(If only there was a song that sums up Phillip Pullman's overbearing atheist beliefs in this film-then it hit me!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KThlYHfIVa8
So Here it is.
THE ULTIMATE FAILED POTTER KILLER, A BOOK FRANCHISE THAT DIED AFTER 1 FILM, THAT SPARKED 1 IRISH MIRROR WRITER TO CALL IT "ATHIEST PROPERGANDA" AND MASS CINEMA BOYCOTTS IN THE BIBLE BELT, THIS 1 ONE HAS BEING ON MY LIST SINCE DAY 1, THIS IS THE GOLDEN COMPASS.
We start with a narrative by Nicole Kidman who tells us that story is set in a different world where souls are unabashfuly called demons, witch's are real, Dust is a magical substance and James Bond would so much cooler if he had a pet leopard!
We also learn of the eponymous Golden Compass, Devices that reveal secrets and actually tell the future, but the evil Majesterium aka the NOT-VATICAN! Destroyed all but 1
We cut to actors too posh to convincingly play gypsies, where we meet our hero Lyra (Dakota Blue Phillips) Playing tag with gypsy children only to make out the gate of her college is cursed, so no one from the college will see her talking to Gypsies!
OUR HEROINE, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN!
A posh elitist, who betrays her poor but genuine friends easily for social standing!
On the other side of Oxford, Daniel Craig's Character of Lord Azrael Unpronounceable! (I'm not even gonna try) enters a room at the college and uncovers a Amber Spyglass
DUN DUN D-OESN'T EVEN AMOUNT TO A SEQUEL!
So we learn more about Lyra, an orphan who only surviving relative is Lord Azrael. She has a demon called Pan (voice of Freddie Highmore) all demons can transform to any animal but mostly he takes the form of a weasel! every person shares a symbiotic link to their demon, they share it's pain and contact with your hand to a demon causes pain or even Death!
Which means that people should be dying left right and centre, since you showed demons turning in common animals in the opening, what's stopping people from petting a dog or riding a horse and then dying, having established in the Gypsy camp that dogs and horse exist in this world also? What about cows and pigs? what if you accidentally kill and eat a demon? what happens then?
Sneaking into a room where a teacher is telling a Majesterium that he has no derestriction here, Lyra and Pan sees the Evil Tool from the Evil Church Of Evil spiking a decanter of wine as Uncle Azrael (Craig) enters, Lyra saves her only living relation and Azrael tells here to hide once more when he sees the wine getting discoloured by the substance.
Lord Azrael is an explorer who has returned from the Arctic. He shows his the school staff a photo of the Northern Lights, the northern lights is made of dust in this world and this dust is the intangible window into our world. Azrael hypothesizes that there are other worlds, all free from the Majesterium. This causes Friar Pablo to get angry and call Azrael a heretic.
Later on Azrael scolds Lyra for what she did, but he's not too hard on her what with that tiny detail of saving his life from being poisoned by the guy i seen many times before typecasted as a Nazi!, But gets angry when Lyra asks about dust, But when Azrael changes the subject on why Pan hasn't settled on a form yet! i suppose that's their way of trying to explain why people haven't died petting dogs that are really demons, she deduces though that Dust is the reason children's demons can change and adults lose that power.
On the Roof of the college, Roger tells Lyra that children are going missing because of goblins and the Magisterium is covering it up.
....AND I CAN NOW SEE why Many Catholics got upset with this film-you just went from archaic beliefs, blacklisting, censorship and quickly into the realm of Pedophilia. No wonder this film has a 12 rating in Ireland!
At the college Mess, a dinner for the expedition to the North is arranged. Slinking into view is Mrs Coulter (Nicole Kidman) her very presence confounds and frightens the professors. Sitting to next to Lyra and infodumping some foreshadowing about the ice bears, Mrs Coulter asks the master of the College to make the girl her proxy on the expedition to the north, Promising to "deal" with Azrael as under the table Coulters Monkey is hurting Pan
FORESHADOWING!
Outside Oxford's Walls Roger and Billy and plan to steal a scholar's cape, Coulter's Monkey grabs Billy's demon and starts to choke. Roger turns to get help but is stopped by something emitting a green light off camera.
Oh my god, The Incredible Hulk got him!
We cut to NOT-Vatican city and why are the church so evil-BECAUSE THE NOT-POPE IS THE MASTER (Derek Jacobi) AND HIS NOT-CARDINAL IS COUNT DOOKU (Christopher Lee), THAT'S WHY!
They reveal their plan to inoculate(read: brainwash) all the children into dumbfucks that believe fairy stories about talking snakes and every animal in existence can fit on a boat! Ok that last statement was abrasive but that's Phillip Pullman attitude to religion he had written into this story- their is no good Catholics and no bad Gypsies or scholars-their is no middle ground-the prevailing philosophy in this film-if you in believe in a God, then you also support atrocities made in that God's name! we also learn that Coulter is indeed a villain.
Afraid of Mrs Coulter, the Master of the college, gives Lyra the eponymous Golden Gompass, explaining that she must never let Mrs Coulter see it-Despite her knowing already about because of prophecy or some shit!
WILL LYRA SAVE HER WORLD?
WHAT PLANS DOES THE GOBLINS HAVE FOR THE KIDNAPPED KIDS?
WHAT MORE VILE HATEFUL DOULBLETALK HAS PULLMAN SLIPPED FROM HIS PEN?
YOU CAN ONLY FIND OUT NEXT MONTH AS THE ROAD TO 100 CONTINUES, ONLY ON BOGGERBOXOFFICE!
Monday, March 9, 2015
Saturday, February 28, 2015
EPISODE 87: Eamonn reviews JCVD
(This Month's theme from the Soundtrack- Unknown Artist-With a very nice cover of David Bowie's Modern Love)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMx9_CkIqAQ
Like I said that month, Jean Claude Van Damme is to many a divisive actor, if you think horror and sci-fi was a saturated genre in this decade, this was nothing compared to the slew of martial arts films in the 90s. And no-one is a bigger target to all your favourite Channel Awesomers than JCVD!
Taking a cut out of I Am Bruce, Jean plays a semi-autobiography of himself, an aging, bankrupt movie star with alimony coming out the wazoo, who's directorial debut about his connection to his faith, lost him many of his over-excited teenagers that his film caters for!
This is considered his comeback film-so lets find out if JCVD paid his "dits" or if he hasn't still got his "wakaka"?
Okay this is a bad start, it's being produced by Gaumont, the animation company that makes Oggy and the cockroaches-AKA Tom and Jerry Knockoff With Gay Overtones!
So we see the man himself doing this thing on set of his latest film, until an actor collapses the entire set by banging a door, Jean complains that he can't do a scene in 1 take at his age, the Japanese director berates him in Japanese, who asks if Jean thinks he's making Citizen Kane
NO ONE EXPECTS CITIZEN KANE FROM JCVD! ONLY THAT HE TOOK HIS ELOCUTION LESSONS!
We cut to a paternity Trial, where the prosecutor has harped on about the violence in JC's Movies, thus losing the right to custody to his daughter. It turns out to be a flashback, transitioned nicely by a wavy wipe that turns into JC washing his face to hide the fact that he was crying!
-JC asks if can he at least be rewritten use a gun in some scenes so he can catch his breath-but the director's assistant says he won't because JCVD's characters never used guns because they were "pure!"
JEAN CLAUDE FOR 13TH DOCTOR! YOU HEARD IT HERE 1ST!
We cut to Belgium where in a video shop an Arab man is laughing at the authenticity of an Arab Character in a film, when JCVD Walks by, he and the shop owner stop him for autographs, before he heads off, an elderly cab-driver, tries to park on double yellows when a cop arrives-when she berates JCVD-Shots are fired-literally! as the Post Office he went to is robbed. the policeman runs to see Van Damme boarding up a window, the sliding door opens so much to let fly a few bullets into his leg as the policeman calls for backup!
The Next scene is the video-shop turned base for the police-At this point, the entire film is in Flemish with subtitles. Commissioner Christian Bruges comes in contact with JCVD, who tells him a man is unconscious and bleeding and to send a doctor in, unarmed, LT. Pertier of the SWAT Team has arrived, but since the police are not trusted they are told to come in just their underpants as the crowd mocks them.
Inside Jean Claude has a man who is obviously not a villain (!) at knifepoint, but when the doctor treats the wounded man, Van damme attacks him, but what the police doesn't see is that 1 of the robbers had a gun pointing at him, and he quickly pockets it, the hostages too scared to speak out of turn.
Inside and outside the heels and faces argue-the robbers talk about asking for a higher ransom, the police about sending in the swat team, Another wiretap reveals the robbers are using van damme as their mouthpiece/scapegoat, as being seen putting up a barricade by the traffic cop has reached the media, and the robbers doesn't take kindly to him adding his own terms to pay his lawyers!
In the holding room a montage of interviews by the man himself is spliced with a laff-trak, this leads to another paternity trial as Gloria Van Damme reveals she doesn't want to live with her father because of those interviews and she is being bullied.
This leads to straight after, when van damme is with his agent, when Gloria comes up, he quotes the Bard, and says "The Time And The Hour, In The Longest Day" basically, a dick-way of saying "Life Goes On" causing JCVD to leave for Belgium and to current events
In Belgium, Jcvd gets even worse news from Bernstien, his lawyer: the cheque has bounced and if he doesn't get the 64k, the case will be dropped.
We see how the what really happened when the robbery started, the robber called Arthur who is chummy with JC? Well he was posing as security guard, but Van Damme was desperate to wire money to his lawyers and got caught. We catch up to after the hostage gets shot, where Arthur is talking to JCVD and makes his feelings known about John Woo.
"If it wasn't for you, (Van Damme), that cunt would still be filming pigeons in Hong Kong!"
When he asks about to do with the shot hostage, Jean Claude says the man is in shock, when it happened to him in the making of Hard Target, he needed smelling salts.
This is funny! though, it's a hostage situation, with Stockholm syndrome...In reverse!
As the other robbers rebuild a barricade, Bruges is trying to question the woman driver who got shot, in the holding room, Arthur has stood up Coughing Hostage and put a cigarette in his mouth, so JCVD can kick it out, which he does to forced applause. Arthur tries it but collapses onto the hostage!
In the police station, the pigs go through JC's stuff, Bruges finds pictures of his daughter so he can appeal to his better nature, until he remembers that JCVD Attacked his doctor who was unarmed and carried out!
We cut to even earlier, JCVD Trying to draw money from the ATM, And we are now back in English, as he phones his agent for a loan, But he has bad news Stephen Seagall got the part he wanted and when VD asks for money anyway, his agent shafts him by doing the False Interference trope, but with an actual traffic jam soundboard!
Turns out the female driver who got shot was Jean Claude's cab-driver and berates him the entire journey for being a Jack-ass in real life-To flash back unexpectedly back to present events, the crowd is getting restless As Bruges struggles to get things under control, Bruges calls JC That he has arranged the ransom and the lawyers fees and all he has to do is release a mother and child hostages-and things seem to be going smoothly-UNTIL JC'S PARENTS SHOW UP!
Back inside Bad Hair Day Robber loses his shit again and tells him the kid won't leave but the mother will...because he's afraid the kid will talk?
Er...that kid is not a threat to you 1) the kid looks 4 at the most 2) a child that young is in legal terms an "incredible witness"-meaning a child lacks the emotional maturity to cope, comprehend and fully remember traumatic events. So JCVD Talks to his mother but at gunpoint, agitated JCVD tells his mother to leave him alone and get his lawyer right now!
Jean Claude and Bad Hair Day have a stand off-escalating at the same time the mother hostage is being separated from her son, JCVD Tells the mother he'll protect him, she replies "Speak for yourself!" Back in the Hostage room Jean's seat rises into the studio lights for him to break the 4th wall, he thanks his fans for sticking with him over the years and he was gong to him a "gift" (this film) and a "promise"-a promise of a realistic ending to this film-"I Win but Still lose!" he talks about that's his assessment of his life-really! he wanted to be a star, he went from stealing bread to being seen in Hollywood, but at the expense of everything-every time he thought he gained, he really lost, until he went to Thailand he saw people worse of than him, happy with just the martial arts, finding the inner peace that had alluded him, he decided to do the one thing that is hard for him-being the best JCVD he can be! he slumps back in his chair as it descends back into the film universe and the film concludes.
So lets finish this!
Arthur and Jean Claude free the child, Arthur stands to Bad hair day, Arthur shoots him dead, Van Damme's Lawyer shafts him after receiving his money, Top Heavy releases the prisoners, But the riot squad shoots Arthur dead, Top Heavy uses JC as hostage, but he fights back and gets arrested-he's tried, he found innocent of the robbery-but they pop him for 3 years for extorting the lawyers fees!
And so the film ends in prison With Jean Claude teaching Martial Arts as his estranged Daughter finally sees him.
So how was this film?
(STANDS UP)
(SLOW CLAP INTO SINCERE ROUND OF APPLAUSE!)
This film!, oh man this film! where was this guy during the 90s?
Who thought a subdued JCVD would be so enjoyable to watch? Here we see the aging star in the rut he is in. the script is smart and savvy, from the back handed compliments of his countrymen, to the superdickery of the Americans, all presented in this luxuriously contrasting cinematography-the harsh light of Hollywood and the dark recesses of the hostage room-this film has the mood right down to a tee. Having it in mostly his native tongue was a better choice and idea of what would happen an action star was put in real life action film is a good plot. You can also say that the robbers are a microcosm of Jean's Career, Arthur's innocence being cajoled by rage (Top Heavy) and Ego (Bad Hair), many convos between them is actually about killing the hostages because Murderers are more famous than Bank Robbers!
In short, JCVD: A cerebral film with no Martial Arts, but that's not a bad thing!
CREDITS
JCVD was reviewed compiled and edited, by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli)
With music Modern Love by Unknown Artist
JCVD Is produced by Gaumont and distributed by Revolver Films. All rights Reserved
NEXT MONTH: THE GOLDEN COMPASS!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMx9_CkIqAQ
Like I said that month, Jean Claude Van Damme is to many a divisive actor, if you think horror and sci-fi was a saturated genre in this decade, this was nothing compared to the slew of martial arts films in the 90s. And no-one is a bigger target to all your favourite Channel Awesomers than JCVD!
Taking a cut out of I Am Bruce, Jean plays a semi-autobiography of himself, an aging, bankrupt movie star with alimony coming out the wazoo, who's directorial debut about his connection to his faith, lost him many of his over-excited teenagers that his film caters for!
This is considered his comeback film-so lets find out if JCVD paid his "dits" or if he hasn't still got his "wakaka"?
Okay this is a bad start, it's being produced by Gaumont, the animation company that makes Oggy and the cockroaches-AKA Tom and Jerry Knockoff With Gay Overtones!
So we see the man himself doing this thing on set of his latest film, until an actor collapses the entire set by banging a door, Jean complains that he can't do a scene in 1 take at his age, the Japanese director berates him in Japanese, who asks if Jean thinks he's making Citizen Kane
NO ONE EXPECTS CITIZEN KANE FROM JCVD! ONLY THAT HE TOOK HIS ELOCUTION LESSONS!
We cut to a paternity Trial, where the prosecutor has harped on about the violence in JC's Movies, thus losing the right to custody to his daughter. It turns out to be a flashback, transitioned nicely by a wavy wipe that turns into JC washing his face to hide the fact that he was crying!
-JC asks if can he at least be rewritten use a gun in some scenes so he can catch his breath-but the director's assistant says he won't because JCVD's characters never used guns because they were "pure!"
JEAN CLAUDE FOR 13TH DOCTOR! YOU HEARD IT HERE 1ST!
We cut to Belgium where in a video shop an Arab man is laughing at the authenticity of an Arab Character in a film, when JCVD Walks by, he and the shop owner stop him for autographs, before he heads off, an elderly cab-driver, tries to park on double yellows when a cop arrives-when she berates JCVD-Shots are fired-literally! as the Post Office he went to is robbed. the policeman runs to see Van Damme boarding up a window, the sliding door opens so much to let fly a few bullets into his leg as the policeman calls for backup!
The Next scene is the video-shop turned base for the police-At this point, the entire film is in Flemish with subtitles. Commissioner Christian Bruges comes in contact with JCVD, who tells him a man is unconscious and bleeding and to send a doctor in, unarmed, LT. Pertier of the SWAT Team has arrived, but since the police are not trusted they are told to come in just their underpants as the crowd mocks them.
Inside Jean Claude has a man who is obviously not a villain (!) at knifepoint, but when the doctor treats the wounded man, Van damme attacks him, but what the police doesn't see is that 1 of the robbers had a gun pointing at him, and he quickly pockets it, the hostages too scared to speak out of turn.
Inside and outside the heels and faces argue-the robbers talk about asking for a higher ransom, the police about sending in the swat team, Another wiretap reveals the robbers are using van damme as their mouthpiece/scapegoat, as being seen putting up a barricade by the traffic cop has reached the media, and the robbers doesn't take kindly to him adding his own terms to pay his lawyers!
In the holding room a montage of interviews by the man himself is spliced with a laff-trak, this leads to another paternity trial as Gloria Van Damme reveals she doesn't want to live with her father because of those interviews and she is being bullied.
This leads to straight after, when van damme is with his agent, when Gloria comes up, he quotes the Bard, and says "The Time And The Hour, In The Longest Day" basically, a dick-way of saying "Life Goes On" causing JCVD to leave for Belgium and to current events
In Belgium, Jcvd gets even worse news from Bernstien, his lawyer: the cheque has bounced and if he doesn't get the 64k, the case will be dropped.
We see how the what really happened when the robbery started, the robber called Arthur who is chummy with JC? Well he was posing as security guard, but Van Damme was desperate to wire money to his lawyers and got caught. We catch up to after the hostage gets shot, where Arthur is talking to JCVD and makes his feelings known about John Woo.
"If it wasn't for you, (Van Damme), that cunt would still be filming pigeons in Hong Kong!"
When he asks about to do with the shot hostage, Jean Claude says the man is in shock, when it happened to him in the making of Hard Target, he needed smelling salts.
This is funny! though, it's a hostage situation, with Stockholm syndrome...In reverse!
As the other robbers rebuild a barricade, Bruges is trying to question the woman driver who got shot, in the holding room, Arthur has stood up Coughing Hostage and put a cigarette in his mouth, so JCVD can kick it out, which he does to forced applause. Arthur tries it but collapses onto the hostage!
In the police station, the pigs go through JC's stuff, Bruges finds pictures of his daughter so he can appeal to his better nature, until he remembers that JCVD Attacked his doctor who was unarmed and carried out!
We cut to even earlier, JCVD Trying to draw money from the ATM, And we are now back in English, as he phones his agent for a loan, But he has bad news Stephen Seagall got the part he wanted and when VD asks for money anyway, his agent shafts him by doing the False Interference trope, but with an actual traffic jam soundboard!
Turns out the female driver who got shot was Jean Claude's cab-driver and berates him the entire journey for being a Jack-ass in real life-To flash back unexpectedly back to present events, the crowd is getting restless As Bruges struggles to get things under control, Bruges calls JC That he has arranged the ransom and the lawyers fees and all he has to do is release a mother and child hostages-and things seem to be going smoothly-UNTIL JC'S PARENTS SHOW UP!
Back inside Bad Hair Day Robber loses his shit again and tells him the kid won't leave but the mother will...because he's afraid the kid will talk?
Er...that kid is not a threat to you 1) the kid looks 4 at the most 2) a child that young is in legal terms an "incredible witness"-meaning a child lacks the emotional maturity to cope, comprehend and fully remember traumatic events. So JCVD Talks to his mother but at gunpoint, agitated JCVD tells his mother to leave him alone and get his lawyer right now!
Jean Claude and Bad Hair Day have a stand off-escalating at the same time the mother hostage is being separated from her son, JCVD Tells the mother he'll protect him, she replies "Speak for yourself!" Back in the Hostage room Jean's seat rises into the studio lights for him to break the 4th wall, he thanks his fans for sticking with him over the years and he was gong to him a "gift" (this film) and a "promise"-a promise of a realistic ending to this film-"I Win but Still lose!" he talks about that's his assessment of his life-really! he wanted to be a star, he went from stealing bread to being seen in Hollywood, but at the expense of everything-every time he thought he gained, he really lost, until he went to Thailand he saw people worse of than him, happy with just the martial arts, finding the inner peace that had alluded him, he decided to do the one thing that is hard for him-being the best JCVD he can be! he slumps back in his chair as it descends back into the film universe and the film concludes.
