Eamonn Reviews Crap Happens Episodes 1-3

By the time you see this Review, I have joined Bluesky 

And to celebrate this, here Is the film that would have won the twitter poll by default.

Except it's not a film, it's a series. I which TV and Streaming would do me a favour and tag films and series as such. 

Eventually I will start polls on Bluesky, when I find my footing once again.

So going in blind, once more. Crap Happens is a 9 episode comedy of a wannabe rapper, 15 years on the road with nothing to show for it, returns home for the funeral of his mother, only to get the shock of a lifetime. 

Episode 1 "Fell off a Tree Rescuing a Duck"

THE FOLLOWING REVIEW IS OF A TV SHOW RATED 15 FOR VIOLENCE, DRUGS, SEX, WHICH WILL BE DOWNPLAYED AND LANGUAGE WHICH WILL CENSORED. THIS REVIEW OF A NEW SHOW WILL CONTAINS SPOILERS

The show Opens with a Documentary style Narration (Dubbed in English). Toni Fliesh always ever wanted to be a Rapper, but after 15 years in Berlin, he is reduced to being a Pizza man. We are told he has talent, but the Crux of Toni's Misfortune is he is a Cosmic Joke, as in he is always in the Wrong place at the wrong time. 

REALLY?

"ICE TEA, I DRINK THAT, 2 AND A HALF MEN, I WATCH THAT!"

This guy would kick Toni's Ass!

Tony's two fans are a jar of Sauerkraut with a face drawn on it and his Boss Pipo, Who looks like German MoistKritical.

After a Day of Soul Breaking Customer Service, at the very same time, Far from Berlin, Toni's mother, an owner of a Towing company, gets a call that will change her family's life forever. 

"A Duck Stuck Up a Tree?"

Wera ("Vera") a Former shot-put Champion for East Germany, who, unlike Toni, had no Wanderlust to leave Schitten-On-Havel, (Literally the ruder name of this series) Especially because of the town's Ducks.

She Rescues a Duck from a tree as the branch breaks and falls due to a Storm.

Well that's Fine, that wasn't too much of a fall and look, she already U....

(LIGHTNING STRIKES WERA REPEATEDLY)

Back in Berlin and Toni has a Gig and despite his Bravado, he is Nervous, he's up in a rap battle with people half his age, he's about to battle but his sister Nancy calls him and tells him the bad news and to come home. 

He has his rap battle. When the opponent makes a "Yo Momma" Joke, The Pain and Loss Makes Toni do the impossible: Win. But as he leaves them in Stunned Silence, he returns to Schitten For the Funeral. 

The Town is so American Southern State White Trash Coded. Instead of Duelling Banjos, I'd expect Duelling Polka Bands!

From a Upermarket that had it's S stolen 3 decades ago and never fixed it, to the civic centre Tony was laughed out of, to a leaf blower museum, Schitten-On-Havel is an Odd bird of a place, ran by a washed up Actress in a one party system, housed by Mean Spirited Boomers who treat making Toni's life miserable like it's their Religion!

We meet Toni's Family, Nancy-A policewoman, A Neat Freak and Mother of 4, his other sister Kaio, who quote "owns a Junkyard, blows stuff up and Swears so much, the Network has to beep her."

And her twin sister Karo who hates Toni for ruining her wedding 8 years ago.

And a man who stumbles to hug Toni, Johnny Carrerra, Tony's stepfather, who is 10 years younger than Toni and is a human waterworks!

"It's just one day" Toni keeps telling himself. 

At the service we meet 2 more characters, Paulie, Toni's self Proclaimed Best Friend, who had a crush on Toni's mother and a Strange fat boy (played by Leo Sky, who is a non-binary actor) who is playing a keyboard very well- though it's far too upbeat for this setting, and also the boy kinda looks like a clean shaven Toni.

(FORESHADOWING!)

Johnny in his eulogy says that Wera's Towing company was nothing more than a racket that she would cause accidents to lend her services and Johnny met her when she purposely slashed his tyres.

Toni gets a call from Pipo during the memorial that he has being scouted by a producer, but Schitten-On-Havel lives up to it's name by having phone coverage equal to a third world country. 

Or Ireland!

Toni asks his sisters who organized this strange 90s Disco inspired service.  They all point to Toni's ex-girlfriend, Jana. What We are lead to believe is a flashback is in fact two teenagers who stand next to the adults hijacking this private meeting. That got a Tickle out of me!

Jana is Toni's ex-girlfriend who inherited her mother's Funeral Directing Service. It looks like she wants to tell him something but she can't. 

Toni wonders if life would be better, if he stayed with Jana, then he seeing all the freaks he calls friends and family and then remembers why he left!

Setting of Wera's body in a Viking Burial, Kaio uses her Explosive Know-how to detonate her own mother's Corpse. ("I used her own fat as a flashpoint") Toni rests in his childhood room that been unchanged for years. Johnny tries to be a father but he comes off as creepy.

The Next day, Toni's Sleep is interrupted by a helicopter landing in front of the house. Sure Enough an executive from a rap studio (and heart clinic) wants to sign Toni to a Contract. Just one problem, Toni's self-Doubt never let him manifest anything more than bars and intros.

Maria Muller-Muller tells Toni her Attention Span has being ruined by Streaming (her actress looks into the camera as we hear a "TUDUM!") Toni has two weeks before said Goldfish memory causes the Executive to get bored and move on!

With Tony under pressure. He needs a way back to Berlin and the chopper is only for it's artists. Tony takes his mother's tow truck that was abandoned at the tree where she died. But it's stuck in mud and surrounded by ducks. Reversing hard Makes Toni accidentally k*ll  2 ducks, leaving their Duckling as an Orphan. The CGI Duckling looks up at the Rapper as its new parent. Which Toni becomes out of Guilt of what he did.

He speeds off towards the Capital and his dream. That's when another childhood he had ruined wants to come with, as the keyboard boy, Charley tells Toni he is His son!

Episode 2 "My Name Is..."

Episode 2 starts the same way Episode 1 ended, With Charley in the middle of the road, telling Toni he is his father. Charley Schammel, is an oblivious Bullied happy-go-lucky child of 14. Charley loves the school band where he is mentored by Toni's self Proclaimed Best Friend,  Paulie.

Charley is in the best mood of his life, as tonight he is going to confess his feelings to his crush in the band, Sacha "Nothing is Going to Spoil my Mood Today"

"I THINK WE ALL KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING!"

Charley's Grandparents were a loving couple and so it set Charley with Unrealistic Standards. When Jana, His Mother, turned her father's Barbers and mother's Funeral Directors into the same business,  it became the primo place for Old And Bitter Gossipers to spill the beans. Two of them gossip about Toni's return and when one the women points out Charley's looks a lot like "that Fat Blimp", the penny drops. 

Quicker than you can say, "Disney's Coco" a Musically Talented Child wants to learn about his family, despite being told he will be disappointed. 3 hours of arguing are removed (a TUDUM is heared!) Charley's Last Resort is to hold his breath and Jana Acquises. So they separately leave for Berlin. 

Toni sees this as a scam, but Charley Cranks Up the Waterworks, with a world Best dad mug, he fobs the teen off with a tenner and leaves, but oh well, nothing is going to ruin his good mood today

Back on the road, Toni does the math in his head,  the days do add up, but He used Protection that night, Right? 

RIGHT?

That's when he stops the car as Jana has blocked the road with the next level of emotional Blackmail...hundreds of Baby Dolls that say "Papa" and Charley's voice in pointed insults to Toni when touched. In the middle of it all, Toni doesn't find Jana, but Johnny and Nancy giving her stepfather a ticket. 

We see in flashback an hour ago, Johnny making an Oddly Specific Sui**de pact that he wanted to be ran over by a Baby doll Truck. Since Toni is in possession of the tow truck, it's his responsibility to clear the dolls, and Oh joy, oh Bliss,  He has to take the creep with him.

