Love actually is shit actually!

BOGGER BOX OFFICE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
(EAMONN'S LINES IN BLACK)
(JOE-JACK'S LINES IN BLUE)
(80'S LAD LINES IN ORANGE)
("SANTA"'S LINE IN RED)

(AN IRISH CITY CENTRE. THE FANTASY, ITS SNOWING.
THE REALITY, ITS RAINING MAKING THE SHOPPERS TENSION BREAK MORE THAN THE PAPER BAGS THAT CAN'T TAKE A DROP OF MOISTURE.)

(HOWEVER TRYING THEIR BEST TO RAISE SPIRITS OF SHOPPERS ARE OUR HEROES, CAROLING IN THE STREET.
                                    Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat,
                                    Please put a penny in the old man's hat.
                                    If you don't have a penny,
                                    A ha'penny will do.....
AND IF YA DON'T HAVE A PENNY, YOUS CAN GO FU-
Hey EAMONN-DUDE, Why you covering Culchie-Dude's mouth?
(sarcastically) AM I?
-YOU'RE STILL DOING IT!
So I Have!(eamonn releases a purple faced joe-jack from the headlock)
Whatever, man! I'm gonna check out some tunage at HMV!

Did 80's Lad say he was going to a music shop?
I Don't know wot ,e says arf da tiome!
We have to stop him. the shock may kill him!

(Our heroes find a shocked 80s Lad in a listening booth with a shocked look on his face. a passer by tells Eamonn that he was listening to Dirty bit by BEP, Flo Rida Spin me Round and Glee's 80's Album

IT'S SO HORRIBLE! SO HORRIBLE HOW CAN ANYONE CANNIBALISE GREAT SONGS LIKE THAT? YOU BASTARDS! BASTARDS!!!1!!
Calm down, 80's lad watch some TV!
(80's lad watches Jersey shore)
IT'S TRUE! MTV DOESN'T SHOW MUSIC! HAS THE WORLD GONE MAD? AAAAAARRRRGGGHH!!!

AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
Merry Christmas everyone! Starting this year and from now on, December's entry into bogger box office will a celluloid coal lump in your stockings! this year we have a big start.

(This months theme-the only good thing from this film, Girls Aloud-jump http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rK7ZhB_m4gc&ob=av2e

Boy, is the film overdue a spanking, but at face value it shouldn't have been that offensive. Our old friend, Hugh Pervo Grant leads an all star cast(and the one from the yogurt ads.) Directed by Richard Curtis who directed four weddings and wrote The Boat That Rocked.

So you have 9 of Britain's biggest stars,a director that gets the best out of Grant, who wrote my favourite film.
How bad can it be?
(sigh)
Pretty bad!
So lets dig into Love Actually and see if it's any good!....Of course not! who's blog do you think your reading?

So the film starts in Heathrow Airport,as Hugh voiceovers that even in an age in a war For oil and Gold against terror, Love is All Around.
We cut to Bill Nighy in a recording studio.
Get use to this random Segueing as we don't have one storyline we have 10.
Storyline 1 sees nighy as Billie Mac, an ageing rock star that is butchering Love is all around. but its actually a new track called CHRISTMAS Is All Around!

In case its wasn't tacked on enough it's Christmas here in London. Colin Firth is late for work in Storyline 2,Liam Neeson in storyline 3 rings up Emma thompson who's daughter's  Nativity play is Storyline 4. The wedding of Kiera Knightley's character is storyline 5. In Downing Street the new Prime Minister arrives in storyline 6, Hugh Grant.

WHAT A TERRIFYING CONCEPT! WHAT'S THE AGE OF CONSENT IN THIS FILMS UNIVERSE? 15? WHAT'S HIS POLICIES? UP WITH SKIRTS, DOWN WITH KNICKERS?
Anyway, his love interest (Martine McCutcheon) is storyline 7

Ah, Martine McCutcheon, the Reason this film tanked, everyone else involved has won Baftas and she doing ads for Yogurt. Abysmal Actress in Abysmal soap Eastenders, turned one-(s)hit wonder pop star, to Z-LIST Lad mag covergirl, to as mention spokes woman for a certain German Yogurt Brand.

Almost forgotten about is nude model,Julie(Joanne page) in storyline 8.

So the Film starts proper in storyline 5, where as after taking her vows Juliette(Knightley) See's her guests flash mob into a orchestra.

Now in 2, Jamie (Firth) returns to find his wife has cheated on him with his brother. Back at the wedding That Ginger Twat from My Family plays Colin who plans to go to America to Pull Birds in storyline 9.

Meanwhile the funeral of Neesons wife is the introduction proper in storyline 3. Meanwhile in an office building, Sarah (Laura Linney) confesses to Harry(Alan Rickman) that she is love with their boss. Harry is also having an affair with his secretary. so Office Affairs are storyline 10.

Back to storyline 1, Billy being interviewed by a DJ (Played by stand-up Marcus Brigstock) Billy's brutal honesty about his turd of a record, makes his manager very unhappy

Storyline 6 and PM Pervo Government is planning to welcome it's Daddy, the American President. A joke of who Hugh has to fuck for a cuppa, reveals McCutcheon as his P.A.

Ha, jokes on you, audience! if women evolved pedals, grant would ride them in seconds flat!

Back in 8, Julie is Discussing the Prime Minister....During a sex scene! is the act that bad that she would rather discuss politics? I know must women spare guys  feelings by faking it!

10 and rickman has his secretary coming on to him.

3+4 intertwine as neeson and Karen (Thompson) help his son over the death his mother. So Karen tells Neeson to talk to his son who reveals he is in love with a girl from  school.

10, and Sarah confronts her boss, but flakes.

2, and Jamie goes to France when his marriage breaks down and to work on his novel. In 7, PM Pervo is chatting up Natalie (McCutcheon)

Storyline 3 now as Neeson gives his 8-year son (Charlie Highmore) romance tips.
BBBBZZZT!
The Correct response is to say "go kick a ball, like every other boy your age!"

Back in 1, Billy Mac is on Cd:uk (remember that show?) and insults the boyband blue by Graffitizing "we have tiny dicks!" on their merch!

5 and Juliette wants the wedding video from the best man. the best is the porn director in the act museum that Julie works at.Clearly something good will come from this(!)

Storyline 10 and Harry's assistant recommends the Museum for their office party, flirting again with Snape.

Back at 2, Jamie has a new assistant that cannot speak English. The awkwardness is somewhat of a precursor to the King's Speech.
Back at Hugh Grant's Downing Street Love Palace, the U.S President has arrived and hits on Natalie , who is (supposed to look) shocked by this.

Yeah You Suck at This Whole Acting Thing, Dontcha, Martine?

At the Press Conference,PM Pervo tells the prez that Britain is not America's Bitch! To much fanfare by the press. Its revealed that Karen is Pervo's sister, who is married to harry.

This segues into THAT scene from this film.the scene of Hugh Dancing to Jump by the pointer sisters. its pointless and not funny.

Meanwhile in 2, Jamie is still running head first into the Language Barrier. When pages of his manuscript blow onto a lake, the assistant strips to her underwear to get them after they break down the barrier to talk about the book.

Back at 5. Juliette discovers the best man is in love with her.

Back at 6, David(Hugh) fires Nat to spare the feelings for her.
Feelings for her?
all during this film Natalie has being too thick to work that you like her!

Storyline 3 now and Neeson teaches his son about romance this segues to...a Scene from Titanic?

THANK YOU, SWEET JESUS! They must have burned titanic on to the disc by accident.
(Scene reveals itself to be Neeson and Highmore watching Titanic)
NONONONO!!!! GO BACK TO THE GOOD FILM! I WANT THE GOOD FILM AND NOT (crying) THIS PIECE OF SHIT!

Back in 2, Jamie returns to England. In 1, Billy's video is a ripoff of addicted to love. Highmore sees this and becomes a musician to impress the girl. Rickman is finally seduced in 10. Sarah finally beds her boss and its revealed Sarah has a suicidal brother. This is a ruse to make Linney's Character more likable.

IT DOESN'T WORK!
Storyline 4 and 10 and Harry is buying a necklace for his paramour, but Rowan Atkinson's viscosity in packing it only make Karen think the necklace is for her.

Some of the lesser storyline end. first Colin goes to America and pulls birds, Billy becomes number1, The nude models become an item,Jamie returns to France, Sarah and Carl sever all ties, and the best mans feeling remain unrequited.

P.M.Pervo gets a Christmas card from Natalie who promptly goes knocking on every door on her street, to find her.Driving to the Nativity in the Merged Climax, Ending Highmore performance by kissing on stage. Karen and Harry argue about the affair.

