EPISODE 96:THE UNFUNNY FILMS OF RICKY GERVAIS AND STEPHAN MERCHANT: EAMONN REVIEWS THE INVENTION OF LYING PART 2

 (This month's theme Moby- Just A Lie!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-vetWW8Ums
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE,
We are really wallowing in the waist-highs this month, welcome to the depressing world of The Invention of Lying, where humans have not evolved the capacity to lie, meaning culture is dead, working masses hate their lives, and people making relationships have dropped all pretenses and reply solely on wealth and genetics for their perfect match!

That has all changed when a lowly script-writer called Mark (Ricky "Unfunny Goblin" Gervais) under so much stress, lied for the 1st time, after trying to explain to his friends to no avail, he nearly raped a woman as a joke's punchline, defrauded Vegas, talked down Jonah Hill from suicide, invented drama that people took as an historical event, and got a second date from superficial Anna, played by Jennifer Garner, which is where we restart)

At dinner, Mark tells about his family where in a flashback we see two of Gervais biggest Hangers-on Shaun "Fat Barry from Eastenders" Williamson and off course the Unfunny Giant, Merchant. Fat Barry is Mark's father and a burglar, the worst job to have in a world where no-one can lie. His father died in jail and his mother was sent to the old folks home, but now Mark has money, he can buy his mother a mansion and keep her in it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HFPa-M6Ssk
Sadly, as you would expect by that joke bridging to this paragraph, Martha is dying, and this is harrowing stuff, since the existence of an afterlife is technically a lie, She is disarray, Until Mark gives his mother the "heaven" talk, inspiring the doctors who were as prickish and unfeeling as the ones in Patch Adams!

Anna Stays the night with the grieving Mark, When Mark drives to the funeral home he's barraged by people who want to know about what happens when people die! and media from all over the world sees his pug nose face! (PUG, PUG! PUG, PUG!)

So, either news travels fast, or I'm right in thinking that humanity has doomed itself by this no lying policy, & their are not enough of us left!

Okay i thought that this film was only going to be about the biggest loser in the world, becoming rich and and famous and losing the girl he loses and gets her back, it still is, but now it has thrown us a curve-ball that make it worse!

...RICKY GERVAIS HAS JUST INVENTED RELIGION!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gr86deEKDUA
He explains that it was something that was said to comfort here, but she reacts differently, rather than blindly believe it, she encourages it, saying that if it made his mother happy for the last moments, then it would make other people happy too!

So...Let me get this straight....In world where Humanity has never, until recently, lied, and by proxy, never imagined, exaggerated, dramatize, create, or philosophized, there are people in this world that understand....The "theory"  of telling a lie?

YEAH! SURE! WHY NOT? I JUST DIDN'T WE WOULD GO STRAIGHT DOWN AD-LIB ALLEY, AND RIGHT INTO A CUL-DE-SAC OF MAKE-IT-UP-AS-YOU-GO-ALONG!

So, yeah!
Gervais has invented Religion, more specifically, A Bastardized Version of Christianity, writing the 10 commandments on Pizza Boxes, Oh and God is the "Man In the Sky" and only Mark can talk to him! Every Phoney Commandment gets a reaction of ooooooh! like easily impressed children

Which Ironically is the the basis of all secular Belief!

So With the first ever drama, Winning awards and buying houses and clothes to impress her, Anna warms to his personality, and even becomes less Superficial, but still won't sleep with him because their kids would be 50% Chubby Little Losers! (SEE HIS PUG- NOSED FACE! PUG, PUG! PUG, PUG!)

What?
I said she was "less" superficial!
But just as Mark was about to lie to Anna's question whether wealth changes people's genetics, he answers no!"

Yeah you created Lying, Drama, and Religion in the space of a week, i would cut my losses too!

A year later, a co-inhabiting Anna and Mark are arguing on his birthday because Anna is going on a date with Brad (Rob Lowe), when he says that pre-martial  sex is forbidden by the "Man In The Sky", he opens the birthday card that Anna gave him, and inside is a coupon...."Good for 1 Night of Sex!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ytCEuuW2_A
And Since he shot himself in the foot, Brad proposes to Anna, to hurt his Rival Writer, As much as i hate this kind of "I Want You, Because He Does!" Crap, it works where everyone is truthful, however Mark is still too much of a loser to do anything about it!

So creating a world that now has religion  has mutated all the douchebags into bigger ones as small evils like being rude or bolshy is okay now that there is a man in the sky that let's them act like dicks with impunity, Even to Mark, the only man that can talk to their new God!
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oypydvERgS0
It gets worse, Jonah Hill is drinking himself into a stupor because now he know his live will be better when he dies! At Martha's Grave, he realises that a live of wealth is pointless without anyone to share it with1 The Depression of creating religion has made Mark give up on shaving and dressing himself, covering his shame when he needs to in bed-linen...Oh god no! Don't do what i think you are ....


Yes! they turned Gervais into Jesus! Anna gives Unfunny Jesus an invite, but try to convince her that if Brad is a prick why marry him, Anna opens that at 30 she knows her looks will leave here but if she passes on those looks to her children, he wont be judged badly! Mark, in an author's saving throw, tells Anna that's bullshit! and the man who loves her will love her no matter what she looks like! She FINALLY! Gets it when breaks up two boys bullying a smaller, fatter boy.

So let's finish this!
Greg (Louis CK) cleans up Mark to disrupt the wedding, Anna finally gets it and Mark tells Anna there is no god, and that people should go back to thinking and looking out for themselves, but dammit-THINK BEFORE YOU ACT BECAUSE EMPATHY IS NOT THE SAME THING AS LYING! And so, our film ends 5 years later, with Anna married to Mark, and their Bowl-Cut Boy of a son, speaking baby talk despite being 5, inheriting his father's ability to lie.

No word if this world has plunged into a war between Atheists and People who still firmly believe in a "Man In The Sky"  but a happy ending is an happy ending!

AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!
THIS FILM SUCKS!
Everyone is an unlikable Asshole, Garner is thick as two planks, Jonah Hill's Character (Whose name, I think is never given) sub-story dissolved, the film is depressing, I hadn't being more upset with an Ending since Donnie Darko, This is a world where the rich bully the poor, the successful use influence on weak minded lackeys, the old wait to die, and the incompetent cash their cheques, Gervais is becoming the British Sandler, with his formulaic "Ends up Married with Children" ending and giving his Lick-arses Merchant and Williamson key roles! And the extras, oh lord the extras! Who Ordered the Hams with extra Cheese?

THIS IS QUITE POSSIBLY, THE WORST FILM I EVER WATCHED!

CREDITS
The Invention of Lying was reviewed, compiled and edited into 2 parts by Eamonn Bermingham @RealEnli

With Clips and Music from:
in Part 1:
The Office
and music
"Chubby Little Loser" performed by David Bowie
and part 2:
Bubsy
Bubsy: the animated series
Disney's Hercules
Avatar: the last Airbender visuals with audio from the Spoony Experiment (credit to its creator)
The Price is Right
Photo from google Images
And Music
Disco Lies by Moby (FreeMasons Remix)

The Invention of Lying is property of Universal Studios.
All rights reversed.
All clips used belong to their respective owners.

NEXT MONTH: IT'S NOT OCTOBER, IT'S PRATCHETTOBER HERE ON BOOGER BOX OFFICE AND ENLIGHTENED TOWERS, Checkout the winter schedule 2015 at enlightenedtowers.blogspot.ie for more info!

THE UNFUNNY FILMS OF RICKY GERVAIS AND STEPHEN MERCHANT EPISODE 95: EAMONN REVIEWS THE INVENTION OF LYING Part 1

(Welcome to my new sub-series! here is it's official theme song!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ge7S6-Ta3yg
Even though it was Joe-Jack that said it here and not me, I must agree with him, Ricky Gervais is not funny!

I watched the office, years ago, because, back then I worked, and no matter where you work, you'll always have work colleauges, and you'll always have small talk with them, and they where talking about this show that the world was raving about, called the office, so I watched it, and saw this!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6Eaz-1_3iA
And Didn't Smile, let alone laugh!

The next day, the whole world was talking like the stupid dance was the funniest thing ever!

And People wonder why just watch Dave, Python, chat-shows and wrestling now!

