(EAMONN'S LINES IN BLACK)
(80'S LADS LINES IN ORANGE)
This months theme-night swimming by R.E.M
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ahJ6Kh8klM4
It's Summertime and you know what that means!
Beach trips and girls in bikinis
And if there was ever a film that does a disservice to that, it's Piranha DD, Which after that "FloorBurger" Fiasco was the last gasp for David Hasselhoff
-THE HOFF? AND SEXY BABES? DUUUUUUDDDDDDDEEEEE!
-Oh Hello Eighties Lad! Do you want to join in this road to 100 Review?
-Sure thing, Mang! I've done a lot here on Bogger Box Office, Remember when that Alternative me kidnapped me, Put me In Suspended Animation for a whole year, While a Living Computer Program tried to kill us all? Good Times, Baby, Good times!
We dive straight in, with found footage of Spring breaker is segued into a news report about the prequel, piranhas (and tits!) in 3D. The town of Victoria Falls, Florida has being abandoned.
We cut to the inside of the Producers Mind!
-No we don't it's an empty wall cavity devoid of intelligent lif-OH I GET IT! We are in Alabama as we see something in the water. Something with huge teeth, Something with 1 facial expression and a taste for young, nubile flesh.
THAT'S RIGHT! GARY BUSEY!
Busey is a farmer trying to find his cow in the water. After lighting the methane in the cows farts the heat hatches piranha eggs and they eat Busey and his friend as the Title card segues into...
TITSTITSTITSTITS....
-(SMACK!)
-not cool, Mang!
We cut to an ad for (I can't believe someone got paid to think of this!) The Big and Wet Waterpark (including a cameo by American Idol reject, Bikini Girl). The Plot, as miniscule as it is, is that this waterpark is reopening after the mother of the heroine, Maddie, died, But her stepfather a Slimy McSlimeball called Chett, has added a Adult Pool and replaced the Lifeguard with Models.
Only good can come from this! Later that night we introduced to characters who probably have names, but will only act on their base stereotypes of Heart-throb, Ass-hole,Slut, Comic Relief, Nerd, Stoner and Black Friend.
Only 3 will survive. And it won't be the last 1! Also Ass-hole is also the park's Rent-A-cop.
So Slut and Nerd separate from the others to skinny dip.
~Night Swimming/Deserves a Quiet Ni---AAAARRRGGGHHH! OH THE HUMANITY! WAIT! A False scare, Come On Dude! I wasted a good joke on this?
No, You don't have to, because Some Ill advised Sex Play has taken the handbrake of Stoner's van as He and Black Girl are plunged into the water. Which means only 1 thing!
BLACK PERSON DIES FIRST!
The next day, A reluctant Maddie stocks Condoms, As Slut vomits a 3D shot for the camera. Class!
The cops uncover Stoners Van with no sign of the skeletal remains. Which is Bogus! Like all Carnivores, piranhas cannot eat solid bone, Bone has no nutritional value since they always picked clean by all meat eaters. The whole ravenous Piranha fallacy was invented by Theodore Roosevelt who saw piranhas at a demonstration, and Conjectured that IF you put a hand into a pool of piranhas, It MIGHT tear your hand off. In Truth piranhas are vegetarian scavengers that eat anything that lands in their vicinity, but it has to be dead first!
OF COURSE! DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SCIENCE?
So in what was suppose to be character development for Maddie and Slut turned into the first attack by the glove puppets, So Maddie, Heart-throb and Asshole drive from Alabama to Florida to meet Dr Goodman (Christopher Lloyd)
"MARTY! YOU MUST SAVE ME! I'M IN A SHITTY FILM WITH HASSELHOFF AND THE AMERICAN IDOL SKANK!"
Dr Goodman shows the teens a piranha tear though weapon Grade Steel and tells them that these prehistoric piranhas thrive in mineral rich water so chlorine filled pools will confuse the fish. He also tells us that the world discredited his works when he theorized that fish will learn to walk.
FORESHADOWING!
After confirming that Black Girl is dead (It's a horror film, of course she's dead!) There is more Teasing of something terribly wrong with slut. To check if the pipes are big enough to let piranhas in, Heart-throb let's slip he can't swim, Leaving Maddie all alone for Ass-hole to save her.
HEY KIDS!
WANNA HEAR SOMETHING STUPID?
Take it, Eighties Lad!
We cut to Slut and Nerd having sex when somehow, I don't know how or when but a piranha egg was inside her vagina has laid and the fish has bitten the Man Cock, to the point of cutting it off with a knife!
We then cut to Chet bribing Asshole to keep the park open tomorrow.
Maddie has a bath and a Nightmare about Piranhas. In a seedy motel room, paid with hookers, the Hoff makes his cameo as it's the day of the parks reopening. The sheriff who lost his legs to the fish in the last film, has being invited to some immersion therapy to heal his new-found fear of water!
From here it's just non-stop gore and stupidity! so here's the quick version, Chet bores into an underwater lake, Hoff takes the place of a first Aid specialist, Asshole arrest Maddie and without the subtly of Jaws, the piranhas attack, the Sherriff gets his sawn-off prosectics, Comic Relief gets his ass chews, the Hoff dooms countless people just to save 1 child, Chet gets his ass handed to him by an escaped Maddie, A distraction by Katrina Bowden decapitates Chet, Maddie and Heart-Throb drain the pool even with him overcoming his fear of water. Asshole leaves his friends to die and in turn is stabbed to death by a flying rubbish pick, after an explosion by Comic Relief's fireworks launches the remaining fish high enough to suffocate them and so the nightmare is over.
OR IS IT?
Doctor Goodman tells Maddie over the phone that he is right: Fish have learned how to walk, if they learned to breath air, We'd be fucked but no, Walk is what we are going with!
THIS FILM IS SO BOGUS!
In modern Parlance, that means...
THIS FILM SUCKS!
Though you are not surprised in the least? are you? a sleazy, contrived, piece of common denominator gimmicky trash for the biggest useless film gimmick, that never goes away, the 3D Film.
NEXT MONTH....MEET THE MILLERS
CREDITS
Piranah DD was reviewed, compiled and Edited by, and as Eighties Lad, by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music by-
REM "Night Swimming"
Piranah dd is distributed by Entertainment In Film.
All rights Reserved.
Follow me on Twitter @RealEnli
And now on Tumblr at enlightenedtowers.tumblr.com
Friday, August 1, 2014
Monday, June 9, 2014
Eamonn Reviews Arthur and The Great Adventure
Mediocrity is dirty word.
Sometimes, children, the world is not as cut-and-dry, Which is why many see the 5-star rating as a flawed system. But While the greats are held in relevance and failures in disdain, Well what of the ever increasing population of the 3-star film? That niggling film that shows up on tv at Christmas and on bank holidays? the one where critics start the paragraph with..."It's Good, But...?"
The Prequel of today's film was one such film. While it did a whole lot better in it's native France,The film's beautifully shot animation turned some heads. And 2 sequels were already greenlighted.
However, it went downhill for Luc Besson's pet project, Most critics scoffed Besson's casting "A-List actors for the sake of being as good as Shrek!", So much so, that only Jimmy Fallon is reprising his role as Beta. Also the Moral Guardians, Tore into the French Film's Moral Dissonance, as Madonna's character of Selinina was drawn in a overt sexualised way, Many scenes of the love-interests ass crack in see through jeans and cleavage, Drinking, French kissing, smoking and even a scene where Arthur uses Sleinina's cord in her corset to swing to safety was edited out!
So now the cast is replaced by D-list pop stars, in a film with no musical numbers. But what about the story?
In 2006, Came the first film, Arthur and the Invisibles, telling the story of Arthur (Freddie Highmore) who lives in 60's California with his Grandma Daisy (Mia Farrow) and this reviewers most hated trope, Useless Parents. When an Evil Development Company of Evil, wants to buy the land, Arthur shrinks to the size of a rice-grain using a magic telescope, to find a stash of rubies, free his also shrunk long-lost grandfather, become the chosen one and stop a deformed warlord from (It's put more subtlety in the film but the context is still there!) taking the princess' youth by taking her virginity!
So due to the lack of faith, both sequels in France were edited together as 1 film in it's worldwide release. but is it really that bad?
Let's Dig into Arthur and the Glorified TV Pilot and find out where the hell it went wrong!
We start in California 1963, 3 years after the events of the first film. As the sun rises, The Minimoy army whose helmets resemble specks of raspberries and Blackberries, use their incest steeds and yetis (what?) to gather Berries for the Royal Full Moon Ball, when they are attacked by bees. so the fairies fire at them with berries.
That's a bit counter Productive, isn't it?
Your main source of food is also your Primary military tactic?
The scared off bee is used to segue into the live action segment, as Arthur's dad used a honey trap to capture it. While in a yurt in their garden, the tribe who Archibald learnt of the minimoys existence makes Arthur a member of the tribe. We also learn that Arthur is allergic to bee stings...too bad it doesn't stop Arthur from freeing the bee with little fear of dying.
As a present for passing the test, Archibald gives Arthur a train for his train set.
PLOT ITEM!
...Oh, and in the 3 years between the events of both films...Arthur's mother has no idea about the fairies, the African tribesmen in her garden or even how HER FATHER!,-Yes! Archibald is HER FATHER-returned 3 years after being presumed dead! There's Audience surrogates and there's just plain stupidity.
An over the top scare chord harkens the Not-Hugh Laurie who plays Dad to tell the family that are leaving tonight. An upset Arthur packs his things when a spider gives Arthur a rice grain with a message engraved on it.
"Remember To Always Drink Your Ovaltine?"
NO! OF COURSE NOT!
It's a distress Message.
Arthur performs a bait-and-switch with a blanket and his dog, that really ends with the conclusion that rose thinks her son has turned into a werewolf, and returns to the garden where the tribe performs the ritual with the telescope to turn Arthur into a Minimoy.
Our hero lands into Max's Club (First Played by Snoop Liony Lion, now played by Wyclif Jean), who tells about a new villain, Lord-Not-Shown-In-This-Film! and his army of unicorns. But Max still ferries Arthur on his ladybird shaped airship to Paradise Alley, Basically a fairy version of South Beach, Miami.
After a homage to Total Recall, Max finds his cousin Replay (Stacey "Fergie" Ferguson, who sounds like Tara Strong...With a Head Cold!), For the word on the street, just as it happens behind Max's and Arthur's backs, Beta,(Jimmy Fallon) is arrested by Unicorns, hideous Zombies with apropos Headgear.
Arthur and Beta escape into his house, losing the unicorns one by one, Wanting to see Selinina (Selina Gomez, replacing Madonna ) again, Arthur finds her captured by Maltarzard, (The Late Lou Reed, who matches the design of THE EVIL M more than Bowie ever did!), Whose plan is to grow human size and... YOU GUESSED IT! TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=X8u7px_GzWQ
Naturally, the now Six Foot incestoid with one arm stands out so he kidnaps a plastic surgeon to make him look human. Back to our heroes, Arthur devises a plan to make it up to Archibald's study to "borrow" a Reserving Potion, by to taking a bubble up a waterpipe. It's there they encounter Darkos(iggy Pop), Maltarzard's Evil but dim-witted son.
Maltarzard, disguised as a magician with very rough features and unhealed scars, enters Arthurs house to kill his old enemy Archibald, but with his family present, the villain bides his time, especially when Rose insensitively screams and faints at the sight of him. Darkos escapes the waterpipe and chases the trio on a toy motorbike, but a fight that destroys the toy train sees him off.
Archibald uncovers Maltazard who in the film was rotting because and I quote from the first film, by "the decadent living and many "interactions" with all life-forms" is now an admirer of Mia Farrow and her cooking.
But Arthur's plan fails when Archibald gives the Potion to M. And his plan is revealed: Grow his army, Destroy California as an example to Archibald, take over the world...And Make Daisy(Farrow) make him a chocolate pie every Sunday.
Being abandoned by his father, Darkos has a Face Turn as the 3 minomoys board a toy plane, but M has already grown his Army. Selinina has attracted a bee to take them to the hive, as the potion is pure royal Jelly but Arthur brings up the allergy, not like that stop him before! Said Bee convinces the queen to give the Jelly to the minimoys, Just as Arthur's Duh-Brain parents and fire-fighters come to spray pesticide. Using the bees to convey a message to Rose, the ever unreliable Mother faints as dad saves her by causing a Zoo-keeper-Esque Pratfall
The fire-fighters are called off as the invasion intensifies, Arthur drinks the potion and becomes human again and steals Dad's fixed car. Archibald, who the entire time had a whole batch of Reversing Potion grows darkos to human size and also drives into town.
Arthus and M's guard battle in a supermarket and hi-jacks a mosquito to have an air-joust but he gets captured.
Maltarzard convinces Darkos, who nearly kills his father, to re-join his cause, only for the M to betray him further. Selininia and Beta stings M with a bee covered in Reserving Potion as the U.S. Army subdues the Evil M Army and so the film ends with Our human heroes having a tea party and Daisy serving Maltazard, imprisoned under a glass, a piece of chocolate pie, without lifting the glass, this make him do the "CURSES!" Pose, As Darkos sings "Rebel, Rebel" over the credits.
Because Iggy Pop's Darkos Voice was such a Joy to listen to, right?
LISTEN TO THIS SHIT!-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTDa00o-EtI
THIS FILM SUCKS!
AAAARRRRGH!
WHERE DID IT GO WRONG?
Was there Executive Meddling to change a very original evil overload, into a cake loving pansy who just did evil things to get people to like him? The 1st film's animation was beautiful, Lip syncing aside, as you would expect from a visual creator like monsieur Besson, This go-around, like I said felt more like a tv pilot. Most blended films, especially the cheaply made ones, but more emphasis on the live-action, and oh boy did I had to suffer the "comedy stylings of the Hugh Laurie and Kirsten Wiig Stand-ins playing Arthurs Parents. Put those scenes next to any seen with Jimmy Fallon having Dialogue, and it's too much to bear. In Short, The Moral Guardians Ruined another Franchise.
CREDITS
Arthur and the Great Adventure- separately known as Arthur and the revenge of Maltazard and Arthur and Final battle in France-Was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With Clips from
Street fighter
Arthur and the Great Adventure.
Arthur and The Minimoys franchise is distributed by Universal Studios.
All Rights Reserved.
All clips belong to their respective owners.
Follow me on twitter @RealEnli
Sometimes, children, the world is not as cut-and-dry, Which is why many see the 5-star rating as a flawed system. But While the greats are held in relevance and failures in disdain, Well what of the ever increasing population of the 3-star film? That niggling film that shows up on tv at Christmas and on bank holidays? the one where critics start the paragraph with..."It's Good, But...?"
The Prequel of today's film was one such film. While it did a whole lot better in it's native France,The film's beautifully shot animation turned some heads. And 2 sequels were already greenlighted.
However, it went downhill for Luc Besson's pet project, Most critics scoffed Besson's casting "A-List actors for the sake of being as good as Shrek!", So much so, that only Jimmy Fallon is reprising his role as Beta. Also the Moral Guardians, Tore into the French Film's Moral Dissonance, as Madonna's character of Selinina was drawn in a overt sexualised way, Many scenes of the love-interests ass crack in see through jeans and cleavage, Drinking, French kissing, smoking and even a scene where Arthur uses Sleinina's cord in her corset to swing to safety was edited out!
So now the cast is replaced by D-list pop stars, in a film with no musical numbers. But what about the story?
In 2006, Came the first film, Arthur and the Invisibles, telling the story of Arthur (Freddie Highmore) who lives in 60's California with his Grandma Daisy (Mia Farrow) and this reviewers most hated trope, Useless Parents. When an Evil Development Company of Evil, wants to buy the land, Arthur shrinks to the size of a rice-grain using a magic telescope, to find a stash of rubies, free his also shrunk long-lost grandfather, become the chosen one and stop a deformed warlord from (It's put more subtlety in the film but the context is still there!) taking the princess' youth by taking her virginity!
So due to the lack of faith, both sequels in France were edited together as 1 film in it's worldwide release. but is it really that bad?
Let's Dig into Arthur and the Glorified TV Pilot and find out where the hell it went wrong!
