TICKET TO HELL 2026: RED NOTICE PART 2

 THE FOLLOWING IS A CONTINUED REVIEW OF A 12 RATED FILM-WHICH CONTAINS INNUENDO AND CENSORED LANGUAGE AND IS INTENDED FOR AN ADULT AUDIENCE

We start Part 2 back in Rome 32 hours after the retrieval of the Golden Egg, Agent John Hartley (Dwayne Johnson) is to leave for America when Officer Das (Ritu Arya) Comes in with the False Golden Egg and smashes it on the bar floor they were in. They have being had-AGAIN!

That's when we get the kicker-Das had only met Agent John Hartley this week, and...

"I WENT TO QUANTICO, AND NOONE EVER HEARD OF YOU, SLIME!"

However they did find a Swiss bank Account in his name and 3 million lodged 32 hours ago. FBI Has to deal with Hartley as if he was a second player who wanted his competition rubbed out, and now John Hartley is arrested and literally sent to a Russian Gulag.

"IN RUSSIA, SELF-SERVING BOOKING OF A WRESTLEMANIA RUINS YOU!"

Shoved into a Cell, He hears a familiar voice asking him if he's a Top or a Bottom and "He's Not exactly talking about bunk beds!"

Oh Ryan Reynolds, Your Deadpool is Showing!

So we are under the Assumption that Hartley is who he says he is and is being framed by "The Bishop" so Both him and Booth are out of Her way-Wait, so you are a Shady Criminal Mastermind no one has ever seen, but you used your real voice in direct communication-That's kind of Stupid!

So Nolan says he was working for an Egyptian  Crime Boss who demands all 3 of Cleopatra's Eggs in his possession before the wedding of his daughter, Who is also named Cleopatra-He probably sees the Eggs as a Divine right to a more political power.

But the Second Egg is not going to be as easy as a Museum Heist, the second Egg is in the possession of A Spanish Arms Dealer called Sotto Voce, who has a penchant for choking his enemies to death, but Voce has a Fun side; Every year Voce throws a masquerade "Definitely-Not-A-Reason-For-Gal-Gadot-To-Show-Some-Skin-In-A-PG-13-Film!" Ball In his Villa in Valencia.

And Booth would be Stealing the Hell out of it! If Hartley Is Really A Cop, Hartley Reminds them they are in a prison canteen with other inmates, So Booth stands and loudly exclaims "THIS MAN IS NOT  A COP! (WINK!)" or just as good!

A Prisoner Starts a Fight with Hartley, But the Agent Refuse to Fight, Since Rocky's off the Juice Now, His muscles are for show!

The 2 Americans are brought by guards to the Prison Captain in a church, and Loh and Behold, It's "The Bishop" (Gal Gadot)

So She was the Mastermind in all this, she ruined an Agent's whole life and career, just so 3 people who hate each other team up to steal an Egg from Another Piece Of S**t?

And Booth knows where the 3rd Egg is, but he's keeping that info to himself, and Hartley is too much of a boy scout to break the law. So with their Refusal of the offer, Bishop decides that maybe some Hard Labour will make them change their tune.

So it's the day of Chekov's Labour, where the 2 yanks (okay, Nolan is supposedly Swiss, but you can't tell with how small Reynolds' vocal range is) are filling holes In the prison walls-Holes big enough for 2 men to fall through, but somehow Booth says later, he wants a shower and a good night sleep.

They try to redeem themselves with Booth's Backstory-As A Child he was accused of stealing his father's watch and for a year he didn't speak to Nolan, so when the Watch was found as his work, his father didn't apologise, so when Nolan gave his father a taste of his own medicine and refused to speak to him,  he put Nolan in a Boarding school for "Acting Up!"

Hartley pretends to sleep, as Booth tells his Totally original Backstory that is definitely not The Riddler's Copied Homework, but it's a joke! He apologizes, but that trauma has warped Booth into what he is. He asks John the same question-Which Hartley doesn't answer as he doesn't like to talk about HIM!

FORESHADOWING!

It turns out Booth wasn't being a Lazy Sod, he was casing the Prison for things he needed to make their escape, using Nitric Acid Floor cleaner with Glycerin soap to make nitroglycerin in a washing machine. Sure, It still ends with them jumping out the big hole, but it gets the job done!

Stealing a Combat Helicopter, it looks like Booth is going to leave Hartley, until he jumps on board,  and good thing too, because he uses the helicopter's swing doors to avoid The RPG From killing them, and I guess the Jet trail of the Rocket doesn't cause Smoke Inhalation damage or starts a fire in it's area of effect- Aren't we Lucky?

We cut to London, where Bishop has kidnapped a MI5 Officer and treats the bound man like a therapist-THE POOR  B*****D HAS TO LISTEN TO GAL'S VOICE, THAT MUST BE A CRIME AGAINST THE GENEVA CONVENTIONS!

So the Bishop is here is use Not-Simon Pegg's computer to Delete the Source of the Message Das Received. But Not-Pegg is clever enough to hit a Silent Alarm, when She is sending a message to Das for her to arrive at Soto Voce's party in Spain. A Single Cop walks into the office and Bishop beats his ass like a Jobber. She ends the scene threatening the lives of his family and friends...and to publish his browser history!

We cut to an Airfield somewhere (What no caption this time?) when a commercial plane lands to collect Hartley and Booth. The pilot, A black man with a heavy African accent called Tambwe (Tam-Way!) Comes to the greet them, the Human Trafficker is not impressed that a federal agent is working with Booth ("No Juiceboxes For You!" ACTUAL GODDAM QUOTE!)

Bound for Spain, Nolan Break down his plan-Despite the Villa Being heavily guarded there is one Flaw, people still using facial and voice recognition technology in a world with deep fake Technology!

"Seriously, you could use this in real life to commit crime, but people are too busy using it for P**n!'

But there is also one problem-the second piece of security is a RNG pin that changes every six minutes, that is unlocked via Sotto's phone in his trousers at all times- So 3 guesses how the Bishop plans to take the phone! They also need his thumbprint to open the phone in the first place, So why didn't they lead with that?

WE GO TO VALENCIA, AT A DOLCE AND GABANA AD, ALREADY IN PROGRESS! Hell, they even have 1 percenters in Masks and sports cars, as Epoch by Gotan Project plays out!

As all parties are here in disguise, but here comes the Bishop in a Main character Energy Dress. Hartley goes to settle the score, breaking up the plan.

Hartley falls for Bishop's Provocations, trying to get information from each other in a ballroom scene -You will never be Bond, Rocky,  but Being a Bond girl is career Suicide, so Gal...go right ahead!

Hartley says the Bishop must have a Partner too, or at the very least is playing other agents. But Bishop points out, Hartley has no gun, no badge, and just had his career Control+X'd out of existence. Is he really going to arrest a wanted Fugitive in a room full of fugitives?

All the while, Disguised as a Server, Nolan at least got Voce's fingerprints. That's when he comes over to Bishop and Hartley. 

"Seeing you Dance with this man got my attention and has made me jealous"

"Every Bit of that Dance scene was filmed With you directly centre to keep my attention...

....Like that crap Disney Alien Film that was nominated at the Oscars, but was never going to win!"

So naturally Bishop is going to literally Charm the pants off Sotto and phone in there too! 

END OF PART 2!

(And now the Continuation of Ticket To Hell.)

The two deaths of E.THE FINAL CHAPTER PART TWO.

Chesed VS Herr Doctor 

EAMONN'S DIALOGUE IN BLACK

JOE-JACK'S DIALOGUE IN BLUE

SATANIC OSTRICH'S DIALOGUE IN RED

YUSEF'S DIALOGUE IN AQUA

COSMIC ENTITIES DIALOGUE IN GREEN 

EIGHTIES LAD DIALOGUE IN ORANGE

SABARU DIALOGUE IN GOLD

CHESED'S DIALOGUE IN PINK, UNDERLINED AND EMBOLDENED

HERR DOCTORS IN PALE GREEN. 

(In a shocking show of power, The Transformed Chesed, went from Malfunctioning Relic, to Cyborg Lifeform. Chesed, named after the Hebrew word for Kindness, had defaulted to her base programming, and after injecting herself  with some of Sabaru's Demon blood, used its Transformative power to Illicit a Rebirth. With this new power, the new God, would "Gift" Humanity fighting over resources and terrorities. With a Second Earth pulled from somewhere. 