So How the Unfunny Goblin is making film now is anyone's guess! And that is where we start on the longest review ever drafted by mesel, The Invention of Lying!

After TEN, count'em, TEN! Trailers (it's Almost like Universal knew I was doing this, and tried to distract me!) Ricky starts narrating that we are in an alternative world where everyone tells the truth, not by forced by government or by cultural dynamics, but because....HUMANITY HAS NOT EVOLVED THE ABILITY TO LIE!

Which means we are doomed as a species!
As bad as it sounds, the ability to lie, is nothing more than an evolved version of our primate ancestors ability to look threatening, Considering that when we first fell out of the tree, we shared the world with not only animals that ate our food, but ate us as well, and our cunning in verbal times, saved many lives, where telling the truth was the wrong option.

Anyway this leads to a panel of people, a sickie-puller who tells his boss he hates his job, a woman telling an off-screen mother her baby is ugly, and a restaurant-goer exclaiming she took a giant shit!

In other words to make the guy who only plays Douchebags and Asshole Victims likable, they filled the world with bigger douchebags and Asshole Victims! Like Peep Show, but done Badly!

We Start with Mark (Gervais) who is here to date Anna (Jennifer Garner) for the 1st time, Anna tells Mark she was masturbating and only and only agreed to this date because being alone for the Rest of her life scares her
BUY A CAT-IT'S SIMILAR TO LIVING WITH GERVAIS AS BOTH ARE HAIRY ROUND-HEADED THINGS WITH AN ELEVATED AURA OF SELF-WORTH!
...Mark tells her that the restaurant they are going to is all he can afford because he fears he's going to be fired!

We cut to said restaurant, where even in a world where no-one can lie, people are still dickish about an attractive person on date with...well, The Unfunny Goblin! We also learn two sad truths about the world without lying, 1) everyone hates their jobs and their lives 2) Culture has taking a nosedive-Music is minimalist- art is set in the bounds of reality, and ads are executives telling people their food is bad, but your gonna buy it anyway!
Meh!
Explains why they still make synthetic trash like "Blue" Raspberry, Hot-dogs and Ketchup, so i'll give you that one, film! 

After a confrontation with a suicidal neighbour, (Jonah Hill) we see where Mark works, in a film studio that makes educational films, as a scriptwriter, since acting, would definitely count as a lie.

Turns out that Mark is only bad at his job because of the pecking order and the only plays left are of sad historical events. Despite a valid argument, he's fired and dumped via email, and everyone knows because his secretary (the wasted talents of Tina Fey) hacked his account.

BECAUSE LIVING IN A WORLD WITHOUT LIES, MEANS YOU CAN ACT LIKE A DOUCHE, DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD! LIE ISN'T THE SAME THING AS EMPATHY!

Does it get worse, yes it does. Rob Lowe's character tells Mark that he purposely turned people against him, and people are swayed easily like that?

Driving to the Sad Place for Hopeless People (you know this film is so depressing, it's actually draining!) It's actually what they call an old folks home, after a joke on how the nurses have a dead pool on who dies next, Mark wishes there is some way to change everything.

The next day  Mark needs $800 for rent, he tells his landlord  but he only has $300.At the bank, the system is down, so all the frustration has triggered synapses in his brain and all of a sudden, this pathetic man has told the world's first lie

Dumbfounded but excited, he tries to tell his drinking buddy, Greg (Louis CK) but the whole culture is hard to break, using the idea to make the world ending orgy, has turned it into a Rape analogy, the woman continually crying and saying things like "I have no choice!", and " I'll do want you want!" And making the entire scene uncomfortable, considering the set-up was used for trailer!

Realising that people do have some level of Free will, ("People Did like you, Mark, but they like being noticed by successful people even more".-Actual quote from the movie) he and Greg plan to use lying to cheat Vegas, saving a drunk greg from being arrested.

Despite being rich by defrauding the system, He saves a suicidal Jonah Hill with his lies, in fact he finds that being ensuring has given him a nice feeling so he helps people feel better with his lies by feigning an interest, and though this montage is wordless, Hill feels better for having a friend.

BUT NEVER MIND THAT SHIT!-Let's have Mark get revenge by telling the biggest lie ever! the ability to lie has created the one thing that this world is missing: Drama-in a world were the top draw entertainment is orators reading out teleprompter scripts of historical events or of documentaries, Mark writes a story and stains the pages with his coffee to make it look like and aged tome from the 1400s

Okay, Mark didn't trying to make World-Ending Orgy teach you to keep your lies simple? What did he Write about the 1400's? Proof that Saint Colmcile did discover America first? Proof Palidins existed?

No it's even more far-fetched! It's a Mish-Mash of Author Appeal about, Aliens, Babylon, Ninjas Fighting Robot Dinosaurs and Hot Alien on Human Action!

In other words, Fan-Fiction....and as i End part1...IT'S ONLY GOING TO GET WORSE!

HOW WORSE WILL THIS FILM GET? FIND OUT IN SEPTEMBER, ONLY ON BOGGERBOXOFFICE!

EPISODE 94: EAMONN REVIEWS THIS IS IT

 (THIS MONTH'S THEME-THE ENTIRE FILM!-all song available if i can find them!)
June the 25th 2009
It was a pitch black night as my hometown of Enniscorthy was preparing for its world famous strawberry fair, However, Mother Nature had other ideas. As the town was battered by a heavy thunderstorm, the only light I had was the infrequent flashes of white and the dull spectrum of my tv. I was watching ecw (at the time when wwe made a 3rd show and slapped the name of a former competitor to boost ratings!) when the show was done, the thunder had reached it's zenith and a creak that sound like every bone in one's body breaking happened loudly directly outside my door, it was my tree in my garden uprooted by the force.

I turned over the channel to catch a weather forecast, instead the screen was a collage of smaller screens, the words Breaking News taking up half of said screen, one screen showed a body being carted away, the other showed music's upper echelon (and Shit. I. Am!) referring to "him" and "he" being missed. and "his" fans crying! it wasn't until all the screens merged into 1 when Kay Burleigh told a half-awake Britain that at June the 25th 1:24am (GMT) that Michael Jackson had died.

That is my answer to what has become the modern JFK question..."Where were you when Michael Jackson died?" Michael who lived a life of contradiction and contrasts, The greatest Black performer of Modern times who transformed into a different person. whose life blurred genius and insanity, Fame and reclusiveness, was he a naive friend of all children or something a lot more sinister?

They say Death is only the beginning, and that was true of Micheal's death, everyday it seems new controversy reared it's ugly head, from washed-up actors claiming to be the real father to his kids, to the trail of his physician, to the ugly statue that was commissioned by Harrod's  and Fulham Football Club owner Muhammad Al Fayed (Look at it, looks like Lenny Henry DRESSED as Jacko!) and the less about his posthumous "duet" with Justin Trousersnake, the better!




However, Michael had left one gift left to give to the world, a documentation of what was going to be the final concert ever! Because the Summary of A Man's life is not how he died, It's how he lived, THIS IS IT!

We start in April 15th 2009
Auditions for dancers who came far and wide, all calling Michael their inspiration

After title drop, we hear the director talk about the opener. It's to start with an Audiovisual of the last fifty years in the shape of a man. Slowly, the light man opens up to reveal Michael who begins with if you gotta be starting something.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAbDnbz-W1M
Did they not figure out how hot HD screens are? And they expected a man with a melty face to escape a fluorescent, tailor made coffin for 100 nights? Naturally, Michael wheezes through IYGBSS -which is pretty much incomprehensible but not as bad as Jam. Afterwards, Michael tells his guitarist to enjoy himself, as he's looking into the audience with an angry face.

We cut to final press conference he'll ever give, as his faithful fans hang off his every word. Back to the opener  backup singers are launched by springboard to finish IYGGSS it seems the back up has helped Michael get his wind back.

We cut to the dance auditions, where 100's are whittled down to less than 30. The springboards are explained to the dancers and to us, the audience. To make the effect spectacular  the lift has 2 speeds regular and what chief choreographer Tony Testa refers to as toaster speed. At first the dancers struggle but soon get the hang of it.

