(Since Joe-Jack is reviewing. as Poetic Licence, all spelling mistakes are intentional)
This months theme-"mysterious Ways" by U2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxDTUMLQJI&ob=av2e
(THE STORY SO FAR...
THE TICKET TO HELL EVENT IS OVER AND DESPITE THE OUTCOME OF THE BATTLE, A CASULTY. 80'S LAD, BBO'S RESIDENT TALKING HEAD, IS MISSING.
-Hey Eamonn
-Yes?
-Y'remember dat dis use t'be my blog?
-Yes?
'ow come you keep reviewin' filliums?
-It's not my fault! The Film lined up are one i've seen, remember or in my social circle of video games, comics and pro wrestling, i can make jokes off. Jokes, As a culchie you never touched water unless its mixed with yeast and hops, Would never get.
-C'mon one review in a while won't kill ya!
-Fine, You can have June.
-Sound! Wot I doin'?
-You're doing Constantine, a film Based on a comicbook
-AH SHITE!
(Days later as he is writting the review.)
HELLO SOFT CHAPS AGED 16-30! WHO WANTZ FILLIUMS BASED ON KOMIKAL BUKES?
I Don't have tiome t'read komik bukes. O'mi too busy BEING A MAN!
-Joe-Jack, did you wantz Spaggetti Hups wif ya chips?
NO MAMMY! I WANTZ ALPHABETTI SPAGETTHI!
....Okay maybe i was wrong to say ye are all Soft boyz for reading komikal bukes, as a lot of filliums in the past 10+ years. But while the major heroes outing are major hits...Any filliums of Minor charecters have being that...minor, No Matter who you have actin' in it.
Dis month we are looking at Constantine. It's here Oi'm readin' from a note Eamonn gave me.
John Constantine is the hero of British comic, Vertigo/Dc's comic, Hellblazer. John a punk-rock front man turned detective/demon hunter fights demonic forces as well as the crititisms of the ghosts of everyone he held dear. It started great enough with a balanced blend of horror and Btitish pop culture...then it got weird in crossover with Swamp thing as he need John to be a sperm donar...Despite that Hellblazer is a great choice of humour and horror.
So when ya make a film about an Englishman, hire an American actor t'play him!
So text at the films begining tells us abou' Da Spear of Destiny, Da McGuffin everyone is looking for. We start in Mexico in a burnt down chruch. A man finds da spear and listens to it. Mesmerized, Da man runs out to a open road. when he is run over by a car. However he survives.
Cut t'Los Angeles (SYMBOLISM!), A mother finds her daughter possessed. So after a priest fails to exorcise her. he calls in John Constantine(Reeves). Whose exorisin' method consists ov straddin' a teenage girl, burning her with a medalion and punching her. We cut t'John's drivah Chazz(played by Annoying Sidekick typecast Shia Labeof)John Traps the demon in a mirror and throws it out the window. John leaves but spies a picture of the spear by the girl.
Returning home, Constantine puts out his fag and lights a new one.I heard of chain-smokin' but this is ridicoulous.
We cut t'Rachael Weisz in comfession, she has just killed "another" man as her job as a cop. She also has a reaccuring dream that she is a mental patient that that kills herself. At the same time John wakes and voms blood.
It turns out that John has lung cancer but was saved 20 years ago. but continues to smoke.
(And the Darwin award goes to...)
It turns out that the dream that Angie(weisz) had was a premonition of her twin Isabella(also Weisz) commiting suicide from the roof of the same hospital John is in. Meanwhile the spear-holder literally jumps da border as its presences kills a whole field of CGI cows. Makin' these dyin' cows look realitik by komparsion!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r73_tUHjwmg
Johns to his Q, Leman that gives him his weapons. Buulets for his cruxifix shaped gun, holy water, A schreach-Beetle and a Dragon's breath flamethrower.
Cut to a chruch libary John and Angie meet but while Angie is arranging her sister's funeral, John has come to see Gabriel(twilda swindon). Da angel is not helpful speaking and acting more like a beareaucrat than as a confort.John has being hunting demons to get into Heaven but his cancer is terminal.
At her house, Angie gets prank calls on her phone. John gets attacked by a yoke completely made ov bugs. John goes t'Papa Midnight's, a bar fer magical creatures, t'use a Magical chair, while there he is confronted by da filliums bad guy- Belphazer, a Gay Steve Carrell lookalike....ooh scary!
Aftah sufferin' a coughin' spree, Angie tries t'hire John but he's such an ass that she walks away. But then a blackout summons demons but john uses his Dragon's breath to kill em.
Aftah investagating Isabella body da priest is cursed not be able t'drink causin' him t'go mad. He dies As Gay Not-Carrell looks on.
John exposistes on his life, how he sees things from an early age, How toppin' himself only made it worse, and how Angels and demons pull Humanites heart-strings.
Seachin' through Isabella's room they find a passage in the Satanic bible, speaking of da rise of Mammon, da divil's son. Naturally because in true Hellblazah fashion, a sidekick of constantine is killed for gettin' too close. and is eaten alive by incests.
Back to the Spear-holder, da Mexican steals a car
YAY RASCISM!
After Initating Angie in a ritual, She finds Belphezar's coin in Leman's office.
NOW IT'S ON!
Belphazer is beaten half t'death but tells john dat da blood ov christ on da spear will be used t'raise Mammon. Demonic forces take Angie. And John Returns t'Papa Midnight's t'use Da Chair.
Da Chair is an'Letric Chair used t'teleport John straight t'hell.Finding out dat da rebirth is at the hospital. Chazz bless the sprinkler water and john sets them off destroyin' da demons guards.
The spearbearer sends Angie to hell and mamon posseses her. but a failer exorcism instead impregnates her with Mammon. Chazz helps but is killed by gabriel who has turned on god as she thinks she can do his job better.
John summons da Divil who kills gabriel and mammon. but as soon as heswitches his souls with isabella to get to heaven. The divil's curses him with immortality. And the film ends wif John Givin' her the spear t'hide.
The real problem with this film is it's script One would be mistaken by some of it's wording that it is a sequel. It's not. It's just shitty writing despite its star power and legit scares, for its piss-pour script and lack of DVD EXTRAS IT GETS AN a-RATING
a fer awful.
Dis is John Jack da culchie saying
GET OFF MY LAND!
*GUNSHOT*
CREDITS
Constantine was written by, as Joe-Jack, compiled and edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With Footage and music
Crusha
Mysterious Ways by u2 couresty of Vevo
Hellblazer is property of Vertigo/DC Comics and Constantine is produced by Warner bros.
boggerbox office is not affliated with Crusha Drinks company.
Follow me at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
Friday, June 1, 2012
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Offical Ending to Silent hill review.
Thank you all for your page views and with 59 page views. you have chose this as your offical ending
ENDING #3(41-60 VIEWS)
UFO ENDING-THE VISITORS
(We cut to Joe-Jack's farm in Butt-craic, west of Ireland. An Alien tractor-beam sends to party of aliens to Joe-jack door and they knock.
WOTYAWANT?
Greetings human. We have come from a distant world many light-years away. We have come on a message of Peace. Bearing Gifts that will end War, Plague,Poverty and Famine. As our duly appointed representative. What do you say?
GET OFF MY LAND!
*GUNSHOT* THAT TAKES THE ALIEN'S HEAD CLEAN OFF!
-Joe-jack, who woz dat at the door?
-No-one Mammy! Just some Jehovah'z Witnesses!
(Over head an armada of SaucerS start destroying everything)
THANKS FOR PLAYING!
GAME OVER!
ENDING #3(41-60 VIEWS)
UFO ENDING-THE VISITORS
(We cut to Joe-Jack's farm in Butt-craic, west of Ireland. An Alien tractor-beam sends to party of aliens to Joe-jack door and they knock.
WOTYAWANT?
Greetings human. We have come from a distant world many light-years away. We have come on a message of Peace. Bearing Gifts that will end War, Plague,Poverty and Famine. As our duly appointed representative. What do you say?
GET OFF MY LAND!
*GUNSHOT* THAT TAKES THE ALIEN'S HEAD CLEAN OFF!
-Joe-jack, who woz dat at the door?
-No-one Mammy! Just some Jehovah'z Witnesses!
(Over head an armada of SaucerS start destroying everything)
THANKS FOR PLAYING!
GAME OVER!
Friday, May 18, 2012
over the limit predictions and mini update.
All matches are in title importance.
WWE championship
Cm punk(c) vs Daniel Bryan.
my money on. Punk has being champion for nearly a year now. Bryan is now riding high using the Power of Meme. Just like Punk was last year. Except the Yes chant has transenced just bryan it has being used when something the IWC See's something they like. Point in case(Street fighter FTW!~). I won€6 on stratch cards my response. A Yes! chant! In Summary, Bryan to win cos he's on a tear.
world championship.
Lame-ass the Butt-kiss-uh!(c) vs Blandy Bore-ton vs ADR vs Chris "mr 3rd rate rock frontman" Jericho.
And it's spelt like this G-E-N-E-R-I-C.
Garish Butterfly Championship!
Fail-a (c) vs Beth Phionex
Last month. after being deafened by chants of "WeWant Kharma!" We did get the return of a former Afican-American Women's champion-Expect it wasn't Kharma.
It was Layla. Who became champion in 2 minutes.
AND NOT A SINGLE FUCK WAS GIVEN ON THAT NIGHT!
i Don't beleieve that Beth is 100% and i believe the booking will reflect that but still if Layla wins on Monday morning (gmt). NOT A SINGLE FUCK WILL BE GIVEN ON THAT NIGHT!
And your main event.
John FUCKING Cena vs John FUCKING (Most the Divas) Laurinitaus
if Rubber Johnny Loses he is fired.
with means he will win. or Shitunga will cause a run-in giving Cena a dq win. Because we are not IDIOTS ,(LIKE THE) WWE BOOKING COMMITEE!
(SORRY THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE PUBLISHED ON pathofenlightment.blogspot.com but i was put here by mistake. My Bad!)
WWE championship
Cm punk(c) vs Daniel Bryan.
my money on. Punk has being champion for nearly a year now. Bryan is now riding high using the Power of Meme. Just like Punk was last year. Except the Yes chant has transenced just bryan it has being used when something the IWC See's something they like. Point in case(Street fighter FTW!~). I won€6 on stratch cards my response. A Yes! chant! In Summary, Bryan to win cos he's on a tear.
world championship.
Lame-ass the Butt-kiss-uh!(c) vs Blandy Bore-ton vs ADR vs Chris "mr 3rd rate rock frontman" Jericho.
And it's spelt like this G-E-N-E-R-I-C.
Garish Butterfly Championship!
Fail-a (c) vs Beth Phionex
Last month. after being deafened by chants of "WeWant Kharma!" We did get the return of a former Afican-American Women's champion-Expect it wasn't Kharma.
It was Layla. Who became champion in 2 minutes.
AND NOT A SINGLE FUCK WAS GIVEN ON THAT NIGHT!
i Don't beleieve that Beth is 100% and i believe the booking will reflect that but still if Layla wins on Monday morning (gmt). NOT A SINGLE FUCK WILL BE GIVEN ON THAT NIGHT!
And your main event.
John FUCKING Cena vs John FUCKING (Most the Divas) Laurinitaus
if Rubber Johnny Loses he is fired.
with means he will win. or Shitunga will cause a run-in giving Cena a dq win. Because we are not IDIOTS ,(LIKE THE) WWE BOOKING COMMITEE!
(SORRY THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE PUBLISHED ON pathofenlightment.blogspot.com but i was put here by mistake. My Bad!)
Monday, May 14, 2012
Eamonn reviews Silent Hill Part 3
This weeks theme: Betrayal from silent hill 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkvJY-YfELs
No no no! We've established this is Silent Hill in name only. i want a theme thats as far way as this film has become.
this weeks theme- the catchiest song in the world http://youtube.com/watch?v=2Fpc4AUaHhY8=av2e
To finalise this review, Rose hurtles down Disneyland's Tower of Terror ride as the Fanatics Beat Cybill half to death.
Down in the hospital, Rose is confronted by a chorus-line of the games other well known monsters-The Nurses.
Backstory!
the nurses are representatives of sex. In this cause Alessa raped by the Janitor.
So as the nurses walk suggestivly towards Rose, orgasming at every step. Until Rose jostles into one making them all kill each other. Rose runs towards the next door and greeted by a blinding ligh-OW MY RETINAS!
After an hour of this piss pour horror the only thing that made me flinch is a white screen.
Finally in the light, Alessa voice gives us the backstory, Alessa was born out of wedlock, so she was bullied by childern, raped by Janitor and sacrificed by the order because Christabella convinced everyone that an artistic mind is a evil mind.but instead of killing the child to exorcise a demon, A demon turned Alessa into a Living Magical weapon. Alessa's last act of humanity was to separate Sharon, Herself and the Reaper into 3 forms so her goodness (sharon) would have the love she was denied.
The Reaper angry that he was summoned by the blood child posesses a willing rose to enter the church. In the Church, Sharon and Cybill are tied to pyres. Cybill turns into demon and is burnt to death without flames touching her.
ERR...WHY?
We know Cybill gets turned into a monster in SH1 but you can cure before actually killing her.
So Rose returns to tell the Order to let Sharon go before the reaper frees itself from her. Chistabella retorts. with her knife.
But this summons the reaper from below. Alessa's hospital bed springs on a jungle of barbed wire choking and killing all the order, Starting with Christabella who is raped by wire and torn apart.
Time to wrap this up.
The order, reaper and alessa are gone, Sharon and rose return home but there home is covered in mist.While Chris scenes of home is not. So are they dead? are they Alive but still in other world? seriously what the fuck is going on in this ending?
THIS FILM SUCKS!
WHERE, OH, WHERE DO I EVEN START?
Roger Avary's screenplay did what Scott Einesien's comics did. It made it a parody of itself. The lack of lighting when done right, should added to the scares. Instead half the time I couldn't make out what was going on. Then the monsters. they are not scary. In the games the monsters appear from nowhere and attack from all angles. Here, their appearance is built up and given musical accompliment.
Pyramid head's rape and killing of Anna would be more gruesome if an orchestra didn't play in the background.
So in closing, I came in with a limited of Silent Hill, and now i feel i know less if that's possible.
NOW ITS UP TO YOU TO END THIS STORYLINE!
IN TRUE SILENT HILL FASHION, EAMONN HAS WRITTEN 5 ENDINGS. BUT ONLY 1 WILL BE CHOSEN, TO CHOOSE A MORE SUITABLE OUTCOME, WE NEED YOUR PAGEVIEWS.
YOUR PAGE VIEWS WILL COMPLETELY CHANGE ALL SUBSEQUENT REVIEWS AND STORYLINES FOREVER. GET INVOLVED!
CREDITS
Silent Hill review was written, edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
with Music from Silent hill1"My Heaven" in part 1,
"Angel's Thatantos" from silent hill 2 in part 2,
And betrayal also from Silent hill 2
and "Disco Romancing" aka the World's Most Catchiest song by elena
all clips belong to there respected owners.
Silent Hill is a property of Konami, Distrubuted by Pathe Films
all rights reserved.
Follow me on Youtube at http:www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkvJY-YfELs
No no no! We've established this is Silent Hill in name only. i want a theme thats as far way as this film has become.
this weeks theme- the catchiest song in the world http://youtube.com/watch?v=2Fpc4AUaHhY8=av2e
To finalise this review, Rose hurtles down Disneyland's Tower of Terror ride as the Fanatics Beat Cybill half to death.
Down in the hospital, Rose is confronted by a chorus-line of the games other well known monsters-The Nurses.
Backstory!
the nurses are representatives of sex. In this cause Alessa raped by the Janitor.
So as the nurses walk suggestivly towards Rose, orgasming at every step. Until Rose jostles into one making them all kill each other. Rose runs towards the next door and greeted by a blinding ligh-OW MY RETINAS!
After an hour of this piss pour horror the only thing that made me flinch is a white screen.
Finally in the light, Alessa voice gives us the backstory, Alessa was born out of wedlock, so she was bullied by childern, raped by Janitor and sacrificed by the order because Christabella convinced everyone that an artistic mind is a evil mind.but instead of killing the child to exorcise a demon, A demon turned Alessa into a Living Magical weapon. Alessa's last act of humanity was to separate Sharon, Herself and the Reaper into 3 forms so her goodness (sharon) would have the love she was denied.
The Reaper angry that he was summoned by the blood child posesses a willing rose to enter the church. In the Church, Sharon and Cybill are tied to pyres. Cybill turns into demon and is burnt to death without flames touching her.
ERR...WHY?
We know Cybill gets turned into a monster in SH1 but you can cure before actually killing her.
So Rose returns to tell the Order to let Sharon go before the reaper frees itself from her. Chistabella retorts. with her knife.
But this summons the reaper from below. Alessa's hospital bed springs on a jungle of barbed wire choking and killing all the order, Starting with Christabella who is raped by wire and torn apart.
Time to wrap this up.
The order, reaper and alessa are gone, Sharon and rose return home but there home is covered in mist.While Chris scenes of home is not. So are they dead? are they Alive but still in other world? seriously what the fuck is going on in this ending?
THIS FILM SUCKS!
WHERE, OH, WHERE DO I EVEN START?
Roger Avary's screenplay did what Scott Einesien's comics did. It made it a parody of itself. The lack of lighting when done right, should added to the scares. Instead half the time I couldn't make out what was going on. Then the monsters. they are not scary. In the games the monsters appear from nowhere and attack from all angles. Here, their appearance is built up and given musical accompliment.
Pyramid head's rape and killing of Anna would be more gruesome if an orchestra didn't play in the background.
So in closing, I came in with a limited of Silent Hill, and now i feel i know less if that's possible.
NOW ITS UP TO YOU TO END THIS STORYLINE!
IN TRUE SILENT HILL FASHION, EAMONN HAS WRITTEN 5 ENDINGS. BUT ONLY 1 WILL BE CHOSEN, TO CHOOSE A MORE SUITABLE OUTCOME, WE NEED YOUR PAGEVIEWS.
YOUR PAGE VIEWS WILL COMPLETELY CHANGE ALL SUBSEQUENT REVIEWS AND STORYLINES FOREVER. GET INVOLVED!
CREDITS
Silent Hill review was written, edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
with Music from Silent hill1"My Heaven" in part 1,
"Angel's Thatantos" from silent hill 2 in part 2,
And betrayal also from Silent hill 2
and "Disco Romancing" aka the World's Most Catchiest song by elena
all clips belong to there respected owners.
Silent Hill is a property of Konami, Distrubuted by Pathe Films
all rights reserved.
Follow me on Youtube at http:www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
Monday, May 7, 2012
Eamonn reviews Silent Hill Part 2
(This week's theme-Angel's Thanatos from Silent Hill 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZUTIMtxzj8
To continue where we left off, The Air Raid sirens cause all the stalls to rust. This brigs the body of the Janitor back to life as a contorted Zombie it's Touch summons cockroaches that eats the Minors alive. Rose finds Alessa before she can get closer, a partition behind her gives way and she falls through it.
Back in Real Silent Hill, Det.Gucci and Chris are looking for Rose and Sharon topside. Back in Otherworld,the Problems for Rose continue as she is cornered by Silent hill's most well known enemies.
(Papier Mache) Pyramid Head.
BACKSTORY!
(Pyramid Head represents man's rage and dominance over all things. It was summoned by Chris' feelings to find Sahron only to to divorce Rose.)
Rose runs out of the schools furnace room while in reality, she passes by the 2 men. Just when all hope is lost Cybil rescues Rose from the cockroaches. However the Siren blares again, Destroying the Roaches. As Cybil releases Rose's handcuffs, Rose pulls a piece of Marble from her ass with "hotel" carved in it and says Sharon is kept there.
Heading to the Grand Hotel. Rose comes across Dhlia again being chased by another survivor called Anna, Who talks about a "Christabella" that rules the town.
And somewhere in Minnesota,Linkara is having a heart-attack!
BACKSTORY!
This not the first time Silent Hill has being put in a medium it didn't belong in. Scott Einensen created a series of Silent Hill comic which, like this film is Silent Hill in Name Only! The main anatagonist in this crappy comic is a whiney, potty-mouthed Dead child called Christabella. Iwould tell you more but Linkara's Atop The 4th Wall does it a lot better than I could!
Finding a picture by sharon in a pigeon hole for room 111 and taking anna with them. They can't find the room. However. seeing the picture is of Sharon being burnt at the stake. Make roses check the picture in the hotel/ it lead to a secret passage and Rose loses Anna's Knife down a chasm because the plot says so.
Finding themselves In a Mannequin Factory they corner Alessa. Rose, Dong her best balancing act over a Bluescreen, Gets to the creepy dopelganger. Alessa shows off her fiery powers but it's only an illusion. The Air Raid Siren Goes off once more And Anna drags the others to the church. the other survivorspush the 3 women and Dhlia outside the church. Dahlia summons Papier Mache Pyramid Head to Kill Anna By using his powers to turn her into a cheap looking CGI effect and Ripping her skin off.
The Townspeople call the women witches, but Christabella Intervenes tending to rose while really pick-pocketing her locket.Rose is shocked that the church is the source of the Siren.
Meanwhile Chistopher is at the orphanage when they adopted Sharon for clues about Silent Hill. He accuses Gucci of leading him astray because he's from Silent Hill.
FORESHADOWING HAS ARRIVED!
But does tell Him that Alessa was indeed sacrificed by the Church of The Order.
Christabella tells Roses that if Sharon is anywhere she would have being taking to the Hospital or The Heart of Darkness. Christabella sees the photo of Sharon and calls Rose a witch. Cybill fights of the fantics as roses heads down the lift Into Part 3 into the Heart of Darkness.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZUTIMtxzj8
To continue where we left off, The Air Raid sirens cause all the stalls to rust. This brigs the body of the Janitor back to life as a contorted Zombie it's Touch summons cockroaches that eats the Minors alive. Rose finds Alessa before she can get closer, a partition behind her gives way and she falls through it.
Back in Real Silent Hill, Det.Gucci and Chris are looking for Rose and Sharon topside. Back in Otherworld,the Problems for Rose continue as she is cornered by Silent hill's most well known enemies.
(Papier Mache) Pyramid Head.
BACKSTORY!
(Pyramid Head represents man's rage and dominance over all things. It was summoned by Chris' feelings to find Sahron only to to divorce Rose.)
Rose runs out of the schools furnace room while in reality, she passes by the 2 men. Just when all hope is lost Cybil rescues Rose from the cockroaches. However the Siren blares again, Destroying the Roaches. As Cybil releases Rose's handcuffs, Rose pulls a piece of Marble from her ass with "hotel" carved in it and says Sharon is kept there.
Heading to the Grand Hotel. Rose comes across Dhlia again being chased by another survivor called Anna, Who talks about a "Christabella" that rules the town.
And somewhere in Minnesota,Linkara is having a heart-attack!
BACKSTORY!
This not the first time Silent Hill has being put in a medium it didn't belong in. Scott Einensen created a series of Silent Hill comic which, like this film is Silent Hill in Name Only! The main anatagonist in this crappy comic is a whiney, potty-mouthed Dead child called Christabella. Iwould tell you more but Linkara's Atop The 4th Wall does it a lot better than I could!
Finding a picture by sharon in a pigeon hole for room 111 and taking anna with them. They can't find the room. However. seeing the picture is of Sharon being burnt at the stake. Make roses check the picture in the hotel/ it lead to a secret passage and Rose loses Anna's Knife down a chasm because the plot says so.
Finding themselves In a Mannequin Factory they corner Alessa. Rose, Dong her best balancing act over a Bluescreen, Gets to the creepy dopelganger. Alessa shows off her fiery powers but it's only an illusion. The Air Raid Siren Goes off once more And Anna drags the others to the church. the other survivorspush the 3 women and Dhlia outside the church. Dahlia summons Papier Mache Pyramid Head to Kill Anna By using his powers to turn her into a cheap looking CGI effect and Ripping her skin off.
The Townspeople call the women witches, but Christabella Intervenes tending to rose while really pick-pocketing her locket.Rose is shocked that the church is the source of the Siren.
Meanwhile Chistopher is at the orphanage when they adopted Sharon for clues about Silent Hill. He accuses Gucci of leading him astray because he's from Silent Hill.
FORESHADOWING HAS ARRIVED!
But does tell Him that Alessa was indeed sacrificed by the Church of The Order.
Christabella tells Roses that if Sharon is anywhere she would have being taking to the Hospital or The Heart of Darkness. Christabella sees the photo of Sharon and calls Rose a witch. Cybill fights of the fantics as roses heads down the lift Into Part 3 into the Heart of Darkness.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Eamonn reviews Silent Hill: Part 1
(The Story so far...
IT HAS ALL COME DOWN TO THIS. THE COMET. THE RACIST FILM. THE COMA. THE BOMBING. THE AIR-RAID SIRENS SUMMONING DEMONIC CREATURES AND NOW...THE FAMILIAR TRAIN THAT RUNS ON CELLULOID RAILS AND THROUGH THE TUNNELS OF SHEER JOY, EAMONN FACES THE LORD OF DARKNESS HIMSELF,THE DEVIL!)
BRING IT ON, THERE'S NOTHING THAT IS BAD ENOUGH TO BREAK MY SPIRIT!
OH YEAH? WOULD YOU WAGER YOUR SOUL ON IT?
(DESCENDING FROM THE FURNACE, THE SOURCE OF HIS POWERS, THE DEVIL'S DVD SPINS SLOWER THE PATTERN CHANGES COLOUR UNTIL THE THE TRANSFORMED DISC IN READABLE.
"SILENT HILL?"
OH FU-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tY92NAdGaR4
Yes! the finale of my first ever storyline is the review of a film so bad, that silent hill 3 had to up the gore so much it's banned in its own country of Japan.
Confession Time!
I never played Silent hill as i don't like shooters but I do like the story and the horrific designs of the monsters.But this film is the same as the Silent Hill comics. It has little base material used in it.
So with that in mind, lets trudge unarmed into Silent Hill.
So the film starts with the DiSilva Family, Rose (Radha Mitchell) and Chris(Sean Bean) in the middle of the night, looking for their daughter,Sharon. Rose finds her sleepwalking child about to jump of a cliff.Rose catches her as she screams Silent Hill
TITLE DROP!
The next day Rose tells her daughter that because of her dreams, and instead of the logical choice of seeing a doctor, they chose to go to the evil town filled with devil-worshipers and scary monsters.Except Sean Bean, who didn't really what the money and screentime it looks like.
As Rose is pumping petrol at a petrol station, she looks through Sharon's sketch book. it's filled with pictures of Grey Children and the Church of the Order.A distraught Sharon cannot remember drawing them.
This gets the attention of a policewoman. It turns outs that Chris has put a warrant on Rose for her arrest for Kidnapping. Rose then exposites that Sharon is adopted and From West Virginia where Silent hill is....Wait I thought Silent Hill was in Massecuchetts?
As Rose speeds off, the cop pulls her over, But Rose drives off when she sees the sign for Silent Hill.
Our Heroine, Ladies and Gentleman! Endangering her Child's life to avoid arrest.
So as Rose speeds off, A ghostly form steps in front of the car, causing it to crash. As Rose wakes up, It's morning, raining ash and Sharon is missing. We are in Silent Hill.
So Rose walks down the empty street, when she chases a child that isn't even wearing the clothes you dressed her in, Rose! But still chases Obviously Alessa, Then the Air Raid Siren goes off.
BACKSTORY!
The events that turned Silent Hill into a Hell hole happened During the war. The monsters of Silent Hill are negative Feelings made (rotting) flesh Whenever the siren is heard. Our world Silent hill becomes the Otherworld Silent hill. The Day turns to night and the wall start to bleed. Stumbling through a boiler room, Rose finds a dead body. Seeing Alessa run has her summon the Order's Miners and the Grey Children.
Backstory!
As said before, Silent Hill monsters are created by Negative feelings. The Grey children are embodiment of Alessa being bullied in school and creating the creatures as payback.
The Grey Children are not scary as it's just the 1 midget And ctrl and v Pressed a few times. However finding a light source dispelled the little bastards and transports rose into a Diner.
Shocked that she has moved she goes to her car Only to find the car...is gone!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC!)
And that the road is replaced by a chasm.
BACKSTORY!
The role of Silent Hill is twofold. It Claims back its own and lures people for being "impure" and punishes them.
From behind Rose Dahlia, Alessa's Mother Talks in Riddles about the town taking the children. Showing a picture of Sharon causing Dahlia to nearly push Sharon of the cliff.
Meanwhile Chris has travelled to West Virgina to find his family meeting Det. Thomas Gucci.Rose finds pictures made by Sharon of the midwich school. Finding her car she tries to start it and call Chris, But is arrestted by Sybil Bennett a Policewoman and a character from the first game.
So as the 2 women are walking towards the chasm, Sybill tells Rose that there has being a long history of Child sacrifice since the town became haunted. Rose's worry, and feeling of helplessness, especially after being handcuffed, manifests itself into Silent Hill's it's most dangerous denizens, The Armless Man. Cybill shoots at it, but it shoots acid at her in kind.
Oh, so I guess it wasn't so 'armless after all!
I'LL GET MY COAT...
Rose finds her way to Midwich School. Searching through the drawers for a torch. Chris and Thomas are driving in real world Silent hill, as Thomas says he was from Silent Hill.
FORESHADOWING!
Back in school, Rose finds Alessa's coat. but are chased by the Order. In a Class room Hand prints on a desk that somehow Rose recognises as her daughters (What An Ass Pull That Was!) In Sharon's Handwriting on a copy book is the name Alessa Gillespie. Chasing her into toilets. Rose hears her crying. In one of the stalls is the crucified body of the Janitor in Barb wire. Seeing her chance to free herself, Rose takes the key out of the corpse's mouth. The Order attacks but an Air Screamer in a cage starts to act like a canary. The Air Raid siren goes off again. Turning real world into Otherworld.
END OF PART 1
PART 2 NEXT TUESDAY.
IT HAS ALL COME DOWN TO THIS. THE COMET. THE RACIST FILM. THE COMA. THE BOMBING. THE AIR-RAID SIRENS SUMMONING DEMONIC CREATURES AND NOW...THE FAMILIAR TRAIN THAT RUNS ON CELLULOID RAILS AND THROUGH THE TUNNELS OF SHEER JOY, EAMONN FACES THE LORD OF DARKNESS HIMSELF,THE DEVIL!)
BRING IT ON, THERE'S NOTHING THAT IS BAD ENOUGH TO BREAK MY SPIRIT!
OH YEAH? WOULD YOU WAGER YOUR SOUL ON IT?
(DESCENDING FROM THE FURNACE, THE SOURCE OF HIS POWERS, THE DEVIL'S DVD SPINS SLOWER THE PATTERN CHANGES COLOUR UNTIL THE THE TRANSFORMED DISC IN READABLE.
"SILENT HILL?"
OH FU-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tY92NAdGaR4
Yes! the finale of my first ever storyline is the review of a film so bad, that silent hill 3 had to up the gore so much it's banned in its own country of Japan.
Confession Time!
I never played Silent hill as i don't like shooters but I do like the story and the horrific designs of the monsters.But this film is the same as the Silent Hill comics. It has little base material used in it.
So with that in mind, lets trudge unarmed into Silent Hill.
So the film starts with the DiSilva Family, Rose (Radha Mitchell) and Chris(Sean Bean) in the middle of the night, looking for their daughter,Sharon. Rose finds her sleepwalking child about to jump of a cliff.Rose catches her as she screams Silent Hill
TITLE DROP!
The next day Rose tells her daughter that because of her dreams, and instead of the logical choice of seeing a doctor, they chose to go to the evil town filled with devil-worshipers and scary monsters.Except Sean Bean, who didn't really what the money and screentime it looks like.
As Rose is pumping petrol at a petrol station, she looks through Sharon's sketch book. it's filled with pictures of Grey Children and the Church of the Order.A distraught Sharon cannot remember drawing them.
This gets the attention of a policewoman. It turns outs that Chris has put a warrant on Rose for her arrest for Kidnapping. Rose then exposites that Sharon is adopted and From West Virginia where Silent hill is....Wait I thought Silent Hill was in Massecuchetts?
As Rose speeds off, the cop pulls her over, But Rose drives off when she sees the sign for Silent Hill.
Our Heroine, Ladies and Gentleman! Endangering her Child's life to avoid arrest.
So as Rose speeds off, A ghostly form steps in front of the car, causing it to crash. As Rose wakes up, It's morning, raining ash and Sharon is missing. We are in Silent Hill.
So Rose walks down the empty street, when she chases a child that isn't even wearing the clothes you dressed her in, Rose! But still chases Obviously Alessa, Then the Air Raid Siren goes off.
BACKSTORY!
The events that turned Silent Hill into a Hell hole happened During the war. The monsters of Silent Hill are negative Feelings made (rotting) flesh Whenever the siren is heard. Our world Silent hill becomes the Otherworld Silent hill. The Day turns to night and the wall start to bleed. Stumbling through a boiler room, Rose finds a dead body. Seeing Alessa run has her summon the Order's Miners and the Grey Children.
Backstory!
As said before, Silent Hill monsters are created by Negative feelings. The Grey children are embodiment of Alessa being bullied in school and creating the creatures as payback.
The Grey Children are not scary as it's just the 1 midget And ctrl and v Pressed a few times. However finding a light source dispelled the little bastards and transports rose into a Diner.
Shocked that she has moved she goes to her car Only to find the car...is gone!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC!)
And that the road is replaced by a chasm.
BACKSTORY!
The role of Silent Hill is twofold. It Claims back its own and lures people for being "impure" and punishes them.
From behind Rose Dahlia, Alessa's Mother Talks in Riddles about the town taking the children. Showing a picture of Sharon causing Dahlia to nearly push Sharon of the cliff.
Meanwhile Chris has travelled to West Virgina to find his family meeting Det. Thomas Gucci.Rose finds pictures made by Sharon of the midwich school. Finding her car she tries to start it and call Chris, But is arrestted by Sybil Bennett a Policewoman and a character from the first game.
So as the 2 women are walking towards the chasm, Sybill tells Rose that there has being a long history of Child sacrifice since the town became haunted. Rose's worry, and feeling of helplessness, especially after being handcuffed, manifests itself into Silent Hill's it's most dangerous denizens, The Armless Man. Cybill shoots at it, but it shoots acid at her in kind.
Oh, so I guess it wasn't so 'armless after all!
I'LL GET MY COAT...
Rose finds her way to Midwich School. Searching through the drawers for a torch. Chris and Thomas are driving in real world Silent hill, as Thomas says he was from Silent Hill.
FORESHADOWING!
Back in school, Rose finds Alessa's coat. but are chased by the Order. In a Class room Hand prints on a desk that somehow Rose recognises as her daughters (What An Ass Pull That Was!) In Sharon's Handwriting on a copy book is the name Alessa Gillespie. Chasing her into toilets. Rose hears her crying. In one of the stalls is the crucified body of the Janitor in Barb wire. Seeing her chance to free herself, Rose takes the key out of the corpse's mouth. The Order attacks but an Air Screamer in a cage starts to act like a canary. The Air Raid siren goes off again. Turning real world into Otherworld.
END OF PART 1
PART 2 NEXT TUESDAY.
Monday, April 2, 2012
80's lad,Like, totally reviews Hot Tub Time Machine!
(80'S LAD REVIEW IN ORANGE)
(DEVIL'S LINE IN RED)
?????? LINES IN GREY)
(THE STORY SO FAR...
THE EVIL THAT HAS PREYED EAMONN FOR OVER A YEAR NOW, CAUSED HIM LAST MONTH TO DISAPPEAR. SO JOE-JACK DRIVING A (SIGH) NAPPY TRUCK TO FIND HIM, HAS LEFT THE HOME-SICK AND HELPLESS 80'S LAD ALONE WITH THE DEVIL!
DUDE!
IT'S ME!!! THE TOTALLY RADICAL EIGHTIES LAD! I LOVE THE 80'S! THE MUSIC WAS LIKE SO LIKE SO (IMMATURE GUITAR NOISE!) AND THE GIRLS WAS LIKE(IMMATURE BOOM-CHIKA-WAA-WAA! SOUND) THE MUSIC WAS SO GOOD UNTIL SHIT.I.AM RUINED IT BY ADDING HIS POXY LYRICS LIKE THE BASTAAAARRDS! THERE ARE..AND...
(TECHINICAL DIFFICULTIES-PLEASE STAND BY!)
ANYWAY THIS NOT ABOUT CHRISTMAS, THIS IS ABOUT THE COMEDY SCI-FI TIME-BENDER HOT TUB TIME MACHINE!
SO HERE WE GO!
We meet our heroes separetly, Dog-carer and washed up singer Nick(craig robinson) Recently divorced Adam(john cusask) his nerdy nephew Jacob(Clark Duke) and Party animal Lou (Corddy) who tries to fake suicide to get the others together. So to cheer him up they on a skiing trip to their old stompin' ground and are cheesed to find that it like, totally sucks!
Feeling down on themselves, the hot-tub turns itself on, minutes later the four drunk naked men(NO HOMO!) spill Russian red bull on the heat control.
The next day the go skiing down a hill. For reasons they can't explain. they feel so youthful.Returning to Kodiak valley, they find the place swarming with teenagers who weren't their the night before. Asking a girl what colour Michael Jackson is, confirms they have gone back in time.
Looking through the mirror. the 3 older heroes see themselves as teenagers. From nowhere,A Time-travelling Repair-man tells the boys not to change time. That means Adam must split with his girlfriend, Nick must bomb his music career, while Lou must get beaten up by a Snow Patrol member.
At Reception, Jacob finds out his mother was at Kodiak Valley, acting like a slut. Jacob tells Lou he never knew his father.
FORESHADOWING!
So Adam tries to ditch his girlfriend, Nick Bangs a groupie. and Lou starts a fight with the Snow patrol, However Jacob's presense has changed things as the snow patrol steal his bag. In their lodge they go though his stuff and finding 20+year tech and the Russian Red Bull. So Blane thinks Lou and his froends are....DIRTY COMMIES!
Adam is shocked to learn that Jenny was going to split with Adam anyway. Being called up on this Jenny stabs Adam with fork in the eye, anyway!
Lou decides, since he is a massive douchebag,to use his future knowledge to win at the bookies.The Mystic Repairman tells Jacob that the portal closes at Dawn. Adam is reliving his past by doing 'shrooms after his break up.
I candidly say that we all did drugs in the 80's and it had no pschological side effects on me whatsover!
Isn't That Right?, Ghost of John Lennon?
(silence!)
Ghost of john Lennon says yes!...and to kill my family!
Adam and his future ex-wife, break into a chateau and Lou and Nick loses all their winnings when a squirrel they puked on changes the result of a football game, Forcing Lou to give Nick a Blowjob!
After the act is called of by nick bribing the punters with future knowledge, Nick tells Lou that he knows that his wife cheated on him, So lou tells Nick to get on stage and change his destiny. Nick rocks it old-skool! and then claim to have written and then performs Lets get it started by the Black eye peas.
(V-SIGN)
THAT'S FOR RUINING DIRTY DANCING FOR FOREVER!,MOTHERFUCKERS!