So lets finish this!
Arthur and Jean Claude free the child, Arthur stands to Bad hair day, Arthur shoots him dead, Van Damme's Lawyer shafts him after receiving his money, Top Heavy releases the prisoners, But the riot squad shoots Arthur dead, Top Heavy uses JC as hostage, but he fights back and gets arrested-he's tried, he found innocent of the robbery-but they pop him for 3 years for extorting the lawyers fees!
And so the film ends in prison With Jean Claude teaching Martial Arts as his estranged Daughter finally sees him.
So how was this film?
(STANDS UP)
(SLOW CLAP INTO SINCERE ROUND OF APPLAUSE!)
This film!, oh man this film! where was this guy during the 90s?
Who thought a subdued JCVD would be so enjoyable to watch? Here we see the aging star in the rut he is in. the script is smart and savvy, from the back handed compliments of his countrymen, to the superdickery of the Americans, all presented in this luxuriously contrasting cinematography-the harsh light of Hollywood and the dark recesses of the hostage room-this film has the mood right down to a tee. Having it in mostly his native tongue was a better choice and idea of what would happen an action star was put in real life action film is a good plot. You can also say that the robbers are a microcosm of Jean's Career, Arthur's innocence being cajoled by rage (Top Heavy) and Ego (Bad Hair), many convos between them is actually about killing the hostages because Murderers are more famous than Bank Robbers!
In short, JCVD: A cerebral film with no Martial Arts, but that's not a bad thing!
CREDITS
JCVD was reviewed compiled and edited, by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli)
With music Modern Love by Unknown Artist
JCVD Is produced by Gaumont and distributed by Revolver Films. All rights Reserved
NEXT MONTH: THE GOLDEN COMPASS!
Friday, January 30, 2015
EPISODE 86: Eamonn Reviews Mr's Brown D'Movie
(This months theme-From the Soundtrack-The Script-Hail, Rain or Sunshine)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJRs8bSEhLQ
This month, I'm reviewing one of the most divisive franchises ever in recent memory, and 1 that is homegrown in Ireland: The Mrs Brown Franchise!
Yes you either see it as the BAFTA and IFTA winning comedy, the live theatre shows that fill the Point and Wembly to capacity, The show that told Putin to go feck himself when he ordered O'Carroll to re-write the character of Rory to be straight, and the money maker that has spawned books, dvd's and t-shirts, in other words you can't go into any city centre in Ireland without it on the telly, or a meme quoted at you! The Show also has a good deal of Meta-Humour in it!
~Or, you're on the other side and see it for what it is-A man in a dress telling jokes he nicked out of a Jo Brand and Joan Rivers joke books and dirty postcards, putting shows on with his family because no-one else would work with him!
Okay maybe I'm spreading the 2 opposing sides too thickly and I should find my centre, and to do that, It'll help if I explained the backstory!
Agnes Brown is the Creation of Brendan O'Carroll, An elderly, straight-talking, pushy but ultimately caring, Mother of 6, Now adult children, each one being the wide spectrum of Ireland after the Boom years-Micheal, a priest, Mark, a contracter, Trevor, a son who immigrated to Oz, Cathy, a Mature Student, Rory, a Hairdresser, and Dermot, a sandwich-board man, Agnes is also caregiver (though I use the term loosely) to her Father in-Law. Mark is married to Betty. Rory is in a Civil Partnership with Dino and Damien is Married to Maria, who in turn is also friends with local skanger, Buster Brady!
It seems that these days I'm becoming the "FOOTNOTE GUY" of ChannelAwesome!, so here are some handy Footnotes for all non-Irish readers!
Moore Street in Dublin, is famous for it's open Marketplace of Fruit sold out of pallets and of prams, get apples for mere pennies and get diphtheria for free!
Skanger=CHAV, If you don't know what a chav is I explained that in part 1 of my Horrid Henry Review, this time last year!
So with that handy guide, let's take the Green Double Decker To Moore Street, this is Mrs Brown, D'Movie,
We start with Agnes (Brendan O'Carroll) waking up after oversleeping, the morning routine is off and not going her way...except it's 5 in the evening, leaving the shows TV set and telling the audience she's excited about something, she pulls down the Dublin backdrop and reveals the real thing!
-YEAH ABOUT THAT! MRS BROWN'S TV SHOW IS NOT FILMED IN IRELAND! IT'S NOT EVEN FILMED BY IRISH TV! IT'S FILMED IN SCOTLAND BY THE BBC!
After a musical number of the Moore Street Traders setting up shop, Agnes gets a letter from the Revenue.
PLOT POINT!
At her fruit stall, she sees her son Dermot and his wife Maria(One of O'Carroll's real daughters) and their baby triplets. For those who don't watch the show, Dermot's running joke is that he's a sandwich board man with 5 minute breaks so he can't change out of whatever (usually embarrassing) costume he's told to wear! When Agnes asks how Buster (O'Carroll's real life son!) is doing...we cut to a courtroom.
Buster is on trial (seemingly again, by the judges comments!) for stealing a horse, back on Moore Street, Another Stall has being Seized by the County Council, When Agnes ponders who would gain from this, we cut to our villains for this piece, a corrupt politician and a Russian Mafia don they are going to pull down Moore Street and put up a NOT-ALDI! in it's place!
So Agnes visits Kathy (Jennifer O'Carroll, Brendan's Real Life Wife) at her job in advertising, Kathy refutes Mammie's want of her inheriting the stall.
At church, Kathy confronts Agnes about the letter she got about the tax she owes, However the 94 Punt that her grandmother owes has ballooned to €4MILLION, in crisis the family has hired Tom Crews, the bumbling lawyer that barely got Buster acquitted.
The next day, A sleazy Lawyer for Not-ALDI! offers to buy the stall and settle the tax dispute. Kathy considers it, but poor Agnes is left consoling her photos of her Granny, the founder of her stall!
That night at Foley's, the Evil politician's name is revealed as Patrick Ryan Irwin-Candidate!
ERRR....I Don't think I've ever seen a electoral Poster where the name and the word candidate had being word-wrapped, but hey! no-one is going to stop an Acronym based joke on my blog! Agnes tells the bar that she was considering, but no matter how much people will try, it won't matter, Only for Winnie (O'carrol's Sister) Agnes' best friend to put her foot in her mouth, but remind Agnes of all her past glories fighting for the legacy of Moore Street-much to the annoyance of the Russian bodyguard listening at the bar-Ending with Mrs Brown's visoog on the cover of the Irish Star!
-MUST BE A SLOW DAY FOR THE IRISH STAR, USUALLY THEY JUST CUT AND PASTE THE BRITISH STAR AND CALL IT OUR NEWS! We Even have-HOW'S THIS FOR A MINDFUCK FOR IRISH PEOPLE?-But NORTHERN IRISH! news anchor Eamonn Holmes, in RTE!-cutting over to TV3!'S Karen Kostner! for those outside Ireland, I'm getting at Ireland has 3 news stations- despite it's size, and only but Holmes as the One of 2 Irish celebs the Brits would recognize! Naturally the family are shocked but Agnes is soaking it up!
Dermot has his 5 minute break from being a Garden Gnome so he goes to the Community Centre to see buster doing Community Service taking over for Mr Wang (also Brendan O'Carroll) in teaching his Ninja school...for the blind! this will be part of the film climax!
And the next scene is one that scoured many eyeballs in the trailer, Agnes' gay son in a thong maniki trying to swim the channel! MOVING ON!
Dermot and Buster try to confront the Russians but only make matters worse. On the other side of the bar, Grandad has seen the entire shameful scene, gets the phone and tells the other end to get the "unit" back together,
Later that night, outside a Russian Coffee shop, Grandad's Unit, all equally elderly men, watch Hammer Murphy, the bomb-maker with Parkinson's! it fails as you would have guessed, the bomb killing Murphy kilometres from the Russian shop.
The next day A neighbour tell agnes that her mother saw her grandmother pay the tax all those years ago, She also kept the receipt all those years, and Granny Brown paid after her! Crews hires a Lawyer called Mr Mayall-Archer (Audrey's Boyfriend out of Corrie!), Whose life was also ruined by P.R.I.C. And NOT-ALDI! He also tells Agnes that he suffers from Tourette's Under severe stress, and of course the aged witness dies!
OF COURSE SHE FUCKING DOES!
After Agnes and Winnie speed off from the funeral to National Record Services Where Blue Tooth Conversation Confusion (Why is this not a trope yet?) gets Agnes and Winnie Thrown out. Subderfuge by Dermot and Buster also fail spectacularly!
They should have called it "PLAN XANDER!" And have done with it!
That night, Buster gets his blind ninjas to attack the National Records ,but they injure themselves. A radio Interview (with cameo by Irish Talk Radio host Joe Duffy) reveal that Agnes put her children into care, thus potentially giving P.R.I.C. a counterclaim for their trail.
The next day at her stall, Agnes is so full of grief about putting the children in care all those years ago. she goes to church to confess...only for the audience to learn that It's being Wiretapped by the Russians!
...OH NO(!) The Catholic Church in Ireland is not on the-up-and-up, Colour me NOT SURPRISED!
The Day of the Trail. and PRIC is the prosecutor, who brings up Agnes collecting the children's allowance whilst her children were in care. This sets off Mr Mayall-Archer's Tourette's and the Judge (Frank Kelly) can't take him seriously.
So buster makes another daring raid with the blind ninjas, back at home, the family have already forgivin Mammie, but she's missing, Kathy finds her inconsolable mother, but Mammie does explain that the nuns gave her a choice of only 2 to raise but refused, so she took all her children and jail-time. Kathy forgives Agnes.
In the Records Office, the Ninjas discover the receipt is missing deducing from the witnesses own docket that if Granny Brown was next in line the adjacent number will in storage-except it's missing-we cut to PRIC burning it, but reading the docket again, makes one of the ninjas tell Buster and Wang that the tax inspector was blind! and if the tax inspector was blind, then two dockets would be on display in the hall of records-one in braille! So the ninjas find it and are on the run.
Agnes goes to Moore street to apologise to the traders, but they are gone, only to see all the traders at court. Buster escapes via air-vents and "borrows" Mr wang's Tuk-Tuk to escape the gun toting rushkies with the receipt. It ends with Damien, Agnes and Buster out Petrol on Ha'penny Bridge, surrounded by Gards and Russians, until the notice of the A-team's music, shows Grandad on a boat, with the music blaring out of a radio. telling them to jump into River Liffey, With buster causing a hole in the boat. Mark Brown (another son, but not in real life!) drives buster and Damien to the Russians split up but 1 gives chase, but it turns out that Buster gave agnes a betting slip by accident and the Russians did a number on Mark's Van.
But remember Buster's Trail for Stealing A Horse-I DIDN'T! until we see him on 1 whilst still dressed as a ninja
Back at court-PRIC lets out the amount offered by Not-ALDI, giving the bumbling Crews a fighting chance. Kathy gives an impassioned speech and reveals that she's ready to inherit the stall on her turn.
So let's fecking finish this fecking fecker!
Buster and Damien in a nod to Into The West, Burst into the Supreme Court with the Evidence on the Horse, Mrs Brown Wins the Case, The Russians capture PRIC, Agnes signs off with her catchphrase, "It always works out in the end" as cast, crew and stunt people dance on the steps of the Supreme Court.
And so I suppose you want me to finally put this film to rest-Well I can't help you because HALF OF THIS FILM SUCKS!
When I said that this film was divisive, I was not kidding!
Postives include actually filmed in Dublin, rather than the shows sound stage in Scotland and it's cameos of Irish celebrities (Joe Duffy, Shane Duffy, John Kenny) though the newsreaders in the wrong studios made me deduct points for realism. And I was surprised by Jenny O'Carroll's little filibuster at the end of the court scene-She can really act!
But at the end of the day, it's still a man in dress making cock jokes and I didn't like the double shift of Brendan as Mr Wang-who we are told is not Chinese, he's just very tanned, but doesn't stop him from speaking Engrish Ranguage! The other running joke of Raj being mistaken for Jamaican, when, with a name like Raj, definitely isn't, went nowhere. As then they're were some of the extras, who stared into the camera and hammed it up-or maybe they were relations too!
Still he's my final say: Mrs Brown D'Movie: A Marmite film and just maybe, Europe's answer to Office Space In that Regard!
CREDITS
Mrs Brown D'Movie was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music from
The Script: Hail Rain or Sunshine
Mrs Brown D'Movie is Property of the BBC and Distributed by Universal. All Rights Reserved
Follow me on Twitter @RealEnli
NEXT MONTH:THIS MONTH A DIVISIVE FILM, NEXT MONTH A DIVISIVE ACTOR, WITH THE WORLD AGAINST HIM, HOW DOES THE MUSCLES FROM BRUSSELS FARE IN HIS COMEBACK, JCVD?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJRs8bSEhLQ
This month, I'm reviewing one of the most divisive franchises ever in recent memory, and 1 that is homegrown in Ireland: The Mrs Brown Franchise!
Yes you either see it as the BAFTA and IFTA winning comedy, the live theatre shows that fill the Point and Wembly to capacity, The show that told Putin to go feck himself when he ordered O'Carroll to re-write the character of Rory to be straight, and the money maker that has spawned books, dvd's and t-shirts, in other words you can't go into any city centre in Ireland without it on the telly, or a meme quoted at you! The Show also has a good deal of Meta-Humour in it!
~Or, you're on the other side and see it for what it is-A man in a dress telling jokes he nicked out of a Jo Brand and Joan Rivers joke books and dirty postcards, putting shows on with his family because no-one else would work with him!
Okay maybe I'm spreading the 2 opposing sides too thickly and I should find my centre, and to do that, It'll help if I explained the backstory!
Agnes Brown is the Creation of Brendan O'Carroll, An elderly, straight-talking, pushy but ultimately caring, Mother of 6, Now adult children, each one being the wide spectrum of Ireland after the Boom years-Micheal, a priest, Mark, a contracter, Trevor, a son who immigrated to Oz, Cathy, a Mature Student, Rory, a Hairdresser, and Dermot, a sandwich-board man, Agnes is also caregiver (though I use the term loosely) to her Father in-Law. Mark is married to Betty. Rory is in a Civil Partnership with Dino and Damien is Married to Maria, who in turn is also friends with local skanger, Buster Brady!
It seems that these days I'm becoming the "FOOTNOTE GUY" of ChannelAwesome!, so here are some handy Footnotes for all non-Irish readers!
Moore Street in Dublin, is famous for it's open Marketplace of Fruit sold out of pallets and of prams, get apples for mere pennies and get diphtheria for free!
Skanger=CHAV, If you don't know what a chav is I explained that in part 1 of my Horrid Henry Review, this time last year!
So with that handy guide, let's take the Green Double Decker To Moore Street, this is Mrs Brown, D'Movie,
We start with Agnes (Brendan O'Carroll) waking up after oversleeping, the morning routine is off and not going her way...except it's 5 in the evening, leaving the shows TV set and telling the audience she's excited about something, she pulls down the Dublin backdrop and reveals the real thing!
-YEAH ABOUT THAT! MRS BROWN'S TV SHOW IS NOT FILMED IN IRELAND! IT'S NOT EVEN FILMED BY IRISH TV! IT'S FILMED IN SCOTLAND BY THE BBC!
After a musical number of the Moore Street Traders setting up shop, Agnes gets a letter from the Revenue.
PLOT POINT!
At her fruit stall, she sees her son Dermot and his wife Maria(One of O'Carroll's real daughters) and their baby triplets. For those who don't watch the show, Dermot's running joke is that he's a sandwich board man with 5 minute breaks so he can't change out of whatever (usually embarrassing) costume he's told to wear! When Agnes asks how Buster (O'Carroll's real life son!) is doing...we cut to a courtroom.
Buster is on trial (seemingly again, by the judges comments!) for stealing a horse, back on Moore Street, Another Stall has being Seized by the County Council, When Agnes ponders who would gain from this, we cut to our villains for this piece, a corrupt politician and a Russian Mafia don they are going to pull down Moore Street and put up a NOT-ALDI! in it's place!
So Agnes visits Kathy (Jennifer O'Carroll, Brendan's Real Life Wife) at her job in advertising, Kathy refutes Mammie's want of her inheriting the stall.
At church, Kathy confronts Agnes about the letter she got about the tax she owes, However the 94 Punt that her grandmother owes has ballooned to €4MILLION, in crisis the family has hired Tom Crews, the bumbling lawyer that barely got Buster acquitted.
The next day, A sleazy Lawyer for Not-ALDI! offers to buy the stall and settle the tax dispute. Kathy considers it, but poor Agnes is left consoling her photos of her Granny, the founder of her stall!
That night at Foley's, the Evil politician's name is revealed as Patrick Ryan Irwin-Candidate!
ERRR....I Don't think I've ever seen a electoral Poster where the name and the word candidate had being word-wrapped, but hey! no-one is going to stop an Acronym based joke on my blog! Agnes tells the bar that she was considering, but no matter how much people will try, it won't matter, Only for Winnie (O'carrol's Sister) Agnes' best friend to put her foot in her mouth, but remind Agnes of all her past glories fighting for the legacy of Moore Street-much to the annoyance of the Russian bodyguard listening at the bar-Ending with Mrs Brown's visoog on the cover of the Irish Star!
-MUST BE A SLOW DAY FOR THE IRISH STAR, USUALLY THEY JUST CUT AND PASTE THE BRITISH STAR AND CALL IT OUR NEWS! We Even have-HOW'S THIS FOR A MINDFUCK FOR IRISH PEOPLE?-But NORTHERN IRISH! news anchor Eamonn Holmes, in RTE!-cutting over to TV3!'S Karen Kostner! for those outside Ireland, I'm getting at Ireland has 3 news stations- despite it's size, and only but Holmes as the One of 2 Irish celebs the Brits would recognize! Naturally the family are shocked but Agnes is soaking it up!
Dermot has his 5 minute break from being a Garden Gnome so he goes to the Community Centre to see buster doing Community Service taking over for Mr Wang (also Brendan O'Carroll) in teaching his Ninja school...for the blind! this will be part of the film climax!
And the next scene is one that scoured many eyeballs in the trailer, Agnes' gay son in a thong maniki trying to swim the channel! MOVING ON!
Dermot and Buster try to confront the Russians but only make matters worse. On the other side of the bar, Grandad has seen the entire shameful scene, gets the phone and tells the other end to get the "unit" back together,
Later that night, outside a Russian Coffee shop, Grandad's Unit, all equally elderly men, watch Hammer Murphy, the bomb-maker with Parkinson's! it fails as you would have guessed, the bomb killing Murphy kilometres from the Russian shop.
The next day A neighbour tell agnes that her mother saw her grandmother pay the tax all those years ago, She also kept the receipt all those years, and Granny Brown paid after her! Crews hires a Lawyer called Mr Mayall-Archer (Audrey's Boyfriend out of Corrie!), Whose life was also ruined by P.R.I.C. And NOT-ALDI! He also tells Agnes that he suffers from Tourette's Under severe stress, and of course the aged witness dies!
OF COURSE SHE FUCKING DOES!
After Agnes and Winnie speed off from the funeral to National Record Services Where Blue Tooth Conversation Confusion (Why is this not a trope yet?) gets Agnes and Winnie Thrown out. Subderfuge by Dermot and Buster also fail spectacularly!
They should have called it "PLAN XANDER!" And have done with it!
That night, Buster gets his blind ninjas to attack the National Records ,but they injure themselves. A radio Interview (with cameo by Irish Talk Radio host Joe Duffy) reveal that Agnes put her children into care, thus potentially giving P.R.I.C. a counterclaim for their trail.
The next day at her stall, Agnes is so full of grief about putting the children in care all those years ago. she goes to church to confess...only for the audience to learn that It's being Wiretapped by the Russians!
...OH NO(!) The Catholic Church in Ireland is not on the-up-and-up, Colour me NOT SURPRISED!
