merry christmas to all and before my month long hiatus, i have three more internet related errands to do here is the first, my top 10 christmas specials.
IT WAS HARD NARROWING THESE DOWN SO IF YOUR FAVOURITE IS NOT HERE PLEASE DONT HOLD IT AGAINST ME!
10. THE SNOWMAN
a christmas classic, yes, but if you wondering why its down low its because of the ending. the snowman melts/dies and you dont want to be a kid crying into your ice-cream, getting all upset!
9.MR HANKY THE CHRISTMAS POO.
Trey parker and Matt Stone has always turned christmas on its head. from jesus and santa having a wrestling match to disney animals worship Satan.buts kyles imaginary friend that teaches us something usually forgotten, good will towards men.
8.QI CHRISTMAS SPECIAL.
the only ongoing series on this list, qi is a quiz hosted by stephen fry. every episode regular guest Alan davies is the butt of stephens jokes until this happened.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4F_w2QKIs5I WATCH FROM 5:30
7. TIED FOR 7TH, CIRCUSES, MAGIC SHOWS (AND IF YOU'RE A GIRL) BALLET
christmas tv should be about spectacle, things you should see once or never again. my favourites? david copperfield making the statue of liberty disapeer, Paul Daniels Magician's ball and the Masked Magician.
6. WORLDS STRONGEST MAN
as i mentioned in last years final resolution review, this is as much a christmas tradition as goose, sprouts and bad cracker jokes.
5. CHRISTMAS CAROL(BUT NEVER THE KELSEY GRAMMER VERSION)
Now to complain about a bad film! frasier crane is scrooge in this polilictal correctness gone mad Garbage!
you didnt have black people in victorian England! and if they did they would have being Slaves! i sorry but it's true!
4. blackadder christmas carol.
A unique twist on the story as a kind man is convinced by ghosts to become a Bastard! Without giving to much away , nothing ever goes Blackadder's way now does it?
3. EARTHWORM JIM
Every cartoon villian kidnaps Santa, but Queen Slug -For-A-Butt brainwash santa to the darkside!
2.LATE LATE TOY SHOW.
The lost chat show in the world, irelands own late late has a special show where kids and celebrities(well, irish celebrities and the odd british D-Lister who lives here!) test and try the new toys. but the real star is Dustin the turkey who would chastise the presenter.
HONOURABLE MENTIONS
Sliders
Doctor who
Wizard of Oz
Smash hits awards pary
top of the pops
Willie Wonka
Father Ted
Are you being served
morecombe and wise
Zulu
the great escape
all the wallace and gromits
Hogfather
AND THE NUMBER ONE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL IS ...
THE DEN LAPLAND SPECIALS COLLECTIVELY KNOWN AS CHRISTMAS CRISIS
WATCH FOR YOURSELF THE BEST ONE FROM 1992 BELOW
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCv4yPqZKQ and follow the links to the other 3 parts.
well thats it! merry christmas and a happy new year!
Monday, December 6, 2010
Monday, November 1, 2010
Eamonn reviews Ant n Dec's Alien Autopsy
(this months theme P.J. and Duncan (ant n dec) lets get ready to rumble- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_sJmIQrH54 )
If you're an American and you ask a british person to name something they dont have in America and after sarcasticly saying the English langaunge they will say
1) our beautiful landscape
2) Cadbury's Chocolate (more on that later!)
3) and Ant n Dec on the television.
so let me explain to my international readers who they are.
Declan donneley and Ant Mcparlan are britian's biggest TV stars. starting in depressingly bad childerns show Byker Grove (with biker spelled with a Y...B-COZ PUR LITRA-C IZ...KEWL!)
They even became a boy-band the ear sodomy above is their biggest "hit" before a decade later hosting the award winning "Saturday Night Takeaway". And they joke about their music carear
Ant: we where number 1 for 9 weeks
Dec: no we where number 9 for 1 weeks
But you will never hear anything about this film. Mainly because die-hard fans where expected to see a feature film of there own material.
so with that in mind lets "probe" into Alien Autopsy and see what the fuss is about!