Lou prepares for his fight, flirts with Jacob's mother, nick again misses the fight, causing Lou to get this ass kicked again.Confronting a suicidal Lou on the rooftop. Jacob tells the men that they need the Russian red Bull to spill again. Lou bangs jacob's mother and when told to stop. the teen disappears. when they start again, Jacob is conceived and rewritten into existance
FORESHADOWING HAS ARRIVED!
So lets finish this. the gangs the Russian Red Bull back, they return without Lou! And the fure has changed!
lou invented Google,he, jacob and his mother are a family, Nick is a music producer, and Adamis happily married. and so the film ends with Lou rewritting history to front Motley Crue
THIS FILM IS AWESOME!
I WISH I CAN GO BACK TO THE EIGHTIES!
(With a flicker of flame, 80's Lad is teleported by 30 years back in time leaving his shadow that turns into binary code)
WARNING!
ERRACTIC ALGORYTHMN COST=0
DO YOU WISH TO SEARCH FOR PROGRAMME?Y/N
DECLARATION:YES=COULD NOT FIND PROGRAMME!
BEGINING UNIVERSAL DELETION PROTOCOL!
(DEVIL'S LINE IN RED)
?????? LINES IN GREY)
(THE STORY SO FAR...
THE EVIL THAT HAS PREYED EAMONN FOR OVER A YEAR NOW, CAUSED HIM LAST MONTH TO DISAPPEAR. SO JOE-JACK DRIVING A (SIGH) NAPPY TRUCK TO FIND HIM, HAS LEFT THE HOME-SICK AND HELPLESS 80'S LAD ALONE WITH THE DEVIL!
DUDE!
IT'S ME!!! THE TOTALLY RADICAL EIGHTIES LAD! I LOVE THE 80'S! THE MUSIC WAS LIKE SO LIKE SO (IMMATURE GUITAR NOISE!) AND THE GIRLS WAS LIKE(IMMATURE BOOM-CHIKA-WAA-WAA! SOUND) THE MUSIC WAS SO GOOD UNTIL SHIT.I.AM RUINED IT BY ADDING HIS POXY LYRICS LIKE THE BASTAAAARRDS! THERE ARE..AND...
(TECHINICAL DIFFICULTIES-PLEASE STAND BY!)
ANYWAY THIS NOT ABOUT CHRISTMAS, THIS IS ABOUT THE COMEDY SCI-FI TIME-BENDER HOT TUB TIME MACHINE!
SO HERE WE GO!
We meet our heroes separetly, Dog-carer and washed up singer Nick(craig robinson) Recently divorced Adam(john cusask) his nerdy nephew Jacob(Clark Duke) and Party animal Lou (Corddy) who tries to fake suicide to get the others together. So to cheer him up they on a skiing trip to their old stompin' ground and are cheesed to find that it like, totally sucks!
Feeling down on themselves, the hot-tub turns itself on, minutes later the four drunk naked men(NO HOMO!) spill Russian red bull on the heat control.
The next day the go skiing down a hill. For reasons they can't explain. they feel so youthful.Returning to Kodiak valley, they find the place swarming with teenagers who weren't their the night before. Asking a girl what colour Michael Jackson is, confirms they have gone back in time.
Looking through the mirror. the 3 older heroes see themselves as teenagers. From nowhere,A Time-travelling Repair-man tells the boys not to change time. That means Adam must split with his girlfriend, Nick must bomb his music career, while Lou must get beaten up by a Snow Patrol member.
At Reception, Jacob finds out his mother was at Kodiak Valley, acting like a slut. Jacob tells Lou he never knew his father.
FORESHADOWING!
So Adam tries to ditch his girlfriend, Nick Bangs a groupie. and Lou starts a fight with the Snow patrol, However Jacob's presense has changed things as the snow patrol steal his bag. In their lodge they go though his stuff and finding 20+year tech and the Russian Red Bull. So Blane thinks Lou and his froends are....DIRTY COMMIES!
Adam is shocked to learn that Jenny was going to split with Adam anyway. Being called up on this Jenny stabs Adam with fork in the eye, anyway!
Lou decides, since he is a massive douchebag,to use his future knowledge to win at the bookies.The Mystic Repairman tells Jacob that the portal closes at Dawn. Adam is reliving his past by doing 'shrooms after his break up.
I candidly say that we all did drugs in the 80's and it had no pschological side effects on me whatsover!
Isn't That Right?, Ghost of John Lennon?
(silence!)
Ghost of john Lennon says yes!...and to kill my family!
Adam and his future ex-wife, break into a chateau and Lou and Nick loses all their winnings when a squirrel they puked on changes the result of a football game, Forcing Lou to give Nick a Blowjob!
After the act is called of by nick bribing the punters with future knowledge, Nick tells Lou that he knows that his wife cheated on him, So lou tells Nick to get on stage and change his destiny. Nick rocks it old-skool! and then claim to have written and then performs Lets get it started by the Black eye peas.
(V-SIGN)
THAT'S FOR RUINING DIRTY DANCING FOR FOREVER!,MOTHERFUCKERS!
Lou prepares for his fight, flirts with Jacob's mother, nick again misses the fight, causing Lou to get this ass kicked again.Confronting a suicidal Lou on the rooftop. Jacob tells the men that they need the Russian red Bull to spill again. Lou bangs jacob's mother and when told to stop. the teen disappears. when they start again, Jacob is conceived and rewritten into existance
FORESHADOWING HAS ARRIVED!
So lets finish this. the gangs the Russian Red Bull back, they return without Lou! And the fure has changed!
lou invented Google,he, jacob and his mother are a family, Nick is a music producer, and Adamis happily married. and so the film ends with Lou rewritting history to front Motley Crue
THIS FILM IS AWESOME!
I WISH I CAN GO BACK TO THE EIGHTIES!
(With a flicker of flame, 80's Lad is teleported by 30 years back in time leaving his shadow that turns into binary code)
WARNING!
ERRACTIC ALGORYTHMN COST=0
DO YOU WISH TO SEARCH FOR PROGRAMME?Y/N
DECLARATION:YES=COULD NOT FIND PROGRAMME!
BEGINING UNIVERSAL DELETION PROTOCOL!
Friday, March 2, 2012
Eamonn reviews The Chaperone(as requested by C.B.Nash)
This month theme: My time (triple h former theme song) by the dx band
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJLYxBAD4
(THE STORY SO FAR...
IN AN ATTEMPT TO DEFEAT THE EVIL THAT HAS STALKED THE OFFICES OF ENLIGHTENED TOWERS FOR A YEAR NOW, EAMONN RETURNED TO THE MATERIAL WORLD OF S.A.T.C. HOWEVER THE POWER WAS TOO MUCH TO BARE, AND THE SUBSEQUENT CATACLYSM HAS SHALLOWED HIM INTO THE ABYSS.)
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
(THE SCENE OPENS TO A TABLE WITH EAMONN'S PHOTOGRAPH IT. BESIDE IT, AN ANSWERING MACHINE HAS SPRUNG TO LIFE.
(BEEP!)
"Hello Joe-Jack? Don't delete this message. This message will automatically play if I, While fighting whatever is summoned by the Devil's dvd, that I'm captured or......Either way, this review will be your guide to bring me back...if my theories are correct.
Anyway lets get to it.
What happens when you take wrestling, the simpsons and modern family together? Possibly the cheesiest goofiest film of last year.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJLYx3cBAD4
Starring Paul "Triple h" Levesque, the son-in-law to WWE Chairman, Vince McMahon, so a lot of nepotism has gone into showcasing the talents of the man who would become WWE Chief Operating Officer.
Lets talk about the dvd cover which is more hilarious than the film itself!
In the foreground we see Hunt-uh, clean shaven. When he has a full beard or moustache he is very threatening looking, but when clean shaven his big nose and massive forehead makes him look goofy. Even when he was clean shaving and doing steroids circa 2002-2004 he looked goofy. and the smile he has on the cover isnt helping things. behind him his co-star, Ariel winter from Modern Family is driving a school bus. Her shocked expression makes us follow her eye-line to a bullet hole. on top of the bus roof is a guy with a broken nose, and Uncle Eddie from Grounded For Life, both holding guns. So if they did shoot the windscreen, they are either great shots, or their guns are loaded with Boomerang Bullets from Metal Slug!
Almost missable is an extra laughing to himself and covering is mouth like "they'll never find me here!"
We open to Ray Bradstone(HHH),a prisoner who is being realised today he is on the phone to a self-help-line, while the prisoner behind him thinks he is on a sex-line, So Ray corrects him. With his fists!
Ray is being released today after 7 years in prison, after playing the gettaway driver in a robbery. He has shortened his term with good behaviour by taking out every book on self-help and Paleontology, earning a degree in the subject. The guards wish him luck but are doubtful that he will change.
Now this is a good opener!
The character of Ray is developed of the bat, we have an emotional connection to him, and we have some sharply written back and forth with the prison guard. Usually at this point we have a Washed up actor from a cancelled sitcom come in and ruin everything....
(Uncle Eddie from Grounded For Life Drives up and calls out to Ray in the most annoying voice possible!)
Dahmmit!
Ray was in prision as the driver for LaRoux (uncle Eddie), Who testified against him to save his own bacon! So Ray steals his car. What was that about a turned leaf?
So Ray hires a room and cuts his beard with a scissors. A surprisingly non-stubbly Ray takes out a picture of his family in hope to met them tomorrow.
Naturally, his ex wife,Lynn and his daughter Sally(Winter) has moved on with their lives. But try as they might, Ray is still out to prove he changed. At Sally's school, Ray is shocked to see two boys fighting.
Ray"What the hell is this?"
ME AS TRIPS: TWO MEN UNDER 6 FOOT WRESTLING? THAT WILL NEV-UH GET OV-UH!"
So Ray breaks up the fight is met by Miss Miller (played by Yardley Smith, the voice of Lisa simp-HOLY CRAP WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvoYACO1rI
Seriously? You do the voice of a character for 20 years and you begin to look like her!
Embarrassed that ray was in prison, Sally lies and ray was in federal Government, Ray just rolls with it!
So Miller tells Ray that Sally's Class is going to the Local Museum to see the dinosaur Exhibit. Ray blurts out his prowess and interest and agrees to be the Chaperone!
Back in Ray's Flat, La roux tries to hire ray back into his crew, ray punches a hole in the wall.
CRIMES COMMITTED BY RAY SINCE HIS RELEASE
car theft, Impersonating a Government official, Property Damage
So Ray Meets Lynn's New Boyfriend, Dr Marvin.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_A6sha3nYio
No, Not that Doctor Marvin!
Who rubs in the Fact he is a better man than Ray. it was as subtle as this!
OH LOOK AT ME! I'M A DOCTOR! MY JOB IS SECURE AND I'M A PILLAR OF SOCIETY! I'M A BETTER ROLE-MODEL THAN YOU AND I'M DOING YOUR EX-WIFE! NOW TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL! I'M A DOCTOR YOU KNOW!
So Ray tries to get a job at a garage and a restaurant but makes fun of the Prius and Veganism
THIS GUY MUST BE PISSED OF!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vd4y41vcYw8
Ray is sent into a downward spiral when La Roux burns his flat, forcing Ray to rejoin the gang.
It's the Day of the field trip and Sally's Stereotypical Friends are introduced. Glasses wearing Nerd? Check
Semi-retarded Bully? Check! Token Black friend? Check! Vapid Valley Girl? Check! Token Latino Friend? Check!
And the Bus Driver is a rip-off of Otto Mann!
Dr Marvin? A Stoner Bus Driver? If Uncle Eddie arches his fingers and says "Excellent!" I may lose it!
Not Only is the bank the gang is gonna hit the same day as the trip, but conveniently across the road from the school. Long story short Ray leaves the gang high and dry but not before throwing away evidence that implicates him at the robbery. so a gang member acting on his own smuggles the money onto the school bus before being ran over. And now the police and the gang will gave chase over New Orleans for the money.
And that's the plot to this film.
So Laroux and Goldie give chase but crash into a (sigh) Nappy Lorry (DiaperTruck for all you Americans out there!)
Because Poop is funny right WWE?
On the the bus, Ray stamps his authority
"I'M THE CHAPERONE!"
"I AM THE GAME-UH! IF YOU DON'T STOP I WILL BURY YOU!
Later we met Stanley, the second chaperone, who has feelings for Miss Miller. But Miller has feelings for-you guessed it!-Ray.
Trips and Yardley Smith?
considering who he use to bang its an improvement!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5aDPNwrIe4Q
The Guide is sick and Ray steps in at the dinosaur museum and use the life of Ovaraptor as an analogy of parenting.
Really,movie,Really?
OVA RAPTOR means "egg thief" as they would steal the egg of others to feed their young, but if eggs were in short supply, like all reptiles they would eat family members to get what they want.
Sounds like an analogy of a certain wrestler that forced his brother-in-law from his birth-right to become the new Boss!
Meanwhile Laroux and Goldy enter the museum and ray triggers the fire-alarm to get the kids out. Ray attacks LaRoux and Breaks Goldy's Nose.
Add Assault to the turned leaf of Ray Bradstone!
Making his way outside, Lisa-i mean,Miller, tells Ray that Otto-i mean Nick is missing.So ray drives the bus himself
(ADD GTA JOKE HERE!)
Next stop is the historic French Quarter. Ray tries to hand the money over but the police chase after the gang.
Thinking Ray is in Cahoots with the Cops, Laroux Hires reinforcements.At the Hotel the bully stereotype leaves to buy fireworks. Ray tries to swap the money again but Laroux is too stupid to realise the cops are too compentant. So He flatley denies taking the money in a reasonable way. So LaRoux plans to take the money by force.
Stanley tries to chat up Miss Miller, and Stanley hugs Ray in an awkard way leading to this line.
"that bett-uh be your fanny pack"
A gay joke in a children's film. And from a man who once said he was everything but bilingual
So we have a BONDING MONTAGE between Ray and Sally, and naturally it ends with the police telling Miss Miller who ray is and a televised Manhunt for Ray.
During an Engagement Dinner between Lynn and Dr. Douchebag, The Media blows the story out proportion calling ray a kidnapper.
Huh. Must be Fox News!
So Lynn leaves for New Orleans. Sally confronts Ray about the robbery and he tells her the truth. With the police flooding the hotel, Sally retrieves the money for Ray. What do you think happens next?
If you didn't say "Sally gets kidnapped by La Roux", You're An Idiot!
So Ray turns up at LaRoux' hideout where his Heavies jump him. And in true Triple h style, he buries his opponents. So at the exchange, the long awaited punchline of indentical Duffles is revealed. and is just as predictable. So Sally returns to the hotel with a plan to save her father, but she needs the help of the stereotypes. So Nerd Stereotype hacks Rays iPhone to track him.
When i was 13, I tried to hack a computer for free porn.
Don't Judge Me!
We All Did It!
So Sally, Heart-throb, Bully,Nerd and a stowed-away Valley girl steal the bus to save Ray.
so lets wrap this up!
The Kids defeat la roux and Goldy with some home alone rip-off traps. Ray phones the talk show to trick LaRoux to confess to the crime. La Roux is arrested. Ray is acquited, Lynn returns to Ray who is now the co-host to the talk show. And his guest is Laroux, to whom Ray implies he'll become someone's bitch in prison. You know for kids!
THIS FILM SUCKS!
While there are bits that are done really well, The Rest of the time the film is too goofy to take seriously. The supporting cast are stereotypes who never go beyond those parameters, and after a while it degenerates into Home Alone mets the Blue Brothers For Kids! This film has its moments and if you can look past the gay jokes and (sigh) Nappy Lorries, you can waste 2 hours easily.
Look Joe-Jack, I'm trusting you to save me. By now, you should have worked out where i have being taken to. So i used the Power to send something out of the dvd to find me in May. It's a (sigh) Nappy Lorry.
Being a Culchie, you're probably used to the smell! Good Luck!
(As Joe-Jack pulls out,80S Lad, Still saddened by his outburst at Christmas is confronted by mysterious voice.)
80's Lad? Don't you want to go home? He has kept this away from you.
A shadowy limb drops a DVD at his feet.
DUUUUUDDDDDEEE!!!1!
NEXT MONTH: THE TRAP HE GLADLY WALKED INTO! EIGHTIES LAD REVIEWS HOT TUB TIME MACHINE!
CREDITS
Review was written, edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham.
With clips from
Access holywood
Smackdown
Celebrity rehab
With music by The dx band.
The chaperone is property of wwe films and Samuel Goldwyn Films.
Bogger box office is not affiliated with Butterfinger.
all clips belong to their respected owners
This was a reques.t if you have a request for July and beyond please leave a comment below, or at my youtube channel
http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
NAPPY LORRY?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJLYxBAD4
(THE STORY SO FAR...
IN AN ATTEMPT TO DEFEAT THE EVIL THAT HAS STALKED THE OFFICES OF ENLIGHTENED TOWERS FOR A YEAR NOW, EAMONN RETURNED TO THE MATERIAL WORLD OF S.A.T.C. HOWEVER THE POWER WAS TOO MUCH TO BARE, AND THE SUBSEQUENT CATACLYSM HAS SHALLOWED HIM INTO THE ABYSS.)
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
(THE SCENE OPENS TO A TABLE WITH EAMONN'S PHOTOGRAPH IT. BESIDE IT, AN ANSWERING MACHINE HAS SPRUNG TO LIFE.
(BEEP!)
"Hello Joe-Jack? Don't delete this message. This message will automatically play if I, While fighting whatever is summoned by the Devil's dvd, that I'm captured or......Either way, this review will be your guide to bring me back...if my theories are correct.
Anyway lets get to it.
What happens when you take wrestling, the simpsons and modern family together? Possibly the cheesiest goofiest film of last year.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJLYx3cBAD4
Starring Paul "Triple h" Levesque, the son-in-law to WWE Chairman, Vince McMahon, so a lot of nepotism has gone into showcasing the talents of the man who would become WWE Chief Operating Officer.
Lets talk about the dvd cover which is more hilarious than the film itself!
In the foreground we see Hunt-uh, clean shaven. When he has a full beard or moustache he is very threatening looking, but when clean shaven his big nose and massive forehead makes him look goofy. Even when he was clean shaving and doing steroids circa 2002-2004 he looked goofy. and the smile he has on the cover isnt helping things. behind him his co-star, Ariel winter from Modern Family is driving a school bus. Her shocked expression makes us follow her eye-line to a bullet hole. on top of the bus roof is a guy with a broken nose, and Uncle Eddie from Grounded For Life, both holding guns. So if they did shoot the windscreen, they are either great shots, or their guns are loaded with Boomerang Bullets from Metal Slug!
Almost missable is an extra laughing to himself and covering is mouth like "they'll never find me here!"
We open to Ray Bradstone(HHH),a prisoner who is being realised today he is on the phone to a self-help-line, while the prisoner behind him thinks he is on a sex-line, So Ray corrects him. With his fists!
Ray is being released today after 7 years in prison, after playing the gettaway driver in a robbery. He has shortened his term with good behaviour by taking out every book on self-help and Paleontology, earning a degree in the subject. The guards wish him luck but are doubtful that he will change.
Now this is a good opener!
The character of Ray is developed of the bat, we have an emotional connection to him, and we have some sharply written back and forth with the prison guard. Usually at this point we have a Washed up actor from a cancelled sitcom come in and ruin everything....
(Uncle Eddie from Grounded For Life Drives up and calls out to Ray in the most annoying voice possible!)
Dahmmit!
Ray was in prision as the driver for LaRoux (uncle Eddie), Who testified against him to save his own bacon! So Ray steals his car. What was that about a turned leaf?
So Ray hires a room and cuts his beard with a scissors. A surprisingly non-stubbly Ray takes out a picture of his family in hope to met them tomorrow.
Naturally, his ex wife,Lynn and his daughter Sally(Winter) has moved on with their lives. But try as they might, Ray is still out to prove he changed. At Sally's school, Ray is shocked to see two boys fighting.
Ray"What the hell is this?"
