(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE....
Ever Since SatanicOstrich had left his thankless job as The Devil of my Universe, All Hell went loose...Literally! Without a Satan, All evil has leaked into Reality, the Only Solution?: Bring Ostrich back to Hell! Easy Right? WRONG! Since my Tussle with SatanicOstrich's forces at the 2nd 3 Tickets to Hell, I have a piece of Satanic Power lodged into my fist! It's handy cos now I can pull items from dvds as well as perform varieties of my signature Limit Break, The Hadou-kara Punch, a flameing punch to the guts, As well as teleportation. But off course there is a catch, too much negativity and I GO INSANE!)
(The Train to Hell screeched to a halt.)
Well....Here We are!
(Eamonn stepped into an ash covered street. He wiped a sign's bottom It read "STATE OF VIRGINIA")
Virginia? I thought this was Hell?
-It is. IT'S YOUR HELL!
(THE 9FT Avian stepped forward the clawed feet scraping the freshly snowed ash. He Wiped the top of the sign to reveal WELCOME TO SILENT HILL as on cue an air-raid siren bellowed overhead.)
AND NOW! THE FINAL CHAPTER OF THIS CURRENT STORYLINE AND OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
(This review's theme You're Not Here from Silent Hill 3)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZmMD84XpCs
So This is it! My fight to destroy Hell has become the fight to save it. Bookmarked by a review of silent Hill's trudge as a film franchise.
First a backstory for those who came in 2 years late...
Based on the Trouser browning Horror Game Series By Konami, The 1st movie took the entire mythos and backstory and threw it into a paper shredder, Turning it into a Fright-free Scooby-Doo episode where Radha Mitchell was chased by Papier Mache Pyramid Head back and forth before being hit with plot 10 minutes before the end credits.
AND THE PLOT WAS EVEN MORE STUPID!
As Rose's daughter was infact a piece of a dead girl killed by a stupid cult who believes that Artistic Skill is the mark of the devil!
So the cult sacrificed her to their god, who was prophesied to return. But even All-destroying Demons have standards and was angered by a child being sacrificed and Ran amuck, turning all the children into monsters and creating Freudian physical representations of fears and flaws. Oh and Sean Bean was also there!
So let's try to make sense of all this. This is Silent Hill revelation. And this is your TICKET TO HELL
We start in a nightmare sequence as a teenage girl is chased by clerics into a disturbing funfair. Between the dying goldfish &; haunted teddies, she hides on a merry-go-round manned by papier Machie Pyramid Head. On the ride that bursts into flames, are 2 Janitors changed like horses and Alessa dressed as the girl. as he sets the 2 pedophiles on fire, she warns her she can't be defeated and not to go to Silent Hill, before turning her flames onto her. She wakes as her Father (Bean) consols her...Only to be stabbed gruesomely by a Janitor!...Only that was a dream too!
Okay 5 minutes in and this is far more scarier than the first film in it's entirety...Good Job!
That morning we are told that Heather (Adelaide Clemens) was Sharon, Rose and Christopher's daughter who was kidnapped in the first film, and the part of Alessa, the sacrificed girl who was separated by the Reaper to live, Christopher, now called Harry have being moving from place to place to avoid the Order.
But what about Rose I hear you ask? From what I could gather from the ending in SH1, is that rose and Sharon escaped Silent hill, returned home but was still trapped in Otherworld. We are told that this is the case, As rose found a seal to escape but it was only small enough for a child.
But despite changing his name, Chris/Harry is still a Dick! Who tells Sharon that her mother died in an accident saving her, despite the girl holding the Missing piece of the seal the entire time, which Harry has kept for save keeping for 7 years where obviously the truth has since come out.
After meeting her class for the 1st time, we also meet Vincent Cooper who has also moved.
THIS'LL END WELL(!)
In the hallway, Heather has a flashback to Alessa's horrible childhood namely all the back-water Hillbilly children accusing her of being a witch...because she can draw well!
And no, I'm not going to get over how fucking stupid that is!
Then Sharon is sent to otherworld where the Armless Man charges but bumping into Vincent brings her back to reality. Heather seems to be followed. At the same time Harry gets kidnapped.
Heather is to meet Harry at a burger pace for her birthday. There is also a children's birthday party for 2 twins called Heather and Alessa...This sends our heroine into another Mushroom samba where all the customers are eating bloody burgers! The Man following her calls her by her birth name and she runs in terror...into Silent Hill's Butcher.
The man is a Private investigator who was hired by the Order but has a change of heart. But he's killed by...Voldo from Soul Caliber? What?
Hours pass and police find the P.I'S Body and Heather's coat, so they believe she is a suspect. She bumps into Vincent on the train home. Vincent tells her about his Crazy grandfather including the famous "they look like monsters to you?" line as a piece of foreshadowing.
Heather and Vincent return to her street where she finds that the Order has kidnapped him. A concerned Vincent heard her scream before he left. So both go through the keepsake box where Heather finds her real birthday present: A Pistol. As well as the seal she held when she escaped 7 years ago. The Police raid the house, but by now the teenagers have left the house on a rescue mission.
Stopping at a seedy motel, Heather has a nightmare of Alessa bringing decay to Silent hill. Vincent tells her not go as it's a trap, but Heather says she is sick of running. And if Alessa truly wanted a piece of her to live, she would have left her alone. Convinced that Heather is pure of heart, Vincent confesses that he is a child of the Order, he escaped by having the seal carved onto his chest by the new Order leader, his mother, Claudia(Carrie-Ann Moss). He was sent to coerce Heather to the order's teachings, but instead wants to help. Before he is kidnapped by Voldo, he states that the other seal belongs to his granddad, the dangerous Leonard Wolfe, and the Order's is to make Alessa and Heather into 1 being again, regain control of the Reaper, break the curse that binds them only to Silent hill and spread their vile doctrine to the world!
So the bad guys actually have a plan. Good Job.
(Meanwhile, 80'S Lad and Joe-Jack was using a rebuild spy-droid that was "acquired" during last years digital uprising)
Didya find an'ting interesting?
DUUUUUDDDDE! THAT IS A BIG TEN-FOUR, Culchie-Dude!
(the screen shows a close-up shot of a Nurse's chest.)
Which button is da close-up?
-don't touch the control!
-Ya Have ya Shite! Gimme that comptrolla!
(The spy droid bumped into the Nurse, who promptly smashed it with her Claw hammer)
NO SIGNAL.
TRANSMISSION ENDED.
RESUMING PROGRAMMING IN 1/5/14
Friday, April 18, 2014
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
THE CRAP FILMS OF DREW BARRYMORE: EAMONN REVIEWS 50 FIRST DATES
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
Nearly 2 years ago, Eamonn embarrassed SatanicOstrich so much he summoned a ringer from an Alternative Universe, Master Control who almost succeeded. This knock to the devil's confidence made him leave his job as king of the underworld...with devastating results! Hell, as well as fiction, is bleeding into reality. On the way to send ostrich back, Eamonn has stopped the express train to hell at a mountain range, Where a mysterious question etched in it, is slowly translating into English.)
( Eamonn looks out the window at the sacred mountain, Monks and devotees who seemingly worship the words, are total disarray many committing suicide as the words didn't mean anything about the meaning of life, It only meant something to Eamonn.)
You knew what the question was didn't you? You planted a portal here to open when someone who had my powers was in your company, didn't you?
So what is the question?
"Say do you know what time it is?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSweDq_x5p8
Yes for the first time in 2 years, It's Happy Hour again! Where we trudge waist-high into everyone's Pill-popping Boozehound back catalogue of cack.
Another actor not having much success at the moment is Adam Sandler, Whose recent films, Jack and Jill and That's My Boy, are considered by many critics to be the worst films of 2012 and 2013.
And while both actors have huge turkeys under their belts, This...is not 1 of them! Okay I will make jokes here and there but nothing extreme like the What montage in Horrid Henry.
We start with a montage of women (And Adam Sandler's Fat Man-Bitch, Kevin James) all telling their collective stories on a holiday romance with Hawaiian commit-phobe, Henry Roth (Sandler), who we cut to telling the latest bit-of-stuff that he's a secret agent.
Henry is in fact a vet at SeaWorld, treating a shark bite on a Hobo played by, you guessed it- Sandler's original Man-Bitch, Rob Schiender, who with his Hawaiian accent and Long hair, has turned into Tommy Wiseau.
After taunting the fact that one day Henry'll Settle down, He's called to save a walrus, but long story short, It an elaborate prank on a co-worker for revenge for an eaten sandwich.
Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen, A womanizer who uses animals to deal revenge for petty grudges that'll only escalate further.
Out Sailing, his ship's mast breaks like a matchstick, so he moors his boat at Oahu, While at a diner to kill time, he's drawn to a girl who seems to draw attention to herself called Lucy (Barrymore)
The next day Henry returns to the diner and chats up the quirky Art teacher. The Diner staff becomes protective of Lucy all of a sudden.
While playing golf with Ula (Schiender), Lucy turns up and blows him, but infact he knocked himself out, His sexy dream is enough to convince him not to return as falling for a local girl will cramp his style, But on a date with a tourist, he can't stop thinking of Lucy.
The Next Day Henry Learns the truth about Lucy: After a Car accident, Lucy is suffering from Short-Term Memory Loss. At the time of the accident, wouldn't It Be Nice? by the Beach Boys was playing on the radio. The song is used to donate plot-points.
So Drew Barrymore wakes up not knowing what happens the night before?
Sometimes you make it too easy!
The entire Island has conspired to Maintain the Lie that it's still October 30th 2001. Despite the fact that living on a Tourism-Dependent island, New Buildings, new people and off-course change in weather, even on Tropical Hawaii, could have raised question. But no, we are made to believe that Her father has a surplus of newspapers of the day of the accident and never once has Lucy ever watched any news programs to confirm the date. What's more heart breaking is having to paint over her artwork that she does in an attempt to cure her, Sadly she paints the same thing so it's not working.
Back in Honolulu, Robbie Wiseau, type-casted as moral less Sleazeball says Henry should go for it with Lucy, since she has a short-term memory, He can live the dream a long term, commitment free relationship. And besides Henry is leaving for Alaska it's not like he'll develop feeling for her(?)
In the next couple of days, Henry tries to re-chat-up Lucy with ridiculous lines but gets shot down every time. Until it works but doesn't give Lucy his number, this upsets Lucy and her family tells him not to go to café ever again.
Instead Henry sees her in a montage of car-stopping scenarios. Until the family finds out and tells him to come to his house.
Rather than Kicking his ass, he shows Henry That Lucy is painting a new picture singing Wouldn't It Be Nice?, so he lets Henry see her, but is not too sure on his full intentions, but if it can get his daughter cured, then why not?
Henry is now let in on the Masquerade, and good thing too, as a cop is writing Lucy a ticket for not having this year's tax. Lucy protests and taking a passerby's Newspaper to confirm the date backfires. At home, Lucy is told everything when given a scrapbook, seeing the metal plate makes her feel it as she cries in pain.
Going to the institute, We have a cameo by Dan Ackroyd as Lucy's Doctor who only serves to introduce 10-second Tom, the living Whose On First? Gag.
Henry proposes to think of another way, and that way is too SHOCK A VUNERABLE WOMAN WITH A GRAPHIC VIDEO OF HER ACCIDENT!!!...then follow it up with Henry wisecracking with Ula in Drag dressed as Lucy.
Somehow it works and it convinces her family to let her live as normal, day-to-day life, as every night they hit it off, and they take it to the next level having sex in the aquarium, As Ula nearly drown to caught a peek.
Of course, this doesn't end well when they stay the night and the next morning she wakes up screaming rape!
After watching the tape, Lucy overhears Henry's plan to go to Alaska. Despite Ula's bumbling, the ship is fixed, but Henry decides that Lucy is more important.
At work, Lucy tells Henry that she is ashamed of holding back a man who will always be a stranger, so he is breaking up with him.
Oh, The Irony Is Delicious!
So Henry sets sail, but not before her father tells Henry that Lucy is now a Patient at the Brain Trauma Centre, Listening to his gift of a beach Boy cd, he realizes that somewhere she may remember him, He finds her completely regressed but making an entire gallery of His portrait, and leaves with him. And so the film ends 10 years later into the future as Lucy wakes on the ship in Alaska, married to Henry with a daughter with her father on his crew.
THIS FILM....Doesn't suck!
Okay the structure of this film is off, no twists or antagonists, but it still works. Hawaii is a great choice as the backdrop, with it's jungles, beaches and Friendly people it makes it look like a Sugar Bowl where nothing bad happens. The Supporting Cast were great, even if they were spearheaded by Man-Bitch, most of funnier lines came from the extras, Sandler didn't rely no much on grossness to get a laugh and Barrymore kept the "quirkiness" to a minimum. Even the Trained animals were cute, showing anyone who read Zookeeper last month, that films with animal actors can work.
In closing, 50 1ST DATES:An enjoyable session of suspened Disbelief.
CREDITS
50 1ST Dates was Reviewed, edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music from:
Happy hour again by the Housemartins
50 1st dates is produced by Columbia pictures.
All Rights Reserved.
Follow me on Twitter @saveusPOE
NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE: THE FINAL CHAPTER OF THE INFERNAL LODGER STORYLINE. BY YOU'VE WORKED OUT WHAT IT IS, BUT IF YOU HAVEN'T CLICK BELOW
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMWrZmD0AN4
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Joe-Jack Reviews Zookeeper
(Since Joe-Jack is reviewing this month, as Poetic License, all spelling mistakes are intentional.)
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
Well, the fact that nothing happened after Eamonn Finished Horrid Henry is a small glimmer of Hope, That by bringing SatanicOstrich Back to hell, it will stop it colliding with Earth. So Eamonn told Joe-jack and 80's Lad to clear a path to the Train station so Ostrich could contact the Conductor so a train to hell could be sent.
....Or, At least that was the plan!)
(We open to Joe-Jack in his house eating breakfast, while outside, Hell has amassed an army.
DUDE! You think we should, like, Help Eamonn?
-FUCK'EM! It'z coz a him, da supportin' wall ov me sit room iz all broke up in shite!(See Hallowe'en special 2013-Eamonn) Besides its not dat bad!
(Eighties lad turned on the tv. A news reported showed Vikings, Huns and Nazis flooding out the Abyss. Death row convicts rising from body bags as demons, Children chasing away one creature only to run the other way, chased by Jimmy Saville!
What else is on?
(80's Lad shot him a look!)
Ah alright, Oi'll review sumpting
AND NOW, DA REAL FILM CRICKET!
(This months theme-From the soundtrack-Boston More than a feeling
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSR6ZzjDZ94
Should tv actahs be fillium actahs? Da short answah is Ya, Coz dere actahs! Dey use the same techneeks and connect wif da same audense.
On Da other hand, Kevin James, aka Adam Sandler's Fat Man-Bitch In ZooKeepah!
We Open on a Sandy beach as a horseback couple ride at sunset. Griffin (James) proposes to his girlfriend, Staphanie splits up with him because he is a zookeeper and dey don't make much money, despite the chain of lavish gifts that back fire.
5 Years Latah, A still Fat, still ugly Griffin, but with a far more flattering haircut, tries to make a gorilla suit happy by fixing a tyre swing but falls on his ass.
PRATFALL COUNTER:1
So Griffin and his new girlfriend save a lioness, choking on a can of Red bull, but not before she reveals to have a job application to go to "Nairobi, Africa"
Hey good ting ya saidz Africa, I thoughtz ya meant da Nairobi down da fecking street, so Oi did!
And not before a pratfall
PRATFALL COUNTER:2
Dat Night it's revealed that Griffins Parents were bought famous and very wealthy zoologists as the Zoo plays host to his brother, Dave, a car salesman, wedding reception. Griffin holdin' a porcupine, Spies his ex-girlfriend, who obviously has heard about Griff's new forturne, Getting flustered, the porcupine shoots it's quills while all around, the animals perk their ears and listen.
When all da humans leave, the animals plot t'help Griffin but agree not reveal dat dey can talk.
Dere plan iz to fake an animal attack on Stephanie, But Griff's Heroic Entry comes up short
PRATFALL COUNTER:3
Angry, the animals break their own oath, revealing they can talk, naturally Griffin puts it down to stress, But when the Lion threatens Him, he runs into an Iron bar.
PRATFALL COUNTER:4
So da animals phottoshopped into a circle (some don't even have shadows to convince us that it's real!) Tell Griffin to win Stephanie back (as animals don't seem to understand human relationships) They will give him relationship advice. The animals in question? Bears, Lions, Wolves, Apes, Elephants and Giraffes)
So Griffy-Boy Will impress Da Ladies by:
Turns out t'be quite tame, first the bears teaches him a confident walk, wif da runnin' joke being gettin' caught by zoo visitahs every tiome!
Bernie Da gorilla tells Griffin dat he is cruelly looked aftah by Shane. But Nevah mind Dat, Letz have a wolf teach Kevin James how to piss! Now you would tink no-one would tak' the advice of Pissing to attract a female, But we see him the next scene, Pissin' in a bush, in a four star hotel no less!
So as he goes up to Stephanie, dis being an Adam Sandler or his Man-bitches rom-com, enter Unlikable Elitist Prick in Gale, a body-obsessed athlete. It's obvious Dat Steph is playin' 1 again' d'other, but Jaysus, Isn't our hero da 1 takin' advice from animals?
So Griff is late for a bike outin'. Da only bike left is a Big-Wheel, So he uses it in an attempt to impress Steph.
I bet dis ends in a prat-fall.
Course I'm right!
PRATFALL COUNTER:5
But Steph, being a 2 timin' whore is back with Gale.
So the Lioness says to make Steph Jealous, go with someone else, So he asks Kate out, It's also the Gorilla's Birthday so Griffin Tak's him out to a Rest-Your-Aunt.
It's da night of da weddin' An' Mister-Know-It-All Gale invites steph to dance to what was Griffs and stephs "our" song. Offended, Griffin ropes kate onto the dance floor, so they do a "curtain dance" with Griffin. Endin' with Griffin swingin' out of control and knocking down his brother's bride
PRATFALL COUNTER: 7
So the animals next plan is have Griff insult and compliment Steph in equal measure. It works, But not before it became obvious that She's after his money and Kate has fallen for Griffin.