Bringing the Baby dolls to Kaio to have them blown up, Toni goes to write a song, but the words don't come out. He injures himself in frustration, only made worse by Johnny trying to Coddle his Stepson who is 10 years older than his "Father". Toni Is invited to dinner, and accepts when he learns it's Meatballs. 

At the Dinner table, he learns Jana is gone from the Salon, that is now closed forever. This brings us to a quirk Toni has, that he is guilty, he cannot bring himself to eat. Under the threat of being shot by Nancy, he brings Meatballs to Charley, only to see they have similar quirks and Foibles when Eating.

Toni's idea is to have Nancy raise Charley with her sister's help. Turns out Karo,  the sister who had her wedding ruined by Toni, knew of Charley the whole time.  Charley meets Johnny for the first time and after calling himself Toni's Father again, The Naive Boy calls Johnny Grandpa "Which" sets him off in waterworks once more.

Toni goes to leave for Berlin again and Charley opens the Simpsons Did it First Playbook, by hugging Toni, the Rapper looks at Duck and he finally gives in. He'll stay in Schitten-On-Havel,  but only until Jana Returns for one week. And that time will go solely to song Writing. 

That's when things go south for Charley when he kisses Sacha. Nancy has a fourth daughter,  Who in her scenes she is either Obscured by Props, filmed out of Focus or simply not there. 

AND WOULDN'T YOU KNOW WHO WON THE PONY?, But turns out, Charley and Sacha are cousins!

And Episode 2 ends with Charley putting his arm around Sacha's Shoulder and Proclaims today, the best day ever, only for Sacha to exit stage right to vomit!

Episode 3: Kobi 

Our last episode for this post. Opens with what I assume is hours later from that night as we hear Sonarous Snoring and Bharms lullaby can be heard over the Towing company building. 

The narrator says it best.

"If there is three things Toni Fliesh was good at, it was Sleeping, Procrastinating and Sleeping"

But Now he has Charley in his life after 14 years and he wants to get in as much time with his father, he watches Toni in his sleep.

Not even Johnny is that Creepy-I HOPE!

Cons to being a Parent to an orphaned teenager overnight-Arrested Development like cuddling in his bed. 

Pros to being a parent to an Orphaned teenager overnight- Acquiring a person who was taught how to make a hearty Breakfast 

Or A Hearty Breakfast-if it was made by Heston Blumenthal!

And the morning begins with Johnny Suffering though hot Dog coffee, Green Chilli jelly Pasta and worst of all, Chocolate Scrambled eggs.

"THAT BOY AIN'T RIGHT, I TELL YOU WHAT! LET TONI ENJOY HIS CORNFLAKES IN HIS COFFEE IN PEACE!"

Cajoled by Johnny to at least try some Chocolate eggs, turns out by some miracle, It's actually delicious. He changes the subject by asking if its OK to still be in love with your cousin "Asking for a friend!" Toni despite not being a father for long, even he knows that's a bad idea. Johnny However gives the while "a lot of Royalty and Genius married their Cousins" speech, we also learn it's the norm in his home country of Mexico. 

Charley wants to do every father-Son after school At once, but Toni reminds him he only has a week left to wrote a debut song.

So now we have a new subplot, as the aforementioned Cult like one party politician/actress Veronica Ferres has plans for the land the Towing company is on.

Thanks to Charley's Rambunctiousness, Toni lacks the Energy to write a song.  Speaking of Charley, Sacha breaks it off, knowing what we now know.

Paulie breaks up band class to introduce a Swiss Foreign Exchange Student, the eponymous Kobi.

And when this shy boy plugs his guitar into an amp and gives it few licks,  he becomes the most desirable thing to girls his age. And Charley doesn't like how much Sacha is staring at him.

🎵Somebody's Jealous/ Somebody's Jealous!🎵

Toni Sleeps til 2pm. With no Work Done, Toni does Random Sh*t to procrastinate even further. But in a Toy box under his childhood bed, he may have found the unlikeliest of Solutions. 

A VHS OF A PUPPET'S 12 STEPS TO BEING A RAP GOD!

This is a show with CGI Ducks and Road Blocking Baby Dolls, were you really expecting normalcy?

Charley's way of Coping with Jealousy is naturally not to address it, by being Jeering and Passive Aggressive to Kobi. Who, as the only boy his age, asks Charley what's there in Schitten-On-Havel to do for fun. After learning Kobi is deathly allergic to Dogs, he sets up a hangout in a Hanger, that Charley fails to mention, is a territory for wild Dogs.

Back at Toni, we get an explanation on Huso, A Rapping Puppet in the 90s, whose back story is treated like he was a Real-life Rapper, who fell off after taking Dr*gs and of course, that leads to Tutorials like this. 

Let's just hope it's better than Dick Dickman's 10 steps to be a private Detective. 

At the last moment,  Toni being the Cosmic Joke he is watches the tape being warped just as the Puppet was to reveal the secret to rap, that's when Toni remembers he broke off the piece that when removed, makes a tape rerecordable. To record an Apt Film.

"Armageddon"

It's one of Toni's favourite films and he spends the whole time he could be writing, watching it.

Also we learn the Baby Duck has a name now-Tupac!

Charley goes to meet Sacha at his aunt's work, Which like his mother's salon/Funeral Directors,  the Police Station is also a Nail Salon, but only because save for the Odd Behaviour in Town, times are hard for Nancy.

Meanwhile Ferres plan to Acquire the Land of the Towing company makes it's first move, by her trying to buy the land from Johnny with a novelty Lottery Check. Johnny, not knowing better is about fall for Veronica's trick, until he sees A Vision of Wera....in the cover of the.....(sigh! The things they film to make me say!) Karma Sutra For Older Couples he was reading. 

Frightening him, Johnny refuses. But Ferres will not back down. Plan A it is,  Continue to make the Fliesh Family miserable. 

Once again, Sacha tells Charley it's over. When he hears on Police Radio a call about a Rabid dog escaping the Hanger, he goes to save Kobi out of guilt! But he needs dad's help. 

Johnny tries to call Toni but he still has bad coverage. On top of everything else,  here Is Maria Muller-Muller arriving by Helicopter. 

Kobi is actually covered by little Cute Sheepdog puppies, but to someone who could die from a single touch, the puppies might as well be the Zombie Dogs from Resident Evil. 

Trapped in An Abandoned car, Kobi cannot bring himself to leave it. So Toni goes to tow it away,  But is Blocked by the Rabid Dog. To save the Day, it's the Female Narrator who reveals herself to save the day. You thought the Narrator was Maria, no that's her dubbed voice, but it's also the voice of....Tupac The Duck!

Sure Enough, Tupac scares off the Rabid Dog with her Cuteness-WAIT A MINUTE! How does a Freshly Hatched Duck be so knowledgeable about the town, but also stuff that happened on the 90s?

Toni returns and is shocked by a Cut-Out of Muller-Muller.  Johnny, not knowing his own ass from a hole in the Ground, when it comes to music production, Thinks he did Toni a Favour by arranging a meeting with Muller-Muller in her office at 8am. Toni has to practically sit Johnny down to explain to him that intros are not Full Songs. He has nothing. A day is wasted and Toni does not blame himself for wasting most of it!  He ends the third episode and this post blaming both the father and the son he didn't want in his life. 

This was a good start to a show. Crap Happens has that Surreal Father Ted Feel to it. The Show is both Undeniably German, but also feels Universal. The Characters are all losers, but they are all likable. Three episodes in, and there is still a lot of intrigue to why characters are the way they are. This show is interesting and funny, I will be returning to it in November. 

Next month, we are still in Germany and on Netflix. As we finish Last year's Halloween special. When I review the last 3 episodes of Cassandra. 

CREDITS 

Crap Happens was Reviewed Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham.

With Media from:

Crap Happens 

Supahot Fire by Deshawn Raw YouTube channel 

Monty Python and the Holy Grail 

The Amazing World of Gumball 

Vevo

King of the Hill

Dragon Ball Z and Dragonball Z Abridged 

Crap Happens was Produced by Warner Bros International Programming (Germany) For Netflix.  All rights reserved. All Media used belong to their respective owners. 

