THE Suicide Squad part2

 To Start where we left off, The army storm into the room to see Harley (Margot Robbie) has shot General Silvio Mateo Dead. and once again becomes a prisoner. Now General Cortez Luna is in Command, as we cut to Polka Dot Man, Relapsing from his Power Incontinence, He tells the other's his backstory, His mother experimented on her own Children in an attempt to make them Superheroes. Many Died. His power is a inter-dimensional Sickness, In short, Expunge the powers, every day, twice a day, for the rest of your life, your body is eaten away by the black hole inside you, sooner! Also he sees his mother in Everyone, including the squad, and i don't want to say that Lynn Ashe, the actress that plays Mrs Krill looks like Chris Chan, But....

THAT'S UNFORTUNATE!

So the Squad are Guided by Solidad, the surviving resistance fighter, after the rescue/Dick Measuring contest Peacemaker and Bloodsport had, introduces an Ally, a Cowardly truckdriver named Milton!, who will drive them into town to the red light District to kidnap The Thinker (Peter Capaldi). He also supplies them with Disguises, (Expect King Shark, despite insisting on a Fake Moustache) Back in Belle Reve, Waller (Viola Davis) reminds Bloodsport his daughter's freedom is at stake, an Underling asks if Governess Waller is going to far, She tells him he doesn't know her well!

Like, it's not like she will inject the Future Father of  Batman Beyond with Bruce's Wayne's Sperm to Ensure we will always have a batman, right?

Ratcatcher explains her backstory, while her Father was a Coke addict who uses rats to steal to fuel his habit, she still sees his death as a fault of SOCIETY! Bloodsport (Idris Elba) explains his fear of rats come from his strict father locking him a Crate full of rats!

Finally Finding the Red Light District, they Get Rat-Arsed waiting for the Thinker, Even Ratcatcher's Rat Sebastian, gets More Rat-Arsed! Even Abner loosens up, though her sees the strippers as his mam!

Thinker Arrives and Bloodsport Kidnaps Him, Just as the soldiers raid the bar! Bloodsport tells Ratcather and Polkadot Man to take Greaves, while He, Peacemaker (WHO'S NAME IS JOHN CENA!) and Flag are arrested. They are being Brought to where Harley is being held!

We Cut to Harley being tortured ,but being in a Good Mood about it! Once again, this series of films has never stated that Harley has the same invulnerability Joker has from Drowning in the same chemicals he did. OR....

While the other's try to rescue her, Harley rescues herself by having the most Violent Musical Interlude ever, Even finds Her Javelin! Even Surprising Flag, "I can go back Inside if you want!"

So as their Ticket In, Thinker Brings the Squad behind enemy lines, while Peacemaker and King Shark plant C4 on the walls of Jotumheim.

Inside Jotumheim, Sebastian (Ratcatcher's rat) Squeals in Distress. the Reason? Hundreds of Zombies with their Faces covered in Spores, Dead the moment the Spores make Contact, but experimentation on the bodies show them kept Alive even by Vivisection, so long as the spore keeps on the face of the Victim. Flag lets out an exclamation of "Good God!" The Thinker, replies with this!

"GOD? IF STARRO WAS PROOF OF A GOD, THEN YOU WOULD THINK, GOD WAS NOT GOOD AT ALL!"

Starro Has grown giantsize as Thinker spouts some Home Truths

"STUPID AMERICAN SPACE COWBOYS TAKE STARRO TO HAVE A FEW DRUNKEN PHOTOS! YANKIE FUCKING DOODLE DANDY TAKE HIM TO MAKE HIM A WEAPON AGAINST THE RUSSIANS! BUT INSTEAD THEY PICK SOME ROCK NOONE HEARD OF TO COVER THEIR TRACKS! "

Flag had taken a hard-drive as evidence that the Government was Responsible for Starro. But Peacemaker, too narrow-minded in his Patriotism, Is Waller's ace in the Hole, Peacemaker pulls a gun on Flag and Ratcatcher as Jotumheim crumbles around them!

Ratcatcher wakes to find herself trapped with a freed Starro and the Thinker. After 3 decades of Torture and the Rape of his female Thralls, takes it out on Greaves in Gruesome Fashion. Let's just say that if a relationship is that bad for so long some "Splits" are easier than Others!

The Blood Splatter against the window, that was The Thinker, wakes up Flag and Peacemaker, who restart their Fight Over the Harddrive Flag pocketed, ending with Peacemaker Stabbing Flag in the heart with a piece of Shrapnel (Even showing a Horrific External Shot of the Blow!) Peacemaker realizes what he done, with Flag, bleeding from the mouth, utters his last words! (Peacemaker? what a Joke!) Ratcatcher runs in and grabs the hard-drive, only for Peacemaker to aim his pistol at her temple!

Cut to 8 Minutes ago, Harley and the rest of them plant the last C4, As King Shark (voice of Sylvester Stallone, wandered off into an Aquarium, finding alien Squids and play with him. Polkadot man drops some C4, and uses his powers to save the others from attack, accidentally, setting off the explosion in the present day. The Aquarium shatters, flooding all the top floors of Jotumheim, and the alien Squids start attacking Shark for his blood, Oh and Milton is dead!

Jotumheim falls in a cascade of Rubble and Water, King Shark is shot up by Luna's Soldiers only to be eaten by Nanawae! Bloodsport lands right in front of Peacemaker, who have a shot out, Bloodsport's bullet pierces Peacemakers and finds his Artery in his Neck and chokes on his blood! Bloodsport takes the hard-drive from Ratcatcher, hopefully using it as a bargaining chip later!

Free from his Prison, Starro's Conquest Begins, taking Control of Everyone with his Spores, even General Luna. Waller wants the Squad to Stand Down, Destroying Jotumheim was the mission, nothing else! So When the 5 all come down with a Dose of Morality, Waller threatens to detonate the bombs in their heads, Until one of the mission control Knocks out Mrs Waller with her own golf club!

SO LET'S FINISH THIS!

With Bloodsport's biggest Gun, King Shark's Hunger and Polkadot Man's Mammy Issues, they put a dent into Starro, But Polkadot Man Dies by being crushed to death! But Ratcatcher has brought reinforcements, given it's a slum in a 3rd world country-MILLIONS OF RATS swarm the Monstrous Invertebrate. Harley LE PARKOUR's on a roof, Piercing Starro's Single Eye with the Javelin, Swimming inside she leads the rats to eat Starro from the inside. Only for Starro through Luna, to tell the Squad, that all it wanted to do was float in space once more!

BITCH PLEASE!

You Named yourself STARRO THE CONQUERER! Your Species is Called the STAR DESTROYERS! You function by siphoning Energy from planets and its lifeforms. YOUR VICTIM CARD HAS BEING REVOKED!

Despite Corta Maltese's freedom, it's Bittersweet, Yes It's free but all those under Starro's Thrall are also Dead. Yes Bloodsport has leverage against Waller. but he's going back to prison and so the Film ends with the remaining Squad on the chopper tired but now excepting of each other, even Bloodsport allowing Sebastian to curl up on his lap! WE GET 2 STINGERS, Weasel is alive and stuck on Corta Maltese, and So Is Peacemaker ready for this NETFLIX SERIES!

THIS FILM IS GOOD! YOU MAY EVEN ARGUE IT'S GREAT!

You thought I would never have anything nice to say about "Harley Quinn's Ass, Featuring the Sui-SHITE Squad 3", but James Gunn, made it work! Despite the Generals being Forgettable Villains, (Luna has to kill Birds to establish, he's evil!) The film is supported by Broad Characters brought out by great actors and break neck Action! Robbie was no longer the focus of the film, though she did strike the finishing blow, all the characters had resolution. Danelia Mechior, as Ratcatcher 2, despite a OC was played with such heart and Hardship behind it. John Cena with his presence and Pleasant New England Voice was perfectly cast as a flag-waving Psychopath. Stallone was a one man (shark?) Meme Machine! But The nod goes To Peter Capaldi, who picked up the slack in the performance as the repulsive, Morally Corrupt Thinker! Did it veer into Scenery Chewing?  Absolutely! AND IT WAS WHAT WAS NEEDED! We Don't know if this is the Last Suicide Squad film, or just Robbie's Last, but Good god, what a way to go out!

CREDITS

THE Suicide Squad was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited in 2 parts by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli on Twitter!)

With Media from

The Suicide Squad

Superman Comics

Batman Comics

The Flash Comic

He-man and the Masters of the Universe

All media used belongs to their Respective owners. All Rights Reserved!

THE SUICIDE SQUAD Was Produced by Warner Bros and the Trademark is owned by DC Comics!

NEXT MONTH ON BOGGERBOXOFFICE!

A BUNCH OF OSCAR WINNING SUPPORTING ACTORS PICKED UP THE CALL TO HAVE A STARTING ROLE...WITHOUT CHECKING THE CALLER ID SAID SYFY!

IT'S YER MAN FROM THE THING, AND OTHER FANNING IN BADLANDS-ROAD TO FURY!

The Suicide Squad Review

A Game of Two Halves And No Quarter: Contract Breach.