The Day of the Trail. and PRIC is the prosecutor, who brings up Agnes collecting the children's allowance whilst her children were in care. This sets off Mr Mayall-Archer's Tourette's and the Judge (Frank Kelly) can't take him seriously.
So buster makes another daring raid with the blind ninjas, back at home, the family have already forgivin Mammie, but she's missing, Kathy finds her inconsolable mother, but Mammie does explain that the nuns gave her a choice of only 2 to raise but refused, so she took all her children and jail-time. Kathy forgives Agnes.
In the Records Office, the Ninjas discover the receipt is missing deducing from the witnesses own docket that if Granny Brown was next in line the adjacent number will in storage-except it's missing-we cut to PRIC burning it, but reading the docket again, makes one of the ninjas tell Buster and Wang that the tax inspector was blind! and if the tax inspector was blind, then two dockets would be on display in the hall of records-one in braille! So the ninjas find it and are on the run.
Agnes goes to Moore street to apologise to the traders, but they are gone, only to see all the traders at court. Buster escapes via air-vents and "borrows" Mr wang's Tuk-Tuk to escape the gun toting rushkies with the receipt. It ends with Damien, Agnes and Buster out Petrol on Ha'penny Bridge, surrounded by Gards and Russians, until the notice of the A-team's music, shows Grandad on a boat, with the music blaring out of a radio. telling them to jump into River Liffey, With buster causing a hole in the boat. Mark Brown (another son, but not in real life!) drives buster and Damien to the Russians split up but 1 gives chase, but it turns out that Buster gave agnes a betting slip by accident and the Russians did a number on Mark's Van.
But remember Buster's Trail for Stealing A Horse-I DIDN'T! until we see him on 1 whilst still dressed as a ninja
Back at court-PRIC lets out the amount offered by Not-ALDI, giving the bumbling Crews a fighting chance. Kathy gives an impassioned speech and reveals that she's ready to inherit the stall on her turn.
So let's fecking finish this fecking fecker!
Buster and Damien in a nod to Into The West, Burst into the Supreme Court with the Evidence on the Horse, Mrs Brown Wins the Case, The Russians capture PRIC, Agnes signs off with her catchphrase, "It always works out in the end" as cast, crew and stunt people dance on the steps of the Supreme Court.
And so I suppose you want me to finally put this film to rest-Well I can't help you because HALF OF THIS FILM SUCKS!
When I said that this film was divisive, I was not kidding!
Postives include actually filmed in Dublin, rather than the shows sound stage in Scotland and it's cameos of Irish celebrities (Joe Duffy, Shane Duffy, John Kenny) though the newsreaders in the wrong studios made me deduct points for realism. And I was surprised by Jenny O'Carroll's little filibuster at the end of the court scene-She can really act!
But at the end of the day, it's still a man in dress making cock jokes and I didn't like the double shift of Brendan as Mr Wang-who we are told is not Chinese, he's just very tanned, but doesn't stop him from speaking Engrish Ranguage! The other running joke of Raj being mistaken for Jamaican, when, with a name like Raj, definitely isn't, went nowhere. As then they're were some of the extras, who stared into the camera and hammed it up-or maybe they were relations too!
Still he's my final say: Mrs Brown D'Movie: A Marmite film and just maybe, Europe's answer to Office Space In that Regard!
CREDITS
Mrs Brown D'Movie was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music from
The Script: Hail Rain or Sunshine
Mrs Brown D'Movie is Property of the BBC and Distributed by Universal. All Rights Reserved
Follow me on Twitter @RealEnli
NEXT MONTH:THIS MONTH A DIVISIVE FILM, NEXT MONTH A DIVISIVE ACTOR, WITH THE WORLD AGAINST HIM, HOW DOES THE MUSCLES FROM BRUSSELS FARE IN HIS COMEBACK, JCVD?
Monday, January 5, 2015
Eamonn Reviews Dumb and Dumberer
(This Month's Theme-From the soundtrack, and as any old excuse to play the Who-Magic Bus!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bl9bvuAV-Ao
Dateline: Friday the 26th December 2013.
The Day the Finite Pool of Xmas Joy ran out of me.
As I returned to my home after yearly get-together with my family, I started to work on this. and as soon the opening joke manifested, out came the white drinking chocolate snowball, and in it's place my trusty can of Monster. YES IT WAS ON OF THOSE FILMS, AND THE ENLIGHTENED WAS BACK!
Up until recently, Jim Carrey was considered the smartest, shrewdest actor in Hollywood ,Despite Making his money in the 90's at the top of this popularity, pitches for Mask and Trueman show sequels never swayed him, I mean Ace Ventura 2 must have Weaned him off sequels forever, not that any original productions since the 2000's have had the desired affect. the magic was there but for magic to work the set-up and assistants must be precise, also!
With Dumber and Dumber To getting it's divisive reviews, it's save to say that everyone agrees....THAT DUMB AND DUMBERER IS THE DOG'S BOLLOCKS!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bl9bvuAV-Ao
Dateline: Friday the 26th December 2013.
The Day the Finite Pool of Xmas Joy ran out of me.
As I returned to my home after yearly get-together with my family, I started to work on this. and as soon the opening joke manifested, out came the white drinking chocolate snowball, and in it's place my trusty can of Monster. YES IT WAS ON OF THOSE FILMS, AND THE ENLIGHTENED WAS BACK!
Up until recently, Jim Carrey was considered the smartest, shrewdest actor in Hollywood ,Despite Making his money in the 90's at the top of this popularity, pitches for Mask and Trueman show sequels never swayed him, I mean Ace Ventura 2 must have Weaned him off sequels forever, not that any original productions since the 2000's have had the desired affect. the magic was there but for magic to work the set-up and assistants must be precise, also!
With Dumber and Dumber To getting it's divisive reviews, it's save to say that everyone agrees....THAT DUMB AND DUMBERER IS THE DOG'S BOLLOCKS!
I mean, look at this dvd cover, here the young Lloyd and Harry have contorted their bodies to look like apes in the Ascent Of Man Display. Also One Thing is very hard to Miss. The actors Names. Who are these Men in their 1st starring Roles, Did the studio had that little Faith in revealing even the names of these Schmucks to the Public?
We Open to a classy start-the first person view of the Birth of Harry Dunne-8 years later the lonely Harry is being home schooled but has an imaginary friend. Cut 10 more years and his mother tricks Harry to going to high school. By giving him a fake treasure map of the school.
Meanwhile Lloyd's humble beginnings as the (Obviously Adoptive) son of the school janitor, raised on stolen supplies and dressed with Lost clothing! Because he lives in the school, he actually leaves the school grounds when the class bell goes!
So you know where this is going, each of the dumbasses bump into each other, Harry dislodging a top tooth in Lloyd's mouth to reveal this gap!
So it was a self-fulfilling prophecy, like Oz frightening the Cowardly lion in the first place!
And thus 30+ year game of tag begins!
Lloyd explains how cliques work however Lloyd's mix of dumbness and potentially dark sense of self-delusion, completely gets it wrong, Harry falls for the most popular girl in school, Jessica, who is a reporter doing a report on Harry, she is also the girlfriend to Lloyd's bully. Of course she fucking is!
We cut to Principle Collin's (Eugene Levy) plans to defraud the Rhode Island Education Board by putting all his smarter and socially awkward students into a Fake Special Needs Class to use the money to buy a house in Hawaii, Eying our 2 putzes as a pair of patsys.
HEY ROBERT BRENER, SIT AND SPIN!
Speaking as someone with Mild Asperger's Syndrome, you're saying that people like me who gained Higher Education are beneath you, and yet here you are ,the writer of what many consider to be the most insulting film of all time!
So "The Special Needs" class is basically the lunchlady Principal Collins is having an affair with taking the two putzes into the kitchen and recruiting them to "find more of their kind!", as a fuller number of students would legitimize the grant money. This leads to a montage of recruiting the school's slackers and reprobates too lazy to do actual schoolwork, Ending with the reveal of GobShia La Bouef, Meaning the the bits so far of Harry's first person view of his birth and Lloyd drying himself with sanitary towels, those have been the classy jokes!
So the 2 have a sleepover at Harry's where Lloyd thinks Harry's Mum has came on to him, MOVING ON!
The next day, the Principal shoves his patsy's into the Janitor's shed as their new classroom, forgetting that important fact that Lloyd is the Janitor's son. When Lloyd explains, his dad misunderstands and is so proud of being the son of someone in a "gifted" class!
So the Patsys go their separate ways. But with Harry and Lloyd getting "Slushees" (Fun Fact: none of the world's Slushed Ice drinks companies wanted anything to do with merching this turd, until Slushee, an Irish company took the call, and so proud of being the 1st Irish company to be advertised in an American film, Screenshots of the following Brainfreeze scene adorned their cups. But your film, set in 20th century America must so bad if not even Coke or MacDonalds are present!) So Lloyd introduces Harry to the addictive but temperance-approved joy of the Slushee-a 4 Celsius Mushroom Samba which is ultimately a-
So Collins and the LunchLady are having a luau to celebrate that the cheque is coming in the day of the Thanksgiving week school Parade. He then locks all pertaining documents into what looks like a treasure chest.
(Heads in hands!)
A TREASURE CHEST....AND TWO GOMS WHO HAVE A FAKE TREASURE MAP OF THE SCHOOL.
Now i feel like my head is in a brain freeze!
And Sure enough, the then forgotten map makes a brief comeback before Jessica questions the Legitimacy of the Special Class, before they hop on the short bus to the Museum.
Jessica tails the short-bus and tells Harry the Special Class is a scam. When she invites him to her house, he misunderstands and think it's a date. Lloyd tells him to get her some chocolates.
....And that's when Quality of the Comedy in this movie slips from 3-star to Wayans Brother Levels.
Harry has a bar of Chocolate in his back trouser pocket and Jessica makes Harry sit on a radiator. The overheated chocolate swells his buttocks area and the ensuing explosion of chocolate all over Jessica's house in front of her parents makes look like he shit over the place!
GOT THAT?
GOOD!
WASTED 20 MINUTES OF MY LIFE WATCHING IT FIRST HAND!
In the midst of the chaos, Lloyd who was his wingman, thinks he's now in with a shot. And Jessica...actually leads him on!, Just so she can use his father's skeleton keys! but Lloyd isn't not pleased by Jessica using innuendo and just leaves, but then he finds the Chest. But we go through a Broken friendship Montage, the Only Satisfying bit is Lloyd tackling SHITTY LABOUF!
Collins finds this chest stolen and wrongly accuses Jessica, the Lunchlady distracts the "Special Needs" class by making a float, debunking all ideas, because it needs to look like it's made by Special people ie. crap looking!
So after a 3rd montage! (This film is nothing but montages!) the class make a washington float. After a painful scene with the two gobdaws bribing a child to get them slushees, they rescue a kidnapped Jessica by causing a gas station explosion that propels their shopping cart down the street but get distracted by icecream. Jessica leads on the two mouthbreathers on a bit more, tricking them into opening the chest. At the parade the special needs class sees and hears all the evidence, Transforming Washington into an effigy of Collins dressed as a pirate.
Now to finish this!
Collins is rumbled and arrested for 20 years. Harry and Lloyd are deemed heroes by all but blow off the advances of twins, resulting in harry getting covered in mud, Leading to another confrontation with Jessica's father who still thinks Harry is covered in shit again, despite obvious mud tracks and holes everywhere!
OH GOD, PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON MY EYEBALLS, BECAUSE THIS FILM SUCKS!
This film is repulsive!
Not just to Autistic People, but to comedy, every mistimed joke, every punchline that doesn't hit it's mark, every padding montage, every vile characterization. I don't know who those sclumbs were and I don't care. Prequels are film art that has not being fully practiced. let alone Mastered
CREDITS
Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd was Reviewed Compiled and edited by Eamonn Bermingham (follow on twitter @RealEnli)
With Clips and music from:
Nostalgia critic
Mr's brown
and Music "Magic Bus" by the Who
Dumb and Dumber is Distributed by Entertainment In Video, All rights Reserved and all clips belong to their respective owners
NEXT MONTH: WANT TO HEAR THE MOST ANNOYING SOUND IN THE WORLD?
Friday, November 28, 2014
Christmas Special: Eamonn reviews Moshi Monsters the Movie
(THIS MONTH'S THEME...THIS WAS ROBBED OF CHRISTMAS NUMBER 1 LAST YEAR! #BOYCOTTXFACTOR2014
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-43GXLnjTo
(Eamonn holds up the dvd of this months film, His Face is a Masque of Disbelief)
I...Ah...Well....What Did I....I Mean....Uh....I Don't...Even,....WHAT? WHAT DID I JUST WATCH?
Ever since last year and i zimmered through Bionicle, I decided to do a toy franchise movie every year!
But First Some Background Info that for those who don't know what Moshi is...YEAH GOOD LUCK WITH THAT!
Moshi Doesn't have a Tv Tropes page, nor do I trust Wrong-A-pedia, who once said RD Reynolds died and That Samuel L. Jackson was buying Shelbourne Rovers!
But I started as, and still am, a wrestling reviewer, and when i'm in a pinch I use that trade's best weapons: observations and Pooled resources.
so from what I gathered is that Moshi Monsters is a MMORPG Where players can assume 1 of 6 Moshis customise it's house and go on missions to earn in game currency to buy items and smaller creatures called Moshlings. Every 3 Months, An ingame event, introduces the new wave of characters which are then turned into the expensive plastic and plushies that do nothing!
And as evidenced in this film, they also don't have 2 original Ideas to rub together!
So let's slide down the sooty chimley to the Grim Grotto for Our xmas special.
We start in a jungle expedition that is no way resembling the 1 in Pokemon: the First Movie
IMPENDING LAWSUIT COUNTER:1
As Buster Bumblechops, a Rabbitty Richard Attenborough, is on a quest to a mysterious temple. So Indiana Jones and the Half-Assed Crusade over here, uncovers his prize, the great Moshling Egg, Breaking his leg in the process.
After the Title Drop,we cut to Our Hero, a Pikachu knockoff called Katsuma...
IMPENDING LAWSUIT COUNTER:2
Telling, Poppet. a PoundLand JigglyPuff...
IMPENDING LAWSUIT COUNTER: 3
...That Rawry Scrawl is making a Documentary about him. Poppet corrects him and says that he's making the film about Monstro City (Yes! this film is!) whilst planting berries that will attract rare monsters
IMPENDING LAWSUIT COUNTER:4
Katsuma shows off my activating his Bakugan Ability card, HIYAH HURRACAINE! Which is also his catchphrase!
IMPENDING LAWSUIT COUNTER: 5
So the 2 mammals of indetermined Species leave for Monstro City as a hand in a bush steals an accordian Moshling. Later in a sweaping shot of the city, a creature causes trouble and steals a poodle, whilst angrily ripping a wanted sign for an outlaw called fish Lips!
In a café Cltuhumanoid Rawry Scrawl is explaining the film as Katsuma complains about the film being not about him. Rawry then reveals that the film will also follow, short tempered volcanic devil Diavlo, Luvli, a flying cherry that talks like a British Luvvy, Furi, a big eater Bigfoot and Zommer, a Lovable Slacker who is a decomposing zombie. They are interrupted by a new report that a moshling stealing Spree has hit the Moshi world However, only Moshis with names that start with G are being kidnapped.
We then cut to a news report About the Great Egg at BumbleChops Hall. The Sight of the egg is sends Poppet's Pet Elephant, Mr Snoodle into a state of panic.
FORESHADOWING!
So the Mains go to see the egg, whilst being spied upon by a Top hat and coat, the main villain Doctor Strangeglove.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vuP6KbIsNK4
No, Isaid StrangeGLOVE!
Aided by Fish-Lips, who we previously seen in a disguise to steal a poodle, The Dr exposits through song of course that he has indeed stolen all the moshlings to feed into his Assimilation Machine, that turns Moshi into creatures called Glomps, Stating he's only stolen moshis whose names start with g, because Glomp starts with G.
ER...?...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3fVj8A-K8E
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mhtwirqe6Lc
The Machine turns cute individual and diverse Moshis into glomps, badly Drawn bouncy balls that are unlikable characters with no personality and only 2 frames of animation.
OH I GET IT!
It's a Johnny Test episode Machine and Dr. StrangeGlove is really Scott Fellows!
So StrangeGlove and his army of mutant testicles steal the egg and vandalise the museum. But his real plan is to make Katsuma unwittingly go on a fetch quest for Ingredients that will turn the hatchling into a Mega Glomp...Wait!
If the Plan is to steal every creatures individuality , Isn't making 1 creature bigger and Stronger that the rest in turn making it an individual?
Congratulations! Britain! I didn't think you'd top Horrid Henry for stupid plans that created a huge plot hole! but you've done it!
So Bumblechops tells katsuma some advice "if you don't stand for Something, you'll fall for anything" Before giving the 6 creatures An Airship.
The Fetch Quest is for 3 rare items I'll spare you the terminology and names used, but they are a rare fruit , Tears from a Blue Weaper and a Rainbow Diamond.
First stop is HumbaLumbaLand, the Africa Stand-in that made me spit out my xmas Snowball Drink. "Humba" being a Racial Slur. for a black person.
Y'KNOW, FOR KIDS!
It's revealed that Katsuma can't Whistle
PLOT POINT!
Something that comes handy to know when Meeting cannibals who communicate solely by whistling!
So Poppet, Katsuma, Furi, Diavolo and Luvli are put in a pot. and need rescuing-despite the fact that DIAVOLO AND LUVLI CAN FLY! AND HAVE BEING FLYING SINCE THEIR CHARACTERS WRE INTRODUCED!
Bullshit aside, Zommer rescues the others by detaching his detaching undead body to win a Limbo Contest, winning the fruit and his friends freedom but staying behind to party.
Escaping the jungle to go to Jollywood, they are captured by StrangeGlove's Partner in crime, an Evil clown called Sweet tooth
IMPENDING LAWSUIT COUNTER:6
When Diavolo helps the others escape by using his lava to melt the binding toffee during the song, The Clown of Ambiguous Gender attacks with all his sweet based weapons. the plan is to Separate Katsuma from his more sensible friends.
...So Basically Katsuma is Sailor Moon?
Diavolo and Luvli are captured with Zommer collected by Scare force 1 later on.
Our 3 remaining heroes uncover the Indian Inspired City of Jollywood, an obvious and ridiculous pun of Bollywood, here they meet Bobbi SingSong a gingerbread man who is a Bollywood superstar, right down to the Moustache and White Velvet Suit. Katsuma replies he's more famous because Bobbi's only famous in Jollywood!
Why do I get the feeling Katsuma has the same agent as Jade Goody?
After Bhranga/Techno ear vomit-LISTEN TO THIS SHIT!..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edgr4KanFRw
The Blue Weeper reveals itself to be...an allusion to Vishnu!
And I can't believe a Toy Company has done this again!
BACKSTORY!
20 Years ago, Matchbox had to discontinue several models of it's Monsters In My Pocket Figures and Trading Cards after being sued by the British Hindu Society after being offended when models based on key gods in their Parthenon were described on their trading cards as "hideous" and "freaky" And even though Moshi has turned their key god into a blue tiger on playing a sitar on a lotus on a cloud, It's no less offensive!
After making GOD! laugh, and collecting his tears, Bobbi teleports our heroes to Mt. Sillyman Jaro, but Furi distracted by food, is teleported to a cell next to Diavolo and Luvli's.
With Blinki the camera out of commission, Katsuma complains no-one will see him save the day loudly causing an avalanche. Poppet and Him blame each other for the mess they're in, until Pratsuma finally realises how much of a prick he is. this leads to another terrible song!
FAST FORWARD BUTTON!
Actually Poppet's Positive Attitude is enough to grow helpful flowers defrost the dead, and reveal the Frosty Rainbow Diamond.
With all 3 artefacts, StrangeGlove brings Scare Force One Around. Poppet has Magic seed from her helpful flowers. StrangeGlove goads Katsuma into doing tricks with egg when he steals it back, which naturally falls out of his paws and into the five remaining fingers of StrangeGlove.
Snoodle attacks StrangeGlove and Fish Lips' cablecar, falling to his (Disney)Death. With all the heroes captured Poppet sings and mourns for her puny pet pachyderm.
