Eamonn Reviews Norbit

(Previously On Bogger Box Office...
Ever since SatanicOstrich Quit his Job as the Devil, The fabric of the Universe has being thinner than a wet Kleenex! Not helped by Eamonn the only other Being Cursed with Satanic Power Turning Fully Satanic by A Devil's DVD and used his reality warping powers at the Multiverse Switchyard to redirect all the trains to Hell, In an effort to start 3 Tickets to Hell Early.)

AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION...
(This month's theme, from the soundtrack but muffled by the sound quality,
Sean Paul-Temperature http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dW2MmuA1nI4


Well,here it is.
The Shitstopper, The theft of Enjoyment. A film so Horrible, Most Film-Maker Classes have a chapter of this film under the Title of "Don't Do This!"

The sooner you scroll down, the sooner you finish!

We open in 1968 as Norbit Rice(Eddie Murphy) recants his life as an orphan, as he says he hoped his parents took all the pros and cons into Parenthood, We are Shown that he was thrown from a moving car!
Wow Brian Robbins, You know how to keep it classy in your Screenplays Don't you?

So Norbit was raised by Mr Wong (Also Murphy!) As the orphanage was also a restaurant which means we can have Child Labour and Child Endangerment jokes as well as Murphy dressed as an Asian calling Norbit a "UGRY BRACK CHIRD" every second.

Norbit has always being in love with a girl called Kate (later played as an adult by Thandie Newton).Until she was adopted.

In 1977, a bullied Norbit was saved by a overweight girl called Rasputia, who says Norbit is a stupid name for a brother before revealing hers (Yes,that right after Generalising Asians, Let's Generalise the race of Most of the cast, Why not?)

...And Just as I said that, Raspustia's brother Jack is revealed to be none other than Terry "Muscular-Black-Man-Who's-In-Everything" Crews.

Jack and his brothers run a Protection Racket Which is why Norbit cannot refuse Rasputia's advances Norbit is hired by Jack as Latimore Bros. bookkeeper and finally marries her (now played in a grotesque Fat suit by Murphy)

We also have the Comedy Kiss of Death, A Wayon Brother in the cast. I don't care which 1. Its Like Naming your hemorrhoids. They may look different, but they are still pains in the ass!

In the Present, The Marriage has become abusive and poisonous. Also the plot is that the Latimores are trying to buy the orphanage/restaurant From Mr Wong. Rasputia is having an affair with her Dance teacher, though he only doing it because he doesn't want to pay protection.

So Wayan Brother is a former pimp who owns a Pimp themed Rib house, He exposists that Norbit is doing a puppet show for the orphans. When he returns to get his puppets, he finds out about the affair.

So Rasputia is angry with Norbit who runs for his Life.

Wow, I hadn't seen Eddie Murphy run that fast since Scary Spice told him he was the father!

After Traumatising the children by re-enacting the argument with puppets, Kate returns, all grown up and a skin shade lighter....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_hUZEuSGA4
 Kate is buying the orphanage under the nose of Jack. So Norbit has Lunch with Kate, and to his bemusement, her fiancee, Dion (Cuba Gooding, Jr.)

So Norbit is depressed, Between his cheating abusive wife, his criminal in-laws, his bad luck in romance, The last straw is when Rasputia cruelly kills a dog, when Norbit tries to leave, Rasputia lies about being Pregnant.

We cut to a block party, That only serves in making Dion another antagonist. He'll be your Greedy Sleazy Businessman this movie. After just 1 scene, Rasputia tells Norbit she lied about being pregnant. Kate makes the mistake (that we already know) In thinking that Jack runs a legitimate business. Because he didn't get the orphanage he is now pissed!

After having her hat stolen, Rasputia returns and sees Norbit dancing with Kate, Much to her Disgust who attacks him.

