Eamonn reviews Black Knight part 2

(THE STORY SO FAR....
The new technology wave has finally made it's way to Da Wesht ov Ireland, Leading the way is the Tantalos Corporation, Headed by Butt-craic's own Edwin Tantalos, a man that most of Butt-craic cannot remember, but at least his factory's phones are cheap! despite that one little glitch of turning people into the silvery Anomaly that "saved" 80's Lad! and why does Tantalos look like him aged by 30 years?

Meanwhile, Eamonn still stuck in Butt-Craic, reviewed Black Knight, a horrible, Historically inaccurate honking heap of horse-shit! Here Martin Lawrence plays the character he always plays, is transported back to middle ages England, where surprisingly their are Black and Asian people speaking English, with English accents! After inventing r'nb, and trouncing assassins to the evil king, Jamal was made a Lord and planned on inventing Fast food restaurants. Life was good for the rubber-faced Dick-head!)

....Until the king orders Jamal to kill a man for stealing a turnip! His back turned Jamal lets him go.
After pretending to sleep with Victoria to stop the randy guards from eavesdropping, Jamal is convinced by today's actions to help the rebellion,while at the same time, be a yellow-belly spineless coward! Later that night a silhouette of a young woman with curly hair enters Jamal's Quarters. The next morning the real messenger from Normandy has arrived. Not only has the lie being found out, the bait and switch is revealed as Jamal has just macked Princess Regina's Royal BOOT-AY!
So King Leo has ordered the guards to clap Jamal in Irons.

CALLED IT!

In prison, the assassins tell Jamal the legend of the black knight, a Man who wielded a golden sword and ate a dragon's heart to gain his fire-breathing powers.

So Jamal is to be executed, but he says he is a sorcerer, he use a lighter, but the locals are unimpressed,
"We've Got Fire!"
I can't believe how Genre Savvy that line was!

As an executioner who was eating melon starts to choke, the crowd of hundreds who saw him eat the melon goes Genre Blind and calls it a "curse of death". Jamal performs the Heimlich on him. Getting Cocky, he says that he will make the sun fall, a fiery arrow strikes the royal box making a woman scream"it's the sun"
Lady, you act like you never seen an arrow before!

It's revealed that Nolte is firing said arrows as Victoria dreys a get-away carriage, Jamal falls out but Nolte gives him a ride to the Rebel base.

Victoria is angry that Jamal had raided the princess'"treasure cave". Jamal promises to bring her to 2001, but Victoria wants to fight the queen despite the others treating her like a servant.

So Nolte is ambushed by Percival's men, But Jamal beats them with simple boxing, a form of combat re-invented by knights to practice their sword fighting techniques in peace times. So in reality Jamal would have had his ass handed to him.

But When Jamal is outnumbered, Nolte comes to his rescue. Returning to camp, it has being burnt down and Victoria kidnapped, As Jamal tries to rally the remaining rebels, the Queen reveals herself!

After a badly-acted monologue, Jamal steps up to give a speech befitting a political rally. We have a Montage of jamal training the peasants in American Football (or Soft-Boy Rugby as i can it!) and wrestling as this- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ROzGihgCj8  plays out!

The night before the siege, Jamal gives Nolte his sneakers, Nolte has a gift too, a knights helmet, During the night Jamal spray-paints the helmet black and melts some gold over a sword...

So rebels are being killed off left right and centre, Until Jamal as the Black Knight returns! Jamal also fitted  his spraycan and lighter to"breathe fire". So an unarmed Jamal with his theatrics is enough to defeat skilled knight armed with weapons! Percival kills King Leo and Nolte, who gives Jamal his sword.

Jamal defeats Percy in armed Combat but an ambush is halted when Percival is killed by an arrow, it turns out that Nolte PULLED OUT THE ARROW THAT WAS KILLING HIM AND WITH HIS DYING BIT OF STRENGTH, KILLED HIS KILLER WITH THE ARROW THAT DONE HIM IN!

I'm Sorry but that's fucking awesome!

So as Jamal is being knighted it turns out that he bumped his head of a shopping trolley in the moat and was in a coma,

He time-travelled via head injury to solve a long forgotten crime!
You know where I'm Going with this!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIMP6-KBSCs

So Jamal plans on giving Boss Stick some ideas for the park, Six weeks later a newly refurbished Medieval world is raking in customers, Jamal is working at the batting cages(?) when he meets Victoria's modern day counter part? Anyway when he goes to ask her number, he falls in the moat and ends up in the coliseum, chased by lions!

THIS FILM SUCKS!...but it's not the worst!

We actually get some pretty decent development of Jamal, Victoria and Nolte, all of these characters have put themselves in miserable existence that they could has gotten out of themselves with some courage, For Jamal it's a sense of Honour and humility that would help him get back home, for Victoria the serving wench in an arranged marriage (which was never really discussed) got over herself, or rather she would if the rebels didn't realise that she really was the brains of the outfit, and finally Nolte got over his shame of being drunk in the queen's service as the queen forgave him and his heroic sacrifice was awesome!

However, as pointed out frequently, the story has padding, and huge historically inaccuracies, there was also the loose end of what happened to the princess after the Sex scene? was she killed? banished? we never find out! the ending was sequel Bait but who's biting? the lesson was learned and so the sequel would not be need!

So that was Black Knight, a film as historically accurate as Hysteria!
CREDITS
Black Knight review was written, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
with Music and footage
in part 1:
Clips from:
Black Knight
Star wars episodeIII: REVENGE OF THE SITH
With music:
Back in time by Eiffiel 65
In Part 2:
Clips from:
Life from Mars
with music:
James Brown- Get up offa that thing
Black knight is property of 20TH Century fox and all clips belong to their respected owners.
All rights reserved.
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