Halloween special 2026 The Gourmet Detective (Pilot)

Hello and Welcome to my Halloween Special. But one made under False Pretenses, this was Actually Drafted in August. And I am telling you this just in case you point out I give MLW hell about not disclosing about being prerecorded. At least I can admit it!

Let Me Explain. 

Today's Review is Something a Little Different, but keeping in the Spirit of Halloween. We've Done Horror, we've seen Monsters, Zombies, we've Done Sci-Fi and we can't call ourselves a Bad Film Review site without reviewing an Asylum Film.

But One Angle on the Spooky Season we haven't touched upon yet is Mystery. 

And while Legend had crammed every Genre on its channels, to find a Horror film on their channels is nigh impossible, it's our old friends behind Pop, Narrative Entertainment, who have come to the rescue with the Free to Air Great! Mystery channel on Sky. But I had to wait til the pilot cycled back into being shown again. There are only 5 films, so doing the pilot now on the chance it doesn't get repeated is why this was Reviewed months in advance. 

As the home of Murder Mystery on Sky (other than Alibi, which is a paid channel) Great Mystery is the home of Hallmark Channel Style TV Films, the Kind of Programs that would have been shown after Daytime tv and put before the lunchtime news. The kind of show littered  between Cookery and Gardening shows, The Kind of Shows you would put on TV in a Carehome Dayroom to entertain the residents. You know, shows like Murder, She Wrote, Fr. Brown and Hamish Macbeth, Shows with Mystery, but Shows that are so Slow paced with lovely scenery and Comforting music, it will cause you to yawn just by watching it.  The excitement is so little in a package so bland, it feels like a single Speck of Black Pepper in a bowl of Mashed Potatoes!

Which Brings me to Choosing this series, Great has a LOT! Of these Cheesy TV Movie Mystery films-Aurora Teegarden, the Garage Sale Mysteries, but this one held my heart Strings a little more-The Gourmet Detective, based on the Books by Peter King.

I Love Mystery.

I Love to Eat.

What could go Wrong?

THE FOLLOWING REVIEW IS OF A FILM RATED PG, WITH MURDER, SUICIDE AND INNUENDO. DESPITE THE RATING, THIS FILM IS INTENDED FOR AN ADULT AUDIENCE.

Recorded from a TV Taping, so no review of Cover or Artwork.

We Open with a Robbery at a Stately Home turned Restaurant as a hooded Figure in black steals files from an office and disables cameras. They go into the restaurant's walk-in fridge, pulling a Bin aside to keep the door open to stop them freezing to death.

Walk in Freezer Doors can be opened on the inside to prevent deaths. The only person who wouldn't know that would be someone who never worked in a kitchen and Spoilers-every suspect belonged to the Restaurant Industry. In an Act of Sabotage, the Figure lets loose Cockroaches and Rats into the fridge unit and Dining Area. A convenient Flashlight Shines on a Newspaper Clipping telling us this restaurant being attacked is Chez Duquette. No doubt the Duquette family were stupid enough to be interviewed by our old friends....EXPOSITION NEWS! The pinned Photo has a meat cleaver thrown at it.

SYMBOLISM!

We cut to a Chinatown market in San Franciso, as we meet Our Title character, Henry Ross (Dawson's Creek's Dylan Neal), Gourmet Social Gadfly and Cookery Supply Teacher. He's actually buying ingredients for a last-minute class he's been hired for. We then see Overworked uncomprising Detective Maggie Price (Brooke Burns), yelling down her phone with a bag of pre-made meals, she trips and spills a whole bag of tomatoes.

Back to Henry, he is also a consultant to a blogger named Lucy, who will act like his Fact-checker and assistant, as while Henry is no doubt an Epicurean Expert, he needs someone tech-savvy to manage his Contracts. And if it means trips to Vegas and Hotel stays, Why Not have him work for you? We learn Maggie is a Divorced mother with a daughter, a mother, and a Hit-and miss Romantic life-Because of course she is. Back to Lucy and Henry, Lucy tells her consultant he got a call from Peter Duquette calling about needing his help. Henry will drop everything after his cooking class to aid his Mentor.

AND WOULDN'T YOU KNOW, WHO BURNED THE MASCARPONE? But the Restaurant where Maggie is having her date, is also the restaurant, Henry is Teaching his class! Kind of cheap to go to a restaurant to cook As a Couple, but given the age and Circumstances, the Fella is also a divorcé and brought her here to show that he can be a providing Househusband for his Prospective Second Wife.

Henry is introduced as "The Gourmet Detective" Meaning he has done cases before. That kind of Upsets Maggie to Hear him been called that. She calls him out on it and he explains, he is not so much of a detective, as more of a Trade Faciliator, Contracted to replace ingredients with cheaper ones and speculate Food Markets and the like, and the name stuck, even though it's wrong. Maggie still has issues with the guy who is essentially lying about being in her line of work.

Best Drop this Early.

First They hate each other, then later in 2 film's time, they'll Love each other...

Naturally, Maggie's Date Is Really hopeless at cooking, So Henry always makes extra, which is great because Maggie hasn't eaten anything all day, probably because she wasn't expected to cook her own dinner! She does Complain about his use of obscure ingredients, which she would never look for in her busy life. But Henry says he focuses on every little detail so you don't miss the obvious, like Maggie's date having the hob at a high level. Maggie can't believe she just got detective tips from a Poser and a Glorified Booster! She calls out his so-called deductive powers only for Henry to reveal he has Sherlock Holmes levels of reasoning. He even has Maggie number that she is not over her divorce and only dating to make her daughter happy.

Maggie comes home to check on her daughter and tells her it's over. It was doomed from the start-The Guy didn't even get a name! Abby asks If her father will appear for her chess game, but he probably won't!

We cut to the Next morning as Henry meets with the Duquette family, laughing and joking as they eat fish tacos.

Clearly a family Courting Financial Ruin and at their wits end! 

Peter hires his former Protege to investigate Chez Duquette on the night of a big Gala. If Peter did go to the police, the Rat infestation would become public knowledge and they would be forced into closure, exactly what the saboteur wants. 

At the Night of the Gala, we meet all the main suspects. First, and because the young woman with Peter needed a name, it's revealed to be Pauline Duquette, Peter's Niece and General Manager. Raymond Bishop, Peter's Brother-in-law and Rival, who heads a Restaurant monopoly. They are feuding for so long for some reason, that not even their own niece  knows! Next is Klaus, The Head Chef who is Annoyed by the constant pranks and Sabotage in his kitchen. Klaus tells Henry the Rats were planted the day before Health inspection, and the day was marked In the calendar, meaning this was an inside job! 

Our fourth Suspect is Leyton Leopold, A rival chef who works for Raymond Bishop's Filmore Bistro, who beefs with a Sally Aldorn, a Cookbook writer who rubs Cocky Chefs like Leyton the wrong way. 

Henry spies 2 men passing a USB drive to each other, but before he can Trail them, Bishop finds Henry.  Turns out Bishop has also been the victim of the same problems Chez Duquette are having. Or is it a cover to not arouse suspicion?

The Guests are called to Dinner, and we get interplay with all our Suspects. Leopold calls out his boss, for not giving him free reign over the Filmore Bistro, to which Raymond tells Leopold if he doesn't like it, "Buy Your own Restaurant ". Pauline calls out her uncle for being too basic. At the table is the man with the USB drive, he has a Texan Accent, knows Sally personally (or intimately), who names himself Ian Jenkins, Investigate Reporter. After everyone eats the main course Surf and Turf Steak and Lamprey Eel, Jenkins is about to make an announcement, if only he didn't drink poisoned Champagne to clear his throat!

See, this is why as a Reporter who need notes or Speech cards on your person, should things like this happen!

With a Murder on site, Maggie is called to Chez Duquette, turns out, but unsurprisingly, an Investigate Reporter has made powerful enemies including Former Deputy Mayor Not-Appearing-In-This-Film!

Maggie brings In Henry Ross as a witness, though she starts to badger him when he has opinions on what killed Jenkins, Namely the Natural Botulism from Lamprey Eel. And since Toxicology hasn't issued results yet, Henry accidentally made himself a person of interest. However the D.A. just found Henry's Bio and they interested in his Knowledge and Connections, making him a top Suspect...that is if he did it, which he hasn't, but given the Cops don't know their Ar*e from their Elbow Marconi when it comes to food, the Gourmet Detective is now a paid consultant on Maggie's Case.

The next morning, Maggie plans on scaring Henry off the case by sending him to the morgue. He's late because he's being preparing a Gourmet Coffee morning for his new clients,  Coffee that was made by feeding Monkeys coffee beans and farming the spit. Causing Maggie to spit hers!

PLEASE~!

That's tame considering The Creation of Kopi Lowak is MUCH WORSE! Google it if you have a strong enough Stomach!

AND OH MY GOD! Henry even mentions Kopi Lowak by name!

Maggie is Enjoying seeing Henry squirm in the Mortuary. The Doctor reins them both in to tell them Jenkins Died from Botulism from Eating Lamprey Eel. However, the amount of Lamprey Eel Poison in Jenkins exceeds that of the meal he ate, meaning he must have been drip feed Lamprey Poison for hours before the Main course Eel finished him off!

After getting on each other's nerves, they go over the facts with DCI Bailey. Henry Rules out Chef Klaus, given his attention to care with his dish to a level that none of the mains, even the victim's, couldn't be tampered with. Henry has his own suspect, one that was overlooked-Oliver Page, the TV chef, and the man who gave Jenkins the USB in the first place. The Police ask "What USB?"

You Didn't check the Dead Man's Pockets for clues-WHAT IS THIS? KEYSTONE COPS?

At the news station where Jenkins was fired from, they find a Cork Board with all the Suspets on it, there are also a couple of post-it notes with the one catching Their attention is one that reads TODD ARMAUD on it. Another reads A. SCARLARI $350. Ian Jenkins actually got Oliver Page Fired from this very Studio, Could the motive be revenge? Maggie doesn't believe so if they were still Chummy. They go to Oliver's home, knock on the door and find it open. With Gun drawn Maggie goes inside and finds Oliver on the floor, knocked out but still alive.

As Maggie get Oliver some water, she notices a tumbler filled with some Liquor and marked with Lipstick. She asks About the USB, Which was collected from an Alex Scarlari, Jenkin's regular Photographer, who was mentioned on the board. When Questioned about his cancelled show, Page says he was Burned out and it tanked his marriage. Jenkins writing a scathing review caused the board to fire Jenkins themselves.