So the film starts cleaverly in the office of the studio that released this film. Qwerty films. the director is told that their next subjects refused to sign contracts until the director googles there names.And the film starts by rewinding the screen.
let me take you back to 1995, Peter kay made his tv debut, playstation blindsided nintendo and sega in the Console Wars and My childhood was ruined by THE VAN DAMME FILM THAT MUST NOT BE NAMED!
its also the year that(real life, this is a true story) two london businessmen created a hoax.
so this is the story of Ray Santelli(Dec) and Gary Sheffield(Ant). Okay, calling ray a business man is a overstatement as he makes Pirate videos. but he is going into jerk with a heart of gold terriority by using the money to look after his nan.
so after Ray is arrested he goes to Gary's workplace. Gary is a clerk at a legal firm and Jimmy carr is his boss who overlooks gary for promotion and also tasks gary to pick candidate for the job he wanted. and he plays it with aplomb.
so the guys go to Cleaveland ohio to buy footage for Elvis last performance.they came for Elvis memberbillia but came back with something more...
(the real Santelli and Sheffield to this day claim they did see actual alien footage)
so the boys need an investor so they turned to Vorash an alien obsessed slightly unhinged drug dealer.
Unfortunatly the film is so sun damaged and ray fearing his life devises a plan. with the help of specially made dummy, omar dwadji as a camera man and kebab off-cuttings. the filming is a trail of errors, with Dwadji hamming it as a director and nan getting into shot offering cups of tea.
so Vorash is shown the film and is moved to tears.
Ray did it! it is the con of the centuary!
but its not enough!
Ray screens it at the London Muesum. world soon spreads worldwide. so gary quits his job(though Doug walkers was better.) so they plan to sell it to the highest bidder in every country.
things take a turn for the worse. vorash gets killed by the CIA, steal the original film and conclude its a fake!
so its the night of the premiere. And Johnathan frakes (of star trek fame) makes a cameo as the host of his own programme, fact or fiction. Gary is angry that ray gets all the credit. Gary is scared of the trappings of fame, but ray just rolls with, travelling to Argentina to be interviewed. but gets carried away with his stories.
Eventually they ask for original footage but of course the cia stole it from Vorash.
The Original owner is targeted by reporters, so ray plans to give the news networks an interview with a bum posing as him.
Unfortunatly the lab engineer has salvaged some of the original film. and it was a real autopsy. Shocked by the reality that they could have made more money, they bury it. so the film ended with an interview with the real Santelli and Sheffield.
THIS FILM WAS...meh!
Ant and dec, who werent the best child actors havent improved with age. Thankfully they have a strong support in Omar Dwadji, Bill Pullman, Jonathan Frakes and Jimmy Carr. its easy to see that hardcore fans of the duo hate this film, but you can't blame them for trying something different. If you a looking a film that will knock 2 hours from you if your bored. then this is worth "abducting". If you where expected something more, then you deserve to be blinded by a paintball gun!
well thats it. And i am glad to announce that starting friday the 5th of november 2010 is my theme month of Cadbury's chocolate. that is over at pathofenlightment.blogspot.com and if you have any questions or just want to say hi, click here at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
If you're an American and you ask a british person to name something they dont have in America and after sarcasticly saying the English langaunge they will say
1) our beautiful landscape
2) Cadbury's Chocolate (more on that later!)
3) and Ant n Dec on the television.
so let me explain to my international readers who they are.
Declan donneley and Ant Mcparlan are britian's biggest TV stars. starting in depressingly bad childerns show Byker Grove (with biker spelled with a Y...B-COZ PUR LITRA-C IZ...KEWL!)
They even became a boy-band the ear sodomy above is their biggest "hit" before a decade later hosting the award winning "Saturday Night Takeaway". And they joke about their music carear
Ant: we where number 1 for 9 weeks
Dec: no we where number 9 for 1 weeks
But you will never hear anything about this film. Mainly because die-hard fans where expected to see a feature film of there own material.
so with that in mind lets "probe" into Alien Autopsy and see what the fuss is about!