We start in California 1963, 3 years after the events of the first film. As the sun rises, The Minimoy army whose helmets resemble specks of raspberries and Blackberries, use their incest steeds and yetis (what?) to gather Berries for the Royal Full Moon Ball, when they are attacked by bees. so the fairies fire at them with berries.
That's a bit counter Productive, isn't it?
Your main source of food is also your Primary military tactic?
The scared off bee is used to segue into the live action segment, as Arthur's dad used a honey trap to capture it. While in a yurt in their garden, the tribe who Archibald learnt of the minimoys existence makes Arthur a member of the tribe. We also learn that Arthur is allergic to bee stings...too bad it doesn't stop Arthur from freeing the bee with little fear of dying.
As a present for passing the test, Archibald gives Arthur a train for his train set.
PLOT ITEM!
...Oh, and in the 3 years between the events of both films...Arthur's mother has no idea about the fairies, the African tribesmen in her garden or even how HER FATHER!,-Yes! Archibald is HER FATHER-returned 3 years after being presumed dead! There's Audience surrogates and there's just plain stupidity.
An over the top scare chord harkens the Not-Hugh Laurie who plays Dad to tell the family that are leaving tonight. An upset Arthur packs his things when a spider gives Arthur a rice grain with a message engraved on it.
"Remember To Always Drink Your Ovaltine?"
NO! OF COURSE NOT!
It's a distress Message.
Arthur performs a bait-and-switch with a blanket and his dog, that really ends with the conclusion that rose thinks her son has turned into a werewolf, and returns to the garden where the tribe performs the ritual with the telescope to turn Arthur into a Minimoy.
Our hero lands into Max's Club (First Played by Snoop Liony Lion, now played by Wyclif Jean), who tells about a new villain, Lord-Not-Shown-In-This-Film! and his army of unicorns. But Max still ferries Arthur on his ladybird shaped airship to Paradise Alley, Basically a fairy version of South Beach, Miami.
After a homage to Total Recall, Max finds his cousin Replay (Stacey "Fergie" Ferguson, who sounds like Tara Strong...With a Head Cold!), For the word on the street, just as it happens behind Max's and Arthur's backs, Beta,(Jimmy Fallon) is arrested by Unicorns, hideous Zombies with apropos Headgear.
Arthur and Beta escape into his house, losing the unicorns one by one, Wanting to see Selinina (Selina Gomez, replacing Madonna ) again, Arthur finds her captured by Maltarzard, (The Late Lou Reed, who matches the design of THE EVIL M more than Bowie ever did!), Whose plan is to grow human size and... YOU GUESSED IT! TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=X8u7px_GzWQ
Naturally, the now Six Foot incestoid with one arm stands out so he kidnaps a plastic surgeon to make him look human. Back to our heroes, Arthur devises a plan to make it up to Archibald's study to "borrow" a Reserving Potion, by to taking a bubble up a waterpipe. It's there they encounter Darkos(iggy Pop), Maltarzard's Evil but dim-witted son.
Maltarzard, disguised as a magician with very rough features and unhealed scars, enters Arthurs house to kill his old enemy Archibald, but with his family present, the villain bides his time, especially when Rose insensitively screams and faints at the sight of him. Darkos escapes the waterpipe and chases the trio on a toy motorbike, but a fight that destroys the toy train sees him off.
Archibald uncovers Maltazard who in the film was rotting because and I quote from the first film, by "the decadent living and many "interactions" with all life-forms" is now an admirer of Mia Farrow and her cooking.
But Arthur's plan fails when Archibald gives the Potion to M. And his plan is revealed: Grow his army, Destroy California as an example to Archibald, take over the world...And Make Daisy(Farrow) make him a chocolate pie every Sunday.
Being abandoned by his father, Darkos has a Face Turn as the 3 minomoys board a toy plane, but M has already grown his Army. Selinina has attracted a bee to take them to the hive, as the potion is pure royal Jelly but Arthur brings up the allergy, not like that stop him before! Said Bee convinces the queen to give the Jelly to the minimoys, Just as Arthur's Duh-Brain parents and fire-fighters come to spray pesticide. Using the bees to convey a message to Rose, the ever unreliable Mother faints as dad saves her by causing a Zoo-keeper-Esque Pratfall
The fire-fighters are called off as the invasion intensifies, Arthur drinks the potion and becomes human again and steals Dad's fixed car. Archibald, who the entire time had a whole batch of Reversing Potion grows darkos to human size and also drives into town.
Arthus and M's guard battle in a supermarket and hi-jacks a mosquito to have an air-joust but he gets captured.
Maltarzard convinces Darkos, who nearly kills his father, to re-join his cause, only for the M to betray him further. Selininia and Beta stings M with a bee covered in Reserving Potion as the U.S. Army subdues the Evil M Army and so the film ends with Our human heroes having a tea party and Daisy serving Maltazard, imprisoned under a glass, a piece of chocolate pie, without lifting the glass, this make him do the "CURSES!" Pose, As Darkos sings "Rebel, Rebel" over the credits.
Because Iggy Pop's Darkos Voice was such a Joy to listen to, right?
LISTEN TO THIS SHIT!-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTDa00o-EtI
THIS FILM SUCKS!
AAAARRRRGH!
WHERE DID IT GO WRONG?
Was there Executive Meddling to change a very original evil overload, into a cake loving pansy who just did evil things to get people to like him? The 1st film's animation was beautiful, Lip syncing aside, as you would expect from a visual creator like monsieur Besson, This go-around, like I said felt more like a tv pilot. Most blended films, especially the cheaply made ones, but more emphasis on the live-action, and oh boy did I had to suffer the "comedy stylings of the Hugh Laurie and Kirsten Wiig Stand-ins playing Arthurs Parents. Put those scenes next to any seen with Jimmy Fallon having Dialogue, and it's too much to bear. In Short, The Moral Guardians Ruined another Franchise.
CREDITS
Arthur and the Great Adventure- separately known as Arthur and the revenge of Maltazard and Arthur and Final battle in France-Was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With Clips from
Street fighter
Arthur and the Great Adventure.
Arthur and The Minimoys franchise is distributed by Universal Studios.
All Rights Reserved.
All clips belong to their respective owners.
Follow me on twitter @RealEnli
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Eamonn Reviews Hobo with a Shotgun
WARNING: THIS MONTH'S FILM CONTAINS DESCRIPTIONS OF GRAPHIC CONTENT: READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED
No, you don't have to check your calendars, I'm doing an independent film studio horror, and it's not even October?
So why am I doing this?
Well , I think it's time I raised my game. While it seems like I'm the only text reviewer on the TGWTG Forum, I feel like I must up my game, even if I have no desire to make videos. And doing an obscure film will show off my range a bit more.
So with that we have no real storyline just reviews until I reach 100 episodes next year. And with that, Let's head down to THE ROAD TO 100! With Hobo With A Shotgun
After the trailer for Eyedroids (what do you reckon? should I review it?) I was hit with the theme music and it is...AWESOME! HAVE A TASTY LICK OF THIS!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mphmsbkm7d8
So the film begins as the eponymous Hobo (Rutger Hauer) Shuffling of an express train to a new city. However his fresh start is not what he envisioned as crime happens in broad daylight in the graffiti and garbage covered streets, he has to contend with not just the problems of the homeless but with the theatrical crime boss, The Drake who is introduced to us in grand fashion, decapitating his brother in a display of dominance over the city.
The hobo who picks up his wrecked trolley which was destroyed in the display, has a dream but it's a small one, he wants to earn money for a lawnmower so he can Earn his money for a change. But being elderly he is sick of being pushed around.
So he invades Drake's Arcade, where his dick sons, Slick and Ivan, get kids high on Cocaine and kill them with the rides and games.
When Slick attempts to traffic a girl, the hobo attack slick and brings him to the police, but the police are corrupt and Drake's boys ambush him and carve FUCK LAW Into his chest. Staggering with the loss of blood, he finds the girl he saved, Abbey and she returns the favour.
At her house. She explains to a stitched up hobo, that she is a prostitute because she has no choice, the hobo says years of being homeless has thought him 2 lessons, people always have a choice and people usually don't do the right thing on their own! When given a shirt with a bear on it, Hobo gives us a foreshadowing metaphor about how dangerous attacking a bear's family is and what to do when a bear gets a taste for blood.
The Next day, Hobo sees Abbey attacked by the other hookers, a paedophile dressed as Santa and he is accosted by filmmakers paying hobos and retards to do stupid things for money
(INSERT MTV REFERENCE HERE!)
Paid to chew glass by MTV, He uses it to pay for a lawnmower but the pawnshop gets robbed, he makes the decision, to use the 50 dollars that he has saved all his life to real use, Buys a shotgun and kills the robbers, MTV and Paedo Santa, in one day. Embarrassed that he didn't kill the hobo, the Drake tells slick and Ivan to stand out on their own, if they ever wanted to inherit his empire, So Slick and Ivan Kills a busload of children with flamethrowers as Disco Inferno plays in the background and a newscaster with ice-skates to send a message to the town: Either kill every hobo, or Slick will kill every child in the city.
Frightened, and in hiding, we get a montage of Hobos killed in imaginative ways. It's not until Abbey needs saving (AGAIN!) he shakes of this rut he's in.
While the 2 heroes try to escape the city, Slick and Ivan in their ice-skates attack them. Ivan gets electrocuted by accidently kicking a toaster and getting badly burned, while Slick who tries to rape Abbey(AGAIN!) Gets his dick blown off by the Hobo.
The Drake is saddened that his son has being killed that he has no choice but to hire the cyborg killers, The Plague to kill the hobo. The drake's Hookers are shocked as they are the only men the Drake fears.
In hospital, the hobo tells a recovered Abbey that he'll get the Drake 1 way or another.
The Plague, A ruthless band of Armoured Killers, separately named Rip and Grinder, storm the hospital their modus operandi his hanging their victims with harpoon guns. they capture the hobo before giving him a chance to reload. Abbey who has being nothing but a Dumbass in Distress for the whole film, picks up the gun for a rescue mission.
In the Plague's Castle, The hobo wakes in an iron maiden watching the Plague fight a giant Octopu...WHAT THE FUCK? I mean this is so out of place! I'm I the only 1 who thinks this is a little out of place? The plague is one thing, i'll let that slide, But a giant octopus....that's out there!
Abbey breaks into the pawn shop and customises the shotgun adding an axe-blade to the handle, weaponizing the lawnmower and having an Important Costume Change.
The drake plans to kill the Hobo the same way he killed his brother, but in front of the whole city, But Abbey Kills Grinder only for the drake to cut of her hand with the lawnmower, to the shock of the townspeople, he also kills Ivan for being a disappointment to him. Rip tells the Hobo that since Abbey killed Grinder she must replace him as a new member of the Plague. (This is infact the alternative Ending on the dvd release)
So let's wrap this up!
The hobo has the drake in his sights, the police surround the hobo, but the townspeople surround them with their guns. The hobo shoots the drake dead, but so is the Hobo, as the police are mowed down with bullets, all the while Abbey, bleeding slowly to death, cries and lets out a big "NO!" as the outro for the cartoon the Raccoons plays out.
THIS FILM IS HARD TO WATCH...BUT IT'S AWESOME ALL THE SAME!
Hobo With A Shotgun harkens back to the Grindhouses and Video Nasties of Yore: Big Hams and Hand-cams, No-one Actors, Blood, Gore and Hot Girls-All that good stuff! But HWASG Has a lot more going on-fleshed out characters, stark social commentary, A Tarintino-esque script and a twisted sense of humour. Some will hate the bear monologue that foreshadows the downer ending, and if your tolerance for blood is low, give this a wide berth. For more adventurous types, get yourselves a copy.
CREDITS
Hobo with a Shotgun was Reviewed, compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music:
Pacer by Adam T Burke
Hobo with a shotgun is Distributed by Momentum Pictures, all rights reserved.
Next Month: Arthur and the great Adventure.
No, you don't have to check your calendars, I'm doing an independent film studio horror, and it's not even October?
So why am I doing this?
Well , I think it's time I raised my game. While it seems like I'm the only text reviewer on the TGWTG Forum, I feel like I must up my game, even if I have no desire to make videos. And doing an obscure film will show off my range a bit more.
So with that we have no real storyline just reviews until I reach 100 episodes next year. And with that, Let's head down to THE ROAD TO 100! With Hobo With A Shotgun
After the trailer for Eyedroids (what do you reckon? should I review it?) I was hit with the theme music and it is...AWESOME! HAVE A TASTY LICK OF THIS!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mphmsbkm7d8
So the film begins as the eponymous Hobo (Rutger Hauer) Shuffling of an express train to a new city. However his fresh start is not what he envisioned as crime happens in broad daylight in the graffiti and garbage covered streets, he has to contend with not just the problems of the homeless but with the theatrical crime boss, The Drake who is introduced to us in grand fashion, decapitating his brother in a display of dominance over the city.
The hobo who picks up his wrecked trolley which was destroyed in the display, has a dream but it's a small one, he wants to earn money for a lawnmower so he can Earn his money for a change. But being elderly he is sick of being pushed around.
So he invades Drake's Arcade, where his dick sons, Slick and Ivan, get kids high on Cocaine and kill them with the rides and games.
When Slick attempts to traffic a girl, the hobo attack slick and brings him to the police, but the police are corrupt and Drake's boys ambush him and carve FUCK LAW Into his chest. Staggering with the loss of blood, he finds the girl he saved, Abbey and she returns the favour.
At her house. She explains to a stitched up hobo, that she is a prostitute because she has no choice, the hobo says years of being homeless has thought him 2 lessons, people always have a choice and people usually don't do the right thing on their own! When given a shirt with a bear on it, Hobo gives us a foreshadowing metaphor about how dangerous attacking a bear's family is and what to do when a bear gets a taste for blood.
The Next day, Hobo sees Abbey attacked by the other hookers, a paedophile dressed as Santa and he is accosted by filmmakers paying hobos and retards to do stupid things for money
(INSERT MTV REFERENCE HERE!)
Paid to chew glass by MTV, He uses it to pay for a lawnmower but the pawnshop gets robbed, he makes the decision, to use the 50 dollars that he has saved all his life to real use, Buys a shotgun and kills the robbers, MTV and Paedo Santa, in one day. Embarrassed that he didn't kill the hobo, the Drake tells slick and Ivan to stand out on their own, if they ever wanted to inherit his empire, So Slick and Ivan Kills a busload of children with flamethrowers as Disco Inferno plays in the background and a newscaster with ice-skates to send a message to the town: Either kill every hobo, or Slick will kill every child in the city.
Frightened, and in hiding, we get a montage of Hobos killed in imaginative ways. It's not until Abbey needs saving (AGAIN!) he shakes of this rut he's in.
While the 2 heroes try to escape the city, Slick and Ivan in their ice-skates attack them. Ivan gets electrocuted by accidently kicking a toaster and getting badly burned, while Slick who tries to rape Abbey(AGAIN!) Gets his dick blown off by the Hobo.
The Drake is saddened that his son has being killed that he has no choice but to hire the cyborg killers, The Plague to kill the hobo. The drake's Hookers are shocked as they are the only men the Drake fears.
In hospital, the hobo tells a recovered Abbey that he'll get the Drake 1 way or another.
The Plague, A ruthless band of Armoured Killers, separately named Rip and Grinder, storm the hospital their modus operandi his hanging their victims with harpoon guns. they capture the hobo before giving him a chance to reload. Abbey who has being nothing but a Dumbass in Distress for the whole film, picks up the gun for a rescue mission.
In the Plague's Castle, The hobo wakes in an iron maiden watching the Plague fight a giant Octopu...WHAT THE FUCK? I mean this is so out of place! I'm I the only 1 who thinks this is a little out of place? The plague is one thing, i'll let that slide, But a giant octopus....that's out there!
Abbey breaks into the pawn shop and customises the shotgun adding an axe-blade to the handle, weaponizing the lawnmower and having an Important Costume Change.
The drake plans to kill the Hobo the same way he killed his brother, but in front of the whole city, But Abbey Kills Grinder only for the drake to cut of her hand with the lawnmower, to the shock of the townspeople, he also kills Ivan for being a disappointment to him. Rip tells the Hobo that since Abbey killed Grinder she must replace him as a new member of the Plague. (This is infact the alternative Ending on the dvd release)
So let's wrap this up!
