Well here is one for you all, a film so bad, no-one wants it!
Being a Spiderman character, Madame Web, like the Spiderverse and what I have coined as the Spiderless films are co-owned by Disney and Sony, which meant there was a chance that much like with Borderlands last month, I had a physical copy of Madame Web and it was on Netflix. Meaning I got Borderlands out so quickly, because I could watch the DVD on my chargeable device, have the machine run out it's battery, and continue where I left off on the Streaming Service. Easy Right? And for this review, I was expecting to do more of the same.
Well.....
There is only one problem with that!
Madame Web has just returned to Disney Plus. So at least I have a physical copy in a DVD.
Usually it's at this point I would explain who a comic character is by showing a picture and explain their backstory. But this time;
I Cannot.
As in, if I show you what Madame Web looks like as her Real appearance it'll be a spoiler. So instead I'll tell you her powers and debut.
Madame Web is a Mutant, With Future Predicting powers. She debuted in 1980, Meeting Spiderman whilst acting as a Valet to an otherworldly being called Mr Universe. She was tutoring him on Morality. So she abducted Green Goblin, Dr Doom and Dr Octopus, put them on a planet that had no concept of war, had them invade, sped up time to see this planet in ruins, so Madame Web commands Spiderman and a small group of heroes, As a lesson that might for right is better than Might Makes Right! Before returning them to their regular stories with wiped memories...except Spiderman, who she told him that she was connected to him in the future so she'll return before what that connection revealed as a mentor In the shadows.
...And a lot more Interesting than what the F**k this is!
Scotland's TV and Satellite Magazine (Now Tv and Streaming in their review of this film described Dakota Johnson as quote "The Women who has mastered the Smug-Face and Flat Affect to a Science". And that was so funny when I read that, I had to include it!
And it's that Smug, Half Assed, Low Effort, Pepsi-Peddling Face that is Front and Centre on a web/Shattered Glass Motif poster with smaller headshots of Sydney Sweeney, Isabella Merced, Celeste O'Connor and Tahar Rahim, all next to their Spirit Spider-OC costumes. And what emotion are they showing? You guessed it!
HI GUYS! I'M SO GLAD, (BUT NOT REALLY) TO TELL YOU THIS FILM IS RATED 12 FOR VIOLENCE, THREAT, LANGUAGE, (WHICH WILL BE CENSORED) BLOOD AND BLOODY SURGERY, THIS REVIEW IS ALSO INTENDED FOR AN ADULT AUDIENCE.
We start a bit on the nose with a close-up of a Spider's Web in the Peruvian Rainforest In 1973, a red-headed woman is searching For a rare Spider for Oscorp (even though it was never mentioned, the time-frame would still match!), one that will eventually be the Progenitor to the spider that will bite Peter Parker, she is guided by a rich sniveling coward, who is certainly not a villain(!), who is obsessed with the "La Aranqa" a tribe of Spider people who punish the wicked. But she is not impressed with Mr Samson's lack of sense, and it's causes her to bend over because of her pregnancy, the scene was badly focused on the faces and the web, that I didn't catch she was pregnant. She didn't even look pregnant.
Even after being called an Idiot with Evil Intent, when the woman finds a Spider, Samson shoots d**d all the researchers, seconds after congratulating her and later shoots her while struggling with the Test Jar.
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| Editor's note- I can't show the next scene, because of the line and the gesture the man in black makes but most of you know what This is! |
It had to a reference to this.
So there is a Rustling in the trees, as Samson runs off with the Spider. As the Dying and Pregnant woman is rescued by the Aranqa Tribe Samson Mentioned.
Naked, Save for body paint and nets tactically covering the genitals and to look like webbing, They bring her to a pool of Rebirth under a Sacred Tree, covered in thousands of the spiders, a tribesmen forces a spider to bite her, as she gasps as the Bite has not granted her powers, but induced Cassandra to be born premature and passes the powers by one generation, the shaman tells the Women, her Daughter will return as an Adult to Peru, once the time comes to find answers.
By ironically being the most confused mess of a film!
Also Spider Vemon induces Premature Birth?
