Halloween Special 2024: Eye of the Beast

 Here we are with the Halloween Special, where it's Customary on this website to delve into the Very Worst of Sky's Freeview Horror and Sci-fi channels.

Only this year, we have a little Problem. 

Last winter, Horror channel, CBS Action and Thriller all rebranded as Legend, and widened their programming beyond their former identities' Niches, for good and bad, sure we can now spring for Hammer Horror and classics like Day Of The Triffids, But any bad Horror is lost in the shuffle of equally bad modern westerns, Mindless Shot-All-Dem-Dar-Russians Action Films and Cheesy Romance Films.

So yeah, this year, I Really had to delve my hand into the Celluloid Sewer to pull out Specific Crap from a sea of Crap!

But I still pulled a Turd out to be examined-And what can be better than a Former Big-Time TV Star from the most overrated AF show of the Late Nineties, punching Plastic Tentacles while stage hands dump water on you on a Shaky Sound stage?

Let's Dig into 2007's Eye of the Beast.

Watching this from a recording on Sky, so no review on artwork!

THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED PG, BUT THIS REVIEW IS WRITTEN WITH AN ADULT AUDIENCE IN MIND.

The film starts on the night of the Full Moon on a lake, where Cringy parody of CURRENT YEAR! Hip hop plays out, as two Stupid Sexy Teens in a Speedboat make out!

So the Stupid Sexy Teen Boy throws his trash into the water, which make the Stupid Girl not put out... for a minute! Until she hears a noise, so we get the Customary fake-out, until the real thing comes to kill our Hormonal Happy Meals on Legs, as a tentacle Drags down the Speedboat (The CGI clearly shows a Ship being crushed!) As the boy, Bobby cries out for Chrissy, who is no doubt dead!

Cut to the morning here in the lakeside town of Fell Island, as the Good looking female Sheriff exercises in preparation to having an action scene later. We cut to an empty pub, as a Fisherman tells his wife, the publican, he's picking up a scientist that's come to the island to investigate the drop of the Fish population, otherwise the local business will be in trouble. 

And so to the Sheriff's office, Chrissy's adult brother, Pete, who was the only family she had, reports her missing to Sheriff Kat who gives him the old 48 hour excuse (Which is a fabrication of Hollywood!)  But it seems Kat had a thing with him back in the day, something that has given her a bad reputation when any outsiders come to town.

Speaking of, we get the new Arrivals , a Family of pampered unlikable Tourists and our hero Dr James Van Der Guy from a Music Video! This is Fell Island, an armpit of Nowhere, in Ontario, Canada, That makes it's commerce via A struggling Fishing industry, lakeside Home-share real estate and "the Beast" as a local t-shirt peddler calling himself "The Capt'n" gets a rise out of the Tourists.

Dr Dan Leland (Van Der Beek) meets with the Sheriff who predictably enough, makes Goo-goo eyes at the PhD, only she doesn't want his PH, she only wants his.... I'LL STOP! 

He wants to get to business as soon as possible, much to the anger of Gunner, the fisherman we saw earlier. Kat exposits that the fishermen don't trust Any researchers as they in the Past were bribed by the fishing companies, who just want to up and leave the smaller islands in favour of bigger catches. They also believe the low numbers are because of the "Indians" who are exploiting Traditional Rights to overfish. (This film was made in 2007, so it was a different time!)

Gunner's Boat Brings them out to the middle of the lake, meanwhile we are back with our family of Yuppies having a walk at Lakeside, the father is snatched by a tentacle, while taking Pictures of stones- Being a City Slicker I'm sure the only grass and rocks he's seen are the kind sold in back alleys! 

Back on the boat, Dr Leland doesn't make himself anymore welcome, but since they are all R*cist on this Boat, why would he? Back at the Bar, all the Fishwives gossip, like they do and are Convinced Sheriff Kat puts herself out for the revolving door of Scientists to convince them to close down the cannery, as we learn the Fishing Company had it's hand in on the island's Game and Fishing Department and maybe they Should "Convince" Kat to be on their side, for once.

That night, Leland's sonar picks up something not moving in the water, they find the debris of Bobby's speedboat and a Unconscious Bobby. He startles back to life, rambling about a monster eating Chrissy, before he Dies from Hypothermia.

Leland examines the Debris and Finds not Bite marks, but spiral marks, like those from a tentacle, but nothing that big shouldn't exist, not in a cold freshwater land locked lake. He's worried but he makes the mistake of not telling the suspicious fisherman what he found.

Kat gets a Phonecall by the crew to retrieve Bobby's body for Autopsy. When Leland shows Kat the Debris that had Spiral Patterns, Kat accuses them all of evidence tampering, causing Gunner to let slip about "Giant Squid". Chrissy's Brother hears this and now knows his sister is dead.

Using Google Dr Leland matches the pattern to an image found on a whale, he's convinced there is a giant Squid in the waters surrounding them.

Leland and Kat get to know each other while searching for the missing Tourist and they find him- or at least, they find What's left!

Kat invites Leland for a drink that night, not helping the Rumours that she hooks up with all the Scientists for her bosses. Chrissy's family are native American, as is Kat. They are sitting at a table speaking to each other in their native tongue about taking revenge. When Dr Leland invites himself over to talk to them, his friendly actions causes a Fight between them and the Fishermen when the white men harangue the natives and steal their beers, but Leland and Kat break it up, meanwhile the "Capt'n" Finds Chrissy's leg while fishing, which is identified as hers at the police station, when Pete sees the  Bracelet he made for his sister, as a girl.

Kat Issues a Ban on Fishing which naturally doesn't go down well with the Fishermen, Who accuse the Native Sherrif of Favouring her "Own Kind". Dr Leland tries to make them see sense, except he's about as welcome as a Box Of Cancer too! So the Fishermen resolve to man the fishery themselves.

Kat showing both warring parties the Tourist's Torso and Kat's Leg Convinces them neither is at fault for their deaths, Meanwhile Gunner's Crew, Noah and Spider have Stolen Debris to sell to the likes of "Capt'n" or anyone who will pay good money on the existence of "The Beast", Much to Dr Leland's Falling credibility when he issues a report to his Superiors, who are not Convinced and drag up his Daddy Issues, (It was mentioned the older Dan Leland is like the Superstar of Marine Biology!)

In the Bar, despite the doctor being Persona Non Gratia, They Serve him, However Mrs Jen Gunner exposists that Kat "saw" a Lake Monster "kill" her father and she never got over her delusion, citing it as the reason she wants the Fishery Closed Down. Kat has opted to take time off, just as Dawson explains how Deep we are Up this Creek!

Kat brings Leland to her house and sure enough, she is obsessed with Giant Squid, But it's not enough to convince his Bosses, even if they had proof, Then they would Protect the squid and Relocate everyone off the island. 

At the same time the Gunners Contemplate their future...when a CGI Tentacle give them both a pat on the back! In their panic, Jen throws her husband's knife to him and he cuts off the tentacle...Well There's Your Proof!

Gunner Throws the tentacle Onto the table at the bar as the local Yokels have more Slack in their Jaws than usual! Leland sees this, and with a handful of squid blood goes to Kat to convince her to either stop the creature or Gunner and his men from leading a suicide mission!

So the Plan is to Stop Gunner by using their collective knowledge to convince the fisherman how inadequate his equipment are, So Kat wants Gunner and his men to team with the Natives.

So the Film devolves into Night-time B-roll and Plastic Tentacles hitting actors Splashed by Buckets of water by an offscreen stagehand.

The plan is to use the Squid's Naturally Emitted ammonia which it uses to regulate it's body temperature. If they can keep it near the surface it'll overheat itself!

So Let's Wrap this up!

The Squid Destroys the Engines of Gunner's Ship, Not to Attack it, But to stop them from rescuing the Native Ship, who are picked off one by one, by plastic Tentacles and the ship is crushed by the same animation that crushed the speedboat-And they are next! Leland has a plan B-Just plain electrocute the dahm thing with Wires and Harpoons, The beast kills Noah and Spider, it Drags Gunner but finds Kat Gunner has Rigged the Device to Blow, but his escape route is blocked, the Giant Squid reveals itself as Kat gets her Revenge by Harpooning it right in the eye, Gunner flips the switch as the electrified Squid falls back into the depths, now dead, But for romantic drama, Fishing lines tie around Kat's foot and Pulls her into the water, and she nearly drowns, if not for Dr Leland saving her and they Kiss in the water as Gunner rolls his eyes, and So the Sun Rises On Fell Lake, With our Heroes making plans to get the hell outta dodge before there are talks of a sequel! 

NOT BAD, NOT REMARKABLE EITHER!

Due to the limited Technology of 2007, and The Reputation of Canada's Film Board, this film naturally has little resources going into it! The smart choice Was to write this script in the Godzilla Method: Tease the Creature's appearance, Focus on the Human Drama caused by the presence of this creature and make it believable, like having a creature terrorise a fishing town causing it's citizens to turn on each other and blame outsiders!

It all falls apart in the 3rd act, where the action is moved from Scenic Ontario to a sound stage, where Van Der Beek, The Cameraman from Power rangers Dino Thunder and a few soap actors fight rubber tentacles as stage hands shake the platform they are standing on! While the CGI hasn't aged well, these 2000s era Sci-fi channel original movies of this calibre have some charm!

 CREDITS

Eye of the Beast was reviewed, compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham

With media from

Jontron

Eye Of the Beast.

Eye of the Beast was Produced for Syfy (then called Sci-fi Channel) by RHI and Sonar Entertainment

All rights reserved. All media used belong to their respective owners. 

NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE

"When I Was Young....I was a famous Brother...."

"...And Now, I'm Not even That Anymore!"

Next Month we go through the True story of the Famed Von Erich Family of Wrestlers, a clan who are were blessed with god-given talent and cursed with Tragedy that would tear their world apart! As we ring the bell and Tussle with The Iron Claw!

