EPISODE 94: EAMONN REVIEWS THIS IS IT

 (THIS MONTH'S THEME-THE ENTIRE FILM!-all song available if i can find them!)
June the 25th 2009
It was a pitch black night as my hometown of Enniscorthy was preparing for its world famous strawberry fair, However, Mother Nature had other ideas. As the town was battered by a heavy thunderstorm, the only light I had was the infrequent flashes of white and the dull spectrum of my tv. I was watching ecw (at the time when wwe made a 3rd show and slapped the name of a former competitor to boost ratings!) when the show was done, the thunder had reached it's zenith and a creak that sound like every bone in one's body breaking happened loudly directly outside my door, it was my tree in my garden uprooted by the force.

I turned over the channel to catch a weather forecast, instead the screen was a collage of smaller screens, the words Breaking News taking up half of said screen, one screen showed a body being carted away, the other showed music's upper echelon (and Shit. I. Am!) referring to "him" and "he" being missed. and "his" fans crying! it wasn't until all the screens merged into 1 when Kay Burleigh told a half-awake Britain that at June the 25th 1:24am (GMT) that Michael Jackson had died.

That is my answer to what has become the modern JFK question..."Where were you when Michael Jackson died?" Michael who lived a life of contradiction and contrasts, The greatest Black performer of Modern times who transformed into a different person. whose life blurred genius and insanity, Fame and reclusiveness, was he a naive friend of all children or something a lot more sinister?

They say Death is only the beginning, and that was true of Micheal's death, everyday it seems new controversy reared it's ugly head, from washed-up actors claiming to be the real father to his kids, to the trail of his physician, to the ugly statue that was commissioned by Harrod's  and Fulham Football Club owner Muhammad Al Fayed (Look at it, looks like Lenny Henry DRESSED as Jacko!) and the less about his posthumous "duet" with Justin Trousersnake, the better!




However, Michael had left one gift left to give to the world, a documentation of what was going to be the final concert ever! Because the Summary of A Man's life is not how he died, It's how he lived, THIS IS IT!

We start in April 15th 2009
Auditions for dancers who came far and wide, all calling Michael their inspiration

After title drop, we hear the director talk about the opener. It's to start with an Audiovisual of the last fifty years in the shape of a man. Slowly, the light man opens up to reveal Michael who begins with if you gotta be starting something.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAbDnbz-W1M
Did they not figure out how hot HD screens are? And they expected a man with a melty face to escape a fluorescent, tailor made coffin for 100 nights? Naturally, Michael wheezes through IYGBSS -which is pretty much incomprehensible but not as bad as Jam. Afterwards, Michael tells his guitarist to enjoy himself, as he's looking into the audience with an angry face.

We cut to final press conference he'll ever give, as his faithful fans hang off his every word. Back to the opener  backup singers are launched by springboard to finish IYGGSS it seems the back up has helped Michael get his wind back.

We cut to the dance auditions, where 100's are whittled down to less than 30. The springboards are explained to the dancers and to us, the audience. To make the effect spectacular  the lift has 2 speeds regular and what chief choreographer Tony Testa refers to as toaster speed. At first the dancers struggle but soon get the hang of it.

Speaking of jam, here it is in all it's muddled glory seriously, that chorus sounds like it's being sang over a  3-mobile connection!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35XieLHfOVU
We cut to a green screen where our white dancers are in riot gear for They Don't Care About Us. For the show the screen will make it look like there's thousands, Michael personally gives the dancers his routine for his song, into the finished product for all I wanna.

I must say, they should have used this in the trailer.
As the director give Michael the prompt to hold for applause,as the lights fade out, the last thing we see is a wide smile on his face.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrJCp0ufLow
When the rehearsal resumes, Micheal's voice starts to falter, but credit where it's due, he's soldering on, singing human nature, a more obscure song.

The stage goes black and the screen goes to a black and white film of Chicago. This can only be one song, and if they get it wrong, then would have ruined it because it is my favorite song by him. And here is the rehearsal for smooth criminal
(TRUST ME YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS VERSION)
Oh man that was bad, that was alien ant farm bad!!!

Another day, another sound check. Musical Director Michael Bearden comments on how Michael puts the crew at ease also how he knows every little nuances of his songs.

Well, he didn't have that a while ago singing Smooth Criminal!

Naturally after that...song, Michael is a bit upset at the sound check-however it produces this jazzy version of The Way You Make Me Feel-However it's not working as well it should so it's made into an intro and an outro for how the song should be done, with a female dancer and a backdrop to recreate the famous video. this was so much better as Michael and the dancer exits the stage. this would have being the intermission to the show.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vapJSLP9yP8
It's not just his singles career that would have being performed, as when Michael and his 4 black dancers ascend from the lifts to perform Jackson 5's I want you back. Poor Michael is in a lot of pain but the song continues, I'm not showing the clip, because it's so sad to watch. he's complaining about a lot of feedback in his ear. it's adjusted and Stop The Love You're Sending Me Sounds a whole lot better, with I'll Be There being the best song of the night, as a montage of his younger years serve as a stark reminder on how he has dramatically changed! However singing 3 songs on the trot have put a strain on his throat!

Backstage the dancers are in their fitness classes and getting a medical check-up, because the proposed 100 shows in 100 nights will put a toll on a healthy, young person, nevermind a man who had just hit 50! Dance N Shout, is off course, the dancers chance to showcase their talents
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFE-ug_EZ_K
Another Greenscreen filming, this time for the new intro for Thriller, is spliced with the full dress rehearsal. AND.IT.IS.GLORIOUS!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tugf-vteliI
A Fireworks Display is tested and the pole-dancers and Aerialists practice for Billie Jean, we meet Zaldy, Chief of Wardrobe, who has made an electric version of the Billie jean suit.

The Intro for Beat It requires Michael to sweep in on a cherry Picker- A song that would have sounded amazing in front of an audience-but we will never know!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFE10JBcZoo
We now meet Michael's band for the show, as we segue to The Rachael Dolezal Song!-Black Or White!, one of Michael's more instrumentally demanding songs!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HePpV2i0suMm
This is a good rendition, given how young the guitarist is. the rest of the band are in their 40s and are well-seasoned musicians

Next is Earth Song and Michale is blown away by the cinematography of the new intro. So here is the live version of Earth Song, Minus Jarvis Cocker Mooning him!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1wVM3ghsII
Last intermission, everyone is all in for the last 2 songs. here's Billie Jean
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCah7jeRfbY
It's like a flashback to the peak to his powers, the dancers and the production crew are loving it! This leads to a prayer circle, after which Michael thanks everyone, he says he wants the effects of the trail are reversible. This leads to the closer!-MAN IN THE MIRROR!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rr2i-L1aaOA
THIS FILM IS A MUST SEE!
The premise is what it is: the greatest star of the modern era, captured in the most unique situation, making his comeback to the stage, months before his murder! A consummate professional, who despite age and pain (for the most part!) sings and dances at the level he was at his prime, we also see him vulnerable and frustrated.

This would have being the greatest show of my time but sadly that didn't happen!

CREDITS
Michael Jackson: This Is It! was reviewed, compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham(@RealEnli)
With clips from This is it!
and Image derived from google images
 All clips and images belong to their respective owners, all rights reserved
This is it is distributed by New Line Cinema, under permission of the estate of Michael Jackson

NEXT MONTH: THE WORST FILM I'VE EVER REVIEWED! WHAT IS IT? TUNE IN NEXT MONTH!

Episode 93: TOOTH FAIRY 2 PART 2

(this month's theme-because why the hell not?-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bOtMizMQ6oM
PREVIOUSLY ON TOOTH FAIRY 2....
The Rock's not in it, Julie Andrews is not in it, but happily, Stephen Merchant is not in it!)

We resume as Larry (The Cable Guy) arrives at his volunteer-ship at the rec centre to win back his ex girlfriend, he has arrived with healthy snacks for the kids, whilst carrying a plate of burritos for himself!

What kind of Moron brings fast food for himself, whilst convincing kids to eat healthy?

Anyway, the Lovable Lout mentions the tooth fairy which cause all the bigger kids to jeer,-mind you all the kids look like they just left acting school that day so all the kids look like your average Bowl Cut Boys and Child of Ambiguous Gender you always seem to get in these films. these are suppose to be down-trodden street kids!

That Night, Larry returns to the house where he failed his first assignment, the tv distracts him again, but he has a bigger problem. His Burritos have had a reaction to his fairy biology and he has started to....(facepalm) fart glitter! Despite the reaction that has made Thunderpants look subtle in comparison, Larry gets the tooth, but Nix is still unimpressed, siting that it look 2 days and supplies she couldn't spare to do it! Larry asks if their are children that EVEN BELIEVE in fairies anymore, Nix says that's his problem!

....A problem Larry is planning to fix, doing a storytime at the rec centre about fairies, hoping to get the children to believe. Gabe, the boy with the loose tooth that Larry insulted in part 1, has become antisocial,
(sigh!)
He's gonna be the final tooth Larry needs to keep his memory, isn't he?
So Predictable!
...He starts sweetly, but it ends with the children trying to hit each other to dislodge teeth so Larry can get it done quickly!

