AVENGERS CONFIDENTIAL-BLACK WIDOW/PUNISHER

 So is this a film or PS1 Video Game?

Why does Iron-Man look more emotive than Thor, Why does Hulk look like he's reacting like he nicked himself shaving? And why is Black Widow waist smaller than her head? What is this Cover?

Well I can tell you what this cover is.

False Advertising!

As this film is not 3D, But a 2D Anime.

We open in Seattle, In One of Many Safehouses of the Vigilante Frank Castle, Aka the Punisher watching A News Report on a Mass Shooting, At the same It's Been Monitored By Black Widow.

After a sped through Opening Sequence, We Open With Solid Frank in level one of Metal Gear Punisher! Told you it was a Video Game! Complete with Gratuitous Violence and Loud Screeching Guitar Music! 

Punisher has Shook down an Arms Dealer called Kane, Much to the Annoyance of SHIELD, Who were tracing him whoever was supplying him Weapons.

Black Widow Confronts Castle, But he Blows her off, and tries to Leave But a wind blows behind him and Widow is in front of Punisher again.

For the Record, Black Widow does Not have teleportation Powers, So this was either Artistic Licence to show how fast she is, Or It's the Trademark Bullshit of the executive Producer, Joe "One More Day" Quesada.

So the Mercenaries fight, Until Fury arrests Punisher. Castle Badmouths Fury, until Widow Shoots him with Tranquilizers. In the Commotion, Kane has Gotten Away.

When Frank comes to Nick tells Castle so stay out of Shield's Business. Castle tells Fury that Shields by the book lawfulness Doesn't cut it on Street level. Fury tells Castle who he just pissed off. LEVIATHAN (The Splinter Cell of Hydra)

There is a Mole in Shield, Leviathan has stolen Schematics of the Wakefield Lazer Rifle, A gun with a core that shoots Plasma, Not Light. They have Manufactured them and Kane has sold them on Street level. Fury wants to know where Kane is getting the weapons, So Punisher says he will Tell Fury all he knows about Kane, for his freedom. But since We are making offers, Fury Counter offers his freedom, but Black Widow keeps an eye on him.

We Cut to Skovena, a former Commie Block, Where Black widow gives us an info dump on Leviathan.

They Stumbled to a lab which was used to make Biological weapons, that was officially closed 20 years ago after an accident. But here it is, seeing use. Sneaking inside, they find Kane and 1000s of Canisters Containing Humanoid Bodies! Punisher wants to settle it with Kane, So Castle and Widow have another fight

Or Should I say, THE EXACT SAME FIGHT? Since they refused Scenes from the first fight! I GET IT! Animation costs Money and reusing Scenes is a necessary evil, But thing is not a cheaply made cartoon! this is Not one of Corus' Unfunny Fart Jokes, This is a Film by Marvel Co produced by Sony. 

WHERE YO MICKEY MOUSE AND MINIONS MONEY AT, BITCHES?

Capturing Kane, Punisher demands answers. Until Kane Blinds him with his Light Mode Phone screen. When Punisher comes too, he only finds the phone.

Black Widow Infiltrates the lab further, Until she is Attacked by a man clad in Red Armour. She finds out that it's Elias Starr, Her former Lover, assumed dead. So he was the Traitor. So turns out He's Taken Leviathan's offer so he can be a SuperSoldier level Human like Natasha, Who is shocked on why he thought doing all this would impress her?

So Because Eli-ASS here has been told not to wait up at night too many times, He's Joined the Comunazis, thinking Widow will buy his excuse of "I Have Superpowers too!.....

But since Natasha is good at her job, She uses Elias to get an audience with Orion, the leader of Leviathan. Elias tells Widow that the Canisters contain Volunteered Spies and Soldiers from all over and the liquid is  his own Concoction of  Super Serum. But Too angry with him, she Knees him in the Junk. So Elias and widow have their recycled Fight Scene. Elias maybe a pussy, but he is Tough!

Shield's On Field Equipment is not powerful enough to trace Kane's Phone. Luckily, SHIELD has something in it's Istanbul HQ that can help.

More like Someone.

Amadeus Cho, Boy Genius and Tech Guy of the New Warriors, aka the Junior Avengers. At this Point he's Still Human, not sure if he's the Iron Spider.

