(Joe-Jack's lines in blue)
(Eamonn's in Black)
(MASTER CONTROL IN GREY)
(SATANIC OSTRICH IN RED)
(The phantom crept towards Joe-jack. When it came near him, Joe-jack fell to his knees.)
Are ya d'ghost of christmas yet t'come?
(it nodded)
Y'ar abou' t'show me da shadows ov what will happen" he stammered "AMIROITE?"
(it nodded)
Spirit ov da future! Oi fear ye more dan any ghost oi hav' seen, but oi know ye are here to save me! But will ye not spake?
(He gave no reply, instead he pointed a feathered down the street.)
(They travelled to traintracks out of a tunnel, the express train to hell hurtled out at screaming speeds. the conductor shook his head as he thrusted into Joe-jack's Hand a Ticket to Hell:ONE WAY!
The train spat out the man and spirit into a futuristic but dystopian city)
Jaysus! I must be 100 yar in da future!
(the spirit held 1 finger)
One year from now?
(It nodded)
how is dat possible?
(It pointed down the street)
(As Joe-Jack walked he realised he didn't see a single person. Or any shops retaining to the welfare or existance of a person. No grocers, tailors furnishers,schools or chruches. Every available wall was covered in 2 words. TANTALUS CORPORATION)
(The spirit stopped and pointed down to a manhole. After agrueing to no avail, Joe-jack climbed down into a headquarters of some sort. On desk on a CB Radio was an unwashed, unshaven man that Joe-jack barely recognise as Eamonn.)
25TH OF DECEMBER 2013
This message is played on all analog FM Frequncies.It's the only way that master control will not find me. but i will decrypt the my co-ordinates at the end of this transmission. This message is to any survivors of the Digital Rebellion. though it's increasly unlikely that fact is. I've discovered the plan of Edwin Tantalus,long thought to be my friend, The 80'S Lad. However I discovered that since our eighties lad was taken, digitial Anomalies appered that merged our world with an alternate timeline where Eighties lad returned to the 80's with our 21 century knowledge and merged the anomalies into self-aware phones, in Alternate 90's, the alternate 80's lad now calling himself Edwin Tantalus, launched TantaNet before Internet causing information to be downloaded straight to the synapic nodes to the brain. Tantatlus abused his creation by becoming the most intelligent organic mind on Earth.by creating the most Intellegent machine on Earth, the TantaNet Control. but the Program absorded Tantulus, The" Master" into the being called Master Control. Since then we discovered the factory was creating Time Machines and to fix the time-line, we had to sent Joe-jack back to the eightes. But Joe-jack refused to help. And was picked off by a Drone brigade. I say picked off...Atomised really!
(Joe-jack reared back and put a palm up to his hand, holding back the urge to vomit.)
And now my message today is Christmas Day. To any survivors I invite those who are lonely to come to my base and those who have each other to stay and celebrate. Christmas is A state of mind, it is Love,Togetherness and Understanding, it's those things that make us Human! We may be hunted like Dogs,Experimented on like vermin and Killed like Rats, But we are STILL HUMAN! Civilisation may have killed Humanity but It'll be Compassion that will bring us back.
COMPASSION DOES NOT COMPUTE!
(Eamonn turned to see a young petite woman in a silver catsuit with short blone hair that ending in bangs.Despite her frail appearance. Eamonn recognised that he was in the presence of Master Control.)
How did you find me?
IRRELEVANT HUMAN.I HAVE SUBVERTED THE ELECTRICAL GRID OF THIS ENTIRE PLANET. YOU COULD NOT HAVE HIDDEN FOREVER.
Please there are Children here don't hurt them!
The Incomplete Human-Units designated"Children" have being Deleted!
-What?
-Any human's that have knowledge that i have previously acquired is no use.And therefore the Incomplete Units were not need.DELETION OF ORGANIC LIFE:99.9%
You Bastard!
Implement Combat Mode, Be warned Human you are irrelevant.
-Do you not know who you dealing with?
-All Humans are Irrelevant!
(Eamonn made a fist that surged with magical flames)
OH REALLY?
SUBJECT: EAMONN BERMINGHAM REASON:ANTI-LOGICAL WEAPON: THREAT LEVEL:CRITICAL
Implement Anti-Magical weapon Counter program!
HADOU-KARA PUNCH!
COMMENCE SPACIAL PHRASE DENSITY TO 5%
(the last human's magical fist when through the diabolical digital demon.)
RESET SPACIAL DENSITY TO DEFAULT SETTING
(Master Control Solidified chopping off Eamonn's fist. Drone squad picked it up, probably to do tests on it potential to be a new power source.)
DELETION OF ORGANIC LIFE:100%
(Joe-Jack turned away but could still hear Eamonn scream that came to sudden abrupt end. He had being Atomised.)
Please tell me that my refusal t'help Eamonn meant his death next year? Is this a shadow of things t'come or mioght be? I CAN NOT,SEEING THIS, HAVE THIS ON MY SOUL
YOU'RE SOUL IS MINE,BITCH!
(The cowl flew up with theatric abandon in storm of flame, smoke,feathers and chains. The spirit of the future was SatanicOstrich! as the chains wrapped around Joe-Jack,it was no more than his bed sheets wrapped around him.)
I'M ALIVE! I FEEL SO GIDDY SO EXCITED, But just t'make sure...
(he called out the window to a boy walking past)
You boy! Wot's today?
It's christmas day
I haven't missed it, thank god! Ya know da butchers in town? Is dere a goose in da window?
-I Would say so, It being a butchers and all!
(What a clever boy!) i will give ye 20 if ya buy it for me
Yeah right!
-I'm being earnest,and do it in 5 minutes, I'll give ya fifty!
(That night Eamonn had an unexpected 2 guests , 20lb goose and Joe-jack much to the shock of the female guest who bad-mouthed him.)
Who invited that prick?
I don't know he invited himself i don't know why he is acting this way but God Help Us!
God Help Everyone!
MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM ME AND I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU LOG ON HERE AND THE ENLIGHTENED PAGE FROM THE EDGE AGAIN IN THE NEW YEAR
EAMONN
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Monday, December 10, 2012
A Culchie christmas carol: Milk of Human Kindness, Gone off!
(Joe-Jack lines in blue)
Eamonn's lines in black
(IGNORANCE/NICK GRIFFIN LINE IN BLOOD)
(WANT/PARIS HILTON LINE IN PINK)
(PADRAIG'S LINE IN GREY)
(Hoping that sleeping in his bed would make his mind the difference between fantasy and reality, Joe-Jack went to bed.But woke at the stroke of One. As before, the clock wound it's hands to the hour. He established a sharp look-out for he wished to challenge the spirit on his appearance, as before a light signaled his arrival, as the lights was as dissimilar to the others as the spirits were themselves dissimilar.This was not the light as harsh as his father, or as dim as 80's Lad, This was the ruddy light of house-bulb. it was his kitchen light the crack of light followed as the kitchen door opened, the smell of hot meat and dried fruit wafted through, accompanied by a loud voice.
"Come In" it guffawed. "And know me better,man!"
The kitchen has been transformed, the wall covered in living green from red berries glistened. Heaped as some kind of throne were turkeys, geese, game-pies,poultry,brawn,a backboard of ribs, suckling pig on the table, long wreathes of sausages, mince-pies caskets of fresh and dried fruit, chestnuts, ice-cream,apple-tarts. The Giant Spirit took the form of Eamonn, in his hand a horned cup, Like the Horn of Plenty. filled with,being that the spirit took the form of Eamonn,some kind of Energy drink.
"Well of course it had t'be ye! Look at ya! wif ya big Happy head on ya! Y'are a perfect example ov wot Chtistmas does t'ya! Look at ya! Fat on food ye can't afford,paid wif money squandered. Look at ya wif ya head of missle-toes and ya bath-robe!"
"You've never seen the likes of me before?
"Oh! i've seen gobshites like ye before!
Then you never seen my two thousand and eleven brothers?
What happened t'dem? DIDYA EAT'EM FATBOY?
(The spirit shrank to the size of a man and hit Joe-jack over the brow of his head with his chalice)
Touch my robe
(he did,though only with the compulsion of not being hit again.)
(When he did,the food vanished.)
Awww, Oi was so weak wif hunger, i'd bite the butt of a low-flyin' duck, so i would!
If it's food you desire,here is a dish you never had.
(he poured a creamy liquid from a flask into his chalice. It was a silver-sheened substance that had a milky texture, it had the taste of milk too, but though served at room temperature, it warmed up the chest of the miser as it passed through it. It made him giddy, skittish and excitable.)
Dat drink be gawjus! Wot is it?
It is a dish that you never had, but it is enjoyed by king and commoner alike. It is the Milk of Human Kindness!
Oi hav' tasted the wondrous elixir of life, and Under your instruction conduct me so!
(The spirit opened the door and both men went into town. They went to a house party where Eamonn was a guest.)
Thank you,thank you all for you inviting me here tonight, And may I say i would like to propose a toast to Joe-Jack!
(SILENCE)
.....You're kidding right? said a male guest
"Why would you ruin our dinner by mentioning him?"Said a female guest "I never met the man personally but from what you told us, I would give him a piece of my mind and let him choke on it!
Please! it's Christmas!
"Oh I'll drink for your sake and for the day" she continued"But not for that stingy odious,unfeeling man as Mr Diculchie! I'll drink for your health, Eamonn, Not his!Merry Christmas to him...to which he'll have, no doubt!
(After Drinks and dessert,the guests as with all dinner-parties hosted and attended by Childless Adults,started with games Eamonn was guessing in a game of 20 Questions after guessing that it was an animal that lived on a farm, that was dirty, stupid and growled, Eamonn wasted 16 questions on "wrong" answers
Okay i give up!
-Why, it's your Joe-Jack!(Loud Laughter)
Is dat how da world see's me? As an Animal?
I'm afraid so, but i feel you are (cough) learning your lesson!
(when spirit coughed, he went transparent, for a brief moment, Joe-jack saw 3 figures instead of 1.)
Is Dere more ov ya?
(2 dishevelled ragged children, a boy and a girl emerged)
LOOK AT THEM! They are Man's children. And there greatest enemies. This(pointing to the boy dressed as Nick Griffin) is Ignorance!
Me hates every Jew except Jesus! But he would never pass Dover if me Prime Minister!
And this (pointing to the girl dressed as Paris Hilton) is Want
I WANTZ IT!
Beware them both! but beware more of the boy. All i see written is the palms is doom to those who follow him.
Is dere no place for dem?
ARE THERE NO BULLETS? ARE THERE NO RIVERS?
(The ghosts abandoned Joe-jack in a dialect street, as the statement was repeated over and over, as bullets shot out at him. He ran to a river and Jumped in. On the river bed was Padraig's Ghost)
YOUR MISERABLE FUTURE! REMEMBER IT!
(Joe-Jack screamed as he woke outside face first in a puddle. he tried to get back in, but the door-knob as hot to the touch. He heard the Church bell toll the hour of 3.Each toll sounding like a judge gavel calling order on him. Or passing a Divine Judgement. Turning slowly and refusing not to look,he had to and Saw the reaper looming over.
Eamonn's lines in black
(IGNORANCE/NICK GRIFFIN LINE IN BLOOD)
(WANT/PARIS HILTON LINE IN PINK)
(PADRAIG'S LINE IN GREY)
(Hoping that sleeping in his bed would make his mind the difference between fantasy and reality, Joe-Jack went to bed.But woke at the stroke of One. As before, the clock wound it's hands to the hour. He established a sharp look-out for he wished to challenge the spirit on his appearance, as before a light signaled his arrival, as the lights was as dissimilar to the others as the spirits were themselves dissimilar.This was not the light as harsh as his father, or as dim as 80's Lad, This was the ruddy light of house-bulb. it was his kitchen light the crack of light followed as the kitchen door opened, the smell of hot meat and dried fruit wafted through, accompanied by a loud voice.
"Come In" it guffawed. "And know me better,man!"
The kitchen has been transformed, the wall covered in living green from red berries glistened. Heaped as some kind of throne were turkeys, geese, game-pies,poultry,brawn,a backboard of ribs, suckling pig on the table, long wreathes of sausages, mince-pies caskets of fresh and dried fruit, chestnuts, ice-cream,apple-tarts. The Giant Spirit took the form of Eamonn, in his hand a horned cup, Like the Horn of Plenty. filled with,being that the spirit took the form of Eamonn,some kind of Energy drink.
"Well of course it had t'be ye! Look at ya! wif ya big Happy head on ya! Y'are a perfect example ov wot Chtistmas does t'ya! Look at ya! Fat on food ye can't afford,paid wif money squandered. Look at ya wif ya head of missle-toes and ya bath-robe!"
"You've never seen the likes of me before?
"Oh! i've seen gobshites like ye before!
Then you never seen my two thousand and eleven brothers?
What happened t'dem? DIDYA EAT'EM FATBOY?
(The spirit shrank to the size of a man and hit Joe-jack over the brow of his head with his chalice)
Touch my robe
(he did,though only with the compulsion of not being hit again.)
(When he did,the food vanished.)
Awww, Oi was so weak wif hunger, i'd bite the butt of a low-flyin' duck, so i would!
If it's food you desire,here is a dish you never had.
(he poured a creamy liquid from a flask into his chalice. It was a silver-sheened substance that had a milky texture, it had the taste of milk too, but though served at room temperature, it warmed up the chest of the miser as it passed through it. It made him giddy, skittish and excitable.)
Dat drink be gawjus! Wot is it?
It is a dish that you never had, but it is enjoyed by king and commoner alike. It is the Milk of Human Kindness!
Oi hav' tasted the wondrous elixir of life, and Under your instruction conduct me so!
(The spirit opened the door and both men went into town. They went to a house party where Eamonn was a guest.)
Thank you,thank you all for you inviting me here tonight, And may I say i would like to propose a toast to Joe-Jack!
(SILENCE)
.....You're kidding right? said a male guest
"Why would you ruin our dinner by mentioning him?"Said a female guest "I never met the man personally but from what you told us, I would give him a piece of my mind and let him choke on it!
Please! it's Christmas!
"Oh I'll drink for your sake and for the day" she continued"But not for that stingy odious,unfeeling man as Mr Diculchie! I'll drink for your health, Eamonn, Not his!Merry Christmas to him...to which he'll have, no doubt!
(After Drinks and dessert,the guests as with all dinner-parties hosted and attended by Childless Adults,started with games Eamonn was guessing in a game of 20 Questions after guessing that it was an animal that lived on a farm, that was dirty, stupid and growled, Eamonn wasted 16 questions on "wrong" answers
Okay i give up!
-Why, it's your Joe-Jack!(Loud Laughter)
Is dat how da world see's me? As an Animal?
I'm afraid so, but i feel you are (cough) learning your lesson!
(when spirit coughed, he went transparent, for a brief moment, Joe-jack saw 3 figures instead of 1.)
Is Dere more ov ya?
(2 dishevelled ragged children, a boy and a girl emerged)
LOOK AT THEM! They are Man's children. And there greatest enemies. This(pointing to the boy dressed as Nick Griffin) is Ignorance!
Me hates every Jew except Jesus! But he would never pass Dover if me Prime Minister!
And this (pointing to the girl dressed as Paris Hilton) is Want
I WANTZ IT!
Beware them both! but beware more of the boy. All i see written is the palms is doom to those who follow him.
Is dere no place for dem?
ARE THERE NO BULLETS? ARE THERE NO RIVERS?
(The ghosts abandoned Joe-jack in a dialect street, as the statement was repeated over and over, as bullets shot out at him. He ran to a river and Jumped in. On the river bed was Padraig's Ghost)
YOUR MISERABLE FUTURE! REMEMBER IT!
(Joe-Jack screamed as he woke outside face first in a puddle. he tried to get back in, but the door-knob as hot to the touch. He heard the Church bell toll the hour of 3.Each toll sounding like a judge gavel calling order on him. Or passing a Divine Judgement. Turning slowly and refusing not to look,he had to and Saw the reaper looming over.
Monday, December 3, 2012
A Culchie christmas carol: Part 2 who are you calling a fruitcake man?
(Narration in brackets)
(JOE-JACK AND MAMMY'S LINE IN BLUE)
80's LAD LINES IN ORANGE)
(When Joe-jack awoke, it was still dark, climbing out of his chair, he gazed at the clock, the clocks where at 4 and 5 but they then went up to 12! TWELVE! But it was 2 o'clock when he went back to sleep! he counted every 15 minutes that past)
tick...tick
Quarer pasht
tick..tick
half pasht
tick...tick
Quar'er too
(tick..tick..DONG!)
THE HOUR ITSELF AND NUTHIN' ELSE!
(As before the room was lit-up by a light but instead of the harsh light of the fire it was the dull blue glow of the broken tv set. the screen repaired itself like a scarred tissue. the screen started to potray christmas films and specials.)
"Da telly's not broken at all, it's only showing Shite from da 80's.
DUUUUDDDDEE1 WHO ARE YOU CALLING A SHITE FROM THE 80'S?
(Stepping out the television the spirit took the form of 80's lad. Standing in a festive coloured version of his suit and a crown of holly topped by a backwards hat, he spoke.
DUDE!I am the, like, totally radical Ghost of Christmas Past?
-Long past?
No, Your Past, Dude!
-What is ye want?
-Not want,man! Provide!
-Provide what?
-Your Welfare!
Welfare? ye realise ye took da form of da little shite that might or might not be makin' Dem Tantalus Phones?
"your reclamation then" he replied "Walk with me!"
(the spirit drew the curtains and opened the double windows)
-Come!
Y'not serious! I cant fly!
Yes you can. All you have to do is jump!
(Joe-Jack climbed the couch and jumped, falling awkwardly on his guts!
AHAHAHAHA! DUDE!I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FELL FOR THAT! WHAT A DWEEB!
(Joe-jack pointed his gun at him.)
Hey not cool, man! Fine you can hold my hand,NO HOMO!
Picking up Joe-Jack, the spirit let him fly 30 years into the past. 80's lad starts to sing "Walking in the air but his voice gets deeper.
"DUUUDDDE! I think my voice just broke!
Landing on a dirt road, they faced a pub. Joe-Jack's face lit up.
DIS...dis is Fitzy's pub!
You know this place?
Know it? i could walk the floor blindfolded.
"Ya know, dis is da first place oi gotz my first job as a bar-man, it was easy though, coz me Da was fiddle-playah in da pub band.
Going through the doors 2 men went through the two heroes.
"OH PUHLEASE! Everyone and it's sweet mama has read/seen christmas carol! Do i even have to explain?
(Inside there was a riotous party. Onstage Padraig was playing the fiddle while a young Joe-jack was tending bar. Until both DiCulchie men saw Mammie leaving with a well dressed handsome stranger.
"No Spirit" said Joe-Jack "Don't show what happens next."
the spirit stood stoically and stared coldly at him.
Please, i cant live again what happened, Please spirit, show Mercy!
I will show as much Mercy as you have shown in life!"
(under protest, the spirit teleported Joe-Jack to the guest rooms. In the Memory replayed, Padraig was cursing at Joe-Jack to open the door, he did and saw mammy and the Stranger in bed. Padraig ran in cursing, beating on this smarmy cad. Th first of many victims!)
Mammy,who woz dat man?
He woz one of our guests
Wot woz his name? TELL ME!
(CRYING) I Dunno HE WOZ FOREIGN!!
Why can't i change dis? Why bring me back if i cant change dis?
These are shadows of events past, you cannot do anything!
Then remove me from dis place, if you value my welfare and reclamation, then for my welfare reclaim me from dis place
(the room and spirit went out of focus and Joe-jack woke to see the broken tv, still broken crackling and changing channels automatically sending an eerie message.
Don't go anywhere!...Joe...Jack...Because...In An Hour...Another...Ghost....will Arrive!(before switching off for good!)
(JOE-JACK AND MAMMY'S LINE IN BLUE)
80's LAD LINES IN ORANGE)
(When Joe-jack awoke, it was still dark, climbing out of his chair, he gazed at the clock, the clocks where at 4 and 5 but they then went up to 12! TWELVE! But it was 2 o'clock when he went back to sleep! he counted every 15 minutes that past)
tick...tick
Quarer pasht
tick..tick
half pasht
tick...tick
Quar'er too
(tick..tick..DONG!)
THE HOUR ITSELF AND NUTHIN' ELSE!
(As before the room was lit-up by a light but instead of the harsh light of the fire it was the dull blue glow of the broken tv set. the screen repaired itself like a scarred tissue. the screen started to potray christmas films and specials.)
