EPISODE 89: EAMONN REVIEWS THE GOLDEN COMPASS PART 2

(This months theme-to fight against the depressing themes therein-this video is your safeword)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3m2rgbEj64
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!....
RELIGION IS BAD AND IF YOU FOLLOW A RELIGION, YOU ARE BAD, NO EXCUSES! ACCORDING TO OVERBEARING ATHEIST ASSHAT, PHILLIP PULLMAN, WHO GIVE LAWFUL GOOD ATHEISTS LIKE YOURS TRULY A BAD NAME! Welcome to the World of his dark materials, a world where people's souls are their own entities,the existance of Dust is a conspiracy, and a thinly veiled stab at the Vatican are your evil childsnatching villains!

We begin again with Lyra, a spoiled unlikable rich child who because of prophecy, is the only 1 who can save her world, without humility whatsoever, boards an Airship with Nicole Kidman's Mrs Coulter, who is certainly not a villain!, As it flies over a steampunk version of London, Lyra asks what is the Magisterium, exactly-only for Coulter to flatly tell her it's a dictatorship!

"We don't tell people what to do forcefully, we tell them what to do nicely!"

1) For A spy, you just blew your cover, by referring to the enemy as "we" and not "they!" 2) oh, by nicely, you mean giving those Native Americans those nice blankets with smallpox to steal their nice gold and cause a nice genocide?

So after a party where Lyra starts to Parrot Coulter, Lyra speaks of dust, putting Coulter in a Silent Rage
"there are things you don't speak of-things that may Offend me!
-"Like my performance in Far And Away-I worked hard on that Irish Accent!"

So they have an argument over a petty thing like a handbag-where afterwards Coulter goes all predatory and asks the girl, aged 12, to kiss her!

Okay Coulter from now on you are called...BITCH NUN!


Hiding in her office, they realise that Obvious Villain is Obviously up to something!, checking her papers it turns out that she is in Charge of G.O.B-LIN Meaning it is an acronym for General Oblation Board LINITED!

B-COZ PUR LITRA-C....MAYCES PUR AKWONIMS!

So bitch Nun's Monkey finds the Golden Compass, Lyra and pan escape but are stuck in London, as the goblins (yes i know they are men all the long, but they work for company called goblin!) are looking for her, but she is rescued by the Gypsies who are looking for Billy and Roger, who bring her to see King John Faah, the king of the gypsies. 

On a Egyptian Longboat, we met Lord Faah, the chieftains of the 7 families as well as a scholar, Friar Decorum, who tells Lyra how to read the compass, on the circumference are symbols and 3 hands on the compass-using simple similes and analogies of the symbols, the dust inside shows her a vision as the 3 hands point to 1 symbol-a spent egg-timer with a skull on it!
FORESHADOWING!

Meanwhile, in a secret laboratory, The kidnapped children are being forced to write letters to there parents, Billy refusing only makes the nurse more insulting!
-"Oh, don't they teach Gypsies how to write?"
-"AW WHAT WRONG? Doesn't the little Pikey-Wikey know how to Write, Ah you gonna cry, you little ginger donkey-f****r?, bet you where stealing before you were calling the uncle who knocked up you mother-"Dada"!

Outside the Factory, as it's being called, Friar Pablo and Bitch Nun discuss Lyra's journey to the North Pole, so they open a briefcase to reveal syringes made to look like Bees
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tmxfZGkfByE
In Skalbard, Iceland, Bond-I Mean Azrael is attacked and captured by S.P.E.C.T.R.E -I Mean G.O.B.LIN. On the boat the 2 Mechanical bees (MY GOD!) attack Lyra but she captures 1, Fr. Decorum sealing it in a sweet tin, says that the sting is filled with sleep potion. The girl asks why she is being targeted.

Maybe because you are a spoiled rich girl who gets everything she asks for, only for you also get this nice trinket that only you can wield because of some prophecy than made you the chosen one! MAYBE THAT MIGHT BE THE REASON?
Anyway conveniently, the factory is also in Skalbard, a Visit from a Witch doing a Diddly-EYE OIRISH Accent (Eva Green) tells her the Factory in Bolvanger is called Gottardam and is guarded by the Regiment of Tartarus!
YAY! MORE FORESHADOWING OF GRIEF AND DEATH!

The Gypsy Ship stops in Norway, I mean Noroway if the ham playing the witch was anything to go by. Lyra mets an American called Lee Scorsby, an aeronaut, who came to "help his friend out of a jam!" he offers his services as Bolvanger is inland, and those of a armoured bear, who frequents the local tavern.

So Yorrick the Bear (Ian McKellan) is now a bear who gets paid in whiskey, when he came to the human town he was given demons to play with but his armour was stolen, shaming his species' warrior Spirit...
"War is my Water I swim, It's the Earth I Stand on! My Armour is...was...My Soul!...Like Your (Lyra) Demon is Your Soul....It'll be like Replacing Him(Pan) With a Doll!"

So A Bear's Armour is made of "Sky-Iron"- Meteorites-so not enough to make a new armour -but Lyra has a vision on who stole his armour- and wouldn't you know it?-the Not-Catholic Church is the source of all evil doing!

WAIT, WHAT?
If your whole church is based on not letting A little girl unify the bears against you, I'd make it my business to blow so much smoke up their asses that they will never think of betraying you! Just Sayin'!

