A CULCHIE CHRISTMAS CAROL:PART 1-BAG OV HUMBUGS

(narration in brackets)
(EAMONN AND THE GOD-BOTHERERS LINES IN BLACK)
(jOE-JACK'S LINES IN BLUE)
(Padraig's lines in grey)

(Joe-jack's father was dead.
Of this fact it was undisputed.
And yet, Never once  in the 17 years Padraig DiCulchie had died, Did Joe-jack take down the sign that claimed his house as a bnb)

(His father was a landlord in life and in a more previous life, he was a musician, The house was always filled with music,but something happened when Joe-jack was a boy and the hotblooded father's heart turned cold. And turned to murder the tourists he once welcomed. He never took down the sign as a testament to continue his father's xenophobic ways.)

(But unlike his father, Joe-jack was tight. Oh, he was a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching old Sinner, the cold within him thickened his voice, lengthened his beard, nipped his beard and left a frosty rim as a hairline. No-one stopped Joe-jack to say "hello" to him,lest he get an earful of whatever petty grudge he had against that person stewing in that warped head of his.)

(One day after turning 3 Tantalos Drones back into villagers after the Black Knight review, Joe-Jack was in his office (Actually a broken down toilet,it was the only place where joe-jack's smell would not be complained about!) When Eamonn came in.)
Merry Christmas Joe-jack!
Merry Christmas, says you? YE CAN FUCK YA MERRY CHRISTMAS,SO YA CAN!
-Surely you don't mean that?
-Bah Humbug
-Now don't be cross!...
-WOT ELSE CAN I BE? Wot would o'fools is dis? when we are in recession,and instead ov balancin' bukes, we find ourselves a year older and not an hour richer! If Oi had moi way, I'd make sure every eejit wif "merry Christmas" on his lips be honeyglazed and roasted with his own ham! And buried with a stake ov holly tru his heart, so he should!
Joe-Jack!
-Townie bastid, let me celebrate Christmas my way!
Celebrate it? you don't celebrate it! you curse it!
GET OV MY LAND!
-....It's a toilet...
-*GUNSHOT*
(That night at his house,Joe-jack sat in the living room staring at the broken tv, he just broke, as the Christmas ads got on his nerves, his mother had returned from bingo, But by let her in he had let two Godbotherers come to his door.
(the first well dressed, fat man gazed at the sign.) it seems to a bnb but it's not registered on any website...
WADYAWONT???!?
Pardon me to ask if i am addressing Mr Diculchie or his son?
I am da sun! but me dad has being shtone dead fer 17 yar! 17 yar tonight!
At this festive time, sir, It is desirable for those in business to put provision aside for the poor and destitute, Do you have an amount to give?
Yes.
Splendid! how much can i put you down for?
Nuthin' but tell me dis if want to sort out the homeless,tell me dis? Are There no Bullets?
Yes, I would prefer if their weren't...
And Are There no Rivers?
Why yes we passed one getting here....
THEN SHOOT DA QUICK BASTIDS AND DROWN THE SLOW BASTIDS!
(And with that he closed the door with a forceful shove, the noise loosened a picture of Joe-jack's father, picking it up, it seemed to glare disappointingly at his son.)

That night, Joe-Jack slept uneasy as the fire died down,Staring half-asleep at the embers, The clock struck 12 times. For each chime, the dying fire rekindled it's flames, dancing like Satan's merry minions in the bowels of the Inferno, the smoke wreathed around the room, forming a man who similar in build,and size and face of Joe-Jack.
Who are ya?
-Ask me who i woz!
Who Woz y..
-Ah da chake ov ya! Doncha recognize ya Auld Man?
Noah! DIS IS A DREAM! YE ARENT REAL!
Why do ya mistrust ye own senses?
Cos things can play tricks on dem! this is no more than a bout ov Indigestion! you may be a bit ov beef, a squart ov mustard, a crumb ov cheese, dat piece of uncooked potato in my teeth. Dere's more of gravy than of grave abou' ya,wotever ya are!
So ye think Oi'm Inter-ma-gestion d'ya?
Ya!
Can INDIGESTION DO DIS?
(Despite being weight down by chains, Padraig kicked Joe-jack in the balls!)
DERE'S YA INDIGESTION, YA SHITEHAWK!
(Cough) Okay so ye'ar real! But tell me, Why didya come back?

In Life, Every Man's Soul's Duty is to share all with his fellah man, coz if he doesn't in life, He must do so in Death. And-WOE IS ME!-For 17 yar Oi've bein' travellin'-t'teach miserable gobshites like ye who would sleep on the floor if dere woz work in da bed!
Tonight ye will be visited by Three ghosts
-good only 2 more
3 More GHOSTS,Not counting myself! Take heed ov dem. Each of dem will come by the hour.
(the Smoke starts to disipate up the chimley)
My time is short, remember what oi said, look for me no more, for you will see your miserable future!
(Up the Chimney went the spirit of Padraig DiCulchie. Not obeying his father, he looked out the window to see His father, rejoined the ranks of the Legion of the Dammed, Mocking and taunting a homeless man sleeping rough. What wretched Philosophy did they practice? That they suffering in death can take joy from the suffering of the living? Joe-jack turned to fire it had burned out despite it blazing like hell mere moments ago.