The hobo has the drake in his sights, the police surround the hobo, but the townspeople surround them with their guns. The hobo shoots the drake dead, but so is the Hobo, as the police are mowed down with bullets, all the while Abbey, bleeding slowly to death, cries and lets out a big "NO!" as the outro for the cartoon the Raccoons plays out.
THIS FILM IS HARD TO WATCH...BUT IT'S AWESOME ALL THE SAME!
Hobo With A Shotgun harkens back to the Grindhouses and Video Nasties of Yore: Big Hams and Hand-cams, No-one Actors, Blood, Gore and Hot Girls-All that good stuff! But HWASG Has a lot more going on-fleshed out characters, stark social commentary, A Tarintino-esque script and a twisted sense of humour. Some will hate the bear monologue that foreshadows the downer ending, and if your tolerance for blood is low, give this a wide berth. For more adventurous types, get yourselves a copy.
CREDITS
Hobo with a Shotgun was Reviewed, compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music:
Pacer by Adam T Burke
Hobo with a shotgun is Distributed by Momentum Pictures, all rights reserved.
Next Month: Arthur and the great Adventure.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
TICKET TO HELL 2014! The Alternative Endings!
WORST ENDING! (0-20 PAGEVIEWS)
THE FARMER AND THE SNAKE.
(Eamonn stepped forward until he was in wing-reach of Ostrich, a Surge of power flowed out of him and blazed in the avian's eyes.)
Thank you for you power, well my power, you thief, now I'm going to eat you!
(SatanicOstrich lunged with it's serrated beak before Eamonn Could react. It took 4 years and Ostrich has finally defeated the Enlightened.
BAD ENDING! (21-40 PAGEVIEWS)
SEDUCTION.
(As Eamonn and Ostrich's minds were psychically linked, Voices told the Enlightened false promises and lies of Wealth and Power. Seduced, Eamonn realised that of the 2 beings here with SatanicPower, that it wasn't going to be Ostrich. Reversing the current, Eamonn syphoned all of Ostriche's power into him, he was above his own Humanity, he was above him own Enlightenment!
I. AM. THE. NEW. KING. OF. HELL!
WTF! ENDING? (41-60 PAGEVIEWS)
IT WAS YOU!
(The Seal of the 9 Circles opened up as the real mastermind behind the Master Control and the Breach of reality was revealed, as the seal opened into a office where a little old lady was at a computer.
So it was you all the long! Mastermind of all these attacks...is JOE-JACK'S MAMMIE!
-Am I on da T'interwebz yet?
-(Laughs) OH, MAMMIE!
GOOD ENDING! (61-80 PAGEVIEWS)
99%
(As the smoke cleared, the Seal behind him exploded but Eamonn teleported out with the Power Remaining.
the next day, at the personnel meeting at Enlightened Towers, explained that Satan needed enough power to get home to stop the invasion and for the 2 worlds to separate back into 2 dimensions, However with a piece of hell still remaining on Earth, what else was left behind?
(We cut to Butt-Craic Parochial House, As Frs. Tacs-Cryme, Lecher, Leeche and Hip-O'Crete greet the new priest.)
With your charity work and Knowledge of music,You'll be a great addition to da village, Fr. Jimmy!
-THAT'S SIR FR. JIM-MAY TO YOU SUNSHINE! NOW THEN, NOW THEN, DO YOU PRIESTS LIKE THE MUSIC...OF SHOWADDYWADDY?
THE FARMER AND THE SNAKE.
(Eamonn stepped forward until he was in wing-reach of Ostrich, a Surge of power flowed out of him and blazed in the avian's eyes.)
Thank you for you power, well my power, you thief, now I'm going to eat you!
(SatanicOstrich lunged with it's serrated beak before Eamonn Could react. It took 4 years and Ostrich has finally defeated the Enlightened.
BAD ENDING! (21-40 PAGEVIEWS)
SEDUCTION.
(As Eamonn and Ostrich's minds were psychically linked, Voices told the Enlightened false promises and lies of Wealth and Power. Seduced, Eamonn realised that of the 2 beings here with SatanicPower, that it wasn't going to be Ostrich. Reversing the current, Eamonn syphoned all of Ostriche's power into him, he was above his own Humanity, he was above him own Enlightenment!
I. AM. THE. NEW. KING. OF. HELL!
WTF! ENDING? (41-60 PAGEVIEWS)
IT WAS YOU!
(The Seal of the 9 Circles opened up as the real mastermind behind the Master Control and the Breach of reality was revealed, as the seal opened into a office where a little old lady was at a computer.
So it was you all the long! Mastermind of all these attacks...is JOE-JACK'S MAMMIE!
-Am I on da T'interwebz yet?
-(Laughs) OH, MAMMIE!
GOOD ENDING! (61-80 PAGEVIEWS)
99%
(As the smoke cleared, the Seal behind him exploded but Eamonn teleported out with the Power Remaining.
the next day, at the personnel meeting at Enlightened Towers, explained that Satan needed enough power to get home to stop the invasion and for the 2 worlds to separate back into 2 dimensions, However with a piece of hell still remaining on Earth, what else was left behind?
(We cut to Butt-Craic Parochial House, As Frs. Tacs-Cryme, Lecher, Leeche and Hip-O'Crete greet the new priest.)
With your charity work and Knowledge of music,You'll be a great addition to da village, Fr. Jimmy!
-THAT'S SIR FR. JIM-MAY TO YOU SUNSHINE! NOW THEN, NOW THEN, DO YOU PRIESTS LIKE THE MUSIC...OF SHOWADDYWADDY?
Monday, May 26, 2014
THE OFFICAL ENDING TO TICKET TO HELL 2014
Thank you so much for exceeding my expectations, even if Twitter voting was a big bust.
WITH 262 Pageviews between 16th of April and the end of May, you've deserved this.
ENDING 5.
81-100+ pageviews
BEST ENDING.
LIKE A BAWSS!
(As the dust cleared, the Figure on the screens of the control room confirmed that it was Eamonn. The gateway behind him glowed infernally and exploded throwing him to the roof of the cave.)
"Mister DiCulchie? Mister Tantalus? The doctor says you can see him now!"
(Lying in A hospital bed, with bandaged ribs, was Eamonn.)
Well, it looks like we pulled the rug out of the fire again.
-Totally! but one thing bugs me, Enlightened-Dude!
-What's that?
-Why didn't you use your Teleportation Powers to get the swe-eeeet hell outta Dodge?
-YA! An' wot was ye and SatanicHostagewich talkin' abou'?
The Seal to Hell didn't recognise Ostrich was fully Satanic, ever since our battles, a piece of his power lodged in my fist. So I agreed to have it excommunicated from me to seal hell up for good. It was a jarring experience, I almost was seduced by the power and desires, but somehow I pulled through.
So ye are sayin' dat if Hostagewich wuld invade Earf again, ye'll be powerless?
I wouldn't say that! Your spydroid is powered by a digitised source code of my former power, so by inventing, I don't know, a powerglove?, We'll be back in the game. and as for Ostrich feeling un-appreciated, I have that sewn up!
(We cut to Hell. In a icy prison, the force's of the universe give SatanicOstrich the Riot Act.)
(wHAT yOU dID wAS iRRESPONIBLE, sATAN!, yOUR rOLE iS tOO iMPORTANT tO wARRANT tHAT kIND oFF bEHAVIOUR.)
-My job is to control the evil of this world. That doesn't make me evil!
(wHAT yOU fEEL oR dON't fEEL iS oF nO rEAL cONSEQUENCE.)
I Just want to feel appreciated, y'know? someone to come up and say, "Good Job Satan"
(wE aRE aBOVE sUCH nOTIONS. aND sO mUST yOU bE!)
(Ostrich returned to his quarters. Standing out from his desktop was a wrapped present. His talons opened it. It was a mug. He turned to see the legend written on it and a smile grew on his beak.
it read:
WORLD'S GREATEST BOSS!
GAME OVER!
THANKS FOR PLAYING!
WITH 262 Pageviews between 16th of April and the end of May, you've deserved this.
ENDING 5.
81-100+ pageviews
BEST ENDING.
LIKE A BAWSS!
(As the dust cleared, the Figure on the screens of the control room confirmed that it was Eamonn. The gateway behind him glowed infernally and exploded throwing him to the roof of the cave.)
"Mister DiCulchie? Mister Tantalus? The doctor says you can see him now!"
(Lying in A hospital bed, with bandaged ribs, was Eamonn.)
Well, it looks like we pulled the rug out of the fire again.
-Totally! but one thing bugs me, Enlightened-Dude!
-What's that?
-Why didn't you use your Teleportation Powers to get the swe-eeeet hell outta Dodge?
-YA! An' wot was ye and SatanicHostagewich talkin' abou'?
The Seal to Hell didn't recognise Ostrich was fully Satanic, ever since our battles, a piece of his power lodged in my fist. So I agreed to have it excommunicated from me to seal hell up for good. It was a jarring experience, I almost was seduced by the power and desires, but somehow I pulled through.
So ye are sayin' dat if Hostagewich wuld invade Earf again, ye'll be powerless?
I wouldn't say that! Your spydroid is powered by a digitised source code of my former power, so by inventing, I don't know, a powerglove?, We'll be back in the game. and as for Ostrich feeling un-appreciated, I have that sewn up!
(We cut to Hell. In a icy prison, the force's of the universe give SatanicOstrich the Riot Act.)
(wHAT yOU dID wAS iRRESPONIBLE, sATAN!, yOUR rOLE iS tOO iMPORTANT tO wARRANT tHAT kIND oFF bEHAVIOUR.)
-My job is to control the evil of this world. That doesn't make me evil!
(wHAT yOU fEEL oR dON't fEEL iS oF nO rEAL cONSEQUENCE.)
I Just want to feel appreciated, y'know? someone to come up and say, "Good Job Satan"
(wE aRE aBOVE sUCH nOTIONS. aND sO mUST yOU bE!)
(Ostrich returned to his quarters. Standing out from his desktop was a wrapped present. His talons opened it. It was a mug. He turned to see the legend written on it and a smile grew on his beak.
it read:
WORLD'S GREATEST BOSS!
GAME OVER!
THANKS FOR PLAYING!
Thursday, May 1, 2014
TICKET TO HELL:DamNation: Eamonn reviews Silent Hill Revalation part 2
(This months theme-Silent Hill 3 soundtrack- End of sanctuary)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_e8abf_Tds
We Begin Part 2 by Heather waking after Vince is kidnapped. The ash snowing outside the motel confirms her fears: she has returned to Otherworld.
Heather makes her way on foot to the church where a funeral pyre shows Vincent dead. the only epitaph: TRAITOR. She is met by Dahlia Gillespie, Alessa's mother, who instead of being a-easily-lead Moron who signed the death-warrant for a bullied, sexually abused child born out of wedlock, is more sympathetic and wanting forgiveness. Dahlia confirms that Alessa is no more and only the reaper remains, her mother tells her the darkness will spread and the flashes into Otherworld will last longer now both halves of Alessa are in the one place.
Hiding in a Mannequin Factory from the darkness, the only new monster for this film, the Mannequin Creature, a Spider made of Mannequin Parts, turns the Bionic Woman from the shit remake into a mannequin. and Heather save another girl before she gets used as spare parts too. This new creature is formed from Alessa's Jealously as her own burnt body lies in the furnace from the fire Rose started in the first film.
In the church of the order, Vincent is not dead, spared by the Order, but mostly by his mother Claudia. Still believing Heather is Evil, and Her son is brainwashed. Claudia orders her son to be taken to the asylum.
Heather has made her way to asylum, via the sewers after the other girl is eaten by the Mannequin Creature. She's in MidWich hospital, also known as the Heart of Darkness where Alessa resides and where her powers are at her peak.
In the dark and dilapidated asylum, Heather encounters fierce creatures, madmen and the insane Leonard (Malcolm McDowell) Heather needs to find the other seal to escape otherworld, as Leonard is blind, she gives the seal to feel. He tells her the seals unlock the true power of the reaper, and now we know why leonard is Insane: HE STITCHED THE SEAL INSIDE HIMSELF!
inserting the other disk into his gash, the blind zealot is cured of his affliction and is now a God, transforming into himself into his boss form. but Heather grabs the seal out of his gash and he's reduced to ashes.
Wow, MacDowell must charge by the hour, he's dead after 1 scene! plus as a boss he's as bad as Evrae Atlanta. Or Sheep-man.
So Heather seeing how the 2 seal react to each like magnetism, figures that she and Alessa have some kind of Twin Telepathy, when she is attacked by patients. she calls for help and someone answers: PYRAMID HEAD!
Okay, the helmet is still papier Mache and metallic Paint but By Your God, he has took a level in badass. as he saves Heather by chopping of arms 1 by 1.
Heather goes to rescue Vincent form the nurses who also make a return. Vincent tries to convince heather once again not to find her father because it's a trap, but she interjects that having a real cause is worth fighting for. This Convinces Vincent after a Good-bye kiss to stall the order. Heather is told the sanctuary is under the amusement park.
The events of the opening scene play out only this time, it's the clerics who are burnt by the roundabout's fire.
After Transforming from Alessa aged 10, to Alessa dressed as heather with her hairstyle in their natural black hair covered in blood, Heather tries to reason with her. But Reaper tells Sharon that all is left is Alessa's Rage. So Reaper grabs heather and starts to transform her into herself, Sharing memories of her past. but Heather hugs the empty shell of alessa, and shares her loving past. all the while shouting that if she wanted a part to live that she would want this: Love that she was denied. This causes Alessa to combust and the reaper along with it.
The sanctuary door opens and Heather with a small piece of Reaper absorbed demands Claudia to free Vincent and Christopher.
So lets Wrap this up!
Heather gives Claudia the seal which turns her into Voldo. Pyramid Head, now under heather's command attacks Voldo, and both have a stunningly shot knife fight in a ring of fire. Pyramid Head kills Claudia/Voldo, as Heather frees both men. Chris tells both teenagers that without a leader, the order is confused and now even more dangerous, once more, without Claudia, Leonard, or The Reaper, Silent Hill has no anchor in reality, and since Rose is still missing, he'll search otherworld until he finds her, bringing the seal with him as he walking through the fog. and so the film ends just as when Vincent and Sharon hitchhikes out of Silent Hill, the police trying to hunt the murder suspect Heather Disilva drive into Silent hill...and the fog of Otherworld!
This film is good...but it could have being a whole lot better.
First let's talk about the improvements.
Sean Bean did something in this film! The Lighting that ruined most of the potential scares in the first film was used expertly in this, Notably the flashback at school and the Mannequin Creature chase. Background music was a bare minimum as opposed to it blasting seconds before a failed jump-scare. This time by not changing the costumes in anyway, made the monsters scary.
Now to the negatives.
They should have made McDowell's character the main villain, as Moss was a little lame, and that way his transformation into God will not be anticlimactic. Next gripe the reveal of Vincent past should have being near the end and not in middle. and 3rd and last mumble is Adelaide Clemens who has played two diametrically opposing parts with only 1 facial expression can you guess which 1?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVGvszaIr-w
Still, Silent Hill Revelation is a good story, It's just a shame it took it being a sequel to a shit story to finally tell it!
(Eamonn walked for what seemed like miles, in what seemed like days, until he and Ostrich reached the Seal of The Nine Circles, a eldritch symbol that separates Hell from Earth and Other Earths. Ostrich placed his wing onto the glyph. It glows with flames that illuminated all but one intersecting circle.
"we got a problem!"
-What?
-It's not excepting me back home. I'm not fully Satanic anymore
-So do you have a plan?
-Yes! But you won't like it...
(Meanwhile, we cut to the fixed spy-drone manned by Joe-Jack and 80's Lad.)
DUUUDDDDEE! WE are so Back online! but Bummer me Jorges the mic is kuputnik!
Well what evah Da Quere Fella said, it's not gone down well with Townie Bastid!
(Eamonn steps into SatanicOstrich's reach and a magical transformation happens! behind the light show, the seal opens and a blast of flame and smoke knocks down the droid, as from the thick smoke a solitary being walks out.....
NOW ITS UP TO YOU TO FINISH THE STORY!
I have written 5 endings to this scenario in true SH Style. In addition to the Number of Pageviews, you can now go to my Twitter account @RealEnli, to cast your vote!
the options are:
Thank you and Happy voting!
CREDITS
Silent Hill revelation was reviewed, edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With clips and music by
in part 1:
You're not here-Silent hill 3 soundtrack
and in part 2:
End of sanctuary-silent hill 3 soundtrack
MST3K
Silent Hill is a trademark of Konami and Silent hill revelation is distributed by Liongate. All rights reserved.
Follow me on twitter @RealEnli and don't forget to vote!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_e8abf_Tds
We Begin Part 2 by Heather waking after Vince is kidnapped. The ash snowing outside the motel confirms her fears: she has returned to Otherworld.
Heather makes her way on foot to the church where a funeral pyre shows Vincent dead. the only epitaph: TRAITOR. She is met by Dahlia Gillespie, Alessa's mother, who instead of being a-easily-lead Moron who signed the death-warrant for a bullied, sexually abused child born out of wedlock, is more sympathetic and wanting forgiveness. Dahlia confirms that Alessa is no more and only the reaper remains, her mother tells her the darkness will spread and the flashes into Otherworld will last longer now both halves of Alessa are in the one place.
Hiding in a Mannequin Factory from the darkness, the only new monster for this film, the Mannequin Creature, a Spider made of Mannequin Parts, turns the Bionic Woman from the shit remake into a mannequin. and Heather save another girl before she gets used as spare parts too. This new creature is formed from Alessa's Jealously as her own burnt body lies in the furnace from the fire Rose started in the first film.
In the church of the order, Vincent is not dead, spared by the Order, but mostly by his mother Claudia. Still believing Heather is Evil, and Her son is brainwashed. Claudia orders her son to be taken to the asylum.
Heather has made her way to asylum, via the sewers after the other girl is eaten by the Mannequin Creature. She's in MidWich hospital, also known as the Heart of Darkness where Alessa resides and where her powers are at her peak.
In the dark and dilapidated asylum, Heather encounters fierce creatures, madmen and the insane Leonard (Malcolm McDowell) Heather needs to find the other seal to escape otherworld, as Leonard is blind, she gives the seal to feel. He tells her the seals unlock the true power of the reaper, and now we know why leonard is Insane: HE STITCHED THE SEAL INSIDE HIMSELF!
inserting the other disk into his gash, the blind zealot is cured of his affliction and is now a God, transforming into himself into his boss form. but Heather grabs the seal out of his gash and he's reduced to ashes.
Wow, MacDowell must charge by the hour, he's dead after 1 scene! plus as a boss he's as bad as Evrae Atlanta. Or Sheep-man.
So Heather seeing how the 2 seal react to each like magnetism, figures that she and Alessa have some kind of Twin Telepathy, when she is attacked by patients. she calls for help and someone answers: PYRAMID HEAD!
Okay, the helmet is still papier Mache and metallic Paint but By Your God, he has took a level in badass. as he saves Heather by chopping of arms 1 by 1.
Heather goes to rescue Vincent form the nurses who also make a return. Vincent tries to convince heather once again not to find her father because it's a trap, but she interjects that having a real cause is worth fighting for. This Convinces Vincent after a Good-bye kiss to stall the order. Heather is told the sanctuary is under the amusement park.
The events of the opening scene play out only this time, it's the clerics who are burnt by the roundabout's fire.
After Transforming from Alessa aged 10, to Alessa dressed as heather with her hairstyle in their natural black hair covered in blood, Heather tries to reason with her. But Reaper tells Sharon that all is left is Alessa's Rage. So Reaper grabs heather and starts to transform her into herself, Sharing memories of her past. but Heather hugs the empty shell of alessa, and shares her loving past. all the while shouting that if she wanted a part to live that she would want this: Love that she was denied. This causes Alessa to combust and the reaper along with it.
The sanctuary door opens and Heather with a small piece of Reaper absorbed demands Claudia to free Vincent and Christopher.
So lets Wrap this up!
Heather gives Claudia the seal which turns her into Voldo. Pyramid Head, now under heather's command attacks Voldo, and both have a stunningly shot knife fight in a ring of fire. Pyramid Head kills Claudia/Voldo, as Heather frees both men. Chris tells both teenagers that without a leader, the order is confused and now even more dangerous, once more, without Claudia, Leonard, or The Reaper, Silent Hill has no anchor in reality, and since Rose is still missing, he'll search otherworld until he finds her, bringing the seal with him as he walking through the fog. and so the film ends just as when Vincent and Sharon hitchhikes out of Silent Hill, the police trying to hunt the murder suspect Heather Disilva drive into Silent hill...and the fog of Otherworld!
This film is good...but it could have being a whole lot better.
First let's talk about the improvements.
Sean Bean did something in this film! The Lighting that ruined most of the potential scares in the first film was used expertly in this, Notably the flashback at school and the Mannequin Creature chase. Background music was a bare minimum as opposed to it blasting seconds before a failed jump-scare. This time by not changing the costumes in anyway, made the monsters scary.
Now to the negatives.
They should have made McDowell's character the main villain, as Moss was a little lame, and that way his transformation into God will not be anticlimactic. Next gripe the reveal of Vincent past should have being near the end and not in middle. and 3rd and last mumble is Adelaide Clemens who has played two diametrically opposing parts with only 1 facial expression can you guess which 1?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVGvszaIr-w
Still, Silent Hill Revelation is a good story, It's just a shame it took it being a sequel to a shit story to finally tell it!
(Eamonn walked for what seemed like miles, in what seemed like days, until he and Ostrich reached the Seal of The Nine Circles, a eldritch symbol that separates Hell from Earth and Other Earths. Ostrich placed his wing onto the glyph. It glows with flames that illuminated all but one intersecting circle.
"we got a problem!"
-What?
-It's not excepting me back home. I'm not fully Satanic anymore
-So do you have a plan?
-Yes! But you won't like it...
(Meanwhile, we cut to the fixed spy-drone manned by Joe-Jack and 80's Lad.)
DUUUDDDDEE! WE are so Back online! but Bummer me Jorges the mic is kuputnik!
Well what evah Da Quere Fella said, it's not gone down well with Townie Bastid!
(Eamonn steps into SatanicOstrich's reach and a magical transformation happens! behind the light show, the seal opens and a blast of flame and smoke knocks down the droid, as from the thick smoke a solitary being walks out.....
NOW ITS UP TO YOU TO FINISH THE STORY!
I have written 5 endings to this scenario in true SH Style. In addition to the Number of Pageviews, you can now go to my Twitter account @RealEnli, to cast your vote!
the options are:
- #3TicketsWORSE To deduct 5 points from my final tally
- #3TicketsBAD To Deduct 2 point from my final tally
- #3TicketsDOG To add 1 point to my final tally
- #3TicketsGOOD to add 2 point to my final tally and a following
- #3TicketsBest to add 5 points to my final tally and a following and personal thank you tweet
Thank you and Happy voting!
CREDITS
Silent Hill revelation was reviewed, edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With clips and music by
in part 1:
You're not here-Silent hill 3 soundtrack
and in part 2:
End of sanctuary-silent hill 3 soundtrack
MST3K
Silent Hill is a trademark of Konami and Silent hill revelation is distributed by Liongate. All rights reserved.
Follow me on twitter @RealEnli and don't forget to vote!
Friday, April 18, 2014
TICKET TO HELL:DamNation:Eamonn Reviews Silent Hill Revalation Part 1
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE....
Ever Since SatanicOstrich had left his thankless job as The Devil of my Universe, All Hell went loose...Literally! Without a Satan, All evil has leaked into Reality, the Only Solution?: Bring Ostrich back to Hell! Easy Right? WRONG! Since my Tussle with SatanicOstrich's forces at the 2nd 3 Tickets to Hell, I have a piece of Satanic Power lodged into my fist! It's handy cos now I can pull items from dvds as well as perform varieties of my signature Limit Break, The Hadou-kara Punch, a flameing punch to the guts, As well as teleportation. But off course there is a catch, too much negativity and I GO INSANE!)
(The Train to Hell screeched to a halt.)
Well....Here We are!
(Eamonn stepped into an ash covered street. He wiped a sign's bottom It read "STATE OF VIRGINIA")
Virginia? I thought this was Hell?
-It is. IT'S YOUR HELL!
(THE 9FT Avian stepped forward the clawed feet scraping the freshly snowed ash. He Wiped the top of the sign to reveal WELCOME TO SILENT HILL as on cue an air-raid siren bellowed overhead.)
AND NOW! THE FINAL CHAPTER OF THIS CURRENT STORYLINE AND OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
(This review's theme You're Not Here from Silent Hill 3)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZmMD84XpCs
So This is it! My fight to destroy Hell has become the fight to save it. Bookmarked by a review of silent Hill's trudge as a film franchise.
First a backstory for those who came in 2 years late...
Based on the Trouser browning Horror Game Series By Konami, The 1st movie took the entire mythos and backstory and threw it into a paper shredder, Turning it into a Fright-free Scooby-Doo episode where Radha Mitchell was chased by Papier Mache Pyramid Head back and forth before being hit with plot 10 minutes before the end credits.
AND THE PLOT WAS EVEN MORE STUPID!
As Rose's daughter was infact a piece of a dead girl killed by a stupid cult who believes that Artistic Skill is the mark of the devil!
So the cult sacrificed her to their god, who was prophesied to return. But even All-destroying Demons have standards and was angered by a child being sacrificed and Ran amuck, turning all the children into monsters and creating Freudian physical representations of fears and flaws. Oh and Sean Bean was also there!
So let's try to make sense of all this. This is Silent Hill revelation. And this is your TICKET TO HELL
We start in a nightmare sequence as a teenage girl is chased by clerics into a disturbing funfair. Between the dying goldfish &; haunted teddies, she hides on a merry-go-round manned by papier Machie Pyramid Head. On the ride that bursts into flames, are 2 Janitors changed like horses and Alessa dressed as the girl. as he sets the 2 pedophiles on fire, she warns her she can't be defeated and not to go to Silent Hill, before turning her flames onto her. She wakes as her Father (Bean) consols her...Only to be stabbed gruesomely by a Janitor!...Only that was a dream too!
Okay 5 minutes in and this is far more scarier than the first film in it's entirety...Good Job!
That morning we are told that Heather (Adelaide Clemens) was Sharon, Rose and Christopher's daughter who was kidnapped in the first film, and the part of Alessa, the sacrificed girl who was separated by the Reaper to live, Christopher, now called Harry have being moving from place to place to avoid the Order.
But what about Rose I hear you ask? From what I could gather from the ending in SH1, is that rose and Sharon escaped Silent hill, returned home but was still trapped in Otherworld. We are told that this is the case, As rose found a seal to escape but it was only small enough for a child.
But despite changing his name, Chris/Harry is still a Dick! Who tells Sharon that her mother died in an accident saving her, despite the girl holding the Missing piece of the seal the entire time, which Harry has kept for save keeping for 7 years where obviously the truth has since come out.
After meeting her class for the 1st time, we also meet Vincent Cooper who has also moved.
THIS'LL END WELL(!)
In the hallway, Heather has a flashback to Alessa's horrible childhood namely all the back-water Hillbilly children accusing her of being a witch...because she can draw well!
And no, I'm not going to get over how fucking stupid that is!
Then Sharon is sent to otherworld where the Armless Man charges but bumping into Vincent brings her back to reality. Heather seems to be followed. At the same time Harry gets kidnapped.
Heather is to meet Harry at a burger pace for her birthday. There is also a children's birthday party for 2 twins called Heather and Alessa...This sends our heroine into another Mushroom samba where all the customers are eating bloody burgers! The Man following her calls her by her birth name and she runs in terror...into Silent Hill's Butcher.
The man is a Private investigator who was hired by the Order but has a change of heart. But he's killed by...Voldo from Soul Caliber? What?
Hours pass and police find the P.I'S Body and Heather's coat, so they believe she is a suspect. She bumps into Vincent on the train home. Vincent tells her about his Crazy grandfather including the famous "they look like monsters to you?" line as a piece of foreshadowing.
Heather and Vincent return to her street where she finds that the Order has kidnapped him. A concerned Vincent heard her scream before he left. So both go through the keepsake box where Heather finds her real birthday present: A Pistol. As well as the seal she held when she escaped 7 years ago. The Police raid the house, but by now the teenagers have left the house on a rescue mission.
Stopping at a seedy motel, Heather has a nightmare of Alessa bringing decay to Silent hill. Vincent tells her not go as it's a trap, but Heather says she is sick of running. And if Alessa truly wanted a piece of her to live, she would have left her alone. Convinced that Heather is pure of heart, Vincent confesses that he is a child of the Order, he escaped by having the seal carved onto his chest by the new Order leader, his mother, Claudia(Carrie-Ann Moss). He was sent to coerce Heather to the order's teachings, but instead wants to help. Before he is kidnapped by Voldo, he states that the other seal belongs to his granddad, the dangerous Leonard Wolfe, and the Order's is to make Alessa and Heather into 1 being again, regain control of the Reaper, break the curse that binds them only to Silent hill and spread their vile doctrine to the world!
So the bad guys actually have a plan. Good Job.
(Meanwhile, 80'S Lad and Joe-Jack was using a rebuild spy-droid that was "acquired" during last years digital uprising)
Didya find an'ting interesting?
DUUUUUDDDDE! THAT IS A BIG TEN-FOUR, Culchie-Dude!
(the screen shows a close-up shot of a Nurse's chest.)
Which button is da close-up?
-don't touch the control!
-Ya Have ya Shite! Gimme that comptrolla!
(The spy droid bumped into the Nurse, who promptly smashed it with her Claw hammer)
NO SIGNAL.
TRANSMISSION ENDED.
RESUMING PROGRAMMING IN 1/5/14
Ever Since SatanicOstrich had left his thankless job as The Devil of my Universe, All Hell went loose...Literally! Without a Satan, All evil has leaked into Reality, the Only Solution?: Bring Ostrich back to Hell! Easy Right? WRONG! Since my Tussle with SatanicOstrich's forces at the 2nd 3 Tickets to Hell, I have a piece of Satanic Power lodged into my fist! It's handy cos now I can pull items from dvds as well as perform varieties of my signature Limit Break, The Hadou-kara Punch, a flameing punch to the guts, As well as teleportation. But off course there is a catch, too much negativity and I GO INSANE!)
(The Train to Hell screeched to a halt.)
Well....Here We are!
(Eamonn stepped into an ash covered street. He wiped a sign's bottom It read "STATE OF VIRGINIA")
Virginia? I thought this was Hell?
-It is. IT'S YOUR HELL!
(THE 9FT Avian stepped forward the clawed feet scraping the freshly snowed ash. He Wiped the top of the sign to reveal WELCOME TO SILENT HILL as on cue an air-raid siren bellowed overhead.)
AND NOW! THE FINAL CHAPTER OF THIS CURRENT STORYLINE AND OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
(This review's theme You're Not Here from Silent Hill 3)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZmMD84XpCs
So This is it! My fight to destroy Hell has become the fight to save it. Bookmarked by a review of silent Hill's trudge as a film franchise.
First a backstory for those who came in 2 years late...
Based on the Trouser browning Horror Game Series By Konami, The 1st movie took the entire mythos and backstory and threw it into a paper shredder, Turning it into a Fright-free Scooby-Doo episode where Radha Mitchell was chased by Papier Mache Pyramid Head back and forth before being hit with plot 10 minutes before the end credits.
AND THE PLOT WAS EVEN MORE STUPID!
As Rose's daughter was infact a piece of a dead girl killed by a stupid cult who believes that Artistic Skill is the mark of the devil!
So the cult sacrificed her to their god, who was prophesied to return. But even All-destroying Demons have standards and was angered by a child being sacrificed and Ran amuck, turning all the children into monsters and creating Freudian physical representations of fears and flaws. Oh and Sean Bean was also there!