In The Hidden Sphere, where Sabaru's true form worked her League of heroes behind the scenes, she was scanning all the "Fixtures" dramatic fights with her former compatriots in the Cognitive War, knowing their Exile will be how their silence is assured. It was all about making sure that the deck was slightly out of her charges favour, After all. She played a long game when it came to hope. The others of her kind? Their greed was the reason she was the LAST Mara! Sucking on fear of humans every night! No. She will savour the moment. The League. The Planet Harmonis. The planned Future Academy. See will Savour the Meal. All she needed to do was her heroes to perform.

And fatten up the Planets with Hope!

AND NOW! OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!

SO IT'S 2022! And like the God Janus. We are looking back at what has came and looking forward to moving on. It truly is the month for Endings and Beginnings, Contemplating and Expectation.

 What better way to start January With an Ending as our New Year's Beginning? Let's dig into the Rumoured Last Outing of Margot Robbie's Ass as Harley Quinn in THE Suicide Squad.

Well, The Poster is a Walking Spoiler! As if you couldn't avoid the memes online!

We open with Johnny Cash Folsom prison blues. We are back in Belle Reve Prison, New Orleans, Louisiana. The Elderly Genius Prisoner, Savant has being called from solitary confinement to join the Suicide Squad to shave 10 years off his term. Like before, he has his Brainstem fitted with a bomb should he escape. Our only 2 regulars are Rick Flag and Captain Boomerang, so let's meet our new recruits.

SAVANT-once an heir to an European Count. He was disowned after he was arrested for being a vigilante in Gotham city. Blessed with Photographic Memory and Sporadic amnesia, Savant is an expert on all things lethal and can read movement patterns.

BLACKGUARD- Originally a knight themed villain with super strength and energy weapons, now he's....

just a millennial asshat with a gun!

MONGAL- Mongol is an alien warlord, who once kidnapped Superman to fight other prisoners in his gladiator planet, WARWORLD!

HE'S NOT IN THIS FILM!

ITS HIS SISTER, THE ONE CREATED AS A JOKE

GET IT? SHE'S NOT MONGOL, she's MonGAL!

BECAUSE SHE'S (GASP!) A WOMAN!

ANYWAY TEN A PENNY ALIEN WITH SUPER STRENGTH!

JAVELIN-A German Olympian, who turned to crime to pay for the lavish lifestyle, his niche sport couldn't pay for!

TDK- (Nathan Fillion) more on Harvey from Teenage Witch later!

WEASEL-A College Student studying DNA born with Dwarfism, Bullied and Shot Down romantically until he injected Weasel DNA as an experiment to increase his growth past his limits.

Weasel became a character who was shown in a different light because girls thought he looked cute

"Weasel is so cute" They said.

"He Killed his Bullies and raped and killed their girlfriends"

-I CAN CHANGE HIM!

And off Course, Harley is Back, citing her little adventure in Birds of Prey as "a Road Rage Charge"!

So Harley Flirts with Javelin over his accent, TDK is coy about his name and Blackguard is an idiot! And with that being all the characterization they will get, is it no wonder the Mission Control is running a deadpool on who dies first?

That dishonour goes to Weasel, giving it's a animal power, Animal Weakness deal! Weasels can't swim And he dies off the shore of Corta Maltese. Blackguard had sold out the team to the Army, but gets a bullet in the brain! Ironic end for an idiot! And now it's time to properly introduced TDK.

Arms Falls off Boy, Later the Detachable Kid, is a hero turned Villain who can detach his arms to move them Psychically from a distance, or regrow a new pair to use the old as melee weapons. MonGAL jumps up and brings down a chopper, Killing all of the enemy....and Boomerang, and TDK, Javelin,...oh and Herself!

Oh MonGAL!

You, WOMAN! you!

In fear, Savant deserts the mission, making Waller having to detonate the bomb on his brain!

But it was all part of the plan, to send a SECOND Suicide Squad to invade, who we meet via flashback

ROBERT DUBOIS AKA BLOODSPORT! (Idris Elba) A Mercenary who once shot Superman with a Kryptonite Bullet. Waller is blackmailing him, to keep his daughter out of prison.

CHRIS SMITH AKA PEACEMAKER: A PTSD LADEN Soldier who uses Liberty to justify his murders out of being dismissed. He's played by a certain former Wrestler....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2D-ZO2rGcSA

NANAWAE AKA KING SHARK: (Voice of Sylvester Stallone) Supposedly the Descendant of a Incan Shark God, NANAWAE, a humanoid Sharkman is in Belle Reve's Custody, Since being a 6 foot, 400 pound Cannibal with not only the mind, but the self control of a child is a danger to Society.

RATCATCHER 2: An original character, the Daughter to Ratcatcher, a minor Batman Villain, a cross between Fagin and The Rat King. She Controls and Communicates with rats!

And Finally, Abner Krill, aka THE POLKADOT MAN, another Minor Batman Foe, Abner created a suit than turns simple polkadots into anything (So long as it's Circular, or Spherical in nature) saw blades, shurikens, bees, holes to escape, even blackholes if he wanted to. He's Depressed and seen as a Joke. Has Mammy Issues.

So Waller leads Squad 2 in a Briefing of the real mission. Corta Maltese government was overturned in a violent coup by 2 Generals, I've already forgotten the names of. But the mission is not an Assassination. On the Island there is a facility called Jotenheim, and contained within is "Operation Starfish" Waller has no idea what's inside, only that it's a weapon and Extra Terrestrial in nature.

To present day, as the only 2 Survivors, Harley finds Javelin on his last and so he Bequeaths his eponymous weapon to to her. The other squad camp out before tracking down the inside man the Original Flash's Archenemy, Gaius Greaves, aka the Thinker! Meanwhile Harley is captured by Soldiers and Flag is captured by who I assume are Freedom Fighters.

Abner's powers are now a debilitating illness that becomes Colourful, yet Transfiguring Boils, which he must expunge by vomiting or using his powers. In the colourful lights, Bloodsport sees King Shark trying to eat A sleeping Ratcatcher. Robert shoots warning shots at the Shark, who Huff's like a small child crying "HUNGRY!" Ratcatcher reveals the source of her power is a Bulb. And That Bloodsport is afraid of rats, much to Peacemaker's Amusement.

So the team are tasked on Rescuing Flag, with Waller giving the order to kill with Extreme Prejudice. Which turns into a game of Toppers between Bloodsport and Peacemaker. Only to find Flag alive and well chatting with the leader of the resistance, oblivious that they are now standing in a mass grave.

So as we stand it's a whole trained army between 4 trained Soldiers, a  teenager, a suicidal man, a sharkthing and thousands of rats!

Meanwhile in The Jotenheim Facility, we meet the Thinker (Peter Capaldi), a Villainous Genius who has Supplemented his Brainpower with a "Thinking Cap" Modules of Computer Ram injected into his skull, as his obsession to beat the flash  reached fever pitch. The younger forgettable general, who's name is repeated a lot, so he must be important for now, Mateo asks what The Thinker is working on via a old film projector he found. The Contents on which shows "project Starfish" aka Starro the Conqueror.

Starro is an alien Starfish who once nearly conquered Earth by using parasitic Spores to attack lifeforms and turn them into mindless slaves and extensions of his will. Somehow 30 years ago, Starro was kidnapped by American Astronauts to take photos with it, when it took the Men as it's slaves, somehow landing in the care of The Thinker.

Meanwhile, Harley is in a ditch, Bound by her Javelin, in her underwear, ( Because of Course! It is Harley Quinn's Ass featuring the Suicide Squad 3), until she Is Bathed and Brought To General Mateo. And Harley goes head over heels for him. After a single Montage and Costume Change, Harley is now General Mateo's Fiance.

He exposits that for years he heard rumours that the former regime used a mind controlling beast to quell Resistance to their rule. Now that he hasn't the same power noone will get in his wa....

BANG!

YEP!

Harley kills Mateo, because as of the events of Birds of Prey, She's kind of over Supervillain type.

Fare thee Well, General Mateo!

We Hardly Knew....To Give A Fuck!

# IN THE ARMS OF ANGELS/ FLY AWAAAAAAAYYYY!

NEXT WEEK, THE TRILOGY ENDS! WILL THE SQUAD RESCUE HARLEY? DOES SHE NEED RESCUING? AND WHAT WILL BLOWUP  JOHN CENA'S BRAIN FIRST? THE BOMB IN HIS BRAIN IN THIS MOVIE? OR THE REAL BOMB IN HIS BRAIN THE CHINESE GOVERNMENT PUT THEIR FOR SAYING TAIWAN IS A COUNTRY?

FIND OUT ONLY ON BOGGERBOXOFFICE!

Christmas Special 2021: Noddy Saves Christmas

 (THE FOLLOWING IS A CRACK REVIEW-IT'S DONE WITH NO OPINION OF THE SUBJECT MATTER, AND DONE COMPLETELY OUT OF HUMOUR, HOWEVER THERE ARE JOKES THAT WILL USE OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE!)

A full year in the Covid Era and the News world needed Something else to talk about.