The Worst of 2025: Borderlands

 "There was a Legend...Many People Tell It. The Legend of The Sh**ty Cashgrab. The IMDB And Watchmojo would always go on about the Sh*ty Cashgrab even on other matters. Cobbled together Sources. (Infinitely Squandered) Wealth. Incessant Terminology. Meddling. Women (Double Their Age) So You can Understand some little Kiddos who played Borderlands Grow up to be old enough to tweet their displeasure. Well, I have a story you may not Believe. But I Tell You it's True! The Legend of The SH***Y CASHGRAB IS REAL! AND HERE ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!"

Well, it's being too long since we've done a film this Insultingly Bad! But clearly next month's Victim Madame Web was more of a Disaster that this Garbage Fire. I even laughed at the cover when this film wasn't even released yet, 2 years ago in my Barbie review (Part of 2024's Ticket To Hell: Atomic Pink Event here-Bogger Box Office: TICKET TO HELL: ATOMIC PINK CHAPTER ONE: BARBIE THE LIVE ACTION MOVIE (PART1) so this was always on my radar!

But What is Borderlands?

Borderlands is a Western Themed Sci Fi Shooter Game Development by Gearbox. In a Genre overflowing with Franchises, Borderlands stands out from Rivals like Call of Duty and Fortnite, by ironically acting as a middle ground, by being as Colourful and Amusing as Fortnite, but having serious notes and story as A C.O.D. The Selling point is the Game's wide and Boundless loot System and Weapon Customization. Through Random Number Generation or RNG, weapons dropped by the enemy will never be the same at one go or another. The number "87 Billion" has being bandied about, though I'm sure the real number is Still in its Thousands.

But if you are An Executive in Hollywood, All I Just said might as well be in Swahili, as all you thought was "DIS MAEK MONEH, BUT WILL IT MAEK ME MONEH?"

But what money it would make, it wouldn't for 10 years. 

First announced in 2015, the movie had Being in Developmental Hell For a decade, until it fell on the lap of Eli Roth, and while Roth has claimed he is not a Full Blown Gamer, His Full Attention was not on this film as he was reshooting Thanksgiving at the same time, and the production of this film was Frustrating him-And It Shows!

And we cannot forget it's casting which was lambasted by everyone online myself included. But I will get to the Physical Actors later, in what would be a precursor to how sick we are seeing and hearing Jack Black just because he's the only actor who these Hollywood execs know plays Dem Dar Vidja Games as Black's Delivery is not what you expect for a talkative robot.

And Rather than Adapt the 1st game that follows Lilith, Roland and their Crew, They preferred to instead to smash All the characters with KEWL! Costumes Together as some sort of tribute act to all 3 games as a way to sell the Then Upcoming Borderlands 4

What I'm sure was supposed to be a Landgrab for New fans who got hooked on the movie, Instead Borderlands 4 was a case of Selling Sand To the Arabs, as in the only people buying Borderlands were Borderlands Players.

And Gearbox didn't help matters themselves in selling borderlands 4, as their executive Randy Pitchford was told that the game quality got worse as it gets longer, he said this:

....After saying that his games only run on computers that are 1 year old or less and you should buy new computers and you "Shouldn't Be Poor!" If you are buying new games at $60 each!

"LET THEM BUY NEW COMPUTERS!"

So it's finally time to head to Pandora. Let's Dig into Borderlands, One of the Worst Films of 2025

THE FOLLOWING REVIEW IS OF A FILM RATED 12 IN IRELAND AND THE UK OR PG-13 IN AMERICA, FOR REALISTIC VIOLENCE, KIDNAPPING, INNUENDO, AND LANGUAGE, WHICH WILL BE CENSORED, THIS REVIEW IS INTENDED FOR AN ADULT AUDIENCE!

I Will be repeating what I said in the link above, if you haven't come back to read this. But in case you missed it, 2 summers ago, this film was announced and I laughed at This poster in passing, and it was due to the casting and after finding out what one of the characters is SUPPOSED! To Look like. But can anyone really trust a film that purposely hired two women in their 60s to play 2 women in their 20s, even if Cate Blanchett is in Phenomenal Shape? and Why is 5 Foot Nothing Kevin Hart Playing Roland?

 

Easy, because Roland is Black and Kevin Hart Does Cheapen Films, I MEAN-Kevin Hart Does Films for Cheap!

In The Dvd version, Claptrap is on the left of Krieg, not under him, but both the dvd and movie poster have the same Problem- his arm raised in greeting is obscured or cut off. Most of the personality for Claptrap comes from his movement and talkativeness, so by having him static he just blends in with the cargo boxes. 

There is Some personality With the Other 5-foot Ariana being giving a Piggy-back by Krieg, played by Florian Munteanu in his starring role, and they really gave him the Liam Neesen as Darkman treatment "Yeah It's your first starring role, but you'll be in a mask for all of it!"

We Start With Blanchett Narratting The Plot: once in this Galaxy, there lived an Alien race called the Aridians, who were A Technologically Advanced Civilization. She says "were" Because in true McGuffin Form, The Aridians, are long gone, but their Technology, which had Advanced (Read: Stolen By) Humanity still exists. However, there are Rumours. That on their Home planet of Pandora, there is A Vault, that contains the Aridians' Greatest Treasures and Weaponry. Spurring every Despot and Outlaw, every Soldier and Self-made Ally of Justice, Every Major Empire, every Petty thief, and anyone with a Spaceship License to Head to Pandora to find a Treasure That may not exist!

HOW ORIGINAL(!)

Sure Enough, Pandora goes from Intolerable Desert Planet to Den of Villainy in Short Order. Corporations Rule patches of Lands and Turn a Blind Eye to the Roaming gangs not on their payroll, Nevermind the Many Have-A-Go Hunters who will Die to make a name for themselves.

But in the Midst of this Chaos, came a prophecy, That One Day "A Daughter of Aridia" Will Return to Open the Vault and Bring Order Back!

("Yeah, That Did Sound like Wacky BS, Right? But Little Did I Know...")

We see a Space Prison, Orbiting a Planet, Being Board by a Spacecraft and Destroying it,

As Tina (Arianna Greenblatt) Looks at the Carnage, with the face of Someone who was Sold the wrong Pizza. She meets her Would be Kidnapper in Roland (Hart) and This makes Tina make the proper emotional Response-Disappointment!

Actually Roland is not a Kidnapper, he works for her father, Atlas and His Atlas Corporation who rule most of Pandora. Now knowing Her father is finally Springing her release she jumps on the chance.

After Some Pew-Pew Action, A prisoner in a Gasmask breaks through a Beats up Kidnappers and Roland's crew alike, This is Krieg, aka the Guy Off The Covers of most of the games (Munteanu). He is Protective of Tina. So he is either A giant with the Mind of a child, or just plain Bats**t Crazy. But He Gives a Grunt of Agreement to Roland, When he offers the Masked Man his Freedom!

50 light years away on a different Slum Planet, a Hooded Women Drags a man in a weilder's helmet and a broken arm through a back alley into a bar, she reveals herself as our narrator,  Lilith (Blanchett) a Bounter Hunter who converses with the Barkeep that her "Date" for the evening is a Murderer that she is bringing in, so of course she is raking it in, so she orders Top Shelf Whisky (Though Quinn tells her as a slum planet, there is no real Trappings of luxury here!) But Lilith admits she is getting too old for this!

AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE 25?

Even though she brought up her age, when some thugs calls her an Old Bi- he gets his nose broken before we have to increase the Age Rating!

The Goon with the broken nose, now referred to as Fatboy, backpeddles that he represents a company who wants Lilith's Services. She is not interested so Fatboy orders his men, Frank and West (has to be a coincidence that 2 killers are named after a killer since it's an American film!) To k*ll her. The patrons flee leaving Fatboy, Quinn, Lilith, her bounty and the two Thugs dead bodies....and a man in Suit slow clapping it out who claims to be their boss, so he gets shot dead, too!

Well, so much for that!