"Da telly's not broken at all, it's only showing Shite from da 80's.
DUUUUDDDDEE1 WHO ARE YOU CALLING A SHITE FROM THE 80'S?
(Stepping out the television the spirit took the form of 80's lad. Standing in a festive coloured version of his suit and a crown of holly topped by a backwards hat, he spoke.
DUDE!I am the, like, totally radical Ghost of Christmas Past?
-Long past?
No, Your Past, Dude!
-What is ye want?
-Not want,man! Provide!
-Provide what?
-Your Welfare!
Welfare? ye realise ye took da form of da little shite that might or might not be makin' Dem Tantalus Phones?
"your reclamation then" he replied "Walk with me!"
(the spirit drew the curtains and opened the double windows)
-Come!
Y'not serious! I cant fly!
Yes you can. All you have to do is jump!
(Joe-Jack climbed the couch and jumped, falling awkwardly on his guts!
AHAHAHAHA! DUDE!I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FELL FOR THAT! WHAT A DWEEB!
(Joe-jack pointed his gun at him.)
Hey not cool, man! Fine you can hold my hand,NO HOMO!
Picking up Joe-Jack, the spirit let him fly 30 years into the past. 80's lad starts to sing "Walking in the air but his voice gets deeper.
"DUUUDDDE! I think my voice just broke!
Landing on a dirt road, they faced a pub. Joe-Jack's face lit up.
DIS...dis is Fitzy's pub!
You know this place?
Know it? i could walk the floor blindfolded.
"Ya know, dis is da first place oi gotz my first job as a bar-man, it was easy though, coz me Da was fiddle-playah in da pub band.
Going through the doors 2 men went through the two heroes.
"OH PUHLEASE! Everyone and it's sweet mama has read/seen christmas carol! Do i even have to explain?
(Inside there was a riotous party. Onstage Padraig was playing the fiddle while a young Joe-jack was tending bar. Until both DiCulchie men saw Mammie leaving with a well dressed handsome stranger.
"No Spirit" said Joe-Jack "Don't show what happens next."
the spirit stood stoically and stared coldly at him.
Please, i cant live again what happened, Please spirit, show Mercy!
I will show as much Mercy as you have shown in life!"
(under protest, the spirit teleported Joe-Jack to the guest rooms. In the Memory replayed, Padraig was cursing at Joe-Jack to open the door, he did and saw mammy and the Stranger in bed. Padraig ran in cursing, beating on this smarmy cad. Th first of many victims!)
Mammy,who woz dat man?
He woz one of our guests
Wot woz his name? TELL ME!
(CRYING) I Dunno HE WOZ FOREIGN!!
Why can't i change dis? Why bring me back if i cant change dis?
These are shadows of events past, you cannot do anything!
Then remove me from dis place, if you value my welfare and reclamation, then for my welfare reclaim me from dis place
(the room and spirit went out of focus and Joe-jack woke to see the broken tv, still broken crackling and changing channels automatically sending an eerie message.
Don't go anywhere!...Joe...Jack...Because...In An Hour...Another...Ghost....will Arrive!(before switching off for good!)
Monday, November 26, 2012
A CULCHIE CHRISTMAS CAROL:PART 1-BAG OV HUMBUGS
(narration in brackets)
(EAMONN AND THE GOD-BOTHERERS LINES IN BLACK)
(jOE-JACK'S LINES IN BLUE)
(Padraig's lines in grey)
(Joe-jack's father was dead.
Of this fact it was undisputed.
And yet, Never once in the 17 years Padraig DiCulchie had died, Did Joe-jack take down the sign that claimed his house as a bnb)
(His father was a landlord in life and in a more previous life, he was a musician, The house was always filled with music,but something happened when Joe-jack was a boy and the hotblooded father's heart turned cold. And turned to murder the tourists he once welcomed. He never took down the sign as a testament to continue his father's xenophobic ways.)
(But unlike his father, Joe-jack was tight. Oh, he was a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching old Sinner, the cold within him thickened his voice, lengthened his beard, nipped his beard and left a frosty rim as a hairline. No-one stopped Joe-jack to say "hello" to him,lest he get an earful of whatever petty grudge he had against that person stewing in that warped head of his.)
(One day after turning 3 Tantalos Drones back into villagers after the Black Knight review, Joe-Jack was in his office (Actually a broken down toilet,it was the only place where joe-jack's smell would not be complained about!) When Eamonn came in.)
Merry Christmas Joe-jack!
Merry Christmas, says you? YE CAN FUCK YA MERRY CHRISTMAS,SO YA CAN!
-Surely you don't mean that?
-Bah Humbug
-Now don't be cross!...
-WOT ELSE CAN I BE? Wot would o'fools is dis? when we are in recession,and instead ov balancin' bukes, we find ourselves a year older and not an hour richer! If Oi had moi way, I'd make sure every eejit wif "merry Christmas" on his lips be honeyglazed and roasted with his own ham! And buried with a stake ov holly tru his heart, so he should!
Joe-Jack!
-Townie bastid, let me celebrate Christmas my way!
Celebrate it? you don't celebrate it! you curse it!
GET OV MY LAND!
-....It's a toilet...
-*GUNSHOT*
(That night at his house,Joe-jack sat in the living room staring at the broken tv, he just broke, as the Christmas ads got on his nerves, his mother had returned from bingo, But by let her in he had let two Godbotherers come to his door.
(the first well dressed, fat man gazed at the sign.) it seems to a bnb but it's not registered on any website...
WADYAWONT???!?
Pardon me to ask if i am addressing Mr Diculchie or his son?
I am da sun! but me dad has being shtone dead fer 17 yar! 17 yar tonight!
At this festive time, sir, It is desirable for those in business to put provision aside for the poor and destitute, Do you have an amount to give?
Yes.
Splendid! how much can i put you down for?
Nuthin' but tell me dis if want to sort out the homeless,tell me dis? Are There no Bullets?
Yes, I would prefer if their weren't...
And Are There no Rivers?
Why yes we passed one getting here....
THEN SHOOT DA QUICK BASTIDS AND DROWN THE SLOW BASTIDS!
(And with that he closed the door with a forceful shove, the noise loosened a picture of Joe-jack's father, picking it up, it seemed to glare disappointingly at his son.)
That night, Joe-Jack slept uneasy as the fire died down,Staring half-asleep at the embers, The clock struck 12 times. For each chime, the dying fire rekindled it's flames, dancing like Satan's merry minions in the bowels of the Inferno, the smoke wreathed around the room, forming a man who similar in build,and size and face of Joe-Jack.
Who are ya?
-Ask me who i woz!
Who Woz y..
-Ah da chake ov ya! Doncha recognize ya Auld Man?
Noah! DIS IS A DREAM! YE ARENT REAL!
Why do ya mistrust ye own senses?
Cos things can play tricks on dem! this is no more than a bout ov Indigestion! you may be a bit ov beef, a squart ov mustard, a crumb ov cheese, dat piece of uncooked potato in my teeth. Dere's more of gravy than of grave abou' ya,wotever ya are!
So ye think Oi'm Inter-ma-gestion d'ya?
Ya!
Can INDIGESTION DO DIS?
(Despite being weight down by chains, Padraig kicked Joe-jack in the balls!)
DERE'S YA INDIGESTION, YA SHITEHAWK!
(Cough) Okay so ye'ar real! But tell me, Why didya come back?
In Life, Every Man's Soul's Duty is to share all with his fellah man, coz if he doesn't in life, He must do so in Death. And-WOE IS ME!-For 17 yar Oi've bein' travellin'-t'teach miserable gobshites like ye who would sleep on the floor if dere woz work in da bed!
Tonight ye will be visited by Three ghosts
-good only 2 more
3 More GHOSTS,Not counting myself! Take heed ov dem. Each of dem will come by the hour.
(the Smoke starts to disipate up the chimley)
My time is short, remember what oi said, look for me no more, for you will see your miserable future!
(Up the Chimney went the spirit of Padraig DiCulchie. Not obeying his father, he looked out the window to see His father, rejoined the ranks of the Legion of the Dammed, Mocking and taunting a homeless man sleeping rough. What wretched Philosophy did they practice? That they suffering in death can take joy from the suffering of the living? Joe-jack turned to fire it had burned out despite it blazing like hell mere moments ago.
(EAMONN AND THE GOD-BOTHERERS LINES IN BLACK)
(jOE-JACK'S LINES IN BLUE)
(Padraig's lines in grey)
(Joe-jack's father was dead.
Of this fact it was undisputed.
And yet, Never once in the 17 years Padraig DiCulchie had died, Did Joe-jack take down the sign that claimed his house as a bnb)
(His father was a landlord in life and in a more previous life, he was a musician, The house was always filled with music,but something happened when Joe-jack was a boy and the hotblooded father's heart turned cold. And turned to murder the tourists he once welcomed. He never took down the sign as a testament to continue his father's xenophobic ways.)
(But unlike his father, Joe-jack was tight. Oh, he was a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching old Sinner, the cold within him thickened his voice, lengthened his beard, nipped his beard and left a frosty rim as a hairline. No-one stopped Joe-jack to say "hello" to him,lest he get an earful of whatever petty grudge he had against that person stewing in that warped head of his.)
(One day after turning 3 Tantalos Drones back into villagers after the Black Knight review, Joe-Jack was in his office (Actually a broken down toilet,it was the only place where joe-jack's smell would not be complained about!) When Eamonn came in.)
Merry Christmas Joe-jack!
Merry Christmas, says you? YE CAN FUCK YA MERRY CHRISTMAS,SO YA CAN!
-Surely you don't mean that?
-Bah Humbug
-Now don't be cross!...
-WOT ELSE CAN I BE? Wot would o'fools is dis? when we are in recession,and instead ov balancin' bukes, we find ourselves a year older and not an hour richer! If Oi had moi way, I'd make sure every eejit wif "merry Christmas" on his lips be honeyglazed and roasted with his own ham! And buried with a stake ov holly tru his heart, so he should!
Joe-Jack!
-Townie bastid, let me celebrate Christmas my way!
Celebrate it? you don't celebrate it! you curse it!
GET OV MY LAND!
-....It's a toilet...
-*GUNSHOT*
(That night at his house,Joe-jack sat in the living room staring at the broken tv, he just broke, as the Christmas ads got on his nerves, his mother had returned from bingo, But by let her in he had let two Godbotherers come to his door.
(the first well dressed, fat man gazed at the sign.) it seems to a bnb but it's not registered on any website...
WADYAWONT???!?
Pardon me to ask if i am addressing Mr Diculchie or his son?
I am da sun! but me dad has being shtone dead fer 17 yar! 17 yar tonight!
At this festive time, sir, It is desirable for those in business to put provision aside for the poor and destitute, Do you have an amount to give?
Yes.
Splendid! how much can i put you down for?
Nuthin' but tell me dis if want to sort out the homeless,tell me dis? Are There no Bullets?
Yes, I would prefer if their weren't...
And Are There no Rivers?
Why yes we passed one getting here....
THEN SHOOT DA QUICK BASTIDS AND DROWN THE SLOW BASTIDS!
(And with that he closed the door with a forceful shove, the noise loosened a picture of Joe-jack's father, picking it up, it seemed to glare disappointingly at his son.)
That night, Joe-Jack slept uneasy as the fire died down,Staring half-asleep at the embers, The clock struck 12 times. For each chime, the dying fire rekindled it's flames, dancing like Satan's merry minions in the bowels of the Inferno, the smoke wreathed around the room, forming a man who similar in build,and size and face of Joe-Jack.
Who are ya?
-Ask me who i woz!
Who Woz y..
-Ah da chake ov ya! Doncha recognize ya Auld Man?
Noah! DIS IS A DREAM! YE ARENT REAL!
Why do ya mistrust ye own senses?
Cos things can play tricks on dem! this is no more than a bout ov Indigestion! you may be a bit ov beef, a squart ov mustard, a crumb ov cheese, dat piece of uncooked potato in my teeth. Dere's more of gravy than of grave abou' ya,wotever ya are!
So ye think Oi'm Inter-ma-gestion d'ya?
Ya!
Can INDIGESTION DO DIS?
(Despite being weight down by chains, Padraig kicked Joe-jack in the balls!)
DERE'S YA INDIGESTION, YA SHITEHAWK!
(Cough) Okay so ye'ar real! But tell me, Why didya come back?
In Life, Every Man's Soul's Duty is to share all with his fellah man, coz if he doesn't in life, He must do so in Death. And-WOE IS ME!-For 17 yar Oi've bein' travellin'-t'teach miserable gobshites like ye who would sleep on the floor if dere woz work in da bed!
Tonight ye will be visited by Three ghosts
-good only 2 more
3 More GHOSTS,Not counting myself! Take heed ov dem. Each of dem will come by the hour.
(the Smoke starts to disipate up the chimley)
My time is short, remember what oi said, look for me no more, for you will see your miserable future!
(Up the Chimney went the spirit of Padraig DiCulchie. Not obeying his father, he looked out the window to see His father, rejoined the ranks of the Legion of the Dammed, Mocking and taunting a homeless man sleeping rough. What wretched Philosophy did they practice? That they suffering in death can take joy from the suffering of the living? Joe-jack turned to fire it had burned out despite it blazing like hell mere moments ago.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Eamonn reviews Black Knight part 2
(THE STORY SO FAR....
The new technology wave has finally made it's way to Da Wesht ov Ireland, Leading the way is the Tantalos Corporation, Headed by Butt-craic's own Edwin Tantalos, a man that most of Butt-craic cannot remember, but at least his factory's phones are cheap! despite that one little glitch of turning people into the silvery Anomaly that "saved" 80's Lad! and why does Tantalos look like him aged by 30 years?
Meanwhile, Eamonn still stuck in Butt-Craic, reviewed Black Knight, a horrible, Historically inaccurate honking heap of horse-shit! Here Martin Lawrence plays the character he always plays, is transported back to middle ages England, where surprisingly their are Black and Asian people speaking English, with English accents! After inventing r'nb, and trouncing assassins to the evil king, Jamal was made a Lord and planned on inventing Fast food restaurants. Life was good for the rubber-faced Dick-head!)
....Until the king orders Jamal to kill a man for stealing a turnip! His back turned Jamal lets him go.
After pretending to sleep with Victoria to stop the randy guards from eavesdropping, Jamal is convinced by today's actions to help the rebellion,while at the same time, be a yellow-belly spineless coward! Later that night a silhouette of a young woman with curly hair enters Jamal's Quarters. The next morning the real messenger from Normandy has arrived. Not only has the lie being found out, the bait and switch is revealed as Jamal has just macked Princess Regina's Royal BOOT-AY!
So King Leo has ordered the guards to clap Jamal in Irons.
CALLED IT!
In prison, the assassins tell Jamal the legend of the black knight, a Man who wielded a golden sword and ate a dragon's heart to gain his fire-breathing powers.
So Jamal is to be executed, but he says he is a sorcerer, he use a lighter, but the locals are unimpressed,
"We've Got Fire!"
I can't believe how Genre Savvy that line was!
As an executioner who was eating melon starts to choke, the crowd of hundreds who saw him eat the melon goes Genre Blind and calls it a "curse of death". Jamal performs the Heimlich on him. Getting Cocky, he says that he will make the sun fall, a fiery arrow strikes the royal box making a woman scream"it's the sun"
Lady, you act like you never seen an arrow before!
It's revealed that Nolte is firing said arrows as Victoria dreys a get-away carriage, Jamal falls out but Nolte gives him a ride to the Rebel base.
Victoria is angry that Jamal had raided the princess'"treasure cave". Jamal promises to bring her to 2001, but Victoria wants to fight the queen despite the others treating her like a servant.
So Nolte is ambushed by Percival's men, But Jamal beats them with simple boxing, a form of combat re-invented by knights to practice their sword fighting techniques in peace times. So in reality Jamal would have had his ass handed to him.
But When Jamal is outnumbered, Nolte comes to his rescue. Returning to camp, it has being burnt down and Victoria kidnapped, As Jamal tries to rally the remaining rebels, the Queen reveals herself!
After a badly-acted monologue, Jamal steps up to give a speech befitting a political rally. We have a Montage of jamal training the peasants in American Football (or Soft-Boy Rugby as i can it!) and wrestling as this- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ROzGihgCj8 plays out!
The night before the siege, Jamal gives Nolte his sneakers, Nolte has a gift too, a knights helmet, During the night Jamal spray-paints the helmet black and melts some gold over a sword...
So rebels are being killed off left right and centre, Until Jamal as the Black Knight returns! Jamal also fitted his spraycan and lighter to"breathe fire". So an unarmed Jamal with his theatrics is enough to defeat skilled knight armed with weapons! Percival kills King Leo and Nolte, who gives Jamal his sword.
Jamal defeats Percy in armed Combat but an ambush is halted when Percival is killed by an arrow, it turns out that Nolte PULLED OUT THE ARROW THAT WAS KILLING HIM AND WITH HIS DYING BIT OF STRENGTH, KILLED HIS KILLER WITH THE ARROW THAT DONE HIM IN!
I'm Sorry but that's fucking awesome!
So as Jamal is being knighted it turns out that he bumped his head of a shopping trolley in the moat and was in a coma,
He time-travelled via head injury to solve a long forgotten crime!
You know where I'm Going with this!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIMP6-KBSCs
So Jamal plans on giving Boss Stick some ideas for the park, Six weeks later a newly refurbished Medieval world is raking in customers, Jamal is working at the batting cages(?) when he meets Victoria's modern day counter part? Anyway when he goes to ask her number, he falls in the moat and ends up in the coliseum, chased by lions!
THIS FILM SUCKS!...but it's not the worst!
We actually get some pretty decent development of Jamal, Victoria and Nolte, all of these characters have put themselves in miserable existence that they could has gotten out of themselves with some courage, For Jamal it's a sense of Honour and humility that would help him get back home, for Victoria the serving wench in an arranged marriage (which was never really discussed) got over herself, or rather she would if the rebels didn't realise that she really was the brains of the outfit, and finally Nolte got over his shame of being drunk in the queen's service as the queen forgave him and his heroic sacrifice was awesome!
However, as pointed out frequently, the story has padding, and huge historically inaccuracies, there was also the loose end of what happened to the princess after the Sex scene? was she killed? banished? we never find out! the ending was sequel Bait but who's biting? the lesson was learned and so the sequel would not be need!
So that was Black Knight, a film as historically accurate as Hysteria!
CREDITS
Black Knight review was written, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
with Music and footage
in part 1:
Clips from:
Black Knight
Star wars episodeIII: REVENGE OF THE SITH
With music:
Back in time by Eiffiel 65
In Part 2:
Clips from:
Life from Mars
with music:
James Brown- Get up offa that thing
Black knight is property of 20TH Century fox and all clips belong to their respected owners.
All rights reserved.
Follow me on the TGWTG FORUM as EnlightenedIrishman, or friend me at youtube at
http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
The new technology wave has finally made it's way to Da Wesht ov Ireland, Leading the way is the Tantalos Corporation, Headed by Butt-craic's own Edwin Tantalos, a man that most of Butt-craic cannot remember, but at least his factory's phones are cheap! despite that one little glitch of turning people into the silvery Anomaly that "saved" 80's Lad! and why does Tantalos look like him aged by 30 years?
Meanwhile, Eamonn still stuck in Butt-Craic, reviewed Black Knight, a horrible, Historically inaccurate honking heap of horse-shit! Here Martin Lawrence plays the character he always plays, is transported back to middle ages England, where surprisingly their are Black and Asian people speaking English, with English accents! After inventing r'nb, and trouncing assassins to the evil king, Jamal was made a Lord and planned on inventing Fast food restaurants. Life was good for the rubber-faced Dick-head!)
....Until the king orders Jamal to kill a man for stealing a turnip! His back turned Jamal lets him go.
After pretending to sleep with Victoria to stop the randy guards from eavesdropping, Jamal is convinced by today's actions to help the rebellion,while at the same time, be a yellow-belly spineless coward! Later that night a silhouette of a young woman with curly hair enters Jamal's Quarters. The next morning the real messenger from Normandy has arrived. Not only has the lie being found out, the bait and switch is revealed as Jamal has just macked Princess Regina's Royal BOOT-AY!
So King Leo has ordered the guards to clap Jamal in Irons.
CALLED IT!
In prison, the assassins tell Jamal the legend of the black knight, a Man who wielded a golden sword and ate a dragon's heart to gain his fire-breathing powers.
So Jamal is to be executed, but he says he is a sorcerer, he use a lighter, but the locals are unimpressed,
"We've Got Fire!"
I can't believe how Genre Savvy that line was!
