Eamonn reviews The Chaperone(as requested by C.B.Nash)

This month theme: My time (triple h former theme song) by the dx band
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJLYxBAD4
(THE STORY SO FAR...
IN AN ATTEMPT TO DEFEAT THE EVIL THAT HAS STALKED THE OFFICES OF ENLIGHTENED TOWERS FOR A YEAR NOW, EAMONN RETURNED TO THE MATERIAL WORLD OF S.A.T.C. HOWEVER THE POWER WAS TOO MUCH TO BARE, AND THE SUBSEQUENT CATACLYSM HAS SHALLOWED HIM INTO THE ABYSS.)

AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
(THE SCENE OPENS TO A TABLE WITH EAMONN'S PHOTOGRAPH IT. BESIDE IT, AN ANSWERING MACHINE HAS SPRUNG TO LIFE.

(BEEP!)
"Hello Joe-Jack? Don't delete this message. This message will automatically play if I, While fighting whatever is summoned by the Devil's dvd, that I'm captured or......Either way, this review will be your guide to bring me back...if my theories are correct.

Anyway lets get to it.
What happens when you take wrestling, the simpsons and modern family together? Possibly the cheesiest goofiest film of last year.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJLYx3cBAD4
Starring Paul "Triple h" Levesque, the son-in-law to WWE Chairman, Vince McMahon, so a lot of nepotism has gone into showcasing the talents of the man who would become WWE Chief Operating Officer.

Lets talk about the dvd cover which is more hilarious than the film itself!
In the foreground we see Hunt-uh, clean shaven. When he has a full beard or moustache he is very threatening looking, but when clean shaven his big nose and massive forehead makes him look goofy. Even when he was clean shaving and doing steroids circa 2002-2004 he looked goofy. and the smile he has on the cover isnt helping things. behind him his co-star, Ariel winter from Modern Family is driving a school bus. Her shocked expression makes us follow her eye-line to a bullet hole. on top of the bus roof is a guy with a broken nose, and Uncle Eddie from Grounded For Life, both holding guns. So if they did shoot the windscreen, they are either great shots, or their guns are loaded with Boomerang Bullets from Metal Slug!
Almost missable is an extra laughing to himself and covering is mouth like "they'll never find me here!"

We open to Ray Bradstone(HHH),a prisoner who is being realised today he is on the phone to a self-help-line, while the prisoner behind him thinks he is on a sex-line, So Ray corrects him. With his fists!

Ray is being released today after 7 years in prison, after playing the gettaway driver in a robbery. He has shortened his term with good behaviour by taking out every book on self-help and Paleontology, earning a degree in the subject. The guards wish him luck but are doubtful that he will change.

Now this is a good opener!
The character of Ray is developed of the bat, we have an emotional connection to him, and we have some sharply written back and forth with the prison guard. Usually at this point we have a Washed up actor from a cancelled sitcom come in and ruin everything....
(Uncle Eddie from Grounded For Life Drives up and calls out to Ray in the most annoying voice possible!)
Dahmmit!

Ray was in prision as the driver for LaRoux (uncle Eddie), Who testified against him to save his own bacon! So Ray steals his car. What was that about a turned leaf?

So Ray hires a room and cuts his beard with a scissors. A surprisingly non-stubbly Ray takes out a picture of his family in hope to met them tomorrow.

Naturally, his ex wife,Lynn and his daughter Sally(Winter) has moved on with their lives. But try as they might, Ray is still out to prove he changed. At Sally's school, Ray is shocked to see two boys fighting.

Ray"What the hell is this?"
ME AS TRIPS: TWO MEN UNDER 6 FOOT WRESTLING? THAT WILL NEV-UH GET OV-UH!"

So Ray breaks up the fight is met by Miss Miller (played by Yardley Smith, the voice of Lisa simp-HOLY CRAP WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvoYACO1rI
Seriously? You do the voice of a character for 20 years and you begin to look like her!

Embarrassed that ray was in prison, Sally lies and ray was in federal Government, Ray just rolls with it!

So Miller tells Ray that Sally's Class is going to the Local Museum to see the dinosaur Exhibit. Ray blurts out his prowess and interest and agrees to be the Chaperone!

Back in Ray's Flat, La roux tries to hire ray back into his crew, ray punches a hole in the wall.
CRIMES COMMITTED BY RAY SINCE HIS RELEASE
car theft, Impersonating a Government official, Property Damage

So Ray Meets Lynn's New Boyfriend, Dr Marvin.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_A6sha3nYio
No, Not that Doctor Marvin!
Who rubs in the Fact he is a better man than Ray. it was as subtle as this!
OH LOOK AT ME! I'M A DOCTOR! MY JOB IS SECURE AND I'M A PILLAR OF SOCIETY! I'M A BETTER ROLE-MODEL THAN YOU AND I'M DOING YOUR EX-WIFE! NOW TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL! I'M A DOCTOR YOU KNOW!

So Ray tries to get a job at a garage and a restaurant but makes fun of the Prius and Veganism
THIS GUY MUST  BE PISSED OF!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vd4y41vcYw8
Ray is sent into a downward spiral when La Roux burns his flat, forcing Ray to rejoin the gang.

It's the Day of the field trip and Sally's Stereotypical Friends are introduced. Glasses wearing Nerd? Check
Semi-retarded Bully? Check! Token Black friend? Check! Vapid Valley Girl? Check! Token Latino Friend? Check!
 And the Bus Driver is a rip-off of Otto Mann!
Dr Marvin? A Stoner Bus Driver? If Uncle Eddie arches his fingers and says "Excellent!" I may lose it!