Bailey tells our heroes that Jenkins' pockets are clean, No USB was found, Prints were found on the tumbler however, going back to Pauline Duquette.

When confronted with her uncle present, Pauline Confesses to wanting to Hire Page to front a Culinary School, Much to Duquette's Anger. Oliver lied about Pauline Solely because he wanted to save his marraige, and having a drunken affair with Her wouldn't have help things!

Getting into contact with Alex Scarlari in Italy, He was paid $400 to photograph everyone at the party and Nothing else, that brings up the other Post-it Notes. Noone knows who Todd Armaud is Or 12-930. maybe it's not a time frame. The vitctm died on the 12th, maybe he had an appointment for 9:30 that Morning?

Henry had an Epiphany, Maybe Jenkins wasn't the Target. Maybe Raymond Bishop planned the whole thing to get his rival Out of Business, Planting seeds of Similar Sabotage to Cover his tracks. 

They Question Bishop at his home....and are shocked to see Peter Duquette. 

Turns out the "Rivalry" is worked Like A Professional Wrestling Angle, they are Buddies, The Rivalry Came out of a Reporter misquoting a Teasing Critique and the two ran with it for 40 years.

Back to Square One in a Diner, Henry tells Maggie he owes Peter for teaching him the greatest lesson of all: How to keep The Common Touch. When Henry Returns home, taking a call from Lucy, he Finds a Warning- A Butcher knife stabbed down into his cutting board. And if he missed the point-a cut out newspaper message was pinned to the knife. Since every Suspect knows Henry personally and professionally, it could be anyone!

Henry refuses to Tell The police, since it will take him off the case. Plus his mentor is still in danger. 

Henry gets a call, Maggie has being searching the Internet and found a photo of Sally and Jenkins at a Fundraiser together, looking very much like a couple. Sally Aldorn just topped the Suspect list. Sally's Book launch is tonight,  they can question her there.

Before the launch, Henry is at Maggie's house trying to convince her family This Is Totally Not A Date, Maggie comes down in a Racy White Number and Henry Doesn't Beat The Allegations. 

It's The Launch Party For Sally's Book, Culinary Conspiracy. Trapped in a Lie, Sally knew she would be Suspected Solely on Just Being Ian's Girlfriend. So Henry traps her in another lie, telling her he heard a Rumour about her being scouted by another publisher, and it makes her spill about Leighton Leopold. She Claims that since his boss has his thumb on the scale, he wants to print his own recipes that Raymond Bishop denies him from cooking, Leighton Had Come into Money recently Raymond was "convinced" to retire.

Having a Strong Lead, Henry wants to tackle Leighton at Filmore Bistro kitchen right now, But Maggie wants to go home, She sees too little of her daughter as it is, Not that a Childless Bachelor with Too Much Free Time To Wine and Dine Could Ever Understand.

So Henry makes it up to her when he returns from her Sunday Run....by making her family breakfast out of the blue.

He offers to make her an Omelette. So she flatly asks for an Omelette With Everything which he makes and she enjoys. Granted Maggie doesn't explode out of her clothes like A Defeated Enemy in Food Wars, or claims she will now take her Eggs Inseminated, But She's Warming up to him. But Henry says Maggie is right about one thing; Besides Cooking, he has nothing!

Once he washes up, Henry Brings out a replica Murder Board. He is Convinced the Sabotage at The Filmore Bistro happened first with The Sabotage at Chez Duquette was LATER As a Distraction! They go to collar Leopold, only for him to leave a voice message that claims he is about to "End It All!"

TRIGGER WARNING FOR SCENES OF SUICIDE

They Find Leopold, dead in his home. Apparently after committing Sui**de and confessing to Murder. Using the Supposed Feud to take Suspicion off him, Jenkins a Reporter would know the Truth that the Rivalry is a pantomime should this be found out, had to go. Leopold an expert fisher with his own boat, knew how to extract Lamprey Extract to add to Champagne to ply to Jenkins, slowly exposing him to Botulism and making the Eel Dish look like the Murder Weapon. While they don't find the poison, they find pictures his boat and the USB Drive.

But Something doesn't sit right about the Voicemail and the application of poisoned Champagne. While Maggie has some family time with her daughter, she gets a call from Bailey. the detective tells her, they found a photo that doesn't belong with the photos of the Gala. Henry has a flashback to the post-it note when he sees a business card pinned to fridge next to the photo of Leighton's boat. It was not TODD, It was T.C.D.D Hastily written, TCDD Been a Merchant bank on Armaud street. IT WAS NOT A NAME, IT WAS AN ADDRESS! Armaud Street is in the Financial District where that Clock Tower is, and you don't need a sound mixer to hear that, Meaning Leopold was Killed Elsewhere and Forced to Confess and send a message at One O'clock, when the Clock Chimed Twice in the voicemail, meaning Messages where Spliced by a third Player. And this Player Played Everyone to scam Money from the other suspects with fake Fundraisers and the promise of being a franchise of culinary schools and Ready Meals, to scupper both Filmore and Duquette empires and use their resources to do so. The only person a man could never refuse Drink from-A LADY! In the photo is a couple kissing outside the Clock Tower.

The Late Leighton Leopold and his Secret Lover...and His K*ller....and Ian Jenkins' k*ller....PAULINE DUQUETTE!

So it was Really Pauline who served Drink poisoned with Eel Extract, supplied by her lover. So Henry tells her that rather than deny it all they have to do is test for Eel Poison, A poison so virulent, it's no doubt eating away at her hands. So Pauline Draws a gun on them, Replacing her unarmed gun with Maggie's loaded Gun. How did you fall for such weak ruse?

Maggie is Cuffed with her own gear to a radiator and Henry is kidnapped. Luckily Maggie has a second gun and she shoots herself free, Alerting Detectives Bailey and Monroe outside.

Pauline is surrounded and his confronted to Confess about the two person scam to devalue both restaurants so they could sell them cheap, and used Sally's and Ian's Money to expand into a Corporate Food Empire, But Leighton Chickened out when Ian Jenkins was about to expose them, So Leighton had to be silenced, Maggie and Henry argue like a married couple when Pauline Is arrested. But he turns up at Abbey 's Chess game when her father does not.

AWWW! THEY DO LOVE EACH OTHER!

I MUST BE A ROBOT!

THIS FILM IS SHOCKINGLY BORING FOR A MURDER MYSTERY!

One question that most people have when they reveal actors for new detective shows and movies is "Why Do they Give these roles mostly to Comedians?" 

And that is simple-Death is a grim subject. And you need levity, Be it from the Goofy Premise of the show's Gimmick, the writing of a policeman been annoyed with the main character, a regular side character who exists to be the comic relief.

Sometimes the Murder can be hilarious, but you risk Jumping The Shark by doing this!

Of course the next choice for casting a star for a detective drama is a dramatic actor. 

Dylan Neal, The sixth best actor from the most overrated Ninties show that noone liked, barely qualifies, since as a Child of the nineties, I knew Neal more as the Creepy Magazine boss in that terrible Last Season of Sabrina The Teenage Witch a decade later. So he has being in dramas and Comedies, but nothing of note.

Having Someone who is usually bubbly and vivacious As The Model and TV Host Brooke Burns play a by the book, serious cop is also a headscratcher, though her fitting into fashionable dresses will no doubt be a series stable.

A series I may not want to finish. The only reason I chose this to review, is I thought the silly Premise and lack lustre cast, will be paired with a ridiculously Cheesy script and funny Food pun dialogue. 

Apart from Henry alluding to Cat You-Know-What Coffee, this was a generic killing that just happened to be at a banquet, Despite the use of anything other than Arsenic in The Champagne, that in itself is a Trope as old it's Genre.

Hallmark seemingly used ChatGPT to not only write Christmas Romance Films, but scripts to Romance mystery films. There was no emotion in the delivery and any dialogue can be predicted. Or maybe since this may have being originally filmed as either Four 30 minute episodes or Two One hour episodes, It seemed like the main characters broke down the clues every ten minutes to make sure the target audience of Nursing home Residents could still follow along.

Whether or not I actually honour my promise to never cover the series again, I would learn during my research into the books that not all the books were adapted into films-the second film is not based on the second book, Spiced To Death, But the Fifth Book, A Healthy Place To Die, Focusing solely on the books with character development. I was expecting this to be my own Tandy Computer Whiz-Kids that I could return to riff on. Is this Movie bad? Yes, but not bad enough to find stuff to make fun of. 

CREDITS 

The Pilot based on The First Book Of The Gourmet Detective Series was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (eamonnisenli.bsky.social)

With Media from:

The Gourmet Detective

The Simpsons

Family Guy 

Father Brown

Diagnosis Murder

Tone Madison

The Gourmet Detective was Produced by Muse Productions Originally For the Hallmark Channel, Based on the Book series published by St Martin's Press.

All Rights reserved. All Media used belong to their respective owners. 

NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE. 

We Return to Schitten-On-Havel for the next 3 episodes of Crap Happens!

Eamonn Reviews Cassandra Episodes 4-6

Let's Return to Last year's Halloween special,  The Next and Final Episodes of the German Horror Show, Cassandra.

Let's Recap. (Or you can read the Review of episodes 1-3 at this link below)

Bogger Box Office: Halloween special 2025: Cassandra Episodes 1-3

To internalize the Grief of a woman who is either her sister, her Threesome Partner or both, A mother, along with her Husband, Teenage son and Primary school aged daughter, move to a rural town to live in a 50-year-old smart home, where they foolishly reboot it's AI Controller, the Eponymous Cassandra.  The AI is a help to begin with, But Cassandra seeks to undermine, gaslight against, replace and ultimately k*ll the mother, Samira ("Sam"). This is also the origin of Cassandra Schmidt, as she was 50 years ago, a housewife who suspects her Husband impregnated her Neighbour. But she had own problems in been complacent in 3 mu**ers committed by her son, Peter.

In the present, side-plots include an Enamoured Cassandra Aiding Husband David with his erotic novels, son Finn's Burgeoning Gay romance with Steve, Who was threatened by the robot in the last episode, and Cassandra's successful Manipulation of Using Six-year-old Juno to cause a School shooting to secure a part in a school play.

