Eamonn Reviews Tooth Fairy

(Rather than put a song from the soundtrack or a song that I waxed lyrical over dialogue, I'll share with you a recent song I'm very much into at the moment. This is Hot Natured with Reverse Skydiving.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPKf-Cf5IEg
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
WE WON! WITH A STAGGERING 194 PAGEVIEWS COMBINED LAST MONTH, YOU CHOSE TO PUT MASTER CONTROL OFF-LINE. PERAMENTLY! So it's only fair that this is nothing more than a breather episode, but I'd assume you'll enjoy all the same!)

(We open to Eamonn watching the end credits on his dvd player. He switches the player off and takes out the dvd, putting it neatly in the case....then chucks out the kitchen window, off the garden wall, bank shots the bin-lid, ricocheting into the bin that promptly closes!)

WOW! JUST.....WOW!

I Mean.....I've Done a lot in the past 5 years as a reviewer. I Have seen the worst wrestling matches, Eaten crisps not fit for Animal consumption, and on this blog, on a monthly basis, reviewed every piece of celluloid Shite! But my tussles with Wrestlers, Sexy Zombies, Ice-Cream Zombies, Sheep Zombies, Spike dressed as Piccolo, the Fire Nation, Kim Cattrall naked, Horse-face, Drunk-o and Pervo has done nothing to prepare for this new threat!

The Only joy I can get is that if a film can't be a shining example then it can be a stark warning.

So lets take The Dwayne's Dignity, shine it up real nice, turn it sideways and stick it up his Sell-out Ass!, this is the Tooth Fairy!

We Open to a hockey Game where a team called the Ice-Holes (Insert Mr Freeze joke here~!) are losing, Until the manager puts in Derek Thompson (The Dwayne) who promptly smashes a guy through a pane glass window, making him lose a tooth, Naturally he is put in a penalty box but not before making terrible tooth puns!

After being told to mind a hot-shot new player called Mick, Derek feels he's feeling his age creep up on him. When a group of autograph collectors exposist that Derek is not Big-time anymore, he insults a child.
It's an Ass-Hole who becomes a creature only children can see. I Don't need to do the FORESHADOWING! Joke!

Somehow Surprisingly, Derek has step-kids with his girlfriend played by Ashley Judd. When his daughter loses a tooth,  he steals the money to pay for a bet. In Doing so is caught and tells his daughter that the tooth fairy is not real.

That night he finds a Summons under his pillow. he is to Community Service. As a Tooth Fairy. With Wing and tutu!

Being Teleported to what could be described as a non-denominational Santa's Workshop, Derek is met with his Case-worker, a Wingless Fairy called Tracey (Stephen Merchant (of terrible Jokes!))

After starting a fight with Tracey, The boss called Lydia  breaks it up, played by Film Royalty, Julie Andrews,
CREDIBILITY-LEVEL UP!

Lydia explains that for what Derek did, he is to do the duties of a tooth fairy for 2 weeks. 1 for stealing, and the other week for calling himself a tooth fairy.

Nom-de-guerres can get you in trouble?
Then I'm going to get my ass handed by the Dali Lama!

He meets Jerry (Billy Crystal) who is the tooth fairy Q. He gives him Derek his gear: a pouch, a wand that doesn't work because Derek doesn't believe in magic (PLOT ITEM!), Dog Bark Mints (it's does exactly what you think they do!) cat repellent, shrinking toothpaste and Amnesia Dust, which Jerry demonstration over and over in a Who's on first? style gag, except not funny.

After a flying school scene that is not Merchant being bitter about not being in Potter(!), Lydia tells Derek that he must perform fairy duties when the moment arises. this leads to Derek sprouting wings at the worst possible moments in his private and professional lives.
A Gag they play to death here!

So Derek's first assignment is barely a success. In the Hockey Match, Mick steals Derek's thunder, When he is called to assignment, he has no choice but to shrink and flush himself down a toilet. Tracey complains about the smell
I would have loved it if Dwayne said
"If you think this stinks, you should see me in Southland Tales!"

A pissed off Derek over uses his Amnesia Dust that cause drastic effect to all it's victims!

At the tea-room, Tracey's envy of the other's wings is more evident.

After an assignment is cancelled, Derek is forced to spend time with his stepson, Derek helps Randy when he is bullied in front of a girl he likes.

Next assignment Derek causes a haunting and  is bitten by dog. His probation is suspended. Andrews tells Derek that Fairy-land is on the brink of non-existence and supplies of fairy gear is low.

Derek meets a booster (a cameo by Seth McFarlane) who sells him defective gear. In doing so and using it, he blows his cover and is arrested. His girlfriend bails him out.

The next Night, Derek customises his uniform with hockey gear. He then uses his Invisibility spray and Dog Bark Mints to ruin Mick's game, Forgetting that, like every boss who has a worker on probation, Lydia has Tracey keeping tabs on him. So Tracey blackmails Derek to teach him who to be a Tooth Fairy.

We get a triple montage of Randy practicing his guitar for a talent show, Derek taking free shots and Training Tracey to be a tooth Fairy.

When Derek tries to prove he has it in the next match, the team misjudges it as an ego problem. Being banned from the next game, makes Derek spiral back into a Jack-ass, telling Randy his dreams of being rock-star, like all dreams, are pointless, making Randy break his guitar in anguish.  He also breaks down the wall of confidence that Tracey built up.

Motivated by Tracey, Derek finally gets a goal much to the fan's enjoyment. Until Tracey reminds him of assignment,  Derek transforms into a tooth fairy on live television, flying out of the Langoliers Sky-Gina. Tracey shoots the entire crowd with an Amnesia Dust Cannon.

Yeah, and I Would have disabled the live feed of the nationally televised match beforehand and steal the tapes. Unless, y'know, PLOTHOLE!

Apologising to Randy Conveniently makes the magic wand work, making a new guitar, Finally believing in magic and dreams means that Derek finally gets it and his relieved of his duties. Tracey becomes a Field tooth fairy, but it also means that Derek is left with no memories of the tooth fairies.

Sadly  I have no such luck. And now, neither do you because....
THIS FILM SUCKS!

They say you'll know Rock Bottom (boom! boom!), when you reach it, and for The Dwayne, who has appeared in countless crappy children films, this is a new low. Despite Julie Andrews in this film she is barely seen, and Rock is not helped by the Once-Great Billy Crystal and the Never-Great Unfunny Giant. Attempts of comedy are terrible puns ( Fairy-Krishna, Fairy-oke, Ice-Holes, replacing truth with tooth) and Crap getting pass the radar. the CGI is terrible, and the climax has that huge plot-hole I mentioned.

As bad as it is, morbid Curiosity made the film break even, and spawned a Shameful Sequel starring Larry the Cable Guy.

But that's a review for another day!

CREDITS
Tooth Fairy was reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
with clips from the tooth fairy.
Music: Reserve Skydiving by Hot Natured.
Tooth fairy is property of 20th Century Fox. All rights reserved.
All clips belong to their respected owners.
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