So Griffin has sold out, and Became a car salesman, with Steph spending his inheritance left and right. Griff Later has second thoughts and Stands up Steph exactly like she did 5 yar ago. He leaves to confess his love to Kate but she leaves fer Africa tonight.
So Chase scene, Love Confession, Tired Be Yourself Moral and we are Done.
Zookeepah is bad, but compared to what we reviewed dis Year, Not without it's moments. It's a weak premise, that's being done before and whole lot better.
CREDITZ
Zookeepah woz reviewed be JOE-JACK AND ONLY JOE-JACK!
Wif music from
Boston-more dan a feeelin'
Film was made be Columbia Pictures, All rightz reserved so Don't sue me fer saying ya film woz shite!
Follah dat Know-It-all Townie Eamonn on dat Twitbook @saveusPOE
NEXT WEEK: DA CRAP FILLIUMS OV DREW BARRYMORE: 50 FIRST DATES.
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
Well, the fact that nothing happened after Eamonn Finished Horrid Henry is a small glimmer of Hope, That by bringing SatanicOstrich Back to hell, it will stop it colliding with Earth. So Eamonn told Joe-jack and 80's Lad to clear a path to the Train station so Ostrich could contact the Conductor so a train to hell could be sent.
....Or, At least that was the plan!)
(We open to Joe-Jack in his house eating breakfast, while outside, Hell has amassed an army.
DUDE! You think we should, like, Help Eamonn?
-FUCK'EM! It'z coz a him, da supportin' wall ov me sit room iz all broke up in shite!(See Hallowe'en special 2013-Eamonn) Besides its not dat bad!
(Eighties lad turned on the tv. A news reported showed Vikings, Huns and Nazis flooding out the Abyss. Death row convicts rising from body bags as demons, Children chasing away one creature only to run the other way, chased by Jimmy Saville!
What else is on?
(80's Lad shot him a look!)
Ah alright, Oi'll review sumpting
AND NOW, DA REAL FILM CRICKET!
(This months theme-From the soundtrack-Boston More than a feeling
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSR6ZzjDZ94
Should tv actahs be fillium actahs? Da short answah is Ya, Coz dere actahs! Dey use the same techneeks and connect wif da same audense.
On Da other hand, Kevin James, aka Adam Sandler's Fat Man-Bitch In ZooKeepah!
We Open on a Sandy beach as a horseback couple ride at sunset. Griffin (James) proposes to his girlfriend, Staphanie splits up with him because he is a zookeeper and dey don't make much money, despite the chain of lavish gifts that back fire.
5 Years Latah, A still Fat, still ugly Griffin, but with a far more flattering haircut, tries to make a gorilla suit happy by fixing a tyre swing but falls on his ass.
PRATFALL COUNTER:1
So Griffin and his new girlfriend save a lioness, choking on a can of Red bull, but not before she reveals to have a job application to go to "Nairobi, Africa"
Hey good ting ya saidz Africa, I thoughtz ya meant da Nairobi down da fecking street, so Oi did!
And not before a pratfall
PRATFALL COUNTER:2
Dat Night it's revealed that Griffins Parents were bought famous and very wealthy zoologists as the Zoo plays host to his brother, Dave, a car salesman, wedding reception. Griffin holdin' a porcupine, Spies his ex-girlfriend, who obviously has heard about Griff's new forturne, Getting flustered, the porcupine shoots it's quills while all around, the animals perk their ears and listen.
When all da humans leave, the animals plot t'help Griffin but agree not reveal dat dey can talk.
Dere plan iz to fake an animal attack on Stephanie, But Griff's Heroic Entry comes up short
PRATFALL COUNTER:3
Angry, the animals break their own oath, revealing they can talk, naturally Griffin puts it down to stress, But when the Lion threatens Him, he runs into an Iron bar.
PRATFALL COUNTER:4
So da animals phottoshopped into a circle (some don't even have shadows to convince us that it's real!) Tell Griffin to win Stephanie back (as animals don't seem to understand human relationships) They will give him relationship advice. The animals in question? Bears, Lions, Wolves, Apes, Elephants and Giraffes)
So Griffy-Boy Will impress Da Ladies by:
- Wrestlin' Love Rivals (bears)
- Killin' her kids to get her in heat (lions)
- Threaten Love Rivals intah performin' acts of Homosexuality on him. (Apes, especially Chimps)
- And show fitness by pissin' and pooin' in front of her! (Giraffes the former, elephants the latter)
Turns out t'be quite tame, first the bears teaches him a confident walk, wif da runnin' joke being gettin' caught by zoo visitahs every tiome!
Bernie Da gorilla tells Griffin dat he is cruelly looked aftah by Shane. But Nevah mind Dat, Letz have a wolf teach Kevin James how to piss! Now you would tink no-one would tak' the advice of Pissing to attract a female, But we see him the next scene, Pissin' in a bush, in a four star hotel no less!
So as he goes up to Stephanie, dis being an Adam Sandler or his Man-bitches rom-com, enter Unlikable Elitist Prick in Gale, a body-obsessed athlete. It's obvious Dat Steph is playin' 1 again' d'other, but Jaysus, Isn't our hero da 1 takin' advice from animals?
So Griff is late for a bike outin'. Da only bike left is a Big-Wheel, So he uses it in an attempt to impress Steph.
I bet dis ends in a prat-fall.
Course I'm right!
PRATFALL COUNTER:5
But Steph, being a 2 timin' whore is back with Gale.
So the Lioness says to make Steph Jealous, go with someone else, So he asks Kate out, It's also the Gorilla's Birthday so Griffin Tak's him out to a Rest-Your-Aunt.
It's da night of da weddin' An' Mister-Know-It-All Gale invites steph to dance to what was Griffs and stephs "our" song. Offended, Griffin ropes kate onto the dance floor, so they do a "curtain dance" with Griffin. Endin' with Griffin swingin' out of control and knocking down his brother's bride
PRATFALL COUNTER: 7
So the animals next plan is have Griff insult and compliment Steph in equal measure. It works, But not before it became obvious that She's after his money and Kate has fallen for Griffin.
So Griffin has sold out, and Became a car salesman, with Steph spending his inheritance left and right. Griff Later has second thoughts and Stands up Steph exactly like she did 5 yar ago. He leaves to confess his love to Kate but she leaves fer Africa tonight.
So Chase scene, Love Confession, Tired Be Yourself Moral and we are Done.
Zookeepah is bad, but compared to what we reviewed dis Year, Not without it's moments. It's a weak premise, that's being done before and whole lot better.
CREDITZ
Zookeepah woz reviewed be JOE-JACK AND ONLY JOE-JACK!
Wif music from
Boston-more dan a feeelin'
Film was made be Columbia Pictures, All rightz reserved so Don't sue me fer saying ya film woz shite!
Follah dat Know-It-all Townie Eamonn on dat Twitbook @saveusPOE
NEXT WEEK: DA CRAP FILLIUMS OV DREW BARRYMORE: 50 FIRST DATES.
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Eamonn Reviews Horrid Henry Part 2,blood!
(Before I go on, there's a lot of references that lots of Americans and others won't get so here's some notes
So his plan is to pay off the inspectors so Ashton Park can be closed down and people would pay money for his exclusive Institute, Despite the fact he'll only make a small bit of money, as we will get to later. His Plan to get Ashton Park to close? Booby trap the class he doesn't belong in...brilliant!
Turns out to be a Batman Gambit, with Headmistress Oddbod busy and Soggy Sid, the P.E. Teacher, not being an actual teacher (you're not P.E. Teachers of the world, get over it!), The only other teacher is this giant shed with windows called ashton Park is the kindergarten teacher miss Lovely. so the older children must sit with boys who might as well be the children who failed the audition for the part of Perfect peter. The Inspectors Plant a pot of goo in Henry's Bag. when Henry and Margaret tussle over the bag because... why not? they need to move the story along, the Jar flies out, unscrews it's lid. and it the time it took for anyone with common sense to get out of the way, it lands on the hapless teacher.
Upset, Lovely quits her job. And rather than say expelling the suspected little shit, Oddbod Bans Harry Chav and the Chavtones from the Battle Of the bands.
And it doesn't end. The torture that is. As we are introduced to more of Henry's extended family, Rich Aunt Rita, Her daughter Prissy Polly (Played by Kimberly Walsh), her baby daughter Vomiting Vera and Rita's son, Stuck-up Stephen.
But Listening to his voice, he should be called Camp Cameron or Takesitupthe Jacksie! The ponce takes over the TV, As Henry is not let to watch a PLOT POINT! game show in favour of a Stock Market show for kids.
OKAY TIME OUT!
I Know this is not based on reality, but what is the point of having this? Are you making a point that some children grow up too soon? Are you saying that Upper class children are weaned to be successful at a young age? Or Am I right in saying you just did this to make another unlikable character? The only character that is likable so-far is Miss Battleaxe and she was wrongly fired for trying doing her job!
After Dad eats a vommed on sandwich, Rita tells Mum that Brick House, The Evil Expensive School Of Evil, has an Open day and free scholarship for Ashton's Brightest, athletic or musically gifted children.
Well Henry is fucked.
Or need I remind you of his "singing"
Next scene and Dad gets a phone call from his Great Aunt Gretta, who's convinced Henry is a girl, has solved his schooling problem:
ENROLL "HENRIETTA" INTO AN ALL GIRL SCHOOL!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bzB2N9xnJk
Do you honestly not live in the real world, Francesca Simon? I think the school would have sent a representative to their home address to get their details, not only where they live, but as a background check of the new student, And that means that Van Wrinkles' plan to monopolises the entire school system in Ashton, has already failed as St Giddiantus is a more reputable school, is also in town, Why didn't he destroy the reputation of this school and get the money from the parents of these Posh children and solely start on the 2-room shed full of Chavs and Ill Children?
THAT'S IT I'M HAVING A BREAKDOWN!
CUE THE BREAKDOWN NATIONAL ANTHEM!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btEpF334Rtc
So without even consoling a single teacher, staff member, or reasonable adult, An abandoned Henry and Margaret are chased out of GiddiAuntus, but not before Henry hallucinates a silhouette of Battleaxe who chastises him for being an idiot!
Yeah, Henry, you should stop usin' dat M-CAT, INNIT?
To escape, Margaret dresses Henry in a pinafore and a stack of coats and hats.
PLOT POINT!
After Henry escapes the only place with people with accents posher than his, Peter arrives at Brick House and is happy to see Ms Lovely is the newly appointed Junior Teacher, whom Peter fancies.
NERD!
At the open day steve introduces Britain's got Talent Rejects to shave worthless screen-time as a boy does soccor skills. And Peter sings Frere Jacques in a Country Western Style. The more impatient of you would ask "why are you telling me this?", It's a distraction while Lovely investigates why she saw the inspectors. Van Wrinkle finds Lovely and Kidnaps her
So the Purple Hand (Rared)s Try to think of a plan (Yeah, play to your strengths!)
In the end they decide to get back into the talent contest to win the money to save the school. (Again play to your strengths)
So using the Giddiantus coats and hats that Margaret stole, Harry Chav and Chavtones win the talent show (how?) to no avail, Ashton Park is still closing down.
If only there was a hastily written, badly paced finale, that tries to use long forgotten plot-points to resolve the story!
How about being invited to a Game show Hosted by Prick and Gom? As the Real life children's tv hosts Rub and Gyrate on each other and calls each other "dearie" and "Duckie" (Plus I find it ironic that film based on a CITV cartoon has CBBC Presenters in it.)
So let's finish this once and for all!
Henry solves Maths problems, has his hamster eat a bowl of vegetable stew, Peter and his best boys are captured by Van Wrinkle, Henry uses his Magnetic yoyo to escape Asylumesque CGI Vomit, Finally spells Homework in front of Battle-Axe, Lovely tricks Vic into confessing into a mobile, Henry wins the cash prize, Battleaxe reveals she won the gameshow also (as evidenced by the broach she picked up earlier.) But with Ashton Park saved, Henry has only 1 thing he wants to use the money on, as the credits reveals he has emancipated from his parents to live in a mansion.
So he's rich and stupid, except with his 4th class education, FAR much smarter than any of the KarTRASHians!
THIS FILM SUCKS!
So the Horrid Henry books may have sold as many as Potter, but don't expect 9 sequels! An Audience demeaning script, coupled with a universe with no nods to reality, Terrible Acting, Worse Singing, Hateable characters, especially the adults. I was shocked that Lotto Money went into paying for this Bank Holiday Bull Plop! Money, that could have being used to save some one's life! Instead used on a child in a curly wig singing Frere Jacques in a country western style!
In Short: Horrid Henry: IT'S SHITE!
PURE 100% UNMITIGATED SHITE!
CREDITS
Horrid Henry: the Movie was Reviewed, edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With clips from:
In Part 1
Horrid Henry
and in Part 2
WWE RAW
WWE SMACKDOWN
And Music
"Combine Harvester" by the Wurzels
Horrid Henry is property of Novelle Entertainment
All clips belong to their respective owners.
All Rights Reserved.
Follow me on twitter @saveusPOE
NEXT MONTH: ZOOKEEPER
- St Giddiantus is a Corruption to the exclamation "oh, my giddy aunt". I use a similar word. "FUCK!"
- 2 cool 4 School is probably a reference to Knightmare, which is why a super-hard children's game show is not surprising. but no-one is stupid enough to give children cash money, the actual prize on Knightmare was a silver ornament.
- Prick N' Gom is my name for Dick and Dom. Richard McCourt and Dominic Wood are Britain's second best Double act. They're the guys you get if you can't afford Ant N' Dec, but don't wan't to cheapen values by getting Sam and Mark. They are so camp towards each other, and keep their personal lives to themselves, which is fine, but it hasn't stop slashficcers!
- A Gom is yet another Irish word for an idiot! Eskimos have 50 words for snow, we have that many for an idiot!)
So his plan is to pay off the inspectors so Ashton Park can be closed down and people would pay money for his exclusive Institute, Despite the fact he'll only make a small bit of money, as we will get to later. His Plan to get Ashton Park to close? Booby trap the class he doesn't belong in...brilliant!
Turns out to be a Batman Gambit, with Headmistress Oddbod busy and Soggy Sid, the P.E. Teacher, not being an actual teacher (you're not P.E. Teachers of the world, get over it!), The only other teacher is this giant shed with windows called ashton Park is the kindergarten teacher miss Lovely. so the older children must sit with boys who might as well be the children who failed the audition for the part of Perfect peter. The Inspectors Plant a pot of goo in Henry's Bag. when Henry and Margaret tussle over the bag because... why not? they need to move the story along, the Jar flies out, unscrews it's lid. and it the time it took for anyone with common sense to get out of the way, it lands on the hapless teacher.
Upset, Lovely quits her job. And rather than say expelling the suspected little shit, Oddbod Bans Harry Chav and the Chavtones from the Battle Of the bands.
And it doesn't end. The torture that is. As we are introduced to more of Henry's extended family, Rich Aunt Rita, Her daughter Prissy Polly (Played by Kimberly Walsh), her baby daughter Vomiting Vera and Rita's son, Stuck-up Stephen.
But Listening to his voice, he should be called Camp Cameron or Takesitupthe Jacksie! The ponce takes over the TV, As Henry is not let to watch a PLOT POINT! game show in favour of a Stock Market show for kids.
OKAY TIME OUT!
I Know this is not based on reality, but what is the point of having this? Are you making a point that some children grow up too soon? Are you saying that Upper class children are weaned to be successful at a young age? Or Am I right in saying you just did this to make another unlikable character? The only character that is likable so-far is Miss Battleaxe and she was wrongly fired for trying doing her job!
After Dad eats a vommed on sandwich, Rita tells Mum that Brick House, The Evil Expensive School Of Evil, has an Open day and free scholarship for Ashton's Brightest, athletic or musically gifted children.
Well Henry is fucked.
Or need I remind you of his "singing"
Next scene and Dad gets a phone call from his Great Aunt Gretta, who's convinced Henry is a girl, has solved his schooling problem:
ENROLL "HENRIETTA" INTO AN ALL GIRL SCHOOL!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bzB2N9xnJk
Do you honestly not live in the real world, Francesca Simon? I think the school would have sent a representative to their home address to get their details, not only where they live, but as a background check of the new student, And that means that Van Wrinkles' plan to monopolises the entire school system in Ashton, has already failed as St Giddiantus is a more reputable school, is also in town, Why didn't he destroy the reputation of this school and get the money from the parents of these Posh children and solely start on the 2-room shed full of Chavs and Ill Children?
THAT'S IT I'M HAVING A BREAKDOWN!
CUE THE BREAKDOWN NATIONAL ANTHEM!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btEpF334Rtc
So without even consoling a single teacher, staff member, or reasonable adult, An abandoned Henry and Margaret are chased out of GiddiAuntus, but not before Henry hallucinates a silhouette of Battleaxe who chastises him for being an idiot!
Yeah, Henry, you should stop usin' dat M-CAT, INNIT?
To escape, Margaret dresses Henry in a pinafore and a stack of coats and hats.
PLOT POINT!
After Henry escapes the only place with people with accents posher than his, Peter arrives at Brick House and is happy to see Ms Lovely is the newly appointed Junior Teacher, whom Peter fancies.
NERD!
At the open day steve introduces Britain's got Talent Rejects to shave worthless screen-time as a boy does soccor skills. And Peter sings Frere Jacques in a Country Western Style. The more impatient of you would ask "why are you telling me this?", It's a distraction while Lovely investigates why she saw the inspectors. Van Wrinkle finds Lovely and Kidnaps her
So the Purple Hand (Rared)s Try to think of a plan (Yeah, play to your strengths!)
In the end they decide to get back into the talent contest to win the money to save the school. (Again play to your strengths)
So using the Giddiantus coats and hats that Margaret stole, Harry Chav and Chavtones win the talent show (how?) to no avail, Ashton Park is still closing down.
If only there was a hastily written, badly paced finale, that tries to use long forgotten plot-points to resolve the story!
How about being invited to a Game show Hosted by Prick and Gom? As the Real life children's tv hosts Rub and Gyrate on each other and calls each other "dearie" and "Duckie" (Plus I find it ironic that film based on a CITV cartoon has CBBC Presenters in it.)
So let's finish this once and for all!
