Transformers One: Christmas Special 2025

 Last year Transformers Celebrated 40 years as a Franchise. And as a Franchise, It's History has being Strange. As it's Mythos in the past 4 decades has being updated and rebuilt from Scratch with each alliteration adding it's amendments-with Varying Results. From Unicron Being Earth all the long in the twist ending to the Dark but Engaging Transformers Prime, to the silliness of Bumblebee speaking in Memes in the fun but Divisive Cyberverse. They even had a Preschool Transformers Show, if you can believe that!

So last year for their Ruby Anniversary,  The Transformers went Back. In fact they went FURTHER Back. For the first time, We Get to see How the million year war between the Autobots and Decepticons on planet Cybertron started.

And with that being said, let's Transform and Roll Out! This is this year's Christmas Special: Transformers One. 

THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED PG FOR CARTOON VIOLENCE, INNUENDO, SLAVERY, ABLISM, AND ONE CONTINUED INSTANCE OF THE WORD "ASS", CRINGE AS IT MAY BE! THIS REVIEW IS INTENDED FOR AN ADULT AUDIENCE. 

Let's get Spoilers out of the way, these Robots  with Elita-1 are not Optimus Prime, Bumblebee and Megatron....or at least not yet, So you can excuse them for being a Bit off model.

Speaking of Off Model, Elita, More of a Support Character,  who is usually a Caring Nightingale, or an Aloof Ninja motorcycle is the only one showing Aggression. And what emotion are B and Orion Pax Showing?

Also D16's (Megatron) Giant nose is Smelling Bumblebee's Armpit. Gross!

We Start in the Gravity defying city of Aiakon, as a Certain Blue and Red Robot breaks into a Records Hall. 

This is the future Optimus Prime (Chris Hemsworth) and before the Name, the Mask, and the iconic Voice, Orion Pax was a Lowley Accounting Droid, Who Seeks the Matrix of Leadership.

We get the New Revised Origin Story: The Planet Cybertron is the Transformed State of the Cybertronian Race's God: Primus. At some time, for reasons still unknown, Primus Sacrificed his life to create four things: The Planet, The Primes, Basically, The Parthenon of Minor Gods, The Cybertronian Race in his image and a Substance called Energon, which is the life blood of all Transformers, though any Fuel Source can be Converted into it.  They can  literally get drunk on power!

"YEAH, MAN! (HIC!) N-R-GEE!"

There is a Relic said to Control the Now Diminished Flow of Energon throughout the planet: the aforementioned Matrix of Leadership, Basically a Conduit of Collective Knowledge pass down from Prime to Prime, which is what Orion is Seeking to find, when he is caught by Security Bots.

We learn that this version of Orion is no longer an Accounting Droid, but a defective Mining Droid, who has no transforming Cog. A Transforming (Or Transformation) Cog In a Cybertronian's chest is how the Transformers do their thing, scanning an alt mode, and storing the schematics to allow the transformation. After Bluffing that he can transform, Orion Runs and LE PARKOUR'S With Ramjet And Dirge in Pursuit, only to jump out the window and land onto the upright second half of Aiakon, 40 feet below.

It seems Orion has done this before as the Packed Metropolis' People are aware and sick of his actions inconvincing their day.

Internet Pranksters in their 20s in a Nutshell!

Orion is about be arrested only for the Cops to be interrupted by D-16 (Voice of Brian Tyree Henry) Causing a distraction, D helps his Best Friend to escape by letting him hide in his mining cart. 

D-16 is worried about how far his Idealistic Friend will go before he is scrapped! After all, Sentinel Prime is on the Surface Right now Searching for the Matrix, to no avail. So if a God can't find it, What chance does a Defective have? We get some foreshadowing as Orion teases D with a present, a decal of Megatronus Prime's Visage (The Decepticon Symbol) D-16 is a fan of the Prime (aka "The Fallen") by claiming he was the Strongest of them all, and that he will always have Orion's Back. 

The train descends into the Energon mines. As with the Source of Liquid Energon no longer flowing, Defectives, those born with no Transformation Cogs, are Forced to mine for it under the Supervision of Ambitious Sub-boss, Elita-1 (Voice of Scarlett Johanneson) who is close to promotion, (in her mind). Orion asks out Elita-1, but she only sees him as a Subpar Subordinate ("You Don't Have The Touch, Or The Power!")

"I CLAPPED BECAUSE I KNOW TRANSFORMERS!"

The miners find a Unstable vein of Energon,  which not only Explodes but causes Part of Cybertron, which if you recall, is a Hallowed out God's Corpse they all live in, to transform some walls to close and open. Orion ignores Protocol to save Jazz from being killed in 3 out of 3 movie appearances, only for Jazz to lose a leg.  Supervisor Darkwing Demotes Elita to Waste Management, but not before decking Orion and D-16 for Speaking out!

It's Time for Sentinel Prime (Jonn Hamm) to give his Daily Report on the expedition to find the Matrix...which still eludes him. However he does have good news, Tomorrow is Declared as a Holiday as the Running of the Aiakon 5000 race Commences at Dawn.

Orion wakes D-16 with an Idea; what if they Enter the Race? It will show the Transformers that even Mining Droids can do anything. That they can be....More Than Meets The Eye?

D16 Refuses and Orion Respects his wishes. 

OF COURSE NOT! HE TRICKS HIM INTO TAKING A SHORT CUT TO ILLEGALLY WATCH AT THE STARTING LINE BUFFERS!

From a Tall Building, Sentinel Prime Descends with an Angel Wing shaped Jetpack. He says that it's being 50 Cycles (Years) since the war with the Quintessons (More on them Later), the Deaths of the other Primes, and the loss of the Matrix of Leadership. So this race will be in their honour. That's when Orion Springs Another Surprise on his Ro-Bro, they WILL enter the race, albeit Illegally.

After a Race Sequence which is a Cameo Cast of Thousands, All the Miners watching get excited. And with some Ingenuity,  The duo are about to win over Darkwing.... Only for the writers to do the equivalent of Lucy Grabbing the Football when Charlie Brown Goes to kick it!

In a Hospital, after the race, and D is once again mad at Orion, knowing full well, that their little Stunt will demote them. And when Sentinel and his Transmetal Bodyguard Airacnid arrive in their sickbay personally, it seems that way, but it's further from the truth. Sentinel praises his miners for increasing Mine morale and Quota during the race. He offers them his personal medical pod. It looks like everything is going our Heroes way....until Darkwing, salty over his loss gets his revenge. 

Darkwing throws Both Defectives down a Garbage shoot, that's when they meet B-138 (Keegan Michael Key). The place our heroes find themselves is Sub Level 50, a shocking fact to the others who believed there was only 40 Sub levels. Turns out B-138 ("Or You can call me "BADASSATRON!" ACTUAL GODDAM QUOTE!) Is so monumentally Stupid that pressing a button to smelt ore is the only thing he can do.

B is so Stir Crazy being the only one here, he has made Friends out of Junk.

Hey, maybe you can call them "Junkicons"! HA!

In "Steve's" Voice box, Orion hears a voice, knocking the Junk over, they find a Hologram showing the former Autobot Leader and Prime,  Alpha Trion, Confirming Zeta Prime's Death, followed by a map with Coordinates to the Matrix on the Surface. Orion finally has an idea to where the Matrix may be, or at the very least they can properly Bury the Primes.

After Convincing B-138 and D-16 to go the Surface with the promises of Promotion by Sentinel, the Recycling bot pushes them up the Trash Chute to Waste Management to catch An Automatic Train to the surface. A series of events reunites them with Elita-1 as the train locks them inside on its journey to the surface. On the roof after a chase, Elita is about to clean Orion's Clock, when they are Distracted by the beauty of the Surface's Changing Landscape under an Auroral Sky. But it Turns Deadly when the Crags that form derail the train.

Elita wakes by Punching Orion, she makes herself in Charge by taking the map from him And B-138 won't 

SHUT.

THE.

HELL.

UP!

Keegan Michael Key everybody!

On the surface, they find Something Alien to them, Organic Plant Life, and Non-Humanoid Transformers in the Shape of deer. But something Else is on the Surface: A Quintesson Ship, scanning for life to k*ll indiscriminately. Orion Saves B-138 but they don't understand. What is Cybertron's sworn enemy doing on the Surface?

Finding a Valley where Grass and Collected Rainwater has Developed into a Biome, They Find a Cave of Fossilised Energon and the Slain Bodies of the The Primes. D-16 weeps over His Hero, Megatronus Prime's body. Orion finds Zeta Prime's body and remembering Alpha Trion's Message, Searches his Corpse for the Matrix but it's Gone. The others leave the cave, but Orion Spies a Flickering light in some rocks.

They Find the Corpse of Alpha Trion. Except he's not dead, but the Robot version of a Coma. B hands The Message Chip to Orion who inserts it into Alpha's head, Somehow they knew this would revive him?