Speaking of jam, here it is in all it's muddled glory seriously, that chorus sounds like it's being sang over a  3-mobile connection!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35XieLHfOVU
We cut to a green screen where our white dancers are in riot gear for They Don't Care About Us. For the show the screen will make it look like there's thousands, Michael personally gives the dancers his routine for his song, into the finished product for all I wanna.

I must say, they should have used this in the trailer.
As the director give Michael the prompt to hold for applause,as the lights fade out, the last thing we see is a wide smile on his face.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrJCp0ufLow
When the rehearsal resumes, Micheal's voice starts to falter, but credit where it's due, he's soldering on, singing human nature, a more obscure song.

The stage goes black and the screen goes to a black and white film of Chicago. This can only be one song, and if they get it wrong, then would have ruined it because it is my favorite song by him. And here is the rehearsal for smooth criminal
(TRUST ME YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS VERSION)
Oh man that was bad, that was alien ant farm bad!!!

Another day, another sound check. Musical Director Michael Bearden comments on how Michael puts the crew at ease also how he knows every little nuances of his songs.

Well, he didn't have that a while ago singing Smooth Criminal!

Naturally after that...song, Michael is a bit upset at the sound check-however it produces this jazzy version of The Way You Make Me Feel-However it's not working as well it should so it's made into an intro and an outro for how the song should be done, with a female dancer and a backdrop to recreate the famous video. this was so much better as Michael and the dancer exits the stage. this would have being the intermission to the show.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vapJSLP9yP8
It's not just his singles career that would have being performed, as when Michael and his 4 black dancers ascend from the lifts to perform Jackson 5's I want you back. Poor Michael is in a lot of pain but the song continues, I'm not showing the clip, because it's so sad to watch. he's complaining about a lot of feedback in his ear. it's adjusted and Stop The Love You're Sending Me Sounds a whole lot better, with I'll Be There being the best song of the night, as a montage of his younger years serve as a stark reminder on how he has dramatically changed! However singing 3 songs on the trot have put a strain on his throat!

Backstage the dancers are in their fitness classes and getting a medical check-up, because the proposed 100 shows in 100 nights will put a toll on a healthy, young person, nevermind a man who had just hit 50! Dance N Shout, is off course, the dancers chance to showcase their talents
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFE-ug_EZ_K
Another Greenscreen filming, this time for the new intro for Thriller, is spliced with the full dress rehearsal. AND.IT.IS.GLORIOUS!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tugf-vteliI
A Fireworks Display is tested and the pole-dancers and Aerialists practice for Billie Jean, we meet Zaldy, Chief of Wardrobe, who has made an electric version of the Billie jean suit.

The Intro for Beat It requires Michael to sweep in on a cherry Picker- A song that would have sounded amazing in front of an audience-but we will never know!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFE10JBcZoo
We now meet Michael's band for the show, as we segue to The Rachael Dolezal Song!-Black Or White!, one of Michael's more instrumentally demanding songs!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HePpV2i0suMm
This is a good rendition, given how young the guitarist is. the rest of the band are in their 40s and are well-seasoned musicians

Next is Earth Song and Michale is blown away by the cinematography of the new intro. So here is the live version of Earth Song, Minus Jarvis Cocker Mooning him!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1wVM3ghsII
Last intermission, everyone is all in for the last 2 songs. here's Billie Jean
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCah7jeRfbY
It's like a flashback to the peak to his powers, the dancers and the production crew are loving it! This leads to a prayer circle, after which Michael thanks everyone, he says he wants the effects of the trail are reversible. This leads to the closer!-MAN IN THE MIRROR!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rr2i-L1aaOA
THIS FILM IS A MUST SEE!
The premise is what it is: the greatest star of the modern era, captured in the most unique situation, making his comeback to the stage, months before his murder! A consummate professional, who despite age and pain (for the most part!) sings and dances at the level he was at his prime, we also see him vulnerable and frustrated.

This would have being the greatest show of my time but sadly that didn't happen!

CREDITS
Michael Jackson: This Is It! was reviewed, compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham(@RealEnli)
With clips from This is it!
and Image derived from google images
 All clips and images belong to their respective owners, all rights reserved
This is it is distributed by New Line Cinema, under permission of the estate of Michael Jackson

NEXT MONTH: THE WORST FILM I'VE EVER REVIEWED! WHAT IS IT? TUNE IN NEXT MONTH!

Episode 93: TOOTH FAIRY 2 PART 2

(this month's theme-because why the hell not?-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bOtMizMQ6oM
PREVIOUSLY ON TOOTH FAIRY 2....
The Rock's not in it, Julie Andrews is not in it, but happily, Stephen Merchant is not in it!)

We resume as Larry (The Cable Guy) arrives at his volunteer-ship at the rec centre to win back his ex girlfriend, he has arrived with healthy snacks for the kids, whilst carrying a plate of burritos for himself!

What kind of Moron brings fast food for himself, whilst convincing kids to eat healthy?

Anyway, the Lovable Lout mentions the tooth fairy which cause all the bigger kids to jeer,-mind you all the kids look like they just left acting school that day so all the kids look like your average Bowl Cut Boys and Child of Ambiguous Gender you always seem to get in these films. these are suppose to be down-trodden street kids!

That Night, Larry returns to the house where he failed his first assignment, the tv distracts him again, but he has a bigger problem. His Burritos have had a reaction to his fairy biology and he has started to....(facepalm) fart glitter! Despite the reaction that has made Thunderpants look subtle in comparison, Larry gets the tooth, but Nix is still unimpressed, siting that it look 2 days and supplies she couldn't spare to do it! Larry asks if their are children that EVEN BELIEVE in fairies anymore, Nix says that's his problem!

....A problem Larry is planning to fix, doing a storytime at the rec centre about fairies, hoping to get the children to believe. Gabe, the boy with the loose tooth that Larry insulted in part 1, has become antisocial,
(sigh!)
He's gonna be the final tooth Larry needs to keep his memory, isn't he?
So Predictable!
...He starts sweetly, but it ends with the children trying to hit each other to dislodge teeth so Larry can get it done quickly!

OUR HERO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
A Man who encourages children to self-harm to get off community service!

That night, Nix gives him more negative reinforcement and more importantly, fireflies to make him glow in the dark. Eating one turns his butt into that of a firefly, ripping his newly requested pink overalls, and making him susceptible to electric shocks, None the less, the 2nd tooth is collected!

So our 2 subplots are extended, Gabe's father cares more about forcing him into sports, and Brooke Invites Larry to her wedding Shower when Bo "accidentally" didn't invite any of her family from the trailer park to his Maison.

Oh, What's that, viewer?
"The next scene is Larry fighting his concise on doing the right thing over the desire to get revenge, with the hearts and minds of Children in the balance?"
BITCH PLEASE!
ENLIGHTENED KNOWS THAT!
NEW BORN BABYS KNOW THAT!

True to form, the desire to show up Bo is super-seeded by Larry's transformation into the tooth fairy, embarrassing poor Brooke by Bo's aged Maw-Maw acting like a Dirty old Woman by making Larry dance, but she does see how stuffy Bo is.

The Next assignment is a 2 storey house. You remember the 1st film where they established early that flight was powered by belief? Well they either forgot to include that into their mythos or between CGI Bowling pins and 100 bags of flour, they couldn't afford a flying effect! Needless to say this is becoming that Disney home video film of Tooth Fairy, the one with Kirsty Alley in it!

...And the children wake to confide in the tooth fairy, just like that film!

The daycare is running out of money, but Larry has a great idea. An art exhibition, one Gilligan Cut to said exhibition, and Gabe's pictures have sold out earning enough money for new supplies and toys, Though Brooke sees through Larry's game to impress her. Bo blows off Brooke when she wants to go wedding cake shopping, Larry, like all people, can't resist the offer of free cake. Bo arrives at the country club and completely derides Larry's presence, but our hero show us that he knows more about his ex than her fiance by pointing out an allergy of hers. Brooke gives Larry all the money as Bo's eyes dart as a musical shrill happens behind him.

It couldn't be more obvious what's gonna happen, if he had a handlebar moushtaste and stood near train tracks!

Sure enough, This MAYORAL CANDIDATE! stalks a care-worker and plans to steal toys from children!
THIS....THIS....Ugh...hehe...THIS WILL END WELL!