So Norbit is in hospital, where surprisingly, in front of 100's of witnesses, Rasputia is not arrested for assault. Dion exposists when Jack and his brothers come to beat him up that he's a serial child-support dodger and when jack tells him he's planning to turn the orphanage into a Topless Bar, he is interested, he plans to marry Kate just to share Planning Rights. After dinner, Kare agrees to his proposal.

Norbit has made a letter to a background checking company that he will post attending an orphanage day-trip to a water Park Rasputia invites herself In a Fan Disservice moment as she wears a barely there bikini.. Kate tells Norbit that she and Dion are getting Married on Saturday.

After a bicycle Lesson Montage, Kate asks Norbit to Dinner at the restaurant where the reception will be.

So an evil woman finds out that her cuckolded husband is having dinner with an attractive woman in a romantic restaurant, you don't need tarot cards to predict the future.

Throw in that Jack has tricked Norbit into making Kate sign the orphanage's Liquor Licence Renewal Papers. Not helped by Wayan Brother giving Norbit a Pimp Makeover. Given a tour of the Chapel, Norbit confesses his love in the guise of vows, and kisses Kate, which upsets her. After giving Jack his papers, Rasputia nearly kills Norbit and brags about going to kill Kate with Caustic Solution.

Much like Parental Abandonment and Relational Abuse, The threat of a real-life situation is supposed to be comedy. The next stage of Jack's plan is to make Norbit the scapegoat for turning the orphanage into a strip-joint. Kate is angry and for her safety , Norbit tells her he doesn't care about her. Kate buys it but so does Rasputia, who locks her husband in the basement.

So lets finish this, Norbit escapes by bike,but falls in a lake that destroys the documents, but had called Dion's ex-wives to the wedding. Norbit stands up to Rasputia and the entire town rallies the Latimores Out of Town. And so we end with Kate and Norbit married and owning the orphanage. While in Mexico, Jack has opened a strip-bar where we are left with the delightful Image of Rasputia doing a floor show.

EVERYTHING YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS FILM IS TRUE!
IT FUCKING SUCKS!

First, lets start with the least talked about flaw: the Sound Quality. I struggled to understand half the actors and any music played outside is obscured by background sounds.

But you know you've come here and that's the "jokes" about parental abandonment, Child Endangerment and the Racism, DEAR GOD! THE RACISM! Every time I heard Wayon brother open his mouth, I was hit by verbal sewage.

Getting the rep for being a pre-cursor to Jack and Jill, Murphy has re-donned the fat suits that revitalised his career last decade has ironically ruined him in this. Rasputia's dialogue could have easily being the Sex jokes not used in Klumps 2, Newton remains the second tier actress you get if can't afford Halle Berry. And Wayon Brother and Crews are here because no-one else is. There is too much going on here that wrong with this film, But I'd break the Internet if I name..... them...... all.

(Overhead, the sky cracked open as 80'S Lad and Joe-jack tended to a dumbstruck Eamonn. From the crack fiery apparitions swarmed and solidified as solid bipedal beings. )

look's like The rules are changing Ostrich!

What is going on?
EASY! YOU LEFT HELL AND WON'T COME BACK SO I'VE USED MY INFLUNCE OVER THE TINY PIECE OF YOUR POWER EMBEDDED IN THIS ONES HEART, SO FAR, I'VE ONLY HAVE CONTROL OF HIS MAGIC FIST, EYES AND VOICE,BUT IF YOU TRY TO KILL HIM, YOU'LL GIVE ME COMPLETE CONTROL OVER THIS VESSEL. EAMONN WILL BE THE NEW SATAN! AND I WILL MAKE SURE OF AFTER I MAKE HIM REVIEW...THIS!

(The possessed reviewer snapped his fingers. in his hand what could be his  pre-programmed demise.)

Next Month: Eamonn reviews HORRID HENRY.

CREDITS
Norbit was reviewed, Edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music and clips by
Temperature by Sean Paul
Phealous

Norbit is distributed by DreamWorks. All rights reserved. All clips belong to their respected owners.
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