We cut to 2003, when the sound of a baby cry morphs into an Ambulance Siren, as The Driver, Paramedic Cassandra Web (Dakota Johnson) calls in a serious accident with the tone of a mother Disappointed with her Child, Speaking of Being Disappointed with a Child, Cassie nearly runs over a Skateboarding schoolgirl (Celeste O'Connor) in a Fated meeting. The stroppy child flips off the Ambulance as she crossed the road.
At the Hospital, Cassandra and her Partner, Ben Barker have taken their patient Successfully to Hospital and will Survive. As they drink Pepsi with the logo facing the camera, the patient's Stepson wants to give Cassandra a picture as thanks. Something Cassie is confused by.
"BEEP BOOP! WHAT IS THIS HUMAN EMOTION CALLED "LOVE?"
That's her direction!
The boy is sent away by his sister (Sydney Sweeney) who also thanks the Paramedic.
While in the Mess Room, Cassandra gets Mail and she gets an invite to a baby shower, which she complains about, because family things confuse Cassandra.
Or tell them, you are a Medic and you can never have a break! It's that simple!...or would, if it wasn't Ben's Sister!
After an Awkward Silence and even more Awkward Dialogue, Ben gives Cassandra her fortune cookie. She opens it to see half of it is smudged meaning it now reads "You Will..."
"You know what that means-I have no Future!"
As a Franchise? Yes!
As an Actress? Sadly Not!
Walking Home, there is the third Fated meeting, as her Neighbour (Isabella Merced) argues with the Building Super about rent. A Cat walks into Cassie's Window and she feeds it. She decides to look through a suitcase of all her Mother's notes and Photos of her expedition in 1973 with bitterness.
"Hope the Spiders were worth it, Mom!"
She Chose to Die to give you a chance to live! GO TO HELL!
The Next Day we are back on the beat with a 3 car pile up. Cassie helps a man escape a upturned car on a bridge to freedom, only for the car to trip over and the car door to close, lock and the vehicle to fall into the Hudson River.
When Cassie wakes she's not entirely in the water, but in an in-between State in the middle of Dreams and The Waking World.
Hey Cassie, if you see a man with a long nose and a Woman in A Blue Dress, ask them when is Persona 6-I want to do Tarotober Series 2 Already!
No she is in the Web Of Life, the Source of power for all Spider people. It was only mentioned in Spiderverse in passing....and that film didn't suck because of it!
One of the Worse things Modern Marvel has Done was tie every Mutant or mutated Character to the Eternals, meaning every power is actually tied to a Bunch of Prehistoric Alien Ass-holes who Gene Spliced us as Monkeys and got off on Playing God!
So being bitten by a Nuclear Spider isn't enough, no, it has to be willed by a long Forgotten Alien God!
So suffice to say, Adding magic to Spiderman 20 years ago was a Bad move.
Twenty years ago Spiderman was nearly ruined thanks to The Controversial Comic, One More Day, Where Peter Parker sells his Marriage to the Freaking Devil to save Aunt May.
And The Comic
Has Never Recovered!
So as she has a vision of Obscure and random things, A Popped Balloon, Cassandra covered in blood, Fireworks, a Giant Letter S. Look, this film is brought to you by the letter S..FOR SUCK!
She is regains her consciousness when Ben Performs CPR, In a bit of Foreshadowing, Cassandra's eyes are ultra Sensitive to light and her pre-emptive powers are activating, though for now it just looks like she's experiencing Deja Vu.
Then we Cut to a Concert hall where at the Opera, Tahar Rahim stalks and Seduces Mature Dowagers. In his Jungle man Fe***h Bedroom where Mutated Spiders run freely, He has a dream where in the future, he is killed by Sweeney, O'Connor and Merced in Spider-Person Costumes, O'Connor has Spider legs Growing out her back, Merced maybe is Silk and Sweeney looks like she was just hired to fill up a costume.
So apparently, he's being having the same dream of these women k*lling him, which he thinks is a Vision, so he chooses this situation to Info Dump To this woman he just picked up. After he spent the night dumping his...I'LL STOP!