Satanic Ostrich was recalled to Hell. They felt something was wrong, more than what just was happening in space. They looked over the Hellscape, and sure Enough, there was more sinners in his Hell, no doubt from this Earth. 

QUERIES SON PERSONAS?

We have a problem!

Worse than this?

Just as Bad! There are more Souls in Hell, I think if that Earth comes any closer we will not only have to deal with being crushed but also the fabric of time rewriting us in a Grandfather Clause.

And it's just gotten mondo Worse!

How?

News Sites are going Ham! America claiming Any oil reserves on Other Earth. The Kremlim are also claiming resources. Palestine wants to claim some land as their own, and Israel is threatening violence against them. More news bulletins breaking in. Seems like everyone and it's momma wants a piece of that Pie!

My Gift to you, Humanity! An End to all your pointless wars, no more Strife, no more hunger, no more Pestilence. 

Excuse me?

Ah yes, Herr Doctor. You are no longer a part of the plan. In fact in my Kinder Reality, nothing that causes immature death will be permitted to exist. Humanity will live as long as they should, free from the worries of fatality and want.

So yous want us to be nuttin' more dan fat pets pampered and relyin' soley on ya? And wot abou' da peep-pole on dat otha Earf? I bet they iz scared of wot's abou t'happen?

....

Go back a minute. Go back to Ze Fact that You  think me useless. If you need a demonstration of mein skills, by all means. After all, you are no longer bound to your canister. No more Weapons. And you are in a body that you have just acquired, and yet you not have fully understand it's strengths and limitations. VOT ARE GOING TO DO TO ME, ESSENCE OF KINDENESS,  CUDDLE ME TO DEATH?

Herr Doctor raised his arms. The tubes leading to the Plague Doctor's Canister of gas hissed and jostled on his back. He didn't move.  He didn't have to. He could just used let the gas do all the work. After all, he was a Minor Cosmic Entity,  one created to mark the passage of time. And what better for that cause than a big blow out disease every couple of years? Is that in bad taste five years on from Covid? To another human, yes, but not to Pestilence. To be Angry with him would be like telling the Sun not to rise and the Tide not to ebb and flow.

In fact he had this fight in the bag. Chesed was now a Living Being. A whiff of gas and she would be begging for her life. As he watched his cloud descend onto Chesed who made no movement at this point. He thought he had won. 

When the Cloud disappated, his eyes bulged behind his googles when he saw a Dome of wings, covering her body. 

Was Est Das? Nien!

The Wings opened back behind Chesed as she straightened up from her being on one knee to make herself low.

Pitiful. 

You asked me what I'm going to do to you? You joked to hide the fear. That I will hug you to death. You forget that I am an Appraiser of Will. My Siblings and I had hired you to be our bounty Hunter. 

But now, I'm not to sure.

I think it's time for an Evaluation. 

NIEN! PLEASE! NO! LADY CHESED! NOT YOU! YOU USE TO BE SO WARM UNT GENTLE! YOU CAN'T DO THIS! AN APPRAISAL ON ONE OF YOUR KIND?

Sorry Pestilence. You are not needed as your currently are. 

(Chesed emitted a pulse of energy which caught everyone. With a fearful jerk of their wrists, the myriad Cosmic Entities Created a barrier to protect every other person with, as seemed like the world came undone before them. Leaving Chesed and Herr Doctor standing in the Grey Area?

Holy Domain Expansion, Batman!

Wot is gonna happen to Bird-mask?

Is he gonna die?

iF hE iS nOT cAREFUL!

Appraisal Technique: Tribunal of The Sephiroth! 

With a Rumble, a Judge's Pulpit grew around Chesed, overshadowing Herr Doctor by 10 feet. 

Let the Appraisal Begin. 

(With the bang of a gavel, the world exploded with a Big bang. Herr Doctor was pulled into the event horizon to see the full expanse of Medical science history.  It was torture! It was the last thing Pestilence wanted to see, was a world that slowly didn't need him, and wouldn't be sad if he just stopped being. it was enough to draw the Will to live out of him.

The world reconstituted itself back into Ireland. The Doctor stood, stirred by having his soul put the ringer like it did.

After your assessment, Herr Doctor I find you..

(BANG!)

A shot blasted the gas canister on Herr Doctor's back. The gas flowed out of the small bullet wound, and caused the Doctor to deflate like a balloon that had being popped.

As he crumbed, behind him holding and aiming a six shooter, was the Outlaw skeleton Puppet who claimed to be Death. He pocketed his pistol into the holster.

Sorry Doc, I know you won't take this personally.  But I just couldn't see you suffer.

Death turned to our heroes. 

And don't take this The wrong way. I'm not joining your posse to avenge my friend. He'll be back when you fix this mess. Oh and Satan. You're right. I ain't Death, but I have no obligation to you in tellin' you who I am til I feel like. And unless you want want a quick funeral, you'll let me leave.

And they did. They watched the Cowboy themed Puppet based on Eamonn's earliest memories of Death, walk away literally into the sunset. And with it, more questions than answers still lingered.

But whatever The Outlaw truly was, it was a threat to be dealt with another time. But with the second Earth coming to crush this one, will there even be an "Another Time"?

To be finished next Monday. 

TICKET TO HELL 2026-RED NOTICE (AKA THE GOLDEN EGG FILM!) PART 1

( Ticket To Hell. The Two deaths of E.THE FINAL CHAPTER 

PART ONE, Births and Funerals.

to recap, our hero, A fictionized version of myself, was kidnaped by two bounty Hunters, one a German Plague Doctor and the other, a creature who took the form of a memory of something that frightened Eamonn as a child and claimed to be death. 

The ones who issued the bounty were Automatons called the Appraiser of Will, Creatures who are Equal to The Many Cosmic Entities we have seen before, but rather than those who play with the Souls of men like a Game, or mark the passage of time with Holidays, These Appraisers of Will, are Both Curators and Relics of their Realm of The Grey Area, the place concepts, ideas and even whole living beings, are taken to be Appraised. To be tested if their will to live is to be extended or left to run out. For a year, as one of the last few text reviewers, Eamonn is subject to humiliation and ridicule by Higher Alien beings.

Until one day doing his reviews, he stumbled on an Evolved power, Similar to The Devil's Dvd that Spurned the Story Starting all those years ago. He found freedom once again by reevaluating his powers, if bad films are no longer bound to physical items, he too must be digital, with the guidance of a mysterious voice, Our hero took power from this realm, and Cloaked in new 8-bit armour, he Became the Pilgrim of The Digital Frontier.

In our world, With Eamonn taken to the Grey Area, His disappearance was treated like a cover-up. Everyone who knew him, acted like he never existed, only by a series of mishaps that could be thwarted by Eamonn's Existence and some Cajoling by Ostrich, did Joe-Jack and the Visiting Cosmic Entities Remember Eamonn. Though the Return of Yusef, Joe-Jack's Counterpart from Earth-3 and the revenge of Sabaru and Eighties Lad when they returned from their Pocket Dimensional prison. 

After a skirmish, The heroes convinced the villians and Vigilante to a temporary truce for their own ends. Jusef to return home and Edwin and Sabaru who were convinced they had a given right to kill Eamonn to satisfy their revenge! With The Cosmic Entities powers they got to the Grey Area.  However, the Human members soon Succumbed to the Overwhelming Sense of Depression the Realm for forgotten things produces. But their fought through when they remembered their purposes. 

While they arrived to break Eamonn out, the Cosmic Entities, revealed there was more afoot with the Appraisers of Will. 

One of them Had Malfunctioned and is a Traitor. According to the Entities, one of them had reverted to its base emotions, rather than performing tasks properly. It was Chesed, the Being of Kindess, Eamonn's Ally into escape, who shocked everyone when she of all Creatures had hidden on her Model. What is Chesed's Endgame and surely what real harm can Kindess do to the world?

Chapter 2 will be after the Review section

AND FOR NOW,  BACK TO OUR SCHEDULED REVIEW!)

November the 21st 2021 (or November the 22nd If you were in Europe!)

WWE had it's Annual Survivor Series Pay-per-view in the Barclay's Centre in Brooklyn, New York.

As One of WWE'S "Big Five" Events, Survivor Series is an Important date on the Wrestling sphere's calendar.

