(JOE-JACK IS REVIEWING THIS MONTH,SO AS POETIC LICENCE, ALL SPELLING MISTAKES ARE INTENTIONAL)
(EAMONN'S LINE IN BLACK)
(JOE-JACK REVIEW IN BLUE)
THE STORY SO FAR....
Eamonn must rue the day he reviewed Leap Year. A mysterious coma, a pitched battle in a supermarket ending with him gaining a superpower, the Hadou-Kara Punch. and an evil force with demons in its employ that will stop at nothing to gain the power...
...and it seems they are not above killing him to get his hands on it!
(Joe-Jack sees Eamonn hunched on the floor, crying)
Aw yer big gurlz blouse! why yer cryin'?
I CAN'T DO IT!
-Do wot?
I can't do two Barrymore films back to back....YOU DO IT!...Youre always your the film critic around here...Critique this film! I'm out of here!
So...Yah!
Oi'm doing dis review on MY blog, say d'yer know wot time it iz?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSwDq_x5p8
YAAAAOOOOW!
ITS HAPPY HOUR AGAIN, SO IT IS!
Today's fillium is proof dat not everything in vegas is cool like Elvis,magic shows and Tom Jones.
Sometimes dey make rom-coms wif Drunk-o an' Da Incredible Hulk in dem!
So lets dig intah Sucky you -i mean lucky you-sorry right da first tiome!
So the fillium starts in Skid Row-
-yes. yes we are.
-as Eric Bana's charector Huck entahs a pawn shop to sell a camara t'raise money t'entah a poker tourney. He also appraises his mothers ring
PLOT ITEM!
So Huck is a poker hustler as well has his dad Elsie (Robert Duvall). but it is elsie that had real success...at the expense ov his son.
so while watching a volleyball game, huck mets Billie(Drunk-o) and introduces himself by spliting her from her boyfriend.
Our hero, ladies and gentleman, a lying scumbag in a film genre where dey r cruxified!
...but her sister(debra messing) wards the hustler ov.
so huck wins a tournament but then his dad comes in and not only wins his sons winning but the redeem ticket for the ring.
next day huck asks money from friends but no joy.So he tricks billie to give him money and they hustle as she only has $19
So huck teaches billie poker, which also serves as exposition t'dose who don't play,Elsie comes in with Da New Wife, who rubs in da fact he now has the McGuffin.
next scene and for dose who barely survived music and lyrics in january will be sad to hear dat drew speds her screen-time singing in dis fillium too.
So more exposistion as huck tells Billie that elsie took everything his mother owned. ignoring fact that his own house is bare bar a bed for GETTING IT ON!
Next day and billie confronts Huck on stealing money(rather than filliuming it. and billie leaves vegas
HOOORRAY!
but she returns next scene.
Dahmmit!
After being misdrawn out of a qualifier, a friend gives up his spot.
To raise more money, huck and billie foolishly take a bet to play game of golf in 5 hours and in 80 strokes. but billies honesty cost him the bet.
so realising that hard work is the key,he sells the mcGuffin to elsie for chips and qualify
Tiome to put spuds on.
Billie returns to vegas, huck folds with aces and elsie loses outright, with a new sense of humidity,huck and Elsie play a friendly game. And huck and Billie kiss after regaining the McGuffin ring
Dis fillium isn't bad, just boring! Bana has all the emotion of a shop dummy and cameos of poker stars all give wooden performances.
IT DOESNT GET AN A RATING FER AWFUL, IT GETS A B-RATING FER BORING!
(An Air Raid siren sounds as a red mist covers the room Eamonn is in. A demon in the form of Drunk-o attacks eamonn but falls on its drunk face.)
"ow!"
-Hey drew how high is your blood alcohol level?
HADOU-KARA PUNCH!
(THE DRUNK DEMON BURNS ITS WAY BACK TO HELL!)
THE SAGA CONTINUES NEXT MONTH WITH RV-RUNAWAY VACATION.
Showing posts with label the crap films of drew barrymore. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the crap films of drew barrymore. Show all posts
Friday, July 1, 2011
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
The Crap films of drew barrymore:Eamonn reviews Donnie Darko
(The Story so far....
