(EAMONN'S REVIEW IN BLACK)
(JOE-JACK'S LINES IN BLUE)
(Eamonn was up in Butt-craic, Da Wesht Ov Ireland, visting joe-jack, when he got up to leave. Joe-jack cocked his rifle at Eamonn's head. Eamonn wasn't suprised at it's pratically "Hello" in Da Bogs.
-An' where d'yer think ye are goin'?
Home!
-Think again ya Shitehawk! It's October so Da Zombie Tourists are out again, so dey are!
(see Hallowe'en 2009 for more details!)...And there is....Sumpthing Else!
-Worse than Zombies?
-Ya! It a silverly yoke, like a light-shaped like a person. I saw it feed on Da Zombie ov me Aunty Margo, It covered it in its colours and left nothin'
-Like she was "deleted"?
-You mean like Ahties Lad? You mean?
-I Really Don't know! But if this thing is hunting zombies without trouble, then this rescue mission has become a retrival Mission!
And now our feature presentation.
This Months theme-Who Do you think you are Kidding, Mr Hitler? (Dad's Army theme)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mnRIejYv9mo
Nazi's at the Centre of the Earth!
Roll the footage!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvYANkbuvdY
No, this is real! this existed someone actually made this! And when you find that the Asylum made this you will Understand why this is being reviewed here!
For those who watch Bad movie Beatdown every friday morning on TGWTG, you will be familer with the Asylum, a film studio who creates straight to dvd rip-offs major blockbusters with the purpose of fleecing money from unsuspecting dvd shops. Asylum are responsible for films like Transmorphers, The Terminators, AvH:Alien vs Hunter, Battle of Los Angeles, and Almighty Thor.
With that said said, Lets dig into Syfy's (B-COZ PUR LITARA-C IZ.... KEWL!) Nazis at the Centre of the Earth and see why would anyone make this film!
The Film starts, funnily enough in Germany 1944 as Nazis loads Strange Machines onto a plane, Until they are interruptted by Conspicious CGI Tanks.
Cut to Antarticia present day, 2 explorers are doing ecological research for a nearby prametcutcal envoy when they find a nazi bunker by accident they turn to find soldiers who kidnap them
Back at the base,Lucas a young scientist exposes that his mentor, Dr Rystad (Jake Busey) for attemping to him and his crew a flesh eating virus, When news that Mark and Paige did not return All the remaining explorers go find their friends, even Dr Rystade but he argues/exposistes that he is only one that has being on King George Island before so he know where to look.
We cut to Mark being experimented on, his skin ripped off his face!
Back to the CGI snowplow, the rest of the explorers descent down a tunnel 50 feet below sea level. The Token Asian says he can hear machinery down a tunnel.
At the same time Paige(Dominique Swain) escapes her cell finding mark and a nazi zombie with his face. they have being keeping themselves alive with spare body-parts! She stumbles into a cold room where she is recaptured.
Lucas is revealed to be paige fiance, who descend down the shaft, Dr Rystade, who is certainly not a villian,cuts the rope with a concealed knife.Rystade's girlfriend Sylvia to go after him who stumbles onto an Underground City.
Wow, Ember must be under new management!
Paige saves herself from being a doctor and being of Germain descent.
Back to the explorers, some are feeling fatigued and Rystade is giving out bottles of water, he was ousted as a poisioner in the first 15 minutes, why would you apart from directions why would you trust him?
So the Big Reveal is that Rystade is a Villian who has being leading explorers to the hidden city like a Judas' Goat for Dr Mengiller aka the Angel of Death. Not only are they medically advanced to stave of death, but technologically advanced making Lazer guns. that vapourises the Jewish Dr Blassman.
So BLAH BLAH BLAH, Global Domination,BLAH BLAH BLAH,Rise of the Fourth Riech, BLAH BLAH BLAH, Paige is Heel turned.
Betrayed, Lucas and his team has no choice to help Mengiller to heal the soldiers Later the women are separated and Angela is raped, the deal made to spare their lives only made to the white members of Lucas' team, While the others are expected to be raped for them its going to be much worse!
May is killed and the Orderly's new skin graft is that of Angela's Tattoo confirming that she was also killed.
May's Brain is exposed as Rystade harvests the brain into the machine in the opening scene. Sylvia reveals she is pregnent with Rystade's baby who punches her and knocks her out!
When Sylvia wakes up, Rystade and Mengiller discuss extracting the fetus for it's stem cells.
-okay its one thing to maim adults but to kill unborn children-even if it is a film-that just goes against decency!-Anyway the stem cells have being used for their master plan-A Cyborg Hitler and a Fleet of UFOS!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NgR3N8y4boQ
Token Asian is decapitated by cyborg Hitler Whose head seemingly become a wax-head of a black man!
Back in the bunker, Mellinger is killed by Paige making a face Turn, Lucas kills the zombie with Marks face by ripping it off! Finding a flayed Mark, they put him out of his misery,
Stealing the vapourisers that killed Blassman, Lucas,Paige and a Red Shirt make an escape, Rystad Kidnaps Sylvia, boarding the craft. The UFO attacks a British Plane with a Electro-magnetic Pulse. The Scientists find out that The UFO is armed with Missiles filled with Rystad's Virus. The red shirt is killed by Cyborg Hitler. Sylvia Sacrifices herself to destroy the cockpit of the the saucer, Lucas and Paige Survive, but so does Cyborg Hitler, But Lucas infects Hitler with a vial of the Rystad Virus which in his death throes, makes Hitler throw himself into the ocean.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF THIS FILM!
One one hand, Gruesome horror superb make-up and for a change, the Asylum, famous for its rip-offs,worked on a original script,
However,those easily offended should give this a wide berth, If you can get over the shock value, You'll find the Asylum's other calling cards, Close-ups to thinly conceal actors reading idiot-cards, Rubbish CGI and twists as subtle as a punch in the face (Oh the doctor who was giving his crew a virus with a German surname is...EVIL!?!? GIVE ME A BREAK!)
In Summary this film could have being successful, if done by anyone else!
CREDITS
Nazis at the centre of the earth review was written, compiled and edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With clips from:
Nazi's at the centre of the Earth
Atop the fourth Wall
And Music:
Who Do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler? (Dad's Army theme)
I'm now a member of the TGWTG FORUM! My username is EnlightenedIrishman, drop me a line! I usually hang in the wrestling thread in the sport forums.
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