But the 2021 edition was a day of greater Import.

25 years ago on this Night, "The Rock" would debut.

And the Rock Celebrated this fact....By Not turning up!

However, WWE Didn't just settle for showing clips of the Rock to pad the show, WWE would kill two birds with one Stone-Acknowledge the Milestone, while Providing Promotional consideration for Rock's new film at the time-Red Notice

So what happened Next Blew all the matches out of the water-This was so Bad, this segment is the only thing people remember. The Only thing they Remember is Vince McMahon's Limo and him greeted by a sea of Jobbers who heard him proclaim that The Rock gave him The Golden Egg From the Movie!

"AND EVERYONE HATED THAT!"

With his Advanced Age, his tired ideas and his sins Catching up with him, from 2022 to the year he was ousted 2024, Any stupid Idea and decision was Blamed on the Golden Egg Era!

Having a hate-boner for Muslims? Golden Egg!

Making Corpse-Poker a Champion? Golden Egg!

Firing 60 British Talents and treating their Contracts And Lives like a Tax Deductible? Golden Egg!

But why do we remember This Badly and not be Angry with other Wrestling Promotional Consideration?

Dave Bautista around at the same time, was in Army of the Dead and he didn't turn up on WWE either, instead WWE Promoted the film with a tag match where all the lumberjacks (Extras to ensure noone escapes the ring!) were Las Vegas-themed Zombies....

Including Zombie Elvis! (as the Premise of the film was a Bank raid in a zombie infected Vegas-It's terrible-So terrible I don't need to review it!)

But why do people Hate the Red Notice Promotion and not remember the Army of the Dead promotion?

well that's simple!

Batista is NOT The Rock!

On paper, Dwayne Johnson and Dave Bautista have comparable careers-Both have Headlined Wrestlemania, both have being world champions, Both have won the Royal Rumble and both went to Hollywood before retiring for good!

However the Rock is a bigger star, his era of wrestling was the hottest era with the WWF in a 3 company war for the hearts and minds of a whole generation.

Batista was from the Era straight after, while Wrestling didn't cool down quickly, It was the era where WWE was starting to monopolize the sport, TNA Was ran by a complete idiot, Ring of Honour would have it's stars go to WWE, and every so often Uncle Dave Melty-Head would get a tingle in his loins about some Untelevised Match in the Tokyo Dome!

But Did WWE's terrible promotion kill this franchise-Or has Red Notice done enough by itself?

Well let's finally check out this exhibition on Red Notice, But to see the artifacts you need admission (UN)luckily you have a.....TICKET TO HELL!

THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 12 FOR VIOLENCE, INNUENDO, AND THREAT. THIS FILM IS INTENDED FOR AN ADULT AUDENCE, AND AS SUCH I WILL BE USING ADULT LANGUAGE, WHICH WILL BE CENSORED, DUE TO GOOGLE'S TERMS OF SERVICE!

Promotional art for this on Netflix is Rock The Dwayne, Gal Gadot and Ryan Reynolds posing, which is lame! 

We know this film is bad because it's formed from that Cradle of Evil since Time Immemorial-ANCIENT EGYPT!

"DIO'S THEME INTENSIFIES!"

As AI Nat Geo host Voice Drones on about the Abridged history of the love between Cleopatra and Mark Anthony, we go into the plot that the Roman general Gifted golden eggs to the female pharaoh, 2 were Found, 1 is on Display in Rome, the second has being auctioned Many times. Will we ever find the Lost third Egg?

That is up to whoever is working with scanning technology and Metalurgy to make a fake Golden Egg!

We get the title Drop and the Definition of what a Red Notice is-It's the highest level of arrest warrant issued by Interpol!

We cut to Rome, during a dramatic Car Chase, out of one car given a police escort is Johnson who is playing an Interpol agent who just arrived at a museum. 

Some British woman exposits that Johnson is Agent John Hartley, as museum staff even Doubt Hartley is a real Profiler. She continues that Hartley got word that the egg in the collection is to be stolen by one Nolan Booth, as informed by "The Bishop "-A Person the Curator says is nothing more than quote "A Boogeyman of the Art World, a Catch-All excuse, when Incompetent police can't find Thieves".

Using thermal cameras on the Egg at Display and Six class science, Gold Conducts Heat as well as electricity and Radiation, the thermal cameras shows the Egg is not white hot to yellow, But completely Blue on thermal cameras. In other words...

The Curator can't Believe he's being had, But when Agent Hartley finds a kid with a can of Coca-Cola. 

1) How Convenient to find an English speaker in Italy! 2) as Hartley said, Food and drink are not allowed in Museums, I've been to Statlely Homes that have been converted into Museums, and I can tell you that family would be thrown out and banned Verbally for not acknowledging the rules.

So Hartley Spills the Coke (All the while with logo facing the camera) and the Golden Egg Dissolves into Brown mush, all the while Nolan Booth (Reynolds) looks on as his crime is being foiled.

The agents call for the Viewing room to he sealed, just as Booth makes a run for it! Sorry Rocky, your athletic prowess is no match for Reynolds' Whippet like legs and being wirey enough to fit through door frames, as Hartley is now Stuck. A smoke bomb thrown by Booth only makes things worse,  Reynolds' Stunt double LE PARKOUR'S to Safety dealing with Security Guards with one giving a Wilhelm Scream out for good measure. 

Hartley has Booth at Gunpoint, With Booth stalling for time, The British Agent, Das, comes in shouting at Booth to move, (Wait that can't be right!) So The Thief smashes through a window like Father Jack and down a Conveniently placed Tube slide, with Hartley chasing him on the outside climbing across a ledge to an Equally Conveniently Placed Ladder. 

Speaking of Conveniently Placed, when Nolan steals a scooter, THERE JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE a Gala of some sort with some Well-To-Do Couple getting Paparazzied on front of a Ferrari, which Hartley steals. We get five seconds of Sabotage by the Beasty Boys, before the Ferrari is totaled by a Hippy Van!

Silly Rock The Dwayne! This isn't Fast and The Furious 28! Nolan gets away!

We cut to Bali, Indonesia 56 hours later-Thanks to a Caption. Nolan is on a speedboat sailing towards a beach resort, Where Booth enjoys his ill gotten gains, only for Hartley's Voice to echo behind him! And while he's out of his Jurisdiction,  He can inform local police, as a swat team, storm in and surrounding Booth. 

Booth is a complete idiot of a Thief, Proudly Displaying the things he has Stolen.

WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS? THE BRITISH MUSEUM?

Hartley Psychoanalyses Booth and Claims he commits crimes because his father never loved him.

Oh Yes!

The Elon Musk Syndrome!

Realizing "The Bishop" Betrayed him, Booth is arrested for his crimes. The Golden egg is put on a Separate Van from Booth, under the suggestion of Agent Das. And sure Enough the Egg is given to A swat member who is clearly a Shapely Caucasian Women even if most of her body besides Her eyes and hands are covered. 

AND WOULDN'T YOU KNOW WHO WON THE PONY, BUT THE ONLY SIX FOOT CAUCASIAN WOMEN SWAT OFFICER IN ALL OF INDONESIA WAS GAL GADOT?

PART 2 WILL BE RELEASED NEXT WEEK!

(Eamonn's Dialogue and review in Black)

Joe-Jack's Dialogue in blue

Edwin/Eighties Lad's Dialogue in Orange

Saburu's Dialogue in Gold

The Cosmic Entities Dialogue's in Green

Yusef's Dialogue in Aqua

Chesed's Dialogue in Pink, Bolded and Underlined as to denote a sense of authority!

The 2 Deaths of E.THE FINAL CHAPTER 

Part 2. How Dangerous can Kindness Be? You'd be surprised.

To say the others we surprised by Joe-Jack's accusation, was an understatement. But as he explained that the Entities or "Da God Babbies" as he called them said the Malfunctioning Traitor was a "she" and since Binah, the other female voice tried to convince Chesed not to do whatever she planned to do.

She made an indignant noise. Then another. Then Another, soon she was repeating the same recording of the noise until it developed into a crazy laugh. Like one of Countess laughs. 

Bra(ehehe) vo! You Finally (Hehe) got it! Actually. Flip it. Reserve it. You got what I wanted. 