So the film starts cleaverly in the office of the studio that released this film. Qwerty films. the director is told that their next subjects refused to sign contracts until the director googles there names.And the film starts by rewinding the screen.
let me take you back to 1995, Peter kay made his tv debut, playstation blindsided nintendo and sega in the Console Wars and My childhood was ruined by THE VAN DAMME FILM THAT MUST NOT BE NAMED!
its also the year that(real life, this is a true story) two london businessmen created a hoax.
so this is the story of Ray Santelli(Dec) and Gary Sheffield(Ant). Okay, calling ray a business man is a overstatement as he makes Pirate videos. but he is going into jerk with a heart of gold terriority by using the money to look after his nan.
so after Ray is arrested he goes to Gary's workplace. Gary is a clerk at a legal firm and Jimmy carr is his boss who overlooks gary for promotion and also tasks gary to pick candidate for the job he wanted. and he plays it with aplomb.
so the guys go to Cleaveland ohio to buy footage for Elvis last performance.they came for Elvis memberbillia but came back with something more...
(the real Santelli and Sheffield to this day claim they did see actual alien footage)
so the boys need an investor so they turned to Vorash an alien obsessed slightly unhinged drug dealer.
Unfortunatly the film is so sun damaged and ray fearing his life devises a plan. with the help of specially made dummy, omar dwadji as a camera man and kebab off-cuttings. the filming is a trail of errors, with Dwadji hamming it as a director and nan getting into shot offering cups of tea.
so Vorash is shown the film and is moved to tears.
Ray did it! it is the con of the centuary!
but its not enough!
Ray screens it at the London Muesum. world soon spreads worldwide. so gary quits his job(though Doug walkers was better.) so they plan to sell it to the highest bidder in every country.
things take a turn for the worse. vorash gets killed by the CIA, steal the original film and conclude its a fake!
so its the night of the premiere. And Johnathan frakes (of star trek fame) makes a cameo as the host of his own programme, fact or fiction. Gary is angry that ray gets all the credit. Gary is scared of the trappings of fame, but ray just rolls with, travelling to Argentina to be interviewed. but gets carried away with his stories.
Eventually they ask for original footage but of course the cia stole it from Vorash.
The Original owner is targeted by reporters, so ray plans to give the news networks an interview with a bum posing as him.
Unfortunatly the lab engineer has salvaged some of the original film. and it was a real autopsy. Shocked by the reality that they could have made more money, they bury it. so the film ended with an interview with the real Santelli and Sheffield.
THIS FILM WAS...meh!
Ant and dec, who werent the best child actors havent improved with age. Thankfully they have a strong support in Omar Dwadji, Bill Pullman, Jonathan Frakes and Jimmy Carr. its easy to see that hardcore fans of the duo hate this film, but you can't blame them for trying something different. If you a looking a film that will knock 2 hours from you if your bored. then this is worth "abducting". If you where expected something more, then you deserve to be blinded by a paintball gun!
well thats it. And i am glad to announce that starting friday the 5th of november 2010 is my theme month of Cadbury's chocolate. that is over at pathofenlightment.blogspot.com and if you have any questions or just want to say hi, click here at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Halloween special: Wasting Away
(Joe-Jack is nailing boards to a window)
oh Hallo, i'll be wif ya in a minit!
ya! dat should do it! dont want a repeat ov last year!
(see october 2009 entry-Eamonn)
(this months theme-Margaritaville by jimmy buffet- http//www.youtube.com/watch?v=qFljuj-I_fE
HOLY MOTHER OV GOD!WHAT A FUCKIN' TERRIBLE FILLIUM!
So da fillium starts with a us soldier being injected wif a toxin dat turns him intah a zombie. Da goverment cover it up dumping the barrell as ice-cream. its important to point out that reality in this film is filliumed in black and white and zombie perspective is filliumed in colour.
one of the barrells make it to a bowling alley where we met out 4 horror stereotypes.
Bullied Nerd, Stupid Jock,dumb blonde, and smart brunette. and no i will knot learn there name as they act only as there labels command as we shall see.
so after the morons eat da ice-cream and turn into zombies. they are revived in a colour world. where dey find themselves transformed. they have supah strength. impervious to pain but unable to communicate with humans. they met a soldier that tells them that the icecream they ate has turned them into super-soldiers. and it would have being confining if Blonde didn't eat a cat!
and its ovivious that Soldier is a zombie as only zombies and drunks can talk to otha zombies.
so the zombies enter a bar where dey are attacked. after killing the bar man, Jock makes a brain Margarita.
so dat who dat song goes.
