PREVIOUSLY ON DORA LIVE ACTION!
YOU WANT A SYNOPSIS OF THIS? OKAY! DORA'S ADVENTURES WERE A CHILD'S MAKE BELIEVE STORIES. THEY TURNED DORA 17 TO HAVE HER FILM TURNED INTO A FISH OUT OF WATER HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA. WE ALSO HAVE SOCIAL COMMENTARY THAT A GIRL WITH SURVIVAL PARAPHERNALIA WOULD FAIL A SECURITY SCANNER IN A LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL IN THE REIGN OF THE LAST PRESIDENT, THE FAKE-TAN FASCIST! There's also a plot about Dora's Parents looking for a Lost city of Gold who's name sounds like the McDonald's Jingle!
We Continue After The Security Search scene. where despite Dora making everyone late, there are still 2 Students not heading to class. A Prissy Middle Class Know-it-all and a Bullied Gamer Nerd. Sammi and Randy Respectively! Diego tells them not to get involved with either. Especially With Randy attacked. Not only is Diego The whitest Boy in all of Chill-Lay, but he is also Yellow!
Beacause this film has dissolved into High School Cliqu, Bullshit! The Being Smart Equals Being Hated, Trope Is in Full effect! And as the Token Asian, Sammie feels threatened by Dora's intelligence, Not that the Sheltered Girl actually gets it!
So we have a Montage of Dora's first week at A school Including THAT! scene with the Bus!
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| "WHITE BUSDRIVER KIDNAPS LATINO FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT, KEEPS JOB! NEWS AT 11!" |
And reacting to mundane things like Mac N Cheese like it's the most amazing thing ever! All the time being Followed by a Black Car!
Cut to A Winter's dance were the theme is Stars! And Dora is dressed as an actual Star. She does animal inspired Dance and everyone laughs at her. God where's Carrie's Mother and a Bucket of Goat's Blood when you need them the most?
Diego tells her she's an Embarrassment to him! And she takes it to heart!
The next day it's a High School Scavenger hunt and Dora, Diego, Sammie and Randy are forced into a group. We also have to set up what happens next ,with a teacher leaving his Charges by exclaiming "i hate my Job!"
So off course! Dora get's kidnapped and bundled into a crate! Who are these motherfuckers? ICE?
...The same Crate Loads #1, 2 and 3 were hiding in. They throw gas into the Crate. and when they come to, they are in the cargo bay of a plane that has landed in Peru! Kidnapped by 3 mercenaries, Not Ben Kingsley, Not-Gal Gadot, Not-Terry Crews who seems to the handler for Swiper (WHO IS REAL AFTERALL?)
When Dora and Friends come to, someone is coming to open the crate. Dora gets something out of her Backpack.....And Pulls OUT A MACHETE!
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| "HOLA CHILDREN! CAN YOU SAY "SEVERED ARTERIES"? |
They are actually rescued by a friend of her family. (He's a Mexican Comedian, I Don't remember his name!") Randy and Sammie are only here to cry, complain and make 1st world problems "Jokes", so their Character Development is dead!
So Swiper (Danny Trejo of all people!) Steals the map in some Loony Tunes, Back In Action, Physical Effects Bullshit (You Can see the Wires if you slowed it down to a crawl!) Dora tries the mantra to stop him from stealing, But still Manages to steal the map.
Dora's Rescuer is Professor Alejandro Honduras. (Just Alejandro or The professor to save my Typing hands!) A Lingustics Professor and Collegue of Dora's Parents. He Got worried when they Didn't return his calls, and fearing the worst he got Kidnapped to by the mercenaries and escaped. Dora is being kidnapped because she too has the knowledge of Para Pata. They find the family's Car and continue to the camp they made amid, Shrunken Heads and Totems erected by the Lost Guardian tribe of Para Pata! The Professor is a coward and so is as useless, as Sammie and Randy!
Half a day has Past and they find Dora's Family Camp, Ransacked. Feeling Watched they prepare for an Ambush, Only to meet Boots (Of course, Dora would Know this Monkey" ACTUAL QUOTE!)
After a song about a Potty Emergency, (Cute if it song by a child, SUS IF IT'S SONG BY A 17 YEAR OLD!) The Group attacked by A rain of arrows. Running for Shelter in a Hollow log, an Errant Arrow Pushes the Log down a hill. Crawling out, Dora inspects the Arrow and see's the Symbol that was on the Totems. The Lost Guardians are also after the Heroes!
Diego Comforts his cousin and Along the way, remembers that he's an animal tracking expert when he spies fresh footprints: FOX FOOTPRINTS!
They Spy on the Mercs, Heading Down the River. Except Dora, Snatching The Professor's Notebook says they are going Up-River. Para Pata is near an Opera House, that is now Abandoned and Reclaimed by Mother Nature. And Props to well, The Props Department, But this Ruin looks the business.
THEN I RETRACT MY PRAISE!