Trapped on a Conveyer Belt of Doom. it's revealed Snoodle is alive and uses his whistle to get the airship to collect him.
So let's finish this year with a bang!
Pratsuma, carring Snoodle, uses his Hiyah Hurricaine and Snoodle's whistling to free the other Moshlings, who run of the Glomps and rescue the egg. After the final song, the Egg Hatches into a Mrs Snoodle!
FORESHADOWING HAS ARRIVED!
And It's revealed that the temple has more eggs, just in case Mind Candy plans to release a film for every useless plastic trinket they'll ever Make!
THIS FILM MIGHT SUCK...BUT I JUST THINK IT'S STUPID!
I KNOW NOTHING! And continue knowing nothing from this franchise, and I won't lose sleep about that! the charecters are one dimensional, the villains don't an edge to them, the animation is basic and the songs won't pass the Grey whistle test! But since I'm obviously a man who know nothing I can't really judge it any harder than a Colourful mindscrew to appease fans and babies!
CREDITS
Moshi Monsters was Reviewed Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
with clips from
Moshi Monsters: the Movie
Dr Who
Dr Strangelove
and Music
The RetroBot-Christmas Robot!
Moshi Monsters are registered trademarks of Mind Candy and the film was distributed by Universal Studios.
All Rights Reserved,
And all clips belong to there Respective Owners.
Merry Christmas and have a happy new year to all you that make this all possible!
Eamonn
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-43GXLnjTo
(Eamonn holds up the dvd of this months film, His Face is a Masque of Disbelief)
I...Ah...Well....What Did I....I Mean....Uh....I Don't...Even,....WHAT? WHAT DID I JUST WATCH?
Ever since last year and i zimmered through Bionicle, I decided to do a toy franchise movie every year!
But First Some Background Info that for those who don't know what Moshi is...YEAH GOOD LUCK WITH THAT!
Moshi Doesn't have a Tv Tropes page, nor do I trust Wrong-A-pedia, who once said RD Reynolds died and That Samuel L. Jackson was buying Shelbourne Rovers!
But I started as, and still am, a wrestling reviewer, and when i'm in a pinch I use that trade's best weapons: observations and Pooled resources.
so from what I gathered is that Moshi Monsters is a MMORPG Where players can assume 1 of 6 Moshis customise it's house and go on missions to earn in game currency to buy items and smaller creatures called Moshlings. Every 3 Months, An ingame event, introduces the new wave of characters which are then turned into the expensive plastic and plushies that do nothing!
And as evidenced in this film, they also don't have 2 original Ideas to rub together!
So let's slide down the sooty chimley to the Grim Grotto for Our xmas special.
We start in a jungle expedition that is no way resembling the 1 in Pokemon: the First Movie
IMPENDING LAWSUIT COUNTER:1
As Buster Bumblechops, a Rabbitty Richard Attenborough, is on a quest to a mysterious temple. So Indiana Jones and the Half-Assed Crusade over here, uncovers his prize, the great Moshling Egg, Breaking his leg in the process.
After the Title Drop,we cut to Our Hero, a Pikachu knockoff called Katsuma...
IMPENDING LAWSUIT COUNTER:2
Telling, Poppet. a PoundLand JigglyPuff...
IMPENDING LAWSUIT COUNTER: 3
...That Rawry Scrawl is making a Documentary about him. Poppet corrects him and says that he's making the film about Monstro City (Yes! this film is!) whilst planting berries that will attract rare monsters
IMPENDING LAWSUIT COUNTER:4
Katsuma shows off my activating his Bakugan Ability card, HIYAH HURRACAINE! Which is also his catchphrase!
IMPENDING LAWSUIT COUNTER: 5
So the 2 mammals of indetermined Species leave for Monstro City as a hand in a bush steals an accordian Moshling. Later in a sweaping shot of the city, a creature causes trouble and steals a poodle, whilst angrily ripping a wanted sign for an outlaw called fish Lips!
In a café Cltuhumanoid Rawry Scrawl is explaining the film as Katsuma complains about the film being not about him. Rawry then reveals that the film will also follow, short tempered volcanic devil Diavlo, Luvli, a flying cherry that talks like a British Luvvy, Furi, a big eater Bigfoot and Zommer, a Lovable Slacker who is a decomposing zombie. They are interrupted by a new report that a moshling stealing Spree has hit the Moshi world However, only Moshis with names that start with G are being kidnapped.
We then cut to a news report About the Great Egg at BumbleChops Hall. The Sight of the egg is sends Poppet's Pet Elephant, Mr Snoodle into a state of panic.
FORESHADOWING!
So the Mains go to see the egg, whilst being spied upon by a Top hat and coat, the main villain Doctor Strangeglove.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vuP6KbIsNK4
No, Isaid StrangeGLOVE!
Aided by Fish-Lips, who we previously seen in a disguise to steal a poodle, The Dr exposits through song of course that he has indeed stolen all the moshlings to feed into his Assimilation Machine, that turns Moshi into creatures called Glomps, Stating he's only stolen moshis whose names start with g, because Glomp starts with G.
ER...?...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3fVj8A-K8E
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mhtwirqe6Lc
The Machine turns cute individual and diverse Moshis into glomps, badly Drawn bouncy balls that are unlikable characters with no personality and only 2 frames of animation.
OH I GET IT!
It's a Johnny Test episode Machine and Dr. StrangeGlove is really Scott Fellows!
So StrangeGlove and his army of mutant testicles steal the egg and vandalise the museum. But his real plan is to make Katsuma unwittingly go on a fetch quest for Ingredients that will turn the hatchling into a Mega Glomp...Wait!
If the Plan is to steal every creatures individuality , Isn't making 1 creature bigger and Stronger that the rest in turn making it an individual?
Congratulations! Britain! I didn't think you'd top Horrid Henry for stupid plans that created a huge plot hole! but you've done it!
So Bumblechops tells katsuma some advice "if you don't stand for Something, you'll fall for anything" Before giving the 6 creatures An Airship.
The Fetch Quest is for 3 rare items I'll spare you the terminology and names used, but they are a rare fruit , Tears from a Blue Weaper and a Rainbow Diamond.
First stop is HumbaLumbaLand, the Africa Stand-in that made me spit out my xmas Snowball Drink. "Humba" being a Racial Slur. for a black person.
Y'KNOW, FOR KIDS!
It's revealed that Katsuma can't Whistle
PLOT POINT!
Something that comes handy to know when Meeting cannibals who communicate solely by whistling!
So Poppet, Katsuma, Furi, Diavolo and Luvli are put in a pot. and need rescuing-despite the fact that DIAVOLO AND LUVLI CAN FLY! AND HAVE BEING FLYING SINCE THEIR CHARACTERS WRE INTRODUCED!
Bullshit aside, Zommer rescues the others by detaching his detaching undead body to win a Limbo Contest, winning the fruit and his friends freedom but staying behind to party.
Escaping the jungle to go to Jollywood, they are captured by StrangeGlove's Partner in crime, an Evil clown called Sweet tooth
IMPENDING LAWSUIT COUNTER:6
When Diavolo helps the others escape by using his lava to melt the binding toffee during the song, The Clown of Ambiguous Gender attacks with all his sweet based weapons. the plan is to Separate Katsuma from his more sensible friends.
...So Basically Katsuma is Sailor Moon?
Diavolo and Luvli are captured with Zommer collected by Scare force 1 later on.
Our 3 remaining heroes uncover the Indian Inspired City of Jollywood, an obvious and ridiculous pun of Bollywood, here they meet Bobbi SingSong a gingerbread man who is a Bollywood superstar, right down to the Moustache and White Velvet Suit. Katsuma replies he's more famous because Bobbi's only famous in Jollywood!
Why do I get the feeling Katsuma has the same agent as Jade Goody?
After Bhranga/Techno ear vomit-LISTEN TO THIS SHIT!..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edgr4KanFRw
The Blue Weeper reveals itself to be...an allusion to Vishnu!
And I can't believe a Toy Company has done this again!
BACKSTORY!
20 Years ago, Matchbox had to discontinue several models of it's Monsters In My Pocket Figures and Trading Cards after being sued by the British Hindu Society after being offended when models based on key gods in their Parthenon were described on their trading cards as "hideous" and "freaky" And even though Moshi has turned their key god into a blue tiger on playing a sitar on a lotus on a cloud, It's no less offensive!
After making GOD! laugh, and collecting his tears, Bobbi teleports our heroes to Mt. Sillyman Jaro, but Furi distracted by food, is teleported to a cell next to Diavolo and Luvli's.
With Blinki the camera out of commission, Katsuma complains no-one will see him save the day loudly causing an avalanche. Poppet and Him blame each other for the mess they're in, until Pratsuma finally realises how much of a prick he is. this leads to another terrible song!
FAST FORWARD BUTTON!
Actually Poppet's Positive Attitude is enough to grow helpful flowers defrost the dead, and reveal the Frosty Rainbow Diamond.
With all 3 artefacts, StrangeGlove brings Scare Force One Around. Poppet has Magic seed from her helpful flowers. StrangeGlove goads Katsuma into doing tricks with egg when he steals it back, which naturally falls out of his paws and into the five remaining fingers of StrangeGlove.
Snoodle attacks StrangeGlove and Fish Lips' cablecar, falling to his (Disney)Death. With all the heroes captured Poppet sings and mourns for her puny pet pachyderm.
Trapped on a Conveyer Belt of Doom. it's revealed Snoodle is alive and uses his whistle to get the airship to collect him.
So let's finish this year with a bang!
Pratsuma, carring Snoodle, uses his Hiyah Hurricaine and Snoodle's whistling to free the other Moshlings, who run of the Glomps and rescue the egg. After the final song, the Egg Hatches into a Mrs Snoodle!
FORESHADOWING HAS ARRIVED!
And It's revealed that the temple has more eggs, just in case Mind Candy plans to release a film for every useless plastic trinket they'll ever Make!
THIS FILM MIGHT SUCK...BUT I JUST THINK IT'S STUPID!
I KNOW NOTHING! And continue knowing nothing from this franchise, and I won't lose sleep about that! the charecters are one dimensional, the villains don't an edge to them, the animation is basic and the songs won't pass the Grey whistle test! But since I'm obviously a man who know nothing I can't really judge it any harder than a Colourful mindscrew to appease fans and babies!
CREDITS
Moshi Monsters was Reviewed Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
with clips from
Moshi Monsters: the Movie
Dr Who
Dr Strangelove
and Music
The RetroBot-Christmas Robot!
Moshi Monsters are registered trademarks of Mind Candy and the film was distributed by Universal Studios.
All Rights Reserved,
And all clips belong to there Respective Owners.
Merry Christmas and have a happy new year to all you that make this all possible!
Eamonn
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Eamonn reviews Pacific Rim part 2
(This month's theme-Jefferson Airplane-White Rabbit)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XR8LFNUr3vw
When we left off, we are in the far off future of 2025, where Kaiju, sea monsters from another world have terrorised the coastal cities of the Pacific. To combat this new threat, humanity is united, if only by it's xenophobia, to create powerful, if casually racist, robot armour. Our hero who saw his twin brother eaten by a kaiju, has never gotten over and reluctantly gotten back into the army base in Hong Kong.
So Rayleigh is reunited with his old pit crew and the newly rebuilt Gypsy Danger 2.0. Mako, the Japanese Girl who at first we think is just Pentecost's P.A., reveals she is a pilot but won't be 1 of the candidates. She honestly tells the American that the trauma has made him gunshy, but he responds that when she becomes a pilot she'll have to think on her feet!
FORESHADOWING!
We also have an establishing shot of the romance between the two. Mako tries to become a candidate but Pentecost mentions not going out for revenge. At the Mess Hall, Striker's Pilot tells Rayleigh that the mission is too important for washed-up pilots to make a haims of it!
The candidate trials is a martial arts/kendo tourney, which makes no sense since Jaegers are Giant Rock'em, Sock'em Robots and are too bulky to do the flips and kicks shown here. Sick of the 3rd degree Mako has on him, Rayleigh calls her out for a fight. so 1 sexual tension fuelled fight later, since it's being established that film has a smurfette Principle and the only other woman on base is married. Rayleigh is impressed but Pentecost refuses and still keeps shtum about why.
A cutaway shows Pentecost nose bleeding. Because of the Sydney attack protests are raging and safe zones for the wealthy are set up mainland.
Nuke drifts with a Kaiju Brain with a McGyvered Interface (it's made from a motorbike, a bellows, an Xbox and it's headgear are curling irons!) Pentecost gives Mako a child's shoe stating something about a promise he made when they first met.
The Trail Run of Gypsy Danger 2.0 is interrupted when Herman, as fast as his good leg can carry him, to tell Pentecost that Nuke drifted with a Kaiju Brain. Nuke tells him that he was right. that humanoid Kaiju-these "masters"-have cloned the beasts to colonise worlds. they tried in prehistoric times, but failed, but with ozone depleting and pollution, "we practically Terraformed the Planet for them!"
Pentecost wants nuke to drift again only with a full kaiju, so Pentecost wants his scientist to track down a black market dealer called Hannibal (Ron Perlman)
Meanwhile, back at the Loading Dock, As Expected, 2 people with nothing in common and traumatic lives have trouble controlling the Gypsy 2
Mako is suffering from "Chasing The Rabbit"-a massive and intense jog of memory-She Remembers the day-She lost her family as a child-Carrying around her shoe-When Tokyo was attacked by a Kaiju. Rayleigh still Psychically to Mako tries to reason but the girl activates the weapon systems and starts shooting at the shadows of her past. Luckily the pit-team disconnects the drift manually.
We cut to the Bone Slums on Mainland Hong Kong, as Nuke enters a Chinese Chemist, this time instead of endangered animals, it's the kaiju that are turned into "Medicine". Hannibal is an American Caucasian "Not my real name, of course, in this line of work. my first after my favourite historical figire and the surname after my favourite takeout place back home in Brooklyn" who either has golden shoes or golden plated Prosthetics, I can't tell, nor does it ever come up!
Chuck gets in Rayleigh's face but when he insults the girl he just met a week ago, a fight ensues. Pentecost grounds Mako and Rayleigh, but he knows about the "debt" she was talking about now: Mako is Pentecosts Adoptive daughter, who he saved from the Kaiju years ago, So naturally he's over-protective of her.
Each Lead confide their fears in a tender moment-BUT FUCK THAT SHIT!-It's the double event Herman warned about!
So all 3 non-American Jaegers set out into the ocean-
I wonder if the make Red Shirts that size?
Back in Hong Kong, Hannibal asks why Nuke wants a Brain, since it's just pure ammonia, when he rightfully guesses that the scientist drifted with a beast-he calls him a moron, and gets his men to rough him up!
Back in the China Seas, it looks like humanity is winning, until the Kaiju do something that no-one expected!
Use an electromagnetic pulse to disable all thing electronic, Hong Kong is now Helpless. China and Russia are killed. And the Commonwealth got the full brunt of the EMP. The Hendrixes are Dead in the The Water, minutes away from just being dead! Heracles, Chuck's dad and co-pilot has broke his arm, But the Gypsy crew are no longer grounded and rescues the Hendrixes.
Back in Hong Kong's bomb shelter the realisation that Nuke may have inadvertently shown the Kaiju how to kill humanity settles in as the other survivors throw him out as a sacrifice. Until the Gypsy arrives and uses a ocean liner as a baseball bat. and freezing it's stinger tail with CO2. But the Kaiju has another surprise, it can fly!
But the new Jaeger has a new feature, one that now has the kendo class scene now make sense. a foldable sword-OH COME ON! THAT LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING FROM A ORIGAMI CLASS! If you want to give a robot a convincing giant sword, put a cowcatcher on it's gun arm like a bayonet. Anyway the Pterodactyl like Kaiju takes the robot out of the atmosphere but he cut it in half. But a drop from Terminal Velocity doesn't phase the crew in the suit-What is this Suit made of? Plot Contrivium? The other Jaagers got opened up like Christmas, Striker has a flat battery, but A drop from outer space? Scratched Paint Job!
The Gypsy Pilots return to a heroes' welcome. Mako is reeled by something the audience cannot see. Until the reverse angle shows us Pentecost's Nose bleeding again only heavily this time. On the Mainland Hannibal sends his crew to harvest the Kaiju, with Nuke there waiting for revenge.
YEAH GOOD LUCK WITH THAT!
We time-skip to a black-eyed Nuke and a grinning Hannibal, commending on how the scrawny scientist can take a punch. The Smuggler sends his crew into the bifurcated Creature,when they hear heartbeats. Soon, toxic afterbirth has awashed the street and a Baby Kaiju has being born. it's umbilical cord wraps around it's neck and it dies. Hannibal taunts the creature...only for it to rise up eat Hannibal and then die!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ytCEuuW2_A
At least Nuke has his fresh Kaiju Brain!
Back at the Airbase, Pentecost tells Rayleigh that the early Jaegers had no radiation shielding. He has Cancer And it's terminal, if he ever gets into a Jaeger again, the background radiation alone in enough to kill him.
FORESHADOWING! AGAIN!
With Heracles injured Pentecost becomes Chuck's co-pilot
FORESHADOWING HAS ARRIVED!
Despite their Differences, Herman and Nuke decide to drift into the Kaiju Baby's Brain together.
Heracles says his final goodbyes to his son. The Scientists drift into the Kaiju Brian and see a factory floor of 1000's of Kaiju. The plan to nuke only the breach will only serve to radiate the seas and make it more habitable for the invaders.
The Reason Kaiju can escape the breach is because they belong there genetically and they will always return there now they have being developed to have children, much like a migratory bird. If they can skin a kaiju, the Breach could allow them to enter and attack the breach from the inside collapse the wall's between worlds. So the Jaeger skin 1, losing an arm in the process. The Striker sacrifices itself so the Gyspy can detonate it's nuclear reactor.
So let's Finish this!
Covered With a Kaiju Carcass, A critically damaged Gypsy enters the Breach. Rayleigh Jettisons an unconscious Mako's escape pod and detonates the reactors. The Breach has collapsed. The pods return to Earth and Mako who thinks she found Rayleigh's dead body, confesses her love, he wake up after playing a joke. All I can say is....KISS YOU IDIOTS!
Oh and this film may not suck!...But why have movie that's not really Godzilla, when you can have Godzilla?
If you are in habit of a movie and pizza night, this is good rental choice for you. That's not a bad thing, this film is quite enjoyable though predictable. Some Hammy acting is here to balance out the United Nations of Funny Accents being shown here. This film loses the human factor with the ending the 2 star-crossed lovers save humanity and all they do is nuzzle? COME THE FUCK ON?
CREDITS
Pacific Rim was reviewed, compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music and clips from:
in Part 1
"We Got Explosive" by the New Sound Of London
In Part 2,
White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane
Price is Right
Pacific Rim is property of Warner Bros.
All rights Reserved.
NEXT MONTH: THE GRIM GROTTO OPENS UP AS A NEW CELLULOID COAL LUMP LANDS IN YOUR CHRISTMAS STOCKING!
CHRISTMAS SPECIAL: MOSHI MONSTERS:THE MOVIE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XR8LFNUr3vw
When we left off, we are in the far off future of 2025, where Kaiju, sea monsters from another world have terrorised the coastal cities of the Pacific. To combat this new threat, humanity is united, if only by it's xenophobia, to create powerful, if casually racist, robot armour. Our hero who saw his twin brother eaten by a kaiju, has never gotten over and reluctantly gotten back into the army base in Hong Kong.
So Rayleigh is reunited with his old pit crew and the newly rebuilt Gypsy Danger 2.0. Mako, the Japanese Girl who at first we think is just Pentecost's P.A., reveals she is a pilot but won't be 1 of the candidates. She honestly tells the American that the trauma has made him gunshy, but he responds that when she becomes a pilot she'll have to think on her feet!
FORESHADOWING!
We also have an establishing shot of the romance between the two. Mako tries to become a candidate but Pentecost mentions not going out for revenge. At the Mess Hall, Striker's Pilot tells Rayleigh that the mission is too important for washed-up pilots to make a haims of it!
