(JOE-JACK'S REVIEW IN BLUE)
(EAMONN'S LINES IN BLACK)
(MASTER CONTROL AND ALL IT'S CREATIONS IN GREY)
(AS THIS IS A REVIEW AS JOE-JACK, ALL SPELLING MISTAKES ARE INTENTIONAL)
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
EVER SINCE DEFEATING SATANICOSTRICH THIS TIME LAST YEAR, 80'S LAD DIFFICULTY TO ADAPT TO THE 21ST CENTURY MADE HIM AN EASY TARGET. TRICKED BY THE LORD OF DARKNESS, A HOME-SICK EIGHTIES LAD WAS SENT BACK IN TIME, IN DOING SO THE FABRIC OF SPACE/TIME TWISTED ITSELF WITH A WORLD WHERE 80'S LAD, NOW NAMED EDWIN TANTALUS, BECAME AN EVIL DESPOT WHO HAS DIGITISED HUMANITY INTO SLAVES AND THE EARTH IS NOW TERRAFORMED INTO A TIME MACHINE.
WITH THE KEY TO SURVIVAL A FORGOTTEN MEMORY, FOR THE 4TH TIME, BOGGER BOX OFFICE AND THE ENLIGHTENED PAGE FROM THE EDGE PULLS OUT OF STATION. TO GET ON THIS TRAIN YOU NEED NO RETURN IT'S A ONEWAY RIDE WITH....
3 TICKETS TO HELL!)
(We open to a pitched battle on Casa DiCulche, Eamonn and Joe-Jack are fighting against the Tantalus Drones)
GET TO ONE OF THE SHIPS, THERE IS AN INTERFACE THAT WILL GET YOU TO THE TIME MACHINE!
WUT? YE CAN WORKS MACHINES AND 80'S LAD WOZ DA ONE WHO MADES IT! WHY DO I HAS T'GO?
IT HAS TO BE YOU....It's me against the population of 2 Earths, I can only hold them off for so long before I'm ki....but you, if you can get to '82 the events of what happened from that point will reverse to our timeline. God Speed Joe-Jack!)
(With that Joe-jack left to stowaway on a Spaceship. dispatching the guard with his rifle. He got to the console of the ship. it was covered by a myriad of buttons and switches.)
How do I turn dis yoke on?
VOICE COMMAND MODE: TURN ON
Dat was handy! Alrite Compootah, show me where da time machine is.
DREADNOUGHT CLASS VEHICLE HAS TIME TRAVEL CAPABILITIES
Okie-doke. Send me back t'1982
PREPARING FOR TAKE-OFF! ESTIMATED TIME OF ARRIVAL:89MINS
Enough time t'review a fillium.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPp5gmTKalg
Welcome back to 3 tickets t'hell the TRIPLE FEATURE BONANZA, bought to you by bogger boxoffice and the Enlightened Page. Dis year our boxset is the Wrestling Superstars Boxset. we do a boxset every year. 2010 we reviewed dead or alive before anyone else in TGWTG (FOR A CHANGE!), 2011 We bombed a supermarket and last year Eamonn faced the horrors of Silent Hill and died...ov Laughter!
Dis year our boxset is films starring Wrestlers...and John Cena!
First I review da film with the man Eamonn called a "con artist" in his parody Linkara Lyrics. Ken Anderson, billed here as Mister Kennedy, once told a news crew he never took drugs after the Benoit Murders Scandal, until a drugs test showed up Steriods. Smooth.
He gets top billin' despite being only the supporting cast. Da pieces ov turf dat get shot up in the gunfights, they get more screen time!
So let's dig inta Behind Enemy lines:Columbia
We start with news archive footage of the situation in Columbia. In others words since it's current affairs Vince McMahon-Stylee, it's AMERICA, YAY! COUNTRIES NOT CALLED AMERICA,BOO!