Not Only is the bank the gang is gonna hit the same day as the trip, but conveniently across the road from the school. Long story short Ray leaves the gang high and dry but not before throwing away evidence that implicates him at the robbery. so a gang member acting on his own smuggles the money onto the school bus before being ran over. And now the police and the gang will gave chase over New Orleans for the money.
And that's the plot to this film.

So Laroux and Goldie give chase but crash into a (sigh) Nappy Lorry (DiaperTruck for all you Americans out there!)
Because Poop is funny right WWE?
On the the bus, Ray stamps his authority
"I'M THE CHAPERONE!"
"I AM THE GAME-UH! IF YOU DON'T STOP I WILL BURY YOU!

Later we met Stanley, the second chaperone, who has feelings for Miss Miller. But Miller has feelings for-you guessed it!-Ray.
Trips and Yardley Smith?
considering who he use to bang its an improvement!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5aDPNwrIe4Q

The Guide is sick and Ray steps in at the dinosaur museum and use the life of Ovaraptor as an analogy of parenting.
Really,movie,Really?
 OVA RAPTOR means "egg thief" as they would steal the egg of others to feed their young, but if eggs were in short supply, like all reptiles they would eat family members to get what they want.

Sounds like an analogy of a certain wrestler that forced his brother-in-law from his birth-right to become the new Boss!
Meanwhile Laroux and Goldy enter the museum and ray triggers the fire-alarm to get the kids out. Ray attacks LaRoux and Breaks Goldy's Nose.
Add Assault to the turned leaf of Ray Bradstone!

Making his way outside, Lisa-i mean,Miller, tells Ray that Otto-i mean Nick is missing.So ray drives the bus himself
(ADD GTA JOKE HERE!)

Next stop is the historic French Quarter. Ray tries to hand the money over but the police chase after the gang.

Thinking Ray is in Cahoots with the Cops, Laroux Hires reinforcements.At the Hotel the bully stereotype leaves to buy fireworks. Ray tries to swap the money again but Laroux is too stupid to realise the cops are too compentant. So He flatley denies taking the money in a reasonable way. So LaRoux plans to take the money by force.

Stanley tries to chat up Miss Miller, and Stanley hugs Ray in an awkard way leading to this line.
"that bett-uh be your fanny pack"

A gay joke in a children's film. And from a man who once said he was everything but bilingual

So we have a BONDING MONTAGE between Ray and Sally, and naturally it ends with the police telling Miss Miller who ray is and a televised Manhunt for Ray.

During an Engagement Dinner between Lynn and Dr. Douchebag, The Media blows the story out proportion calling ray a kidnapper.
Huh. Must be Fox News!
So Lynn leaves for New Orleans. Sally confronts Ray about the robbery and he tells her the truth. With the police flooding the hotel, Sally retrieves the money for Ray. What do you think happens next?

If you didn't say "Sally gets kidnapped by La Roux", You're An Idiot!

So Ray turns up at LaRoux' hideout where his Heavies jump him. And in true Triple h style, he buries his opponents. So at the exchange, the long awaited punchline of indentical Duffles is revealed. and is just as predictable. So Sally returns to the hotel with a plan to save her father, but she needs the help of the stereotypes. So Nerd Stereotype hacks Rays iPhone to track him.

When i was 13, I tried to hack a computer for free porn.
Don't Judge Me!
We All Did It!
So Sally, Heart-throb, Bully,Nerd and a stowed-away Valley girl steal the bus to save Ray.

so lets wrap this up!

The Kids defeat la roux and Goldy with some home alone rip-off traps. Ray phones the talk show to trick LaRoux to confess to the crime. La Roux is arrested. Ray is acquited, Lynn returns to Ray who is now the co-host to the talk show. And his guest is Laroux, to whom Ray implies he'll become someone's bitch in prison. You know for kids!

THIS FILM SUCKS!
While there are bits that are done really well,  The Rest of the time the film is too goofy to take seriously. The supporting cast are stereotypes who never go beyond those parameters, and after a while it degenerates into Home Alone mets the Blue Brothers For Kids! This film has its moments and if you can look past the gay jokes and (sigh) Nappy Lorries, you can waste 2 hours easily.

Look Joe-Jack, I'm trusting you to save me. By now, you should have worked out where i have being taken to. So i used the Power to send something out of the dvd to find me in May. It's a (sigh) Nappy Lorry.
Being a Culchie, you're probably used to the smell! Good Luck!

(As Joe-Jack pulls out,80S Lad, Still saddened by his outburst at Christmas is confronted by mysterious voice.)
80's Lad? Don't you want to go home? He has kept this away from you.
A shadowy limb drops a DVD at his feet.
DUUUUUDDDDDEEE!!!1!
NEXT MONTH: THE TRAP HE GLADLY WALKED INTO! EIGHTIES LAD REVIEWS HOT TUB TIME MACHINE!
CREDITS
Review was written, edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham.
With clips from
Access holywood
Smackdown
Celebrity rehab
With music by The dx band.
The chaperone is property of wwe films and Samuel Goldwyn Films.
Bogger box office is not affiliated with Butterfinger.
all clips belong to their respected owners

This was a reques.t if you have a request for July and beyond please leave a comment below, or at my youtube channel
http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment

NAPPY LORRY?