So the film ends with all the cast meeting at Heathrow.

Because this film has 10 storylines, i will be judging them separately.

THE BILLY MAC STORYLINE DIDN'T SUCK!
....Apart from Nighy singing! However, as the self deprecating aging rocker he was quite endearing.

THE JAMIE STORYLINE DIDNT SUCK!
Colin firth again gave a great performance as the heartbroken writer who found love again. the scenes where tender and the Fun With Subtitles from the Portuguese assistant was hilarious.

THE NEESON STORYLINE SUCKED!
If you thought it was a family learning to cope without a parent....wrong it was about Neeson teaching an 8-year about the birds and bees.

THE NATIVITY STORYLINE SUCKED!
...They Didn't go into why the Play had a nautical theme. But I can only guess it was Political Correctness Gone MAD!

THE WEDDING STORYLINE DID'NT SUCK!
I love the musical set piece of the congregation becoming an orchestra to play all you need is love.However it tanked by becoming a tale of unrequited love with that guy from teachers. However given it's shortness, it was unoffensive.

THE PM AND NATALIE STORYLINES SUCKED! AND SUCKED HARD!
As i said McCutcheon blew her chance to world stardom in this film. And the fact that Pervo got top billing this was the storyline.

THE NUDE MODELS STORYLINE SUCKED!
Not so much storyline as running commentary to what we just saw. Joanna Page isn't that attractive naked (though Your Mileage May Vary) and her voice is grating.

THE COLIN IN AMERICA STORYLINE SUCKED!
At least the other stories were about love and not lust. this story also had the most stereotypical dumb Yanks since Amy Adams went to Ireland  in Leap Year: THE MOST RACIST FILM EVER MADE!

THE OFFICE AFFAIRS STORYLINE DIDN'T SUCK!
Thompson and Rickman have amazing chemistry, and though this film had a Downer ending. Staying together for the sake their children is more believable  than the leader of Britian knocking on every door in London to find love interest oblivious to his advances.

So despite having 4 storyline that were great or funny,
THIS FILM SUCKS!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
NO REFUNDS!
(Later That Night, a figure in red magically appears in the Enlightened Towers' green room.this wakes up 80's Lad, who was waiting for Santa)
SANTA?
WHAT are you dyslexic or something?
("Santa" punches 80's with what looks like a wing, leaving a present for eamonn.)

A COPY OF SEX AND THE CITY 2 WITH THE MESSAGE WRITTEN IN BLOOD...


DO NOT OPEN TIL FEBRUARY 12TH!

CREDITS
Bogger box office Christmas review written, compiled and edited by Eamonn Bermingham.
with music by Girls aloud.
Love Actually is released by warner brothers
and Girls aloud link is courtesty of vevo.
All clips belong to their respected owners.
Follow me on youtube at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment

Eamonn and Joe-jack argue about who reviews the general

(EAMONN'S LINES IN BLACK)
(JOE-JACK'S LINES IN BLUE)
(BECAUSE JOE-JACK IS REVIEWING THIS MONTH, AS POETIC LICENCE, ALL SPELLING MISTAKES ARE INTENTIONAL

Hello and welcome to Bogger box office. We have an exciting review this month and....
(Eamonn is interrupted by a Tractor that runs through the wall of the studio. With a leap, Joe-Jack lands on Eamonn, hitting him repeatedly with a stale Black Pudding.

NOW YOU LISSEN AND LISSEN GUD, YA MAD HOOER YA! I'M SICK OV YA TAKING OVA MY INTERWEBS! I DON'T KARE IF MY SPELLIN'Z IS WRONG, I JUST WANTZ ONE REVIEW THAT ISN'T SOME FILLIUM ABOU' A CARTOON OR VID-JOE GAME. IZ DAT TOO MUCH T'ASK?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfNzi2udApA
Joe-Jack, You should have said something, of course you can review this film. And its a special treat this month.We are looking at a film that won the Palm D'or at Cannes in 1998. that film is the general.
Tell dese people abou' da legend dat iz da General.
Legend? You're not one of those people that supported Cahill? Martin Cahill was an Irish crime-boss, a small-time burgular until he and his gang robbed O'Brien's and the Beit Collection.It May be written as a black comedy, but Cahill was a vicious thug and bigamist that used force, torture, castration and cruxifiction to get his way.
Da Fillium starts in 1994 as dis iz da year The IRA Shot Cahill dead.
And as the scene is rewound, Cahill's (Brendan Gleeson) life flashes before his eyes.
We start in Martin's childhood. Him and his bro'hers have stolen groceries and are chased be Gards. but the tenement-dwellers attack the gards and Martin has stolen to provide for his family.
But one night, Martin over-reaches himself by stealing a pig and gets caught, beaten,sent to the Christian Brothers and Abused. we jump 20 years to him in prison.
His wife, Francis tells Martin that the County Council is evicting his family.
On his way out, Martin returns home to see the Gards, flanked by Sargeant Kenny(Jon Voight) taking families from their homes.
Martin holds a protest as he plans to sue Dublin for breach of human rights. To which they answer by burning his caravan.
Forced to move to his sister in law/second wifes house, Martin does Christmas shopping Grinch-Style!
Frances and Tina find a suitable house but its £80,000! Martin scrapes up the money, gets a cheque and resteals the money a minute later!
So martin gets the house but also an unwelcome visitor, a Police Surveilence Unit

Next scene and Martin robs an arcade but gets caught, It's this where he gets a revealation, he is sick of being small time. If the Cahill Gang are going down, it might as well be for something big. Martin wants to steal from O'Connors Jewellers, a place so fortified, not even the IRA with its firepower could steal from it.
But Martin reveals he has an inside man in the jewellers.
The next day the forensic expert in the court case gets attacked by a car-bomb but survives.

The Trial is on the way,And Martin is beaten by gards to get a confession. Beaten and Bruised, he and Noel Curley(Adrian Dunbar) case the near-fortress that is O'Connors.

Cahill's Thug Gary is ordered to shout abuse to cause a mistrail. A cut away scene shows Martin breaking into a library, reading law books while hanging of a rope!
Martin and his gang Steal from o'connors first by posing as electricians but disarms the alarms. then performs an audacious smash and grab stealing a reported 2 million in gold and jewels. Because of his military style planning, Gary gives martin the name he became known as-the General!

Knowin' dat da Arcade worker will not be threatened by Martin, Because the Larceny Act. Cahill is acquitted.
 It is a huge Gambit that pays of for the General! However there is a problem. The only people wanting to buy the gold is the London Underground. So Cahill, a pigeon enthusiast in life hires Jimmy, a fellow racer in his gang. to smuggle the gold. problem solved!
....Until 1 ov da gold bars iz missing. and Cahill will have no traitors in his gang.
So Jimmy is splayed on a pool table and cruxified on it!
A meeting with da 'Rah goes wrong. Dey wantz half da gold but Cahill refuses, so da Rah convinces people dat Da Cahill gang are Drug dealers. And while dere neighbours think buyin' stolen gear is grand, dey draw da line at drug dealers!
To convince Corcerned Parents Against Drugs,Martin forms Concerned Criminals Against Drugs,saving Noel from eviction and getting his help for what was considered the crime of his career; The Stealing of the Beit Collection from the National Gallery.
Brilliant, So it was!
No it was'nt! They grabbed the paintings while the elderly Guard asleep! They might as well have said YOINK! as they Grabbed the paintings!

But with da paintings in bad shape, and policitions, Da Rah and rival Gangs wantin' his head, Martin gets a  heart attack!
Desparate and with his men gone, Martin sells the paintings to British Loyalists, making him a marked man for the IRA.
A paranoid general has nothing now. Everything bought with the money is taken, destroyed or corrupted. Da house iz surrounded be Gards, his friends are gone, the gang thinks he took the shilling, and his pigeons dead.

And to wrap it up, the Cahills celebrate the Gards leaving, only for the Ira to shoot Cahill the next day.

After Da commitments, The General is the Greatest film produced in Ireland. Gleeson is terrific as the wise-cracking crim, thanks to John Boorman's sharply written script. Special mention goes to Jon Voight convincin' Irish accent, and Sheamus Deasy black and white filmography. Track down this fim while you can.

CREDITS
Review of the General, written, edited and compliled by- and also writting as Joe-Jack by Eamonn Bermingham http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
with music by Van morrison

The General is owned by Warner Brothers
all music used belong to its respected owners. 