We start in Miami as Kennedy is tailing a man called Largo but it's not an assasasasasasa-trying to kill him, it's actually an elaborate set-up to a birthday party. We are introduced to the Glorified Frat0boys, Largo played by that guy in Spiderman is actually our hero Macklin, as obnoxious taglines tells us the very base characters dey're supposed to have. Macklin is the Ladies Man, Holt (Kennedy) is the Big guy(despite being shoulder-length to the rest of his crew.) Armstrong the Jesus Freak, and Gaines and Derricks the Gadgeteer Genious who invented an explodin' cake.
We cut to a Market Place in Bogota following a Handsome Couple and Son
(sigh)
It's an akshun fillium, it's just started, it's based on terrorism and we dole out the Handsome couple!
This will not end well!
AAAAAAANNNNND FIVE MINUTES LATER, SHE AND DA CHILD ARE DEAD!
Turns out the man, Alvero is in da Colombian Army. A general says something to him at the funeral but we don't get any subtitles. Besides, da dialogue fer da Americans is so predictable that it would come to no surprise if da Spanish dialogue was predictable as well.
So the Douche Patrol are called into action to take down FARC who's revenue in cocaine worldwide has bought enough toys t'wipe out the Yanks!
So the Marines are dropped intah t'jungle, inflatin' a dingy down river, disarmin' a tripware but losin' da satellite feed in da process. Dey find da base, inside a peace conference between the Columbian government and FARC is disrupted by a 4th party militia, who kill all around to set up the Americans. Derricks and Armstrong are killed and Gaines captured. Holt can't believe how skilled to counter Marine tactics they were.
So Holt and Macklin are to be rescued, but are instead ambushed. America has being set up. however the newscast shows a witness has survived.
Macklin and Holt rescues gaines after he used Maccy D's to escape.
did he bribe the guards with a big mac? No, he used the tin foil to short out the fusebox long enough for a diversion. They rendez-vous at the hospital to interview General Veldez. He refuses to help but tells Macklin to find evidence. When Gaines tells Holt the vidpaks where stolen. Mackin scuba dives into a well to get them back. in the holding cell, the vidpaks have being wiped and put in plain sight
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dddAi8FF3F4
But fuck dat shit, I WANTZ A GENERIC GUN FIGHT!
After escaping the 3 marines go over the mission in their heads and remember Dey left a concealed camera in the fence, Dey find it uncamoflaged
please da vid-joe link above fer da same joke!
Here are da last five minnits squashed inta a paragraph. The Marines and Valdez capture Alvero but Valdez double cross dem. but when Macklin tells Alvero that Valdez is behind the bombing, he kills him. And so without giving aid to the people who property they destroyed or any kind of damage limitation, Da American's return home. 'coz a win is win!
Dis Fillium is so generic dat it defy's belief, so it does!
Da actin' is piss-poor, da plot dirt-simple, the script is so clichéd that if you watched it sound down, you'd know wot was said. Despite getting top billin' Joe Megenta is the star and even en, da clumps ov dirt shot up in the gun fights have more screen time. But every character is generic, so no emotional bonds with dem.
In Da End,
Behind Enemy lines Columbia: Less Colombian gold, more like Montezuma's Revenge.
DESTINATION ARRIVED.
(Joe-Jack turned towards an expected Master Control)
IRRELEVANT HUMAN! Did you honestly think you could steal my personal vehicle without me detecting it?
Actually...I did!
Your Intelligence Rating is pitiful. There is only 1 course of action available
DELETE!
(Master Control deleted Joe-jack, Leaving Nothing but ashes and clothes on the ship's bridge!)
1 DOWN,2 TO GO! ONLY TWO MORE REVIEWS LEFT FOR THIS STORYLINE TO END BUT WITH JOE-JACK DEAD, THE OTHERS ARE BLISSFULLY UNAWARE OF THIS. HOW WILL EAMONN COUNTER, WILL EIGHTIES LAD WAKE IN TIME OR NOT AT ALL?
FIND OUT IN PART 2 ON THE ENLIGHTENED PAGE FROM THE EDGE!(pathofenlightment.blogspot.ie)
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