After reviewing Sex in the city,Eamonn tempted fate by saying that it was the worse film he ever seen.Only for a meteorite to deliver leap year. after watching the racist film, he passed out. last month was 3 tickets to hell, Eamonn returned to rare form, not only reviewing a 3 films but destroying a rent-a-cop with the Hadou-Kara Punch, a move from his xwa street fight.This got the attention from a mysterious figure whose future plans may hinge on Eamonn, ...whether he wants to or not!)
HELLO AND WELCOME BACK TO BOGGER BOX OFFICE!
(looks at watch)
say do you know what time it is?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSweDq_x5p8
YES IT'S HAPPY HOUR AGAIN!
Which means its time for crap review Drew Barrymore film, this review is a request from my friend, Rufus in kuwait, if you have a request for september give me a friend invite at my youtube address at the bottom of this review.
So the film is set in 1988.
Celine Dion represented Switzerland in Eurovision the concert to free Mandela hits Wembley Stadium and we were dancing to Cult of personality by living colour.
The Film starts with a shot of the emponymous Donnie (Jake Gynnenhal) lying on a road. While this may be confusing to everyone else, he seems to be used to it.During a family dinner the subject of Donnie's psycosis comes up.Turns out Donnie has not being taking his meds.
That night, a distorted voice leads donnie to sleepwalk out the house. the voice belongs to frank who tells donnie the world will end in 28 days.
the Next day and a plane engine crushes the Darko house.Donnie is treated as a school celebrity.And Drunko is introduced as a teacher.
"if i add one eighth to one sixteenth, how stoned would I be?"
a new student comes in,and becomes interested with donnie.
Donnie gets picked up from school by his dad. he nearly drives over an old woman. she whispers something into donnies ear. In class they watch a self-help video about controling fear. That night, Donnie dreams of a submerged school, so he takes an axe to a water pipe. Walking home he saves Gretchen from the only non-white children with makes them bullies.They threathen with knives because he thinks he did it.
The old woman that was nearly ran over by the Darkos was a former teacher nicknamed Grandma Death, whos psycosis is to check her mailbox over and over
Next scene and a pointless class exercise is enough to send Donnie into a raging rant about the human condition.
20 Days Remain.
And donnie asks his science teacher about time travel since Frank claims to be from the future.The Professer gives donnie a book by the woman who will become Grandma Death.
Reeling from this revalation he tells the shrink that she whispered "every living thing dies alone"
We get a trippy scene where liquid cgi leads donnie to a hidden gun.
12 DAYS REMAIN
Donnie wants to break free from Frank and stabs the rabbit. But he just won't die.The self-help guru in the class videos does a seminar in school, Donnie insults Jim saying people like him prey on people who cant think for themselves, next day he finds jims wallet and his house.
During Donnies date,Frank reveals that he is a boy with a bullet hole where is right eye should be. he tells Donnie to burn down Jim's House,
With the entire town at a talent show, the fire reveals a secret room that ousts Jim as a pedophile.
Six days remain and Drew gets fired for her radical thinking. i dont know she was in this film for a minute.
the coach wants donnie mother to go a plane because her daughter run the talent show.
So let's wrap this up!
Donnie throws a Halloween party,Frank tells donnie to go Grandma Deaths house. The Token Mexicans Jump Them. A car driven by Present Day Frank scares the Fajita Brothers but kills Gretchen, Donnie kills Frank. A donnie goes back in time by killing frank to the time of the accident, where the jet engine, from his mothers plane in the future went back in time too. but this time to kill Donnie who didnt sleepwalk this time.
So Donnie destiny was never to expose the peado, he was to die in a over elarobate revenge scheme by a guy in a rabbit suit who can travel in time involving a Jet engine!
WHAT DID I JUST WATCH?
Seriously what the Hell? Despite the goofy stuff this was a great film but the ending was a downer
(Eamonn goes to get a drink but is met by Frank from this film)
11 months 29 Days
-WHAT?
Have you seen a little girl? black hair and about this high?...
YOU WILL IN 11 MONTHS
If want to request a film to review please drop me a line at my youtube channel http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
I have a opening for September and would like to hear your suggestions.