"This makes No Sense and Yet It's Working!"

Alpha Trion (Lawrence Fishburne) Tells the Miners a Hard Truth: Sentinel Prime is a Traitor and a Liar, he's not even a Prime by Design. Using Art Style Shift Magic, Trion uses Coloured rust and leaves to Show Sentinel's Betrayal of his masters. The Personal Knight and Vassel, tricked his Lords and Ladies into an ambush by the Quintessons. The Primes would take out many of their fived-faced foes very readily, If not for the betrayal of the Jealous Sentinel. As the Memories of the Primes Die over where their bodies now stand, Sentinel Rips the Matrix out of Zeta Prime's Chest-Only one Problem with that-The Matrix is on the level of a Holy Relic, Akin to Excalibur or Mjolnir, so in true Arthurian Fashion it can only be wielded by one worthy.  And given that Sentinel is definitely not,  it rusts out his hands.

All this time Sentinel was a figurehead for a shadow Government headed by the Quintessons who, flanked by their Sharkicon Slaves, make their Presence Finally.

But who are the Quintessons?

Well, Long Story Short, they are the true Creators of the Cybertronian Race, 5 faced Robotic Tentacled monsters, Who Revel in Misery and Profit off war...wars they start and continue by selling weapons to both sides.  Without going into things that are not in this film like Unicron, the Hate Virus and other media, They killed Primus for his Energon and Salvaged his form to create Automatous Slaves: The Cybertronians. Eons would pass until Mining would expose Primus' Spark which would become the Matrix of Leadership, transforming a nameless Slave Into Alpha Trion, who would lead the Slaves with the red Visage of Primus on their person, the Autobots!

The Hidden Miners are Sickened to see Sentinel and his staff of Security and Supervisors Bend the Knee to their enemies as the Quintessons are paid their yearly Tribute of what the miners thought were Contaminated Metal, but in truth was Disguised Energon Cubes. There is no Energy Crisis, only Sentinel lining his pockets while saving his chassis! D-16 Shouts "Traitor!" And Airacnid Reacts to Danger, but the danger is from the Quintessons who Strangle Sentinel.  The Tribute is short and the mines are running out. But under the Threat of death, Sentinel will Command his lackeys to Enforce a Triple Output of all Mining excavations-No breaks Until the Quota is met!

Naturally, Noone can believe what they just saw, with D-16 Being more Upset than Most, he goes through More Emotions than the others-Denial, Sadness, Blame and finally Anger in the Space of two minutes Impressively voiced by Henry, Showing his first steps down the path to darkness. He doesn't want Him to pay, HE WANT'S HIM TO DIE! He wants to parade Sentinel through the mines where he suffered, before torn in half in Public!

FORESHADOWING!

That's when The Hits keep on coming, when Trion reveals another of Sentinel's Lies "No Son or Daughter of Cybertron is born without Transformation Cogs!" That Meant Sentinel Not Only Mutilated Children for 50 years, but Created an Ablist Regime where Discrimation was enforced. But Trion says the Cog doesn't Define a Cybertronion, it is the Spark (Soul). It's the Decisions you make-even the hard ones, that defies us. And that Includes this hard decision Alpha is about to make. The answer to Sentinel's Child Mutilation? Something Just as Gruesome in context-Organ Farming the dead Primes!

And So Alpha Telekinetically adds the transforming Cogs of Prima, Onyx, Alchemist and Micronus Prime to the Chest of the Defectives whose forms get bigger and grow the extraneous parts that give away their Forms "Now All are One!"

D-16 wants to fight when they are Discovered, Instead the old Leader gives them a hologram that will prove Sentinel a traitor to show Aiakon City, As he will stay to hold the Enemy Back. The Last Prime Turns into a Transmetal Lion to take out the Mindless Drones, Before he is torn apart by Airacnid.

But Now it's the moment you've all being Waiting for. The first time Our Heroes transform...and they do it as a Comedy Skit!

(SIGH!)

"AND EVERYONE HATED THAT!"

This is the Only scene I had an issue with.

In this film they make the Main Storyline that our heroes cannot transform so they go on a quest to finally do so, and when the time goes, we are not treated to the Kickass scene that causes Cheers in the aisle and popcorn thrown in the air, we get them Tripping and falling on their Butts!

Then On their Second attempt they Transform Into not their first forms but their well known forms, Sure Orion turns into a Truck still. D-16 Into the movie form of a tank, as it B's Movie form of a Chevrolet Camiro over a Volkswagon and Finally Elita-1, who has being the least Consistent, Being Originally a Cadilliac and usually different kinds of Motorbikes, Hasbro opts for making her Earthspark form of a SUV as her movie form, and I have to commend the movie after this point, the Sillouette and Colour schemes of their G1 Forms get used and remain consistent!

After Successfully Fighting Back, Everyone is Amazed By their powers. D-16, however, seems to have gotten a New Darker Attitude to go with it!

Back in Aiakon City, Airacnid Did Not K*ll Trion, that Honour goes to her Boss! He tells Her to hurt down the others and that's when Airacnid turns into a Helicopter, and Now everyone who thought I was making a typo is now going "OOHHHHH!"

Camping out in a Forest on a Cliff, Orion confronts his best friend on his new found Aggression. We Get More Foreshadowing "I WILL NEVER ACCEPT ANYONE WHO IS MADE A LEADER EVER AGAIN!"

That's when all Four are ambushed and taken out by Blowdarts. When they come to, they are Greeted by new Captors-The future G1 Decepticons-The Vainglorious Starscream (Steve Buscemi) the Pragmatic Shockwave (Jason Alvarez) and the Certified G.O.A.T Soundwave, who is a fan favourite because instead of being car or plane, Soundwave is unique for actually talking like a robot with a synthesized voice, turning into a tape recorder and having Tape Minions called Cassetticons who turned into hawks and panthers! Again Soundwave, is the MVP!

"Soundwave Superior. Autobots inferior!"
 

They were Cybertron's Elite Guard, who Believe Our Heroes are Spies For Sentinel Prime. B-138 was gagged because he wouldn't shut up ("ESPCIALLY When he was Unconscious!" According to Shockwave!) Orion tries to convince them and their followers, who just happen to be every Unnamed but recognizable G1 Transformer from both sides, that they are not Sentinel's Spies and they want to help in overthrowing Sentinel's Regime.

However Starscream, Par the Course, Believes Might Makes Right, So D-16 does not care for Starscream's "King of the Throne Act, Where You Knocked Us Out And Ran Like Cowards". He's Going to Aiakon City Himself to Scrap Sentinel. Starscream takes offence to the idea and D-16 overwhelming Charisma and Vitriol. 

"I will never call you leader...but go back to The whole king bit, does it come with a Cape and a crown?"

And in what would become Precedence for the next 41 years, D-16 would destroy Starscream's Confidence, Ego and Voice box by Usurping him and make him the Squeaky Voiced Coward we all know today. That's when the final alteration to D-16 is added, The Arm Cannon, which he aims and Charges at Starscream's head.  The shot is cancelled and says that was his last act of Mercy, there will be none for those who Don't Follow him, as Cheers from the Future Decepticons who Rally Around him, Orion sees once more a red glare in his friend's eyes.

The New Rebellion has no time to celebrate when Airacnid's Troops Attack the Valley.  They Succeed in taking as many Prisoners as they can, Starscream,  D-16 and B-138 included, But Orion does save Elita-1 from a Blitz attack, only to be Smashed into a cliff, and covered in a Rock slide.

Elita Digs Orion out the morning after, the only ones left are him, her, Soundwave, Shockwave and a few High Guard Loonies. Worst Still the Holographic proof has being smashed. It's over, and it's all Orion's Fault, according to him.

That's when Elita goes to give him a pep talk.

"Listen to me. Listen to me Very Carefully. You listening? I am Better Than you. I'm Stronger. I am Faster. In every way, I am better than you-Except for one thing!"

The only thing he has over her is hope, that he does things noone could because of hope, he entered the Aiakon race, he saved Jazz,  he freed B-138. This blind Optimism (HA!) He has, brings out the best of everyone.

With Elita-1 being punch happy with Shockwave speaking back, the only ones left are Shockwave, Soundwave and all the pallette swaps of Starscream (all but making The Green one, Acid Rain, Female, and no sign of Slipstream. It was probably easier not to create a different model from scratch) Orion has one Order.  "TRANSFORM AND ROLL OUT!"....Except they make this into a joke too!, by having Skywarp in the back shouting "WHAT?" Because he Couldn't hear him! 

Come on!

Marvel During Spiderman No way Home at least Embraced the meme lines!

