Joe-jack reviews Constantine

(Since Joe-Jack is reviewing. as Poetic Licence, all spelling mistakes are intentional)
This months theme-"mysterious Ways" by U2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxDTUMLQJI&ob=av2e
(THE STORY SO FAR...
THE TICKET TO HELL EVENT IS OVER AND DESPITE THE OUTCOME OF THE BATTLE, A CASULTY. 80'S LAD, BBO'S RESIDENT TALKING HEAD, IS MISSING.
-Hey Eamonn
-Yes?
-Y'remember dat dis use t'be my blog?
-Yes?
'ow come you keep reviewin' filliums?
-It's not my fault! The Film lined up are one i've seen, remember or in my social circle of video games, comics and pro wrestling, i can make jokes off. Jokes, As a culchie you never touched water unless its mixed with yeast and hops, Would never get.
-C'mon one review in a while won't kill ya!
-Fine, You can have June.
-Sound! Wot I doin'?
-You're doing Constantine, a film Based on a comicbook
-AH SHITE!


(Days later as he is writting the review.)
HELLO SOFT CHAPS AGED 16-30! WHO WANTZ FILLIUMS BASED ON KOMIKAL BUKES?
I Don't have tiome t'read komik bukes. O'mi too busy BEING A MAN!
-Joe-Jack, did you wantz Spaggetti Hups wif ya chips?
NO MAMMY! I WANTZ ALPHABETTI SPAGETTHI!
....Okay maybe i was wrong to say ye are all Soft boyz for reading komikal bukes, as a lot of filliums in the past 10+ years. But while the major heroes outing are major hits...Any filliums of Minor charecters have being that...minor, No Matter who you have actin' in it.


Dis month we are looking at Constantine. It's here Oi'm readin' from a note Eamonn gave me.


John Constantine is the hero of British comic, Vertigo/Dc's comic, Hellblazer. John a punk-rock front man turned detective/demon hunter fights demonic forces as well as the crititisms of the ghosts of everyone he held dear. It started great enough with a balanced blend of horror and Btitish pop culture...then it got weird in crossover with Swamp thing as he need John to be a sperm donar...Despite that Hellblazer is a great choice of humour and horror.


So when ya make a film about an Englishman, hire an American actor t'play him!


So text at the films begining tells us abou' Da Spear of Destiny, Da McGuffin everyone is looking for. We start in Mexico in a burnt down chruch. A man finds da spear and listens to it. Mesmerized, Da man runs out to a open road. when he is run over by a car. However he survives.


Cut t'Los Angeles (SYMBOLISM!), A mother finds her daughter possessed. So after a priest fails to exorcise her. he calls in John Constantine(Reeves). Whose exorisin' method consists ov straddin' a teenage girl, burning her with a medalion and punching her. We cut t'John's drivah Chazz(played by Annoying Sidekick typecast Shia Labeof)John Traps the demon in a mirror and throws it out the window. John leaves but spies a picture of the spear by the girl.


Returning home, Constantine puts out his fag and lights a new one.I heard of chain-smokin' but this is ridicoulous.


We cut t'Rachael Weisz in comfession, she has just killed "another" man as her job as a cop. She also has a reaccuring dream that she is a mental patient that that kills herself. At the same time John wakes and voms blood.


It turns out that John has lung cancer but was saved 20 years ago. but continues to smoke.
(And the Darwin award goes to...)


It turns out that the dream that Angie(weisz) had was a premonition of her twin Isabella(also Weisz) commiting suicide from the roof of the same hospital John is in. Meanwhile the spear-holder literally jumps da border as its presences kills a whole field of CGI cows. Makin' these dyin' cows look realitik by komparsion!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r73_tUHjwmg


Johns to his Q, Leman that gives him his weapons. Buulets for his cruxifix shaped gun, holy water, A schreach-Beetle and a Dragon's breath flamethrower.


Cut to a chruch libary John and Angie meet but while Angie is arranging her sister's funeral, John has come to see Gabriel(twilda swindon). Da angel is not helpful speaking and acting more like a beareaucrat than as a confort.John has being hunting demons to get into Heaven but his cancer is terminal.


At her house, Angie gets prank calls on her phone. John gets attacked by a yoke completely made ov bugs. John goes t'Papa Midnight's, a bar fer magical creatures, t'use a Magical chair, while there he is confronted by da filliums bad guy- Belphazer, a Gay Steve Carrell lookalike....ooh scary!


Aftah sufferin' a coughin' spree, Angie tries t'hire John but he's such an ass that she walks away. But then a blackout summons demons but john uses his Dragon's breath to kill em.


Aftah investagating Isabella body da priest is cursed not be able t'drink causin' him t'go mad. He dies As Gay Not-Carrell looks on.


John exposistes on his life, how he sees things from an early age, How toppin' himself only made it worse, and how Angels and demons pull Humanites heart-strings.


Seachin' through Isabella's room they find a passage in the Satanic bible, speaking of da rise of Mammon, da divil's son. Naturally because in true Hellblazah fashion, a sidekick of constantine is killed for gettin' too close. and is eaten alive by incests.


Back to the Spear-holder, da Mexican steals a car
YAY RASCISM!
After Initating Angie in a ritual, She finds Belphezar's coin in Leman's office.
NOW IT'S ON!
Belphazer is beaten half t'death but tells john dat da blood ov christ on da spear will be used t'raise Mammon. Demonic forces take Angie. And John Returns t'Papa Midnight's t'use Da Chair.

Da Chair is an'Letric Chair used t'teleport John straight t'hell.Finding out dat da rebirth is at the hospital. Chazz bless the sprinkler water and john sets them off destroyin' da demons guards.

The spearbearer sends Angie to hell and mamon posseses her. but a failer exorcism instead impregnates her with Mammon. Chazz helps but is killed by gabriel who has turned on god as she thinks she can do his job better.
John summons da Divil who kills gabriel and mammon. but as soon as heswitches his souls with isabella to get to heaven. The divil's curses him with immortality. And the film ends wif John Givin' her the spear t'hide.

The real problem with this film is it's script One would be mistaken by some of it's wording that it is a sequel. It's not. It's just shitty writing despite its star power and legit scares, for its piss-pour script and lack of DVD EXTRAS IT GETS AN a-RATING
a fer awful.
Dis is John Jack da culchie saying
GET OFF MY LAND!
*GUNSHOT*

CREDITS
Constantine was written by, as Joe-Jack, compiled and edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With Footage and music
Crusha
Mysterious Ways by u2 couresty of Vevo
Hellblazer is property of Vertigo/DC Comics and Constantine is produced by Warner bros.
boggerbox office is not affliated with Crusha Drinks company.
Follow me at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment