(EAMONN'S LINES IN BLACK)
(80'S LADS LINES IN ORANGE)
This months theme-night swimming by R.E.M
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ahJ6Kh8klM4
It's Summertime and you know what that means!
Beach trips and girls in bikinis
And if there was ever a film that does a disservice to that, it's Piranha DD, Which after that "FloorBurger" Fiasco was the last gasp for David Hasselhoff
-THE HOFF? AND SEXY BABES? DUUUUUUDDDDDDDEEEEE!
-Oh Hello Eighties Lad! Do you want to join in this road to 100 Review?
-Sure thing, Mang! I've done a lot here on Bogger Box Office, Remember when that Alternative me kidnapped me, Put me In Suspended Animation for a whole year, While a Living Computer Program tried to kill us all? Good Times, Baby, Good times!
We dive straight in, with found footage of Spring breaker is segued into a news report about the prequel, piranhas (and tits!) in 3D. The town of Victoria Falls, Florida has being abandoned.
We cut to the inside of the Producers Mind!
-No we don't it's an empty wall cavity devoid of intelligent lif-OH I GET IT! We are in Alabama as we see something in the water. Something with huge teeth, Something with 1 facial expression and a taste for young, nubile flesh.
THAT'S RIGHT! GARY BUSEY!
Busey is a farmer trying to find his cow in the water. After lighting the methane in the cows farts the heat hatches piranha eggs and they eat Busey and his friend as the Title card segues into...
TITSTITSTITSTITS....
-(SMACK!)
-not cool, Mang!
We cut to an ad for (I can't believe someone got paid to think of this!) The Big and Wet Waterpark (including a cameo by American Idol reject, Bikini Girl). The Plot, as miniscule as it is, is that this waterpark is reopening after the mother of the heroine, Maddie, died, But her stepfather a Slimy McSlimeball called Chett, has added a Adult Pool and replaced the Lifeguard with Models.
Only good can come from this! Later that night we introduced to characters who probably have names, but will only act on their base stereotypes of Heart-throb, Ass-hole,Slut, Comic Relief, Nerd, Stoner and Black Friend.
Only 3 will survive. And it won't be the last 1! Also Ass-hole is also the park's Rent-A-cop.
So Slut and Nerd separate from the others to skinny dip.
~Night Swimming/Deserves a Quiet Ni---AAAARRRGGGHHH! OH THE HUMANITY! WAIT! A False scare, Come On Dude! I wasted a good joke on this?
No, You don't have to, because Some Ill advised Sex Play has taken the handbrake of Stoner's van as He and Black Girl are plunged into the water. Which means only 1 thing!
BLACK PERSON DIES FIRST!
The next day, A reluctant Maddie stocks Condoms, As Slut vomits a 3D shot for the camera. Class!
The cops uncover Stoners Van with no sign of the skeletal remains. Which is Bogus! Like all Carnivores, piranhas cannot eat solid bone, Bone has no nutritional value since they always picked clean by all meat eaters. The whole ravenous Piranha fallacy was invented by Theodore Roosevelt who saw piranhas at a demonstration, and Conjectured that IF you put a hand into a pool of piranhas, It MIGHT tear your hand off. In Truth piranhas are vegetarian scavengers that eat anything that lands in their vicinity, but it has to be dead first!
OF COURSE! DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SCIENCE?
So in what was suppose to be character development for Maddie and Slut turned into the first attack by the glove puppets, So Maddie, Heart-throb and Asshole drive from Alabama to Florida to meet Dr Goodman (Christopher Lloyd)
"MARTY! YOU MUST SAVE ME! I'M IN A SHITTY FILM WITH HASSELHOFF AND THE AMERICAN IDOL SKANK!"
Dr Goodman shows the teens a piranha tear though weapon Grade Steel and tells them that these prehistoric piranhas thrive in mineral rich water so chlorine filled pools will confuse the fish. He also tells us that the world discredited his works when he theorized that fish will learn to walk.
FORESHADOWING!
After confirming that Black Girl is dead (It's a horror film, of course she's dead!) There is more Teasing of something terribly wrong with slut. To check if the pipes are big enough to let piranhas in, Heart-throb let's slip he can't swim, Leaving Maddie all alone for Ass-hole to save her.
HEY KIDS!
WANNA HEAR SOMETHING STUPID?
Take it, Eighties Lad!
We cut to Slut and Nerd having sex when somehow, I don't know how or when but a piranha egg was inside her vagina has laid and the fish has bitten the Man Cock, to the point of cutting it off with a knife!
We then cut to Chet bribing Asshole to keep the park open tomorrow.
Maddie has a bath and a Nightmare about Piranhas. In a seedy motel room, paid with hookers, the Hoff makes his cameo as it's the day of the parks reopening. The sheriff who lost his legs to the fish in the last film, has being invited to some immersion therapy to heal his new-found fear of water!
From here it's just non-stop gore and stupidity! so here's the quick version, Chet bores into an underwater lake, Hoff takes the place of a first Aid specialist, Asshole arrest Maddie and without the subtly of Jaws, the piranhas attack, the Sherriff gets his sawn-off prosectics, Comic Relief gets his ass chews, the Hoff dooms countless people just to save 1 child, Chet gets his ass handed to him by an escaped Maddie, A distraction by Katrina Bowden decapitates Chet, Maddie and Heart-Throb drain the pool even with him overcoming his fear of water. Asshole leaves his friends to die and in turn is stabbed to death by a flying rubbish pick, after an explosion by Comic Relief's fireworks launches the remaining fish high enough to suffocate them and so the nightmare is over.
OR IS IT?
Doctor Goodman tells Maddie over the phone that he is right: Fish have learned how to walk, if they learned to breath air, We'd be fucked but no, Walk is what we are going with!
THIS FILM IS SO BOGUS!
In modern Parlance, that means...
THIS FILM SUCKS!
Though you are not surprised in the least? are you? a sleazy, contrived, piece of common denominator gimmicky trash for the biggest useless film gimmick, that never goes away, the 3D Film.
NEXT MONTH....MEET THE MILLERS
CREDITS
Piranah DD was reviewed, compiled and Edited by, and as Eighties Lad, by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music by-
REM "Night Swimming"
Piranah dd is distributed by Entertainment In Film.
All rights Reserved.
Follow me on Twitter @RealEnli
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