episode 90: Eamonn Reviews the Marine 3

 (This months theme, this song sums up the IWC'S Feelings about the Miz nicely!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8ekz_CSBVg
(We open on a battlefield outside of Casa Di Culchie Joe-Jack and 80's Lad are holed up in a trench as tentacled, giant aliens are blasting the Irish countryside with lazers)

DUUUDDDE!, how are we holding up?
Not very well at all. If only Eamonn would arrive!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
(Eamonn stood there, untouched by battle, holding a brown takeaway bag)
AH, DERE YA IS! IT'S May, so we started with out you!
-Start what?
 -Da final chapter ov da storyline.
-But we abandoned the storyline!

WHAT?
WHAT?
(ALIEN GIBBERISH THAT TRANSLATES INTO "WHAT?")
Yeah, reaching 100 is and has been an event in itself, so we don't have a big finale this year. Sorry!
 Oh. Well this is awkward! OK Squid-Dudes. You heard the guy, go home to your own dimension.
Ya gud war  everyone! Sorry for throwing ammonia on your queen t'make ye boyz fight us!
 BY THE SEAS OF OUR ANCESTORS, WE WILL HAVE OUR REVENGE!
-OH YA! OI LIOKE T'SEE YA TRY!
(AND NOW, OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!)

Up to this point, I kept bogger box office and enlightened towers separate. Admit it, you never heard of it.

So most of you have never heard of Mike "The Miz" Mizainin, Or GOBSHITE FROM MTV as I call him!

In 2004, the MTV Muppet was announced as a contestant on on million dollar tough enough-YES his induction into wrestling wasn't blood line, or passion, but the need to embezzle TAX FREE money from the wwe.

Miz's career has been torturous to watch, seeing this chimp-faced moron struggle to clothesline properly, and some how winning titles.

So with all things Sharp and Poisonous removed from my house, and the laces gone from my shoes so I don't hang myself, this is Marine 3: Homefront.

Okay, DVD Player on, Support British Film Industry Ad, Anti-Piracy Ad and Fox's Own Studio Ident and Blue-Ray ad straight to the main menu which is a static screenshot of American flag and no Music or Logo to tell what the film is.

Well, this film has set the bar low!
I haven't had this low expectations since we reviewed Behind Enemy Lines: Columbia!

We open to the small town of Bridgeton in the State of Washington as Miz supplies the Narrative.
"19 years old, I decided to do something with my Life!"
...."Instead i went and made a mockery of the sport I claim to love!"
"At first i started working on the Lumber mill."
"That is until that Sheriff Vaughn Killed that Casino Manager!"
"So I enlisted in the Marine Corps."

10 years and a montage of Found Footage later, Jake Carter (MIZ) returns home. His Friend Hark is now a cop and after some gentle Ribbing, he brings Jake back home in the outskirts of town. There was some attempt of exposition, but the sound of the car motor made it hard to listen to-but i got the gist of it!-One of Jake's Sisters is called Lily, she's looking for a job, despite being a wild child and she has either told someone called Christie Or "Crestly" to "GO FUCK HIMSELF!"-For some Reason!

And we Cut to this reported Wild-Child...baking Apple Pie and Cookies!
BAKED CONFECTIONS!
(TAKES OF SHIRT LIKE MUSCLE MAN AND SWINGS IT!)
WOOOOOOOOOO!

She and her other sister, Amanda have made a barbeque, turns out they have being struggling financially and Crestly is a big Deal in this town.

We cut to Seattle as ideological bank robbers burn an entire vaults worth of cash!

But nevermind anything that resembles an action Film, lets go back to the soap opera as Jake meets Lily's boyfriend a drug-dealer called Daryll, played by Not-Shia-LaBouef!

We cut back to the bankrobbers, in their dock hideout, their leader Thaddeus Pope, is told that the summit is moved to tomorrow. Later that night One of robbers starts a fight with Jake's friend, and the Marine knocks his ass out! to the disgust of everyone, especially Lily who was drinking at the bar.

So Jake is arrested, but Hark pulls a few strings to get Jake of the hook, but Naturally berates the Marine not to put the law into his own hands-DESPITE THAT'S THE WHOLE PREMISE OF THIS FRANCHISE! Next day Lily and Guido McWeasel are having beers in a junkyard in the same yard, the bankrobbers deal with a greedy Arms dealer. Screaming after seeing Pope off the dealer, Lily and Daryll are kidnapped.
and WELCOME EVERYONE! TO TEN-A-PENNY ACTION THEATRE!

SOblah-blah, My Sister got kidnapped ,blah-blah, It wasn't her fault, blah-blah, I'm gonna make these guys pay-BLAH BLAH, FUCKING BLAH!

Armed with a Pump action, Jake rescues Daryll and then overpowers two goons with a hip toss (when was the last time you saw Miz doing a hip Toss...PROPERLY?) The FBI become involved.In the docks, popes men are dressed as cops with convincing fake police car. Pope nearly kills his Lancer because of his own Paranoia, he then sits himself Down to brainwash Lily about his twisted world view.

FORESHADOWING!

Lily gets' rescued by a fed, as the rest of them surround the docks. An agitated Jake gets rearrested, Daryl and Lily are reunited, But the FBI are getting slaughtered by the robbers superior firepower.

In a clearing, Hark lets Jake go, returning his pistol. Clearly 40 federal agents with Howitzers and Bullet proof vests are no match for 1 man with a pistol 1 round of bullets in Street clothes. Back on the docks, The agent that rescued the couple is killed, Lily is re-kidnapped but Daryll holds his own.

With Lily recaptured, Pope seemingly surrenders but not the feds, to the state police-but remember, his gang had fake state police uniforms and a fake police car! after offing the policeman and switching the plates, Jake is going Time Crisis on the gang's asses, ducking and shooting every mook in his path.

Jake finds Daryll. Lily overhears Popes plan to blow up HSNB-I MEAN GENERIC NAME FINANCE COMPANY In Seattle. Jake makes his presence known but is attacked with a crowbar, Pope, His Lancer, and Lily are put in the cop-car and are Driving with a Bomb to Seattle.

So lets finish this!
Jake Begrudgingly accepts Daryl, we have a car chase, Pope arms the Bomb, Lancer dies, Pope dies with little hype whatsoever, Jake drives the bomb into the Lumbermill in Bridgeton, therefore making it dramatic/ten times worse. and so everyone celebrate this tramatic event that bought them Closer together!
THIS FILM IS SO GENERIC, IT WOULD HAVE TO HAVE ORIGINAL IDEAS TO MAKE IT SUCK!

Like anything involving Miz, I had low expectations and was still disappointed. Generic script, General action plot, the thing looks like it being shot on a shoestring and it shows: No-one actors and Found Footage. 

My advice?
Read or watch the films that i reviewed previously, they mostly suck, but at least they are memborable!

CREDITS
Marine 3: Homefront was reviewed, edited and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With music by:
3 DAYS GRACE: I Hate Everything About You
Marine 3 was produced by WWE Films and distributed by 20th Century Fox. All Clips belong to their respected Owners. All rights reserved.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @RealEnli

NEXT MONTH: EPISODE 91: VINCE VAUGHN AND OWEN WILSON SHOW THEIR AGE, BUT HAVE THE SLACKERS MATURED WITH AGE, OR GOT OLD DISGRACEFULLY? FIND OUT AS WE REVIEW, THE INTERNSHIP!