Eamonn Reviews Blue Beetle

 The following Film is Rated 12.

"I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE, SOMEBODY'S WAAAAATCHING MEEEEE, I HAVE NO PRIVACY!"

We Continue in the DC universe with one of DC's Secondary Tier but Just as Popular Heroes. Specifically the Third Blue Beetle Jaime Reyes! You see despite DC having its New 52 reboot that was supposed to clean the slate and restart the Universe with all stories happening all at once, no more editorial Changes, No more Infinite Earths. The DC universe was no longer going to be Confusing for new fans.

Hahahaha!

So of course they forgot that characters are not the first version of Characters. Namely they forgot Barry Allen was the Second flash and made Jay Garrick the Earth 2 flash, going back on what they set out to do. 

And to our hero of this film, whose predecessors are treated like footnotes.

We start our Adventure in Some kind of Tundra. In a Yurt, A Buff Tattooed Man is looking at a Pocket watch in the Glow of a Fire, when he hears the Sound of Helicopter Blades.

When out comes of a Purple Disco stick Helicopter is our Villain Susan Sarandon, playing a Gender bent Jarvis Kord of Kord Industries. She's rude to a Hispanic Worker (FORESHADOWING!) and meets the Buff Man she calls Calapax as they head towards a Perfectly Round Meteorite. Kord is certain "The Scarab is inside!" 

After an opening montage that blurs through 6 decades of Mythos. The Scarab,  found by Dan Garrett, the first Blue Beetle, until his passing results in it coming into the possession of Ted Kord, who used the Scarab as both a tool for Crimefighting and it's technologies to become an industrialist, to his "Disappearance" WINK, WINK! Leading to Jarvis, now Victoria Kord in Charge of Kord Industries. And every time the Blue Beetle Passes, the Scarab Disappears.

Until Now!

Cut to Palmera City, Florida and Graduate Student Jaime Reyes ( Xolo Marioduena) Returns home, However his Family are Hiding Bad News from him. A Giant Humvee goes to meet them and it's Driven by George Lopez, because every Film with Hispanic actors has to have him! But George is very Jumpy about being out in public.

"Cameras Esse! Facial Recognition, Holmes!"

"The Last thing I want is all the Comedians I stole Jokes from to recognise me, that's why I'm wearing a fake goatee, Holmes!"

At a Restaurant, the Truth comes out, The Reyes are Losing their home, the Autoshop is out of business with Rudi (Lopez) blaming Kord for making Petrol obsolete and Papa had a Heart Attack. But they didn't want Their son to Fail because of Worry!

So instead you are guilt tripping him to be the sole breadwinner. Good job, assholes!

Actually, I'm wrong because his family's poverty was always his motivation. That night he and his sister (Becky G) are on the roof look towards the Encroaching Kord Tower, His sister Laughs that how Naive Jaime is: thinking a Degree will be enough when he's Hispanic.

We Cut to Jaime Standing in a White suit in a plush House with a Big Swimmin....Yeah OF COURSE HE'S A MEXICAN CLEANING WHITE R*CISTS SWIMMING POOLS!

Said White R*cist Naturally is Victoria Kord, who is visited by Ted's Daughter Jennifer who wants to why her father's Crime Fighting Technology is being used for Private Military use in Creating what is called O.M.A.C. (Named after a Silver age DC Hero!)

Jennifer Accuse her Aunt of Manufacturing weapons, which is Something "we Didn't Agree on"! But Victoria points out there is no "We", there is only herself and some Brat still on the Payroll doing Charity solely for PR after her Father left her AND DEFINITELY NOT HELD ON MY PRIVATE ISLAND, I'M NOT GIVING AWAY PLOT EARLY, YOU ARE!

Jaime intervenes in the Argument and Victoria fires him and his Sister. And while Jennifer is not impressed with Jaime's Chivalry, she is responsible for his firing, so Jennifer give him a Job interview tomorrow.

That Night Jaime is contemplating the job interview when he hears music in the garden and sees his father Drinking despite his heart attack. Jaime tells his father, he feels like a Failure for not finding opportunities. But his father let's him know everyone has a Purpose-Even Jaime Reyes from the Barrio in the Keyes.

It's the day of the Interview and the entire Reyes Family are here to Cheer on/Embarrass Jaime.

After Going through the "Jamie Reeves"  bit from the comics, Jenny does some Corporate Espionage. Exclaiming "She Found It!" Seeing and Grabbing the Scarab Which Jenny hides in a Chicken Shop Box. Seeing Jennifer, Jaime Chases after her to  get proof that he has an appointment, while Victoria's Hispanic Punchbag calls for a Security lockdown. Jaime catches up to Jenny, so she panics and hands Jaime the box, Telling him, not open it! The Fate of the world depends on no Mortal hands touching the contents of this Chicken Box! 

So Anyway Jaime opens the box, because his family chants at him! They proceed to play keep away with the Scarab until Jaime catches it and it springs to life, Facehugging his head and causing Xolo to flail about like he's auditioning to be Stanley Ipkiss in the Mask remake!

After  the Scarab Dreamcatcher's Jaime's Butt, And burns him from the inside out to form the Armour, the Blue Beetle is Reborn. With an AI Only Jaime can hear!

"INITIALIZING IRON MAN RIP-OFF SEQUENCE!"

-Wait, What?

"BEGINNING INVOLUNTARY FLIGHT MONTAGE!"

-I don't think...

"CHANGING TROUSER COLOUR TO BROWN!" 

So Jaime Destroys the house he was trying to save -WHOOPS!

One Flight Montage that has N*zi Rat Lawyers Throwing Furniture Around, he makes it to a City centre as a bus was to run him over, until the Scarab makes a force field that rips the Bus in half as it Continues to drive through The Blue Beetle. 

THINK JAIME, THINK!

All the while 3 Randos, 2 Hispanic and the First Black actor seen in the film all think it's all an effect of an Edible!

Back in what's left of the Reyes' house, Abuella lights a candle of a Shrine to Jaime, while Mama's phonecall to the police is treated as a crank call. Jaime crashes home, the Suit reactivates, leaving Jaime naked as he flops unconscious.

He wakes with the Family Naturally Performing A Seance on him. He redresses, noticing the Scarab firmly Attached to his Spinal cord. Rudi tells him not to contact Kord or the Police, as the Gringos would arrest Jaime and Cover up the Destruction as A Bunch of Mexicans who burned their house as an insurance scam. Distracted by Them Singing TV Themes from out of nowhere, Jaime Steals Rudi's Humvee.

Driving to Kord Industries, Jaime Conveniently Finds Jenny in Distress. And soon the car is shoot up by mercenaries. They Drive Back to Jaime's Home, while in the back George Lopez is screaming like Kanye West Hit him with a baseball bat again!

So Jenny kind of Glazes over what the Scarab is, by saying "oh, It's just a planet Destroying Weapon that belonged to my dad!" She says there should be key Documents at Kord Industries, Sadly tonight is The Big Product reveal party, never mind security at high alert after the theft. Luckily, Rudi is Somewhat of An Inventor Himself, as he's being Working on Something!

At the Kord Party, Ignacio Calapax is Shown to be the Test Subject from the Prototype O.M.A.C already Grafted to the back of his Head. He tells Kord that he will personally get to the Scarab back. Kord tells him he better, it's the Key to get O.M.A.C fully functional. It seems Victoria and Ignacio have some indebted servitude/Forbidden love Dynamic, given how she practically almost introduced him to a party guest as "One of the Good Ones!"

Rudi had invented a Signal Jammer called "El Chapo", Strong Enough to override the security feed with with Cartoons. The Key Jenny was seeking was a Fitbit! So what ever it does, it would be nice, if she gave it to Jaime, not runaway when Calapax attacked!

Despite O.M.A.C being a Cruder Technology compared to the Scarab, at least Ignacio has Autonomy over it. The Scarab Practically takes over Jaime's actions as almost has Him backseat his own body nearly committing Murder. A mercy that nearly costs the blue Beetle Until Rudi runs O.M.A.C over.

The Trio of Jaime, Jenny and Rudi, make it to Jenny's Childhood home. Where the Fitbit opens a Secret Door to a bat...er, Beetle Cave. Rudi can't believe it, Ted Kord was the blue Beetle, An old school Superhero. It helps that Jaime's and  Ted's Costumes are so Different that no one could join the dots.

Jenny Exposists what everyone knows. That, Ted Could not Bond with the Scarab after Dan Garrett died. So he carried on the only way an inventor could, by using Technology from the Scarab to invent Superhero gear, (and make money in his Civilian life too!) If there is a way to Separate Kadj-E-Gar from Jaime (Jaime learned it's name from it's Now Symbiotic Link with him) It'll be on file.

So finally they info dump 6 decades of Continuity into the Bad news that the Scarab will only come off via the death of the current host.

Jaime is upset that he's practically given A death Sentence, Just for Wanting to improve his lot in life, But Rudi doesn't see it that way, he sees the Scarab as a Gift from the Universe, A Sign that Someone Cares about the underdog. Jenny Runs Up to Balcony they were standing in as she points to the sky, One of Kord's Gaudy Purple Nightlight helicopters is flying towards the Edge Keyes Barrio. Jaime tries to Fly but The Scarab decides now is time to let Jaime figure out how to activate the powers!

Jaime works out that the Scarab attached to his Back forever, won't let it Him Die, So when he Jumps off the Balcony, the suit Flies towards the House as the Reyes is Surrounded by the Mercs Kord has in her employ.

As you'd expect from a one Dimensional Rac*st with A Bankroll, Victoria has no qualms using Jaime's Family as Target Practice, to test his capabilities. While Calapax Charges A Rail Cannon made of Scarab Technology. Billie and Papa are Captured but are saved....until Papa has a Heart Attack and dies! Distracted, Jaime doesn't see the Claw and Chain shot by Calapax, which electrocutes him and Disarms the Armour. The House burns down as Calapax Drags Jaime like a Wounded Gazelle, All the While The Latino Punchbag "Sanchez" grows a Conscience!