After reviewing Sex in the city,Eamonn tempted fate by saying that it was the worse film he ever seen.Only for a meteorite to deliver leap year. after watching the racist film, he passed out. last month was 3 tickets to hell, Eamonn returned to rare form, not only reviewing a 3 films but destroying a rent-a-cop with the Hadou-Kara Punch, a move from his xwa street fight.This got the attention from a mysterious figure whose future plans may hinge on Eamonn, ...whether he wants to or not!)
HELLO AND WELCOME BACK TO BOGGER BOX OFFICE!
(looks at watch)
say do you know what time it is?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSweDq_x5p8
YES IT'S HAPPY HOUR AGAIN!
Which means its time for crap review Drew Barrymore film, this review is a request from my friend, Rufus in kuwait, if you have a request for september give me a friend invite at my youtube address at the bottom of this review.
So the film is set in 1988.
Celine Dion represented Switzerland in Eurovision the concert to free Mandela hits Wembley Stadium and we were dancing to Cult of personality by living colour.
The Film starts with a shot of the emponymous Donnie (Jake Gynnenhal) lying on a road. While this may be confusing to everyone else, he seems to be used to it.During a family dinner the subject of Donnie's psycosis comes up.Turns out Donnie has not being taking his meds.
That night, a distorted voice leads donnie to sleepwalk out the house. the voice belongs to frank who tells donnie the world will end in 28 days.
the Next day and a plane engine crushes the Darko house.Donnie is treated as a school celebrity.And Drunko is introduced as a teacher.
"if i add one eighth to one sixteenth, how stoned would I be?"
a new student comes in,and becomes interested with donnie.
Donnie gets picked up from school by his dad. he nearly drives over an old woman. she whispers something into donnies ear. In class they watch a self-help video about controling fear. That night, Donnie dreams of a submerged school, so he takes an axe to a water pipe. Walking home he saves Gretchen from the only non-white children with makes them bullies.They threathen with knives because he thinks he did it.
The old woman that was nearly ran over by the Darkos was a former teacher nicknamed Grandma Death, whos psycosis is to check her mailbox over and over
Next scene and a pointless class exercise is enough to send Donnie into a raging rant about the human condition.
20 Days Remain.
And donnie asks his science teacher about time travel since Frank claims to be from the future.The Professer gives donnie a book by the woman who will become Grandma Death.
Reeling from this revalation he tells the shrink that she whispered "every living thing dies alone"
We get a trippy scene where liquid cgi leads donnie to a hidden gun.
12 DAYS REMAIN
Donnie wants to break free from Frank and stabs the rabbit. But he just won't die.The self-help guru in the class videos does a seminar in school, Donnie insults Jim saying people like him prey on people who cant think for themselves, next day he finds jims wallet and his house.
During Donnies date,Frank reveals that he is a boy with a bullet hole where is right eye should be. he tells Donnie to burn down Jim's House,
With the entire town at a talent show, the fire reveals a secret room that ousts Jim as a pedophile.
Six days remain and Drew gets fired for her radical thinking. i dont know she was in this film for a minute.
the coach wants donnie mother to go a plane because her daughter run the talent show.
So let's wrap this up!
Donnie throws a Halloween party,Frank tells donnie to go Grandma Deaths house. The Token Mexicans Jump Them. A car driven by Present Day Frank scares the Fajita Brothers but kills Gretchen, Donnie kills Frank. A donnie goes back in time by killing frank to the time of the accident, where the jet engine, from his mothers plane in the future went back in time too. but this time to kill Donnie who didnt sleepwalk this time.
So Donnie destiny was never to expose the peado, he was to die in a over elarobate revenge scheme by a guy in a rabbit suit who can travel in time involving a Jet engine!
WHAT DID I JUST WATCH?
Seriously what the Hell? Despite the goofy stuff this was a great film but the ending was a downer
(Eamonn goes to get a drink but is met by Frank from this film)
11 months 29 Days
-WHAT?
Have you seen a little girl? black hair and about this high?...