Halloween special Dragonball Evolution

(EAMONN'S REVIEW IN BLACK)
(JOE-JACK'S LINE IN BLUE)
(80'S LAD LINE IN ORANGE)
(?????? LINE IN RED)

....THE STORY SO FAR.....
FOR ALMOST A YEAR NOW, SOMEONE HAS BEING TRYING TO KILL OUR HEROES AND CLAIM EAMONN'S POWERS. BEING SAVED BY AN OUIJA BOARD MARKER, EAMONN NOW FINDS HIMSELF HOLED UP IN JOE-JACKS HOUSE IN BUTT-CRAIC, WEST OV IRELAND.

Do you have the board?
Ya, but oi wantz t'remin'ya dat dis iz a bad idea. Fer da last 2 years my house haz being attacked be Zombies?
DUDE! Didn't your moonshine turn those people into zombies?
GET OV MY LAND! *GUNSHOT*

FINE LETS GET THIS DONE!
(Placing the marker on the board, its speeds by its own power and intention spelling out a message.
IN 7 MONTHS THE TRAIN WILL ARRIVE. ONLY ONE TICKET WILL BE GIVEN!
(And with that the marker vanishes in a blinding flash of light.)

AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!

If you were here last month, you'll remember me talking about Avatar fanboys that went crazy after TLAB.
Well this month we have a bigger disapointment of a film.

Dragonball.
we didnt have it in ireland, as it was deemed to violent for a cartoon.And it would come to no suprise that film will not trigger nostalgia at all.

However. the film clips have being spliced online with old TGWTG members review but never properly reviewed by them so submitted for your viewing curiousity, here is a proper review of Dragonball: Evolution.

We are told that Picollo, an evil demon was defeated by warriors and placed into an urn in the centre of Earth, while his cohort, Ozaru disapearred.

Goku, who is no longer a muscular badass with a monkey tail, is now a teenager with The Gulf of Mexico worth of oil in his hair in modern day america. After sparing with his granfather he is given a dragonball for his birthday.
Meanwhile in china a hot chick in a catsuit steals a second dragonball for her master, Picollo (James "spike" Marsters) who escaped from his prison off-screen and because the plot says so!

After Grandad tells goku that collecting the 7 dragonballs will give that person a wish, Goku leaves for chi-chi's party, beating up the least threathening bullies ever.

So Grandad dies fighting off Picollo who tells goku to seek a Master Roshi. Going through his stuff he finds a gi, when suddenly he is attacked by Bulma (Emmy Rossum). Bulma has a dragonball and is doing research into turning it into a renewable energy source.Joining forces, they head to Pahzuuu to find roshi. sensing a dragonball, they break into a house where goku is attacked by an old man with lumbago, who promptly kicks the World's Mightiest Heroes ass! This is Master Roshi(played hammingly by Chow Yun Fat)

Meanwhile piccolo dries up a lake to retrieve a 4th dragonball.

Our heroes arrive at the stone temple. where Chi-chi and other fighters a training for a tournament. the 3 get caught in a pit trap by a bandit named Yanthau. Roshi gives us a story recap, then bribes yanthau, who just so happens to have excatvation gear with him, find the 5th dragonball in a lava plume, but piccollo dispatches xenomorphs made from his own blood to seize it.But when they grab it, Catsuit Girl is on the attack. Goku has a vision of his friends dying.

Roshi tells Goku to go Tai-sa, seeking a container to seal piccollo in, while Catsuit girl steals Chi-chi's DNA.

Roshi teaches goku the trademark kamehameha, but since goku is not a badass, he fails miserably, until chi-chi gives him the power of love speech and he succeeds. meanwhile Chi-clone steals the dragonballs and kills Goku, until roshi brings him back.

It's the final battle,Piccollo has all 7 balls, summoning the dragon temple, but a collision makes our heroes lose the Rice Cooker, and piccolo a dragonball.

In a twist, goku is actually picollo's servent,ozaru, and one by one kills his male friends, but Roshi uses his last bit of strength to turn Ozaru into goku. And yanthau had a disney death, and kills catsuil girl.

So lets wrap this up.
Goku kills Piccollo, Goku wishes roshi's life back, the dragonballs are scattered once again. And Goku and Chi-chi have a play fight that ends in a freeze-frame.

THIS FILM SUCKS!
But wait...i'm sorry theres more as a woman tends to a wounded Picollo.

Okay, is that it? No more false finishes? Are we good? Right, where were we? oh yes.....
THIS FILM SUCKS!
The story is confusing, the charectors are one dimensional,The twist would have being shocking if we cared. Goku is an idiot, Marthesters' Piccolo spends his screen time snarling at the camera. The only good thing about this film are the performances by Chow yun fat and Emmy Rossum. and for the latter,this film is better for her career than singing with a tone deaf Gerard Butler!

ONSLAUGHT ON THE GATES OF HELL: EAMONN REVIEWS AVATURD: THE LAST AIRBENDER

(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
SINCE SEX AND THE CITY,THE PAIN JUST KEPT ON COMING, A RACIST FILM, A COMA, A PITCHED BATTLE IN A SUPERMARKET, SUPERPOWERS AND THE DEVIL CLAIMING THEM AS HIS OWN.)

Hi Guys! everyone requested that i should review this film and understandably so, as a saw a Youtube video of fanboys angrily deriding this film. and there is no greater joy than watching a man my age who went to the trouble of shaving his head and drawing an arrow on it,crying!

And i know what your going to say,
"But eamonn, you promised never to review a film that the TGWTG team has done. Didn't Angry Joe review this film?
 To which I answer
Who's Angry Joe?

So lets dig in, or rather rush blindly into a film based on a cartoon i never heard of, The last Airbender.

This will also be the World Record Attempt for the most Counterculture references in one review.

So the film Starts opens with people performing tai-chi to make shit shoot out of there hands. We are given a prologue.
"The Four Nations: Fire,water,air and earth lived in harmony."

There was a heart nation, but they were all pussies!
We are also told of the Avatar, the only one that can use the power of all the elements, who disappeared a 100 years ago.

Cut to a snowy terrain, where Kitara and her brother suka are hunting for food. when cracking ice, they reveal a boy and a giant Buffalo, Bringing the boy home, the village is attacked by the Fire nation, flanked by Prince Tsuko(Slumdog millionaire star, dev patel). Believing the avatar to be an old man, the prince capture all the elderly but seeing the tattoos on the boys head captures him instead.

Vowing to rescue the Boy, Zuka and Kitara discover that the Mamoswine can fly
Who uploaded that HM?

On the Fire Boat, The fire nation conduct a test on the boy he draws a flames towards himself, makes spilt water form a perfect circle, and cause a stone to stand on it side.

At the camp, Kitara's gran gives long exposition. Here's the gist the boy is the last of his kind, he is also the Avatar, who can speak to the spirit world, the Fire Nation Rebelled since they are technologically advanced didn't want to ruled by spirit so they killed all the air monks to become rulers of their own destiny.

So Chinese Guys in RED SHIRTS KILLED MONKS AND BECAME A DICTATORSHIP AND INDUSTRIAL SUPERPOWER?
If that is not a jab on Red China, i don't know what is!

So the boy escapes his cell when it is revealed his staff is a glider when Tsuko says this piece of stupidity.
"You can't Run!"
His staff is a hang-glider, You dumb Shit! What the fuck do you think is going to happen?

So Zuka, Kitara and the boy revealed to called Aang (which is mispronounced as Ong in this film.) Go to the air nation where they are met with ruin and sketonised remains! Kitara tells Aang he was frozen for 100 years. this causes the boy to go into a rage that sends his to the Spirit world, where he talkes to a CGI Dragon Head. Kitara's voice is enough to bring the boy back to reality.

Cut to the Fire nation, as he learn that Tsuko is hunting the avatar as his father has banished him for being to soft, so he destroys his combat instructors with Hadokens

Our villain ladies and gentlemen, a spoilt brat with Dada issues!

In the Earth nation our heroes and a earth bender are arrested. I should explain that not all the people are able to perform magic and are treated with paranoia and those who can are sent to Concentration Camps

Wait, war, Thinly veiled jabs at China, Concentration camps? and all this from a cartoon that's targeted at 7-10 year olds? Right....

Aang angered by this, reveals his identity and rallies the earth benders to rebel, However he tells the others that he can only control air and ran away because he wanted a normal life. He must go to each nation starting with water to learn its style.

In a fire colony, tsuko reveals that he was banished because his father drafted young boys into the army. Protesting this, his father burnt his face.

So add Torture and Corporal Punishment to the crap getting pass the the radar.

Aang is getting stronger while praticising water techniques he floods an entire lake while kitara the supposed Water bender can only muster bubbles. this makes aang remember his now dead friends so he goes to the remaining air temple in all of.....Namenotmetioned!

So the Avatar is lured into a trap, but has a vision where the dragon head tells him to go to the Water City and...wait!
Weren't they going to the water city anyway?
God no wonder he ran away he couldn't deal with Dragons and shit being Captain fucking obvious!