OUR HERO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
A Man who encourages children to self-harm to get off community service!

That night, Nix gives him more negative reinforcement and more importantly, fireflies to make him glow in the dark. Eating one turns his butt into that of a firefly, ripping his newly requested pink overalls, and making him susceptible to electric shocks, None the less, the 2nd tooth is collected!

So our 2 subplots are extended, Gabe's father cares more about forcing him into sports, and Brooke Invites Larry to her wedding Shower when Bo "accidentally" didn't invite any of her family from the trailer park to his Maison.

Oh, What's that, viewer?
"The next scene is Larry fighting his concise on doing the right thing over the desire to get revenge, with the hearts and minds of Children in the balance?"
BITCH PLEASE!
ENLIGHTENED KNOWS THAT!
NEW BORN BABYS KNOW THAT!

True to form, the desire to show up Bo is super-seeded by Larry's transformation into the tooth fairy, embarrassing poor Brooke by Bo's aged Maw-Maw acting like a Dirty old Woman by making Larry dance, but she does see how stuffy Bo is.

The Next assignment is a 2 storey house. You remember the 1st film where they established early that flight was powered by belief? Well they either forgot to include that into their mythos or between CGI Bowling pins and 100 bags of flour, they couldn't afford a flying effect! Needless to say this is becoming that Disney home video film of Tooth Fairy, the one with Kirsty Alley in it!

...And the children wake to confide in the tooth fairy, just like that film!

The daycare is running out of money, but Larry has a great idea. An art exhibition, one Gilligan Cut to said exhibition, and Gabe's pictures have sold out earning enough money for new supplies and toys, Though Brooke sees through Larry's game to impress her. Bo blows off Brooke when she wants to go wedding cake shopping, Larry, like all people, can't resist the offer of free cake. Bo arrives at the country club and completely derides Larry's presence, but our hero show us that he knows more about his ex than her fiance by pointing out an allergy of hers. Brooke gives Larry all the money as Bo's eyes dart as a musical shrill happens behind him.

It couldn't be more obvious what's gonna happen, if he had a handlebar moushtaste and stood near train tracks!

Sure enough, This MAYORAL CANDIDATE! stalks a care-worker and plans to steal toys from children!
THIS....THIS....Ugh...hehe...THIS WILL END WELL!

It also doesn't help has Larry is on assignment and has a Chevy full of toys, Bo steals all the toys and all credit the next morning- when he "buys" all the toys! Larry explaining that he's a tooth fairy doesn't help

That night, Larry flat out quits. Nix erases Larry most treasured memory. The next day at the Mechanics, Plot Convenience Community College calls Larry about how to recreate his winning shot, he realises that it wasn't his treasured memory, it was obviously all the times he spent with Brooke. Gabe has lost his tooth and doesn't know what do with it. Larry arrives in Fairyland....somehow!, and asks Nix for his job back, with his memory erased anyway, Nix complies, under condition that all his memories are on the line!

Gabe has set a mousetrap to catch Larry, Larry explains his ordeal, that he needs 5 more teeth or his memory will be lost again, Gabe helps by using his art to make cards for the 5 biggest meanest children of ambiguous Gender to convince them to believe.

Nix is pleased with the new stock of belief, that she gifts Larry with a secret weapon: Hummingbird wings-Essentially Chinese Medicine Style Hookum that gives the body the legendary speed of the tiny endangered animal!

The Night Before the wedding, Larry arrives at Brooke's house, to proclaim his love for her, telling her at if he could never remember being in love with her,  He'll be the saddest person ever, because not known why he lost it, will hurt more than losing it!

but never mind that-lets have Larry steal the guard-pig to distract an Avon party to recover Bowl-Cut tooth!

Brooke realises that she may have bet on the wrong horse, when Bo tells her that his greatest memory was about himself. Meanwhile Under the influence of the hummingbird wings, Larry collects 5 teeth only for the stuff to wear off with 15 minutes before midnight, only for Bo to arrive at the trailer park to give Larry a piece of his mind, Brooke has left him and the spin of marrying a local girl and "saving" her from the trailer park is ruined and he may lose the election, the news of Brooke back on the market, gives Larry the power of flight, Bo falls onto Larry's garbage pile, tearing at Larry's belt to save himself, covering himself with enough Amnesia Dust to put someone back in nappies!
AND IS NEVER SEEN AGAIN!

A year later, it's revealed Larry and Brooke got married, and she's pregnant, Nix appears and asks Larry to fill in for the State Fairy tonight, She reveals that he'll be help by his replacement-Crasher the Guard Pig! and so "Fat-man and hoggin" fly to the rescue

THIS FILM IS SO BAD, IT ACTUALLY BENDS THE NEEDLE BACK TO GOOD!

There is no star power, little budget, no dvd extras (this film was tied in a bundle with, you guessed it Tooth fairy 1!) but his has one thing going for it: NO STEPHEN MERCHANT! Larry the cable guy remains the king of unnecessary sequels-and he's not bad in this one, but my tune may change in December!

CREDITS
Tooth Fairy 2 was reviewed, compiled and edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli)
With  footage and Music from
in part 1-
Forest Gump
and "Drive in At Night" from Street fighter 4

and Part 2

The Dentist song from Little shop of horrors

Tooth Fairy was produced by 20th century fox
all clips belong to there respected owners
All Rights Reserved

Next Month
Our very first documentary....As we review This Is It!

EPISODE 92: Eamonn reviews Tooth Fairy 2 Part 1

(This week's theme-mainly because the climax happens there and music used  sounds a lot like this-
Street fighter 4-Drive in at night-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-VPGPVUuM8
We are 8 episodes away from 100 episodes and despite 4+ years of Bog Standard Filliums, we had never done a film with Larry the Cable Guy in it. We'll fret no longer, cause not only do we have 1 with him in it, It's also a sequel to one of my most read reviews, TOOTH FAIRY!

PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE~
Dwayne Johnson played a washed up hockey player, who stole tooth fairy money from his girlfriend's daughter to pay off a bet. Made to wear clothes that killed his tough guy persona and action hero cred, as well as put up with Stephen "the World's Second Unfunniest Man, who writes the jokes for the World's Unfunniest Man" Merchant, all at the same time as winning back his new family and reviving his career, as turning into the tooth happens as the worst possible time!

Expect the same, but without the star power of Julie Andrews and Billy Crystal, this is EPISODE 92: TOOTH FAIRY 2

We Start with a Jangly guitar riff as the scene fades into Larry's beatdown pick up truck driving to a bowling alley.

Wow! this film is so Southern-fried, all that's missing is a Handsome cad called Beauregard!

So, Larry (idiosyncratically played by Larry the cable guy) enters the raffle despite the chagrin of his girlfriend, Brooke. The raffle is hosted by a car salesman... A handsome cad called Beauregarde!

Oh, so it's one of those films, where the foreshadowing flows like sweet water to thirsty masses.

So Bo, the (groan!) former beau to Brooke rigs the raffle for Larry to win to steal his girl, it half works, as Larry slips on nacho cheese and not only picks up a spare out of a 7-10 split, but scores strikes on every lane due in the greatest piece of CGI ever.

A year later, and Larry learns that Bo is running for Mayor, with plans to marry Brooke, he confronts the daycare worker as Bo appears canvassing, Brooke tells Larry that she left him for having the maturity of a child and the social grace of a pig!

Bribing children to pelt the handsome man with water balloons, Larry is overcome with more jealousy, in a fit of depression tells a boy that tooth fairy don't exist, causing the child to get upset and Brooke even more anry with the selfish redneck.

That Night after reminiscing the good times with Brooke, Larry finds a summons under his pillow, much like the 1st film, Larry is put on community service and teleported to Fairyland, where it's no longer a non-denominational Santa's workshop but a white room with cabinets stretching towards infinity!

Julie Andrews has now being replaced with a child actress, who through-out negatively reinforces everything Larry does! Larry passes the whole thing off as a nightmare from eating too much chicken, denouncing chicken by naming every way to cook chicken!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhfK98f5S00

without a full studio of actors to exposist the film, it's now up to a badly animated cartoon short, it looks like those Zelda CDi games, but is that Tara Strong I Hear? the Plot is similar to the 1st, but Now Larry has to collect 10 teeth in 10 days, in his home town of Metro County, "Floridee", but fail to do so, Nix will steal his greatest memory, fearing that the Epic bowling shot was his only crowning achievement, he accepts.

Waking up Larry goes a-fixing to get his woman back, volunteering to work at the Daycare Facility, Leading to larry to turn Arts and crafts into a summer snowball fight using the film's remaining budget on flour and tights, Naturally getting the Children Messy and Potentially hurt has Made Brooke to remember how iresponible Larry Is!

That Night, Larry has his co-workers over to watch the game, when he transforms into the tooth fairy right in from of them, unlike the 1st, Larry doesn't instantly have the potions and powders to hand, so he uses subterfuge like "i'm in a play" or "i lost a bet", though he blasts them with amnesia dust anyway after a while.

