Eamonn Reviews Black Knight Part 1

(EAMONN'S REVIEW IN BLACK)
(MARY'S LINES IN PINK)
(FATHER TACS-CRYME IN GREEN)
JOHNNY SPRINGCHICKEN IN BROWN
(???? IN GREY)
(THE STORY SO FAR...
THE SEARCH FOR EIGHTIES LAD CONTINUES, AS THE TEMPERLY DISPLACED SIDEKICK HAS BEING MISSING SINCE MARCH, HOWEVER HIS RETURN HAS BEING BRIEF AS EVERY TIME HE IS SEEN A STRANGE BEING WITH THE ABILITY TO SUBVERT REALITY, DELETES ANYTHING THAT GETS CLOSE. WITH THE DESPERATE SEARCH CONTINUING, It's hard to forget that life goes on elsewhere in the Village of Buttcraic...

(Mary's shop, Butt-craic, Da Wesht ov Ireland)
Mary is splitting up packs coke and drawing over NOT FOR SINGLE SALE with a black felt tip marker, when the village priest Fr. Tacs-Cryme Enters.
Good Mornin' Mary! Oi've come fer da Collection box, so i have!
Oh father! tell me dis, Is you doin' da mass on Saturday Nite?
NOAH! It's either going to be Fr. Sleese or Fr. Hip-O'Crite.
Not Fr.Perve or Fr.Lecher?
Noah! They'll be workin' at the orfanage!

(the Door bell ring again and in comes Aging lothario, Johnny Springchicken, Dress to the nines, his (remaining) Hair slicked back with pomade, holding a futuristic mobile phone.

What ye got dere, Johnny?
Dis is Da brand new Tantalos 666-1300! It's da mosht advanced phone on da market!
I never heard ov Tantalos?
Are you sure? Edwin Tantalos came from Butt-craic! and now he is a Multi-billionaire!
(Johnny pulls out a newspaper article of the local concillor shaking hands with Tantalos.It's Eighties Lad aged by 30 years! Over the picture the headline reads:
LOCAL MAN RETURNS WITH PHONE FACTORY AND NEW JOBS!

Johnny gets a phone call.)
Whos calling ya,
No-one! i have no-one in my contacts! Dat's why i came in here!
Hello?
(Out of the phone the silvery being engulfs Johnny, he collapses.)
Oh god he died! In me shop
Johnny are you okay?
("Johnny" rises his face and hands mere silver fragments of floating data.)
REJOICE! FOR TODAY! YOU WILL BE SAVED!

AND NOW! OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
This months theme: Back in time by Eifiel 65
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxWFlLEOC4s
With the Tripe that was nazis at the centre of the eath last month behind us, I throw punches to the far right. It's only fair i throw some punches at the left.

Lets talk about one of my bugbears when it comes to films
Political Correctness
Don't get me wrong,I am the most p.c man you will ever meet, I rarely make rascist jokes bar a character is blatantly a stereotype, Having a film with actors of different diversities usually adds a level of believability to the perfomance.

However that falls on it arse, when the setting is not modern times, Most black actors refuse to do westerns or slave-trade era films, but films about European history? When there was no Black people? Like say middle ages England?
(And Yes, I know Italy had Citizens of African Descent during that era, I've seen Doctor Who's Vampires in Venice too, unfortunatly!)

With World history about to be taken out in a Drive-by, this is Black Knight

The film starts with Martin Lawrence's Character of Jamal doing Martin Lawrence-esque Mugging the Camara, Jamal is a man full of himself and Dependent on technology.

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen! The same character Martin Lawrence always plays!

Jamal lives in Normandy street, Los Angeles,
PLOT POINT!
He works in a run down medievil themed theme park. We are told that Jamal's workplace will be competing against a second Medievil themed park. Jamal thinks that rather than competing with Castle world, that they should cash-out. Mainly because Jamal has applied for a job there.
Our Hero Ladies and Gentl...OH WAIT I DID THAT JOKE ALREADY!

Because of his Smack talk, Boss Stick makes Jamal clean the moat, He has a play sword fight with a Colleague, until the gleam of a pendant in the moat catches Jamal's eye. He grabs it with intention of pawning it, but is pulled back in time to Middle Ages England emerging out of a a pristine lake and onto the Angered Attention of an unkempt Man.

Despite the moat not being connected to any river or open sewer, and in reality Jamal would ended up in the desert, Jamal thinks he has washed up on Castle World, the rival park. He mets Noltegue Marlborough though for quickness he is referred from now on as Nolte, a disgraced Knight who faints after a few minutes from a drunken stupor. After making Gay and Rascist Jokes, Jamal goes to perform Mouth-to-Mouth but Nolte's breath is rank making Jamal use a mint spray, reviving him. As gratitude Nolte brings him back to his camp, However Jamal thinks Nolte is a hobo, he gives him a dollar bill, to which he throw on the fire for warmth.