"WASTED AGAIN IN MARGARITAVILLE, SEARCHING FER...ME VICTIMS PULPED OUT BRAINSSSSSSS.
In town, the general and scientist that covered up the toxin are in a mexican resturant, soldier disguises himself as a waiter but gets rumbled when he decomposes on the food.
at the same time our morons still obivivlous dat they are split up.
so nerd and blonde go to her parents house and the father blows himself up. the nerd and blonde confess they luv each other.
So soldier again tries to steal da briefcase with the cure. He gets captured and is told the truth.
and the job interview dat the brunnette was going to is really a cover for a amourous pervert. so the brunnettes ates him. but not the way he wanted!
so the zombies return to the bowling alley. Nerds boss is drunk so he cant tells dat they are zombies.
and now the exciting climax. a bowling game for the hands of blonde. yeah.
so the zombies win and jock loses his hand but the bowlers get sober and get killed.but jock loses his body in the process.
Soldier returns to tells the zombies dat they are zombies. and jock proposes that them and the bowlers who ate the icecream before they died, go to the nevada dessert. he even likens their journey to the plight ov da Jews.
NO.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
YOU, A BUNCH OF IDIOTS THAT ATE GLOWING GREEN ICE-CREAM, CANNOT LIKEN YOURSELF TO THE ISREALI PEOPLE!
tiome to put da spuds on!
the jock blows himself up. the zombie set up in the dessert. and though soldier is cured so he can be court-martialled, he claims dat he loves being a zombie!
This fillium has disgustin' low-grade jokes, the Charectors are little more than stereotypes, its so full of tripe i could feed this fillium so my lurcher. and though da film is funny in short bursts. it isnt enough to warrant a second showing. and the jew speech was more tasteless than the gore and sex jokes put together. i would rather be biten by a zombie-AGAIN! that watch this Shite again.
This is Joe-jack da Culchie sayin'
GET OFF MY LAND!
*GUNSHOT*
oh Hallo, i'll be wif ya in a minit!
ya! dat should do it! dont want a repeat ov last year!
(see october 2009 entry-Eamonn)
(this months theme-Margaritaville by jimmy buffet- http//www.youtube.com/watch?v=qFljuj-I_fE
HOLY MOTHER OV GOD!WHAT A FUCKIN' TERRIBLE FILLIUM!
So da fillium starts with a us soldier being injected wif a toxin dat turns him intah a zombie. Da goverment cover it up dumping the barrell as ice-cream. its important to point out that reality in this film is filliumed in black and white and zombie perspective is filliumed in colour.
one of the barrells make it to a bowling alley where we met out 4 horror stereotypes.
Bullied Nerd, Stupid Jock,dumb blonde, and smart brunette. and no i will knot learn there name as they act only as there labels command as we shall see.
so after the morons eat da ice-cream and turn into zombies. they are revived in a colour world. where dey find themselves transformed. they have supah strength. impervious to pain but unable to communicate with humans. they met a soldier that tells them that the icecream they ate has turned them into super-soldiers. and it would have being confining if Blonde didn't eat a cat!
and its ovivious that Soldier is a zombie as only zombies and drunks can talk to otha zombies.
so the zombies enter a bar where dey are attacked. after killing the bar man, Jock makes a brain Margarita.
so dat who dat song goes.
"WASTED AGAIN IN MARGARITAVILLE, SEARCHING FER...ME VICTIMS PULPED OUT BRAINSSSSSSS.
In town, the general and scientist that covered up the toxin are in a mexican resturant, soldier disguises himself as a waiter but gets rumbled when he decomposes on the food.
at the same time our morons still obivivlous dat they are split up.
so nerd and blonde go to her parents house and the father blows himself up. the nerd and blonde confess they luv each other.
So soldier again tries to steal da briefcase with the cure. He gets captured and is told the truth.
and the job interview dat the brunnette was going to is really a cover for a amourous pervert. so the brunnettes ates him. but not the way he wanted!
so the zombies return to the bowling alley. Nerds boss is drunk so he cant tells dat they are zombies.
and now the exciting climax. a bowling game for the hands of blonde. yeah.
so the zombies win and jock loses his hand but the bowlers get sober and get killed.but jock loses his body in the process.