We had a lot to distract us from Covid. The Olympics gave us a new wave of Sports-Stars, Biden's Blue Tide washed away the Fake-Tan Facist. George Floyd's family got the justice they wanted. And the World's Richest LITERAL Red-Headed Step-Child Pissed and Moaned to Oprah that War Criminal Liz did and said everything  else But serve Meghan Fried Chicken and Watermelon! 

But it was a Story in March that Got the Goat of Both Parents and Union Jackoffs on Both Sides of Irish Sea.

That was of the Charity, British Heritage "Cancelling" Enid Blyton

Enid Blyton, A British Woman born in 1897 was an Author of Many Children's books and Compilation of Short Stories, Her more famous books (If you pardon the pun) are the Famous Five and Noddy, the latter I'm sure a lot of the overseas readers would have known of. She's Published 300+ Stories from 1922 in a career that spanned 4 decades til her death in 1968

To this Day, her books her still popular, But not with controversy. Blyton's style doesn't translate well from books targeting young children, to those written for young adults, as the Wording is simplistic, almost condescending. Not helped that Blyton herself was a confirmed Elitist. But the Crux of the Cancelling was not a simple Remit of her Books, But Years of Accusations of her Books Being Racist!

One Banned Story, "The Ugly Black Doll" tells the story of Sambo (The Doll's name itself an Old Racist Slur!) Who was abandoned by it's owner for his "Ugly Blackness". In this Story the words "Black" and "blackness" are always following the word "Ugly" Until "Magic Rain" washes of the "Ugly Blackness" to Reveal "A Beautiful, Pink Face!"

Hell, Even Noddy, Beloved Preschool Character for Decades, has a Chequered Past.

In the Original Unedited version of the Book "Here Comes Noddy, Again". A Trio of Gollywogs, Mug Noddy, Steal his car and Leave him Naked. Of Course Nowadays, Publishers have and did Edit the Books without banning them outright, unless they had to. But with people angry, did that mean that there was going be a Bunch of Burning Bonfires of Blyton in Blighty? Were Mammies gonna be forced to rip Noddy Dolls from Crying Babas?

BITCH PLEASE!

Famous Five and Mallory Towers may still be Unlikable Posh Children's Books for Unlikable Posh Children, But With all the Editing Done and All the Coin it makes. Noddy would never be Cancelled!

Still That Doesn't Mean I CAN'T HAVE SOME FUN, AT THE TIME OF YEAR?

So with that being said, Take this review Below with a Grain of Salt and Jar of Topical Cream if it makes you Butt-Hurt, This Is Noddy Saves Christmas, the Christmas episode of Make Way For Noddy!

YEAH OFF COURSE BLYTON WOULD WANT A WHITE CHRISTMAS! WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER COLOURS? OK MAYBE NOT A YELLOW CHRISTMAS! DON'T EAT THE YELLOW SNOW KIDS!

We start with Our favourite Elvin Hackney, using his car to play Chicken with a toy Train!

And of Course Noddy is a Taxi-Driver! I've lost count On my trips up to Dublin how many times a Cab-driver has started a convo with me with the phrase "DIDYA 'ERE WHUT DEM'S FOREIGNERS R DOIN' NOW?"

It's Christmas In Toy-Town and Everyone is Excited and Happy. Noddy tells his friends that he wants to meet Santa to ask how he can deliver Presents to Millions in one night, His friends tell him he can't because he'll be Asleep. But Noddy says "A'ight, Bet!" Before Running off like a spoiled Child, until he remembers his Mentor.

"I'll Ask Big Ears! After all, he knows everything!"

"As Opposed to his Cousin, Big-NOSE! Greedy, Money Grabbing Motherf-"

We cut to a Cave, Covered in Rubbish where two Goblins live. The Goblins replaced Gollywogs as the Sole Antagonists. The are no Good Goblins and everything bad is Blamed on them. Gobbo is annoyed by Sly that he wants to put up decorations given that they never get presents. So to cheer themselves up they plan on stealing Noddy's Taxi and cause a Joyride.

"Can we Strip Noddy naked too, Gobbo?"

"(sigh) Whatever floats yer Toyboat, Sly!"

So Noddy asks Santa How Can Deliver Presents In one night, Big Ears Replies to ask Santa himself....if he can keep awake that is!

When all Of a Sudden, Santa's Sleigh Crashes outside Big Ears House! Santa has come to Ask Big Ears' Advice. He heard he can fix things and he needs something to be fixed, a Clock that can stop time. So that's How Santa can deliver presents to everyone in one night: With STANDO POWAH!

ZA.....WURLDO! STOPPU TAIM!

But his Clock is Malfunctioning, so Big Ears dismantles it as the goblins steal Noddy's Car...Until they spy the sleigh and have the idea of leaving with a fuckton of Toys. Which brings to mind a question?

If you gift toys to a Sentient Toy in Noddy's World, Would that count as Adoption, or Slavery? 

So the Problem is the Clock has lost it's Chime, But It's a Christmas Plot Convenience, Charlie Brown, as it turns out the chime sounds exactly like The Bell on Noddy's Hat. Noddy doesn't want to part with his trademark, but Santa says he'll be saving Christmas. No Offence, Santa but everyone has saved Christmas at this point, Technically So have I When I Saved Reality , So Join the Club, Noddy, we have T-shirts!

So the Clock is fixed and time stops for Noddy and Big Ears. So Santa Decides to be a dick and play a trick on them. Stealing a Magnifying Glass and moving to another part of the room. I've seen a lot of, let's say "Specialist Films" From Japan that have shown a lot worse has being done with Time Stops

Always delete your Browser history!

So Santa Finds that his Sleigh is gone, but It's left tracks that they follow. Without his bell, Noddy can sneak up on the goblins and Santa tricks them into giving them a present, but it's a shrinking potion and he puts The Goblins in a drum.

Wow! Santa is kind of a dick! Hard to make the argument to be Good if Santa is shrinking you for his own amusement! So he asks Noddy to deliver all the Toys IN Toytown, as he Delivers to the rest of the World.

And so it ends with the next morning, with his friends waking Noddy after a night of delivering gifts and Eating other peoples food, Despite his friends not believing him...Until Santa himself gifts Noddy a new hat with a bell on it. We even see that Noddy left the Goblins a present, because even so called "Bad" people deserve some Kindness!

CREDITS

Noddy Saves Christmas-from the Series Make Way For Noddy was Mocked for his own amusement, and possibly yours, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham

With Media From

Noddy

The Big Bang Theory 

Jojo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders

Make Way for Noddy is Produced By Chorion and SD Productions and Distributed By Universal.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR. 

I WILL BE BACK IN THE NEW YEAR, HOPEFULLY I WILL SEE YOU ALL IN 2022!

AVENGERS CONFIDENTIAL-BLACK WIDOW/PUNISHER

 So is this a film or PS1 Video Game?

Why does Iron-Man look more emotive than Thor, Why does Hulk look like he's reacting like he nicked himself shaving? And why is Black Widow waist smaller than her head? What is this Cover?

Well I can tell you what this cover is.

False Advertising!

As this film is not 3D, But a 2D Anime.

We open in Seattle, In One of Many Safehouses of the Vigilante Frank Castle, Aka the Punisher watching A News Report on a Mass Shooting, At the same It's Been Monitored By Black Widow.

After a sped through Opening Sequence, We Open With Solid Frank in level one of Metal Gear Punisher! Told you it was a Video Game! Complete with Gratuitous Violence and Loud Screeching Guitar Music! 

Punisher has Shook down an Arms Dealer called Kane, Much to the Annoyance of SHIELD, Who were tracing him whoever was supplying him Weapons.

Black Widow Confronts Castle, But he Blows her off, and tries to Leave But a wind blows behind him and Widow is in front of Punisher again.

For the Record, Black Widow does Not have teleportation Powers, So this was either Artistic Licence to show how fast she is, Or It's the Trademark Bullshit of the executive Producer, Joe "One More Day" Quesada.

So the Mercenaries fight, Until Fury arrests Punisher. Castle Badmouths Fury, until Widow Shoots him with Tranquilizers. In the Commotion, Kane has Gotten Away.

When Frank comes to Nick tells Castle so stay out of Shield's Business. Castle tells Fury that Shields by the book lawfulness Doesn't cut it on Street level. Fury tells Castle who he just pissed off. LEVIATHAN (The Splinter Cell of Hydra)

There is a Mole in Shield, Leviathan has stolen Schematics of the Wakefield Lazer Rifle, A gun with a core that shoots Plasma, Not Light. They have Manufactured them and Kane has sold them on Street level. Fury wants to know where Kane is getting the weapons, So Punisher says he will Tell Fury all he knows about Kane, for his freedom. But since We are making offers, Fury Counter offers his freedom, but Black Widow keeps an eye on him.

We Cut to Skovena, a former Commie Block, Where Black widow gives us an info dump on Leviathan.

They Stumbled to a lab which was used to make Biological weapons, that was officially closed 20 years ago after an accident. But here it is, seeing use. Sneaking inside, they find Kane and 1000s of Canisters Containing Humanoid Bodies! Punisher wants to settle it with Kane, So Castle and Widow have another fight

Or Should I say, THE EXACT SAME FIGHT? Since they refused Scenes from the first fight! I GET IT! Animation costs Money and reusing Scenes is a necessary evil, But thing is not a cheaply made cartoon! this is Not one of Corus' Unfunny Fart Jokes, This is a Film by Marvel Co produced by Sony. 

