(EAMONN'S LINES IN BLACK)
(JOE-JACK'S LINES IN BLUE)
(80'S LAD LINES IN ORANGE)
("SANTA"'S LINE IN RED)
(AN IRISH CITY CENTRE. THE FANTASY, ITS SNOWING.
THE REALITY, ITS RAINING MAKING THE SHOPPERS TENSION BREAK MORE THAN THE PAPER BAGS THAT CAN'T TAKE A DROP OF MOISTURE.)
(HOWEVER TRYING THEIR BEST TO RAISE SPIRITS OF SHOPPERS ARE OUR HEROES, CAROLING IN THE STREET.
Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat,
Please put a penny in the old man's hat.
If you don't have a penny,
A ha'penny will do.....
AND IF YA DON'T HAVE A PENNY, YOUS CAN GO FU-
Hey EAMONN-DUDE, Why you covering Culchie-Dude's mouth?
(sarcastically) AM I?
-YOU'RE STILL DOING IT!
So I Have!(eamonn releases a purple faced joe-jack from the headlock)
Whatever, man! I'm gonna check out some tunage at HMV!
Did 80's Lad say he was going to a music shop?
I Don't know wot ,e says arf da tiome!
We have to stop him. the shock may kill him!
(Our heroes find a shocked 80s Lad in a listening booth with a shocked look on his face. a passer by tells Eamonn that he was listening to Dirty bit by BEP, Flo Rida Spin me Round and Glee's 80's Album
IT'S SO HORRIBLE! SO HORRIBLE HOW CAN ANYONE CANNIBALISE GREAT SONGS LIKE THAT? YOU BASTARDS! BASTARDS!!!1!!
Calm down, 80's lad watch some TV!
(80's lad watches Jersey shore)
IT'S TRUE! MTV DOESN'T SHOW MUSIC! HAS THE WORLD GONE MAD? AAAAAARRRRGGGHH!!!
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
Merry Christmas everyone! Starting this year and from now on, December's entry into bogger box office will a celluloid coal lump in your stockings! this year we have a big start.
(This months theme-the only good thing from this film, Girls Aloud-jump http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rK7ZhB_m4gc&ob=av2e
Boy, is the film overdue a spanking, but at face value it shouldn't have been that offensive. Our old friend, Hugh Pervo Grant leads an all star cast(and the one from the yogurt ads.) Directed by Richard Curtis who directed four weddings and wrote The Boat That Rocked.
So you have 9 of Britain's biggest stars,a director that gets the best out of Grant, who wrote my favourite film.
How bad can it be?
(sigh)
Pretty bad!
So lets dig into Love Actually and see if it's any good!....Of course not! who's blog do you think your reading?
So the film starts in Heathrow Airport,as Hugh voiceovers that even in an age in a war
We cut to Bill Nighy in a recording studio.
Get use to this random Segueing as we don't have one storyline we have 10.
Storyline 1 sees nighy as Billie Mac, an ageing rock star that is butchering Love is all around. but its actually a new track called CHRISTMAS Is All Around!
In case its wasn't tacked on enough it's Christmas here in London. Colin Firth is late for work in Storyline 2,Liam Neeson in storyline 3 rings up Emma thompson who's daughter's Nativity play is Storyline 4. The wedding of Kiera Knightley's character is storyline 5. In Downing Street the new Prime Minister arrives in storyline 6, Hugh Grant.
WHAT A TERRIFYING CONCEPT! WHAT'S THE AGE OF CONSENT IN THIS FILMS UNIVERSE? 15? WHAT'S HIS POLICIES? UP WITH SKIRTS, DOWN WITH KNICKERS?
Anyway, his love interest (Martine McCutcheon) is storyline 7
Ah, Martine McCutcheon, the Reason this film tanked, everyone else involved has won Baftas and she doing ads for Yogurt. Abysmal Actress in Abysmal soap Eastenders, turned one-(s)hit wonder pop star, to Z-LIST Lad mag covergirl, to as mention spokes woman for a certain German Yogurt Brand.
Almost forgotten about is nude model,Julie(Joanne page) in storyline 8.
So the Film starts proper in storyline 5, where as after taking her vows Juliette(Knightley) See's her guests flash mob into a orchestra.
Now in 2, Jamie (Firth) returns to find his wife has cheated on him with his brother. Back at the wedding That Ginger Twat from My Family plays Colin who plans to go to America to Pull Birds in storyline 9.
Meanwhile the funeral of Neesons wife is the introduction proper in storyline 3. Meanwhile in an office building, Sarah (Laura Linney) confesses to Harry(Alan Rickman) that she is love with their boss. Harry is also having an affair with his secretary. so Office Affairs are storyline 10.
Back to storyline 1, Billy being interviewed by a DJ (Played by stand-up Marcus Brigstock) Billy's brutal honesty about his turd of a record, makes his manager very unhappy
Storyline 6 and PM Pervo Government is planning to welcome it's Daddy, the American President. A joke of who Hugh has to fuck for a cuppa, reveals McCutcheon as his P.A.
Ha, jokes on you, audience! if women evolved pedals, grant would ride them in seconds flat!
Back in 8, Julie is Discussing the Prime Minister....During a sex scene! is the act that bad that she would rather discuss politics? I know must women spare guys feelings by faking it!
10 and rickman has his secretary coming on to him.
3+4 intertwine as neeson and Karen (Thompson) help his son over the death his mother. So Karen tells Neeson to talk to his son who reveals he is in love with a girl from school.
10, and Sarah confronts her boss, but flakes.
2, and Jamie goes to France when his marriage breaks down and to work on his novel. In 7, PM Pervo is chatting up Natalie (McCutcheon)
Storyline 3 now as Neeson gives his 8-year son (Charlie Highmore) romance tips.