Soldier returns to tells the zombies dat they are zombies. and jock proposes that them and the bowlers who ate the icecream before they died, go to the nevada dessert. he even likens their journey to the plight ov da Jews.
NO.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
YOU, A BUNCH OF IDIOTS THAT ATE GLOWING GREEN ICE-CREAM, CANNOT LIKEN YOURSELF TO THE ISREALI PEOPLE!
tiome to put da spuds on!
the jock blows himself up. the zombie set up in the dessert. and though soldier is cured so he can be court-martialled, he claims dat he loves being a zombie!
This fillium has disgustin' low-grade jokes, the Charectors are little more than stereotypes, its so full of tripe i could feed this fillium so my lurcher. and though da film is funny in short bursts. it isnt enough to warrant a second showing. and the jew speech was more tasteless than the gore and sex jokes put together. i would rather be biten by a zombie-AGAIN! that watch this Shite again.
This is Joe-jack da Culchie sayin'
GET OFF MY LAND!
*GUNSHOT*
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Eamonn reviews the marine 2
(This month's theme the million dollar wwe theme www.youtube/watch?v=Vm4TG56KGZ4 )
okay da summer iz ovah so goin' intah da field t'make some crop circles fer da last tourists.
ok.
hi welcome to BBO! sister blog to pathofenlightment where i would post among things wrestling results.
september sees the return of night of champions and who debuted at the first NOC?
why the star of todays film, wwe superstar ted DiBiase.Okay wwe films a partner of fox, had very a bad track record.
first the marine, staring the object of the IWC's hatred,John cena-FAIL!
See no evil a teenslasher where kane stuck eyes into large jars of ginger beer-fail!
and todays film that was only cinematicly released in america.
(sound of audience leaving)
okay what if i tell you that this film is good!
(Audience GASP!)
So lets dig into the true story that is marine 2.
we open to a pistol falling in a thai street picked up by a young boy. who aims it at a girl with a water pistol.but it has no bullets. this gritty scene set us up for the rest of the film. as Joe linwood(Dibiasie) is planing to assasianate a An Arms dealer. as he does the little boy comes up to the rooftop. as a bit of wwe fanservice, teds charector makes the pay-me sign with his fingers,before pulling the trigger.This has the boy scream, drawing attenion to our hero in the crossfire, the boy is shot dead.this rattles joe so much that he asks for two weeks leave.
and it couldnt have come at a better time, as joe's wife invited him to his bosses new hotel.which i'm sure will NOT be invaded by villians(!)
so they get a tour of the hotel with has its own geo-thermal factory. which i'm sure will NEVER get blown by terrorists(!)
so after meeting robins prickish boss, they met the scuba inscructor and general trader,church, a former paratrooper,he also tells joe and robin about a secret route back to the hotel!
PLOT POINT!
So after some padding,we cut to night time.after a confrontation with connor,robins boss , joe leaves the hotel as get this, this comes out of the blue, but the hotel is invaded by terrorists! i know quite a stretch, isnt it?
so thats the plot to the marine 2.
cliched but in a good way!
the terrorists demand that connors family pay tribute. they then kill a hostage on tv. Joe asks church to help him but cant.the terrorist demask as a way to tell the hostage that they will not survive this ordeal.
In a military tent a goverment repreasentative called Shu tells the army not to attack as it will jepordise the hostages.
so mercanaries are sent in.
oh mercanaries. in an action film.and shu pointed out that they fight for money.
This'll end well(!)
so yeah! as expected one of the mercanaries called blondie (despite having dark hair) betrays his troop . the rest are mowed down by terrorists! as the fire fight sets fire to the jungle.domu the mastermind is told joe is dead.
the next day joe asks church for help. this time he oblilges by giving him bullets his boats and a Bag Of Holding. so joe goes in kills some terrorists and picks up weapons from enemies and lying around.
FINAL FANTASY IS NOT REAL LIFE! Weapons would not be left all and sundry like that!
so domu is angered that joe is alive.
Brother: i will CUT! OUT! HIS! HEART!
ME: i am ACT! ING!