WHERE YO MICKEY MOUSE AND MINIONS MONEY AT, BITCHES?

Capturing Kane, Punisher demands answers. Until Kane Blinds him with his Light Mode Phone screen. When Punisher comes too, he only finds the phone.

Black Widow Infiltrates the lab further, Until she is Attacked by a man clad in Red Armour. She finds out that it's Elias Starr, Her former Lover, assumed dead. So he was the Traitor. So turns out He's Taken Leviathan's offer so he can be a SuperSoldier level Human like Natasha, Who is shocked on why he thought doing all this would impress her?

So Because Eli-ASS here has been told not to wait up at night too many times, He's Joined the Comunazis, thinking Widow will buy his excuse of "I Have Superpowers too!.....

But since Natasha is good at her job, She uses Elias to get an audience with Orion, the leader of Leviathan. Elias tells Widow that the Canisters contain Volunteered Spies and Soldiers from all over and the liquid is  his own Concoction of  Super Serum. But Too angry with him, she Knees him in the Junk. So Elias and widow have their recycled Fight Scene. Elias maybe a pussy, but he is Tough!

Shield's On Field Equipment is not powerful enough to trace Kane's Phone. Luckily, SHIELD has something in it's Istanbul HQ that can help.

More like Someone.

Amadeus Cho, Boy Genius and Tech Guy of the New Warriors, aka the Junior Avengers. At this Point he's Still Human, not sure if he's the Iron Spider.

 

But Nowadays he's Now The Kid-Hulk.

Trivia aside, Amadeus can decode Kane's Phone, But all it does is cause a countdown and the White Flash of Light, Turns out the Flash is a Mind Control Program, But they all took it head on and only Castle was Affected. Looks like The flash cannot work on Modified Humans like Widow, Or Geniuses like Cho. In other words, Man-With-A-Gun-Man starts whaling on everyone, Killing 3 men in the process.

Cho doesn't know how to Deactivate the Phone so he just Jettisons it. When the timer reaches 0, Castle Snaps out of it. Shocked, Castle allows himself to be Arrested. Widow Briefs Fury, Who knew about the Brainwashing. Which Is why he Put Widow and Castle together for this mission, Fury couldn't allow the More Powerful Avengers like a Thor or Hulk to be compromised, so if they were mindcontrolled, they would be easier to kill. Fury does have a valid Point, Since It seems to only effect Normal People. If Kane were to use it on the General Population, he could amass an army. Fury also reveals that Elias Star also stole the Hulk's Blood sample to make the Bio-Soldiers!

Punisher is broken out of Prison by Black Widow to speak to an informant in Hong Kong, he tells him that Leviathan is running an Auction In Mandipor, Tonight. On a tv screen, A single Bio-Soldier, Destroys Dubai.

In Mandipor, Many Supervillians (The Manticore, Doctor Doom, Avatar, Dracula and Baron Zemo) have an interest in a Army of Bio-Soldiers. The two arrive to stop the auction with Punisher killing the Bio-Soldiers. But Natasha says not to, they are innocent Men who were experimented on. No, we are told that they are Spies who volunteered to be experimented on , so they may have blood on their hands also. Luckily the Hulk and Cho arrive and Give Castle a Visor that coats the eyes in Nanotechnology.

Hulk and Punisher deal with the Biosoldiers while Widow has unfinished with Eli-ASS! Elias with all the Nice Guy, Smol PP Energy is the world is now match for a Woman Scorned. So Elias Gets the Evil Bitch-slapped out of him!

Let's Finish this!

The other Avengers arrive and beat up Doom, Manticore and Avatar like a bunch of No-names. (Seriously Doom is the most famous of the 3 and he's given no lines!) Elias and widow Confront Orion a Putz in a Knock-off Iron man Suit, So Naturally he gets Stomped, Being Stupid enough to mentally bond The Bio-Soldiers to his will, When he's Knocked out the Bio-Soldiers DIE! When Orion comes to. he blast Natasha with a laser, which Elias takes instead In a Heroic Sacrifice. Punisher kills Orion as Elias Bleeds out and Apologizes to Widow. Fury is pissed that Orion was to be taken alive so he arrests Punisher. But Widow Frees him....with ARMED SHIELD AGENTS IN EARSHOT! And so our story ends with Castle finding Kane and Shooting him dead!

THIS FILM IS....OKAY!

The artstyle is a jarring mix of Uncanny Anime and Liefieldesque Thick Black Lines, The action feels like a videogame Cutscene or An AMV, scenes are reused despite now being owned By the Evil Empire, Orion is a disappointing Villain to build up to. The only thing that's carrying this film is the voice acting.

CREDITS

Marvel Avengers Confidential was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli)

With Media from

Marvel Avengers Confidential

Steel and steam Productions on Youtube

Marvel

Jontron

Marvel Avengers Confidential: Black Widow/Punisher is Distributed by Marvel Studios and Sony

The Avengers Is Property of Marvel Comics

All rights reserved. All Media Used Belong to their respective owners.

Meanwhile in Solar System.....

a Galactic G-Men Crusier Sped out of a wormhole. Eamonn woke from Cryosleep to look at the Blue Planet.

"Computer, Set a Course to the Alpine Temperature Land mass the Locals Name Ireland...Oh, and keep this trip on the downlow!"

I'm Coming home....For Christmas!  

NEXT MONTH....

IN THE YEAR ENID BLYTON GOT CANCELLED SIXTY PLUS YEARS AFTER HER DEATH, I UNVEIL A CRACK REVIEW OF A RANDOM NODDY DVD!

"GOD GOOD I HAVE A BUSY MONTH!"

Halloween Special 2021: The Jurassic Games

 HOOBOY, DO WE HAVE A STINKER ON HER LAPS, LADIES AND GENTS! 

High Octane Studios (Answers on a postcard!) Could not decide to rip off Jurassic Park, the Hunger games, Ready player one, or The Running Man. So they just stuck it all in a pot and served all we got!

But what have we got?

Well Let's Dig into This year's Halloween Special and the Worst Horror Channel has for us this year, This is The Jurassic Games (Reviewed from a tv airing, so no review of the boxart!)

After a Quote From George Carlin to make this film sound DEEP!, It's the Not-So Distant Future, and Society has devolved that the Justice system is treated like a reality show. Every year 10 Murderers are "Invited" to win their freedom, By competing for Survival, Hooked up to a Virtual Prehistoric World for the entertainment of Millions watching. They will have a virtual world experience that will progressively  become harder, causing the chance of death high! While in Reality, theIR body will die of Lethal Injection

...OR SOME SHIT!

Anthony Tucker is one such unfortunate "Contestant", Despite Pleading his Innocence in the Murder of his wife, he was found guilty, he jumps at the chance of being acquitted.

So the gameshow Host (In a sabretooth tiger mask, for some reason.) Exposists the rules to the wired murderers when they wake on an island, Round 1 is get to the safe zone. Each Convict has a collar around their necks. that will explode if they don't play fair or get timed out or last place. when they beep it gives the machine they are hooked to the signal to inject the toxins into the body! The First Round Starts now as a T-Rex comes out of the tree line to eat the most elderly Contestant!

As a family Watches from a Viewing Party (complete with Dinosaur Cookies and Gingerbread Prisoners!) The token Black guy and a small White trash man fight, with the Neo-Nazi biting the black man. The Host in the real World Tells us the Games is in four Stages, The first being chased by a t-rex, the second is a maze full of raptors, the 3rd is a minefield with Pterodactyls flying over Them, and a Mystery Finale, which is definitely not a one-on-one fight to the death. 

PPFFT! I MEAN IT'S NOT LIKE THIS ENTIRE FILM IS MADE OF CLICHES AND STOLEN IDE-OH!

Back in the game, Black Guy finds a female Inmate and plans to rape her, But Tucker arrives and after a fight concusses him with a rock. But the Girl takes the Same rock and finishes him off. Ok, so they are establishing that Tucker won't kill because he may not be a murderer in the first place, But that doesn't work in the context of this situation being a race to a safe zone. If he knocked out Black Guy long enough to him to lose, if he arrived last, HE WILL DIE ANYWAY! from the real world lethal Injection. But no go ahead with your weak world-Building!

In the Real World, Protests are Literally Muted by twitter feeds and Tucker's Children are interviewed, But they Don't believe their father killed their mother. After the interview the Reporter feel like Tucker is innocent....oH wELL, iTZ gUD fER rATINGZ HURRDURR! Tucker is attacked by the girl she just save as he gets choked not by a rope on the ground, But a Prehistoric Virtual Conveniently Placed Rope on the ground! She Taunts him about the murder. She kicks him hangs him off a tree. In a video Package, the girl, Sarah, suffers from Multiple Personality Disorder including the Murderous Persona, JOY!