As they into Quicksand, the Liquid Ground makes a fart sound and they make a fart joke before realizing what danger they are really in!. The professor is now neck deep in Quicksand and 2 scorpions are on his head, except they are not exactly fighting if you know what i mean! (Dora: the Male is grabbing the female from Behind, i never seen them attack like that before!" ACTUAL FUCKING QUOTE!" With Professor's body a human Sandcastle and his head used as a scorpion Club Med, they find his legs dangling under the stone stairs and pull him out, feet first, all the while claiming to be a fraud.
FORESHADOWING!
In a cave they Find A shaman, who tells the five the lost city is cursed, However she is willing to bring them back to Civilization. Diego Refuses, He Promised to keep His cousin Safe afterall, The 2 Useless Ones Wonder why she so eager to help, until they see her tattooed arm. she is a Lost Guardian, who tried to make them Human Shish Kebab Earlier so they run away to warn Dora and the others.
They already figured it out because the way is a field of Codyceps Lillies that spray their Pollen, thanks to the bumbling Prof. But instead of turning into Clickers. They instead get high and turn into the Cartoon for a shared Disillusion. Though she does re-imagine All her Imaginary Friends, she does Comprehend being Rescued by Sammie and Randy.
Continuing on, It's now Randy's time to prove his worth by saving the crew when they fall in to an Aqueduct and nearly drown. Let's forget the part about Randy Pulling the levers to release the water in the first place!
Sucked into an excuse to market this film as a waterslide, They Find Dora's Parent's and here's where we get our M SHITE SHITTYFILM Twist we saw coming.
THE PROFESSOR IS EVIL! AND NOT ONLY THAT THE LEADER OF THE MERCS!
Kidnapped again, Our heroes are forced to lead the the enemy to the Lost City. They find it over a cliff. the Golden City Glistening the Setting Sun! Boots Swings and unties the teenager's Wrists. Dora Ascosts her monkey for rescuing her, Knowing Alejandro will just kill Her parents. once he's done.
THAT'S WHEN BOOTS THE MONKEY GIVES HER A PEP-TALK!
i'm not kidding. B
Boots decides that right now, in the voice of Antonio Banderas to speak English to Dora. Poor Girl must be whiffing that pollen again! The others find Dora and figure out if they can find the Treasure first they could use it to barter for her Parents freedom. Solving a puzzle on Constellations, They enter Para pata to find Nothing at first. Til they find a puzzle, til they find a death trap and pass it with the Power of Friendship. Only for the Professor to reveal he was following them to pass the Traps.
And Now the Monkey Idol and the Treasures left as tribute is all his. Which is why Dora as left him to stand on the obviously welchy Bricks and she and are friends aren't. The Slabs fall to reveal a lava pit, with Alejandro Clinging onto life. The lost Guardians arrive with the Shaman who magically turns into a hot woman. Dora asks the Goddess to spare there lives, But only if Dora solves the Puzzle correctly. She instead offering gold to the idol. Fills his palms with Water. Reveal the Treasure to be....A giant CGI Monkey they only had 8 seconds of footage of. Swiper steals the small Monkey Idol causing Para Pata to collapse around them. Boots Attacks Swipper to free the statue and Dora runs into the dust storm to return it to it's rightful Place.
And so Diego confesses his love for Sammie. The teens are reunited with their parents, But Dora wants to return to America. which is meet with Hammy cries by Pena and Longoria. and of course Dora fits in, she has turned her geeky dance that was mocked to a THICKO-THOT Dance, so she is not REALLY POPULAR, HER PEERS ARE JUST SHEEP!
THIS FILM SUCKS!
WHO IS THIS FOR?
IT'S NOT FOR PRESCHOOLERS, IT'S NOT FOR THE CHILDREN WHO GREW UP WITH THIS AND HAVE NOSTALGIC FEELINGS FOR THIS!
The Premise is Ridiculous, the World Building, wafer thin. The CGI is Lifeless and Janky. Moner is giving it the College try in her first starring role, but it's a losing Battle between the cast of Underactors and Overactors (Pena is becoming Hispanic Rob Schneider in my eyes. 2 films with him in it and both of them stank!)
WE WEREN'T EXPECTING AN OSCAR WINNER, BUT NOONE EXPECTED THIS TO BE RATED 87% ON ROTTENTOMATOES!
HAS THE WORLD GONE MAD?
CREDITS
Dora the Explorer and lost city of Gold was Reviewed Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
with Media from.
In part 1
Dora the Explorer and lost City of Gold
Go Diego Go!
Linkara and Phelous review the Airzone Solution
Batman: Fortunate Son.
and in Part 2
Dora the Explorer and the lost city of Gold
Dora the Explorer and the Lost city of Gold was Distributed by Paramount. Dora the explorer is also Property of Nickelodeon. All rights reserved. All Media used belong to their Respective Owners.
NEXT MONTH ON BOGGERBOXOFFICE.
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