It also doesn't help has Larry is on assignment and has a Chevy full of toys, Bo steals all the toys and all credit the next morning- when he "buys" all the toys! Larry explaining that he's a tooth fairy doesn't help

That night, Larry flat out quits. Nix erases Larry most treasured memory. The next day at the Mechanics, Plot Convenience Community College calls Larry about how to recreate his winning shot, he realises that it wasn't his treasured memory, it was obviously all the times he spent with Brooke. Gabe has lost his tooth and doesn't know what do with it. Larry arrives in Fairyland....somehow!, and asks Nix for his job back, with his memory erased anyway, Nix complies, under condition that all his memories are on the line!

Gabe has set a mousetrap to catch Larry, Larry explains his ordeal, that he needs 5 more teeth or his memory will be lost again, Gabe helps by using his art to make cards for the 5 biggest meanest children of ambiguous Gender to convince them to believe.

Nix is pleased with the new stock of belief, that she gifts Larry with a secret weapon: Hummingbird wings-Essentially Chinese Medicine Style Hookum that gives the body the legendary speed of the tiny endangered animal!

The Night Before the wedding, Larry arrives at Brooke's house, to proclaim his love for her, telling her at if he could never remember being in love with her,  He'll be the saddest person ever, because not known why he lost it, will hurt more than losing it!

but never mind that-lets have Larry steal the guard-pig to distract an Avon party to recover Bowl-Cut tooth!

Brooke realises that she may have bet on the wrong horse, when Bo tells her that his greatest memory was about himself. Meanwhile Under the influence of the hummingbird wings, Larry collects 5 teeth only for the stuff to wear off with 15 minutes before midnight, only for Bo to arrive at the trailer park to give Larry a piece of his mind, Brooke has left him and the spin of marrying a local girl and "saving" her from the trailer park is ruined and he may lose the election, the news of Brooke back on the market, gives Larry the power of flight, Bo falls onto Larry's garbage pile, tearing at Larry's belt to save himself, covering himself with enough Amnesia Dust to put someone back in nappies!
AND IS NEVER SEEN AGAIN!

A year later, it's revealed Larry and Brooke got married, and she's pregnant, Nix appears and asks Larry to fill in for the State Fairy tonight, She reveals that he'll be help by his replacement-Crasher the Guard Pig! and so "Fat-man and hoggin" fly to the rescue

THIS FILM IS SO BAD, IT ACTUALLY BENDS THE NEEDLE BACK TO GOOD!

There is no star power, little budget, no dvd extras (this film was tied in a bundle with, you guessed it Tooth fairy 1!) but his has one thing going for it: NO STEPHEN MERCHANT! Larry the cable guy remains the king of unnecessary sequels-and he's not bad in this one, but my tune may change in December!

CREDITS
Tooth Fairy 2 was reviewed, compiled and edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli)
With  footage and Music from
in part 1-
Forest Gump
and "Drive in At Night" from Street fighter 4

and Part 2

The Dentist song from Little shop of horrors

Tooth Fairy was produced by 20th century fox
all clips belong to there respected owners
All Rights Reserved

Next Month
Our very first documentary....As we review This Is It!

EPISODE 92: Eamonn reviews Tooth Fairy 2 Part 1

(This week's theme-mainly because the climax happens there and music used  sounds a lot like this-
Street fighter 4-Drive in at night-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-VPGPVUuM8
We are 8 episodes away from 100 episodes and despite 4+ years of Bog Standard Filliums, we had never done a film with Larry the Cable Guy in it. We'll fret no longer, cause not only do we have 1 with him in it, It's also a sequel to one of my most read reviews, TOOTH FAIRY!

PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE~
Dwayne Johnson played a washed up hockey player, who stole tooth fairy money from his girlfriend's daughter to pay off a bet. Made to wear clothes that killed his tough guy persona and action hero cred, as well as put up with Stephen "the World's Second Unfunniest Man, who writes the jokes for the World's Unfunniest Man" Merchant, all at the same time as winning back his new family and reviving his career, as turning into the tooth happens as the worst possible time!

Expect the same, but without the star power of Julie Andrews and Billy Crystal, this is EPISODE 92: TOOTH FAIRY 2

We Start with a Jangly guitar riff as the scene fades into Larry's beatdown pick up truck driving to a bowling alley.

Wow! this film is so Southern-fried, all that's missing is a Handsome cad called Beauregard!

So, Larry (idiosyncratically played by Larry the cable guy) enters the raffle despite the chagrin of his girlfriend, Brooke. The raffle is hosted by a car salesman... A handsome cad called Beauregarde!

Oh, so it's one of those films, where the foreshadowing flows like sweet water to thirsty masses.

So Bo, the (groan!) former beau to Brooke rigs the raffle for Larry to win to steal his girl, it half works, as Larry slips on nacho cheese and not only picks up a spare out of a 7-10 split, but scores strikes on every lane due in the greatest piece of CGI ever.

A year later, and Larry learns that Bo is running for Mayor, with plans to marry Brooke, he confronts the daycare worker as Bo appears canvassing, Brooke tells Larry that she left him for having the maturity of a child and the social grace of a pig!

Bribing children to pelt the handsome man with water balloons, Larry is overcome with more jealousy, in a fit of depression tells a boy that tooth fairy don't exist, causing the child to get upset and Brooke even more anry with the selfish redneck.

That Night after reminiscing the good times with Brooke, Larry finds a summons under his pillow, much like the 1st film, Larry is put on community service and teleported to Fairyland, where it's no longer a non-denominational Santa's workshop but a white room with cabinets stretching towards infinity!

Julie Andrews has now being replaced with a child actress, who through-out negatively reinforces everything Larry does! Larry passes the whole thing off as a nightmare from eating too much chicken, denouncing chicken by naming every way to cook chicken!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhfK98f5S00

without a full studio of actors to exposist the film, it's now up to a badly animated cartoon short, it looks like those Zelda CDi games, but is that Tara Strong I Hear? the Plot is similar to the 1st, but Now Larry has to collect 10 teeth in 10 days, in his home town of Metro County, "Floridee", but fail to do so, Nix will steal his greatest memory, fearing that the Epic bowling shot was his only crowning achievement, he accepts.

Waking up Larry goes a-fixing to get his woman back, volunteering to work at the Daycare Facility, Leading to larry to turn Arts and crafts into a summer snowball fight using the film's remaining budget on flour and tights, Naturally getting the Children Messy and Potentially hurt has Made Brooke to remember how iresponible Larry Is!

That Night, Larry has his co-workers over to watch the game, when he transforms into the tooth fairy right in from of them, unlike the 1st, Larry doesn't instantly have the potions and powders to hand, so he uses subterfuge like "i'm in a play" or "i lost a bet", though he blasts them with amnesia dust anyway after a while.

1st assignment and it doesn't go well, as sleeping powder that works on cats and dogs, doesn't work so well on pigs!, even spiking a moon pie, depletes his stash, the urge to watch the game is too much and blows his cover cover, leaving empty handed. Nix uses her pink pallette swap spell on items in Larry's Trailer, siting the Redneck that he has 9 days to straighten up and Fly right!

WILL LARRY GIT-ER-DONE? AND WIN HIS LADY BACK?
IS THE WINNING THE CAR REALLY HIS BEST MEMORY?
DOES TARA STRONG'S VOICE REALLY EQUAL 1 JULIE ANDREWS
WHY ARE IRISH MOON PIES MUCH SMALLER THAN THE AMERICAN ONES?
FIND OUT NEXT MONTH! ONLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!  

EPISODE 91: EAMONN REVIEWS The Internship

 (THIS MONTH'S THEME-another knock against this film is it's terrible soundtrack, anything soundtrack that has Flashdance, Ironic and some drug-dealer crowbarring shitty lyrics onto bananarama, of all bands, deserve my disdain-so because this film is about people who never used google-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoqQnR8NOVI
Someone once said that we live in an age of miracles and wonders.

We live in a world where technology has shaped the world in the last 30 years. What was science fiction of past generations, is now reality. Communication with the world now takes minutes, crops can never be out of season, and medical science is winning our species' war with cancer.