YOU WILL IN 11 MONTHS
If want to request a film to review please drop me a line at my youtube channel http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
I have a opening for September and would like to hear your suggestions.
Monday, January 10, 2011
music and lyrics
allo an happy new year t'ya. it's Joe-jack here fer da new year of bogger box office!
and welcome to a new feature, the Crap films of Drew Barrymore!
Drew barrymore's theme: happy hour (again) by the housemartins
http://www.youtube.com/watch?=MSweDq_x5p8
this munt drew teams with da worst actor in da world Hugh "pervo" Grant in a musical rom-com that will shatter yer ear-drums Music and lyrics!
Great i'm offically in hell.
so we are tortured with hugh grant singing in scene one, as hugh plays alex fletcher, a washed-up 80s pop star who is in a tv station for a audition for battle of the 80s has-beens, but turns out to be a program where no-one celebritys do stoopid tings fer money
Huh! must be itv-Eamonn!
So after rejecting ITV'S offer, he returns to his flat and meets his agent who has good news. cora corman the teen sensation wants alex to write a song for her. we also met Drunk-o, playing Sophie, a gardener.
Hey why not cast drew barrymore as a Gardener? drugs are expensive, she probably grew her own!
so they met cora or after other crap song i will call her not-Sharika!
so Not-Sharika hires Alex to write a song for her because shaking her arse down a camera lens will only get you so far!
so Alex hires a lyricist but it turns out Sophie is better at lyrics than the guy he payed for
so a professional is usurped by a common person?
Did Micheal Bay write this film?
if he did, what are the chances drew will get blown up in a big explosion?
so aftah that piece ov contrivince! alex hires his GARDENER as a lycricist!
Clearly Drew and Hugh as bought enough HOOKERS AND BLOW for all the writers!
Since this film is about washed up 80s icons, we have one in this fillium! Kirsty Ally plays rhonda, drew sister and owner of a diet food company
(digusted voice)
oh look she's an owner of a diet company. it's funny cause she's fat
HILARIOUS!
So when sophie tells her she met Alex, she gets her to his concert to met him.
so alex perfoms a rip-ov t' Careless Whisper, after the concert, alex performs a song with some of drew's lyrics, without her permission, and this enough to convince her that her drunken ramblings are lyrics!
at Breakfast, Alex explains that when his band, pop! broke up, his best friend became a superstar while he didn't. In kind Sophie tells Alex that her author ex-boyfriend stole her stories from a writing class and based a slutty charector on her when she fought back.
so they have completed the song and it sucks. but its good enuff for Not-Sharika t'take it.
At dinnah, Sophie see's her ex Sloan, and one Wacky escape later, Alex is in the ladies.
Yeah it's not the first time Hugh Grant has being seen in the Ladie's Jax!
Sophie is afraid of Sloan so she give a practice speech in da toilet but when she comes out she stammers and acts drunk.
yeah ACTS Drunk!
when Alex goes to defend her, Sloan starts a sissy-fight wif da othah sissy!
Our Villian ladies and Gentlemen, a plagerist who can't take a punch!
So Cora has got the song but has changed it to match her style, But Sophie angry that she did!
'Splain to me Eamonn!
Sophie and Alex was payed by Cora's management to write a song her. as the benefactor who paying you money,she has the right to change the song as she sees fit. it's called Creative Control and its nothing new!
So sophie tells Not-Sharika to stick it, but Cora is too stupid to take a hint. Alex berates Sophie for being naive saying the pop business uses people to forfill needs!
not da kind of thing to say if you just did the Nasty in the last scene!
So sophie writes da las' verse herself as a direct message to alex. sophie leaving open a health shop in florida!
it's da night of the concert and alex performs a new first verse directed at Sophie.
And in a replay of the opening song MTV-style factoids tell us that sophie and alex wrote more songs, cora got married for 3 hours, pop! reformed, sloan's fillium bombed and pop! was inducted in the Rock Hall of fame.
you know instead of filming dhose things!
this is what happens when the worst actor is paired with the worst actress in the world the result? DA WORST FILLIUM I'VE Reviewed in 17 months!
Charectors-terrible Story-terrible Premise-terrible Comedy-NONE WHATSOEVER!