ME AS TRIPS: TWO MEN UNDER 6 FOOT WRESTLING? THAT WILL NEV-UH GET OV-UH!"
So Ray breaks up the fight is met by Miss Miller (played by Yardley Smith, the voice of Lisa simp-HOLY CRAP WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvoYACO1rI
Seriously? You do the voice of a character for 20 years and you begin to look like her!
Embarrassed that ray was in prison, Sally lies and ray was in federal Government, Ray just rolls with it!
So Miller tells Ray that Sally's Class is going to the Local Museum to see the dinosaur Exhibit. Ray blurts out his prowess and interest and agrees to be the Chaperone!
Back in Ray's Flat, La roux tries to hire ray back into his crew, ray punches a hole in the wall.
CRIMES COMMITTED BY RAY SINCE HIS RELEASE
car theft, Impersonating a Government official, Property Damage
So Ray Meets Lynn's New Boyfriend, Dr Marvin.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_A6sha3nYio
No, Not that Doctor Marvin!
Who rubs in the Fact he is a better man than Ray. it was as subtle as this!
OH LOOK AT ME! I'M A DOCTOR! MY JOB IS SECURE AND I'M A PILLAR OF SOCIETY! I'M A BETTER ROLE-MODEL THAN YOU AND I'M DOING YOUR EX-WIFE! NOW TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL! I'M A DOCTOR YOU KNOW!
So Ray tries to get a job at a garage and a restaurant but makes fun of the Prius and Veganism
THIS GUY MUST BE PISSED OF!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vd4y41vcYw8
Ray is sent into a downward spiral when La Roux burns his flat, forcing Ray to rejoin the gang.
It's the Day of the field trip and Sally's Stereotypical Friends are introduced. Glasses wearing Nerd? Check
Semi-retarded Bully? Check! Token Black friend? Check! Vapid Valley Girl? Check! Token Latino Friend? Check!
And the Bus Driver is a rip-off of Otto Mann!
Dr Marvin? A Stoner Bus Driver? If Uncle Eddie arches his fingers and says "Excellent!" I may lose it!
Not Only is the bank the gang is gonna hit the same day as the trip, but conveniently across the road from the school. Long story short Ray leaves the gang high and dry but not before throwing away evidence that implicates him at the robbery. so a gang member acting on his own smuggles the money onto the school bus before being ran over. And now the police and the gang will gave chase over New Orleans for the money.
And that's the plot to this film.
So Laroux and Goldie give chase but crash into a (sigh) Nappy Lorry (DiaperTruck for all you Americans out there!)
Because Poop is funny right WWE?
On the the bus, Ray stamps his authority
"I'M THE CHAPERONE!"
"I AM THE GAME-UH! IF YOU DON'T STOP I WILL BURY YOU!
Later we met Stanley, the second chaperone, who has feelings for Miss Miller. But Miller has feelings for-you guessed it!-Ray.
Trips and Yardley Smith?
considering who he use to bang its an improvement!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5aDPNwrIe4Q
The Guide is sick and Ray steps in at the dinosaur museum and use the life of Ovaraptor as an analogy of parenting.
Really,movie,Really?
OVA RAPTOR means "egg thief" as they would steal the egg of others to feed their young, but if eggs were in short supply, like all reptiles they would eat family members to get what they want.
Sounds like an analogy of a certain wrestler that forced his brother-in-law from his birth-right to become the new Boss!
Meanwhile Laroux and Goldy enter the museum and ray triggers the fire-alarm to get the kids out. Ray attacks LaRoux and Breaks Goldy's Nose.
Add Assault to the turned leaf of Ray Bradstone!
Making his way outside, Lisa-i mean,Miller, tells Ray that Otto-i mean Nick is missing.So ray drives the bus himself
(ADD GTA JOKE HERE!)
Next stop is the historic French Quarter. Ray tries to hand the money over but the police chase after the gang.
Thinking Ray is in Cahoots with the Cops, Laroux Hires reinforcements.At the Hotel the bully stereotype leaves to buy fireworks. Ray tries to swap the money again but Laroux is too stupid to realise the cops are too compentant. So He flatley denies taking the money in a reasonable way. So LaRoux plans to take the money by force.
Stanley tries to chat up Miss Miller, and Stanley hugs Ray in an awkard way leading to this line.
"that bett-uh be your fanny pack"
A gay joke in a children's film. And from a man who once said he was everything but bilingual
So we have a BONDING MONTAGE between Ray and Sally, and naturally it ends with the police telling Miss Miller who ray is and a televised Manhunt for Ray.
During an Engagement Dinner between Lynn and Dr. Douchebag, The Media blows the story out proportion calling ray a kidnapper.
Huh. Must be Fox News!
So Lynn leaves for New Orleans. Sally confronts Ray about the robbery and he tells her the truth. With the police flooding the hotel, Sally retrieves the money for Ray. What do you think happens next?
If you didn't say "Sally gets kidnapped by La Roux", You're An Idiot!
So Ray turns up at LaRoux' hideout where his Heavies jump him. And in true Triple h style, he buries his opponents. So at the exchange, the long awaited punchline of indentical Duffles is revealed. and is just as predictable. So Sally returns to the hotel with a plan to save her father, but she needs the help of the stereotypes. So Nerd Stereotype hacks Rays iPhone to track him.
When i was 13, I tried to hack a computer for free porn.
Don't Judge Me!
We All Did It!
So Sally, Heart-throb, Bully,Nerd and a stowed-away Valley girl steal the bus to save Ray.
so lets wrap this up!
The Kids defeat la roux and Goldy with some home alone rip-off traps. Ray phones the talk show to trick LaRoux to confess to the crime. La Roux is arrested. Ray is acquited, Lynn returns to Ray who is now the co-host to the talk show. And his guest is Laroux, to whom Ray implies he'll become someone's bitch in prison. You know for kids!
THIS FILM SUCKS!
While there are bits that are done really well, The Rest of the time the film is too goofy to take seriously. The supporting cast are stereotypes who never go beyond those parameters, and after a while it degenerates into Home Alone mets the Blue Brothers For Kids! This film has its moments and if you can look past the gay jokes and (sigh) Nappy Lorries, you can waste 2 hours easily.
Look Joe-Jack, I'm trusting you to save me. By now, you should have worked out where i have being taken to. So i used the Power to send something out of the dvd to find me in May. It's a (sigh) Nappy Lorry.
Being a Culchie, you're probably used to the smell! Good Luck!
(As Joe-Jack pulls out,80S Lad, Still saddened by his outburst at Christmas is confronted by mysterious voice.)
80's Lad? Don't you want to go home? He has kept this away from you.
A shadowy limb drops a DVD at his feet.
DUUUUUDDDDDEEE!!!1!
NEXT MONTH: THE TRAP HE GLADLY WALKED INTO! EIGHTIES LAD REVIEWS HOT TUB TIME MACHINE!
CREDITS
Review was written, edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham.
With clips from
Access holywood
Smackdown
Celebrity rehab
With music by The dx band.
The chaperone is property of wwe films and Samuel Goldwyn Films.
Bogger box office is not affiliated with Butterfinger.
all clips belong to their respected owners
This was a reques.t if you have a request for July and beyond please leave a comment below, or at my youtube channel
http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
NAPPY LORRY?
Friday, February 10, 2012
Four year anniversary special: Eamonn reviews Sex and the City 2
(Deep breath)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
With an intro like that the same from 2012 that we got from 2011.
Welcome to the 4th year of Pathofenlightment.blogspot.com, the sister site of BBO. And here to celebrate the fact that I'm four years strong, here is the band, Four year strong.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MH1UaPIEgA
This time last year, a request to do this film's prequel set the wheels to current events since May. re: the Devil trying to claim my soul. So either i end this or it ends me.
So with this being a special 2 disc edition, Disc 1 has the entire film and disc 2 has all the the extras. As always this is a review of the film ONLY!
So lets have a little recap from the first film since we don't get one from our narrator, Sarah Jessica "Horse-face" Parker. Carrie's tunnel vision to get married, as well as miranda's bitterness at being cheated on, causes Big to miss the wedding. Sam spends the first film being a slut, and Charlotte shits her pants. That's everything, bar the formatic ending ,of merit in the first film.
So the film starts as Horse-face Narrates the film as a fairy-tale. We flashback as she introduces herself and her cohorts dressed in 80's fashion. Crowning moment of funny? Kim Cattral in 80's fashion looking she was dragged through Lily Savage's costume department. Backwards.
So the bait and switch that Sam is getting married, (Despite being married in the first film). Is in fact Sam's gay sidekick marrying Char's gay sidekick.
HOORAY for tying up loose ends for minor charectors!
So the gay wedding is exactly what any hot blooded man expected. Choir boys in white tux singing show-tunes. a Wizard of Oz reception and a suggestive sausage serving technique that would make Nanny Ogg blush! So when one of the "grooms" boasts that since his "groom" can have the wedding he wants, he can cheat!
this sends the girls on a debate about the openness of marraige.
So when Sam asks if the wedding can get any gayer, The Justice of The Peace, is known other than musical superstar and Gay Icon, Liza Minelli! And with 2 gays married, Liza performs All The Single Ladies in her own style!
During the reception, plot lines are planted. Charlotte is having trouble with her kids, Miranda has a new boss that hates her,Carrie tells Big she doesn't want kids. AND SOMEHOW BEYOND COMPREHENSION SAM MANAGES TO GET LAID AT A GAY WEDDING!
Half of me is saying "That's not possible!", the other half is saying "impressive!"
Being kept awake by Sam the Slut and Charlotte's colicky baby, Carrie discovers Big's love of B+W Film. At breakfast we are introduced to char's nanny a bra-less Irish stereotype, whos figure makes sam jealous and addicted to hormone replacement drugs. seeing her husband and countless straight guests staring at the braless woman with the giant chest doing cartwheels. (as you do!) Make's Charlotte jealous.
look's like the sub-plot is going to be centred on Charlotte. All Kirsten Davis did was run, poop herself and scream "oh my god!" at random intervals.
Miranda quits her job, Charlotte makes the mistake of wearing a couture dress doing child's finger painting. And Sam is asked to Dubai by a movie star she freaked.And she invites her friends.
Well, we now know HOW the sluts get to the Middle East.
Maybe they can get stoned to death in a marketplace!
So Carrie and big have an agrument about not settling down. So Carrie goes to her old apartment, which according to the timeline of this film, is 2 years after she moved in with big. So if had an abandoned apartment for 2 years, don't be surprised if a hobo is living in your still stocked walk-in closet!
The 4 MILF-A-Teers arrive in dudai and Sam's hormones are confiscated. when they arrive at the hotel, the concierge is played by Omid Dwadji who reveals that the hotel is hosting the Rugby Qualifiers.
Why do i get the sick feeling that Sam is going to be the Slutty Ball in a Naked Scrum?
So the Girls go to the Souk Marketplace, Where the butler warns them of black market traders that will may try to kidnap the girls
FORESHADOWING!
At the market,Carrie's former boyfriend, Aiden appears and invites carrie to dinner that night. this distracts horse-face to the point she drops her passport.
While sunbathing Sam is upset than seeing the rugby players in speedos doesn't turn her on.But later on when she meets a 40-something Danish explorer, she falls for him, refering to him as "Lawrence of My Labia!"
Subtle. So we can conclude that Sam is only attracted to men her age. Thank goodness.
So after some ear sodomising karoake, And after Carrie gets a bad review from a magazine. Spurring carrie to take the dinner date with her ex, kissing him. Charlotte opens up to 'Randa about her parenting problems. Sam risks getting arrested for not covering up. Carrie phones up to confess about kissing Aiden and nothing else. Big speaks for all men by asking "AND?"
Sam is arrested so miranda bails her out. With film business deal off, the girls pack to leave. But Carrie had her passport lost. she finds it at the stall she met Aidan, but charlotte gets kipnapped by black market traders!
FORESHADOWING HAS ARRIVED!
Sam causes more outrage, but the girls are saved by a feminist movement and are escorted to out of Dubai.
And so the film ends with...You know what? WHO CARES? You Just want to know if this Film Sucks!
YES! THIS FILM SUCKS! A THOUSAND TIMES YES! AND A THOUSAND TIMES MORE THAN THE FIRST FILM!
Barely no reference to the first film is made and the pacing was a disjointed as a programing bloc of the show with key episodes missing.And the charectors! If you thought Horse-Face was self-centred before, then hearing her narrate this film as a materialistic fairy tale is the fucking limit! Carrie's direction to be social gladfly after marriage, Sam's continued, and baffling, offence to Islam and charlotte's jealousy towards a minor charector are all selfish acts. Support by the always reliable Dwadji and Nixon is wasted, and cameos by Liza Minelli and Miley Cryus. wastes their talents further. In short this film is just Disgraceful!
(Once again the lights turn red as an air-raid siren blares out.The floor opens and swallows Eamonn whole.
the last thing anyone hears as he is flung into the Abyss.
CAN SOMEBODY HELP ME?
TO BE CONTINUED......?
CREDITS
Review written, edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham.
With music by 4 YEAR STRONG
Sex and the city is property of UNIVERSAL
And music is supplied by vevo.
all links belong to there respected owners.
Follow me on youtube, or request a review, at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
With an intro like that the same from 2012 that we got from 2011.
Welcome to the 4th year of Pathofenlightment.blogspot.com, the sister site of BBO. And here to celebrate the fact that I'm four years strong, here is the band, Four year strong.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MH1UaPIEgA
This time last year, a request to do this film's prequel set the wheels to current events since May. re: the Devil trying to claim my soul. So either i end this or it ends me.
So with this being a special 2 disc edition, Disc 1 has the entire film and disc 2 has all the the extras. As always this is a review of the film ONLY!
So lets have a little recap from the first film since we don't get one from our narrator, Sarah Jessica "Horse-face" Parker. Carrie's tunnel vision to get married, as well as miranda's bitterness at being cheated on, causes Big to miss the wedding. Sam spends the first film being a slut, and Charlotte shits her pants. That's everything, bar the formatic ending ,of merit in the first film.
So the film starts as Horse-face Narrates the film as a fairy-tale. We flashback as she introduces herself and her cohorts dressed in 80's fashion. Crowning moment of funny? Kim Cattral in 80's fashion looking she was dragged through Lily Savage's costume department. Backwards.
So the bait and switch that Sam is getting married, (Despite being married in the first film). Is in fact Sam's gay sidekick marrying Char's gay sidekick.
HOORAY for tying up loose ends for minor charectors!
So the gay wedding is exactly what any hot blooded man expected. Choir boys in white tux singing show-tunes. a Wizard of Oz reception and a suggestive sausage serving technique that would make Nanny Ogg blush! So when one of the "grooms" boasts that since his "groom" can have the wedding he wants, he can cheat!
this sends the girls on a debate about the openness of marraige.
So when Sam asks if the wedding can get any gayer, The Justice of The Peace, is known other than musical superstar and Gay Icon, Liza Minelli! And with 2 gays married, Liza performs All The Single Ladies in her own style!
During the reception, plot lines are planted. Charlotte is having trouble with her kids, Miranda has a new boss that hates her,Carrie tells Big she doesn't want kids. AND SOMEHOW BEYOND COMPREHENSION SAM MANAGES TO GET LAID AT A GAY WEDDING!
Half of me is saying "That's not possible!", the other half is saying "impressive!"
Being kept awake by Sam the Slut and Charlotte's colicky baby, Carrie discovers Big's love of B+W Film. At breakfast we are introduced to char's nanny a bra-less Irish stereotype, whos figure makes sam jealous and addicted to hormone replacement drugs. seeing her husband and countless straight guests staring at the braless woman with the giant chest doing cartwheels. (as you do!) Make's Charlotte jealous.
look's like the sub-plot is going to be centred on Charlotte. All Kirsten Davis did was run, poop herself and scream "oh my god!" at random intervals.
Miranda quits her job, Charlotte makes the mistake of wearing a couture dress doing child's finger painting. And Sam is asked to Dubai by a movie star she freaked.And she invites her friends.
Well, we now know HOW the sluts get to the Middle East.
Maybe they can get stoned to death in a marketplace!
So Carrie and big have an agrument about not settling down. So Carrie goes to her old apartment, which according to the timeline of this film, is 2 years after she moved in with big. So if had an abandoned apartment for 2 years, don't be surprised if a hobo is living in your still stocked walk-in closet!
The 4 MILF-A-Teers arrive in dudai and Sam's hormones are confiscated. when they arrive at the hotel, the concierge is played by Omid Dwadji who reveals that the hotel is hosting the Rugby Qualifiers.
Why do i get the sick feeling that Sam is going to be the Slutty Ball in a Naked Scrum?
So the Girls go to the Souk Marketplace, Where the butler warns them of black market traders that will may try to kidnap the girls
FORESHADOWING!
At the market,Carrie's former boyfriend, Aiden appears and invites carrie to dinner that night. this distracts horse-face to the point she drops her passport.
While sunbathing Sam is upset than seeing the rugby players in speedos doesn't turn her on.But later on when she meets a 40-something Danish explorer, she falls for him, refering to him as "Lawrence of My Labia!"
Subtle. So we can conclude that Sam is only attracted to men her age. Thank goodness.
So after some ear sodomising karoake, And after Carrie gets a bad review from a magazine. Spurring carrie to take the dinner date with her ex, kissing him. Charlotte opens up to 'Randa about her parenting problems. Sam risks getting arrested for not covering up. Carrie phones up to confess about kissing Aiden and nothing else. Big speaks for all men by asking "AND?"
Sam is arrested so miranda bails her out. With film business deal off, the girls pack to leave. But Carrie had her passport lost. she finds it at the stall she met Aidan, but charlotte gets kipnapped by black market traders!
FORESHADOWING HAS ARRIVED!
Sam causes more outrage, but the girls are saved by a feminist movement and are escorted to out of Dubai.
And so the film ends with...You know what? WHO CARES? You Just want to know if this Film Sucks!
YES! THIS FILM SUCKS! A THOUSAND TIMES YES! AND A THOUSAND TIMES MORE THAN THE FIRST FILM!
Barely no reference to the first film is made and the pacing was a disjointed as a programing bloc of the show with key episodes missing.And the charectors! If you thought Horse-Face was self-centred before, then hearing her narrate this film as a materialistic fairy tale is the fucking limit! Carrie's direction to be social gladfly after marriage, Sam's continued, and baffling, offence to Islam and charlotte's jealousy towards a minor charector are all selfish acts. Support by the always reliable Dwadji and Nixon is wasted, and cameos by Liza Minelli and Miley Cryus. wastes their talents further. In short this film is just Disgraceful!
(Once again the lights turn red as an air-raid siren blares out.The floor opens and swallows Eamonn whole.
the last thing anyone hears as he is flung into the Abyss.
CAN SOMEBODY HELP ME?
TO BE CONTINUED......?
CREDITS
Review written, edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham.
With music by 4 YEAR STRONG
Sex and the city is property of UNIVERSAL
And music is supplied by vevo.
all links belong to there respected owners.
Follow me on youtube, or request a review, at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Eamonn's top 10 music covers and remixes
(or Lets see Doug walker do a music special!)
A new year for us here. New year, new beginings. a time for something new. This month i'm sharing my top 10 music covers.
10.TAINTED LOVE
This song is an example of what you will hear today. a song taken from Motown into Electronica into rock.here's the 3 versions
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NSehtaY6K1U
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBWrLhgiX74
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0MXklxHlQ
9.FELIX DONT YOU WANT ME INTO Almost every song
Rather than name every song birthed by this track, here's the original
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXFd0_aUCJk
and let recommended videos do the rest!
8.MOONLIGHT WILDERNESS
Music remixes aren't limited to the charts! The video game world has it too!. Here is the awesome moonlit wilderness from tekken 5
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-6e-mjsqxs
So when Tekken tag 2 was announced, boasting a back-catalogue of epic music from 7 games. one would wonder if they would remix this song.