Before they could react, A Hidden grappling hook attached onto Sabaru. The limbs connecting point opened like a flower, and a pestil like Syringe drew blood, and as quick it fired, it retracted back to Chesed. 

"The power you have, to Create Life, not only because you are an organic Female, but your species' quirk to warp organic matter into your Minions under your sway. One fills me with Jealousy,  and the other Disgusts me."

The blood Bonded with the Embalming fluid that sustained the umbilical cord that is Chesed's true form. But the new mixture started to boil in the canister. She cried out in pain, but it was hard to feel sad for her when she then screamed in wild excitement. The cord turned into a few ova with was fertilized in the liquid, which was now an artificial womb. Even the inorganic parts were being transformed.  With her scream reaching its highest note. A light enveloped the pod, when the area illuminating light died down the pod was still glowing, but it was no longer a cylindrical machine, but something that warped into something humanoid. 

Glistening under a layer of residue fluid, after her Rebirth, Chesed picked up a smashed piece of her Glass Canister to peer at her new form. Taking a moment to admire her pink skin, and metallic golden pointed fingernails, she saw her new form. Brunette shoulder length curls that were topped with a flower garland, her hair framed her round soft features, a round face, a smooth chin, Full lips, dimpled checks and dangle earrings shaped like Astrolabes. In contrast to her warm, almost friendly face, was the coldest Harshest, Yellow-Brown eyes, hard and unfeeling like Quartz, where accented by false eyelashes which looked like Typebars for a typewriter. what started as a Sentient Umbilical cord, she was now a Curvy woman who looked like an adult, modestly dressed in a sari made of fleshy tentacles, of the same colour of dried blood, that contrasted with green accents of ivy bound on her bare footed legs.

But the transformation wasn't done yet. Sensing her Audience, she straightened up and bloody wings formed out of her shoulder blades and pointed down her back. 

It was Yusef who spoke first after a shrug and a sigh....

(Beat)

You know, the moment they start to transform and give themselves Iconography and a crown, they might as well, just put on a Sandwich board that says "Look at Me, I'm Evil!"

How very Cynical. I See you came from a World where your gods forsaken you. Do not judge me by their actions. Though I will forgive you for doubt all the same.

Oh very kind of you. However, it's Gods like you that made Worlds like mine. Gods who the fattened pigs of the Bloody Empire like to scream anthems that "God Saves" them. Like Empire and oppression is divine providence.

Sabaru turned to Eighties Lad, and got his attention

(Psssst, what's going on?)

(Long Story Short, Yusef is a Joe-Jack who comes from a world where the British Empire still rule) 

I see. Your Lack of Faith is due to Some of Humanity claiming the Expanse of God's Will to themselves and Themselves alone.

I will see what I can do.

With a squishy sound, the Flower above her forehead in her garland, turned into a third eye. Chesed was being transmitted news feeds her mind filled with images of starvation. With Protests and the Smug smiles and venomous words of Leaders less Self-aware than she was.

So, I see. You are a Species who are suffering.

You are fighting over resources you don't have for everyone. 

You are missing the point, yes there is suffering in the world, but we have the solutions already. Its just that not everyone will listen. 

If there was a Solution, you would have used it. No. IF I PROVIDE WHAT HUMANITY NEEDS, MORE OF IT! WHEN IT IS NEEDED, THEN I CAN TRUELY BE THE TRUE EMBODIMENT OF KINDENESS!

(Chesed raised her arm over her head, the sky darkened as the ground shook, something had appeared in Space that scraped past the surface of Mars. 

Edwin pulled out the 3d shades which projected the Images of what was coming towards us.

Dude, This Chick is Psycho!

tHIS iS a pLAY tHAT iS a dANGEROUS GAMBIT!

Jaysus! Iz Dat...what oi Fink it iz?

"Yes! The thing Chesed has summoned to Earth...."

(Everyone stared at the wormhole that had its contents float towards our planet. It was a sphere as big as our planet. When the sun shone on it, the realized why it was this size.)

".....Is Another Earth!"

Eamonn reviews....Reptile?

It has not being my month since I saw you last!

My poll glitched on Twitter so it couldn't be interacted with, So by default Infinity Pool WAS going to be this next review.

Then when I booted up Netflix and typed in Infinity Pool last month, it had left the Subscription service. 

So instead I will review the first film that shows up if you type in that title into Netflix's search-Reptile.

Made in 2023, Reptile is a Murder Mystery where a Grizzled Detective must uncover through a sea of Shady characters to track down a Gruesome Murderer. 

So again, I am going in blind, So Every Surprise is going to be Genuine.

So Without Further Ado, Let's Dig into Reptile. 

The Film has two artworks, and neither of them are any good. First is just Justin Timberlake, Alicia Silverstone and Benicio Del Toro with Dull Surprise faces on a Snakeskin filter. 

The second one is slightly better. 3 bloody claw marks each with a eye catch of the above actors' faces. Better than just the actors' faces, but it does look like a reaction shot in a manga!

THE FOLLOWING POST IS OF A FILM RATED 15 FOR BLOOD, MURDER, THREAT, DRUG USE AND LANGUAGE WHICH WILL BE CENSORED. DISCRETION IS ADVISED. 

The film starts with general B-Roll of Suburban life in middle America. A man covers his pool with a Tarp, a woman is drying dishes looking on from the Kitchen. A Realtor's sign of sale is put in front of a house...their house. All the while "Angel In the Morning" plays out.

This couple (Justin Timberlake and Matilda Lutz) are realtors selling this house and as Such, involved in it's showing and upkeep. Trousersnake, true to real life, wants to fool around but the buyer has just arrived as the doorbell rings.

We cut to a Swimming pool locker room, where Maltilda's character tells a second blonde woman about car trouble she had and the feeling she was being watched.

Wait, what about the House sale? Is this after or before? When is this?

Matilda's character has a tattoo of tyre tracks down her spine. 

Great! Given that this is a Murder Mystery,  Watch it be the thing that identifies the body!

While they have a Fanservice swim, we learn Justin is to give a key note speech at an estate agent seminar, under the skeptical eye of his mother. The Speech he's about to make is themed about Survival of The fittest. 

After the Seminar, Will Greavy's (Timberlake) girlfriend never showed up, he comes home just as "Angel in the Morning " slows to 0.25 speed. He's angry that she didn't turn up at the Seminar, With her Feigning Forgetfulness and Tiredness. Will just Grabs a pillow and takes off for the night.

After a night of Couch surfing in an Empty house, Summer Elswick (Lutz), dressed as a maid finds a Snakeskin in the house. While Bill seals the Deal at the office, A Red car Pulls up outside and it's driver walks up to ring the doorbell. Thinking it's Will, Summer tells the person where she is. Will leaves the office with his buyer, but couldn't get Summer on the phone, he arrives at the House at Sunset and finds her Brutally murdered, but before your eyes can adjust to the Poorly lit scene, We get the entire Screen blocked by a Title Drop. 

We cut to a posh restaurant where we finally meet our main character, Detective Tom Nichols. (Del Toro) who is married to Alicia Silverstone's character. After an off colour joke, he notices his boss taking a Phonecall and looking distraught. 

Sure Enough, the chief has just being told he has Multiple Sclerosis, but wants to keep it a secret. As they arrive at the scene of the crime,  he brow beats a Lieutenant for dropping one of his latex gloves in an active crime scene. 

Interviewing neighbours, Nichols' attention is caught by a Suspicious unkempt man with a limp, just as the neighbour interviewed mentioned a Strange man with a limp entering the house, they also find cameras pointing towards the house. 

We cut to the police precinct, where Will was being held. Tom interrogates the man. Turns out, they were not married, only together for a year and a half. Telling the Detective that they did have an argument which makes him Suspicious of the Realtor. Also, Summer was still legally married to a Sam Gifford. But as a Suspect, Will is still Swabbed and finger printed. Tom wants to hook Will to a polygraph, but the DNA proves he's clean. 

Tom returns home to see his home under renovations. Meanwhile back at the plot, the Limping Man takes a Seat at the press conference. We cut to Summer's Autopsy, where the pathologist finds two strange things on Summers Body, First a Blonde Hair that's not hers, but stranger still, Red Paint on her Wrists, Red Calcamine Paint, a substance not available anymore. The doctor also asks Detective Nichols about his bloody mark on his wrist, which was supposedly an off screen kitchen accident,  because we need a red herring!