So the Drunk Bear regains his Armour, as The NOT-POPE! Tells Frair Pablo to have his "Improvements" ready for his arrival

Camping at a Frozen Lake, Lyra gets a message for the Compass, that frightens her
"Disney Interactive is Making a Marvel Fighting Game? NOOOOOOOOO!"
OF COURSE NOT!
It's witches gathering towards Gotterdam, Yorick says he's not sure what side the witches are on.

In Lyra's vision, an abandoned shack was shown, this building's presence makes Pan fear for his life, but the girl ventures forth. Inside is Billy but his demon is gone.

It's clear what the Inoculation is, the Church are killing the souls of children!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVGNJvWnG5E
-But it's a trap-as Goblin kidnap Lyra but instead hand them over to Ragna, King of The Ice Bears. using the info dump of ice bear king's jealousy of Human Demons, Lyra calls herself Yorick's demon causing Ragna to challenge him to mortal combat, which ends with Yorick punching the bottom jaw straight off Ragna's Face!

Y'KNOW FOR KIDS!

That night, Lyra enters Gotterdam with subterfuge, she finds Roger and tells him to get all the child extras who are seemingly happy to be kidnapped and experimented on by The evil church ready to escape. Lyra needs a room to communicate with the compass, once more but stumbles into meeting with the staff and Bitch Nun! she brags about Azrael being captured and being sentenced to death, but is upset about this facility! the Doctors brag about how much Bitch Nun Loves to see the souls ripped apart, leads to Lyra to be captured and flung into the soul Killing Machine! Until Bitch Nun has a face turn!

Lyra wakes in Coulter's chambers with Pan alive and Well, Bitch Nun leads off this long spiel about the inoculation against Dust-
"When a Demon settles into it's final form, the dust also settle on him. and that's when all the wicked thoughts and bad feelings start to form in the mind!"

So-It's become clear what Dust is in this world-Turns out it's not Particles and therefore science-it's Sin! A demon is a soul/conscience and is made of Dust, and it's when it gets old enough it convinces people to try drink, drugs and other adult pleasures!

WHAT SIDE ARE YOU ON, MR PULLMAN?
AFTER SEVENTY MINUTES OF "RELIGION IS BAD M'KAY?" YOU ARE GOING TO INCORPORATE BASIC KABALLAH INTO YOUR STORY? BY SAYING THAT THE SOUL IS NOTHING MORE THAN A QLIPPOTH, OR DISTRACTION FROM DOING THE RIGHT THING? Oh an it gets worse, as We are doing Luke I Am your father, with a woman who acted predatory towards the main ever since part 1 of this film, and Azrael is her father, But Coulter frees the Travel sweet tin that had the Deadly Bee Weapon(MY GOD!) As Lyra destroys the Silver Guillotine

So lets Wrap this Up!
All the kids escaped as Gotterdam is being engulfed in flames, As Lee, Yorick, The Witches and The Gypsies have an epic battle on behalf of a child who splits before getting her hands dirty... seriously it's like she went...
"okay i did my little job of destroying one Soul Killing Machine, despite this world wide organisation possibly having more facilities across the world, Now it's your turn people and animals, to put your life on the line for an arrogant child, you just met less than a week ago! CHOSEN ONE, OUT!

After decimating all of Tartarus Army, Lee and The Witch has a conversation about a prophecy here is the full line from Eva Green, Phonetically written in her Martina Sirkis-esque Brogue:
"As much as ye be avoidin' dis war, misser Scorsby, Dis War will be ya WAR ASWELL!  YE ARE friens wif the BEHS! Ye Must tell de BEHS!,DAT DIS IZNT OV-AH!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kONmDCla6Nc

HOLY MARY, MOTHER OF GOD, THAT DOESN'T EXIST! THIS FILM SUCKS!
IT'S SHITE!
BUT IT'S NICE LOOKING SHITE!
I'll give you that the cinematography is beautiful! But that's where all the compliments stop. Sure it's all-star cast, but so was Love Actually, and i tore into that Christmas turkey famously a few years back! Eva Green's Human Hallmark Paddy's Day Card accent did not impress, the script was just filled with dread and hate. For a Kids Film!, No Levity was there to counteract the violence, cruelty and malevolent tones of speech from our bad guys, which would only upset the young audience! okay, Harry Potter killed voldemort for the 1st time in his first outing but you had levity up to that point and afterwards, here it's end scene is a precursor to a war that "will be everyone's"! yay!

In Ending, Golden Compass, Nothing More than Phillip Pullman getting butthurt over Narnia's very subtle anology's to religion, I only wished he had Lewis' subtlety!

CREDITS
The Golden Compass was Reviewed, Edited in 2 parts and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With clips and Music from
In Part 1
Weird Al-Everything You Know is Wrong
And Part 2
Atop The 4TH Wall
The Daily Show With John Stewart
The Country Bears
and Always Look On the Bright Side Of Life from Monty Python-Life of Brian!
The Golden Compass was distributed by entertainment in Video.All Rights Reserved
All clips belong to their respected owners!

Follow me on Twitter @RealEnli

NEXT MONTH: SOME BIRTHDAY PRESENT! EAMONN'S 2 BLOGGING WORLDS COLLIDE AS HE REVIEWS THE MARINE 3!