The Reyes reluctantly Trusts Jenny to get Jaime Back but only she knows where he's held: that Private Island THAT DEFINITELY WAS NOT A PLOT POINT! So the Reyes are flying in a Blue Beetle shaped Helicopter, they find weapons in their quest of side characters saving a superhero to diminish his creditability, but wonder how to use them.

It Would be R*cist if Now they Revealed that, I don't know, Nana was a Cuban Revolutionary or something Stupid like tha-

(FILM REVEALS EXACTLY THAT WORD FOR WORD!)

Jaime regains Consciousness, but is upside down in some king of disc, Jaime asks "Sanchez" to free him, but Victoria arrives. Her plan, extract The Scarab's coding into O.M.A.C, which will kill Jaime.

So after the Side Characters do a Big Dahm heroes including the Helibug having a Fart attack, Jenny sees that Jaime is being Tortured while his life force is being drained to power Hundreds, if not Thousands of O.M.A.Cs. This Causes Jaime to have a out of body experience, the Ghost if his father telling him it's not his time yet! This Causes Jaime and Kadj-E-Gar, Both non the brink of Death to merge as one, just as Calabas Loses Himself to O.M.A.C. But Sanchez frees Jaime telling his boss his Name is Jose Dela Cruz!, Only for O.M.A.C to kill Jose. Jaime runs into Nana with a Rail Gun mowing down security, as at the same time, Jenny's grenade backfires and causes her to be captured by her Aunt. He runs back despite the Unpowered armour being just that, armour. Until a Motivational speech from Mama makes the Blue Beetle Go Diesel, even Kadj-E-Gar can now can Habla Espanol. 

Blue Beetle rescues Rubi and Billie from some Grunts until O.M.A.C. Charges at them. While having a midair dog fight, O.M.A.C matches Blue beetle move for move and weapon for Weapon, Worst still being O.M.A.C is attached to the mind of a Veteran Soldier. But Jaime has an Advantage

He gets some hits in, but O.M.A.C Just whales on Blue Beetle. O.M.A.C taking a potshot at Rudi causes Blue Beetle to go Super Saiyin with a Kamehameha!

In Kord's Gaudy Helicopter, Victoria Brags about Winning, that's when Jenny... blows some Bubblegum her father made... which becomes an all expanding anti Inertia Barrier which causes the Kord's to crash from a helicopter without Major Injury!

Jaime goes berserk on O.M.A.C, but Kadj-E-Gar stops him. The Scarab shows Jaime Memories Extrapolated from Calapax' mind from the data Transfer, Showing his mother killed by a Bomb and his kidnapping and Brainwashing, and Bionic Enhancements into a Child Soldier program lead personally by Victoria Kord. The only thing He has left is the pocket watch with the picture of his mother, So Jaime spares him. Meanwhile Rudi is not Stealing jokes from angels, he's alive, dangling from the ropes by the Helibug! The Kords miraculously dropped 10 feet from the battle, Jenny smashing the data underfoot. Ignacio grabs Kord as Kadj warns that O.M.A.C's Core Generator is being overloaded to Critical. Jaime and Jenny escape while Ignacio drags Kord to the fire the Battle caused as Ignacio sees the ghost of his mother before both villains are engulfed in more flames! 

And so Rudi flies in the Helibug as Billie pulls up Jenny who in turn pulls up Jaime.

Jump forward a few days, and the World learns of Victoria Kord's Evil term of leadership at Kord Industries, via a press release by Jenny. Returning from Papa's Funeral, The Reyes look at the destruction of their home, They wonder what they can do, that's when the whole community rallies to help, With Kord Industries Bankrolling the Repairs. Jenny and Jaime kiss and they Superman Romance Fly into the air as a title drop starts the credit roll but there is a Stinger, a Message in the Beetle-Cave, Ted Kord is alive!

This film is 3 stars and nothing more!

Giving this film more attention than it warrants would make people think it's better it worse than it actually is.

First Xolo Marioduena is giving his first starring role the college try, the sweet moments and Humble beginnings with Jaime and his family is what you expect from A film about Blue Beetle #3. And the Special effects are incredible. 

But DC have a strange way of making plots for their heroes. It seems they write their movies as if Sequels are a sure thing and will only put a major threat in that movie.

Don't believe me?

Green lantern shows Sinestro experimenting with Yellow Energy, but Instead the villain was a Little Person with a Big Forehead!

Justice League: we were Promised Darkseid, Despite my Opinion he is overused in DC Media, but instead we got Steppenwolf, which was redesigned into a werewolf because If non DC-fans find out he's just a guy with the power of Driver's license, they wouldn't show up. 

Why, even last month's review, they wasted a good plot just to end Warworld by telling us there is a sequel!

And now-  We Don't get the Reach, we get Jarvis genderbent, played by once a star, Susan Sarandon playing a one note, Generic, Rich White Rac*st! THIS IS EMBARRASSING! Coming off the momentum of Justice League. But instead we have a film that doesn't know what it wants to be, when they Try for Social Commentary, it comes off as Offending everyone, when they try for Comedy it comes off as Cringe! The sequence where our hero had to be saved by Civilians, only weakens Jaime, O.M.A.C Is a Strong Foil, but there is a problem, if there was a Sequel involving the Reach, how do you implement Black Beetle, a character who looks, sounds and had the M.O. of The Villain we had in the previous film? 

Answer:YOU CANT!

 You either go through the motions or you drastically change the main iconic Villain of that hero!

Fans who waited so long to see Blue Beetle get the Silver screen treatment, I'm sorry but this should have been a TV show, with a big budget! Not a movie! That's my Opinion!

CREDITS

Blue Beetle was Reviewed Compiled and Edited By Eamonn Bermingham

With Media From:

Blue Beetle

DC COMICS

Wonder Showzen

Loony Tunes

Spongebob Squarepants

WWF RAW IS WAR

All Media Used Belong to their Respective Owners.

Blue Beetle Was Produced by Warner Bros, Under Licence by DC COMICS! All rights Reserved!

NEXT MONTH ON BOGGERBOXOFFICE!

Given March is The Month that Contains Saint Patrick's Day, it's only fair I review the First Irish language film to be Nominated For ( and Snubbed out of!)  an Oscar. An Caileen Cuain (The Quiet Girl)

HALLOWEEN SPECIAL 2022: BATTLESTAR WARS

 Once Upon a Time...

In a Galaxy Far Far Away....

So Far In Fact, That Disney could not send out any of their Lawyers!

So we Open with a Non-Copyrighted Text Scrawl BLAH BLAH BLAH Evil Coalition of Planets BLAH BLAH BLAH Rebel Scum BLAH BLAH BLAH Secret planet destroying Weapon!

We Truly open with Generic 3D Ships with one boarded by the other after it was reported stolen by the Coalition. The thief, who tries to run is arrested by this Amalgamation of the Jedi and Stormtrooper costumes, The Rebel, Shoots the control pad to crash the ship! The Coalition agent requests back up but is refused. The Rebel, Corbrine, tells him that the Coalition has lied to the Paladins for Eons.

The Storm-Jedis are called "Paladins"

"WHAT'S A PALADIN?"

The Rebels want a planet free of war. A planet hidden and spoken in Legend. The Paladin exclaims there is no such planet in this Sector!

And here is where we get the "Battlestar" in BATTLESTAR WARS!

The Hidden Planet is Earth.

The Rebel Pleads his case, but the paladin tries to request his terms of surrender, but the orders are kill Rebels on Sight. This makes the Paladin Sacrifice himself as he tells Corbrine to take as many Refugees he can and put them on his ship to get to planets surface, The ship explodes with a force Effect also descending to Earth.

Title Drop and so does my Expectations. As the screen tells us that this is a film by the Asylum, World Famous Rip-off Merchants!

2 years later.

The Same Rebel, has embarked onto a bigger ship, manned by a female Captain called Ajax, who thinks Corbrine is getting sloppy delivering Supplies to Haven, as Earth is called here! Ajax has a Chewbacca, or rather, a low Budget Chewbacca as a Muscleman wearing Chewie's Bandolier and a Viking Beard Growls his line that he is A Novak, a warrior race with no naming conventions who Once killed 2000 of his Kind to prove worthy of joining the Rebels.

Meanwhile on the Coalition ship, (not that you can tell, they use 4 sets in all and both ship quarters and bridge for both sides are the exact same 2 sets) We meet our real Hero, Princess Reystara (yes Really,) who fixes her android called Helper, is the C3PO of this world, because she has a British Accent! She can also teleport, a special Effect done to death. She is also an android, not a robot, because it saves on Costumes!

Reystara has a Secret, but since this is a star wars rip-off, they Spare us what it is, when a Cross between Boba Fett and Baldrick from Blackadder tells her that her father requires to see her.

The Empire has being Searching for  Haven as Not-Boba meets with Lord Malicesaur, a John Barrowman look alike in a red Bathrobe. (Yes, I can see that his name is Different, but in the film, They pronounce it As "Malicesaur", because no one is professional at all, to commit to the piece, even if it's garbage!)

You know what?

 Lord Malicesaur is too cool a name for a yob like you, you are Lord Bathrobe from now on! Also the ship is manned by other Helpers. It saves on hiring more actors.

Corbrine and Ajax argue about the events of the opening scene, how a Thousand refugees were left to die, because they were caught by a Paladin, and Ajax did Nothing with the Freighter he now stands in. So Corbrine invites Ajax to Haven, who believes she killed the Paladin and she was feeling guilty of it. So she asks why she is given this second chance.

Corbrine tells her that they found a Miracle Do-Everything Material called Mana, But they can't Retrieve it all on their Meager Ships, which is why they need a Freighter. And with it, they can trade Mana to turn haven from a backwater planet to a Real Civilization.  