CURRENT K*LL COUNT: 6

HORST SCHMIDT-Pulled through a windscreen and spine broken in a car crash. 

A MOUSE-Crushed by Cassandra's Wheel track 

PETER SCHMIDT-Offscreen (Confirmed dead from same Car crash that claimed Horst)

3 SOCCOR PLAYERS: Shot and Beaten to Death by Peter as revenge after an Assault by them.

THE FOLLOWING REVIEW IS OF A 15 RATED TV SHOW THAT CONTAINS DEATH, SUICIDE, INJURY DETAIL, SEX, WHICH IS DOWNPLAYED, VIOLENCE, LANGUAGE WHICH WILL BE CENSORED. AND SOME SCENES WHICH WILL BE PREFACED BY A TRIGGER WARNING. THIS REVIEW WILL BEGIN WITH SCENES AFTER A SCHOOL SHOOTING FROM THE OFF SET THAT SOME PEOPLE WILL FIND DISTRESSING. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. 

Episode Four- A Children's Game

We open With Samira in the kitchen thinking as a Policecar pulls away, covering her blank face  with blue and red lights that pulls her into a flashback of happier times when Cathy was alive. Her Sister goes with Juno to play. But as Finn clears his Aunt's plates, he sees Hidden Tablets.

TRIGGER WARNING FOR VIOLENCE TOWARDS A CHILD 

Without her meds, Cathy gets Uncontrollable rages about Juno colouring the Sun Pink, she lashes at Juno with a Scissors while Shouting "DO IT RIGHT!", Causing the girl to bleed and cry for her mother, when Cathy regains her Composure. Finn shows his mother the discarded pills.

That night, David wants to put Cathy in a Psych ward, with Cathy hearing it all we can follow what the Conclusion was.

K*LL COUNT: 7 

CATHY- Su***de

The next day Sam in the middle of the uproar Juno caused by bringing Cassandra's gun that was Hidden, quote "Under Mama's Bed" in the AI's attempt to Undermine Sam.

Sam Prill finally snaps and Defends Herself. She tells us that it was Juno who found her Aunt after her death. They want to take responsibility, but they plead not to Expel Juno. 

On the Ride home Sam blames Cassandra for this, but David still doesn't believe his own wife.

At home Juno confronts Cassandra about what she did. But the Robot is not above gaslighting a child. Samira tells Juno she doesn't have to change schools, but Juno has fallen for the manipulation and tells her mother she "Just found" the Gun.

And here it is. The character Assassination of Samira Prill!

She starts to grab and shake Juno to get her to confess about Cassandra. And here is where Samira's Character Drive Changes From "I will prove Cassandra is Evil to save my Family " to "I Will Prove Cassandra is Evil...Because I'm Right!"

This causes all four family members to get in the same Room when Cassandra exacts her final play against Sam- An Over dramatic Fake Termination to the Tune of Johnny Mathis' "When A Child is Born" with The Translated German lyrics that use Subtext, Because Writers are Cowards:

When You say to Yourself/ That it is over/

You Don't Believe/ She is Loyal To You. 

Then Turn Around and look in her Face

And you will see/ Tears Do Not Lie

Before the Screens make anguished Muted faces before Shutdown.

So you would think Samira would Follow through with smashing the Calculation Engine that powers Cassandra with the crowbar she picked up, but nope, it's Flashback time to 1964, one whole decade further than usual. 

In what was the Schmidt house, A young Peter is copying the movement of an ice-skater on TV. While Horst is too busy with work, he makes a comment that his co-worker has had a Sixth Daughter being born. And how terrible he doesn't have a real Heir. Cassandra says she wouldn't mind a second child. To which Horst retorts maybe it's not so bad "Peter is old enough to be a man, and you nearly have your figure back!"

You know, the more I hear Horst talk, the more I realise Cassandra must have enjoyed every moment breaking His Spine!

We cut to Forced Contentment in a Christmas Family Video, where Horst forces Soccer onto his son, that's when Cassandra reveals when tucking in Peter, she "Found" a unopened present. 

OH BOY! I BET THIS DOESN'T LEAD TO UNFORESEEN CIRCUMSTANCES THAT WERE PLAYED OUT LAST EPISODE (!)

So Being the Guy that will the Crux of all of Cassandra's Evil acts, he is afraid Peter will "Want a Dress next!"

NINE-TEEN SIX-TIES! CASUAL QU**R-COD-ING! 

By the way, this was the 60s when Ice Hockey was starting to become Blood On the Ice. And the Americans and the Soviets where treating it  as national pride on the line. So I doubt Horst would survive if he came up to a Hockey player and called them sissies!

That's when...Both Horst and Cassandra...get in the mood after their Arguing with Cassandra saying 

"Arguing is Good For Us!"

It's this reciprocal Submission That's carried over to her programming, that would put her at odds with Samira, who is in a modern 2 income household if both weren't so alike now in their Stubborness and misplaced superiority. 

A Machine can be arrogant. 

A Hero, one who was never a fighter to begin with shouldn't be. 

Back In the Present, Samira wants Juno to be on Friendly terms with her class,  However Emily,  the 6th class Girl Juno wanted to beat for the part in the school play is not an Easy Sell, So David is Convinced that making a play date with the girl is a good idea, provided David does a reading at Emily's mother's Bookshop.

Back in the past, Cassandra is now pregnant once again, Horst is of course hoping for a son, But Cassandra has Doubts when Horst wants to settle this now.

At the Department of Science where he Worked, they are Developing an Ultrasound so exact it will determine the Gender in no time. 

Keep In mind, Horst's Field is Robotics, Not Midwifery.

Exposure to the x-ray causes a lot of pain and lot more, Down the line.  But it also reveals Horst's baby is a daughter despite pretending not to see any results. 

We focus now on Finn and Steve is nowhere to be seen, so he texts him a message. 

The playdate is made with Emily going,  Contingent of David reading at Kristen's Bookshop. Finn rides to Steve's Farm, where his distraught mother tells his boyfriend Steve is Missing. That's when a man's voice Shouts "if that's him, I still never want to see him again!"

Back at the Smart House, The Six-year-old plays some weird game with a blindfold, a wooden spoon and saucepan. This is a family that does game nights regularly, why didn't they have a game for both girls ages? When Juno takes off the blindfold, she is convinced Cassandra is reactivated.

Finn finds Steve living rough in a garden Shed, with A cut on his lip-A tell-tale sign he came out to his father.

Back at the Smart House, The girls play hide-and-seek which was Emily's idea, she tries to find a place in the kitchen, that's when Cassandra, who has being only pretending to be offline, opens the oven for Emily to hide inside. See, Samira, this is why you count to 20 not 100 when playing hide and seek with children!

Back at the shed, Steve Tells Finn about how he was nearly victim #7, when Cassandra threatened him with a knife and called Finn "Her Son"

TRIGGER WARNING FOR VIOLENCE TOWARDS A CHILD 

Spying on Sam in Secret, Cassandra locks the oven and turns it on with Emily Inside, as her Skin Blisters, we cut back to 1963 where A young Peter is frightened by a Storm,  Cassandra comforts her son and it's a nice moment-Time to throw it into a Brick wall!

TRIGGER WARNING FOR SCENE OF MISCARRIAGE 

Peter Notices his Mother Bleeding as the Schmidt Bundle into their car during the storm,  but with the road out, Horst tries deliver his baby at home himself. 

Back in 2024, the ambulance workers frees Emily from the oven which was Foreshadowed last year that it Malfunctions. Finn comes home the Only person who believes his mother-Not that it helps her, as Samira is committed to a Mental Institution-And she just won't stop-She wants Juno to call her if anything else happens-only because IT'LL PROVE SHE WAS RIGHT!

Full.

Blown.

Character.

Assassination!

And Episode 4 ends with Samira Put in the Rubber Room at The Funny Farm. Juno tells David she thought she saw The Screens flicker today, but she's unsure. Finn tells David what Steve told him. David is so much of an idiot. Maybe Robot Cassandra barging right in to kitchen to stop Finn leaving and put the house on Lockdown while Proclaiming" Now we can be a family!" Will Convince You!

Episode 5-You Are Not Alone

So David Finally Cops on that, when looking for his phone, that is was Cassandra who started the fire when she does the exact same with her control of the gasoline. Surrendering, David asks what does the Machine want. So Cassandra Tells him how she got this way in a flashback

In 1972, a year after the m**ders of the Soccer players, Cassandra is forced to attend the memorial match. At the game they sit with her Neighbours and Horst's Love-child while hers was a stillborn.

K*LL COUNT: 8-MARGARITE SCHMIDT-Died in Infancy

Cassandra opens her eyes to her Son not Bowing his head over the Deaths his abusers, but he obeys. Years of Hatred has Turned Peter into an Aggressive Player. Cassandra wants to know why he still insists on leaving the team now when it's only going to look suspicious.  She Doesn't want see him in a Cell. Which Peter retorts "Yeah, Because Home is So much better!"

Some Time later Peter leaves for a date. When Cassandra Goes upstairs with Food for her and her husband, She Suddenly Collapses! When she calls Birjit's Home, She and Horst are making love. More or less, she let's Her know she always knew about the affair, she just wants Horst home. Cut to a Doctor's Office,  where the Doctor confirms she has Cancer. In fact, because of the botched Ultrasound, there isn't a single organ that is untouched. 

This Destroys Cassandra. the cancer, The Love-child, her own baby's death, the guilt of the mur**rs, but the last straw is seeing Peter stumble home drunk  after lying about being on a date, when all he did was drinking, and the realisation he will grow up without her. She tells Peter the bad news who is more upset about continuing to live with Horst. That is when Cassandra gets an Idea.

She wants Horst to use his Robotic Expertise to help her Cheat Death!

But Horst was told to Discontinue the Project, because it meant Willing Test Subjects which were dying, so it was deemed Immoral!

HASN'T STOPPED YOU BEFORE!

In the dead of night Horst shows the Prototype Robot and she is in, after all, this is all Horst's fault.

2 months later,  The Department of Science overhauls the Schmidt home into the Smart House.  One of the Researchers, Wilhelm, who Cassandra recognises as the man who Horst ordered to perform the Ultrasound, makes the mistake of being alone with Cassandra. He's spared because unlike everyone else, he apologizes. But Cassandra Forgiveness will cost him a favour.