Henry solves Maths problems, has his hamster eat a bowl of vegetable stew, Peter and his best boys are captured by Van Wrinkle, Henry uses his Magnetic yoyo to escape Asylumesque CGI Vomit, Finally spells Homework in front of Battle-Axe, Lovely tricks Vic into confessing into a mobile, Henry wins the cash prize, Battleaxe reveals she won the gameshow also (as evidenced by the broach she picked up earlier.) But with Ashton Park saved, Henry has only 1 thing he wants to use the money on, as the credits reveals he has emancipated from his parents to live in a mansion.
So he's rich and stupid, except with his 4th class education, FAR much smarter than any of the KarTRASHians!
THIS FILM SUCKS!
So the Horrid Henry books may have sold as many as Potter, but don't expect 9 sequels! An Audience demeaning script, coupled with a universe with no nods to reality, Terrible Acting, Worse Singing, Hateable characters, especially the adults. I was shocked that Lotto Money went into paying for this Bank Holiday Bull Plop! Money, that could have being used to save some one's life! Instead used on a child in a curly wig singing Frere Jacques in a country western style!
In Short: Horrid Henry: IT'S SHITE!
PURE 100% UNMITIGATED SHITE!
CREDITS
Horrid Henry: the Movie was Reviewed, edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With clips from:
In Part 1
Horrid Henry
and in Part 2
WWE RAW
WWE SMACKDOWN
And Music
"Combine Harvester" by the Wurzels
Horrid Henry is property of Novelle Entertainment
All clips belong to their respective owners.
All Rights Reserved.
Follow me on twitter @saveusPOE
NEXT MONTH: ZOOKEEPER
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Eamonn reviews Horrid Henry Part 1, Innit?
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
Unfortunately for the Human Race, Last months review of Norbit only serve to Strengthen The SatanicEamonn, Born out of then scrap of Satanic Power in his fist, But just as it seemed like all was lost, Joe-jack produced the Power Diamonds (See Magic Roundabout review, March 2013-Editor) out of storage. The 3 gemstones that boast unfathomable capabilities, Excorised the Satanic out of Eamonn, but the cunning creature teleported into a Dvd. Freed form this Malefice, but with Diminished powers, Eamonn concluded with Joe-Jack and 80's Lad that SatanicOstrich must return to his thankless job as Lord of the dahmed,)
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
(SIGH)
Well, if you thought that I should Affirm cause and effect by reviewing something good and stop the Earth colliding with Hell, I hate to disappoint but here's a review of film I mentioned in my Thunderpants review as being shite.
But before I go on, I am Aware that more International readers are turning up since I joined TGWTG, So some British things will be completely lost in translation. I'll be doing this for part 2, when Plot-points like this turn up there.
First some background on the source material.
Despite not as famous as Potter worldwide, The Horrid Henry Books had made their author Francesca Simon the second richest children's Writer in Britain today...
...Because her books are Dirt cheap!
Horrid Henry books are not sold in bookshops in town centres, they are sold in supermarkets, grocers and newsagents and petrol stations. The only people buying Horrid Henry books are Chav parents who throw this pulp fiction at their kids when they are failing badly at the school.
But What about the books themselves what are they like, Well I can only describe them as "Just William for the Modern Age...If William happens to be 1 of those kids on Beyond Scared Straight!
But enough Stalling, Let's Dig into a Waste of the British Lottery's Prize Money and mourn the corrupted minds of youth, This is Horrid Henry, innit?
We start in An Imagination Spot as the eponymous Henry (Theo Stephenson) is spying on the girl's Club members, Singing Soraya, Sour Susan and Moody Margaret.
I must Point out that every character here shares Alliteration made of character Trait/Flaw + Middle class Name. so Henry uses his magnetic Yoyo to steal a box of Hobblers biscuits. As he starts to enjoy his mother shout at him to do his homework, Nice convincing wig by the way(!)
So Henry and his annoying RP voice, Just the accent you'd expect from the saviour of Literacy(!) introduces us to his homelife, His Classically trained musician brother Perfect Peter, the apple of his useless Blame-shifting parents eyes. But Henry has dreams of Musical Grandeur Too. He dreams of becoming a rockstar, by bursting into a Middle Class Rap!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWfHmYBKCdY
FAST FORWARD BUTTON!
After his parents destroy his homework copy, Henry introduces us to friends, the equally chavvy Rude Ralph, the OCD-laden Aerobic Al, the uninspired name of Brainy Brian and the school idiot (which is really saying much, you'll know why In a minute!) Beefy Bert.
Beefy!
BERT!
I suppose Retarded Reginald would cut to close to the knuckle.
...Together with the Bi-polar Weepin' William they are the dreaded ...Purple Hand Gang.
(sniggers, then Bursts out laughing!)
Seriously Miz Simon, could you not think of a better name? All I can say is that the Ginyu Force, The teletubbies, Barney's Backyard Gang and even Binky Barnes could kick these guys asses!
So Henry gets detention for having no homework and for writing a fake excuse note. Ms Battleaxe, (Played by Angie Houston) makes Henry spell the word "work" out loud. When he gets it wrong, she gives him a Reason You Suck Speech about never doing any work, which is to why he can't spell it!
(sigh...0
I know your Heart is in the right place, Miss Battleaxe, but giving that these and including the younger children in Peter's class are the only children in this school, makes me think that this is, infact, 1 of those horrible Thachterite Free Schools I heard so much about. And besides, your class only intelligent student is hanging with 4 criminally able children, a retard, a boy with OCD, A girl who uncontrollably sings, a bipolar boy and a FRIKKING Narcoleptic, lovingly called "Lazy Linda". I think one of your students not being able to spell is the least of your problems!
And I'm Right! The headmistress Miss Oddbod (what horrible names-oh and played by Prunella Scales) tells Ms Battleaxe that the School Inspectors are visiting.
FORESHADOWING!
So after a cameo from Jo Brand, A poster in Oddbod's Office tell us that a battle of the bands is being held by Rock Wild Child (or "wild" in terms of this film, as All the music sound like McBusted!) Ed Banger, lead singer of Killer Boy Ratz (Played by Noel Fielding) on the exact day the inspectors come to visit.
I smell shenanigans! I also smell something else!
So Henry wants to enter his Autistic Spectrum Gang into the Talent Competition and Joy of Joys, I have to listen to Shephanson sing again!
So after a crappy song and defying the law of gravity for a matrix Pose, Oddbod gives him a telling off.
Speaking of Defying the Laws of Physics, after school Margaret and Henry ambush each other with Cartoon Physics, Disappearing behind lampposts and delaying drop rates and the like. This is why I called them,Ralph and Susan, "criminally able" as if they were smarter those powers would be put to murderous use!
It's also revealed that the little chavling has a pet...hamster.
Not a Staffy. or a pitbull. or even a parrot that says FUCK OFF! on command, no, a hamster which is good to know as it's a PLOT POINT!
After a song about being King, Perfect Peter narks on his brother.
AND THEN!
THIS HAPPENS!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I57SHJK1qNM
"Help me! I'm being attacked by things out of Jimmy's Head!"
The Next Day Margaret plans her revenge by using the tried and Failed bucket Prank. After miss battleaxe enters first as Henry was late, the Paint fell on her. Naturally the Fault shifts onto Henry who clearly must have feigned being drove by his dad and set up a trap that would not be tampered by any janitor or cleaning staff in the 8 hours that the school was closed. Did the creators actually go to a working class school or are the as stupid as the parents who buy the children the source material?
So Oddbod fires Battleaxe and for the first time in the 4 and a half pages of notes that made this review, Henry has a twinge of guilt. Opening a drawer, A broach picked up by Battleaxe makes her draw a Crafty smile.
The firing of Miss battleaxe is enough to be pit on the news and also introduces rival headmaster Vic Van Wrinkle (Richard E Grant)
Richard E grant is in this film, Do I have to tell you that this wonderful Ham is the Villain?
END OF PART 1.
What Evil plan does van wrinkle have for henry? what was the broach battleaxe picked up? And will the world actually end if Eamonn finishs this review? find out in part 2 in February. Only on bogger box office!
Unfortunately for the Human Race, Last months review of Norbit only serve to Strengthen The SatanicEamonn, Born out of then scrap of Satanic Power in his fist, But just as it seemed like all was lost, Joe-jack produced the Power Diamonds (See Magic Roundabout review, March 2013-Editor) out of storage. The 3 gemstones that boast unfathomable capabilities, Excorised the Satanic out of Eamonn, but the cunning creature teleported into a Dvd. Freed form this Malefice, but with Diminished powers, Eamonn concluded with Joe-Jack and 80's Lad that SatanicOstrich must return to his thankless job as Lord of the dahmed,)
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
(SIGH)
Well, if you thought that I should Affirm cause and effect by reviewing something good and stop the Earth colliding with Hell, I hate to disappoint but here's a review of film I mentioned in my Thunderpants review as being shite.
But before I go on, I am Aware that more International readers are turning up since I joined TGWTG, So some British things will be completely lost in translation. I'll be doing this for part 2, when Plot-points like this turn up there.
- A chav is a slang word for a youth or teenage criminal or at least an undesirable. In British Film they are satirically dressed in tracksuits, High end Runners, Gold Jewellery and will probably wear 1 garment that has the Burberry tartan.
- RP (Received Pronunciation) is the accent many think of when they think of English. it's also known as Queen's English, That posh accent to many people.
- Hobblers may refer to Hob-Nobs, a brand of oat biscuits. They never came In metal tins, however!
- The Conservative Party's Free school scheme came into scrutiny at time of writing, when it was revealed that the students of 1 school was not reaching the standard. But that's what happens when you hire Adults with free time, instead of actual teachers! 1 school was even ran by a Defrocked Priest, An Army Recruiter, A cult and the school lab was used in making meth!
- A"Staffy" is short for Staffordshire Terrier, the long forgotten breed became a stature piece in Chav Culture.
First some background on the source material.
Despite not as famous as Potter worldwide, The Horrid Henry Books had made their author Francesca Simon the second richest children's Writer in Britain today...
...Because her books are Dirt cheap!
Horrid Henry books are not sold in bookshops in town centres, they are sold in supermarkets, grocers and newsagents and petrol stations. The only people buying Horrid Henry books are Chav parents who throw this pulp fiction at their kids when they are failing badly at the school.
But What about the books themselves what are they like, Well I can only describe them as "Just William for the Modern Age...If William happens to be 1 of those kids on Beyond Scared Straight!
But enough Stalling, Let's Dig into a Waste of the British Lottery's Prize Money and mourn the corrupted minds of youth, This is Horrid Henry, innit?
We start in An Imagination Spot as the eponymous Henry (Theo Stephenson) is spying on the girl's Club members, Singing Soraya, Sour Susan and Moody Margaret.
I must Point out that every character here shares Alliteration made of character Trait/Flaw + Middle class Name. so Henry uses his magnetic Yoyo to steal a box of Hobblers biscuits. As he starts to enjoy his mother shout at him to do his homework, Nice convincing wig by the way(!)
So Henry and his annoying RP voice, Just the accent you'd expect from the saviour of Literacy(!) introduces us to his homelife, His Classically trained musician brother Perfect Peter, the apple of his useless Blame-shifting parents eyes. But Henry has dreams of Musical Grandeur Too. He dreams of becoming a rockstar, by bursting into a Middle Class Rap!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWfHmYBKCdY
FAST FORWARD BUTTON!
After his parents destroy his homework copy, Henry introduces us to friends, the equally chavvy Rude Ralph, the OCD-laden Aerobic Al, the uninspired name of Brainy Brian and the school idiot (which is really saying much, you'll know why In a minute!) Beefy Bert.
Beefy!
BERT!
I suppose Retarded Reginald would cut to close to the knuckle.
...Together with the Bi-polar Weepin' William they are the dreaded ...Purple Hand Gang.
(sniggers, then Bursts out laughing!)
Seriously Miz Simon, could you not think of a better name? All I can say is that the Ginyu Force, The teletubbies, Barney's Backyard Gang and even Binky Barnes could kick these guys asses!
So Henry gets detention for having no homework and for writing a fake excuse note. Ms Battleaxe, (Played by Angie Houston) makes Henry spell the word "work" out loud. When he gets it wrong, she gives him a Reason You Suck Speech about never doing any work, which is to why he can't spell it!
(sigh...0
I know your Heart is in the right place, Miss Battleaxe, but giving that these and including the younger children in Peter's class are the only children in this school, makes me think that this is, infact, 1 of those horrible Thachterite Free Schools I heard so much about. And besides, your class only intelligent student is hanging with 4 criminally able children, a retard, a boy with OCD, A girl who uncontrollably sings, a bipolar boy and a FRIKKING Narcoleptic, lovingly called "Lazy Linda". I think one of your students not being able to spell is the least of your problems!
And I'm Right! The headmistress Miss Oddbod (what horrible names-oh and played by Prunella Scales) tells Ms Battleaxe that the School Inspectors are visiting.
FORESHADOWING!
So after a cameo from Jo Brand, A poster in Oddbod's Office tell us that a battle of the bands is being held by Rock Wild Child (or "wild" in terms of this film, as All the music sound like McBusted!) Ed Banger, lead singer of Killer Boy Ratz (Played by Noel Fielding) on the exact day the inspectors come to visit.
I smell shenanigans! I also smell something else!
So Henry wants to enter his Autistic Spectrum Gang into the Talent Competition and Joy of Joys, I have to listen to Shephanson sing again!
So after a crappy song and defying the law of gravity for a matrix Pose, Oddbod gives him a telling off.
Speaking of Defying the Laws of Physics, after school Margaret and Henry ambush each other with Cartoon Physics, Disappearing behind lampposts and delaying drop rates and the like. This is why I called them,Ralph and Susan, "criminally able" as if they were smarter those powers would be put to murderous use!
It's also revealed that the little chavling has a pet...hamster.
Not a Staffy. or a pitbull. or even a parrot that says FUCK OFF! on command, no, a hamster which is good to know as it's a PLOT POINT!
After a song about being King, Perfect Peter narks on his brother.
AND THEN!
THIS HAPPENS!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I57SHJK1qNM
"Help me! I'm being attacked by things out of Jimmy's Head!"
The Next Day Margaret plans her revenge by using the tried and Failed bucket Prank. After miss battleaxe enters first as Henry was late, the Paint fell on her. Naturally the Fault shifts onto Henry who clearly must have feigned being drove by his dad and set up a trap that would not be tampered by any janitor or cleaning staff in the 8 hours that the school was closed. Did the creators actually go to a working class school or are the as stupid as the parents who buy the children the source material?
So Oddbod fires Battleaxe and for the first time in the 4 and a half pages of notes that made this review, Henry has a twinge of guilt. Opening a drawer, A broach picked up by Battleaxe makes her draw a Crafty smile.
The firing of Miss battleaxe is enough to be pit on the news and also introduces rival headmaster Vic Van Wrinkle (Richard E Grant)
Richard E grant is in this film, Do I have to tell you that this wonderful Ham is the Villain?
END OF PART 1.
What Evil plan does van wrinkle have for henry? what was the broach battleaxe picked up? And will the world actually end if Eamonn finishs this review? find out in part 2 in February. Only on bogger box office!
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Eamonn Reviews Norbit
(Previously On Bogger Box Office...
Ever since SatanicOstrich Quit his Job as the Devil, The fabric of the Universe has being thinner than a wet Kleenex! Not helped by Eamonn the only other Being Cursed with Satanic Power Turning Fully Satanic by A Devil's DVD and used his reality warping powers at the Multiverse Switchyard to redirect all the trains to Hell, In an effort to start 3 Tickets to Hell Early.)
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION...
(This month's theme, from the soundtrack but muffled by the sound quality,
Sean Paul-Temperature http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dW2MmuA1nI4
Well,here it is.
The Shitstopper, The theft of Enjoyment. A film so Horrible, Most Film-Maker Classes have a chapter of this film under the Title of "Don't Do This!"
The sooner you scroll down, the sooner you finish!
We open in 1968 as Norbit Rice(Eddie Murphy) recants his life as an orphan, as he says he hoped his parents took all the pros and cons into Parenthood, We are Shown that he was thrown from a moving car!
Wow Brian Robbins, You know how to keep it classy in your Screenplays Don't you?
So Norbit was raised by Mr Wong (Also Murphy!) As the orphanage was also a restaurant which means we can have Child Labour and Child Endangerment jokes as well as Murphy dressed as an Asian calling Norbit a "UGRY BRACK CHIRD" every second.
Norbit has always being in love with a girl called Kate (later played as an adult by Thandie Newton).Until she was adopted.
In 1977, a bullied Norbit was saved by a overweight girl called Rasputia, who says Norbit is a stupid name for a brother before revealing hers (Yes,that right after Generalising Asians, Let's Generalise the race of Most of the cast, Why not?)
...And Just as I said that, Raspustia's brother Jack is revealed to be none other than Terry "Muscular-Black-Man-Who's-In-Everything" Crews.
Jack and his brothers run a Protection Racket Which is why Norbit cannot refuse Rasputia's advances Norbit is hired by Jack as Latimore Bros. bookkeeper and finally marries her (now played in a grotesque Fat suit by Murphy)
We also have the Comedy Kiss of Death, A Wayon Brother in the cast. I don't care which 1. Its Like Naming your hemorrhoids. They may look different, but they are still pains in the ass!
In the Present, The Marriage has become abusive and poisonous. Also the plot is that the Latimores are trying to buy the orphanage/restaurant From Mr Wong. Rasputia is having an affair with her Dance teacher, though he only doing it because he doesn't want to pay protection.
So Wayan Brother is a former pimp who owns a Pimp themed Rib house, He exposists that Norbit is doing a puppet show for the orphans. When he returns to get his puppets, he finds out about the affair.
So Rasputia is angry with Norbit who runs for his Life.
Wow, I hadn't seen Eddie Murphy run that fast since Scary Spice told him he was the father!
After Traumatising the children by re-enacting the argument with puppets, Kate returns, all grown up and a skin shade lighter....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_hUZEuSGA4
Kate is buying the orphanage under the nose of Jack. So Norbit has Lunch with Kate, and to his bemusement, her fiancee, Dion (Cuba Gooding, Jr.)
So Norbit is depressed, Between his cheating abusive wife, his criminal in-laws, his bad luck in romance, The last straw is when Rasputia cruelly kills a dog, when Norbit tries to leave, Rasputia lies about being Pregnant.
We cut to a block party, That only serves in making Dion another antagonist. He'll be your Greedy Sleazy Businessman this movie. After just 1 scene, Rasputia tells Norbit she lied about being pregnant. Kate makes the mistake (that we already know) In thinking that Jack runs a legitimate business. Because he didn't get the orphanage he is now pissed!
