HOOBOY, DO WE HAVE A STINKER ON HER LAPS, LADIES AND GENTS!
High Octane Studios (Answers on a postcard!) Could not decide to rip off Jurassic Park, the Hunger games, Ready player one, or The Running Man. So they just stuck it all in a pot and served all we got!
But what have we got?
Well Let's Dig into This year's Halloween Special and the Worst Horror Channel has for us this year, This is The Jurassic Games (Reviewed from a tv airing, so no review of the boxart!)
After a Quote From George Carlin to make this film sound DEEP!, It's the Not-So Distant Future, and Society has devolved that the Justice system is treated like a reality show. Every year 10 Murderers are "Invited" to win their freedom, By competing for Survival, Hooked up to a Virtual Prehistoric World for the entertainment of Millions watching. They will have a virtual world experience that will progressively become harder, causing the chance of death high! While in Reality, theIR body will die of Lethal Injection
...OR SOME SHIT!
Anthony Tucker is one such unfortunate "Contestant", Despite Pleading his Innocence in the Murder of his wife, he was found guilty, he jumps at the chance of being acquitted.
So the gameshow Host (In a sabretooth tiger mask, for some reason.) Exposists the rules to the wired murderers when they wake on an island, Round 1 is get to the safe zone. Each Convict has a collar around their necks. that will explode if they don't play fair or get timed out or last place. when they beep it gives the machine they are hooked to the signal to inject the toxins into the body! The First Round Starts now as a T-Rex comes out of the tree line to eat the most elderly Contestant!
As a family Watches from a Viewing Party (complete with Dinosaur Cookies and Gingerbread Prisoners!) The token Black guy and a small White trash man fight, with the Neo-Nazi biting the black man. The Host in the real World Tells us the Games is in four Stages, The first being chased by a t-rex, the second is a maze full of raptors, the 3rd is a minefield with Pterodactyls flying over Them, and a Mystery Finale, which is definitely not a one-on-one fight to the death.
PPFFT! I MEAN IT'S NOT LIKE THIS ENTIRE FILM IS MADE OF CLICHES AND STOLEN IDE-OH!
Back in the game, Black Guy finds a female Inmate and plans to rape her, But Tucker arrives and after a fight concusses him with a rock. But the Girl takes the Same rock and finishes him off. Ok, so they are establishing that Tucker won't kill because he may not be a murderer in the first place, But that doesn't work in the context of this situation being a race to a safe zone. If he knocked out Black Guy long enough to him to lose, if he arrived last, HE WILL DIE ANYWAY! from the real world lethal Injection. But no go ahead with your weak world-Building!
In the Real World, Protests are Literally Muted by twitter feeds and Tucker's Children are interviewed, But they Don't believe their father killed their mother. After the interview the Reporter feel like Tucker is innocent....oH wELL, iTZ gUD fER rATINGZ HURRDURR! Tucker is attacked by the girl she just save as he gets choked not by a rope on the ground, But a Prehistoric Virtual Conveniently Placed Rope on the ground! She Taunts him about the murder. She kicks him hangs him off a tree. In a video Package, the girl, Sarah, suffers from Multiple Personality Disorder including the Murderous Persona, JOY!
Anthony is saved by Ren, the Token Asian Guy. The Reporter is doubting the Validity of the show. The Neo Nazi and a non-Descript White Guy, (turns out they are brothers with a Of Mice and Men Dynamic: a short, volatile, Mouthpiece who controls the Larger, stronger, Impaired Brother.) Surround the only Latino guy, "The Wasp". He promises that his cartel (Because of Course, the Latino guy is in a cartel) will pay to cure DERE MOMMA'S Cancer. The raptors attack the 3, but the host turns down the Wifi, making them Holograms in move to Make false tension for the people watching!
The 2 Dirty White Boys team with the wasp, of course if the Wasp wins outright they will die. But that MOMMA! Gets the Chemo, it''ll be worth it "DO IT FER MOMMA, LIL' BROTHER!" (No really, the Mason brothers get no first names, they are really credited as "Big Brother and Little Brother) However, for a jumped up Racist who bites Minorities, the Small one realizes that if he's so connected, how the fuck Did the wasp get caught in the first place.
However The host callously tells the viewers that Ma Mason is already dead! and uses it as a feed line to Announce stage 2 the maze.
8 contestants enter the safe Zone. When Tucker sees Sarah, he charges to attack and the Producer presses a button on the console to knock all 8 out!