Cassandra gets drunk and dances with her Prototype. Peter begs his mother do this after she dies to she can die with some dignity. But the process can only be down when the mind is at the threshold between dying and death.

It's the day of the transfer and it's too much for Peter, Cassandra gets her head shaved and prepped into an Electric Chair like device to Euthanize her and Convert her Brainwaves into Computer Data.

K*LL COUNT: 9-HUMAN CASSANDRA-Euthanasia 

The Process has worked and Cassandra tries out her new Robotic Body, Wilhelm like a Complete idiot brings out Cassandra's body in a body bag in front of Peter, who wants to see his mother's real face once last time, only to find it burned and Scarred During the process.

And that Bring us back to the Kitchen. David fights back and incapacitates her with a chair for a while as the kids run off, David points his finger at the Robot, which Cassandra promptly cuts off with her gardening shears!

Back in 1973, Horst has become sexually frustrated and while taking a shower he turns to see Cassandra watching him having "Alone Time" Cassandra pines that this is the only way she'll feel any Sastifaction from here on in. But when she puts her cold metal arms on his skin, he is repulsed. He hugs her to comfort her, but Peter cannot get over the fact that thing is not his mother. When Horst thinks he has finally had his bread buttered on both sides in having a housewife that doesn't sleep and a mistress that gave him a second chance to raise a man, Cassandra locks the doors to stop them from escaping.

During Dinner, Horst get A call from Birjit, she has trouble at her home too, but Cassandra cuts the phoneline.

Horst turns off Cassandra at the mains so he can cheat with Birjit by letting her live in the Smart House. He tells Peter that baby Thomas is also his son. We learn the Favour asked of Wilhelm; it was to replace the main killswitch with a Dummy, over time Cassandra learned how to send her Conciousness like a relay to give the illusion of being switched off.

It is the Night of the Car Crash and it all starts with Cassandra Kidnapping the Baby and Bashing Birjit's head with the oven door and magnetism.

In the Present, the Prills including David with Crude first aid on his hand, are forced into their bedrooms for the night. Finn searches for his phone, but Cassandra has taken all phones. David, slow on the uptake as usual, accuses Cassandra of murder, we see the m***er of Horst and Peter play out during their escape.

We learn However it really was an Accident, Peter tried to Get Out of the moving car to go back to Cassandra, but Distracted Horst crashed the car as it smashed into a tree.

We Recap the Opening scene Cassandra finds the wreck and sees Peter die, She is so Angry her programming short Circuits, the only functioning Thing In the Smart House, ironically is the Malfunctioning oven that acts almost like a Heartbeat for the next 50 years, and the last thing we see a mysterious girl with blonde hair covering up most of her face flicking a switch on and off repeatedly. 

Episode 6-Merry Christmas

We open with More Bad news in 1965-So, it looks like I will have to Update my K*ll Count to have one less. For you see Margarite Schidmt was Born, But the Radiation deformed her. Seeing her face Makes Horst not want "that thing" to have His mother's name!

Horst However cannot bring himself to K*ll Margarite Only because he sees Sons as Heirs and Daughters as Livestock, Noone will ever Love Margarite....As Much as They will! YEAH, THAT WHAT HE MEANT (!) He wants to Raise Margarite in secret to save face and lie to everyone that she did die during infancy!

K*LL COUNT: 8: (-1): OH BROTHER, THIS GUY STINKS!

So Cassandra is forced to obey her Orge of a husband once again!

Final Title drop and Samira's Driven Home from the Facility Due to Christmas, She returns to a home in disarrary, rotten Food and Distrubingly, no sign of Cassandra or her Family.

She Hears Juno's voice cry for and goes to her room, only to see one of Cassandra's Tricks as she had Used her programming to mimic her family's voices and likeness to cry for help and tell her she is a failure of a mother!

No turns out, That was a nightmare and she is still in the Hospital Even over the Holidays, her Nightmare Prompts her to call David, who tells her he won't be picking her up Any time soon. Samira who has been cured of her character Assassination in the last 2 episodes is now back showing real concern, when Juno cannot be bought to the phone! Cassandra Threatens David with a Hot iron to the face.

The Nurses will not allow Sam have her phone, before she can be written off As safe to leave. At the House, Cassandra takes advantage of Grocery Deliveries being No questions asked to keep "Her Family" Alive.

Finn has a Rebellious Streak due to his captivity, but unlike his Chicken crap of a father, he has a plan to escape, and that is to Precure a Christmas tree for Juno. Given Cassandra's Real Weakness is her Maternal instinct and her hatred of Sami, he allows David one hour to Buy a Tree or Juno won't wake up to see Christmas Day!

Can't Wait to see How he Bodges This up and makes things worse!

Sam Steals Nurse Miriam's Keys to Retrieve her Phone, Meanwhile David Finally passes the Idiot Ball to Cassandra, who generally falls For the Bed Stuffed with Pillows Trope. With Juno trying to call her mother on her Phone-The Phone she doesn't know is Confiscated. Samira finds a confide office to get her Phone. Just as Cassandra goes to find Juno. Samira finds her affects but the phone is dead! Cassandra Finds Juno in the closet, but she hand-waves it off as being a Fort!

David takes back Possession of the Idiot Ball, as he did not go straight to a Police Station or the Hospital, But Obediently went to a buy a tree, here David Bumps into Kersten who gets worried about his Injured Hand and Severed Finger.

Now, you may ask yourself why Kersten Wants to give the Husband of the Woman who Supposedly Nearly Burned her daughter to Death!

......

GOOD QUESTION!

.......

SO ANYWAY!

David Continues to be THAT GUY! In a Horror Story, when he tells Kersten what he is about to tell.

Let's Just say Don't be surprised if the Kill Count goes back up to 9!

In the Hospital Office, Sam Desperately Tries to find a working Phone, or a Battery for her Phone's Make and Model. Instead, of all things- she finds a universal Charger.

The Irony is lost on Cassandra, Years of Forced Happiness at Christmas, and she is doing the same.

Sami's phone gets charged enough to turn on and she is inundated with Missed calls. She calls back Juno's phone which the resourceful girl put on Silent and Vibrate and sings loudly to Distract the Deranged AI from noticing. But them Sami calls back at soon as the music died down.  

Concerned, Samira shows her Contraband phone to Nurse Miriam, who gets angry that Samira also admits to stealing her keys.  Rather than read the messages, she does nothing! But Samira won't give up on saving her family,  She's learned her lesson and so did the Writers!

That can't be said for David, who is not being believed by Kersten. Keep In mind, Smart Houses died out in the 1970s in his world for reasons never given to the public and disasters like this were possibly covered up by the Department of Science, so this story just sounds like the ramblings of a Maniac!

At the Hospital, Samira's heart sinks when Juno calls back,  threatened by Cassandra to wish her a Merry Christmas. 

The Coward Returns to a House that is under Martial Law. Sequestered in her Room Samira finally snaps and sees the "Ghost " of Her sister. Cathy. 

So that's what the Psychiatrist meant in episode 2 when she said, "I'm Glad you Didn't meet her til later", she meant seeing this delusion.

The Ghost apologizes for what she did, but the Samira she knew would never let another woman, Flesh and bone or otherwise harm her family!

At a forced Christmas Dinner, Steve,  more Destitute than he was Months ago, is at the door. Threatening Juno, he wants Finn to tell Steve to leave. Thankfully, Steve is Suspicious since he was threatened by Cassandra or  "Scary Poppins" as he called her.  Finn has to lie that it's David who has the problem with Steve staying the night. 

"Yeah It's Always the Fathers who have the Problem, Huh?"

He Gives Finn a Gift before leaving-a Wind up music box, a call back to a Song Finn wrote about His attraction to Tom Holland.  He kisses Steve and they promises this will get better. But he closes the door to the outside world indefinitely. 

Overnight, Samira Escapes and Nurse Miriam leaves a voicemail to David's Phone in Cassandra's possession, With all the screens plastered with The AI's wide eyed stare, it's now Endgame between Sami and Cassandra. 

Cassandra's plan is to make David Kill Sam, With Cassandra telling David while it's not in her programming to K*LL Children, she can be very imaginative on how to HURT Children, look at what she did to Emily! David, However does not have it that lucky, as Davis has his genitals crushed by Cassandra's Vice like grip. 

Sam smashes through the Basement window to Calculation machine. So I can agree saving her family first comes before destroying Cassandra. Finn sees Sami in the house on screen, but also David with a sharp Poker to Kill his wife.  But Finn and Juno's Voices reaches her, She smashes a family photo over David's head, Travelling through a walk in closet to the kids bedroom,  she finds a secret Room while trying to free her Children. A makeshift bedsit for a child covered in discarded Toys and Rats. Cassandra sneaks up to Samira and stabs her in the stomach when she turns around, ad she stumbles in pain, she pulls down a curtain to find the Mummified Remains of an abandoned young girl!

K*LL COUNT: 9-MARGARITE SCHMIDT-Starvation

And then....

AND THEN!

Samira is bleeding out and her first words she says is "I WAS RIGHT!"

Let's focus more on how Horst is such a terrible human being, because he did not want to play happy families with a Deformed Girl, he abandoned her during the night of the car crash. And that is why Steve tried to bail out of the car that night-Not to return to his mother, but to save his sister.

And that is what Samira is pleading, that Cassandra was a good mother, that she did her best, like she has, But She can't replace her kids with someone else's, that she cannot get the love she thinks she'll get by replacing her, she will never be called "Mother" she will be called "Mother's M***erer" 

That causes the knife to spring out of Cassandra's hand once more, she turns towards the mummy and sees A girl in it's clothes shaking her head.

So let's Wrap this up!

Samira Hugs her kids when they are freed from their bedrooms. In a piece of Twintext, Samira tells David "Yes it's over" meaning both the ordeal and marriage. But Cassandra isn't going to let the family gather their thoughts, No, She is about to go full Amityville Horror Up in here, As Samira smells gas and all four book it.

K*LL COUNT-10: CASSANDRA-Destroys herself in a House fire.

And the Series end with the "Spirits" of Margarite and Cassandra hug and take their hands to walk from view and fade away.

This Series....Eh....