Aang is interrogated by Commander Jar, who deducts that aang can only air-bend. Meanwhile as jar is giving a speech a guy dressed as Afro Ninja rescues the boy.
that'll improve this film!
Samuel L Jackson!
I wonder if he'll ask if the Avatar "looks like a bitch?"
It turns out to be Tsuko in disguise and Aang unwittingly rescues him.

While the fire ship catches fire (duh!) Aangs Mamoswine uses Surf to get to Narnia!

While at the water city, aang and kitara learn water bending. and zuka falls for the princess in the space of one scene, but soot snowing down tells that the fire commies are here and what does the avatar do?
he hides to meditate by a lake, Meanwhile tzuko and kitara have montonous fight where hadoukens are blocked by water powers.but gets blindsided. Aang is captured again but the Dragon chastistes him for letting the monks die but tells him to Let The Guilt Go!
http://www.youtube.com/watchv=e5gjoTBmfo=av2e

So what is your sage advice oh mighty spirit?
Use the ocean, show the fire nation the power of water!

so beat fire with (gasp) water
That's Inspired(!)
Got to write that down(!)

Meanwhile, kitara casts a Cone of Coldness on Tzuko, Jar plans to kill the moon spirit to weakness the water power. and moon spirit is a fish in the lake aang was meditating by.

So a great and powerful spirit is a fucking fish? anyway the death of a bloody fish is enough to down aang, the princess and turn the moon red.

But the princess gives her life-force to become the new Moon spirit. Anyway jar is drowned the the fire armada is defeated by aangs tidal wave.

And the film ends with the firelord babbling about a comet and hiring his daughter to take out Aang in a bit of sequel bait.

YOU WANTED ME TO REVIEW IT!
THIS FILM SUCKS!

While i cant see it fair to make fun of the young cast. the real problem is SFX over Charector Development. and it ruin what could have being a good story. While i never sat down and watch this cartoon, and it was giving the Kiss Of Death, An Irish Translation. but Zukos romance went into more detail and kitara jealousy of aang wasnt even touched upon. Too much money was thrown on this!

(Eamonn is distracted by an air raid siren that summons an Air Screamer that flies at him but the creature is destroyed by a blinding light. opening his eyes an Ouija marker falls into his hand.)

I think someone wants to talk to me.
NEXT MONTH: DRAGONBALL EVOLUTION!

CREDITS
Review was written, compiled and edited by Eamonn Bermingham
with music by Korn.
The last airbender is property of Paramount studios
and Avatar:The Legend of Aang is property of Nickelodeon
Follow me on youtube or request films for Februrary at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment

Eamonn reviews RV Runaway vacation

This months theme
Chris rea Road to hell- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RIAUTvBOo

Hi Guys today i'm going back to basics. No story recap just me reviewing a film as myself. Why? because next month i'm kicking it off big style to review The Last Air-bender.

But before we feast on Avaturd, We wet your appettite with a film with a washed up 80s icom in a family film about camping with as much fun as the kids screaming "are we there yet?"
R.V: RUNAWAY VACATION!

Before i start i wanted to show you the dvd cover but the address was too long. so type in rv dvd cover in google images and you'll find what i was looking for.

Here we see Robin Williams trying to stop the emponymus RV from crashing to the ground, and a few feet away from the family in the background, the caravan is a crashing at a 45 degree angle and williams is at the windscreen, as the family look on in disbelief. even the face of cheryl Hines says it all as to say "Seriously How the Fuck is that Possible?"

Hell even the dvd art needs a mention as it looks like the four mains are trapped in the Phantom Zone!

So the film starts in flashback as Bob (Williams) is playing Sock Puppets and doing the worst Stallone impression Possible. After that scene that is so sweet my eyes have Diabeties, Welcome Reality, as his now teenage Daughter (now played by JoJo Levesque) are at loggerheads because she doesn't want to be seen with him.

Hey Lady, If i was Kid to Jacob the liar, i would gladly wear a Cody Rhodeth paper bag.

You remember JoJo right? you don't? she sang this!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggWyUEvGcWY
Safe to say, this film killed her Career.

So Bobs family is going to a dinner party run by his prickish boss
so to we recap:
Robin Williams
Rebellious Daughter
Jackass
and we are 10 minutes in.
Expect something WACKY! to Happen and by WACKY!, I mean Shit that wouldn't happen in real Life!

And true Enough Cassy(Levesque)'s Fat friend calls todd a pollutor and throws paint at him. paint she wasn't holding in the shot beforehand.

So the family holiday to hawaii is postponed by Todd, who tells Bob to go to a meeting Colarado otherwise he is fired and will be sued. why not sue the girls family that threw the paint at your since she was a guest, and not family member?

HELLO LOGIC ARE YOU THERE?

So as you guest from the title, Bob Hires a RV to his meeting in Colardo, masquerading as his holiday, as Bitching and WACKINESS! Ensue and that is the plot to RV!

Have you a headache too? I suggest either take an asprin the SIZE OF A BRICK for your head or an Actual Brick to your head because the pain will keep on coming!

You know the main story is gonna hurt when the main charector cannot drive the plot device properly. fast forward will be your friend. the punchline is cassy getting covered by salad.
Quick! Grab my sides! they're splitting!

So the family camp out for the night but the rv needs to be hooked to the mains.
Gee, I wonder if he will get an electric shock?

no something more funny is going to happen.
The septic tank needs emptying.
THAT'S RIGHT WE HAVE TO RELY ON SCAT HUMOUR TO RAISE A CHUCKLE!

And to make it as stupid as possible, a whole bunch of piss-taking hillbillies to make fun of bob taking care of his tank. this ends as the hillbillies cheer as a geyser of shit hits Robin Williams

Thankfully A man named Travis (jeff Bridges) saves bob.

next bob is trying to cook dinner as his family stand like mannikins, they decide to eat Travis' RV

Travis introduces the Monroes to his family, The Gonichies, where the childern fall for each other,
and travis reveals his family is the one thing that could make this film more annoying.
A Family christian Rock Band!
FAST FORWARD BUTTON!

Next scene, bob sneaks out to the toilet, as one of hillbilly childern see him on the computer, but bob can't send an email in the dessert. so bob tries to get away from the hillbillies. But are stuck in a traffic jam, stopping at a petrol station, Bobs computer get stolen by a hitchhiker who hitches a ride with the Gonichies.

In Utah, Bobs Oven gets infested with raccoons, with other 3 again stand pretending they know how to act, Bob gets his ass handed to him.

Meanwhile the hillbillies realised that the computer is bob's. kicking the hitchhiker out they vow to give computer back, oblivious to the fact the monroes don't like them.

So Bob uses a stinkbomb to get rid of the raccoons, but they must now sit outside for 6 hours in the rain.Karl climbs a foam stone pillar. and falls onto a thinly disguised Waterslide after landing in front of restaurant, the family starts laughing!
haaahhaaaahhaaaa... They realised this film is the worst film Williams was in since Bicenteninal man.

Next day the Hillbillies return to return Bobs Laptop, but the monroes ditch the annoyingly perky family. so the Hillbillies do the most logical thing Possible.

Shoot the windscreen with paintguns!
What...... kind .......logic....person.....drugs....WHAT MADE YOU THINK THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA?

Anyway they arrive in colorado where Bob Feigns stomach flu to attend his meeting which  is a success. Such a success that todd want another speech from Bob. So when the rv Drives into A lake, Bob Blurts about the meeting and the family naturally is upset.

Okay i'm sick of this film so lets end this!
Bob Blows the meeting,his kids attack Todd, The Soda factory owner offer Bob a job only for the rv to crush their car, and the credits show use that the monroes and the gonickies become a two family travelling band.

THIS FILM SUCKS!
The rv in his film is nicknamed the Big Rolling Turd! Thats what this film is. Suspension of Disbelief is peppered with continuity errors, Horrid support casting and scat jokes. Avoid this film!

CREDITS
Review was written, Edited and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham.
Containing music by
Jojo
Stephen rea
Rv Runaway vacation is produced by Columbia
all clip footage linked to belong to there respected owners.
Follow me on Youtube at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
Or to request a review for janurary.

Next month:THE LAST AIR BENDER!

the crap filliums ov Drew Barrymore:Lucky You

(JOE-JACK IS REVIEWING THIS MONTH,SO AS POETIC LICENCE, ALL SPELLING MISTAKES ARE INTENTIONAL)
(EAMONN'S LINE IN BLACK)
(JOE-JACK REVIEW IN BLUE)
THE STORY SO FAR....
Eamonn must rue the day he reviewed Leap Year. A mysterious coma, a pitched battle in a supermarket ending with him gaining a superpower, the Hadou-Kara Punch. and an evil force with demons in its employ that will stop at nothing to gain the power...
...and it seems they are not above killing him to get his hands on it!

