HALLOWEEN SPECIAL 2022: BATTLESTAR WARS

 Once Upon a Time...

In a Galaxy Far Far Away....

So Far In Fact, That Disney could not send out any of their Lawyers!

So we Open with a Non-Copyrighted Text Scrawl BLAH BLAH BLAH Evil Coalition of Planets BLAH BLAH BLAH Rebel Scum BLAH BLAH BLAH Secret planet destroying Weapon!

We Truly open with Generic 3D Ships with one boarded by the other after it was reported stolen by the Coalition. The thief, who tries to run is arrested by this Amalgamation of the Jedi and Stormtrooper costumes, The Rebel, Shoots the control pad to crash the ship! The Coalition agent requests back up but is refused. The Rebel, Corbrine, tells him that the Coalition has lied to the Paladins for Eons.

The Storm-Jedis are called "Paladins"

"WHAT'S A PALADIN?"

The Rebels want a planet free of war. A planet hidden and spoken in Legend. The Paladin exclaims there is no such planet in this Sector!

And here is where we get the "Battlestar" in BATTLESTAR WARS!

The Hidden Planet is Earth.

The Rebel Pleads his case, but the paladin tries to request his terms of surrender, but the orders are kill Rebels on Sight. This makes the Paladin Sacrifice himself as he tells Corbrine to take as many Refugees he can and put them on his ship to get to planets surface, The ship explodes with a force Effect also descending to Earth.

Title Drop and so does my Expectations. As the screen tells us that this is a film by the Asylum, World Famous Rip-off Merchants!

2 years later.

The Same Rebel, has embarked onto a bigger ship, manned by a female Captain called Ajax, who thinks Corbrine is getting sloppy delivering Supplies to Haven, as Earth is called here! Ajax has a Chewbacca, or rather, a low Budget Chewbacca as a Muscleman wearing Chewie's Bandolier and a Viking Beard Growls his line that he is A Novak, a warrior race with no naming conventions who Once killed 2000 of his Kind to prove worthy of joining the Rebels.

Meanwhile on the Coalition ship, (not that you can tell, they use 4 sets in all and both ship quarters and bridge for both sides are the exact same 2 sets) We meet our real Hero, Princess Reystara (yes Really,) who fixes her android called Helper, is the C3PO of this world, because she has a British Accent! She can also teleport, a special Effect done to death. She is also an android, not a robot, because it saves on Costumes!

Reystara has a Secret, but since this is a star wars rip-off, they Spare us what it is, when a Cross between Boba Fett and Baldrick from Blackadder tells her that her father requires to see her.

The Empire has being Searching for  Haven as Not-Boba meets with Lord Malicesaur, a John Barrowman look alike in a red Bathrobe. (Yes, I can see that his name is Different, but in the film, They pronounce it As "Malicesaur", because no one is professional at all, to commit to the piece, even if it's garbage!)

You know what?

 Lord Malicesaur is too cool a name for a yob like you, you are Lord Bathrobe from now on! Also the ship is manned by other Helpers. It saves on hiring more actors.

Corbrine and Ajax argue about the events of the opening scene, how a Thousand refugees were left to die, because they were caught by a Paladin, and Ajax did Nothing with the Freighter he now stands in. So Corbrine invites Ajax to Haven, who believes she killed the Paladin and she was feeling guilty of it. So she asks why she is given this second chance.

Corbrine tells her that they found a Miracle Do-Everything Material called Mana, But they can't Retrieve it all on their Meager Ships, which is why they need a Freighter. And with it, they can trade Mana to turn haven from a backwater planet to a Real Civilization.  

But it turns out Ajax and her Crew have turned Traitor. Meanwhile Lord Bathrobe tells Baldrick Fett to fetch his daughter to watch Daddy Work. But Reystara sends a hologram Of her as she and Helper plan there Escape. Baldrick Fett Exposits that she must be A little sad her Home planet is to be Destroyed or she hasn't targeted him in pranks out of  Passive Aggression, so he doesn't notice that the Hologram doesn't emote.