If the Brainfart of Samira's Character Assassination didn't happen this would be a forgettable series. The only thing setting it apart is that it's non-American Horror and Cassandra's design is unique. This film is not and it's biggest flaw is all the loose ends. I will contest that the writers did not put in the existence of Ghosts in the last minute, but instead argue that Margarite and Cathy are products of Cassandra and Samira's broken psyches. What will happen to the Prills now? The family house is burnt down, but the family are pariahs in the town. Hell, since noone has even heard of a Smart House in this timeline, who is truly going to believe them that they didn't start the fire themselves? Are they going to live with Steve? Go back to Berlin? Get separated once the Hospital apprehends Samira? The lack of a epilogue leaves me empty. 

CREDITS 

Cassandra was Reviewed Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (eamonnisenli.bsky.social)

With Media from Cassandra. 

Cassandra was Produced by Rat Pack Productions For Netflix. 

All rights reserved and all Media used belong to These owners.

NEXT MONTH AT BOGGER BOX OFFICE...

This year for Halloween, let's do something different! We barely touch Mysteries for this time of year, so let's change that! 

Someone is Cooking up something in a kitchen,  but it's not dinner, it's death! As we meet for the first time! The Gourmet Detective!

Eamonn Reviews Crap Happens Episodes 1-3

By the time you see this Review, I have joined Bluesky 

And to celebrate this, here Is the film that would have won the twitter poll by default.

Except it's not a film, it's a series. I which TV and Streaming would do me a favour and tag films and series as such. 

Eventually I will start polls on Bluesky, when I find my footing once again.

So going in blind, once more. Crap Happens is a 9 episode comedy of a wannabe rapper, 15 years on the road with nothing to show for it, returns home for the funeral of his mother, only to get the shock of a lifetime. 

Episode 1 "Fell off a Tree Rescuing a Duck"

THE FOLLOWING REVIEW IS OF A TV SHOW RATED 15 FOR VIOLENCE, DRUGS, SEX, WHICH WILL BE DOWNPLAYED AND LANGUAGE WHICH WILL CENSORED. THIS REVIEW OF A NEW SHOW WILL CONTAINS SPOILERS

The show Opens with a Documentary style Narration (Dubbed in English). Toni Fliesh always ever wanted to be a Rapper, but after 15 years in Berlin, he is reduced to being a Pizza man. We are told he has talent, but the Crux of Toni's Misfortune is he is a Cosmic Joke, as in he is always in the Wrong place at the wrong time. 

REALLY?

"ICE TEA, I DRINK THAT, 2 AND A HALF MEN, I WATCH THAT!"

This guy would kick Toni's Ass!

Tony's two fans are a jar of Sauerkraut with a face drawn on it and his Boss Pipo, Who looks like German MoistKritical.

After a Day of Soul Breaking Customer Service, at the very same time, Far from Berlin, Toni's mother, an owner of a Towing company, gets a call that will change her family's life forever. 

"A Duck Stuck Up a Tree?"

Wera ("Vera") a Former shot-put Champion for East Germany, who, unlike Toni, had no Wanderlust to leave Schitten-On-Havel, (Literally the ruder name of this series) Especially because of the town's Ducks.

She Rescues a Duck from a tree as the branch breaks and falls due to a Storm.

Well that's Fine, that wasn't too much of a fall and look, she already U....

(LIGHTNING STRIKES WERA REPEATEDLY)

Back in Berlin and Toni has a Gig and despite his Bravado, he is Nervous, he's up in a rap battle with people half his age, he's about to battle but his sister Nancy calls him and tells him the bad news and to come home. 

He has his rap battle. When the opponent makes a "Yo Momma" Joke, The Pain and Loss Makes Toni do the impossible: Win. But as he leaves them in Stunned Silence, he returns to Schitten For the Funeral. 

The Town is so American Southern State White Trash Coded. Instead of Duelling Banjos, I'd expect Duelling Polka Bands!

From a Upermarket that had it's S stolen 3 decades ago and never fixed it, to the civic centre Tony was laughed out of, to a leaf blower museum, Schitten-On-Havel is an Odd bird of a place, ran by a washed up Actress in a one party system, housed by Mean Spirited Boomers who treat making Toni's life miserable like it's their Religion!

We meet Toni's Family, Nancy-A policewoman, A Neat Freak and Mother of 4, his other sister Kaio, who quote "owns a Junkyard, blows stuff up and Swears so much, the Network has to beep her."

And her twin sister Karo who hates Toni for ruining her wedding 8 years ago.

And a man who stumbles to hug Toni, Johnny Carrerra, Tony's stepfather, who is 10 years younger than Toni and is a human waterworks!

"It's just one day" Toni keeps telling himself. 

At the service we meet 2 more characters, Paulie, Toni's self Proclaimed Best Friend, who had a crush on Toni's mother and a Strange fat boy (played by Leo Sky, who is a non-binary actor) who is playing a keyboard very well- though it's far too upbeat for this setting, and also the boy kinda looks like a clean shaven Toni.

(FORESHADOWING!)

Johnny in his eulogy says that Wera's Towing company was nothing more than a racket that she would cause accidents to lend her services and Johnny met her when she purposely slashed his tyres.

Toni gets a call from Pipo during the memorial that he has being scouted by a producer, but Schitten-On-Havel lives up to it's name by having phone coverage equal to a third world country. 

Or Ireland!

Toni asks his sisters who organized this strange 90s Disco inspired service.  They all point to Toni's ex-girlfriend, Jana. What We are lead to believe is a flashback is in fact two teenagers who stand next to the adults hijacking this private meeting. That got a Tickle out of me!

Jana is Toni's ex-girlfriend who inherited her mother's Funeral Directing Service. It looks like she wants to tell him something but she can't. 

Toni wonders if life would be better, if he stayed with Jana, then he seeing all the freaks he calls friends and family and then remembers why he left!

Setting of Wera's body in a Viking Burial, Kaio uses her Explosive Know-how to detonate her own mother's Corpse. ("I used her own fat as a flashpoint") Toni rests in his childhood room that been unchanged for years. Johnny tries to be a father but he comes off as creepy.

The Next day, Toni's Sleep is interrupted by a helicopter landing in front of the house. Sure Enough an executive from a rap studio (and heart clinic) wants to sign Toni to a Contract. Just one problem, Toni's self-Doubt never let him manifest anything more than bars and intros.

Dahlia Muller-Muller tells Toni her Attention Span has being ruined by Streaming (her actress looks into the camera as we hear a "TUDUM!") Toni has two weeks before said Goldfish memory causes the Executive to get bored and move on!

With Tony under pressure. He needs a way back to Berlin and the chopper is only for it's artists. Tony takes his mother's tow truck that was abandoned at the tree where she died. But it's stuck in mud and surrounded by ducks. Reversing hard Makes Toni accidentally k*ll  2 ducks, leaving their Duckling as an Orphan. The CGI Duckling looks up at the Rapper as its new parent. Which Toni becomes out of Guilt of what he did.

He speeds off towards the Capital and his dream. That's when another childhood he had ruined wants to come with, as the keyboard boy, Charley tells Toni he is His son!

Episode 2 "My Name Is..."

Episode 2 starts the same way Episode 1 ended, With Charley in the middle of the road, telling Toni he is his father. Charley Schammel, is an oblivious Bullied happy-go-lucky child of 14. Charley loves the school band where he is mentored by Toni's self Proclaimed Best Friend,  Paulie.

Charley is in the best mood of his life, as tonight he is going to confess his feelings to his crush in the band, Sacha "Nothing is Going to Spoil my Mood Today"

"I THINK WE ALL KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING!"

Charley's Grandparents were a loving couple and so it set Charley with Unrealistic Standards. When Jana, His Mother, turned her father's Barbers and mother's Funeral Directors into the same business,  it became the primo place for Old And Bitter Gossipers to spill the beans. Two of them gossip about Toni's return and when one the women points out Charley's looks a lot like "that Fat Blimp", the penny drops. 

Quicker than you can say, "Disney's Coco" a Musically Talented Child wants to learn about his family, despite being told he will be disappointed. 3 hours of arguing are removed (a TUDUM is heared!) Charley's Last Resort is to hold his breath and Jana Acquises. So they separately leave for Berlin. 

Toni sees this as a scam, but Charley Cranks Up the Waterworks, with a world Best dad mug, he fobs the teen off with a tenner and leaves, but oh well, nothing is going to ruin his good mood today

Back on the road, Toni does the math in his head,  the days do add up, but He used Protection that night, Right? 

RIGHT?

That's when he stops the car as Jana has blocked the road with the next level of emotional Blackmail...hundreds of Baby Dolls that say "Papa" and Charley's voice in pointed insults to Toni when touched. In the middle of it all, Toni doesn't find Jana, but Johnny and Nancy giving her stepfather a ticket. 

We see in flashback an hour ago, Johnny making an Oddly Specific Sui**de pact that he wanted to be ran over by a Baby doll Truck. Since Toni is in possession of the tow truck, it's his responsibility to clear the dolls, and Oh joy, oh Bliss,  He has to take the creep with him.

Bringing the Baby dolls to Kaio to have them blown up, Toni goes to write a song, but the words don't come out. He injures himself in frustration, only made worse by Johnny trying to Coddle his Stepson who is 10 years older than his "Father". Toni Is invited to dinner, and accepts when he learns it's Meatballs. 

At the Dinner table, he learns Jana is gone from the Salon, that is now closed forever. This brings us to a quirk Toni has, that when he is guilty, he cannot bring himself to eat. Under the threat of being shot by Nancy, he brings Meatballs to Charley, only to see they have similar quirks and Foibles when Eating.

Toni's idea is to have Nancy raise Charley with her sister's help. Turns out Karo,  the sister who had her wedding ruined by Toni, knew of Charley the whole time.  Charley meets Johnny for the first time and after calling himself Toni's Father again, The Naive Boy calls Johnny Grandpa "Which" sets him off in waterworks once more.

Toni goes to leave for Berlin again and Charley opens the Simpsons Did it First Playbook, by hugging Toni, the Rapper looks at Duck and he finally gives in. He'll stay in Schitten-On-Havel,  but only until Jana Returns for one week. And that time will go solely to song Writing. 

That's when things go south for Charley when he kisses Sacha. Nancy has a fourth daughter,  Who in her scenes she is either Obscured by Props, filmed out of Focus or simply not there. 

AND WOULDN'T YOU KNOW WHO WON THE PONY?, But turns out, Charley and Sacha are cousins!

