Eamonn reviews Semi-Pro

....AND WE ARE BACK IN 2013!
If you thought that last year's adventures into celluloid shite were great then prepare of this year's thrill ride. Since it's January new beginnings and all that, I'm doing something i never done before, but wanted to...
Review an American Sports film!

Apart from wrestling, I don't give two fucks about sport. And Films about sports we don't play or are bad at? Sorry Will Ferrell but Ireland is still full of short white people to play basketball at a world level!

With that in mind, lets don Afros and tiny shorts to watch semi-pro.

So the film begins in the 70s as paper articles in a scrap book tells the story of Jackie Moon (ferrell), A one hit wonder singer turned player-manager of the Flint Tropics, but his half baked promotions(such as Gerbil Night and Dime Beer) and lacklustre performance in the league threatens bankruptcy. So The local team is introduced by moon in a succession of one-liners (including how Michael jackson looks creepy)

During a game with New york, Jackie cost points by travelling to accost a staffer for bringing outside food. Arriving late is Flint's top-scorer, Clarence (Andre Benjamin) He scores a 3-pointer but flint is still losing.

At half time Jackie introduces a half court challenge for $10,000 (money he doesn't have!)-And you know what happens next!

So with the tropics bottom of the league and needing $10,000 to pay a hippy, Jackie decides to drown his troubles in his club,making the dj play his song again, much to the chagrin of the players.

Now we get the plot after 20 minutes. The players are spreading a rumour that the league is dissolving. Instead Jackie says that the ABA is in fact merging with NBA that he will not let his players down, calling himself "bambi's Mother." the other players make fun of that fact before i do.

At the meeting it's confirmed that there will be a merger,Jackie rubs it in the other teams faces that he is a"real" manager however after arguing they settle that the top 4 teams that will be added to the nba, It's a race against time no team has ever being in ninth and last and won, let one win fourth place. So Jackie sells his washing machine to trade for Ed Monix (woody Harrellson), a player who's drunk and aggressive nature got him demoted and divorced.

Speaking of which, we cut to his ex-wive, lynn and her new boyfriend Kyle,who is fan of monix
AWKWARD!
...It turns out they live in Flint and she has a restraining order against him.

On the bus to st Louis, Clarence makes fun of Monix for winning a championship ring with even playing one game for Celtics.

After getting into an argument with Fr. Pat the Referee, the priest insults Jackie's dead mother, this makes Jackie eject the team and forfeit the game.
And there is more bad news, The Board has issued that teams must have 2000+ fans in attendance every home-game, so for tv buzz the team wears eye-liner and fights the opposing team during ad-breaks. Monix is angry with what happened that he upturns a cop-car. Lynn bails him out and discusses there divorce when she leaves, Clarence,Twiggy and Anton convince Ed to coach the team, to Jackie's Annoyance but is convinced to handle only the promotions. Monix orthodox methods includes a drill without a ball called "The Puke"....Guess what happens next!

And it pays off! the Tropics are more polished in their match. But Jackie's promotion gets in the way again as he advertises free Corn-Dogs if the Tropics win by 125 points, an errant ball by Vikidis makes the win by 129. Once again it's a promise that Jackie cannot keep.

We get a montage of the tropics Steady rise to 5 place,Clarence has changed his name to Coffee Black
Ed has sex with Lynn seemingly while Kyle is out, but Kyle is watching them!
AWKWARD!!
Jackie's Outlandish promotional stunts continue as he fails to jump the ball girls and wrestles a bear.
(Eamonn laughs at the scene, but looks over to see an elephant on it's hind legs with it's fore legs crossed.)

OH,Dont act like you don't see me!
-Aren't you a gimmick by Mr Big-Shot In Chicago?
-No I'm free to show up when need!
-Why are you here?
(Sigh!) You know the bear in this film killed it's handler,right?
Okay you got me! I can't avoid the elephant the room! Rocky the bear did kill his handler after this film, but it was months after this film was released. It's a tragedy but a footnote really!

The Commissioner tells the team that the tropics will not merge with the NBA. This causes Jackie to get depressed, and trades Coffee to the Spurs.

Jackie gets back to form when Monix finds him in a dumpster. So the team has final meeting to prepare for its final game. It's nothing but sport we don't Play very well in Ireland so lets wrap it up!

Jackie gets knocked out has a near-death experience,Coffee returns to the tropics,and Jackie's dead mother(context!) gives Jackie the winning play, The commish is eaten by the bear, and the story ends with the hippy getting his prize money from Jackie's NBA Buy-out!

THIS FILM....AND I MUST STRESS THIS....DOES! NOT! SUCK!
Despite the weak setting and the fact that American sports films bomb in Europe, there is a lot in Semi-pro to keep you entertained. Ferrell as the naive incompetent Title character is a riot, Andre 3000 Is a Revelation, as is the spotlight stealing Will Arnet, Woody Harrellson storyline could easily have being cut.
This film though, I strongly recommend!

CREDITS
Semi Pro review was written compiled and edited by Eamonn Bermingham
Semi Pro is distributed by Entertainment On Video
All rights reversed.
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