They did,Baby!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7kw3mtVNy8
7.PARADISE.
FLG, The Dutch dance floor destroyer, is famous for his big tracks, put your hands up for Detriot, and Let me be real. this year he did something almost impossible!
HE MADE COLDPLAY SOUND LESS BORING!
Here is the original
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1G4isv_Fylg
If your still awake, here's the remix,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QA5gQQNKlo
6. SHOW ME LOVE (Robin S/Steve Angello)
A big women with a big voice, a dark bar and the most convincing crossdressers dancing with the least convincing crossdressers. it can only be the biggest song of the 90s.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lwaxy3KCfgQ
So natuarally, a remix should have a video that should do it justice! and what did we get?
3 dancers on a bluescreen and m s paint effects!
Weak!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=el-1fJOFC70
5.GREEN HILL ZONE INTO DREAM OF AN ABSOLUTION
Ah, Sonic the hedgehog, a staple in most childhoods. so much fun so many memories. So the 1st level music should send you back to the halcyon days of 91
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SF9ZLNxHaBY
Despite Splitting the fandom in half most people do enjoy the remix into dream of an absolution in sonic 06
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zvjYLAzJb8
4.BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE (Talking heads/Tom Jones)
Most people on Wrestling united would know me for being a HUGE Tom Jones fan. and why not? Tommy boy's smooth voice and leave-her sweatin' moves make his songs a perfect mixtape for hunting pussy!
including this one!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYuFlrSLD84
So imagine my suprise when i heard that was in fact, acover of this song!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xNnAvTTaJjm
(at this point the libary computer failed to save any paragraph i wrote so i'll just put in the link now and paragraphs later!
3 Waiting for a star to fall
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxlAK8okgdE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2c1Y34vgrl8
2. dr beat in to dr pressure
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjZ4LPCHIF8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tb3RLqY9Xo
1.GIMME SOME LOVING
http://www/youtube.com/watch?v=VxA3atHD2QM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F4VbPBJz6SU
A new year for us here. New year, new beginings. a time for something new. This month i'm sharing my top 10 music covers.
10.TAINTED LOVE
This song is an example of what you will hear today. a song taken from Motown into Electronica into rock.here's the 3 versions
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NSehtaY6K1U
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBWrLhgiX74
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0MXklxHlQ
9.FELIX DONT YOU WANT ME INTO Almost every song
Rather than name every song birthed by this track, here's the original
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXFd0_aUCJk
and let recommended videos do the rest!
8.MOONLIGHT WILDERNESS
Music remixes aren't limited to the charts! The video game world has it too!. Here is the awesome moonlit wilderness from tekken 5
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-6e-mjsqxs
So when Tekken tag 2 was announced, boasting a back-catalogue of epic music from 7 games. one would wonder if they would remix this song.
They did,Baby!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7kw3mtVNy8
7.PARADISE.
FLG, The Dutch dance floor destroyer, is famous for his big tracks, put your hands up for Detriot, and Let me be real. this year he did something almost impossible!
HE MADE COLDPLAY SOUND LESS BORING!
Here is the original
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1G4isv_Fylg
If your still awake, here's the remix,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QA5gQQNKlo
6. SHOW ME LOVE (Robin S/Steve Angello)
A big women with a big voice, a dark bar and the most convincing crossdressers dancing with the least convincing crossdressers. it can only be the biggest song of the 90s.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lwaxy3KCfgQ
So natuarally, a remix should have a video that should do it justice! and what did we get?
3 dancers on a bluescreen and m s paint effects!
Weak!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=el-1fJOFC70
5.GREEN HILL ZONE INTO DREAM OF AN ABSOLUTION
Ah, Sonic the hedgehog, a staple in most childhoods. so much fun so many memories. So the 1st level music should send you back to the halcyon days of 91
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SF9ZLNxHaBY
Despite Splitting the fandom in half most people do enjoy the remix into dream of an absolution in sonic 06
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zvjYLAzJb8
4.BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE (Talking heads/Tom Jones)
Most people on Wrestling united would know me for being a HUGE Tom Jones fan. and why not? Tommy boy's smooth voice and leave-her sweatin' moves make his songs a perfect mixtape for hunting pussy!
including this one!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYuFlrSLD84
So imagine my suprise when i heard that was in fact, acover of this song!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xNnAvTTaJjm
(at this point the libary computer failed to save any paragraph i wrote so i'll just put in the link now and paragraphs later!
3 Waiting for a star to fall
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxlAK8okgdE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2c1Y34vgrl8
2. dr beat in to dr pressure
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjZ4LPCHIF8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tb3RLqY9Xo
1.GIMME SOME LOVING
http://www/youtube.com/watch?v=VxA3atHD2QM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F4VbPBJz6SU
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Love actually is shit actually!
BOGGER BOX OFFICE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
(EAMONN'S LINES IN BLACK)
(JOE-JACK'S LINES IN BLUE)
(80'S LAD LINES IN ORANGE)
("SANTA"'S LINE IN RED)
(AN IRISH CITY CENTRE. THE FANTASY, ITS SNOWING.
THE REALITY, ITS RAINING MAKING THE SHOPPERS TENSION BREAK MORE THAN THE PAPER BAGS THAT CAN'T TAKE A DROP OF MOISTURE.)
(HOWEVER TRYING THEIR BEST TO RAISE SPIRITS OF SHOPPERS ARE OUR HEROES, CAROLING IN THE STREET.
Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat,
Please put a penny in the old man's hat.
If you don't have a penny,
A ha'penny will do.....
AND IF YA DON'T HAVE A PENNY, YOUS CAN GO FU-
Hey EAMONN-DUDE, Why you covering Culchie-Dude's mouth?
(sarcastically) AM I?
-YOU'RE STILL DOING IT!
So I Have!(eamonn releases a purple faced joe-jack from the headlock)
Whatever, man! I'm gonna check out some tunage at HMV!
Did 80's Lad say he was going to a music shop?
I Don't know wot ,e says arf da tiome!
We have to stop him. the shock may kill him!
(Our heroes find a shocked 80s Lad in a listening booth with a shocked look on his face. a passer by tells Eamonn that he was listening to Dirty bit by BEP, Flo Rida Spin me Round and Glee's 80's Album
IT'S SO HORRIBLE! SO HORRIBLE HOW CAN ANYONE CANNIBALISE GREAT SONGS LIKE THAT? YOU BASTARDS! BASTARDS!!!1!!
Calm down, 80's lad watch some TV!
(80's lad watches Jersey shore)
IT'S TRUE! MTV DOESN'T SHOW MUSIC! HAS THE WORLD GONE MAD? AAAAAARRRRGGGHH!!!
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
Merry Christmas everyone! Starting this year and from now on, December's entry into bogger box office will a celluloid coal lump in your stockings! this year we have a big start.
(This months theme-the only good thing from this film, Girls Aloud-jump http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rK7ZhB_m4gc&ob=av2e
Boy, is the film overdue a spanking, but at face value it shouldn't have been that offensive. Our old friend, Hugh Pervo Grant leads an all star cast(and the one from the yogurt ads.) Directed by Richard Curtis who directed four weddings and wrote The Boat That Rocked.
So you have 9 of Britain's biggest stars,a director that gets the best out of Grant, who wrote my favourite film.
How bad can it be?
(sigh)
Pretty bad!
So lets dig into Love Actually and see if it's any good!....Of course not! who's blog do you think your reading?
So the film starts in Heathrow Airport,as Hugh voiceovers that even in an age in a warFor oil and Gold against terror, Love is All Around.
We cut to Bill Nighy in a recording studio.
Get use to this random Segueing as we don't have one storyline we have 10.
Storyline 1 sees nighy as Billie Mac, an ageing rock star that is butchering Love is all around. but its actually a new track called CHRISTMAS Is All Around!
In case its wasn't tacked on enough it's Christmas here in London. Colin Firth is late for work in Storyline 2,Liam Neeson in storyline 3 rings up Emma thompson who's daughter's Nativity play is Storyline 4. The wedding of Kiera Knightley's character is storyline 5. In Downing Street the new Prime Minister arrives in storyline 6, Hugh Grant.
WHAT A TERRIFYING CONCEPT! WHAT'S THE AGE OF CONSENT IN THIS FILMS UNIVERSE? 15? WHAT'S HIS POLICIES? UP WITH SKIRTS, DOWN WITH KNICKERS?
Anyway, his love interest (Martine McCutcheon) is storyline 7
Ah, Martine McCutcheon, the Reason this film tanked, everyone else involved has won Baftas and she doing ads for Yogurt. Abysmal Actress in Abysmal soap Eastenders, turned one-(s)hit wonder pop star, to Z-LIST Lad mag covergirl, to as mention spokes woman for a certain German Yogurt Brand.
Almost forgotten about is nude model,Julie(Joanne page) in storyline 8.
So the Film starts proper in storyline 5, where as after taking her vows Juliette(Knightley) See's her guests flash mob into a orchestra.
Now in 2, Jamie (Firth) returns to find his wife has cheated on him with his brother. Back at the wedding That Ginger Twat from My Family plays Colin who plans to go to America to Pull Birds in storyline 9.
Meanwhile the funeral of Neesons wife is the introduction proper in storyline 3. Meanwhile in an office building, Sarah (Laura Linney) confesses to Harry(Alan Rickman) that she is love with their boss. Harry is also having an affair with his secretary. so Office Affairs are storyline 10.
Back to storyline 1, Billy being interviewed by a DJ (Played by stand-up Marcus Brigstock) Billy's brutal honesty about his turd of a record, makes his manager very unhappy
Storyline 6 and PM Pervo Government is planning to welcome it's Daddy, the American President. A joke of who Hugh has to fuck for a cuppa, reveals McCutcheon as his P.A.
Ha, jokes on you, audience! if women evolved pedals, grant would ride them in seconds flat!
Back in 8, Julie is Discussing the Prime Minister....During a sex scene! is the act that bad that she would rather discuss politics? I know must women spare guys feelings by faking it!
10 and rickman has his secretary coming on to him.
3+4 intertwine as neeson and Karen (Thompson) help his son over the death his mother. So Karen tells Neeson to talk to his son who reveals he is in love with a girl from school.
10, and Sarah confronts her boss, but flakes.
2, and Jamie goes to France when his marriage breaks down and to work on his novel. In 7, PM Pervo is chatting up Natalie (McCutcheon)
Storyline 3 now as Neeson gives his 8-year son (Charlie Highmore) romance tips.
BBBBZZZT!
The Correct response is to say "go kick a ball, like every other boy your age!"
Back in 1, Billy Mac is on Cd:uk (remember that show?) and insults the boyband blue by Graffitizing "we have tiny dicks!" on their merch!
5 and Juliette wants the wedding video from the best man. the best is the porn director in the act museum that Julie works at.Clearly something good will come from this(!)
Storyline 10 and Harry's assistant recommends the Museum for their office party, flirting again with Snape.
Back at 2, Jamie has a new assistant that cannot speak English. The awkwardness is somewhat of a precursor to the King's Speech.
Back at Hugh Grant's Downing Street Love Palace, the U.S President has arrived and hits on Natalie , who is (supposed to look) shocked by this.
Yeah You Suck at This Whole Acting Thing, Dontcha, Martine?
At the Press Conference,PM Pervo tells the prez that Britain is not America's Bitch! To much fanfare by the press. Its revealed that Karen is Pervo's sister, who is married to harry.
This segues into THAT scene from this film.the scene of Hugh Dancing to Jump by the pointer sisters. its pointless and not funny.
Meanwhile in 2, Jamie is still running head first into the Language Barrier. When pages of his manuscript blow onto a lake, the assistant strips to her underwear to get them after they break down the barrier to talk about the book.
Back at 5. Juliette discovers the best man is in love with her.
Back at 6, David(Hugh) fires Nat to spare the feelings for her.
Feelings for her?
all during this film Natalie has being too thick to work that you like her!
Storyline 3 now and Neeson teaches his son about romance this segues to...a Scene from Titanic?
THANK YOU, SWEET JESUS! They must have burned titanic on to the disc by accident.
(Scene reveals itself to be Neeson and Highmore watching Titanic)
NONONONO!!!! GO BACK TO THE GOOD FILM! I WANT THE GOOD FILM AND NOT (crying) THIS PIECE OF SHIT!
Back in 2, Jamie returns to England. In 1, Billy's video is a ripoff of addicted to love. Highmore sees this and becomes a musician to impress the girl. Rickman is finally seduced in 10. Sarah finally beds her boss and its revealed Sarah has a suicidal brother. This is a ruse to make Linney's Character more likable.
IT DOESN'T WORK!
Storyline 4 and 10 and Harry is buying a necklace for his paramour, but Rowan Atkinson's viscosity in packing it only make Karen think the necklace is for her.
Some of the lesser storyline end. first Colin goes to America and pulls birds, Billy becomes number1, The nude models become an item,Jamie returns to France, Sarah and Carl sever all ties, and the best mans feeling remain unrequited.
P.M.Pervo gets a Christmas card from Natalie who promptly goes knocking on every door on her street, to find her.Driving to the Nativity in the Merged Climax, Ending Highmore performance by kissing on stage. Karen and Harry argue about the affair.
So the film ends with all the cast meeting at Heathrow.
Because this film has 10 storylines, i will be judging them separately.
THE BILLY MAC STORYLINE DIDN'T SUCK!
....Apart from Nighy singing! However, as the self deprecating aging rocker he was quite endearing.
THE JAMIE STORYLINE DIDNT SUCK!
Colin firth again gave a great performance as the heartbroken writer who found love again. the scenes where tender and the Fun With Subtitles from the Portuguese assistant was hilarious.
THE NEESON STORYLINE SUCKED!
If you thought it was a family learning to cope without a parent....wrong it was about Neeson teaching an 8-year about the birds and bees.
THE NATIVITY STORYLINE SUCKED!
...They Didn't go into why the Play had a nautical theme. But I can only guess it was Political Correctness Gone MAD!
THE WEDDING STORYLINE DID'NT SUCK!
I love the musical set piece of the congregation becoming an orchestra to play all you need is love.However it tanked by becoming a tale of unrequited love with that guy from teachers. However given it's shortness, it was unoffensive.
THE PM AND NATALIE STORYLINES SUCKED! AND SUCKED HARD!
As i said McCutcheon blew her chance to world stardom in this film. And the fact that Pervo got top billing this was the storyline.
THE NUDE MODELS STORYLINE SUCKED!
Not so much storyline as running commentary to what we just saw. Joanna Page isn't that attractive naked (though Your Mileage May Vary) and her voice is grating.
THE COLIN IN AMERICA STORYLINE SUCKED!
At least the other stories were about love and not lust. this story also had the most stereotypical dumb Yanks since Amy Adams went to Ireland in Leap Year: THE MOST RACIST FILM EVER MADE!
THE OFFICE AFFAIRS STORYLINE DIDN'T SUCK!
Thompson and Rickman have amazing chemistry, and though this film had a Downer ending. Staying together for the sake their children is more believable than the leader of Britian knocking on every door in London to find love interest oblivious to his advances.
So despite having 4 storyline that were great or funny,
THIS FILM SUCKS!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
NO REFUNDS!
(Later That Night, a figure in red magically appears in the Enlightened Towers' green room.this wakes up 80's Lad, who was waiting for Santa)
SANTA?
WHAT are you dyslexic or something?
("Santa" punches 80's with what looks like a wing, leaving a present for eamonn.)
A COPY OF SEX AND THE CITY 2 WITH THE MESSAGE WRITTEN IN BLOOD...
DO NOT OPEN TIL FEBRUARY 12TH!
CREDITS
Bogger box office Christmas review written, compiled and edited by Eamonn Bermingham.
with music by Girls aloud.
Love Actually is released by warner brothers
and Girls aloud link is courtesty of vevo.
All clips belong to their respected owners.
Follow me on youtube at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
(EAMONN'S LINES IN BLACK)
(JOE-JACK'S LINES IN BLUE)
(80'S LAD LINES IN ORANGE)
("SANTA"'S LINE IN RED)
(AN IRISH CITY CENTRE. THE FANTASY, ITS SNOWING.
THE REALITY, ITS RAINING MAKING THE SHOPPERS TENSION BREAK MORE THAN THE PAPER BAGS THAT CAN'T TAKE A DROP OF MOISTURE.)
(HOWEVER TRYING THEIR BEST TO RAISE SPIRITS OF SHOPPERS ARE OUR HEROES, CAROLING IN THE STREET.
Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat,
Please put a penny in the old man's hat.
If you don't have a penny,
A ha'penny will do.....
AND IF YA DON'T HAVE A PENNY, YOUS CAN GO FU-
Hey EAMONN-DUDE, Why you covering Culchie-Dude's mouth?
(sarcastically) AM I?
-YOU'RE STILL DOING IT!
So I Have!(eamonn releases a purple faced joe-jack from the headlock)
Whatever, man! I'm gonna check out some tunage at HMV!
Did 80's Lad say he was going to a music shop?
I Don't know wot ,e says arf da tiome!
We have to stop him. the shock may kill him!
(Our heroes find a shocked 80s Lad in a listening booth with a shocked look on his face. a passer by tells Eamonn that he was listening to Dirty bit by BEP, Flo Rida Spin me Round and Glee's 80's Album
IT'S SO HORRIBLE! SO HORRIBLE HOW CAN ANYONE CANNIBALISE GREAT SONGS LIKE THAT? YOU BASTARDS! BASTARDS!!!1!!
Calm down, 80's lad watch some TV!
(80's lad watches Jersey shore)
IT'S TRUE! MTV DOESN'T SHOW MUSIC! HAS THE WORLD GONE MAD? AAAAAARRRRGGGHH!!!
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
Merry Christmas everyone! Starting this year and from now on, December's entry into bogger box office will a celluloid coal lump in your stockings! this year we have a big start.
(This months theme-the only good thing from this film, Girls Aloud-jump http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rK7ZhB_m4gc&ob=av2e
Boy, is the film overdue a spanking, but at face value it shouldn't have been that offensive. Our old friend, Hugh Pervo Grant leads an all star cast(and the one from the yogurt ads.) Directed by Richard Curtis who directed four weddings and wrote The Boat That Rocked.
So you have 9 of Britain's biggest stars,a director that gets the best out of Grant, who wrote my favourite film.
How bad can it be?
(sigh)
Pretty bad!
So lets dig into Love Actually and see if it's any good!....Of course not! who's blog do you think your reading?
So the film starts in Heathrow Airport,as Hugh voiceovers that even in an age in a war
We cut to Bill Nighy in a recording studio.
Get use to this random Segueing as we don't have one storyline we have 10.
Storyline 1 sees nighy as Billie Mac, an ageing rock star that is butchering Love is all around. but its actually a new track called CHRISTMAS Is All Around!
In case its wasn't tacked on enough it's Christmas here in London. Colin Firth is late for work in Storyline 2,Liam Neeson in storyline 3 rings up Emma thompson who's daughter's Nativity play is Storyline 4. The wedding of Kiera Knightley's character is storyline 5. In Downing Street the new Prime Minister arrives in storyline 6, Hugh Grant.
WHAT A TERRIFYING CONCEPT! WHAT'S THE AGE OF CONSENT IN THIS FILMS UNIVERSE? 15? WHAT'S HIS POLICIES? UP WITH SKIRTS, DOWN WITH KNICKERS?
Anyway, his love interest (Martine McCutcheon) is storyline 7
Ah, Martine McCutcheon, the Reason this film tanked, everyone else involved has won Baftas and she doing ads for Yogurt. Abysmal Actress in Abysmal soap Eastenders, turned one-(s)hit wonder pop star, to Z-LIST Lad mag covergirl, to as mention spokes woman for a certain German Yogurt Brand.