And Episode 2 ends with Charley putting his arm around Sacha's Shoulder and Proclaims today, the best day ever, only for Sacha to exit stage right to vomit!

Episode 3: Kobi 

Our last episode for this post. Opens with what I assume is hours later from that night as we hear Sonarous Snoring and Bharms lullaby can be heard over the Towing company building. 

The narrator says it best.

"If there is three things Toni Fliesh was good at, it was Sleeping, Procrastinating and Sleeping"

But Now he has Charley in his life after 14 years and he wants to get in as much time with his father, he watches Toni in his sleep.

Not even Johnny is that Creepy-I HOPE!

Cons to being a Parent to an orphaned teenager overnight-Arrested Development like cuddling in his bed. 

Pros to being a parent to an Orphaned teenager overnight- Acquiring a person who was taught how to make a hearty Breakfast 

Or A Hearty Breakfast-if it was made by Heston Blumenthal!

And the morning begins with Johnny Suffering though hot Dog coffee, Green Chilli jelly Pasta and worst of all, Chocolate Scrambled eggs.

"THAT BOY AIN'T RIGHT, I TELL YOU WHAT! LET TONI ENJOY HIS CORNFLAKES IN HIS COFFEE IN PEACE!"

Cajoled by Johnny to at least try some Chocolate eggs, turns out by some miracle, It's actually delicious. He changes the subject by asking if its OK to still be in love with your cousin "Asking for a friend!" Toni despite not being a father for long, even he knows that's a bad idea. Johnny However gives the while "a lot of Royalty and Genius married their Cousins" speech, we also learn it's the norm in his home country of Mexico. 

Charley wants to do every father-Son after school At once, but Toni reminds him he only has a week left to wrote a debut song.

So now we have a new subplot, as the aforementioned Cult like one party politician/actress Veronica Ferres has plans for the land the Towing company is on.

Thanks to Charley's Rambunctiousness, Toni lacks the Energy to write a song.  Speaking of Charley, Sacha breaks it off, knowing what we now know.

Paulie breaks up band class to introduce a Swiss Foreign Exchange Student, the eponymous Kobi.

And when this shy boy plugs his guitar into an amp and gives it few licks,  he becomes the most desirable thing to girls his age. And Charley doesn't like how much Sacha is staring at him.

🎵Somebody's Jealous/ Somebody's Jealous!🎵

Toni Sleeps til 2pm. With no Work Done, Toni does Random Sh*t to procrastinate even further. But in a Toy box under his childhood bed, he may have found the unlikeliest of Solutions. 

A VHS OF A PUPPET'S 12 STEPS TO BEING A RAP GOD!

This is a show with CGI Ducks and Road Blocking Baby Dolls, were you really expecting normalcy?

Charley's way of Coping with Jealousy is naturally not to address it, by being Jeering and Passive Aggressive to Kobi. Who, as the only boy his age, asks Charley what's there in Schitten-On-Havel to do for fun. After learning Kobi is deathly allergic to Dogs, he sets up a hangout in a Hanger, that Charley fails to mention, is a territory for wild Dogs.

Back at Toni, we get an explanation on Huso, A Rapping Puppet in the 90s, whose back story is treated like he was a Real-life Rapper, who fell off after taking Dr*gs and of course, that leads to Tutorials like this. 

Let's just hope it's better than Dick Dickman's 10 steps to be a private Detective. 

At the last moment,  Toni being the Cosmic Joke he is watches the tape being warped just as the Puppet was to reveal the secret to rap, that's when Toni remembers he broke off the piece that when removed, makes a tape rerecordable. To record an Apt Film.

"Armageddon"

It's one of Toni's favourite films and he spends the whole time he could be writing, watching it.

Also we learn the Baby Duck has a name now-Tupac!

Charley goes to meet Sacha at his aunt's work, Which like his mother's salon/Funeral Directors,  the Police Station is also a Nail Salon, but only because save for the Odd Behaviour in Town, times are hard for Nancy.

Meanwhile Ferres plan to Acquire the Land of the Towing company makes it's first move, by her trying to buy the land from Johnny with a novelty Lottery Check. Johnny, not knowing better is about fall for Veronica's trick, until he sees A Vision of Wera....in the cover of the.....(sigh! The things they film to make me say!) Karma Sutra For Older Couples he was reading. 

Frightening him, Johnny refuses. But Ferres will not back down. Plan A it is,  Continue to make the Fliesh Family miserable. 

Once again, Sacha tells Charley it's over. When he hears on Police Radio a call about a Rabid dog escaping the Hanger, he goes to save Kobi out of guilt! But he needs dad's help. 

Johnny tries to call Toni but he still has bad coverage. On top of everything else,  here Is Maria Muller-Muller arriving by Helicopter. 

Kobi is actually covered by little Cute Sheepdog puppies, but to someone who could die from a single touch, the puppies might as well be the Zombie Dogs from Resident Evil. 

Trapped in An Abandoned car, Kobi cannot bring himself to leave it. So Toni goes to tow it away,  But is Blocked by the Rabid Dog. To save the Day, it's the Female Narrator who reveals herself to save the day. You thought the Narrator was Dahlia, no that's her dubbed voice, but it's also the voice of....Tupac The Duck!

Sure Enough, Tupac scares off the Rabid Dog with her Cuteness-WAIT A MINUTE! How does a Freshly Hatched Duck be so knowledgeable about the town, but also stuff that happened in the 90s?

Toni returns and is shocked by a Cut-Out of Muller-Muller.  Johnny, not knowing his own ass from a hole in the Ground, when it comes to music production, Thinks he did Toni a Favour by arranging a meeting with Muller-Muller in her office at 8am. Toni has to practically sit Johnny down to explain to him that intros are not Full Songs. He has nothing. A day is wasted and Toni does not blame himself for wasting most of it!  He ends the third episode and this post blaming both the father and the son he didn't want in his life. 

This was a good start to a show. Crap Happens has that Surreal Father Ted Feel to it. The Show is both Undeniably German, but also feels Universal. The Characters are all losers, but they are all likable. Three episodes in, and there is still a lot of intrigue to why characters are the way they are. This show is interesting and funny, I will be returning to it in November. 

Next month, we are still in Germany and on Netflix. As we finish Last year's Halloween special. When I review the last 3 episodes of Cassandra. 

CREDITS 

Crap Happens was Reviewed Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham.

With Media from:

Crap Happens 

Supahot Fire by Deshawn Raw YouTube channel 

Monty Python and the Holy Grail 

The Amazing World of Gumball 

Vevo

King of the Hill

Dragon Ball Z and Dragonball Z Abridged 

Crap Happens was Produced by Warner Bros International Programming (Germany) For Netflix.  All rights reserved. All Media used belong to their respective owners. 

Worst of 2025: Madame Web

 Well here is one for you all, a film so bad, no-one wants it!

Being a Spiderman character, Madame Web,  like the Spiderverse and what I have coined as the Spiderless films are co-owned by Disney and Sony, which meant there was a chance that much like with Borderlands last month, I had a physical copy of Madame Web and it was on Netflix.  Meaning I got Borderlands out so quickly, because I could watch the DVD on my chargeable device, have the machine run out it's battery, and continue where I left off on the Streaming Service. Easy Right? And for this review, I was expecting to do more of the same. 

Well.....

There is only one problem with that!

Madame Web has just returned to Disney Plus. So at least I have a physical copy in a DVD. 

Usually it's at this point I would explain who a comic character is by showing a picture and explain their backstory. But this time;

I Cannot. 

As in, if I show you what Madame Web looks like as her Real appearance it'll be a spoiler. So instead I'll tell you her powers and debut.

Madame Web is a Mutant, With Future Predicting powers. She debuted in 1980, Meeting Spiderman whilst acting as a Valet to an otherworldly being called Mr Universe. She was tutoring him on Morality. So she abducted Green Goblin, Dr Doom and Dr Octopus, put them on a planet that had no concept of war, had them invade, sped up time to see this planet in ruins, so Madame Web commands Spiderman and a small group of heroes, As a lesson that might for right is better than Might Makes Right! Before returning them to their regular stories with wiped memories...except Spiderman, who she told him that she was connected to him in the future so she'll return before what that connection revealed as a mentor In the shadows. 

...And a lot more Interesting than what the F**k this is!

Scotland's TV and Satellite Magazine (Now Tv and Streaming) in their review of this film described Dakota Johnson as quote "The Women who has mastered the Smug-Face and Flat Affect to a Science". And that was so funny when I read that, I had to include it!

And it's that Smug, Half Assed, Low Effort, Pepsi-Peddling Face that is Front and Centre on a web/Shattered Glass Motif poster with smaller headshots of Sydney Sweeney, Isabella Merced, Celeste O'Connor and Tahar Rahim, all next to their Spirit Spider-OC costumes. And what emotion are they showing? You guessed it!

HI GUYS! I'M SO GLAD, (BUT NOT REALLY) TO TELL YOU THIS FILM IS RATED 12 FOR VIOLENCE, THREAT, LANGUAGE, (WHICH WILL BE CENSORED) BLOOD AND BLOODY SURGERY, THIS REVIEW IS ALSO INTENDED FOR AN ADULT AUDIENCE.

We start a bit on the nose with a close-up of a Spider's Web in the Peruvian Rainforest In 1973, a red-headed woman is searching For a rare Spider for Oscorp (even though it was never mentioned, the time-frame would still match!), one that will eventually be the Progenitor to the spider that will bite Peter Parker, she is guided by a rich sniveling coward, who is certainly not a villain(!), who is obsessed with the "La Aranqa" a tribe of Spider people who punish the wicked. But she is not impressed with Mr Samson's lack of sense, and it's causes her to bend over because of her pregnancy, the scene was badly focused on the faces and the web, that I didn't catch she was pregnant. She didn't even look pregnant. 

Even after being called an Idiot with Evil Intent, when the woman finds a Spider, Samson shoots d**d all the researchers, seconds after congratulating her and later shoots her while struggling with the Test Jar.

Editor's note- I can't show the next scene, because of the line and the gesture the man in black makes but most of you know what This  is!

It had to a reference to this. 

So there is a Rustling in the trees, as Samson runs off with the Spider. As the Dying and Pregnant woman is rescued by the Aranqa Tribe Samson Mentioned.