So let's try to make sense of all this. This is Silent Hill revelation. And this is your TICKET TO HELL
We start in a nightmare sequence as a teenage girl is chased by clerics into a disturbing funfair. Between the dying goldfish &; haunted teddies, she hides on a merry-go-round manned by papier Machie Pyramid Head. On the ride that bursts into flames, are 2 Janitors changed like horses and Alessa dressed as the girl. as he sets the 2 pedophiles on fire, she warns her she can't be defeated and not to go to Silent Hill, before turning her flames onto her. She wakes as her Father (Bean) consols her...Only to be stabbed gruesomely by a Janitor!...Only that was a dream too!
Okay 5 minutes in and this is far more scarier than the first film in it's entirety...Good Job!
That morning we are told that Heather (Adelaide Clemens) was Sharon, Rose and Christopher's daughter who was kidnapped in the first film, and the part of Alessa, the sacrificed girl who was separated by the Reaper to live, Christopher, now called Harry have being moving from place to place to avoid the Order.
But what about Rose I hear you ask? From what I could gather from the ending in SH1, is that rose and Sharon escaped Silent hill, returned home but was still trapped in Otherworld. We are told that this is the case, As rose found a seal to escape but it was only small enough for a child.
But despite changing his name, Chris/Harry is still a Dick! Who tells Sharon that her mother died in an accident saving her, despite the girl holding the Missing piece of the seal the entire time, which Harry has kept for save keeping for 7 years where obviously the truth has since come out.
After meeting her class for the 1st time, we also meet Vincent Cooper who has also moved.
THIS'LL END WELL(!)
In the hallway, Heather has a flashback to Alessa's horrible childhood namely all the back-water Hillbilly children accusing her of being a witch...because she can draw well!
And no, I'm not going to get over how fucking stupid that is!
Then Sharon is sent to otherworld where the Armless Man charges but bumping into Vincent brings her back to reality. Heather seems to be followed. At the same time Harry gets kidnapped.
Heather is to meet Harry at a burger pace for her birthday. There is also a children's birthday party for 2 twins called Heather and Alessa...This sends our heroine into another Mushroom samba where all the customers are eating bloody burgers! The Man following her calls her by her birth name and she runs in terror...into Silent Hill's Butcher.
The man is a Private investigator who was hired by the Order but has a change of heart. But he's killed by...Voldo from Soul Caliber? What?
Hours pass and police find the P.I'S Body and Heather's coat, so they believe she is a suspect. She bumps into Vincent on the train home. Vincent tells her about his Crazy grandfather including the famous "they look like monsters to you?" line as a piece of foreshadowing.
Heather and Vincent return to her street where she finds that the Order has kidnapped him. A concerned Vincent heard her scream before he left. So both go through the keepsake box where Heather finds her real birthday present: A Pistol. As well as the seal she held when she escaped 7 years ago. The Police raid the house, but by now the teenagers have left the house on a rescue mission.
Stopping at a seedy motel, Heather has a nightmare of Alessa bringing decay to Silent hill. Vincent tells her not go as it's a trap, but Heather says she is sick of running. And if Alessa truly wanted a piece of her to live, she would have left her alone. Convinced that Heather is pure of heart, Vincent confesses that he is a child of the Order, he escaped by having the seal carved onto his chest by the new Order leader, his mother, Claudia(Carrie-Ann Moss). He was sent to coerce Heather to the order's teachings, but instead wants to help. Before he is kidnapped by Voldo, he states that the other seal belongs to his granddad, the dangerous Leonard Wolfe, and the Order's is to make Alessa and Heather into 1 being again, regain control of the Reaper, break the curse that binds them only to Silent hill and spread their vile doctrine to the world!
So the bad guys actually have a plan. Good Job.
(Meanwhile, 80'S Lad and Joe-Jack was using a rebuild spy-droid that was "acquired" during last years digital uprising)
Didya find an'ting interesting?
DUUUUUDDDDE! THAT IS A BIG TEN-FOUR, Culchie-Dude!
(the screen shows a close-up shot of a Nurse's chest.)
Which button is da close-up?
-don't touch the control!
-Ya Have ya Shite! Gimme that comptrolla!
(The spy droid bumped into the Nurse, who promptly smashed it with her Claw hammer)
NO SIGNAL.
TRANSMISSION ENDED.
RESUMING PROGRAMMING IN 1/5/14
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
THE CRAP FILMS OF DREW BARRYMORE: EAMONN REVIEWS 50 FIRST DATES
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
Nearly 2 years ago, Eamonn embarrassed SatanicOstrich so much he summoned a ringer from an Alternative Universe, Master Control who almost succeeded. This knock to the devil's confidence made him leave his job as king of the underworld...with devastating results! Hell, as well as fiction, is bleeding into reality. On the way to send ostrich back, Eamonn has stopped the express train to hell at a mountain range, Where a mysterious question etched in it, is slowly translating into English.)
( Eamonn looks out the window at the sacred mountain, Monks and devotees who seemingly worship the words, are total disarray many committing suicide as the words didn't mean anything about the meaning of life, It only meant something to Eamonn.)
You knew what the question was didn't you? You planted a portal here to open when someone who had my powers was in your company, didn't you?
So what is the question?
"Say do you know what time it is?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSweDq_x5p8
Yes for the first time in 2 years, It's Happy Hour again! Where we trudge waist-high into everyone's Pill-popping Boozehound back catalogue of cack.
Another actor not having much success at the moment is Adam Sandler, Whose recent films, Jack and Jill and That's My Boy, are considered by many critics to be the worst films of 2012 and 2013.
And while both actors have huge turkeys under their belts, This...is not 1 of them! Okay I will make jokes here and there but nothing extreme like the What montage in Horrid Henry.
We start with a montage of women (And Adam Sandler's Fat Man-Bitch, Kevin James) all telling their collective stories on a holiday romance with Hawaiian commit-phobe, Henry Roth (Sandler), who we cut to telling the latest bit-of-stuff that he's a secret agent.
Henry is in fact a vet at SeaWorld, treating a shark bite on a Hobo played by, you guessed it- Sandler's original Man-Bitch, Rob Schiender, who with his Hawaiian accent and Long hair, has turned into Tommy Wiseau.
After taunting the fact that one day Henry'll Settle down, He's called to save a walrus, but long story short, It an elaborate prank on a co-worker for revenge for an eaten sandwich.
Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen, A womanizer who uses animals to deal revenge for petty grudges that'll only escalate further.
Out Sailing, his ship's mast breaks like a matchstick, so he moors his boat at Oahu, While at a diner to kill time, he's drawn to a girl who seems to draw attention to herself called Lucy (Barrymore)
The next day Henry returns to the diner and chats up the quirky Art teacher. The Diner staff becomes protective of Lucy all of a sudden.
While playing golf with Ula (Schiender), Lucy turns up and blows him, but infact he knocked himself out, His sexy dream is enough to convince him not to return as falling for a local girl will cramp his style, But on a date with a tourist, he can't stop thinking of Lucy.
The Next Day Henry Learns the truth about Lucy: After a Car accident, Lucy is suffering from Short-Term Memory Loss. At the time of the accident, wouldn't It Be Nice? by the Beach Boys was playing on the radio. The song is used to donate plot-points.
So Drew Barrymore wakes up not knowing what happens the night before?
Sometimes you make it too easy!
The entire Island has conspired to Maintain the Lie that it's still October 30th 2001. Despite the fact that living on a Tourism-Dependent island, New Buildings, new people and off-course change in weather, even on Tropical Hawaii, could have raised question. But no, we are made to believe that Her father has a surplus of newspapers of the day of the accident and never once has Lucy ever watched any news programs to confirm the date. What's more heart breaking is having to paint over her artwork that she does in an attempt to cure her, Sadly she paints the same thing so it's not working.
Back in Honolulu, Robbie Wiseau, type-casted as moral less Sleazeball says Henry should go for it with Lucy, since she has a short-term memory, He can live the dream a long term, commitment free relationship. And besides Henry is leaving for Alaska it's not like he'll develop feeling for her(?)
In the next couple of days, Henry tries to re-chat-up Lucy with ridiculous lines but gets shot down every time. Until it works but doesn't give Lucy his number, this upsets Lucy and her family tells him not to go to café ever again.
Instead Henry sees her in a montage of car-stopping scenarios. Until the family finds out and tells him to come to his house.
Rather than Kicking his ass, he shows Henry That Lucy is painting a new picture singing Wouldn't It Be Nice?, so he lets Henry see her, but is not too sure on his full intentions, but if it can get his daughter cured, then why not?
Henry is now let in on the Masquerade, and good thing too, as a cop is writing Lucy a ticket for not having this year's tax. Lucy protests and taking a passerby's Newspaper to confirm the date backfires. At home, Lucy is told everything when given a scrapbook, seeing the metal plate makes her feel it as she cries in pain.
Going to the institute, We have a cameo by Dan Ackroyd as Lucy's Doctor who only serves to introduce 10-second Tom, the living Whose On First? Gag.
Henry proposes to think of another way, and that way is too SHOCK A VUNERABLE WOMAN WITH A GRAPHIC VIDEO OF HER ACCIDENT!!!...then follow it up with Henry wisecracking with Ula in Drag dressed as Lucy.
Somehow it works and it convinces her family to let her live as normal, day-to-day life, as every night they hit it off, and they take it to the next level having sex in the aquarium, As Ula nearly drown to caught a peek.
Of course, this doesn't end well when they stay the night and the next morning she wakes up screaming rape!
After watching the tape, Lucy overhears Henry's plan to go to Alaska. Despite Ula's bumbling, the ship is fixed, but Henry decides that Lucy is more important.
At work, Lucy tells Henry that she is ashamed of holding back a man who will always be a stranger, so he is breaking up with him.
Oh, The Irony Is Delicious!
So Henry sets sail, but not before her father tells Henry that Lucy is now a Patient at the Brain Trauma Centre, Listening to his gift of a beach Boy cd, he realizes that somewhere she may remember him, He finds her completely regressed but making an entire gallery of His portrait, and leaves with him. And so the film ends 10 years later into the future as Lucy wakes on the ship in Alaska, married to Henry with a daughter with her father on his crew.
THIS FILM....Doesn't suck!
Okay the structure of this film is off, no twists or antagonists, but it still works. Hawaii is a great choice as the backdrop, with it's jungles, beaches and Friendly people it makes it look like a Sugar Bowl where nothing bad happens. The Supporting Cast were great, even if they were spearheaded by Man-Bitch, most of funnier lines came from the extras, Sandler didn't rely no much on grossness to get a laugh and Barrymore kept the "quirkiness" to a minimum. Even the Trained animals were cute, showing anyone who read Zookeeper last month, that films with animal actors can work.
In closing, 50 1ST DATES:An enjoyable session of suspened Disbelief.
CREDITS
50 1ST Dates was Reviewed, edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music from:
Happy hour again by the Housemartins
50 1st dates is produced by Columbia pictures.
All Rights Reserved.
Follow me on Twitter @saveusPOE
NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE: THE FINAL CHAPTER OF THE INFERNAL LODGER STORYLINE. BY YOU'VE WORKED OUT WHAT IT IS, BUT IF YOU HAVEN'T CLICK BELOW
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMWrZmD0AN4
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Joe-Jack Reviews Zookeeper
(Since Joe-Jack is reviewing this month, as Poetic License, all spelling mistakes are intentional.)
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
Well, the fact that nothing happened after Eamonn Finished Horrid Henry is a small glimmer of Hope, That by bringing SatanicOstrich Back to hell, it will stop it colliding with Earth. So Eamonn told Joe-jack and 80's Lad to clear a path to the Train station so Ostrich could contact the Conductor so a train to hell could be sent.
....Or, At least that was the plan!)
(We open to Joe-Jack in his house eating breakfast, while outside, Hell has amassed an army.
DUDE! You think we should, like, Help Eamonn?
-FUCK'EM! It'z coz a him, da supportin' wall ov me sit room iz all broke up in shite!(See Hallowe'en special 2013-Eamonn) Besides its not dat bad!
(Eighties lad turned on the tv. A news reported showed Vikings, Huns and Nazis flooding out the Abyss. Death row convicts rising from body bags as demons, Children chasing away one creature only to run the other way, chased by Jimmy Saville!
What else is on?
(80's Lad shot him a look!)
Ah alright, Oi'll review sumpting
AND NOW, DA REAL FILM CRICKET!
(This months theme-From the soundtrack-Boston More than a feeling
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSR6ZzjDZ94
Should tv actahs be fillium actahs? Da short answah is Ya, Coz dere actahs! Dey use the same techneeks and connect wif da same audense.
On Da other hand, Kevin James, aka Adam Sandler's Fat Man-Bitch In ZooKeepah!
We Open on a Sandy beach as a horseback couple ride at sunset. Griffin (James) proposes to his girlfriend, Staphanie splits up with him because he is a zookeeper and dey don't make much money, despite the chain of lavish gifts that back fire.
5 Years Latah, A still Fat, still ugly Griffin, but with a far more flattering haircut, tries to make a gorilla suit happy by fixing a tyre swing but falls on his ass.
PRATFALL COUNTER:1
So Griffin and his new girlfriend save a lioness, choking on a can of Red bull, but not before she reveals to have a job application to go to "Nairobi, Africa"
Hey good ting ya saidz Africa, I thoughtz ya meant da Nairobi down da fecking street, so Oi did!
And not before a pratfall
PRATFALL COUNTER:2
Dat Night it's revealed that Griffins Parents were bought famous and very wealthy zoologists as the Zoo plays host to his brother, Dave, a car salesman, wedding reception. Griffin holdin' a porcupine, Spies his ex-girlfriend, who obviously has heard about Griff's new forturne, Getting flustered, the porcupine shoots it's quills while all around, the animals perk their ears and listen.
When all da humans leave, the animals plot t'help Griffin but agree not reveal dat dey can talk.
Dere plan iz to fake an animal attack on Stephanie, But Griff's Heroic Entry comes up short
PRATFALL COUNTER:3
Angry, the animals break their own oath, revealing they can talk, naturally Griffin puts it down to stress, But when the Lion threatens Him, he runs into an Iron bar.
PRATFALL COUNTER:4
So da animals phottoshopped into a circle (some don't even have shadows to convince us that it's real!) Tell Griffin to win Stephanie back (as animals don't seem to understand human relationships) They will give him relationship advice. The animals in question? Bears, Lions, Wolves, Apes, Elephants and Giraffes)
So Griffy-Boy Will impress Da Ladies by:
Turns out t'be quite tame, first the bears teaches him a confident walk, wif da runnin' joke being gettin' caught by zoo visitahs every tiome!
Bernie Da gorilla tells Griffin dat he is cruelly looked aftah by Shane. But Nevah mind Dat, Letz have a wolf teach Kevin James how to piss! Now you would tink no-one would tak' the advice of Pissing to attract a female, But we see him the next scene, Pissin' in a bush, in a four star hotel no less!
So as he goes up to Stephanie, dis being an Adam Sandler or his Man-bitches rom-com, enter Unlikable Elitist Prick in Gale, a body-obsessed athlete. It's obvious Dat Steph is playin' 1 again' d'other, but Jaysus, Isn't our hero da 1 takin' advice from animals?
So Griff is late for a bike outin'. Da only bike left is a Big-Wheel, So he uses it in an attempt to impress Steph.
I bet dis ends in a prat-fall.
Course I'm right!
PRATFALL COUNTER:5
But Steph, being a 2 timin' whore is back with Gale.
So the Lioness says to make Steph Jealous, go with someone else, So he asks Kate out, It's also the Gorilla's Birthday so Griffin Tak's him out to a Rest-Your-Aunt.
It's da night of da weddin' An' Mister-Know-It-All Gale invites steph to dance to what was Griffs and stephs "our" song. Offended, Griffin ropes kate onto the dance floor, so they do a "curtain dance" with Griffin. Endin' with Griffin swingin' out of control and knocking down his brother's bride
PRATFALL COUNTER: 7
So the animals next plan is have Griff insult and compliment Steph in equal measure. It works, But not before it became obvious that She's after his money and Kate has fallen for Griffin.
So Griffin has sold out, and Became a car salesman, with Steph spending his inheritance left and right. Griff Later has second thoughts and Stands up Steph exactly like she did 5 yar ago. He leaves to confess his love to Kate but she leaves fer Africa tonight.
So Chase scene, Love Confession, Tired Be Yourself Moral and we are Done.
Zookeepah is bad, but compared to what we reviewed dis Year, Not without it's moments. It's a weak premise, that's being done before and whole lot better.
CREDITZ
Zookeepah woz reviewed be JOE-JACK AND ONLY JOE-JACK!
Wif music from
Boston-more dan a feeelin'
Film was made be Columbia Pictures, All rightz reserved so Don't sue me fer saying ya film woz shite!
Follah dat Know-It-all Townie Eamonn on dat Twitbook @saveusPOE
NEXT WEEK: DA CRAP FILLIUMS OV DREW BARRYMORE: 50 FIRST DATES.
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
Well, the fact that nothing happened after Eamonn Finished Horrid Henry is a small glimmer of Hope, That by bringing SatanicOstrich Back to hell, it will stop it colliding with Earth. So Eamonn told Joe-jack and 80's Lad to clear a path to the Train station so Ostrich could contact the Conductor so a train to hell could be sent.
....Or, At least that was the plan!)
(We open to Joe-Jack in his house eating breakfast, while outside, Hell has amassed an army.
DUDE! You think we should, like, Help Eamonn?
-FUCK'EM! It'z coz a him, da supportin' wall ov me sit room iz all broke up in shite!(See Hallowe'en special 2013-Eamonn) Besides its not dat bad!
(Eighties lad turned on the tv. A news reported showed Vikings, Huns and Nazis flooding out the Abyss. Death row convicts rising from body bags as demons, Children chasing away one creature only to run the other way, chased by Jimmy Saville!
What else is on?
(80's Lad shot him a look!)
Ah alright, Oi'll review sumpting
AND NOW, DA REAL FILM CRICKET!
(This months theme-From the soundtrack-Boston More than a feeling
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSR6ZzjDZ94
Should tv actahs be fillium actahs? Da short answah is Ya, Coz dere actahs! Dey use the same techneeks and connect wif da same audense.
On Da other hand, Kevin James, aka Adam Sandler's Fat Man-Bitch In ZooKeepah!
We Open on a Sandy beach as a horseback couple ride at sunset. Griffin (James) proposes to his girlfriend, Staphanie splits up with him because he is a zookeeper and dey don't make much money, despite the chain of lavish gifts that back fire.
5 Years Latah, A still Fat, still ugly Griffin, but with a far more flattering haircut, tries to make a gorilla suit happy by fixing a tyre swing but falls on his ass.
PRATFALL COUNTER:1
So Griffin and his new girlfriend save a lioness, choking on a can of Red bull, but not before she reveals to have a job application to go to "Nairobi, Africa"
Hey good ting ya saidz Africa, I thoughtz ya meant da Nairobi down da fecking street, so Oi did!
And not before a pratfall
PRATFALL COUNTER:2
Dat Night it's revealed that Griffins Parents were bought famous and very wealthy zoologists as the Zoo plays host to his brother, Dave, a car salesman, wedding reception. Griffin holdin' a porcupine, Spies his ex-girlfriend, who obviously has heard about Griff's new forturne, Getting flustered, the porcupine shoots it's quills while all around, the animals perk their ears and listen.
When all da humans leave, the animals plot t'help Griffin but agree not reveal dat dey can talk.
Dere plan iz to fake an animal attack on Stephanie, But Griff's Heroic Entry comes up short
PRATFALL COUNTER:3
Angry, the animals break their own oath, revealing they can talk, naturally Griffin puts it down to stress, But when the Lion threatens Him, he runs into an Iron bar.
PRATFALL COUNTER:4
So da animals phottoshopped into a circle (some don't even have shadows to convince us that it's real!) Tell Griffin to win Stephanie back (as animals don't seem to understand human relationships) They will give him relationship advice. The animals in question? Bears, Lions, Wolves, Apes, Elephants and Giraffes)
So Griffy-Boy Will impress Da Ladies by:
- Wrestlin' Love Rivals (bears)
- Killin' her kids to get her in heat (lions)
- Threaten Love Rivals intah performin' acts of Homosexuality on him. (Apes, especially Chimps)
- And show fitness by pissin' and pooin' in front of her! (Giraffes the former, elephants the latter)
Turns out t'be quite tame, first the bears teaches him a confident walk, wif da runnin' joke being gettin' caught by zoo visitahs every tiome!
Bernie Da gorilla tells Griffin dat he is cruelly looked aftah by Shane. But Nevah mind Dat, Letz have a wolf teach Kevin James how to piss! Now you would tink no-one would tak' the advice of Pissing to attract a female, But we see him the next scene, Pissin' in a bush, in a four star hotel no less!
So as he goes up to Stephanie, dis being an Adam Sandler or his Man-bitches rom-com, enter Unlikable Elitist Prick in Gale, a body-obsessed athlete. It's obvious Dat Steph is playin' 1 again' d'other, but Jaysus, Isn't our hero da 1 takin' advice from animals?
So Griff is late for a bike outin'. Da only bike left is a Big-Wheel, So he uses it in an attempt to impress Steph.
I bet dis ends in a prat-fall.
Course I'm right!
PRATFALL COUNTER:5
But Steph, being a 2 timin' whore is back with Gale.
So the Lioness says to make Steph Jealous, go with someone else, So he asks Kate out, It's also the Gorilla's Birthday so Griffin Tak's him out to a Rest-Your-Aunt.
It's da night of da weddin' An' Mister-Know-It-All Gale invites steph to dance to what was Griffs and stephs "our" song. Offended, Griffin ropes kate onto the dance floor, so they do a "curtain dance" with Griffin. Endin' with Griffin swingin' out of control and knocking down his brother's bride
PRATFALL COUNTER: 7
So the animals next plan is have Griff insult and compliment Steph in equal measure. It works, But not before it became obvious that She's after his money and Kate has fallen for Griffin.
So Griffin has sold out, and Became a car salesman, with Steph spending his inheritance left and right. Griff Later has second thoughts and Stands up Steph exactly like she did 5 yar ago. He leaves to confess his love to Kate but she leaves fer Africa tonight.
So Chase scene, Love Confession, Tired Be Yourself Moral and we are Done.
Zookeepah is bad, but compared to what we reviewed dis Year, Not without it's moments. It's a weak premise, that's being done before and whole lot better.
CREDITZ
Zookeepah woz reviewed be JOE-JACK AND ONLY JOE-JACK!
Wif music from
Boston-more dan a feeelin'
Film was made be Columbia Pictures, All rightz reserved so Don't sue me fer saying ya film woz shite!
Follah dat Know-It-all Townie Eamonn on dat Twitbook @saveusPOE
NEXT WEEK: DA CRAP FILLIUMS OV DREW BARRYMORE: 50 FIRST DATES.
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Eamonn Reviews Horrid Henry Part 2,blood!
(Before I go on, there's a lot of references that lots of Americans and others won't get so here's some notes
So his plan is to pay off the inspectors so Ashton Park can be closed down and people would pay money for his exclusive Institute, Despite the fact he'll only make a small bit of money, as we will get to later. His Plan to get Ashton Park to close? Booby trap the class he doesn't belong in...brilliant!
Turns out to be a Batman Gambit, with Headmistress Oddbod busy and Soggy Sid, the P.E. Teacher, not being an actual teacher (you're not P.E. Teachers of the world, get over it!), The only other teacher is this giant shed with windows called ashton Park is the kindergarten teacher miss Lovely. so the older children must sit with boys who might as well be the children who failed the audition for the part of Perfect peter. The Inspectors Plant a pot of goo in Henry's Bag. when Henry and Margaret tussle over the bag because... why not? they need to move the story along, the Jar flies out, unscrews it's lid. and it the time it took for anyone with common sense to get out of the way, it lands on the hapless teacher.
Upset, Lovely quits her job. And rather than say expelling the suspected little shit, Oddbod Bans Harry Chav and the Chavtones from the Battle Of the bands.
And it doesn't end. The torture that is. As we are introduced to more of Henry's extended family, Rich Aunt Rita, Her daughter Prissy Polly (Played by Kimberly Walsh), her baby daughter Vomiting Vera and Rita's son, Stuck-up Stephen.
But Listening to his voice, he should be called Camp Cameron or Takesitupthe Jacksie! The ponce takes over the TV, As Henry is not let to watch a PLOT POINT! game show in favour of a Stock Market show for kids.
OKAY TIME OUT!
I Know this is not based on reality, but what is the point of having this? Are you making a point that some children grow up too soon? Are you saying that Upper class children are weaned to be successful at a young age? Or Am I right in saying you just did this to make another unlikable character? The only character that is likable so-far is Miss Battleaxe and she was wrongly fired for trying doing her job!
After Dad eats a vommed on sandwich, Rita tells Mum that Brick House, The Evil Expensive School Of Evil, has an Open day and free scholarship for Ashton's Brightest, athletic or musically gifted children.
Well Henry is fucked.
Or need I remind you of his "singing"
Next scene and Dad gets a phone call from his Great Aunt Gretta, who's convinced Henry is a girl, has solved his schooling problem:
ENROLL "HENRIETTA" INTO AN ALL GIRL SCHOOL!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bzB2N9xnJk
Do you honestly not live in the real world, Francesca Simon? I think the school would have sent a representative to their home address to get their details, not only where they live, but as a background check of the new student, And that means that Van Wrinkles' plan to monopolises the entire school system in Ashton, has already failed as St Giddiantus is a more reputable school, is also in town, Why didn't he destroy the reputation of this school and get the money from the parents of these Posh children and solely start on the 2-room shed full of Chavs and Ill Children?
THAT'S IT I'M HAVING A BREAKDOWN!
CUE THE BREAKDOWN NATIONAL ANTHEM!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btEpF334Rtc
So without even consoling a single teacher, staff member, or reasonable adult, An abandoned Henry and Margaret are chased out of GiddiAuntus, but not before Henry hallucinates a silhouette of Battleaxe who chastises him for being an idiot!
Yeah, Henry, you should stop usin' dat M-CAT, INNIT?
To escape, Margaret dresses Henry in a pinafore and a stack of coats and hats.
PLOT POINT!
After Henry escapes the only place with people with accents posher than his, Peter arrives at Brick House and is happy to see Ms Lovely is the newly appointed Junior Teacher, whom Peter fancies.
NERD!
At the open day steve introduces Britain's got Talent Rejects to shave worthless screen-time as a boy does soccor skills. And Peter sings Frere Jacques in a Country Western Style. The more impatient of you would ask "why are you telling me this?", It's a distraction while Lovely investigates why she saw the inspectors. Van Wrinkle finds Lovely and Kidnaps her
So the Purple Hand (Rared)s Try to think of a plan (Yeah, play to your strengths!)
In the end they decide to get back into the talent contest to win the money to save the school. (Again play to your strengths)
So using the Giddiantus coats and hats that Margaret stole, Harry Chav and Chavtones win the talent show (how?) to no avail, Ashton Park is still closing down.
If only there was a hastily written, badly paced finale, that tries to use long forgotten plot-points to resolve the story!
How about being invited to a Game show Hosted by Prick and Gom? As the Real life children's tv hosts Rub and Gyrate on each other and calls each other "dearie" and "Duckie" (Plus I find it ironic that film based on a CITV cartoon has CBBC Presenters in it.)
So let's finish this once and for all!
Henry solves Maths problems, has his hamster eat a bowl of vegetable stew, Peter and his best boys are captured by Van Wrinkle, Henry uses his Magnetic yoyo to escape Asylumesque CGI Vomit, Finally spells Homework in front of Battle-Axe, Lovely tricks Vic into confessing into a mobile, Henry wins the cash prize, Battleaxe reveals she won the gameshow also (as evidenced by the broach she picked up earlier.) But with Ashton Park saved, Henry has only 1 thing he wants to use the money on, as the credits reveals he has emancipated from his parents to live in a mansion.
So he's rich and stupid, except with his 4th class education, FAR much smarter than any of the KarTRASHians!
THIS FILM SUCKS!
So the Horrid Henry books may have sold as many as Potter, but don't expect 9 sequels! An Audience demeaning script, coupled with a universe with no nods to reality, Terrible Acting, Worse Singing, Hateable characters, especially the adults. I was shocked that Lotto Money went into paying for this Bank Holiday Bull Plop! Money, that could have being used to save some one's life! Instead used on a child in a curly wig singing Frere Jacques in a country western style!
In Short: Horrid Henry: IT'S SHITE!
PURE 100% UNMITIGATED SHITE!
CREDITS
Horrid Henry: the Movie was Reviewed, edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With clips from:
In Part 1
Horrid Henry
and in Part 2
WWE RAW
WWE SMACKDOWN
And Music
"Combine Harvester" by the Wurzels
Horrid Henry is property of Novelle Entertainment
All clips belong to their respective owners.
All Rights Reserved.
Follow me on twitter @saveusPOE
NEXT MONTH: ZOOKEEPER
- St Giddiantus is a Corruption to the exclamation "oh, my giddy aunt". I use a similar word. "FUCK!"
- 2 cool 4 School is probably a reference to Knightmare, which is why a super-hard children's game show is not surprising. but no-one is stupid enough to give children cash money, the actual prize on Knightmare was a silver ornament.
- Prick N' Gom is my name for Dick and Dom. Richard McCourt and Dominic Wood are Britain's second best Double act. They're the guys you get if you can't afford Ant N' Dec, but don't wan't to cheapen values by getting Sam and Mark. They are so camp towards each other, and keep their personal lives to themselves, which is fine, but it hasn't stop slashficcers!
- A Gom is yet another Irish word for an idiot! Eskimos have 50 words for snow, we have that many for an idiot!)
So his plan is to pay off the inspectors so Ashton Park can be closed down and people would pay money for his exclusive Institute, Despite the fact he'll only make a small bit of money, as we will get to later. His Plan to get Ashton Park to close? Booby trap the class he doesn't belong in...brilliant!
Turns out to be a Batman Gambit, with Headmistress Oddbod busy and Soggy Sid, the P.E. Teacher, not being an actual teacher (you're not P.E. Teachers of the world, get over it!), The only other teacher is this giant shed with windows called ashton Park is the kindergarten teacher miss Lovely. so the older children must sit with boys who might as well be the children who failed the audition for the part of Perfect peter. The Inspectors Plant a pot of goo in Henry's Bag. when Henry and Margaret tussle over the bag because... why not? they need to move the story along, the Jar flies out, unscrews it's lid. and it the time it took for anyone with common sense to get out of the way, it lands on the hapless teacher.
Upset, Lovely quits her job. And rather than say expelling the suspected little shit, Oddbod Bans Harry Chav and the Chavtones from the Battle Of the bands.
And it doesn't end. The torture that is. As we are introduced to more of Henry's extended family, Rich Aunt Rita, Her daughter Prissy Polly (Played by Kimberly Walsh), her baby daughter Vomiting Vera and Rita's son, Stuck-up Stephen.
But Listening to his voice, he should be called Camp Cameron or Takesitupthe Jacksie! The ponce takes over the TV, As Henry is not let to watch a PLOT POINT! game show in favour of a Stock Market show for kids.
OKAY TIME OUT!
I Know this is not based on reality, but what is the point of having this? Are you making a point that some children grow up too soon? Are you saying that Upper class children are weaned to be successful at a young age? Or Am I right in saying you just did this to make another unlikable character? The only character that is likable so-far is Miss Battleaxe and she was wrongly fired for trying doing her job!
After Dad eats a vommed on sandwich, Rita tells Mum that Brick House, The Evil Expensive School Of Evil, has an Open day and free scholarship for Ashton's Brightest, athletic or musically gifted children.
Well Henry is fucked.
Or need I remind you of his "singing"
Next scene and Dad gets a phone call from his Great Aunt Gretta, who's convinced Henry is a girl, has solved his schooling problem:
ENROLL "HENRIETTA" INTO AN ALL GIRL SCHOOL!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bzB2N9xnJk
Do you honestly not live in the real world, Francesca Simon? I think the school would have sent a representative to their home address to get their details, not only where they live, but as a background check of the new student, And that means that Van Wrinkles' plan to monopolises the entire school system in Ashton, has already failed as St Giddiantus is a more reputable school, is also in town, Why didn't he destroy the reputation of this school and get the money from the parents of these Posh children and solely start on the 2-room shed full of Chavs and Ill Children?