But it turns out Ajax and her Crew have turned Traitor. Meanwhile Lord Bathrobe tells Baldrick Fett to fetch his daughter to watch Daddy Work. But Reystara sends a hologram Of her as she and Helper plan there Escape. Baldrick Fett Exposits that she must be A little sad her Home planet is to be Destroyed or she hasn't targeted him in pranks out of  Passive Aggression, so he doesn't notice that the Hologram doesn't emote.

If her Actress did, she would be over qualified for this gig!

Reystara and Her Helper Unit use an Escape Pod to get to Haven, Lord Bathrobe sends a hammy speech to the people of Haven and tells his Scruffy robed Toady, Zelus (YES, REALLY!) to Set a Blockade around the planet, no ships in or out!

Ajax and Novak rob Corbrine blind of his mana, So Reystara and Helper, using a voice changer to sound like Bathrobe,to fake an official arrest to rescue the rebels. Reystara tells the rebel Leader who's side she's on but warns that The Coalition army is looming, Corbrine tells the princess that they don't have an army! The rebels are Orphans, widows, farmers, at best a few weapon smugglers, but none that can compete with the Coalition's Army. But they do have the Paladin, the only trouble is the Paladins swear undying loyalty to the Coalition. And he is in hypersleep after the Fight they had 2 years ago.

Distracted by Malicesaur, Ajax is told that he gave no such order to his daughter, Our 3 heroes retrieve Corbrine's Ship to return to Haven.

They Dock in an Abandoned Ship in an Asteroid belt to retrieve the Paladin from his pod, but he's still a little tender from his injuries.

Denz, to give his name, does know everyone and trusts Corbrine, though he does state he is an idiot, But doesn't fully extend his trust to Reystara, as out of his serfdom, he claims she is a traitor! He still wants to turn Corbrine In, But Reystara's Influence makes her able to override all of Denz' Weapons and traps! As a pod drops down to Haven Containing Ajax's Crew.

Reystara tells Denz peace was never an option, if her father sent an army to capture one ship. Bathrobe is surprised a Paladin is still alive, (Because lets add World-building as we go along!)

Zelus and Denz have a Dogfight so intense, Denz drops his English Accent for a Swedish One!

Meanwhile Ajax Sends Goons to kill Corbrine who get easily Killed.

So Reystara and Denz are on Haven, and like Luke and Obi-wan Before them they try to convince the other that The Emperor can be reason with.

Darth Vader was Disfigured and lost everyone he loved and Trusted because of his Ambition and his own actions to carry out said ambitions, he is a Vulnerable shell of a man covered in a cold unfeeling, terrifying facade-"He is more Machine Than Man"

Lord Bathrobe is a guy who looks like John Barrowman in his Dressing room spouting lines like he's doing Shakespeare in a Community Theatre  

THEY ARE NOT THE SAME!

A few Lasers Shoot at Denz' Shield as Restraya finds a Few Child Actors who run off on Cue. The Rebel Ships fly off leaving Corbrine to be Captured by Novak. As Zelus Retrieves some kind of Paladin Weapon, which he tells Denz he stole from the many Paladins he killed, Denz is the last of their kind, seems like the Paladins caught wind of how oppressive the Coalition became and was wiped out in a coup 2 years ago. He also tells Reystara he killed her Mother for being a Pointwoman for the Rebels. They go to have a fight, but Helper teleports them away.

Back on Corbrine's Ship, Helper and the others set Coordinates to Ajax' Freighter. Denz doesn't trust the Pirates out of Principal and because they Betrayed them already! But instead of Rescuing Corbrine, they plan on Negotiating with her instead. But that might be off the table with  Corbrine having a bomb stuck to his chest. They get Thrown into a brig, but they forget about Helper, who Finds Corbrine and deactivates the bomb

When Ajax tries and Squeeze more Money out of Lord Bathrobe, he gets even more Huffy, and so Ajax Turns face more times than the Big Show! Helper Teleports to give Denz his Sword back to kill some Extras and Beats up Novak like a little Bitch!

So his Brag of killing 2000 of his kind now feels like bragging about killing a box of kittens if he is easily one shot by a Middle-aged Man with Broken Ribs!

The Pirates are Captured by the Coalition and made to talk, But Novak refuses and Requests his freedom via Trial By Combat. Zelus Exposists that Novak are a clone race bred as soldiers who Use Mass Slaughter to prove worthy of a leader-The fact that Novak has not Committed Ritual Suicide proves Ajax is still alive.

The Rebels Returns to Haven and Reystara is Knocked by Ajax doing her 1000th Betrayal in this film. Waking up Corbrine Shows Reystara to a cave where inside they show her the thing they are all fighting for- Pure Mana, a literal Final Fantasy Life Stream in a Cave. If the Coalition gets all this, all life is forfeit. 

Now to Tack on more Lore.

So All this Time, Reystara had Necklace made of Pure Mana, Which Corbrine calls a Traveler's Trinket, It can share a Memory and it can be seen as a video and Lo and Behold, they Recreate Leia's Message to Obi Wan, They even put an Actress in a Composite Costume of all the Costumes and Hair Styles Carrie Fisher Wore! And It's Solely Here to tie up loose Ends!

Denz Teleports behind Zelus to Ambush him, but the reentry causes him to Collapse, So Zelus Refuses to fight him, so instead blasts Haven's Abandoned Warehouse District with his Drones! 

Reystara and Corbrine who were knocked out by the Blast, wake to Smoke alarms, the Humans stagger to safety while Helper says she will hold off any intruders!

Zelus and Denz are ready to Fight, But Lord Bathrobe fires a Tractor Beam as Denz as  Zelus is returned to the Ship, where all our heroes have being captured off-screen! Reystara calls Zelus a Murderer who...Force Chokes her....BECAUSE WHY NOT?, LETS JUST STEAL EVERYTHING!

Lord Bathrobe gloats how very Smart and Very Evil he is as Zelus Force chokes Haven's Security codes out of Corbrine. As the Coalition starts extracting the core out of Haven.

So Lets Wrap this up!

Corbrine is Put in the Brig with the Pirates, Denz is Put in his Hypersleep pod where his protests wakes up a knocked out Ajax. Helper frees the prisoners and Reystara for one final attack. Because of all the Mana Ajax stole, Denz can boost his weapons, he teleports as Zelus goes to kill Reystara, but it's her who kills him as she shoots him through an airlock. Lord Bathrobe confesses to the Murder of his wife, So to his daughter, which he vows to kill like any other rebel. Rip-off X-wings blasts Generic 3d Spaceships (X-wings they shouldn't Have because they are supposed to be Farmers and Orphans!) The Core of the planet has Entered Space, But a Spaceship at Ramming speed can put the core back in place. Denz Volunteers to crash the Freighter into the Mana, But Since Helper is not Human, she has no qualms about sacrificing her non existent life.

And So the film ends with our Heroes with Our heroes Posing and vowing to take Down the Coalition as Ships and Meteors crash behind them.

"WE DID IT! WE SAVED HAVEN!"

As it turns out Zelus Is Shown to be Still alive in some Sequel Bait!

THIS IS A FILM BY THE ASYLUM! OF COURSE IT SUCKS!

Noone Actors! Free Use sfx! A Script stolen by a much better film! How do these Clowns Keep getting Away with this shit? But the Real Annoyance is That some characters have informed attributes, Zelus claims that Reystara has a sense of Humour that he is Victim of, well, Show us! Have her make Puns and one liners and snappy comebacks to the Enemies. Novak Is a from a Culture breed for Combat, whose Culture contains Unyielding Fealty and Ritual Slaughter of weaker Clones. Expand on that! But No, it's a 1 hour film, and the Asylum needs to film 5 more ripoffs before the day is over!

CREDITS

Battlestar Wars was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER -@REALENLI)

with Media from;

Battlestar Wars

Spongebob

The Spoony Experiment

Breaking Bad.

Battlestar Wars was created by the Asylum (And i use the term Created Loosely!) All Rights Reserved all Media used Belong to there Respective owners!

NEXT MONTH...

It is the Traditional Post-Halloween Pre-Christmas Dump! Where Tv Stations throw up there Hands and show Non-Christmas Family films that could be Unintentional Nightmare Fuel! Like my next review!-CLIFFORD THE BIG RED CGI MONSTROSITY....I MEAN DOG! 

Eamonn Reviews Badland: Road To Fury (known as Young Ones in America)

I'll Level with you, I never heard of this film. And I'm Sure Many haven't.

So I was planning to Fill out this review with Storyline elements for a game of Two Halves and No Quarter. I HAD NO HOPE FOR THIS FILM I JUST FOUND IN A BARGAIN BIN! 

HOW WRONG WAS I?

....Well you'll find out as you progress onward and downward, as we cross the Badland!

 ....and to the right of this desert, overlooked by a Moon so big, Linkara is foaming at the Mouth, Paul WS Anderson is Filming his wife MULTIPASS! IN THE SHITTY MONSTER HUNTER FILM NOONE WANTED!

We are off to a Bad Start, the Menu screen for the dvd doesn't even have BGM, Signature are not a big studio, but still!

And it's Just as Bare Bones the first five minutes, as it's a Soundless Credit Roll. Black Screen and tiny White Time New Roman Text!

We Truly Open to Stock Desert Footage. The World has being Plunged into Drought and a water Crisis and now Society has Crumbled, we cut 2 men in robes breaking into a Out-Building. 

The Owner of said Building is Ernest Hoult. (Michael Shannon) shoots one of the water-thieves trying to get into the well. the second feign's sadness, even pissing himself, before turning to shoot Ernest, But Dies. the Noise Alerting a Young Mailman with a Donkey who offers help.

Turns out the Mailman is in fact Ernest son, Jerome (Kodi Smit-McPhee), and Ernest is not Fond of him referred to as anything but "Dad" . In the Distant Future, there is still one thing you can rely on! One Constant-EXPOSISTION FM- BROADCASTING PLOTLINES, EVEN IN THE END TIMES!