In Sentinel's Tower D-16, B-138, Starscream and his other Other Pallette swaps (and Slipstream does exist!) All brought to their knees. D-16 in an act of defiance stands up because he has nothing left to lose because Sentinel took it from him. Sentinel knocks him down and takes this time to gloat, spotting Megatronus Prime's decal. Sentinel Reveals he plundered Megatronus' Tranforming Cog for himself,  making him A Prime. He then Solders Megatronus' likeness onto D's chest, Scarring him forever.

Orion attacks Darkwing harassing the miners. They learn the truth seeing Orion's transformed state after he gives a rallying speech. During which you can hear some Of Peter Cullen's inflections during Hemsworth's Delivery.  Elita,  Shockwave and Soundwave override a train filled with High Guard.

Sentinel is about to finish D, when Airacnid Notices the Train. Despite the High Guard being Tough, they are outnumbered, that is Until the miners on their Jetpacks, lead by Orion have their Uprising.

The Fight above alerts the Citizens Below.  Airacnid in a Bit of Body Horror, shows us her head can split into a technorganic Manible covered in dozens of Memory core eyes. And they might just be the answer to their prayers. And that's when she plucks Elita from the sky, while B and Orion Roll up to save D-16 and B-138 who grows Sword-Hands to defend himself as the most annoying wolverine reference ever made. Hacking the System Sentinel uses to make his announcements, a knocked out Airacnid's Memory cores is hooked up to the system. The entire Planet hears Sentinel gloat over his evil acts. Stun-locked by being outsmarted, D-16 Ambushes his Captor to get his revenge.

That's when it happens: the One Hard Decision That Orion Has to Make. Saving Sentinel Prime. 

And That's when D-16 makes his own decision.  

D16 shoots at Sentinel after Negotiations have failed, Orion jumps in and gets his left arm shot off and the left side of his face destroyed too, the force caused Orion to hang with his good arm over the building they all stand on. D pulls Orion up. But then says to his friend...

"I'M DONE SAVING YOU!"

D-16 tosses his former friend into a shaft that leads to the planet's core. After fighting off Drones, D16 lifts the Traitor and Rips his body in half as the cheering crowd egged him on to do it, as B-138 and Elita look on in horror. Basking in his win, D-16 gives a Speech as he plucks the Transforming Cog out of Sentinel's chest

"The Age Of Primes Has Ended! NO MORE FALSE PROPHETS! Follow me and You will never again be Deceived! RISE UP! I WILL LEAD US ALL INTO THE FUTURE!" That's he removes his Transforming Cog and Replaces it with Megatronus'. As his body gets bigger and his arm Cannon becomes a 3 barreled revolver, he renames himself after his Hero-MEGATRON!

While this is happening, Orion body is Caught in a tractor beam, bringing him to the Spark of Primus. There, Surrounded By the Ghosts of the Primes with Alpha Trion speaking on the Behalf of Primus, They are going to bequeath The Matrix of Leadership to Orion. Merging with his chest, Orion's body regenerates a New Arm and face mask and is Reborn. 

Orion Pax is no more.

He has being Reformatted in Primus' Image.

"RISE UP!.....OPTIMUS. PRIME!"

From the Core of the Planet, Optimus Rises to See Aiakon Being Sieged and Destroyed by Megatron and his troops. When Megatron sees Optimus and the Matrix in his chest, he gets angrier. The new Prime solos Megatron, Shockwave, Soundwave and Starscream in a 4on1 fight. Optimus tells Megatron he's become as bad as Sentinel,  He's abused the power that could have changed everything. He's Defeated but rather than execute his former friend, Optimus Banishes Megatron, the High Guard and any followers Along the way. Megatron says this will never be over and from episode 1 40 years ago,  they have being going at it for a million years....and only now in Earthspark has Megatron has stopped to become an Autobot.

And so it ends at the Beginning, with Optimus Prime monologuing on how thin the line between friend and foe is, now is reminiscing the time the two Defectives meeting each other their first day at the mine. He makes Elita a Commander and Promotes Bumblebee out of Sub-Area 50. There is only one thing left to do, Make the Energon Flow once more, and from the liquid Energon, new Transforming Cogs are given to Defectives. As Optimus says "Autonomy and Purpose is the Right of all Intelligent Beings....that is why they are We are Autobots!' He then finishes his monologue with a warning to the Quintessons-Should you think of returning, Be Ready for War!

We get two Stingers-an annoying one where Bumblebee wrecks his junk friends with his sword hands and one after the Credits, the High Guard and Megatron are exiled to the Fiery planet of Char, using the natural rivers of lava to Brand the decal on his followers,  they will never forget the Prime's Deception, that's why they are called Decepticons!

The movie is good, Enjoyable Fun, but there is Room for Improvement. 

The Transformers Story is one that gets Redone and Amended with every Alliteration of the Franchise, But never have we seen how things started, and to see Grizzled Megatron and Sage Optimus as the closest thing to teenagers as possible for them to be is bizarre! It's being Established since Prime that Optimus use to be a civilian, so in the past few years that has being expanded upon. Chris Hemsworth adds Charm and Boyish Enthusiasm, that has never being seen with Optimus before.  Scarlett Johannsson brings Black Widow Attitude to A Character who is usually boiled down to Damsel or Dumbass in Distress who needs rescuing once per Episode. 

As For KMK as Bumblebee...if Key did not go on a Interview Spree Showing his Enthusiasm and Fanboy knowledge of the Franchise, I would have Drowned his voice out like every other time he appears. Jonn Hamm,  Laurence Fishburne and Steve Buscemi do great as Supporting Cast....But It's Brian Tyree Henry, who we saw as Lemon in Bullet Train as Megatron who steals the show, Holding his own with A list actors. His voice acting really leads to Development D-16 goes from emotionally hurt Victim to Megalomaniacal Tyrant and it felt like a descent to madness. With Orion coming in second for Development who gained a lifetime of experience in 5 minutes. 

And now to address the Production.

Co-produced by Stephen Spielberg and Michael Bay (TF will never get rid of Boom Boom Bay!) Means, for the most part this film was animated and paced well with Detail and Personality, with nods and in jokes and cameos a-plenty. And the Music! They got an Orchestra to play the incidental Music-And it works better than I thought it would, adding Excitement, Contemplation, Gravitas and Shock when scenes required it to tell a story. At some point I was Clamouring for a 80s Hair Metal Soundtrack like the original Animated Movie, but then I realized, a lot of scenes would lose it's impact if they did. 

A Fun Film despite its Hokey Script and Hit-or-Miss Attempts at comedy,  though Definitely not a Soulless Cash grab, and to do a review of a Toy based Christmas Special that isn't one is so refreshing for me.

CREDITS

Transformers One was Reviewed, Compiled, and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli on X)

With Media from:

Transformers One

Transformers

Red Letter Media

Family Guy

MST3K

Figure 4 Radio Wrestling Podcast

Transformers: Prime

Transformers The Movie

TWC News Austin

Transformers One was Produced By Paramount, On Behalf of Hasbro. Transformers Is Property of Hasbro.

All Rights reserved. All Media belong to their Respective Owners

NEXT YEAR ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...

My plan was to Review K-POP DEMON HUNTERS as a Best and Worst of 2025 Couplet for January and February...But as I was writing this in November...I Got some Sad news that I have to address in a special...By the Time You read this,on the 31 of December, New Year's Eve, POP will commence it's closure Of it's tv channels. So to Mourn the loss like we Did To Citv, we will Say "GOODBYE, POP!"

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL 2024: DISNEY'S WISH

 And so, we end the year with a Christmas special, Not a Christmas film, or a souped up Toy Advert, but the first Big Mouse Dropping for a long while, from the Purveyors of Magic and Wonder-Disney!

You know a Film is going to flop when not even McDonald's makes a Happy Meal for it. Googling Disney Wish will bring up the Cruise ship of the same name, unless you specifically type in the words "Film" or "Movie" after. So why did this film Flop harder than a bowling ball in a swimming pool? What makes a bad Animation?

You may say "Clearly the Designs must be terrible to look at"!

....No, they aren't, though the Heroine does look like Pocahontas in Rapunzel's dress with some facial assets stole from Moa'na. And a lot of background characters look like there are from other films, and there is a reason for that, that we will get into.

"Well maybe the film failed because if it's Animation."

.... Again, No! Disney has a track record of taking Animation seriously, just look at any of the behind the scenes stills of Peter Pan where they filmed real actors to properly animate flying scenes or Tinkerbell interacting with things larger than her. Hell, this is the Studio that pushed back Coco, while they were working out how a skeleton would wear trousers.

"So if it wasn't the Animation or Design, the only thing left was it's Story"

BINGO!

Wish fails in it's execution of It's message, but I will go into that during the review.

So for the last time in 2024, let's Dig into Disney's Wish.

THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED G IN IRELAND, THE EQUIVALENT TO AN U RATING. HOWEVER THIS REVIEW IS WRITTEN WITH AN ADULT AUDIENCE IN MIND.