THAT'S IT I'M HAVING A BREAKDOWN!
CUE THE BREAKDOWN NATIONAL ANTHEM!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btEpF334Rtc
So without even consoling a single teacher, staff member, or reasonable adult, An abandoned Henry and Margaret are chased out of GiddiAuntus, but not before Henry hallucinates a silhouette of Battleaxe who chastises him for being an idiot!
Yeah, Henry, you should stop usin' dat M-CAT, INNIT?
To escape, Margaret dresses Henry in a pinafore and a stack of coats and hats.
PLOT POINT!
After Henry escapes the only place with people with accents posher than his, Peter arrives at Brick House and is happy to see Ms Lovely is the newly appointed Junior Teacher, whom Peter fancies.
NERD!
At the open day steve introduces Britain's got Talent Rejects to shave worthless screen-time as a boy does soccor skills. And Peter sings Frere Jacques in a Country Western Style. The more impatient of you would ask "why are you telling me this?", It's a distraction while Lovely investigates why she saw the inspectors. Van Wrinkle finds Lovely and Kidnaps her
So the Purple Hand (Rared)s Try to think of a plan (Yeah, play to your strengths!)
In the end they decide to get back into the talent contest to win the money to save the school. (Again play to your strengths)
So using the Giddiantus coats and hats that Margaret stole, Harry Chav and Chavtones win the talent show (how?) to no avail, Ashton Park is still closing down.
If only there was a hastily written, badly paced finale, that tries to use long forgotten plot-points to resolve the story!
How about being invited to a Game show Hosted by Prick and Gom? As the Real life children's tv hosts Rub and Gyrate on each other and calls each other "dearie" and "Duckie" (Plus I find it ironic that film based on a CITV cartoon has CBBC Presenters in it.)
So let's finish this once and for all!
Henry solves Maths problems, has his hamster eat a bowl of vegetable stew, Peter and his best boys are captured by Van Wrinkle, Henry uses his Magnetic yoyo to escape Asylumesque CGI Vomit, Finally spells Homework in front of Battle-Axe, Lovely tricks Vic into confessing into a mobile, Henry wins the cash prize, Battleaxe reveals she won the gameshow also (as evidenced by the broach she picked up earlier.) But with Ashton Park saved, Henry has only 1 thing he wants to use the money on, as the credits reveals he has emancipated from his parents to live in a mansion.
So he's rich and stupid, except with his 4th class education, FAR much smarter than any of the KarTRASHians!
THIS FILM SUCKS!
So the Horrid Henry books may have sold as many as Potter, but don't expect 9 sequels! An Audience demeaning script, coupled with a universe with no nods to reality, Terrible Acting, Worse Singing, Hateable characters, especially the adults. I was shocked that Lotto Money went into paying for this Bank Holiday Bull Plop! Money, that could have being used to save some one's life! Instead used on a child in a curly wig singing Frere Jacques in a country western style!
In Short: Horrid Henry: IT'S SHITE!
PURE 100% UNMITIGATED SHITE!
CREDITS
Horrid Henry: the Movie was Reviewed, edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With clips from:
In Part 1
Horrid Henry
and in Part 2
WWE RAW
WWE SMACKDOWN
And Music
"Combine Harvester" by the Wurzels
Horrid Henry is property of Novelle Entertainment
All clips belong to their respective owners.
All Rights Reserved.
Follow me on twitter @saveusPOE
NEXT MONTH: ZOOKEEPER
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Eamonn reviews Horrid Henry Part 1, Innit?
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
Unfortunately for the Human Race, Last months review of Norbit only serve to Strengthen The SatanicEamonn, Born out of then scrap of Satanic Power in his fist, But just as it seemed like all was lost, Joe-jack produced the Power Diamonds (See Magic Roundabout review, March 2013-Editor) out of storage. The 3 gemstones that boast unfathomable capabilities, Excorised the Satanic out of Eamonn, but the cunning creature teleported into a Dvd. Freed form this Malefice, but with Diminished powers, Eamonn concluded with Joe-Jack and 80's Lad that SatanicOstrich must return to his thankless job as Lord of the dahmed,)
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
(SIGH)
Well, if you thought that I should Affirm cause and effect by reviewing something good and stop the Earth colliding with Hell, I hate to disappoint but here's a review of film I mentioned in my Thunderpants review as being shite.
But before I go on, I am Aware that more International readers are turning up since I joined TGWTG, So some British things will be completely lost in translation. I'll be doing this for part 2, when Plot-points like this turn up there.
First some background on the source material.
Despite not as famous as Potter worldwide, The Horrid Henry Books had made their author Francesca Simon the second richest children's Writer in Britain today...
...Because her books are Dirt cheap!
Horrid Henry books are not sold in bookshops in town centres, they are sold in supermarkets, grocers and newsagents and petrol stations. The only people buying Horrid Henry books are Chav parents who throw this pulp fiction at their kids when they are failing badly at the school.
But What about the books themselves what are they like, Well I can only describe them as "Just William for the Modern Age...If William happens to be 1 of those kids on Beyond Scared Straight!
But enough Stalling, Let's Dig into a Waste of the British Lottery's Prize Money and mourn the corrupted minds of youth, This is Horrid Henry, innit?
We start in An Imagination Spot as the eponymous Henry (Theo Stephenson) is spying on the girl's Club members, Singing Soraya, Sour Susan and Moody Margaret.
I must Point out that every character here shares Alliteration made of character Trait/Flaw + Middle class Name. so Henry uses his magnetic Yoyo to steal a box of Hobblers biscuits. As he starts to enjoy his mother shout at him to do his homework, Nice convincing wig by the way(!)
So Henry and his annoying RP voice, Just the accent you'd expect from the saviour of Literacy(!) introduces us to his homelife, His Classically trained musician brother Perfect Peter, the apple of his useless Blame-shifting parents eyes. But Henry has dreams of Musical Grandeur Too. He dreams of becoming a rockstar, by bursting into a Middle Class Rap!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWfHmYBKCdY
FAST FORWARD BUTTON!
After his parents destroy his homework copy, Henry introduces us to friends, the equally chavvy Rude Ralph, the OCD-laden Aerobic Al, the uninspired name of Brainy Brian and the school idiot (which is really saying much, you'll know why In a minute!) Beefy Bert.
Beefy!
BERT!
I suppose Retarded Reginald would cut to close to the knuckle.
...Together with the Bi-polar Weepin' William they are the dreaded ...Purple Hand Gang.
(sniggers, then Bursts out laughing!)
Seriously Miz Simon, could you not think of a better name? All I can say is that the Ginyu Force, The teletubbies, Barney's Backyard Gang and even Binky Barnes could kick these guys asses!
So Henry gets detention for having no homework and for writing a fake excuse note. Ms Battleaxe, (Played by Angie Houston) makes Henry spell the word "work" out loud. When he gets it wrong, she gives him a Reason You Suck Speech about never doing any work, which is to why he can't spell it!
(sigh...0
I know your Heart is in the right place, Miss Battleaxe, but giving that these and including the younger children in Peter's class are the only children in this school, makes me think that this is, infact, 1 of those horrible Thachterite Free Schools I heard so much about. And besides, your class only intelligent student is hanging with 4 criminally able children, a retard, a boy with OCD, A girl who uncontrollably sings, a bipolar boy and a FRIKKING Narcoleptic, lovingly called "Lazy Linda". I think one of your students not being able to spell is the least of your problems!
And I'm Right! The headmistress Miss Oddbod (what horrible names-oh and played by Prunella Scales) tells Ms Battleaxe that the School Inspectors are visiting.
FORESHADOWING!
So after a cameo from Jo Brand, A poster in Oddbod's Office tell us that a battle of the bands is being held by Rock Wild Child (or "wild" in terms of this film, as All the music sound like McBusted!) Ed Banger, lead singer of Killer Boy Ratz (Played by Noel Fielding) on the exact day the inspectors come to visit.
I smell shenanigans! I also smell something else!
So Henry wants to enter his Autistic Spectrum Gang into the Talent Competition and Joy of Joys, I have to listen to Shephanson sing again!
So after a crappy song and defying the law of gravity for a matrix Pose, Oddbod gives him a telling off.
Speaking of Defying the Laws of Physics, after school Margaret and Henry ambush each other with Cartoon Physics, Disappearing behind lampposts and delaying drop rates and the like. This is why I called them,Ralph and Susan, "criminally able" as if they were smarter those powers would be put to murderous use!
It's also revealed that the little chavling has a pet...hamster.
Not a Staffy. or a pitbull. or even a parrot that says FUCK OFF! on command, no, a hamster which is good to know as it's a PLOT POINT!
After a song about being King, Perfect Peter narks on his brother.
AND THEN!
THIS HAPPENS!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I57SHJK1qNM
"Help me! I'm being attacked by things out of Jimmy's Head!"
The Next Day Margaret plans her revenge by using the tried and Failed bucket Prank. After miss battleaxe enters first as Henry was late, the Paint fell on her. Naturally the Fault shifts onto Henry who clearly must have feigned being drove by his dad and set up a trap that would not be tampered by any janitor or cleaning staff in the 8 hours that the school was closed. Did the creators actually go to a working class school or are the as stupid as the parents who buy the children the source material?
So Oddbod fires Battleaxe and for the first time in the 4 and a half pages of notes that made this review, Henry has a twinge of guilt. Opening a drawer, A broach picked up by Battleaxe makes her draw a Crafty smile.
The firing of Miss battleaxe is enough to be pit on the news and also introduces rival headmaster Vic Van Wrinkle (Richard E Grant)
Richard E grant is in this film, Do I have to tell you that this wonderful Ham is the Villain?
END OF PART 1.
What Evil plan does van wrinkle have for henry? what was the broach battleaxe picked up? And will the world actually end if Eamonn finishs this review? find out in part 2 in February. Only on bogger box office!
Unfortunately for the Human Race, Last months review of Norbit only serve to Strengthen The SatanicEamonn, Born out of then scrap of Satanic Power in his fist, But just as it seemed like all was lost, Joe-jack produced the Power Diamonds (See Magic Roundabout review, March 2013-Editor) out of storage. The 3 gemstones that boast unfathomable capabilities, Excorised the Satanic out of Eamonn, but the cunning creature teleported into a Dvd. Freed form this Malefice, but with Diminished powers, Eamonn concluded with Joe-Jack and 80's Lad that SatanicOstrich must return to his thankless job as Lord of the dahmed,)
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
(SIGH)
Well, if you thought that I should Affirm cause and effect by reviewing something good and stop the Earth colliding with Hell, I hate to disappoint but here's a review of film I mentioned in my Thunderpants review as being shite.
But before I go on, I am Aware that more International readers are turning up since I joined TGWTG, So some British things will be completely lost in translation. I'll be doing this for part 2, when Plot-points like this turn up there.
- A chav is a slang word for a youth or teenage criminal or at least an undesirable. In British Film they are satirically dressed in tracksuits, High end Runners, Gold Jewellery and will probably wear 1 garment that has the Burberry tartan.
- RP (Received Pronunciation) is the accent many think of when they think of English. it's also known as Queen's English, That posh accent to many people.
- Hobblers may refer to Hob-Nobs, a brand of oat biscuits. They never came In metal tins, however!
- The Conservative Party's Free school scheme came into scrutiny at time of writing, when it was revealed that the students of 1 school was not reaching the standard. But that's what happens when you hire Adults with free time, instead of actual teachers! 1 school was even ran by a Defrocked Priest, An Army Recruiter, A cult and the school lab was used in making meth!
- A"Staffy" is short for Staffordshire Terrier, the long forgotten breed became a stature piece in Chav Culture.
First some background on the source material.
Despite not as famous as Potter worldwide, The Horrid Henry Books had made their author Francesca Simon the second richest children's Writer in Britain today...
...Because her books are Dirt cheap!
Horrid Henry books are not sold in bookshops in town centres, they are sold in supermarkets, grocers and newsagents and petrol stations. The only people buying Horrid Henry books are Chav parents who throw this pulp fiction at their kids when they are failing badly at the school.
But What about the books themselves what are they like, Well I can only describe them as "Just William for the Modern Age...If William happens to be 1 of those kids on Beyond Scared Straight!
But enough Stalling, Let's Dig into a Waste of the British Lottery's Prize Money and mourn the corrupted minds of youth, This is Horrid Henry, innit?
We start in An Imagination Spot as the eponymous Henry (Theo Stephenson) is spying on the girl's Club members, Singing Soraya, Sour Susan and Moody Margaret.
I must Point out that every character here shares Alliteration made of character Trait/Flaw + Middle class Name. so Henry uses his magnetic Yoyo to steal a box of Hobblers biscuits. As he starts to enjoy his mother shout at him to do his homework, Nice convincing wig by the way(!)
So Henry and his annoying RP voice, Just the accent you'd expect from the saviour of Literacy(!) introduces us to his homelife, His Classically trained musician brother Perfect Peter, the apple of his useless Blame-shifting parents eyes. But Henry has dreams of Musical Grandeur Too. He dreams of becoming a rockstar, by bursting into a Middle Class Rap!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWfHmYBKCdY
FAST FORWARD BUTTON!
After his parents destroy his homework copy, Henry introduces us to friends, the equally chavvy Rude Ralph, the OCD-laden Aerobic Al, the uninspired name of Brainy Brian and the school idiot (which is really saying much, you'll know why In a minute!) Beefy Bert.
Beefy!
BERT!
I suppose Retarded Reginald would cut to close to the knuckle.
...Together with the Bi-polar Weepin' William they are the dreaded ...Purple Hand Gang.
(sniggers, then Bursts out laughing!)
Seriously Miz Simon, could you not think of a better name? All I can say is that the Ginyu Force, The teletubbies, Barney's Backyard Gang and even Binky Barnes could kick these guys asses!
So Henry gets detention for having no homework and for writing a fake excuse note. Ms Battleaxe, (Played by Angie Houston) makes Henry spell the word "work" out loud. When he gets it wrong, she gives him a Reason You Suck Speech about never doing any work, which is to why he can't spell it!
(sigh...0
I know your Heart is in the right place, Miss Battleaxe, but giving that these and including the younger children in Peter's class are the only children in this school, makes me think that this is, infact, 1 of those horrible Thachterite Free Schools I heard so much about. And besides, your class only intelligent student is hanging with 4 criminally able children, a retard, a boy with OCD, A girl who uncontrollably sings, a bipolar boy and a FRIKKING Narcoleptic, lovingly called "Lazy Linda". I think one of your students not being able to spell is the least of your problems!
And I'm Right! The headmistress Miss Oddbod (what horrible names-oh and played by Prunella Scales) tells Ms Battleaxe that the School Inspectors are visiting.
FORESHADOWING!
So after a cameo from Jo Brand, A poster in Oddbod's Office tell us that a battle of the bands is being held by Rock Wild Child (or "wild" in terms of this film, as All the music sound like McBusted!) Ed Banger, lead singer of Killer Boy Ratz (Played by Noel Fielding) on the exact day the inspectors come to visit.
I smell shenanigans! I also smell something else!
So Henry wants to enter his Autistic Spectrum Gang into the Talent Competition and Joy of Joys, I have to listen to Shephanson sing again!
So after a crappy song and defying the law of gravity for a matrix Pose, Oddbod gives him a telling off.
Speaking of Defying the Laws of Physics, after school Margaret and Henry ambush each other with Cartoon Physics, Disappearing behind lampposts and delaying drop rates and the like. This is why I called them,Ralph and Susan, "criminally able" as if they were smarter those powers would be put to murderous use!
It's also revealed that the little chavling has a pet...hamster.
Not a Staffy. or a pitbull. or even a parrot that says FUCK OFF! on command, no, a hamster which is good to know as it's a PLOT POINT!
After a song about being King, Perfect Peter narks on his brother.
AND THEN!
THIS HAPPENS!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I57SHJK1qNM
"Help me! I'm being attacked by things out of Jimmy's Head!"