After having her hat stolen, Rasputia returns and sees Norbit dancing with Kate, Much to her Disgust who attacks him.
So Norbit is in hospital, where surprisingly, in front of 100's of witnesses, Rasputia is not arrested for assault. Dion exposists when Jack and his brothers come to beat him up that he's a serial child-support dodger and when jack tells him he's planning to turn the orphanage into a Topless Bar, he is interested, he plans to marry Kate just to share Planning Rights. After dinner, Kare agrees to his proposal.
Norbit has made a letter to a background checking company that he will post attending an orphanage day-trip to a water Park Rasputia invites herself In a Fan Disservice moment as she wears a barely there bikini.. Kate tells Norbit that she and Dion are getting Married on Saturday.
After a bicycle Lesson Montage, Kate asks Norbit to Dinner at the restaurant where the reception will be.
So an evil woman finds out that her cuckolded husband is having dinner with an attractive woman in a romantic restaurant, you don't need tarot cards to predict the future.
Throw in that Jack has tricked Norbit into making Kate sign the orphanage's Liquor Licence Renewal Papers. Not helped by Wayan Brother giving Norbit a Pimp Makeover. Given a tour of the Chapel, Norbit confesses his love in the guise of vows, and kisses Kate, which upsets her. After giving Jack his papers, Rasputia nearly kills Norbit and brags about going to kill Kate with Caustic Solution.
Much like Parental Abandonment and Relational Abuse, The threat of a real-life situation is supposed to be comedy. The next stage of Jack's plan is to make Norbit the scapegoat for turning the orphanage into a strip-joint. Kate is angry and for her safety , Norbit tells her he doesn't care about her. Kate buys it but so does Rasputia, who locks her husband in the basement.
So lets finish this, Norbit escapes by bike,but falls in a lake that destroys the documents, but had called Dion's ex-wives to the wedding. Norbit stands up to Rasputia and the entire town rallies the Latimores Out of Town. And so we end with Kate and Norbit married and owning the orphanage. While in Mexico, Jack has opened a strip-bar where we are left with the delightful Image of Rasputia doing a floor show.
EVERYTHING YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS FILM IS TRUE!
IT FUCKING SUCKS!
First, lets start with the least talked about flaw: the Sound Quality. I struggled to understand half the actors and any music played outside is obscured by background sounds.
But you know you've come here and that's the "jokes" about parental abandonment, Child Endangerment and the Racism, DEAR GOD! THE RACISM! Every time I heard Wayon brother open his mouth, I was hit by verbal sewage.
Getting the rep for being a pre-cursor to Jack and Jill, Murphy has re-donned the fat suits that revitalised his career last decade has ironically ruined him in this. Rasputia's dialogue could have easily being the Sex jokes not used in Klumps 2, Newton remains the second tier actress you get if can't afford Halle Berry. And Wayon Brother and Crews are here because no-one else is. There is too much going on here that wrong with this film, But I'd break the Internet if I name..... them...... all.
(Overhead, the sky cracked open as 80'S Lad and Joe-jack tended to a dumbstruck Eamonn. From the crack fiery apparitions swarmed and solidified as solid bipedal beings. )
look's like The rules are changing Ostrich!
What is going on?
EASY! YOU LEFT HELL AND WON'T COME BACK SO I'VE USED MY INFLUNCE OVER THE TINY PIECE OF YOUR POWER EMBEDDED IN THIS ONES HEART, SO FAR, I'VE ONLY HAVE CONTROL OF HIS MAGIC FIST, EYES AND VOICE,BUT IF YOU TRY TO KILL HIM, YOU'LL GIVE ME COMPLETE CONTROL OVER THIS VESSEL. EAMONN WILL BE THE NEW SATAN! AND I WILL MAKE SURE OF AFTER I MAKE HIM REVIEW...THIS!
(The possessed reviewer snapped his fingers. in his hand what could be his pre-programmed demise.)
Next Month: Eamonn reviews HORRID HENRY.
CREDITS
Norbit was reviewed, Edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music and clips by
Temperature by Sean Paul
Phealous
Norbit is distributed by DreamWorks. All rights reserved. All clips belong to their respected owners.
Follow me on twitter @SaveusPOE
Ever since SatanicOstrich Quit his Job as the Devil, The fabric of the Universe has being thinner than a wet Kleenex! Not helped by Eamonn the only other Being Cursed with Satanic Power Turning Fully Satanic by A Devil's DVD and used his reality warping powers at the Multiverse Switchyard to redirect all the trains to Hell, In an effort to start 3 Tickets to Hell Early.)
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION...
(This month's theme, from the soundtrack but muffled by the sound quality,
Sean Paul-Temperature http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dW2MmuA1nI4
Well,here it is.
The Shitstopper, The theft of Enjoyment. A film so Horrible, Most Film-Maker Classes have a chapter of this film under the Title of "Don't Do This!"
The sooner you scroll down, the sooner you finish!
We open in 1968 as Norbit Rice(Eddie Murphy) recants his life as an orphan, as he says he hoped his parents took all the pros and cons into Parenthood, We are Shown that he was thrown from a moving car!
Wow Brian Robbins, You know how to keep it classy in your Screenplays Don't you?
So Norbit was raised by Mr Wong (Also Murphy!) As the orphanage was also a restaurant which means we can have Child Labour and Child Endangerment jokes as well as Murphy dressed as an Asian calling Norbit a "UGRY BRACK CHIRD" every second.
Norbit has always being in love with a girl called Kate (later played as an adult by Thandie Newton).Until she was adopted.
In 1977, a bullied Norbit was saved by a overweight girl called Rasputia, who says Norbit is a stupid name for a brother before revealing hers (Yes,that right after Generalising Asians, Let's Generalise the race of Most of the cast, Why not?)
...And Just as I said that, Raspustia's brother Jack is revealed to be none other than Terry "Muscular-Black-Man-Who's-In-Everything" Crews.
Jack and his brothers run a Protection Racket Which is why Norbit cannot refuse Rasputia's advances Norbit is hired by Jack as Latimore Bros. bookkeeper and finally marries her (now played in a grotesque Fat suit by Murphy)
We also have the Comedy Kiss of Death, A Wayon Brother in the cast. I don't care which 1. Its Like Naming your hemorrhoids. They may look different, but they are still pains in the ass!
In the Present, The Marriage has become abusive and poisonous. Also the plot is that the Latimores are trying to buy the orphanage/restaurant From Mr Wong. Rasputia is having an affair with her Dance teacher, though he only doing it because he doesn't want to pay protection.
So Wayan Brother is a former pimp who owns a Pimp themed Rib house, He exposists that Norbit is doing a puppet show for the orphans. When he returns to get his puppets, he finds out about the affair.
So Rasputia is angry with Norbit who runs for his Life.
Wow, I hadn't seen Eddie Murphy run that fast since Scary Spice told him he was the father!
After Traumatising the children by re-enacting the argument with puppets, Kate returns, all grown up and a skin shade lighter....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_hUZEuSGA4
Kate is buying the orphanage under the nose of Jack. So Norbit has Lunch with Kate, and to his bemusement, her fiancee, Dion (Cuba Gooding, Jr.)
So Norbit is depressed, Between his cheating abusive wife, his criminal in-laws, his bad luck in romance, The last straw is when Rasputia cruelly kills a dog, when Norbit tries to leave, Rasputia lies about being Pregnant.
We cut to a block party, That only serves in making Dion another antagonist. He'll be your Greedy Sleazy Businessman this movie. After just 1 scene, Rasputia tells Norbit she lied about being pregnant. Kate makes the mistake (that we already know) In thinking that Jack runs a legitimate business. Because he didn't get the orphanage he is now pissed!
After having her hat stolen, Rasputia returns and sees Norbit dancing with Kate, Much to her Disgust who attacks him.
So Norbit is in hospital, where surprisingly, in front of 100's of witnesses, Rasputia is not arrested for assault. Dion exposists when Jack and his brothers come to beat him up that he's a serial child-support dodger and when jack tells him he's planning to turn the orphanage into a Topless Bar, he is interested, he plans to marry Kate just to share Planning Rights. After dinner, Kare agrees to his proposal.
Norbit has made a letter to a background checking company that he will post attending an orphanage day-trip to a water Park Rasputia invites herself In a Fan Disservice moment as she wears a barely there bikini.. Kate tells Norbit that she and Dion are getting Married on Saturday.
After a bicycle Lesson Montage, Kate asks Norbit to Dinner at the restaurant where the reception will be.
So an evil woman finds out that her cuckolded husband is having dinner with an attractive woman in a romantic restaurant, you don't need tarot cards to predict the future.
Throw in that Jack has tricked Norbit into making Kate sign the orphanage's Liquor Licence Renewal Papers. Not helped by Wayan Brother giving Norbit a Pimp Makeover. Given a tour of the Chapel, Norbit confesses his love in the guise of vows, and kisses Kate, which upsets her. After giving Jack his papers, Rasputia nearly kills Norbit and brags about going to kill Kate with Caustic Solution.
Much like Parental Abandonment and Relational Abuse, The threat of a real-life situation is supposed to be comedy. The next stage of Jack's plan is to make Norbit the scapegoat for turning the orphanage into a strip-joint. Kate is angry and for her safety , Norbit tells her he doesn't care about her. Kate buys it but so does Rasputia, who locks her husband in the basement.
So lets finish this, Norbit escapes by bike,but falls in a lake that destroys the documents, but had called Dion's ex-wives to the wedding. Norbit stands up to Rasputia and the entire town rallies the Latimores Out of Town. And so we end with Kate and Norbit married and owning the orphanage. While in Mexico, Jack has opened a strip-bar where we are left with the delightful Image of Rasputia doing a floor show.
EVERYTHING YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS FILM IS TRUE!
IT FUCKING SUCKS!
First, lets start with the least talked about flaw: the Sound Quality. I struggled to understand half the actors and any music played outside is obscured by background sounds.
But you know you've come here and that's the "jokes" about parental abandonment, Child Endangerment and the Racism, DEAR GOD! THE RACISM! Every time I heard Wayon brother open his mouth, I was hit by verbal sewage.
Getting the rep for being a pre-cursor to Jack and Jill, Murphy has re-donned the fat suits that revitalised his career last decade has ironically ruined him in this. Rasputia's dialogue could have easily being the Sex jokes not used in Klumps 2, Newton remains the second tier actress you get if can't afford Halle Berry. And Wayon Brother and Crews are here because no-one else is. There is too much going on here that wrong with this film, But I'd break the Internet if I name..... them...... all.
(Overhead, the sky cracked open as 80'S Lad and Joe-jack tended to a dumbstruck Eamonn. From the crack fiery apparitions swarmed and solidified as solid bipedal beings. )
look's like The rules are changing Ostrich!
What is going on?
EASY! YOU LEFT HELL AND WON'T COME BACK SO I'VE USED MY INFLUNCE OVER THE TINY PIECE OF YOUR POWER EMBEDDED IN THIS ONES HEART, SO FAR, I'VE ONLY HAVE CONTROL OF HIS MAGIC FIST, EYES AND VOICE,BUT IF YOU TRY TO KILL HIM, YOU'LL GIVE ME COMPLETE CONTROL OVER THIS VESSEL. EAMONN WILL BE THE NEW SATAN! AND I WILL MAKE SURE OF AFTER I MAKE HIM REVIEW...THIS!
(The possessed reviewer snapped his fingers. in his hand what could be his pre-programmed demise.)
Next Month: Eamonn reviews HORRID HENRY.
CREDITS
Norbit was reviewed, Edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music and clips by
Temperature by Sean Paul
Phealous
Norbit is distributed by DreamWorks. All rights reserved. All clips belong to their respected owners.
Follow me on twitter @SaveusPOE
Friday, November 29, 2013
Christmas special: Eamonn reviews Bionicle: Mask of Light
(This Months theme= (If I Ain't Drunk, Then It Ain't) Xmas by Corey Taylor)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=od7GUy9XS7c
Welcome Ye, Merriest of Gentlemen, and Ladies, To the Grim Grotto here at Enlightened Towers, For the past 3 Christmas we dismantled 1 aspect of Seasonal Entertainment. My first was my greatest moments in my lifetime. 2 years ago was Love Actually, a film based around Christmas. Last year, I made my own, Spoiler-Heavy, Version of A Christmas Carol. This year My film represents the most important part of Christmas.
Goodwill amongst Men?
FUCK THAT SHIT!
I MEAN TOYS!
Yes Toys have being made into movies, or rather 1 hour commericals revealing the new line made to look AWESOME!, So mammies are nagged to buy the new-ones rather than ones she had, all the while having a bemused "now I know why it was on sale" look.
Now to Bioncle.
I Never had Lego as a child, I was more into Dinosaurs/Fighting Fantasy/Power Rangers/Beast wars as a kid. So I Used Tv tropes to get my background info. So here's the skinny of the backstory.
Taking influences from South Pacific Creation myths, Lego Branched Figure Kits from it's Technic Range called Bionicle in 1999. Bionicle, being a portmanteau of Bionic Chronicle, had a webtoon that told the story of 6 colour coded and Elemental Wielding Teenage Robots with Attitude!, who have a shared Destiny to stop a sealed Evil in A can from freeing itself and ....YOU GUESSED IT!
TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8u7px_GzWQ
All the while unlocking weapons and vechiles to defeat evil. (sold separately!)
So Yeah, Bland and Predictable! But Successful enough to make a Dvd Movie by Miramix. (I Must add that Disney no longer has the right to Lego's property and Warner bros now shows Lego's cartoons on Cartoon Network)
So we begin as a voice over tries to sell the story to us.
In the beginning a Maoi landed on a island called Mata Nui and turned all the Stones and Mineral Ore into Stone and Mineral Ore people and Animals. The God was happy that he endowed all living things with the 3 virtues of Duty, Unity and Destiny. Until the Evil Cursed God to Sleep forever and Caused destruction until the 3 Virtues sealed him away.
And that's the Sinnoh Creation Myth...I mean the plot to bionicle.
We cut to Mata Nui, as a child called Jailer is searching for his friend, the chronicler of Mata Nui, T'Kua In an active volcano. Finding a totem and dropping it in lava reveals it as a Golden Power mask like that of the heroes of this piece, the Toa. T'kua is saved from the lava by the Totally Radical Fire Toa Tahao who rescues him with his surfboard/Swords/Climbing Spikes. He wants T' kua to research this new Mask, but after the pointless sports Montage.
It's here we meet 2 other Toa heroes. The only girl the water toa Galli and the OUTRAGOUS! rock toa Pakath'u (Really! I know it's not John DiMaggio but this V.A. is giving him a run for his money)
After the game, The mask's light shines on T'kua. So The 3 elders Transalates the Mask. It's eponymous Mask of Light, and they wrongly assume That Jailer is the 7th Toa. But it's T'kua the cowardly chronicler that is destined.
In a Caravan The big Bad Mak'huta releases his Goa'uld into 3 warriors. T'kua and Jailer load up their crab for a journey that's going to tell him to put on the fucking mask!
Galli is attacked by the Gould looking things the Rakshii who head towards the Lake Trio and attacks Tahao. These Rakshii have a power that really goes back to creation myths, A poison that puts negative feelings people
Back to T'kua and Jailler, The latter complains about T'kua being a dirty coward, They are attacked by a bear, only to be rescued by the Very Asian Wind Toa Lee-Wa, who gives the 2 boys a giant hummingbird as their steed to the frozen North. While there Lee-wa hears tribal drums telling him that the village was destroyed.
Continuing the quest. the 2 boys meet Surly loner Ice toa K'paku as well as a frozen army of Vahrak, Giant Lion-wolf things
I'll give you three guesses what happens next! the first 2 don't count!
Tahou has reached his village and is torn to see it destroyed.
Back to Jailer, T'kua and K'paka, They stumble on a fortress that houses the Not-System Lords as well as defrosted Lion-Wolf things.
FORESHADOWING HAS ARRIVED!
The Ice-guy is hit by a laser that knocks him out but regains himself to save the 2
The 2 boys enter a cavern and while separated, T'kua is confronted by Generic Bad Guy von Evil Pants. He taunts T'kua with the truth that anyone with half a brain and a small understanding of Sequential Storytelling has already worked out! T'kua leaves the quest.
Finally we meet the last Toa hero as Pakath'u visits Boisterious Bruiser Anura the Steel toa, Who had prepared a feast for T'Kua and Jailer.
(What exactly do Stone and Metal creatures Eat? Granted there's vegetation on Matu Nui but nothing that resembles food. Are the food like everything here something that resembles something on Earth but made of Lego? Or are they like the trolls in Discworld and they eat non-sentient rocks and metal?)
Anyway the Vashii saps the strength from the two toas and turns Tahao Crazy. T'kua gathers his courage and Goes after Jailer.
While the toas Heel Tahao, T'kua Returns to Jailer on a mountain, finding a temple. The Toa and the Vashii have a final battle. Jailer dies in the crossfire. T'kua puts on the mask of Light to become Taka Nuva, the Toa of Light.
So Taka uses his Sixth Ranger New Toyline Powers to Attack Giratina in the Shadow Dimension.
So Lets Finish the Year off with a Bang!
Big Good and Big Bad settle it with a game of Blitzball, On the Surface The Toas villagers and Not-Lake Trio Perform a ritual to summon God, Cresellina throws Giratina into a pool, combining into 1 Being, Jailer is returned to life as is Taka and so the Film ends with a cliffhanger that reveals the where God lives and nothing else!
THIS FILM SUCKS!
The Characters are Generic, The Story is too ambitious for a tv tie-in, and It's Purpose is too sell toys. Okay for a Web series circa 2001 the animation is good I'll give you that. But to end on a cliff hanger when you have no intention of making another movie is infuriating. I also made nothing but Pokemon jokes in this review mainly due to the fact that those things i mentioned are done more famously by them. I knew Nothing of the storyline and watching it on the Wall of Knowledge Extra only told me what the incessant Terminology meant.
In Short, Bioncle: Superb Animation, Loses points for Voice Acting and Script.
CREDITS
Bogger box office Christmas Special: Bionicle Mask of Light was reviewed, edited and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With Clips from
Street Fighter
and music
(If I Ain't Drunk, Then It Ain't) Xmas by Corey Taylor
Mask of Light is Distributed by Miramax
Bioncle and all related products are property of Lego.