Well, I don't know what to tell you about this artwork.

I Don't.....hate it! That's for sure. But there is a lot...ok a few things of note, over the logo is our villain Magnifico, only he's not that imposing. Sure we will learn he's nothing short of a Cult leader, But he looks so dahm goofy. Also his hands are Radioactive!

THAT CAN'T BE GOOD!

In said hands is one of Rosalina's Lumas from Mario Galaxy. I wonder with how bloodthirsty both Disney and Nintendo lawyers are when it comes to cease and desist orders, would their Respective lawyers be rivals or best friends? 

Over an indigo tinted landscape in a portal caused by the Star thing, Asha, our Amalgamation of heroines from better films, stands on a rock next to a Goat kid, giving us a smarmy look-When the Animal sidekick has more Personality than your hero or Villain, AMIRITE?

Sad thing is, he's probably voiced by a washed up comedian Like Ricky Gervais or James Corden.

(READS THAT ITS ALAN TUBRYK)

Okay , that's not a bad choice!

So the film starts with a Storybook opening itself as the voice of Asha tells us the film's premise: Once upon a time, a man who believes in positive thinking went into the world and got disheartened, so he studied magic so he could grant wishes. Word Followed and soon people would seek him out in an attempt to have them grant their wishes. So much so, when the magician and his wife settled on a Mediterranean island, named Rosas, all those seeking wishes became his followers and colonised this island which became a Sovereign State when Followers who had their wishes taken made the magician their king with full autonomy of the wishes that he promises to grant.

So in other words, A Cult?

Asha Does say he only grants wishes to those "Worthy". And one such family of Rubes who lives on Rosas is her own Family, a Family of Goat herders including a grandfather who is about to turn 100, on the very day King Magnifico Will Conduct a Wish Ceremony, Naturally the granddaughter our heroine is convinced that this wish is going to his. We Foreshadow that the goat will be speaking later, and Mom Suggests that she and Asha Make a birthday cake for Zaba, Until Asha lies that she's only going out tonight JUST for work. Mom says she can tell Asha is lying when she makes long pauses, we get this response that caused me to spit out my drink when I heard it!

"I'm A Maturing Girl, My pauses are now different!"

Hey! a Menstruation Joke in your Disney Kiddie Film!

MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU FILTHY ANIMALS!

So Asha is a tour guide here in Rosas, An Island made of Disney Props and References, We have our first Song which I Didn't fast forward because it's world Building, even it it's 3d assets from existing films and video games, Asha's house is the house the fairy godmothers raised Aurora (FORESHADOWING!), there are bluebirds and butterflies that land in women's hair and the marketplace sells Pumpkins, glass slippers, dolls of characters and the like. But there is some Originality, This a medieval world that's a tourist trap where most of the citizens are artisans who one day wish for tidy Profits...But do gain them anyway!

The Song Continues with Asha telling us that when a child turns eighteen or an adult visits the king, That the king removes the Wish from the person and it's crystallized and stored away, and that person forgets the wish, but they are freed of the burden of a wish that may never come through, But that's ok because if you believe enough and are good citizens, your wish will be granted, right.....RIGHT?

"We get our free will sucked out, by choice and maybe if the wish is Convenient for our DICTATOR to stay in power, It gets granted. WHAT A BARGAIN!"

After the song in the castles Kitchen Asha Converses with a Maid named Dahlia, who exposits that Asha wants to be the King's Apprentice, this was the thing she lied to her mother about.

Dahlia is the leader of seven orphans who are Actually references to the seven dwarves, something a lot of people missed out on. In fact there are a lot of references people missed, not in an Easter egg way, but a point that was missed way. Anyway. Not-Grumpy says there is a conspiracy that when someone turns 18, Just like Simon, the Stand-in for Sleepy, they lose some of their will and become listless like he has. But hey, King's Apprentice, that means your family and friends get first dibs on wish grants, including say, i don't know, A Grandfather who turns 100 and may not live to see 101, so yeah, good luck with that!

The Queen Amira enters the Scullery to announce that Asha's Interview for Apprenticeship has being moved up to right now.

Asha is led to the King's Chambers, Amira tells Asha she's rooting for her because she admires her generous Spirit. Inside the Library like chamber, she finds a Spellbook under glass, when she touches it, The glass decoration comes to life and attacks her as a swarm of hummingbirds until the king (Chris Pine) comes in to Save her.

We get some backstory on Asha. SURPRISE, SURPRISE, BUT NOT REALLY! HER DAD IS DEAD! AT LEAST ONE PARENT OF A CHILDREN'S FILM PROTAG BE LIKE:

Asha's father was an Astronomer and he instilled his beliefs onto her. At a young age, The King himself lost his family at a young age to Greedy Bandits, But now look at him, King of the Most Plentiful and Ideal Place on Earth.

"I WANT TO MAKE A PLACE, WHERE NOONE HAS TO SEE THEIR DREAMS DIE IN FRONT OF THEIR EYES"

(NERVOUS LAUGHTER!)

(SIGH!)

So Magnifico shows Asha his collection of Wishes that he has Extracted for many years (Including 3 from the 4 tourists that were convinced solely by Asha's Song-So....WHOOPS!) After Asha exclaims that they feel alive (Oh, Honey! Oh you Sweet Summer Child!), The King sings "At all costs" Chris Pine is Autotuned and maybe it's that, Maybe it's the melody or the way he sings the word "YOUUUUU" But the first half of this song sounds like Dirty Vegas' Song "Without You (Days Gone By)

The Song also is foreshadowing as he sings about the power "Drawing Him in" and "Compulsion".

The Silver Tongued Silver fox convinces Asha as she starts to sing to the balls of Cleaved out Will-to-live, finding Zaba's wish. When the Song ends, she tells the king it's Zaba's birthday and she would love it of his wish gets granted, but the king not only refuses to grant a Mundane wish of being a Song writer, but Gaslights Asha into thinking it's a Dangerous wish. That a wish of "Inspiring The Next Generation" could be Morally Ambiguous. And goes out of his way to say he only grants wishes for the kingdom's benefits. 

So Asha is now becoming disillusioned, if Magnifico has no intention of Granting All these wishes, maybe he should give them back, But no, he's the Grand Pharaoh of this Pyramid scheme, people come here with unattainable wishes. He provides a service to suck out their wish, the memory of said, and their free will and exchange for a promise he will not keep, servitude, a time share on paradise and all the Copium you need to not think for yourself!

So as Such Magnifico wants to make an example of Asha, giving her a stage seat so She can hear him claim that Asha challenged her to grant a wish only to grant the wish of a Woman called Sonya so that when the King says a name with a Hard S, it gets Zaba's hopes up. So Magnifico tells Asha he will not offer apprenticeship to her as the Queen looks on confused.

So Zaba's 100th Birthday is now a sad affair, now that Asha knows the Truth, she tries to tell Zaba the Truth but the old man Refuses to remember the wish or what it was to begin with "Why would you make me remember something that will never be?", This upsets Asha for upsetting Zaba. So she runs into the night and into another song. At this point I'm fast forwarding through songs unless they contain story elements in scene. So she ends up at the Bonsai tree her Father would bring her to stargaze. When the song concludes her lyrics on believing the truth, she wishes on a star and it glows over Rosas, Filling the Folk with Joy and the king with Fear.

While the king feels threatened, The source of this light Evil Dead's Valentino behind Asha's back. Until the Orb of light speeds off during ghost antics until it reveals itself to be a Chubby star...thing. 

Sure enough, this Kirby-Esque Creature Starts Crop-dusting Glitter on Valentino and plants and animals in the forest and makes them talk, Oh and one of the animals is Thumper from Bambi in another reference in this referencefest.

Asha wants to know how is this possible and the answer is, of course, a song!

NO! THE ANSWER IS...

 

So the star can perform magic, but it can't perform wishes, however it is drawn to the wishes in someway, and somehow this Girl who spat out the Kool-Aid, and this non-verbal Creature team up to free the wishes. Meanwhile in the castle's keep, Magnifico tries to find a spell or knowledge to explain what that light was, as he berates Amira, that he doesn't want what happened to his family to happen again, so he breaks out the Forbidden Spellbook, Until Amira talks him down.

So Asha tries to Smuggle the Star into the castle, so she can get help from the Seven Not-Dwarves to get into the Study without notice, so she hides Valentino in a chicken coop. Asha comes clean about the Magic star and I'm glad she did, because, noone would be able to explain...WHATEVER THE HELL THIS IS!

Star (which is now his name-VERY CREATIVE!) Meets them all but is sad to meet Simon, who already had his soul sucked! There is a call to Assembly and everyone leaves to attend, The lame Dahlia feigns slowness to get the full story from Asha without the others knowing. So Asha spills the beans, Magnifico is a fraud, so Dahlia leads Asha, Star and Val into the dumb Water.