But he seduced this woman Not For Monetary Gain. He is no Gig**o, he Targeted this Federal Agent so he can steal Facial Recognition Technology to k*ll them before they do, she does reaches for her gun but tenses up when he throttles her, Turns out he has Spider Powers too, in Venomous Touch. He'll let her live if she gives him her clearance code. And he still let's her die-Because he's EEEEEEVILLLL!
Cassandra folds and she goes to the work cookout, which is also the baby shower. Cassandra is led inside and doesn't understand she's been Roped into busy work and games.
"BEEP BOOP! What is this human thing called "Bonding?""
The expectant mother, Mary, exposits her husband just may be our villain. Cassie is Roped in some game about advice their mothers' gave then, rather than opt out, Cassandra instead supplies a blank piece of paper and she awkwardly laughs through an explanation of not growing up with a Mother. Well that's one way to get out of parties!
🎵 "Every Party/ Needs A Pooper/ That Is Why/ We Invited You/ PAR-TY POOOOOOPEERRR!"
So mother Web (Doesn't get a name) Died giving birth to Cassandra, So she grew up resentful and weird!
When Predictions and Images from her Out of Body Experience starts to come true: a balloon pops and Ben tells Cassie there is an Emergency at a Fireworks Factory. She predicts the death of Officer O'Neill during an Explosion, that will cover her in blood, but in a attempt to save O'Neill, he Still Dies, Not by Explosion, but in a car accident, Still covering Cassie in blood.
Because we have to dial it back to mirror to the death of Uncle Ben. Something Spiderverse did better!
Would it too on the nose if this film's Ben would be the one to die? Yes.
Would there be more emotion if Ben, who we've seen more of be the one to die? Also Yes!
So Evil Rich-No name Man is playing with his Mutant Spider when a woman at a computer has set up the Stolen Federal Facial Recognition Programming, also using ID Kit programs of his descriptions, the Women's Faces are unmasked and aged down by 10 years. She is shocked he wants to murder Teenagers for something 10 years or so down the line. But he is paying her a lot of money, he's gotten rich by Ill-gotten Gains, and he wants to Ill-Get some more!
So Cassie has put herself through hospital and Optometrist tells her That her Vision is okay!
The Character, who's Condition of her Vision, is a Spoiler, So much so it is her biggest Trait, the First thing anyone notices when they first see her, and you are telling her....Her Vision...is...okay?
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| "F**K YOU! F**K ALL OF YOU! GO F*CK YOURSELF, GO F**K YOURSELF FOREVER, YOU F**KS!" |
She wants to know what is causing her to see and Feel this, but various Doctor's has done all they can. She suggests that Cassie takes A week off and if she feels this way, the doctor will refer her to a Psych Ward.
We cut to her watching A Christmas Carol during the Summer.
...Ben calls Cassie's Phone, but it goes to answering Machine, he's been trying to invite her to O'Neill's Funeral, even though she feels guilty. She is still having Deja Vu, when she stops a Pigeon who flew into her Window and Died.
Convinced she couldn't change everything big, Cassie takes the train to Poughkeepsie to Attend the funeral, just as at the same time, Anya Coruzon (Merced), Julia Cornwall (Sweeney) and Martha Franklin (O'Connor) are also taking the same train. Mr No Name Evil Bad Guy-Guy is informed via earpiece by his employee. She finds it strange all 3 are here at once, as if something has, or will connect them.
A Train Accident, Predictions and Terrible acting-Are you sure this isn't A Final Destination Film? Cassie's Visions go insane and out of sequence, as the other future spiderwomen, don't arrive at the same time, only one at a time, meaning she sees each girl k*lled by Rich Asshole's Poison touch one at a time, she saves them by evacuating them from the train, only for him to spot her and tries to run after the train pulls away.
They want to know Cassandra pushed them off the train, and Conclude they fell for a Kidnapping plot. They get on a different train, where Bad Guy-Guy! Kills the driver, they get off this train, where Cops try to Arrest Cassie for Kidnapping.