The Us Government has agreed to Start Re-Drilling in the Western States for water, Just as Ernest's Well gives up the Ghost, But The Government Ran Pipeline is more of A protection Racket than a Service!

So in No Uncertain Terms, The Government are Screwing over smaller farmers for big Corporations, Ernest is also hinted as being a secret Drunk, as Caleb the Foreman makes a comment about how much "Ernest Hates Being Dry"

Matters Become Worse when the Donkey Trips and becomes lame and Ernest has no qualms with Putting a Bullet in the animal as Jerome hides and cries. Ernest not that heartless as he tell Jerome, never to be ashamed to cry if you have to.

Ernest has a Daughter too, named Mary (Elle Fanning) who works as a Waitress prepping Sludge like food rations and they don't get along. She sees him as the reason Mom is the Hospital. They Discuss going to Visit her but Mary sneaks out and leaves via a mystery man's Motorbike!

The Next day the Holt Boys are at a Machine Auction. The Budget of this film has gone into Making Life-Sized CGI of Lego Technic Sets. Including The Mech that will be auctioned off, a Crawler with a Carrying Basket on 4 Pneumatic Legs that give it a Canine Like walk and mannerisms. The Holts Win the Machine in a bidding war against the Son of the Local Gambling Magnate/Mayor, Fleming Lever (Nicolas Hoult) who takes the loss by Pouting at Ernest, AGGRESSIVELY!

They Visit there Wife and Mother at Hospital in Rehab for Broken Legs. She has Prosthetic Limbs over her real Legs and Is Made to stand and walk via a network of Overhanging wires. After Visiting her, they refuel at a gas station, Trying to avoid a freeloading family using their newborn to beg. Ernest only intervenes when he learns that Robbie, the father tried to sell his Baby for Water! Ernest over hears a conversation of Robbie and Jerome, Robbie quoting the sexual Conquest of his Sister by Mary's new boyfriend, ("She Tastes like Lemon, but smells like Shit!")

That is not Why it's called Cloudy Lemonade!

As Mary paints her toenails in the next scene, Fleming comes to talk to Ernest. Actually it's to call the farmer a cheat and to take back "his" Machine. He'll Let Him Rent "His" Machine. Ernest tells him he won fair and Square, Flem can use his machine for free, just radio in a day in advance. Flem tells Ernest to Screw his Bleeding Heart. It was that reason his wive's legs were broken by the Water-men.

Down on his luck, Ernest has no Choice but to work for the same men who did him wrong, to make sure his land is irrigated, so he turns his well into an elk trap. He play-fights with his son, and tells him he has arranged a girl for him, a girl in the city, with ears Sticking  out of long Chestnut hair. he also says How proud he is of his son and how worried he is for his daughter!

FORESHADOWING!

Mary is being Turned against his Father by Fleming, Angry, Ernest hammers Mary's Window shut to keep her in the house. He should have kept a few nails to fix a board onto his shed, because, his Mech gets Stolen.

Talking to Fleming's Father Sam, a Former farmer who now makes more Money hosting Pigeon Races, tells Ernest his son sees being a farmer from Scratch as a mugs Game, and in the end, water, wealth, land, it's all really about Power! He tells his friend and rival that he was heading to the Mountains, claiming the Waterworks have Supply lines there. (We are told early that's not the case. The Watermen Deliver Supplies at a trading Post.)

Ernest sneaks to the mountains to Attack Fleming, only to be ambushed by The water-men. They think Ernest, using the mech that had being Branded with his name and Address, had returned alone to steal more supplies. Caleb and Ernest have a fight, Caleb losing his Switchblade, with his name on it into Ernest's shirt pocket in the tussle. Leaving, Ernest finding his mech, and Flem, Pouting in his sleep. The next Morning Flem, tied up and his Mecha are marched back to the waterworks to settle with Caleb. With no water, but only Vodka to drink. Ernest makes some bad decisions that will spell his end, first he unties Flem, then he reveals he found Caleb's knife on him. Then Flem Starts talking Shit about Mary. ("You only have Mary Around to Cook and Sew. Give her to me and she'll do more than that!") Fleming takes a swing at the drunk but you don't have to see straight to shoot at Point blank Range!

Waking from his Drunk Stuper, The farmer sees a Bloodied and Pissed off Fleming towering over him. Setting up the tied down man as Bottle after Bottle is poured down his throat, Screaming over the screams given by Ernest. Fleming later drives Mary away but Jerome sees a bottle of vodka rations with his father's name on it in his Jacket pocket. Jerome goes to the Waterworks with Supplies as a peace offering, where Caleb, usually Brash and Uncouth, tell Jerome the sad news, there has being an accident involving his Father and his mech

The entire town is shocked to learn of Ernest's death, Now Flem can make his move on Mary! Jerome takes a hammer to destroy the Mech (in a nice touch the air leaving the Pneumatic legs sound like a dog's whimper!), Flem has wormed his way into the Family, and it get's worse. Mary is now Pregnant!

Using Caleb's Flick Knife as Collateral, Fleming Blackmails The Watermen to make them Redirect the Supply through Holt Farm's New Well, As a Gift to the community and a tribute to their Fallen Friend, of Course (!)

Soon, the Fields regrow fresh and green, then blossom into Golden Wheat! Soon Mary marries the Murderer, But his conscience stings every time he sees Knifes and vodka.

But soon Sam Arrives to tell his son, Ernest has had the last laugh: the bank had foreclosed the land for years and now it's profitable, the bank is now interested. So Flem does the unspeakable, he tricks Robbie into stealing the mech to sell and split the money, use said mech as a pram, sell the Freeloader's Baby in lieu of his own to pay off the bank, and Robbie gets shot dead when he realizes it's not the mech that's being sold.

However after the biker gang uses the mech as target practice,  the reason Jerome can destroy the Shadow is that if the Mech gets damaged. It's warranty program will make it return to the address of it's dealership.

The Auctioneer calls to inquire about the Mech, and Jerome starts out to cross state lines, which he can't on his own at age 14.

Luckily he happens across the girl he was promised to, a chicken farmer named Anna, who smuggled him across the border.

So going to the dealership, Jerome learns that the Mech Records EVERYTHING, the murder, the blackmail, The Baby Sale. Jerome is distraught about what he learnt but telling Mary the truth will destroy her. So he just wipes the Mech's memory. He does plan on making Flem stew In his juices. But Fleming Is too slippery for the Honest farmboy, so he plays him at his own game, a Blackmail letter "From Robbie"

So let's finish this!

Paranoid about his power slipping away, Flem has fallen for Jerome's trap, he falls into a pitfall, breaking his legs, with Jerome standing over him. He pleads as Jerome says nothing, he knows dead or alive, In some way he will hurt Mary and the baby and he cries, but once again, Flem can't stop talking, and him calling Jerome "a good boy" repeatedly in a condescending tone, and it causes Jerome to shoot Fleming Dead, and it with that, Jerome returns telling Mary nothing about what he did...A secret he'll keep forever as he erases the Shadow's memory a second time!

THIS FILM IS SUPERB

Forget that this film was shot at a budget, Forget it was Shot in a Desert to save money, Forget Nicolas Hoult is as Physically Imposing as a barking Chihuahua, This Film is Superbly cast and Acted, and Curse my own Artistic Bias for thinking this would be a one-and Done review, just because i found it in a Bargain Bin. This was a good Post Modern Western. and Not all Westerns have to be Horses and Genocide, Good Westerns are like the Good Sci-Fi, They are Human Stories! The Searchers, There will be Blood, True Grit, The Grapes of Wrath, and Now this. Stories of Hardship and Hope and Conniving Villains and The Grit and Urge to Survive. That makes a good western. and overall a good film. This film receives a lot of 3 stars and Above Average ratings but really this film needs more love!

CREDITS

BADLAND: ROAD TO FURY (known as Young Ones in America) was reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli)

With Media from

Badlands Road to Fury

MST3K

Badland: Road to Fury was Produced by Signature Films

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. All media used belong to there respective owners.

NEXT MONTH ON BOGGERBOXOFFICE!

THE EMOTIONS IN THIS FILM ARE RAW! IT'S RAAAAAAAAWWWWWW! IT'S FUCKING RAW! WHO MANY GORDON RAMSEY MEMES CAN I FIT INTO MY REVIEW OF BRADLEY COOPER'S BURNT?

Eamonn Continues to probe Men in Black International

 (PREVIOUSLY ON MEN IN BLACK 4....JUST WATCH MEN IN BLACK 1, ITS THE SAME FILM EXCEPT THE BLACK MAN IS NOW A BLACK WOMAN!)

H and M go to the Safehouse that Holds the Chess People. The Newly Christened "Pawny", played with Typical Annoying Fashion by Ken Jeung- Gives a sarcastic answer to why his race has being wiped out!)

Trust me, the character is so Annoying You wish M and H would finish the job! A pawn is useless without queen, so Pawny Histrionically Threatens to off himself.  Meanwhile Everyone who just watched this films action grind to a halt because of this universe's answer to Jar-Jar Binks just want him to...

H had pickpocketed the Stone from M's Pocket and wants to know what it is, So does MIB, Who arrive with a blockade of 5 armoured cars and 20 agents. C is planning a coup and High-T is being scapegoated. However,  High-T has warned M and H to escape. Whatever the jewel really is, Fungus was too afraid to trust MIB with it!

H draws away the traitors as M escapes with the stone, as the Dynand Return. H " Borrows" Hassar's Space Bike, as Hassar gives M a flask of water for the desert. Keep in mind Beard is nowhere to be seen, as the agents speed around uninterested Extras. Jumping over the agents they Hyperdrive into the Sahara desert, the rock reacting to sand as it reveals itself to be a shrunken Blue Dwarf Star in a crucible. 

Blue Dwarf Stars are real. And really powerful. To put it into Context, the smallest Blue star In our universe, R136a1 has a solar radius of 26 Suns using our Sun as the unit of measurement.