1st assignment and it doesn't go well, as sleeping powder that works on cats and dogs, doesn't work so well on pigs!, even spiking a moon pie, depletes his stash, the urge to watch the game is too much and blows his cover cover, leaving empty handed. Nix uses her pink pallette swap spell on items in Larry's Trailer, siting the Redneck that he has 9 days to straighten up and Fly right!

WILL LARRY GIT-ER-DONE? AND WIN HIS LADY BACK?
IS THE WINNING THE CAR REALLY HIS BEST MEMORY?
DOES TARA STRONG'S VOICE REALLY EQUAL 1 JULIE ANDREWS
WHY ARE IRISH MOON PIES MUCH SMALLER THAN THE AMERICAN ONES?
FIND OUT NEXT MONTH! ONLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!  

EPISODE 91: EAMONN REVIEWS The Internship

 (THIS MONTH'S THEME-another knock against this film is it's terrible soundtrack, anything soundtrack that has Flashdance, Ironic and some drug-dealer crowbarring shitty lyrics onto bananarama, of all bands, deserve my disdain-so because this film is about people who never used google-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoqQnR8NOVI
Someone once said that we live in an age of miracles and wonders.

We live in a world where technology has shaped the world in the last 30 years. What was science fiction of past generations, is now reality. Communication with the world now takes minutes, crops can never be out of season, and medical science is winning our species' war with cancer.

But with all advances, there are some the last generations that get left behind- or at least that is the premise of this film using actors in their 40s, in this fish out of water buddy movie.,  the Internship.

We are.. Not at a very good start, we open on Billy (Vince Vaughn) and Nick (Owen Wilson) driving, loudly and nasally singing Alanis Morrisette's Ironic.

Thanks, I now Hate This song Even more!

Billy and Nick are jewelry salesmen and they try to sell watches to a client, there is one problem, their company has went into liquidation and they didn't know because they don't have email!

So these guys have being selling watches without a single paycheck? OK,  I know from experience that salespeople only get paid when their stock is cleared, but surely they have travel expenses and petty cash?

So having the embarrassment of having the client pay for their dinner, their boss, Sam (john Goodman) tells them that the technology of today has made watches obsolete, and tells them they are fired. After the gold watch treatment, we get a back story...oh, never mind, it's just a plot from EVERY OWEN WILSON AND VINCE VAUGHN FILM EVER MADE, EVER!

blah blah blah, pair of slackers. BLAH BLAH BLAH Wilson Can't keep it in his trousers! BLAH BLAH BLAH Vaughn has a big Mouth BLAH BLAH BLAH Crazy Scheme BLAH BLAH BLAH CRAZY ENOUGH TO WORK!
 BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH!

So Billy convinces Nick to join him getting an internship at Google, Nick is tentative, but it beats working at his sleazy Brother in Law's (Will Ferrell) Mattress Shop.

Using a Library Computer to get a job interview (I've being down that road before, nothing is more annoying than some prick too cheap to go to an internet caff, playing his/her music at full blast!) Nick and Billy get internships by bribing children and lying on their resumes

OUR HEROES LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

So out of not getting sued by age diversity pressure groups and nothing else, the 2 salesmen get Internships, And after found footage of trams and Alcatraz to tell us we are in SanFran, our boys arrive in Google HQ. This makes Billy act like a dick in Google's Free Employee Coffee Shop, While Nick chats up a women , (Rose Byrne)which the audience knows is one of HR over This program
OFF COURSE SHE FUCKING IS!

Having the entire room of Genius College Kids, their presence makes them look at our heroes like outcasts, Making one British Guy become their enemy of this film, not because Brits Are Evil, but because Billy and Nick are the 1st yanks who Pronounced his name as "GRAM" AND NOT "GREY-M"! Having their seminar with Roger Charti- head of Google HR, reminds us of the one fatal flaw in their boys plan: they don't have email!

1 seminar in and the boys fail miserably, that night they plan on convincing the other to team, but become part of a team of Misfits.
And People say Nerds have no social prejudice?

So Mentored by Google P.R. Lyle, a Whigger, we also meet Mama's Boy YoYo Stand-offish Prodigy Stewart  and Token Latino Ava, who will also be the Jailbeat in the inevitable Vaughn and Wilson Wild Party Scene. Evil Brit GrahamNotGRAM! Cherrypicks the best students for his team.

So instead of listening to a seminar on Assignment on making Google Translate better (which is why it sucks!), Billy finds out Lyle has a crush on a dance teacher who works on google. Nick chats up the HR Woman and breaks out his "'Allo Gov'nur", only for the woman to reveal she's Australian!
BOOM!
DO YOU NEED SOME VASELINE?  FOR THAT BURN?
1st assignment, to rectify 200 lines of code that has a bug. It's become clear that they know nothing, mixing up the word "bug"...with the word "password". The other team members get so pissed off by the 2 bozos harping on about the human factor then they say...get this!... that they should ask the programmer himself, so the team tells them that "Charles Xavier" wrote the program, ending with the two
Goms getting a punch to the knob each from a wheelchair bound man!

GROIN ATTACK COUNTER:2

At Lunch, Team SayMyNameRightOrI'llHoldAGrudgeBecauseOfIt win the first challenge and continue to brag about winning at sports day. Billy brags about being sporty...Until it's revealed to be Quidditch! It's a filler scene, so here's the short version, team GrahamNotGRAM! Are winning Billy uses flash dance as a motivational speech, Team Lyle nearly win but GrahamNotGram has a evil gambit resulting in...
GROIN ATTACK COUNTER: 5

Nick tries asking Dana out again, but this time she's almost insulted that Nick is implying that Google is talking prominence over her personal life. Roger is not impressed by Billy Eating the Free Cafe Out of it's stock.

It's the night of the App Challenge: After the tedious "on-the-line" "joke" that made the trailer for his film, The salesmen call out the teams cynical view of the world leading us to-YOU GUESSED IT! THE WILSON/VAUGHN FILM WILD PARTY SCENE!
Turns out the dancer that Lyle has a crush on turns out to be a "DANCER" Here at the club. Billy's advice is to talk to the working stripper who just bolted when she saw people who recognised her. By the Way, Billy is Drunk, so this wouldn't have being the best advice!

So Despite that Brainfart, Lyle and Martina hit it off very well, I'm just waiting for the bit that bites them all in the ass!

...Until they get into a barfight with your stereotypical Jackass-The Film spares me from making the joke that the Guy Looks like Biff Tannen, With YoYo screaming "Don't mess with Google Interns, Bitch!" as they are carried out
BINGO! THAT'LL DO IT!
....Turns out that getting drunk has giving them the perfect idea: A security lock that stops DrunkDialing by asking Math questions! Despite only a minor case of the assbites, The DrunkDialing App outsells GrahamNotGRAM'S app by 300 sales, the team goes from strength to strength coming out of their shells as the boys finally get e-mail accounts, and Nick has a hot date with Dana!

Come on film!
Too much success, not enough drama, can you at least do something With Graham that's more evil than antagonising his fat teammate?

....Seemingly hearing my wishes, Graham,NOTGRAM! tells Billy that he knows about the lies, but rather see that Roger kick him and Nick out, he lets Billy Marinate in Self Doubt.

The Next Challenge is Manning the Google Hotline, the guys tell Billy that he cannot bullshit like he use to do selling watches on this one!

Dana falls for nick over dinner, thus clouding her judgment in a few weeks when the jobs are being announced!
Billy is struggling until Tom Gadi (who i thought when writing this 1st draft was Jack Osbourne!) appears and helps him, reminding him that he has a way, with people-a "lost art"

With that advice, Billy uses his personailty as a salesman and what he learned into a winning formula, whilst Graham just drones on with his Cieri Voice. Only for Billy Not to have pressed record. He had let Graham get in his head and he sabotaged himself like he always did, Causing Bill to quit team Lyle to rejoin Sam in a shady Motor-scooter scheme...And It could have come at a worse time as the challenge is a sales pitch, so instead of the logical answer of Nick staying behind to help the team, The other salesman ditches the team with no life experience to get the slightly better salesman back!

Turns out the Shady Motor-Scooter scheme is just that... Rent scooters to very aged, wait for them to die, make the family cough up money to remove a scooter they don't need, give it a tune up and sell rarely used motor-scooters...with all the granny-banging that would make Harry Styles Blush! But Nick has arrived and saved him like Billy saved him earlier-And he returns to make a winning sales pitch.

So Let's Finish This!
Team Lyle has failed to return but as soon as Roger goes to announce the winner, Google gets hacked by a rick roll of What a Feeling and a cartoon of Team Lyle who arrive with pizza from the pizzeria they convinced in the sales pitch, Roger recalulates the scores, since the announcement was being made at the end of work hours anyway, Meaning Team Lyle has won the internship, GrahamNOTGRAM! protests that Billy and Nick are Cons, only for Tom Gadi to reveal his character to be the Google America Majority shareholder, thus having final say, and it wouldn't be a Vaughn/Wilson Film if the evil prick didn't close his final scene with an "amusing" Injury
GROIN ATTACK COUNTER: 6
Dana kisses Nick, Yoyo stands up to his mother, Lyle Pulls Martina, Stewart pulls Eva and so the film ends with Nick and Billy gifting each other with Champagne.