No, turns out the man Lilith just k**led isn't even there, it is a android in his image wearing a mask that Broadcasts Decadian Atlas' ( Edgar Rameriz) Face onto Another face for a long distance communication. So he orders Fatboy to put the mask on and emote with his hands like he is right here in the room. 

He wants to hire Lilith to retrieve his Daughter...right after Roland and his Crimson Lance Goody-Goods who Doesn't want Tiny Tina's father to exploit her as the "Last Daughter of Aridia"-Once Lilith hears the former name of her home planet, says she wants nothing to do with Pandora. 

FORESHADOWING!

Turns out when you are making Arm Dealer money-You Do have enough money to make anyone do anything. But to make sure Lilith starts right now, Fatboy shoots her Current Bounty dead, Atlas tells her not to disappoint him, as the mask deactivates, causing Fatboy to slink away and Lilith to swear in an Empty Bar.

We return to Pandora on the day of Lilith's homecoming. Lilith returns to narration duty.

"Let me tell you about all you need to know about Pandora...It's a S***hole! It is one of those places you never want to return to."

And she is right-we see the planet beyond being a desert Wasteland-Dinosaurs, Mutated Dogs,  Junk piles of scrap metal, Kids forced to scavenge to survive. Lilith finds Roland's Cruiser that crashed, and it was stripped of parts and Vandalized, those who wrote the Graffiti know of the Prophecy.  The kids tell Lilith they saw Roland and Tina go towards the City of Firestone, when Lilith is picked up by an Affable tour guide and his bus.

The Tour Guide, Marcus switches on a screen that exposits the plot, that the vault is sealed with the need of keys also hidden on the planet. So a tour guide makes a lot of money on those Vault hunters who are out of their depth.

Arriving at a very similar looking Scrapyard, Lilith is being followed by something not human. After she sets up camp that night, she shoot at her stalker...

And it's Claptrap, the Motormouthed Mechanical Mascot of Borderlands played with bile drawing Irritation by Jack Black.

Lilith does what every cinema worker who had to clean tossed popcorn because of Minecraft wish they could do, and shoots Jack Black repeatedly! Unfortunately, Claptrap has being built to withstand bullets and Programmed to serve Lilith til death, he says he was reactivated upon her return. However he doesn't know who programed that into his system and why he just remembers he is not a Companion Droid built by Atlas. 

But Claptrap is good for something, he has a Reverse image Search function. Using a picture of Tina to locate her current whereabouts to somewhere called Tundra Pass, a 100 plus kilometres from here, so she needs a ride.

The next morning she trails the Crimson Lance and Krieg's gang, the Psychos working together and it confuses Lilith, why would Atlas' Private Army work with Child Smugglers, Do Lilith shoots at an Attempted Smuggling Run, But the only thing being Liberated is their truck! No really she just leaves both slave and slaver alike looking on at the side of the road.

OUR HERO EVERYBODY!

When Claptrap makes A Crude Joke about Sitting on Lilith's lap so she put him in the cage of the Slaver's Van.

They get to Tundra Pass-Which is more a Blockade of Storages Boxes and School buses. Thinking her Bounty is long gone, that is Until Lilith spots a cuddly toy out in the open so she searches the Labyrinth of Boxes for signs of life. She uncovers a Crude Child's Bedroom for a child half Tina's age and Lilith finds her hiding in a pile of Clothes in Bunny Ears and mismatched clothes in her In-game "Tiny" Tina Persona, who acts very creepy and like someone with Arrested Development, when she asks Lilith for her "Badonkadonk!" She means her stuff bear, one she has set with a bomb.

So this is the reason why Tina was in prison. She is an absolute wiz with Making toys into weapons and being crazy about it. Then summons Krieg to finish the job.

With Krieg disposed, Commander Knox of the Crimson Lance comes to take Tina to Atlas, No Doubt still bitter about Roland seemingly choosing Morality over Duty. Tina actually says "Who and What Army?" To a Commander of an army, so Tina surrenders when surrounded,  but she has a present For Knox-An Exploding Teddy all her own, Causing Tundra Pass to collapse, Lilith saves Tina from being crushed and it looks like Knox is about to take all 3 Hostage. Until Roland In an Armoured Truck Chases off Knox's Hoverbike. This causes Lilith,  Tina, Krieg and reluctantly Claptrap to get in the car for safety.

We get a chase scene with boom booms and lasers, until they smash into a wall that guards a methane Field called....P*sswash Gully, a home to giant Worms who live off a Cycle of their own leavings, and it's where we got that Meme of Arianna Greenblatt's open mouth face, when urine splashes her into the car and into her mouth. And that's why Roland told you to Not pull down the window!

IS THIS VIDEO GAME FOR FOUR YEAR OLDS?

This Worm Creature, The Thresher, rises to the Surface and is a Tentacled covered Giant.

The Crimson Lance had Caught up on their vehicles. But Roland has a plan. The Plan...is to drive the van at the Thresher-Really Fast and Hard!

Ramming a bloody hole through the beast, The Armoured Van makes it's escape, but doing so has put the van in bad shape. Lilith wants to learn why Roland and Krieg turned on their respective factions. Tina tells Lilith her father believes her to be the "Daughter of Aridia". Lilith gets angry -this job was all about that Blasted Vault. She asks them if they know How many have died looking for that Godsaken Vault? She also gives some Backstory that her mother even died when she tried to be king of the Pirates or whatever! So she thinks Roland is just in it for himself, But no! As Eluded to and finally confirmed, Roland grew a consiense and he can't let Atlas use his own daughter as a tool, Lilith tells Roland, that she doesn't argue with this, but once Atlas learns about what she did to his Private Army,  she's as good as dead, So Thanks A Lot, I'm one of the team now, a team with no plan.

But Roland says he does have a plan-A Weapon Designer and Vault Historian in Sanctuary City. The one who has the idea to spring Tina out of The Space Joint to find the vault to find the other two keys. 

(OH YEAH, All this time Tina had one of the Vault keys on her person, If they put more into character development and drives, than Dialogue that sounded cool in the writer's head but really sound like playground taunting, that would be a lot clearer.)

So Sanctuary City is finally not a scrap heap in the desert, but a Domed Marketplace, Roland's Contact Mad Moxxie, a Club owner and Showgirl in the city's Red light district is also a family friend of Lilith's late Mother.

Roland is drinking with one of his Buddies, Larry, who asks him if he noticed his bounty just went up by 1000 Madeupstani Dollars! He feigns he wouldn't possibly turn on Roland, But Moxxie Shocks Larry because fights and Bounties are bad for business, plus as a favour to Lilith she plays a Distraction so they can exit through the fire escape.

With Tina figuring out pass code of Echo is the word Echo being Echoed, they Enter a Frieght Elevator to the lab of the Eccentric Dr Miranda Tannis. (Curtis) Lilith asks Roland if she can be trusted as he says despite her Eccentricities, she's good to go. That's when Lilith realises who she is.

Dahm Tannis, You look a little Different, Did you do something with your hair....like age by forty years? YEAH....

Turns out Tannis and Lilith know Each other...we learn it was Miranda's information that lead to Lilith Mother's Death and Tannis was made guardian of the Orphan her involvement just made, only for her to dive deeper into her work after Lilith was fobbed off to Thieves and Murderers at the tender age of ten. Tannis in her defence claims Lilith's mother wishes were Lilith would learn to survive if she didn't make it. Lilith tells her once again, There is no God, there is no Queen of England, The One Vault isn't Real!

Getting Air to calm down, Lilith is met by Tina who brags that she is The Chosen One, By letting know what she is not Atlas' Biological Daughter, But a Clone he financed. That key she has? That's more her parent than Decadian Atlas! He found it covered In Aridian Blood and Cloned a daughter to fulfill the Prophecy. 

(Checks Wiki...Oh I see....)

Tiny Tina was a Slave girl sold to the villian of the Second game and she's being living rough when separated from her parents-That's her Real Backstory.

Also the most important part of your Backstory, couldn't you have told Arianna Greenblatt to stand still so you at least feel like her character  give a dahm recanting it?