As an executioner who was eating melon starts to choke, the crowd of hundreds who saw him eat the melon goes Genre Blind and calls it a "curse of death". Jamal performs the Heimlich on him. Getting Cocky, he says that he will make the sun fall, a fiery arrow strikes the royal box making a woman scream"it's the sun"
Lady, you act like you never seen an arrow before!
It's revealed that Nolte is firing said arrows as Victoria dreys a get-away carriage, Jamal falls out but Nolte gives him a ride to the Rebel base.
Victoria is angry that Jamal had raided the princess'"treasure cave". Jamal promises to bring her to 2001, but Victoria wants to fight the queen despite the others treating her like a servant.
So Nolte is ambushed by Percival's men, But Jamal beats them with simple boxing, a form of combat re-invented by knights to practice their sword fighting techniques in peace times. So in reality Jamal would have had his ass handed to him.
But When Jamal is outnumbered, Nolte comes to his rescue. Returning to camp, it has being burnt down and Victoria kidnapped, As Jamal tries to rally the remaining rebels, the Queen reveals herself!
After a badly-acted monologue, Jamal steps up to give a speech befitting a political rally. We have a Montage of jamal training the peasants in American Football (or Soft-Boy Rugby as i can it!) and wrestling as this- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ROzGihgCj8 plays out!
The night before the siege, Jamal gives Nolte his sneakers, Nolte has a gift too, a knights helmet, During the night Jamal spray-paints the helmet black and melts some gold over a sword...
So rebels are being killed off left right and centre, Until Jamal as the Black Knight returns! Jamal also fitted his spraycan and lighter to"breathe fire". So an unarmed Jamal with his theatrics is enough to defeat skilled knight armed with weapons! Percival kills King Leo and Nolte, who gives Jamal his sword.
Jamal defeats Percy in armed Combat but an ambush is halted when Percival is killed by an arrow, it turns out that Nolte PULLED OUT THE ARROW THAT WAS KILLING HIM AND WITH HIS DYING BIT OF STRENGTH, KILLED HIS KILLER WITH THE ARROW THAT DONE HIM IN!
I'm Sorry but that's fucking awesome!
So as Jamal is being knighted it turns out that he bumped his head of a shopping trolley in the moat and was in a coma,
He time-travelled via head injury to solve a long forgotten crime!
You know where I'm Going with this!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIMP6-KBSCs
So Jamal plans on giving Boss Stick some ideas for the park, Six weeks later a newly refurbished Medieval world is raking in customers, Jamal is working at the batting cages(?) when he meets Victoria's modern day counter part? Anyway when he goes to ask her number, he falls in the moat and ends up in the coliseum, chased by lions!
THIS FILM SUCKS!...but it's not the worst!
We actually get some pretty decent development of Jamal, Victoria and Nolte, all of these characters have put themselves in miserable existence that they could has gotten out of themselves with some courage, For Jamal it's a sense of Honour and humility that would help him get back home, for Victoria the serving wench in an arranged marriage (which was never really discussed) got over herself, or rather she would if the rebels didn't realise that she really was the brains of the outfit, and finally Nolte got over his shame of being drunk in the queen's service as the queen forgave him and his heroic sacrifice was awesome!
However, as pointed out frequently, the story has padding, and huge historically inaccuracies, there was also the loose end of what happened to the princess after the Sex scene? was she killed? banished? we never find out! the ending was sequel Bait but who's biting? the lesson was learned and so the sequel would not be need!
So that was Black Knight, a film as historically accurate as Hysteria!
CREDITS
Black Knight review was written, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
with Music and footage
in part 1:
Clips from:
Black Knight
Star wars episodeIII: REVENGE OF THE SITH
With music:
Back in time by Eiffiel 65
In Part 2:
Clips from:
Life from Mars
with music:
James Brown- Get up offa that thing
Black knight is property of 20TH Century fox and all clips belong to their respected owners.
All rights reserved.
Follow me on the TGWTG FORUM as EnlightenedIrishman, or friend me at youtube at
http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
Monday, October 22, 2012
Eamonn Reviews Black Knight Part 1
(EAMONN'S REVIEW IN BLACK)
(MARY'S LINES IN PINK)
(FATHER TACS-CRYME IN GREEN)
JOHNNY SPRINGCHICKEN IN BROWN
(???? IN GREY)
(THE STORY SO FAR...
THE SEARCH FOR EIGHTIES LAD CONTINUES, AS THE TEMPERLY DISPLACED SIDEKICK HAS BEING MISSING SINCE MARCH, HOWEVER HIS RETURN HAS BEING BRIEF AS EVERY TIME HE IS SEEN A STRANGE BEING WITH THE ABILITY TO SUBVERT REALITY, DELETES ANYTHING THAT GETS CLOSE. WITH THE DESPERATE SEARCH CONTINUING, It's hard to forget that life goes on elsewhere in the Village of Buttcraic...
(Mary's shop, Butt-craic, Da Wesht ov Ireland)
Mary is splitting up packs coke and drawing over NOT FOR SINGLE SALE with a black felt tip marker, when the village priest Fr. Tacs-Cryme Enters.
Good Mornin' Mary! Oi've come fer da Collection box, so i have!
Oh father! tell me dis, Is you doin' da mass on Saturday Nite?
NOAH! It's either going to be Fr. Sleese or Fr. Hip-O'Crite.
Not Fr.Perve or Fr.Lecher?
Noah! They'll be workin' at the orfanage!
(the Door bell ring again and in comes Aging lothario, Johnny Springchicken, Dress to the nines, his (remaining) Hair slicked back with pomade, holding a futuristic mobile phone.
What ye got dere, Johnny?
Dis is Da brand new Tantalos 666-1300! It's da mosht advanced phone on da market!
I never heard ov Tantalos?
Are you sure? Edwin Tantalos came from Butt-craic! and now he is a Multi-billionaire!
(Johnny pulls out a newspaper article of the local concillor shaking hands with Tantalos.It's Eighties Lad aged by 30 years! Over the picture the headline reads:
LOCAL MAN RETURNS WITH PHONE FACTORY AND NEW JOBS!
Johnny gets a phone call.)
Whos calling ya,
No-one! i have no-one in my contacts! Dat's why i came in here!
Hello?
(Out of the phone the silvery being engulfs Johnny, he collapses.)
Oh god he died! In me shop
Johnny are you okay?
("Johnny" rises his face and hands mere silver fragments of floating data.)
REJOICE! FOR TODAY! YOU WILL BE SAVED!
AND NOW! OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
This months theme: Back in time by Eifiel 65
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxWFlLEOC4s
With the Tripe that was nazis at the centre of the eath last month behind us, I throw punches to the far right. It's only fair i throw some punches at the left.
Lets talk about one of my bugbears when it comes to films
Political Correctness
Don't get me wrong,I am the most p.c man you will ever meet, I rarely make rascist jokes bar a character is blatantly a stereotype, Having a film with actors of different diversities usually adds a level of believability to the perfomance.
However that falls on it arse, when the setting is not modern times, Most black actors refuse to do westerns or slave-trade era films, but films about European history? When there was no Black people? Like say middle ages England?
(And Yes, I know Italy had Citizens of African Descent during that era, I've seen Doctor Who's Vampires in Venice too, unfortunatly!)
With World history about to be taken out in a Drive-by, this is Black Knight
The film starts with Martin Lawrence's Character of Jamal doing Martin Lawrence-esque Mugging the Camara, Jamal is a man full of himself and Dependent on technology.
Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen! The same character Martin Lawrence always plays!
Jamal lives in Normandy street, Los Angeles,
PLOT POINT!
He works in a run down medievil themed theme park. We are told that Jamal's workplace will be competing against a second Medievil themed park. Jamal thinks that rather than competing with Castle world, that they should cash-out. Mainly because Jamal has applied for a job there.
Our Hero Ladies and Gentl...OH WAIT I DID THAT JOKE ALREADY!
Because of his Smack talk, Boss Stick makes Jamal clean the moat, He has a play sword fight with a Colleague, until the gleam of a pendant in the moat catches Jamal's eye. He grabs it with intention of pawning it, but is pulled back in time to Middle Ages England emerging out of a a pristine lake and onto the Angered Attention of an unkempt Man.
Despite the moat not being connected to any river or open sewer, and in reality Jamal would ended up in the desert, Jamal thinks he has washed up on Castle World, the rival park. He mets Noltegue Marlborough though for quickness he is referred from now on as Nolte, a disgraced Knight who faints after a few minutes from a drunken stupor. After making Gay and Rascist Jokes, Jamal goes to perform Mouth-to-Mouth but Nolte's breath is rank making Jamal use a mint spray, reviving him. As gratitude Nolte brings him back to his camp, However Jamal thinks Nolte is a hobo, he gives him a dollar bill, to which he throw on the fire for warmth.
Exploring the woods, Jamal stumbles on a village where he is nearly ran over by Knights on Horseback, one of them is our Villian,Percival. Jamal thinking thats how Castle World haze new employees (I must point out that Jamal only APPLIED! for a job, he doesn't have it yet!) he goes to complain. After spouting stuff about L.A., when he mentions he is from Normandy (street), he is let inside. Still convinced he is at an amusement park, he overhears a puppet show telling the legend of the black knight.
PLOT POINT AND TITLE DROP!
Other side of the castle a princess and her ladies-in-waiting are discussing her arranged marraige, oh Did I mention that the princess....is BLACK!??!!?
IN ENGLAND! IN! THE! MIDDLE! FUCKING! AGES! IN BRITIAN! WHICH IS AN ISLAND! THAT WOULDN'T HAVE PORTS FOR ANOTHER 200 YEARS! IN ENGLAND! THE WARS WITH IRELAND WAS BECAUSE A CATHOLIC KING SUCCEEDED THE THRONE! THAT WOULD BE NOTHING IN COMPARSION! IF THE KING IN DARK AGES ENGLAND WAS DARK AS WELL!
Oh and 1 of the ladies in waiting is Asian.
Britain will not become dependent on paper, tea and opium and have a market for them to come over for another 500 years!
Calm down Eamonn you're just 15 minutes. As long as there is nothing Historically Inaccurate or Stupid you'll be...Oh who Am i Kidding?
So Jamal chants up Victoria using Ebonics, and considering he has masqueraded as a hated Norman, told guards he wanted to beat up guards and now chatting up a be throed woman, I think Jamal may be clapped in Irons!
So it was revealed she is not a princess as the dvd cover called her, but a chambermaid.
Makes more sense to be a servant, makes no sense why they are BLACK AND ASIAN PEOPLE SPEAKING ENGLISH, WITH ENGLISH ACCENTS!
Trying to score her number, she is impressed that Jamal can read and write. Then Percival appears, feeling up Victoria, Jamal calls him out and Percival calls him a Moor
HISTORY LESSON!
A "MOOR" was a African-Muslim during the Crusades.
A chamberlain tells Jamal that the king will see him. It's revealed that Jamal's last name is ....Skywalker
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWaLxFIVX1s
Because he believes is in theme park he doesn't realise the danger he has gotten into, pretending to be a messenger was punishable by death.
So Jamal gives a false message about the duke coming to marry the Princess Regina on Tuesday. I'm sure it would not turn and bite Jamal on the ass(!)
So Jamal is given a tour of the castle, but when he needs the toilet and has to use a privy, (a hole over a ditch!) he realises that this may just be the Middle Ages.
So...the lack of roads, the Sudden drop in temperature,the florae and faunae not found in California, the English accents, and fact that no-one understood every second word you said. And the only thing that has cracked your suspicion is having to pee and poo in a hole?
He realises that he has gone back in time, When a Rebel is beheaded in front of him.
Revived by Victoria in her quarters, its revealed that Jamal is in England circa 1328, the Medallion that bought Jamal to this time is unexpectedly hung around his neck is the symbol of the resistance movement that Victoria is a member of. But Jamal is not only greedy, he is a coward also.
So the King's Chamberlain returns to say that a horse is prepared for him. After a unfunny scene of trying to ride a horse, and a less funny scene with leeches, Jamal is invited to a banquet, After spouting some bull about fast food, Jamal is disturbed by Middle ages ettique, basically He has to wait another century for the fork to be invented, Still believing Jamal to be a Norman, King Leo requests that Jamal should dance
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-(CALMS DOWN!) some things cannot be put into words. They can only be seen!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LolQfg1Cw18
THAT'S RIGHT!
Martin Lawrence has turned 12th century England into the BIRTHPLACE!...OF R'NB!
Let it be known that not all us whiteys from Britain are squares!
While two rebels goes to kill Leo, as Darnce(BAD ENGLISH ACCENTS EXPLAINS THE SPELLING) the Princess Regina kisses jamal, Pissing off the knights in an attempt to save his own miserable life, Jamal inadvertently takes out the two rebel assassins.
As payment, King Leo makes Jamal a Lord, But Jamal doesn't want land, he has other ideas to make the kingdom Money, namely inventing the Frappecino!
Yes, coffee has existed since the Qur'an was written even more than that, but i doubt in the middle of the Crusades, halfway killing the Muslims that the templers were stopping at Starbucks!
and he wants to invent the fast food restaurants.
Remember that this was film to teach an arsehole an important life lesson? YEAH instead we are going to dick around with some filler
(the 3 drones teleport into the office.)
DELETE ALL ORGANICS!
Speaking of filler, I'm afraid we'll have to finish this review once we deal with these...things see you next week..unless we get deleted!
(MARY'S LINES IN PINK)
(FATHER TACS-CRYME IN GREEN)
JOHNNY SPRINGCHICKEN IN BROWN
(???? IN GREY)
(THE STORY SO FAR...
THE SEARCH FOR EIGHTIES LAD CONTINUES, AS THE TEMPERLY DISPLACED SIDEKICK HAS BEING MISSING SINCE MARCH, HOWEVER HIS RETURN HAS BEING BRIEF AS EVERY TIME HE IS SEEN A STRANGE BEING WITH THE ABILITY TO SUBVERT REALITY, DELETES ANYTHING THAT GETS CLOSE. WITH THE DESPERATE SEARCH CONTINUING, It's hard to forget that life goes on elsewhere in the Village of Buttcraic...
(Mary's shop, Butt-craic, Da Wesht ov Ireland)
Mary is splitting up packs coke and drawing over NOT FOR SINGLE SALE with a black felt tip marker, when the village priest Fr. Tacs-Cryme Enters.
Good Mornin' Mary! Oi've come fer da Collection box, so i have!
Oh father! tell me dis, Is you doin' da mass on Saturday Nite?
NOAH! It's either going to be Fr. Sleese or Fr. Hip-O'Crite.
Not Fr.Perve or Fr.Lecher?
Noah! They'll be workin' at the orfanage!
(the Door bell ring again and in comes Aging lothario, Johnny Springchicken, Dress to the nines, his (remaining) Hair slicked back with pomade, holding a futuristic mobile phone.
What ye got dere, Johnny?
Dis is Da brand new Tantalos 666-1300! It's da mosht advanced phone on da market!
I never heard ov Tantalos?
Are you sure? Edwin Tantalos came from Butt-craic! and now he is a Multi-billionaire!
(Johnny pulls out a newspaper article of the local concillor shaking hands with Tantalos.It's Eighties Lad aged by 30 years! Over the picture the headline reads:
LOCAL MAN RETURNS WITH PHONE FACTORY AND NEW JOBS!
Johnny gets a phone call.)
Whos calling ya,
No-one! i have no-one in my contacts! Dat's why i came in here!
Hello?
(Out of the phone the silvery being engulfs Johnny, he collapses.)
Oh god he died! In me shop
Johnny are you okay?
("Johnny" rises his face and hands mere silver fragments of floating data.)
REJOICE! FOR TODAY! YOU WILL BE SAVED!
AND NOW! OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
This months theme: Back in time by Eifiel 65
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxWFlLEOC4s
With the Tripe that was nazis at the centre of the eath last month behind us, I throw punches to the far right. It's only fair i throw some punches at the left.
Lets talk about one of my bugbears when it comes to films
Political Correctness
Don't get me wrong,I am the most p.c man you will ever meet, I rarely make rascist jokes bar a character is blatantly a stereotype, Having a film with actors of different diversities usually adds a level of believability to the perfomance.
However that falls on it arse, when the setting is not modern times, Most black actors refuse to do westerns or slave-trade era films, but films about European history? When there was no Black people? Like say middle ages England?
(And Yes, I know Italy had Citizens of African Descent during that era, I've seen Doctor Who's Vampires in Venice too, unfortunatly!)
With World history about to be taken out in a Drive-by, this is Black Knight
The film starts with Martin Lawrence's Character of Jamal doing Martin Lawrence-esque Mugging the Camara, Jamal is a man full of himself and Dependent on technology.
Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen! The same character Martin Lawrence always plays!
Jamal lives in Normandy street, Los Angeles,
PLOT POINT!
He works in a run down medievil themed theme park. We are told that Jamal's workplace will be competing against a second Medievil themed park. Jamal thinks that rather than competing with Castle world, that they should cash-out. Mainly because Jamal has applied for a job there.
Our Hero Ladies and Gentl...OH WAIT I DID THAT JOKE ALREADY!
Because of his Smack talk, Boss Stick makes Jamal clean the moat, He has a play sword fight with a Colleague, until the gleam of a pendant in the moat catches Jamal's eye. He grabs it with intention of pawning it, but is pulled back in time to Middle Ages England emerging out of a a pristine lake and onto the Angered Attention of an unkempt Man.
Despite the moat not being connected to any river or open sewer, and in reality Jamal would ended up in the desert, Jamal thinks he has washed up on Castle World, the rival park. He mets Noltegue Marlborough though for quickness he is referred from now on as Nolte, a disgraced Knight who faints after a few minutes from a drunken stupor. After making Gay and Rascist Jokes, Jamal goes to perform Mouth-to-Mouth but Nolte's breath is rank making Jamal use a mint spray, reviving him. As gratitude Nolte brings him back to his camp, However Jamal thinks Nolte is a hobo, he gives him a dollar bill, to which he throw on the fire for warmth.
Exploring the woods, Jamal stumbles on a village where he is nearly ran over by Knights on Horseback, one of them is our Villian,Percival. Jamal thinking thats how Castle World haze new employees (I must point out that Jamal only APPLIED! for a job, he doesn't have it yet!) he goes to complain. After spouting stuff about L.A., when he mentions he is from Normandy (street), he is let inside. Still convinced he is at an amusement park, he overhears a puppet show telling the legend of the black knight.
PLOT POINT AND TITLE DROP!
Other side of the castle a princess and her ladies-in-waiting are discussing her arranged marraige, oh Did I mention that the princess....is BLACK!??!!?
IN ENGLAND! IN! THE! MIDDLE! FUCKING! AGES! IN BRITIAN! WHICH IS AN ISLAND! THAT WOULDN'T HAVE PORTS FOR ANOTHER 200 YEARS! IN ENGLAND! THE WARS WITH IRELAND WAS BECAUSE A CATHOLIC KING SUCCEEDED THE THRONE! THAT WOULD BE NOTHING IN COMPARSION! IF THE KING IN DARK AGES ENGLAND WAS DARK AS WELL!
Oh and 1 of the ladies in waiting is Asian.
Britain will not become dependent on paper, tea and opium and have a market for them to come over for another 500 years!
Calm down Eamonn you're just 15 minutes. As long as there is nothing Historically Inaccurate or Stupid you'll be...Oh who Am i Kidding?
So Jamal chants up Victoria using Ebonics, and considering he has masqueraded as a hated Norman, told guards he wanted to beat up guards and now chatting up a be throed woman, I think Jamal may be clapped in Irons!
So it was revealed she is not a princess as the dvd cover called her, but a chambermaid.
Makes more sense to be a servant, makes no sense why they are BLACK AND ASIAN PEOPLE SPEAKING ENGLISH, WITH ENGLISH ACCENTS!
Trying to score her number, she is impressed that Jamal can read and write. Then Percival appears, feeling up Victoria, Jamal calls him out and Percival calls him a Moor
HISTORY LESSON!
A "MOOR" was a African-Muslim during the Crusades.
A chamberlain tells Jamal that the king will see him. It's revealed that Jamal's last name is ....Skywalker
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWaLxFIVX1s
Because he believes is in theme park he doesn't realise the danger he has gotten into, pretending to be a messenger was punishable by death.
So Jamal gives a false message about the duke coming to marry the Princess Regina on Tuesday. I'm sure it would not turn and bite Jamal on the ass(!)
So Jamal is given a tour of the castle, but when he needs the toilet and has to use a privy, (a hole over a ditch!) he realises that this may just be the Middle Ages.