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| 🎵Spider-Fraud, Spider-Fraud! Does everything, To an Extent!🎵 |
That's when they see a Black Rip-off Spiderman costume, crawling on the ceiling towards them, very slowly. Who takes out the police with poison touch (so you know he is), teleportation and Cloning powers.
What Spider can do that?
And it seems only Our Heroes can see him and so can normal people seconds before it's too late. Cassie steals a cab and tells the girls to get in. Julia thanks Cassie, But she blows it off, as In she's only doing it solely to make the Visions Stop.
OUR HERO EVERYBODY!
She asks the Girl's their names, Hoping maybe there is a Connection. But because Julia shouted "She's A Kidnapper!" And no one saw Spider-Fraud (That's his name now!) The police are after Cassie, not Bad Guy-Guy. Not helped by Cassie throwing Martha's phone out the car window so the police won't track them.
Spider Fraud in his civilian form snarls at Employee (who also isn't good enough to a have a name). To use the Tools he Stole and use them Better, You useless Woman! That's when you know he won't be back for the Sequel.
When you NO RESPECK WAMINS!
Forced to camp and complain to each other, Julia Finally recognized Cassie as the Paramedic who saved her Stepmother, Anya recognized the "Weirdo who doesn't pick up her junk mail and makes it the building's problem!" Martha claims she never met, only for Cassie to tell her she flip her off. "BUT I FLIP EVERYONE OFF!"
So Cassie come out and says it
This causes Martha to snort laugh though how many times has Marvel Villains Invaded New York, so how could you not belie-NO WAIT, THOSE THINGS ONLY HAPPENED IN THE DISNEY MARVEL UNIVERSE, The Worst that has happened was a few streets bombed by the Green Goblin. So she leaves them in the woods for 3 hours to check something when Julia says "Spider-Person"
Cassie returns home to look at her mother's notes on the La Aranqa Tribe, thinking Spider Fraud is either A tribesman, or someone connected to Web via Oscorp. She tries to climb a wall like an idiot, but reads they also have an innate sixth sense, she finds a photo of her mother and her Murderer Ezekiel Samson and gets a feeling that the man chasing her is connected somehow.
Back in the Forest, The Teenagers argue amongst themselves, Anya Being Poor Resents Martha being rich, only for Martha to say her parents are Rich A-Holes who don't give her the time of day, it's getting dark so they finally convince Julia to find the diner they past for some food.
And to give all the Comic Fans PTSD, the music they chose for this moment is MIS-TEEQ'S Scandalous, which was famously the song in the Catwoman Movie's Infamous basketball scene with 100 different Cuts.
By the way, the Teenagers don't have their powers yet. Does that mean a Spider is going to burp in their mouths?
So they get to the diner and Martha has money, but she's a Rebel without A Clue, so she orders more food than they need. However she sees something that will pay their tab, a group of teenage boys, Martha's plan is use her and Julia's looks to scam money and attention from these hormones! We are supposed to believe Sydney Sweeney is a Cloddish Girl, When in truth she looks like a Schoolgirl in a P**n video. Meanwhile as all this is going on, the Kidnapping made the newspapers and a trucker recognizes the girls so he drops a dime. Just as Employee tracks the call to confirm they are in Church Hill New Jersey. She patches Spider Fraud into the police frequently to misdirect the police from turning up so he can k*ll.
So when Cassie comes back she sees footprints to the diner, where she finds the teens table dancing for the boys to pay their tab, that's when Spider Fraud comes in just as the radio Station plays Toxic by Britney Speers. In what is the most stupid use of a vision, she plans to use the length of the of most repetitive song ever made to determine when Spider-Fraud would k*ll Martha. But the cab radio cuts out so instead she drives into The window to knock down Spider Fraud. Makes it Easy! But he Grabs her wrist, a Musical Thrill Rings out to Denote this is important Foreshadowing!
In the cab, An Angry (I guess) Cassandra reads them the Riot Act, all the while The poison in her wrist starts it's Nasty work.
Aria (So she does have a name!) Tells Spider Fraud she found Cassandra Web's Details. This causes Spider-Fraud to say "Did you say "Web" but That's impossible!"