But with all advances, there are some the last generations that get left behind- or at least that is the premise of this film using actors in their 40s, in this fish out of water buddy movie.,  the Internship.

We are.. Not at a very good start, we open on Billy (Vince Vaughn) and Nick (Owen Wilson) driving, loudly and nasally singing Alanis Morrisette's Ironic.

Thanks, I now Hate This song Even more!

Billy and Nick are jewelry salesmen and they try to sell watches to a client, there is one problem, their company has went into liquidation and they didn't know because they don't have email!

So these guys have being selling watches without a single paycheck? OK,  I know from experience that salespeople only get paid when their stock is cleared, but surely they have travel expenses and petty cash?

So having the embarrassment of having the client pay for their dinner, their boss, Sam (john Goodman) tells them that the technology of today has made watches obsolete, and tells them they are fired. After the gold watch treatment, we get a back story...oh, never mind, it's just a plot from EVERY OWEN WILSON AND VINCE VAUGHN FILM EVER MADE, EVER!

blah blah blah, pair of slackers. BLAH BLAH BLAH Wilson Can't keep it in his trousers! BLAH BLAH BLAH Vaughn has a big Mouth BLAH BLAH BLAH Crazy Scheme BLAH BLAH BLAH CRAZY ENOUGH TO WORK!
 BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH!

So Billy convinces Nick to join him getting an internship at Google, Nick is tentative, but it beats working at his sleazy Brother in Law's (Will Ferrell) Mattress Shop.

Using a Library Computer to get a job interview (I've being down that road before, nothing is more annoying than some prick too cheap to go to an internet caff, playing his/her music at full blast!) Nick and Billy get internships by bribing children and lying on their resumes

OUR HEROES LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

So out of not getting sued by age diversity pressure groups and nothing else, the 2 salesmen get Internships, And after found footage of trams and Alcatraz to tell us we are in SanFran, our boys arrive in Google HQ. This makes Billy act like a dick in Google's Free Employee Coffee Shop, While Nick chats up a women , (Rose Byrne)which the audience knows is one of HR over This program
OFF COURSE SHE FUCKING IS!

Having the entire room of Genius College Kids, their presence makes them look at our heroes like outcasts, Making one British Guy become their enemy of this film, not because Brits Are Evil, but because Billy and Nick are the 1st yanks who Pronounced his name as "GRAM" AND NOT "GREY-M"! Having their seminar with Roger Charti- head of Google HR, reminds us of the one fatal flaw in their boys plan: they don't have email!

1 seminar in and the boys fail miserably, that night they plan on convincing the other to team, but become part of a team of Misfits.
And People say Nerds have no social prejudice?

So Mentored by Google P.R. Lyle, a Whigger, we also meet Mama's Boy YoYo Stand-offish Prodigy Stewart  and Token Latino Ava, who will also be the Jailbeat in the inevitable Vaughn and Wilson Wild Party Scene. Evil Brit GrahamNotGRAM! Cherrypicks the best students for his team.

So instead of listening to a seminar on Assignment on making Google Translate better (which is why it sucks!), Billy finds out Lyle has a crush on a dance teacher who works on google. Nick chats up the HR Woman and breaks out his "'Allo Gov'nur", only for the woman to reveal she's Australian!
BOOM!
DO YOU NEED SOME VASELINE?  FOR THAT BURN?
1st assignment, to rectify 200 lines of code that has a bug. It's become clear that they know nothing, mixing up the word "bug"...with the word "password". The other team members get so pissed off by the 2 bozos harping on about the human factor then they say...get this!... that they should ask the programmer himself, so the team tells them that "Charles Xavier" wrote the program, ending with the two
Goms getting a punch to the knob each from a wheelchair bound man!

GROIN ATTACK COUNTER:2

At Lunch, Team SayMyNameRightOrI'llHoldAGrudgeBecauseOfIt win the first challenge and continue to brag about winning at sports day. Billy brags about being sporty...Until it's revealed to be Quidditch! It's a filler scene, so here's the short version, team GrahamNotGRAM! Are winning Billy uses flash dance as a motivational speech, Team Lyle nearly win but GrahamNotGram has a evil gambit resulting in...
GROIN ATTACK COUNTER: 5

Nick tries asking Dana out again, but this time she's almost insulted that Nick is implying that Google is talking prominence over her personal life. Roger is not impressed by Billy Eating the Free Cafe Out of it's stock.

It's the night of the App Challenge: After the tedious "on-the-line" "joke" that made the trailer for his film, The salesmen call out the teams cynical view of the world leading us to-YOU GUESSED IT! THE WILSON/VAUGHN FILM WILD PARTY SCENE!
Turns out the dancer that Lyle has a crush on turns out to be a "DANCER" Here at the club. Billy's advice is to talk to the working stripper who just bolted when she saw people who recognised her. By the Way, Billy is Drunk, so this wouldn't have being the best advice!

So Despite that Brainfart, Lyle and Martina hit it off very well, I'm just waiting for the bit that bites them all in the ass!

...Until they get into a barfight with your stereotypical Jackass-The Film spares me from making the joke that the Guy Looks like Biff Tannen, With YoYo screaming "Don't mess with Google Interns, Bitch!" as they are carried out
BINGO! THAT'LL DO IT!
....Turns out that getting drunk has giving them the perfect idea: A security lock that stops DrunkDialing by asking Math questions! Despite only a minor case of the assbites, The DrunkDialing App outsells GrahamNotGRAM'S app by 300 sales, the team goes from strength to strength coming out of their shells as the boys finally get e-mail accounts, and Nick has a hot date with Dana!

Come on film!
Too much success, not enough drama, can you at least do something With Graham that's more evil than antagonising his fat teammate?

....Seemingly hearing my wishes, Graham,NOTGRAM! tells Billy that he knows about the lies, but rather see that Roger kick him and Nick out, he lets Billy Marinate in Self Doubt.

The Next Challenge is Manning the Google Hotline, the guys tell Billy that he cannot bullshit like he use to do selling watches on this one!

Dana falls for nick over dinner, thus clouding her judgment in a few weeks when the jobs are being announced!
Billy is struggling until Tom Gadi (who i thought when writing this 1st draft was Jack Osbourne!) appears and helps him, reminding him that he has a way, with people-a "lost art"

With that advice, Billy uses his personailty as a salesman and what he learned into a winning formula, whilst Graham just drones on with his Cieri Voice. Only for Billy Not to have pressed record. He had let Graham get in his head and he sabotaged himself like he always did, Causing Bill to quit team Lyle to rejoin Sam in a shady Motor-scooter scheme...And It could have come at a worse time as the challenge is a sales pitch, so instead of the logical answer of Nick staying behind to help the team, The other salesman ditches the team with no life experience to get the slightly better salesman back!

Turns out the Shady Motor-Scooter scheme is just that... Rent scooters to very aged, wait for them to die, make the family cough up money to remove a scooter they don't need, give it a tune up and sell rarely used motor-scooters...with all the granny-banging that would make Harry Styles Blush! But Nick has arrived and saved him like Billy saved him earlier-And he returns to make a winning sales pitch.

So Let's Finish This!
Team Lyle has failed to return but as soon as Roger goes to announce the winner, Google gets hacked by a rick roll of What a Feeling and a cartoon of Team Lyle who arrive with pizza from the pizzeria they convinced in the sales pitch, Roger recalulates the scores, since the announcement was being made at the end of work hours anyway, Meaning Team Lyle has won the internship, GrahamNOTGRAM! protests that Billy and Nick are Cons, only for Tom Gadi to reveal his character to be the Google America Majority shareholder, thus having final say, and it wouldn't be a Vaughn/Wilson Film if the evil prick didn't close his final scene with an "amusing" Injury
GROIN ATTACK COUNTER: 6
Dana kisses Nick, Yoyo stands up to his mother, Lyle Pulls Martina, Stewart pulls Eva and so the film ends with Nick and Billy gifting each other with Champagne.

GIVE IT UP BOYS, YOU'RE TOO OLD, AND YET, NOT OLD ENOUGH!