GIVE IT UP BOYS, YOU'RE TOO OLD, AND YET, NOT OLD ENOUGH!

OK,obvivous bug-bear, Vaughn and Wilson are young enough to be apart of the original Internet Wave in the 90's and whildt this film would have worked with older actors-Billy Crystal and Kurtwood Smith as a deadpan, "It woluld loose the plot-advancing wild party scene. But at 40, the trademark of the duo is becoming less believeable, and are both 1 grey hair away from Annoying Talking Animal duty in the next disney film. Also Annoying is the reason why Graham is your villain -in a competition against 1000s only 1 guy singles you out-because you where the 1st yanks to mispronounce Graham? If i got angry with every non-Irish that mispronunanced my name, my garden would look like 10 Remington Place! Just Sayin'! Also you can't overlook the fact that this film is nothing more than a advertisement for Google!

In the End, The Internship, This film made me smile a few times. Not a Complete Loss, Still a Loss, Though!

CREDITS
The Internship was reviewed, compiled and Edited by EamonnNOTARMOND! Bermingham
With Music
Communication Breakdown by Led Zeppelin
The Internship was Produced by 20th century fox. All rights reserved.
All clips belong to their respective owners
Follow me on Twitter at @RealEnli

NEXT MONTH: REPLACE ROCK WITH THE VOICE OF MATER, AND REPLACE JULIE ANDREWS WITH A CHILD, AND EXPECT THE SAME FILM? YOU HAVE YOUR SHITE!
NEXT MONTH WE REVIEW TOOTH FAIRY 2!
 

episode 90: Eamonn Reviews the Marine 3

 (This months theme, this song sums up the IWC'S Feelings about the Miz nicely!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8ekz_CSBVg
(We open on a battlefield outside of Casa Di Culchie Joe-Jack and 80's Lad are holed up in a trench as tentacled, giant aliens are blasting the Irish countryside with lazers)

DUUUDDDE!, how are we holding up?
Not very well at all. If only Eamonn would arrive!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
(Eamonn stood there, untouched by battle, holding a brown takeaway bag)
AH, DERE YA IS! IT'S May, so we started with out you!
-Start what?
 -Da final chapter ov da storyline.
-But we abandoned the storyline!

WHAT?
WHAT?
(ALIEN GIBBERISH THAT TRANSLATES INTO "WHAT?")
Yeah, reaching 100 is and has been an event in itself, so we don't have a big finale this year. Sorry!
 Oh. Well this is awkward! OK Squid-Dudes. You heard the guy, go home to your own dimension.
Ya gud war  everyone! Sorry for throwing ammonia on your queen t'make ye boyz fight us!
 BY THE SEAS OF OUR ANCESTORS, WE WILL HAVE OUR REVENGE!
-OH YA! OI LIOKE T'SEE YA TRY!
(AND NOW, OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!)

Up to this point, I kept bogger box office and enlightened towers separate. Admit it, you never heard of it.

So most of you have never heard of Mike "The Miz" Mizainin, Or GOBSHITE FROM MTV as I call him!

In 2004, the MTV Muppet was announced as a contestant on on million dollar tough enough-YES his induction into wrestling wasn't blood line, or passion, but the need to embezzle TAX FREE money from the wwe.

Miz's career has been torturous to watch, seeing this chimp-faced moron struggle to clothesline properly, and some how winning titles.

So with all things Sharp and Poisonous removed from my house, and the laces gone from my shoes so I don't hang myself, this is Marine 3: Homefront.

Okay, DVD Player on, Support British Film Industry Ad, Anti-Piracy Ad and Fox's Own Studio Ident and Blue-Ray ad straight to the main menu which is a static screenshot of American flag and no Music or Logo to tell what the film is.

Well, this film has set the bar low!
I haven't had this low expectations since we reviewed Behind Enemy Lines: Columbia!

We open to the small town of Bridgeton in the State of Washington as Miz supplies the Narrative.
"19 years old, I decided to do something with my Life!"
...."Instead i went and made a mockery of the sport I claim to love!"
"At first i started working on the Lumber mill."
"That is until that Sheriff Vaughn Killed that Casino Manager!"
"So I enlisted in the Marine Corps."

10 years and a montage of Found Footage later, Jake Carter (MIZ) returns home. His Friend Hark is now a cop and after some gentle Ribbing, he brings Jake back home in the outskirts of town. There was some attempt of exposition, but the sound of the car motor made it hard to listen to-but i got the gist of it!-One of Jake's Sisters is called Lily, she's looking for a job, despite being a wild child and she has either told someone called Christie Or "Crestly" to "GO FUCK HIMSELF!"-For some Reason!

And we Cut to this reported Wild-Child...baking Apple Pie and Cookies!
BAKED CONFECTIONS!
(TAKES OF SHIRT LIKE MUSCLE MAN AND SWINGS IT!)
WOOOOOOOOOO!

She and her other sister, Amanda have made a barbeque, turns out they have being struggling financially and Crestly is a big Deal in this town.

We cut to Seattle as ideological bank robbers burn an entire vaults worth of cash!

But nevermind anything that resembles an action Film, lets go back to the soap opera as Jake meets Lily's boyfriend a drug-dealer called Daryll, played by Not-Shia-LaBouef!

We cut back to the bankrobbers, in their dock hideout, their leader Thaddeus Pope, is told that the summit is moved to tomorrow. Later that night One of robbers starts a fight with Jake's friend, and the Marine knocks his ass out! to the disgust of everyone, especially Lily who was drinking at the bar.

So Jake is arrested, but Hark pulls a few strings to get Jake of the hook, but Naturally berates the Marine not to put the law into his own hands-DESPITE THAT'S THE WHOLE PREMISE OF THIS FRANCHISE! Next day Lily and Guido McWeasel are having beers in a junkyard in the same yard, the bankrobbers deal with a greedy Arms dealer. Screaming after seeing Pope off the dealer, Lily and Daryll are kidnapped.
and WELCOME EVERYONE! TO TEN-A-PENNY ACTION THEATRE!

SOblah-blah, My Sister got kidnapped ,blah-blah, It wasn't her fault, blah-blah, I'm gonna make these guys pay-BLAH BLAH, FUCKING BLAH!

Armed with a Pump action, Jake rescues Daryll and then overpowers two goons with a hip toss (when was the last time you saw Miz doing a hip Toss...PROPERLY?) The FBI become involved.In the docks, popes men are dressed as cops with convincing fake police car. Pope nearly kills his Lancer because of his own Paranoia, he then sits himself Down to brainwash Lily about his twisted world view.

FORESHADOWING!

Lily gets' rescued by a fed, as the rest of them surround the docks. An agitated Jake gets rearrested, Daryl and Lily are reunited, But the FBI are getting slaughtered by the robbers superior firepower.

In a clearing, Hark lets Jake go, returning his pistol. Clearly 40 federal agents with Howitzers and Bullet proof vests are no match for 1 man with a pistol 1 round of bullets in Street clothes. Back on the docks, The agent that rescued the couple is killed, Lily is re-kidnapped but Daryll holds his own.

With Lily recaptured, Pope seemingly surrenders but not the feds, to the state police-but remember, his gang had fake state police uniforms and a fake police car! after offing the policeman and switching the plates, Jake is going Time Crisis on the gang's asses, ducking and shooting every mook in his path.

Jake finds Daryll. Lily overhears Popes plan to blow up HSNB-I MEAN GENERIC NAME FINANCE COMPANY In Seattle. Jake makes his presence known but is attacked with a crowbar, Pope, His Lancer, and Lily are put in the cop-car and are Driving with a Bomb to Seattle.

So lets finish this!
Jake Begrudgingly accepts Daryl, we have a car chase, Pope arms the Bomb, Lancer dies, Pope dies with little hype whatsoever, Jake drives the bomb into the Lumbermill in Bridgeton, therefore making it dramatic/ten times worse. and so everyone celebrate this tramatic event that bought them Closer together!
THIS FILM IS SO GENERIC, IT WOULD HAVE TO HAVE ORIGINAL IDEAS TO MAKE IT SUCK!

Like anything involving Miz, I had low expectations and was still disappointed. Generic script, General action plot, the thing looks like it being shot on a shoestring and it shows: No-one actors and Found Footage. 

My advice?
Read or watch the films that i reviewed previously, they mostly suck, but at least they are memborable!

CREDITS
Marine 3: Homefront was reviewed, edited and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With music by:
3 DAYS GRACE: I Hate Everything About You
Marine 3 was produced by WWE Films and distributed by 20th Century Fox. All Clips belong to their respected Owners. All rights reserved.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @RealEnli

NEXT MONTH: EPISODE 91: VINCE VAUGHN AND OWEN WILSON SHOW THEIR AGE, BUT HAVE THE SLACKERS MATURED WITH AGE, OR GOT OLD DISGRACEFULLY? FIND OUT AS WE REVIEW, THE INTERNSHIP!