To All of you At Bogger Box Office, The Enlightened Page and the TGWTG Forum, Wherever you are, Have a Merry Christmas and a Prosperous New Year
Jingle my Bell over at my Twitter account @saveusPOE for #boggerboxofficebytes, mini reviews until Christmas Eve.
NEXT MONTH: NORBIT
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=od7GUy9XS7c
Welcome Ye, Merriest of Gentlemen, and Ladies, To the Grim Grotto here at Enlightened Towers, For the past 3 Christmas we dismantled 1 aspect of Seasonal Entertainment. My first was my greatest moments in my lifetime. 2 years ago was Love Actually, a film based around Christmas. Last year, I made my own, Spoiler-Heavy, Version of A Christmas Carol. This year My film represents the most important part of Christmas.
Goodwill amongst Men?
FUCK THAT SHIT!
I MEAN TOYS!
Yes Toys have being made into movies, or rather 1 hour commericals revealing the new line made to look AWESOME!, So mammies are nagged to buy the new-ones rather than ones she had, all the while having a bemused "now I know why it was on sale" look.
Now to Bioncle.
I Never had Lego as a child, I was more into Dinosaurs/Fighting Fantasy/Power Rangers/Beast wars as a kid. So I Used Tv tropes to get my background info. So here's the skinny of the backstory.
Taking influences from South Pacific Creation myths, Lego Branched Figure Kits from it's Technic Range called Bionicle in 1999. Bionicle, being a portmanteau of Bionic Chronicle, had a webtoon that told the story of 6 colour coded and Elemental Wielding Teenage Robots with Attitude!, who have a shared Destiny to stop a sealed Evil in A can from freeing itself and ....YOU GUESSED IT!
TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8u7px_GzWQ
All the while unlocking weapons and vechiles to defeat evil. (sold separately!)
So Yeah, Bland and Predictable! But Successful enough to make a Dvd Movie by Miramix. (I Must add that Disney no longer has the right to Lego's property and Warner bros now shows Lego's cartoons on Cartoon Network)
So we begin as a voice over tries to sell the story to us.
In the beginning a Maoi landed on a island called Mata Nui and turned all the Stones and Mineral Ore into Stone and Mineral Ore people and Animals. The God was happy that he endowed all living things with the 3 virtues of Duty, Unity and Destiny. Until the Evil Cursed God to Sleep forever and Caused destruction until the 3 Virtues sealed him away.
And that's the Sinnoh Creation Myth...I mean the plot to bionicle.
We cut to Mata Nui, as a child called Jailer is searching for his friend, the chronicler of Mata Nui, T'Kua In an active volcano. Finding a totem and dropping it in lava reveals it as a Golden Power mask like that of the heroes of this piece, the Toa. T'kua is saved from the lava by the Totally Radical Fire Toa Tahao who rescues him with his surfboard/Swords/Climbing Spikes. He wants T' kua to research this new Mask, but after the pointless sports Montage.
It's here we meet 2 other Toa heroes. The only girl the water toa Galli and the OUTRAGOUS! rock toa Pakath'u (Really! I know it's not John DiMaggio but this V.A. is giving him a run for his money)
After the game, The mask's light shines on T'kua. So The 3 elders Transalates the Mask. It's eponymous Mask of Light, and they wrongly assume That Jailer is the 7th Toa. But it's T'kua the cowardly chronicler that is destined.
In a Caravan The big Bad Mak'huta releases his Goa'uld into 3 warriors. T'kua and Jailer load up their crab for a journey that's going to tell him to put on the fucking mask!
Galli is attacked by the Gould looking things the Rakshii who head towards the Lake Trio and attacks Tahao. These Rakshii have a power that really goes back to creation myths, A poison that puts negative feelings people
Back to T'kua and Jailler, The latter complains about T'kua being a dirty coward, They are attacked by a bear, only to be rescued by the Very Asian Wind Toa Lee-Wa, who gives the 2 boys a giant hummingbird as their steed to the frozen North. While there Lee-wa hears tribal drums telling him that the village was destroyed.
Continuing the quest. the 2 boys meet Surly loner Ice toa K'paku as well as a frozen army of Vahrak, Giant Lion-wolf things
I'll give you three guesses what happens next! the first 2 don't count!
Tahou has reached his village and is torn to see it destroyed.
Back to Jailer, T'kua and K'paka, They stumble on a fortress that houses the Not-System Lords as well as defrosted Lion-Wolf things.
FORESHADOWING HAS ARRIVED!
The Ice-guy is hit by a laser that knocks him out but regains himself to save the 2
The 2 boys enter a cavern and while separated, T'kua is confronted by Generic Bad Guy von Evil Pants. He taunts T'kua with the truth that anyone with half a brain and a small understanding of Sequential Storytelling has already worked out! T'kua leaves the quest.
Finally we meet the last Toa hero as Pakath'u visits Boisterious Bruiser Anura the Steel toa, Who had prepared a feast for T'Kua and Jailer.
(What exactly do Stone and Metal creatures Eat? Granted there's vegetation on Matu Nui but nothing that resembles food. Are the food like everything here something that resembles something on Earth but made of Lego? Or are they like the trolls in Discworld and they eat non-sentient rocks and metal?)
Anyway the Vashii saps the strength from the two toas and turns Tahao Crazy. T'kua gathers his courage and Goes after Jailer.
While the toas Heel Tahao, T'kua Returns to Jailer on a mountain, finding a temple. The Toa and the Vashii have a final battle. Jailer dies in the crossfire. T'kua puts on the mask of Light to become Taka Nuva, the Toa of Light.
So Taka uses his Sixth Ranger New Toyline Powers to Attack Giratina in the Shadow Dimension.
So Lets Finish the Year off with a Bang!
Big Good and Big Bad settle it with a game of Blitzball, On the Surface The Toas villagers and Not-Lake Trio Perform a ritual to summon God, Cresellina throws Giratina into a pool, combining into 1 Being, Jailer is returned to life as is Taka and so the Film ends with a cliffhanger that reveals the where God lives and nothing else!
THIS FILM SUCKS!
The Characters are Generic, The Story is too ambitious for a tv tie-in, and It's Purpose is too sell toys. Okay for a Web series circa 2001 the animation is good I'll give you that. But to end on a cliff hanger when you have no intention of making another movie is infuriating. I also made nothing but Pokemon jokes in this review mainly due to the fact that those things i mentioned are done more famously by them. I knew Nothing of the storyline and watching it on the Wall of Knowledge Extra only told me what the incessant Terminology meant.
In Short, Bioncle: Superb Animation, Loses points for Voice Acting and Script.
CREDITS
Bogger box office Christmas Special: Bionicle Mask of Light was reviewed, edited and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With Clips from
Street Fighter
and music
(If I Ain't Drunk, Then It Ain't) Xmas by Corey Taylor
Mask of Light is Distributed by Miramax
Bioncle and all related products are property of Lego.
To All of you At Bogger Box Office, The Enlightened Page and the TGWTG Forum, Wherever you are, Have a Merry Christmas and a Prosperous New Year
Jingle my Bell over at my Twitter account @saveusPOE for #boggerboxofficebytes, mini reviews until Christmas Eve.
NEXT MONTH: NORBIT
Friday, November 1, 2013
Eamonn reviews MacGruber
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
Infected by the evil of D.Y.H.A.T.M? Eamonn went insane with SatanicPower, Given that SatanicOstrich has left hell months ago, To shorten the time to the next TICKET TO HELL event, SatanicEamonn Destroyed the Multiverse Switchyard, Weakening the walls of the Mulitiverse, In short fiction is bleeding into reality, With the task completed, Eamonn turned back to normal)
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION)
Theme of the Month-from the soundtrack
Gerry Rafterty Baker's street
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7--mbE05A4I
Most Americans reading this would probably go up in Arms to why a film based on a sketch from America's biggest show, Saturday Night Live, would appear here on BBO, Ireland and the world's home for text reviews of Terrible Films?
I Answered my Own Question.
SNL Is AMERICA'S Biggest show, It's only shown in America, So when SNL, National Lampoon, and Kids In the Hall release a film into Europe, it's only through the goodwill of Cinema Patrons wheter that film is a hit or not.
And Believe me, Macgruber is no Wayne's World! It maybe Wayne's World 2, but it's no Wayne's World.
For those who never watch SNL, heard of it or Seen it parodied on every single WB cartoon since the 90's, I'll give you the skinny.
Macgruber is a 5 minute sketch based on 80's series, MacGyver. The sketch consists of Macgruber (played by Will Forte) trying to defuse a bomb only to get distracted and get blown up. It's one trick pony some how became an ad for Pepsi and then, this a 90 minute film.
So it's a film,
based on an ad,
Based on a 5 minute sketch,
Based on a parody,
Based on a 80's tv show?
Not since they made Rowan Atkinson's Barlaycard ads into Johnny English have I soiled myself in terror!
So let's blow the lid off the lid, peer inside and try not to inhale the fumes, this is MacGruber.
You'd be Mistaken, like I was, when I Saw the opening scene A Russian unit is killed by terrorists who steal a missle, Taking no prisioners. the Terrorists, led by Val Kilmer, even disptches a lone Survivor with a Bond one-liner.
Until the Opening credits show the Title charecter in stupid situations as expositary Lyrics play out. A secret file shows the blacklisted inventor's follies , as great as he is, he's also a major fuck-up.
We Cut to Ecudor, where Lt. Dixon Piper (Ryan Phillippe) and General. Faith are searching for Mac, now a monk living with the natives, only much like ace Ventura 2, they want to get rid of him!
The General tells Mac that his arch-nemesis Dieter von Cunte (Kilmer) (yes really! Forte must follow the George Lucus School of Terrible Villian Names) has stolen the warheads. Enraged, Mac still refuses to help.
That night Mac dreams of the day Cunte killed his bride to be. This convinces Mac to join the search for Cunte, but has issues with the rookie Piper so he reforms his old posse made up of wwe wrestlers Chris Jericho, Mark Hungry, The Great Krappi, Kane the immobile slab of Meat, Big slow and former wwe wrestler Mvp. he also finds Vicki St Elmo. (Kristen Wiig) who refuses. After telling us the van over his shoulder has the wrestlers and Homemade c4. It blows up on cue, killing his posse and making the wrestlers cameos, pointless.
In fact MacGruber had more screen time on wwe promoting his film than the wrestlers had in this film. Jericho had 3 lines everyone else had 1 line and Big show didn't even speak.
Or maybe Jericho got payed in advance and fucked off to play in his 3rd rate rock band!
Without a team, Mac is off the case, after bribing Piper to let him sodomise him, Piper joins him and Vicki has a change of heart.
We cut to Las vegas, as the search for Von Cunte starts in a casino he usually haunts. He does this blowing his cover and the entire mission. But no-one takes him seriously, but the security tells Cunte anyway.
Back to our Heroes, Mac has the inspiredly stupid plan of Dressing vicki as him. In the hopes that the criminals would be stupid enough not to just shoot their target on sight. But since this is a parody with Genre savvy villians and genre blind heroes, they attack the van with the MCGRBR Vanity plates.
After Killing the henchman with his van, Piper and Vicki find clues that lead the team to an abandoned railroad. After distacting the guards by Dancing Naked with Celery up his ass. (Seriously, Movie, I need to bleach my eyes!) Vicky dressed as a BEARDED! henchman gets shot at, surprisingly. The villians escape with missles launch codes as Mac's Homemade tennisball grenades are just tennisballs. Just as Mac fucks up tracing a call, Col. Faith provides intel on A V.I.P. party Von Cunte is throwing.
We cut to Salt Lake City, where Mac and Vicki crash Von Cunte's Party, with both being wired to Dixon. After Arguing about a passing comment about a guest being handsome, an angry Mac finds Cunte playing Poker. After insults and telling the nice villian who's on his team, Vicky spies a senator getting bribed.
Returning to D.C., Col. Faith takes Mac off the case. He reveals to Dixon why Cunte killed his wife. appartently he stole her from him.
Okay, standard fare. Nothing bad
.....Until he says he stole her, while she was pregnant with Dieter's baby and told her to abort it, and when she refused...Well, I dare go on, but the term "D.I.Y Job" was used!
Movie, you done crossed the line!
The heroes are ambushed and Mac uses Piper as a Human Shield, Despite him wearing Kevlar, He doesn't apprieciate Mac's Cowardice. When performing first aid, Vicky confesses her love and makes love with Mac. Heeerrresss Will forte's ass on your screen again!
Ashamed, Mac goes to his wife's grave. he is visited by his wive's ghost. he then Proceeds to...fuck the ghost, Giving us another screenfull of pasty ass!
He deduces post supernatural Coitus, that Cunte will nuke the State of the Union Address, Just as the crooked senator kills Col. Faith.
Mac returns to Vicky's, Only to find she's being kipnapped. Arming himself with the contents of a sewing box and a Celery up his ass, he apoligizes to piper.
So let's end this! The others go to rescue Vicki, But she frees herself, Cunte captures Mac to frame him for the attack, Cunte cuts Mac's Mullet, turns him apeshit, Piper sticks celery up his ass, Vicki knows Kung Fu, Cunte gets blown, only for Mac to finish the job at Vicki's and his wedding, but not before pissing and shitting on his skeletonised remains! Because that's what a likable hero does!
THIS FILM BIG TIME SUCKS!
Did i need to see Will Forte's ass every 5 minutes? I know, that's an abrupt way to start a paragraph, but if Forte thought people wanted to see him as a stupid, homophobic,xenophonic,ill-mannered,Morally bankrupt 'Murican, He was surely Mistaken. Once again, Wiig is in a film where her talents are wasted, (Ditto Phillippe). When did Val Kilmer get fat? he looks terrible, he looks like former Nfl player turned wrestler Steve "mongo" McMichael!
While many films have socially awkward heroes, usually their mixture of determined spirit and endearing charm, wins the day and usually the girl. But MacGruber is neither Mr. Bean or Ali G or Happy Singh (How's that for an obscure Film reference?). Here we have a charecter from 5 minute shorts. And much like caffiene, sugar and fat, a little MacGruber is all people can tolerate!
CREDITS
MacGruber was reviewed, Edited, and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music:
Baker's Street by Gerry Rafterty
MacGruber is Distrubuted by Universal
All Rights Reserved.
Follow me on twitter @saveusPOE
Next month: CHRISTMAS SPECIAL Bionicle Mask ofSHITE! Light
Infected by the evil of D.Y.H.A.T.M? Eamonn went insane with SatanicPower, Given that SatanicOstrich has left hell months ago, To shorten the time to the next TICKET TO HELL event, SatanicEamonn Destroyed the Multiverse Switchyard, Weakening the walls of the Mulitiverse, In short fiction is bleeding into reality, With the task completed, Eamonn turned back to normal)
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION)
Theme of the Month-from the soundtrack
Gerry Rafterty Baker's street
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7--mbE05A4I
Most Americans reading this would probably go up in Arms to why a film based on a sketch from America's biggest show, Saturday Night Live, would appear here on BBO, Ireland and the world's home for text reviews of Terrible Films?
I Answered my Own Question.
SNL Is AMERICA'S Biggest show, It's only shown in America, So when SNL, National Lampoon, and Kids In the Hall release a film into Europe, it's only through the goodwill of Cinema Patrons wheter that film is a hit or not.
And Believe me, Macgruber is no Wayne's World! It maybe Wayne's World 2, but it's no Wayne's World.
For those who never watch SNL, heard of it or Seen it parodied on every single WB cartoon since the 90's, I'll give you the skinny.
Macgruber is a 5 minute sketch based on 80's series, MacGyver. The sketch consists of Macgruber (played by Will Forte) trying to defuse a bomb only to get distracted and get blown up. It's one trick pony some how became an ad for Pepsi and then, this a 90 minute film.
So it's a film,
based on an ad,
Based on a 5 minute sketch,
Based on a parody,
Based on a 80's tv show?
Not since they made Rowan Atkinson's Barlaycard ads into Johnny English have I soiled myself in terror!
So let's blow the lid off the lid, peer inside and try not to inhale the fumes, this is MacGruber.
You'd be Mistaken, like I was, when I Saw the opening scene A Russian unit is killed by terrorists who steal a missle, Taking no prisioners. the Terrorists, led by Val Kilmer, even disptches a lone Survivor with a Bond one-liner.
Until the Opening credits show the Title charecter in stupid situations as expositary Lyrics play out. A secret file shows the blacklisted inventor's follies , as great as he is, he's also a major fuck-up.
We Cut to Ecudor, where Lt. Dixon Piper (Ryan Phillippe) and General. Faith are searching for Mac, now a monk living with the natives, only much like ace Ventura 2, they want to get rid of him!
The General tells Mac that his arch-nemesis Dieter von Cunte (Kilmer) (yes really! Forte must follow the George Lucus School of Terrible Villian Names) has stolen the warheads. Enraged, Mac still refuses to help.
That night Mac dreams of the day Cunte killed his bride to be. This convinces Mac to join the search for Cunte, but has issues with the rookie Piper so he reforms his old posse made up of wwe wrestlers Chris Jericho, Mark Hungry, The Great Krappi, Kane the immobile slab of Meat, Big slow and former wwe wrestler Mvp. he also finds Vicki St Elmo. (Kristen Wiig) who refuses. After telling us the van over his shoulder has the wrestlers and Homemade c4. It blows up on cue, killing his posse and making the wrestlers cameos, pointless.
In fact MacGruber had more screen time on wwe promoting his film than the wrestlers had in this film. Jericho had 3 lines everyone else had 1 line and Big show didn't even speak.
Or maybe Jericho got payed in advance and fucked off to play in his 3rd rate rock band!
Without a team, Mac is off the case, after bribing Piper to let him sodomise him, Piper joins him and Vicki has a change of heart.
We cut to Las vegas, as the search for Von Cunte starts in a casino he usually haunts. He does this blowing his cover and the entire mission. But no-one takes him seriously, but the security tells Cunte anyway.
Back to our Heroes, Mac has the inspiredly stupid plan of Dressing vicki as him. In the hopes that the criminals would be stupid enough not to just shoot their target on sight. But since this is a parody with Genre savvy villians and genre blind heroes, they attack the van with the MCGRBR Vanity plates.