"WHAT'S IMPOSSIBLE? TELL US! WE ARE IN ONE HOUR INTO YOUR TWO HOUR FILM, AND YOU HAVEN'T EVEN TOLD THE AUDIENCE YOUR NAME!
also, they finally give Cassandra's mother's given name as Constance!
Breaking into a motel, Cassandra Promises to Bring them back home to their parents. Turns out Julia was at the Train station that day to run away, her mother is in a psych ward and her stepfamily doesn't want her. Martha reckons that since her parents didn't come back from Beijing to even pay Cassie a Ransom for her, that she is in the same boat. Anya shoots down Cassie's backup plan to call the Police, as her single father was deported, and she couldn't pay rent, because she can't. "Until I'm 18, I don't exist!" So going to the police is also out of the question!
So after all that, as the girls are asleep, Cassandra does a midnight Flit. Kicking the can down the road I see!
But It's actually to investigate The Diner, which is now a Crime Scene. And what happens next is...In question. Either Ezekiel Samson is there. Or the Spiderfraud form is teleporting him back and forth as both forms, or the poison is psychically linking her to Samson (Or is it Simmons?), who hasn't aged in 30 Years -But will age in 10 more?-But she learns who he is, Why he is and what's his damage-He really Does Say "I CAN DO ANYTHING, BECAUSE I'M A MAN!" And he won't have her underestimating him like her mother did!
She wakes back at the hotel So with him Providing info in the future that now doesn't happen, the next morning, Cassandra teaches something that will Counteract the poison touch, CPR. Not sure how effective it is when I know the end result to what will happen to Cassie, but whatever-Training montage! She shows the girls the photo of her mother and the man who claims to be Ezekiel Samson, she doesn't have enough information, so she has to leave them, and the country. So while she's in Peru, she leaves them with Ben, however Ben is looking after Mary-You know, the pregnant woman, whose husband is some kind of globetrotting businessman?
So Cassie Backpacks to Peru guided only by Photos and Gut Feelings. She meets the shaman who held her in Birth, Now a Fashionable Metrosexual, Middle-aged man, You know I was hoping for a costume that was a bit more on the mystical or cultural side than this.
So since we are in chapter 13 of a 16-chapter film, the Shaman is here as our lore Dump character. Ezekiel Samson stole the sacred Spiders and while it gave him powers, he was also cursed to die in a preordained Fashion, But to help the girls get their powers, Cassie must unlock all of hers, so the shaman pushes Cassie's soul out of her body and into the Web of Life in the sacred pool
In her final moments Constance actually apologized to her unborn daughter, but we go further back to why Constance was in Peru in the first place. We are in a doctor's office when the doctor tells Constance the baby will be born with a Degenerative Muscular Dystrophy condition (and I suppose The poison touch has accelerated it, because Spider Venom can do everything, I guess!) and Constance wants to use the Spiders to cure it. The Doctor tells her Not to travel in her condition, but she won't condemn her daughter to a live of helplessness.
Feels Kind of Iffy that the Orphanage wasn't Told of this to tell her when she came of age, But sadly this is truth in Television, Foster Charities and Organizations Struggle.
All this time She was Resentful for Nothing, and if Dakota Johnson Could feign Sadness, she could cry. We can settle for The Memory Of Constance becoming aware and giving her a hug.
And that Hug causes her to be one with The Force, as the Shaman explains in due time, the Web of Life will evolve from just seeing the Future to what Madame Web currently is in the comics, Omnipotent and Omnipresent, but only if she accepts responsibility for her actions. For When you Accept Responsibility Great Power will come!
Back in New York In Mary's House, with Ben and the Girls, Mary's water has Broke four weeks too early!
So they bundle into a car, and despite being careful, Martha's face gets scanned by a camera after Ben swerves to avoid a Garbage Truck from crashing into them. Cassandra returns (Despite Being An 8 Hour plane journey from Peru to New York) she looks in Mary's house and has a vision of what happened and what will.