EPISODE 89: EAMONN REVIEWS THE GOLDEN COMPASS PART 2

(This months theme-to fight against the depressing themes therein-this video is your safeword)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3m2rgbEj64
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!....
RELIGION IS BAD AND IF YOU FOLLOW A RELIGION, YOU ARE BAD, NO EXCUSES! ACCORDING TO OVERBEARING ATHEIST ASSHAT, PHILLIP PULLMAN, WHO GIVE LAWFUL GOOD ATHEISTS LIKE YOURS TRULY A BAD NAME! Welcome to the World of his dark materials, a world where people's souls are their own entities,the existance of Dust is a conspiracy, and a thinly veiled stab at the Vatican are your evil childsnatching villains!

We begin again with Lyra, a spoiled unlikable rich child who because of prophecy, is the only 1 who can save her world, without humility whatsoever, boards an Airship with Nicole Kidman's Mrs Coulter, who is certainly not a villain!, As it flies over a steampunk version of London, Lyra asks what is the Magisterium, exactly-only for Coulter to flatly tell her it's a dictatorship!

"We don't tell people what to do forcefully, we tell them what to do nicely!"

1) For A spy, you just blew your cover, by referring to the enemy as "we" and not "they!" 2) oh, by nicely, you mean giving those Native Americans those nice blankets with smallpox to steal their nice gold and cause a nice genocide?

So after a party where Lyra starts to Parrot Coulter, Lyra speaks of dust, putting Coulter in a Silent Rage
"there are things you don't speak of-things that may Offend me!
-"Like my performance in Far And Away-I worked hard on that Irish Accent!"

So they have an argument over a petty thing like a handbag-where afterwards Coulter goes all predatory and asks the girl, aged 12, to kiss her!

Okay Coulter from now on you are called...BITCH NUN!


Hiding in her office, they realise that Obvious Villain is Obviously up to something!, checking her papers it turns out that she is in Charge of G.O.B-LIN Meaning it is an acronym for General Oblation Board LINITED!

B-COZ PUR LITRA-C....MAYCES PUR AKWONIMS!

So bitch Nun's Monkey finds the Golden Compass, Lyra and pan escape but are stuck in London, as the goblins (yes i know they are men all the long, but they work for company called goblin!) are looking for her, but she is rescued by the Gypsies who are looking for Billy and Roger, who bring her to see King John Faah, the king of the gypsies. 

On a Egyptian Longboat, we met Lord Faah, the chieftains of the 7 families as well as a scholar, Friar Decorum, who tells Lyra how to read the compass, on the circumference are symbols and 3 hands on the compass-using simple similes and analogies of the symbols, the dust inside shows her a vision as the 3 hands point to 1 symbol-a spent egg-timer with a skull on it!
FORESHADOWING!

Meanwhile, in a secret laboratory, The kidnapped children are being forced to write letters to there parents, Billy refusing only makes the nurse more insulting!
-"Oh, don't they teach Gypsies how to write?"
-"AW WHAT WRONG? Doesn't the little Pikey-Wikey know how to Write, Ah you gonna cry, you little ginger donkey-f****r?, bet you where stealing before you were calling the uncle who knocked up you mother-"Dada"!

Outside the Factory, as it's being called, Friar Pablo and Bitch Nun discuss Lyra's journey to the North Pole, so they open a briefcase to reveal syringes made to look like Bees
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tmxfZGkfByE
In Skalbard, Iceland, Bond-I Mean Azrael is attacked and captured by S.P.E.C.T.R.E -I Mean G.O.B.LIN. On the boat the 2 Mechanical bees (MY GOD!) attack Lyra but she captures 1, Fr. Decorum sealing it in a sweet tin, says that the sting is filled with sleep potion. The girl asks why she is being targeted.

Maybe because you are a spoiled rich girl who gets everything she asks for, only for you also get this nice trinket that only you can wield because of some prophecy than made you the chosen one! MAYBE THAT MIGHT BE THE REASON?
Anyway conveniently, the factory is also in Skalbard, a Visit from a Witch doing a Diddly-EYE OIRISH Accent (Eva Green) tells her the Factory in Bolvanger is called Gottardam and is guarded by the Regiment of Tartarus!
YAY! MORE FORESHADOWING OF GRIEF AND DEATH!

The Gypsy Ship stops in Norway, I mean Noroway if the ham playing the witch was anything to go by. Lyra mets an American called Lee Scorsby, an aeronaut, who came to "help his friend out of a jam!" he offers his services as Bolvanger is inland, and those of a armoured bear, who frequents the local tavern.

So Yorrick the Bear (Ian McKellan) is now a bear who gets paid in whiskey, when he came to the human town he was given demons to play with but his armour was stolen, shaming his species' warrior Spirit...
"War is my Water I swim, It's the Earth I Stand on! My Armour is...was...My Soul!...Like Your (Lyra) Demon is Your Soul....It'll be like Replacing Him(Pan) With a Doll!"

So A Bear's Armour is made of "Sky-Iron"- Meteorites-so not enough to make a new armour -but Lyra has a vision on who stole his armour- and wouldn't you know it?-the Not-Catholic Church is the source of all evil doing!

WAIT, WHAT?
If your whole church is based on not letting A little girl unify the bears against you, I'd make it my business to blow so much smoke up their asses that they will never think of betraying you! Just Sayin'!

So the Drunk Bear regains his Armour, as The NOT-POPE! Tells Frair Pablo to have his "Improvements" ready for his arrival

Camping at a Frozen Lake, Lyra gets a message for the Compass, that frightens her
"Disney Interactive is Making a Marvel Fighting Game? NOOOOOOOOO!"
OF COURSE NOT!
It's witches gathering towards Gotterdam, Yorick says he's not sure what side the witches are on.

In Lyra's vision, an abandoned shack was shown, this building's presence makes Pan fear for his life, but the girl ventures forth. Inside is Billy but his demon is gone.

It's clear what the Inoculation is, the Church are killing the souls of children!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVGNJvWnG5E
-But it's a trap-as Goblin kidnap Lyra but instead hand them over to Ragna, King of The Ice Bears. using the info dump of ice bear king's jealousy of Human Demons, Lyra calls herself Yorick's demon causing Ragna to challenge him to mortal combat, which ends with Yorick punching the bottom jaw straight off Ragna's Face!

Y'KNOW FOR KIDS!

That night, Lyra enters Gotterdam with subterfuge, she finds Roger and tells him to get all the child extras who are seemingly happy to be kidnapped and experimented on by The evil church ready to escape. Lyra needs a room to communicate with the compass, once more but stumbles into meeting with the staff and Bitch Nun! she brags about Azrael being captured and being sentenced to death, but is upset about this facility! the Doctors brag about how much Bitch Nun Loves to see the souls ripped apart, leads to Lyra to be captured and flung into the soul Killing Machine! Until Bitch Nun has a face turn!

Lyra wakes in Coulter's chambers with Pan alive and Well, Bitch Nun leads off this long spiel about the inoculation against Dust-
"When a Demon settles into it's final form, the dust also settle on him. and that's when all the wicked thoughts and bad feelings start to form in the mind!"

So-It's become clear what Dust is in this world-Turns out it's not Particles and therefore science-it's Sin! A demon is a soul/conscience and is made of Dust, and it's when it gets old enough it convinces people to try drink, drugs and other adult pleasures!

WHAT SIDE ARE YOU ON, MR PULLMAN?
AFTER SEVENTY MINUTES OF "RELIGION IS BAD M'KAY?" YOU ARE GOING TO INCORPORATE BASIC KABALLAH INTO YOUR STORY? BY SAYING THAT THE SOUL IS NOTHING MORE THAN A QLIPPOTH, OR DISTRACTION FROM DOING THE RIGHT THING? Oh an it gets worse, as We are doing Luke I Am your father, with a woman who acted predatory towards the main ever since part 1 of this film, and Azrael is her father, But Coulter frees the Travel sweet tin that had the Deadly Bee Weapon(MY GOD!) As Lyra destroys the Silver Guillotine

So lets Wrap this Up!
All the kids escaped as Gotterdam is being engulfed in flames, As Lee, Yorick, The Witches and The Gypsies have an epic battle on behalf of a child who splits before getting her hands dirty... seriously it's like she went...
"okay i did my little job of destroying one Soul Killing Machine, despite this world wide organisation possibly having more facilities across the world, Now it's your turn people and animals, to put your life on the line for an arrogant child, you just met less than a week ago! CHOSEN ONE, OUT!