The candidate trials is a martial arts/kendo tourney, which makes no sense since Jaegers are Giant Rock'em, Sock'em Robots and are too bulky to do the flips and kicks shown here. Sick of the 3rd degree Mako has on him, Rayleigh calls her out for a fight. so 1 sexual tension fuelled fight later, since it's being established that film has a smurfette Principle and the only other woman on base is married. Rayleigh is impressed but Pentecost refuses and still keeps shtum about why.
A cutaway shows Pentecost nose bleeding. Because of the Sydney attack protests are raging and safe zones for the wealthy are set up mainland.
Nuke drifts with a Kaiju Brain with a McGyvered Interface (it's made from a motorbike, a bellows, an Xbox and it's headgear are curling irons!) Pentecost gives Mako a child's shoe stating something about a promise he made when they first met.
The Trail Run of Gypsy Danger 2.0 is interrupted when Herman, as fast as his good leg can carry him, to tell Pentecost that Nuke drifted with a Kaiju Brain. Nuke tells him that he was right. that humanoid Kaiju-these "masters"-have cloned the beasts to colonise worlds. they tried in prehistoric times, but failed, but with ozone depleting and pollution, "we practically Terraformed the Planet for them!"
Pentecost wants nuke to drift again only with a full kaiju, so Pentecost wants his scientist to track down a black market dealer called Hannibal (Ron Perlman)
Meanwhile, back at the Loading Dock, As Expected, 2 people with nothing in common and traumatic lives have trouble controlling the Gypsy 2
Mako is suffering from "Chasing The Rabbit"-a massive and intense jog of memory-She Remembers the day-She lost her family as a child-Carrying around her shoe-When Tokyo was attacked by a Kaiju. Rayleigh still Psychically to Mako tries to reason but the girl activates the weapon systems and starts shooting at the shadows of her past. Luckily the pit-team disconnects the drift manually.
We cut to the Bone Slums on Mainland Hong Kong, as Nuke enters a Chinese Chemist, this time instead of endangered animals, it's the kaiju that are turned into "Medicine". Hannibal is an American Caucasian "Not my real name, of course, in this line of work. my first after my favourite historical figire and the surname after my favourite takeout place back home in Brooklyn" who either has golden shoes or golden plated Prosthetics, I can't tell, nor does it ever come up!
Chuck gets in Rayleigh's face but when he insults the girl he just met a week ago, a fight ensues. Pentecost grounds Mako and Rayleigh, but he knows about the "debt" she was talking about now: Mako is Pentecosts Adoptive daughter, who he saved from the Kaiju years ago, So naturally he's over-protective of her.
Each Lead confide their fears in a tender moment-BUT FUCK THAT SHIT!-It's the double event Herman warned about!
So all 3 non-American Jaegers set out into the ocean-
I wonder if the make Red Shirts that size?
Back in Hong Kong, Hannibal asks why Nuke wants a Brain, since it's just pure ammonia, when he rightfully guesses that the scientist drifted with a beast-he calls him a moron, and gets his men to rough him up!
Back in the China Seas, it looks like humanity is winning, until the Kaiju do something that no-one expected!
Use an electromagnetic pulse to disable all thing electronic, Hong Kong is now Helpless. China and Russia are killed. And the Commonwealth got the full brunt of the EMP. The Hendrixes are Dead in the The Water, minutes away from just being dead! Heracles, Chuck's dad and co-pilot has broke his arm, But the Gypsy crew are no longer grounded and rescues the Hendrixes.
Back in Hong Kong's bomb shelter the realisation that Nuke may have inadvertently shown the Kaiju how to kill humanity settles in as the other survivors throw him out as a sacrifice. Until the Gypsy arrives and uses a ocean liner as a baseball bat. and freezing it's stinger tail with CO2. But the Kaiju has another surprise, it can fly!
But the new Jaeger has a new feature, one that now has the kendo class scene now make sense. a foldable sword-OH COME ON! THAT LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING FROM A ORIGAMI CLASS! If you want to give a robot a convincing giant sword, put a cowcatcher on it's gun arm like a bayonet. Anyway the Pterodactyl like Kaiju takes the robot out of the atmosphere but he cut it in half. But a drop from Terminal Velocity doesn't phase the crew in the suit-What is this Suit made of? Plot Contrivium? The other Jaagers got opened up like Christmas, Striker has a flat battery, but A drop from outer space? Scratched Paint Job!
The Gypsy Pilots return to a heroes' welcome. Mako is reeled by something the audience cannot see. Until the reverse angle shows us Pentecost's Nose bleeding again only heavily this time. On the Mainland Hannibal sends his crew to harvest the Kaiju, with Nuke there waiting for revenge.
YEAH GOOD LUCK WITH THAT!
We time-skip to a black-eyed Nuke and a grinning Hannibal, commending on how the scrawny scientist can take a punch. The Smuggler sends his crew into the bifurcated Creature,when they hear heartbeats. Soon, toxic afterbirth has awashed the street and a Baby Kaiju has being born. it's umbilical cord wraps around it's neck and it dies. Hannibal taunts the creature...only for it to rise up eat Hannibal and then die!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ytCEuuW2_A
At least Nuke has his fresh Kaiju Brain!
Back at the Airbase, Pentecost tells Rayleigh that the early Jaegers had no radiation shielding. He has Cancer And it's terminal, if he ever gets into a Jaeger again, the background radiation alone in enough to kill him.
FORESHADOWING! AGAIN!
With Heracles injured Pentecost becomes Chuck's co-pilot
FORESHADOWING HAS ARRIVED!
Despite their Differences, Herman and Nuke decide to drift into the Kaiju Baby's Brain together.
Heracles says his final goodbyes to his son. The Scientists drift into the Kaiju Brian and see a factory floor of 1000's of Kaiju. The plan to nuke only the breach will only serve to radiate the seas and make it more habitable for the invaders.
The Reason Kaiju can escape the breach is because they belong there genetically and they will always return there now they have being developed to have children, much like a migratory bird. If they can skin a kaiju, the Breach could allow them to enter and attack the breach from the inside collapse the wall's between worlds. So the Jaeger skin 1, losing an arm in the process. The Striker sacrifices itself so the Gyspy can detonate it's nuclear reactor.
So let's Finish this!
Covered With a Kaiju Carcass, A critically damaged Gypsy enters the Breach. Rayleigh Jettisons an unconscious Mako's escape pod and detonates the reactors. The Breach has collapsed. The pods return to Earth and Mako who thinks she found Rayleigh's dead body, confesses her love, he wake up after playing a joke. All I can say is....KISS YOU IDIOTS!
Oh and this film may not suck!...But why have movie that's not really Godzilla, when you can have Godzilla?
If you are in habit of a movie and pizza night, this is good rental choice for you. That's not a bad thing, this film is quite enjoyable though predictable. Some Hammy acting is here to balance out the United Nations of Funny Accents being shown here. This film loses the human factor with the ending the 2 star-crossed lovers save humanity and all they do is nuzzle? COME THE FUCK ON?
CREDITS
Pacific Rim was reviewed, compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music and clips from:
in Part 1
"We Got Explosive" by the New Sound Of London
In Part 2,
White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane
Price is Right
Pacific Rim is property of Warner Bros.
All rights Reserved.
NEXT MONTH: THE GRIM GROTTO OPENS UP AS A NEW CELLULOID COAL LUMP LANDS IN YOUR CHRISTMAS STOCKING!
CHRISTMAS SPECIAL: MOSHI MONSTERS:THE MOVIE!
Friday, October 3, 2014
Eamonn Reviews Pacific Rim Part 1
(This Weeks Theme to go with the action described- New Sound of London-WE HAVE EXPLOSIVE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xc9l7pygQRo
(NOTE: Bord Na Mona is Ireland's Fossil Fuel Quango. They are in charge of the promotion and sale of home fuels like coal and Peat.)
With the Wrestling Year over I can prepare for Christmas But Until then I have 5 reviews still in me.
And this is the first.
We Start off with a prologue read by Chris Hunman, It's Six years into the future, and the world is under siege by Kaiju, giant Sea Monsters from a another world.
"It all Started when a Kaiju Outraged San Francisco...."
Kaiju are anti-LGBT Rights!
In the 6 day fire fight the Kaiju destroys 3 cities, even it's blood, Kaiju Blue is toxic. 6 Months later, Kaiju attack Manilla, Bangkok, and Cabo.
South East Asia? Cabo? They didn't come to kill, they came to get laid!
So humanity unites only because of our hatred of the aliens (Jason Manford was right!)
....And Created a New Weapon, A giant robotic suit called Jaegers. Remote controlled by a psychic link from the pilot. At first the Psychic Strain is too much, until a 2-man programme proved to be more successful, each pilot controlling a side. Humanity was winning, and as always, Humanity turned soldiers into heroes and the enemies into caricatures that are mocked and ridiculed....Until now
Alaska 2020
Rayleigh and Yangzee Baker (Both Hunman) are the pilots of the Gypsy Danger, And Things have changed. The Kaiju attacks have intensified from 6 months to a fortnight apart. Even Though only 1 exits the breach 1 at a time, the ferocity of the attack has also intensified, meaning Jaegers are being destroyed quicker than those being repaired.
The Jaegers are , as mentioned controlled by a Psychic Link but not anyone can control a machine. They must be strong enough to survive "Drifting" A process were all the memories of the 2 pilots are combined and digitised to sync the control- As the Baker Brothers share the same memories, they are the best men for the job, as overlooked by Commander Pentecost (Idris Elbra). The Gypsy Danger Makes Landfall
And the American built Jaegers Look incredible, it's dark and tough, the closest thing to Iron Man's HulkBuster Armour without the Nazi Rat calling it's Lawyers!
So the Gypsy disobeys orders and saves a boating ship from Codename:Nightwolf but its horn severs the left arm and eats Yangstee like a peanut! On his own, Rayleigh makes it to land, stunned and badly injured as the title drops
5 years Later, And Pentecost is in conference with the U.N. Seattle Siberia and Macau have being nuked from existence, the Kaiju are attacking every 4 days and Mechanical and human resources are running out, Lives are lost everyday and the government is putting it's eggs into the Wall of Life, a Coastal Barrier around the Breach and they are closing down the Jaeger program in 8 months and moving them all to Hong Kong.
Back in Alaska, Rayleigh gets a job as a weilder on the American Portion of the wall. When he collects his Rations, he sees the news. A Kaiju in Sydney tears through their wall like it's wet Kleenex! Naturally the workers are pissed. The Kaiju was destroyed by Striker-A Commonwealth Jaeger retro built out Blighty's Best-the train and Sleath bomber. The Pilot Chuck Hendrix calls out the U.N for decommissioning the Jaeger Programme
A chopper containing Pentecost lands on the site. All of his pilots are dead and wants Rayleigh back until be can find Drift-Ready recruits, he lets him in on a secret- They rebuild the Gypsy Danger! So Baker Reluctantly accepts, when he arrives. A Mysterious Japanese Girl waifs into his view and into his life forever!
So we meet our other crew members-Our McCoy-Herman-Serious, Analytical, and walking with limp from an undisclosed Kaiju Attack and Newton-aka Nuke-A man with-how should I put it-A HARD ON FOR KAIJU!-NOT LITERALLY, OF COURSE!-But if this film was based on reality, he'd be pesky hippy trying to save the man-eating tigers, before ultimately getting eaten!
So in Hong Kong's Shatterdome we met the other Jaegers, China with it's Red Star, manned by triplets, Russia retrofitted from Cold war Tanks and The Commonwealth, Manned by Ozzies but on loan from Britain and Taxed to the hilt because of it.
So Nostalgia chick was right. All the Jaegers are Racial Stereotypes! Why do I get the feeling the Irish Jaeger will be Powered by Bona Na Mona Peat Briquettes, Made out of A Massey Ferguson tractor and a DeLorean, and will be a shitty version of the British One?
So the plan is to attack the Breach-The underwater entrance in the Pacific ocean that is a portal to their world-Something that was tried before but failed because of the environmental conditions.
Herman gives Pentecost Good News and Bad News, the Bad is that the rate the attack increase, In 4 days the Kaiju will attack every 4 hours the good news, the increased traffic will widen the Breach to safety land a Jaeger to launch a missile to destroy the nexus. Nuke interjects that a kaiju is not breed of animal: they are modified clones of the same animal, something intelligent is changing their appearance to make them fit for purpose. Now if the commander could only allow Nuke to Drift with A life Kaiju or even it's Brain...But of Course Pentecost doesn't let that happen!
WILL HUMANITY UNITE TO DEFEAT THE KAIJU?
WILL NUKE DISOBEY PENTECOST'S ORDERS?
WILL THE KAIJU'S APPEARANCE IN RESORTS FORCE MTV TO MAKE A "KAIJU SHORE" "REALITY" SHOW?
ONLY 2 OF THESE QUESTIONS WILL BE ANSWERED IN NOVEMBER, ONLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xc9l7pygQRo
(NOTE: Bord Na Mona is Ireland's Fossil Fuel Quango. They are in charge of the promotion and sale of home fuels like coal and Peat.)
With the Wrestling Year over I can prepare for Christmas But Until then I have 5 reviews still in me.
And this is the first.
We Start off with a prologue read by Chris Hunman, It's Six years into the future, and the world is under siege by Kaiju, giant Sea Monsters from a another world.
"It all Started when a Kaiju Outraged San Francisco...."
Kaiju are anti-LGBT Rights!
In the 6 day fire fight the Kaiju destroys 3 cities, even it's blood, Kaiju Blue is toxic. 6 Months later, Kaiju attack Manilla, Bangkok, and Cabo.
South East Asia? Cabo? They didn't come to kill, they came to get laid!
So humanity unites only because of our hatred of the aliens (Jason Manford was right!)
....And Created a New Weapon, A giant robotic suit called Jaegers. Remote controlled by a psychic link from the pilot. At first the Psychic Strain is too much, until a 2-man programme proved to be more successful, each pilot controlling a side. Humanity was winning, and as always, Humanity turned soldiers into heroes and the enemies into caricatures that are mocked and ridiculed....Until now
Alaska 2020
Rayleigh and Yangzee Baker (Both Hunman) are the pilots of the Gypsy Danger, And Things have changed. The Kaiju attacks have intensified from 6 months to a fortnight apart. Even Though only 1 exits the breach 1 at a time, the ferocity of the attack has also intensified, meaning Jaegers are being destroyed quicker than those being repaired.
The Jaegers are , as mentioned controlled by a Psychic Link but not anyone can control a machine. They must be strong enough to survive "Drifting" A process were all the memories of the 2 pilots are combined and digitised to sync the control- As the Baker Brothers share the same memories, they are the best men for the job, as overlooked by Commander Pentecost (Idris Elbra). The Gypsy Danger Makes Landfall
And the American built Jaegers Look incredible, it's dark and tough, the closest thing to Iron Man's HulkBuster Armour without the Nazi Rat calling it's Lawyers!
So the Gypsy disobeys orders and saves a boating ship from Codename:Nightwolf but its horn severs the left arm and eats Yangstee like a peanut! On his own, Rayleigh makes it to land, stunned and badly injured as the title drops
5 years Later, And Pentecost is in conference with the U.N. Seattle Siberia and Macau have being nuked from existence, the Kaiju are attacking every 4 days and Mechanical and human resources are running out, Lives are lost everyday and the government is putting it's eggs into the Wall of Life, a Coastal Barrier around the Breach and they are closing down the Jaeger program in 8 months and moving them all to Hong Kong.
Back in Alaska, Rayleigh gets a job as a weilder on the American Portion of the wall. When he collects his Rations, he sees the news. A Kaiju in Sydney tears through their wall like it's wet Kleenex! Naturally the workers are pissed. The Kaiju was destroyed by Striker-A Commonwealth Jaeger retro built out Blighty's Best-the train and Sleath bomber. The Pilot Chuck Hendrix calls out the U.N for decommissioning the Jaeger Programme
A chopper containing Pentecost lands on the site. All of his pilots are dead and wants Rayleigh back until be can find Drift-Ready recruits, he lets him in on a secret- They rebuild the Gypsy Danger! So Baker Reluctantly accepts, when he arrives. A Mysterious Japanese Girl waifs into his view and into his life forever!
So we meet our other crew members-Our McCoy-Herman-Serious, Analytical, and walking with limp from an undisclosed Kaiju Attack and Newton-aka Nuke-A man with-how should I put it-A HARD ON FOR KAIJU!-NOT LITERALLY, OF COURSE!-But if this film was based on reality, he'd be pesky hippy trying to save the man-eating tigers, before ultimately getting eaten!
So in Hong Kong's Shatterdome we met the other Jaegers, China with it's Red Star, manned by triplets, Russia retrofitted from Cold war Tanks and The Commonwealth, Manned by Ozzies but on loan from Britain and Taxed to the hilt because of it.
So Nostalgia chick was right. All the Jaegers are Racial Stereotypes! Why do I get the feeling the Irish Jaeger will be Powered by Bona Na Mona Peat Briquettes, Made out of A Massey Ferguson tractor and a DeLorean, and will be a shitty version of the British One?
So the plan is to attack the Breach-The underwater entrance in the Pacific ocean that is a portal to their world-Something that was tried before but failed because of the environmental conditions.
Herman gives Pentecost Good News and Bad News, the Bad is that the rate the attack increase, In 4 days the Kaiju will attack every 4 hours the good news, the increased traffic will widen the Breach to safety land a Jaeger to launch a missile to destroy the nexus. Nuke interjects that a kaiju is not breed of animal: they are modified clones of the same animal, something intelligent is changing their appearance to make them fit for purpose. Now if the commander could only allow Nuke to Drift with A life Kaiju or even it's Brain...But of Course Pentecost doesn't let that happen!
WILL HUMANITY UNITE TO DEFEAT THE KAIJU?
WILL NUKE DISOBEY PENTECOST'S ORDERS?
WILL THE KAIJU'S APPEARANCE IN RESORTS FORCE MTV TO MAKE A "KAIJU SHORE" "REALITY" SHOW?
ONLY 2 OF THESE QUESTIONS WILL BE ANSWERED IN NOVEMBER, ONLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!
Friday, September 19, 2014
Hallowe'en Special: Eamonn Reviews Tenacious D: PICK OF DESTINY
Welcome those who revel in Darkness, for this is the month where the worst of Horror, sci-fi and fantasy come out from under the floorboards.
Or would, the last 4 times we had a Halloween special!
This year our Halloween Stash is the celluloid equivalent of Kettle Crisps, Cadbury Banana Caramel Crunch and freshly printed C-notes, This year out go the moonshine zombies, the lame version of Goku, the icecream zombies, the Nazi Zombies and the Vampire....Angel....things! and get ready to ROCK! With Tenacious D! (Don't worry kiddies, it's the clean version!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h27xucvYtRs
After Cartoon Versions do a scat joke, we open to a flashback told in song as a young JB Jables (Jack Black Naturally) played by....the Laxative Boy from the video High School Never Ends!, Sings about his rebellious love of rock in the strait-laced family as his father (MEATLOAF) Sings his disapproval whilst Belting his son. After praying to a poster of DIO, The late rockstar tells the young boy to go to Hollywood.
After leaving Missouri that night, the young man has spent all his teenage years going to every other town in America called Hollywood(Really?) He finally makes it Hollywood, California.
After Opening Credits of Animated Tarot Cards (Funny thing, if you are able to read Tarot Cards like I can, the entire Opening Credits ruin the entire story for you!)
So JB meets Kyle Gass (as himself!) who assumes the newcomer is invading his busking space, When the crowd walks away when Gass goes classical, JB saves the day with improvised lyrics, even though only a pizza boy gets excited about what happened, but Kyle refuses to make a band with the newcomer. But when KG drops his pick , JB assumes is a sign.
With Nowhere to stay Jables is forced to sleep rough and is attacked by Clockwork Orange Fanboys, When Kyle comes around and sees his missing pick in the fallen hands of Jables, he takes pity on him and pretends to ward of the muggers.
After bringing JB Back to his place and lying about his music "career", the star struck bumpkin proposes an "audition"-Basically a Lethal cocktail of "Menial Labour" and "Getting His Hopes Up" served in a large glass, garnish with "Blatant Lies"!
