatanicOstrich.

"You are...NO! ARE YOU? I TOUGHT YOU WERE..."

"DEAD? MY SPECIES IS! I AM CALLED SABARU OF THE MARA, THE LAST OF MY KIND

"WOT'S A MARA WEN ITS AT HOME"

"A Demon. and a dangerous one at that! You heard of "Nightmares"? That's a Mara, all the time! A Parasite that lives off the subconscious and conscious mind of high level creatures."

Why Beelzebub, look at you with you Specist Reasoning? I Heard from my Signees from Earth How Eamonn Saved Hell with your Help! Look at you, You big Softie, Saving the mortals

If you save a mortal, it would be as a midnight snack!

Yes. and what Good did Living off Humans do? We lost the Cognitive War to the Cosmic Entities and they sealed us in the Hammerspace, Only for the strongest, the Last of her Kind to be free. And for what why feed on dreams. when i can make them?

Wot do you Mean?

I'll show you! Eamonn can create great power from his reviews, does he not?

what are you driving at?

come to the amphitheatre, it's time!

(AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!)

 Ladies and Gentlemen, the plot to the whole film, in one picture!

But this is a finale so have to dig deeper and OOH BOY! The Opening scene sees a man's hands Creating a Diorama of a Romantic Date....Out of Stuffed Dead Mice!

Leave this to one side for a moment, As we cut to a Generic Business Agency and a man being fired. Tim Conrad (Paul Rudd)  and his co-workers wonder who will get Kavanaugh's Office. At meeting with the CEO of Fender Financial, Pitches his Idea: A Recently Acquired  storage Bin of Dud Cold war Era Bombs...and the Lamps that can he made from them! The lamps are Trash but a Swiss Rich Idiot who collects Kitsch Art is interested. They Will sell the lamps at a loss, but hope to Gain Martin Muellers Portfolio. It seems like it has tanked But Fender is impressed so he invites him to  Dinner on Saturday....But it's a special Dinner, To gain Favour, The Invited Worker Must bring an Idiot for Ridicule. If their "Guest" Wins, It's a shoe in for promotion and a raise. But there is a catch, to in fact 2, 1) It's a secret and 2) It cant be just a Bum or Prostitute, It has to be someone who has put work into Stupidity!

Tim Needs this Promotion, He wants to Marry his Fiance, who is a Curator. While she makes a lot of money, Tim's Work at a Stockbroker is a stable job. We meet The Artist that Julie is Curating. Kirin (Jermaine Clement) Who looks like Russel Brand, Is an Artist who Paints Horrific Self Portraits Out of Animal Dung and Blood. 

And it's not outsourced as he brags about having a ranch were he recently Birthed one of his Zebras and used the placenta to paint his latest piece of pretension, a self portrait with the foal with him as Jesus!

After the Unveiling, Tim and Julie have Dinner at a restaurant and Tim Tells his fiancee about the "Dinner for Winners", She Disgusted and tells him off for even thinking about it! And Tim wasn't going to until the next day he runs over Steve Carrell.

Barry Speck (Carrell), The Pair of Hands That were Making Dioramas Out of Dead Mice, was Ran over while he was Salvaging Another Mouse Corpse. He Proceeds to Haggle money for HIM TO GIVE Tim for Being Hit by his car. Before Showing him his latest Diorama of the Last Supper-made with Mice, Gifting the Stockbroker with Mouse Jesus. 

Finding Barry after being in two minds about the Dinner, Tim takes it as a sign, calling Barry "A chicken that plucked itself to be Eaten", Only to be interrupted by Mr Fender and Martin Mueller (David Walliams, who looks NOTHING Like the actor they used for the Photos Used in Scene 2!) Despite being only an Analyst, Tim's knowledge of Modern Art ( thanks in no small Part to being in a relationship with a curator!) Gets in Mueller's good books. Fender also tells his right-hand man, Filch, who is also contending for the office, that using employees with stable relationships over dinner with clients and wives in a great move, since Men always consult their wife on decisions!

Meeting Julie at home, She finds Mouse Jesus in Tim's Pocket, When he explains who he is, she's angry that he's going along with this! He says he wont ever see Barry again as they argue in the lift....only for Barry to Arrive!

Mistaking Tim for being stuck in a elevator he pulls him out, injuring his Back. Barry is here because he got his dates wrong, and because he was invited for "Dinner" he wont leave til he's fed! Barry Attempt of First Aid ("A Human's Spine is no Different than a Mouse's!) only makes things worse! Tim Tries to ring Julie only for her to leave her Phone at home (PLOT POINT!) Actually it can get worse, as Tim is gifted a mouse version of himself!

When Tim crawls for a back Brace, Barry Hears an Email message chine and answers it. It's a hooker called Darla that has being stalking Tim for 3 years and Barry who's.... Special, Answer it prints out a picture of Darla's ass cheeks and sets up the Side-Plot shenanigans, Ending with Barry giving Darla  his address. Tim tells Barry to leave, but Barry tells him he'll "make it up to him"

It get's worse as This involves Using the picture of  Darla's ass cheeks to Recognize wrongly Julie. Julie puts 2 and 2 together and tries to warn Barry about the Dinner, he calls her Darla. Barry's limited vocab and lack of Context  and Lack of Semantics with what he told, makes put Tim is a cheater and causes Julie to run out! He also thinks Julie has being Cheating on him with Kirin, (I BET THAT'S NOT ALL SHE'S CURATED!" ACTUAL FUCKING QUOTE!) As stupid as Barry is, he's smart enough to use contacts to open Kirin's Number and Accuse Kirin on Barry's behalf...Only to hear what sounds like Julie's Laugh in the Background! It Seemed Dumbass has a Point and Tim has Barry rent free in his head about her cheating! Tim is no shape to drive so He has to teach Barry on the Spot, because it would be insensitive to him to say he is "An Excellent Driver!"

Barry Breaks Into Kirin Apartment, After throwing Tim's carkeys at the window to get his attention. Kirin's cat is attracted to the Mouse corpse in Barry's Pocket. Revealing Himself to a Half -Naked Kirin, Tim follows the two to Reveal Kirin's Secret-He is a Furry! But with Kirin pretending to be a film-maker, Kirin Reveals one other thing, He always sleeps with female co-workers, he even calls it a name -"THE ARTISTIC PROCESS!"

They return to the flat, Barry see's Julie picture and calls her Darla, only for the Penny to drop for Tim. that's when Darla in all her Hysterical Inglory, Arrives just as Julie calls him, so she puts his phone down her tights and locks Tim in a storeroom. She tries to have roleplay with Barry who has a thin grasp at reality already! Not having any sex makes Drives Darla to Domicile Destruction (I LOVE ALLITERATION!) And Tim breaks out to find his flat destroyed! He finds Julie's phone that she left. There is a voice message from Kirin asking her to go to his ranch to "Put the Horse in The Stable!" Knowing what they now know, Barry thinks it's code for dong "YOU-KNOW-WHAT!" (At first he thought it was about Heroin!) But now learning Kirin cant keep it in his trousers! He wants to stop him from stealing his woman!

WILL TIM GET JULIE BACK? WILL BARRY CONTINUE TO BE A NUISANCE? AND AS FOR OUR HEROES CAN THEY TRULY TRUST SABARU? AND WHAT DID SEE MEAN BY SIGNEES?

THE ANSWERS WILL SHOCK YOU NEXT TIME ONLY ON BOGGERBOXOFFICE!