Almost forgotten about is nude model,Julie(Joanne page) in storyline 8.
So the Film starts proper in storyline 5, where as after taking her vows Juliette(Knightley) See's her guests flash mob into a orchestra.
Now in 2, Jamie (Firth) returns to find his wife has cheated on him with his brother. Back at the wedding That Ginger Twat from My Family plays Colin who plans to go to America to Pull Birds in storyline 9.
Meanwhile the funeral of Neesons wife is the introduction proper in storyline 3. Meanwhile in an office building, Sarah (Laura Linney) confesses to Harry(Alan Rickman) that she is love with their boss. Harry is also having an affair with his secretary. so Office Affairs are storyline 10.
Back to storyline 1, Billy being interviewed by a DJ (Played by stand-up Marcus Brigstock) Billy's brutal honesty about his turd of a record, makes his manager very unhappy
Storyline 6 and PM Pervo Government is planning to welcome it's Daddy, the American President. A joke of who Hugh has to fuck for a cuppa, reveals McCutcheon as his P.A.
Ha, jokes on you, audience! if women evolved pedals, grant would ride them in seconds flat!
Back in 8, Julie is Discussing the Prime Minister....During a sex scene! is the act that bad that she would rather discuss politics? I know must women spare guys feelings by faking it!
10 and rickman has his secretary coming on to him.
3+4 intertwine as neeson and Karen (Thompson) help his son over the death his mother. So Karen tells Neeson to talk to his son who reveals he is in love with a girl from school.
10, and Sarah confronts her boss, but flakes.
2, and Jamie goes to France when his marriage breaks down and to work on his novel. In 7, PM Pervo is chatting up Natalie (McCutcheon)
Storyline 3 now as Neeson gives his 8-year son (Charlie Highmore) romance tips.
BBBBZZZT!
The Correct response is to say "go kick a ball, like every other boy your age!"
Back in 1, Billy Mac is on Cd:uk (remember that show?) and insults the boyband blue by Graffitizing "we have tiny dicks!" on their merch!
5 and Juliette wants the wedding video from the best man. the best is the porn director in the act museum that Julie works at.Clearly something good will come from this(!)
Storyline 10 and Harry's assistant recommends the Museum for their office party, flirting again with Snape.
Back at 2, Jamie has a new assistant that cannot speak English. The awkwardness is somewhat of a precursor to the King's Speech.
Back at Hugh Grant's Downing Street Love Palace, the U.S President has arrived and hits on Natalie , who is (supposed to look) shocked by this.
Yeah You Suck at This Whole Acting Thing, Dontcha, Martine?
At the Press Conference,PM Pervo tells the prez that Britain is not America's Bitch! To much fanfare by the press. Its revealed that Karen is Pervo's sister, who is married to harry.
This segues into THAT scene from this film.the scene of Hugh Dancing to Jump by the pointer sisters. its pointless and not funny.
Meanwhile in 2, Jamie is still running head first into the Language Barrier. When pages of his manuscript blow onto a lake, the assistant strips to her underwear to get them after they break down the barrier to talk about the book.
Back at 5. Juliette discovers the best man is in love with her.
Back at 6, David(Hugh) fires Nat to spare the feelings for her.
Feelings for her?
all during this film Natalie has being too thick to work that you like her!
Storyline 3 now and Neeson teaches his son about romance this segues to...a Scene from Titanic?
THANK YOU, SWEET JESUS! They must have burned titanic on to the disc by accident.
(Scene reveals itself to be Neeson and Highmore watching Titanic)
NONONONO!!!! GO BACK TO THE GOOD FILM! I WANT THE GOOD FILM AND NOT (crying) THIS PIECE OF SHIT!
Back in 2, Jamie returns to England. In 1, Billy's video is a ripoff of addicted to love. Highmore sees this and becomes a musician to impress the girl. Rickman is finally seduced in 10. Sarah finally beds her boss and its revealed Sarah has a suicidal brother. This is a ruse to make Linney's Character more likable.
IT DOESN'T WORK!
Storyline 4 and 10 and Harry is buying a necklace for his paramour, but Rowan Atkinson's viscosity in packing it only make Karen think the necklace is for her.
Some of the lesser storyline end. first Colin goes to America and pulls birds, Billy becomes number1, The nude models become an item,Jamie returns to France, Sarah and Carl sever all ties, and the best mans feeling remain unrequited.
P.M.Pervo gets a Christmas card from Natalie who promptly goes knocking on every door on her street, to find her.Driving to the Nativity in the Merged Climax, Ending Highmore performance by kissing on stage. Karen and Harry argue about the affair.
So the film ends with all the cast meeting at Heathrow.
Because this film has 10 storylines, i will be judging them separately.
THE BILLY MAC STORYLINE DIDN'T SUCK!
....Apart from Nighy singing! However, as the self deprecating aging rocker he was quite endearing.
THE JAMIE STORYLINE DIDNT SUCK!
Colin firth again gave a great performance as the heartbroken writer who found love again. the scenes where tender and the Fun With Subtitles from the Portuguese assistant was hilarious.
THE NEESON STORYLINE SUCKED!
If you thought it was a family learning to cope without a parent....wrong it was about Neeson teaching an 8-year about the birds and bees.
THE NATIVITY STORYLINE SUCKED!
...They Didn't go into why the Play had a nautical theme. But I can only guess it was Political Correctness Gone MAD!
THE WEDDING STORYLINE DID'NT SUCK!
I love the musical set piece of the congregation becoming an orchestra to play all you need is love.However it tanked by becoming a tale of unrequited love with that guy from teachers. However given it's shortness, it was unoffensive.
THE PM AND NATALIE STORYLINES SUCKED! AND SUCKED HARD!
As i said McCutcheon blew her chance to world stardom in this film. And the fact that Pervo got top billing this was the storyline.
THE NUDE MODELS STORYLINE SUCKED!
Not so much storyline as running commentary to what we just saw. Joanna Page isn't that attractive naked (though Your Mileage May Vary) and her voice is grating.
THE COLIN IN AMERICA STORYLINE SUCKED!
At least the other stories were about love and not lust. this story also had the most stereotypical dumb Yanks since Amy Adams went to Ireland in Leap Year: THE MOST RACIST FILM EVER MADE!
THE OFFICE AFFAIRS STORYLINE DIDN'T SUCK!
Thompson and Rickman have amazing chemistry, and though this film had a Downer ending. Staying together for the sake their children is more believable than the leader of Britian knocking on every door in London to find love interest oblivious to his advances.
So despite having 4 storyline that were great or funny,
THIS FILM SUCKS!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
NO REFUNDS!
(Later That Night, a figure in red magically appears in the Enlightened Towers' green room.this wakes up 80's Lad, who was waiting for Santa)
SANTA?
WHAT are you dyslexic or something?
("Santa" punches 80's with what looks like a wing, leaving a present for eamonn.)
A COPY OF SEX AND THE CITY 2 WITH THE MESSAGE WRITTEN IN BLOOD...
DO NOT OPEN TIL FEBRUARY 12TH!
CREDITS
Bogger box office Christmas review written, compiled and edited by Eamonn Bermingham.
with music by Girls aloud.
Love Actually is released by warner brothers
and Girls aloud link is courtesty of vevo.
All clips belong to their respected owners.
Follow me on youtube at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Eamonn and Joe-jack argue about who reviews the general
(EAMONN'S LINES IN BLACK)
(JOE-JACK'S LINES IN BLUE)
(BECAUSE JOE-JACK IS REVIEWING THIS MONTH, AS POETIC LICENCE, ALL SPELLING MISTAKES ARE INTENTIONAL
Hello and welcome to Bogger box office. We have an exciting review this month and....
(Eamonn is interrupted by a Tractor that runs through the wall of the studio. With a leap, Joe-Jack lands on Eamonn, hitting him repeatedly with a stale Black Pudding.
NOW YOU LISSEN AND LISSEN GUD, YA MAD HOOER YA! I'M SICK OV YA TAKING OVA MY INTERWEBS! I DON'T KARE IF MY SPELLIN'Z IS WRONG, I JUST WANTZ ONE REVIEW THAT ISN'T SOME FILLIUM ABOU' A CARTOON OR VID-JOE GAME. IZ DAT TOO MUCH T'ASK?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfNzi2udApA
Joe-Jack, You should have said something, of course you can review this film. And its a special treat this month.We are looking at a film that won the Palm D'or at Cannes in 1998. that film is the general.
Tell dese people abou' da legend dat iz da General.
Legend? You're not one of those people that supported Cahill? Martin Cahill was an Irish crime-boss, a small-time burgular until he and his gang robbed O'Brien's and the Beit Collection.It May be written as a black comedy, but Cahill was a vicious thug and bigamist that used force, torture, castration and cruxifiction to get his way.
Da Fillium starts in 1994 as dis iz da year The IRA Shot Cahill dead.
And as the scene is rewound, Cahill's (Brendan Gleeson) life flashes before his eyes.
We start in Martin's childhood. Him and his bro'hers have stolen groceries and are chased be Gards. but the tenement-dwellers attack the gards and Martin has stolen to provide for his family.
But one night, Martin over-reaches himself by stealing a pig and gets caught, beaten,sent to the Christian Brothers and Abused. we jump 20 years to him in prison.
His wife, Francis tells Martin that the County Council is evicting his family.
On his way out, Martin returns home to see the Gards, flanked by Sargeant Kenny(Jon Voight) taking families from their homes.
Martin holds a protest as he plans to sue Dublin for breach of human rights. To which they answer by burning his caravan.
Forced to move to his sister in law/second wifes house, Martin does Christmas shopping Grinch-Style!
Frances and Tina find a suitable house but its £80,000! Martin scrapes up the money, gets a cheque and resteals the money a minute later!
So martin gets the house but also an unwelcome visitor, a Police Surveilence Unit
Next scene and Martin robs an arcade but gets caught, It's this where he gets a revealation, he is sick of being small time. If the Cahill Gang are going down, it might as well be for something big. Martin wants to steal from O'Connors Jewellers, a place so fortified, not even the IRA with its firepower could steal from it.
But Martin reveals he has an inside man in the jewellers.
The next day the forensic expert in the court case gets attacked by a car-bomb but survives.
The Trial is on the way,And Martin is beaten by gards to get a confession. Beaten and Bruised, he and Noel Curley(Adrian Dunbar) case the near-fortress that is O'Connors.
Cahill's Thug Gary is ordered to shout abuse to cause a mistrail. A cut away scene shows Martin breaking into a library, reading law books while hanging of a rope!
Martin and his gang Steal from o'connors first by posing as electricians but disarms the alarms. then performs an audacious smash and grab stealing a reported 2 million in gold and jewels. Because of his military style planning, Gary gives martin the name he became known as-the General!
Knowin' dat da Arcade worker will not be threatened by Martin, Because the Larceny Act. Cahill is acquitted.
It is a huge Gambit that pays of for the General! However there is a problem. The only people wanting to buy the gold is the London Underground. So Cahill, a pigeon enthusiast in life hires Jimmy, a fellow racer in his gang. to smuggle the gold. problem solved!
....Until 1 ov da gold bars iz missing. and Cahill will have no traitors in his gang.
So Jimmy is splayed on a pool table and cruxified on it!
A meeting with da 'Rah goes wrong. Dey wantz half da gold but Cahill refuses, so da Rah convinces people dat Da Cahill gang are Drug dealers. And while dere neighbours think buyin' stolen gear is grand, dey draw da line at drug dealers!
To convince Corcerned Parents Against Drugs,Martin forms Concerned Criminals Against Drugs,saving Noel from eviction and getting his help for what was considered the crime of his career; The Stealing of the Beit Collection from the National Gallery.
Brilliant, So it was!
No it was'nt! They grabbed the paintings while the elderly Guard asleep! They might as well have said YOINK! as they Grabbed the paintings!
But with da paintings in bad shape, and policitions, Da Rah and rival Gangs wantin' his head, Martin gets a heart attack!
Desparate and with his men gone, Martin sells the paintings to British Loyalists, making him a marked man for the IRA.
A paranoid general has nothing now. Everything bought with the money is taken, destroyed or corrupted. Da house iz surrounded be Gards, his friends are gone, the gang thinks he took the shilling, and his pigeons dead.
And to wrap it up, the Cahills celebrate the Gards leaving, only for the Ira to shoot Cahill the next day.
After Da commitments, The General is the Greatest film produced in Ireland. Gleeson is terrific as the wise-cracking crim, thanks to John Boorman's sharply written script. Special mention goes to Jon Voight convincin' Irish accent, and Sheamus Deasy black and white filmography. Track down this fim while you can.
CREDITS
Review of the General, written, edited and compliled by- and also writting as Joe-Jack by Eamonn Bermingham http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
with music by Van morrison
The General is owned by Warner Brothers
all music used belong to its respected owners.
(JOE-JACK'S LINES IN BLUE)
(BECAUSE JOE-JACK IS REVIEWING THIS MONTH, AS POETIC LICENCE, ALL SPELLING MISTAKES ARE INTENTIONAL
Hello and welcome to Bogger box office. We have an exciting review this month and....
(Eamonn is interrupted by a Tractor that runs through the wall of the studio. With a leap, Joe-Jack lands on Eamonn, hitting him repeatedly with a stale Black Pudding.
NOW YOU LISSEN AND LISSEN GUD, YA MAD HOOER YA! I'M SICK OV YA TAKING OVA MY INTERWEBS! I DON'T KARE IF MY SPELLIN'Z IS WRONG, I JUST WANTZ ONE REVIEW THAT ISN'T SOME FILLIUM ABOU' A CARTOON OR VID-JOE GAME. IZ DAT TOO MUCH T'ASK?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfNzi2udApA
Joe-Jack, You should have said something, of course you can review this film. And its a special treat this month.We are looking at a film that won the Palm D'or at Cannes in 1998. that film is the general.
Tell dese people abou' da legend dat iz da General.
Legend? You're not one of those people that supported Cahill? Martin Cahill was an Irish crime-boss, a small-time burgular until he and his gang robbed O'Brien's and the Beit Collection.It May be written as a black comedy, but Cahill was a vicious thug and bigamist that used force, torture, castration and cruxifiction to get his way.
Da Fillium starts in 1994 as dis iz da year The IRA Shot Cahill dead.
And as the scene is rewound, Cahill's (Brendan Gleeson) life flashes before his eyes.
We start in Martin's childhood. Him and his bro'hers have stolen groceries and are chased be Gards. but the tenement-dwellers attack the gards and Martin has stolen to provide for his family.
But one night, Martin over-reaches himself by stealing a pig and gets caught, beaten,sent to the Christian Brothers and Abused. we jump 20 years to him in prison.
His wife, Francis tells Martin that the County Council is evicting his family.
On his way out, Martin returns home to see the Gards, flanked by Sargeant Kenny(Jon Voight) taking families from their homes.
Martin holds a protest as he plans to sue Dublin for breach of human rights. To which they answer by burning his caravan.
Forced to move to his sister in law/second wifes house, Martin does Christmas shopping Grinch-Style!
Frances and Tina find a suitable house but its £80,000! Martin scrapes up the money, gets a cheque and resteals the money a minute later!
So martin gets the house but also an unwelcome visitor, a Police Surveilence Unit
Next scene and Martin robs an arcade but gets caught, It's this where he gets a revealation, he is sick of being small time. If the Cahill Gang are going down, it might as well be for something big. Martin wants to steal from O'Connors Jewellers, a place so fortified, not even the IRA with its firepower could steal from it.
But Martin reveals he has an inside man in the jewellers.
The next day the forensic expert in the court case gets attacked by a car-bomb but survives.
The Trial is on the way,And Martin is beaten by gards to get a confession. Beaten and Bruised, he and Noel Curley(Adrian Dunbar) case the near-fortress that is O'Connors.
Cahill's Thug Gary is ordered to shout abuse to cause a mistrail. A cut away scene shows Martin breaking into a library, reading law books while hanging of a rope!
Martin and his gang Steal from o'connors first by posing as electricians but disarms the alarms. then performs an audacious smash and grab stealing a reported 2 million in gold and jewels. Because of his military style planning, Gary gives martin the name he became known as-the General!
Knowin' dat da Arcade worker will not be threatened by Martin, Because the Larceny Act. Cahill is acquitted.
It is a huge Gambit that pays of for the General! However there is a problem. The only people wanting to buy the gold is the London Underground. So Cahill, a pigeon enthusiast in life hires Jimmy, a fellow racer in his gang. to smuggle the gold. problem solved!
....Until 1 ov da gold bars iz missing. and Cahill will have no traitors in his gang.
So Jimmy is splayed on a pool table and cruxified on it!
A meeting with da 'Rah goes wrong. Dey wantz half da gold but Cahill refuses, so da Rah convinces people dat Da Cahill gang are Drug dealers. And while dere neighbours think buyin' stolen gear is grand, dey draw da line at drug dealers!
To convince Corcerned Parents Against Drugs,Martin forms Concerned Criminals Against Drugs,saving Noel from eviction and getting his help for what was considered the crime of his career; The Stealing of the Beit Collection from the National Gallery.
Brilliant, So it was!
No it was'nt! They grabbed the paintings while the elderly Guard asleep! They might as well have said YOINK! as they Grabbed the paintings!
But with da paintings in bad shape, and policitions, Da Rah and rival Gangs wantin' his head, Martin gets a heart attack!
Desparate and with his men gone, Martin sells the paintings to British Loyalists, making him a marked man for the IRA.
A paranoid general has nothing now. Everything bought with the money is taken, destroyed or corrupted. Da house iz surrounded be Gards, his friends are gone, the gang thinks he took the shilling, and his pigeons dead.
And to wrap it up, the Cahills celebrate the Gards leaving, only for the Ira to shoot Cahill the next day.
After Da commitments, The General is the Greatest film produced in Ireland. Gleeson is terrific as the wise-cracking crim, thanks to John Boorman's sharply written script. Special mention goes to Jon Voight convincin' Irish accent, and Sheamus Deasy black and white filmography. Track down this fim while you can.
CREDITS
Review of the General, written, edited and compliled by- and also writting as Joe-Jack by Eamonn Bermingham http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
with music by Van morrison
The General is owned by Warner Brothers
all music used belong to its respected owners.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Halloween special Dragonball Evolution
(EAMONN'S REVIEW IN BLACK)
(JOE-JACK'S LINE IN BLUE)
(80'S LAD LINE IN ORANGE)
(?????? LINE IN RED)
....THE STORY SO FAR.....
FOR ALMOST A YEAR NOW, SOMEONE HAS BEING TRYING TO KILL OUR HEROES AND CLAIM EAMONN'S POWERS. BEING SAVED BY AN OUIJA BOARD MARKER, EAMONN NOW FINDS HIMSELF HOLED UP IN JOE-JACKS HOUSE IN BUTT-CRAIC, WEST OV IRELAND.
Do you have the board?
Ya, but oi wantz t'remin'ya dat dis iz a bad idea. Fer da last 2 years my house haz being attacked be Zombies?
DUDE! Didn't your moonshine turn those people into zombies?
GET OV MY LAND! *GUNSHOT*
FINE LETS GET THIS DONE!
(Placing the marker on the board, its speeds by its own power and intention spelling out a message.
IN 7 MONTHS THE TRAIN WILL ARRIVE. ONLY ONE TICKET WILL BE GIVEN!
(And with that the marker vanishes in a blinding flash of light.)
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
If you were here last month, you'll remember me talking about Avatar fanboys that went crazy after TLAB.
Well this month we have a bigger disapointment of a film.
Dragonball.
we didnt have it in ireland, as it was deemed to violent for a cartoon.And it would come to no suprise that film will not trigger nostalgia at all.
However. the film clips have being spliced online with old TGWTG members review but never properly reviewed by them so submitted for your viewing curiousity, here is a proper review of Dragonball: Evolution.