Anthony is saved by Ren, the Token Asian Guy. The Reporter is doubting the Validity of the show. The Neo Nazi and a non-Descript White Guy, (turns out they are brothers with a Of Mice and Men Dynamic: a short, volatile, Mouthpiece who controls the Larger, stronger, Impaired Brother.) Surround the only Latino guy, "The Wasp". He promises that his cartel (Because of Course, the Latino guy is in a cartel) will pay to cure DERE MOMMA'S Cancer. The raptors attack the 3, but the host turns down the Wifi, making them Holograms in move to Make false tension for the people watching!

The 2 Dirty White Boys team with the wasp, of course if the Wasp wins outright they will die. But that MOMMA! Gets the Chemo, it''ll be worth it "DO IT FER MOMMA, LIL' BROTHER!" (No really, the Mason brothers get no first names, they are really credited as "Big Brother and Little Brother) However, for a jumped up Racist who bites Minorities, the Small one realizes that if he's so connected, how the fuck Did the wasp get caught in the first place.

However The host callously tells the viewers that Ma Mason is already dead! and uses it as a feed line to Announce stage 2 the maze.

8 contestants enter the safe Zone. When Tucker sees Sarah, he charges to attack and the Producer presses a button on the console to knock all 8 out!

Leading to a Action figure ad that reveals the names of the other contestants. The other Man is Albert who is allegedly a cannibal, and the dumpy sour faced woman with the Saoirse Ronan haircut is Stephanie.

When they come to, they are in a circular room, each with one arm chained to a railing! The host explains that the game is for a spot prize: A GUN! Each contestant must finish a touch screen maze, to remove the chain's robotic locks. Albert, wins the gun and shoots its off, smashing Ren's Screen. Tucker is freed next and disarms the gun from Albert. Turns out there is a Physical maze to escape in the next room as the raptors materialized in the Room. with no way of finishing the maze, Ren snaps of his chain to fend off the Dinosaurs with Martial arts because of course, All Asians Know Martial Arts! bit it's all in vain. Ren gets Eaten and 8 becomes 7.

Crawling Out of a Grate, Albert Attacks Tucker for the Gun he won. But there is no Ammo Left. Because Stephanie exited the Physical Maze First, (And because she has had no character Development yet!) She is Given a map to Supplies by the Host. Albert tries to attack her, But the Mason's get the map before he does. You Know what? For A gameshow where all the contestants are murderers, Stephanie seems like she can't handle a punch. Given as we are told the Dumpy plain girl is supposed to be a Black Widow style killer in video package, though Reporter calls Bullshit on it. The Producer is giving an interview to defend her show: BLAH BLAH BLAH...WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY!, But the seeds of doubt have already being planted in the Reporter.

In the Game, The Wasp is killed by acid from a Pitcher Plant. In his dying breath he tells The Masons he was never going to save DERE MOMMA! Big Brother finishes him off then quits.

Stage 3: Retrieve either a knife or Ammo from a minefield that has Pterodactyls circling like buzzards. because Big brother quit his Head A Splode! The Pterodactyl Picks up Little Brother and Drops him on a mine that too explodes.

Making it through, Tucker tells Sarah/Joy He was set up by the killer. They hear a scream and it's Stephanie who just got Shanked by Albert. Tucker gets stabbed to and his Gun his taken by Albert. steeling the clip they retrieved from the last round. Albert and Tucker fight over the cliff, losing the gun. Retrieving it, Albert is killed by a swarm of Flesh eating Beetles!

Because we haven't figured out everyone in the studio is massive Scumbag, an actress gets a raise by crying that "Her Husband's Killer" Just got killed.

Sarah Stalks Stephanie and Tucker who are bleeding heavily, Who are in turn stalked by a Sabretooth, Sarah kills Not-Saoirse Ronan by kicking her into the Pit where the Sabretooth was. the Final 2 are Sarah/Joy and Tucker. 

The final round is of course a fight to the death in a desert. In said there is 2 keys for each lock To the length of chain that binds them together! In the Real World The Reporter Kills the Producer when she finds out the Reporter sent a message to "THE CAVEMEN" The resistance group against the Jurassic Games. Back in Virtual Reality. Sarah's Stupid Ass, Just CONFESSED ON LIVE, NATIONAL TELEVISION THAT SHE KILLED TUCKER'S WIFE! But everyone is too busy talking about him and not her! 

IT'S A CLOUT CHASER ALLEGORY!

To add to the ratings, A T-rex is added. Because the Host wants more ratings he adds more t-rexs. but there programming kicks in and they fight over territory.

SO LET'S FINISH THIS!

In a Dead heat, Tucker wins and Sarah's head explodes, the Host is forced in the game and is eaten by a T-Rex. Tucker comes to, but in the midst of a gun fight everyone dies but Tucker only suffers a flesh wound. It's a year later and Tucker is home with his family....watching the press release for the NEW JURASSIC GAMES! As the Dinosaurs now have Frickin' Laser Beams!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-O9rAwVOu0

THIS FILM SUCKS!

....But come on! it's not Shakespeare! The actors are nobodies, the Plot is contrived, the CGI looks it came from a failed Film student!

Completely par the course for Horror Channel!

CREDITS

The Jurassic Games was reviewed, compiled, and edited by Eamonn Bermingham (FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @REALENLI)

With Media from

Ironic by Alanis Morrisette

MST3K

The Jurassic Games was Produced by High Octane Productions (YEAH ME NEITHER!) All rights reserved, all media used belong to their respective owners!

NEXT MONTH!

BLACK WIDOW'S FIRST FILM.....A FORGOTTEN MADE FOR DVD CARTOON! AVENGERS ANIMATED IS NEXT!

Eamonn Reviews Fighting With My Family part 2

 In the End, Paige (Florence Pugh)  is the only one to will go to Florida To Train. Paige Confronts Shane (Vince Vaughn) about not picking Zack (Jack Lowden). Zack tells his sister to do it for herself and not the family. Paige concedes, but she's not happy with it!

The Family are both shocked and delighted that Paige is going, So she goes to her room to pack. Here we have Glaring Inaccuracy number 3. this time the wrong female belt is used. Paige picks up a homemade childhood version of the Defunct Diva's Title and when Paige was a child the belt was the now reinstated Women's title! They could have given us 1 minute of dialogue to explain that, but no!

Ricky (Nick Frost) and Jools (Lena Headley) say their goodbyes at Luton Airport, But not Zack, he couldn't bring himself to say goodbye. And soon the Pylons of Norwich, "the Mustard Capital of the world" is replaced by The Palm trees of Tampa Florida, "The Sunshine State" She enters the shared flat and meets her room-mates, 3 Bikini Clad Bimbos, all using Original names, including one called Jeri Lynn as a joke to the Indie Veteran. He even tweeted about. It's because they don't want the three real life Women, (and wrestling fans have a fair idea who they might be!) to sue over being portrayed as the check-chasing Cum Dumpsters that they were.

1st Day of Training and Paige is impressed by the Gym, This is not the Rinky Dink Promotion her dad owns. Shane returns as a Coach. Paige is pushed to her Limit, while in England, Courtney gives birth to Zack's Child, who is happy, but he worries about the Future!

The Next day, And it's Promo Training and Shane tells Paige her Stolen Promos from 20 years ago, will not fly with American Fans who heard it before! She needs a catchphrase that no-one has heard before! 

*SPOILERS* (BUT NOT REALLY!) But i wont tell Paige to put a patent on the Phrase "THIS IS MY HOUSE!" JUST SAYIN'

Meanwhile, Zack is taking Hardcore Matches to make ends meet, after one nasty match with him being slammed into thumbtacks, He Calls Shane to Asking for a Second Chance, Shane Coldly tells him to let go and work on being a father when Zack Brings up his child.

Paige is In Training with the stand-in character for whoever was stupid enough in real life to throw a real punch and got hit with a real punch from Paige a second time she did it. Because A person who doesn't know what they are doing in wrestling is Dangerous.

As Opposed to Sasha Banks, Who Did know What she was Doing!

When Krysten Botches again, Paige slaps her as a "Receipt", Or Revenge. This Brings in Shane who tells Paige to Apologize, Even Getting Angry with Paige.

That Night's Video Call to her Family, It's Revealed Zack's Son is called Calen. Saraya Tells Paige not to Worry about the other Girls. They are Just Bikini Models who were just hired to be Tits and Ass! Ricky tells Paige In earshot of Zack, That They'd hire any Idiot. I would say Ricky Bevis would not win Father of the Year, but then again the Real Ricky Bevis thinks Child Labour Laws are Child Labour....SUGGESTIONS !

Just as I say that, it's revealed the Wrestling class is now a Sweatshop for Paige Dolls!

Though she's Worried about Getting to the" Main Roster"-i.e, the Televised Shows. If Paige fails now it would be like she never existed. But her family are proud of her, now matter what!

A House Show In Florida and Jeri, Madison and Kirsten are introduced to a lecherous crowd of Teenage Boys and Men. When Paige comes out in an AC/DC t-shirt and Shorts the Crowd go silent. All the Body Issues and Heckles get to her, and she chokes. She leaves the Arena alone, passing the bimbos giving out autographs to the fans. On Both Sides of the Pond, The Bevis Children are Suffering. Paige Dyes her hair Blonde out of an Identity Crisis and Gets rid of her Goth Makeup and Piercing. Zack Takes to the Drink even More and Ignores Calen's Cries. Shane hates the Change Paige makes and it has affected her way she works, failing in a simple training exercise.