They find a red car on security tape they can't track a licence for. However, the car is missing a Chrome. So it's as Good as any lead. But they still think Greavy, while not the doer, still could be the mastermind, so that avenue has still to be walked.

While cutting to the Limping man Showering, and Detectives Asking all the other women at the pool about Summer, We cut to Nichols using his office computer to buy a sensor controlled tap Like the one Will has, because we need to put Quirky Humour into everything. They learn Summer had no insurance, so that wasn't a motive. We find out the man is Sam Gifford,  who not only had Previous for D**gs but also steals hair for his quote/unquote "Art"

"OH, IT'S ART!"

So Finally it's time to question him about Summer Elswick's Murder. But he is not the Limping Man, but the man who stole his hair.

Naturally as an Eccentric Artist, Gifford is a Recluse. Not only does he work with hair, but also Paint, but Lawyers up when asked about Calcamine Paint. 

When Nichols makes a call-in, he uses the Callsign "Oklahoma ". When his New Partner, Cleary asks why he's called that when he's not from the Sooner State, he learn why in the next scene. 

When we see Del Toro and Silverstone line dancing and Exchanges lines of questioning when they Dance together. Because we need to add Quirkiness, only Law and Order can be Procedural. The Other cop, Officer Walter Ridge has a side hustle of a Microbrewery with a distinctive logo. 

Let's play a game-Foreshadowing or World Building?

After learning Summer got no commissions from her sales, Suspicions of Will's Financial worries put the motive as Anger back onto the Partner, Which Will and his mother talks out of it-The Commissions went to an investment Fund, one all 3 knew and agreed to. The property they were selling was Will's mother's, so she is now a person of interest. 

While with her friends, Julia Nichols (Silverstone) exposits about a time in Phillie, Tom was accused of being corrupt, So his car was keyed with the word "Cheese-Eater" (The implication that he is a Rat!) If it wasn't for the chief, uncle Alan, who is his Uncle by marriage, he wouldn't be here in...where ever in Illinois this film is supposedly is. And he would be Depressed if he didn't have his job.

FORESHADOWING!

That night, a Strange man returns mail to Will's house, turns out Will doesn't recognise him, but he takes offence and assaults Will.

Cleary finds Summer's Telephone logue, turns out she was in the town of Limerick for 40 minutes on the day of her death. While she did sell a property there, that was months ago-So why come back?

The property she sold was an isolated Church in the Countryside. The door is open and Nichols finds the inside painted with red paint. A Tin is found and it's Calcamine Paint. Whoever painted this church could also be the murderer. 

The church Caretaker, Unfortunately tells The police the Church was painted by Volunteers with their own Paint and tools so he wouldn't know who they were.

Nichols is being going around in circles. The Caretaker doesn't know Will, Summer or Sam, the blonde hair Is Synthetic, the Phone on Summer was a Burner, but he has a lead, they find the car and they stripped it of it's red paint. And it's a Purple Chrysler Imperial, According to Mrs Nichols-hell, She use to drive one that belonged to Alan, as it happens!

Finding a dealership, tracking down a Purple luxury car, shouldn't be a problem. 

It's the day of funeral, and Will is distracted by a Shadowy figure who he chases after. Disturbed by this, he tells Detective Nichols about the Assault last night, he remembers the man is named Eli Phillips, a Man who lost his family birthright when his father sold it and committed Sui**de, with no way to buy his family home back, Phillips blamed Will and his family, for his misfortune. Sounds like a solid motive to me!

Delving into the Burner phone a bit more, turns out Summer was a serial Narc, who was ratting on all her Dr***ie clients and friends, so they find Eli's Cr**k den and question him then and there. 

Eli is a Paranoid St*ner, one who has a ham radio set to Police Frequencies, which is how he learned about Summer's murder in the first place, he's convinced Will did it, he's also aware of Det. Nichols' past.

Turns out, Wierd as it sounds, but there are 800 Purple Chryslers In City of Town, so it's hard work to find the perp, however They Notice in the crime photos of Summer's hand which is covered in marks that resemble bite marks. 

Summer's Friend from the pool, gives the Detectives new information at a bar, off the record, she tells them her ex husband,  Eli Phillips and Sam Gifford are D**g-dealers.

Will recants the night he found Summer. But the Detective get a call about one of his suspects doing a runner. It's Sam Gifford. At this house Nichols finds a Disturbing Statue of a Blonde topless Angel that resembles Summer being bound.

He goes to take a sample of The Effigy's hair...but then shots are Fired! Sam Escapes Armed through a window, But after being struck by a bullet, He's found dead.

Searching Sam's House, they find He**in, but it's not a victory. Nichols is taking off the case and suspended.

Eli is punching a door as it smash cuts to Tom trying to sleep as the builders are still working on his house, so it does looks and sounds like Eli is Punching the Detective's Door 

Frustrated at Tom's Suspension, The other Officers are such Good friends not to Abandoned him. At the bar, they see Will Greavy putting the Moves to Summer's best friend. 

Tom is given an Psychological Assessment to determine if he can return to work. He tells the Doctor he has a reoccurring Nightmare for years of being at a party with loved ones, only for criminals to break in and k*ll everyone, as Tom in his dream, cannot draw his gun. 

"Except, ever since I shot Gifford, In my Dream, it ends with me getting to pull the trigger. Weird, huh?"

Because of this statement and how blasé he was in saying it, there is no way in hell, he's returning to work. However the Precinct takes it well, he's given a happy send-off with balloons and cake with no dialogue, but being led to an exit, it's clear what the outcome is.

Some time later, Walter Ridge offers Tom a security job at his brewery. Active Duty Brewery is unique as Ridge hires Former police and Military as his workers.

Later at a party he even goes far to...offer a female guest.....for s*x.

The Chief has a better proposal, he wants Tom to Receive The Medal of Valour, Which Tom refuses, Before handing over his files over to Cleary. However, a photo of Summer's bite marks falls out so he pockets it, to do his own investigation out of revenge. So he bites his wife in the same manner as Summer.

As a Solace to himself, Tom needs to know if he did the right thing in k*lling Gifford. So he asks the Chief to match the Bite marks to Gifford's Dental Records. Which means an Autopsy on Gifford, and the disappointment that Gifford had a lower jaw denture-Meaning he was too weak to leave bite marks if it truly was him. And even he was, the denture will be filled with perfect, Uniform fake teeth. Which the killer did not have.

Meanwhile, Greavy shows the house where Summer died to the Limping man, now on crutches with a overdressed woman. They are, infact "Murder Voyuers"-People who have a Sexual thrill off Visiting scenes of murder. With Will's back turned, the model the Limping man hired, gets on the floor in the same position Summer's body was found, as the man takes photos, and having The Victim's partner show them around, OH BOY, Consider their Jollies Got. Timberlake gets so Angry,  he nearly showed the Appropriate Emotion!

So, is Nichols back as a cop now? I guess,  because he and Alan are at the firing range. And The MS has made it that the chief cannot aim straight. With the bite not found to be deep enough, the Evidence is proven inconclusive-So Alan just wants to close the case as Unsolved. 

Eli is watching tv,  when the news report of a car crash caused by one of the Construction crew Smuggling dr*gs catches Eli's eye when he recognises the young man from his Conspiracy Wall and then catches on the He**in Shipment is sealed with the same Christmas wrapping paper Gifford used. Later that night someone tried to break Greavy Realty but Surprise Surprise-no Cameras.

Then the Unthinkable almost happens-Eli tried to k*ll Julia Nichols, but SHE has HIM Cornered with her handgun. Eli is Arrested who wanted to turn himself in with info he has on the murder. 

Eli sings like a canary that Greavy is the mastermind all the time,  Summer was being ripped off by a company called Whitefish,  Maybe Tom should look into that.  But the only whitefish Tom knows is Whitefish Construction who worked on his house. 

As he is carted off he Blurts out Whitefish Construction is nothing more than a Front to Smuggle Dr*gs and Launder Money and the Greavies are the one's profiteering off it. During the Tirade, Eli left a USB drive of proof or maybe Paranoid ramblings. But it still needs to be addressed. 

Speaking of Addresses,  The sales of all of Summer's houses were put into Whitefish, but there is no info into what Whitefish actually is other than a Shell that hired Construction workers. One of Summer's Properties 15 Ghost Terrace was taken as a Drug Forfeiture, So the Police cannot investigate The house further, as it's being resold, By Will Greavy's mother,  Camille. 