We are told that Picollo, an evil demon was defeated by warriors and placed into an urn in the centre of Earth, while his cohort, Ozaru disapearred.
Goku, who is no longer a muscular badass with a monkey tail, is now a teenager with The Gulf of Mexico worth of oil in his hair in modern day america. After sparing with his granfather he is given a dragonball for his birthday.
Meanwhile in china a hot chick in a catsuit steals a second dragonball for her master, Picollo (James "spike" Marsters) who escaped from his prison off-screen and because the plot says so!
After Grandad tells goku that collecting the 7 dragonballs will give that person a wish, Goku leaves for chi-chi's party, beating up the least threathening bullies ever.
So Grandad dies fighting off Picollo who tells goku to seek a Master Roshi. Going through his stuff he finds a gi, when suddenly he is attacked by Bulma (Emmy Rossum). Bulma has a dragonball and is doing research into turning it into a renewable energy source.Joining forces, they head to Pahzuuu to find roshi. sensing a dragonball, they break into a house where goku is attacked by an old man with lumbago, who promptly kicks the World's Mightiest Heroes ass! This is Master Roshi(played hammingly by Chow Yun Fat)
Meanwhile piccolo dries up a lake to retrieve a 4th dragonball.
Our heroes arrive at the stone temple. where Chi-chi and other fighters a training for a tournament. the 3 get caught in a pit trap by a bandit named Yanthau. Roshi gives us a story recap, then bribes yanthau, who just so happens to have excatvation gear with him, find the 5th dragonball in a lava plume, but piccollo dispatches xenomorphs made from his own blood to seize it.But when they grab it, Catsuit Girl is on the attack. Goku has a vision of his friends dying.
Roshi tells Goku to go Tai-sa, seeking a container to seal piccollo in, while Catsuit girl steals Chi-chi's DNA.
Roshi teaches goku the trademark kamehameha, but since goku is not a badass, he fails miserably, until chi-chi gives him the power of love speech and he succeeds. meanwhile Chi-clone steals the dragonballs and kills Goku, until roshi brings him back.
It's the final battle,Piccollo has all 7 balls, summoning the dragon temple, but a collision makes our heroes lose the Rice Cooker, and piccolo a dragonball.
In a twist, goku is actually picollo's servent,ozaru, and one by one kills his male friends, but Roshi uses his last bit of strength to turn Ozaru into goku. And yanthau had a disney death, and kills catsuil girl.
So lets wrap this up.
Goku kills Piccollo, Goku wishes roshi's life back, the dragonballs are scattered once again. And Goku and Chi-chi have a play fight that ends in a freeze-frame.
THIS FILM SUCKS!
But wait...i'm sorry theres more as a woman tends to a wounded Picollo.
Okay, is that it? No more false finishes? Are we good? Right, where were we? oh yes.....
THIS FILM SUCKS!
The story is confusing, the charectors are one dimensional,The twist would have being shocking if we cared. Goku is an idiot, Marthesters' Piccolo spends his screen time snarling at the camera. The only good thing about this film are the performances by Chow yun fat and Emmy Rossum. and for the latter,this film is better for her career than singing with a tone deaf Gerard Butler!
(JOE-JACK'S LINE IN BLUE)
(80'S LAD LINE IN ORANGE)
(?????? LINE IN RED)
....THE STORY SO FAR.....
FOR ALMOST A YEAR NOW, SOMEONE HAS BEING TRYING TO KILL OUR HEROES AND CLAIM EAMONN'S POWERS. BEING SAVED BY AN OUIJA BOARD MARKER, EAMONN NOW FINDS HIMSELF HOLED UP IN JOE-JACKS HOUSE IN BUTT-CRAIC, WEST OV IRELAND.
Do you have the board?
Ya, but oi wantz t'remin'ya dat dis iz a bad idea. Fer da last 2 years my house haz being attacked be Zombies?
DUDE! Didn't your moonshine turn those people into zombies?
GET OV MY LAND! *GUNSHOT*
FINE LETS GET THIS DONE!
(Placing the marker on the board, its speeds by its own power and intention spelling out a message.
IN 7 MONTHS THE TRAIN WILL ARRIVE. ONLY ONE TICKET WILL BE GIVEN!
(And with that the marker vanishes in a blinding flash of light.)
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
If you were here last month, you'll remember me talking about Avatar fanboys that went crazy after TLAB.
Well this month we have a bigger disapointment of a film.
Dragonball.
we didnt have it in ireland, as it was deemed to violent for a cartoon.And it would come to no suprise that film will not trigger nostalgia at all.
However. the film clips have being spliced online with old TGWTG members review but never properly reviewed by them so submitted for your viewing curiousity, here is a proper review of Dragonball: Evolution.
We are told that Picollo, an evil demon was defeated by warriors and placed into an urn in the centre of Earth, while his cohort, Ozaru disapearred.
Goku, who is no longer a muscular badass with a monkey tail, is now a teenager with The Gulf of Mexico worth of oil in his hair in modern day america. After sparing with his granfather he is given a dragonball for his birthday.
Meanwhile in china a hot chick in a catsuit steals a second dragonball for her master, Picollo (James "spike" Marsters) who escaped from his prison off-screen and because the plot says so!
After Grandad tells goku that collecting the 7 dragonballs will give that person a wish, Goku leaves for chi-chi's party, beating up the least threathening bullies ever.
So Grandad dies fighting off Picollo who tells goku to seek a Master Roshi. Going through his stuff he finds a gi, when suddenly he is attacked by Bulma (Emmy Rossum). Bulma has a dragonball and is doing research into turning it into a renewable energy source.Joining forces, they head to Pahzuuu to find roshi. sensing a dragonball, they break into a house where goku is attacked by an old man with lumbago, who promptly kicks the World's Mightiest Heroes ass! This is Master Roshi(played hammingly by Chow Yun Fat)
Meanwhile piccolo dries up a lake to retrieve a 4th dragonball.
Our heroes arrive at the stone temple. where Chi-chi and other fighters a training for a tournament. the 3 get caught in a pit trap by a bandit named Yanthau. Roshi gives us a story recap, then bribes yanthau, who just so happens to have excatvation gear with him, find the 5th dragonball in a lava plume, but piccollo dispatches xenomorphs made from his own blood to seize it.But when they grab it, Catsuit Girl is on the attack. Goku has a vision of his friends dying.
Roshi tells Goku to go Tai-sa, seeking a container to seal piccollo in, while Catsuit girl steals Chi-chi's DNA.
Roshi teaches goku the trademark kamehameha, but since goku is not a badass, he fails miserably, until chi-chi gives him the power of love speech and he succeeds. meanwhile Chi-clone steals the dragonballs and kills Goku, until roshi brings him back.
It's the final battle,Piccollo has all 7 balls, summoning the dragon temple, but a collision makes our heroes lose the Rice Cooker, and piccolo a dragonball.
In a twist, goku is actually picollo's servent,ozaru, and one by one kills his male friends, but Roshi uses his last bit of strength to turn Ozaru into goku. And yanthau had a disney death, and kills catsuil girl.
So lets wrap this up.
Goku kills Piccollo, Goku wishes roshi's life back, the dragonballs are scattered once again. And Goku and Chi-chi have a play fight that ends in a freeze-frame.
THIS FILM SUCKS!
But wait...i'm sorry theres more as a woman tends to a wounded Picollo.
Okay, is that it? No more false finishes? Are we good? Right, where were we? oh yes.....
THIS FILM SUCKS!
The story is confusing, the charectors are one dimensional,The twist would have being shocking if we cared. Goku is an idiot, Marthesters' Piccolo spends his screen time snarling at the camera. The only good thing about this film are the performances by Chow yun fat and Emmy Rossum. and for the latter,this film is better for her career than singing with a tone deaf Gerard Butler!
Thursday, September 1, 2011
ONSLAUGHT ON THE GATES OF HELL: EAMONN REVIEWS AVATURD: THE LAST AIRBENDER
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
SINCE SEX AND THE CITY,THE PAIN JUST KEPT ON COMING, A RACIST FILM, A COMA, A PITCHED BATTLE IN A SUPERMARKET, SUPERPOWERS AND THE DEVIL CLAIMING THEM AS HIS OWN.)
Hi Guys! everyone requested that i should review this film and understandably so, as a saw a Youtube video of fanboys angrily deriding this film. and there is no greater joy than watching a man my age who went to the trouble of shaving his head and drawing an arrow on it,crying!
And i know what your going to say,
"But eamonn, you promised never to review a film that the TGWTG team has done. Didn't Angry Joe review this film?
To which I answer
Who's Angry Joe?
So lets dig in, or rather rush blindly into a film based on a cartoon i never heard of, The last Airbender.
This will also be the World Record Attempt for the most Counterculture references in one review.
So the film Starts opens with people performing tai-chi to make shit shoot out of there hands. We are given a prologue.
"The Four Nations: Fire,water,air and earth lived in harmony."
There was a heart nation, but they were all pussies!
We are also told of the Avatar, the only one that can use the power of all the elements, who disappeared a 100 years ago.
Cut to a snowy terrain, where Kitara and her brother suka are hunting for food. when cracking ice, they reveal a boy and a giant Buffalo, Bringing the boy home, the village is attacked by the Fire nation, flanked by Prince Tsuko(Slumdog millionaire star, dev patel). Believing the avatar to be an old man, the prince capture all the elderly but seeing the tattoos on the boys head captures him instead.
Vowing to rescue the Boy, Zuka and Kitara discover that the Mamoswine can fly
Who uploaded that HM?
On the Fire Boat, The fire nation conduct a test on the boy he draws a flames towards himself, makes spilt water form a perfect circle, and cause a stone to stand on it side.
At the camp, Kitara's gran gives long exposition. Here's the gist the boy is the last of his kind, he is also the Avatar, who can speak to the spirit world, the Fire Nation Rebelled since they are technologically advanced didn't want to ruled by spirit so they killed all the air monks to become rulers of their own destiny.
So Chinese Guys in RED SHIRTS KILLED MONKS AND BECAME A DICTATORSHIP AND INDUSTRIAL SUPERPOWER?
If that is not a jab on Red China, i don't know what is!
So the boy escapes his cell when it is revealed his staff is a glider when Tsuko says this piece of stupidity.
"You can't Run!"
His staff is a hang-glider, You dumb Shit! What the fuck do you think is going to happen?
So Zuka, Kitara and the boy revealed to called Aang (which is mispronounced as Ong in this film.) Go to the air nation where they are met with ruin and sketonised remains! Kitara tells Aang he was frozen for 100 years. this causes the boy to go into a rage that sends his to the Spirit world, where he talkes to a CGI Dragon Head. Kitara's voice is enough to bring the boy back to reality.
Cut to the Fire nation, as he learn that Tsuko is hunting the avatar as his father has banished him for being to soft, so he destroys his combat instructors with Hadokens
Our villain ladies and gentlemen, a spoilt brat with Dada issues!
In the Earth nation our heroes and a earth bender are arrested. I should explain that not all the people are able to perform magic and are treated with paranoia and those who can are sent to Concentration Camps
Wait, war, Thinly veiled jabs at China, Concentration camps? and all this from a cartoon that's targeted at 7-10 year olds? Right....
Aang angered by this, reveals his identity and rallies the earth benders to rebel, However he tells the others that he can only control air and ran away because he wanted a normal life. He must go to each nation starting with water to learn its style.
In a fire colony, tsuko reveals that he was banished because his father drafted young boys into the army. Protesting this, his father burnt his face.
So add Torture and Corporal Punishment to the crap getting pass the the radar.
Aang is getting stronger while praticising water techniques he floods an entire lake while kitara the supposed Water bender can only muster bubbles. this makes aang remember his now dead friends so he goes to the remaining air temple in all of.....Namenotmetioned!
So the Avatar is lured into a trap, but has a vision where the dragon head tells him to go to the Water City and...wait!
Weren't they going to the water city anyway?
God no wonder he ran away he couldn't deal with Dragons and shit being Captain fucking obvious!
Aang is interrogated by Commander Jar, who deducts that aang can only air-bend. Meanwhile as jar is giving a speech a guy dressed as Afro Ninja rescues the boy.
that'll improve this film!
Samuel L Jackson!
I wonder if he'll ask if the Avatar "looks like a bitch?"
It turns out to be Tsuko in disguise and Aang unwittingly rescues him.
While the fire ship catches fire (duh!) Aangs Mamoswine uses Surf to get to Narnia!
While at the water city, aang and kitara learn water bending. and zuka falls for the princess in the space of one scene, but soot snowing down tells that the fire commies are here and what does the avatar do?
he hides to meditate by a lake, Meanwhile tzuko and kitara have montonous fight where hadoukens are blocked by water powers.but gets blindsided. Aang is captured again but the Dragon chastistes him for letting the monks die but tells him to Let The Guilt Go!
http://www.youtube.com/watchv=e5gjoTBmfo=av2e
So what is your sage advice oh mighty spirit?
Use the ocean, show the fire nation the power of water!
so beat fire with (gasp) water
That's Inspired(!)
Got to write that down(!)
Meanwhile, kitara casts a Cone of Coldness on Tzuko, Jar plans to kill the moon spirit to weakness the water power. and moon spirit is a fish in the lake aang was meditating by.
So a great and powerful spirit is a fucking fish? anyway the death of a bloody fish is enough to down aang, the princess and turn the moon red.
But the princess gives her life-force to become the new Moon spirit. Anyway jar is drowned the the fire armada is defeated by aangs tidal wave.
And the film ends with the firelord babbling about a comet and hiring his daughter to take out Aang in a bit of sequel bait.
YOU WANTED ME TO REVIEW IT!
THIS FILM SUCKS!
While i cant see it fair to make fun of the young cast. the real problem is SFX over Charector Development. and it ruin what could have being a good story. While i never sat down and watch this cartoon, and it was giving the Kiss Of Death, An Irish Translation. but Zukos romance went into more detail and kitara jealousy of aang wasnt even touched upon. Too much money was thrown on this!
(Eamonn is distracted by an air raid siren that summons an Air Screamer that flies at him but the creature is destroyed by a blinding light. opening his eyes an Ouija marker falls into his hand.)
I think someone wants to talk to me.
NEXT MONTH: DRAGONBALL EVOLUTION!
CREDITS
Review was written, compiled and edited by Eamonn Bermingham
with music by Korn.
The last airbender is property of Paramount studios
and Avatar:The Legend of Aang is property of Nickelodeon
Follow me on youtube or request films for Februrary at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
SINCE SEX AND THE CITY,THE PAIN JUST KEPT ON COMING, A RACIST FILM, A COMA, A PITCHED BATTLE IN A SUPERMARKET, SUPERPOWERS AND THE DEVIL CLAIMING THEM AS HIS OWN.)
Hi Guys! everyone requested that i should review this film and understandably so, as a saw a Youtube video of fanboys angrily deriding this film. and there is no greater joy than watching a man my age who went to the trouble of shaving his head and drawing an arrow on it,crying!
And i know what your going to say,
"But eamonn, you promised never to review a film that the TGWTG team has done. Didn't Angry Joe review this film?
To which I answer
Who's Angry Joe?
So lets dig in, or rather rush blindly into a film based on a cartoon i never heard of, The last Airbender.
This will also be the World Record Attempt for the most Counterculture references in one review.
So the film Starts opens with people performing tai-chi to make shit shoot out of there hands. We are given a prologue.
"The Four Nations: Fire,water,air and earth lived in harmony."
There was a heart nation, but they were all pussies!
We are also told of the Avatar, the only one that can use the power of all the elements, who disappeared a 100 years ago.
Cut to a snowy terrain, where Kitara and her brother suka are hunting for food. when cracking ice, they reveal a boy and a giant Buffalo, Bringing the boy home, the village is attacked by the Fire nation, flanked by Prince Tsuko(Slumdog millionaire star, dev patel). Believing the avatar to be an old man, the prince capture all the elderly but seeing the tattoos on the boys head captures him instead.
Vowing to rescue the Boy, Zuka and Kitara discover that the Mamoswine can fly
Who uploaded that HM?
On the Fire Boat, The fire nation conduct a test on the boy he draws a flames towards himself, makes spilt water form a perfect circle, and cause a stone to stand on it side.
At the camp, Kitara's gran gives long exposition. Here's the gist the boy is the last of his kind, he is also the Avatar, who can speak to the spirit world, the Fire Nation Rebelled since they are technologically advanced didn't want to ruled by spirit so they killed all the air monks to become rulers of their own destiny.
So Chinese Guys in RED SHIRTS KILLED MONKS AND BECAME A DICTATORSHIP AND INDUSTRIAL SUPERPOWER?
If that is not a jab on Red China, i don't know what is!
So the boy escapes his cell when it is revealed his staff is a glider when Tsuko says this piece of stupidity.
"You can't Run!"
His staff is a hang-glider, You dumb Shit! What the fuck do you think is going to happen?
So Zuka, Kitara and the boy revealed to called Aang (which is mispronounced as Ong in this film.) Go to the air nation where they are met with ruin and sketonised remains! Kitara tells Aang he was frozen for 100 years. this causes the boy to go into a rage that sends his to the Spirit world, where he talkes to a CGI Dragon Head. Kitara's voice is enough to bring the boy back to reality.
Cut to the Fire nation, as he learn that Tsuko is hunting the avatar as his father has banished him for being to soft, so he destroys his combat instructors with Hadokens
Our villain ladies and gentlemen, a spoilt brat with Dada issues!
In the Earth nation our heroes and a earth bender are arrested. I should explain that not all the people are able to perform magic and are treated with paranoia and those who can are sent to Concentration Camps
Wait, war, Thinly veiled jabs at China, Concentration camps? and all this from a cartoon that's targeted at 7-10 year olds? Right....
Aang angered by this, reveals his identity and rallies the earth benders to rebel, However he tells the others that he can only control air and ran away because he wanted a normal life. He must go to each nation starting with water to learn its style.
In a fire colony, tsuko reveals that he was banished because his father drafted young boys into the army. Protesting this, his father burnt his face.
So add Torture and Corporal Punishment to the crap getting pass the the radar.
Aang is getting stronger while praticising water techniques he floods an entire lake while kitara the supposed Water bender can only muster bubbles. this makes aang remember his now dead friends so he goes to the remaining air temple in all of.....Namenotmetioned!
So the Avatar is lured into a trap, but has a vision where the dragon head tells him to go to the Water City and...wait!
Weren't they going to the water city anyway?
God no wonder he ran away he couldn't deal with Dragons and shit being Captain fucking obvious!
Aang is interrogated by Commander Jar, who deducts that aang can only air-bend. Meanwhile as jar is giving a speech a guy dressed as Afro Ninja rescues the boy.
that'll improve this film!
Samuel L Jackson!
I wonder if he'll ask if the Avatar "looks like a bitch?"
It turns out to be Tsuko in disguise and Aang unwittingly rescues him.
While the fire ship catches fire (duh!) Aangs Mamoswine uses Surf to get to Narnia!
While at the water city, aang and kitara learn water bending. and zuka falls for the princess in the space of one scene, but soot snowing down tells that the fire commies are here and what does the avatar do?
he hides to meditate by a lake, Meanwhile tzuko and kitara have montonous fight where hadoukens are blocked by water powers.but gets blindsided. Aang is captured again but the Dragon chastistes him for letting the monks die but tells him to Let The Guilt Go!
http://www.youtube.com/watchv=e5gjoTBmfo=av2e
So what is your sage advice oh mighty spirit?
Use the ocean, show the fire nation the power of water!
so beat fire with (gasp) water
That's Inspired(!)
Got to write that down(!)
Meanwhile, kitara casts a Cone of Coldness on Tzuko, Jar plans to kill the moon spirit to weakness the water power. and moon spirit is a fish in the lake aang was meditating by.
So a great and powerful spirit is a fucking fish? anyway the death of a bloody fish is enough to down aang, the princess and turn the moon red.