 

But Nowadays he's Now The Kid-Hulk.

Trivia aside, Amadeus can decode Kane's Phone, But all it does is cause a countdown and the White Flash of Light, Turns out the Flash is a Mind Control Program, But they all took it head on and only Castle was Affected. Looks like The flash cannot work on Modified Humans like Widow, Or Geniuses like Cho. In other words, Man-With-A-Gun-Man starts whaling on everyone, Killing 3 men in the process.

Cho doesn't know how to Deactivate the Phone so he just Jettisons it. When the timer reaches 0, Castle Snaps out of it. Shocked, Castle allows himself to be Arrested. Widow Briefs Fury, Who knew about the Brainwashing. Which Is why he Put Widow and Castle together for this mission, Fury couldn't allow the More Powerful Avengers like a Thor or Hulk to be compromised, so if they were mindcontrolled, they would be easier to kill. Fury does have a valid Point, Since It seems to only effect Normal People. If Kane were to use it on the General Population, he could amass an army. Fury also reveals that Elias Star also stole the Hulk's Blood sample to make the Bio-Soldiers!

Punisher is broken out of Prison by Black Widow to speak to an informant in Hong Kong, he tells him that Leviathan is running an Auction In Mandipor, Tonight. On a tv screen, A single Bio-Soldier, Destroys Dubai.

In Mandipor, Many Supervillians (The Manticore, Doctor Doom, Avatar, Dracula and Baron Zemo) have an interest in a Army of Bio-Soldiers. The two arrive to stop the auction with Punisher killing the Bio-Soldiers. But Natasha says not to, they are innocent Men who were experimented on. No, we are told that they are Spies who volunteered to be experimented on , so they may have blood on their hands also. Luckily the Hulk and Cho arrive and Give Castle a Visor that coats the eyes in Nanotechnology.

Hulk and Punisher deal with the Biosoldiers while Widow has unfinished with Eli-ASS! Elias with all the Nice Guy, Smol PP Energy is the world is now match for a Woman Scorned. So Elias Gets the Evil Bitch-slapped out of him!

Let's Finish this!

The other Avengers arrive and beat up Doom, Manticore and Avatar like a bunch of No-names. (Seriously Doom is the most famous of the 3 and he's given no lines!) Elias and widow Confront Orion a Putz in a Knock-off Iron man Suit, So Naturally he gets Stomped, Being Stupid enough to mentally bond The Bio-Soldiers to his will, When he's Knocked out the Bio-Soldiers DIE! When Orion comes to. he blast Natasha with a laser, which Elias takes instead In a Heroic Sacrifice. Punisher kills Orion as Elias Bleeds out and Apologizes to Widow. Fury is pissed that Orion was to be taken alive so he arrests Punisher. But Widow Frees him....with ARMED SHIELD AGENTS IN EARSHOT! And so our story ends with Castle finding Kane and Shooting him dead!

THIS FILM IS....OKAY!

The artstyle is a jarring mix of Uncanny Anime and Liefieldesque Thick Black Lines, The action feels like a videogame Cutscene or An AMV, scenes are reused despite now being owned By the Evil Empire, Orion is a disappointing Villain to build up to. The only thing that's carrying this film is the voice acting.

CREDITS

Marvel Avengers Confidential was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli)

With Media from

Marvel Avengers Confidential

Steel and steam Productions on Youtube

Marvel

Jontron

Marvel Avengers Confidential: Black Widow/Punisher is Distributed by Marvel Studios and Sony

The Avengers Is Property of Marvel Comics

All rights reserved. All Media Used Belong to their respective owners.

Meanwhile in Solar System.....

a Galactic G-Men Crusier Sped out of a wormhole. Eamonn woke from Cryosleep to look at the Blue Planet.

"Computer, Set a Course to the Alpine Temperature Land mass the Locals Name Ireland...Oh, and keep this trip on the downlow!"

I'm Coming home....For Christmas!  

NEXT MONTH....

IN THE YEAR ENID BLYTON GOT CANCELLED SIXTY PLUS YEARS AFTER HER DEATH, I UNVEIL A CRACK REVIEW OF A RANDOM NODDY DVD!

"GOD GOOD I HAVE A BUSY MONTH!"