That's when she does get Emotional, Atlas only sees her as a Product, and once she opens the vault? What's next? Is she going to die after she's outlived her usefulness? Or is she going back to the lab for more experimentation, she can't live with herself after what Atlas Industries did to the other clones?

OK that's sad and all, But "Show, Don't Tell!" It's hard to feel bad when the first the thing we seen of Tina is her making a face like her phone was confiscated.

That is not the face of someone who saw Children with her face being K*lled in front of her repeatedly!

So Lilith allows the Child to hug her as a Comfort.

But nevermind that Sh*t!

We know what you really want and what you REALLY want is Claptrap rizzing up a vending machine! He trundles back to Mad Moxxie's when he is spotted by General Knox and Larry. He causes a chase scene, just as Tannis shows the crew a Journal of a Mining Company bureaucrat, he found her second key,  but dismissed it as as pottery, so it's no doubt still in storage there in Caustic Caverns-Which sounds like the worst theme park in the world!

So Sanctuary City is now on Lockdown, but everyone and Tannis now escape in a Garbage Skip. 

So Tannis is now one of the party...even though she is NOT A PLAYABLE CHARACTER, SHE IS ONE OF YOUR VENDORS!

Also why is Jamie Lee Curtis Dressed Like Dr Eggman?

"I'VE COME TO MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT; SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG IS A B*TCH-ASS MOTHERF-"

In the desert, they find a manhole leading to the Acid-Filled Sewer system aka Caustic Caverns, the Acid is so Corrosive it'll burn through anything that's not the Endemic Crystals that are formed from the accumulated Acid pools. After Breaking  the ladder off it's hinges,  Krieg makes a makeshift bridge, while Tannis orders Claptrap to travel up a tunnel to turn a valve to open a door. Tina puts herself in danger by jumping on the ladder repeatedly which promptly breaks like Borderlands 4 three hours into it's gameplay.

But Krieg saves her, after the remaining adults crab walk along the ledge. Tina spots a flower as Angelic music plays, doing that Trope in Apocalyptic movies that the heroes see that nature is reclaiming the desert as a symbol of hope, only for Claptrap to crush it under his wheel track to do a ThickoThot Dance!

GET IT? IT'S META HUMOUR!

Which makes the Following Mood Whiplash sting even harder, as they are now in Bloodshot Territory. Cannibal Anarchists that not even the Psychos would mess with, they need a Distraction, so who better than a nigh invincible robot made to recite Tina's Juvenile Word Salad of Insults.

As Jack Black gets Shot up Repeatedly, the other can search for the second key. However the Second key is stored in one of Hundred of Storage Boxes, however Lilith's Foreshadowing powers let's her find the second key. 

Oh just when you Couldn't hate Claptrap enough, we have him do a scene straight out of a Corus Animation. As Claptrap poops the bullets he was shoot up with, so of course the noise alerts the Bloodshots, so Mindless fight scene to Motorhead's Ace of Spades, they fight through the Sewer system to get the service elevator that has being destroyed so all the men go to buy Tannis some time to conduct repairs. But Roland causes leakage of the acid filled pipes to K*ll half of the Bloodshots, it'll be all for nought. Or it would be, If Roland didn't sacrifice himself to connect the lift's wires to an outside fuse box, staying behind with one of Tina's exploding teddies to fight off all of the remaining Bloodshots.  

With a more believable Actor, I would be saddened by this.

The remaining Heroes hurtle upwards a Mine Shaft to what would be their Doom at the hands of a Blocked entrance, when a Flash of light caused a magical Copout. In the words of Tina in an ACTUAL F***ING QUOTE! 

"I can Teleport? THAT'S MAD CRAZY, YO!"

However they have no idea where they are now, the only thing they can do is set up camp and hope Roland can Catch up!

Tannis Combines the 1st key and the second that looks like a pot, and they make a projector that shows the planet and 2 symbols an Upside-down v for Vault and a red Phoenix like symbol called the Firehawk, the Diety of the Planet. Usually I would ask how a character would know to do that, but Tanner is a Historian, it would make less sense if say, Krieg knew to do that!

Lilith says they need to find the 3rd key, But Tannis Blinks widely, they have the Third Key! By cloning the Aridian blood off the first Key, Tina was Imbued with its Power, in vitro. 

But Lilith Finally Cops on! If they are going to continue to find the Vault, then it means the keys' powers are to be consumed to do so, and if it means a single life dies to save many more, then so be it!

Back in Caustic Caverns, Roland is the Last One Standing. In a Cleared mine passage Lilith smashes her Tracker, But a Drone by Atlas Corporation follows her with a hologram of Decadian, threatening the lives of her friends, Unfortunately the Sleeping Tina wakes just at the moments to hear Her "Father" renegotiate Lilith's contract with him. 

So, Angered by this supposed betrayal, Tina throws a grenade at Lilith that blows up, but Lilith Survives Only when awakened by Claptrap's obnoxious Dancing on what he hoped was her grave. She asks where the others are. The Robotic Runt tells they fixed the van to head for a village. That word startles Lilith, they know where they are. Maybe it was destined Lilith returned to her home village, where she has Flashbacks of her mother's Abandonment. Searching through the rubble of her house Lilith finds a Holograph of her and her Mother, When Claptrap scans a child's drawing the Firehawk Symbol, he falls over and projects a secret message from the person who programmed him to protect Lilith: A Not-Jennifer Lawrence who plays Lilith's mother! So she asks her daughter to forgive her, but if she is back then it's only because she understands "What she really is"

A touching moment but Jack Black ruins it!

Lilith Knows that the heroes are in more danger than they realize, the Vault is here in Lilith's village. They combine the keys, Tina Puts it in a lock mechanism....But nothing happens. Not that Atlas and his Forces who were trailing them in cloaking devices care, when they can use less conventional and more violent methods to open it. Their claim to the Vault alone will stop rebellion by other factions. That's when Roland makes an entrance by swinging on a chain. (Where was that even attached to. Who was holding up that Chain? GOD?) He shoots some bullets at Atlas, but he is Protected by a Personal Forcefield. He commands the Crimson Lance to seize them, But Knox refuses. She's about to give a rousing speech, But Atlas vapourizes her with a laser.

Oh, you Thought you could have character development and a Filibuster....IN A CASH GRAB MOVIE?

From a Cliff Lilith Taunts Atlas and He asks why he should fear her.

That's when she teleports Like Tina did and claims what she already knew and denied for so long.

She was Born here on Pandora, therefore Since Pandora use to be called Aridia.

She WAS ALWAYS THE DAUGHTER OF ARIDIA!

And we get the Flashbacks of every bit of lore, the Firehawk drawing is that of a self-portrait of Lilith with wings, her finding the key, her teleporting everyone, NOT TINA! It finally makes sense to Tannis, who was told by Lilith's mother to get her off the planet, ii was to avoid this. But for everyone's safety Lilith will open the vault, as long as Atlas keeps his word not to harm her friends.

So Let's finish this!

(No henna tattoos like the original, because at this point, Roth's focus was on Reshooting Thanksgiving and he did not care at this point!)

Lilith says her goodbyes as opening the Vault is a death Sentence for Aridians, the Debris reforms into a Rip-off Stargate, that turns her into the Firehawk, the Deity of Pandora-Which is just CGI wings and a glowing aura. Decadian demands that she opens the vault, but Lilith is not there anymore, as the Firehawk flames passes through Atlas' shield to knock him down, he orders his minions to throw Tina down a well, So Lilith uses her Do anything Magic powers to save Tina with Telekinesis.

HOORAY! LET'S CELEBRATE WITH MORE POINTLESS SHOOTING AND STUNT-FIGHTING!

Lilith's presence passes her invulnerability to her human friends, but Atlas' spaceship has a laser cannon that is her match, shooting her out of the sky, every friend, now the magic gone is put in mortal danger, until Tannis tells Lilith to pull herself together. Atlas and Lilith have a Beam Struggle that leads to the energy destroying the ship and k*lling every unnamed character. In the smoke caused by the wreckage, Atlas takes Tina as his hostage to coerce Lilith to opening the vault, which she does, Atlas Drags Tina inside the portal chasing Lilith into the Vault. Inside Lilith becomes One with The Force or some crap, teleporting around grabbing his Forcefield generator, Tina stamps on his foot, and Leaves Atlas to be devoured by the Thresher Lilith just teleported into the Vault.