No wonder fungus was scared. A power source lowballed at 26 Suns, it nothing to be sniffed at....so anyway, H and M shoots off a low setting blast powered by the Blue Star for funsies, and cause a trench where the Sahara use to be!

After the failed coup, High-T dismisses C. M tells H that Fungus gave her the blue Giant Star, Because H sensed that H had changed since Paris. M calls out H on his arrogance.

BUT NEVERMIND FINALLY REVEALING WHAT HAPPENED!

Beard, who was hiding in the flask, Steals the Blue Star and escapes on Jetpack, telling the agents that "She" will pay nicely when "She" arrives.

The She in Question, is of course the Aforementioned Riza, who is revealed to be a murderer, as well as an arm's dealer. H reveals that he was on the trail to arrest Riza But Something Changed. He fell in love, but M knows that, why did M team with H off the Bat?

BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO USE YOU AS A STEPPING STONE TO BE A TOP AGENT WITHOUT BEING ON PROBATION LONGER THAN SHE WANTED!

But no, turns out calling her Martha Jones to his Doctor Who was right. We have gone into the realms of Self-Insert Romance Fanfiction that we might as well call it Code Lyoko Evolution!

With the Bike fixed, The Agents hit Riza"s Fortress on Earth, Naples. 

We Finally see Rebecca Ferguson's Riza and PPFFFFTTTT,!!!!!!!

THAT'S!? What we're building up to? Someone with Giraffe Neck who looks like a Cougar who dyed her hair to pick up Young Men at the Alt Club?. She is a gorgeous woman IRL, but this wig and Nightgown patterned dress, coupled with her long neck bones and crow's feet, makes her look like Mutton Dressed as Lamb! Couldn't they just have made her CGI?

As M climbs the cliffs of Naples, H sweet talks the despot as her Bodyguard, Luca who is a full grown Transulent, looks on. (PLOT POINT?) Riza doesn't fall for it but does confirm that she has the Blue Giant Star.

H dispatches the Human Guards, Deactivates the security system as M and Pawny infiltrate the island, as Riza tries to sell the star. Riza finds m and fights her, as H fights Luca. Riza's species has a third arm and M ties her up in a bookcase and gym Equipment, before knocking her out. H is not so lucky as The Transulent hands him his ass!, But I'm a twist everyone saw coming, the hulking beast is indeed the small teddy bear like creature M saved as a little girl.

Turns Out The Phrase Luca said before he left was a blood oath, and that's all it took for Luca to have a face turn. And Riza, the most Feared Arms Dealer in the Universe, to fold like a Kleenex!

Do You Know what Riza Really Needs?

An Island Fortress filled with Alien Weapons!

The Dynand Twins Attack the Agents, Who are Destroyed by High-T'S Electro-Gun. But Not before Saying they will protect their Planet. And so the Earth is saved, but something isn't right. The Dyands said they wanted the Blue Star to "save their planet", A Planet under Hive Control, then High-T arrives with a weapon specifically for killing Gaseous Beings. H checks the File for The Dyand species...only it's now erased by someone higher up! Even C has worked it out! M's Compass, yeah it had a tracking device, which is why High-T, who is no longer a field agent, just happened to be in Naples! And Now the Blue Giant Star is Missing and High T is going to Paris!

So Let's Wrap this up!

The Hive Invade Paris, And It's Revealed that the Invasion did not get Thwarted, In fact H had is memory wiped, Because he could never go into detail on how he defeated the Hive. Because High-T is Dead!

His Body Assimilated into the Hive as a sleeper Agent, Biding their time til the Blue Star was on Earth. With the Dynand planning to turn on them, the Hive had to Reveal themselves, But with the Bluestar powering the Portal, all worlds can be Assimilated at once. M is thrown into the portal and the vastness of space. Until Pawny rescues her with his jet pack and Grappling Hook. H gets through to High -T long enough for Molly to use the Blue Giant Star to blast the hive to Kingdom come!

And So M is made Full Agent in New York and  H is made H is London. The Partnership is over-But at least they can have a Little Road Trip Solving Mysteries on the Downlow!

THIS FILM SUCKS!

Just like Ghostbusters 3, This is Nothing More than a mean-spirited Remake for the "Woke" Generation, Nothing as extreme as bringing back the original cast to tell the new cast how much they suck! Actually the Movie is like Power Rangers Megaforce and how that show was a failed Anniversary for that franchises 20 year anniversary: Buzzwords, catchphrases, scenes and Iconography of the Mib franchise, shoehorned in without explaining WHY! they are Iconic. Legacy Characters like Frank the Pug And the Coffee Worms get cameos and play no part in the Story. Even Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith are reduced to a 5 second Easter Egg. who had to pause your Dvd to see! Even Rip Torn's Z (RIP!) is not mentioned. As Mentioned constantly, the film is nothing more than the First film. Tessa Thompson is bland and one dimensional, Hemsworth chews scenery, Emma Thompson is wasted as just the exposistion character. And Riza looks like A granny in her frumpy dress and silver blue wig. The Mole storyline is good and Neeson keeps it afloat for a while But collapses by Every Grievance I mentioned. The production was Doomed from the start, because the Director and Producer argued on the content of the film, (It was pitched that the Dynand be 4 aliens that looked like the Beatles!) and it shows! Also i wish Pawny Died!

CREDITS

Men In Black 4 aka Men in Black International was Reviewed Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham

With Media From:

In Part 1

Men In Black 4

Spongebob SquarePants

Code Lyoko

Grand Theft Auto

Doctor Who

And Part 2

Men in Black

The Today Show 

Men in Black 4 is Produced By Columbia-Tristar and Property of Sony. All rights reserved. All Media used belong to their respective owners!

NEXT TIME ON BOGGERBOXOFFICE!

The Storyline Continues In August with the reviewer of Dora the Explorer: Live action Movie! But July contains Bastille Day, and you know what that means! More reviews of Code Lyoko as we edge closer to the Season 4 finale!

AND NOW THE FIRST CHAPTER OF A GAME OF TWO HALVES AND NO QUARTER

Chapter 1: The Gorgon!

On a Desert Planet, Sabaru's Camera Droid Floated over a Rock Formation Broadcasting "The Game" to every planet in the Universe. The game is particular? A Demon Hunt. To prove her dying species are on par with the Cosmic Entities who play with the Souls and fate of Men. Sabaru Formed a League of Souls of Heroes to do  Challenges and arrest quarries too dangerous for the So called gods to thwarted.

Part-Spectator Sport, Part Smear Campaign!

Eamonn and 3 other Galactic G-Men. A Bird-like Human, An Troll and an Elf, Descend their airship!

"Our Target is a Gorgon, Be very Careful, The lack of any rivers or reflective Surfaces will hinder you, so stay on your toes."

It was 6 hours walking and the Gorgon was always a step away. Soon the Blistering Heat of the Sun, Became the frigid heat-Vaccuum at night. The others returned to the Ship for warmth, but Eamonn could not return with a failed first Mission. He uncovered a cave filled with Statues of Amimals with parts removed and faces of shock or Fear on them. With their Stomachs Cracked or Limbs Removed, if they could be returned to live they would have perished on the spot!

In a Quarry like Pit, the Gorgon Sleeped on a Makeshift Bed of Peeled Furs. Naked Her Skin A Gangrenous Shade. Her Breast Torn out by Sharp Claws Possibly her own. Her Stomach well Toned and Pink-tinted like a Human, contrasting her Top Body and the legless form that tapered into a green Tail, which she was holding with her clawed hands. Her Hair of snakes Vibrated like a Hive on every movement of the creatures Breathing, Her Putrid Blue lips would pull back to reveal fangs and a forked tongue from time to time!

"Ok. Found you time to cal you in..." Said Eamonn, Threading on a mouse's Skull that Broke underfoot and echoed Loudly! 

The Breathing Stopped!

(Storyline continues in August!)

Eamonn Probes Men in Black 4 (AKA MIB INTERNATIONAL)

(STORYLINE WILL START IN PART 2)

I COULD NOT FIND THE EXACT IMAGE USED IN THE BOXART FOR THE BRITISH RELEASE OF THIS FILM SO MAKE DO WITH THE CLOSEST IMAGE I CAN FIND!

 ....Yeah, After Ghostbusters 3, Maybe Keep Liam Hemsworth Away from Columbia's Franchises, M'Kay?

THE BOXART IS BORING!

It's Tessa Thompson and Liam Hemsworth Standing in front of A Logo that has characters inserted in. Unfortunately, the size of the Stars in the foreground, the shape of the logo, and the blurriness of the White they used makes these characters uninteresting.

We Open with the Columbia Logo, animated to Put Sunglasses on to turn her torch in a Neuralizer, Because just like what we saw In Emoji Movie, enough money was thrown at this to fuck around with the logo!

We Open in Paris 2016, The Eiffel Tower is Really A beacon and Two MIB Agents (Liams Hemsworth and Neeson! have being assigned to the appending Disaster. The enemy is the Hive. A generic Omnivorous Incestoid species. Cutting off the flashback at the most exciting moment. We are put into...another flashback! one twenty years prior! In Brooklyn, New York, a Small Girl obsessed with space, wakes up hearing her Parent confront what was thought to be a wild animal...Except It wasn't. The agents Foreshadow that the Creature, A Transulent, Looks Cute but can quickly become Monsters. Not Bothering to check if the child is Asleep or if the creature is on site, Molly taken by the cute appearance of the alien, Hatches An Escape Plan, Before the creature leaves it says something in his language and Molly says it back to him, as he nods and smiles!

Present Day and Molly Is A Police Graduate, But Believes In Aliens Costing her jobs In FBI AND CIA, to the point she now works in a Call Centre. But It's a cover for her to track Aliens on the Call Centre's Dime. Molly Arrives at a Would be Crash Site Covered By a Construction Site. But Pigeons flying though the fence and disappearing Reveals it's a Hologram Covering up Aliens are real...and they reveal it by showing us the most Amateur Hour Costume Ever!