OK,obvivous bug-bear, Vaughn and Wilson are young enough to be apart of the original Internet Wave in the 90's and whildt this film would have worked with older actors-Billy Crystal and Kurtwood Smith as a deadpan, "It woluld loose the plot-advancing wild party scene. But at 40, the trademark of the duo is becoming less believeable, and are both 1 grey hair away from Annoying Talking Animal duty in the next disney film. Also Annoying is the reason why Graham is your villain -in a competition against 1000s only 1 guy singles you out-because you where the 1st yanks to mispronounce Graham? If i got angry with every non-Irish that mispronunanced my name, my garden would look like 10 Remington Place! Just Sayin'! Also you can't overlook the fact that this film is nothing more than a advertisement for Google!

In the End, The Internship, This film made me smile a few times. Not a Complete Loss, Still a Loss, Though!

CREDITS
The Internship was reviewed, compiled and Edited by EamonnNOTARMOND! Bermingham
With Music
Communication Breakdown by Led Zeppelin
The Internship was Produced by 20th century fox. All rights reserved.
All clips belong to their respective owners
Follow me on Twitter at @RealEnli

NEXT MONTH: REPLACE ROCK WITH THE VOICE OF MATER, AND REPLACE JULIE ANDREWS WITH A CHILD, AND EXPECT THE SAME FILM? YOU HAVE YOUR SHITE!
NEXT MONTH WE REVIEW TOOTH FAIRY 2!
 

episode 90: Eamonn Reviews the Marine 3

 (This months theme, this song sums up the IWC'S Feelings about the Miz nicely!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8ekz_CSBVg
(We open on a battlefield outside of Casa Di Culchie Joe-Jack and 80's Lad are holed up in a trench as tentacled, giant aliens are blasting the Irish countryside with lazers)

DUUUDDDE!, how are we holding up?
Not very well at all. If only Eamonn would arrive!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
(Eamonn stood there, untouched by battle, holding a brown takeaway bag)
AH, DERE YA IS! IT'S May, so we started with out you!
-Start what?
 -Da final chapter ov da storyline.
-But we abandoned the storyline!

WHAT?
WHAT?
(ALIEN GIBBERISH THAT TRANSLATES INTO "WHAT?")
Yeah, reaching 100 is and has been an event in itself, so we don't have a big finale this year. Sorry!
 Oh. Well this is awkward! OK Squid-Dudes. You heard the guy, go home to your own dimension.
Ya gud war  everyone! Sorry for throwing ammonia on your queen t'make ye boyz fight us!
 BY THE SEAS OF OUR ANCESTORS, WE WILL HAVE OUR REVENGE!
-OH YA! OI LIOKE T'SEE YA TRY!
(AND NOW, OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!)

Up to this point, I kept bogger box office and enlightened towers separate. Admit it, you never heard of it.

So most of you have never heard of Mike "The Miz" Mizainin, Or GOBSHITE FROM MTV as I call him!

In 2004, the MTV Muppet was announced as a contestant on on million dollar tough enough-YES his induction into wrestling wasn't blood line, or passion, but the need to embezzle TAX FREE money from the wwe.

Miz's career has been torturous to watch, seeing this chimp-faced moron struggle to clothesline properly, and some how winning titles.

So with all things Sharp and Poisonous removed from my house, and the laces gone from my shoes so I don't hang myself, this is Marine 3: Homefront.

Okay, DVD Player on, Support British Film Industry Ad, Anti-Piracy Ad and Fox's Own Studio Ident and Blue-Ray ad straight to the main menu which is a static screenshot of American flag and no Music or Logo to tell what the film is.

Well, this film has set the bar low!
I haven't had this low expectations since we reviewed Behind Enemy Lines: Columbia!

We open to the small town of Bridgeton in the State of Washington as Miz supplies the Narrative.
"19 years old, I decided to do something with my Life!"
...."Instead i went and made a mockery of the sport I claim to love!"
"At first i started working on the Lumber mill."
"That is until that Sheriff Vaughn Killed that Casino Manager!"
"So I enlisted in the Marine Corps."

10 years and a montage of Found Footage later, Jake Carter (MIZ) returns home. His Friend Hark is now a cop and after some gentle Ribbing, he brings Jake back home in the outskirts of town. There was some attempt of exposition, but the sound of the car motor made it hard to listen to-but i got the gist of it!-One of Jake's Sisters is called Lily, she's looking for a job, despite being a wild child and she has either told someone called Christie Or "Crestly" to "GO FUCK HIMSELF!"-For some Reason!

And we Cut to this reported Wild-Child...baking Apple Pie and Cookies!
BAKED CONFECTIONS!
(TAKES OF SHIRT LIKE MUSCLE MAN AND SWINGS IT!)
WOOOOOOOOOO!

She and her other sister, Amanda have made a barbeque, turns out they have being struggling financially and Crestly is a big Deal in this town.

We cut to Seattle as ideological bank robbers burn an entire vaults worth of cash!

But nevermind anything that resembles an action Film, lets go back to the soap opera as Jake meets Lily's boyfriend a drug-dealer called Daryll, played by Not-Shia-LaBouef!

We cut back to the bankrobbers, in their dock hideout, their leader Thaddeus Pope, is told that the summit is moved to tomorrow. Later that night One of robbers starts a fight with Jake's friend, and the Marine knocks his ass out! to the disgust of everyone, especially Lily who was drinking at the bar.

So Jake is arrested, but Hark pulls a few strings to get Jake of the hook, but Naturally berates the Marine not to put the law into his own hands-DESPITE THAT'S THE WHOLE PREMISE OF THIS FRANCHISE! Next day Lily and Guido McWeasel are having beers in a junkyard in the same yard, the bankrobbers deal with a greedy Arms dealer. Screaming after seeing Pope off the dealer, Lily and Daryll are kidnapped.
and WELCOME EVERYONE! TO TEN-A-PENNY ACTION THEATRE!

SOblah-blah, My Sister got kidnapped ,blah-blah, It wasn't her fault, blah-blah, I'm gonna make these guys pay-BLAH BLAH, FUCKING BLAH!

Armed with a Pump action, Jake rescues Daryll and then overpowers two goons with a hip toss (when was the last time you saw Miz doing a hip Toss...PROPERLY?) The FBI become involved.In the docks, popes men are dressed as cops with convincing fake police car. Pope nearly kills his Lancer because of his own Paranoia, he then sits himself Down to brainwash Lily about his twisted world view.

FORESHADOWING!

Lily gets' rescued by a fed, as the rest of them surround the docks. An agitated Jake gets rearrested, Daryl and Lily are reunited, But the FBI are getting slaughtered by the robbers superior firepower.

In a clearing, Hark lets Jake go, returning his pistol. Clearly 40 federal agents with Howitzers and Bullet proof vests are no match for 1 man with a pistol 1 round of bullets in Street clothes. Back on the docks, The agent that rescued the couple is killed, Lily is re-kidnapped but Daryll holds his own.

With Lily recaptured, Pope seemingly surrenders but not the feds, to the state police-but remember, his gang had fake state police uniforms and a fake police car! after offing the policeman and switching the plates, Jake is going Time Crisis on the gang's asses, ducking and shooting every mook in his path.

Jake finds Daryll. Lily overhears Popes plan to blow up HSNB-I MEAN GENERIC NAME FINANCE COMPANY In Seattle. Jake makes his presence known but is attacked with a crowbar, Pope, His Lancer, and Lily are put in the cop-car and are Driving with a Bomb to Seattle.

So lets finish this!
Jake Begrudgingly accepts Daryl, we have a car chase, Pope arms the Bomb, Lancer dies, Pope dies with little hype whatsoever, Jake drives the bomb into the Lumbermill in Bridgeton, therefore making it dramatic/ten times worse. and so everyone celebrate this tramatic event that bought them Closer together!
THIS FILM IS SO GENERIC, IT WOULD HAVE TO HAVE ORIGINAL IDEAS TO MAKE IT SUCK!

Like anything involving Miz, I had low expectations and was still disappointed. Generic script, General action plot, the thing looks like it being shot on a shoestring and it shows: No-one actors and Found Footage. 

My advice?
Read or watch the films that i reviewed previously, they mostly suck, but at least they are memborable!