And So Sanctuary City celebrates Like Mardi Gras in Mad Max World!

And so the Film ends with everyone heading to their party, except Lilith and Tina who convinces Lilith to use her divine Birthright to join the fireworks display as Lilith once again states Pandora is still dangerous and a Wasteland, but it's her home.

THIS FILM SUCKS!

Do you know how Eli Roth Showed interest in Directing this film? It wasn't because he was a big Superfan of Borderlands.  

No.

What thing that convinced him was Dogsh*t!

That's not a Metaphor.

His French Bulldog did her business in front of Eli and it lead to her being called Claptrap,  which is why they had that scene in the movie-as an inside joke.

The casting is famously ridiculous, but the characterization and plot is worse. They just took characters from the first 3 games and smush them into a new version of 1. Lilith and Tiny Tina are the focus of course,  but the other characters have little to work with, because we needed to allocate all the Run time to Jack Black singing Tiktok memes in a voice changer. Roland and Knox's rivalry and Knox's face turn? Doesn't happen because Knox is disintegrated before she can speak. Krieg fights Krom, but it makes no impact, as Krom is introduced in the last chapter, with no explanation or build up what's so ever (He is Never named beyond the Credits-That how little they cared!) Just a guy in a white Gasmask fighting a guy in a black Gasmask, looking like a Photo fighting it's negative. Tannis' PTSD and Survivor's Guilt after her parents were killed by Raiders? It's one sentence of Dialogue with Roland telling her to Shut up about the Raiders!

Which brings us to Personalities. Lilith and Roland are flat, Tina is a Brat who is a Chosen One Golden Child who speaks like someone half her age, Krieg speaks Gibberish and Tannis Speaks like someone quoting someone else on the Autism Spectrum. Edgar Rameriz plays the Villian role straight like a Bond Baddy, but he is not Merlin the Magician. He and so many of the actors can only do so much. 

If I can be positive, the costumes looked great and the scenes, filmed in Hungary of all places,  were Stunning but it's all Sizzle and no Steak. Not since Bionicle have a went into a film with no clue going in, and less of one coming out. This film was nominated at the Razzies, but was beaten out of it's nominations by 2 worse films. A film a reviewed before, in Unfrosted and the film I will review next month...

Madame Web!

CREDITS 

Borderlands was Reviewed,  Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli on X) With Media from:

IGN

Borderlands 

One Piece 

Danhausen's Facebook account

Code Lyoko 

Guardians of the Galaxy 

MST3K

Superman Returns 

Forspoken

SHE-RA

All rights Reserved. All Media belongs to their respective owners. 

Borderlands is property of Gearbox and Take2. With the Film produced by Lionsgate.

TICKET TO HELL 2026: RED NOTICE PART 3

THIS POST IS A CONTINUING REVIEW OF A 12 RATED MOVIE, THAT STILL HAS INNUENDO AND VIOLENCE, BUT ALSO SCENES AND DISCUSSIONS OF ANIMAL CRUELTY AND MENTIONS OF RACISTS AND RACISM, AS SUCH CERTAIN WORDS WILL BE EDITED AND CENSORED, AS OF GOOGLE'S TERMS OF SERVICE!

(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!)

(The Bounty Hunter who kidnapped Eamonn, Herr Doctor, is Dead! He was killed by Chesed, who in her transformation from Sentient Relic, became a biomechanical God. 

In her Malfunctioning mind, The Essence of Kindness reverted to her Base Emotion over her Duty, and was using her new powers she stole from Sabaru's blood, to curry favour with humanity by seeing our Greed over land and resources and deciding that can we reversed...by having a second Earth crash into the planet! While all the Superpowers war over the resources they don't have, They fail to see the danger of either Collision or Temporal Erasure. When Herr Doctor was going to killed by being shown the world without him, if not for The Outlaw, who shot him! Then, as expected, "Death" left when things went south for him, he refused to help in what will happen next!)

Meanwhile on the review, we have being going through the infamous RED NOTICE! AKA THE GOLDEN EGG FILM, Rocky's terrible film that has him playing a framed FBI Profiler, John Hartley, who after foiling his nemesis, Nolan Booth (Ryan Reynolds) in stealing the Golden Egg of Cleopatra, has his life and career removed from the Wiki by the dastardly Mastermind "The Bishop" (Gal Gadot) who manipulates them in an offer to work for her to steal the other golden eggs, which they refuse. And when we left off, we are in a masquerade ball of a Spanish Weapons Dealer named Sotto Voce, the current incumbent of the Second Golden Egg. And right now the Bishop is about to seduce the info out of the arms dealer.)

But Agent Hartley won't even let "The Bishop" get to the Slap and Tickle part of her plan, as Voce falls for the Ole-Bump-N-Rob Trope (Can't go wrong with the classics!) as Booth walks past to get to Hartley, we see that he doesn't-Agent Das (Ritu Arya) in Disguise. 

While Busy monologuing to his guests and (Turning from Spanish ESL actor To Sounding like Ian McClennan before our very eyes!), the Bishop is distracted by an over-acted scene between her two marks. Booth hacks the system but he and John only have 45 seconds-and despite Nolan smashing the glass that has Sotto's fingerprints on it by running into Hartley, they break into the vault, but the silent alarm goes off!

That's when Das reveals herself. At Gunpoint she gives Hartley an Ultimatum: Arrest Booth, or turn themselves both in! He feigns putting on cuffs on Booth, then proceeds to kick away Das' Gun. before high-tailing it into the vault and closing the Door.

They Approach the egg, only for "The Bishop" to be there Already- How was she able to get in here and not trip any alarm?

So Anyway Fight scene, The two action stars smash glass, while the comedian can't smash glass at all for what was suppose to be for HEE HEE, HAA HAAS!

I'll Save you 3 minutes by Dilating time to the first of many stupid twists-The so called twist of the Bishop working for Sotto Voce, which is why she can pass without tripping security-Because she IS Security. The scene ends with a fade to black timed to when the two Americans being knocked out by being pistol whipped!

We cut to the catacombs below a Bullfighting Ring where John and Nolan are tied to a vertical pole-Because we need to remind the American audience where we are, and Credit where it's due, Valencia is actually famous for it's bullfighting, rather that just using it as a catch-all Spanish Culture Trope-Though it is a dying Culture and Provinces are following the Canary Islands example of legally Banning  the Bloodsport.

So the plan is torture Hartley to make Booth talk, But since the writers cannot give Booth any Motivation other than "Hom****tic Comic Relief" he keeps spouting unfunny double entredres while the Bishop plans to do something unsavory with a Car Battery.

After Shocking Hartley's Nipples, Booth remains Schtum. Not even when the Bishop "Fries Rocky's Sausage!" (And even more Torturous, Gadot Singing "Downtown!") It's only when Soto starts Choking Hartley, is when Nolan Breaks-The Third egg never left Egypt-It's still Buried in the Hidden Tomb of Cleopatra. And here is the thing that destroys the entire plot to this film, this one line by Gadot.

"HE IS NOT LYING. I HEARD THERE IS A SECRET ROOM IN THE TOMB AND I KNOW WHERE IS IS!"

(HEAVY BREATHING......)

IF YOU KNEW WHERE IT WAS,WHY DID YOU NEED TO RUIN THE CAREER OF A FBI AGENT AND MAKE A DEAL WITH YOUR DIRECT COMPETITION? WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST GET SOTTO VOCE TO RUB OUT BOOTH IN ROME WHEN HE STOLE THE FIRST EGG, IF YOU ARE IN THE BED AND BANKROLL OF THE GUY WHO OWNS THE SECOND EGG? WHY ARE YOU NOT IN EGYPT RIGHT NOW! IF YOU ALWAYS KNEW, WHERE THE THIRD EGG

ALWAYS.