(Joe-Jack sees Eamonn hunched on the floor, crying)
Aw yer big gurlz blouse! why yer cryin'?
I CAN'T DO IT!
-Do wot?
I can't do two Barrymore films back to back....YOU DO IT!...Youre always your the film critic around here...Critique this film! I'm out of here!

So...Yah!
Oi'm doing dis review on MY blog, say d'yer know wot time it iz?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSwDq_x5p8
YAAAAOOOOW!
ITS HAPPY HOUR AGAIN, SO IT IS!


Today's fillium is proof dat not everything in vegas is cool like Elvis,magic shows and Tom Jones.


Sometimes dey make rom-coms wif Drunk-o an' Da Incredible Hulk in dem!

So lets dig intah Sucky you -i mean lucky you-sorry right da first tiome!

So the fillium starts in Skid Row-
-yes. yes we are.
-as Eric Bana's charector Huck entahs a pawn shop to sell a camara t'raise money t'entah a poker tourney. He also appraises his mothers ring
PLOT ITEM!

So Huck is a poker hustler as well has his dad Elsie (Robert Duvall). but it is elsie that had real success...at the expense ov his son.

so while watching a volleyball game, huck mets Billie(Drunk-o) and introduces himself by spliting her from her boyfriend.
Our hero, ladies and gentleman, a lying scumbag in a film genre where dey r cruxified!
...but her sister(debra messing) wards the hustler ov.

so huck wins a tournament but then his dad comes in and not only wins his sons winning but the redeem ticket for the ring.

next day huck asks money from friends but no joy.So he tricks billie to give him money and they hustle as she only has $19 

So huck teaches billie poker, which also serves as exposition t'dose who don't play,Elsie comes in with Da New Wife, who rubs in da fact he now has the McGuffin.
next scene and for dose who barely survived music and lyrics in january will be sad to hear dat drew speds her screen-time singing in dis fillium too.

So more exposistion as huck tells Billie that elsie took everything his mother owned. ignoring fact that his own house is bare bar a bed for GETTING IT ON!

Next day and billie confronts Huck on stealing money(rather than filliuming it. and billie leaves vegas
HOOORRAY!

but she returns next scene.
Dahmmit!

After being misdrawn out of a qualifier, a friend gives up his spot.

To raise more money, huck and billie foolishly take a bet to play game of golf in 5 hours and in 80 strokes. but billies honesty cost him the bet.

so realising that hard work is the key,he sells the mcGuffin to elsie for chips and qualify


Tiome to put spuds on.
Billie returns to vegas, huck folds with aces and elsie loses outright, with a new sense of humidity,huck and Elsie play a friendly game. And huck and Billie kiss after regaining the McGuffin ring 

Dis fillium isn't bad, just boring! Bana has all the emotion of a shop dummy and cameos of poker stars all give wooden performances.

 IT DOESNT GET AN A RATING FER AWFUL, IT GETS A B-RATING FER BORING!

(An Air Raid siren sounds as a red mist covers the room Eamonn is in. A demon in the form of Drunk-o attacks eamonn but falls on its drunk face.)
"ow!"
-Hey drew how high is your blood alcohol level?
HADOU-KARA PUNCH!
(THE DRUNK DEMON BURNS ITS WAY BACK TO HELL!)

THE SAGA CONTINUES NEXT MONTH WITH RV-RUNAWAY VACATION.

The Crap films of drew barrymore:Eamonn reviews Donnie Darko

(The Story so far....
After reviewing Sex in the city,Eamonn tempted fate by saying that it was the worse film he ever seen.Only for a meteorite to deliver leap year. after watching the racist film, he passed out. last month was 3 tickets to hell, Eamonn returned to rare form, not only reviewing a 3 films but destroying a rent-a-cop with the Hadou-Kara Punch, a move from his xwa street fight.This got the attention from a mysterious figure whose future plans may hinge on Eamonn, ...whether he wants to or not!)

HELLO AND WELCOME BACK TO BOGGER BOX OFFICE!
(looks at watch)
say do you know what time it is?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSweDq_x5p8
YES IT'S HAPPY HOUR AGAIN!
Which means its time for crap review Drew Barrymore film, this review is a request from my friend, Rufus in kuwait, if you have a request for september give me a friend invite at my youtube address at the bottom of this review.

So the film is set in 1988.
Celine Dion represented Switzerland in Eurovision the concert to free Mandela hits Wembley Stadium and we were dancing to Cult of personality by living colour.

The Film starts with a shot of the emponymous Donnie (Jake Gynnenhal) lying on a road. While this may be confusing to everyone else, he seems to be used to it.During a family dinner the subject of Donnie's psycosis comes up.Turns out  Donnie has not being taking his meds.

That night, a distorted voice leads donnie to sleepwalk out the house. the voice belongs to frank who tells donnie the world will end in 28 days.

the Next day and a  plane engine crushes the Darko house.Donnie is treated as a school celebrity.And Drunko is introduced as a teacher.
"if i add one eighth to one sixteenth, how stoned would I be?"

a new student comes in,and becomes interested with donnie.

Donnie gets picked up from school by his dad. he nearly drives over an old woman. she whispers something into donnies  ear. In class they watch a self-help video about  controling fear. That night, Donnie dreams of a submerged school, so he takes an axe to a water pipe. Walking home he saves Gretchen from the only non-white children with makes them bullies.They threathen with knives because he thinks he did it.

The old woman that was nearly ran over by the Darkos was a former teacher nicknamed Grandma Death, whos psycosis is to check her mailbox over and over

Next scene and a pointless class exercise is enough to send Donnie into a raging rant about the human condition.

20 Days Remain.
And donnie asks his science teacher about time travel since Frank claims to be from the future.The Professer gives donnie a book by the woman who will become Grandma Death.

Reeling from this revalation he tells the shrink that she whispered "every living thing dies alone"

We get a trippy scene where liquid cgi leads donnie to a hidden gun.

12 DAYS REMAIN
Donnie wants to break free from Frank and stabs the rabbit. But he just won't die.The self-help guru in the class videos does a seminar in school, Donnie insults Jim saying people like him prey on people who cant think for themselves, next day he finds jims wallet and his house.

During Donnies date,Frank reveals that he is a boy with a bullet hole where is right eye should be. he tells Donnie to burn down Jim's House,
With the entire town at a talent show, the fire reveals a secret room that ousts Jim as a pedophile.

Six days remain and Drew gets fired for her radical thinking. i dont know she was in this film for  a minute.
the coach wants donnie mother to go a plane because her daughter run the talent show.

So let's wrap this up!
Donnie throws a Halloween party,Frank tells donnie to go Grandma Deaths house. The Token Mexicans Jump Them. A car driven by Present Day Frank scares the Fajita Brothers but kills Gretchen, Donnie kills Frank. A donnie goes back in time by killing frank to the time of  the accident, where the jet engine, from his mothers plane in the future went back in time too. but this time to kill Donnie who didnt sleepwalk this time.

So Donnie destiny was never to expose the peado, he was to die in a over elarobate revenge scheme by a guy in a rabbit suit who can travel in time involving a Jet engine!

WHAT DID I JUST WATCH?
Seriously what the Hell? Despite the goofy stuff this was a great film but the ending was a downer

(Eamonn goes to get a drink but is met by Frank from this film)
11 months 29 Days
-WHAT?
Have you seen a little girl? black hair and about this high?...
YOU WILL IN 11 MONTHS

If want to request a film to review please drop me a line at my youtube channel http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
I have a opening for September and would like to hear your suggestions.

3 TICKETS TO HELL 2:TIPPING THE BARGAIN BIN: Joe-jack reviews master of disguise

(all spelling and grammer mistakes are intentional.
EAMONN'S LINE IN BLACK
JOE-JACK'S REVIEW IN BLUE
80S LADS LINE IN ORANGE)
this months theme-Madonna Papa don't preach http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5N6KqgMj8o8
(PROLOGUE
OUTSIDE A SUPERMARKET IN A VAN CONTAINING OUR HEROES EAMONN WATCHES A TRUCK DELIVERING DVDS.)
So, remin' me why we here?
(sigh) last time we are at war with supermarket chains for selling bad films at cheap price while selling recent releases at full price. in fact all the film this month are €4 each. but we must plan a proper invasio...
ALRIGHT, LETS DO DIS! JOE-JACK DA CUUUUUUUULLLLLLLCCCCCHHHHIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!!!!
Oh my god he just ran in! save him!
(joe-jack gets leveled by a rent-a-cop)
okay we'll try yer way in fact i'll get some  tipz from dis fillium!
HOLY MOTHER OV GOD! WHAT A FUCKING TERRIBLE FILLUM!
So the fillum starts with exposition in 1979 italy where a cameo by bo derek is really fabrizio digusey (james brolin) after a succesful theft,
WAIT A MINUTE!
Disguisey?
Dats da best they could come up with? dat makes mario mario look lioke gud writing.
Scared that being arrested will tear his family apart, Fabrizzio gives up thievery.
fast forward to present day america, and fabrizzio is now Lawful Italian Stereotype-i mean restaurateur who has a son named Pistashio( Dana Carvey)
Y'know Garth from Wayne's world
Ever wondah wat 'appened to him?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO NOT REALLY?