On the Bus Journey Home, Paige assumes the 3 Bimbos behind her are laughing at her behind her back. Kirsten Reveals she was showing the others pictures of her daughter. Paige is shocked that Kirsten even has a child. But Of Course Paige wouldn't know, she doesn't know anything about anyone else, after all, Kirsten, and the others are just "TITS AND ASS!" Quoting Paige's Mother!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCjNlmyMgEI

Stopping at a Gas Station, Shane Explains why Zack Didn't get picked. He's a Journeyman, he's picked up to many bad habits from working in the Indies. And it has made Zack take the Hardcore matches to please the fans back home and one day it's gonna lead to him "Jumping off a 30ft cage just so people can talk about him!"

OH, YOU MEAN LIKE EVERY SHANE MCMAHON MATCH, EVER?

.....At least Film Shane Brings up that's exactly the case, the Problem is that a problem that many films have had Before. "Show, DON'T Tell" and the thing is in the 2 Montages of wwe clips, i don't remember if they included any clips of Shane!

It's Close to Christmas and everyone is heading home for the Holidays. Shane tells her to mull over her life during Christmas.

Back Home in Norwich and Ricky and Saraya Put Paige in a match against Zack. Backstage Zack is told by Paige she wants to Quit, which makes Zack Very Angry. Angry enough not to stick to the Script. the Jealousy comes out in a rotten Way, not only by Winning the match but by winning using a Piledriver, a move that is banned in Indie Promotions like Ricky's for Concussion Issues. When the Other Family members call out Zack, He tells them what he was told, that Paige wants to quit, she wants to let the family down, more than he ever could! Paige Clarifies by saying she wants to quit wrestling outright, that she has no Identity beyond wrestling. Hell She was doomed at the start: her Birthname is her mother's Ringname!

Paige is Moping in her Childhood room, when Saraya comes in to tell her that Zack is Missing. In the Van, Saraya berates Ricky for pushing his children too far, Roy's in Prison, Zack thinks he's failure and Paige is Miserable! They Find Zack in a bar picking fights, as a jukebox plays Cliff Richard's Mistletoe and wine, a song about Goodwill and Human Kindness.

Zack Confronts Paige throwing away his dream. Paige tells Zack why he wasn't picked. So Zack won't be WWE champion. But look at the things he has. He has A wife and baby who loves him, a school of students who hang on every word. He's teaching a blind boy how to wrestle, how many World Champions would be capable of that? She Finishes by saying that she was always reluctant to follow in the family's footsteps, but this was HER dream too!

With a lot to contemplate, Paige return decides to Return to Florida, Striking a Happy Medium, Her Black hair and Gothic look with Ring Gear that shows off her Midriff. It's also a change in attitude, as she goes from Class-Know-It-All to Locker Room Leader, Helping out the Other Girls. Soon they are having Competitive matches. and Soon 8 trainees become 6 and they will be having a Dark Match, or Untelevised Match at Wrestlemania 30, (Which the next night, The Real Paige did Debut on the raw tv show after That event, so they got that one right at least!)

Meanwhile, Roy Knight from his stint in prison. During the show, and after the match Paige had, She meets the Rock again and they call Paige's Parents. At first Ricky thinks it's a prank call, and hangs up! Paige redials and the Rock tells the Knight family some big news. Paige's time in NXT is over....Because tomorrow night on Raw, On worldwide Television, Paige is not only making her debut but facing the Diva's Champion AJ Lee for her title.

WHY IS THE ROCK TELLING THEM THIS AND NOT SHANE?

The Rock is, and also at the time in 2009, a part-timer and even then, had no sway in hiring people or Booking matches in any way!

So Paige will Face the Longest Reigning Diva's Champion at the time, Aj Lee (WHO IS NO LONGER THE LONGEST CHAMPION EVER, IT'S NOW JOHN CENA'S FORMER CUMDUMP, NIKKI BELLA!) AJ Lee like her Husband, CM Punk, are now considered firebrands by wwe management, (April "AJ LEE" Mendez-Brooks would release a autobiography after her retirement "Crazy is my SuperPower" Claiming Everything from systemic Bullying and Trying to Make her Real -Life Manic Depression into a Gimmick), so naturally they had to get a stand in, Played by Current wwe Wrestler Zelina Vega...Dressed as Zelina Vega. This is what Zelina Looks like in her ring gear.

Not Pictured: Traditional Knee Caps and Wrestling Boots, which most wrestlers wear as standard!

This what AJ LEE LOOKED LIKE AT THE TIME!

Seriously, they couldn't find Zelina a Grateful Dead T-Shirt, Jean Shorts and Black Tennis Shoes to wear? The Only thing they got Right, was the Hair Colour and Skin Tone!

So Meanwhile, in England Zack is keeping Roy on the Straight and Narrow, and both feel Proud when Callum, the Blind Boy, Does a Moonsault (A Backflip off the toprope onto a prone person!) This ragtag Promotion may make it after all...That is until the next time Ricky Knight has summons for Breaking Child Labour Laws!

And So Our Ends with With Paige having a Panic Attack before her Debut. Until Zack Rings her to wish her luck. Aj Lee make an Open Challenge and...YOU KNOW THE REST!

Ok, for those who Don't Paige beats AJ Lee, breaking her 300+ day reign as champion. Becoming the youngest champion in wwe ever, Using what was Zack's finisher, now forever known as the Paige Turner!

THIS FILM IS OKAY!

First, Kudos To Florence Pugh for actually Getting in Shape to do close up wrestling shots though she did have a stunt Double. The Jokes are funny, the Story Touching and Grounded despite the Niche Circle that is Wrestling and you are rooting for the Underdog from Minute one.

Unfortunately, if you do watch Wrestling, the Inaccuracies will just Piss you Off! and the Layer of Sacchirine and Rose-Tinted Glasses about Paige's Childhood and her Scummy Parents are reaching Levels Not seen since the Film, The General! They are Trying to Portray Ricky Bevis, Just like They Did with Martin Cahill in the General, as Family Men, trying to provide for their families.

With This Being said, this was Florence Pugh's Starmaker Film, Her next film Role was The remake of Little Women, which always makes a Tidy Sum. Not a Bad First Outing as a producer By Dwayne Johnson, But Just like his Show, Young Rock, Johnson doesn't Let something like the Truth get in the way of a good story!

CREDITS 

Fighting With my Family was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited By Eamonn Bermingham (RealEnli)

With Media From In Part 1:

Bleacher Report

E!

Fighting With My Family

Superman Returns

WWE

AND IN PART 2

WWE

Dragonball Z Abridged

Bad Movie Beatdown.

Fighting with My Family was Co-Produced by Film4 And WWE Studios and Distrubuted by Lionsgate and MGM. All rights Reserved. All Media used belongs to their Respective Owners.

NEXT TIME!

IT'S THE HALLOWEEN SPECIAL AND OUR OLD PALS AT HORROR CHANNEL COULDN'T DECIDE TO RIP-OFF JURASSIC WORLD, THE HUNGER GAMES OR READY PLAYER ONE!

SO THEY RIPPED OFF ALL 3 AT ONCE!

NEXT MONTH THE HALLOWEEN SPECIAL IS THE JURASSIC GAMES!

EAMONN REVIEWS FIGHTING WITH MY FAMILY, THE FEEL GOOD STORY ABOUT THE WOMAN WHO F##KED HER LIFE UP STRAIGHT AFTER IT'S RELEASE!

 (PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE)

Eamonn has left Earth to join the Galactic G-men. A police made of Being from other realities and Planets, in actual fact it is a League Of Heroes. Using their Exploits to won the Hearts and Minds of Millions of Sapient Worlds. When we Last Left off. Eamonn was on a Desert Planet. Hunting a Gorgon and inadvertently woke the She-beast. 

Hiding behind a hoodoo, letting off a girlish scream, Eamonn turned to fire a few shots from his laser pistol. He just hits air. He reaches his Comm-Link by Pressing button on his visor.

This is Lt. Bermingham of Earth, I have lost Visual on Gorgon. Requesting Pickup.

"REQUEST DENIED! PROCEED AS INSTRUCTED! "

...Shit....

Around Eamonn all he heard were Hissing and Mocking Laughter. He turned to see The Gorgon. Using it's tail like a chair it posed like it was waiting for Eamonn to finish his call. she then waved like a friendly Girl. It was supposed to be disarming. But the tress of Snaked Headed Hair coiling making jabs at Eamonn with their Fangs, was Disarming Enough.

hi there Terran....Aren't You Lost? she asked seductively, a blue Substance pooling behind  her lips.

"ERR...I supposes any attempt on Conversation or Confrontation will Not end well?"

"MMMMM.......Very Clever for A Human...It's so long I had to work for a meal" she said as she tackled Eamonn to the Ground. Getting closer to the Prone Human she inhaled his scent. and then got up in terror. Her snakes in confused Disarray."

"You...REEK OF AN APEX PREDATOR...." Her attitude changed when he opened to the Cognitive Void.