F**KING.

WAS?

AAAARGH!

So to celebrate The Bishop pours her lover some Definitely NOT poisoned Champagne and Voce dies like an Idiot in What Nolan calls "Heist Film Amateur Hour"

HEY! You Cannot be Both Stupid and Self Aware! That's against the Rules!

After beating up a Guard and stealing the 2 golden eggs, the two Americans are still bound at a pole, Voce is not dead, But the gangster with a Napoleon Complex, still dizzy from Hollywood Dr*gs shoots the pole before passing out for good!

The Gangster Missed Every Shot But One, a Shot that Smashed Hartley's cuffs. Booth pleads that he wants to be freed, but John is p*ssed about getting tortured.  That's when Booth reveals he lied to the Bishop-The Egg is not still in Egypt,  because that would be stupid-And that's me saying it, not the characters in the film. John doesn't care about the egg, he just wants The Bishop arrested, but Nolan says too bad, when she Realised she's being Sold a Bill of Goods-She'll come for the egg. So they Need the egg to get to the Bishop.

So they crawl into the Bull Ring and into the view of a green screen Bull. In fact, they just Google mapped the interior of the Valencia Bull Ring, Admittedly one of the few Cities that has year long Bull fights, But the scenes where we are to believe both actors and the Bull are in the same place look as phoney as a Football-Bat!

Stowing away on a train, riding the rails after running for their lifes, Booth still has to the Cryptic And Annoying Jokey Character when John asks him where the last egg is. So John pulls Booth's head put of the moving train to get a straight answer out of him. As a certain Vampire once said...

"I Have No Time for Your Quirks!"

But Booth knows he's not going to be turned Human Graffiti because Hartley is too much of a Goody Good! That's when John exposits on his father-A Conman who abandoned him "Your Dad was a cop, so you became a Crook, my dad was a Crook, so I became a Cop!"

....And Together we can be Justice!

Turns out Booth left out important information in his Backstory-The Reason his father got so uppity about his watch being stolen is that Nolan's father was obsessed with Finding secret N*zi Gold Bunkers in Argentina, The last time the world saw the Third egg of Cleopatra, it was in the hands of H*tler's Art Appraiser, Rudolph Zeich, who hid the Coordinates of the location on the face of a watch. A Watch his father bought in an auction as a quest to find the treasure, a watch his father loved more than his son, A stupid watch that didn't have the right numbers. A watch Booth smashed in his rage after his father passed to even learn this.

So Johnston lets Reynolds onto the Jumanji Set to film a jungle scene, to save money. After the Clichéd "I Had The Map Upside-down" bit, Hartley throws the compass he was holding onto the jungle floor in annoyance, which makes a loud "CLANG!"

They Dig in the dirt and uncover a Certain Symbol. Twisting a valve they uncover a spiral staircase. Using the watch which Nolan had fixed they open a magnetic Lock to a vault filled with long lost Treasures from all over. We get Hartley and Booth setting up both Chekov's Car and Chekov's Copper Mines. They find the egg but Nolan immediately drops it-Because the Comedy Writers have no self control even for the main plot!

That's when the Bishop appears from nowhere. And you are probably wondering how she figured out Nolan lied to her and how she found the Bunker without the Zeich Watch or come here without giving it away that they were being followed!

.......

So Anyway!

If that wasn't enough, Interpol are here too! And they start shooting up the place. So the three fugitives take the Death Wagon they set up last scene (Aren't you glad they found it?) To escape down the mine shaft in the Predictable car chase scene, that ends with a Cave Behind A Waterfall, Das looks out, convinced they are all dead, but Sadly Nolan surfaces with the egg, but there is no sign of Hartley. Booth has grown a Consiense and tries to find him in the water,  but Hartley is already on land! HOORAY!

But so is the Bishop-BOO!

Nolan Gloats to the Bishop, And Hartley Arrests Her with 18 minutes of run time to spare.

IT WOULD BE A SHAME IF THEY ADDED A TWIST SO UNBELIEVABLY STUPID AT THIS POINT OF THE MOV-

OH F**K RIGHT OFF!

So...Say hello to John and Sarah Hartley...AKA "THE BISHOPS" They had setup Interpol and Booth from the start to have each other at their throats. Every fight-choreographed, every word to each other-filled with double meaning. Even the Torture, though real, was the only way Sarah could pass the key to John's Cuffs. When Booth is Cuffed to a tree, he asks John if everything was a lie, John says not all of it-His Dad is a Con artist and he does hate him, but only because he can do better than him! And Now he's off to Egypt to gift the eggs to Nolan's Client to take the Credit from the crime boss on the night of his Daughter's Wedding and Politically announce his Divine right To rule.

And Soon, a Lavish spectacle is given in Cairo, as the 3 eggs are put on display-Only for the bride Not to care-Ed Sheeran was hired to be the wedding singer and the Nepo-Bride couldn't give a monkey's about Father's Maxie Zeus Style Delusions. However, it was a Set-up by the Hartleys as they watch all this whilst posing as guests, to have Interpol arrest the Crime Boss finally through legal channels, as the third Egg is Now N**i gold and illegal to possess. Soon the Crimeboss, Cleopatra and Ed Sheeran are arrested, 

Especially when Sheeran did a Jeff Jarrett and hit a cop over the head with a Guitar when he learned he wasn't getting paid!

Six Months later in Sardinia and the Rock and Gal Gadot are in Sexy Swimsuits being a Sexy Couple in a boat, when they return from their swim, Booth is aboard. He reveals his own M Sh*te Sh*ttyfilm twist-He was arrested by Das, escaped custody, but found Hartley's joint Cayman Island Account which he gave to Das who has Frozen the Assets of. But he has a Deal of his own...the Worst Thing Possible...Sequel Bait!

And So, the film Ends With our 3 Idiots Line Walking towards the Louvre, For the Sequel that has already being greenlit-FFS!

THIS FILM SUCKS!

Forget WWE'S Involvement, This film was destined to tank hard!

Gadot and the Rock are such Black Holes of Charisma, It means Reynolds has to overcompensate for them, by turning up Bad Qu**rcoded dialogue to almost "Carry-on" Film levels. The amount of twists in this film made this feel like the Heist Episode of Rick and Morty, but without the self-awareness of it was made by people making a point we are all sick of heist movies. Of Course since this was Produced by Seven Bucks, Johnson had to the Executive Producer so he had to make himself look cooler than everyone else, and making him the focal point to the film's plot and progression-something I never seen in a Mcguffin film!

In short WWE Shouldn't be blamed for Torpedoing this franchise.

THEY DID A FINE JOB OF IT THEMSELVES!

CREDITS 

Red Notice was Reviewed Compiled and Edited into 3 parts by Eamonn Bermingham.

With Media from in part 1:

Red Notice

WWE 

Slim Jim (This Post is not Sponsored!)

Figure four Wrestling podcast

Army Of The Dead

Wikipedia 

Star Trek Deep Space Nine

In Part 2:

Dracula Flow

Dragonball Z and Dragonball Z Abridged 

Red Notice 

Elio

And in Part 3:

Power Rangers Super Megaforce and History of Power Rangers

Buffy The Vampire Slayer 

Atop The Fourth Wall

Red Notice

The Angry Joe Show

All Media used belong to their respective owners. All rights Reserved. 

Red Notice was Produced by Seven Bucks Studios For Netflix. 

NEXT TIME! ONLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!

Earlier this year we did the best of 2025, so it's only fair the next 2 films are the worst of last year, July will see Madame Web get hers. But not before we see a Video game warning us about Corporate Greed and Stupidity, get it's Film Adaption ruined by Corporate Greed and Stupidity! As in June I review Borderlands!

AND NOW THE FINAL CHAPTER TO THE TWO DEATHS OF E!

THE FINAL CHAPTER PART THREE 

What once was Whole, now flown Apart! 

Not dwelling on the escape of the Outlaw, all the remaining heroes and villians drew their weapons to deal with Chesed. However those who encountered the Cosmic Entities before were worried. After all, Gods they maybe, but they were first and foremost, Children with no pertinent Skills or Combat experience. 