At Assembly the King tells his Rubes that the light from last night was Magic-magic he didn't commit or Condone, Whoever performs magic without the King's approval is A Traitor and when he Finds the traitor, the punishment will be severe, making Dahlia cringe with panic as she causes a distraction.

The door to the Dumb waiter is locked, but Star gives all the Inanimate objects in the study life (they play music that starts like the Magician's Apprentice, but that is soon drowned out.), including a magnifying glass that makes the ripped Papers and tossed books catch fire, the source behind this meme.

Star is bought to the wish room where Asha asks for Mother's and Zaba's wishes Showing the bootleg Togepi a sketch book of what they look like, meanwhile the Distraction by Dahlia turns into a Q and A Session where basically the Conned Rubes start speaking out of turn and regain free speech, which Ticks off the King Immensely. So It's Rumpelstiltskin time-Bring me the traitor and I will grant your wish. Until Then, Noone plays with the toys in the Toybox.

After the worst Villain Song ever created, the one where this meme comes from....

 

THIS IS NOT THE FACE OF EVIL, THIS IS THE FACE OF SOMEONE WHO SUCCESSFULLY  PULLS OFF A "DEEZ NUTS" JOKE!

The King charges into the room just as Star finds Zaba's wish, As she hides with her friends the song continues with Magnifico having his hand forced to do god knows what when he breaks out the forbidden Spellbook, and makes himself a dungeon.

That night Mom and Zaba are told everything, they can't believe Valentino can talk and they can't believe Zaba's wish is his once more. As it's absorbed into the old man's body he laughs at how pure and simple it was, that he doesn't know how, but he will inspire people.

But then the King Darkens the Door. Asha has being Sold Out, he wants to how she did it-How did she pluck a star out of the sky without magic. Asha refuses and as Punishment, Magnifico pulls out Mom's wish out from his robes and crushes it, the soul energy going into Mag and causing a mini heart attack in the woman, with Magnifico exclaiming if he only knew absorbing wishes could give him this much power, he would have does this sooner.

So you are telling me, he Didn't know til right now, or was not smart enough, to absorb soul power to make himself more powerful, that he was just content with brainwashing and Gaslighting?

Now seeing the king becoming a Power hungry Soul sucker, Star aids the family to escape, with Valentino convincing the knights' and King's horses Orwellian Style to turn on their Human masters!

Bundled into a Rowboat, they sail towards a second island, Asha apologises for making them all fugitives. Mom recovers from the pain, a pain not Physical, but Emotional, like she is grieving a part of herself. But Asha fears for everyone in Rosas as every Pigeon on the Island is now a Pigeon Parfait in an all night Soul Buffet! As the Boat is about to shore, Asha, Val and Star swim and fly back to Rosas.

In Magnifico's Dungeon, he Learns to harness the stars in the sky's power. By sacrificing the wishes of 3 people to Create a Staff from Forbidden Magic. Seeing her Husband Create a weapon of Arcane Power, Amira is Frightened by the changes in her husband's personality.

A new Assembly had being called, With Asha blamed for the 3 souls stolen for the King's Staff's Creation, the king Make his terrifying entrance. Asha looking for her friends in Disguise and sees the Queen just as Concerned. She has the idea to make a Mouse Talk to send a message to Amira.

The Traitor is revealed to be Simon, the King grants his wish because it's convenient and beneficial for him, to make Simon his most powerful and loyal knight, but Amplified by the Staff's power, Simon is also turned into a mindless Slave who tells the king the other Orphans are also conspirators.

Bacenia, The Bashful Dwarf Replacement brings the others to her secret Hideout, which she goes to when human Contact gets too much for her! Asha finds the place by accident. And so the plan is simple: With a Song, Asha, Val, Star and the remaining 6 orphans are Le Resistance.

Their Signal is the sound of a dying Giraffe!

As the Sing Continues they are found by the Queen...who Joins Le Resistance by singing her own stanza to the song. The Queen meets Star and somehow learns from Asha that Star can't leave until the Wishes are freed.

Meanwhile Magnifico has gone Full Energy Vampire, Sucking Up Wishes and dropping References left and right, with just the worst puns ("A wish for a Nanny, well-I'M POPPIN' THIS ONE!)

ACTUAL GODDAM QUOTE!

Amira sneaks the Orphans and Valentino into the Study to free the Wishes and find a cure. In the forest with Asha, Star breaks off a branch and imparts some magic to make a wand. Problem is, the magic is Sporadic and random, Meanwhile all the orphans except the Walking Stick Dependant Dahlia, are joined with Star and Valentino to open the Starlight, while Dahlia helps Amira to search tomes for a counter spell.

Now, Ignoring they made Dario, the Dopey Counterpart More Neurodivergent, than just plain Stupid, ignore that detail of him getting confused on how to pull a Rope played for laughs, they sent Children to open a Giant Starlight, so of course the plan doesn't work. There is more bad news, as Dahlia reads that exposure to Dark Magic, no matter for how short a Time, Permanently changes a Person!

The orphans decide to plunge into the landing below like bellringers to have the weight needed to open the Roof, when open, the orbs containing wishes float into the night sky and can be seen as far as the Second island, with the Will Returned to him, Zaba rows his daughter back to Rosas to save his granddaughter.

Asha is Blindsided by the King on his horse, and he snaps the Wand underfoot, as he dismounts. Asha Brags that he's too late, only for The king to reveal he has Simon under the power of a Disguise spell the whole time. Asha realizes Magnifico never left the castle, and Simon blocks her path....until a Bear enters Stage left from nowhere and the Forest animals deal with Simon  Stealing the King's Horse she Bolts back to the castle where Magnifico reclaims his wife and Absorbs Star into his staff, But not before giving Amira a Magical Backhand and telling her "Quiet, Woman!"

THAT'S WHEN YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO FAR GONE!

WHEN YOU NO LONGER RESPEK WAMANS!

So Magnifico, Drunk off Cosmic Power casts a Permanent storm to blot out the Stars, makes himself Big Brother on any reflective surface and casts Ghostly vines that literally bind the entire populous into slavery, Proclaiming there is no Hope, without him, But him, there will be no dreams, no plans, no stories to inspire.

Well....You said nothing about Singing!

So only in a Disney film does everyone know the Lyrics to the same Song and through the Power of Love, Friendship, Heart Of the Cards, ETC ETC, The song forms new Wish spheres in the bodies of everyone, with the wish that everyone shares-the Greatest Wish of All-FREEDOM!

So lets finish this!

Everyone is freed, Magnifico is sucked into the wand as his magic is reversed, the Wishes return to the people, even those who were devoured return also. Simon slinks in, asking for an apology for his actions-which Amira grants: she too was fooled for far to long, Trapped in the jewel of the now destroyed Staff, the King, still Petulant, bangs on the Crystal like he's trapped in the Phantom Zone, so Amira commands Magnifico be returned to his Dungeon....as it's prisoner!

Some time later, Normalcy has returned, and Amira sets out to grant the wishes, not as a wizard, since she is not magical, but as a Consultant of sorts. Zaba pursued his song writing dreams and Star fixes Asha's Wand, though Asha complains that the wand could barely defeat a fake Mag. Dario Jokingly says maybe Asha could learn to be some kind of "Fairy Godmother" with Star teaching her properly, But Star Chirps sad Chirps, which Asha somehow knows to mean The star is leaving...But not today as the star flies around blasting fireworks that look like a certain mascot! As the book closes on a Happily Ever After, the Credits roll showing Constellations in the sky turning into characters from better Disney Films! 

Despite the Hate Online, this is not the Worst Disney film ever made. Just the worst one made RECENTLY , But it's not without it's wins. The Animation is crisp and as you would expect, the Artwork is Gorgeous, Surely that's all you would expect, right?

Well No, No Amount of Sizzle will ever Outsell the Steak, and in truth, Despite being Made to celebrate 100 years of Disney, the film feels like was Written by AI. Asha is a Chosen One Golden Child, who Humble-Brags to her Less Fortunate and More Capable (and in the case of 3 of the orphans, Dahlia, who relies on a cane, Dario, who is On the Spectrum, and Gabbo, the Grumpy Dwarf, remains having Dwarfism, so not only are the orphans Capable but 3 of them Handi-capable!-and it's those 3 whose actions progresses the Story, Not Asha!) and Stumbles into Victories without Prior Planning or at the very least, Prior indication that things will work in her favour. The Bear attacking Simon, For example, How did Asha know there was a Bear in the forest at that time, Did she meet a Bear early in the film? Was there a bear in the Song sung by the forest animals and we just didn't notice?