So...the lack of roads, the Sudden drop in temperature,the florae and faunae not found in California, the English accents, and fact that no-one understood every second word you said. And the only thing that has cracked your suspicion is having to pee and poo in a hole?
He realises that he has gone back in time, When a Rebel is beheaded in front of him.
Revived by Victoria in her quarters, its revealed that Jamal is in England circa 1328, the Medallion that bought Jamal to this time is unexpectedly hung around his neck is the symbol of the resistance movement that Victoria is a member of. But Jamal is not only greedy, he is a coward also.
So the King's Chamberlain returns to say that a horse is prepared for him. After a unfunny scene of trying to ride a horse, and a less funny scene with leeches, Jamal is invited to a banquet, After spouting some bull about fast food, Jamal is disturbed by Middle ages ettique, basically He has to wait another century for the fork to be invented, Still believing Jamal to be a Norman, King Leo requests that Jamal should dance
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-(CALMS DOWN!) some things cannot be put into words. They can only be seen!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LolQfg1Cw18
THAT'S RIGHT!
Martin Lawrence has turned 12th century England into the BIRTHPLACE!...OF R'NB!
Let it be known that not all us whiteys from Britain are squares!
While two rebels goes to kill Leo, as Darnce(BAD ENGLISH ACCENTS EXPLAINS THE SPELLING) the Princess Regina kisses jamal, Pissing off the knights in an attempt to save his own miserable life, Jamal inadvertently takes out the two rebel assassins.
As payment, King Leo makes Jamal a Lord, But Jamal doesn't want land, he has other ideas to make the kingdom Money, namely inventing the Frappecino!
Yes, coffee has existed since the Qur'an was written even more than that, but i doubt in the middle of the Crusades, halfway killing the Muslims that the templers were stopping at Starbucks!
and he wants to invent the fast food restaurants.
Remember that this was film to teach an arsehole an important life lesson? YEAH instead we are going to dick around with some filler
(the 3 drones teleport into the office.)
DELETE ALL ORGANICS!
Speaking of filler, I'm afraid we'll have to finish this review once we deal with these...things see you next week..unless we get deleted!
Monday, October 1, 2012
Hallowe'en Special:Eamonn Reviews Nazis at the Centre of the Earth.
(DUE TO THE GRAPHIC MATERIAL BEING REVIEWED THIS MONTH, READER DISCRESTION IS ADVISED!)
(EAMONN'S REVIEW IN BLACK)
(JOE-JACK'S LINES IN BLUE)
(Eamonn was up in Butt-craic, Da Wesht Ov Ireland, visting joe-jack, when he got up to leave. Joe-jack cocked his rifle at Eamonn's head. Eamonn wasn't suprised at it's pratically "Hello" in Da Bogs.
-An' where d'yer think ye are goin'?
Home!
...And there is....Sumpthing Else!
-Worse than Zombies?
-Ya! It a silverly yoke, like a light-shaped like a person. I saw it feed on Da Zombie ov me Aunty Margo, It covered it in its colours and left nothin'
-Like she was "deleted"?
-You mean like Ahties Lad? You mean?
-I Really Don't know! But if this thing is hunting zombies without trouble, then this rescue mission has become a retrival Mission!
And now our feature presentation.
This Months theme-Who Do you think you are Kidding, Mr Hitler? (Dad's Army theme)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mnRIejYv9mo
Nazi's at the Centre of the Earth!
Roll the footage!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvYANkbuvdY
No, this is real! this existed someone actually made this! And when you find that the Asylum made this you will Understand why this is being reviewed here!
For those who watch Bad movie Beatdown every friday morning on TGWTG, you will be familer with the Asylum, a film studio who creates straight to dvd rip-offs major blockbusters with the purpose of fleecing money from unsuspecting dvd shops. Asylum are responsible for films like Transmorphers, The Terminators, AvH:Alien vs Hunter, Battle of Los Angeles, and Almighty Thor.
With that said said, Lets dig into Syfy's (B-COZ PUR LITARA-C IZ.... KEWL!) Nazis at the Centre of the Earth and see why would anyone make this film!
The Film starts, funnily enough in Germany 1944 as Nazis loads Strange Machines onto a plane, Until they are interruptted by Conspicious CGI Tanks.
Cut to Antarticia present day, 2 explorers are doing ecological research for a nearby prametcutcal envoy when they find a nazi bunker by accident they turn to find soldiers who kidnap them
Back at the base,Lucas a young scientist exposes that his mentor, Dr Rystad (Jake Busey) for attemping to him and his crew a flesh eating virus, When news that Mark and Paige did not return All the remaining explorers go find their friends, even Dr Rystade but he argues/exposistes that he is only one that has being on King George Island before so he know where to look.
We cut to Mark being experimented on, his skin ripped off his face!
Back to the CGI snowplow, the rest of the explorers descent down a tunnel 50 feet below sea level. The Token Asian says he can hear machinery down a tunnel.
At the same time Paige(Dominique Swain) escapes her cell finding mark and a nazi zombie with his face. they have being keeping themselves alive with spare body-parts! She stumbles into a cold room where she is recaptured.
Lucas is revealed to be paige fiance, who descend down the shaft, Dr Rystade, who is certainly not a villian,cuts the rope with a concealed knife.Rystade's girlfriend Sylvia to go after him who stumbles onto an Underground City.
Wow, Ember must be under new management!
Paige saves herself from being a doctor and being of Germain descent.
Back to the explorers, some are feeling fatigued and Rystade is giving out bottles of water, he was ousted as a poisioner in the first 15 minutes, why would you apart from directions why would you trust him?
So the Big Reveal is that Rystade is a Villian who has being leading explorers to the hidden city like a Judas' Goat for Dr Mengiller aka the Angel of Death. Not only are they medically advanced to stave of death, but technologically advanced making Lazer guns. that vapourises the Jewish Dr Blassman.
So BLAH BLAH BLAH, Global Domination,BLAH BLAH BLAH,Rise of the Fourth Riech, BLAH BLAH BLAH, Paige is Heel turned.
Betrayed, Lucas and his team has no choice to help Mengiller to heal the soldiers Later the women are separated and Angela is raped, the deal made to spare their lives only made to the white members of Lucas' team, While the others are expected to be raped for them its going to be much worse!
May is killed and the Orderly's new skin graft is that of Angela's Tattoo confirming that she was also killed.
May's Brain is exposed as Rystade harvests the brain into the machine in the opening scene. Sylvia reveals she is pregnent with Rystade's baby who punches her and knocks her out!
When Sylvia wakes up, Rystade and Mengiller discuss extracting the fetus for it's stem cells.
-okay its one thing to maim adults but to kill unborn children-even if it is a film-that just goes against decency!-Anyway the stem cells have being used for their master plan-A Cyborg Hitler and a Fleet of UFOS!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NgR3N8y4boQ
Token Asian is decapitated by cyborg Hitler Whose head seemingly become a wax-head of a black man!
Back in the bunker, Mellinger is killed by Paige making a face Turn, Lucas kills the zombie with Marks face by ripping it off! Finding a flayed Mark, they put him out of his misery,
Stealing the vapourisers that killed Blassman, Lucas,Paige and a Red Shirt make an escape, Rystad Kidnaps Sylvia, boarding the craft. The UFO attacks a British Plane with a Electro-magnetic Pulse. The Scientists find out that The UFO is armed with Missiles filled with Rystad's Virus. The red shirt is killed by Cyborg Hitler. Sylvia Sacrifices herself to destroy the cockpit of the the saucer, Lucas and Paige Survive, but so does Cyborg Hitler, But Lucas infects Hitler with a vial of the Rystad Virus which in his death throes, makes Hitler throw himself into the ocean.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF THIS FILM!
One one hand, Gruesome horror superb make-up and for a change, the Asylum, famous for its rip-offs,worked on a original script,
However,those easily offended should give this a wide berth, If you can get over the shock value, You'll find the Asylum's other calling cards, Close-ups to thinly conceal actors reading idiot-cards, Rubbish CGI and twists as subtle as a punch in the face (Oh the doctor who was giving his crew a virus with a German surname is...EVIL!?!? GIVE ME A BREAK!)
In Summary this film could have being successful, if done by anyone else!
CREDITS
Nazis at the centre of the earth review was written, compiled and edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With clips from:
Nazi's at the centre of the Earth
Atop the fourth Wall
And Music:
Who Do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler? (Dad's Army theme)
I'm now a member of the TGWTG FORUM! My username is EnlightenedIrishman, drop me a line! I usually hang in the wrestling thread in the sport forums.
(EAMONN'S REVIEW IN BLACK)
(JOE-JACK'S LINES IN BLUE)
(Eamonn was up in Butt-craic, Da Wesht Ov Ireland, visting joe-jack, when he got up to leave. Joe-jack cocked his rifle at Eamonn's head. Eamonn wasn't suprised at it's pratically "Hello" in Da Bogs.
-An' where d'yer think ye are goin'?
Home!
-Think again ya Shitehawk! It's October so Da Zombie Tourists are out again, so dey are!
(see Hallowe'en 2009 for more details!)...And there is....Sumpthing Else!
-Worse than Zombies?
-Ya! It a silverly yoke, like a light-shaped like a person. I saw it feed on Da Zombie ov me Aunty Margo, It covered it in its colours and left nothin'
-Like she was "deleted"?
-You mean like Ahties Lad? You mean?
-I Really Don't know! But if this thing is hunting zombies without trouble, then this rescue mission has become a retrival Mission!
And now our feature presentation.
This Months theme-Who Do you think you are Kidding, Mr Hitler? (Dad's Army theme)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mnRIejYv9mo
Nazi's at the Centre of the Earth!
Roll the footage!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvYANkbuvdY
No, this is real! this existed someone actually made this! And when you find that the Asylum made this you will Understand why this is being reviewed here!
For those who watch Bad movie Beatdown every friday morning on TGWTG, you will be familer with the Asylum, a film studio who creates straight to dvd rip-offs major blockbusters with the purpose of fleecing money from unsuspecting dvd shops. Asylum are responsible for films like Transmorphers, The Terminators, AvH:Alien vs Hunter, Battle of Los Angeles, and Almighty Thor.
With that said said, Lets dig into Syfy's (B-COZ PUR LITARA-C IZ.... KEWL!) Nazis at the Centre of the Earth and see why would anyone make this film!
The Film starts, funnily enough in Germany 1944 as Nazis loads Strange Machines onto a plane, Until they are interruptted by Conspicious CGI Tanks.
Cut to Antarticia present day, 2 explorers are doing ecological research for a nearby prametcutcal envoy when they find a nazi bunker by accident they turn to find soldiers who kidnap them
Back at the base,Lucas a young scientist exposes that his mentor, Dr Rystad (Jake Busey) for attemping to him and his crew a flesh eating virus, When news that Mark and Paige did not return All the remaining explorers go find their friends, even Dr Rystade but he argues/exposistes that he is only one that has being on King George Island before so he know where to look.
We cut to Mark being experimented on, his skin ripped off his face!
Back to the CGI snowplow, the rest of the explorers descent down a tunnel 50 feet below sea level. The Token Asian says he can hear machinery down a tunnel.
At the same time Paige(Dominique Swain) escapes her cell finding mark and a nazi zombie with his face. they have being keeping themselves alive with spare body-parts! She stumbles into a cold room where she is recaptured.
Lucas is revealed to be paige fiance, who descend down the shaft, Dr Rystade, who is certainly not a villian,cuts the rope with a concealed knife.Rystade's girlfriend Sylvia to go after him who stumbles onto an Underground City.
Wow, Ember must be under new management!
Paige saves herself from being a doctor and being of Germain descent.
Back to the explorers, some are feeling fatigued and Rystade is giving out bottles of water, he was ousted as a poisioner in the first 15 minutes, why would you apart from directions why would you trust him?
So the Big Reveal is that Rystade is a Villian who has being leading explorers to the hidden city like a Judas' Goat for Dr Mengiller aka the Angel of Death. Not only are they medically advanced to stave of death, but technologically advanced making Lazer guns. that vapourises the Jewish Dr Blassman.
So BLAH BLAH BLAH, Global Domination,BLAH BLAH BLAH,Rise of the Fourth Riech, BLAH BLAH BLAH, Paige is Heel turned.
Betrayed, Lucas and his team has no choice to help Mengiller to heal the soldiers Later the women are separated and Angela is raped, the deal made to spare their lives only made to the white members of Lucas' team, While the others are expected to be raped for them its going to be much worse!
May is killed and the Orderly's new skin graft is that of Angela's Tattoo confirming that she was also killed.
May's Brain is exposed as Rystade harvests the brain into the machine in the opening scene. Sylvia reveals she is pregnent with Rystade's baby who punches her and knocks her out!
When Sylvia wakes up, Rystade and Mengiller discuss extracting the fetus for it's stem cells.
-okay its one thing to maim adults but to kill unborn children-even if it is a film-that just goes against decency!-Anyway the stem cells have being used for their master plan-A Cyborg Hitler and a Fleet of UFOS!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NgR3N8y4boQ
Token Asian is decapitated by cyborg Hitler Whose head seemingly become a wax-head of a black man!
Back in the bunker, Mellinger is killed by Paige making a face Turn, Lucas kills the zombie with Marks face by ripping it off! Finding a flayed Mark, they put him out of his misery,
Stealing the vapourisers that killed Blassman, Lucas,Paige and a Red Shirt make an escape, Rystad Kidnaps Sylvia, boarding the craft. The UFO attacks a British Plane with a Electro-magnetic Pulse. The Scientists find out that The UFO is armed with Missiles filled with Rystad's Virus. The red shirt is killed by Cyborg Hitler. Sylvia Sacrifices herself to destroy the cockpit of the the saucer, Lucas and Paige Survive, but so does Cyborg Hitler, But Lucas infects Hitler with a vial of the Rystad Virus which in his death throes, makes Hitler throw himself into the ocean.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF THIS FILM!
One one hand, Gruesome horror superb make-up and for a change, the Asylum, famous for its rip-offs,worked on a original script,
However,those easily offended should give this a wide berth, If you can get over the shock value, You'll find the Asylum's other calling cards, Close-ups to thinly conceal actors reading idiot-cards, Rubbish CGI and twists as subtle as a punch in the face (Oh the doctor who was giving his crew a virus with a German surname is...EVIL!?!? GIVE ME A BREAK!)
In Summary this film could have being successful, if done by anyone else!
CREDITS
Nazis at the centre of the earth review was written, compiled and edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With clips from:
Nazi's at the centre of the Earth
Atop the fourth Wall
And Music:
Who Do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler? (Dad's Army theme)
I'm now a member of the TGWTG FORUM! My username is EnlightenedIrishman, drop me a line! I usually hang in the wrestling thread in the sport forums.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Eamonn reviews Thunderpants
(THE STORY SO FAR...
After defeating the Devil by choosing the ufo ending, Eamonn stepped off the Express-train to hell with one casualty, Eighties lad had being missing since March until Eamonn found his head in his fridge last month!
And it begged for help!
After being subdegated by computer programme that deletes organic matter, Eamonn went to use his patented Hadou-kara Punch! However the programme retreated.
Shaken,Eamonn told Joe-Jack what he saw, who shot him with tranks!
(We open to Eamonn and Joe-jack watching a video of Joe-Jack's antics with the unconscious reviewer, Joe-jack is laughing his head off.
So Eamonn iz it true dat yer givin' me a raise
(Joe-Jack manipulates Eamonn's Head in a nodding motion, while badly throwing his voice)
Yes Joe-Jack ye can 'ave a raise! oi'm a townie so Oi'm loaded
And yer givin' me a Christmas special dis yar?
(Joe-Jack makes his head nod again) Oh Ya! Go ahead, so you can! I'm A Hate-me-theory-test so i don't even believe in the Baby Jaysus!
NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION
It will come to no surprise that last years finale to the Harry potter franchise lived to the hype. For the entirety of the 2000s, the only competition was when Potter was in production and even then the fad of book-based children films or "potter-killers" tried to wrest viewers from Radcliffe and co. Some where successful (Narnia, Hunger games, Twi-shite) Some fell putting up a fight (Percy jackson, Prince of thieves) and some were just shite(Wimpy Kid, City of Ember, Horrid Henry)
After deathly hallows all were wondering what the first thing post-potter the young mains will do
Emma watson was in the star-studded My Weekend with Marylyn
Daniel Radcliffe was in the highly acclaimed Woman in black
And Rupert Grint...was in Ed Sheeran's Lego House
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c4BLVznuWnU
....Yeah!
Today's film was a early film of Grint and if appearances in just Music videos is a measure of his Star power, then film like this, Eastenders and panto is not far behind.
So Air freshener at the ready, this is Thuderpants.
So the film starts with a close-up shot of something green.
Get use to the colour as every costume, setting and props up to the finale in Florida has one colour scheme: green and/or black.
So the film start with Patrick Smash's birth who farts out of his mothers coot is propelled (or rather a baby doll is propelled) half-way across the ward.
Well you now know what qualifies as humour in this film. Now the important question-how more stupid can it get?
As Patrick (Bruce Cook) narrates his life, we are shown Patrick cannot control his farting. After nearly killing his dad with sonic-boom sized squeakers, Mr Smash leaves the house, Leading Mrs Smash to Drink just to get through the day. In School he Only made one friend a boy with blocked sinuses called Alan. A. Allen (Rupert Grint, whose charecter wins Most Stupid name ever!)
Cut to both boys aged 10 being bullied by Crabbe(or is it Goyle?) from Harry Potter. After being beaten up by Damian, Alan plans on inventing a eco-friendly battery and-I GET IT!
ALAN A. ALLEN! AAA! TRIPLE A BATTERY! OHOHOHO THATS FUNNY for about 2 seconds.
We met our first villain, Sir John Osgood (Peter Callow),the world's SECOND-best tenor, as exposited by the principal. the title seems to cut him up inside. In assembly, after his performance, the principal asks for complete and total silenc....OH COME ON!
IT'S A FILM ABOUT A BOY WHO CANT STOP FARTING!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LTNP792ykYM
So after the Foregone Conclusion of Patrick making an ass(boom,boom!) of himself, the boy returns home to watch the space program from Florida. Patrick actually dreams of being an astronaut but watching an interview with Nasa's Controller who says that all his astronauts are "gifted" people, makes Patrick give up on his dream.
So Patrick asks Alan to make him an invention to control his farts, with gusto he invents the eponymous ThunderPants as the CIA Looks on in a black Lincoln.
So Thunderpants collects all of Patricks "Emissions" that are contained in a lunchbox-shaped containment unit.
So after a slow motion scene of patrick eating beans with Also Sprach Zathusia in the background.(Ric Flair is not Amused) Patrick is having the best day of his life.
...Until Damien Steals the Lunchbox and is covered in farts so the entire school beats up Patrick and ties him to the monkey bars.
The next day Patrick tells Alan his dream to go into space, but when Alan tells him that it's a ridiculous dream. Patrick goes home upset.
The next day the doctor tell us that Patrick was born with 2 stomachs, the cause of his affliction.
I call BS.
Tell me not, movie, that they are only examining a boys wind-problem after 10 years and after he came into this world farting out of mothers nethers? After calling it a "gift", Patrick is convinced of using the fact that he is a fat, semi-educated, easily lead man-cow can become an astronaut, somehow.
We cut to a College where we see Osgood and reason he is the second best tenor is that he can't reach high notes. Until Chased by Damian, Patrick farts at the note he was trying to hit. So he devises to kidnap the boy to become number 1.
THAT...HAS...GOT TO BE....THE DUMBEST!....VILLAIN PLAN I HAVE EVER Heard in 3 YEARS OF DOING THIS BLOG! If you were making a list of Dumb Plans from this blog...throw it away! Because this dumber than Amy Adams coming to Ireland for a fake Custom, this is dumber than the Singing Idiots in City of Ember. This is just....DUMB!
So Alan and patrick win a flying Machine contest with patrick as the "engine",Filling Patrick with the confidence to get revenge on Damian, by following him into a forest and farting on him, while causing an ecological disaster in the process.
However the CIA is in the process on taking Alan away. So patrick takes Osgood's offer to go on his world tour to fart the high note he can't reach....i felt stupid writing that last line, i don't know if the writer felt stupid at all!
So Osgood becomes the number 1, while at the same time not paying patrick or letting him eat.
Slavery.
Y'KNOW, FOR KIDS!
After Osgood leaves, Patrick is confronted by former 1 Placido C. Placido.
Really, movie, Really?
It's bad enough when I think the movie is Made on Drugs, when your villain is named...PCP!