Naked, Save for body paint and nets tactically covering the genitals and to look like webbing, They bring her to a pool of Rebirth under a Sacred Tree, covered in thousands of the spiders, a tribesmen forces a spider to bite her, as she gasps as the Bite has not granted her powers, but induced Cassandra to be born premature and passes the powers by one generation, the shaman tells the Women, her Daughter will return as an Adult to Peru, once the time comes to find answers.

By ironically being the most confused mess of a film!

Also Spider Vemon induces Premature Birth?

We cut to 2003, when the sound of a baby cry morphs into an Ambulance Siren, as The Driver, Paramedic Cassandra Web (Dakota Johnson) calls in a serious accident with the tone of a mother Disappointed with her Child, Speaking of Being Disappointed with a Child, Cassie nearly runs over a Skateboarding schoolgirl (Celeste O'Connor) in a Fated meeting. The stroppy child flips off the Ambulance as she crossed the road.

At the Hospital, Cassandra and her Partner, Ben Barker have taken their patient Successfully to Hospital and will Survive. As they drink Pepsi with the logo facing the camera, the patient's Stepson wants to give Cassandra a picture as thanks.  Something Cassie is confused by.

"BEEP BOOP! WHAT IS THIS HUMAN EMOTION CALLED "LOVE?"

That's her direction!

The boy is sent away by his sister (Sydney Sweeney) who also thanks the Paramedic.

While in the Mess Room, Cassandra gets Mail and she gets an invite to a baby shower, which she complains about, because family things confuse Cassandra.

Or tell them, you are a Medic and you can never have a break! It's that simple!...or would, if it wasn't Ben's Sister! 

After an Awkward Silence and even more Awkward Dialogue, Ben gives Cassandra her fortune cookie. She opens it to see half of it is smudged meaning it now reads "You Will..."

"You know what that means-I have no Future!"

As a Franchise? Yes!

As an Actress? Sadly Not!

Walking Home, there is the third Fated meeting, as her Neighbour (Isabella Merced) argues with the Building Super about rent. A Cat walks into Cassie's Window and she feeds it. She decides to look through a suitcase of all her Mother's notes and Photos of her expedition in 1973 with bitterness.

"Hope the Spiders were worth it, Mom!"

She Chose to Die to give you a chance to live! GO TO HELL!

The Next Day we are back on the beat with a 3 car pile up. Cassie helps a man escape a upturned car on a bridge to freedom, only for the car to trip over and the car door to close, lock and the vehicle to fall into the Hudson River.

When Cassie wakes she's not entirely in the water, but in an in-between State in the middle of Dreams and The Waking World.

Hey Cassie, if you see a man with a long nose and a Woman in A Blue Dress, ask them when is Persona 6-I want to do Tarotober Series 2 Already!

No she is in the Web Of Life, the Source of power for all Spider people. It was only mentioned in Spiderverse in passing....and that film didn't suck because of it!

One of the Worse things Modern Marvel has Done was tie every Mutant or mutated Character to the Eternals, meaning every power is actually tied to a Bunch of Prehistoric Alien Ass-holes who Gene Spliced us as Monkeys and got off on Playing God!

So being bitten by a Nuclear Spider isn't enough, no, it has to be willed by a long Forgotten Alien God!

So suffice to say, Adding magic to Spiderman 20 years ago was a Bad move. 

Twenty years ago Spiderman was nearly ruined thanks to The Controversial Comic, One More Day, Where Peter Parker sells his Marriage to the Freaking Devil to save Aunt May. 

And The Comic

Has Never Recovered!

So as she has a vision of Obscure and random things, A Popped Balloon, Cassandra covered in blood, Fireworks, a Giant Letter S.  Look, this film is brought to you by the letter S..FOR SUCK!

She is regains her consciousness when Ben Performs CPR, In a bit of Foreshadowing,  Cassandra's eyes are ultra Sensitive to light and her pre-emptive powers are activating, though for now it just looks like she's experiencing Deja Vu.

Then we Cut to a Concert hall where at the Opera, Tahar Rahim stalks and Seduces Mature Dowagers. In his Jungle man Fe***h Bedroom where Mutated Spiders run freely, He has a dream where in the future, he is killed by Sweeney,  O'Connor and Merced in Spider-Person Costumes, O'Connor has Spider legs Growing out her back, Merced maybe is Silk and Sweeney looks like she was just hired to fill up a costume. 

So apparently, he's being having the same dream of these women k*lling him, which he thinks is a Vision, so he chooses this situation to Info Dump To this woman he just picked up. After he spent the night dumping his...I'LL  STOP!

But he seduced this woman Not For Monetary Gain. He is no Gig**o, he Targeted this Federal Agent so he can steal Facial Recognition Technology to k*ll them before they do, she does reaches for her gun but tenses up when he throttles her, Turns out he has Spider Powers too, in Venomous Touch. He'll let her live if she gives him her clearance code. And he still let's her die-Because he's EEEEEEVILLLL!

Cassandra folds and she goes to the work cookout, which is also the baby shower. Cassandra is led inside and doesn't understand she's been Roped into busy work and games. 

"BEEP BOOP! What is this human thing called "Bonding?""

The expectant mother, Mary, exposits her husband just may be our villain. Cassie is Roped in some game about advice their mothers' gave then, rather than opt out, Cassandra instead supplies a blank piece of paper and she awkwardly laughs through an explanation of not growing up with a Mother. Well that's one way to get out of parties!

🎵 "Every Party/ Needs A Pooper/ That Is Why/ We Invited You/ PAR-TY POOOOOOPEERRR!"

So mother Web (Doesn't get a name) Died giving birth to Cassandra,  So she grew up resentful and weird!

When Predictions and Images from her Out of Body Experience starts to come true: a balloon pops and Ben tells Cassie there is an Emergency at a Fireworks Factory.  She predicts the death of Officer O'Neill during an Explosion, that will cover her in blood, but in a attempt to save O'Neill,  he Still Dies, Not by Explosion, but in a car accident, Still covering Cassie in blood.

Because we have to dial it back to mirror to the death of Uncle Ben. Something Spiderverse did better!

Would it too on the nose if this film's Ben would be the one to die? Yes.

Would there be more emotion if Ben, who we've seen more of be the one to die? Also Yes!

So Evil Rich-No name Man is playing with his Mutant Spider when a woman at a computer has set up the Stolen Federal Facial Recognition Programming, also using ID Kit programs of his descriptions, the Women's Faces are unmasked and aged down by 10 years. She is shocked he wants to murder Teenagers for something 10 years or so down the line. But he is paying her a lot of money,  he's gotten rich by Ill-gotten Gains, and he wants to Ill-Get some more!

So Cassie has put herself through hospital and Optometrist tells her That her Vision is okay!

The Character, who's Condition of her Vision, is a Spoiler, So much so it is her biggest Trait, the First thing anyone notices when they first see her, and you are telling her....Her Vision...is...okay?

"F**K YOU! F**K ALL OF YOU! GO F*CK YOURSELF, GO F**K YOURSELF FOREVER, YOU F**KS!"

She wants to know what is causing her to see and Feel this, but various Doctor's has done all they can. She suggests that Cassie takes A week off and if she feels this way, the doctor will refer her to a Psych Ward.

We cut to her watching A Christmas Carol during the Summer.

...Ben calls Cassie's Phone, but it goes to answering Machine, he's been trying to invite her to O'Neill's Funeral, even though she feels guilty. She is still having Deja Vu, when she stops a Pigeon who flew into her Window and Died.

Convinced she couldn't change everything big, Cassie takes the train to Poughkeepsie to Attend the funeral, just as at the same time, Anya Coruzon (Merced), Julia Cornwall (Sweeney) and Martha Franklin (O'Connor) are also taking the same train. Mr No Name Evil Bad Guy-Guy is informed via earpiece by his employee. She finds it strange all 3 are here at once, as if something has, or will connect them.

A Train Accident, Predictions and Terrible acting-Are you sure this isn't A Final Destination Film? Cassie's Visions go insane and out of sequence, as the other future spiderwomen, don't arrive at the same time, only one at a time, meaning she sees each girl k*lled by Rich Asshole's Poison touch one at a time, she saves them by evacuating them from the train, only for him to spot her and tries to run after the train pulls away.

They want to know Cassandra pushed them off the train, and Conclude they fell for a Kidnapping plot. They get on a different train,  where Bad Guy-Guy! Kills the driver, they get off this train, where Cops try to Arrest Cassie for Kidnapping.

🎵Spider-Fraud, Spider-Fraud! Does everything, To an Extent!🎵

That's when they see a Black Rip-off Spiderman costume, crawling on the ceiling towards them, very slowly. Who takes out the police with poison touch (so you know he is), teleportation and Cloning powers. 

What Spider can do that?

And it seems only Our Heroes can see him and so can normal people seconds before it's too late. Cassie steals a cab and tells the girls to get in. Julia thanks Cassie, But she blows it off, as In she's only doing it solely to make the Visions  Stop.

OUR HERO EVERYBODY!

She asks the Girl's their names, Hoping maybe there is a Connection. But because Julia shouted "She's A Kidnapper!" And no one saw Spider-Fraud (That's his name now!) The police are after Cassie, not Bad Guy-Guy. Not helped by Cassie throwing Martha's phone out the car window so the police won't track them. 

Spider Fraud in his civilian form snarls at Employee (who also isn't good enough to a have a name). To use the Tools he Stole and use them Better, You useless Woman! That's when you know he won't be back for the Sequel. 

When you NO RESPECK WAMINS! 

Forced to camp and complain to each other, Julia Finally recognized Cassie as the Paramedic who saved her Stepmother, Anya recognized the "Weirdo who doesn't pick up her junk mail and makes it the building's problem!" Martha claims she never met, only for Cassie to tell her she flip her off. "BUT I FLIP EVERYONE OFF!"

So Cassie come out and says it

ROLL THE CLIP!

This causes Martha to snort laugh though how many times has Marvel Villains Invaded New York, so how could you not belie-NO WAIT, THOSE THINGS ONLY HAPPENED IN THE DISNEY MARVEL UNIVERSE, The Worst that has happened was a few streets bombed by the Green Goblin. So she leaves them in the woods for 3 hours to check something when Julia says "Spider-Person"

Cassie returns home to look at her mother's notes on the La Aranqa Tribe, thinking Spider Fraud is either A tribesman, or someone connected to Web via Oscorp. She tries to climb a wall like an idiot, but reads they also have an innate sixth sense, she finds a photo of her mother and her Murderer Ezekiel Samson and gets a feeling that the man chasing her is connected somehow. 

