Here we are with the Halloween Special, where it's Customary on this website to delve into the Very Worst of Sky's Freeview Horror and Sci-fi channels.
Only this year, we have a little Problem.
Last winter, Horror channel, CBS Action and Thriller all rebranded as Legend, and widened their programming beyond their former identities' Niches, for good and bad, sure we can now spring for Hammer Horror and classics like Day Of The Triffids, But any bad Horror is lost in the shuffle of equally bad modern westerns, Mindless Shot-All-Dem-Dar-Russians Action Films and Cheesy Romance Films.
So yeah, this year, I Really had to delve my hand into the Celluloid Sewer to pull out Specific Crap from a sea of Crap!
But I still pulled a Turd out to be examined-And what can be better than a Former Big-Time TV Star from the most overrated AF show of the Late Nineties, punching Plastic Tentacles while stage hands dump water on you on a Shaky Sound stage?
Let's Dig into 2007's Eye of the Beast.
Watching this from a recording on Sky, so no review on artwork!
THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED PG, BUT THIS REVIEW IS WRITTEN WITH AN ADULT AUDIENCE IN MIND.
The film starts on the night of the Full Moon on a lake, where Cringy parody of CURRENT YEAR! Hip hop plays out, as two Stupid Sexy Teens in a Speedboat make out!
So the Stupid Sexy Teen Boy throws his trash into the water, which make the Stupid Girl not put out... for a minute! Until she hears a noise, so we get the Customary fake-out, until the real thing comes to kill our Hormonal Happy Meals on Legs, as a tentacle Drags down the Speedboat (The CGI clearly shows a Ship being crushed!) As the boy, Bobby cries out for Chrissy, who is no doubt dead!
Cut to the morning here in the lakeside town of Fell Island, as the Good looking female Sheriff exercises in preparation to having an action scene later. We cut to an empty pub, as a Fisherman tells his wife, the publican, he's picking up a scientist that's come to the island to investigate the drop of the Fish population, otherwise the local business will be in trouble.
And so to the Sheriff's office, Chrissy's adult brother, Pete, who was the only family she had, reports her missing to Sheriff Kat who gives him the old 48 hour excuse (Which is a fabrication of Hollywood!) But it seems Kat had a thing with him back in the day, something that has given her a bad reputation when any outsiders come to town.
Speaking of, we get the new Arrivals , a Family of pampered unlikable Tourists and our hero Dr James Van Der Guy from a Music Video! This is Fell Island, an armpit of Nowhere, in Ontario, Canada, That makes it's commerce via A struggling Fishing industry, lakeside Home-share real estate and "the Beast" as a local t-shirt peddler calling himself "The Capt'n" gets a rise out of the Tourists.
Dr Dan Leland (Van Der Beek) meets with the Sheriff who predictably enough, makes Goo-goo eyes at the PhD, only she doesn't want his PH, she only wants his.... I'LL STOP!
He wants to get to business as soon as possible, much to the anger of Gunner, the fisherman we saw earlier. Kat exposits that the fishermen don't trust Any researchers as they in the Past were bribed by the fishing companies, who just want to up and leave the smaller islands in favour of bigger catches. They also believe the low numbers are because of the "Indians" who are exploiting Traditional Rights to overfish. (This film was made in 2007, so it was a different time!)
Gunner's Boat Brings them out to the middle of the lake, meanwhile we are back with our family of Yuppies having a walk at Lakeside, the father is snatched by a tentacle, while taking Pictures of stones- Being a City Slicker I'm sure the only grass and rocks he's seen are the kind sold in back alleys!
Back on the boat, Dr Leland doesn't make himself anymore welcome, but since they are all R*cist on this Boat, why would he? Back at the Bar, all the Fishwives gossip, like they do and are Convinced Sheriff Kat puts herself out for the revolving door of Scientists to convince them to close down the cannery, as we learn the Fishing Company had it's hand in on the island's Game and Fishing Department and maybe they Should "Convince" Kat to be on their side, for once.
That night, Leland's sonar picks up something not moving in the water, they find the debris of Bobby's speedboat and a Unconscious Bobby. He startles back to life, rambling about a monster eating Chrissy, before he Dies from Hypothermia.
Leland examines the Debris and Finds not Bite marks, but spiral marks, like those from a tentacle, but nothing that big shouldn't exist, not in a cold freshwater land locked lake. He's worried but he makes the mistake of not telling the suspicious fisherman what he found.
Kat gets a Phonecall by the crew to retrieve Bobby's body for Autopsy. When Leland shows Kat the Debris that had Spiral Patterns, Kat accuses them all of evidence tampering, causing Gunner to let slip about "Giant Squid". Chrissy's Brother hears this and now knows his sister is dead.
Using Google Dr Leland matches the pattern to an image found on a whale, he's convinced there is a giant Squid in the waters surrounding them.
Leland and Kat get to know each other while searching for the missing Tourist and they find him- or at least, they find What's left!