The Gig Simulator, which is simply Kyle's way of Breaking Jables confidence, works as Jables sees his father chastising him. As Kyle comforts Jables he doesn't realise that a message comes through onto his answering machine from his mother, telling him that she is no longer financially supporting his life of busking, getting high and fleecing wannabes! Kyle reveals he used the rent money to buy JB a new guitar. So now the newly formed Tenacious D, Must now ROCK FOR RENT! So the first contest is a open mic qualifier, where the only competition is a terrible impersonator, they win, but a slight by the bar-keeper, convinces Jables that need to write a "Masterpiece". So the band draw a pentagram with ketchup for inspiration but forget to record any of it. Looking through old Rolling Stone Magazines, they come across that all the great use the same Guitar Pick.
So the Band go to the Music Store to pick up a similar pick, Only to be pulled into the spare room by the clerk (A cameo by Ben Stiller) tells us the story that we already know from the expository song above! What we don't know is that the devil roams the earth searching for his missing tooth and when whole again he will dominate the Earth once more! Marcus tells the D that the last known whereabouts is the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Sacramento.
After an Imagination spot where they slowly turn into Kiss, they park at a Roadside café, As JB devises a plan to break in, Kage gets distracted by Sorority Girls that leaves the two split up as Kage is hired to play at a party, where he quickly tanks-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jG2KMkQLZmI
While Jables who was heading on a 5 mile walk to Sacramento, starts eating some he found in a forest-Yep! IT'S A MUSHROOM SAMBA!
Jack Black is tripping balls and has turned it a baby Sasquatch whilst flying on the back of another Sasquatch through a Technicolor Forest, while singing a song about the creature!
BIG LIPPED ALIGATOR MOMENT-yes
FUCKING AWESOMESAUCE MOMENT?-YEAH IT IS!
So JB conveniently sobers up a mile away from the rock and roll Museum, At the party some teenagers smash the tail-light of Kyle's car.
PLOT-ITEM!
After the band reunite at the museum, They enter the Guitar Gods room, all the cock push-ups that Kage got JB to do, has made Jack Black's....bandmember long enough to disable the lasers but the alarms are set off!, but the two heroes powerslide out from the closing garage doors. A crippled thief threatens to steal the pick, but is easily outrun.
That Morning, the band escape the police, who only wanted to pullover the band for the broken tail-light, cause a police chase that ends with them blowing up the car and escaping through the sewers. Arguing over the pick makes them split it in half. It turns out the open mic host was the Devil (Dave Grohl) the whole time!
SO LET'S WRAP THIS UP!
The D's challenge the Devil to a rock-off, with the catch being the Lord of The Dammed must pay their rent forever if he loses. But Kage becomes the devil's Bitch if they lose. So the Devil being played by Grohl, naturally sings, drums and plays guitar like a boss! but the D realise that real masterpieces come from within, and defeat Lucifer by NOT! Singing Tribute (Instead singing the risible "We Are The D"), in his rage the devil's horn is broke off and now since he is incomplete again, he's sealed in hell forever and so the film ends....WITH NOTHING RESOLVED! AS NO-ONE SAW OR HEARD A 20FT DEVIL SINGING A SONG ABOUT SODOMISING KYLE GASS, NO FAMILY WAS REUNITED, NO ONE WON THE OPEN MIC,AND THE BAND THE DIDN'T GET FAMOUS!
The only thing that was resolved was the D's Rent is paid for life and they made the Devil's Horn into a Bong and they smoke from it for "inspiration"-even if Satanically Saturated Skunk makes them forget everything they play!
DAHM JACK BLACK IF YOU WEREN'T SO CHARISMATIC, I'D TELL YOU THIS FILM SUCKS!
Ok, Let's get serious!
The film is all over the place, Nothing is resolved, Backstories are quickly discarded and plotpoints like the waitress' black eye and the crippled thief are relegated to dvd extras-Which I don't review I only focus on what's on the dvd because that what cinema goers saw. In Short Pick of destiny is nothing more than Music Video Set with a narrative linking each one, A device doing better in Fly On The Wall, Daft Punk's Fantasia 5000 and of course, The WALL!
CREDITS
Tenacious D:Pick of Destiny was reviewed, compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music and Clips from
Tenacious D: Pick Of Destiny
Futurama
TD:POD Is distributed by New Line Cinema. All rights reserved
All clips used belong to their respective owners.
Follow me on Twitter @RealEnli
Or would, the last 4 times we had a Halloween special!
This year our Halloween Stash is the celluloid equivalent of Kettle Crisps, Cadbury Banana Caramel Crunch and freshly printed C-notes, This year out go the moonshine zombies, the lame version of Goku, the icecream zombies, the Nazi Zombies and the Vampire....Angel....things! and get ready to ROCK! With Tenacious D! (Don't worry kiddies, it's the clean version!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h27xucvYtRs
After Cartoon Versions do a scat joke, we open to a flashback told in song as a young JB Jables (Jack Black Naturally) played by....the Laxative Boy from the video High School Never Ends!, Sings about his rebellious love of rock in the strait-laced family as his father (MEATLOAF) Sings his disapproval whilst Belting his son. After praying to a poster of DIO, The late rockstar tells the young boy to go to Hollywood.
After leaving Missouri that night, the young man has spent all his teenage years going to every other town in America called Hollywood(Really?) He finally makes it Hollywood, California.
After Opening Credits of Animated Tarot Cards (Funny thing, if you are able to read Tarot Cards like I can, the entire Opening Credits ruin the entire story for you!)
So JB meets Kyle Gass (as himself!) who assumes the newcomer is invading his busking space, When the crowd walks away when Gass goes classical, JB saves the day with improvised lyrics, even though only a pizza boy gets excited about what happened, but Kyle refuses to make a band with the newcomer. But when KG drops his pick , JB assumes is a sign.
With Nowhere to stay Jables is forced to sleep rough and is attacked by Clockwork Orange Fanboys, When Kyle comes around and sees his missing pick in the fallen hands of Jables, he takes pity on him and pretends to ward of the muggers.
After bringing JB Back to his place and lying about his music "career", the star struck bumpkin proposes an "audition"-Basically a Lethal cocktail of "Menial Labour" and "Getting His Hopes Up" served in a large glass, garnish with "Blatant Lies"!
The Gig Simulator, which is simply Kyle's way of Breaking Jables confidence, works as Jables sees his father chastising him. As Kyle comforts Jables he doesn't realise that a message comes through onto his answering machine from his mother, telling him that she is no longer financially supporting his life of busking, getting high and fleecing wannabes! Kyle reveals he used the rent money to buy JB a new guitar. So now the newly formed Tenacious D, Must now ROCK FOR RENT! So the first contest is a open mic qualifier, where the only competition is a terrible impersonator, they win, but a slight by the bar-keeper, convinces Jables that need to write a "Masterpiece". So the band draw a pentagram with ketchup for inspiration but forget to record any of it. Looking through old Rolling Stone Magazines, they come across that all the great use the same Guitar Pick.
So the Band go to the Music Store to pick up a similar pick, Only to be pulled into the spare room by the clerk (A cameo by Ben Stiller) tells us the story that we already know from the expository song above! What we don't know is that the devil roams the earth searching for his missing tooth and when whole again he will dominate the Earth once more! Marcus tells the D that the last known whereabouts is the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Sacramento.
After an Imagination spot where they slowly turn into Kiss, they park at a Roadside café, As JB devises a plan to break in, Kage gets distracted by Sorority Girls that leaves the two split up as Kage is hired to play at a party, where he quickly tanks-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jG2KMkQLZmI
While Jables who was heading on a 5 mile walk to Sacramento, starts eating some he found in a forest-Yep! IT'S A MUSHROOM SAMBA!
Jack Black is tripping balls and has turned it a baby Sasquatch whilst flying on the back of another Sasquatch through a Technicolor Forest, while singing a song about the creature!
BIG LIPPED ALIGATOR MOMENT-yes
FUCKING AWESOMESAUCE MOMENT?-YEAH IT IS!
So JB conveniently sobers up a mile away from the rock and roll Museum, At the party some teenagers smash the tail-light of Kyle's car.
PLOT-ITEM!
After the band reunite at the museum, They enter the Guitar Gods room, all the cock push-ups that Kage got JB to do, has made Jack Black's....bandmember long enough to disable the lasers but the alarms are set off!, but the two heroes powerslide out from the closing garage doors. A crippled thief threatens to steal the pick, but is easily outrun.
That Morning, the band escape the police, who only wanted to pullover the band for the broken tail-light, cause a police chase that ends with them blowing up the car and escaping through the sewers. Arguing over the pick makes them split it in half. It turns out the open mic host was the Devil (Dave Grohl) the whole time!
SO LET'S WRAP THIS UP!
The D's challenge the Devil to a rock-off, with the catch being the Lord of The Dammed must pay their rent forever if he loses. But Kage becomes the devil's Bitch if they lose. So the Devil being played by Grohl, naturally sings, drums and plays guitar like a boss! but the D realise that real masterpieces come from within, and defeat Lucifer by NOT! Singing Tribute (Instead singing the risible "We Are The D"), in his rage the devil's horn is broke off and now since he is incomplete again, he's sealed in hell forever and so the film ends....WITH NOTHING RESOLVED! AS NO-ONE SAW OR HEARD A 20FT DEVIL SINGING A SONG ABOUT SODOMISING KYLE GASS, NO FAMILY WAS REUNITED, NO ONE WON THE OPEN MIC,AND THE BAND THE DIDN'T GET FAMOUS!
The only thing that was resolved was the D's Rent is paid for life and they made the Devil's Horn into a Bong and they smoke from it for "inspiration"-even if Satanically Saturated Skunk makes them forget everything they play!
DAHM JACK BLACK IF YOU WEREN'T SO CHARISMATIC, I'D TELL YOU THIS FILM SUCKS!
Ok, Let's get serious!
The film is all over the place, Nothing is resolved, Backstories are quickly discarded and plotpoints like the waitress' black eye and the crippled thief are relegated to dvd extras-Which I don't review I only focus on what's on the dvd because that what cinema goers saw. In Short Pick of destiny is nothing more than Music Video Set with a narrative linking each one, A device doing better in Fly On The Wall, Daft Punk's Fantasia 5000 and of course, The WALL!
CREDITS
Tenacious D:Pick of Destiny was reviewed, compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music and Clips from
Tenacious D: Pick Of Destiny
Futurama
TD:POD Is distributed by New Line Cinema. All rights reserved
All clips used belong to their respective owners.
Follow me on Twitter @RealEnli
Monday, September 1, 2014
EAMONN REVIEWS MEET THE MILLERS
(Previously on bogger box office...
THE LONG 4-YEAR WAR AGAINST SATANICOSTRICH IS OVER! THE CREATURE RETURNED TO HELL TO RESET THE BALANCE OF REALITY, WHEN EAMONN IMPARTED ALL THE SATANIC POWER LODGED IN HIS FIST. HOWEVER THE SOURCE OF THE TROUBLES, GATEWAYS TO HELL DISGUISED AS DVD ARE STILL DORMANT, WAITING TO FOUND...
JUST LIKE THIS ONE!
(BEEP...BEEP...)
DUUUUUDDDDEEEE! Like, what's that noise?
oh, that? I Asked Joe-jack to get as many Jennifer Aniston films that suck.
(A Dump Truck crashed through the wall of the Enlightened Towers Waiting Room
Here Ya go Dere, Boss!
(1000'S of dvds crashed out of the container onto Eamonn, pinning him out the floor,
Did I get enough?
-Shut....UP!
(Out of the pile Eamonn's arm emerged in defiance, holding the this month's DVD. Ava Santana echoed in the background.)
AND NOW! OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION! AREN'T YOU LUCKY(?)
This months theme from the soundtrack Not butchered by Will Poulter-TLC-Waterfalls
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WEtxJ4-sh4
We start with a montage of youtube clips, All of them more entertaining than this film. Watching them is our protagonist, as calling him a hero would donate that David Clark (Jason Sudekis) has amiable qualities, But we see him selling weed to the mother of a newborn baby.
Selling weed to an old college friend who settled down, makes David thinks what if he had settled down.
We cut to a strip club where Jennifer Aniston, the hottest woman of television....15 years ago!, Shakes her Cuprinol coloured ass for Pennyz N' Dollarz
It just so happens that Rose's (Aniston) boyfriend owes his dealer, David some money. And David harps on her angrily. Or would if Sudekis Learned How to Emote!
The Argument( In truth, the bad acting because he felt left out,) alerts Kenny (Will "I RUINED NARNIA FOR EVERYONE!" Poulter"), A teenager who Explains in Terrible American Accent, That his mother more or less abandoned him.
As Rose leaves, David and Kenny sees a girl (Emma Roberts) getting mugged. the lowlife and Narnia Scrappy goes to help but the ungrateful bitch leaves David alone to get mugged.
It gets worse the next day as a pair of thugs kidnap David and sent him to their boss....Get ready for this, it's so stupid,....THE CEO OF PUBLIC TRADING COMPANY....the thugs even bring the still blindfolded David to a receptionist to make an appointment.
Okay Movie, if you were trying to be satirical in that drug-dealing is so lucrative that an actual businessman can turn a profit, then I have to call forward that a spider bites on Poulter's balls, and we see his exposed testicles for 5 whole minutes.
So Brad Hemming-Schumber (Nick Offerman) , David's Boss, tells him to smuggle a Smidge of Hash over from Mexico, but to use his alias, Pablo Chaconne, as no-one will take his real name seriously.
PLOT POINT!
So When Rose quits when the strip club becomes a brothel (Because when you are stripping to pay for your Boyfriend's drug addiction, you are chock-full of principles!)
Struggling to think of an idea on how to get to Mexico without being stopped, A lost family in an RV, gives David an idea: get Kenny, Rose and the Girl he tried to help, to pose as a fake family.
So after getting a haircut, and decking out Casey "In the clothes kids wear that say, my parents love me because they planned me!" (ACTUAL QUOTE!) The "Millers" arrive in New York airport, but the cover is nearly blown when David forgets Casey's name, Turns out to be a godsend as the Homeless girl has more a dystopian of America than her "father", scaring off a nosy stewardess.
Rose arrives in time to stop the cabin-crew from throwing them out, by performing a prayer circle.
What does that tell you of America's foreign policy? You may act suspicious, but as long you are white and show that you are Christian, then that's okay!
After renting the RV, THE 4 assholes pass a fireworks stand. Kenny reveals to the audience that the events are set on the 4th of July Weekend.
"Wot Ameriken doesn't Lioke a bit'o FYAREWERKS?, EH?" (Line by Poulter, phonetically written in his "American accent")
"OI BLOODY LURVE BEIN' AN AMERIKEN, OI DO! LATUH, AF'ER THE FYAREWERKS, CAN WE WATCH THE BAYSEBAWL MATCH, AND 'AVE SOME BIG MACS N' CHIPS, BLOOD?"
So the millers stop and buy and let off 1 firework.
OH COME THE FUCK ON!
What's road movie without buying fireworks or some semi-illegal thing that would be used as a plot item?
So the Millers arrive in Mexico at a drug baron's compound, It turns out the smidge is 2 metric tonnes. Kenny is gifted a fruit basket by the drug baron's mother, that the audience is shown to have a tarantula in it. A moneyless gang can't pay a cop's bribe so David gets Kenny to suck him off, after some Insane Troll Logic by Sudekis ("If You've Never Being With A Girl, That Means You're Gay!" (ACTUAL LINE FROM THE FILM!)), The Cop asks where his 1000 pesos are.
GET IT? IT'S A JOKE ABOUT HOW TERRIBLY THE PESO DOES AGAINST THE DOLLAR! With David reassuring Kenny by saying "I Can't Believe You Were going to suck cock over $80!"
(ACTUAL QUOTE!)
(beat...)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-c73EOmDPM
At the Border, a Run-in with a family called the Fitzgeralds, causes Kenny to fall for their Daughter.
OH BOY! A romantic Sub-Plot for Narnia Scrappy, As if this film could get worse! Oh wait, a spider biting Poulter's exposed testicles, yes it does get worse!
A hard break causes a baggy to fall on Rose's lap, concealing it in blanket causes Mrs Fitzgerald to think the gang has a baby. The Commotion is enough alert border patrol. Thank God immigrants chose their Rv to try and sneak the border.
So the gang celebrates by listening to the radio, with Poulter rapping to waterfalls becoming The whitest thing I've ever seen since my reflection....
IN A GLASS OF MILK!
Turns out that Brad didn't get David to smuggle weed, He got him to STEAL Weed as the REAL Pablo Chaconne appears at his compound and now the Mexicans are out for the gangs heads.
But that's a problem for the climax of the film, lets first deal with the RV full of weed broken down and trying to discreetly smuggle it whilst being towed by a family convinced you have a baby!
AS YOU DO!
It turns out that Mr Don Fitzgerald happens to be a CIA Agent doing the exact same camouflage that the Millers are doing. The garage is closed on Sunday, So they decide to camp til morning. Edith Fitzgerald's annoying persistence to hold the "baby", causes Rose to throw the Baggy onto the Interstate, where it gets ran over. Casey interjects that it was a....Flour Baby for Sex ed class!
That night a game of Pictionary goes awry when Kenny blatantly draws a cock....
"IT Woz Suppose t'be a SKAITBOARD...COR BLIMEY!...CHIM, CHIMENY, OI'M AMERIKAN, INNIT!"
-The Fitzgerald's daughter comes on to Kenny. This leads to David giving the rubber faced Narnia Scrappy Man Talk.
Yeah that's all well and good, but need I remind you is that the girl's father is a CIA Agent, you are drug smugglers, and anything putting Kenny to the fore is only to lead to seeing his exposed junk for 5 whole minutes.
So David and Rose plan on stealing the Keys to the Fitzgerald's Rv but they wake and put 2 and 2 together and come up with-The Millers in their Tent because they are Swingers!
Yep, Just when you think we've seen it all, plus the threat of Will Poulter's swollen balls they spring this on you!
So the girls in the Miller gang teaches Kenny how to kiss a girl, Melissa walks in and naturally is freaked out.
So Stopping at the garage, the millers are ambushed by Pablo's Gang and knowing who Don is, are convinced David is a whistleblower, goes to kill him and the family, David tries to convince their not a family-NOT by Leaning on the 4th wall and scald Poulter's accent-But by making rose strip, giving us 5 minutes (10 in the extended Version) of Freckly Cleavage and Boot Leather Abs and Naval. but it's a distraction for the smuggling shitehawks to escape.
But Remember the Taruntula?
It climbs up Kenny's shorts!
WAIT FOR IT.....
So the Millers off Road and Kenny Realises that something is biting him in the love spuds!
Wait for it....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jY0BYkcdtSQ
In hospital Kenny is not allowed to travel Meaning David will not meet the deadline. After Casey leaves with a Carny, David and Rose open up to each other, Rose revealing her real name is Sarah.
After rushing Kenny out of hospital, David blurts out he's getting paid half a million, while only paying 30k to Sarah, 1k to Casey.
-AM OI GETTIN' PAY-ED?
-NOT THE WAY YOU'VE BEING ACTING, NARNIA SCRAPPY!
So Casey walks out to join her Carny Boyfriend, David Leaves Rose and Kenny behind and is on the road to Denver, Leaving the rest of the gang defenceless when Pablo arrives, But then something horrible happens. Something that stops this film from being shorter than it is:
DAVID GROWS A CONSIENCE!
And returns to the funfair where Sarah has dealt with the Carny.
SO LETS FINISH THIS!
Kenny tells the truth to the Fitzgeralds to "impress" Melissa, Donny Arrests Pablo's General, Pablo gets distracted by Fireworks (told ya, it is a road movie, after all!) long enough for Kenny to deck him, getting the girl, Don lets the millers go, David brings the Shipment to Brad, who double-crosses him, But David Reveals he has entered a plea bargain to get Brad arrested, and so the story ends with the Millers in protective Custody, Kenny's Ball being a viral hit and Meeting the neighbours and calling them Middle American Assholes behind their back as a cutaway shot shows freshly Sewn Marijuana buds in the Rosebushes.
Welcome, to NO MORAL THEATRE!
AND WELCOME AND ALL RISE TO THE MENTAL BREAKDOWN NATIONAL ANTHEM!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=btEpF334Rtc
IT'S OVER!
THANK FUCKING GOD!