After Killing the henchman with his van, Piper and Vicki find clues that lead the team to an abandoned railroad. After distacting the guards by Dancing Naked with Celery up his ass. (Seriously, Movie, I need to bleach my eyes!) Vicky dressed as a BEARDED! henchman gets shot at, surprisingly. The villians escape with missles launch codes as Mac's Homemade tennisball grenades are just tennisballs. Just as Mac fucks up tracing a call, Col. Faith provides intel on A V.I.P. party Von Cunte is throwing.
We cut to Salt Lake City, where Mac and Vicki crash Von Cunte's Party, with both being wired to Dixon. After Arguing about a passing comment about a guest being handsome, an angry Mac finds Cunte playing Poker. After insults and telling the nice villian who's on his team, Vicky spies a senator getting bribed.
Returning to D.C., Col. Faith takes Mac off the case. He reveals to Dixon why Cunte killed his wife. appartently he stole her from him.
Okay, standard fare. Nothing bad
.....Until he says he stole her, while she was pregnant with Dieter's baby and told her to abort it, and when she refused...Well, I dare go on, but the term "D.I.Y Job" was used!
Movie, you done crossed the line!
The heroes are ambushed and Mac uses Piper as a Human Shield, Despite him wearing Kevlar, He doesn't apprieciate Mac's Cowardice. When performing first aid, Vicky confesses her love and makes love with Mac. Heeerrresss Will forte's ass on your screen again!
Ashamed, Mac goes to his wife's grave. he is visited by his wive's ghost. he then Proceeds to...fuck the ghost, Giving us another screenfull of pasty ass!
He deduces post supernatural Coitus, that Cunte will nuke the State of the Union Address, Just as the crooked senator kills Col. Faith.
Mac returns to Vicky's, Only to find she's being kipnapped. Arming himself with the contents of a sewing box and a Celery up his ass, he apoligizes to piper.
So let's end this! The others go to rescue Vicki, But she frees herself, Cunte captures Mac to frame him for the attack, Cunte cuts Mac's Mullet, turns him apeshit, Piper sticks celery up his ass, Vicki knows Kung Fu, Cunte gets blown, only for Mac to finish the job at Vicki's and his wedding, but not before pissing and shitting on his skeletonised remains! Because that's what a likable hero does!
THIS FILM BIG TIME SUCKS!
Did i need to see Will Forte's ass every 5 minutes? I know, that's an abrupt way to start a paragraph, but if Forte thought people wanted to see him as a stupid, homophobic,xenophonic,ill-mannered,Morally bankrupt 'Murican, He was surely Mistaken. Once again, Wiig is in a film where her talents are wasted, (Ditto Phillippe). When did Val Kilmer get fat? he looks terrible, he looks like former Nfl player turned wrestler Steve "mongo" McMichael!
While many films have socially awkward heroes, usually their mixture of determined spirit and endearing charm, wins the day and usually the girl. But MacGruber is neither Mr. Bean or Ali G or Happy Singh (How's that for an obscure Film reference?). Here we have a charecter from 5 minute shorts. And much like caffiene, sugar and fat, a little MacGruber is all people can tolerate!
CREDITS
MacGruber was reviewed, Edited, and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music:
Baker's Street by Gerry Rafterty
MacGruber is Distrubuted by Universal
All Rights Reserved.
Follow me on twitter @saveusPOE
Next month: CHRISTMAS SPECIAL Bionicle Mask of
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Halloween special: 80's Lad, Like, reviews Pearblossom aka Lifeblood
(SatanicEamonn's Line in Red)
80'S LAD'S REVIEW IN ORANGE)
(Mammie's Line in Pink)
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
After Reviewing The Razzie nominated Did you Hear about the Morgans? The Evil Power of 1 the Devil's DVDs Offset the balance in Eamonn's Soul. The Power he had stolen by Punching SatanicOstrich all of 4 years ago, had control of him. he now stood there in Joe-Jack's Sitting room, look like the lord of flies himself.
If you know what's good for you, You'll stay out of my way!
(Eamonn sprouted wings and flew out the window, Collapsing the supporting Wall As he flew away.)
Joe-Jack can ya closhe da window? deresh a Big Draft comin' in, so deres is!
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
(theme of the month-from the soundtrack Donavan-Mellow Yellow http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrbni0tVBZ8
DDDUUUUUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDEEEEEE!
It's Me the totally tubular 80's Lad hosting our showcase of the tres bogus Sci-fi and horror the film channels have to offer. Rewind your mind back to 2012, ladles and germs,When we reviewed Nazis at the Centre of the Earth man, We thought could film have something bigger to offend people further?
How about A Lesbian God?
So lets Open Our Showcase and Welcome Life Blood to your collective consciousness.
We Open to 2 lezzers, lessing off at a new years party in 1969, One of them is Sophie "No Junk in The Trunk" Monk. After the party is over, the 2 girls are arguing and we are told in flashback that Brooke (Monk) killed a rapist whilst he was in the act. So now Rhea and Brooke are now on the run.
As they speed off, they find a pearblossom in the windscreen that beats a heartbeat, distracting them long enough to kill a possum. Angered by her lovers disregard for Life, Rhea storms off, but returns when a spectre attacks Brooke that knocks her out. Rhea Meets God and she (yes, she!) makes out with Rhea and turns her into an angel.
BY FUCKING HER!
Now that's what I call a magic box. man!
We now Jump forward to new years eve 2009 as a cocoon opens up to reveal the newly formed vampire-angel things. As Brooke realise her Sexual appetite has now become her actual Appetite, And since he hasn't had any for 40 years, goes on a killing spree as Rhea tries(and fails) to be voice of reason. Brooke reveals that god turned her into something that feeds on flesh, while she turned Rhea into something that feeds on flesh-eaters.
So are they vampire angels or 1 is a vampire and the other is an angel? Or are vampires secondary predators and all the long something can eat vampires? I'm confused.
More importantly, Why would God make an evil being? Are there Vacancies in Heaven?
Holed up in a Petrol Station, as sunlight can kill them,Rhea tries to convince Brooke that if they must eat flesh to survive then they must keep out of trouble, Brooke refuses but rhea bites Brooke as she proclaims her evil soul is Delicious.
Watching TV, They find out the rape victim they saved (who has not aged despite it being 40 years ago.) has sold her story and claimed her rapist was her lover to paint the girls in a bad light. Brooke vows to kill her. and Kills rhea when she argues back.
With Rhea Indisposed, Brooke kills a family of tourists as the store clerk escapes finding a midget cop who goes toward the station. After a stand off between them, Brooke kills the midget and then all the police.
But then God comes and DUES EX MACHINA happens fucking Rhea back to life, who chases down Brooke in a stolen Copcar.
And the film ends by Rhea bitch-slapping Brooke so hard she is impaled on a railroad crossing sign. Rhea is a vigilante now feeding on the souls of wicked people, as we cut back to the railroad sign with the body of Brooke gone!
This Film is so BOGUS, My Mans!
As well as being a second-rate model, No Junk-in-the-Trunk Monk zimmers through each scene without ever emoting. But the 8-zeroes-L knows after watching neighbours and home and away, that's just the way Aussies talk! Any film with a midget can't and won't be taken seriously, A lesbian God was only there to attract an audience and if I want to hear new age mumbo jumbo, I'd talk to my Dad, Sixties Dad! Well no wonder i got lost, duders, this maybe our worst review yet, but blame it on the source Material.
(MEANWHILE AT THE TRAIN STATION WHERE THE EXPRESS TO HELL ARRIVES EACH MAY,
SatanicEamonn swoops in and using his corrupted powers and inhuman strength, Destroys the Switchyard of The Multiverse!)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, LOOK LIKE I WAS RIGHT, IT SEEMS THAT ALL THE TRAIN SERVICES ARE GOING TO HELL! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(With his mission over, the Devil's Dvd ejected itself and returned to the pits. Leaving Eamonn to contemplate What he just done!)
Eamonn Returns to BBO Next Month! But can he live with what he did? Find out next Month as he reviews MacGruber!
CREDITS
LifeBlood was reviewed, Compiled and Edited by, starring as 80's Lad, by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music
Mellow Yellow by Donavan
Pearblossom aka Lifeblood aka Murder World aka Sunset Vampires is distributed by Bleiberg Entertainment. All Rights Reserved.
Follow me on Twitter @saveusPOE Or search TGWTGEamonn
80'S LAD'S REVIEW IN ORANGE)
(Mammie's Line in Pink)
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
After Reviewing The Razzie nominated Did you Hear about the Morgans? The Evil Power of 1 the Devil's DVDs Offset the balance in Eamonn's Soul. The Power he had stolen by Punching SatanicOstrich all of 4 years ago, had control of him. he now stood there in Joe-Jack's Sitting room, look like the lord of flies himself.
If you know what's good for you, You'll stay out of my way!
(Eamonn sprouted wings and flew out the window, Collapsing the supporting Wall As he flew away.)
Joe-Jack can ya closhe da window? deresh a Big Draft comin' in, so deres is!
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
(theme of the month-from the soundtrack Donavan-Mellow Yellow http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrbni0tVBZ8
DDDUUUUUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDEEEEEE!
It's Me the totally tubular 80's Lad hosting our showcase of the tres bogus Sci-fi and horror the film channels have to offer. Rewind your mind back to 2012, ladles and germs,When we reviewed Nazis at the Centre of the Earth man, We thought could film have something bigger to offend people further?
How about A Lesbian God?
So lets Open Our Showcase and Welcome Life Blood to your collective consciousness.
We Open to 2 lezzers, lessing off at a new years party in 1969, One of them is Sophie "No Junk in The Trunk" Monk. After the party is over, the 2 girls are arguing and we are told in flashback that Brooke (Monk) killed a rapist whilst he was in the act. So now Rhea and Brooke are now on the run.
As they speed off, they find a pearblossom in the windscreen that beats a heartbeat, distracting them long enough to kill a possum. Angered by her lovers disregard for Life, Rhea storms off, but returns when a spectre attacks Brooke that knocks her out. Rhea Meets God and she (yes, she!) makes out with Rhea and turns her into an angel.
BY FUCKING HER!
Now that's what I call a magic box. man!
We now Jump forward to new years eve 2009 as a cocoon opens up to reveal the newly formed vampire-angel things. As Brooke realise her Sexual appetite has now become her actual Appetite, And since he hasn't had any for 40 years, goes on a killing spree as Rhea tries(and fails) to be voice of reason. Brooke reveals that god turned her into something that feeds on flesh, while she turned Rhea into something that feeds on flesh-eaters.
So are they vampire angels or 1 is a vampire and the other is an angel? Or are vampires secondary predators and all the long something can eat vampires? I'm confused.
More importantly, Why would God make an evil being? Are there Vacancies in Heaven?
Holed up in a Petrol Station, as sunlight can kill them,Rhea tries to convince Brooke that if they must eat flesh to survive then they must keep out of trouble, Brooke refuses but rhea bites Brooke as she proclaims her evil soul is Delicious.
Watching TV, They find out the rape victim they saved (who has not aged despite it being 40 years ago.) has sold her story and claimed her rapist was her lover to paint the girls in a bad light. Brooke vows to kill her. and Kills rhea when she argues back.
With Rhea Indisposed, Brooke kills a family of tourists as the store clerk escapes finding a midget cop who goes toward the station. After a stand off between them, Brooke kills the midget and then all the police.
But then God comes and DUES EX MACHINA happens fucking Rhea back to life, who chases down Brooke in a stolen Copcar.
And the film ends by Rhea bitch-slapping Brooke so hard she is impaled on a railroad crossing sign. Rhea is a vigilante now feeding on the souls of wicked people, as we cut back to the railroad sign with the body of Brooke gone!
This Film is so BOGUS, My Mans!
As well as being a second-rate model, No Junk-in-the-Trunk Monk zimmers through each scene without ever emoting. But the 8-zeroes-L knows after watching neighbours and home and away, that's just the way Aussies talk! Any film with a midget can't and won't be taken seriously, A lesbian God was only there to attract an audience and if I want to hear new age mumbo jumbo, I'd talk to my Dad, Sixties Dad! Well no wonder i got lost, duders, this maybe our worst review yet, but blame it on the source Material.
(MEANWHILE AT THE TRAIN STATION WHERE THE EXPRESS TO HELL ARRIVES EACH MAY,
SatanicEamonn swoops in and using his corrupted powers and inhuman strength, Destroys the Switchyard of The Multiverse!)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, LOOK LIKE I WAS RIGHT, IT SEEMS THAT ALL THE TRAIN SERVICES ARE GOING TO HELL! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(With his mission over, the Devil's Dvd ejected itself and returned to the pits. Leaving Eamonn to contemplate What he just done!)
Eamonn Returns to BBO Next Month! But can he live with what he did? Find out next Month as he reviews MacGruber!
CREDITS
LifeBlood was reviewed, Compiled and Edited by, starring as 80's Lad, by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music
Mellow Yellow by Donavan
Pearblossom aka Lifeblood aka Murder World aka Sunset Vampires is distributed by Bleiberg Entertainment. All Rights Reserved.
Follow me on Twitter @saveusPOE Or search TGWTGEamonn
Monday, September 2, 2013
Eamonn gets kidnapped, Forced to review Did you hear about the Morgans?
(we open to Eamonn asleep on the couch with cans of Energy drink everywhere, he is awoke by his phone Stumbling into a new found headache, he reaches to read 35 missed calls, all from Joe-Jack. he calls him. As he does he notices his door is chained like Silent hill the room.)
(slurred) I'm locked out of the rest of my house! Where are you?
I'm sorry for (crying)....I HAD TA! YA WOULDN'TDO IT IF I DID ASKYA!
Do what? couldn't you or 80's Lad do it?
We had t'keep it a secret, so we had t'trap ya wif dem dere spiked drinks, it is another another Divil's dvd as bad as leap year and Silent hill but this more potent dan me zombie makin' poteen so it is!
what can be more potent that your zombie Moonshine?
(he pressed play. the screen for Did You hear About the Morgans? play out!
FUCK NO! JOE-JACK, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!!
(this month's theme-Crazy little thing called love-DONE RIGHT!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EE34cSvZCd8
For those who never heard of this film 90% percent of you welcome to the Razzie nominated rom-com bomb that killed off the carears of it's two leads. And considering the 2 leads are Hugh "Pervo" Grant and Sarah Jessica Horse-Face, my least favorite actors, I'm so glad they did!
So lets dig into D.Y.H.A.T.M? The worst film to come out of the worse genre starring the worse actor and actress! (actual Razzie response)
Before I start, Rather than the tired old "You wouldn't steal a car" video that my countrymen Bryne and O'Breen have parodied, we were told this bold claim.
"By buying this dvd, you're helping funding the British Film and Television Industry!"
No wonder ITV are reduced to Towie, "celebrity" shows and Horrid Henry, If the British tv industry pinned their hopes on this!
We open to a blank screen as we hear Paul Morgan (Pervo) trying to ask his ex-wife Merrell (HorseFace) to dinner. We are told early that she is a realter that made the cover of magazine. Remember this.
While Merrell is enjoying her life as a newly-divorced socialite, Pervo is trying to win her back with lavish gifts and gatecrshing her Breast cancer gala.
Hugh probably went there, because it has the word breast in it!
So they go out to dinner the next night. There is also a sub-plot between the Morgans' P.A.s , a Topher Grace stand-in and Natalia Klimas, an actress that looks like the secret love-child of Jennifer Garner and Amy Adams or Jennamy Garnadams as I'll call her from now on! the Sub-plot is an insufferable Everything You Can do/Aww They Really Love Each Other plot! Except without any warmth or tenderness and lots more childish name calling and tazers!
So as the Morgans walk home, It's revealed to the audience that Hugh Grant of all people, was caught with a hooker!
They walk past a house that Merrell sold earlier, as the client falls from the balcony with a knife in his back. The murderer spots the Morgans. Thanks to the plot-point of the Magazine Cover, the Murderer has an idea who she is.
After being targeted at home, the police tells the Morgans that the man murdered was an arms dealer testifying against a Terrorist Hiding in Europe. and as witnesses, they will be put together into a witness Protection Programme.
(facepalming, shaking his head, Laughing)
this is so stupid!
TRY AGAIN DUMBASS!
I read Phoenix Wright Fan-fiction with Less Artistic License than this!
So the Idiots are relocated to Wyoming and after complaining about not packing enough clothes, the sheriff pulls over to a Bargain Barn, and cheap clothes are a Culture shock to these Gobshites!
Also the deputies protecting the Morgans are Man and Wive and avid Hunters, something that disagrees with the vegatarian PETA Patron Merrell but it's a Compressed Vice.
Meanwhile back in New york, Not-Topher Grace and Jennamy Garnadams are planted Trackers by the hitman.
Back in Wyoming, the culture shock continues for the spoilt handrared fuckers as Paul is attacked by a bear. The only Doctor in town is a pediactric. Not being guarded Merrell calls an adoption agency to cancel services as her call gets traced.
So the morgans are arguing so much that even the sheriffs wants to get them out of the house. So they teach the morgans to ride a horse and shoot rifles, getting Paul hurt in the process so he must see that the pediatrician again and is offered a lollipop! Merrell let's slip she is an estate agent and becomes the town's self-appointed busybody, this agitates some people when they go out to dinner, when she asks the local toughnut named Earl(Wilfred Brimley) not to smoke.
You don't want to piss off Brimley! He could turn into the Thing and eat your face! Actually, "the Thing eats Perv-o and Horse-face" would be a far better film than this!
The next day, Earl comes up to Paul because he needs a lawyer to draw a will. despite A) How did anyone know he was a lawyer and B) since he is under an assumed alias, any drafts will be under scutiny.
Back in NYC, Gopher#1 call's merrel's tapped number but Gopher 2 kisses her, only to get tazered.
Talk about extreme No-Touchies!
Now we have some real bullshit dialogue. As out in the night sky, Merrell looks at the stars and claims she never seen the real stars before!
You know what? THAT'S BULLSHIT! AND HERE'S WHY! Remember when you were young and had picture books? I'm sure you did. First words of animals in the farm and in the jungle! I First went to Dublin zoo when I was 11 but knew what a lion looked like before actually seeing 1.
What i'm driving at is, not knowing what something looks like is stupid, since we live in an audiovisual world where we know what thinks look like before we ever see them for ourselves.
Also in attempt to get a more high-brow job Horse-face quotes Shakespeare, yeah I doubt that will ever happen. And Reminiscing about there marraige makes them get back together, just as the seperate sites are issued and the hitman touches down in Wyoming.