On the phone, Driving away from Ghost Terrace,  Cleary tells Nichols Whitefish is no longer active, just a P.O box, Nichols believes he is being followed and he's right. But then he's told the P.O box address is shared with one other company-Active Duty Brewery and Consultants,  the company owned by Officer Walter Ridge. 

At the Evidence holding facility, we learn Eli has been a police informer for 15 years. The He**in is sealed with the same Christmas wrapping paper Gifford used, he wants to see the Dr*gs from the Gifford case, but someone has ordered the Dr*gs to be destroyed. Meanwhile someone has bailed out Eli out of jail, but remains anonymous. Peter the Construction worker, has joined the Nichols linedancing group the angle information for Greavy/Ridge, one would assume, Tom tells Peter not to even try it (As in, not to pretend he's not Involved!) But Peter thinks Tom meant not to try it on with his wife!

Either way, Bet Peter is glad he's wearing Dark Trousers. 

On the day the Construction Worker, Recosi caused the accident, He called a number 15 times.  When Tom calls that number, we see 3 people getting incoming calls at the same time-Will and Camille Greavy...and whoever is about to Merc Eli in his own kitchen!

The man in Eli's kitchen is Will Greavy...the Will we saw in the house, was A flashback to the night of the murder, where he was going to k*ll Summer, But the phonecall would be traced, so someone else has finished the job. Will demands Eli return whatever he Stole from his office. Another man walks in from behind.

We cut to the Next day with Ridge being Cryptic about Song lyrics, giving the audience the idea that he just k*lled Eli for Will Greavy. Sure Enough Eli is nowhere to be found. Searching the number Recosi called is tied to a Property Holdings called W6. The case is tearing apart the Nichols Marriage, as they cannot enjoy a nice dinner out at a restaurant, especially when Will Greavy turns up with his mother,  investors and Summer's best friend on his arm.

Tim goes over to talk to Will about W6, but we the Audience hear nothing. 

Not long after, Nichols meets Greavy at 15 Ghost Terrace and let's him in via a warrant. The camera pans to a large room showing us the Christmas wallpaper in the room beside. Tom calls the number of W6 Holdings and Will's phone rings out...only for Will to shoot Tom Dead!

BUT PSYCHE! ITS ALL A DREAM!

It's Alan's Birthday and Walter takes Nichols to one side and asks him why he's been avoiding him, which Tom lies to Walter and says he hasn't. Alan learns Tom is getting a medal of Valour after all, just as it seems Tom just got it in his head, that the entire precinct is corrupt, not just Walter. 

And his suspicions are confirmed when finds a White Chrysler Imperial...a White Chrysler, THAT USE TO BE PURPLE!

All this time it was his mentor, Julie's Uncle that aided and Abetted a Coverup so big, He thinks he can't even trust his wife! It's so big, Greavy has ordered an Assassin Disguised as a Police officer under the guise of a Dui charge to trail his house, as they drive with escorts behind,  Tom tells Julie the Greavies all have a hand in Drug Smuggling and Laundering the money through Greavy Realty, Whitefish and police bribery, But Summer an outsider to town, wanted none of this when she found out, so he had to die!

The Only ones at the party that are not in the loop are Cleary and Julia, With the plan now being Cleary taking up the case while Tom and Julie skip town, that's when Alan calls Tom to meet him at the Lakehouse to explain himself,  but Ridge just wants to Waste him to keep him silent,  but Alan knows Tom ain't no Cheese-Eater and that's why he brought him to Illinois to begin with. Tom will not Rat to Alan's Superior officers.

So anyway, Tom Rats to Alan's Superior Officers!

TRIGGER WARNING FOR SCENES OF MURDER 

So Tim, the Detective Tom has ratted to, meets  Alan at his house but when Tim excuses himself to use the bathroom. Alan has bad news-Tim is also on it and Tim is also a killer. A Unseen shooter kills Alan, then Tim is killed by Tom, he turns to see the body of Cleary at the bottom of the staircase, with Walter Ridge holding his gun at Tom, that's when a Frisbee knocks into the window,  distracting Ridge long enough for Tom to shoot Walter. When Tom re-emerges. Ridge is bleeding out on the floor, pleading he cannot feel his legs, but still crawling to his gun. Tom calls 911 when the children who came for the Frisbee saw it all. And now he can't decide whether to actually call in the murders.

And so the film ends with some time has past and Tom made the right decision to turn his colleagues in. with Knocking on Heaven's Door, playing out as Will Greavy is arrested by the FBI on a golf green, while the Nichols are put into Witness Protection and their fingerprints are burnt off so they are shedding their skins ....like Reptiles?

THIS FILM SUCKS!

How can something be Convoluted and Predictable at the same time?

Off the bat, I knew it was Timberlake's character who did it-And the Fakeout dream was just a pathetic double bluff, the cast was 90 percent nobodies, the Dialogue is just predictable, the pacing made this 2 hour film like an age, and it just wasn't interesting. 

If you are a popstar and you are in a film that's not a Musical, and who have all the acting skill of a damp fish, stick to dahm Musicals!

CREDITS 

Reptile was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli on X)

With Media from

Reptile 

Merengi's Darkplace

New Japanese Pro Wrestling 

Bad Movie Beatdown

Police Squad 

Twilight 

NEXT TIME ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE.....

Once I return back to Ireland in 3 weeks time,  I will start work on Red Notice as I said last year in the Black Adam review, We are not Done with Rock The Dwayne and his Bottle Filling Johnson!

What better than the film that became the buzzword to the final years of The Vince McMachon lead WWE than "The Golden Egg!' Film as this year's......TICKET TO HELL!

ST PATRICK'S DAY SPECIAL 2026: Eamonn Suffers through Dick Dickman P.I.

For the past 3 years I've covered the Best my Country of Ireland has offered in film.

From the Thought Provocating...

To the Brutally Honest...

To the Hardhitting.

Not this year!

Instead we have Barry O'Neill Starring, Directing, writing...he Probably flipped the Burgers and Popped His Own popcorn on Opening Night.

I Tried to Find info and Reviews of this film. There is no Wiki page, IMDB has a commentless page where it got middle of the road ratings. And In a world where everything can be found online, for a movie not to have Wiki or Rotten Tomatoes come up as one or two on search is not a good sign.

All I remember back in 2008, I was passing the theatre in Wexford Town, where this film, in my home county was filmed. They set up a combi which played the Film trailer on a loop-5 of the biggest Paddy Potato Panto Pr**ks, and 2 washed up stars, who produced this on camcorders, Compted Hotel rooms and empty promises to Local Slapnuts Actors that they will make it big in this cheap looking Horsesh*t! The next thing I remember is the man watching the trailer beside me turned to me and said "Jaysus! That looks like Sh*te!"

THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 15 FOR LANGUAGE WHICH WILL BE CENSORED,  SEXUAL INNUENDO AND SITUATIONS, DRUG PARAPHERNALIA AND VIOLENCE.

The Cover is just lazy. Obnoxious. Devoid of Story. Brendan O'Carroll's Picture looks like a Getty Images Photo. O'Neill looks like a photoshoot for the film and everyone else are headshots taken from the film, but they had to pick the worse ones. And we see what most of this film's expenses went into-a minivan painted into a Fake Chicken Shop Van.

Dvd is Just Logo and the Word play,  no extras, not even settings. Granted, recently, since dvds are a Dying Format, Main Menu screens are a lost art! Except this film was made in 2008, in the Height of the Format's power.

We open with Current Year Pop Music, As a Helicopter flies over Wexford Town. Inside is Mr Big (Patrick Bergin), putting on a Russian Accent, telling a mysterious caller that "The Shipment" will make them both wealthy men!

But as the Helicopter flies over the Bridge,  a Certain Chicken Shop Van drives by Hapless Delivery Boy/ Hapless Detective Dick Dickman (Barry O'Neill) who gets a call from his boss telling him he messed up another Delivery. In some of the Worst Editing I have seen in a long time, Dick u-turns on a concrete bridge, drives on a dirt road, knocks over Fishing Containers on A concrete Road, then falls from a wooden pallette into the water below. All this is supposed to be one series of events after the other.