So Patrick blurts out he farts the high note so Placido puts a laxative out of his pocket (as you do!) and pours it on a trifle and forces Patrick to eat it. That night in Rome, Patrick Cannot Control the sustained note so it becomes an earthshattering trump. As Placido uncovers the farce, a loose light-fixture falls and kills him stone dead. Patrick is arrested and tried as a Murderer.
It's the day of the trial and Prosecutor Silk is played by....Stephen Fry?
(throws hands up)
Okay..I give up...How the Fuck did you convince Stephen fry to be in this movie?
Every person who had issues with Patrick takes turns in calling him a murderer, Patrick who doesn't have a lawyer or no one. Without defending himself. Patrick Smash, a retarded, easily-led Man-cow from an alcoholic mother and a dead-beat father is found guilty of murder, in at best, An accidental death and sentenced to death by firing squad.
WHY IS NO-ONE PROTESTING THIS?
A child is going to be shot dead by a firing squad for farting because the bolt of the light fixture was damaged. Surely because this was given world attention in the film, that someone would protest that the little duh-brain was going to get killed. Even though she was driven to drink by him, Why wouldn't his mother protest? Why isn't Any-one protesting this?
(here I would put in a youtube clip of the "It'll Just Raise Too Many questions" line from Batman Forever but there isn't one)
...Until the CIA rescues Patrick and brings him to Florida reuniting him with Alan. Appartenly the space station life support has being destroyed and Nasa doesn't have a machine quick enough nor the time to build a quick machine that wouldn't destroy the ecosystem, SO Patrick, Alan, and a mission control made up of children(We Get It, movie, Adults Are Useless!)
So let me put you out of your misery!
Patrick's farts makes the stock footage of a rocket take off, he saves the astronauts, he returns a hero and so the film ends ala the Witch Mountain Remake. I.e, All the people who made fun of the hero is kissing his ass.
I hope they brushed their teeth afterwards!
THIS FILM SUCKS!
First this film (rated pg)was not sold separately, it was sold as a three-pack with two 15 Cert films I sure kids and teenagers would be offended by anyone who gave this to them to be watched.
Now to the film, this is standard Bank holiday/Rainy day crap children film fare, with all the cliches and tropes that come with it.
Adults are indeed useless, all of them either uncaring or obsessed with the silliest of things. (Silk's counterclaim when addressing a metallurgist was anyone who hates opera deserves to die!), Patrick is an Idiot Hero with an limited amount of lines given (you will be taking shots every time Cook says "it was the best/worst day of my life. Ever.") And Rupert Grint's Loquacious Nerd is every Loquacious Nerd Stereotype ever seen. The Costumes are just black and Green with more colour given in the ending in Florida, The premise is stupid even for a kids film, and the fact that Callow and Fry are in this venture is just sad.
I would say that this film is shit but I've had enough Scat humour for one month!
(Meanwhile, In a undisclosed location, a silvery form made of data walks into a large circular room with a single statis pod erected she wipes the condolsesation to reveal 80'S LAD!
REBOOT IMMINENT...
DELETION OF PLANET EARTH FILE IS IN PROCESS...
CREDITS
Thunderpants was reviewed, Edited and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With clips from
Nostalgia critic
And music
Lego house By Ed Sheeran
All Clips belong to there respected owners
Thunderpants is property of sky/Film four studios and distributed by Pathe
All rights reserved.
Follow me at youtube at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
After defeating the Devil by choosing the ufo ending, Eamonn stepped off the Express-train to hell with one casualty, Eighties lad had being missing since March until Eamonn found his head in his fridge last month!
And it begged for help!
After being subdegated by computer programme that deletes organic matter, Eamonn went to use his patented Hadou-kara Punch! However the programme retreated.
Shaken,Eamonn told Joe-Jack what he saw, who shot him with tranks!
(We open to Eamonn and Joe-jack watching a video of Joe-Jack's antics with the unconscious reviewer, Joe-jack is laughing his head off.
So Eamonn iz it true dat yer givin' me a raise
(Joe-Jack manipulates Eamonn's Head in a nodding motion, while badly throwing his voice)
Yes Joe-Jack ye can 'ave a raise! oi'm a townie so Oi'm loaded
And yer givin' me a Christmas special dis yar?
(Joe-Jack makes his head nod again) Oh Ya! Go ahead, so you can! I'm A Hate-me-theory-test so i don't even believe in the Baby Jaysus!
NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION
It will come to no surprise that last years finale to the Harry potter franchise lived to the hype. For the entirety of the 2000s, the only competition was when Potter was in production and even then the fad of book-based children films or "potter-killers" tried to wrest viewers from Radcliffe and co. Some where successful (Narnia, Hunger games, Twi-shite) Some fell putting up a fight (Percy jackson, Prince of thieves) and some were just shite(Wimpy Kid, City of Ember, Horrid Henry)
After deathly hallows all were wondering what the first thing post-potter the young mains will do
Emma watson was in the star-studded My Weekend with Marylyn
Daniel Radcliffe was in the highly acclaimed Woman in black
And Rupert Grint...was in Ed Sheeran's Lego House
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c4BLVznuWnU
....Yeah!
Today's film was a early film of Grint and if appearances in just Music videos is a measure of his Star power, then film like this, Eastenders and panto is not far behind.
So Air freshener at the ready, this is Thuderpants.
So the film starts with a close-up shot of something green.
Get use to the colour as every costume, setting and props up to the finale in Florida has one colour scheme: green and/or black.
So the film start with Patrick Smash's birth who farts out of his mothers coot is propelled (or rather a baby doll is propelled) half-way across the ward.
Well you now know what qualifies as humour in this film. Now the important question-how more stupid can it get?
As Patrick (Bruce Cook) narrates his life, we are shown Patrick cannot control his farting. After nearly killing his dad with sonic-boom sized squeakers, Mr Smash leaves the house, Leading Mrs Smash to Drink just to get through the day. In School he Only made one friend a boy with blocked sinuses called Alan. A. Allen (Rupert Grint, whose charecter wins Most Stupid name ever!)
Cut to both boys aged 10 being bullied by Crabbe(or is it Goyle?) from Harry Potter. After being beaten up by Damian, Alan plans on inventing a eco-friendly battery and-I GET IT!
ALAN A. ALLEN! AAA! TRIPLE A BATTERY! OHOHOHO THATS FUNNY for about 2 seconds.
We met our first villain, Sir John Osgood (Peter Callow),the world's SECOND-best tenor, as exposited by the principal. the title seems to cut him up inside. In assembly, after his performance, the principal asks for complete and total silenc....OH COME ON!
IT'S A FILM ABOUT A BOY WHO CANT STOP FARTING!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LTNP792ykYM
So after the Foregone Conclusion of Patrick making an ass(boom,boom!) of himself, the boy returns home to watch the space program from Florida. Patrick actually dreams of being an astronaut but watching an interview with Nasa's Controller who says that all his astronauts are "gifted" people, makes Patrick give up on his dream.
So Patrick asks Alan to make him an invention to control his farts, with gusto he invents the eponymous ThunderPants as the CIA Looks on in a black Lincoln.
So Thunderpants collects all of Patricks "Emissions" that are contained in a lunchbox-shaped containment unit.
So after a slow motion scene of patrick eating beans with Also Sprach Zathusia in the background.(Ric Flair is not Amused) Patrick is having the best day of his life.
...Until Damien Steals the Lunchbox and is covered in farts so the entire school beats up Patrick and ties him to the monkey bars.
The next day Patrick tells Alan his dream to go into space, but when Alan tells him that it's a ridiculous dream. Patrick goes home upset.
The next day the doctor tell us that Patrick was born with 2 stomachs, the cause of his affliction.
I call BS.
Tell me not, movie, that they are only examining a boys wind-problem after 10 years and after he came into this world farting out of mothers nethers? After calling it a "gift", Patrick is convinced of using the fact that he is a fat, semi-educated, easily lead man-cow can become an astronaut, somehow.
We cut to a College where we see Osgood and reason he is the second best tenor is that he can't reach high notes. Until Chased by Damian, Patrick farts at the note he was trying to hit. So he devises to kidnap the boy to become number 1.
THAT...HAS...GOT TO BE....THE DUMBEST!....VILLAIN PLAN I HAVE EVER Heard in 3 YEARS OF DOING THIS BLOG! If you were making a list of Dumb Plans from this blog...throw it away! Because this dumber than Amy Adams coming to Ireland for a fake Custom, this is dumber than the Singing Idiots in City of Ember. This is just....DUMB!
So Alan and patrick win a flying Machine contest with patrick as the "engine",Filling Patrick with the confidence to get revenge on Damian, by following him into a forest and farting on him, while causing an ecological disaster in the process.
However the CIA is in the process on taking Alan away. So patrick takes Osgood's offer to go on his world tour to fart the high note he can't reach....i felt stupid writing that last line, i don't know if the writer felt stupid at all!
So Osgood becomes the number 1, while at the same time not paying patrick or letting him eat.
Slavery.
Y'KNOW, FOR KIDS!
After Osgood leaves, Patrick is confronted by former 1 Placido C. Placido.
Really, movie, Really?
It's bad enough when I think the movie is Made on Drugs, when your villain is named...PCP!
So Patrick blurts out he farts the high note so Placido puts a laxative out of his pocket (as you do!) and pours it on a trifle and forces Patrick to eat it. That night in Rome, Patrick Cannot Control the sustained note so it becomes an earthshattering trump. As Placido uncovers the farce, a loose light-fixture falls and kills him stone dead. Patrick is arrested and tried as a Murderer.
It's the day of the trial and Prosecutor Silk is played by....Stephen Fry?
(throws hands up)
Okay..I give up...How the Fuck did you convince Stephen fry to be in this movie?
Every person who had issues with Patrick takes turns in calling him a murderer, Patrick who doesn't have a lawyer or no one. Without defending himself. Patrick Smash, a retarded, easily-led Man-cow from an alcoholic mother and a dead-beat father is found guilty of murder, in at best, An accidental death and sentenced to death by firing squad.
WHY IS NO-ONE PROTESTING THIS?
A child is going to be shot dead by a firing squad for farting because the bolt of the light fixture was damaged. Surely because this was given world attention in the film, that someone would protest that the little duh-brain was going to get killed. Even though she was driven to drink by him, Why wouldn't his mother protest? Why isn't Any-one protesting this?
(here I would put in a youtube clip of the "It'll Just Raise Too Many questions" line from Batman Forever but there isn't one)
...Until the CIA rescues Patrick and brings him to Florida reuniting him with Alan. Appartenly the space station life support has being destroyed and Nasa doesn't have a machine quick enough nor the time to build a quick machine that wouldn't destroy the ecosystem, SO Patrick, Alan, and a mission control made up of children(We Get It, movie, Adults Are Useless!)
So let me put you out of your misery!
Patrick's farts makes the stock footage of a rocket take off, he saves the astronauts, he returns a hero and so the film ends ala the Witch Mountain Remake. I.e, All the people who made fun of the hero is kissing his ass.
I hope they brushed their teeth afterwards!
THIS FILM SUCKS!
First this film (rated pg)was not sold separately, it was sold as a three-pack with two 15 Cert films I sure kids and teenagers would be offended by anyone who gave this to them to be watched.
Now to the film, this is standard Bank holiday/Rainy day crap children film fare, with all the cliches and tropes that come with it.
Adults are indeed useless, all of them either uncaring or obsessed with the silliest of things. (Silk's counterclaim when addressing a metallurgist was anyone who hates opera deserves to die!), Patrick is an Idiot Hero with an limited amount of lines given (you will be taking shots every time Cook says "it was the best/worst day of my life. Ever.") And Rupert Grint's Loquacious Nerd is every Loquacious Nerd Stereotype ever seen. The Costumes are just black and Green with more colour given in the ending in Florida, The premise is stupid even for a kids film, and the fact that Callow and Fry are in this venture is just sad.
I would say that this film is shit but I've had enough Scat humour for one month!
(Meanwhile, In a undisclosed location, a silvery form made of data walks into a large circular room with a single statis pod erected she wipes the condolsesation to reveal 80'S LAD!
REBOOT IMMINENT...
DELETION OF PLANET EARTH FILE IS IN PROCESS...
CREDITS
Thunderpants was reviewed, Edited and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With clips from
Nostalgia critic
And music
Lego house By Ed Sheeran
All Clips belong to there respected owners
Thunderpants is property of sky/Film four studios and distributed by Pathe
All rights reserved.
Follow me at youtube at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Eamonn reviews the REAL Sequel to Ghostbusters!
So i was talking to my friend the other day and he said,
"Eamonn, did you hear there will be a Ghostbusters 3?
..."Yes i did hear about that..."
"How will they manage that? Make a film about charectors we haven't heard from in 30 years?
...Oh you mean, like this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEpCUB8IjzM
Yes that's real.
In 1997 Sony television created a 40 episode season of a new ghostbusters team. Named EXTREME! Ghostbusters to remind us what decade it's from. Extreme is noted for it's darker take on the franchise, as well as being a fond favourite of older fans of GB.
So lets dig for this rare tv gem this is the first 2 episodes of Extreme Ghostbusters.
So this first episode, Darkness at Noon, Part 1, starts with a cutaway scene of subway workers breaking through a wall, when a green gas manifests itself into a demonic queen. We then get another hit of that AWESOME-SAUCE Intro Song. It was Sang by Voice-actor Jim Cummings, the voice of Robotnik. This is not the first time he sang in a cartoon, he was actually Jeremy Irons Singing voice in Loin King and Christopher Lloyd's Singing voice in Anastasia
So lets start.
We Start we it really all began for the 'Busters, the New york Metropolitian College. Egon Spengler(Maurice Lamarche) Has returned to teaching and his surprised that his class of 97 has doubled.
Doubled to 4!
They are slacker Eduardo(Rino Romaro), Wheelchair bound athlete Gareth(James Marsden) African-American preppie Roland (Alfonso Ribeiro) and Goth Kylie(Tara Strong)
While Kylie and Roland have enrolled into Egon's class of Paranormal Studies of their interests of Ghosts and Mechanics respectively, Gareth was spurred by hero worship, and Eduardo is in it for the"Easy As"
Egon is given a teaching assistant it turns out to be Janine who implies that Egon and her were an item.
Wait did they put Lewis on the bus?
She tell us that Egon still lives at the firehouse with Slimer.
Speaking of which, Slimer (Billy West) is minding his own business when the PKE Readings goes off the scale. The demonic Queen reveals her name has Archira, Daughter of the Gozerian, Destroyer of Civilisations. When Slimer bolts to the college, Roland offers to drive everyone to the firehouse. While there, they watch a news report of the opening scene in the subway. As Egon investigates, The New Mayor calls him a con-artist. At the Firehouse Kylie steals a Ghost-Beacon to use in a seance. That night, Kylie uses the device with intent of contacting her Grandma. Instead she gets possessed by Achira as her vessel to spread her disease. Her first victim? Egon. Crippled by debilitating boils, Egon has no choice but to train his students to be a New Generation of Ghostbusters, thus ending Episode 1
After a run-down at the beginning of episode 2, The rag-tag team go out on patrol trailing, unbeknownst to them, a possessed Kylie infecting the disease to passengers on a subway. The screams distresses a blind man Until Kylie/Archira lies to him not to worry while infecting him. Very effective Nightmare Fuel.
After the team splits from him, Eduardo is confronted by Kylie who chats him up, before she can kiss her (And Eddy points that she's "LEGAL!") The others return. After debating if the protons will kill Kylie, Eddy jumps the gun by shooting Archira out of Kylie. Trapping the spirit is unsuccessful as Eduardo forgot to bring a trap.
Returning to the firehouse, Egon is disappointed that his equipment is not strong enough to deal with this more advance creature. Thankfully, Roland is a mechanical prodigy that tunes up the ECTO 1 (even adding a wheelchair ramp) And resigning the rectangular traps in circular ones, designating Kylie as the Trapper.
Archira reveals her plan, her victim's boils are in fact EGGS that hatch miniture versions on Archira. the plan is implied that the boils devour the weakened victims.
So lets wrap this up
The XGB's Trap Archira(If you watched this on Disney, the entire strobe lightning sequence was edited by the Nazi Rat!) And as Roland thinks it's all over the subway crew releases an entire cloud of Ghoulies.
THIS SHOW WAS AWESOME!
With rumours of Ghostbusters 3 making the rounds, Jeff Kline and Harold Ramis are constantly asked if this series will the plot to the sequel. And why not? For a cartoon, the characters are relateable and likable. The ghosts are no longer played for comic effect, thanks in part to the darker art-style and depiction of actual Legends, they also dealt with real issues that were written extremely well, such as respecting elders(Riddle of the Sphinx),Infatuation(Sonic Youth),Fear(Fear itself) Abusive relationships(The Crawler) and Racism(The True Face of the Monster)
As for why it never got a second series, put it down to Executive Meddling. The higher up at Columbia thought the show was too politically correct. No, that will be November's Entry.
But the real meddling came out to why so many cartoons where in the 90's were cancelled: Money!
Despite winning an award from the Los Angeles Disability Committee for the Character of Gareth, and the fact he became the De facto new leader, the toyline did not think anyone would buy a wheelchair bound action figure.
Well, Despite all the Meddling XGB Was pretty the successor the series needed.
(Eamonn goes to his fridge to the floating head of 80's Lad. The food is floating around the head on a static background)
-Let me Guess, there is no 80's Lad, only Zuul?
-Save me, Enlightened Dude, some Totally Bad Shit is about to go dow...
(the static covers 80's lad's face as his screams become digitised. the face less head now discourteously Speaks in a digitised woman's voice
Saving 80'S LAD
80's lad is now...SAVED!
BEGINING UNIVERSAL HARD RESET!
DELETE ALL ORGANIC FILES!
I don't know who you are, bucko! But you are not Human! You are an Android, But me?
I AM A MAY'UN!
(Punch!)
(CLANG!)
(Gripping fist) OWWW! WHY DO WE INTERNET REVIEWERS ALWAYS PUNCH ROBOTS? IT NEVER WORKS!
Okay HAL, This will reconfigure you Fucking Settings!
(Eamonn Arm glows with Silverly Flames)
HADOU-KARA PUNC-
DETCTING CORRUPT FILES! CONTINUE?=Y/N
N=RETRIEVING DATA LOGGING OUT...
(the static defragments back into the fridge interior)
Joe-jack! I saw 80'S LAD! His head was floating in the fridge then it turned into a silver head with a sat nav lady voice that tried to delete me!
(Joe-Jack shoots Eamonn with a Tranquilizer Dart!)
CREDITS
Extreme Ghostbusters review as Written, compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music
Exteme Ghostbusters Theme
Extreme ghostbusters is property of Disney.
All Rights reserved.
Follow me on youtube at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment.
"Eamonn, did you hear there will be a Ghostbusters 3?
..."Yes i did hear about that..."
"How will they manage that? Make a film about charectors we haven't heard from in 30 years?
...Oh you mean, like this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEpCUB8IjzM
Yes that's real.
In 1997 Sony television created a 40 episode season of a new ghostbusters team. Named EXTREME! Ghostbusters to remind us what decade it's from. Extreme is noted for it's darker take on the franchise, as well as being a fond favourite of older fans of GB.
So lets dig for this rare tv gem this is the first 2 episodes of Extreme Ghostbusters.
So this first episode, Darkness at Noon, Part 1, starts with a cutaway scene of subway workers breaking through a wall, when a green gas manifests itself into a demonic queen. We then get another hit of that AWESOME-SAUCE Intro Song. It was Sang by Voice-actor Jim Cummings, the voice of Robotnik. This is not the first time he sang in a cartoon, he was actually Jeremy Irons Singing voice in Loin King and Christopher Lloyd's Singing voice in Anastasia
So lets start.
We Start we it really all began for the 'Busters, the New york Metropolitian College. Egon Spengler(Maurice Lamarche) Has returned to teaching and his surprised that his class of 97 has doubled.
Doubled to 4!
They are slacker Eduardo(Rino Romaro), Wheelchair bound athlete Gareth(James Marsden) African-American preppie Roland (Alfonso Ribeiro) and Goth Kylie(Tara Strong)
While Kylie and Roland have enrolled into Egon's class of Paranormal Studies of their interests of Ghosts and Mechanics respectively, Gareth was spurred by hero worship, and Eduardo is in it for the"Easy As"
Egon is given a teaching assistant it turns out to be Janine who implies that Egon and her were an item.
Wait did they put Lewis on the bus?
She tell us that Egon still lives at the firehouse with Slimer.