"NOOOOO! I WILL NOT GO BACK I WILL NOT BE HUNTED, PLEASE YOUR APEX IS A LIAR! SEEK OUT THE OTHERS! FIND THE PATTERN BEFORE IT DOOMS YOUR PLANET!

(The Portal sucked her back into the Void, causing a heavy breeze that took to Eamonn's Poncho.

"And what the hell was that all about?"

AND NOW, OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!

This Month Both of My World's Combine Once more as I review A film about Wrestling, Produced by, and Featuring, Dwayne Johnson, A former Wrestler in the story of a another Former Wrestler.

Saraya-Jade Bevis, Professionally known as Paige, was WWE's First British Women's champion, as well as the 1st champion to be born in the 90S. She is a second generation wrestler and this is the feel good story to that point in time that she won the belt from AJ Lee for her first reign!

...Then in the Year this film was released, Paige career was ended after taking an unprotected drop kick to the back of her head, her sex-tape was released, she was fired from her cushy on-screen general Manager role because of it, and went on an abusive coke-fueled affair with former wrestler Alberto El Patron, and Now....

Our cover is a group shot of our 6 key Players. With Florence Pugh as Paige, Leaning against the  Ropes and turnbuckle, Oozing confidence, with the other 5 standing behind her. For those saying this could be Better if there was a crowd behind her, this is fine, this film is about her rise to stardom, not as her as a star. Also I like the Font used for the Title Logo. It reminds me of the old school wrestling and Boxing posters. One thing i don't like is the Director. It's the Unfunny Giant, Stephan Merchant. So will this film be filed under the Unfunny Films of Ricky Gervais and Stephan Merchant? Well,Let's ring the bell, Son!

5 seconds in and the Producer has a mandate! See we don't open with Paige. We open with Zack Bevis as a child watching the Rock and fawning over how great the Rock is.

First film he ever Produced is a wrestling Biopic not about himself, but he still managed to make it a vanity Project. Jesus Christ.

2 things they get wrong in this scene, Young Zack is holding a toy version of the current wwe belt, even though if this is supposed to be the late 90's, early 2000s. The wwf title was the "Eagle Wing" Belt. Two. A young Saraya comes in to change the Channel to watch Charmed, implying later on that Her ring Name comes from Rose McGowen's Character.

Paige, the name WWE gave her, Was because Originally the character was going to be a hacker who caused Distractions on the big Screen before she Debut and her name was going to be Paige Webb

GET IT? "WEBPAGE"? DO YOU GET IT? DO GET IT? HUH? HUH? DO YOU GET IT?

For Comedic effect, The Bevis/Knight Family are a family Of Wrestlers. In Real Life, Ricky Knight is thug who washes his hands with Child Labour Laws and has put all his children in the ring for profit before they could Shave, or in the case of Paige, Shave her Legs! Ricky even had a match over Legitimately Scamming Money from another Son and ended up in a bloody fight that put both of them on Tag!

So young Saraya has a match with Zack (whose in Drag as a pink Power Ranger) in a hall with 40 Drunk Randos, Flash forward 10 years and Saraya is now wrestling her mother, Saraya(SNR)

Yes I know it's confusing, but I'm not calling her Paige until her wwe Years. So Saraya-Jade/Britney/Paige (Florence Pugh) is taking hits from Saraya/Jools (Lena Headly), as Ricky (Nick Frost) tries to run in to help Saraya SNR, Until Zodiac Zack (Jack Lowden) comes out, it's all framed as Hokey, Rick even makes the Scooby Doo "Ruh-Roh" sound when Zack jumps through the Curtain and poses like a superhero.

Packing Up a Ring into a White Van, The Knight Family ring the office's of WWE to Inquire about the Audition Tapes Ricky sent of his children, to No Reply.

It's A Hard Struggle, this is a Wrestling scene in Middle Class Norwich. Which is like saying the Rap Scene in Mostly White Ireland. Just because it's 1% of the people represented, Doesn't mean it's not There!

Zack sees a Drug-dealer and chases him down, But Not out of Civic Duty, No, He's on the Payroll! He doesn't help his Character a scene ago either when he Picks up a Bunch of Children who they pay to set up the ring, in lieu of Payment for Wrestling lessons. Saraya, who's passing out programs is insulted by girls her age who foreshadow her brother "Who went Mental and was sent to jail"

While Ricky and A Black Big Daddy Rip-Off do really bad Slapstick, Paige convinces a Blind student to take part. In the Back Ricky finds out the Promotion is in the red. If they have more shows like the ones they had recently. Ricky will go back to Burglary. Jools says she won't let Ricky go back to Thieving....HE'S TOO FAT TO FIT INTO THE WINDOWS! HAVE ZACK DO IT INSTEAD!

And that would have being funny, if it weren't True.

Well, it looks like Zack won't be going through no window either, as a blond girl, Takes Zack to behind the building with Saraya to tell them something in a speechless scene. Saraya Hugging them both and the Girl holding her Belly and it's pretty obvious what was said! A scene cut to a Kitchen and a well dressed Zack tells Ricky that he wants to make a good impression with Courtney's Parents (The Dad being The Unfunny Giant!) So No Booze, no Swearing!

....Until Courtney's Mother makes the Cardinal Sin...Calling Wrestling "FAKE"! Zack Changes the Subject and Courtney's mother asks Ricky and Jools how they met. It's a story of Assault, Suicidal Thoughts, Gunrunning and Coke that landed Them both in 8 years of prison. To the mortification of Courtney's Parents. The phone goes off and Paige answers it. She recognizes the Number and puts it on speaker. WWE has Gotten the tapes and want to offer Zach and Britney jobs. Zack is gobsmacked and lost for words. Courtney seeing a future for her Baby, accepts on his behalf. The voice tells them to come to the smackdown taping in London's O2 stadium in November for tryouts, though Saraya needs a new name as they already have a Britney. Courtney's Mother doesn't even know what "WWE" is, though understandable if you only ever heard of it called WWF.

So Paige and Zak Explain what wwe and "Tryouts" are. WWF's brand of wrestling is "Sports Entertainment" and Like a Sport it's A fitness Evaluation and on the Entertainment side, It's an Auditon! This Brings up Saraya's and Zack's brother, Roy, who after failing his, took to Drink, and got into a fight where he put a man in coma throwing a lump of Tarmac at him! Funny if this wasn't a true story! Of course Courtney's Mother is still unsure on the family her daughter will marry into.

We cut to London's 02 stadium, where as part of the Biannual UK tour, Friday night smackdown is being filmed. Of course, Dwayne "The Producer" and his Big Johnson is here to put himself into a cameo, where Zack and Saraya ask for his advice and tells him to be aggressive and roasts them "Rock-Style" calling Paige Twillight and Zack "Harry Potter". But Rock had a point, his persona is nothing more than Dwayne Johnston, Magnified to the NTH Degree. The crowd knows who's real and who's not, even if you are playing a gimmick, Putting your heart into it also works. He's interrupted by a voice telling Rock that they need to change into their Gear. This voice belongs to Shane McMahon (Vince Vaughn)

Shane is the Son of Vince McMahon, the Chairman of WWE. Shane's Official title is not Well Defined, He's being head of Marketing, R and D, And if he happens to be in town, he leads the Tryouts. He also wrestles from Time to Time

....LEADING TO THAT ONE TIME IN THE SAUDI PROPAGANDA SHOW, WHERE HE INTERJECT HIS NAME IN AND WON THE TITLE OF BEST WRESTLER IN THE WORLD. 

A Remarkable Feat for someone who sweats bullets just by doing the Ali Shuffle!

In a speech to all the Contenders. Shane tells them you want need one more thing than talent. You need the ambition to be famous. If you see yourself as the wwe champion. as an Action figure, you belong in WWE.

The Newly Christened Paige, comes of as timid, but she still has a mouth on her to call Col. McSweatyBollox (hi Cultaholic!) a Tosser!

Now it's time for the Tryout, AS There is 10 wrestlers, They are put in a mock 5 on 5 tag match. And as the only women, Paige has to try harder. Shane is not Impressed by what her sees, until Paige sells for Zack, including taking Zack's finisher, the Zack Attack, a Foot Facelock Neckbreaker, with a Leg Catch.

That move will be known as another name, but that's a story for a fortnight's time! Join me in September when we will be finishing this review.

ONLY ON BOGGERBOXOFFICE!

EAMONN REVIEWS DORA THE EXPLORER LIVE ACTION PART 2

 PREVIOUSLY ON DORA LIVE ACTION!

YOU WANT A SYNOPSIS OF THIS? OKAY! DORA'S ADVENTURES WERE A CHILD'S MAKE BELIEVE STORIES. THEY TURNED DORA 17 TO HAVE HER FILM TURNED INTO A FISH OUT OF WATER HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA. WE ALSO HAVE SOCIAL COMMENTARY THAT A GIRL WITH SURVIVAL PARAPHERNALIA WOULD FAIL A SECURITY SCANNER IN A LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL IN THE REIGN OF THE LAST PRESIDENT, THE FAKE-TAN FASCIST! There's also a plot about Dora's Parents looking for a Lost city of Gold who's name sounds like the McDonald's Jingle!