Chris Pine as Magnifico can sing, even if the first song relies Too heavily on Autotune, he can tell Jokes but Mags is a bland villain, even when he turns heel, we kinda knew he was a bad'un, because he was presented as a Cult leader early on. If he was supposed to be sympathetic, because of the loss of his family, then making him a Soul Sucker and Not keeping him as a Soul Hoarder was the wrong choice, If he was denying casting wishes of people who remind him of his family, and casting them meant he lost them, that would be A Sympathetic Villain. If he was trapped in the mirror and Cried about Being alone forever, that would be a Sympathetic Villain, He's punished and knows he deserves to be, but in a sense of Irony being trapped in a Mirror everyone will see him, BUT NO! the last thing we hear is "Get me out of this Jewel, and get off my throne, YOU USELESS WOMAN!"

Alan Turbyk's Talents are wasted as Valentino, Because of the Terrible Script, and Yes-Disney Mascots are annoying, but every now and then, they land a giggle and crack a smile, Turbyk says some variation of "I LOVE CLIMBING, BECAUSE I'M A GOAT!" Like he's Sir Lawrence Olivier performing Hamlet and NOT ONCE! does it ever land! Star has no Personality, he's a McGuffin with arms and legs.

The Story Plods Until the halfway mark when they decide to make the king evil, the film has Disney References without ever going into why it's important- It's just there for you to do this at the TV screen when you notice it!

But It's the Ending I Have the Biggest Problem With.

Recall that Zaba's Wish is to Write a song that will inspire people. The Climax sees the King has bound the Citizenry, But it was the Song that everyone sang that was the key to defeating Magnifico...BUT IT WAS ASHA, THE CHOSEN ONE GOLDEN CHILD, WHO SANG FIRST! Had it being Zaba or Dahlia, or any Side character the Moral of Everyone has a life worth fighting for would make more sense because the Former Suckers Of the king's scam are singing IN SUPPORT OF Asha to finish the fight, not to BOOST HER EGO in a song she started!

Speaking of Songs, in the Film's prevailing Spirit of Unoriginality, every Song sounds like music that exists already. And I am not talking about songs that sound like songs from Other Disney movies, I mean Songs that sound like other Real Commercial Songs. At All Costs begins sounding like Dirty Vegas' Without You, The song sang by the Squirrel Sounds too much like "Life, Oh Life" by Des'ree and the Resistance song sounds like it was plucked from Greatest Showman! Despite the Initial Shock of "Are you Serious?" hearing a Familiar Chord or Stolen Melody, the outrage is soon forgotten as these songs are THAT forgettable. A decade on from Let It Go played on the radio, and this is the state the music is in?

With an Uninspiring Hero, A damp Squib of a villain, A Comic Relief with no comedic lines, a Story that feels like 100 years of Cinema History Boiled down to base Unifying Plots with References for the sake of References, Wish is not as Pathetic as a film as People think....

But as the Film that was released to be the Milestone Film of a Company- a One hundred year Game Changing Legacy no less-NOW THAT'S PATHETIC!

CREDITS 

Disney's Wish was reviewed, compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli) on Twitter

With Media from:

Disney's Wish

Inugame Korone's Youtube Channel Representing Hololive

Once Upon a Time In Hollywood

All Media used belong to their Respective Owners.

Wish is the property of Walt Disney. All Rights Reserved.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY AND SAFE 2025 TO ALL MY READERS!

Until January, this Blog is Now Locked until then. When I return we will be close to the 300th post and the announcement on the main blog, enlightenedtowers.blogspot.com on what that film may be! 

But For Now, I need to Rest and Be with my family until the new Year. So as I log off for the year, I urge you to do the same with your own families and friends this Holiday Season. 

Christmas special 2022-Ugly Dolls

 It's now the end of the Year, so that means it's time for a toy tie-in!....and Strap in because this is gonna be one hell of a sleigh ride!

The Ugly Doll was Co-Created by two illustrators who were in Correspondence with each other, an American called David Horvath and a Korean woman, now his wife named Sun-Min Kim, who had returned to South Korea while her Visa was being Reissued and taking longer than expected. One day, David Drew A character called Wage to remind his fiancé to work hard for one's dream.

Months later, Sun-Min would Gift David a Homemade Plushie of the Character and the others would follow. And with Sun-Min's return to America, the two would marry and Start building a greetings cards empire!

So let's see how much Saccharin we can digest, This is the last review of 2022-This is Ugly Dolls

Oh God, This Hurts my Eyes! 

The Bright Yellow background and the Clustered Multicoloured Clumps that are the Teletubbies' Tampons known as the Ugly Dolls massed Together is Garish looking. Though stationary, they don't look obnoxious, (Except for Lucky Bat Raising its leg like a Pissing Dog!) Like Clifford last month, it's different when they are in motion and speaking!

Also in the Back, Lou (Nick Jonas) looks like the kind of Doll that would build A Wall around Uglyville and make the Ugly Dolls pay for it! 

The Film starts in a toy factory, where Automated Work Turns Felt and Fluff into Toys. But Sometimes, the Machines get it wrong and tosses the mistakes into a Furnace, but we Follow some toys thrown down the chute, and we see a pipe covered in Ice lolly sticks, who would do such a thing?

The Citizens of Uglyville, that's who!

The Sun rises (Somehow, in a Underground Bunker in a Factory!) Waking up Ugly Dog (Pitbull, who will no doubt Curse in Spanish, call Women Whores, then Call Women Whores....In Spanish!) And that wakes up Moxy (Kelly Clarkson) who sings about how every child and every doll are made for each other, as she Draws being played by a child, in A bit of Foreshadowing we don't see the Child's face!

Of all the Ugly Dolls, Moxy wants to be Sold to a child. She had Convinced herself that she will be chosen today, and Yesterday, and the day before that! And the day before that...and so on!

There's Perseverance, and there is being too Dumb to Quit!

Actually, maybe it's better for her not to leave, as her Can-Do Attitude and Positive Personality makes living in Uglyville that much better! A fact that Mayor Oxley (Blake Shelton) points out....in Song!

Then Wage Turns up....and she's Voiced by Wanda Sykes!

.......

THIS FILM SUCKS!

CREDITS

Ugly Dolls was Reviewed, Compi.....

Okay! Okay! I did that because you know what this film is really like, and Sorry to any Wanda Sykes fans out there, but of all the Film's I've reviewed with her in them, they were Terrible, with her being the worst part in them, Sorry, but if you see one scene of her wagging her finger going "Mmmhmm!", You've seen them all!

Oh, and Gabriel Iglesias is here too!

Out the Chute, what was supposed to be a Duckie, is now reborn as Wedgehead, as Ugly Dog starts Rapping.

At the end of the Day and song, (no, seriously are the songs that long or the are days that short? Put it down to an artificial sun in a Bunker but still!)

 Oxley says that things really can't get better than making this Community of Outcasts, But Moxy Still Believe that the Big World and Children are real. But Oxley just Doesn't want to see Moxy's heart broken.

The next day, Moxy is having tea with Distant Admirer Lucky Bat, (Wang Lee Hom) who wants her to stay more than anything, being the lucky one, Moxy wants her Fortune read via Tea Leaves, But she Interprets them as literally "LEAVE" so she drags Lucky, Ugly Dog, Babu (Iglesias) and Wage to the mountain the chute is held, if Dolls fall to Uglyville, then maybe they lead to The Big World! 

So Babu is a Handyman who seemingly has Hammerspace Pockets but is also Stupid as he pulls out items that could easily travel to a tall place Easily but instead opts to putting a Lasso on Ugly Dog and throwing up him into the chute, using him as an anchor as the others climb up.

After Sykes Earns her Paycheck by wagging her finger and tells us "Momma Don't Like That!", All 5 Skittles with arms and legs join Moxy on her Voyage up the Garbage Chute!

Soon they Fall into a Combining Chute filled with Templates for Humanoid dolls. A Robotic Voice welcomes the Templates and Ugly Dolls to the Institute of Perfection. Once Properly Sewn, the Dolls will be prepared via a Finishing School to prepare them to be Gift Ready for Children, with Moxy Wide-eyed At it all.

We know what way the bread is buttered when Individualisation Pods give Gender and Roles to the Rag Dolls which are all "High Paying Job/Model" Moxy breaks a Pod as the Ugly Dolls try to Mingle with the Ragdolls to predictably bad Results.

4 mean Girl Dolls-Including the one from the cover so *SPOILERS BUT NOT REALLY* Exclaim that Lou won't be happy that some Riff Raff has arrived at Perfection Township!

So Lou introduces himself via Song who comes off as a Mixture of Televangelist and Elitist Prick! He has the other Ragdolls eating out of his Crocheted hand, If he told them to drink Bleach to cure COVID, They'll Start Slurping it in Bucketfuls!

He insults everyone's looks in song (Which is Rich, given the whole premise is teaching Dolls to Make them acceptable to leave) until he has a field day Insulting the Ugly Dolls.