The Next Day Margaret plans her revenge by using the tried and Failed bucket Prank. After miss battleaxe enters first as Henry was late, the Paint fell on her. Naturally the Fault shifts onto Henry who clearly must have feigned being drove by his dad and set up a trap that would not be tampered by any janitor or cleaning staff in the 8 hours that the school was closed. Did the creators actually go to a working class school or are the as stupid as the parents who buy the children the source material?
So Oddbod fires Battleaxe and for the first time in the 4 and a half pages of notes that made this review, Henry has a twinge of guilt. Opening a drawer, A broach picked up by Battleaxe makes her draw a Crafty smile.
The firing of Miss battleaxe is enough to be pit on the news and also introduces rival headmaster Vic Van Wrinkle (Richard E Grant)
Richard E grant is in this film, Do I have to tell you that this wonderful Ham is the Villain?
END OF PART 1.
What Evil plan does van wrinkle have for henry? what was the broach battleaxe picked up? And will the world actually end if Eamonn finishs this review? find out in part 2 in February. Only on bogger box office!
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Eamonn Reviews Norbit
(Previously On Bogger Box Office...
Ever since SatanicOstrich Quit his Job as the Devil, The fabric of the Universe has being thinner than a wet Kleenex! Not helped by Eamonn the only other Being Cursed with Satanic Power Turning Fully Satanic by A Devil's DVD and used his reality warping powers at the Multiverse Switchyard to redirect all the trains to Hell, In an effort to start 3 Tickets to Hell Early.)
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION...
(This month's theme, from the soundtrack but muffled by the sound quality,
Sean Paul-Temperature http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dW2MmuA1nI4
Well,here it is.
The Shitstopper, The theft of Enjoyment. A film so Horrible, Most Film-Maker Classes have a chapter of this film under the Title of "Don't Do This!"
The sooner you scroll down, the sooner you finish!
We open in 1968 as Norbit Rice(Eddie Murphy) recants his life as an orphan, as he says he hoped his parents took all the pros and cons into Parenthood, We are Shown that he was thrown from a moving car!
Wow Brian Robbins, You know how to keep it classy in your Screenplays Don't you?
So Norbit was raised by Mr Wong (Also Murphy!) As the orphanage was also a restaurant which means we can have Child Labour and Child Endangerment jokes as well as Murphy dressed as an Asian calling Norbit a "UGRY BRACK CHIRD" every second.
Norbit has always being in love with a girl called Kate (later played as an adult by Thandie Newton).Until she was adopted.
In 1977, a bullied Norbit was saved by a overweight girl called Rasputia, who says Norbit is a stupid name for a brother before revealing hers (Yes,that right after Generalising Asians, Let's Generalise the race of Most of the cast, Why not?)
...And Just as I said that, Raspustia's brother Jack is revealed to be none other than Terry "Muscular-Black-Man-Who's-In-Everything" Crews.
Jack and his brothers run a Protection Racket Which is why Norbit cannot refuse Rasputia's advances Norbit is hired by Jack as Latimore Bros. bookkeeper and finally marries her (now played in a grotesque Fat suit by Murphy)
We also have the Comedy Kiss of Death, A Wayon Brother in the cast. I don't care which 1. Its Like Naming your hemorrhoids. They may look different, but they are still pains in the ass!
In the Present, The Marriage has become abusive and poisonous. Also the plot is that the Latimores are trying to buy the orphanage/restaurant From Mr Wong. Rasputia is having an affair with her Dance teacher, though he only doing it because he doesn't want to pay protection.
So Wayan Brother is a former pimp who owns a Pimp themed Rib house, He exposists that Norbit is doing a puppet show for the orphans. When he returns to get his puppets, he finds out about the affair.
So Rasputia is angry with Norbit who runs for his Life.
Wow, I hadn't seen Eddie Murphy run that fast since Scary Spice told him he was the father!
After Traumatising the children by re-enacting the argument with puppets, Kate returns, all grown up and a skin shade lighter....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_hUZEuSGA4
Kate is buying the orphanage under the nose of Jack. So Norbit has Lunch with Kate, and to his bemusement, her fiancee, Dion (Cuba Gooding, Jr.)
So Norbit is depressed, Between his cheating abusive wife, his criminal in-laws, his bad luck in romance, The last straw is when Rasputia cruelly kills a dog, when Norbit tries to leave, Rasputia lies about being Pregnant.
We cut to a block party, That only serves in making Dion another antagonist. He'll be your Greedy Sleazy Businessman this movie. After just 1 scene, Rasputia tells Norbit she lied about being pregnant. Kate makes the mistake (that we already know) In thinking that Jack runs a legitimate business. Because he didn't get the orphanage he is now pissed!
After having her hat stolen, Rasputia returns and sees Norbit dancing with Kate, Much to her Disgust who attacks him.
So Norbit is in hospital, where surprisingly, in front of 100's of witnesses, Rasputia is not arrested for assault. Dion exposists when Jack and his brothers come to beat him up that he's a serial child-support dodger and when jack tells him he's planning to turn the orphanage into a Topless Bar, he is interested, he plans to marry Kate just to share Planning Rights. After dinner, Kare agrees to his proposal.
Norbit has made a letter to a background checking company that he will post attending an orphanage day-trip to a water Park Rasputia invites herself In a Fan Disservice moment as she wears a barely there bikini.. Kate tells Norbit that she and Dion are getting Married on Saturday.
After a bicycle Lesson Montage, Kate asks Norbit to Dinner at the restaurant where the reception will be.
So an evil woman finds out that her cuckolded husband is having dinner with an attractive woman in a romantic restaurant, you don't need tarot cards to predict the future.
Throw in that Jack has tricked Norbit into making Kate sign the orphanage's Liquor Licence Renewal Papers. Not helped by Wayan Brother giving Norbit a Pimp Makeover. Given a tour of the Chapel, Norbit confesses his love in the guise of vows, and kisses Kate, which upsets her. After giving Jack his papers, Rasputia nearly kills Norbit and brags about going to kill Kate with Caustic Solution.
Much like Parental Abandonment and Relational Abuse, The threat of a real-life situation is supposed to be comedy. The next stage of Jack's plan is to make Norbit the scapegoat for turning the orphanage into a strip-joint. Kate is angry and for her safety , Norbit tells her he doesn't care about her. Kate buys it but so does Rasputia, who locks her husband in the basement.
So lets finish this, Norbit escapes by bike,but falls in a lake that destroys the documents, but had called Dion's ex-wives to the wedding. Norbit stands up to Rasputia and the entire town rallies the Latimores Out of Town. And so we end with Kate and Norbit married and owning the orphanage. While in Mexico, Jack has opened a strip-bar where we are left with the delightful Image of Rasputia doing a floor show.
EVERYTHING YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS FILM IS TRUE!
IT FUCKING SUCKS!
First, lets start with the least talked about flaw: the Sound Quality. I struggled to understand half the actors and any music played outside is obscured by background sounds.
But you know you've come here and that's the "jokes" about parental abandonment, Child Endangerment and the Racism, DEAR GOD! THE RACISM! Every time I heard Wayon brother open his mouth, I was hit by verbal sewage.
Getting the rep for being a pre-cursor to Jack and Jill, Murphy has re-donned the fat suits that revitalised his career last decade has ironically ruined him in this. Rasputia's dialogue could have easily being the Sex jokes not used in Klumps 2, Newton remains the second tier actress you get if can't afford Halle Berry. And Wayon Brother and Crews are here because no-one else is. There is too much going on here that wrong with this film, But I'd break the Internet if I name..... them...... all.
(Overhead, the sky cracked open as 80'S Lad and Joe-jack tended to a dumbstruck Eamonn. From the crack fiery apparitions swarmed and solidified as solid bipedal beings. )
look's like The rules are changing Ostrich!
What is going on?
EASY! YOU LEFT HELL AND WON'T COME BACK SO I'VE USED MY INFLUNCE OVER THE TINY PIECE OF YOUR POWER EMBEDDED IN THIS ONES HEART, SO FAR, I'VE ONLY HAVE CONTROL OF HIS MAGIC FIST, EYES AND VOICE,BUT IF YOU TRY TO KILL HIM, YOU'LL GIVE ME COMPLETE CONTROL OVER THIS VESSEL. EAMONN WILL BE THE NEW SATAN! AND I WILL MAKE SURE OF AFTER I MAKE HIM REVIEW...THIS!
(The possessed reviewer snapped his fingers. in his hand what could be his pre-programmed demise.)
Next Month: Eamonn reviews HORRID HENRY.
CREDITS
Norbit was reviewed, Edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music and clips by
Temperature by Sean Paul
Phealous
Norbit is distributed by DreamWorks. All rights reserved. All clips belong to their respected owners.
Follow me on twitter @SaveusPOE
Ever since SatanicOstrich Quit his Job as the Devil, The fabric of the Universe has being thinner than a wet Kleenex! Not helped by Eamonn the only other Being Cursed with Satanic Power Turning Fully Satanic by A Devil's DVD and used his reality warping powers at the Multiverse Switchyard to redirect all the trains to Hell, In an effort to start 3 Tickets to Hell Early.)
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION...
(This month's theme, from the soundtrack but muffled by the sound quality,
Sean Paul-Temperature http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dW2MmuA1nI4
Well,here it is.
The Shitstopper, The theft of Enjoyment. A film so Horrible, Most Film-Maker Classes have a chapter of this film under the Title of "Don't Do This!"
The sooner you scroll down, the sooner you finish!
We open in 1968 as Norbit Rice(Eddie Murphy) recants his life as an orphan, as he says he hoped his parents took all the pros and cons into Parenthood, We are Shown that he was thrown from a moving car!
Wow Brian Robbins, You know how to keep it classy in your Screenplays Don't you?
So Norbit was raised by Mr Wong (Also Murphy!) As the orphanage was also a restaurant which means we can have Child Labour and Child Endangerment jokes as well as Murphy dressed as an Asian calling Norbit a "UGRY BRACK CHIRD" every second.
Norbit has always being in love with a girl called Kate (later played as an adult by Thandie Newton).Until she was adopted.
In 1977, a bullied Norbit was saved by a overweight girl called Rasputia, who says Norbit is a stupid name for a brother before revealing hers (Yes,that right after Generalising Asians, Let's Generalise the race of Most of the cast, Why not?)
...And Just as I said that, Raspustia's brother Jack is revealed to be none other than Terry "Muscular-Black-Man-Who's-In-Everything" Crews.
Jack and his brothers run a Protection Racket Which is why Norbit cannot refuse Rasputia's advances Norbit is hired by Jack as Latimore Bros. bookkeeper and finally marries her (now played in a grotesque Fat suit by Murphy)
We also have the Comedy Kiss of Death, A Wayon Brother in the cast. I don't care which 1. Its Like Naming your hemorrhoids. They may look different, but they are still pains in the ass!
In the Present, The Marriage has become abusive and poisonous. Also the plot is that the Latimores are trying to buy the orphanage/restaurant From Mr Wong. Rasputia is having an affair with her Dance teacher, though he only doing it because he doesn't want to pay protection.
So Wayan Brother is a former pimp who owns a Pimp themed Rib house, He exposists that Norbit is doing a puppet show for the orphans. When he returns to get his puppets, he finds out about the affair.
So Rasputia is angry with Norbit who runs for his Life.
Wow, I hadn't seen Eddie Murphy run that fast since Scary Spice told him he was the father!
After Traumatising the children by re-enacting the argument with puppets, Kate returns, all grown up and a skin shade lighter....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_hUZEuSGA4
Kate is buying the orphanage under the nose of Jack. So Norbit has Lunch with Kate, and to his bemusement, her fiancee, Dion (Cuba Gooding, Jr.)
So Norbit is depressed, Between his cheating abusive wife, his criminal in-laws, his bad luck in romance, The last straw is when Rasputia cruelly kills a dog, when Norbit tries to leave, Rasputia lies about being Pregnant.
We cut to a block party, That only serves in making Dion another antagonist. He'll be your Greedy Sleazy Businessman this movie. After just 1 scene, Rasputia tells Norbit she lied about being pregnant. Kate makes the mistake (that we already know) In thinking that Jack runs a legitimate business. Because he didn't get the orphanage he is now pissed!
After having her hat stolen, Rasputia returns and sees Norbit dancing with Kate, Much to her Disgust who attacks him.
So Norbit is in hospital, where surprisingly, in front of 100's of witnesses, Rasputia is not arrested for assault. Dion exposists when Jack and his brothers come to beat him up that he's a serial child-support dodger and when jack tells him he's planning to turn the orphanage into a Topless Bar, he is interested, he plans to marry Kate just to share Planning Rights. After dinner, Kare agrees to his proposal.
Norbit has made a letter to a background checking company that he will post attending an orphanage day-trip to a water Park Rasputia invites herself In a Fan Disservice moment as she wears a barely there bikini.. Kate tells Norbit that she and Dion are getting Married on Saturday.
After a bicycle Lesson Montage, Kate asks Norbit to Dinner at the restaurant where the reception will be.
So an evil woman finds out that her cuckolded husband is having dinner with an attractive woman in a romantic restaurant, you don't need tarot cards to predict the future.
Throw in that Jack has tricked Norbit into making Kate sign the orphanage's Liquor Licence Renewal Papers. Not helped by Wayan Brother giving Norbit a Pimp Makeover. Given a tour of the Chapel, Norbit confesses his love in the guise of vows, and kisses Kate, which upsets her. After giving Jack his papers, Rasputia nearly kills Norbit and brags about going to kill Kate with Caustic Solution.
Much like Parental Abandonment and Relational Abuse, The threat of a real-life situation is supposed to be comedy. The next stage of Jack's plan is to make Norbit the scapegoat for turning the orphanage into a strip-joint. Kate is angry and for her safety , Norbit tells her he doesn't care about her. Kate buys it but so does Rasputia, who locks her husband in the basement.
So lets finish this, Norbit escapes by bike,but falls in a lake that destroys the documents, but had called Dion's ex-wives to the wedding. Norbit stands up to Rasputia and the entire town rallies the Latimores Out of Town. And so we end with Kate and Norbit married and owning the orphanage. While in Mexico, Jack has opened a strip-bar where we are left with the delightful Image of Rasputia doing a floor show.
EVERYTHING YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS FILM IS TRUE!
IT FUCKING SUCKS!
First, lets start with the least talked about flaw: the Sound Quality. I struggled to understand half the actors and any music played outside is obscured by background sounds.
But you know you've come here and that's the "jokes" about parental abandonment, Child Endangerment and the Racism, DEAR GOD! THE RACISM! Every time I heard Wayon brother open his mouth, I was hit by verbal sewage.
Getting the rep for being a pre-cursor to Jack and Jill, Murphy has re-donned the fat suits that revitalised his career last decade has ironically ruined him in this. Rasputia's dialogue could have easily being the Sex jokes not used in Klumps 2, Newton remains the second tier actress you get if can't afford Halle Berry. And Wayon Brother and Crews are here because no-one else is. There is too much going on here that wrong with this film, But I'd break the Internet if I name..... them...... all.
(Overhead, the sky cracked open as 80'S Lad and Joe-jack tended to a dumbstruck Eamonn. From the crack fiery apparitions swarmed and solidified as solid bipedal beings. )
look's like The rules are changing Ostrich!
What is going on?
EASY! YOU LEFT HELL AND WON'T COME BACK SO I'VE USED MY INFLUNCE OVER THE TINY PIECE OF YOUR POWER EMBEDDED IN THIS ONES HEART, SO FAR, I'VE ONLY HAVE CONTROL OF HIS MAGIC FIST, EYES AND VOICE,BUT IF YOU TRY TO KILL HIM, YOU'LL GIVE ME COMPLETE CONTROL OVER THIS VESSEL. EAMONN WILL BE THE NEW SATAN! AND I WILL MAKE SURE OF AFTER I MAKE HIM REVIEW...THIS!
(The possessed reviewer snapped his fingers. in his hand what could be his pre-programmed demise.)
Next Month: Eamonn reviews HORRID HENRY.
CREDITS
Norbit was reviewed, Edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music and clips by
Temperature by Sean Paul
Phealous
Norbit is distributed by DreamWorks. All rights reserved. All clips belong to their respected owners.
Follow me on twitter @SaveusPOE
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