BBBBZZZT!
The Correct response is to say "go kick a ball, like every other boy your age!"
Back in 1, Billy Mac is on Cd:uk (remember that show?) and insults the boyband blue by Graffitizing "we have tiny dicks!" on their merch!
5 and Juliette wants the wedding video from the best man. the best is the porn director in the act museum that Julie works at.Clearly something good will come from this(!)
Storyline 10 and Harry's assistant recommends the Museum for their office party, flirting again with Snape.
Back at 2, Jamie has a new assistant that cannot speak English. The awkwardness is somewhat of a precursor to the King's Speech.
Back at Hugh Grant's Downing Street Love Palace, the U.S President has arrived and hits on Natalie , who is (supposed to look) shocked by this.
Yeah You Suck at This Whole Acting Thing, Dontcha, Martine?
At the Press Conference,PM Pervo tells the prez that Britain is not America's Bitch! To much fanfare by the press. Its revealed that Karen is Pervo's sister, who is married to harry.
This segues into THAT scene from this film.the scene of Hugh Dancing to Jump by the pointer sisters. its pointless and not funny.
Meanwhile in 2, Jamie is still running head first into the Language Barrier. When pages of his manuscript blow onto a lake, the assistant strips to her underwear to get them after they break down the barrier to talk about the book.
Back at 5. Juliette discovers the best man is in love with her.
Back at 6, David(Hugh) fires Nat to spare the feelings for her.
Feelings for her?
all during this film Natalie has being too thick to work that you like her!
Storyline 3 now and Neeson teaches his son about romance this segues to...a Scene from Titanic?
THANK YOU, SWEET JESUS! They must have burned titanic on to the disc by accident.
(Scene reveals itself to be Neeson and Highmore watching Titanic)
NONONONO!!!! GO BACK TO THE GOOD FILM! I WANT THE GOOD FILM AND NOT (crying) THIS PIECE OF SHIT!
Back in 2, Jamie returns to England. In 1, Billy's video is a ripoff of addicted to love. Highmore sees this and becomes a musician to impress the girl. Rickman is finally seduced in 10. Sarah finally beds her boss and its revealed Sarah has a suicidal brother. This is a ruse to make Linney's Character more likable.
IT DOESN'T WORK!
Storyline 4 and 10 and Harry is buying a necklace for his paramour, but Rowan Atkinson's viscosity in packing it only make Karen think the necklace is for her.
Some of the lesser storyline end. first Colin goes to America and pulls birds, Billy becomes number1, The nude models become an item,Jamie returns to France, Sarah and Carl sever all ties, and the best mans feeling remain unrequited.
P.M.Pervo gets a Christmas card from Natalie who promptly goes knocking on every door on her street, to find her.Driving to the Nativity in the Merged Climax, Ending Highmore performance by kissing on stage. Karen and Harry argue about the affair.
So the film ends with all the cast meeting at Heathrow.
Because this film has 10 storylines, i will be judging them separately.
THE BILLY MAC STORYLINE DIDN'T SUCK!
....Apart from Nighy singing! However, as the self deprecating aging rocker he was quite endearing.
THE JAMIE STORYLINE DIDNT SUCK!
Colin firth again gave a great performance as the heartbroken writer who found love again. the scenes where tender and the Fun With Subtitles from the Portuguese assistant was hilarious.
THE NEESON STORYLINE SUCKED!
If you thought it was a family learning to cope without a parent....wrong it was about Neeson teaching an 8-year about the birds and bees.
THE NATIVITY STORYLINE SUCKED!
...They Didn't go into why the Play had a nautical theme. But I can only guess it was Political Correctness Gone MAD!
THE WEDDING STORYLINE DID'NT SUCK!
I love the musical set piece of the congregation becoming an orchestra to play all you need is love.However it tanked by becoming a tale of unrequited love with that guy from teachers. However given it's shortness, it was unoffensive.
THE PM AND NATALIE STORYLINES SUCKED! AND SUCKED HARD!
As i said McCutcheon blew her chance to world stardom in this film. And the fact that Pervo got top billing this was the storyline.
THE NUDE MODELS STORYLINE SUCKED!
Not so much storyline as running commentary to what we just saw. Joanna Page isn't that attractive naked (though Your Mileage May Vary) and her voice is grating.
THE COLIN IN AMERICA STORYLINE SUCKED!
At least the other stories were about love and not lust. this story also had the most stereotypical dumb Yanks since Amy Adams went to Ireland in Leap Year: THE MOST RACIST FILM EVER MADE!
THE OFFICE AFFAIRS STORYLINE DIDN'T SUCK!
Thompson and Rickman have amazing chemistry, and though this film had a Downer ending. Staying together for the sake their children is more believable than the leader of Britian knocking on every door in London to find love interest oblivious to his advances.
So despite having 4 storyline that were great or funny,
THIS FILM SUCKS!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
NO REFUNDS!
(Later That Night, a figure in red magically appears in the Enlightened Towers' green room.this wakes up 80's Lad, who was waiting for Santa)
SANTA?
WHAT are you dyslexic or something?
("Santa" punches 80's with what looks like a wing, leaving a present for eamonn.)
A COPY OF SEX AND THE CITY 2 WITH THE MESSAGE WRITTEN IN BLOOD...
DO NOT OPEN TIL FEBRUARY 12TH!
CREDITS
Bogger box office Christmas review written, compiled and edited by Eamonn Bermingham.
with music by Girls aloud.
Love Actually is released by warner brothers
and Girls aloud link is courtesty of vevo.
All clips belong to their respected owners.
Follow me on youtube at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
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