Speaking of which, Slimer (Billy West) is minding his own business when the PKE Readings goes off the scale. The demonic Queen reveals her name has Archira, Daughter of the Gozerian, Destroyer of Civilisations. When Slimer bolts to the college, Roland offers to drive everyone to the firehouse. While there, they watch a news report of the opening scene in the subway. As Egon investigates, The New Mayor calls him a con-artist. At the Firehouse Kylie steals a Ghost-Beacon to use in a seance. That night, Kylie uses the device with intent of contacting her Grandma. Instead she gets possessed by Achira as her vessel to spread her disease. Her first victim? Egon. Crippled by debilitating boils, Egon has no choice but to train his students to be a New Generation of Ghostbusters, thus ending Episode 1
After a run-down at the beginning of episode 2, The rag-tag team go out on patrol trailing, unbeknownst to them, a possessed Kylie infecting the disease to passengers on a subway. The screams distresses a blind man Until Kylie/Archira lies to him not to worry while infecting him. Very effective Nightmare Fuel.
After the team splits from him, Eduardo is confronted by Kylie who chats him up, before she can kiss her (And Eddy points that she's "LEGAL!") The others return. After debating if the protons will kill Kylie, Eddy jumps the gun by shooting Archira out of Kylie. Trapping the spirit is unsuccessful as Eduardo forgot to bring a trap.
Returning to the firehouse, Egon is disappointed that his equipment is not strong enough to deal with this more advance creature. Thankfully, Roland is a mechanical prodigy that tunes up the ECTO 1 (even adding a wheelchair ramp) And resigning the rectangular traps in circular ones, designating Kylie as the Trapper.
Archira reveals her plan, her victim's boils are in fact EGGS that hatch miniture versions on Archira. the plan is implied that the boils devour the weakened victims.
So lets wrap this up
The XGB's Trap Archira(If you watched this on Disney, the entire strobe lightning sequence was edited by the Nazi Rat!) And as Roland thinks it's all over the subway crew releases an entire cloud of Ghoulies.
THIS SHOW WAS AWESOME!
With rumours of Ghostbusters 3 making the rounds, Jeff Kline and Harold Ramis are constantly asked if this series will the plot to the sequel. And why not? For a cartoon, the characters are relateable and likable. The ghosts are no longer played for comic effect, thanks in part to the darker art-style and depiction of actual Legends, they also dealt with real issues that were written extremely well, such as respecting elders(Riddle of the Sphinx),Infatuation(Sonic Youth),Fear(Fear itself) Abusive relationships(The Crawler) and Racism(The True Face of the Monster)
As for why it never got a second series, put it down to Executive Meddling. The higher up at Columbia thought the show was too politically correct. No, that will be November's Entry.
But the real meddling came out to why so many cartoons where in the 90's were cancelled: Money!
Despite winning an award from the Los Angeles Disability Committee for the Character of Gareth, and the fact he became the De facto new leader, the toyline did not think anyone would buy a wheelchair bound action figure.
Well, Despite all the Meddling XGB Was pretty the successor the series needed.
(Eamonn goes to his fridge to the floating head of 80's Lad. The food is floating around the head on a static background)
-Let me Guess, there is no 80's Lad, only Zuul?
-Save me, Enlightened Dude, some Totally Bad Shit is about to go dow...
(the static covers 80's lad's face as his screams become digitised. the face less head now discourteously Speaks in a digitised woman's voice
Saving 80'S LAD
80's lad is now...SAVED!
BEGINING UNIVERSAL HARD RESET!
DELETE ALL ORGANIC FILES!
I don't know who you are, bucko! But you are not Human! You are an Android, But me?
I AM A MAY'UN!
(Punch!)
(CLANG!)
(Gripping fist) OWWW! WHY DO WE INTERNET REVIEWERS ALWAYS PUNCH ROBOTS? IT NEVER WORKS!
Okay HAL, This will reconfigure you Fucking Settings!
(Eamonn Arm glows with Silverly Flames)
HADOU-KARA PUNC-
DETCTING CORRUPT FILES! CONTINUE?=Y/N
N=RETRIEVING DATA LOGGING OUT...
(the static defragments back into the fridge interior)
Joe-jack! I saw 80'S LAD! His head was floating in the fridge then it turned into a silver head with a sat nav lady voice that tried to delete me!
(Joe-Jack shoots Eamonn with a Tranquilizer Dart!)
CREDITS
Extreme Ghostbusters review as Written, compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music
Exteme Ghostbusters Theme
Extreme ghostbusters is property of Disney.
All Rights reserved.
Follow me on youtube at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Tekken month: Eamonn reviews Tekken: blood vengeance
WE END ENLIGHTENED TOWERS' REVIEW HALF OF TEKKEN MONTH
With an example of a Tekken film done right. Is it any good? Yes. Is it the greatest Amime ever. no it's not. But find out for yourselves as we dig into Tekken blood Vengeance
I've tried my best to show you an image but its so famous by now that it has being dubbed the cover that "launched a 1000 shippers!"
For those who hav'nt, It's Xiaoyu holding Alisa in the style of La Pieta in a warzone. The dark clouds and offsetting sunrise makes it a striking shot, but the lighting and position of Alisa's Robotic Rump makes it look like Xiao has no skirt on.
As the story progresses you'll find out that Xiao will wear LESS Around Alessa!
The film starts as a women on a motorbike is playing chicken with a truck. As the truck explodes the woman takes of her headgear to reveal herself as Nina Williams. the truck driver reveals herself to be Anna Williams who wears that delicate and highly flammable silk quipo even when driving trucks full of explosives.Anna challanges her sister to a fight and the williams do what they are good at. Not being the Bread in a Kazuya sandwich, but kicking each other's asses.
I must share these first 5 minutes with you. The Animation is great, the dialogue syncs with the lip movement, and the moves are true to form.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CkLilTU1kQ0
So Nina avoids arrests as she gathers intel for Jin on the "M" Project. He tells Nina to go to Russia to get "it"(Alissa). Meanwhile, at G-Corp, Anna shows Kaz a picture of the only survivor of the M(utare) Project, Shin Kamiya. Anna plans to emotionally blackmail Ling Xiaoyu into becoming a spy for G-Corp.
We cut to Ling Xiaoyu, who is just a normal 19 year old girl...who is just so happens to be an Martial Artist who rides a panda like a horse and own her own theme park!
Y'know, Completely Normal!
After being expelled from school by Ganryu, Anna hires Xiao as her protege in the spy world.
As for the time-line, this happened after Tekken 4 as Ling didn't recognise Anna. Causing people to spectulate (and they are right) that Anna didn't actively compete in the 3rd tourament. we are told that later heihachi died in the Honmaru Fire. And alessa's campaign mode took place during tekken 5.
Ling is told to shadow Shin, the last and only survivor of the Mutare Project. Transfered to Kyoto-go High, we get our first cameo as Lee is now a teacher of robotics to a Class of one.
Given how much fans hated combot that comes to no surprise!
Xiao is surprised at how easy-going Kyoto-go is compared to Mishima-Tech Bumping into Alissa Bosconovich as Xiaoyu looks on in slow motion at her ass running away. On top of the school, Shin tries to kill himself but Xiao saves the Ungrateful Cunt. Searching his dorm that night, Ling spies shin having a shower,but turns to see Alissa also watching. Shin reveals that he has a tattooed arm that faintly looks like True Orge's Snake Arm and he is guarded by a Crow
Making contact with Anna, Anna tells Ling to find out what is making Shin invulnerable.
In Class Lee is giving a Chekov's Lecture about the Obligatory Supernatural Tekken boss.Shin tries to play Alissa and Xiao against each other. But Xiao presses shin about his disappearance. but says he cant remember, he gives a Humans are Bastards Speech before his tattoo glows and growls like True Orge
Alissa is confused about her feelings for shin, So she planned on winning the Prom queen title at the mokujin festival, It's there that Shin is Kidnapped. realizing this, Alissa reveals herself as a robot who hard resets into Assassination Mode.
So Alissa and Ling have a fight and despite her sweet nature, Alissa has chainsaw arms, bomb heads and robot wings. The fight is interrupted when Anna turns on Xiaoyu, but Panda helps them escape.
In the forest, The girls are hiding. Alissa's override is over, returning her to her previous state. Jogging past them is an unexpected savior, Lee.
Using his Mansion as a base, Xiaoyu and Alissa Discover that the Mutare Experiment was a transfusion of Orge's blood to build an army of super-soldiers. They find that Heihachi's name is being used as Shin's Legal guardian.
As Ling takes a shower she gets a text from Lei Wulong telling her they never found Heihachi's body in Honmaru. Stepping out of the shower, She see Alissa and Panda watching cartoons. Alissa tells Ling she plans to save Shin out of her feelings of love for him. Ling asks if those "feelings" are just programmed.
And that is the wrong things to say to that charecter!
BACKSTORY!
Despite Alissa being introduced as a playable charector in T6:BR, She has being a plot device since tekken 1. After suffering a car-crash that put her in a coma, Dr bosconovish devoted his life to Cyrogenics and robotics. When G-Corp attacked his lab, Alissa's human body was destroyed but her human memory was digitised and put in a robotic body.Dr .B has being missing since 5 and Alissa is searching for him.
As the G-Corps plan to seize Lee's Pimp Pad, Alessa and ling get close
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ItPcQWfPkds
Hear that? that is the sound of 1000s of nerd's wrists breaking typing Ships that will turn Alessa into a robotic Russian Lesbian Schoolgirl
Russian...Lesbian...Schoolgirl.....What does that remind me of?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mGBaXPlri8
Nina reconnects Alissa's MishimaNET link telling Ling that the lab is now Kyoto castle's Mokujin exhibition.
Finding Shin in the castle. they learn he lured the 3 generations of mishima to take them out, while expositing while they each want his M-cells. Jin, to cure his Devil Gene, Kaz to enhance his and Heihachi to turn back the clock. Shin goes to attack 'Hachi. as he does his strentgh leaves him. with a few blows Shin is murdered.
The Mishima's fight over Shin's body, destroying kyoto castle in the process. Dispatching Heihachi. Kaz becomes Devil Kaz. Alissa intervenes but Jin uses a voice command to deactivate her. Kaz steps on Alissa, breaking her in half. Jin turns into Devil Jin but loses control but its a bluff he can control it and defeats his father.
Heihachi opens the golden coffin and releases a spirit that combines all the Mokujins into one giant version.
we will refer to this creature as the "Earth Goddess", the combined consiousness of all mokujins and trees is superpissed at humans right now!
The Goddess attacks ling but panda helps her owner.The goddess is convinced that humanity is worth saving but Heihachi breaches its heart and takes control.
So let's wrap this up!
A double-team Devil Lazer/Sky-Rocket SuperPunch destroys the earth goddess and 'hachi. Jin recognises the Irony of an animal and a robot saving the world from a manmade evil, and tells Xiao that next they met, prepare to kill him. And so the film ends in Heihachiland, as Xiao convinces a repaired Alissa to join the next tourney, as she has motion capture data of the 3 Generations.
THIS FILM IS...ACCAPTABLE!
After Live Action. this is a step-up from that turd. But first negatives. Unless you follow the game Series, you will be lost to the plot. Second the unlikable one-shot Charecter of Shin. If you wanted to tell us Orge was returning in the game, give us Orge and not this whiny, suicidal floppy haired pansy boy who couldn't take a punch. Next negative the annoyingly perky nature of Alissa. Why would a killer robot act like she does? okay i said she was human before a robot but why would anyone act like a giggly bimbo when on a mission? I refer to a scene where they are entering Mishima-tech and Alissa says she would rather find embarassing Yearbook photos of Ling!
Now the postives!
Animation was slick, mouth movement lined up and story fitted the world we knew, rather that disregard it completly. Namco overlooked the production (for a change!) the script was written by Dai"Cowboy bebop" Saito and produced by Digital frontier, All Anime heavyweights.
So Tekken: Blood Vengeange. A tekken film done by people who know what they're doing!
CREDITS
Tekken blood vengeance review was written, edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham.
With clips from:
Tekken Blood Vengeance
Music:
All the things she said by TaTu
All clips belong to there respected owners.
Tekken is property of Namco/Bandai and blood vengeance is produced By Digital frontier.
All rights reserved
Follow me on youtube at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
With an example of a Tekken film done right. Is it any good? Yes. Is it the greatest Amime ever. no it's not. But find out for yourselves as we dig into Tekken blood Vengeance
I've tried my best to show you an image but its so famous by now that it has being dubbed the cover that "launched a 1000 shippers!"
For those who hav'nt, It's Xiaoyu holding Alisa in the style of La Pieta in a warzone. The dark clouds and offsetting sunrise makes it a striking shot, but the lighting and position of Alisa's Robotic Rump makes it look like Xiao has no skirt on.
As the story progresses you'll find out that Xiao will wear LESS Around Alessa!
The film starts as a women on a motorbike is playing chicken with a truck. As the truck explodes the woman takes of her headgear to reveal herself as Nina Williams. the truck driver reveals herself to be Anna Williams who wears that delicate and highly flammable silk quipo even when driving trucks full of explosives.Anna challanges her sister to a fight and the williams do what they are good at. Not being the Bread in a Kazuya sandwich, but kicking each other's asses.
I must share these first 5 minutes with you. The Animation is great, the dialogue syncs with the lip movement, and the moves are true to form.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CkLilTU1kQ0
So Nina avoids arrests as she gathers intel for Jin on the "M" Project. He tells Nina to go to Russia to get "it"(Alissa). Meanwhile, at G-Corp, Anna shows Kaz a picture of the only survivor of the M(utare) Project, Shin Kamiya. Anna plans to emotionally blackmail Ling Xiaoyu into becoming a spy for G-Corp.
We cut to Ling Xiaoyu, who is just a normal 19 year old girl...who is just so happens to be an Martial Artist who rides a panda like a horse and own her own theme park!
Y'know, Completely Normal!
After being expelled from school by Ganryu, Anna hires Xiao as her protege in the spy world.
As for the time-line, this happened after Tekken 4 as Ling didn't recognise Anna. Causing people to spectulate (and they are right) that Anna didn't actively compete in the 3rd tourament. we are told that later heihachi died in the Honmaru Fire. And alessa's campaign mode took place during tekken 5.
Ling is told to shadow Shin, the last and only survivor of the Mutare Project. Transfered to Kyoto-go High, we get our first cameo as Lee is now a teacher of robotics to a Class of one.
Given how much fans hated combot that comes to no surprise!
Xiao is surprised at how easy-going Kyoto-go is compared to Mishima-Tech Bumping into Alissa Bosconovich as Xiaoyu looks on in slow motion at her ass running away. On top of the school, Shin tries to kill himself but Xiao saves the Ungrateful Cunt. Searching his dorm that night, Ling spies shin having a shower,but turns to see Alissa also watching. Shin reveals that he has a tattooed arm that faintly looks like True Orge's Snake Arm and he is guarded by a Crow
Making contact with Anna, Anna tells Ling to find out what is making Shin invulnerable.
In Class Lee is giving a Chekov's Lecture about the Obligatory Supernatural Tekken boss.Shin tries to play Alissa and Xiao against each other. But Xiao presses shin about his disappearance. but says he cant remember, he gives a Humans are Bastards Speech before his tattoo glows and growls like True Orge
Alissa is confused about her feelings for shin, So she planned on winning the Prom queen title at the mokujin festival, It's there that Shin is Kidnapped. realizing this, Alissa reveals herself as a robot who hard resets into Assassination Mode.
So Alissa and Ling have a fight and despite her sweet nature, Alissa has chainsaw arms, bomb heads and robot wings. The fight is interrupted when Anna turns on Xiaoyu, but Panda helps them escape.
In the forest, The girls are hiding. Alissa's override is over, returning her to her previous state. Jogging past them is an unexpected savior, Lee.
Using his Mansion as a base, Xiaoyu and Alissa Discover that the Mutare Experiment was a transfusion of Orge's blood to build an army of super-soldiers. They find that Heihachi's name is being used as Shin's Legal guardian.
As Ling takes a shower she gets a text from Lei Wulong telling her they never found Heihachi's body in Honmaru. Stepping out of the shower, She see Alissa and Panda watching cartoons. Alissa tells Ling she plans to save Shin out of her feelings of love for him. Ling asks if those "feelings" are just programmed.
And that is the wrong things to say to that charecter!
BACKSTORY!
Despite Alissa being introduced as a playable charector in T6:BR, She has being a plot device since tekken 1. After suffering a car-crash that put her in a coma, Dr bosconovish devoted his life to Cyrogenics and robotics. When G-Corp attacked his lab, Alissa's human body was destroyed but her human memory was digitised and put in a robotic body.Dr .B has being missing since 5 and Alissa is searching for him.
As the G-Corps plan to seize Lee's Pimp Pad, Alessa and ling get close
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ItPcQWfPkds
Hear that? that is the sound of 1000s of nerd's wrists breaking typing Ships that will turn Alessa into a robotic Russian Lesbian Schoolgirl
Russian...Lesbian...Schoolgirl.....What does that remind me of?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mGBaXPlri8
Nina reconnects Alissa's MishimaNET link telling Ling that the lab is now Kyoto castle's Mokujin exhibition.
Finding Shin in the castle. they learn he lured the 3 generations of mishima to take them out, while expositing while they each want his M-cells. Jin, to cure his Devil Gene, Kaz to enhance his and Heihachi to turn back the clock. Shin goes to attack 'Hachi. as he does his strentgh leaves him. with a few blows Shin is murdered.
The Mishima's fight over Shin's body, destroying kyoto castle in the process. Dispatching Heihachi. Kaz becomes Devil Kaz. Alissa intervenes but Jin uses a voice command to deactivate her. Kaz steps on Alissa, breaking her in half. Jin turns into Devil Jin but loses control but its a bluff he can control it and defeats his father.
Heihachi opens the golden coffin and releases a spirit that combines all the Mokujins into one giant version.
we will refer to this creature as the "Earth Goddess", the combined consiousness of all mokujins and trees is superpissed at humans right now!
The Goddess attacks ling but panda helps her owner.The goddess is convinced that humanity is worth saving but Heihachi breaches its heart and takes control.
So let's wrap this up!
A double-team Devil Lazer/Sky-Rocket SuperPunch destroys the earth goddess and 'hachi. Jin recognises the Irony of an animal and a robot saving the world from a manmade evil, and tells Xiao that next they met, prepare to kill him. And so the film ends in Heihachiland, as Xiao convinces a repaired Alissa to join the next tourney, as she has motion capture data of the 3 Generations.
THIS FILM IS...ACCAPTABLE!
After Live Action. this is a step-up from that turd. But first negatives. Unless you follow the game Series, you will be lost to the plot. Second the unlikable one-shot Charecter of Shin. If you wanted to tell us Orge was returning in the game, give us Orge and not this whiny, suicidal floppy haired pansy boy who couldn't take a punch. Next negative the annoyingly perky nature of Alissa. Why would a killer robot act like she does? okay i said she was human before a robot but why would anyone act like a giggly bimbo when on a mission? I refer to a scene where they are entering Mishima-tech and Alissa says she would rather find embarassing Yearbook photos of Ling!
Now the postives!
Animation was slick, mouth movement lined up and story fitted the world we knew, rather that disregard it completly. Namco overlooked the production (for a change!) the script was written by Dai"Cowboy bebop" Saito and produced by Digital frontier, All Anime heavyweights.
So Tekken: Blood Vengeange. A tekken film done by people who know what they're doing!
CREDITS
Tekken blood vengeance review was written, edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham.
With clips from:
Tekken Blood Vengeance
Music:
All the things she said by TaTu
All clips belong to there respected owners.
Tekken is property of Namco/Bandai and blood vengeance is produced By Digital frontier.
All rights reserved
Follow me on youtube at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
Friday, June 1, 2012
Joe-jack reviews Constantine
(Since Joe-Jack is reviewing. as Poetic Licence, all spelling mistakes are intentional)
This months theme-"mysterious Ways" by U2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxDTUMLQJI&ob=av2e
(THE STORY SO FAR...
THE TICKET TO HELL EVENT IS OVER AND DESPITE THE OUTCOME OF THE BATTLE, A CASULTY. 80'S LAD, BBO'S RESIDENT TALKING HEAD, IS MISSING.
-Hey Eamonn
-Yes?
-Y'remember dat dis use t'be my blog?
-Yes?
'ow come you keep reviewin' filliums?
-It's not my fault! The Film lined up are one i've seen, remember or in my social circle of video games, comics and pro wrestling, i can make jokes off. Jokes, As a culchie you never touched water unless its mixed with yeast and hops, Would never get.