We Continue After The Security Search scene. where despite Dora making everyone late, there are still 2 Students not heading to class. A Prissy Middle Class Know-it-all and a Bullied Gamer Nerd. Sammi and Randy Respectively! Diego tells them not to get involved with either. Especially With Randy attacked. Not only is Diego The whitest Boy in all of Chill-Lay, but he is also Yellow!

Beacause this film has dissolved into High School Cliqu, Bullshit! The Being Smart Equals Being Hated, Trope Is in Full effect! And as the Token Asian, Sammie feels threatened by Dora's intelligence, Not that the Sheltered Girl actually gets it!

So we have a Montage of Dora's first week at A school Including THAT! scene with the Bus!

"WHITE BUSDRIVER KIDNAPS LATINO FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT, KEEPS JOB! NEWS AT 11!"

And reacting to mundane things like Mac N Cheese like it's the most amazing thing ever! All the time being Followed by a Black Car! 

Cut to A Winter's dance were the theme is Stars! And Dora is dressed as an actual Star. She does animal inspired Dance and everyone laughs at her. God where's Carrie's Mother and a Bucket of Goat's Blood when you need them the most?

Diego tells her she's an Embarrassment to him! And she takes it to heart!

The next day it's a High School Scavenger hunt and Dora, Diego, Sammie and Randy are forced into a group. We also have to set up what happens next ,with a teacher leaving his Charges by exclaiming "i hate my Job!"

So off course! Dora get's kidnapped and bundled into a crate! Who are these motherfuckers? ICE?

...The same Crate Loads #1, 2 and 3 were hiding in. They throw gas into the Crate. and when they come to, they are in the cargo bay of a plane that has landed in Peru! Kidnapped by 3 mercenaries, Not Ben Kingsley, Not-Gal Gadot, Not-Terry Crews who seems to the handler for Swiper (WHO IS REAL AFTERALL?)

When Dora and Friends come to, someone is coming to open the crate. Dora gets something out of her Backpack.....And Pulls OUT A MACHETE!

"HOLA CHILDREN! CAN YOU SAY "SEVERED ARTERIES"?

They are actually rescued by a friend of her family. (He's a Mexican Comedian, I Don't remember his name!") Randy and Sammie are only here to cry, complain and make 1st world problems "Jokes", so their Character Development is dead!

So Swiper (Danny Trejo of all people!) Steals the map in some Loony Tunes, Back In Action, Physical Effects Bullshit (You Can see the Wires if you slowed it down to a crawl!) Dora tries the mantra to stop him from stealing,  But still Manages to steal the map.

Dora's Rescuer is Professor Alejandro Honduras. (Just Alejandro or The professor to save my Typing hands!)  A Lingustics Professor and Collegue of Dora's Parents. He Got worried when they Didn't return his calls, and fearing the worst he got Kidnapped to by the mercenaries and escaped. Dora is being kidnapped because she too has the knowledge of Para Pata. They find the family's Car and continue to the camp they made amid, Shrunken Heads and Totems erected by the Lost Guardian tribe of Para Pata! The Professor is a coward and so is as useless, as Sammie and Randy!

Half a day has Past and they find Dora's Family Camp, Ransacked. Feeling Watched they prepare for an Ambush, Only to meet Boots (Of course, Dora would Know this Monkey" ACTUAL QUOTE!)

After a song about a Potty Emergency, (Cute if it song by a child, SUS IF IT'S SONG BY A 17 YEAR OLD!) The Group attacked by A rain of arrows. Running for Shelter in a Hollow log, an Errant Arrow Pushes the Log down a hill. Crawling out, Dora inspects the Arrow and see's the Symbol that was on the Totems. The Lost Guardians are also after the Heroes!

Diego Comforts his cousin and Along the way, remembers that he's an animal tracking expert when he spies fresh footprints: FOX FOOTPRINTS!

They Spy on the Mercs, Heading Down the River. Except Dora, Snatching The Professor's Notebook says they are going Up-River. Para Pata is near an  Opera House, that is now Abandoned and Reclaimed by Mother Nature. And Props to well, The Props Department, But this Ruin looks the business.

THEN I RETRACT MY PRAISE!

As they into Quicksand, the Liquid Ground makes a fart sound and they make a fart joke before realizing what danger they are really in!. The professor is now neck deep in Quicksand and 2 scorpions are on his head, except they are not exactly fighting if you know what i mean! (Dora: the Male is grabbing the female from Behind, i never seen them attack like that before!" ACTUAL FUCKING QUOTE!" With Professor's body a human Sandcastle and his head used as a scorpion Club Med, they find his legs dangling under the stone stairs and pull him out, feet first, all the while claiming to be a fraud.

FORESHADOWING!

In a cave they Find A shaman, who tells the five the lost city is cursed, However she is willing to bring them back to Civilization. Diego Refuses, He Promised to keep His cousin Safe afterall, The 2 Useless Ones Wonder why she so eager to help, until they see her tattooed arm. she is a Lost Guardian, who tried to make them Human Shish Kebab Earlier so they run away to warn Dora and the others.

They already figured it out because the way is a field of Codyceps Lillies that spray their Pollen, thanks to the bumbling Prof. But instead of turning into Clickers. They instead get high and turn into the Cartoon for a shared Disillusion. Though she does re-imagine All her Imaginary Friends, she does Comprehend being Rescued by Sammie and Randy.

Continuing on, It's now Randy's time to prove his worth by saving the crew when they fall in to an Aqueduct and nearly drown. Let's forget the part about Randy Pulling the levers to release the water in the first place!

Sucked into an excuse to market this film as a waterslide, They Find Dora's Parent's and here's where we get our M SHITE SHITTYFILM Twist we saw coming.

THE PROFESSOR IS EVIL! AND NOT ONLY THAT THE LEADER OF THE MERCS!

Kidnapped again, Our heroes are forced to lead the the enemy to the Lost City. They find it over a cliff. the Golden City Glistening the Setting Sun! Boots Swings and unties the teenager's Wrists. Dora Ascosts her monkey for rescuing her, Knowing Alejandro will just kill Her parents. once he's done.

THAT'S WHEN BOOTS THE MONKEY GIVES HER A PEP-TALK!

i'm not kidding. B

Boots decides that right now, in the voice of Antonio Banderas to speak English to Dora. Poor Girl must be whiffing that pollen again! The others find Dora and figure out if they can find the Treasure first they could use it to barter for her Parents freedom. Solving a puzzle on Constellations, They enter Para pata to find Nothing at first. Til they find a puzzle, til they find a death trap and pass it with the Power of Friendship. Only for the Professor to reveal he was following them to pass the Traps.

And Now the Monkey Idol and the Treasures left as tribute is all his. Which is why Dora as left him to stand on the obviously welchy Bricks and she and are friends aren't. The Slabs fall to reveal a lava pit, with Alejandro Clinging onto life. The lost Guardians arrive with the Shaman who magically turns into a hot woman. Dora asks the Goddess to spare there lives, But only if Dora solves the Puzzle correctly. She instead offering gold to the idol. Fills his palms with Water. Reveal the Treasure to be....A giant CGI Monkey they only had 8 seconds of footage of. Swiper steals the small Monkey Idol causing Para Pata to collapse around them. Boots Attacks Swipper to free the statue and Dora runs into the dust storm to return it to it's rightful Place.

And so Diego confesses his love for Sammie. The teens are reunited with their parents, But Dora wants to return to America. which is meet with Hammy cries by Pena and Longoria. and of course Dora fits in, she has turned her geeky dance that was mocked to a THICKO-THOT Dance, so she is not REALLY POPULAR, HER PEERS ARE JUST SHEEP!

THIS FILM SUCKS!

WHO IS THIS FOR?

IT'S NOT FOR PRESCHOOLERS, IT'S NOT FOR THE CHILDREN WHO GREW UP WITH THIS AND HAVE NOSTALGIC FEELINGS FOR THIS!

The Premise is Ridiculous, the World Building, wafer thin. The CGI is Lifeless and Janky. Moner is giving it the College try in her first starring role, but it's a losing Battle between the cast of  Underactors and Overactors (Pena is becoming Hispanic Rob Schneider in my eyes. 2 films with him in it and both of them stank!)

WE WEREN'T EXPECTING AN OSCAR WINNER, BUT NOONE EXPECTED THIS TO BE RATED 87% ON ROTTENTOMATOES!

HAS THE WORLD GONE MAD?

CREDITS

Dora the Explorer and lost city of Gold was Reviewed Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham

with Media from.

In part 1

Dora the Explorer and lost City of Gold

Go Diego Go!

Linkara and Phelous review the Airzone Solution

Batman: Fortunate Son.

and in Part 2

Dora the Explorer and the lost city of Gold

Dora the Explorer and the Lost city of Gold was Distributed by Paramount. Dora the explorer is also Property of Nickelodeon. All rights reserved. All Media used belong to their Respective Owners.

NEXT MONTH ON BOGGERBOXOFFICE.

It's Rock "The Dwayne" Johnson's Directorial Debut on the feel Good wrestling Story...which haven't aged well in the 5 years after filming this! Find out why, NEXT MONTH WHEN FORMER WWE WRESTLER PAIGE RECANTS ABOUT FIGHTING WITH MY FAMILY!