Anyway his son is a waiter but earns to be more, he also has the urge to  mimic and t'diguise himself but without da formal training his dad had. anyway, later on, Pistashio's parents get kidnapped by Delvin Bowman ( Mr data  from star trek) who blackmails fabby into stealing americas tresures so he can sell them on the black market. oh and he farts when he laughs.
HE FARTED ! LAUGH ITS FUNNY! I SAID LAUGH YOU BASTARDS!

Meanwhile pistashios Grandfather teaches him how to be a master of disguise by tapping into energico a power to make disguise plausable. because wearing a turbin and tanning your face is not funny or clevah!

Meanwhile Fabrizzio disguised as athelete Michael Johnson steals the American constitution. oh and Data farts again.
LAUGH! LAUGH! YOU SONS OF BITCHES WHY WON'T YOU LAUGH!
So pistashio is now a master of disguise he hires a waitress to be his assitant and grandfather gives him...a Millenium Puzzle?
does that mean Pistaschio will be voiced by DAN GREEN!?

So Pistashio and Jennifer find Bowman's cigar stub belonging to the exclusive turtle club where pistaschio takes it literally and dresses as a human turtle.
JUST GO WITH IT!
...so dey discover dat bowman kipnapped pistashio's parents

Meanwhile fabrizzio steals Da liberty bell disguised as Jesse Ventura. and data farts again.
WHAT? YOU'RE STILL NOT LAUGHING YOU BASTARDS!
So dey appear at a private toy show where pistachio is disguised as Granny nim-nims, who taunts Data with the promise of Nookie. but Bowman instead invites Jennifer to his party the next day.

Next scene and Jennifer investigates Bowmans house while Pistashio makes a distraction so he disguises as a Latino Gigolo...
DIS IS A CHILDERS FILLIUM!
He ass-capes and turns intah and Irish Fisherman
(Eamonn presses Rascist alarm repeatedly)
and turns into the script sorry dats a giant cow-shit
SAME DIFFERENCE!

Tiome to put da spuds on!
Jennifer confesses her love to pistashio, she gets kipnapped, pistashio rescues her and his family, regains the treasures. and finally retrieves da constitution by dressing as George Warlord Bush!

If i can describe dis film in one word, it would be: flawed. It goes from funny to stupid in an instant.And you will be shocked as a was when you hear that ADAM SANDLER Wrote dis, but think i have enough tipz t'make a great disguise for Eamonn

(PART 2 AND 3 IN THE FOLLOWING WEEKS THIS MONTH ON pathofenlightment.blogspot.com
part2-cruel intentions 2
part 3-Sleath

Eamonn reviews leap year the most rascist film ever made!

(Previously on bogger box office...
last month eamonn reviewed sex and the city and tempting fate said it was the worst film he ever seen. that is until this months offering, supposedly delivered by a supernatural force!)

Please stand and be more upstanding than the bastards that made this film, this months theme is the national anthem of my country, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aip-a3qEJ2s

Little known fact everything i write for BBO is written as manuscript up to a month in advance so i don't miss any other review i have planned.

why am i bringing this up? well when i started watching this film it was st patricks day and it took all my patriotic fervour to get through this film. but first the cover got my attention. There is a sticker that reads from the producers of  27 dresses, like that film is anything to be proud of. and believe me 27 dresses your time will come.

so lets stand shoulder to shoulder answer Ireland's call and stick a shilleighleigh up the ass of Leap Year: THE MOST RASCIST FILM EVER MADE!

So the film starts by not deciding to be a flashback or charector narrative as we are both in boston and a irish pub where we meet Anna Brady (oscar nominee Amy Adams, which seems to make this film even worse), a realter who is prim and proper and treats here employees like commoners.

Great i hate her already!

ok so the pub is in boston which brings to mind all the so-called Irish-Americans that come here to find there "roots" most of them i met are black and asian and usually the white americans only gained an irish surname 3 genarations ago.

Anyway Anna's father (the Unfunny dad from comedy 3rd rock from the Sun) tells anna about The Irish Tradition of the Leap Year.

WHEN? WHEN WAS THIS? I'M IRISH AND I NEVER HEARD OF THIS SHIT!

So over dinner her boyfriend reveals that he bought ear-rings for her. but before she could say want to say. he gets phone-call.

"sorry honey, my Douche-ometer says i have to leave until the end of the film!"

So as you guess, An Irish American who is stuck up rich and has no idea about her hertiage except this so-called tradition files over here for some rascist hi-jinks and that the plot to this piece of shit!

So because of a storm the plane is diverted to wales.

Hey here is some research that the people that made this film did not do .The Island of Ireland has 5 airports. Dublin, Belfast,Waterford, which is an hours drive from, Knock in the West of Ireland and Shannon. You Americans should know about Shannon because all your Jet fighters heading to Iraq to steal oil, police the world, fighting the war, refuel in Shannon.

So now the Ferry to Cork...
wait,what? Cork which on the other side of dublin let alone Wales? Why not go to Rosslare,45 minutes from Dublin? because the people who wrote this have all the irish-ness of the lucky charms cereal! So Anna hires a fishing trawler so she can get to Ireland but lands in Dingle in the west of ireland.

Which means Anna must set her watch back by 50 YEARS!

So she go to the pub where the publician (that guy from Watchmen) tells her that he wont go to Dublin as he thinks its full of Liars and cheats

Ok,so the Dail is there, but the zoo is nice!

When she looks for another driver one local offers before passing out.

This is of course a reference to Ireland's Drinking Culture but do you know what other countries have a drinking culture? EVERY OTHER COUNTRY! Okay maybe not the Muslim or buddist countries but check it, England has cheap sales, france encourages kids to drink wine and as mentioned in the simpsons you can get booze in Italian McDonalds.
SO FUCK YOU AND YOUR DRUNK IRISH STEREOTYPE, REST OF THE WORLD!

So High Maintenence manages to demolish declans pub and black-out the entire village just by plugging in her phone. Seriously how the fuck did you manage that?

so the Journey takes place in Declans rusty Renault 4 and thankfully Declan tells Anna that the tradition is a lot American made shite! Anna encounters cows on the road shoos them but lands on a cowpat and pushes the car which on a hill into a river!

forget failing geography, they forgot to put on the hand-brake!

ok now anna hitchhikes a ride with some Travellers and they steal her luggage, i saw that coming a mile away and next scene since we had  travellers we have to have the envitable Fighting the Travellers. this ends with them getting the tow truck needed.

so anna resolves to get the train but the train doesn't arrive  for 2 hours for so declan shows anna the local castle and tells her the legend of Fionn and Grainne (google it!) Anna thinks that Declan is coming on to her. And naturally misses her train, despite being told it wouldnt arrive for 2 hours and the castle was a 15 minute walk!

LETS DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
So now the conductor, feeling sorry for the two dimwits invite them to stay at his B+B. Its here that the owners think That declan and anna are married. could you not tell him your story in the 2 hours your where waiting for the train or does the time warp itself when ever the plot demands?

So the cliche of who gets the only bed shows us that Declan is a chauvanist, because a trait like that is always good for a romatic lead.

So Anna has volunteered Declan to make dinner for the other guests. When Declan complains about Annas anal retentiveness and she explains that its because her father was more cavalier with more and it led to a sad child-hood.

To which Declan responds by killing a chicken in front of her.
Smooth.

So now we get BONDING MONTAGE! over cooking the dinner. Where An Italian Stereotype tells Declan and Anna to kiss they compley because they got the room by masquerade.

During the night they fight of the feelings they dont have for each other in bed.

Next day the conductor tells anna that it's Sunday and that there is no trains on sunday.
THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LET THEM STAY AT YOURS WHEN YOU KNEW SHE NEED TO BE IN DURING BY MORNING? AND YOU EVEN SAID THERE WOULD BE ANOTHER TRAIN COMING!