-C'mon one review in a while won't kill ya!
-Fine, You can have June.
-Sound! Wot I doin'?
-You're doing Constantine, a film Based on a comicbook
-AH SHITE!
(Days later as he is writting the review.)
HELLO SOFT CHAPS AGED 16-30! WHO WANTZ FILLIUMS BASED ON KOMIKAL BUKES?
I Don't have tiome t'read komik bukes. O'mi too busy BEING A MAN!
-Joe-Jack, did you wantz Spaggetti Hups wif ya chips?
NO MAMMY! I WANTZ ALPHABETTI SPAGETTHI!
....Okay maybe i was wrong to say ye are all Soft boyz for reading komikal bukes, as a lot of filliums in the past 10+ years. But while the major heroes outing are major hits...Any filliums of Minor charecters have being that...minor, No Matter who you have actin' in it.
Dis month we are looking at Constantine. It's here Oi'm readin' from a note Eamonn gave me.
John Constantine is the hero of British comic, Vertigo/Dc's comic, Hellblazer. John a punk-rock front man turned detective/demon hunter fights demonic forces as well as the crititisms of the ghosts of everyone he held dear. It started great enough with a balanced blend of horror and Btitish pop culture...then it got weird in crossover with Swamp thing as he need John to be a sperm donar...Despite that Hellblazer is a great choice of humour and horror.
So when ya make a film about an Englishman, hire an American actor t'play him!
So text at the films begining tells us abou' Da Spear of Destiny, Da McGuffin everyone is looking for. We start in Mexico in a burnt down chruch. A man finds da spear and listens to it. Mesmerized, Da man runs out to a open road. when he is run over by a car. However he survives.
Cut t'Los Angeles (SYMBOLISM!), A mother finds her daughter possessed. So after a priest fails to exorcise her. he calls in John Constantine(Reeves). Whose exorisin' method consists ov straddin' a teenage girl, burning her with a medalion and punching her. We cut t'John's drivah Chazz(played by Annoying Sidekick typecast Shia Labeof)John Traps the demon in a mirror and throws it out the window. John leaves but spies a picture of the spear by the girl.
Returning home, Constantine puts out his fag and lights a new one.I heard of chain-smokin' but this is ridicoulous.
We cut t'Rachael Weisz in comfession, she has just killed "another" man as her job as a cop. She also has a reaccuring dream that she is a mental patient that that kills herself. At the same time John wakes and voms blood.
It turns out that John has lung cancer but was saved 20 years ago. but continues to smoke.
(And the Darwin award goes to...)
It turns out that the dream that Angie(weisz) had was a premonition of her twin Isabella(also Weisz) commiting suicide from the roof of the same hospital John is in. Meanwhile the spear-holder literally jumps da border as its presences kills a whole field of CGI cows. Makin' these dyin' cows look realitik by komparsion!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r73_tUHjwmg
Johns to his Q, Leman that gives him his weapons. Buulets for his cruxifix shaped gun, holy water, A schreach-Beetle and a Dragon's breath flamethrower.
Cut to a chruch libary John and Angie meet but while Angie is arranging her sister's funeral, John has come to see Gabriel(twilda swindon). Da angel is not helpful speaking and acting more like a beareaucrat than as a confort.John has being hunting demons to get into Heaven but his cancer is terminal.
At her house, Angie gets prank calls on her phone. John gets attacked by a yoke completely made ov bugs. John goes t'Papa Midnight's, a bar fer magical creatures, t'use a Magical chair, while there he is confronted by da filliums bad guy- Belphazer, a Gay Steve Carrell lookalike....ooh scary!
Aftah sufferin' a coughin' spree, Angie tries t'hire John but he's such an ass that she walks away. But then a blackout summons demons but john uses his Dragon's breath to kill em.
Aftah investagating Isabella body da priest is cursed not be able t'drink causin' him t'go mad. He dies As Gay Not-Carrell looks on.
John exposistes on his life, how he sees things from an early age, How toppin' himself only made it worse, and how Angels and demons pull Humanites heart-strings.
Seachin' through Isabella's room they find a passage in the Satanic bible, speaking of da rise of Mammon, da divil's son. Naturally because in true Hellblazah fashion, a sidekick of constantine is killed for gettin' too close. and is eaten alive by incests.
Back to the Spear-holder, da Mexican steals a car
YAY RASCISM!
After Initating Angie in a ritual, She finds Belphezar's coin in Leman's office.
NOW IT'S ON!
Belphazer is beaten half t'death but tells john dat da blood ov christ on da spear will be used t'raise Mammon. Demonic forces take Angie. And John Returns t'Papa Midnight's t'use Da Chair.
Da Chair is an'Letric Chair used t'teleport John straight t'hell.Finding out dat da rebirth is at the hospital. Chazz bless the sprinkler water and john sets them off destroyin' da demons guards.
The spearbearer sends Angie to hell and mamon posseses her. but a failer exorcism instead impregnates her with Mammon. Chazz helps but is killed by gabriel who has turned on god as she thinks she can do his job better.
John summons da Divil who kills gabriel and mammon. but as soon as heswitches his souls with isabella to get to heaven. The divil's curses him with immortality. And the film ends wif John Givin' her the spear t'hide.
The real problem with this film is it's script One would be mistaken by some of it's wording that it is a sequel. It's not. It's just shitty writing despite its star power and legit scares, for its piss-pour script and lack of DVD EXTRAS IT GETS AN a-RATING
a fer awful.
Dis is John Jack da culchie saying
GET OFF MY LAND!
*GUNSHOT*
CREDITS
Constantine was written by, as Joe-Jack, compiled and edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With Footage and music
Crusha
Mysterious Ways by u2 couresty of Vevo
Hellblazer is property of Vertigo/DC Comics and Constantine is produced by Warner bros.
boggerbox office is not affliated with Crusha Drinks company.
Follow me at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
This months theme-"mysterious Ways" by U2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxDTUMLQJI&ob=av2e
(THE STORY SO FAR...
THE TICKET TO HELL EVENT IS OVER AND DESPITE THE OUTCOME OF THE BATTLE, A CASULTY. 80'S LAD, BBO'S RESIDENT TALKING HEAD, IS MISSING.
-Hey Eamonn
-Yes?
-Y'remember dat dis use t'be my blog?
-Yes?
'ow come you keep reviewin' filliums?
-It's not my fault! The Film lined up are one i've seen, remember or in my social circle of video games, comics and pro wrestling, i can make jokes off. Jokes, As a culchie you never touched water unless its mixed with yeast and hops, Would never get.
-C'mon one review in a while won't kill ya!
-Fine, You can have June.
-Sound! Wot I doin'?
-You're doing Constantine, a film Based on a comicbook
-AH SHITE!
(Days later as he is writting the review.)
HELLO SOFT CHAPS AGED 16-30! WHO WANTZ FILLIUMS BASED ON KOMIKAL BUKES?
I Don't have tiome t'read komik bukes. O'mi too busy BEING A MAN!
-Joe-Jack, did you wantz Spaggetti Hups wif ya chips?
NO MAMMY! I WANTZ ALPHABETTI SPAGETTHI!
....Okay maybe i was wrong to say ye are all Soft boyz for reading komikal bukes, as a lot of filliums in the past 10+ years. But while the major heroes outing are major hits...Any filliums of Minor charecters have being that...minor, No Matter who you have actin' in it.
Dis month we are looking at Constantine. It's here Oi'm readin' from a note Eamonn gave me.
John Constantine is the hero of British comic, Vertigo/Dc's comic, Hellblazer. John a punk-rock front man turned detective/demon hunter fights demonic forces as well as the crititisms of the ghosts of everyone he held dear. It started great enough with a balanced blend of horror and Btitish pop culture...then it got weird in crossover with Swamp thing as he need John to be a sperm donar...Despite that Hellblazer is a great choice of humour and horror.
So when ya make a film about an Englishman, hire an American actor t'play him!
So text at the films begining tells us abou' Da Spear of Destiny, Da McGuffin everyone is looking for. We start in Mexico in a burnt down chruch. A man finds da spear and listens to it. Mesmerized, Da man runs out to a open road. when he is run over by a car. However he survives.
Cut t'Los Angeles (SYMBOLISM!), A mother finds her daughter possessed. So after a priest fails to exorcise her. he calls in John Constantine(Reeves). Whose exorisin' method consists ov straddin' a teenage girl, burning her with a medalion and punching her. We cut t'John's drivah Chazz(played by Annoying Sidekick typecast Shia Labeof)John Traps the demon in a mirror and throws it out the window. John leaves but spies a picture of the spear by the girl.
Returning home, Constantine puts out his fag and lights a new one.I heard of chain-smokin' but this is ridicoulous.
We cut t'Rachael Weisz in comfession, she has just killed "another" man as her job as a cop. She also has a reaccuring dream that she is a mental patient that that kills herself. At the same time John wakes and voms blood.
It turns out that John has lung cancer but was saved 20 years ago. but continues to smoke.
(And the Darwin award goes to...)
It turns out that the dream that Angie(weisz) had was a premonition of her twin Isabella(also Weisz) commiting suicide from the roof of the same hospital John is in. Meanwhile the spear-holder literally jumps da border as its presences kills a whole field of CGI cows. Makin' these dyin' cows look realitik by komparsion!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r73_tUHjwmg
Johns to his Q, Leman that gives him his weapons. Buulets for his cruxifix shaped gun, holy water, A schreach-Beetle and a Dragon's breath flamethrower.
Cut to a chruch libary John and Angie meet but while Angie is arranging her sister's funeral, John has come to see Gabriel(twilda swindon). Da angel is not helpful speaking and acting more like a beareaucrat than as a confort.John has being hunting demons to get into Heaven but his cancer is terminal.
At her house, Angie gets prank calls on her phone. John gets attacked by a yoke completely made ov bugs. John goes t'Papa Midnight's, a bar fer magical creatures, t'use a Magical chair, while there he is confronted by da filliums bad guy- Belphazer, a Gay Steve Carrell lookalike....ooh scary!
Aftah sufferin' a coughin' spree, Angie tries t'hire John but he's such an ass that she walks away. But then a blackout summons demons but john uses his Dragon's breath to kill em.
Aftah investagating Isabella body da priest is cursed not be able t'drink causin' him t'go mad. He dies As Gay Not-Carrell looks on.
John exposistes on his life, how he sees things from an early age, How toppin' himself only made it worse, and how Angels and demons pull Humanites heart-strings.
Seachin' through Isabella's room they find a passage in the Satanic bible, speaking of da rise of Mammon, da divil's son. Naturally because in true Hellblazah fashion, a sidekick of constantine is killed for gettin' too close. and is eaten alive by incests.
Back to the Spear-holder, da Mexican steals a car
YAY RASCISM!
After Initating Angie in a ritual, She finds Belphezar's coin in Leman's office.
NOW IT'S ON!
Belphazer is beaten half t'death but tells john dat da blood ov christ on da spear will be used t'raise Mammon. Demonic forces take Angie. And John Returns t'Papa Midnight's t'use Da Chair.
Da Chair is an'Letric Chair used t'teleport John straight t'hell.Finding out dat da rebirth is at the hospital. Chazz bless the sprinkler water and john sets them off destroyin' da demons guards.
The spearbearer sends Angie to hell and mamon posseses her. but a failer exorcism instead impregnates her with Mammon. Chazz helps but is killed by gabriel who has turned on god as she thinks she can do his job better.
John summons da Divil who kills gabriel and mammon. but as soon as heswitches his souls with isabella to get to heaven. The divil's curses him with immortality. And the film ends wif John Givin' her the spear t'hide.
The real problem with this film is it's script One would be mistaken by some of it's wording that it is a sequel. It's not. It's just shitty writing despite its star power and legit scares, for its piss-pour script and lack of DVD EXTRAS IT GETS AN a-RATING
a fer awful.
Dis is John Jack da culchie saying
GET OFF MY LAND!
*GUNSHOT*
CREDITS
Constantine was written by, as Joe-Jack, compiled and edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With Footage and music
Crusha
Mysterious Ways by u2 couresty of Vevo
Hellblazer is property of Vertigo/DC Comics and Constantine is produced by Warner bros.
boggerbox office is not affliated with Crusha Drinks company.
Follow me at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Offical Ending to Silent hill review.
Thank you all for your page views and with 59 page views. you have chose this as your offical ending
ENDING #3(41-60 VIEWS)
UFO ENDING-THE VISITORS
(We cut to Joe-Jack's farm in Butt-craic, west of Ireland. An Alien tractor-beam sends to party of aliens to Joe-jack door and they knock.
WOTYAWANT?
Greetings human. We have come from a distant world many light-years away. We have come on a message of Peace. Bearing Gifts that will end War, Plague,Poverty and Famine. As our duly appointed representative. What do you say?
GET OFF MY LAND!
*GUNSHOT* THAT TAKES THE ALIEN'S HEAD CLEAN OFF!
-Joe-jack, who woz dat at the door?
-No-one Mammy! Just some Jehovah'z Witnesses!
(Over head an armada of SaucerS start destroying everything)
THANKS FOR PLAYING!
GAME OVER!
ENDING #3(41-60 VIEWS)
UFO ENDING-THE VISITORS
(We cut to Joe-Jack's farm in Butt-craic, west of Ireland. An Alien tractor-beam sends to party of aliens to Joe-jack door and they knock.
WOTYAWANT?
Greetings human. We have come from a distant world many light-years away. We have come on a message of Peace. Bearing Gifts that will end War, Plague,Poverty and Famine. As our duly appointed representative. What do you say?
GET OFF MY LAND!
*GUNSHOT* THAT TAKES THE ALIEN'S HEAD CLEAN OFF!
-Joe-jack, who woz dat at the door?
-No-one Mammy! Just some Jehovah'z Witnesses!
(Over head an armada of SaucerS start destroying everything)
THANKS FOR PLAYING!
GAME OVER!
Friday, May 18, 2012
over the limit predictions and mini update.
All matches are in title importance.
WWE championship
Cm punk(c) vs Daniel Bryan.
my money on. Punk has being champion for nearly a year now. Bryan is now riding high using the Power of Meme. Just like Punk was last year. Except the Yes chant has transenced just bryan it has being used when something the IWC See's something they like. Point in case(Street fighter FTW!~). I won€6 on stratch cards my response. A Yes! chant! In Summary, Bryan to win cos he's on a tear.
world championship.
Lame-ass the Butt-kiss-uh!(c) vs Blandy Bore-ton vs ADR vs Chris "mr 3rd rate rock frontman" Jericho.
And it's spelt like this G-E-N-E-R-I-C.
Garish Butterfly Championship!
Fail-a (c) vs Beth Phionex
Last month. after being deafened by chants of "WeWant Kharma!" We did get the return of a former Afican-American Women's champion-Expect it wasn't Kharma.
It was Layla. Who became champion in 2 minutes.
AND NOT A SINGLE FUCK WAS GIVEN ON THAT NIGHT!
i Don't beleieve that Beth is 100% and i believe the booking will reflect that but still if Layla wins on Monday morning (gmt). NOT A SINGLE FUCK WILL BE GIVEN ON THAT NIGHT!
And your main event.
John FUCKING Cena vs John FUCKING (Most the Divas) Laurinitaus
if Rubber Johnny Loses he is fired.
with means he will win. or Shitunga will cause a run-in giving Cena a dq win. Because we are not IDIOTS ,(LIKE THE) WWE BOOKING COMMITEE!
(SORRY THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE PUBLISHED ON pathofenlightment.blogspot.com but i was put here by mistake. My Bad!)
WWE championship
Cm punk(c) vs Daniel Bryan.
my money on. Punk has being champion for nearly a year now. Bryan is now riding high using the Power of Meme. Just like Punk was last year. Except the Yes chant has transenced just bryan it has being used when something the IWC See's something they like. Point in case(Street fighter FTW!~). I won€6 on stratch cards my response. A Yes! chant! In Summary, Bryan to win cos he's on a tear.
world championship.
Lame-ass the Butt-kiss-uh!(c) vs Blandy Bore-ton vs ADR vs Chris "mr 3rd rate rock frontman" Jericho.
And it's spelt like this G-E-N-E-R-I-C.
Garish Butterfly Championship!
Fail-a (c) vs Beth Phionex
Last month. after being deafened by chants of "WeWant Kharma!" We did get the return of a former Afican-American Women's champion-Expect it wasn't Kharma.
It was Layla. Who became champion in 2 minutes.
AND NOT A SINGLE FUCK WAS GIVEN ON THAT NIGHT!
i Don't beleieve that Beth is 100% and i believe the booking will reflect that but still if Layla wins on Monday morning (gmt). NOT A SINGLE FUCK WILL BE GIVEN ON THAT NIGHT!
And your main event.
John FUCKING Cena vs John FUCKING (Most the Divas) Laurinitaus
if Rubber Johnny Loses he is fired.
with means he will win. or Shitunga will cause a run-in giving Cena a dq win. Because we are not IDIOTS ,(LIKE THE) WWE BOOKING COMMITEE!
(SORRY THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE PUBLISHED ON pathofenlightment.blogspot.com but i was put here by mistake. My Bad!)
Monday, May 14, 2012
Eamonn reviews Silent Hill Part 3
This weeks theme: Betrayal from silent hill 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkvJY-YfELs
No no no! We've established this is Silent Hill in name only. i want a theme thats as far way as this film has become.
this weeks theme- the catchiest song in the world http://youtube.com/watch?v=2Fpc4AUaHhY8=av2e
To finalise this review, Rose hurtles down Disneyland's Tower of Terror ride as the Fanatics Beat Cybill half to death.
Down in the hospital, Rose is confronted by a chorus-line of the games other well known monsters-The Nurses.
Backstory!
the nurses are representatives of sex. In this cause Alessa raped by the Janitor.
So as the nurses walk suggestivly towards Rose, orgasming at every step. Until Rose jostles into one making them all kill each other. Rose runs towards the next door and greeted by a blinding ligh-OW MY RETINAS!
After an hour of this piss pour horror the only thing that made me flinch is a white screen.
Finally in the light, Alessa voice gives us the backstory, Alessa was born out of wedlock, so she was bullied by childern, raped by Janitor and sacrificed by the order because Christabella convinced everyone that an artistic mind is a evil mind.but instead of killing the child to exorcise a demon, A demon turned Alessa into a Living Magical weapon. Alessa's last act of humanity was to separate Sharon, Herself and the Reaper into 3 forms so her goodness (sharon) would have the love she was denied.
The Reaper angry that he was summoned by the blood child posesses a willing rose to enter the church. In the Church, Sharon and Cybill are tied to pyres. Cybill turns into demon and is burnt to death without flames touching her.
ERR...WHY?
We know Cybill gets turned into a monster in SH1 but you can cure before actually killing her.
So Rose returns to tell the Order to let Sharon go before the reaper frees itself from her. Chistabella retorts. with her knife.
But this summons the reaper from below. Alessa's hospital bed springs on a jungle of barbed wire choking and killing all the order, Starting with Christabella who is raped by wire and torn apart.
Time to wrap this up.
The order, reaper and alessa are gone, Sharon and rose return home but there home is covered in mist.While Chris scenes of home is not. So are they dead? are they Alive but still in other world? seriously what the fuck is going on in this ending?
THIS FILM SUCKS!
WHERE, OH, WHERE DO I EVEN START?
Roger Avary's screenplay did what Scott Einesien's comics did. It made it a parody of itself. The lack of lighting when done right, should added to the scares. Instead half the time I couldn't make out what was going on. Then the monsters. they are not scary. In the games the monsters appear from nowhere and attack from all angles. Here, their appearance is built up and given musical accompliment.
Pyramid head's rape and killing of Anna would be more gruesome if an orchestra didn't play in the background.
So in closing, I came in with a limited of Silent Hill, and now i feel i know less if that's possible.
NOW ITS UP TO YOU TO END THIS STORYLINE!
IN TRUE SILENT HILL FASHION, EAMONN HAS WRITTEN 5 ENDINGS. BUT ONLY 1 WILL BE CHOSEN, TO CHOOSE A MORE SUITABLE OUTCOME, WE NEED YOUR PAGEVIEWS.
YOUR PAGE VIEWS WILL COMPLETELY CHANGE ALL SUBSEQUENT REVIEWS AND STORYLINES FOREVER. GET INVOLVED!
CREDITS
Silent Hill review was written, edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
with Music from Silent hill1"My Heaven" in part 1,
"Angel's Thatantos" from silent hill 2 in part 2,
And betrayal also from Silent hill 2
and "Disco Romancing" aka the World's Most Catchiest song by elena
all clips belong to there respected owners.