But the princess gives her life-force to become the new Moon spirit. Anyway jar is drowned the the fire armada is defeated by aangs tidal wave.
And the film ends with the firelord babbling about a comet and hiring his daughter to take out Aang in a bit of sequel bait.
YOU WANTED ME TO REVIEW IT!
THIS FILM SUCKS!
While i cant see it fair to make fun of the young cast. the real problem is SFX over Charector Development. and it ruin what could have being a good story. While i never sat down and watch this cartoon, and it was giving the Kiss Of Death, An Irish Translation. but Zukos romance went into more detail and kitara jealousy of aang wasnt even touched upon. Too much money was thrown on this!
(Eamonn is distracted by an air raid siren that summons an Air Screamer that flies at him but the creature is destroyed by a blinding light. opening his eyes an Ouija marker falls into his hand.)
I think someone wants to talk to me.
NEXT MONTH: DRAGONBALL EVOLUTION!
CREDITS
Review was written, compiled and edited by Eamonn Bermingham
with music by Korn.
The last airbender is property of Paramount studios
and Avatar:The Legend of Aang is property of Nickelodeon
Follow me on youtube or request films for Februrary at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
Friday, July 29, 2011
Eamonn reviews RV Runaway vacation
This months theme
Chris rea Road to hell- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RIAUTvBOo
Hi Guys today i'm going back to basics. No story recap just me reviewing a film as myself. Why? because next month i'm kicking it off big style to review The Last Air-bender.
But before we feast on Avaturd, We wet your appettite with a film with a washed up 80s icom in a family film about camping with as much fun as the kids screaming "are we there yet?"
R.V: RUNAWAY VACATION!
Before i start i wanted to show you the dvd cover but the address was too long. so type in rv dvd cover in google images and you'll find what i was looking for.
Here we see Robin Williams trying to stop the emponymus RV from crashing to the ground, and a few feet away from the family in the background, the caravan is a crashing at a 45 degree angle and williams is at the windscreen, as the family look on in disbelief. even the face of cheryl Hines says it all as to say "Seriously How the Fuck is that Possible?"
Hell even the dvd art needs a mention as it looks like the four mains are trapped in the Phantom Zone!
So the film starts in flashback as Bob (Williams) is playing Sock Puppets and doing the worst Stallone impression Possible. After that scene that is so sweet my eyes have Diabeties, Welcome Reality, as his now teenage Daughter (now played by JoJo Levesque) are at loggerheads because she doesn't want to be seen with him.
Hey Lady, If i was Kid to Jacob the liar, i would gladly wear a Cody Rhodeth paper bag.
You remember JoJo right? you don't? she sang this!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggWyUEvGcWY
Safe to say, this film killed her Career.
So Bobs family is going to a dinner party run by his prickish boss
so to we recap:
Robin Williams
Rebellious Daughter
Jackass
and we are 10 minutes in.
Expect something WACKY! to Happen and by WACKY!, I mean Shit that wouldn't happen in real Life!
And true Enough Cassy(Levesque)'s Fat friend calls todd a pollutor and throws paint at him. paint she wasn't holding in the shot beforehand.
So the family holiday to hawaii is postponed by Todd, who tells Bob to go to a meeting Colarado otherwise he is fired and will be sued. why not sue the girls family that threw the paint at your since she was a guest, and not family member?
HELLO LOGIC ARE YOU THERE?
So as you guest from the title, Bob Hires a RV to his meeting in Colardo, masquerading as his holiday, as Bitching and WACKINESS! Ensue and that is the plot to RV!
Have you a headache too? I suggest either take an asprin the SIZE OF A BRICK for your head or an Actual Brick to your head because the pain will keep on coming!
You know the main story is gonna hurt when the main charector cannot drive the plot device properly. fast forward will be your friend. the punchline is cassy getting covered by salad.
Quick! Grab my sides! they're splitting!
So the family camp out for the night but the rv needs to be hooked to the mains.
Gee, I wonder if he will get an electric shock?
no something more funny is going to happen.
The septic tank needs emptying.
THAT'S RIGHT WE HAVE TO RELY ON SCAT HUMOUR TO RAISE A CHUCKLE!
And to make it as stupid as possible, a whole bunch of piss-taking hillbillies to make fun of bob taking care of his tank. this ends as the hillbillies cheer as a geyser of shit hits Robin Williams
Thankfully A man named Travis (jeff Bridges) saves bob.
next bob is trying to cook dinner as his family stand like mannikins, they decide to eat Travis' RV
Travis introduces the Monroes to his family, The Gonichies, where the childern fall for each other,
and travis reveals his family is the one thing that could make this film more annoying.
A Family christian Rock Band!
FAST FORWARD BUTTON!
Next scene, bob sneaks out to the toilet, as one of hillbilly childern see him on the computer, but bob can't send an email in the dessert. so bob tries to get away from the hillbillies. But are stuck in a traffic jam, stopping at a petrol station, Bobs computer get stolen by a hitchhiker who hitches a ride with the Gonichies.
In Utah, Bobs Oven gets infested with raccoons, with other 3 again stand pretending they know how to act, Bob gets his ass handed to him.
Meanwhile the hillbillies realised that the computer is bob's. kicking the hitchhiker out they vow to give computer back, oblivious to the fact the monroes don't like them.
So Bob uses a stinkbomb to get rid of the raccoons, but they must now sit outside for 6 hours in the rain.Karl climbs a foam stone pillar. and falls onto a thinly disguised Waterslide after landing in front of restaurant, the family starts laughing!
haaahhaaaahhaaaa... They realised this film is the worst film Williams was in since Bicenteninal man.
Next day the Hillbillies return to return Bobs Laptop, but the monroes ditch the annoyingly perky family. so the Hillbillies do the most logical thing Possible.
Shoot the windscreen with paintguns!
What...... kind .......logic....person.....drugs....WHAT MADE YOU THINK THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA?
Anyway they arrive in colorado where Bob Feigns stomach flu to attend his meeting which is a success. Such a success that todd want another speech from Bob. So when the rv Drives into A lake, Bob Blurts about the meeting and the family naturally is upset.
Okay i'm sick of this film so lets end this!
Bob Blows the meeting,his kids attack Todd, The Soda factory owner offer Bob a job only for the rv to crush their car, and the credits show use that the monroes and the gonickies become a two family travelling band.
THIS FILM SUCKS!
The rv in his film is nicknamed the Big Rolling Turd! Thats what this film is. Suspension of Disbelief is peppered with continuity errors, Horrid support casting and scat jokes. Avoid this film!
CREDITS
Review was written, Edited and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham.
Containing music by
Jojo
Stephen rea
Rv Runaway vacation is produced by Columbia
all clip footage linked to belong to there respected owners.
Follow me on Youtube at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
Or to request a review for janurary.
Next month:THE LAST AIR BENDER!
Chris rea Road to hell- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RIAUTvBOo
Hi Guys today i'm going back to basics. No story recap just me reviewing a film as myself. Why? because next month i'm kicking it off big style to review The Last Air-bender.
But before we feast on Avaturd, We wet your appettite with a film with a washed up 80s icom in a family film about camping with as much fun as the kids screaming "are we there yet?"
R.V: RUNAWAY VACATION!
Before i start i wanted to show you the dvd cover but the address was too long. so type in rv dvd cover in google images and you'll find what i was looking for.
Here we see Robin Williams trying to stop the emponymus RV from crashing to the ground, and a few feet away from the family in the background, the caravan is a crashing at a 45 degree angle and williams is at the windscreen, as the family look on in disbelief. even the face of cheryl Hines says it all as to say "Seriously How the Fuck is that Possible?"
Hell even the dvd art needs a mention as it looks like the four mains are trapped in the Phantom Zone!
So the film starts in flashback as Bob (Williams) is playing Sock Puppets and doing the worst Stallone impression Possible. After that scene that is so sweet my eyes have Diabeties, Welcome Reality, as his now teenage Daughter (now played by JoJo Levesque) are at loggerheads because she doesn't want to be seen with him.
Hey Lady, If i was Kid to Jacob the liar, i would gladly wear a Cody Rhodeth paper bag.
You remember JoJo right? you don't? she sang this!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggWyUEvGcWY
Safe to say, this film killed her Career.
So Bobs family is going to a dinner party run by his prickish boss
so to we recap:
Robin Williams
Rebellious Daughter
Jackass
and we are 10 minutes in.
Expect something WACKY! to Happen and by WACKY!, I mean Shit that wouldn't happen in real Life!
And true Enough Cassy(Levesque)'s Fat friend calls todd a pollutor and throws paint at him. paint she wasn't holding in the shot beforehand.
So the family holiday to hawaii is postponed by Todd, who tells Bob to go to a meeting Colarado otherwise he is fired and will be sued. why not sue the girls family that threw the paint at your since she was a guest, and not family member?
HELLO LOGIC ARE YOU THERE?
So as you guest from the title, Bob Hires a RV to his meeting in Colardo, masquerading as his holiday, as Bitching and WACKINESS! Ensue and that is the plot to RV!
Have you a headache too? I suggest either take an asprin the SIZE OF A BRICK for your head or an Actual Brick to your head because the pain will keep on coming!
You know the main story is gonna hurt when the main charector cannot drive the plot device properly. fast forward will be your friend. the punchline is cassy getting covered by salad.
Quick! Grab my sides! they're splitting!
So the family camp out for the night but the rv needs to be hooked to the mains.
Gee, I wonder if he will get an electric shock?
no something more funny is going to happen.
The septic tank needs emptying.
THAT'S RIGHT WE HAVE TO RELY ON SCAT HUMOUR TO RAISE A CHUCKLE!
And to make it as stupid as possible, a whole bunch of piss-taking hillbillies to make fun of bob taking care of his tank. this ends as the hillbillies cheer as a geyser of shit hits Robin Williams
Thankfully A man named Travis (jeff Bridges) saves bob.
next bob is trying to cook dinner as his family stand like mannikins, they decide to eat Travis' RV
Travis introduces the Monroes to his family, The Gonichies, where the childern fall for each other,
and travis reveals his family is the one thing that could make this film more annoying.
A Family christian Rock Band!
FAST FORWARD BUTTON!
Next scene, bob sneaks out to the toilet, as one of hillbilly childern see him on the computer, but bob can't send an email in the dessert. so bob tries to get away from the hillbillies. But are stuck in a traffic jam, stopping at a petrol station, Bobs computer get stolen by a hitchhiker who hitches a ride with the Gonichies.
In Utah, Bobs Oven gets infested with raccoons, with other 3 again stand pretending they know how to act, Bob gets his ass handed to him.
Meanwhile the hillbillies realised that the computer is bob's. kicking the hitchhiker out they vow to give computer back, oblivious to the fact the monroes don't like them.
So Bob uses a stinkbomb to get rid of the raccoons, but they must now sit outside for 6 hours in the rain.Karl climbs a foam stone pillar. and falls onto a thinly disguised Waterslide after landing in front of restaurant, the family starts laughing!
haaahhaaaahhaaaa... They realised this film is the worst film Williams was in since Bicenteninal man.
Next day the Hillbillies return to return Bobs Laptop, but the monroes ditch the annoyingly perky family. so the Hillbillies do the most logical thing Possible.
Shoot the windscreen with paintguns!
What...... kind .......logic....person.....drugs....WHAT MADE YOU THINK THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA?
Anyway they arrive in colorado where Bob Feigns stomach flu to attend his meeting which is a success. Such a success that todd want another speech from Bob. So when the rv Drives into A lake, Bob Blurts about the meeting and the family naturally is upset.
Okay i'm sick of this film so lets end this!
Bob Blows the meeting,his kids attack Todd, The Soda factory owner offer Bob a job only for the rv to crush their car, and the credits show use that the monroes and the gonickies become a two family travelling band.
THIS FILM SUCKS!
The rv in his film is nicknamed the Big Rolling Turd! Thats what this film is. Suspension of Disbelief is peppered with continuity errors, Horrid support casting and scat jokes. Avoid this film!
CREDITS
Review was written, Edited and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham.
Containing music by
Jojo
Stephen rea
Rv Runaway vacation is produced by Columbia
all clip footage linked to belong to there respected owners.
Follow me on Youtube at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
Or to request a review for janurary.
Next month:THE LAST AIR BENDER!
Friday, July 1, 2011
the crap filliums ov Drew Barrymore:Lucky You
(JOE-JACK IS REVIEWING THIS MONTH,SO AS POETIC LICENCE, ALL SPELLING MISTAKES ARE INTENTIONAL)
(EAMONN'S LINE IN BLACK)
(JOE-JACK REVIEW IN BLUE)
THE STORY SO FAR....
Eamonn must rue the day he reviewed Leap Year. A mysterious coma, a pitched battle in a supermarket ending with him gaining a superpower, the Hadou-Kara Punch. and an evil force with demons in its employ that will stop at nothing to gain the power...
...and it seems they are not above killing him to get his hands on it!
(Joe-Jack sees Eamonn hunched on the floor, crying)
Aw yer big gurlz blouse! why yer cryin'?
I CAN'T DO IT!
-Do wot?
I can't do two Barrymore films back to back....YOU DO IT!...Youre always your the film critic around here...Critique this film! I'm out of here!
So...Yah!
Oi'm doing dis review on MY blog, say d'yer know wot time it iz?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSwDq_x5p8
YAAAAOOOOW!
ITS HAPPY HOUR AGAIN, SO IT IS!
Today's fillium is proof dat not everything in vegas is cool like Elvis,magic shows and Tom Jones.
Sometimes dey make rom-coms wif Drunk-o an' Da Incredible Hulk in dem!
So lets dig intah Sucky you -i mean lucky you-sorry right da first tiome!
So the fillium starts in Skid Row-
-yes. yes we are.
-as Eric Bana's charector Huck entahs a pawn shop to sell a camara t'raise money t'entah a poker tourney. He also appraises his mothers ring
PLOT ITEM!
So Huck is a poker hustler as well has his dad Elsie (Robert Duvall). but it is elsie that had real success...at the expense ov his son.
so while watching a volleyball game, huck mets Billie(Drunk-o) and introduces himself by spliting her from her boyfriend.
Our hero, ladies and gentleman, a lying scumbag in a film genre where dey r cruxified!
...but her sister(debra messing) wards the hustler ov.
so huck wins a tournament but then his dad comes in and not only wins his sons winning but the redeem ticket for the ring.
next day huck asks money from friends but no joy.So he tricks billie to give him money and they hustle as she only has $19
So huck teaches billie poker, which also serves as exposition t'dose who don't play,Elsie comes in with Da New Wife, who rubs in da fact he now has the McGuffin.
next scene and for dose who barely survived music and lyrics in january will be sad to hear dat drew speds her screen-time singing in dis fillium too.
So more exposistion as huck tells Billie that elsie took everything his mother owned. ignoring fact that his own house is bare bar a bed for GETTING IT ON!
Next day and billie confronts Huck on stealing money(rather than filliuming it. and billie leaves vegas
HOOORRAY!
but she returns next scene.
Dahmmit!
After being misdrawn out of a qualifier, a friend gives up his spot.
To raise more money, huck and billie foolishly take a bet to play game of golf in 5 hours and in 80 strokes. but billies honesty cost him the bet.
so realising that hard work is the key,he sells the mcGuffin to elsie for chips and qualify
Tiome to put spuds on.
Billie returns to vegas, huck folds with aces and elsie loses outright, with a new sense of humidity,huck and Elsie play a friendly game. And huck and Billie kiss after regaining the McGuffin ring
Dis fillium isn't bad, just boring! Bana has all the emotion of a shop dummy and cameos of poker stars all give wooden performances.
IT DOESNT GET AN A RATING FER AWFUL, IT GETS A B-RATING FER BORING!
(An Air Raid siren sounds as a red mist covers the room Eamonn is in. A demon in the form of Drunk-o attacks eamonn but falls on its drunk face.)
"ow!"
-Hey drew how high is your blood alcohol level?
HADOU-KARA PUNCH!
(THE DRUNK DEMON BURNS ITS WAY BACK TO HELL!)
THE SAGA CONTINUES NEXT MONTH WITH RV-RUNAWAY VACATION.
(EAMONN'S LINE IN BLACK)
(JOE-JACK REVIEW IN BLUE)
THE STORY SO FAR....
Eamonn must rue the day he reviewed Leap Year. A mysterious coma, a pitched battle in a supermarket ending with him gaining a superpower, the Hadou-Kara Punch. and an evil force with demons in its employ that will stop at nothing to gain the power...
...and it seems they are not above killing him to get his hands on it!
(Joe-Jack sees Eamonn hunched on the floor, crying)
Aw yer big gurlz blouse! why yer cryin'?
I CAN'T DO IT!
-Do wot?
I can't do two Barrymore films back to back....YOU DO IT!...Youre always your the film critic around here...Critique this film! I'm out of here!
So...Yah!
Oi'm doing dis review on MY blog, say d'yer know wot time it iz?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSwDq_x5p8
YAAAAOOOOW!
ITS HAPPY HOUR AGAIN, SO IT IS!
Today's fillium is proof dat not everything in vegas is cool like Elvis,magic shows and Tom Jones.
Sometimes dey make rom-coms wif Drunk-o an' Da Incredible Hulk in dem!
So lets dig intah Sucky you -i mean lucky you-sorry right da first tiome!
So the fillium starts in Skid Row-
-yes. yes we are.
-as Eric Bana's charector Huck entahs a pawn shop to sell a camara t'raise money t'entah a poker tourney. He also appraises his mothers ring
PLOT ITEM!
So Huck is a poker hustler as well has his dad Elsie (Robert Duvall). but it is elsie that had real success...at the expense ov his son.
so while watching a volleyball game, huck mets Billie(Drunk-o) and introduces himself by spliting her from her boyfriend.
Our hero, ladies and gentleman, a lying scumbag in a film genre where dey r cruxified!
...but her sister(debra messing) wards the hustler ov.
so huck wins a tournament but then his dad comes in and not only wins his sons winning but the redeem ticket for the ring.
next day huck asks money from friends but no joy.So he tricks billie to give him money and they hustle as she only has $19
So huck teaches billie poker, which also serves as exposition t'dose who don't play,Elsie comes in with Da New Wife, who rubs in da fact he now has the McGuffin.
next scene and for dose who barely survived music and lyrics in january will be sad to hear dat drew speds her screen-time singing in dis fillium too.
So more exposistion as huck tells Billie that elsie took everything his mother owned. ignoring fact that his own house is bare bar a bed for GETTING IT ON!
Next day and billie confronts Huck on stealing money(rather than filliuming it. and billie leaves vegas
HOOORRAY!
but she returns next scene.
Dahmmit!
After being misdrawn out of a qualifier, a friend gives up his spot.
To raise more money, huck and billie foolishly take a bet to play game of golf in 5 hours and in 80 strokes. but billies honesty cost him the bet.
so realising that hard work is the key,he sells the mcGuffin to elsie for chips and qualify
Tiome to put spuds on.
Billie returns to vegas, huck folds with aces and elsie loses outright, with a new sense of humidity,huck and Elsie play a friendly game. And huck and Billie kiss after regaining the McGuffin ring
Dis fillium isn't bad, just boring! Bana has all the emotion of a shop dummy and cameos of poker stars all give wooden performances.
IT DOESNT GET AN A RATING FER AWFUL, IT GETS A B-RATING FER BORING!
(An Air Raid siren sounds as a red mist covers the room Eamonn is in. A demon in the form of Drunk-o attacks eamonn but falls on its drunk face.)
"ow!"
-Hey drew how high is your blood alcohol level?
HADOU-KARA PUNCH!
(THE DRUNK DEMON BURNS ITS WAY BACK TO HELL!)
THE SAGA CONTINUES NEXT MONTH WITH RV-RUNAWAY VACATION.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)