Remember I speculated that Mary's Husband Richard was Ezekiel under an assumed name? Well forget that, as in the vision, Ezekiel k*lls her and everyone else in the car with a Grenade, so that's what I get for thinking. Cassie seeing an ambulance next door, steals it for a Big Car Chase, Ezekiel orders Aria to switch traffic lights to cause mayhem. He is about to throw his grenade, until Cassandra crashes through some Product placement to run over Spider-Fraud, she bundles the girls, knowing Samson is too one-track minded, he won't hurt anyone If they are not with them.
Swerving through New York traffic with Spider-Fraud on their tail, Cassie tells Anya to use the defibrillator to see a shocking trap when Samson lands on the roof, he falls into a car, buying the girls some time.
But uh oh, Spaghetti O's, the Gas is Empty, But Cassie had a Vision involving the fireworks factory and a Helicopter. She calls dispatch for Aerial assistance and she gets it, not have Dispatch say "Hey I know that Voice-You're that CRAZY KIDNAPPER B***H WHO GAVE US PARAMEDICS A BAD NAME!" No, Nothing like that! Not anything that would make sense!
Handing the Girls flares, she wants them to purposely start a fire to slow down Samson and give the Helicopter a reason to land and rescue them they head upstairs to a Big egregious Pepsi sign-Let's keep Peddling that Pepsi!
Look, there's Seeing the Future and then there's Plot Armour, as Cassie pulls put a piece of Shrapnel that she dodged out of a wall at the last minute then uses said to deflect rockets like she's Captain FREAKING AMERICA!
So let's finish this.
You're probably wondering what's the deal with Big S that was in Cassandra's vision, well it's the S of the big in the Pepsi sign, Samson blows up the helicopter by deflecting a rocket with an uppercut Samson puts all the girls in danger and confronts Cassie. She pulls off his mask, and he mocks her, saying she can't save all three, that's when she taps into the Web of Life and Oh my God there's 4 of them now!
But it leaves Cassie's Physical Body open to a gut punch, on the railing right behind the Blatant ad campaign, Cassie goads the Chauvinist Chud to gloat long enough for his section of the bridge to fall apart and to be Pulverized Promptly by Pathetic Product Placement.
I have a feeling Spider-Chud won't be Returning in Avengers: Doomsday!
Cassie Is also Thrown by the Explosion, but into the Hudson, she is distracted by the Giant S Floating in front of her, looking long enough for a stray Firework to explode in her face. The girls' bring her to the surface, But Cassie is not breathing. Fortunately this is why Cassie trained them in CPR for something like this! And so it ends Bittersweetly, Cassie lives but is permanently blind and will lose the ability to move her limbs in due time, Ben is an uncle to Mary's son and so we skip to some time later, Cassie now Confined to a wheelchair in her apartment the girls now do errands for her, they ask Cassie if her vision is any better, she says her's has never being clearer, as she sees a their future with them fighting crime with costumes and Powers that didn't even turn up and they were probably expecting a Sequel to be a Sure thing. Good luck with that because...
THIS FILM SUCKS!
Newsflash, But in a Post called "Worst of 2025" this one takes the whole Biscuit tin! The script is Cringe, the Direction is Misguided, the Pepsi-Peddling is so bad, I can see the film having minutes edited out of it when they will show it on British TV. The supporting cast are doing their hardest, but between Johnson's flat voice and unlikable personality and Tahar Rahim's one note drive of "MONEY GOOD! POWER GOOD! WOMEN BAD! GRRRR!" It was never going to be enjoyable, maybe as a source of reviews and memes, but that's the last thing Studios want their products to be!
Next Month on Bogger Box office, In place of the poll this month, I instead will review one of the options. As next month we learn that whatever you do, when you return home, Crap Happens!
CREDITS
Madame Web was Reviewed Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With Media from:
Madame Web
MST3K
Captain America (1990)
eSURANCE
Spiderman Comics
Merlin Fish Reacts to The Fine Brothers
Bad Movie Beatdown
Dragonball Movie: Bardock and Dragonball Z Abridged
Doctor Who
Bubsy-The Animated Series.
All rights reserved. All Media used belong to their respective owners.
Madame Web is a character who is property of Marvel Comics and Disney. And this Movie also named Madame Web is produced by Columbia Pictures and Distributed by Sony.