Seriously?

Is this Hollywood.....Or Ed Wood?

Tailing them in a taxi and wearing her own MIB Suit. Molly sneaks into MIB headquarters only to be Captured by New Controller O (Emma Thompson) Molly Pleads not to Neuralized but recruited instea...OH COME THE FUCK ON!

THIS IS THE PLOT TO THE FIRST MOVIE!

An African American Cop Stumbles into an Alien Conspiracy, is partnered with a white Veteran after a botched mission! IT'S THE FIRST MOVIE!

DID YOU THINK WE WERE STUPID?

Oh and to prove my Point O Gives A VERBATIM! speech Z gave Will Smith at this Juncture, even shovelling in Key Phrases "Scum Of the Universe" and " I look Dahm Good In Black!", Except M(olly) tuts over the Little Cricket, that small put overpowered Gun....Because Will Smith Used that Gun but she won't because this Film is Different to the 1st film, For all of you saying, defending this, "It's Similar, But Different!"

Well....

iT'S nOT tHe sAME, iT'S dIFFERENT! 
iT'S nOT tHE sAME, iT'S dIFFERENT!

So O sends Agent M to London, Where Agent H (Hemsworth) is breaking up an Alien Alcohol Smuggling Ring (And Getting Rat-Arsed From It in the process!) When he is attacked by his hosts when his identity is rumbled. In the Fight, He's Bitten by A 3 headed Snake and Dying of Venom, The Wife of the Gangster, a Humanoid that has 2 Tentacles instead of 2 Arms is about to cure her Husband who is also dying of being Envenomated, when Agent H tells her he'll do ANYTHING for the cure!

Sure Enough, H wakes up after A night of Tentacle Woman Love (12 RATED CHILDREN'S FILM!) As Molly Boards the Train that's really a Spaceship to Europe.

After making the Obvious Joke that the biggest Asshole in British Media an Alien, We Meet T (Neeson) now High-T. The Controller of MIB London Branch, So he's not Dead, but No Longer a Field Agent So my claim of "iT'S nOT tHE sAME, iT'S dIFFERENT!" Still stands!

After first day tomfoolery, M is gifted a Compass by High T to remind her Every Journey Starts with a single step.

And knowing this franchise, watch the compass really be a dwarf star or the Chosen One Golden Child to a race of Compass-People or some shit!

In Marrakesh (Because we never would have guessed without Belly-dancer Music Blaring in the background!) The power goes out and as a man fixes a fuse-box 2 cloud like aliens shock the man to death, Melting him into a puddle and Steal his Image, Oh look Aliens Kill a man and uses his image to blend in- LIKE THE FIRST FILM! But it's two Aliens because iT'S nOT tHE sAME fILM, iT'S dIFFERENT!

The twins Go to an Antique Store to request the aliens Being Harboured, Tiny Aliens who's armour and technology Pass as Chess Pieces. These are Assassins and they have being threatened to provide their Services.

Back in London, H has Sobered Up and returned to London Base. We Learn Gustav Eiffel was in fact a MIB agent and his Tower was a Beacon to guide Alien Refugees, Before it was hijacked by the Hive. Speaking Of H and T defeated the Hive years ago. So the Burnout Agent H is still treated as a Hotshot, to the annoyance of MIB''s Quartermaster, C. A Time Controlling Alien Agent uses her powers to slow and reverses his walking past her to check him out until she's scolded, She also has a Northern English Accent!

So the Prince of the Jaibati (as in Jeibated, the gamer term for Hoodwinked, like we were Hoodwinked that this was an original film!) A humanoid Whale Species that can sense Truth from Touch, Is coming to Earth to Party, So he needs a chaperone or Trade between the planets are in Jeopardy. And Surprise, but Not Really, He's the Target for the Chess People and the Cloud twins.

In An Ovivous Twist, the rookie is Straight Laced and the Mentor is a wild-card. M meets her new partner offically by waking him up. After all Banging a Kawaii Cthulu-girl Takes it out of you!

So M and H Meet Prince Fungus in a secret Club where it's implyed that It's full of Aliens and Human Into Aliens....And it does Happen in the Extended Universe, like the Cartoon, But these are Human's going out of there way to Get STDS FROM ETS...which is completely crushes MIB mythos down a sinkhole! M has lied to H about knowing about the culture of Jaibati (Either M wants to prove herself by being teamed with the top agent and get off Probation early or M is likely gonna be written like she's the Martha to his Doctor Who!)

M and H get into an Argument about the lies they told each other (Basically , M did learn about Jaibati culture she would have known, that Females in front of the royals are treated as Gifted Concubines!) Fungus quickly Subdues himself to tell H something important, But H is too Busy Partying. Fungus grabs his hands to shake him but the glow from the tumors on his wrists startle him. The Cloud Twins Enter and Start Dancing...But them Dancing as they keep eye contact on Fungus Raises Red Flags One shoots a Bolt of Lighting that carries a small dart that Heatseeks Fungus and he collapses. He's Bundled into a car and it's less that an mile when the Car explodes and is launched 30 feet into the air, Trapping the Prince Inside. The Agents go to Arrest the Cloud Twins only for them to literally dance over the heroes. The MIB towncar is it's own Garrison, As pulling on Car Parts reveals Shelves of Guns and Ammunition held together by Hammerspace, Too Bad the twins are Cloud which means being Gaseous and incorporeal means that Bullets go through them. That when they use Heat and Magnetism to turn the metal around them into Liquid before forming it into a drill Bit to finish Fungus. Fungus in his dying Breath, Gives M an Amethyst, warning her that Something Evil Lurks in The Men in Black.

Backup Arrives, As soon as they do, the twins are Beamed onto a ship and it flies away. The Morning In the Office (Which has a Picture of Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones Fighting the Bugs-The ONLY Mention of the films before it!) The Cloud Creatures are officially the Dynand-A planet Under Hive Control-The Hive are like a combination of the Borg from Star Trek and The Kiratine from Doctor who- A Hivemind that Subjugates a Species from the cellular level and Shares out their abilities to their swollen numbers! Agent C, A bootlicker with a grudge against H, wants to Invoke ARTICLE 13!

NO WONDER FUNGUS DIDN'T TRUST MIB! THE BASTARDS WANT TO TAKE AWAY OUR MEMES!

Actually the Article is just as bad. It's a Mass Memory Wipe and firing.

But M (Not revealing the Crystal she obtained!) points out only a dozen agents knew Fungus was on Earth. There is a Mole in MIB!

High-T Now pairs M with C, AS the Quartermaster needs to arm agents with Weapons Capable of fighting Both Incorporeal and Virulent Beings. High T is sick with of H's Slacking off and Much Like what fungus said, H has Changed. M is off the Case...Not that he listens as he barges into C's R&D Department.

WHAT EVIL TRULY LURKS IN MIB? WHAT POWER DOES THE AMETHYST HOLD? WHAT ABOUT THE COMPASS?

ALL TO BE REVEALED NEXT WEDNESDAY (9/6/2021) ONLY ON BOGGERBOXOFFICE

Sky captain and the world of tomorrow review

(Previously on Bogger box office....
The world is under threat....a meteorite is hurdling towards Earth...And our only Hope, our Hero has being ended up in a Paradise planet....with a wife and Children?....meanwhile unabated the meteorite journey of destruction gets closer, and the Express Train to Hell crumbled in the mass of the rock SatanicOstrich is now free from Hell...which means that Earth is under threat by something more sinister!)

(We Cut to Casa Di Culchie, Where Joe-Jack is trying to man the Mission control for the Train to Hell....However this man can't even Open a door without the intrusions written on them...not helped by the him being illiterate)
Eamonn...come in!.....PLEASE YA GOTTA BE HERE.....WHERE R YA!.....WE CANT LOSE ANUDDER WAN!....
AW PUR MISSER EAMONN....
(Behind Joe-Jack and Mammie, a puff of smoke and a red flash of flame revealed a 8ft monstrosity of scales, feather, and pink lacey underwear!)

QUE PASA, BITCHES? WHERE THE FUCK IS MY TRAIN?

(Joe-Jack pointed to the monitor, the wreckage of the train bent over the curvature of the massive rock,)

MY BABY! WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU?
(Ostrich dropped to his knees sobbing, when Mammie came over and gave him an affectionate pat on his shoulder)
Don' Worry, Doggie, I'll give you a nice bowl o' meet fer ya afta dinna!
-SHE THINKS I'M AN ANIMAL?
-She's Auld and Not Well, Tellin' her that ye r da Divil will only mak' mattahs worsht!
-Well I don't know how they can get any better!

(AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!)

You know you can Laugh at Boom Boom Bay and his Explosion Fetish, You can mock Luke Besson, for casting Supermodels Less Emotive than the CGI And rubber suits in the same film.

But here is a rare Paradox in Sci-fi, a film at it most expensive and Frugal...as 3 oscar winner actors and a skeleton crew of extras were filmed entirely in front of a green screen, Speaking of colours, hope you like black, grey and Shit Brown, because this world was painted by an Emo's Pallet

And a Boring World is heralded By a Boring Cover, Jet Black with 3 small headshots of our mains, a Disinterested Jude Law, Gwyneth Paltrow holding a camera and looking like she just remembered she left the oven on at home and Pirate Angelina Jolie! at the Bottom of the title, a giant robot invades the city of....BLACK RECTANGLES! And it has a skull on the front of it!

We open in the Snowy November Skies above New York as the Hindenburg 3 Flies into Landing As an Old Man Conceals Vials Into his pockets.

The Man, A German Doctor  called Vargas Asks A bellboy to Deliver a Message and a parcel to a Dr Jennings, He speaks German But the Bellboy can read English and Vargas fears being followed, the Next Day Vargas is Missing, as reported by Polly Perkins

We Cut to Polly (Paltrow) in  her office at the Chronicle Newspaper, when she is given a pair of cryptic set of clues, A book On Newtonian Law and A cinema Ticket, A message Inside the Book Tells her to come alone!