If her Actress did, she would be over qualified for this gig!

Reystara and Her Helper Unit use an Escape Pod to get to Haven, Lord Bathrobe sends a hammy speech to the people of Haven and tells his Scruffy robed Toady, Zelus (YES, REALLY!) to Set a Blockade around the planet, no ships in or out!

Ajax and Novak rob Corbrine blind of his mana, So Reystara and Helper, using a voice changer to sound like Bathrobe,to fake an official arrest to rescue the rebels. Reystara tells the rebel Leader who's side she's on but warns that The Coalition army is looming, Corbrine tells the princess that they don't have an army! The rebels are Orphans, widows, farmers, at best a few weapon smugglers, but none that can compete with the Coalition's Army. But they do have the Paladin, the only trouble is the Paladins swear undying loyalty to the Coalition. And he is in hypersleep after the Fight they had 2 years ago.

Distracted by Malicesaur, Ajax is told that he gave no such order to his daughter, Our 3 heroes retrieve Corbrine's Ship to return to Haven.

They Dock in an Abandoned Ship in an Asteroid belt to retrieve the Paladin from his pod, but he's still a little tender from his injuries.

Denz, to give his name, does know everyone and trusts Corbrine, though he does state he is an idiot, But doesn't fully extend his trust to Reystara, as out of his serfdom, he claims she is a traitor! He still wants to turn Corbrine In, But Reystara's Influence makes her able to override all of Denz' Weapons and traps! As a pod drops down to Haven Containing Ajax's Crew.

Reystara tells Denz peace was never an option, if her father sent an army to capture one ship. Bathrobe is surprised a Paladin is still alive, (Because lets add World-building as we go along!)

Zelus and Denz have a Dogfight so intense, Denz drops his English Accent for a Swedish One!

Meanwhile Ajax Sends Goons to kill Corbrine who get easily Killed.

So Reystara and Denz are on Haven, and like Luke and Obi-wan Before them they try to convince the other that The Emperor can be reason with.

Darth Vader was Disfigured and lost everyone he loved and Trusted because of his Ambition and his own actions to carry out said ambitions, he is a Vulnerable shell of a man covered in a cold unfeeling, terrifying facade-"He is more Machine Than Man"

Lord Bathrobe is a guy who looks like John Barrowman in his Dressing room spouting lines like he's doing Shakespeare in a Community Theatre  

THEY ARE NOT THE SAME!

A few Lasers Shoot at Denz' Shield as Restraya finds a Few Child Actors who run off on Cue. The Rebel Ships fly off leaving Corbrine to be Captured by Novak. As Zelus Retrieves some kind of Paladin Weapon, which he tells Denz he stole from the many Paladins he killed, Denz is the last of their kind, seems like the Paladins caught wind of how oppressive the Coalition became and was wiped out in a coup 2 years ago. He also tells Reystara he killed her Mother for being a Pointwoman for the Rebels. They go to have a fight, but Helper teleports them away.

Back on Corbrine's Ship, Helper and the others set Coordinates to Ajax' Freighter. Denz doesn't trust the Pirates out of Principal and because they Betrayed them already! But instead of Rescuing Corbrine, they plan on Negotiating with her instead. But that might be off the table with  Corbrine having a bomb stuck to his chest. They get Thrown into a brig, but they forget about Helper, who Finds Corbrine and deactivates the bomb

When Ajax tries and Squeeze more Money out of Lord Bathrobe, he gets even more Huffy, and so Ajax Turns face more times than the Big Show! Helper Teleports to give Denz his Sword back to kill some Extras and Beats up Novak like a little Bitch!

So his Brag of killing 2000 of his kind now feels like bragging about killing a box of kittens if he is easily one shot by a Middle-aged Man with Broken Ribs!

The Pirates are Captured by the Coalition and made to talk, But Novak refuses and Requests his freedom via Trial By Combat. Zelus Exposists that Novak are a clone race bred as soldiers who Use Mass Slaughter to prove worthy of a leader-The fact that Novak has not Committed Ritual Suicide proves Ajax is still alive.