IN SHORT THIS FILLIUM GETS AN A-RATING...FER AWFUL!
and welcome to a new feature, the Crap films of Drew Barrymore!
Drew barrymore's theme: happy hour (again) by the housemartins
http://www.youtube.com/watch?=MSweDq_x5p8
this munt drew teams with da worst actor in da world Hugh "pervo" Grant in a musical rom-com that will shatter yer ear-drums Music and lyrics!
Great i'm offically in hell.
so we are tortured with hugh grant singing in scene one, as hugh plays alex fletcher, a washed-up 80s pop star who is in a tv station for a audition for battle of the 80s has-beens, but turns out to be a program where no-one celebritys do stoopid tings fer money
Huh! must be itv-Eamonn!
So after rejecting ITV'S offer, he returns to his flat and meets his agent who has good news. cora corman the teen sensation wants alex to write a song for her. we also met Drunk-o, playing Sophie, a gardener.
Hey why not cast drew barrymore as a Gardener? drugs are expensive, she probably grew her own!
so they met cora or after other crap song i will call her not-Sharika!
so Not-Sharika hires Alex to write a song for her because shaking her arse down a camera lens will only get you so far!
so Alex hires a lyricist but it turns out Sophie is better at lyrics than the guy he payed for
so a professional is usurped by a common person?
Did Micheal Bay write this film?
if he did, what are the chances drew will get blown up in a big explosion?
so aftah that piece ov contrivince! alex hires his GARDENER as a lycricist!
Clearly Drew and Hugh as bought enough HOOKERS AND BLOW for all the writers!
Since this film is about washed up 80s icons, we have one in this fillium! Kirsty Ally plays rhonda, drew sister and owner of a diet food company
(digusted voice)
oh look she's an owner of a diet company. it's funny cause she's fat
HILARIOUS!
So when sophie tells her she met Alex, she gets her to his concert to met him.
so alex perfoms a rip-ov t' Careless Whisper, after the concert, alex performs a song with some of drew's lyrics, without her permission, and this enough to convince her that her drunken ramblings are lyrics!
at Breakfast, Alex explains that when his band, pop! broke up, his best friend became a superstar while he didn't. In kind Sophie tells Alex that her author ex-boyfriend stole her stories from a writing class and based a slutty charector on her when she fought back.
so they have completed the song and it sucks. but its good enuff for Not-Sharika t'take it.
At dinnah, Sophie see's her ex Sloan, and one Wacky escape later, Alex is in the ladies.
Yeah it's not the first time Hugh Grant has being seen in the Ladie's Jax!
Sophie is afraid of Sloan so she give a practice speech in da toilet but when she comes out she stammers and acts drunk.
yeah ACTS Drunk!
when Alex goes to defend her, Sloan starts a sissy-fight wif da othah sissy!
Our Villian ladies and Gentlemen, a plagerist who can't take a punch!
So Cora has got the song but has changed it to match her style, But Sophie angry that she did!
'Splain to me Eamonn!
Sophie and Alex was payed by Cora's management to write a song her. as the benefactor who paying you money,she has the right to change the song as she sees fit. it's called Creative Control and its nothing new!
So sophie tells Not-Sharika to stick it, but Cora is too stupid to take a hint. Alex berates Sophie for being naive saying the pop business uses people to forfill needs!
not da kind of thing to say if you just did the Nasty in the last scene!
So sophie writes da las' verse herself as a direct message to alex. sophie leaving open a health shop in florida!
it's da night of the concert and alex performs a new first verse directed at Sophie.
And in a replay of the opening song MTV-style factoids tell us that sophie and alex wrote more songs, cora got married for 3 hours, pop! reformed, sloan's fillium bombed and pop! was inducted in the Rock Hall of fame.
you know instead of filming dhose things!
this is what happens when the worst actor is paired with the worst actress in the world the result? DA WORST FILLIUM I'VE Reviewed in 17 months!
Charectors-terrible Story-terrible Premise-terrible Comedy-NONE WHATSOEVER!
IN SHORT THIS FILLIUM GETS AN A-RATING...FER AWFUL!
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