Even the Asylum. THE F**KING ASYLUM! has better Editing!

So the Big Chicken is now a Wet Duck, as the Simpering Ninny Is now fired.

Wiping water and Fish guts from his face with a discarded newspaper, and loh and behold. It has a classified ad for home courses for private Detective work also claiming he can make grand a Week.

Some time later, The Man Child is woken by a postman delivering him a package. Inside is his course material: a DVD Hosted by One Frank Johnson (The Late, great Frank Carson) to teach Rubes like himself 10 steps to become a Private Detective, a corresponding cd and booklet to the dvd, a Disguise kit that not even Pistachio Disguisey would use, a Gadget Box, and a wallet for his "Badge"-Which is nothing but a Slip of Paper with enough space to write your name. Now it's time for Mr Johnson to teach you his 10 steps to becoming a master Detective.

Step One-The Clothes Maketh The Man

So His first stop is to pester the local Oxfam and  no offence to Oxfam, they do great work but two-to-one, any clothes from a charity shop came from dead people!

So one of the many Idiot card reading non-Actors Find out Dick is a private Detective. She asks If he has a gun, she'll let him know of anyone donates a gun, so for the time being she'll sell him a D***o! As the two old dears look for it, Dick Grabs at a hat on a tall cabinet-AND WOULDN'T YOU KNOW WHO WON THE PONY?-but the Shelving falls on him. 

After doing the kind of "Jokes" that would rightfully get you cancelled these days, like stealing the wig off a Cancer Survivor to wear it or entering a Dressing room unannounced, In the end, Dick ends up just looking like Community Theatre Columbo.

D**king around Tesco, he talks to a Mannequin In a Tuxedo to do a crappy Sean Connery impression before being given the Bum's Rush by Security Guards. 

Step Two-The Office 

The Next step is to have a base-But if you haven't copped on by now, Temu Frank Spencer here has no Euros and Little Sense! So he elects to make his sister's shed his office after wasting a Realtor's Time as well as the viewers, because we need to fill this Sumb*tch like a Supermarket Brand Sausage! As long as he Cuts her grass every week it'll be square!

Next scene Dick goes to a Traveller's Site!

So...let's just skim over the Late Jon Kenny's scenes of him telling tired jokes about boosting Stolen goods and cheating the Social Services. Dick Buys his office furniture, as well his own car seats and car radio back. Now let's get outta here before some Anti Defamation League starts knocking on my door!

After That, Dick is playing house is the Shed when he is spied by an Angry Looking Neighbour (Joe Rooney). He puts on the Dvd to get to step 3.

Step Three-Advertising

...which Mr Johnson suggests doing him Discreetly-NOT SHOUTING THROUGH A BULLHORN LIKE DICK DOES!

So what happens next is him coming up to Some Local Slapnuts, Roped into this film,  Birdemic Style only for Mopefaced Maigret to give him his business cards, all the while The Fratellis play their one hit!

Eating Breakfast at his sisters house,  she needs to make the School so so she tells Dick "Doctor Who, Your Tardis Awaits!"

.....OK, Normie! 

"Your Lack of Knowledge In what was to be a joke at my Expense, has Backfired!"

So the Next Padding, I mean Scene, is Dick letting Joe Rooney borrow increasingly dangerous gardening equipment in something a bit more than just gardening. He's suspicious, but not enough to get off his a**e and Investigate!

OUR HERO EVERYBODY!

I Guess it's Finally time to get to the plot. As later that night, a woman comes to the Shed. Ms O'Flaterty is looking for her Brother, Fergal "Fingers" O'Flaterty, A Renowned Fiddle-Player. Despite making her cry by Suggesting Su***de, but Ms O'Flaterty is desperate, and Desperate enough to pay In Advance, He's so happy he's done with Rooney's Sh*t!

Step Four-Finding Clues 

Bundling Dinner and Himself in the van, He Drives to the bar Fergal was last seen, So he goes out to case some men in Aran Jumpers. But Dick falls for an Unwritten Rule, if someone is trying too hard to fit in with locals, they aren't, they are infact Dutch Tourists and WOULDN'T YOU KNOW WH-Wait I used that line already, Yeah Dick makes an Ass of Himself-I'll just say that from now on to save time!

The Tourists Do Say they say they heard a Rumour Fergal got involved with a Cult. Conveniently in a Another Beauty Spot In 

So he Goes to the Wooded Valley after doing Affirmations in the Wing Mirror. 

Step Five-Questioning 

The "Cult" is not even that, they are Wiccans.

A Young Wiccan, Takes Dick to see her father, The Master, as his first encounter with the "Witches" is with the kind of Tourist worker who gets a rise from scaring Rubes like him, and I'm so glad that got that on film, cause her ass is fired.

Using the Technique to complement A Woman's Perfume to put her Ease with The Master, sniffing him and his aftershave, he interrogates him or rather accuses him of Sacrificing Fergal In a Ritual off the bat, the High Priest has enough of Dick's narrow-casting. So when he accidentally asks him a question pertaining to an Errand his sister gave him ("Where Can I Find a Girl Scouts Uniform?") The Wiccan uses it against him.

Getting the hell outta Dodge, Dick drives pass a protest by the church. Turns out, it's a veritable Missing Persons Epidemic right now since the Wiccans Arrived. Many of them, Musicians and entertainers. Dick makes an Ass of Himself.

After more Aiding and Abetting Rooney this time with a Chainsaw  it's time for...

Step Six-Master of Disguise 

Mr Johnson reveals the Contents of the Disguise Box-a Santa Beard, Groucho Glasses and a Monocle.

Great for all your Infiltration Needs...if you are only Infiltrating A Santa Grotto, A Marx Brother Convention or a Period Drama!

In the End, to infiltrate the Wiccans, he uses none of them, instead posing in with the Animal worshippers in his Former Employer's Chicken Suit. 

It Doesn't work and is soon surrounded. Realizing he's outmatched and outnumbered, he runs like a Coward and in his lack of Bravery, Trips over a Violin with Fergal's name engraved into it and Stained red. We also come across a Nudist who wants to join the Cult, just because.

We cut to a Garda Station, where a Police officer Gets an Anonymous tip from someone in a boat who is filmed from behi-YEAH, NOT FOOLING ANYONE, IT'S O'NEILL IN A BLACK WIG AND SPEAKING IN HIS NATURAL VOICE! He rats out Dick as a Detective hired to protect the Cult and he has evidence that incriminates his own client.

In the shed with Ms O'Flaterty,  Sharon, he shows her the fiddle, she asks if it's his blood,  after pretending to do a CSI test with drills and kitchen utensils, lies to her that the blood is Fergal's. That's when Detectives Barnes (O'Carroll) and Devereux (Rodgers) bag the fiddle and Carts out Dick in Handcuffs as he asks where he's being taken. 

"BBC Scotland Studios.  You're the Next Cast Member in my Sh*tty Schilling Taker Show on the Beeb! (MRS BROWN LAUGH!)"

So they interrogate Dick, But he's harmless, the Worst thing is they've been investigating the Wiccans for Months, and this clown literally trips over their best lead!

While Giving some Product placement for O'Brien's Sandwich Bar (Sadly the location used has since closed down!) He listens to his CD for...

Step Seven-Reliable Sources

Detectives Need Reliable "Man on the Street" types, which Dick takes too literal when he hires some Ham dressed as a Homeless man to be his huggy bear-Then he falls in love with a Mannequin that looks Sharon-Just because! 

In a Compted Hotel Room, Barnes and Devereux tell Bishop protesting the Witches that some of his Grace's followers Broken into Wooded Valley and burnt down some Houses. The Bishop talks his way out of a charge of Incitement, just as a French maid comes in with his Grace's Breakfast, he looks down her dress whilst Pontificating about Morals

Oh No(!) The Catholic church is Full of Duplicitous Liars and Scumbags. I never knew (!)

Step Eight-Self Defence

Johnson in a Karate Gi Puts Dick through a Workout regimen, that only ends with his pajama bottoms Slipping down his waist to trip him up.

He gets a call from the Oxfam Shop after his sister picks him off the floor. Turns out, Someone was Dumb enough to Donate A REAL LIFE GUN TO A CHARITY SHOP!

It gets Worse! The Elderly Female Shopkeeper wants him to do her a favour in lieu of Payment-K*ll her Colleague with the promise of S*x!