Silent Hill is a property of Konami, Distrubuted by Pathe Films
all rights reserved.
Follow me on Youtube at http:www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkvJY-YfELs
No no no! We've established this is Silent Hill in name only. i want a theme thats as far way as this film has become.
this weeks theme- the catchiest song in the world http://youtube.com/watch?v=2Fpc4AUaHhY8=av2e
To finalise this review, Rose hurtles down Disneyland's Tower of Terror ride as the Fanatics Beat Cybill half to death.
Down in the hospital, Rose is confronted by a chorus-line of the games other well known monsters-The Nurses.
Backstory!
the nurses are representatives of sex. In this cause Alessa raped by the Janitor.
So as the nurses walk suggestivly towards Rose, orgasming at every step. Until Rose jostles into one making them all kill each other. Rose runs towards the next door and greeted by a blinding ligh-OW MY RETINAS!
After an hour of this piss pour horror the only thing that made me flinch is a white screen.
Finally in the light, Alessa voice gives us the backstory, Alessa was born out of wedlock, so she was bullied by childern, raped by Janitor and sacrificed by the order because Christabella convinced everyone that an artistic mind is a evil mind.but instead of killing the child to exorcise a demon, A demon turned Alessa into a Living Magical weapon. Alessa's last act of humanity was to separate Sharon, Herself and the Reaper into 3 forms so her goodness (sharon) would have the love she was denied.
The Reaper angry that he was summoned by the blood child posesses a willing rose to enter the church. In the Church, Sharon and Cybill are tied to pyres. Cybill turns into demon and is burnt to death without flames touching her.
ERR...WHY?
We know Cybill gets turned into a monster in SH1 but you can cure before actually killing her.
So Rose returns to tell the Order to let Sharon go before the reaper frees itself from her. Chistabella retorts. with her knife.
But this summons the reaper from below. Alessa's hospital bed springs on a jungle of barbed wire choking and killing all the order, Starting with Christabella who is raped by wire and torn apart.
Time to wrap this up.
The order, reaper and alessa are gone, Sharon and rose return home but there home is covered in mist.While Chris scenes of home is not. So are they dead? are they Alive but still in other world? seriously what the fuck is going on in this ending?
THIS FILM SUCKS!
WHERE, OH, WHERE DO I EVEN START?
Roger Avary's screenplay did what Scott Einesien's comics did. It made it a parody of itself. The lack of lighting when done right, should added to the scares. Instead half the time I couldn't make out what was going on. Then the monsters. they are not scary. In the games the monsters appear from nowhere and attack from all angles. Here, their appearance is built up and given musical accompliment.
Pyramid head's rape and killing of Anna would be more gruesome if an orchestra didn't play in the background.
So in closing, I came in with a limited of Silent Hill, and now i feel i know less if that's possible.
NOW ITS UP TO YOU TO END THIS STORYLINE!
IN TRUE SILENT HILL FASHION, EAMONN HAS WRITTEN 5 ENDINGS. BUT ONLY 1 WILL BE CHOSEN, TO CHOOSE A MORE SUITABLE OUTCOME, WE NEED YOUR PAGEVIEWS.
YOUR PAGE VIEWS WILL COMPLETELY CHANGE ALL SUBSEQUENT REVIEWS AND STORYLINES FOREVER. GET INVOLVED!
CREDITS
Silent Hill review was written, edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
with Music from Silent hill1"My Heaven" in part 1,
"Angel's Thatantos" from silent hill 2 in part 2,
And betrayal also from Silent hill 2
and "Disco Romancing" aka the World's Most Catchiest song by elena
all clips belong to there respected owners.
Silent Hill is a property of Konami, Distrubuted by Pathe Films
all rights reserved.
Follow me on Youtube at http:www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
Monday, May 7, 2012
Eamonn reviews Silent Hill Part 2
(This week's theme-Angel's Thanatos from Silent Hill 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZUTIMtxzj8
To continue where we left off, The Air Raid sirens cause all the stalls to rust. This brigs the body of the Janitor back to life as a contorted Zombie it's Touch summons cockroaches that eats the Minors alive. Rose finds Alessa before she can get closer, a partition behind her gives way and she falls through it.
Back in Real Silent Hill, Det.Gucci and Chris are looking for Rose and Sharon topside. Back in Otherworld,the Problems for Rose continue as she is cornered by Silent hill's most well known enemies.
(Papier Mache) Pyramid Head.
BACKSTORY!
(Pyramid Head represents man's rage and dominance over all things. It was summoned by Chris' feelings to find Sahron only to to divorce Rose.)
Rose runs out of the schools furnace room while in reality, she passes by the 2 men. Just when all hope is lost Cybil rescues Rose from the cockroaches. However the Siren blares again, Destroying the Roaches. As Cybil releases Rose's handcuffs, Rose pulls a piece of Marble from her ass with "hotel" carved in it and says Sharon is kept there.
Heading to the Grand Hotel. Rose comes across Dhlia again being chased by another survivor called Anna, Who talks about a "Christabella" that rules the town.
And somewhere in Minnesota,Linkara is having a heart-attack!
BACKSTORY!
This not the first time Silent Hill has being put in a medium it didn't belong in. Scott Einensen created a series of Silent Hill comic which, like this film is Silent Hill in Name Only! The main anatagonist in this crappy comic is a whiney, potty-mouthed Dead child called Christabella. Iwould tell you more but Linkara's Atop The 4th Wall does it a lot better than I could!
Finding a picture by sharon in a pigeon hole for room 111 and taking anna with them. They can't find the room. However. seeing the picture is of Sharon being burnt at the stake. Make roses check the picture in the hotel/ it lead to a secret passage and Rose loses Anna's Knife down a chasm because the plot says so.
Finding themselves In a Mannequin Factory they corner Alessa. Rose, Dong her best balancing act over a Bluescreen, Gets to the creepy dopelganger. Alessa shows off her fiery powers but it's only an illusion. The Air Raid Siren Goes off once more And Anna drags the others to the church. the other survivorspush the 3 women and Dhlia outside the church. Dahlia summons Papier Mache Pyramid Head to Kill Anna By using his powers to turn her into a cheap looking CGI effect and Ripping her skin off.
The Townspeople call the women witches, but Christabella Intervenes tending to rose while really pick-pocketing her locket.Rose is shocked that the church is the source of the Siren.
Meanwhile Chistopher is at the orphanage when they adopted Sharon for clues about Silent Hill. He accuses Gucci of leading him astray because he's from Silent Hill.
FORESHADOWING HAS ARRIVED!
But does tell Him that Alessa was indeed sacrificed by the Church of The Order.
Christabella tells Roses that if Sharon is anywhere she would have being taking to the Hospital or The Heart of Darkness. Christabella sees the photo of Sharon and calls Rose a witch. Cybill fights of the fantics as roses heads down the lift Into Part 3 into the Heart of Darkness.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZUTIMtxzj8
To continue where we left off, The Air Raid sirens cause all the stalls to rust. This brigs the body of the Janitor back to life as a contorted Zombie it's Touch summons cockroaches that eats the Minors alive. Rose finds Alessa before she can get closer, a partition behind her gives way and she falls through it.
Back in Real Silent Hill, Det.Gucci and Chris are looking for Rose and Sharon topside. Back in Otherworld,the Problems for Rose continue as she is cornered by Silent hill's most well known enemies.
(Papier Mache) Pyramid Head.
BACKSTORY!
(Pyramid Head represents man's rage and dominance over all things. It was summoned by Chris' feelings to find Sahron only to to divorce Rose.)
Rose runs out of the schools furnace room while in reality, she passes by the 2 men. Just when all hope is lost Cybil rescues Rose from the cockroaches. However the Siren blares again, Destroying the Roaches. As Cybil releases Rose's handcuffs, Rose pulls a piece of Marble from her ass with "hotel" carved in it and says Sharon is kept there.
Heading to the Grand Hotel. Rose comes across Dhlia again being chased by another survivor called Anna, Who talks about a "Christabella" that rules the town.
And somewhere in Minnesota,Linkara is having a heart-attack!
BACKSTORY!
This not the first time Silent Hill has being put in a medium it didn't belong in. Scott Einensen created a series of Silent Hill comic which, like this film is Silent Hill in Name Only! The main anatagonist in this crappy comic is a whiney, potty-mouthed Dead child called Christabella. Iwould tell you more but Linkara's Atop The 4th Wall does it a lot better than I could!
Finding a picture by sharon in a pigeon hole for room 111 and taking anna with them. They can't find the room. However. seeing the picture is of Sharon being burnt at the stake. Make roses check the picture in the hotel/ it lead to a secret passage and Rose loses Anna's Knife down a chasm because the plot says so.
Finding themselves In a Mannequin Factory they corner Alessa. Rose, Dong her best balancing act over a Bluescreen, Gets to the creepy dopelganger. Alessa shows off her fiery powers but it's only an illusion. The Air Raid Siren Goes off once more And Anna drags the others to the church. the other survivorspush the 3 women and Dhlia outside the church. Dahlia summons Papier Mache Pyramid Head to Kill Anna By using his powers to turn her into a cheap looking CGI effect and Ripping her skin off.
The Townspeople call the women witches, but Christabella Intervenes tending to rose while really pick-pocketing her locket.Rose is shocked that the church is the source of the Siren.
Meanwhile Chistopher is at the orphanage when they adopted Sharon for clues about Silent Hill. He accuses Gucci of leading him astray because he's from Silent Hill.
FORESHADOWING HAS ARRIVED!
But does tell Him that Alessa was indeed sacrificed by the Church of The Order.
Christabella tells Roses that if Sharon is anywhere she would have being taking to the Hospital or The Heart of Darkness. Christabella sees the photo of Sharon and calls Rose a witch. Cybill fights of the fantics as roses heads down the lift Into Part 3 into the Heart of Darkness.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Eamonn reviews Silent Hill: Part 1
(The Story so far...
IT HAS ALL COME DOWN TO THIS. THE COMET. THE RACIST FILM. THE COMA. THE BOMBING. THE AIR-RAID SIRENS SUMMONING DEMONIC CREATURES AND NOW...THE FAMILIAR TRAIN THAT RUNS ON CELLULOID RAILS AND THROUGH THE TUNNELS OF SHEER JOY, EAMONN FACES THE LORD OF DARKNESS HIMSELF,THE DEVIL!)
BRING IT ON, THERE'S NOTHING THAT IS BAD ENOUGH TO BREAK MY SPIRIT!
OH YEAH? WOULD YOU WAGER YOUR SOUL ON IT?
(DESCENDING FROM THE FURNACE, THE SOURCE OF HIS POWERS, THE DEVIL'S DVD SPINS SLOWER THE PATTERN CHANGES COLOUR UNTIL THE THE TRANSFORMED DISC IN READABLE.
"SILENT HILL?"
OH FU-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tY92NAdGaR4
Yes! the finale of my first ever storyline is the review of a film so bad, that silent hill 3 had to up the gore so much it's banned in its own country of Japan.
Confession Time!
I never played Silent hill as i don't like shooters but I do like the story and the horrific designs of the monsters.But this film is the same as the Silent Hill comics. It has little base material used in it.
So with that in mind, lets trudge unarmed into Silent Hill.
So the film starts with the DiSilva Family, Rose (Radha Mitchell) and Chris(Sean Bean) in the middle of the night, looking for their daughter,Sharon. Rose finds her sleepwalking child about to jump of a cliff.Rose catches her as she screams Silent Hill
TITLE DROP!
The next day Rose tells her daughter that because of her dreams, and instead of the logical choice of seeing a doctor, they chose to go to the evil town filled with devil-worshipers and scary monsters.Except Sean Bean, who didn't really what the money and screentime it looks like.
As Rose is pumping petrol at a petrol station, she looks through Sharon's sketch book. it's filled with pictures of Grey Children and the Church of the Order.A distraught Sharon cannot remember drawing them.
This gets the attention of a policewoman. It turns outs that Chris has put a warrant on Rose for her arrest for Kidnapping. Rose then exposites that Sharon is adopted and From West Virginia where Silent hill is....Wait I thought Silent Hill was in Massecuchetts?
As Rose speeds off, the cop pulls her over, But Rose drives off when she sees the sign for Silent Hill.
Our Heroine, Ladies and Gentleman! Endangering her Child's life to avoid arrest.
So as Rose speeds off, A ghostly form steps in front of the car, causing it to crash. As Rose wakes up, It's morning, raining ash and Sharon is missing. We are in Silent Hill.
So Rose walks down the empty street, when she chases a child that isn't even wearing the clothes you dressed her in, Rose! But still chases Obviously Alessa, Then the Air Raid Siren goes off.
BACKSTORY!
The events that turned Silent Hill into a Hell hole happened During the war. The monsters of Silent Hill are negative Feelings made (rotting) flesh Whenever the siren is heard. Our world Silent hill becomes the Otherworld Silent hill. The Day turns to night and the wall start to bleed. Stumbling through a boiler room, Rose finds a dead body. Seeing Alessa run has her summon the Order's Miners and the Grey Children.
Backstory!
As said before, Silent Hill monsters are created by Negative feelings. The Grey children are embodiment of Alessa being bullied in school and creating the creatures as payback.
The Grey Children are not scary as it's just the 1 midget And ctrl and v Pressed a few times. However finding a light source dispelled the little bastards and transports rose into a Diner.
Shocked that she has moved she goes to her car Only to find the car...is gone!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC!)
And that the road is replaced by a chasm.
BACKSTORY!
The role of Silent Hill is twofold. It Claims back its own and lures people for being "impure" and punishes them.
From behind Rose Dahlia, Alessa's Mother Talks in Riddles about the town taking the children. Showing a picture of Sharon causing Dahlia to nearly push Sharon of the cliff.
Meanwhile Chris has travelled to West Virgina to find his family meeting Det. Thomas Gucci.Rose finds pictures made by Sharon of the midwich school. Finding her car she tries to start it and call Chris, But is arrestted by Sybil Bennett a Policewoman and a character from the first game.
So as the 2 women are walking towards the chasm, Sybill tells Rose that there has being a long history of Child sacrifice since the town became haunted. Rose's worry, and feeling of helplessness, especially after being handcuffed, manifests itself into Silent Hill's it's most dangerous denizens, The Armless Man. Cybill shoots at it, but it shoots acid at her in kind.
Oh, so I guess it wasn't so 'armless after all!
I'LL GET MY COAT...
Rose finds her way to Midwich School. Searching through the drawers for a torch. Chris and Thomas are driving in real world Silent hill, as Thomas says he was from Silent Hill.
FORESHADOWING!
Back in school, Rose finds Alessa's coat. but are chased by the Order. In a Class room Hand prints on a desk that somehow Rose recognises as her daughters (What An Ass Pull That Was!) In Sharon's Handwriting on a copy book is the name Alessa Gillespie. Chasing her into toilets. Rose hears her crying. In one of the stalls is the crucified body of the Janitor in Barb wire. Seeing her chance to free herself, Rose takes the key out of the corpse's mouth. The Order attacks but an Air Screamer in a cage starts to act like a canary. The Air Raid siren goes off again. Turning real world into Otherworld.
END OF PART 1
PART 2 NEXT TUESDAY.
IT HAS ALL COME DOWN TO THIS. THE COMET. THE RACIST FILM. THE COMA. THE BOMBING. THE AIR-RAID SIRENS SUMMONING DEMONIC CREATURES AND NOW...THE FAMILIAR TRAIN THAT RUNS ON CELLULOID RAILS AND THROUGH THE TUNNELS OF SHEER JOY, EAMONN FACES THE LORD OF DARKNESS HIMSELF,THE DEVIL!)
BRING IT ON, THERE'S NOTHING THAT IS BAD ENOUGH TO BREAK MY SPIRIT!
OH YEAH? WOULD YOU WAGER YOUR SOUL ON IT?
(DESCENDING FROM THE FURNACE, THE SOURCE OF HIS POWERS, THE DEVIL'S DVD SPINS SLOWER THE PATTERN CHANGES COLOUR UNTIL THE THE TRANSFORMED DISC IN READABLE.
"SILENT HILL?"
OH FU-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tY92NAdGaR4
Yes! the finale of my first ever storyline is the review of a film so bad, that silent hill 3 had to up the gore so much it's banned in its own country of Japan.
Confession Time!
I never played Silent hill as i don't like shooters but I do like the story and the horrific designs of the monsters.But this film is the same as the Silent Hill comics. It has little base material used in it.
So with that in mind, lets trudge unarmed into Silent Hill.
So the film starts with the DiSilva Family, Rose (Radha Mitchell) and Chris(Sean Bean) in the middle of the night, looking for their daughter,Sharon. Rose finds her sleepwalking child about to jump of a cliff.Rose catches her as she screams Silent Hill
TITLE DROP!
The next day Rose tells her daughter that because of her dreams, and instead of the logical choice of seeing a doctor, they chose to go to the evil town filled with devil-worshipers and scary monsters.Except Sean Bean, who didn't really what the money and screentime it looks like.
As Rose is pumping petrol at a petrol station, she looks through Sharon's sketch book. it's filled with pictures of Grey Children and the Church of the Order.A distraught Sharon cannot remember drawing them.
This gets the attention of a policewoman. It turns outs that Chris has put a warrant on Rose for her arrest for Kidnapping. Rose then exposites that Sharon is adopted and From West Virginia where Silent hill is....Wait I thought Silent Hill was in Massecuchetts?
As Rose speeds off, the cop pulls her over, But Rose drives off when she sees the sign for Silent Hill.
Our Heroine, Ladies and Gentleman! Endangering her Child's life to avoid arrest.
So as Rose speeds off, A ghostly form steps in front of the car, causing it to crash. As Rose wakes up, It's morning, raining ash and Sharon is missing. We are in Silent Hill.
So Rose walks down the empty street, when she chases a child that isn't even wearing the clothes you dressed her in, Rose! But still chases Obviously Alessa, Then the Air Raid Siren goes off.
BACKSTORY!
The events that turned Silent Hill into a Hell hole happened During the war. The monsters of Silent Hill are negative Feelings made (rotting) flesh Whenever the siren is heard. Our world Silent hill becomes the Otherworld Silent hill. The Day turns to night and the wall start to bleed. Stumbling through a boiler room, Rose finds a dead body. Seeing Alessa run has her summon the Order's Miners and the Grey Children.
Backstory!
As said before, Silent Hill monsters are created by Negative feelings. The Grey children are embodiment of Alessa being bullied in school and creating the creatures as payback.
The Grey Children are not scary as it's just the 1 midget And ctrl and v Pressed a few times. However finding a light source dispelled the little bastards and transports rose into a Diner.
Shocked that she has moved she goes to her car Only to find the car...is gone!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC!)
And that the road is replaced by a chasm.
BACKSTORY!
The role of Silent Hill is twofold. It Claims back its own and lures people for being "impure" and punishes them.
From behind Rose Dahlia, Alessa's Mother Talks in Riddles about the town taking the children. Showing a picture of Sharon causing Dahlia to nearly push Sharon of the cliff.
Meanwhile Chris has travelled to West Virgina to find his family meeting Det. Thomas Gucci.Rose finds pictures made by Sharon of the midwich school. Finding her car she tries to start it and call Chris, But is arrestted by Sybil Bennett a Policewoman and a character from the first game.
So as the 2 women are walking towards the chasm, Sybill tells Rose that there has being a long history of Child sacrifice since the town became haunted. Rose's worry, and feeling of helplessness, especially after being handcuffed, manifests itself into Silent Hill's it's most dangerous denizens, The Armless Man. Cybill shoots at it, but it shoots acid at her in kind.
Oh, so I guess it wasn't so 'armless after all!
I'LL GET MY COAT...
Rose finds her way to Midwich School. Searching through the drawers for a torch. Chris and Thomas are driving in real world Silent hill, as Thomas says he was from Silent Hill.
FORESHADOWING!
Back in school, Rose finds Alessa's coat. but are chased by the Order. In a Class room Hand prints on a desk that somehow Rose recognises as her daughters (What An Ass Pull That Was!) In Sharon's Handwriting on a copy book is the name Alessa Gillespie. Chasing her into toilets. Rose hears her crying. In one of the stalls is the crucified body of the Janitor in Barb wire. Seeing her chance to free herself, Rose takes the key out of the corpse's mouth. The Order attacks but an Air Screamer in a cage starts to act like a canary. The Air Raid siren goes off again. Turning real world into Otherworld.
END OF PART 1
PART 2 NEXT TUESDAY.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)