After decimating all of Tartarus Army, Lee and The Witch has a conversation about a prophecy here is the full line from Eva Green, Phonetically written in her Martina Sirkis-esque Brogue:
"As much as ye be avoidin' dis war, misser Scorsby, Dis War will be ya WAR ASWELL!  YE ARE friens wif the BEHS! Ye Must tell de BEHS!,DAT DIS IZNT OV-AH!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kONmDCla6Nc

HOLY MARY, MOTHER OF GOD, THAT DOESN'T EXIST! THIS FILM SUCKS!
IT'S SHITE!
BUT IT'S NICE LOOKING SHITE!
I'll give you that the cinematography is beautiful! But that's where all the compliments stop. Sure it's all-star cast, but so was Love Actually, and i tore into that Christmas turkey famously a few years back! Eva Green's Human Hallmark Paddy's Day Card accent did not impress, the script was just filled with dread and hate. For a Kids Film!, No Levity was there to counteract the violence, cruelty and malevolent tones of speech from our bad guys, which would only upset the young audience! okay, Harry Potter killed voldemort for the 1st time in his first outing but you had levity up to that point and afterwards, here it's end scene is a precursor to a war that "will be everyone's"! yay!

In Ending, Golden Compass, Nothing More than Phillip Pullman getting butthurt over Narnia's very subtle anology's to religion, I only wished he had Lewis' subtlety!

CREDITS
The Golden Compass was Reviewed, Edited in 2 parts and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With clips and Music from
In Part 1
Weird Al-Everything You Know is Wrong
And Part 2
Atop The 4TH Wall
The Daily Show With John Stewart
The Country Bears
and Always Look On the Bright Side Of Life from Monty Python-Life of Brian!
The Golden Compass was distributed by entertainment in Video.All Rights Reserved
All clips belong to their respected owners!

Follow me on Twitter @RealEnli

NEXT MONTH: SOME BIRTHDAY PRESENT! EAMONN'S 2 BLOGGING WORLDS COLLIDE AS HE REVIEWS THE MARINE 3!

EPISODE 88: Eamonn reviews The Golden Compass Part 1

(If only there was a song that sums up Phillip Pullman's overbearing atheist beliefs in this film-then it hit me!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KThlYHfIVa8
So Here it is.
THE ULTIMATE FAILED POTTER KILLER, A BOOK FRANCHISE THAT DIED AFTER 1 FILM, THAT SPARKED 1 IRISH MIRROR WRITER TO CALL IT "ATHIEST PROPERGANDA" AND MASS CINEMA BOYCOTTS IN THE BIBLE BELT, THIS 1 ONE HAS BEING ON MY LIST SINCE DAY 1, THIS IS THE GOLDEN COMPASS.

We start with a narrative by Nicole Kidman who tells us that story is set in a different world where souls are unabashfuly called demons, witch's are real, Dust is a magical substance and James Bond would so much cooler if he had a pet leopard!

We also learn of the eponymous Golden Compass, Devices that reveal secrets and actually tell the future, but the evil Majesterium aka the NOT-VATICAN! Destroyed all but 1

We cut to actors too posh to convincingly play gypsies, where we meet our hero Lyra (Dakota Blue Phillips) Playing tag with gypsy children only to make out the gate of her college is cursed, so no one from the college will see her talking to Gypsies!

OUR HEROINE, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN!
A posh elitist, who betrays her poor but genuine friends easily for social standing!

On the other side of Oxford, Daniel Craig's Character of Lord Azrael Unpronounceable! (I'm not even gonna try) enters a room at the college and uncovers a Amber Spyglass

DUN DUN D-OESN'T EVEN AMOUNT TO A SEQUEL!

So we learn more about Lyra, an orphan who only surviving relative is Lord Azrael. She has a demon called Pan (voice of Freddie Highmore) all demons can transform to any animal but mostly he takes the form of a weasel! every person shares a symbiotic link to their demon, they share it's pain and contact with your hand to a demon causes pain or even Death!

Which means that people should be dying left right and centre, since you showed demons turning in common animals in the opening, what's stopping people from petting a dog or riding a horse and then dying, having established in the Gypsy camp that dogs and horse exist in this world also? What about cows and pigs? what if you accidentally kill and eat a demon? what happens then?

Sneaking into a room where a teacher is telling a Majesterium that he has no derestriction here, Lyra and Pan sees the Evil Tool from the Evil Church Of Evil spiking a decanter of wine as Uncle Azrael (Craig) enters, Lyra saves her only living relation and Azrael tells here to hide once more when he sees the wine getting discoloured by the substance.

Lord Azrael is an explorer who has returned from the Arctic. He shows his the school staff a photo of the Northern Lights, the northern lights is made of dust in this world and this dust is the intangible window into our world. Azrael hypothesizes that there are other worlds, all free from the Majesterium. This causes Friar Pablo to get angry and call Azrael a heretic.

Later on Azrael scolds Lyra for what she did, but he's not too hard on her what with that tiny detail of saving his life from being poisoned by the guy i seen many times before typecasted as a Nazi!, But gets angry when Lyra asks about dust, But when Azrael changes the subject on why Pan hasn't settled on a form yet! i suppose that's their way of trying to explain why people haven't died petting dogs that are really demons, she deduces though that Dust is the reason children's demons can change and adults lose that power.

On the Roof of the college, Roger tells Lyra that children are going missing because of goblins and the Magisterium is covering it up.

....AND I CAN NOW SEE why Many Catholics got upset with this film-you just went from archaic beliefs, blacklisting, censorship and quickly into the realm of Pedophilia. No wonder this film has a 12 rating in Ireland!

At the college Mess, a dinner for the expedition to the North is arranged. Slinking into view is Mrs Coulter (Nicole Kidman) her very presence confounds and frightens the professors. Sitting to next to Lyra and infodumping some foreshadowing about the ice bears, Mrs Coulter asks the master of the College to make the girl her proxy on the expedition to the north, Promising to "deal" with Azrael as under the table Coulters Monkey is hurting Pan
FORESHADOWING!

Outside Oxford's Walls Roger and Billy and plan to steal a scholar's cape, Coulter's Monkey grabs Billy's demon and starts to choke. Roger turns to get help but is stopped by something emitting a green light off camera.

Oh my god, The Incredible Hulk got him!

We cut to NOT-Vatican city and why are the church so evil-BECAUSE THE NOT-POPE IS THE MASTER (Derek Jacobi) AND HIS NOT-CARDINAL IS COUNT DOOKU (Christopher Lee), THAT'S WHY!

They reveal their plan to inoculate(read: brainwash) all the children into dumbfucks that believe fairy stories about talking snakes and every animal in existence can fit on a boat! Ok that last statement was abrasive but that's Phillip Pullman attitude to religion he had written into this story-  their is no good Catholics and no bad Gypsies or scholars-their is no middle ground-the prevailing philosophy in this film-if you in believe in a God, then you also support atrocities made in that God's name! we also learn that Coulter is indeed a villain.

Afraid of Mrs Coulter, the Master of the college, gives Lyra the eponymous Golden Gompass, explaining that she must never let Mrs Coulter see it-Despite her knowing already about because of prophecy or some shit!

WILL LYRA SAVE HER WORLD?
WHAT PLANS DOES THE GOBLINS HAVE FOR THE KIDNAPPED KIDS?
WHAT MORE VILE HATEFUL DOULBLETALK HAS PULLMAN SLIPPED FROM HIS PEN?

YOU CAN ONLY FIND OUT NEXT MONTH AS THE ROAD TO 100 CONTINUES, ONLY ON BOGGERBOXOFFICE! 

EPISODE 87: Eamonn reviews JCVD

(This Month's theme from the Soundtrack- Unknown Artist-With a very nice cover of David Bowie's Modern Love)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMx9_CkIqAQ
Like I said that month, Jean Claude Van Damme is to many a divisive actor, if you think horror and sci-fi was a saturated genre in this decade, this was nothing compared to the slew of martial arts films in the 90s. And no-one is a bigger target to all your favourite Channel Awesomers than JCVD!

Taking a cut out of I Am Bruce, Jean plays a semi-autobiography of himself, an aging, bankrupt movie star with alimony coming out the wazoo, who's directorial debut about his connection to his faith, lost him many of his over-excited teenagers that his film caters for!

This is considered his comeback film-so lets find out if JCVD paid his "dits" or if he hasn't still got his "wakaka"?

Okay this is a bad start, it's being produced by Gaumont, the animation company that makes Oggy and the cockroaches-AKA Tom and Jerry Knockoff With Gay Overtones!

So we see the man himself doing this thing on set of his latest film, until an actor collapses the entire set by banging a door, Jean complains that he can't do a scene in 1 take at his age, the Japanese director berates him in Japanese, who asks if Jean thinks he's making Citizen Kane 

NO ONE EXPECTS CITIZEN KANE FROM JCVD! ONLY THAT HE TOOK HIS ELOCUTION LESSONS!

We cut to a paternity Trial, where the prosecutor has harped on about the violence in JC's Movies, thus losing the right to custody to his daughter. It turns out to be a flashback, transitioned nicely by a wavy wipe that turns into JC washing his face to hide the fact that he was crying!

-JC asks if can he at least be rewritten use a gun in some scenes so he can catch his breath-but the director's assistant says  he won't because JCVD's characters never used guns because they were "pure!" 