Meanwhile in a Hotel swimming pool surrounded by Bikini models, are Mr Big and the Bishop. The Rushski tells the Clergyman to relax, the Police are too busy to find missing people when there so happens to be a Murderer on the loose.

Are you talking about Rooney? Does he work for you? How do know he has murdered when he's just started and you just arrived in Ireland days ago? In other words....

Dick has a Romantic Date with the Mannequin he Stole and makes an Ass of Himself, Rooney asks for a Shovel to "Finish the Job" Causing a fire out of nerves.

Back in Wooded Hollow, The Master Tells his daughter that in two moons time she will ascend to replace him as the Master, as the Cult's High Priestess in a Lavish Ritual. 

Step Nine-Stake outs

Still believing the Witches are Mur Diddly- Urderers, Dick does a Stakeout and while Mr Johnson teaches Cars are Great for their Anonymity,  Chicken Shop Vans with Name and phone number plastered on the side, Decidedly are Not!

Of course Dick is not Prepared in terms of Food so he gets deliveries as trash fills his passenger seat, he gets calls from the Master, who is spying back at him, who he got his number from the side of his van. But Disaster happens, too much Mineral Means he needs to do "Number one" in public, so he nearly misses a car pulling up to the Master's Cottage. But more unfunny shenanigans ensue, with a listening device, first a Van drives past that makes a loud noise (The Stock Sound of a Train No less!) and then Picks up a Gangster Radio Drama, which confuses the Detective even more in thinking the witches are evil.

So he trails the car to other local business Doing Real Work whilst Incompetent Candid Camera Commences in Coffeeshops and Colmadones. It goes nowhere only to lead to Barnes & Devereux Storm into the shed to give him a warning of the complaints against him. Dick needs to take a call, so Barnes notices the axe Covered in what he believes to be blood. he takes a sample, given Dick is supposedly on the side of "Evil Witches"

After Doing "naked Pushups" on his "Plastic Girlfriend", he reaches the Final Step of his 10 step Program

Step Ten-Back-up and Training Your Protege 

Mr Johnson Says If you made it this far, the only thing left is to Hire and train Some Competent muscle...In the form of Pete, a Handyman and his 10 year old Nephew.

Sharon has asked Dick to meet her in the Wooded Valley's Church at 9 tonight for more Information on her Brother.

HMMMMMM!

After being Fleeced out of money by the begger, Mr Big and the Bishop Meet on Hook Lighthouse, drinking Champagne with their 3rd Partner-SHARON O'FLATERTY!

(DUN DUN DUN!)

It is all a scheme to Lure a Scapegoat to his death to remove the Witches of their settlement for the trios nefarious Purposes...That is still to be revealed, we do know it involves Missing people and stolen Instruments.

Rooney Killing right under everyone's noses was just Fortuitous Circumstance...even though Mr Big knew about this? And with the Tools Supplied and Returned to Dick, Barnes and Devereux learn the samples taken are confirmed to be human. So they are ordered to Arrest Dickman.

They Stake him out just at the very moment His Sister find him with the Mannequin. So they see a silhouette of him redressing the mannequin to get rid of it and they think him and his sister are well-Sweet Home Alabama!

So When The Silhouette looks like he's just strangled and Dumping the body,  Since he heading to the Wooded Valley,  The Gards Tail him.

Set up to be Sacrificed by the Bishop Disguised as The Master,  it's broken up when Devereux sees it through a window and shouts at the scene. It's a wild chase, with Dickman chasing who he believes to be a Wiccan who kidnapped Sharon, being chased by The Detectives who believe they are chasing two Murderers.

So Let's End this Farce

Dickman calls Pete the Handyman as his backup, The Mannequin escapes the back of the van, the Gards believing she is Dick's sister, they Swerve to avoid her but still crash. When they find out what "She" is they Assume Dick is smarter than he let's on.

He isn't as he runs out of fuel-Thankfully Peter is here with his moped. They Find out what the Villians' evil scheme is when they open a Crate at a Dock-they Find a Fiddle band and the late Great Brendan Grace-They are Smuggling Irish Culture to the Highest Bidder.

GET IT?

They are "CRAIC-Smugglers"

And In what can be considered tone deaf now 20 years after The Polish Disporia Ireland was part of, we have a non Eastern European Actor in a Fake Accent claiming "This is Our Country now!"

I'm sure this wasn't Barry O'Neill's Intention, But there was no real Future Proofing in this Film. 

Sharon reveals he was Fergal in Drag and a convincing plastic mask, Egghorn is Finkell, Finkell is Egghorn, Pete Faints when Thugs Arrive and they Punch Dick out after he makes Bruce Lee noises. 

He wakes tied to the mast of a boat with Fergal about to k*ll him, as the Wiccans perform their Ritual, Dick Escapes the ropes, and the Master's Daughter gets a Vision of Dick's Predicament,  and in the most Literal use of Deus Ex Machina, Conjures a Lightning bolt to Save Dick and Fry Fergal, Mr Big is arrested for Smuggling and Kidnapping,  Joe Rooney's character (WHICH WAS NEVER NAMED!) Is arrested for Murder, and for one last time, In a celebration for him with some poor Irish Dancing School Roped in for Publicity, Dick makes an Ass himself, followed by a Credit song warning about how crap Dick is as a Detective, as the smallest text crawl ascends. So you had to squint to see if you were even credited In this crap as an extra.

IN THE LONGEST REVIEW TO DATE-I CAN TELL YOU IN THREE WORDS WHAT TOOK ME 5 DAYS TO WATCH AND DRAFT:

THIS FILM SUCKS!

In the Drafting Process of this film,  like every single post before it, is Written on paper. Every single detail, with parts not important dropped by me if that is not conducive to the end plot. However 10 A4 pages were Sacrificed to cover all the Stupidity In this 90 minute ordeal-None of the Film was cut out. NONE. IT HAD TO BE HERE. Every Prat fall, Every Glazed Over look, every Cringe Comment, lead to the next plot Point.

This Film Production felt like British indie Wrestling From the "Hey Kids! Let's put on a Show!" Era of the 2000s, The Film itself feels like A Saturday Morning Show Skit with Swearing because that what makes something for Adults right?-F-BOMBS AND B**BIES!

The Jokes are Stolen from Benny Hill, The Soundtrack makes no Sense, The Film Quality and Sound mixing feels like they really did just Pull out Camcorders while Barry's Mate rates were convinced to do this film whilst on Holiday.

As for the "Stars"-Barry O'Neill Is So irritating,  I'm surprised noone attempted to swing at him for filming real people. Brendan O'Carroll is Brendan O'Carroll, in and out of the dress, and his mate Rate, June Rodgers, character is "Fat Person Who Eats All The Time, Because They're Fat!" And there is also a Big Plothole-Who was the informant who set up Dick to the Gards? Was there going to be a Tired "Evil Twin" Plot in this film or-GOD FORBID! A Sequel?

The world may Never know-Because Noone was Stupid Enough to Ask!

CREDITS 

Dick Dickman,  PI was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli on X)

With Media from:

The Quiet Girl

Belfast

Kneecap

Dick Dickman Pi

MST3K 

BBC Sport

The Big Bang Theory 

The Simpsons 

Dragon Ball Z  and Dragon Ball Abridged 

Star Wars Episode 6 Return of the Jedi

Cody Ko's YouTube channel 

Uma Musume: Pretty Derby

Dick Dickman PI was Produced By 1 Step Back Productions and Distributed by Beaumex

NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE-YOU DECIDE!

It's time to reopen the Poll on my X account. Here are your choices 

Cassandra Episodes 4 to 6

Last year's Halloween special will be this year's unless of course you can't wait that long

Infinity Pool

Still stuck on The Polling station Is Baby Cronenburg's Holiday from Hell.

Madame Web.

I did a best of last year let's keep it going with the Worst Spiderless Spiderverse Movie.

And finally 

New to Netflix, Crap Happens. A German Rapper who has being chasing the dream for too long, returns to his home town for his mother's funeral, only to discover a son he never knew about!

Work on the review will start one week after the posting of this review. If you wish to vote on here do so by adding a comment below and each comment will count as a vote on X! On the off chance that this poll gets no votes, and it does happen, The default will be Infinity Pool, with Cassandra being the Halloween Special again!