THIS FRESH DUMP ON THE SHIT PILE THAT IS JENNIFER ANISTON'S FILM CAREER IS THE FUCKING LIMIT! YOU WOULD THINK THEY WOULD CONSIDER THIS FILM EARLIER IN HER CAREER....y'know WHEN SHE WAS HOT! I NEVER HEARD OF JASON SUDEKIS AND AFTER THIS, NEVER AGAIN, ROBERTS IS NOTHING MORE THAN FURNITURE THAT TALKS AND POULTER, IS JUST HORRENDOUS, EXCEPT WE DON'T HAVE THE CONVENIENCE OF HIM "TURNED INTO A DRAGON" FOR HALF THE FILM!
Of the 3 road movies I've reviewed on this site, it's up there as bad as The Chaperone, But RV: Runaway Vacation did have Josh Hutcherson and a Geyser of Shit in it so i'll let that slide.
CREDITS
Meet the Millers was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With clips from
Adventure Time!
Meet the Millers
Music
"Waterfalls" by TLC
"Combine Harvester" by the Wurzels
Meet the Millers was produced by Warner Bros. and New Line Cinema
THE LONG 4-YEAR WAR AGAINST SATANICOSTRICH IS OVER! THE CREATURE RETURNED TO HELL TO RESET THE BALANCE OF REALITY, WHEN EAMONN IMPARTED ALL THE SATANIC POWER LODGED IN HIS FIST. HOWEVER THE SOURCE OF THE TROUBLES, GATEWAYS TO HELL DISGUISED AS DVD ARE STILL DORMANT, WAITING TO FOUND...
JUST LIKE THIS ONE!
(BEEP...BEEP...)
DUUUUUDDDDEEEE! Like, what's that noise?
oh, that? I Asked Joe-jack to get as many Jennifer Aniston films that suck.
(A Dump Truck crashed through the wall of the Enlightened Towers Waiting Room
Here Ya go Dere, Boss!
(1000'S of dvds crashed out of the container onto Eamonn, pinning him out the floor,
Did I get enough?
-Shut....UP!
(Out of the pile Eamonn's arm emerged in defiance, holding the this month's DVD. Ava Santana echoed in the background.)
AND NOW! OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION! AREN'T YOU LUCKY(?)
This months theme from the soundtrack Not butchered by Will Poulter-TLC-Waterfalls
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WEtxJ4-sh4
We start with a montage of youtube clips, All of them more entertaining than this film. Watching them is our protagonist, as calling him a hero would donate that David Clark (Jason Sudekis) has amiable qualities, But we see him selling weed to the mother of a newborn baby.
Selling weed to an old college friend who settled down, makes David thinks what if he had settled down.
We cut to a strip club where Jennifer Aniston, the hottest woman of television....15 years ago!, Shakes her Cuprinol coloured ass for Pennyz N' Dollarz
It just so happens that Rose's (Aniston) boyfriend owes his dealer, David some money. And David harps on her angrily. Or would if Sudekis Learned How to Emote!
The Argument( In truth, the bad acting because he felt left out,) alerts Kenny (Will "I RUINED NARNIA FOR EVERYONE!" Poulter"), A teenager who Explains in Terrible American Accent, That his mother more or less abandoned him.
As Rose leaves, David and Kenny sees a girl (Emma Roberts) getting mugged. the lowlife and Narnia Scrappy goes to help but the ungrateful bitch leaves David alone to get mugged.
It gets worse the next day as a pair of thugs kidnap David and sent him to their boss....Get ready for this, it's so stupid,....THE CEO OF PUBLIC TRADING COMPANY....the thugs even bring the still blindfolded David to a receptionist to make an appointment.
Okay Movie, if you were trying to be satirical in that drug-dealing is so lucrative that an actual businessman can turn a profit, then I have to call forward that a spider bites on Poulter's balls, and we see his exposed testicles for 5 whole minutes.
So Brad Hemming-Schumber (Nick Offerman) , David's Boss, tells him to smuggle a Smidge of Hash over from Mexico, but to use his alias, Pablo Chaconne, as no-one will take his real name seriously.
PLOT POINT!
So When Rose quits when the strip club becomes a brothel (Because when you are stripping to pay for your Boyfriend's drug addiction, you are chock-full of principles!)
Struggling to think of an idea on how to get to Mexico without being stopped, A lost family in an RV, gives David an idea: get Kenny, Rose and the Girl he tried to help, to pose as a fake family.
So after getting a haircut, and decking out Casey "In the clothes kids wear that say, my parents love me because they planned me!" (ACTUAL QUOTE!) The "Millers" arrive in New York airport, but the cover is nearly blown when David forgets Casey's name, Turns out to be a godsend as the Homeless girl has more a dystopian of America than her "father", scaring off a nosy stewardess.
Rose arrives in time to stop the cabin-crew from throwing them out, by performing a prayer circle.
What does that tell you of America's foreign policy? You may act suspicious, but as long you are white and show that you are Christian, then that's okay!
After renting the RV, THE 4 assholes pass a fireworks stand. Kenny reveals to the audience that the events are set on the 4th of July Weekend.
"Wot Ameriken doesn't Lioke a bit'o FYAREWERKS?, EH?" (Line by Poulter, phonetically written in his "American accent")
"OI BLOODY LURVE BEIN' AN AMERIKEN, OI DO! LATUH, AF'ER THE FYAREWERKS, CAN WE WATCH THE BAYSEBAWL MATCH, AND 'AVE SOME BIG MACS N' CHIPS, BLOOD?"
So the millers stop and buy and let off 1 firework.
OH COME THE FUCK ON!
What's road movie without buying fireworks or some semi-illegal thing that would be used as a plot item?
So the Millers arrive in Mexico at a drug baron's compound, It turns out the smidge is 2 metric tonnes. Kenny is gifted a fruit basket by the drug baron's mother, that the audience is shown to have a tarantula in it. A moneyless gang can't pay a cop's bribe so David gets Kenny to suck him off, after some Insane Troll Logic by Sudekis ("If You've Never Being With A Girl, That Means You're Gay!" (ACTUAL LINE FROM THE FILM!)), The Cop asks where his 1000 pesos are.
GET IT? IT'S A JOKE ABOUT HOW TERRIBLY THE PESO DOES AGAINST THE DOLLAR! With David reassuring Kenny by saying "I Can't Believe You Were going to suck cock over $80!"
(ACTUAL QUOTE!)
(beat...)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-c73EOmDPM
At the Border, a Run-in with a family called the Fitzgeralds, causes Kenny to fall for their Daughter.
OH BOY! A romantic Sub-Plot for Narnia Scrappy, As if this film could get worse! Oh wait, a spider biting Poulter's exposed testicles, yes it does get worse!
A hard break causes a baggy to fall on Rose's lap, concealing it in blanket causes Mrs Fitzgerald to think the gang has a baby. The Commotion is enough alert border patrol. Thank God immigrants chose their Rv to try and sneak the border.
So the gang celebrates by listening to the radio, with Poulter rapping to waterfalls becoming The whitest thing I've ever seen since my reflection....
IN A GLASS OF MILK!
Turns out that Brad didn't get David to smuggle weed, He got him to STEAL Weed as the REAL Pablo Chaconne appears at his compound and now the Mexicans are out for the gangs heads.
But that's a problem for the climax of the film, lets first deal with the RV full of weed broken down and trying to discreetly smuggle it whilst being towed by a family convinced you have a baby!
AS YOU DO!
It turns out that Mr Don Fitzgerald happens to be a CIA Agent doing the exact same camouflage that the Millers are doing. The garage is closed on Sunday, So they decide to camp til morning. Edith Fitzgerald's annoying persistence to hold the "baby", causes Rose to throw the Baggy onto the Interstate, where it gets ran over. Casey interjects that it was a....Flour Baby for Sex ed class!
That night a game of Pictionary goes awry when Kenny blatantly draws a cock....
"IT Woz Suppose t'be a SKAITBOARD...COR BLIMEY!...CHIM, CHIMENY, OI'M AMERIKAN, INNIT!"
-The Fitzgerald's daughter comes on to Kenny. This leads to David giving the rubber faced Narnia Scrappy Man Talk.
Yeah that's all well and good, but need I remind you is that the girl's father is a CIA Agent, you are drug smugglers, and anything putting Kenny to the fore is only to lead to seeing his exposed junk for 5 whole minutes.
So David and Rose plan on stealing the Keys to the Fitzgerald's Rv but they wake and put 2 and 2 together and come up with-The Millers in their Tent because they are Swingers!
Yep, Just when you think we've seen it all, plus the threat of Will Poulter's swollen balls they spring this on you!
So the girls in the Miller gang teaches Kenny how to kiss a girl, Melissa walks in and naturally is freaked out.
So Stopping at the garage, the millers are ambushed by Pablo's Gang and knowing who Don is, are convinced David is a whistleblower, goes to kill him and the family, David tries to convince their not a family-NOT by Leaning on the 4th wall and scald Poulter's accent-But by making rose strip, giving us 5 minutes (10 in the extended Version) of Freckly Cleavage and Boot Leather Abs and Naval. but it's a distraction for the smuggling shitehawks to escape.
But Remember the Taruntula?
It climbs up Kenny's shorts!
WAIT FOR IT.....
So the Millers off Road and Kenny Realises that something is biting him in the love spuds!
Wait for it....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jY0BYkcdtSQ
In hospital Kenny is not allowed to travel Meaning David will not meet the deadline. After Casey leaves with a Carny, David and Rose open up to each other, Rose revealing her real name is Sarah.
After rushing Kenny out of hospital, David blurts out he's getting paid half a million, while only paying 30k to Sarah, 1k to Casey.
-AM OI GETTIN' PAY-ED?
-NOT THE WAY YOU'VE BEING ACTING, NARNIA SCRAPPY!
So Casey walks out to join her Carny Boyfriend, David Leaves Rose and Kenny behind and is on the road to Denver, Leaving the rest of the gang defenceless when Pablo arrives, But then something horrible happens. Something that stops this film from being shorter than it is:
DAVID GROWS A CONSIENCE!
And returns to the funfair where Sarah has dealt with the Carny.
SO LETS FINISH THIS!
Kenny tells the truth to the Fitzgeralds to "impress" Melissa, Donny Arrests Pablo's General, Pablo gets distracted by Fireworks (told ya, it is a road movie, after all!) long enough for Kenny to deck him, getting the girl, Don lets the millers go, David brings the Shipment to Brad, who double-crosses him, But David Reveals he has entered a plea bargain to get Brad arrested, and so the story ends with the Millers in protective Custody, Kenny's Ball being a viral hit and Meeting the neighbours and calling them Middle American Assholes behind their back as a cutaway shot shows freshly Sewn Marijuana buds in the Rosebushes.
Welcome, to NO MORAL THEATRE!
AND WELCOME AND ALL RISE TO THE MENTAL BREAKDOWN NATIONAL ANTHEM!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=btEpF334Rtc
IT'S OVER!
THANK FUCKING GOD!
THIS FRESH DUMP ON THE SHIT PILE THAT IS JENNIFER ANISTON'S FILM CAREER IS THE FUCKING LIMIT! YOU WOULD THINK THEY WOULD CONSIDER THIS FILM EARLIER IN HER CAREER....y'know WHEN SHE WAS HOT! I NEVER HEARD OF JASON SUDEKIS AND AFTER THIS, NEVER AGAIN, ROBERTS IS NOTHING MORE THAN FURNITURE THAT TALKS AND POULTER, IS JUST HORRENDOUS, EXCEPT WE DON'T HAVE THE CONVENIENCE OF HIM "TURNED INTO A DRAGON" FOR HALF THE FILM!
Of the 3 road movies I've reviewed on this site, it's up there as bad as The Chaperone, But RV: Runaway Vacation did have Josh Hutcherson and a Geyser of Shit in it so i'll let that slide.
CREDITS
Meet the Millers was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With clips from
Adventure Time!
Meet the Millers
Music
"Waterfalls" by TLC
"Combine Harvester" by the Wurzels
Meet the Millers was produced by Warner Bros. and New Line Cinema
Friday, August 1, 2014
Eamonn and 8O'S Lad Ogle at Piranah DoubleD
(EAMONN'S LINES IN BLACK)
(80'S LADS LINES IN ORANGE)
This months theme-night swimming by R.E.M
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ahJ6Kh8klM4
It's Summertime and you know what that means!
Beach trips and girls in bikinis
And if there was ever a film that does a disservice to that, it's Piranha DD, Which after that "FloorBurger" Fiasco was the last gasp for David Hasselhoff
-THE HOFF? AND SEXY BABES? DUUUUUUDDDDDDDEEEEE!
-Oh Hello Eighties Lad! Do you want to join in this road to 100 Review?
-Sure thing, Mang! I've done a lot here on Bogger Box Office, Remember when that Alternative me kidnapped me, Put me In Suspended Animation for a whole year, While a Living Computer Program tried to kill us all? Good Times, Baby, Good times!
We dive straight in, with found footage of Spring breaker is segued into a news report about the prequel, piranhas (and tits!) in 3D. The town of Victoria Falls, Florida has being abandoned.
We cut to the inside of the Producers Mind!
-No we don't it's an empty wall cavity devoid of intelligent lif-OH I GET IT! We are in Alabama as we see something in the water. Something with huge teeth, Something with 1 facial expression and a taste for young, nubile flesh.
THAT'S RIGHT! GARY BUSEY!
Busey is a farmer trying to find his cow in the water. After lighting the methane in the cows farts the heat hatches piranha eggs and they eat Busey and his friend as the Title card segues into...
TITSTITSTITSTITS....
-(SMACK!)
-not cool, Mang!
We cut to an ad for (I can't believe someone got paid to think of this!) The Big and Wet Waterpark (including a cameo by American Idol reject, Bikini Girl). The Plot, as miniscule as it is, is that this waterpark is reopening after the mother of the heroine, Maddie, died, But her stepfather a Slimy McSlimeball called Chett, has added a Adult Pool and replaced the Lifeguard with Models.
Only good can come from this! Later that night we introduced to characters who probably have names, but will only act on their base stereotypes of Heart-throb, Ass-hole,Slut, Comic Relief, Nerd, Stoner and Black Friend.
Only 3 will survive. And it won't be the last 1! Also Ass-hole is also the park's Rent-A-cop.
So Slut and Nerd separate from the others to skinny dip.
~Night Swimming/Deserves a Quiet Ni---AAAARRRGGGHHH! OH THE HUMANITY! WAIT! A False scare, Come On Dude! I wasted a good joke on this?
No, You don't have to, because Some Ill advised Sex Play has taken the handbrake of Stoner's van as He and Black Girl are plunged into the water. Which means only 1 thing!
BLACK PERSON DIES FIRST!
The next day, A reluctant Maddie stocks Condoms, As Slut vomits a 3D shot for the camera. Class!
The cops uncover Stoners Van with no sign of the skeletal remains. Which is Bogus! Like all Carnivores, piranhas cannot eat solid bone, Bone has no nutritional value since they always picked clean by all meat eaters. The whole ravenous Piranha fallacy was invented by Theodore Roosevelt who saw piranhas at a demonstration, and Conjectured that IF you put a hand into a pool of piranhas, It MIGHT tear your hand off. In Truth piranhas are vegetarian scavengers that eat anything that lands in their vicinity, but it has to be dead first!
OF COURSE! DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SCIENCE?
So in what was suppose to be character development for Maddie and Slut turned into the first attack by the glove puppets, So Maddie, Heart-throb and Asshole drive from Alabama to Florida to meet Dr Goodman (Christopher Lloyd)
"MARTY! YOU MUST SAVE ME! I'M IN A SHITTY FILM WITH HASSELHOFF AND THE AMERICAN IDOL SKANK!"
Dr Goodman shows the teens a piranha tear though weapon Grade Steel and tells them that these prehistoric piranhas thrive in mineral rich water so chlorine filled pools will confuse the fish. He also tells us that the world discredited his works when he theorized that fish will learn to walk.
FORESHADOWING!
After confirming that Black Girl is dead (It's a horror film, of course she's dead!) There is more Teasing of something terribly wrong with slut. To check if the pipes are big enough to let piranhas in, Heart-throb let's slip he can't swim, Leaving Maddie all alone for Ass-hole to save her.
HEY KIDS!
WANNA HEAR SOMETHING STUPID?
Take it, Eighties Lad!
We cut to Slut and Nerd having sex when somehow, I don't know how or when but a piranha egg was inside her vagina has laid and the fish has bitten the Man Cock, to the point of cutting it off with a knife!
We then cut to Chet bribing Asshole to keep the park open tomorrow.
Maddie has a bath and a Nightmare about Piranhas. In a seedy motel room, paid with hookers, the Hoff makes his cameo as it's the day of the parks reopening. The sheriff who lost his legs to the fish in the last film, has being invited to some immersion therapy to heal his new-found fear of water!
From here it's just non-stop gore and stupidity! so here's the quick version, Chet bores into an underwater lake, Hoff takes the place of a first Aid specialist, Asshole arrest Maddie and without the subtly of Jaws, the piranhas attack, the Sherriff gets his sawn-off prosectics, Comic Relief gets his ass chews, the Hoff dooms countless people just to save 1 child, Chet gets his ass handed to him by an escaped Maddie, A distraction by Katrina Bowden decapitates Chet, Maddie and Heart-Throb drain the pool even with him overcoming his fear of water. Asshole leaves his friends to die and in turn is stabbed to death by a flying rubbish pick, after an explosion by Comic Relief's fireworks launches the remaining fish high enough to suffocate them and so the nightmare is over.
OR IS IT?
Doctor Goodman tells Maddie over the phone that he is right: Fish have learned how to walk, if they learned to breath air, We'd be fucked but no, Walk is what we are going with!
THIS FILM IS SO BOGUS!
In modern Parlance, that means...
THIS FILM SUCKS!
Though you are not surprised in the least? are you? a sleazy, contrived, piece of common denominator gimmicky trash for the biggest useless film gimmick, that never goes away, the 3D Film.
NEXT MONTH....MEET THE MILLERS
CREDITS
Piranah DD was reviewed, compiled and Edited by, and as Eighties Lad, by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music by-
REM "Night Swimming"
Piranah dd is distributed by Entertainment In Film.
All rights Reserved.
Follow me on Twitter @RealEnli
And now on Tumblr at enlightenedtowers.tumblr.com
(80'S LADS LINES IN ORANGE)
This months theme-night swimming by R.E.M
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ahJ6Kh8klM4
It's Summertime and you know what that means!
Beach trips and girls in bikinis
And if there was ever a film that does a disservice to that, it's Piranha DD, Which after that "FloorBurger" Fiasco was the last gasp for David Hasselhoff
-THE HOFF? AND SEXY BABES? DUUUUUUDDDDDDDEEEEE!
-Oh Hello Eighties Lad! Do you want to join in this road to 100 Review?
-Sure thing, Mang! I've done a lot here on Bogger Box Office, Remember when that Alternative me kidnapped me, Put me In Suspended Animation for a whole year, While a Living Computer Program tried to kill us all? Good Times, Baby, Good times!
We dive straight in, with found footage of Spring breaker is segued into a news report about the prequel, piranhas (and tits!) in 3D. The town of Victoria Falls, Florida has being abandoned.
We cut to the inside of the Producers Mind!
-No we don't it's an empty wall cavity devoid of intelligent lif-OH I GET IT! We are in Alabama as we see something in the water. Something with huge teeth, Something with 1 facial expression and a taste for young, nubile flesh.
THAT'S RIGHT! GARY BUSEY!
Busey is a farmer trying to find his cow in the water. After lighting the methane in the cows farts the heat hatches piranha eggs and they eat Busey and his friend as the Title card segues into...
TITSTITSTITSTITS....
-(SMACK!)
-not cool, Mang!
We cut to an ad for (I can't believe someone got paid to think of this!) The Big and Wet Waterpark (including a cameo by American Idol reject, Bikini Girl). The Plot, as miniscule as it is, is that this waterpark is reopening after the mother of the heroine, Maddie, died, But her stepfather a Slimy McSlimeball called Chett, has added a Adult Pool and replaced the Lifeguard with Models.
Only good can come from this! Later that night we introduced to characters who probably have names, but will only act on their base stereotypes of Heart-throb, Ass-hole,Slut, Comic Relief, Nerd, Stoner and Black Friend.