JEAN CLAUDE FOR 13TH DOCTOR! YOU HEARD IT HERE 1ST!

We cut to Belgium where in a video shop an Arab man is laughing at the authenticity of an Arab Character in a film, when JCVD Walks by, he and the shop owner stop him for autographs, before he heads off, an elderly cab-driver, tries to park on double yellows when a cop arrives-when she berates JCVD-Shots are fired-literally! as the Post Office he went to is robbed. the policeman runs to see Van Damme boarding up a window, the sliding door opens so much to let fly a few bullets into his leg as the policeman calls for backup!

The Next scene is the video-shop turned base for the police-At this point, the entire film is in Flemish with subtitles. Commissioner Christian Bruges comes in contact with JCVD, who tells him a man is unconscious and bleeding and to send a doctor in, unarmed, LT. Pertier of the SWAT Team has arrived, but since the police are not trusted they are told to come in just their underpants as the crowd mocks them.

Inside Jean Claude has a man who is obviously not a villain (!) at knifepoint, but when the doctor treats the wounded man, Van damme attacks him, but what the police doesn't see is that 1 of the robbers had a gun pointing at him, and he quickly pockets it, the hostages too scared to speak out of turn.

Inside and outside the heels and faces argue-the robbers talk about asking for a higher ransom, the police about sending in the swat team, Another wiretap reveals the robbers are using van damme as their mouthpiece/scapegoat, as being seen putting up a barricade by the traffic cop has reached the media, and the robbers doesn't take kindly to him adding his own terms to pay his lawyers!

In the holding room a montage of interviews by the man himself is spliced with a laff-trak, this leads to another paternity trial as Gloria Van Damme reveals she doesn't want to live with her father because of those interviews and she is being bullied.

This leads to straight after, when van damme is with his agent, when Gloria comes up, he quotes the Bard, and says "The Time And The Hour, In The Longest Day" basically, a dick-way of saying "Life Goes On" causing JCVD to leave for Belgium and to current events

In Belgium, Jcvd gets even worse news from Bernstien, his lawyer: the cheque has bounced and if he doesn't get the 64k, the case will be dropped.

We see how the what really happened when the robbery started, the robber called Arthur who is chummy with JC? Well he was posing as security guard, but Van Damme was desperate to wire money to his lawyers and got caught. We catch up to after the hostage gets shot, where Arthur is talking to JCVD and makes his feelings known about John Woo.

"If it wasn't for you, (Van Damme), that cunt would still be filming pigeons in Hong Kong!"
When he asks about to do with the shot hostage, Jean Claude says the man is in shock, when it happened to him in the making of Hard Target, he needed smelling salts.

This is funny! though, it's a hostage situation, with Stockholm syndrome...In reverse!

As the other robbers rebuild a barricade, Bruges is trying to question the woman driver who got shot, in the holding room, Arthur has stood up Coughing Hostage and put a cigarette in his mouth, so JCVD can kick it out, which he does to forced applause. Arthur tries it but collapses onto the hostage!

In the police station, the pigs go through JC's stuff, Bruges finds pictures of his daughter so he can appeal to his better nature, until he remembers that JCVD Attacked his doctor who was unarmed and carried out!

We cut to even earlier, JCVD Trying to draw money from the ATM, And we are now back in English, as he phones his agent for a loan, But he has bad news Stephen Seagall got the part he wanted and when VD asks for money anyway, his agent shafts him by doing the False Interference trope, but with an actual traffic jam soundboard!

Turns out the female driver who got shot was Jean Claude's cab-driver and berates him the entire journey for being a Jack-ass in real life-To flash back unexpectedly back to present events, the crowd is getting restless As Bruges struggles to get things under control, Bruges calls JC That he has arranged the ransom and the lawyers fees and all he has to do is release a mother and child hostages-and things seem to be going smoothly-UNTIL JC'S PARENTS SHOW UP!
Back inside Bad Hair Day Robber loses his shit again and tells him the kid won't leave but the mother will...because he's afraid the kid will talk?

Er...that kid is not a threat to you 1) the kid looks 4 at the most 2) a child that young is in legal terms an "incredible witness"-meaning a child lacks the emotional maturity to cope, comprehend and fully remember traumatic events. So JCVD Talks to his mother but at gunpoint, agitated JCVD tells his mother to leave him alone and get his lawyer right now!

Jean Claude and Bad Hair Day have a stand off-escalating at the same time the mother hostage is being separated from her son, JCVD Tells the mother he'll protect him, she replies "Speak for yourself!" Back in the Hostage room Jean's seat rises into the studio lights for him to break the 4th wall, he thanks his fans for sticking with him over the years and he was gong to him a "gift" (this film) and a "promise"-a promise of a realistic ending to this film-"I Win but Still lose!" he talks about that's his assessment of his life-really! he wanted to be a star, he went from stealing bread to being seen in Hollywood, but at the expense of everything-every time he thought he gained, he really lost, until he went to Thailand he saw people worse of than him, happy with just the martial arts, finding the inner peace that had alluded him, he decided to do the one thing that is hard for him-being the best JCVD he can be! he slumps back in his chair as it descends back into the film universe and the film concludes.

So lets finish this!
 Arthur and Jean Claude free the child, Arthur stands to Bad hair day, Arthur shoots him dead, Van Damme's Lawyer shafts him after receiving his money, Top Heavy releases the prisoners, But the riot squad shoots Arthur dead, Top Heavy uses JC as hostage, but he fights back and gets arrested-he's tried, he found innocent of the robbery-but they pop him for 3 years for extorting the lawyers fees!
And so the film ends in prison With Jean Claude teaching Martial Arts as his estranged Daughter finally sees him.

So how was this film?
(STANDS UP)
(SLOW CLAP INTO SINCERE ROUND OF APPLAUSE!)

This film!, oh man this film! where was this guy during the 90s?

Who thought a subdued JCVD would be so enjoyable to watch? Here we see the aging star in the rut he is in. the script is smart and savvy, from the back handed compliments of his countrymen, to the superdickery of the Americans, all presented in this luxuriously contrasting cinematography-the harsh light of Hollywood and the dark recesses of the hostage room-this film has the mood right down to a tee. Having it in mostly his native tongue was a better choice and idea of what would happen an action star was put in real life action film is a good plot. You can also say that the robbers are a microcosm of Jean's Career, Arthur's innocence being cajoled by rage (Top Heavy) and Ego (Bad Hair), many convos between them is actually about killing the hostages because Murderers are more famous than Bank Robbers!

In short, JCVD: A cerebral film with no Martial Arts, but that's not a bad thing!

CREDITS
JCVD was reviewed compiled and edited, by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli)
With music Modern Love by Unknown Artist
JCVD Is produced by Gaumont and distributed by Revolver Films. All rights Reserved

NEXT MONTH: THE GOLDEN COMPASS!

EPISODE 86: Eamonn Reviews Mr's Brown D'Movie

(This months theme-From the Soundtrack-The Script-Hail, Rain or Sunshine)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJRs8bSEhLQ
This month, I'm reviewing one of the most divisive franchises ever in recent memory, and 1 that is homegrown in Ireland: The Mrs Brown Franchise!

Yes you either see it as the BAFTA and IFTA winning comedy, the live theatre shows that fill the Point and Wembly to capacity, The show that told Putin to go feck himself when he ordered O'Carroll to re-write the character of Rory to be straight, and the money maker that has spawned books, dvd's and t-shirts, in other words you can't go into any city centre in Ireland without it on the telly, or a meme quoted at you! The Show also has a good deal of Meta-Humour in it!

~Or, you're on the other side and see it for what it is-A man in a dress telling jokes he nicked out of a Jo Brand and Joan Rivers joke books and dirty postcards, putting shows on with his family because no-one else would work with him!

Okay maybe I'm spreading the 2 opposing sides too thickly and I should find my centre, and to do that, It'll help if I explained the backstory!

Agnes Brown is the Creation of Brendan O'Carroll, An elderly, straight-talking, pushy but ultimately caring, Mother of 6, Now adult children, each one being the wide spectrum of Ireland after the Boom years-Micheal, a priest, Mark, a contracter, Trevor, a son who immigrated to Oz, Cathy, a Mature Student, Rory, a Hairdresser, and  Dermot, a sandwich-board man, Agnes is also caregiver (though I use  the term loosely) to her Father in-Law. Mark is married to Betty. Rory is in a Civil Partnership with Dino and Damien is Married to Maria, who in turn is also friends with local skanger, Buster Brady!

It seems that these days I'm becoming the "FOOTNOTE GUY" of ChannelAwesome!, so here are some handy Footnotes for all non-Irish readers!

Moore Street in Dublin, is famous for it's open Marketplace of Fruit sold out of pallets and of prams, get apples for mere pennies and get diphtheria  for free!

Skanger=CHAV, If you don't know what a chav is I explained that in part 1 of my Horrid Henry Review, this time last year!