Dejected, the others turn to leave, but Moxy Ain't going Nowhere, she is going to Train to be a perfect doll, which the others Capitulate to. Lou tells us the Final Exam is a Gauntlet- An Automated Human House of Some Sort! So he as Leader of Perfection Township invites the Ugly Dolls to compete for his own Shit and giggles! He Orders Mandy (Janelle Monae), the ragdoll from the Boxart to show his "Guests" to the "Supply Suite", as he orders the other Underlings to find out more about this.... Uglyville!

*SPOILERS BUT NOT REALLY!* Mandy is Short Sighted and needs glasses to see. The Supply Suite is Exactly that, A Janitorial Supply Shed....

Is Everyone Else Uncomfortable about the Ramifications of a world with only 2 Black Dolls Forcing this film's only other Black Actor, an Asian Actor and 2 Latino Actors to live in a Janitor's Shed?

OK, SO ITS NOT JUST ME?

At this Rate, the Doll played by Gabriel Iglesias is gonna have his own Racist Gift Basket!

Mandy Bumps into a wall Revealing from her pocket he Glasses, she Cries that she needs this to be kept a Secret, as perfect dolls have no flaws, So she needs this kept as a Secret.

Meanwhile Lou had sent 3 other mean Girl Dolls to Infiltrate Uglyville (Voices of Overrated Fake View Bimbos with Songs from Shampoo ads, Charlie X.C.S.L.U.T, Boobie Rip-Shirt and Piss-O!) And yes, I don't give two fucks what their real or professional names are, given that you could replace them with any other fake Singers with Fake View counts on YouTube, given that all 3 are signed to Vevo, a Company that now has new songs posing as Ads to MAKE YOU LISTEN! So yes, Vevo could have sent anyone for Cynical Self-Promotion in this 90-minute advert!

So the trio kidnap Oxley. Another Day starts and Lou is Teaching about Kids and their propensity for getting dirty, so his class is about staying clean, which our heroes fail!

So Lou Tricks the Ugly Dolls to Enter a Shining metal Door into "The Big World"...Which turns out to be a Washing Machine...And this scene is framed like A Gas Chamber in a War Movie, A minority was Tricked, trapped in a metal Chamber and a White Blonde Leader takes Great pleasure in telling his Flock not to end up "LIKE THE LIKES OF THEM!"

But there is another lesson to the washer, Lou teaches that the more a doll is washed, the less a human would want it. No matter how much a child loves you, if you are average at best, broken at worst, you are trash!

That....is more brutal than it needed to be!

Montage of the Ugly Dolls Being Put through Constant Sabotage and Multiple Washes, As Lou Stacks the Deck in his Favour, However Moxy Won't Give up Without a Fight, Despite Lou's Passive Aggressive and Just Plain Aggressive actions. Tomorrow the Ugly Dolls will face the Gauntlet, despite not being ready! The Trio Of mean Girl Dolls return with Oxley in a Sack, turns Out He and Lou know each other!

Moxy tried Creating Costumes to Blend in, But Mandy arrives to Help with this (In Song!), Which Just ends with her own, with her singing about her own Insecurities.

"HEY, SHE'S NOT HAPPY AT ALL! SHE LIED TO US IN SONG!
I HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS!"

The next Day the Newly Dubbed "Pretty Dolls" Dressed just like all the Perfect dolls in uniforms and Wigs meet Lou, who Reveals Oxley, who Reveals the Truth to the Others. Once, Just like them, He ended up in Perfection and tried to run the Gauntlet but had Unknowingly been Sabotaged by his "Good Friend", Lou. Oxley entered the Garbage tube and learned the Ugly Truth: Reject Toys get sent to the furnace and are destroyed, So it was him who sealed the Pipe to Redirect Rejects to a new Chute where Slowly but Surely Uglyville was Founded.

With Broken Hearts the Ugly Dolls return to their home, and with Moxy's Spirits Dashed, Uglyville is now a Depressingly drab, Boulevard of Broken Dreams and Endless Night. the Next day Moxy is Meet by Mandy and she Convinces her (IN SONG OF COURSE!) To return to run the gauntlet, saying that if she never met her, she'd be still hanging off every word Lou says!

So one Song later and Moxy's Confidence is restored, Only for them to turn and be kidnapped by the dolls voiced by the 3 fake "singers"

Lou has a new plan and involves the furnace now that he has removed the barrier. He throws Moxy and Mandy into the flames as an Example to the rest of "those People"!

SO....WHITE PRIVILEGE AND GENOCIDE IN YOUR KIDDIE'S FILM! 

GOT IT!

So Moxy is pushed with Mandy Betrayed and Pushed soon after, as Uglyville falls to pieces. Oxley Discovers by shaking Moxy's Sentient Talking Newpaper Press, (NOW THERE'S A SENTENCE!) The Kidnapping, Mandy and Moxy would be destroyed if it wasn't for every Ugly Doll forming a human Chain....er i mean Homunculus Chain to save them, Oxley apologizes for his cowardice, but sees Lou for what he is, if he will Kill anything that looks anything ugly in his eyes, he will kill anything not Perfect, So he needs to be stopped!

It's the Night of the Gauntlet and the Stadium Floor opens to reveal a Human House, when all Of Uglyville arrive to cheer all the Named Heroes as Lou Proves Himself as he will run the Gauntlet too!

Inside, Lou Sacrifices all his underlings into setting off traps, while the Ugly Dolls would show compassion and save them, even if it costs them time off the clock to get the end goal of the other side of the house's back garden! That's when a Robot Baby grabs both Lou and Moxy, and Lou shows his true colours on Camera, when he Pulls a Do You Know Who I Am? and kicks the Baby in the face! Moxy could have reached the finish line, but uses that time to Comfort the crying Baby. Time is over and though the Ugly Dolls have gained Respect, they Lost!

OR DID THEY?

No, because, they all showed Compassion, which the teaching droid tells us is "THE DOLL'S TRUE PURPOSE", They all Pass, except for Lou, but here is the twist!

Lou is a Prototype, the reason he is "Perfect" is that he was not built for Public Consumption. He will never leave for the Big World, but the fact that ANY DOLL, Even the Ugly Dolls could, made him go Mad at The Revelation!

And Try as Oxley Might, Lou Destroys the Portal to the Big World Trapping Both Perfect and Ugly Dolls Alike. Lou is Captured and is given a Fitting Sentence: The Washer!

With Pieces of the Portal Everywhere and CONVENIENTLY! A piece for one doll each, they fix the Portal like a Jigsaw While singing the first song in the film. We then Time Skip to Mayor Oxley twinning Uglyville with Perfection leading to a song of both types of dolls coexisting, The Perfect Dolls embracing New Clothes and Hairstyles. And So the day has FINALLY come! Moxy gets gifted to a child. A girl with the same Gaps in her teeth Moxy has! And So the Credits Roll and reveals the fates of all the characters. Mandy and The other Ugly Dolls are matched with Kids that share their quirks or Skills, while Lou was Punished further by being made into a Janitor!

THIS FILM SUCKS!

I have not seen a More Spiteful, Hypocritical, Obnoxious Talking Down to Children disguised as a film for them! In fact, I Haven't seen a film for Kids This bad since Thunderpants, a film I reviewed In the first year of this Blog. And, for A Film about Body Image and the evils of Popularity, it IS FUCKING RICH! when it stars a singer who WON A POPULARITY CONTEST! And has Lizzo who, despite being Plus-Size, had her song shoved down people's Throats by Vevo's Insidious Campaign of making Songs into Ads on Youtube!, And there is also the Problematic Existence of this World of Perfection Township that has only 2 Black dolls and No Asians!

I WAS EXPECTING A 90-MINUTE AD-THIS WAS FAR WORSE!

CREDITS

Ugly Dolls was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited and By Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli on Twitter)

With Media From:

Ugly Dolls

MST3K

The Simpsons

Ugly Dolls was Produced by STX Family. All Rights Reserved. All Media used belong to their respective Owners!

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND I WILL SEE YOU ALL HOPEFULLY IN 2023! Please Kept an Eye Out on my main Blog enlightenedtowers.blogspot.com In January when I reveal my Schedule including the first review of the New Year!

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL 2020: BAD MOMS' CHRISTMAS-REMASTERED

(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGERBOXOFFICE...

Eamonn's Attempt to destroy the Meteor heading to Earth was thwarted by damage to the Express train to Hell. Leading to Earth being in the hands of fate.

Speaking of Hands, the giant Hands that saved Eamonn, Belong to Sabaru, a Humonoid of Great Beauty, Untold Magic Power and Hidden secrets....like why is trapping Creatures from Every Planet and referring to them as "Signees?"