BECAUSE THE PLOT SAYS SO!
Oh and the reason Merrell wants to have kids is that Paul once nursed a mouse back to heath!
Somewhere a sentient floppy fringe with a tail and whiskers is bribing the other mice for sex with cheese!
So the Morgans are invited to the (only) social event of the year, The Rodeo, as Pervo and Horse-Face dance to a terrible country version of Crazy little thing called love, Sang by who I thought was Rebecca Black! When they discuss getting back together, Merrell confesses to sleeping with someone else during the separation.
"Why" askes Paul.
"WHY?"
WHY NOT?
I Thought what you did when you where divorced was not your ex-spouse's concern. And as you keep drilling in our heads, movie, THEY HAVE NO CHILDREN! So it wouldn't matter even if they did keep in touch!
The next day the assassian arrives as the Morgans bitch and moan about there crappy lives. I really hope the happy ending is them choking on Lead slugs!
Speaking of Which, the assassian has took advantage of everyone being at the rodeo, The morgans escape with the gunman on their trail, Hiding at the rodeo, they have the inspiredly stupid Idea of dressing as a pantomime bull in a Bull-ring. But entire town rushes the assassian and outguns him.
So this turd is covered and flushed when the assassian is arrested, the morgans return with an adoptive child and Not-Topher and Jennamy Garnadams are a couple and have their jobs back. Despite nearly killing their employers!
THIS FILM SUCKS!....But what didya expect? Shakespeare? and hearing Horse-face quote the bard is making me consider being a two-blog reviewer.
Stupid Dialogue, tired stereotypes and over exaggeration of the differences between life in Wyoming and New York City.
As someone who has never being there I must apoligise to any person from Wyoming reading this who or who saw this trash. I'm sure your state is not the cultural wasteland it is depicted as here. There is only 1 cultural Wasteland and it's called Da Wesht Ov Ireland!
Oi I'm standin' outside dis door! Don't mak' me come in dere!
And New York is depicted as an overcrowded, Overpolluted Deathropolis with that "Never Seen The Stars" Speech. If you have a Big Park in the middle of the city and People can see amimals not on plates, then it's hardly Anhk-Morpok, now is it?
In fact, going back to that claim the begining of this DVD, If you want to raise money for the british film Industry, Make a Discworld Film! It's Long Overdue!
That's how bad this film is! I'd rather talk about films that will never happen than this piece of shit!
(Eamonn ejects the dvd that spins and hovers, until it speeds and collides with Eamonn's heart! Darkness seeps out as a transformation slowly creeps across this face. Joe-jack comes in after unlocking the door)
Oi, I DIDN'T LIOKE DEM TINGS YA SAID ABOUT ME HOME YA SHITEHAWK!
(Without turning or any visual movement, Eamonn had grabbed Joe-Jack by the throat, Emitting Black smoke from this mouth and eyes, he threw punches engulfed in flames, not silver flames but actual fire.)
Eamonn...Please....stop...
I. AM. NOT.EAMONN!
TO BE CONTINUED.....!
CREDITS
Did You Hear About the Morgans? was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With music:
Crazy Little thing called Love by Queen, supplied by Vevo.
D.Y.H.A.T.M? Is distributed by Columbia Pictures.
All rights reserved.
Follow me on twitter @SaveusPOE Or Search for TGWTGEamonn
Next Month: Halloween special.
(slurred) I'm locked out of the rest of my house! Where are you?
I'm sorry for (crying)....I HAD TA! YA WOULDN'TDO IT IF I DID ASKYA!
Do what? couldn't you or 80's Lad do it?
We had t'keep it a secret, so we had t'trap ya wif dem dere spiked drinks, it is another another Divil's dvd as bad as leap year and Silent hill but this more potent dan me zombie makin' poteen so it is!
what can be more potent that your zombie Moonshine?
(he pressed play. the screen for Did You hear About the Morgans? play out!
FUCK NO! JOE-JACK, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!!
(this month's theme-Crazy little thing called love-DONE RIGHT!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EE34cSvZCd8
For those who never heard of this film 90% percent of you welcome to the Razzie nominated rom-com bomb that killed off the carears of it's two leads. And considering the 2 leads are Hugh "Pervo" Grant and Sarah Jessica Horse-Face, my least favorite actors, I'm so glad they did!
So lets dig into D.Y.H.A.T.M? The worst film to come out of the worse genre starring the worse actor and actress! (actual Razzie response)
Before I start, Rather than the tired old "You wouldn't steal a car" video that my countrymen Bryne and O'Breen have parodied, we were told this bold claim.
"By buying this dvd, you're helping funding the British Film and Television Industry!"
No wonder ITV are reduced to Towie, "celebrity" shows and Horrid Henry, If the British tv industry pinned their hopes on this!
We open to a blank screen as we hear Paul Morgan (Pervo) trying to ask his ex-wife Merrell (HorseFace) to dinner. We are told early that she is a realter that made the cover of magazine. Remember this.
While Merrell is enjoying her life as a newly-divorced socialite, Pervo is trying to win her back with lavish gifts and gatecrshing her Breast cancer gala.
Hugh probably went there, because it has the word breast in it!
So they go out to dinner the next night. There is also a sub-plot between the Morgans' P.A.s , a Topher Grace stand-in and Natalia Klimas, an actress that looks like the secret love-child of Jennifer Garner and Amy Adams or Jennamy Garnadams as I'll call her from now on! the Sub-plot is an insufferable Everything You Can do/Aww They Really Love Each Other plot! Except without any warmth or tenderness and lots more childish name calling and tazers!
So as the Morgans walk home, It's revealed to the audience that Hugh Grant of all people, was caught with a hooker!
They walk past a house that Merrell sold earlier, as the client falls from the balcony with a knife in his back. The murderer spots the Morgans. Thanks to the plot-point of the Magazine Cover, the Murderer has an idea who she is.
After being targeted at home, the police tells the Morgans that the man murdered was an arms dealer testifying against a Terrorist Hiding in Europe. and as witnesses, they will be put together into a witness Protection Programme.
(facepalming, shaking his head, Laughing)
this is so stupid!
- They are divorced which means the annulment is binding every state! And wouldn't be safer to separate them? They clearly have no children to raise as they will bitch about in every two-hander they will have!
- Horse-Face is a celebrity, who's face is plastered on billboards and a nationally distributed Magazine. SHE WILL BE RECOGNISED!
- Witness protection is only giving to witness when the Defendant is in police Custody. the defendant is an arms dealer in Europe, beyond the FBI's durasiction giving that,
- He is not under American Arrest and
- Using a Hitman to do his dirty work.
TRY AGAIN DUMBASS!
I read Phoenix Wright Fan-fiction with Less Artistic License than this!
So the Idiots are relocated to Wyoming and after complaining about not packing enough clothes, the sheriff pulls over to a Bargain Barn, and cheap clothes are a Culture shock to these Gobshites!
Also the deputies protecting the Morgans are Man and Wive and avid Hunters, something that disagrees with the vegatarian PETA Patron Merrell but it's a Compressed Vice.
Meanwhile back in New york, Not-Topher Grace and Jennamy Garnadams are planted Trackers by the hitman.
Back in Wyoming, the culture shock continues for the spoilt handrared fuckers as Paul is attacked by a bear. The only Doctor in town is a pediactric. Not being guarded Merrell calls an adoption agency to cancel services as her call gets traced.
So the morgans are arguing so much that even the sheriffs wants to get them out of the house. So they teach the morgans to ride a horse and shoot rifles, getting Paul hurt in the process so he must see that the pediatrician again and is offered a lollipop! Merrell let's slip she is an estate agent and becomes the town's self-appointed busybody, this agitates some people when they go out to dinner, when she asks the local toughnut named Earl(Wilfred Brimley) not to smoke.
You don't want to piss off Brimley! He could turn into the Thing and eat your face! Actually, "the Thing eats Perv-o and Horse-face" would be a far better film than this!
The next day, Earl comes up to Paul because he needs a lawyer to draw a will. despite A) How did anyone know he was a lawyer and B) since he is under an assumed alias, any drafts will be under scutiny.
Back in NYC, Gopher#1 call's merrel's tapped number but Gopher 2 kisses her, only to get tazered.
Talk about extreme No-Touchies!
Now we have some real bullshit dialogue. As out in the night sky, Merrell looks at the stars and claims she never seen the real stars before!
You know what? THAT'S BULLSHIT! AND HERE'S WHY! Remember when you were young and had picture books? I'm sure you did. First words of animals in the farm and in the jungle! I First went to Dublin zoo when I was 11 but knew what a lion looked like before actually seeing 1.
What i'm driving at is, not knowing what something looks like is stupid, since we live in an audiovisual world where we know what thinks look like before we ever see them for ourselves.
Also in attempt to get a more high-brow job Horse-face quotes Shakespeare, yeah I doubt that will ever happen. And Reminiscing about there marraige makes them get back together, just as the seperate sites are issued and the hitman touches down in Wyoming.
BECAUSE THE PLOT SAYS SO!
Oh and the reason Merrell wants to have kids is that Paul once nursed a mouse back to heath!
Somewhere a sentient floppy fringe with a tail and whiskers is bribing the other mice for sex with cheese!
So the Morgans are invited to the (only) social event of the year, The Rodeo, as Pervo and Horse-Face dance to a terrible country version of Crazy little thing called love, Sang by who I thought was Rebecca Black! When they discuss getting back together, Merrell confesses to sleeping with someone else during the separation.
"Why" askes Paul.
"WHY?"
WHY NOT?
I Thought what you did when you where divorced was not your ex-spouse's concern. And as you keep drilling in our heads, movie, THEY HAVE NO CHILDREN! So it wouldn't matter even if they did keep in touch!
The next day the assassian arrives as the Morgans bitch and moan about there crappy lives. I really hope the happy ending is them choking on Lead slugs!
Speaking of Which, the assassian has took advantage of everyone being at the rodeo, The morgans escape with the gunman on their trail, Hiding at the rodeo, they have the inspiredly stupid Idea of dressing as a pantomime bull in a Bull-ring. But entire town rushes the assassian and outguns him.
So this turd is covered and flushed when the assassian is arrested, the morgans return with an adoptive child and Not-Topher and Jennamy Garnadams are a couple and have their jobs back. Despite nearly killing their employers!
THIS FILM SUCKS!....But what didya expect? Shakespeare? and hearing Horse-face quote the bard is making me consider being a two-blog reviewer.
Stupid Dialogue, tired stereotypes and over exaggeration of the differences between life in Wyoming and New York City.
As someone who has never being there I must apoligise to any person from Wyoming reading this who or who saw this trash. I'm sure your state is not the cultural wasteland it is depicted as here. There is only 1 cultural Wasteland and it's called Da Wesht Ov Ireland!
Oi I'm standin' outside dis door! Don't mak' me come in dere!
And New York is depicted as an overcrowded, Overpolluted Deathropolis with that "Never Seen The Stars" Speech. If you have a Big Park in the middle of the city and People can see amimals not on plates, then it's hardly Anhk-Morpok, now is it?
In fact, going back to that claim the begining of this DVD, If you want to raise money for the british film Industry, Make a Discworld Film! It's Long Overdue!
That's how bad this film is! I'd rather talk about films that will never happen than this piece of shit!
(Eamonn ejects the dvd that spins and hovers, until it speeds and collides with Eamonn's heart! Darkness seeps out as a transformation slowly creeps across this face. Joe-jack comes in after unlocking the door)
Oi, I DIDN'T LIOKE DEM TINGS YA SAID ABOUT ME HOME YA SHITEHAWK!
(Without turning or any visual movement, Eamonn had grabbed Joe-Jack by the throat, Emitting Black smoke from this mouth and eyes, he threw punches engulfed in flames, not silver flames but actual fire.)
Eamonn...Please....stop...
I. AM. NOT.EAMONN!
TO BE CONTINUED.....!
CREDITS
Did You Hear About the Morgans? was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With music:
Crazy Little thing called Love by Queen, supplied by Vevo.
D.Y.H.A.T.M? Is distributed by Columbia Pictures.
All rights reserved.
Follow me on twitter @SaveusPOE Or Search for TGWTGEamonn
Next Month: Halloween special.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
BOGGER BOX OFFICE SPECIAL:SONIC UNDEGROUND
Hi there, everyone, I'm sure if you came here via a search of "nostalgia critic Sonic underground", You've come to the right place. Sort of. The Bad news is I'm not Doug Walker, I belong to his forum, the good news? After 14 years, Sonic Underground is being reviewed by TGWTG, So what's the problem?
3 years after the aptly named DIC(K) Entertainment cancelled the cult favourite SatAM, DIC's European Studio in France took a shot in creating it's own version of Sonic's already Fractured Multiverse, the Result? A sonic Cartoon that has polarised fans but in true Sega Form, none of S.U.G's characters make an appearance in any game. At least SatAm was to have a game! Don't Believe Me? Behold!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfujuAK9FXA
So this Month, The storyline is on hold. This is a serious analysis of Sonic Underground with Links (when available!) to Important Episodes in 2 seasons, 40 episodes of Sonic's 3rd and last outing as a Western Animation. This is Sonic Underground.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2y2kCEV1fMc
We are off to a good start, the theme is rocky and memorable. It's also where the shock sets in to what's new.
"Triplets born/the throne awaits"
In this alliteration, Sonic has a green brother and a pink sister.
Fanboys are now screaming,
"A Green male and a pink female hedgehog? OH NO! SCOURGE AND AMY ROSE ARE IN THIS! WAIT Amy Rose, Sonic's Stalker with a crush is his Sister in this?...EWWWW!"
Hahaha, No they are new characters, the green is Manic and the pink is Sonia.
Great, new characters, That has always worked well for Sonic in the past(!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YjkMzNTkj6E
The First Episode begins in a Non-French way, with the first episode being an Origin Story. Like all the series episodes, this has Narration by the hedgehogs Mother, Queen Elena. the Story is no different from that of SatAm with a few differences. Robotnik has taken over Mobius but rather than completely Weaponising his citizens and turning the planet into a wasteland, He uses Tax and the financial backing of the Nobility to stay in power, this causes the working class to rebel and fracture in the resistance or the Underworld, Either way the only punishment is Robotisation, no matter what road you take.
The 3 baby Hedgehogs were separated, Sonic living with his Uncle Chuck, Sonia living with Lady Windermere and Manic was Stolen, and then raised by, the Thief Lord Farrell. Because of this all 3 acquired skills that made them unique, which I will get to in the character assessment at the end.
By the Time the Hedgehogs are teenagers, they are visited by the Mysterious Oracle of Delphious, Who tells each the existence of the others. It's thanks to this asshole aardvark that the comfortable lives of Sonic, Manic and Sonia are ruined forever, As the oracle also appears in front of Robotnik and gloats about the Trio's existence. So Robotnik ends episode 1 the cruelest way he knows how. By capturing and robotising the Hedgehog's Uncle and adoptive parents. Our heroes naturally want to save them but Instead Oracle puts them on a quest to find their mother, Citing that this was always going to happen, As their Deaths was part of their Destiny!
I KNOW, WHAT A DICK-MOVE!
You Don't see Anyone in the Lion King say "Simba, Scar killed your Da, BUT HEY! Wouldn't you rather be raised by the Comic Relief?"
As This is a brand new alliteration of Sonic, New enemies are Introduced. As well as Nobles, like Sonia's fiancée Bartleby, in Robotnik's pocket, He has 2 bounty hunters/tax collectors named Sleet (a jackal) and Dingo. Like Scratch and Grounder, they are Bumbling Henchmen, but are also formidable
opponents, as I 'll get to later.
In the Second Episode, the Siblings are given tutors to hone their Skills and reveal new ones. Sonic learns the Speed Dash, Sonia can create tornadoes with her Wonder woman Spin, while manic....Can throw drumsticks!
Later in A Scared Temple, the Oracle, being the wanker he is, Summons a monster as a "Test". While the correct action was to let Manic pick the lock, Sonic's Impulsiveness got them all Killed. The Oracle refuses to teach them further. However the trauma of having their families killed in front of them has bonded the 3. So the oracle says that is their test: of their unity!
So this is where the Oracle reveals the true power of the Medallions they all wear, And Yes I'm getting to why the show is hated. If you don't know what it is. Please read the below paragraph before you learn/remember.
(BEFORE GOING FURTHER, PLEASE TAKE THE TIME YOU COULD USE TO READ THIS PARAGRAPH TO GET A STIFF DRINK BEFORE STARTING AGAIN. LEAVE THE HOUSE A BUY SOME IF YOU DON'T. WHAT'S THAT? YOU DON'T DRINK? YOU POOR BASTARD! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S COMING!)
Sonic Sings.
Badly.
Once every Episode!
The Medallions turn into Musical Instruments which are Weaponised. Sonic has a laser Guitar, Sonia, a keyboard/smoke Machine and Manic has an Earthquake making Drum set. They are also have the new powers as Plot demands of curing Robotisised victims for short periods of time and are empathic with the location of Their Deadbeat Mother.
Oh Yes! I SAID IT!
The Main mission of the Sonic Underground is to recover Queen Elena, Despite doing fuck all for her kids for 10+ years, they cannot defeat Robotnik without her, because...I have no Idea!
Without going through all the episodes and only focusing on Plot-line episodes(As small as the amount is!), the 3 travel across Mobius whenever Elena is spotted, or when Robotnik makes a lunge for power, in their Tourbus!
I Guess they perform on the A-team's methods of incognito!
After Rescuing Trevor, Leader of the resistance, But losing Argus the Queen's Guard to the Robotisizer, returning to their birthplace and foiling a fake wedding, the story continues in episode 9 "tangled webs"
Robotnik has blackmailed a lion called Cyrus to find the resistance stronghold or he'll robotisize Lionel, his father and Inventing Rival to Robotnik. He finds out the Stronghold "sanctuary" is just that, a place for the children of the resistance can be safe. Cyrus has a change of heart, but learns his father was robotisized anyway. and joins the resistance as the hedgehogs personal liaison.