So with that handy guide, let's take the Green Double Decker To Moore Street, this is Mrs Brown, D'Movie,

We start with Agnes (Brendan O'Carroll)  waking up after oversleeping, the morning routine is off and not going her way...except it's 5 in the evening, leaving the shows TV set and telling the audience she's excited about something, she pulls down the Dublin backdrop and reveals the real thing!
-YEAH ABOUT THAT! MRS BROWN'S TV SHOW IS NOT FILMED IN IRELAND! IT'S NOT EVEN FILMED BY IRISH TV! IT'S FILMED IN SCOTLAND BY THE BBC!

After a musical number of the Moore Street Traders setting up shop, Agnes gets a letter from the Revenue.
PLOT POINT!

At her fruit stall, she sees her son Dermot and his wife Maria(One of O'Carroll's real daughters) and their baby triplets. For those who don't watch the show, Dermot's running joke is that he's a sandwich board man with 5 minute breaks so he can't change out of whatever (usually embarrassing) costume he's told to wear! When Agnes asks how Buster (O'Carroll's real life son!) is doing...we cut to a courtroom.

Buster is on trial (seemingly again, by the judges comments!) for stealing a horse, back on Moore Street, Another Stall has being Seized by the County Council, When Agnes ponders who would gain from this, we cut to our villains for this piece, a corrupt politician  and a Russian Mafia don they are going to pull down Moore Street and put up a NOT-ALDI! in it's place!

So Agnes visits Kathy (Jennifer O'Carroll, Brendan's Real Life Wife) at her job in advertising, Kathy refutes Mammie's want of her inheriting the stall.

At church, Kathy confronts Agnes about the letter she got about the tax she owes, However the 94 Punt that her grandmother owes has ballooned to €4MILLION, in crisis the family has hired Tom Crews, the bumbling lawyer that barely got Buster acquitted.

The next day, A sleazy Lawyer for Not-ALDI! offers to buy the stall and settle the tax dispute. Kathy considers it, but poor Agnes is left consoling her photos of her Granny, the founder of her stall!

That night at Foley's, the Evil politician's name is revealed as Patrick Ryan Irwin-Candidate!
ERRR....I Don't think I've ever seen a electoral Poster where the name and the word candidate had being word-wrapped, but hey! no-one is going to stop an Acronym based joke on my blog! Agnes tells the bar that she was considering, but no matter how much people will try, it won't matter, Only for Winnie (O'carrol's Sister) Agnes' best friend to put her foot in her mouth, but remind Agnes of all her past glories fighting for the legacy of Moore Street-much to the annoyance of the Russian bodyguard listening at the bar-Ending with Mrs Brown's visoog on the cover of the Irish Star!

-MUST BE A SLOW DAY FOR THE IRISH STAR, USUALLY THEY JUST CUT AND PASTE THE BRITISH STAR AND CALL IT OUR NEWS! We Even have-HOW'S THIS FOR A MINDFUCK FOR IRISH PEOPLE?-But NORTHERN IRISH! news anchor Eamonn Holmes, in RTE!-cutting over to TV3!'S Karen Kostner! for those outside Ireland, I'm  getting at Ireland has 3 news stations- despite it's size, and only but Holmes as the One of 2 Irish celebs the Brits would recognize! Naturally the family are shocked but Agnes is soaking it up!

Dermot has his 5 minute break from being a Garden Gnome so he goes to the Community Centre to see buster doing Community Service taking over for Mr Wang (also Brendan O'Carroll) in teaching his Ninja school...for the blind! this will be part of the film climax!

And the next scene is one that scoured many eyeballs in the trailer, Agnes' gay son in a thong maniki trying to swim the channel! MOVING ON!

Dermot and Buster try to confront the Russians but only make matters worse. On the other side of the bar, Grandad has seen the entire shameful scene, gets the phone and tells the other end to get the "unit" back together,

Later that night, outside a Russian Coffee shop, Grandad's Unit, all  equally elderly men, watch Hammer Murphy, the bomb-maker with Parkinson's! it fails as you would have guessed, the bomb killing Murphy kilometres from the Russian shop.

The next day A neighbour tell agnes that her mother saw her grandmother pay the tax all those years ago, She also kept the receipt all those years, and Granny Brown paid after her! Crews hires a Lawyer called Mr Mayall-Archer (Audrey's Boyfriend out of Corrie!), Whose life was also ruined by P.R.I.C. And NOT-ALDI! He also tells Agnes that he suffers from Tourette's Under severe stress, and of course the aged witness dies!
OF COURSE SHE FUCKING DOES!

After Agnes and Winnie speed off from the funeral to National Record Services Where Blue Tooth Conversation Confusion (Why is this not a trope yet?) gets Agnes and Winnie Thrown out. Subderfuge by Dermot and Buster also fail spectacularly!

They should have called it "PLAN XANDER!" And have done with it!

That night, Buster gets his blind ninjas to attack the National Records ,but they injure themselves. A radio Interview (with cameo by Irish Talk Radio host Joe Duffy) reveal that Agnes put her children into care, thus potentially giving P.R.I.C. a counterclaim for their trail.

The next day at her stall, Agnes is so full of grief about putting the children in care all those years ago. she goes to church to confess...only for the audience to learn that It's being Wiretapped by the Russians!
...OH NO(!) The Catholic Church in Ireland is not on the-up-and-up, Colour me NOT SURPRISED!

The Day of the Trail. and PRIC is the prosecutor, who brings up Agnes collecting the children's allowance whilst her children were in care. This sets off Mr Mayall-Archer's Tourette's and the  Judge (Frank Kelly) can't take him seriously.

So buster makes another daring raid with the blind ninjas, back at home, the family have already forgivin Mammie, but she's missing, Kathy finds her inconsolable mother, but Mammie does explain that the nuns gave her a choice of only 2 to raise but refused, so she took all her children and jail-time. Kathy forgives Agnes.

In the Records Office, the Ninjas discover the receipt is missing deducing from the witnesses own docket that if Granny Brown was next in line the adjacent number will in storage-except it's missing-we cut to PRIC burning it, but reading the docket again, makes one of the ninjas tell Buster and Wang that the tax inspector was blind! and if the tax inspector was blind, then two dockets would be on display in the hall of records-one in braille! So the ninjas find it and are on the run.

Agnes goes to Moore street to apologise to the traders, but they are gone, only to see  all the traders at court. Buster escapes via air-vents and "borrows" Mr wang's Tuk-Tuk to escape the gun toting rushkies with the receipt. It ends with Damien, Agnes and Buster out Petrol on Ha'penny Bridge, surrounded by Gards and Russians, until the notice of the A-team's music, shows Grandad on a boat, with the music blaring out of a radio. telling them to jump into River Liffey, With buster causing a hole in the boat. Mark Brown (another son, but not in real life!) drives buster and Damien to the Russians split up but 1 gives chase, but it turns out that Buster gave agnes a betting slip by accident and the Russians did a number on Mark's Van.

But remember Buster's Trail for Stealing A Horse-I DIDN'T! until we see him on 1 whilst still dressed as a ninja

Back at court-PRIC lets out the amount offered by Not-ALDI, giving the bumbling Crews a fighting chance. Kathy gives an impassioned speech and reveals that she's ready to inherit the stall on her turn.

So let's fecking finish this fecking fecker!
Buster and Damien in a nod to Into The West, Burst into the Supreme Court with the Evidence on the Horse, Mrs Brown Wins the Case, The Russians capture PRIC, Agnes signs off with her catchphrase, "It always works out in the end" as cast, crew and stunt people dance on the steps of the Supreme Court.

And so I suppose you want me to finally put this film to rest-Well I can't help you because HALF OF THIS FILM SUCKS!

When I said that this film was divisive, I was not kidding!
Postives include actually filmed in Dublin, rather than the shows sound stage in Scotland and it's cameos of Irish celebrities (Joe Duffy, Shane Duffy, John Kenny) though the newsreaders in the wrong studios made me deduct points for realism. And I was surprised by Jenny O'Carroll's little filibuster at the end of the court scene-She can really act!

But at the end of the day, it's still a man in dress making cock jokes and I didn't like the double shift of Brendan as Mr Wang-who we are told is not Chinese, he's just very tanned, but doesn't stop him from speaking Engrish Ranguage! The other running joke of Raj being mistaken for Jamaican, when, with a name like Raj, definitely isn't, went nowhere. As then they're were some of the extras, who stared into the camera and hammed it up-or maybe they were relations too!

Still he's my final say: Mrs Brown D'Movie: A Marmite film and just maybe, Europe's answer to Office Space In that Regard!

CREDITS
Mrs Brown D'Movie was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music from
The Script: Hail Rain or Sunshine
Mrs Brown D'Movie is Property of the BBC and Distributed by Universal. All Rights Reserved
Follow me on Twitter @RealEnli

NEXT MONTH:THIS MONTH A DIVISIVE FILM, NEXT MONTH A DIVISIVE ACTOR, WITH THE WORLD AGAINST HIM, HOW DOES THE MUSCLES FROM BRUSSELS FARE IN HIS COMEBACK, JCVD?