Nurse......Nurse! I need more pills!
And to make it worse the wife of the conductor has took the only car to Dublin

OH LOOK! A WHITE WALL! I THINK I'LL PAINT IT WITH MY HEAD!
(Eamonn bangs his head against a wall.)

So now a hailstorm has the two idiots seek refuge in a church holding a wedding. And despite Anna being Anal retentive and wanting to be in Dublin so badly she now wants to get all mushy at a strangers wedding.

Declan reveals that he was married and that his ex-wife lives in Dublin explaining the liars and cheats speech

So now its night-time and in the midst of traditional music (not that this film isn't a living Hallmark card a long time ago!) declan and anna irish dance where Anna's shoe flies off a deck the bride. Somehow this means she is still stuck in Dingle.

So now a drunk Anna confronts Declan in what can be summed up by this quote by Linkara
"I HATE YOU! I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOOOOOOUUUU!!!!!!! (BEAT) MARRY ME!"
oh too obscure a reference? Try this one from the simpsons.
"AND YOU'RE 3 HEADED DEVIL DOG! DEVIL DOG!
-wanna make out?
-No-one wants to be alone!

i like to quote linkara and simpsons!

so now Anna gets the bus to Dublin. But no, misses the bus by her own admission. clearly the writers just went "screw it! she's an idiot! but gets the next bus.

So lets flush this turd!

Anna gets to dublin, Jeremy proposes to her, declan confronts his wife, anna starts a fire to see if jeremy cares about her(it makes sense in context!) and the film ends with Anna returning to a man who tolerated her on promise of money, as they kiss on the cliffs of moher

if i was there i would push them off!
(directed by Anand Tucker appears on screen.)
OH FUCK YOU, ANAND TUCKER! WHO EVER THE FUCK YOU ARE! because....
THIS FILM SUCKS!!!
If this wasn't about Ireland it would just be bad. However the constant stereotypes come so fast you just can't ignore them. sadly women would come here to perform this most bullshit of traditions.

this film is so bad i would sell my soul to forget i watched it!
(Eamonn faints as evil laughter fills the air...)

Eamonn reviews sex and the city

(This months theme- Material Girl by Madonna http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUadW2eWsKg )

Hello and welcome to bogger box offi-I FUCKING HATE SEX AND THE CITY! I FUCKING HATE SEX AND THE CITY! I HATE IT I HATE IT! HAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTEEEE!
(Joe-jack throws a bucket of water at Eamonn!)

thank you for that!

For those who never saw the show, ie those who were born with a dick! sex and the city follows the lives of 4 women, one of them actually hot, as they fuck, shop, eat cake and drink while all the time you wonder how they can afford all this if only one of them has a steady job.

so leave your manhood at the door, this is Sex and the city: the movie1!

So the film starts with stock footage of new york city

wow after 9/11, this is the second worst thing to happen to new york
(AUDIENCE BOOS!)
 Oh what, what, what?
as carrie (Sarah Jessica "Horse-Face" Parker) narrates what little charector development she has.

"every year 20 somethings come to NYC for two Ls, Labels and Love"

THAT'S RIGHT GIRLS! you should always look good to impress men and spend loads of money to do so.
No way you should settle for a man who would devote his life to you, only go for a man whose hair colour matches your hand-bag! Because that what matter's right(?)

so we are introduced to the other charectors, Charrlotte(kirsten "The Hot One Davis) Miranda (Cynitha "Moose" Nixon) and Samantha (Kim Skeletor Catthrall)

so the back-story is concised for each charector charrlotte married and adopted a daughter, Miranda got married and birthed a son and....Sam is a slut!

Meanwhile carrie and big are now moving into a big apartment,which big pays for and Friends Rent control (hi tv tropes!) strikes again.

so after a pointless scene that only serve to make Sam and Carrie unlikable, Big proposes to Carrie, with all but Sam happy about it, but Carrie wants her to be maid of honour. Meanwhile Charrottle freaks out that the announcement appears in the newspaper. Vogue offers to photograph Carrie in Bridal courture
 soreing a free dress by Vivian Westwood in the procress.

So while returning library books carrie stumbles across a wedding, so she decides to get married there too.

You know i love going to the chipper! i dont love it so much that i'll get married in one!

Meanwhile Miranda is feeling complacent in her marraige as her and Steve struggle to have a sex-life and a family.

So carrie moves out of her old apartment which causes Sam to channel Bender from Futurama by saying
"I've heard worse excuses to drink!"

In the next scene, Steve husband confesses to cheating on her.

Meanwhile the stress of marraige is getting to big.

So it's the rehearsal dinner and Steve arrives and after an argument, Miranda tells big "Marraige Ruins Everything!

FORESHADOWING!

Now Its the big day and a series of WACKY events makes big leave
FORESHADOWING HAS ARRIVED!

But when Big apoligises, Carrie doesn't want to hear it.

So Carries honeymoon is now a Slapper's World Tour of Mexico as her Soriety of Sluts arrived with her
so charrlotte who didn't want to eat any mexican foos for fear of diareera. accidently drinks tap-water and poops herself.

this is the film idea of uplifting humour after the cheating and wedding angles beforehand. I'll let that sink in for a while.

So carrie returns to her old flat and decides to hire a P.A. Enter Louise who is basicly a black version of Series one Carrie, they also lampshade the Friends Rent control more than i did in this review.

Meanwhile Miranda and her son search for an apartment in China-Town,Charlotte is pregnant and next scene....
(kim Catrall Sex Scene)
AAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!
(Eamonn stabs himself in the eyes!)

so after scenes that blur summer, halloween and christmas together...
LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
...Its now New years eve! and miranda and steve share custody of their son. we all see the charectors celebrating new years some happily and some not!
and now its valentines day!
LETS DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
...As Miranda tells carrie what dhe told big....and Sam is still a slut!

so miranda forgives steve and do want ever American does.
Pay a head-shrinker rather than sort out the problem themselves. But nonetheless forgive each other

Meanwhile Sam is still slut!

Charlotte sees big and gets into an agrument with him, causing her water to break.

So lets get this over with!
Carrie finds love letters from big, they remarry and it seems happy ever after that is until this film sales did more than break-even and made a sequel!

THIS FILM SUCKS!
Are we Supposed to feel sorry for Carrie, because Horse face comes of as self-centred and uncaring. the adding of the charector Louise as Carrie's morality pet was a good choice. I also liked Miranda Cheating storyline and the performance by Nixon in general. However i hated Catrall's one dimesional charector the rushed timing, horrible foreshadowing and cliched ending.

But i can take away the fact that there is no Film worse than this....

(A shooting star pierces the sky turning it blood red. it lands on eamonn's doorstep as a dvd cover. as it glows and crackles with eldritch powers, the actors on the cover seem to laughing at him. He picks the case up to read the name)

Leap Year?

OH FUCK!

Eamonn,joe-jack and 80s lad review Inception part 2

so to pick up where we left off, Aria was killed in a dream by dom's wife, forcing her to leave but dom has a feeling she'll be back. so he leaves for africa to hire a forger called Eves.
So Eves talks more big words abou' Inception and FUCK DAT SHITE! I WANTZ AN ACTION SEQUENCE!
So the dream police chase after eves and dom with GUUUNNNNSSSS!!!! (Childish gun noises) 
but Saito saves them.
Aria returns to the team and starts dream a powerful maze and is told that dom's wife is dead and she is a projection of his guilt for not seeing his childern.
So dom go to a chemist as a job of this size will need sedation.
now the team is formed with Saito coming in as the Final dreamer
WITH THIS ANIMIGHT, I MAGINE FARROQ!

So the chemist reveals that he is for the lack of a better term running a dream -rehab as dreams are appartently addictive and people need treatment to wake them.
Try poking 'em with a Stick!
I know how they feel. i was on the coke...but i switched to Pepsi, man!
Saito tells us the full plan he wants to force a rival to step down from his company so he can take over the world....'s markets! That still warrants an OF COURSE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8u7px_GzWQ

So Arthur cons into robert fisher's (Cillian Murphy) whose father is dying and his uncle also his doctor wants him dead. Eves power of forging explained he can shapeshift in a dream taking the form of the doctor.

Da six thieves have planned to enter OUR MAN'S mind wif 3 dreams, but failure will make them sleep for 10 years.

later that night Aria hijacks Dom's dream of Mol making him angry that she did.

So Aria dives into the darkest memories of his mind, the night of her murder, but by becoming part of the memory Mol kills aria and dom, waking them up.

so they met robert disguised as mourners and put sedative in his drink to knock him out

first dream is to extract a code for his safe. but Robert's subconsious is stronger than they thought creating hitmen and a frikking runaway train to kill everyone.

Saito is wounded and we are told that because of sedation you can die in a dream, yeah they don't explain it that well.