When we left off Eamonn was teleported back to Earth, seemingly aged and now Dressed as some kind of Security Operative or G-man. covered in a Poncho like garb. He threw off the Garment, Revealing that his Gae Dearg Gauntlet, his weapon made to control and maintain the power of his Satanic Fist, was now upgraded into a amorphous, vorpal liquid metal, that Eamonn command by thought into a sword. he then jumped into the air as the back of his bullet proof vest, opened like a Beetles back to reveal a jet pack. Using the sword and Chi in destroyed the Meteorite, cutting into several pieces then blasting and Teleporting those pieces that would still be a threat. All the Time. Eamonn was Tracked by Camera Droid that looked like Spiders climbing walls and trees to get shots by climbing via Film Strip "Webbing"

When the crisis was over, Eamonn standing in the settling sandstorm he had created. Put the Sword over his shoulder. The Blade melted back into a Gold-Pinkish Metal Gauntlet, that went up his formarm and ended with a Cloth like material that even had embroidery like filigree design. He Turned to Joe-Jack, His Mother and Ostrich.

"HEY"

AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!

 Look, I said it over on Enlightened Towers In October before closing it til 2021, but fuck this year! So hell in a cell was a last gasp of a wwe show, NOW TO END 2020 With a glorified Deleted scene Masquerading as a sequel!

Oh look It's their Faces as the dvd cover! Moving on!

It's Strange I'm Doing a Sequel without ever delving into the Original Film So Here's the skinny: 3 Chicago Mothers, Overworked, Overwhelmed and Underappreciated By the Snobby PTA, Decide to to use their free-time to get drunk and party, much to the chagrin of every Karen in the 'Burbs! It costs Mila Kunis' character her marriage but she has bounced back re-marries and co-parenting her kids and the daughter of her new husband, Jessie!

We start At the Aftermath of Amy Mitchell's (Mila Kunis) Ruined Christmas! A toppled tree, A ruined Banquet, and a camel running past A drunk Amy!

We are told the story in flashback and with stock footage of a Nice family Christmas, However Amy is a single mother now so she is singlehandedly fixing up Christmas decorations and being Judged by the women who have hired help! And to make matters worse! Amy's mother has invited herself to her home!

We cut to Kiki (Kristen Bell) A Stepford wife And her 3 bowlcut Children Causing Havoc and Stepford Kiki to blow a circuit of her programming! Doorbell and what what maybe a prevailing theme, Her Mother has arrived announced, Played by Useless Adult Stereotype Typecast, Cheryl Hines.

And finally Crass White Trash Spa Worker Carla (Katryn Haan) Returns home to she her Roadie Mom taking a ride off a truck. She's happy to see her, which is a change, But Momma is too drunk to it's now Christmas! So Carla sees through Her Bullshit!: Momma wants Money, But she's being coy about it!

5 days til Christmas, and Amy Has laid a last minute Party spread to impress her mother, Too Bad Her Mother is the Ultimate Karen, Here is a quote from the film that actually made me laugh:

"WHEN I WAS 6, I MADE MY MOTHER A BIRTHDAY CARD! SHE RETURNED IT TO ME WITH CORRECTED GRAMMAR!"  

So 5 Minutes in, and i want to punch Amy's Mom and her Toadie Dad! She Gifts her Biological Grandchildren Gifts, Mistakes Amy's Latino Husband as the Help and Basically Shits all over the efforts of her daughter! Basically, the plot of the 1st film in the space of a minute. And she has invited 180 of versions of her to Chicago on Christmas eve and expects her Daughter to foot the bill.

4 days til Christmas and Shopping is a nightmare with Unruly Kids, So They Decide to get drunk and deal with Christmas, Bad Moms Style, Putting pressure on themselves and getting nowt in return? it's the PTA all over again! So filled with Bile, and mostly alcohol, We see them give the children a run for their money, So it's MONTAGE TIME! Getting drunk, Kissing Strangers, Twerking on Santy, and it all ends with them stealing a tree from Foot-Locker to appease Karen-SPOILERS! IT DOESN'T!

Over at Kiki's-Cheryl's clinginess to her daughter manifests when they notice sitting in the corner whilst Kiki and Harold are having sex!

3days Before Christmas, and Amy wakes to workmen in her house as Karen Lavishes Decorations and Expensive gifts to her grandchildren, Pisses of Down-To-Earth Carla when she hears about it later, All Amy's other friends are going to a Soft Play-Area later, But Karen expects the family to go to the Nutcracker-Not the twee version, but the 5 hour version in Russian, just so she can splash the cash! At the Spa we learn why Susan has arrived back to Chicago...for free spa Treatments form her Daughter, So Carla heaps the scorn about being single til Susan half-listening just says "Spare Change, Bro?" She wants $15k for a undisclosed reason and Carla folds as Susan starts to shoplift!

That Night Amy snaps and brings her family to the soft play area instead of the ballet. In the Mall we finally learn the Mothers Names, The Karen is Ruth, Cheryl Hines is Sandy and Susan Sarandon is...

"ISIS.....LIKE THE TERRORISTS!"

All the 3 families have low budget fun in a montage, except Ruth of course, Until Jessie's Daughter asks "the grandmas" to play Dodgeball, Ruth and Isis take that Personally and Ruth takes it too far when its only her and Amy Left in a high noon style shootout! Amy wins then Ruth takes a slow motion Ball to the Vag! Besmirched in Public, Ruth vows to husband to double her efforts

2 Days til Christmas and at the Spa, Carla's next waxing appointment is a male stripper (JESUS CHRIST! IT'S THE SIZE OF A TRAFFIC CONE! I'M GONNA NEED MORE WAX!" ACTUAL FUCKING QUOTE!) At Therapy Sandy and Kiki hash it out as Dr Wanda Sykes, PHD in Black Stereotypes, wags her finger and Tells Us Mama Don't Like That! Especially when Sandy Fakes Cancer for Attention!

Over at Amy's Ruth's "Doubled Efforts" has manifested in making the whole family Christmas carol all night, with a professional choir at course to win the Neighbourhood Carolling Contest, force Amy to be dressed as Scrooge, much to the delight of the Elitest Karens of the PTA! Thoroughly embarrassed, Amy tells Ruth that she wants a mellow christmas, with her ALL! of her children and her new husband!

That Night the Bad moms, go to the Sexy Santa Contest, Ty told Carla about! Seeing the Beautician, Ty invites Carla to dance on stage, Until Isis makes an ass of herself and falls through the bar! Though Embarrassed by the accident, Ty promises to stay in touch!

Ruth tries to Poison her Biological Grandchildren against their mother, bearing more expensive gifts. Christmas eve and Carla and Isis are scamming booze from shoppers with a fake canned food drive! Carla wants Isis to stay so she gives Isis 500 dollars for the "investment"!

Over at Kiki's Sandy's Gift to her Daughter is a spare Key to her New House, next to her's, This is when the rest of Stepford Kiki's Programming has short-circuited into a Nuclear Meltdown!

Returning from Sledding, Amy is shocked to see Ruth has Commandeered the house to host a Big Ridicolous Party, Including a Life Size Nativity scene with Camels, for all her snobby friends, Amy confronts Ruth and the truth comes out: Not being Married to a wealthy man has made Amy an embarrassment in the eyes of Ruth's friends: Angry, Amy destroys everything that was destroyed in scene one, as her children look on in horror! So Amy Kicks Ruth out!

So We are Back where we started, Meanwhile, Isis has done a Midnight Flit with Carla's Money, Sandy is now in deep thought in a house she now regrets Buying, whilst Ruth is in an empty church, when Sandy and Isis turn up all feeling shitty about themselves. Meanwhile Without Ruth's thumbprint on his forehead, Amy's dad can actually parent his daughter, and tells Amy that Ruth is the most insecure person he know. Wanting to apologize, Amy asks her father where Ruth is and it's Christmas Eve: where does any Rich, Conceited Big-shot go to be seen and save face?

THAT'S RIGHT, MASS!

It takes a lot, but Ruth Apologizes and we have a make up Montage of mother and daughter re-decorating the house in a style that is a compromise, though she is still racist to Jesse,....so baby-steps? In Kiki's house, Sandy has sold the house next door as she is returning to Nebraska, and Isis returned the mother and so the 3 families have Chinese food for Christmas dinner Until Ty comes to express his love for Carla....through the medium of Erotic Dance!

THIS FILM IS BETTER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE!

The story is solid, the characters relatable, the support cast is great (Susan Sarandon is a hoot!) and while the Comedy is clever, it's not as crass as i thought it would be! I wouldn't mind watching it again, but is it the best Christmas film? HARDLY!

CREDITS

Bad mom's Christmas was reviewed, compiled and edited by Eamonn Bermingham @RealEnli

with media from the same!

Bad Mom's Christmas is distributed by Entertainment in Video. All rights reserved.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM BOGGER BOX OFFICE!

I will return on January the 4th with on enlightenedtowers.blogspot.ie with a schedule of all the posts I plan in 2021. So until then,  all contact is through my Twitter account! Merry Christmas and a happy new year and WEAR YOUR FECKING MASKS!