Leading to a Action figure ad that reveals the names of the other contestants. The other Man is Albert who is allegedly a cannibal, and the dumpy sour faced woman with the Saoirse Ronan haircut is Stephanie.
When they come to, they are in a circular room, each with one arm chained to a railing! The host explains that the game is for a spot prize: A GUN! Each contestant must finish a touch screen maze, to remove the chain's robotic locks. Albert, wins the gun and shoots its off, smashing Ren's Screen. Tucker is freed next and disarms the gun from Albert. Turns out there is a Physical maze to escape in the next room as the raptors materialized in the Room. with no way of finishing the maze, Ren snaps of his chain to fend off the Dinosaurs with Martial arts because of course, All Asians Know Martial Arts! bit it's all in vain. Ren gets Eaten and 8 becomes 7.
Crawling Out of a Grate, Albert Attacks Tucker for the Gun he won. But there is no Ammo Left. Because Stephanie exited the Physical Maze First, (And because she has had no character Development yet!) She is Given a map to Supplies by the Host. Albert tries to attack her, But the Mason's get the map before he does. You Know what? For A gameshow where all the contestants are murderers, Stephanie seems like she can't handle a punch. Given as we are told the Dumpy plain girl is supposed to be a Black Widow style killer in video package, though Reporter calls Bullshit on it. The Producer is giving an interview to defend her show: BLAH BLAH BLAH...WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY!, But the seeds of doubt have already being planted in the Reporter.
In the Game, The Wasp is killed by acid from a Pitcher Plant. In his dying breath he tells The Masons he was never going to save DERE MOMMA! Big Brother finishes him off then quits.
Stage 3: Retrieve either a knife or Ammo from a minefield that has Pterodactyls circling like buzzards. because Big brother quit his Head A Splode! The Pterodactyl Picks up Little Brother and Drops him on a mine that too explodes.
Making it through, Tucker tells Sarah/Joy He was set up by the killer. They hear a scream and it's Stephanie who just got Shanked by Albert. Tucker gets stabbed to and his Gun his taken by Albert. steeling the clip they retrieved from the last round. Albert and Tucker fight over the cliff, losing the gun. Retrieving it, Albert is killed by a swarm of Flesh eating Beetles!
Because we haven't figured out everyone in the studio is massive Scumbag, an actress gets a raise by crying that "Her Husband's Killer" Just got killed.
Sarah Stalks Stephanie and Tucker who are bleeding heavily, Who are in turn stalked by a Sabretooth, Sarah kills Not-Saoirse Ronan by kicking her into the Pit where the Sabretooth was. the Final 2 are Sarah/Joy and Tucker.
The final round is of course a fight to the death in a desert. In said there is 2 keys for each lock To the length of chain that binds them together! In the Real World The Reporter Kills the Producer when she finds out the Reporter sent a message to "THE CAVEMEN" The resistance group against the Jurassic Games. Back in Virtual Reality. Sarah's Stupid Ass, Just CONFESSED ON LIVE, NATIONAL TELEVISION THAT SHE KILLED TUCKER'S WIFE! But everyone is too busy talking about him and not her!
IT'S A CLOUT CHASER ALLEGORY!
To add to the ratings, A T-rex is added. Because the Host wants more ratings he adds more t-rexs. but there programming kicks in and they fight over territory.
SO LET'S FINISH THIS!
In a Dead heat, Tucker wins and Sarah's head explodes, the Host is forced in the game and is eaten by a T-Rex. Tucker comes to, but in the midst of a gun fight everyone dies but Tucker only suffers a flesh wound. It's a year later and Tucker is home with his family....watching the press release for the NEW JURASSIC GAMES! As the Dinosaurs now have Frickin' Laser Beams!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-O9rAwVOu0
THIS FILM SUCKS!
....But come on! it's not Shakespeare! The actors are nobodies, the Plot is contrived, the CGI looks it came from a failed Film student!
Completely par the course for Horror Channel!
CREDITS
The Jurassic Games was reviewed, compiled, and edited by Eamonn Bermingham (FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @REALENLI)
With Media from
Ironic by Alanis Morrisette
MST3K
The Jurassic Games was Produced by High Octane Productions (YEAH ME NEITHER!) All rights reserved, all media used belong to their respective owners!
NEXT MONTH!
BLACK WIDOW'S FIRST FILM.....A FORGOTTEN MADE FOR DVD CARTOON! AVENGERS ANIMATED IS NEXT!
No comments:
Post a Comment