CREDITS
Marine 3: Homefront was reviewed, edited and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With music by:
3 DAYS GRACE: I Hate Everything About You
Marine 3 was produced by WWE Films and distributed by 20th Century Fox. All Clips belong to their respected Owners. All rights reserved.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @RealEnli

NEXT MONTH: EPISODE 91: VINCE VAUGHN AND OWEN WILSON SHOW THEIR AGE, BUT HAVE THE SLACKERS MATURED WITH AGE, OR GOT OLD DISGRACEFULLY? FIND OUT AS WE REVIEW, THE INTERNSHIP!

EPISODE 89: EAMONN REVIEWS THE GOLDEN COMPASS PART 2

(This months theme-to fight against the depressing themes therein-this video is your safeword)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3m2rgbEj64
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!....
RELIGION IS BAD AND IF YOU FOLLOW A RELIGION, YOU ARE BAD, NO EXCUSES! ACCORDING TO OVERBEARING ATHEIST ASSHAT, PHILLIP PULLMAN, WHO GIVE LAWFUL GOOD ATHEISTS LIKE YOURS TRULY A BAD NAME! Welcome to the World of his dark materials, a world where people's souls are their own entities,the existance of Dust is a conspiracy, and a thinly veiled stab at the Vatican are your evil childsnatching villains!

We begin again with Lyra, a spoiled unlikable rich child who because of prophecy, is the only 1 who can save her world, without humility whatsoever, boards an Airship with Nicole Kidman's Mrs Coulter, who is certainly not a villain!, As it flies over a steampunk version of London, Lyra asks what is the Magisterium, exactly-only for Coulter to flatly tell her it's a dictatorship!

"We don't tell people what to do forcefully, we tell them what to do nicely!"

1) For A spy, you just blew your cover, by referring to the enemy as "we" and not "they!" 2) oh, by nicely, you mean giving those Native Americans those nice blankets with smallpox to steal their nice gold and cause a nice genocide?

So after a party where Lyra starts to Parrot Coulter, Lyra speaks of dust, putting Coulter in a Silent Rage
"there are things you don't speak of-things that may Offend me!
-"Like my performance in Far And Away-I worked hard on that Irish Accent!"

So they have an argument over a petty thing like a handbag-where afterwards Coulter goes all predatory and asks the girl, aged 12, to kiss her!

Okay Coulter from now on you are called...BITCH NUN!


Hiding in her office, they realise that Obvious Villain is Obviously up to something!, checking her papers it turns out that she is in Charge of G.O.B-LIN Meaning it is an acronym for General Oblation Board LINITED!

B-COZ PUR LITRA-C....MAYCES PUR AKWONIMS!

So bitch Nun's Monkey finds the Golden Compass, Lyra and pan escape but are stuck in London, as the goblins (yes i know they are men all the long, but they work for company called goblin!) are looking for her, but she is rescued by the Gypsies who are looking for Billy and Roger, who bring her to see King John Faah, the king of the gypsies. 

On a Egyptian Longboat, we met Lord Faah, the chieftains of the 7 families as well as a scholar, Friar Decorum, who tells Lyra how to read the compass, on the circumference are symbols and 3 hands on the compass-using simple similes and analogies of the symbols, the dust inside shows her a vision as the 3 hands point to 1 symbol-a spent egg-timer with a skull on it!
FORESHADOWING!

Meanwhile, in a secret laboratory, The kidnapped children are being forced to write letters to there parents, Billy refusing only makes the nurse more insulting!
-"Oh, don't they teach Gypsies how to write?"
-"AW WHAT WRONG? Doesn't the little Pikey-Wikey know how to Write, Ah you gonna cry, you little ginger donkey-f****r?, bet you where stealing before you were calling the uncle who knocked up you mother-"Dada"!

Outside the Factory, as it's being called, Friar Pablo and Bitch Nun discuss Lyra's journey to the North Pole, so they open a briefcase to reveal syringes made to look like Bees
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tmxfZGkfByE
In Skalbard, Iceland, Bond-I Mean Azrael is attacked and captured by S.P.E.C.T.R.E -I Mean G.O.B.LIN. On the boat the 2 Mechanical bees (MY GOD!) attack Lyra but she captures 1, Fr. Decorum sealing it in a sweet tin, says that the sting is filled with sleep potion. The girl asks why she is being targeted.

Maybe because you are a spoiled rich girl who gets everything she asks for, only for you also get this nice trinket that only you can wield because of some prophecy than made you the chosen one! MAYBE THAT MIGHT BE THE REASON?
Anyway conveniently, the factory is also in Skalbard, a Visit from a Witch doing a Diddly-EYE OIRISH Accent (Eva Green) tells her the Factory in Bolvanger is called Gottardam and is guarded by the Regiment of Tartarus!
YAY! MORE FORESHADOWING OF GRIEF AND DEATH!

The Gypsy Ship stops in Norway, I mean Noroway if the ham playing the witch was anything to go by. Lyra mets an American called Lee Scorsby, an aeronaut, who came to "help his friend out of a jam!" he offers his services as Bolvanger is inland, and those of a armoured bear, who frequents the local tavern.

So Yorrick the Bear (Ian McKellan) is now a bear who gets paid in whiskey, when he came to the human town he was given demons to play with but his armour was stolen, shaming his species' warrior Spirit...
"War is my Water I swim, It's the Earth I Stand on! My Armour is...was...My Soul!...Like Your (Lyra) Demon is Your Soul....It'll be like Replacing Him(Pan) With a Doll!"

So A Bear's Armour is made of "Sky-Iron"- Meteorites-so not enough to make a new armour -but Lyra has a vision on who stole his armour- and wouldn't you know it?-the Not-Catholic Church is the source of all evil doing!

WAIT, WHAT?
If your whole church is based on not letting A little girl unify the bears against you, I'd make it my business to blow so much smoke up their asses that they will never think of betraying you! Just Sayin'!

So the Drunk Bear regains his Armour, as The NOT-POPE! Tells Frair Pablo to have his "Improvements" ready for his arrival

Camping at a Frozen Lake, Lyra gets a message for the Compass, that frightens her
"Disney Interactive is Making a Marvel Fighting Game? NOOOOOOOOO!"
OF COURSE NOT!
It's witches gathering towards Gotterdam, Yorick says he's not sure what side the witches are on.

In Lyra's vision, an abandoned shack was shown, this building's presence makes Pan fear for his life, but the girl ventures forth. Inside is Billy but his demon is gone.

It's clear what the Inoculation is, the Church are killing the souls of children!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVGNJvWnG5E
-But it's a trap-as Goblin kidnap Lyra but instead hand them over to Ragna, King of The Ice Bears. using the info dump of ice bear king's jealousy of Human Demons, Lyra calls herself Yorick's demon causing Ragna to challenge him to mortal combat, which ends with Yorick punching the bottom jaw straight off Ragna's Face!

Y'KNOW FOR KIDS!

That night, Lyra enters Gotterdam with subterfuge, she finds Roger and tells him to get all the child extras who are seemingly happy to be kidnapped and experimented on by The evil church ready to escape. Lyra needs a room to communicate with the compass, once more but stumbles into meeting with the staff and Bitch Nun! she brags about Azrael being captured and being sentenced to death, but is upset about this facility! the Doctors brag about how much Bitch Nun Loves to see the souls ripped apart, leads to Lyra to be captured and flung into the soul Killing Machine! Until Bitch Nun has a face turn!

Lyra wakes in Coulter's chambers with Pan alive and Well, Bitch Nun leads off this long spiel about the inoculation against Dust-
"When a Demon settles into it's final form, the dust also settle on him. and that's when all the wicked thoughts and bad feelings start to form in the mind!"

So-It's become clear what Dust is in this world-Turns out it's not Particles and therefore science-it's Sin! A demon is a soul/conscience and is made of Dust, and it's when it gets old enough it convinces people to try drink, drugs and other adult pleasures!