After freeing the people of Tashistan, Lake Valley and Port Mobius, as well as passing the idiot ball between themselves and Bartleby, (each of the 4 where a victim of a trap and needed rescuing in the space of 1 episode each!) the penultimate episode of season 1 had own of its crowning Moments: It was the tv debut of Knuckles!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_fETXISglU
Season 2 Started with 1 of the better episodes, when in Rome, Where that Jackass the Oracle returned and sent the heroes off to a roman era Mobius, without their powers. Using only their natural abilities (which is Bullshit, as Sonic's speed is a Natural Ability, you clearly show a baby Sonic using it in your opening credits!) the Oracle, disguised as a Minotaur, Returns the 3 to Robotropolis.
After falling into traps on a daily basis, as well as finding, and destroying, a magical scroll, What follows are 4 episodes that came from left field.
first the Else-World-esque "Six is A crowd".
With people reeling from this well good episode, what was to follow was a 3-parter that felt like a Satam episode Collectively Dubbed Chaos Emerald Crisis.
However this was the shows peak and for the last 10 episodes it was business as usual, coming no close to finding Queen Deadbeat, the last episode didn't even bring her up!
Sonic Underground will always be remembered as the cartoon that detached itself from the actual storyline, Using an established character and changing the world around him.
Let's finish this with some Character Assessment.
In it's own right, Mobius gets developed. Consider the background art for Adventures (Who-gives-a-shit-Land) and compare to to the diverse Su Mobius. Granted it's cues are all from Earth not any Sonic game, but having different locals gives the adventure some legs.
The Swatbots and Robotisized victims make a return. And I hate their new design. In Satam, the Robotisized Victims look scary as hell, like skeletonised suits of armour, here, they are not even trying put a metal gauntlet, a meg leg a telescopic eyepiece and/or a bulkhead for armour and Bam!, instant heel turn. Even the swatbot look less threatening as they go from basic black to Pink and purple.
Acting as the series Starscream, Sleet is constantly branching out from Dr R and kissing up when caught. Despite this he is a dirty coward, picking on children and rarely getting his hands dirty, and fleeing when his swatbots and Dingo fail.
Dingo is the Dumb Muscle of the Robotnik Regime, who thanks to a remote device by Sleet can turn him into anything, of course being a cartoon the the transformations have a tell as Dingo is the only orange coloured character. This where Sonic own disguises come back to bite him, As no-one seems to question the spate of informants with orange skin wearing purple bifocals with Aussie accents! 1 flaw of dingo is his crush on Sonia, and some faux flirting will distract the lug.
Bartleby, while not evil is seen as more as an annoyance by the hedgehog brothers, and doesn't understand beyond family ties why Sonia would help such "riff-raff". However losing it all during the events of episode 37 Bartleby the Prisoner makes him Join the Resistance. And is never seen again.
Robotnik, while not as vile as his SatAM Counterpart is just as Heartless and capable of vile acts. Such as the sinister and disturbing act of Robotisizing a Baby to commit genocide of the children in Sanctuary. and melting polar ice caps just to kill sonic even if it meant dooming the planet for everyone else. He's composite Character, his adventures voice with his SatAM design. He is still foiled by cartoony methods like Chased by the Boggin in the Oirish-themed RACIST ALARM! Episode 39 and hypnotised by a Fran Dresher-bot (context!)
Now to our heroes.
Queen Elena...has no character development. She is a narrator and a deadbeat mother. Moving on!
Having the least development are Trevor and Cyrus. only so far as they Mission control, meaning that when we see them they give us exposition of what the mission is. Which is far more spy-like and fleshed out than Satam's ATTACK! ATTACK! ATTACK Tactics, here it's diverting supplies or sabotage. This is what my counterparts mean by telling an adult story for children, which they do well when they want to be serious!
One can argue that the Oracle is the real Big bad of the series, playing robotnik and sonic against each other and the player stays on to face him. But I'm probably reading to much into his questionable behaviour, he's more of an Aloof Ally.
Manic's my favourite character. With his skills as a thief, he's the Teams only Badass Normal. He does get jealous of Super Speed, as evidenced in Sonic Tonic. Being Homeless for all his life, he tries to opt to stay in Mobodoon. He also is them most emotionally driven, especially after the nightmarish ending to 3 hedgehogs and baby, He seems that the fight for freedom to it's toll, Until Art's sacrifice Gave him hope. Old habits die hard, as he can't keep his fingers at bay when in Bartleby's company.
Most of the Character Development. goes to Sonia. From being the vain, prissy elitist neat-freak to 1 of the charter members of the Resistance. She falls into the smurfette principle, Getting lots of costume changes and has at least 4 male characters being shipped to her.
Sonic hasn't changed since Satam. He is still cocky arrogant, reckless and easily angered. He learns these lessons here but it feels like he's learning those lessons again after SatAM.
Despite the annoying Songs (though some are catchy), the real gripe of this series is the need to constantly Yank the Dog's chain when it comes to finding the queen. Every time they get close, an attack, Sonic's fear of water or just the writer's stupidity to hammer home an Aesop,gets in the way. One of the biggest FUCK YOU!'s happened early on in episode 15, where Manic fell asleep guarding a magic mirror, when Elena came out and kissed her son and buggered off before he woke. maybe because if he woke or turned to see Sonic or Sonia, She would be a guest on Mobius' version of Maury!
Not finding queen Elena is not their only failing. Given who Robotnik has robotisized in 40 episode the regime has crushed the resistance in statregicly and in the battle. He had robotisized Chuck, Farrell and Lady Windermere thus breaking the hedgehogs spirits and put them on the run. He also robotisized Lionel an inventor thus turning out more robots without needing sleep or food. not to mention robotisizing key members of the resistance like Argus, the queens guard and 6 Resistance leaders. and here's the kicker, he robotisized Titus, a con artist who had the secret of curing robotisization. Clearly robotnik won. and if they could fight back it before the show was cancelled they had the work cut out for them.
However much like what they did to SatAM, Archie comics have discussed an adaptation of Underground though discussions so far with all parties have pushed it into Develepment Hell.
In the end, you can see why Sonic fans don't discuss this cartoon without swearing. as it's Sonic in name only. Though i would like to see the story finalised just so see the pacing issues of the last season catch up on them.
CREDITS
This Special Review was Written, Edited and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham,
With Clips from Sonic Underground
Sonic is Property of Sega, Whilst Sonic Underground is Produced by Cookie Jar (formerly Dic Entertainment)
All clips belong to their respective owners,
All Rights reserved.
NEXT MONTH: THE INFERNAL LODGER PART 2: EAMONN GETS KIDNAPPED, FORCED TO REVIEW DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MORGANS?
3 years after the aptly named DIC(K) Entertainment cancelled the cult favourite SatAM, DIC's European Studio in France took a shot in creating it's own version of Sonic's already Fractured Multiverse, the Result? A sonic Cartoon that has polarised fans but in true Sega Form, none of S.U.G's characters make an appearance in any game. At least SatAm was to have a game! Don't Believe Me? Behold!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfujuAK9FXA
So this Month, The storyline is on hold. This is a serious analysis of Sonic Underground with Links (when available!) to Important Episodes in 2 seasons, 40 episodes of Sonic's 3rd and last outing as a Western Animation. This is Sonic Underground.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2y2kCEV1fMc
We are off to a good start, the theme is rocky and memorable. It's also where the shock sets in to what's new.
"Triplets born/the throne awaits"
In this alliteration, Sonic has a green brother and a pink sister.
Fanboys are now screaming,
"A Green male and a pink female hedgehog? OH NO! SCOURGE AND AMY ROSE ARE IN THIS! WAIT Amy Rose, Sonic's Stalker with a crush is his Sister in this?...EWWWW!"
Hahaha, No they are new characters, the green is Manic and the pink is Sonia.
Great, new characters, That has always worked well for Sonic in the past(!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YjkMzNTkj6E
The First Episode begins in a Non-French way, with the first episode being an Origin Story. Like all the series episodes, this has Narration by the hedgehogs Mother, Queen Elena. the Story is no different from that of SatAm with a few differences. Robotnik has taken over Mobius but rather than completely Weaponising his citizens and turning the planet into a wasteland, He uses Tax and the financial backing of the Nobility to stay in power, this causes the working class to rebel and fracture in the resistance or the Underworld, Either way the only punishment is Robotisation, no matter what road you take.
The 3 baby Hedgehogs were separated, Sonic living with his Uncle Chuck, Sonia living with Lady Windermere and Manic was Stolen, and then raised by, the Thief Lord Farrell. Because of this all 3 acquired skills that made them unique, which I will get to in the character assessment at the end.
By the Time the Hedgehogs are teenagers, they are visited by the Mysterious Oracle of Delphious, Who tells each the existence of the others. It's thanks to this asshole aardvark that the comfortable lives of Sonic, Manic and Sonia are ruined forever, As the oracle also appears in front of Robotnik and gloats about the Trio's existence. So Robotnik ends episode 1 the cruelest way he knows how. By capturing and robotising the Hedgehog's Uncle and adoptive parents. Our heroes naturally want to save them but Instead Oracle puts them on a quest to find their mother, Citing that this was always going to happen, As their Deaths was part of their Destiny!
I KNOW, WHAT A DICK-MOVE!
You Don't see Anyone in the Lion King say "Simba, Scar killed your Da, BUT HEY! Wouldn't you rather be raised by the Comic Relief?"
As This is a brand new alliteration of Sonic, New enemies are Introduced. As well as Nobles, like Sonia's fiancée Bartleby, in Robotnik's pocket, He has 2 bounty hunters/tax collectors named Sleet (a jackal) and Dingo. Like Scratch and Grounder, they are Bumbling Henchmen, but are also formidable
opponents, as I 'll get to later.
In the Second Episode, the Siblings are given tutors to hone their Skills and reveal new ones. Sonic learns the Speed Dash, Sonia can create tornadoes with her Wonder woman Spin, while manic....Can throw drumsticks!
Later in A Scared Temple, the Oracle, being the wanker he is, Summons a monster as a "Test". While the correct action was to let Manic pick the lock, Sonic's Impulsiveness got them all Killed. The Oracle refuses to teach them further. However the trauma of having their families killed in front of them has bonded the 3. So the oracle says that is their test: of their unity!
So this is where the Oracle reveals the true power of the Medallions they all wear, And Yes I'm getting to why the show is hated. If you don't know what it is. Please read the below paragraph before you learn/remember.
(BEFORE GOING FURTHER, PLEASE TAKE THE TIME YOU COULD USE TO READ THIS PARAGRAPH TO GET A STIFF DRINK BEFORE STARTING AGAIN. LEAVE THE HOUSE A BUY SOME IF YOU DON'T. WHAT'S THAT? YOU DON'T DRINK? YOU POOR BASTARD! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S COMING!)
Sonic Sings.
Badly.
Once every Episode!
The Medallions turn into Musical Instruments which are Weaponised. Sonic has a laser Guitar, Sonia, a keyboard/smoke Machine and Manic has an Earthquake making Drum set. They are also have the new powers as Plot demands of curing Robotisised victims for short periods of time and are empathic with the location of Their Deadbeat Mother.
Oh Yes! I SAID IT!
The Main mission of the Sonic Underground is to recover Queen Elena, Despite doing fuck all for her kids for 10+ years, they cannot defeat Robotnik without her, because...I have no Idea!
Without going through all the episodes and only focusing on Plot-line episodes(As small as the amount is!), the 3 travel across Mobius whenever Elena is spotted, or when Robotnik makes a lunge for power, in their Tourbus!
I Guess they perform on the A-team's methods of incognito!
After Rescuing Trevor, Leader of the resistance, But losing Argus the Queen's Guard to the Robotisizer, returning to their birthplace and foiling a fake wedding, the story continues in episode 9 "tangled webs"
Robotnik has blackmailed a lion called Cyrus to find the resistance stronghold or he'll robotisize Lionel, his father and Inventing Rival to Robotnik. He finds out the Stronghold "sanctuary" is just that, a place for the children of the resistance can be safe. Cyrus has a change of heart, but learns his father was robotisized anyway. and joins the resistance as the hedgehogs personal liaison.
After freeing the people of Tashistan, Lake Valley and Port Mobius, as well as passing the idiot ball between themselves and Bartleby, (each of the 4 where a victim of a trap and needed rescuing in the space of 1 episode each!) the penultimate episode of season 1 had own of its crowning Moments: It was the tv debut of Knuckles!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_fETXISglU
Season 2 Started with 1 of the better episodes, when in Rome, Where that Jackass the Oracle returned and sent the heroes off to a roman era Mobius, without their powers. Using only their natural abilities (which is Bullshit, as Sonic's speed is a Natural Ability, you clearly show a baby Sonic using it in your opening credits!) the Oracle, disguised as a Minotaur, Returns the 3 to Robotropolis.
After falling into traps on a daily basis, as well as finding, and destroying, a magical scroll, What follows are 4 episodes that came from left field.
first the Else-World-esque "Six is A crowd".
With people reeling from this well good episode, what was to follow was a 3-parter that felt like a Satam episode Collectively Dubbed Chaos Emerald Crisis.
However this was the shows peak and for the last 10 episodes it was business as usual, coming no close to finding Queen Deadbeat, the last episode didn't even bring her up!
Sonic Underground will always be remembered as the cartoon that detached itself from the actual storyline, Using an established character and changing the world around him.
Let's finish this with some Character Assessment.
In it's own right, Mobius gets developed. Consider the background art for Adventures (Who-gives-a-shit-Land) and compare to to the diverse Su Mobius. Granted it's cues are all from Earth not any Sonic game, but having different locals gives the adventure some legs.
The Swatbots and Robotisized victims make a return. And I hate their new design. In Satam, the Robotisized Victims look scary as hell, like skeletonised suits of armour, here, they are not even trying put a metal gauntlet, a meg leg a telescopic eyepiece and/or a bulkhead for armour and Bam!, instant heel turn. Even the swatbot look less threatening as they go from basic black to Pink and purple.
Acting as the series Starscream, Sleet is constantly branching out from Dr R and kissing up when caught. Despite this he is a dirty coward, picking on children and rarely getting his hands dirty, and fleeing when his swatbots and Dingo fail.
Dingo is the Dumb Muscle of the Robotnik Regime, who thanks to a remote device by Sleet can turn him into anything, of course being a cartoon the the transformations have a tell as Dingo is the only orange coloured character. This where Sonic own disguises come back to bite him, As no-one seems to question the spate of informants with orange skin wearing purple bifocals with Aussie accents! 1 flaw of dingo is his crush on Sonia, and some faux flirting will distract the lug.
Bartleby, while not evil is seen as more as an annoyance by the hedgehog brothers, and doesn't understand beyond family ties why Sonia would help such "riff-raff". However losing it all during the events of episode 37 Bartleby the Prisoner makes him Join the Resistance. And is never seen again.
Robotnik, while not as vile as his SatAM Counterpart is just as Heartless and capable of vile acts. Such as the sinister and disturbing act of Robotisizing a Baby to commit genocide of the children in Sanctuary. and melting polar ice caps just to kill sonic even if it meant dooming the planet for everyone else. He's composite Character, his adventures voice with his SatAM design. He is still foiled by cartoony methods like Chased by the Boggin in the Oirish-themed RACIST ALARM! Episode 39 and hypnotised by a Fran Dresher-bot (context!)
Now to our heroes.
Queen Elena...has no character development. She is a narrator and a deadbeat mother. Moving on!
Having the least development are Trevor and Cyrus. only so far as they Mission control, meaning that when we see them they give us exposition of what the mission is. Which is far more spy-like and fleshed out than Satam's ATTACK! ATTACK! ATTACK Tactics, here it's diverting supplies or sabotage. This is what my counterparts mean by telling an adult story for children, which they do well when they want to be serious!
One can argue that the Oracle is the real Big bad of the series, playing robotnik and sonic against each other and the player stays on to face him. But I'm probably reading to much into his questionable behaviour, he's more of an Aloof Ally.
Manic's my favourite character. With his skills as a thief, he's the Teams only Badass Normal. He does get jealous of Super Speed, as evidenced in Sonic Tonic. Being Homeless for all his life, he tries to opt to stay in Mobodoon. He also is them most emotionally driven, especially after the nightmarish ending to 3 hedgehogs and baby, He seems that the fight for freedom to it's toll, Until Art's sacrifice Gave him hope. Old habits die hard, as he can't keep his fingers at bay when in Bartleby's company.
Most of the Character Development. goes to Sonia. From being the vain, prissy elitist neat-freak to 1 of the charter members of the Resistance. She falls into the smurfette principle, Getting lots of costume changes and has at least 4 male characters being shipped to her.
Sonic hasn't changed since Satam. He is still cocky arrogant, reckless and easily angered. He learns these lessons here but it feels like he's learning those lessons again after SatAM.
Despite the annoying Songs (though some are catchy), the real gripe of this series is the need to constantly Yank the Dog's chain when it comes to finding the queen. Every time they get close, an attack, Sonic's fear of water or just the writer's stupidity to hammer home an Aesop,gets in the way. One of the biggest FUCK YOU!'s happened early on in episode 15, where Manic fell asleep guarding a magic mirror, when Elena came out and kissed her son and buggered off before he woke. maybe because if he woke or turned to see Sonic or Sonia, She would be a guest on Mobius' version of Maury!
Not finding queen Elena is not their only failing. Given who Robotnik has robotisized in 40 episode the regime has crushed the resistance in statregicly and in the battle. He had robotisized Chuck, Farrell and Lady Windermere thus breaking the hedgehogs spirits and put them on the run. He also robotisized Lionel an inventor thus turning out more robots without needing sleep or food. not to mention robotisizing key members of the resistance like Argus, the queens guard and 6 Resistance leaders. and here's the kicker, he robotisized Titus, a con artist who had the secret of curing robotisization. Clearly robotnik won. and if they could fight back it before the show was cancelled they had the work cut out for them.
However much like what they did to SatAM, Archie comics have discussed an adaptation of Underground though discussions so far with all parties have pushed it into Develepment Hell.
In the end, you can see why Sonic fans don't discuss this cartoon without swearing. as it's Sonic in name only. Though i would like to see the story finalised just so see the pacing issues of the last season catch up on them.
CREDITS
This Special Review was Written, Edited and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham,
With Clips from Sonic Underground
Sonic is Property of Sega, Whilst Sonic Underground is Produced by Cookie Jar (formerly Dic Entertainment)
All clips belong to their respective owners,
All Rights reserved.
NEXT MONTH: THE INFERNAL LODGER PART 2: EAMONN GETS KIDNAPPED, FORCED TO REVIEW DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MORGANS?
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