Only 3 will survive. And it won't be the last 1! Also Ass-hole is also the park's Rent-A-cop.
So Slut and Nerd separate from the others to skinny dip.
~Night Swimming/Deserves a Quiet Ni---AAAARRRGGGHHH! OH THE HUMANITY! WAIT! A False scare, Come On Dude! I wasted a good joke on this?
No, You don't have to, because Some Ill advised Sex Play has taken the handbrake of Stoner's van as He and Black Girl are plunged into the water. Which means only 1 thing!
BLACK PERSON DIES FIRST!
The next day, A reluctant Maddie stocks Condoms, As Slut vomits a 3D shot for the camera. Class!
The cops uncover Stoners Van with no sign of the skeletal remains. Which is Bogus! Like all Carnivores, piranhas cannot eat solid bone, Bone has no nutritional value since they always picked clean by all meat eaters. The whole ravenous Piranha fallacy was invented by Theodore Roosevelt who saw piranhas at a demonstration, and Conjectured that IF you put a hand into a pool of piranhas, It MIGHT tear your hand off. In Truth piranhas are vegetarian scavengers that eat anything that lands in their vicinity, but it has to be dead first!
OF COURSE! DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SCIENCE?
So in what was suppose to be character development for Maddie and Slut turned into the first attack by the glove puppets, So Maddie, Heart-throb and Asshole drive from Alabama to Florida to meet Dr Goodman (Christopher Lloyd)
"MARTY! YOU MUST SAVE ME! I'M IN A SHITTY FILM WITH HASSELHOFF AND THE AMERICAN IDOL SKANK!"
Dr Goodman shows the teens a piranha tear though weapon Grade Steel and tells them that these prehistoric piranhas thrive in mineral rich water so chlorine filled pools will confuse the fish. He also tells us that the world discredited his works when he theorized that fish will learn to walk.
FORESHADOWING!
After confirming that Black Girl is dead (It's a horror film, of course she's dead!) There is more Teasing of something terribly wrong with slut. To check if the pipes are big enough to let piranhas in, Heart-throb let's slip he can't swim, Leaving Maddie all alone for Ass-hole to save her.
HEY KIDS!
WANNA HEAR SOMETHING STUPID?
Take it, Eighties Lad!
We cut to Slut and Nerd having sex when somehow, I don't know how or when but a piranha egg was inside her vagina has laid and the fish has bitten the Man Cock, to the point of cutting it off with a knife!
We then cut to Chet bribing Asshole to keep the park open tomorrow.
Maddie has a bath and a Nightmare about Piranhas. In a seedy motel room, paid with hookers, the Hoff makes his cameo as it's the day of the parks reopening. The sheriff who lost his legs to the fish in the last film, has being invited to some immersion therapy to heal his new-found fear of water!
From here it's just non-stop gore and stupidity! so here's the quick version, Chet bores into an underwater lake, Hoff takes the place of a first Aid specialist, Asshole arrest Maddie and without the subtly of Jaws, the piranhas attack, the Sherriff gets his sawn-off prosectics, Comic Relief gets his ass chews, the Hoff dooms countless people just to save 1 child, Chet gets his ass handed to him by an escaped Maddie, A distraction by Katrina Bowden decapitates Chet, Maddie and Heart-Throb drain the pool even with him overcoming his fear of water. Asshole leaves his friends to die and in turn is stabbed to death by a flying rubbish pick, after an explosion by Comic Relief's fireworks launches the remaining fish high enough to suffocate them and so the nightmare is over.
OR IS IT?
Doctor Goodman tells Maddie over the phone that he is right: Fish have learned how to walk, if they learned to breath air, We'd be fucked but no, Walk is what we are going with!
THIS FILM IS SO BOGUS!
In modern Parlance, that means...
THIS FILM SUCKS!
Though you are not surprised in the least? are you? a sleazy, contrived, piece of common denominator gimmicky trash for the biggest useless film gimmick, that never goes away, the 3D Film.
NEXT MONTH....MEET THE MILLERS
CREDITS
Piranah DD was reviewed, compiled and Edited by, and as Eighties Lad, by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music by-
REM "Night Swimming"
Piranah dd is distributed by Entertainment In Film.
All rights Reserved.
Follow me on Twitter @RealEnli
And now on Tumblr at enlightenedtowers.tumblr.com
Monday, June 9, 2014
Eamonn Reviews Arthur and The Great Adventure
Mediocrity is dirty word.
Sometimes, children, the world is not as cut-and-dry, Which is why many see the 5-star rating as a flawed system. But While the greats are held in relevance and failures in disdain, Well what of the ever increasing population of the 3-star film? That niggling film that shows up on tv at Christmas and on bank holidays? the one where critics start the paragraph with..."It's Good, But...?"
The Prequel of today's film was one such film. While it did a whole lot better in it's native France,The film's beautifully shot animation turned some heads. And 2 sequels were already greenlighted.
However, it went downhill for Luc Besson's pet project, Most critics scoffed Besson's casting "A-List actors for the sake of being as good as Shrek!", So much so, that only Jimmy Fallon is reprising his role as Beta. Also the Moral Guardians, Tore into the French Film's Moral Dissonance, as Madonna's character of Selinina was drawn in a overt sexualised way, Many scenes of the love-interests ass crack in see through jeans and cleavage, Drinking, French kissing, smoking and even a scene where Arthur uses Sleinina's cord in her corset to swing to safety was edited out!
So now the cast is replaced by D-list pop stars, in a film with no musical numbers. But what about the story?
In 2006, Came the first film, Arthur and the Invisibles, telling the story of Arthur (Freddie Highmore) who lives in 60's California with his Grandma Daisy (Mia Farrow) and this reviewers most hated trope, Useless Parents. When an Evil Development Company of Evil, wants to buy the land, Arthur shrinks to the size of a rice-grain using a magic telescope, to find a stash of rubies, free his also shrunk long-lost grandfather, become the chosen one and stop a deformed warlord from (It's put more subtlety in the film but the context is still there!) taking the princess' youth by taking her virginity!
So due to the lack of faith, both sequels in France were edited together as 1 film in it's worldwide release. but is it really that bad?
Let's Dig into Arthur and the Glorified TV Pilot and find out where the hell it went wrong!
We start in California 1963, 3 years after the events of the first film. As the sun rises, The Minimoy army whose helmets resemble specks of raspberries and Blackberries, use their incest steeds and yetis (what?) to gather Berries for the Royal Full Moon Ball, when they are attacked by bees. so the fairies fire at them with berries.
That's a bit counter Productive, isn't it?
Your main source of food is also your Primary military tactic?
The scared off bee is used to segue into the live action segment, as Arthur's dad used a honey trap to capture it. While in a yurt in their garden, the tribe who Archibald learnt of the minimoys existence makes Arthur a member of the tribe. We also learn that Arthur is allergic to bee stings...too bad it doesn't stop Arthur from freeing the bee with little fear of dying.
As a present for passing the test, Archibald gives Arthur a train for his train set.
PLOT ITEM!
...Oh, and in the 3 years between the events of both films...Arthur's mother has no idea about the fairies, the African tribesmen in her garden or even how HER FATHER!,-Yes! Archibald is HER FATHER-returned 3 years after being presumed dead! There's Audience surrogates and there's just plain stupidity.
An over the top scare chord harkens the Not-Hugh Laurie who plays Dad to tell the family that are leaving tonight. An upset Arthur packs his things when a spider gives Arthur a rice grain with a message engraved on it.
"Remember To Always Drink Your Ovaltine?"
NO! OF COURSE NOT!
It's a distress Message.
Arthur performs a bait-and-switch with a blanket and his dog, that really ends with the conclusion that rose thinks her son has turned into a werewolf, and returns to the garden where the tribe performs the ritual with the telescope to turn Arthur into a Minimoy.
Our hero lands into Max's Club (First Played by Snoop Liony Lion, now played by Wyclif Jean), who tells about a new villain, Lord-Not-Shown-In-This-Film! and his army of unicorns. But Max still ferries Arthur on his ladybird shaped airship to Paradise Alley, Basically a fairy version of South Beach, Miami.
After a homage to Total Recall, Max finds his cousin Replay (Stacey "Fergie" Ferguson, who sounds like Tara Strong...With a Head Cold!), For the word on the street, just as it happens behind Max's and Arthur's backs, Beta,(Jimmy Fallon) is arrested by Unicorns, hideous Zombies with apropos Headgear.
Arthur and Beta escape into his house, losing the unicorns one by one, Wanting to see Selinina (Selina Gomez, replacing Madonna ) again, Arthur finds her captured by Maltarzard, (The Late Lou Reed, who matches the design of THE EVIL M more than Bowie ever did!), Whose plan is to grow human size and... YOU GUESSED IT! TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=X8u7px_GzWQ
Naturally, the now Six Foot incestoid with one arm stands out so he kidnaps a plastic surgeon to make him look human. Back to our heroes, Arthur devises a plan to make it up to Archibald's study to "borrow" a Reserving Potion, by to taking a bubble up a waterpipe. It's there they encounter Darkos(iggy Pop), Maltarzard's Evil but dim-witted son.
Maltarzard, disguised as a magician with very rough features and unhealed scars, enters Arthurs house to kill his old enemy Archibald, but with his family present, the villain bides his time, especially when Rose insensitively screams and faints at the sight of him. Darkos escapes the waterpipe and chases the trio on a toy motorbike, but a fight that destroys the toy train sees him off.
Archibald uncovers Maltazard who in the film was rotting because and I quote from the first film, by "the decadent living and many "interactions" with all life-forms" is now an admirer of Mia Farrow and her cooking.
But Arthur's plan fails when Archibald gives the Potion to M. And his plan is revealed: Grow his army, Destroy California as an example to Archibald, take over the world...And Make Daisy(Farrow) make him a chocolate pie every Sunday.
Being abandoned by his father, Darkos has a Face Turn as the 3 minomoys board a toy plane, but M has already grown his Army. Selinina has attracted a bee to take them to the hive, as the potion is pure royal Jelly but Arthur brings up the allergy, not like that stop him before! Said Bee convinces the queen to give the Jelly to the minimoys, Just as Arthur's Duh-Brain parents and fire-fighters come to spray pesticide. Using the bees to convey a message to Rose, the ever unreliable Mother faints as dad saves her by causing a Zoo-keeper-Esque Pratfall
The fire-fighters are called off as the invasion intensifies, Arthur drinks the potion and becomes human again and steals Dad's fixed car. Archibald, who the entire time had a whole batch of Reversing Potion grows darkos to human size and also drives into town.
Arthus and M's guard battle in a supermarket and hi-jacks a mosquito to have an air-joust but he gets captured.
Maltarzard convinces Darkos, who nearly kills his father, to re-join his cause, only for the M to betray him further. Selininia and Beta stings M with a bee covered in Reserving Potion as the U.S. Army subdues the Evil M Army and so the film ends with Our human heroes having a tea party and Daisy serving Maltazard, imprisoned under a glass, a piece of chocolate pie, without lifting the glass, this make him do the "CURSES!" Pose, As Darkos sings "Rebel, Rebel" over the credits.
Because Iggy Pop's Darkos Voice was such a Joy to listen to, right?
LISTEN TO THIS SHIT!-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTDa00o-EtI
THIS FILM SUCKS!
AAAARRRRGH!
WHERE DID IT GO WRONG?
Was there Executive Meddling to change a very original evil overload, into a cake loving pansy who just did evil things to get people to like him? The 1st film's animation was beautiful, Lip syncing aside, as you would expect from a visual creator like monsieur Besson, This go-around, like I said felt more like a tv pilot. Most blended films, especially the cheaply made ones, but more emphasis on the live-action, and oh boy did I had to suffer the "comedy stylings of the Hugh Laurie and Kirsten Wiig Stand-ins playing Arthurs Parents. Put those scenes next to any seen with Jimmy Fallon having Dialogue, and it's too much to bear. In Short, The Moral Guardians Ruined another Franchise.
CREDITS
Arthur and the Great Adventure- separately known as Arthur and the revenge of Maltazard and Arthur and Final battle in France-Was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With Clips from
Street fighter
Arthur and the Great Adventure.
Arthur and The Minimoys franchise is distributed by Universal Studios.
All Rights Reserved.
All clips belong to their respective owners.
Follow me on twitter @RealEnli
Sometimes, children, the world is not as cut-and-dry, Which is why many see the 5-star rating as a flawed system. But While the greats are held in relevance and failures in disdain, Well what of the ever increasing population of the 3-star film? That niggling film that shows up on tv at Christmas and on bank holidays? the one where critics start the paragraph with..."It's Good, But...?"
The Prequel of today's film was one such film. While it did a whole lot better in it's native France,The film's beautifully shot animation turned some heads. And 2 sequels were already greenlighted.
However, it went downhill for Luc Besson's pet project, Most critics scoffed Besson's casting "A-List actors for the sake of being as good as Shrek!", So much so, that only Jimmy Fallon is reprising his role as Beta. Also the Moral Guardians, Tore into the French Film's Moral Dissonance, as Madonna's character of Selinina was drawn in a overt sexualised way, Many scenes of the love-interests ass crack in see through jeans and cleavage, Drinking, French kissing, smoking and even a scene where Arthur uses Sleinina's cord in her corset to swing to safety was edited out!
So now the cast is replaced by D-list pop stars, in a film with no musical numbers. But what about the story?
In 2006, Came the first film, Arthur and the Invisibles, telling the story of Arthur (Freddie Highmore) who lives in 60's California with his Grandma Daisy (Mia Farrow) and this reviewers most hated trope, Useless Parents. When an Evil Development Company of Evil, wants to buy the land, Arthur shrinks to the size of a rice-grain using a magic telescope, to find a stash of rubies, free his also shrunk long-lost grandfather, become the chosen one and stop a deformed warlord from (It's put more subtlety in the film but the context is still there!) taking the princess' youth by taking her virginity!
So due to the lack of faith, both sequels in France were edited together as 1 film in it's worldwide release. but is it really that bad?
Let's Dig into Arthur and the Glorified TV Pilot and find out where the hell it went wrong!
We start in California 1963, 3 years after the events of the first film. As the sun rises, The Minimoy army whose helmets resemble specks of raspberries and Blackberries, use their incest steeds and yetis (what?) to gather Berries for the Royal Full Moon Ball, when they are attacked by bees. so the fairies fire at them with berries.
That's a bit counter Productive, isn't it?
Your main source of food is also your Primary military tactic?
The scared off bee is used to segue into the live action segment, as Arthur's dad used a honey trap to capture it. While in a yurt in their garden, the tribe who Archibald learnt of the minimoys existence makes Arthur a member of the tribe. We also learn that Arthur is allergic to bee stings...too bad it doesn't stop Arthur from freeing the bee with little fear of dying.
As a present for passing the test, Archibald gives Arthur a train for his train set.
PLOT ITEM!
...Oh, and in the 3 years between the events of both films...Arthur's mother has no idea about the fairies, the African tribesmen in her garden or even how HER FATHER!,-Yes! Archibald is HER FATHER-returned 3 years after being presumed dead! There's Audience surrogates and there's just plain stupidity.
An over the top scare chord harkens the Not-Hugh Laurie who plays Dad to tell the family that are leaving tonight. An upset Arthur packs his things when a spider gives Arthur a rice grain with a message engraved on it.
"Remember To Always Drink Your Ovaltine?"
NO! OF COURSE NOT!
It's a distress Message.
Arthur performs a bait-and-switch with a blanket and his dog, that really ends with the conclusion that rose thinks her son has turned into a werewolf, and returns to the garden where the tribe performs the ritual with the telescope to turn Arthur into a Minimoy.
Our hero lands into Max's Club (First Played by Snoop Liony Lion, now played by Wyclif Jean), who tells about a new villain, Lord-Not-Shown-In-This-Film! and his army of unicorns. But Max still ferries Arthur on his ladybird shaped airship to Paradise Alley, Basically a fairy version of South Beach, Miami.
After a homage to Total Recall, Max finds his cousin Replay (Stacey "Fergie" Ferguson, who sounds like Tara Strong...With a Head Cold!), For the word on the street, just as it happens behind Max's and Arthur's backs, Beta,(Jimmy Fallon) is arrested by Unicorns, hideous Zombies with apropos Headgear.
Arthur and Beta escape into his house, losing the unicorns one by one, Wanting to see Selinina (Selina Gomez, replacing Madonna ) again, Arthur finds her captured by Maltarzard, (The Late Lou Reed, who matches the design of THE EVIL M more than Bowie ever did!), Whose plan is to grow human size and... YOU GUESSED IT! TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=X8u7px_GzWQ
Naturally, the now Six Foot incestoid with one arm stands out so he kidnaps a plastic surgeon to make him look human. Back to our heroes, Arthur devises a plan to make it up to Archibald's study to "borrow" a Reserving Potion, by to taking a bubble up a waterpipe. It's there they encounter Darkos(iggy Pop), Maltarzard's Evil but dim-witted son.
Maltarzard, disguised as a magician with very rough features and unhealed scars, enters Arthurs house to kill his old enemy Archibald, but with his family present, the villain bides his time, especially when Rose insensitively screams and faints at the sight of him. Darkos escapes the waterpipe and chases the trio on a toy motorbike, but a fight that destroys the toy train sees him off.
Archibald uncovers Maltazard who in the film was rotting because and I quote from the first film, by "the decadent living and many "interactions" with all life-forms" is now an admirer of Mia Farrow and her cooking.
But Arthur's plan fails when Archibald gives the Potion to M. And his plan is revealed: Grow his army, Destroy California as an example to Archibald, take over the world...And Make Daisy(Farrow) make him a chocolate pie every Sunday.
Being abandoned by his father, Darkos has a Face Turn as the 3 minomoys board a toy plane, but M has already grown his Army. Selinina has attracted a bee to take them to the hive, as the potion is pure royal Jelly but Arthur brings up the allergy, not like that stop him before! Said Bee convinces the queen to give the Jelly to the minimoys, Just as Arthur's Duh-Brain parents and fire-fighters come to spray pesticide. Using the bees to convey a message to Rose, the ever unreliable Mother faints as dad saves her by causing a Zoo-keeper-Esque Pratfall
The fire-fighters are called off as the invasion intensifies, Arthur drinks the potion and becomes human again and steals Dad's fixed car. Archibald, who the entire time had a whole batch of Reversing Potion grows darkos to human size and also drives into town.
Arthus and M's guard battle in a supermarket and hi-jacks a mosquito to have an air-joust but he gets captured.
Maltarzard convinces Darkos, who nearly kills his father, to re-join his cause, only for the M to betray him further. Selininia and Beta stings M with a bee covered in Reserving Potion as the U.S. Army subdues the Evil M Army and so the film ends with Our human heroes having a tea party and Daisy serving Maltazard, imprisoned under a glass, a piece of chocolate pie, without lifting the glass, this make him do the "CURSES!" Pose, As Darkos sings "Rebel, Rebel" over the credits.
Because Iggy Pop's Darkos Voice was such a Joy to listen to, right?
LISTEN TO THIS SHIT!-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTDa00o-EtI
THIS FILM SUCKS!
AAAARRRRGH!
WHERE DID IT GO WRONG?
Was there Executive Meddling to change a very original evil overload, into a cake loving pansy who just did evil things to get people to like him? The 1st film's animation was beautiful, Lip syncing aside, as you would expect from a visual creator like monsieur Besson, This go-around, like I said felt more like a tv pilot. Most blended films, especially the cheaply made ones, but more emphasis on the live-action, and oh boy did I had to suffer the "comedy stylings of the Hugh Laurie and Kirsten Wiig Stand-ins playing Arthurs Parents. Put those scenes next to any seen with Jimmy Fallon having Dialogue, and it's too much to bear. In Short, The Moral Guardians Ruined another Franchise.
CREDITS
Arthur and the Great Adventure- separately known as Arthur and the revenge of Maltazard and Arthur and Final battle in France-Was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With Clips from
Street fighter
Arthur and the Great Adventure.
Arthur and The Minimoys franchise is distributed by Universal Studios.
All Rights Reserved.
All clips belong to their respective owners.
Follow me on twitter @RealEnli
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