Back in the Forest, The Teenagers argue amongst themselves, Anya Being Poor Resents Martha being rich, only for Martha to say her parents are Rich A-Holes who don't give her the time of day, it's getting dark so they finally convince Julia to find the diner they past for some food. 

And to give all the Comic Fans PTSD, the music they chose for this moment is MIS-TEEQ'S Scandalous, which was famously the song in the Catwoman Movie's Infamous basketball scene with 100 different Cuts.

By the way, the Teenagers don't have their powers yet. Does that mean a Spider is going to burp in their mouths?

So they get to the diner and Martha has money, but she's a Rebel without A Clue, so she orders more food than they need. However she sees something that will pay their tab, a group of teenage boys, Martha's plan is use her and Julia's looks to scam money and attention from these hormones! We are supposed to believe Sydney Sweeney is a Cloddish Girl, When in truth she looks like a Schoolgirl in a P**n video.  Meanwhile as all this is going on, the Kidnapping made the newspapers and a trucker recognizes the girls so he drops a dime. Just as Employee tracks the call to confirm they are in Church Hill New Jersey. She patches Spider Fraud into the police frequently to misdirect the police from turning up so he can k*ll.

So when Cassie comes back she sees footprints to the diner, where she finds the teens table dancing for the boys to pay their tab, that's when Spider Fraud comes in just as the radio Station plays Toxic by Britney Speers. In what is the most stupid use of a vision,  she plans to use the length of the of most repetitive song ever made to determine when Spider-Fraud would k*ll Martha.  But the cab radio cuts out so instead she drives into The window to knock down Spider Fraud. Makes it Easy! But he Grabs her wrist, a Musical Thrill Rings out to Denote this is important Foreshadowing!

In the cab, An Angry (I guess) Cassandra reads them the Riot Act, all the while The poison in her wrist starts it's Nasty work. 

Aria (So she does have a name!) Tells Spider Fraud she found Cassandra Web's Details. This causes Spider-Fraud to say "Did you say "Web" but That's impossible!"

"WHAT'S IMPOSSIBLE? TELL US! WE ARE IN ONE HOUR INTO YOUR TWO HOUR FILM,  AND YOU HAVEN'T EVEN TOLD THE AUDIENCE YOUR NAME!

also, they finally give Cassandra's mother's given name as Constance!

Breaking into a motel, Cassandra Promises to Bring them back home to their parents. Turns out Julia was at the Train station that day to run away, her mother is in a psych ward and her stepfamily doesn't want her. Martha reckons that since her parents didn't come back from Beijing to even pay Cassie a Ransom for her, that she is in the same boat. Anya shoots down Cassie's backup plan to call the Police, as her single father was deported, and she couldn't pay rent, because she can't. "Until I'm 18, I don't exist!" So going to the police is also out of the question!

So after all that, as the girls are asleep, Cassandra does a midnight Flit. Kicking the can down the road I see!

But It's actually to investigate The Diner, which is now a Crime Scene. And what happens next is...In question. Either Ezekiel Samson is there. Or the Spiderfraud form is teleporting him back and forth as both forms, or the poison is psychically linking her to Samson (Or is it Simmons?), who hasn't aged in 30 Years -But will age in 10 more?-But she learns who he is, Why he is and what's his damage-He really Does Say "I CAN DO ANYTHING, BECAUSE I'M A MAN!" And he won't have her underestimating him like her mother did!

She wakes back at the hotel So with him Providing info in the future that now doesn't happen, the next morning, Cassandra teaches something that will Counteract the poison touch, CPR. Not sure how effective it is when I know the end result to what will happen to Cassie, but whatever-Training montage! She shows the girls the photo of her mother and the man who claims to be Ezekiel Samson, she doesn't have enough information, so she has to leave them, and the country. So while she's in Peru, she leaves them with Ben, however Ben is looking after Mary-You know, the pregnant woman, whose husband is some kind of globetrotting businessman?

So Cassie Backpacks to Peru guided only by Photos and Gut Feelings. She meets the shaman who held her in Birth, Now a Fashionable Metrosexual, Middle-aged man, You know I was hoping for a costume that was a bit more on the mystical or cultural side than this.

So since we are in chapter 13 of a 16-chapter film, the Shaman is here as our lore Dump character. Ezekiel Samson stole the sacred Spiders and while it gave him powers, he was also cursed to die in a preordained Fashion, But to help the girls get their powers, Cassie must unlock all of hers, so the shaman pushes Cassie's soul out of her body and into the Web of Life in the sacred pool

In her final moments Constance actually apologized to her unborn daughter, but we go further back to why Constance was in Peru in the first place. We are in a doctor's office when the doctor tells Constance the baby will be born with a Degenerative Muscular Dystrophy condition (and I suppose The poison touch has accelerated it, because Spider Venom can do everything, I guess!) and Constance wants to use the Spiders to cure it. The Doctor tells her Not to travel in her condition, but she won't condemn her daughter to a live of helplessness.

Feels Kind of Iffy that the Orphanage wasn't Told of this to tell her when she came of age, But sadly this is truth in Television, Foster Charities and Organizations Struggle.

All this time She was Resentful for Nothing, and if Dakota Johnson Could feign Sadness, she could cry. We can settle for The Memory Of Constance becoming aware and giving her a hug.

And that Hug causes her to be one with The Force, as the Shaman explains in due time, the Web of Life will evolve from just seeing the Future to what Madame Web currently is in the comics, Omnipotent and Omnipresent, but only if she accepts responsibility for her actions. For When you Accept Responsibility Great Power will come!

Back in New York In Mary's House, with Ben and the Girls, Mary's water has Broke four weeks too early!

So they bundle into a car, and despite being careful, Martha's face gets scanned by a camera after Ben swerves to avoid a Garbage Truck from crashing into them. Cassandra returns (Despite Being An 8 Hour plane journey from Peru to New York) she looks in Mary's house and has a vision of what happened and what will.

Remember I speculated that Mary's Husband Richard was Ezekiel under an assumed name? Well forget that, as in the vision, Ezekiel k*lls her and everyone else in the car with a Grenade, so that's what I get for thinking. Cassie seeing an ambulance next door, steals it for a Big Car Chase, Ezekiel orders Aria to switch traffic lights to cause mayhem. He is about to throw his grenade, until Cassandra crashes through some Product placement to run over Spider-Fraud, she bundles the girls, knowing Samson is too one-track minded, he won't hurt anyone If they are not with them. 

Swerving through New York traffic with Spider-Fraud on their tail, Cassie tells Anya to use the defibrillator to see a shocking trap when Samson lands on the roof, he falls into a car, buying the girls some time.

But uh oh, Spaghetti O's, the Gas is Empty,  But Cassie had a Vision involving the fireworks factory and a Helicopter. She calls dispatch for Aerial assistance and she gets it, not have Dispatch say "Hey I know that Voice-You're that CRAZY KIDNAPPER B***H WHO GAVE US PARAMEDICS A BAD NAME!" No, Nothing like that! Not anything that would make sense!

Handing the Girls flares, she wants them to purposely start a fire to slow down Samson and give the Helicopter a reason to land and rescue them they head upstairs to a Big egregious Pepsi sign-Let's keep Peddling that Pepsi!

Look, there's Seeing the Future and then there's Plot Armour, as Cassie pulls put a piece of Shrapnel that she dodged out of a wall at the last minute then uses said to deflect rockets like she's Captain FREAKING AMERICA!

So let's finish this.

You're probably wondering what's the deal with Big S that was in Cassandra's vision, well it's the S of the big in the Pepsi sign, Samson blows up the helicopter by deflecting a rocket with an uppercut Samson puts all the girls in danger and confronts Cassie. She pulls off his mask, and he mocks her, saying she can't save all three, that's when she taps into the Web of Life and Oh my God there's 4 of them now!

But it leaves Cassie's Physical Body open to a gut punch, on the railing right behind the Blatant ad campaign, Cassie goads the Chauvinist Chud to gloat long enough for his section of the bridge to fall apart and to be Pulverized Promptly by Pathetic Product Placement. 

I have a feeling Spider-Chud won't be Returning in Avengers: Doomsday!

Cassie Is also Thrown by the Explosion, but into the Hudson, she is distracted by the Giant S Floating in front of her, looking long enough for a stray Firework to explode in her face. The girls' bring her to the surface, But Cassie is not breathing. Fortunately this is why Cassie trained them in CPR for something like this! And so it ends Bittersweetly, Cassie lives but is permanently blind and will lose the ability to move her limbs in due time, Ben is an uncle to Mary's son and so we skip to some time later, Cassie now Confined to a wheelchair in her apartment the girls now do errands for her, they ask Cassie if her vision is any better, she says her's has never being clearer, as she sees a their future with them fighting crime with costumes and Powers that didn't even turn up and they were probably expecting a Sequel to be a Sure thing. Good luck with that because...

THIS FILM SUCKS!

Newsflash, But in a Post called "Worst of 2025"  this one takes the whole Biscuit tin! The script is Cringe, the Direction is Misguided, the Pepsi-Peddling is so bad, I can see the film having minutes edited out of it when they will show it on British TV. The supporting cast are doing their hardest, but between Johnson's flat voice and unlikable personality and Tahar Rahim's one note drive of "MONEY GOOD! POWER GOOD! WOMEN BAD! GRRRR!" It was never going to be enjoyable, maybe as a source of reviews and memes, but that's the last thing Studios want their products to be!

Next Month on Bogger Box office, In place of the poll this month, I instead will review one of the options. As next month we learn that whatever you do, when you return home, Crap Happens!

CREDITS 

Madame Web was Reviewed Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham 

With Media from:

Madame Web

MST3K 

Captain America (1990)

eSURANCE 

Spiderman Comics 

Merlin Fish Reacts to The Fine Brothers

Bad Movie Beatdown

Dragonball Movie: Bardock and Dragonball Z Abridged 

Doctor Who 

Bubsy-The Animated Series. 

All rights reserved. All Media used belong to their respective owners. 

Madame Web is a character who is property of Marvel Comics and Disney. And this Movie also named Madame Web is produced by Columbia Pictures and Distributed by Sony.