WHAT SIDE ARE YOU ON, MR PULLMAN?
AFTER SEVENTY MINUTES OF "RELIGION IS BAD M'KAY?" YOU ARE GOING TO INCORPORATE BASIC KABALLAH INTO YOUR STORY? BY SAYING THAT THE SOUL IS NOTHING MORE THAN A QLIPPOTH, OR DISTRACTION FROM DOING THE RIGHT THING? Oh an it gets worse, as We are doing Luke I Am your father, with a woman who acted predatory towards the main ever since part 1 of this film, and Azrael is her father, But Coulter frees the Travel sweet tin that had the Deadly Bee Weapon(MY GOD!) As Lyra destroys the Silver Guillotine

So lets Wrap this Up!
All the kids escaped as Gotterdam is being engulfed in flames, As Lee, Yorick, The Witches and The Gypsies have an epic battle on behalf of a child who splits before getting her hands dirty... seriously it's like she went...
"okay i did my little job of destroying one Soul Killing Machine, despite this world wide organisation possibly having more facilities across the world, Now it's your turn people and animals, to put your life on the line for an arrogant child, you just met less than a week ago! CHOSEN ONE, OUT!

After decimating all of Tartarus Army, Lee and The Witch has a conversation about a prophecy here is the full line from Eva Green, Phonetically written in her Martina Sirkis-esque Brogue:
"As much as ye be avoidin' dis war, misser Scorsby, Dis War will be ya WAR ASWELL!  YE ARE friens wif the BEHS! Ye Must tell de BEHS!,DAT DIS IZNT OV-AH!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kONmDCla6Nc

HOLY MARY, MOTHER OF GOD, THAT DOESN'T EXIST! THIS FILM SUCKS!
IT'S SHITE!
BUT IT'S NICE LOOKING SHITE!
I'll give you that the cinematography is beautiful! But that's where all the compliments stop. Sure it's all-star cast, but so was Love Actually, and i tore into that Christmas turkey famously a few years back! Eva Green's Human Hallmark Paddy's Day Card accent did not impress, the script was just filled with dread and hate. For a Kids Film!, No Levity was there to counteract the violence, cruelty and malevolent tones of speech from our bad guys, which would only upset the young audience! okay, Harry Potter killed voldemort for the 1st time in his first outing but you had levity up to that point and afterwards, here it's end scene is a precursor to a war that "will be everyone's"! yay!

In Ending, Golden Compass, Nothing More than Phillip Pullman getting butthurt over Narnia's very subtle anology's to religion, I only wished he had Lewis' subtlety!

CREDITS
The Golden Compass was Reviewed, Edited in 2 parts and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With clips and Music from
In Part 1
Weird Al-Everything You Know is Wrong
And Part 2
Atop The 4TH Wall
The Daily Show With John Stewart
The Country Bears
and Always Look On the Bright Side Of Life from Monty Python-Life of Brian!
The Golden Compass was distributed by entertainment in Video.All Rights Reserved
All clips belong to their respected owners!

Follow me on Twitter @RealEnli

NEXT MONTH: SOME BIRTHDAY PRESENT! EAMONN'S 2 BLOGGING WORLDS COLLIDE AS HE REVIEWS THE MARINE 3!

EPISODE 88: Eamonn reviews The Golden Compass Part 1

(If only there was a song that sums up Phillip Pullman's overbearing atheist beliefs in this film-then it hit me!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KThlYHfIVa8
So Here it is.
THE ULTIMATE FAILED POTTER KILLER, A BOOK FRANCHISE THAT DIED AFTER 1 FILM, THAT SPARKED 1 IRISH MIRROR WRITER TO CALL IT "ATHIEST PROPERGANDA" AND MASS CINEMA BOYCOTTS IN THE BIBLE BELT, THIS 1 ONE HAS BEING ON MY LIST SINCE DAY 1, THIS IS THE GOLDEN COMPASS.

We start with a narrative by Nicole Kidman who tells us that story is set in a different world where souls are unabashfuly called demons, witch's are real, Dust is a magical substance and James Bond would so much cooler if he had a pet leopard!

We also learn of the eponymous Golden Compass, Devices that reveal secrets and actually tell the future, but the evil Majesterium aka the NOT-VATICAN! Destroyed all but 1

We cut to actors too posh to convincingly play gypsies, where we meet our hero Lyra (Dakota Blue Phillips) Playing tag with gypsy children only to make out the gate of her college is cursed, so no one from the college will see her talking to Gypsies!

OUR HEROINE, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN!
A posh elitist, who betrays her poor but genuine friends easily for social standing!

On the other side of Oxford, Daniel Craig's Character of Lord Azrael Unpronounceable! (I'm not even gonna try) enters a room at the college and uncovers a Amber Spyglass

DUN DUN D-OESN'T EVEN AMOUNT TO A SEQUEL!

So we learn more about Lyra, an orphan who only surviving relative is Lord Azrael. She has a demon called Pan (voice of Freddie Highmore) all demons can transform to any animal but mostly he takes the form of a weasel! every person shares a symbiotic link to their demon, they share it's pain and contact with your hand to a demon causes pain or even Death!

Which means that people should be dying left right and centre, since you showed demons turning in common animals in the opening, what's stopping people from petting a dog or riding a horse and then dying, having established in the Gypsy camp that dogs and horse exist in this world also? What about cows and pigs? what if you accidentally kill and eat a demon? what happens then?

Sneaking into a room where a teacher is telling a Majesterium that he has no derestriction here, Lyra and Pan sees the Evil Tool from the Evil Church Of Evil spiking a decanter of wine as Uncle Azrael (Craig) enters, Lyra saves her only living relation and Azrael tells here to hide once more when he sees the wine getting discoloured by the substance.

Lord Azrael is an explorer who has returned from the Arctic. He shows his the school staff a photo of the Northern Lights, the northern lights is made of dust in this world and this dust is the intangible window into our world. Azrael hypothesizes that there are other worlds, all free from the Majesterium. This causes Friar Pablo to get angry and call Azrael a heretic.

Later on Azrael scolds Lyra for what she did, but he's not too hard on her what with that tiny detail of saving his life from being poisoned by the guy i seen many times before typecasted as a Nazi!, But gets angry when Lyra asks about dust, But when Azrael changes the subject on why Pan hasn't settled on a form yet! i suppose that's their way of trying to explain why people haven't died petting dogs that are really demons, she deduces though that Dust is the reason children's demons can change and adults lose that power.

On the Roof of the college, Roger tells Lyra that children are going missing because of goblins and the Magisterium is covering it up.

....AND I CAN NOW SEE why Many Catholics got upset with this film-you just went from archaic beliefs, blacklisting, censorship and quickly into the realm of Pedophilia. No wonder this film has a 12 rating in Ireland!

At the college Mess, a dinner for the expedition to the North is arranged. Slinking into view is Mrs Coulter (Nicole Kidman) her very presence confounds and frightens the professors. Sitting to next to Lyra and infodumping some foreshadowing about the ice bears, Mrs Coulter asks the master of the College to make the girl her proxy on the expedition to the north, Promising to "deal" with Azrael as under the table Coulters Monkey is hurting Pan
FORESHADOWING!

Outside Oxford's Walls Roger and Billy and plan to steal a scholar's cape, Coulter's Monkey grabs Billy's demon and starts to choke. Roger turns to get help but is stopped by something emitting a green light off camera.

Oh my god, The Incredible Hulk got him!

We cut to NOT-Vatican city and why are the church so evil-BECAUSE THE NOT-POPE IS THE MASTER (Derek Jacobi) AND HIS NOT-CARDINAL IS COUNT DOOKU (Christopher Lee), THAT'S WHY!

They reveal their plan to inoculate(read: brainwash) all the children into dumbfucks that believe fairy stories about talking snakes and every animal in existence can fit on a boat! Ok that last statement was abrasive but that's Phillip Pullman attitude to religion he had written into this story-  their is no good Catholics and no bad Gypsies or scholars-their is no middle ground-the prevailing philosophy in this film-if you in believe in a God, then you also support atrocities made in that God's name! we also learn that Coulter is indeed a villain.

Afraid of Mrs Coulter, the Master of the college, gives Lyra the eponymous Golden Gompass, explaining that she must never let Mrs Coulter see it-Despite her knowing already about because of prophecy or some shit!

WILL LYRA SAVE HER WORLD?
WHAT PLANS DOES THE GOBLINS HAVE FOR THE KIDNAPPED KIDS?
WHAT MORE VILE HATEFUL DOULBLETALK HAS PULLMAN SLIPPED FROM HIS PEN?

YOU CAN ONLY FIND OUT NEXT MONTH AS THE ROAD TO 100 CONTINUES, ONLY ON BOGGERBOXOFFICE!