So eves pretends to be da doctah being tortured and tries to convince robert t'take da idea.

So cobb explains to Aria that his wife dreamt so much that she couldn't tell what was real and what was dream. convince she was in a dream, she committed suicide.

the Second dream is to shift blame in robert to his uncle but in the first the car sverves off a bridge causing the gravity to fail.

the Final dream is in russia where those evil commies live!

time to wrap this up!

ya mean put da spuds on!

Saito dies in his sleep, Dom confesses to causing Mol's death, dom kills her, inception is made and the flashback ends with dom rescuing saito from his dream so he can get paid, fishers company is liquidated and dom returns to his childern.

THIS IS THE BEST FILM I HAVE SEEN IN A LONG TIME!
The cast is incredible, the story is outstanding and though the dream world is unimaginitive, the Effect set pieces were just as good as the Action set pieces. Truly the bar for sci-fi has being raised.


well oi'm glad you like this fillium....cos....next month......

.EAMONN'S PATIENCE AND MANHOOD IS TESTED TO ITS LIMIT AS HE REVIEWS.....SEX AND CITY THE MOVIE!

Eamonn, Joe-jack and 80's review Inception part 1

(the 2 year annisversary of pathofenlightment.blogspot.com starts right now!)
(EAMONN'S LINES IN BLACK)
(JOE-JACK LINES IN BLUE)
(80'S LAD LINES IN ORANGE)

Todays film is a request by my friend Time to Recycle, and since february is the month i found the main blog, i plan to do something different, i'm doing this review with my carectors Joe-jack,
GET OV MY LAND!
and 80s lad!
DDDUUUUUUUDDDDE!
And hopefully this review will be more funnier than the one by Doug Walker
WALLLLLLLLLKKKAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
So this film, like, starts on a beach, man where Leo Dicaprio is washed up!
ha! i tole ya DEE CRAPPY-O woz washed up!
This is Dom cobb(dicaprio) a thief with the power to enter people's dreams.and he is arrested by japanese police.
So da gards bring him t' an old man that sez he met him 50s years ago.
So Tsang Sung here remembers Dom selling his skills to him. and enters his mind to steal his memories.
And what does his memories take the form of? an envolope in a safe.
Also in da safe room is a memory of a women he had an affair with also cobb is rumbled by Saito and what i call Da Dream Police!
( Eamonn and 80s lad sing this Theme of the Month: Dream Police by cheap trick http://www.youtube.com/?watch?v=PL6SHApk2Z8 as joejack looks confused)
...Anyway dom's akompliss gets shot waking him up in the dream world
so, like, one person wakes from a dream the whole thing falls apart.
so Dom perfoms a bait and switch with the envolope but gets caught in the rumble of a broken dream
so his mate dunk him in a bath that fills his dream with watah, wakin' 'im.
so Dom blackmails Tsang Sung but calls it an "audition". it turns out to be a dream in a dream as crowd gang on Arthur and kills him! Bummer!
So they wake on a bullet train with the job botched. Cut to New york as we learn that Dom has 2 young childern he doesnt see and a wife that may or may not be dead!
So Saito hires Dom fer a special mission not to steal memories but t'plant one: INCEPTION
TITLE DROP!
Saito promises Dom his childern for a good well done
So if i understand dis, Tsang Sung wantz t'go intah a rival mind and put in the mind da idea to retire so Tsang can take over his company and Make his Soul His!

So they go to Paris to find an Architect. i.e. a Dreamer that makes the dream world, because a dream is really a reflection of reality, of real hopes and realistic goals

so all my dreams of screwing supermodels on a pile of money was because i really wanted a sandwich?

so Dom visit his father (Michael Caine) who is angry not just for dom not seeing his childern but using the skills he taught him for monetary gain.
but nonetheless introduces him to Aria (Ellen Page) who passes a riddle set by Dom.
through tecnobabble at a cafe, Dom explains the power that he has bestowed on Aria.
so as the Cafe food explodes all around her( Yeah, i wouldnt eat at Heston Blumenthal's restuarant either), Aria wakes up.
We are told da power was first use to torture soldier as pain in da mind will hurt you but you wake up in dream if your killed.
So Dom wants Aria to extract something from dom's mind as a test. so she changes the dream into a personal games of Tetris.
so Dom tells her that she must subtly change the dream reality or the Subconcious will attack like white blood cells to a germ.
so Aria seems to have broken in Dom's memories and his Subconsious attacks dem. Then Mol, Dom wife kills Aria and...oh i get it!, dead or not his wife is in da Dream Police!
(Eamonn and 80S lad sing Dream police again!)
Shut Da Fuck up!

PART 2 TOMMORROW!

music and lyrics

allo an happy new year t'ya. it's Joe-jack here fer da new year of bogger box office!
and welcome to a new feature, the Crap films of Drew Barrymore!

Drew barrymore's theme: happy hour (again) by the housemartins
http://www.youtube.com/watch?=MSweDq_x5p8
this munt drew teams with da worst actor in da world Hugh "pervo" Grant in a musical rom-com that will shatter yer ear-drums Music and lyrics!

Great i'm offically in hell.

so we are tortured with hugh grant singing in scene one, as hugh plays alex fletcher, a washed-up 80s pop star who is in a tv station for a audition for battle of the 80s has-beens, but turns out to be a program where no-one celebritys do stoopid tings fer money

Huh! must be itv-Eamonn!

So after rejecting ITV'S offer, he returns to his flat and meets his agent who has good news. cora corman the teen sensation wants alex to write a song for her. we also met Drunk-o, playing Sophie, a gardener.

Hey why not cast drew barrymore as a Gardener? drugs are expensive, she probably grew her own!

so they met cora or after other crap song i will call her not-Sharika!
so Not-Sharika hires Alex to write a song for her because shaking her arse down a camera lens will only get you so far!

so Alex hires a lyricist but it turns out Sophie is better at lyrics than the guy he payed for
so a professional is usurped by a common person?
Did Micheal Bay write this film?
if he did, what are the chances drew will get blown up in a big explosion?

so aftah that piece ov contrivince! alex hires his GARDENER as a lycricist!

Clearly Drew and Hugh as bought enough HOOKERS AND BLOW for all the writers!

Since this film is about washed up 80s icons, we have one in this fillium! Kirsty Ally plays rhonda, drew sister and owner of a diet food company
(digusted voice)
oh look she's an owner of a diet company. it's funny cause she's fat
HILARIOUS!
So when sophie tells her she met Alex, she gets her to his concert to met him.
so alex perfoms a rip-ov t' Careless Whisper, after the concert, alex performs a song with some of drew's lyrics, without her permission, and this enough to convince her that her drunken ramblings are lyrics!

at Breakfast, Alex explains that when his band, pop! broke up, his best friend became a superstar while he didn't. In kind Sophie tells Alex that her author ex-boyfriend stole her stories from a writing class and based a slutty charector on her when she fought back.

so they have completed the song and it sucks. but its good enuff for Not-Sharika t'take it.

At dinnah, Sophie see's her ex Sloan, and one Wacky escape later, Alex is in the ladies.

Yeah it's not the first time Hugh Grant has being seen in the Ladie's Jax!

Sophie is afraid of Sloan so she give a practice speech in da toilet but when she comes out she stammers and acts drunk.
yeah ACTS Drunk!
when Alex goes to defend her, Sloan starts a sissy-fight wif da othah sissy!

Our Villian ladies and Gentlemen, a plagerist who can't take a punch!

So Cora has got the song but has changed it to match her style, But Sophie angry that she did!

'Splain to me Eamonn!
Sophie and Alex was payed by Cora's management to write a song her. as the benefactor who paying you money,she has the right to change the song as she sees fit. it's called Creative Control and its nothing new!

So sophie tells Not-Sharika to stick it, but Cora is too stupid to take a hint. Alex berates Sophie for being naive saying the pop business uses people to forfill needs!

not da kind of thing to say if you just did the Nasty in the last scene!

So sophie writes da las' verse herself as a direct message to alex. sophie leaving open a health shop in florida!

it's da night of the concert and alex performs a new first verse directed at Sophie.

And in a replay of the opening song MTV-style factoids tell us that sophie and alex wrote more songs, cora got married for 3 hours, pop! reformed, sloan's fillium bombed and pop! was inducted in the Rock Hall of fame.
you know instead of filming dhose things!
this is what happens when the worst actor is paired with the worst actress in the world the result? DA WORST FILLIUM I'VE Reviewed in 17 months!
Charectors-terrible Story-terrible Premise-terrible Comedy-NONE WHATSOEVER!
IN SHORT THIS FILLIUM GETS AN A-RATING...FER AWFUL!