Then there was Edwin and Sabaru. 

Edwin killed Rage years ago and was now it's unwilling Vessel, the Frustration of Eamonn sparing Increasingly stronger foes and it's influence, turned What was once a one note character into a vengeful weapon maker with a sick sense of humour. 

Then there was Sabaru, who unlike all the villians Eamonn Fought, actually won! In a plan that was years in the making, Sabaru avenged Demons by creating a faux Heroes league, using gaslighting and False Drama to stockpile negativity to the final plan, executing a defeat of her heroes at one time to create a fear so potent, those who lost faith, became monsters, and virulent agents to spread more despair.

And would have remained Victorious, had Sabaru choose her words carefully. But I suppose saying you have "All the Faith in the World" in something when your plan is to remove hope and faith, was one hell of an oversight. 

And her being Outsmarted by Fecking Joe-Jack will never not be funny!

Then there was Yusef.  Sure, he was heroic as the day is long, but still a mercenary. Though he wanted to return to his Earth...even it was a Dystopia.

Eamonn also didn't want to admit that our world can lean towards that any time soon!

Why Do you want to Stop me? Chesed Said with an added sugary tone. It didn't match the arrogant words of someone who claimed to have Humanity's Best Interest at heart. 

Don't you see? I am providing you with the Solutions. More Fields for the Starving! More shelter for the Homeless!

...More Oil for the Greedy! More Displaced People for Exploitation! More countless, pointless Deaths to appease the False God who wants to rid the world of Pointless Deaths! 

You still believe that I am not being earnest, that I truly do not have your species best interests?

YA, WE DUZ!

What chance you have? Just accept the Rulership of the Kinder Reality!

Jusef Loaded his flintlock to blast Chesed, but she used her powers to turn the shot into a bouquet of flowers. Which she caught with both hands and smelt them in a teasing manner!

This annoyed Sabaru as it was her blood Chesed stole to be even able to do this.

Get yourself your own act, honey! That's rule 1 of A magical Villain.

-Oh? and what's Rule 2?

Any spell can be used against you!

With that the bouquet turned into a hornet's nest and the contents grew into humanoid hornet soldiers. Only for the Hornets to take the heroes Hostage.

You dare? As the Essence of Kindness, all life I make are loyal to me, no matter if what was made is remade by others!

So they are your Slaves? Do you not see how cruel that is? 

You are right.

I believe my programming is starting to bring me back to my senses. I have acted foolishly by thinking the world would be Saved by stealing another Earth to appease Humanity's worse impulses.

....WHY STOP ON ONE PLANET? WHEN I CAN DRAW AS MANY, TIL I CAN HELP EVERY SINGLE ONE! A PLANET FOR EVERY LEADER OF THIS WORLD! WORLDS WITH A SUPERPOWERED EMPIRE ON EACH, NO MORE WARS WHEN EVERYONE HAS ALL THEY WANT!

....That's not gonna stop the worse of those who are in power! Why can't you see that? And a world for every one leader! What? Would that be 100 world's colliding into this one. 

And least a hundred? We Need a proper read out, because we haven't factored the gravitational force that will be applied to this planet. 

Using his 3d glasses.  Edwin scanned The Internet search engines for the answer.

Earth currently has 195 Countries!

WHAT? WE ARE GOING TO BE BOMBARDED 200 MORE EARTHS?

I need that many? Very Well! 

(Chesed raised her arms and widened them to an acute angle, the power was too much as it fluxes out and back into her third eye like an electrical current. The sky darkened further, as more planets, not as many as nearly 200 at once descended, but they still blocked the sun and those who could breathe to survive, saw cold air leave their mouths.

Do you not see what you are doing? This is madness!

Chesed only cried, whether it was out of her mind finding it's clarity, noone could tell, but she couldn't stop!

Rock fragments from colliding Planets fell towards the two, Yusef was the only one close on his hovercycle, he pushed both Eamonn and Chesed out of the way, and into the line of fire. 

Knocked off his bike, which spun into another crag and exploded onto the rock face, Yusef was pinned by the rocks and both legs and his left arm were shattered. He would scream out, but his breathing had become laboured with the weight on his body.

YUSEF!

No! KNOT FANCY ME! CMON, WE HAVE TO SAVE HIM!

....

EIGHTIES LAD, IT'S YUSEF! DON'T HAVE A SOUL LEFT IN DERE, YA B*****D?! IZ DERE IZ NUTTIN' LEFF OV DA BOY WHO VOWED HE WOZ NOTHING LIOKE DA EDWIN TANTALOS WHO RUINED HIS WORLD! HE HAD TO SEE HIS MIS'ER EAMONN TURN EVIL! TO HAVE TO CHOOSERS TA KILL HIM DESPITE BEING HIS FRIEN'! YA HAVE TO OWE HIM DAT MUCH AT LEAST.

You are Right....I may never be only Edwin anymore, even in Death, but I can save him. I have no plans to Betray you in your time of need.

He tapped some buttons on his belt. Soon, his attack Drones would self-destruct to loosen the stones, with Sabaru contorting her arms to those of A gorilla to lighten the load further.

Please, Chesed sobbed, the reality setting In she done wrong. You need to stop me!

aND iT hAS aLREADY cAME. tHEY jUST hAD tO nOTICE?

Who had to notice? Notice What?

oTHERS lIKE uS. wHO jUST nOTICED sOMEONE eLSE hAD tHERE tOYS! 

That's when glowing hands that looked like those of babies grabbed the other Earths with a Childish declaration of "MINE!" The cosmic Entities of those world's claimed their property. In hell, Ostrich saw the population of His Domain be expelled by the souls from the World, the Earth was reverting back to normal. The sights of the second Earth in the sky were treated by the world leaders as a ruse by their enemies, which they denied, and by a week, It will no doubt be a punchline and memed on. The world will continue once it forgot the Scam which was the second Earth in the Sky!

But to those who were there, The Battle of 200 Worlds would be no Joke, Not for Jusef Commonman, who needed Cybernetics to Function. Thankfully Edwin and The Appraisers, using Chesed as a volunteer fitted his Body with Cyborganic parts to continue his Fight. This surgery was enough to revert Chesed back into a Canister on wheels, but Now Hosting a Heart, Her Heart, A more Fitting Treasure of the Essence of Kindness to be. 

And so everyone was Returned, Eamonn now remembered was no longer prisoner of the Appraisers of Will, Edwin and Sabaru were returned to the Discard Dimension for their crimes and Once a hoverbike was created for Jusef, he would return to Earth-3 To continue his mission for Justice!

Jusef flew over New London (Formerly Dublin!) when his body just exploded into half eaten food and Dead rats!

(...In the Discard Dimension!)

THINK THEY FELL FOR IT?

OH ABSOLUTELY! MY CLONE MADE SURE TO TELL OUR FORMER ALLIES NOT TO FOLLOW HIM TO EARTH 3!

THEY ARE NONE THE WISER

WELL, THAT IS FANTASTIC NEWS, BABE! I'M MORE SURPRISED WITH MYSELF THOUGH, THAT I COULD SEE MY WORK COME TO ME AND NOT REACT WHEN I SEE IT

Edwin was Tinkering with something on the floor, he had smuggled robot parts when he worked on "Jusef" and here in his Prison, he ironically took a captive as he worked on him.

TAA-DAH! WHAT DO YOU THINK MY FRIEND? AS I TOLD JOE-JACK, I HAVE NO PLANS IN BETRAYING THEM IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED!

On the Floor was Jusef, his body stiff and he couldn't see what Edwin did, he was shouting abuse at his "Saviour". When he saw his hands were segmented as doll joints, He knew what Edwin did and what he meant by "Seeing his work". 

THE OUTLAW.

THE PUPPET WHO CLAIMED TO THE DEATH.

IT WAS NO LONGER HIS FUTURE SELF!

IT WAS HIS NEW PRESENT REALITY!

THE END...FOR NOW!