The Rebels Returns to Haven and Reystara is Knocked by Ajax doing her 1000th Betrayal in this film. Waking up Corbrine Shows Reystara to a cave where inside they show her the thing they are all fighting for- Pure Mana, a literal Final Fantasy Life Stream in a Cave. If the Coalition gets all this, all life is forfeit. 

Now to Tack on more Lore.

So All this Time, Reystara had Necklace made of Pure Mana, Which Corbrine calls a Traveler's Trinket, It can share a Memory and it can be seen as a video and Lo and Behold, they Recreate Leia's Message to Obi Wan, They even put an Actress in a Composite Costume of all the Costumes and Hair Styles Carrie Fisher Wore! And It's Solely Here to tie up loose Ends!

Denz Teleports behind Zelus to Ambush him, but the reentry causes him to Collapse, So Zelus Refuses to fight him, so instead blasts Haven's Abandoned Warehouse District with his Drones! 

Reystara and Corbrine who were knocked out by the Blast, wake to Smoke alarms, the Humans stagger to safety while Helper says she will hold off any intruders!

Zelus and Denz are ready to Fight, But Lord Bathrobe fires a Tractor Beam as Denz as  Zelus is returned to the Ship, where all our heroes have being captured off-screen! Reystara calls Zelus a Murderer who...Force Chokes her....BECAUSE WHY NOT?, LETS JUST STEAL EVERYTHING!

Lord Bathrobe gloats how very Smart and Very Evil he is as Zelus Force chokes Haven's Security codes out of Corbrine. As the Coalition starts extracting the core out of Haven.

So Lets Wrap this up!

Corbrine is Put in the Brig with the Pirates, Denz is Put in his Hypersleep pod where his protests wakes up a knocked out Ajax. Helper frees the prisoners and Reystara for one final attack. Because of all the Mana Ajax stole, Denz can boost his weapons, he teleports as Zelus goes to kill Reystara, but it's her who kills him as she shoots him through an airlock. Lord Bathrobe confesses to the Murder of his wife, So to his daughter, which he vows to kill like any other rebel. Rip-off X-wings blasts Generic 3d Spaceships (X-wings they shouldn't Have because they are supposed to be Farmers and Orphans!) The Core of the planet has Entered Space, But a Spaceship at Ramming speed can put the core back in place. Denz Volunteers to crash the Freighter into the Mana, But Since Helper is not Human, she has no qualms about sacrificing her non existent life.

And So the film ends with our Heroes with Our heroes Posing and vowing to take Down the Coalition as Ships and Meteors crash behind them.

"WE DID IT! WE SAVED HAVEN!"

As it turns out Zelus Is Shown to be Still alive in some Sequel Bait!

THIS IS A FILM BY THE ASYLUM! OF COURSE IT SUCKS!

Noone Actors! Free Use sfx! A Script stolen by a much better film! How do these Clowns Keep getting Away with this shit? But the Real Annoyance is That some characters have informed attributes, Zelus claims that Reystara has a sense of Humour that he is Victim of, well, Show us! Have her make Puns and one liners and snappy comebacks to the Enemies. Novak Is a from a Culture breed for Combat, whose Culture contains Unyielding Fealty and Ritual Slaughter of weaker Clones. Expand on that! But No, it's a 1 hour film, and the Asylum needs to film 5 more ripoffs before the day is over!

CREDITS

Battlestar Wars was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER -@REALENLI)

with Media from;

Battlestar Wars

Spongebob

The Spoony Experiment

Breaking Bad.

Battlestar Wars was created by the Asylum (And i use the term Created Loosely!) All Rights Reserved all Media used Belong to there Respective owners!

NEXT MONTH...

It is the Traditional Post-Halloween Pre-Christmas Dump! Where Tv Stations throw up there Hands and show Non-Christmas Family films that could be Unintentional Nightmare Fuel! Like my next review!-CLIFFORD THE BIG RED CGI MONSTROSITY....I MEAN DOG!