Pollie's Motivation is your Typical Hard-Nosed Intrepid Reporter, who can't get any respect because she's (GASP!) A WOMAN!

So She Goes to the Cinema. the film is Wizard of Oz-IRONIC since we seem to be over the Rainbow and the colours left are brown, sepias and greys!

Polly meets the Aforementioned Dr Jennings, who tells her he was Part of a 7-man group who did experiments for the kaiser, but out of guilt Defected, Six Scientists are Missing from the group of seven, not counting the 7th man in front of Polly, and this so called Reporter is thick enough to ask "who's next to be kidnapped"
Polly....

bruh....

On  Cue, the Air Raid Sirens go off, But Jennings Gives her a name of the man involved and a blueprint of a robot. the Name- Doctor Kopf. New York are invaded by Robots that look like every Poundshop Robot ever-made. Wrecks havoc in Midtown, so the police call for Back-up: The Sky Captain (Law) Flies into view.

Bullets do Nothing, A grappling Winch Only puts Polly in danger, Only Detonating A mine and taking out a leg, does the Battation of robots retreat, It seems like Polly and the Sky captain know each other, we even learn his real name is Joe!

So This is not an Isolated Incident All players in the war have had Weapons and resources to make them stolen, Sky Captain returns to a Secret Island Base to Refuel. The destroyed Robot is sent to Dex, the q of this film, who has already made a laser!

So Polly has sneaked onto the Island, she and Joe were a couple, But split after Polly sabotaged his plane, causing him to be captured by the Chinese, because Polly suspected infidelity, she is is about to be thrown out until she hands him the blueprint.

Turns out the robot Attacks were not the first, the Sky Captain Corp has being keeping them a secret for 3 years, usually 1 robot every 6 months, each more sophisticated than the last. Polly's intel brings very little info on Dr Toten Kopf, except he has an Asian assistant and he ran a secret division called unit 11 and the skull logo on the robots matches the logo on his warehouse in Berlin, so that where we are going!

Checking on Doctor Jennings' Safety, Joe and Polly, break into his office when he doesn't answer. Jennings is a doctor of Molecular Minimization, in Layman's terms, Shrinking Big Shit and Growing Small Shit as evidenced by a tiny elephant in a bottle! Jennings Stumbles out, as Joe Finds the doctor's attacker, But stops in his tracks when the Attacker reveals to be....(GASP!) A WOMAN!

Joe's Sudden Chivalry earns him a Karate Chop from Kopf's Asian Assistant, She escapes and Jennings Dies (Don't Worry he Gets Better!) He Hands Polly the Capsules Vargas Gave him, Which she pockets without Sky Captain Knowing!) The Secret Island is Attacked, with Polly arguing that she should join Joe. Polly is a Backseat Flier, in a sad attempt of Levity, Dex has has found the location of the Source of the signal but gets captured!

To Avoid being Blown into the Atlantic, Sky Captain's plane can become a sub....Except last scene a window was shot out so you should be drowning right now!

Returning to base It's being overrun by Robots. With Dex Gone they retreat. Polly finds a stick of Gum and a laser erected against a stone pointing up. At the underside of a girder, Stuck on By Gum is an Atlas Page on Nepal. That must be some sticky-AF Gum to stay there for 2 hours!

On the Long Flight to Nepal, Polly goes Through Jennings Briefcase he was holding when they met, they find Photos of Kopf and a Logbook of every Stolen Resource So far

Landing in Tibet, They Meet Kaji, Joe's Old RAF friend Played by Omid Dwadji, Polly tells Joe she doesn't trust this Muslim man she just meet.

DID YOU KNOW THIS FILM CAME OUT IN 2001?

That Night Kaji tells Joe the signal is being Transmitted from a taboo place...Shangra-La!

With Kaji as his Sherpa, they find Shangra-La, but instead of Verdant fields they find a Futuristic Dome, and an abandoned Mine.

Amidst The Frozen Machinery and Quickly abandoned Living Quarters, Joe Finds a Geiger Counter and switches it on, Finding the whole Mine is contaminated with Uranium....they then realize that Polly is missing so she has to be rescued, because she's (GASP!) A WOMAN!

The kidnappers are after the vials, that Polly pocketed without Joe knowing, after getting them, Joe and Polly are trapped in a vault.

After Bickering, they are rescued by Kaji, but the vault is filled with Dynamite as it explode they dodge a fake green screen explosion that would make Mortal Kombat ANNIHILATION, Proud! Knocked out in the snow, Kopf's Hot Asian Assassin, steals the Vials.

Because they have written themselves into a corner, the heroes wake up naked in Bed with each other, they have being rescued by the people of Shangra-La, or what's left of them. most had being captured by Kopf and made to work in the mine til they died, The heroes clothes were irradiated, so the men are given....exactly the same clothes they had, except Polly who also got a new haircut as well! The only Survivor weak and cancer ridden gives Sky Captain a staff and the Instructions to "Follow Rana" In Return the Survivor wishes for one thing-His Death!

Leaving Kaji, the Staff is actually an Astrolabe, A device for Gaining Direction Under Stars. Assuming "Rana" is the North Star and using the Current Date and his Navigator's Journal...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3fVj8A-K8E
He Determines that the Co-ordinates Lead to....Nowhere!

 Worse Still, his plane is running on empty, but they are close to a RAF refuelling Station, Manned (and i use the term loosely!) By Frankie Cook, You'll get that joke in a minute.

The Outpost is a Flying Fortress, operated by Frankie (Angelina Jolie) So Polly spends all the time staring daggers into Joe For not saying Frankie was (GASP!) A WOMAN!

From Outta Nowhere, Robots Torpedo Onto the flying Fortress, British Reconnaissance have discovered an island equal to the Co-ordinates the Sky Captain was flying towards!

The Torpedo Docks on Kopfs Island is the Only access in, but the British captain has an Ace up her sleeve-the Amphibious Squadron-20 Pilots including herself in Planes that also turn into subs, they also have fishbowls over there heads over normal uniforms so Bam! No Compression

The Amphibious Squadron are attacked by a Giant Enemy Crab!

Quick, Attack It's Weak Point For Massive Damage, Frankie Jettisons her plane into the crab, but before Attacking, Frankie Jettisons her Jetpack to escape and that's all of Jolie's screen time!

The Island is Prehistoric ,as evidenced by the Diametra, MegaPhyton and Pterodactyls, But Polly has only one shot on her camera left! So turns out Polly did Sabotage Joe's Plane, But he really was a cheating Douche.

Venturing inside the Factory, We see why Jennings was targeted. Miniaturized Animals are being caged and transported into a rocket, Kopf is building an Arc after he plans to Level Society.

Sneaking around is not an option, when Polly's High Heels kicks a loose pebble that hits the Metal Grating Loudly, But are rescued by a flying car manned by Dex, Vargas and Jennings...somehow! He was dead but looks like he got better! They fly off to escape a Battalion of Robots!

We Learn what is in the Vials -"Adam and Eve"-Human Embryos for Kopf's Aryan Eden in Space, and When the Rocket Reaches 100ft the earth will be Incinerated! Kopf is too well guard No-one has seen him!

Dr. Vargas tries to Enter the Inner Sanctum only to be electrocuted to death by 2 Tesla Coils that form a hologram of Kopf's Face (AND YES THAT IS LAURENCE OLIVIER'S FACE AND VOICE!)

"I AM OZ, THE GREAT AND POWERFUL!"

Tearing Wires out of the generators, during a long-Winded Villain speech, The Heroes enter the chamber they find Dr Toten Kopf...Long dead!

WHAT A TWIST!

His plan was automated from the get go

Joe is told how to Disable the rocket, But he wants Polly of the Island, So he Kisses her...then knocks her out with a punch!

Looks like Sky Captain took relationship Advice from Chris Brown!

So Dex, Jennings, and another professor they didn't bother naming (PLAYED BY JUDE LAW'S DA!) , escape, only to see Polly is gone. Sky Captain attacks the Nameless Asian, Only for Polly to hit her with a staff to reveal she is a robot?

Why would A Nazi, make a Perfect Android....AND NOT MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A WHITE PERSON?

Y'KNOW WHO CARES? THE SOONER I FINISH THIS THE SOONER I CAN PICK THE HALLOWEEN SPECIAL!

After Polly punches Joe, they enter the rocket, wanting to save the animals, Polly presses the Emergency Release to free them, Cutting the Wife at the last minute, activates the rescue pods, Polly and Joe crash down, as the animals regain there natural sizes, In the amazing sight of a tropical Island with every animal on it. Polly wastes her last shot of her camera to take a picture of Joe...Only for him to tell this so-called ace reporter....she had the lens cap on, all the time!

(WAH-WAH SOUND EFFECT!)

OH POLLY!

YOU...WOMAN, YOU!

THIS FILM SUCKS!

This may be both the most visually and lierally dullest film I ever watch! The scenes are devoid of Colour, the acting and delivery of Modern Actors trying to act like those in the golden Age comes of as hokey, Not helped by the Stinted Dialogue, Sky Captain is An arrogant, smug Jackass, Jolie is basically a cameo, and Polly is just "HELP ME! I NEED RESCUING BY A BIG STRONG MAN, BECAUSE I'M A DUMB WOMAN!" How do you make a film about Giant robots. and shrink-rays and Shangra-La, and rockets, and bring Laurence Olivier Back from the dead...AND MAKE IT AS BORING AS SHOE SHOPPING?

CREDITS

Sky Captain And the World Of Tomorrow was reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli)

With Media

From:

Sky Captain and the World Of Tomorrow

That Mitchell and Webb Look

Command and Conquer

Dr Who

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow was Produced by Paramount. All rights reserved, All Media used belong to there respective owners!

NEXT MONTH ON BOGGERBOXOFFICE!

Stay tuned to my Twitter page @RealEnli, because i will announce the name of the Halloween special really soon!