Exploring the woods, Jamal stumbles on a village where he is nearly ran over by Knights on Horseback, one of them is our Villian,Percival. Jamal thinking thats how Castle World haze new employees (I must point out that Jamal only APPLIED! for a job, he doesn't have it yet!) he goes to complain. After spouting stuff about L.A., when he mentions he is from Normandy (street), he is let inside. Still convinced he is at an amusement park, he overhears a puppet show telling the legend of the black knight.
PLOT POINT AND TITLE DROP!
Other side of the castle a princess and her ladies-in-waiting are discussing her arranged marraige, oh Did I mention that the princess....is BLACK!??!!?
IN ENGLAND! IN! THE! MIDDLE! FUCKING! AGES! IN BRITIAN! WHICH IS AN ISLAND! THAT WOULDN'T HAVE PORTS FOR ANOTHER 200 YEARS! IN ENGLAND! THE WARS WITH IRELAND WAS BECAUSE A CATHOLIC KING SUCCEEDED THE THRONE! THAT WOULD BE NOTHING IN COMPARSION! IF THE KING IN DARK AGES ENGLAND WAS DARK AS WELL!
Oh and 1 of the ladies in waiting is Asian.
Britain will not become dependent on paper, tea and opium and have a market for them to come over for another 500 years!

Calm down Eamonn you're just 15 minutes. As long as there is nothing Historically Inaccurate or Stupid you'll be...Oh who Am i Kidding?

So Jamal chants up Victoria using Ebonics, and considering he has masqueraded as a hated Norman, told guards he wanted to beat up guards and now chatting up a be throed woman, I think Jamal may be clapped in Irons!

So it was revealed she is not a princess as the dvd cover called her, but a chambermaid.
Makes more sense to be a servant, makes no sense why they are BLACK AND ASIAN PEOPLE SPEAKING ENGLISH, WITH ENGLISH ACCENTS!

Trying to score her number, she is impressed that Jamal can read and write. Then Percival appears, feeling up Victoria, Jamal calls him out and Percival calls him a Moor

HISTORY LESSON!
A "MOOR" was a African-Muslim during the Crusades.

A chamberlain tells Jamal that the king will see him. It's revealed that Jamal's last name is ....Skywalker
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWaLxFIVX1s

Because he believes is in theme park he doesn't realise the danger he has gotten into, pretending to be a messenger was punishable by death.

So Jamal gives a false message about the duke coming to marry the Princess Regina on Tuesday. I'm sure it would not turn and bite Jamal on the ass(!)

So Jamal is given a tour of the castle, but when he needs the toilet and has to use a privy, (a hole over a ditch!) he realises that this may just be the Middle Ages.
So...the lack of roads, the Sudden drop in temperature,the florae and faunae not found in California, the English accents, and fact that no-one understood every second word you said. And the only thing that has cracked your suspicion is having to pee and poo in a hole?

He realises that he has gone back in time, When a Rebel is beheaded in front of him.

Revived by Victoria in her quarters, its revealed that Jamal is in England circa 1328, the Medallion that bought Jamal to this time is unexpectedly hung around his neck is the symbol of the resistance movement that Victoria is a member of. But Jamal is not only greedy, he is a coward also.

So the King's Chamberlain returns to say that a horse is prepared for him. After a unfunny scene of trying to ride a horse, and a less funny scene with leeches, Jamal is invited to a banquet, After spouting some bull about fast food, Jamal is disturbed by Middle ages ettique, basically He has to wait another century for the fork to be invented, Still believing Jamal to be a Norman, King Leo requests that Jamal should dance
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-(CALMS DOWN!) some things cannot be put into words. They can only be seen!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LolQfg1Cw18
THAT'S RIGHT!
Martin Lawrence has turned 12th century England into the BIRTHPLACE!...OF R'NB!
Let it be known that not all us whiteys from Britain are squares!

While two rebels goes to kill Leo, as Darnce(BAD ENGLISH ACCENTS EXPLAINS THE SPELLING) the Princess Regina kisses jamal, Pissing off the knights in an attempt to save his own miserable life, Jamal inadvertently takes out the two rebel assassins.

As payment, King Leo makes Jamal a Lord, But Jamal doesn't want land, he has other ideas to make the kingdom Money, namely inventing the Frappecino!
Yes, coffee has existed since the Qur'an was written even more than that, but i doubt in the middle of the Crusades, halfway killing the Muslims that the templers were stopping at Starbucks!
and he wants to invent the fast food restaurants.

Remember that this was film to teach an arsehole an important life lesson? YEAH instead we are going to dick around with some filler

(the 3 drones teleport into the office.)
DELETE ALL ORGANICS!

Speaking of filler, I'm afraid we'll have to finish this review once we deal with these...things see you next week..unless we get deleted!