Kat invites Leland for a drink that night, not helping the Rumours that she hooks up with all the Scientists for her bosses. Chrissy's family are native American, as is Kat. They are sitting at a table speaking to each other in their native tongue about taking revenge. When Dr Leland invites himself over to talk to them, his friendly actions causes a Fight between them and the Fishermen when the white men harangue the natives and steal their beers, but Leland and Kat break it up, meanwhile the "Capt'n" Finds Chrissy's leg while fishing, which is identified as hers at the police station, when Pete sees the Bracelet he made for his sister, as a girl.
Kat Issues a Ban on Fishing which naturally doesn't go down well with the Fishermen, Who accuse the Native Sherrif of Favouring her "Own Kind". Dr Leland tries to make them see sense, except he's about as welcome as a Box Of Cancer too! So the Fishermen resolve to man the fishery themselves.
Kat showing both warring parties the Tourist's Torso and Kat's Leg Convinces them neither is at fault for their deaths, Meanwhile Gunner's Crew, Noah and Spider have Stolen Debris to sell to the likes of "Capt'n" or anyone who will pay good money on the existence of "The Beast", Much to Dr Leland's Falling credibility when he issues a report to his Superiors, who are not Convinced and drag up his Daddy Issues, (It was mentioned the older Dan Leland is like the Superstar of Marine Biology!)
In the Bar, despite the doctor being Persona Non Gratia, They Serve him, However Mrs Jen Gunner exposists that Kat "saw" a Lake Monster "kill" her father and she never got over her delusion, citing it as the reason she wants the Fishery Closed Down. Kat has opted to take time off, just as Dawson explains how Deep we are Up this Creek!
Kat brings Leland to her house and sure enough, she is obsessed with Giant Squid, But it's not enough to convince his Bosses, even if they had proof, Then they would Protect the squid and Relocate everyone off the island.
At the same time the Gunners Contemplate their future...when a CGI Tentacle give them both a pat on the back! In their panic, Jen throws her husband's knife to him and he cuts off the tentacle...Well There's Your Proof!
Gunner Throws the tentacle Onto the table at the bar as the local Yokels have more Slack in their Jaws than usual! Leland sees this, and with a handful of squid blood goes to Kat to convince her to either stop the creature or Gunner and his men from leading a suicide mission!
So the Plan is to Stop Gunner by using their collective knowledge to convince the fisherman how inadequate his equipment are, So Kat wants Gunner and his men to team with the Natives.
So the Film devolves into Night-time B-roll and Plastic Tentacles hitting actors Splashed by Buckets of water by an offscreen stagehand.
The plan is to use the Squid's Naturally Emitted ammonia which it uses to regulate it's body temperature. If they can keep it near the surface it'll overheat itself!
So Let's Wrap this up!
The Squid Destroys the Engines of Gunner's Ship, Not to Attack it, But to stop them from rescuing the Native Ship, who are picked off one by one, by plastic Tentacles and the ship is crushed by the same animation that crushed the speedboat-And they are next! Leland has a plan B-Just plain electrocute the dahm thing with Wires and Harpoons, The beast kills Noah and Spider, it Drags Gunner but finds Kat Gunner has Rigged the Device to Blow, but his escape route is blocked, the Giant Squid reveals itself as Kat gets her Revenge by Harpooning it right in the eye, Gunner flips the switch as the electrified Squid falls back into the depths, now dead, But for romantic drama, Fishing lines tie around Kat's foot and Pulls her into the water, and she nearly drowns, if not for Dr Leland saving her and they Kiss in the water as Gunner rolls his eyes, and So the Sun Rises On Fell Lake, With our Heroes making plans to get the hell outta dodge before there are talks of a sequel!
NOT BAD, NOT REMARKABLE EITHER!
Due to the limited Technology of 2007, and The Reputation of Canada's Film Board, this film naturally has little resources going into it! The smart choice Was to write this script in the Godzilla Method: Tease the Creature's appearance, Focus on the Human Drama caused by the presence of this creature and make it believable, like having a creature terrorise a fishing town causing it's citizens to turn on each other and blame outsiders!
It all falls apart in the 3rd act, where the action is moved from Scenic Ontario to a sound stage, where Van Der Beek, The Cameraman from Power rangers Dino Thunder and a few soap actors fight rubber tentacles as stage hands shake the platform they are standing on! While the CGI hasn't aged well, these 2000s era Sci-fi channel original movies of this calibre have some charm!
CREDITS
Eye of the Beast was reviewed, compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With media from
Jontron
Eye Of the Beast.
Eye of the Beast was Produced for Syfy (then called Sci-fi Channel) by RHI and Sonar Entertainment
All rights reserved. All media used belong to their respective owners.
NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE
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"When I Was Young....I was a famous Brother...."
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Next Month we go through the True story of the Famed Von Erich Family of Wrestlers, a clan who are were blessed with god-given talent and cursed with Tragedy that would tear their world apart! As we ring the bell and Tussle with The Iron Claw!
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