Joe attacks blondie in the wash room and tortures him with a trouser press.
speaking as someone that once grilled a sandwich on a trouser press i know how hot they can get.
so joe is unarmed and the terrorist use muai thai . But it would'nt be a film with a wrestler a fight scene with wrestling moves. its a good scene but come on! a drop kick in a real fight? you use that and bam knife in the back!
seeing the smoke caused by joe. church goes into the battle.
joe gets captured and shu taunts joe. he says hes doing it for the island people. but when he when mention a share of the money.shu is blown up.
so joe breaks free from his shackles by breaking one his hands, and church leads the hostages out. but domu takes robin and escapes to a boat.
so lets wrap this up!
joe kills Domu, he rescues robin, there is a big explosion, and film ends with the Linwoods vowing to go home.
THIS FILM IS AWESOME!
the action is top-notch, the directing is fact-paced and the charectors are suprislingly fleshed out and well acted. there are few bug-bears. Namely DiBiasie is too much of a pretty boy to be a proper action hero, and the villians are a bit hammy.
but it was a rememberable film. Does that mean the next wwe Next films will be good? considering the next film will be a 7ft man acting as a 13 year old the answer. sadly is no!
Well thats it! follow me on youtube on www.youtube.com/ThePathofenlightment next month for halloween i will review wasting away. and my review of night of champions on pathofenlightment.blogspot.com
for now, im the Pathofenlightenment hardcore since 2009!
okay da summer iz ovah so goin' intah da field t'make some crop circles fer da last tourists.
ok.
hi welcome to BBO! sister blog to pathofenlightment where i would post among things wrestling results.
september sees the return of night of champions and who debuted at the first NOC?
why the star of todays film, wwe superstar ted DiBiase.Okay wwe films a partner of fox, had very a bad track record.
first the marine, staring the object of the IWC's hatred,John cena-FAIL!
See no evil a teenslasher where kane stuck eyes into large jars of ginger beer-fail!
and todays film that was only cinematicly released in america.
(sound of audience leaving)
okay what if i tell you that this film is good!
(Audience GASP!)
So lets dig into the true story that is marine 2.
we open to a pistol falling in a thai street picked up by a young boy. who aims it at a girl with a water pistol.but it has no bullets. this gritty scene set us up for the rest of the film. as Joe linwood(Dibiasie) is planing to assasianate a An Arms dealer. as he does the little boy comes up to the rooftop. as a bit of wwe fanservice, teds charector makes the pay-me sign with his fingers,before pulling the trigger.This has the boy scream, drawing attenion to our hero in the crossfire, the boy is shot dead.this rattles joe so much that he asks for two weeks leave.
and it couldnt have come at a better time, as joe's wife invited him to his bosses new hotel.which i'm sure will NOT be invaded by villians(!)
so they get a tour of the hotel with has its own geo-thermal factory. which i'm sure will NEVER get blown by terrorists(!)
so after meeting robins prickish boss, they met the scuba inscructor and general trader,church, a former paratrooper,he also tells joe and robin about a secret route back to the hotel!
PLOT POINT!
So after some padding,we cut to night time.after a confrontation with connor,robins boss , joe leaves the hotel as get this, this comes out of the blue, but the hotel is invaded by terrorists! i know quite a stretch, isnt it?
so thats the plot to the marine 2.
cliched but in a good way!
the terrorists demand that connors family pay tribute. they then kill a hostage on tv. Joe asks church to help him but cant.the terrorist demask as a way to tell the hostage that they will not survive this ordeal.
In a military tent a goverment repreasentative called Shu tells the army not to attack as it will jepordise the hostages.
so mercanaries are sent in.
oh mercanaries. in an action film.and shu pointed out that they fight for money.
This'll end well(!)
so yeah! as expected one of the mercanaries called blondie (despite having dark hair) betrays his troop . the rest are mowed down by terrorists! as the fire fight sets fire to the jungle.domu the mastermind is told joe is dead.
the next day joe asks church for help. this time he oblilges by giving him bullets his boats and a Bag Of Holding. so joe goes in kills some terrorists and picks up weapons from enemies and lying around.
FINAL FANTASY IS NOT REAL LIFE! Weapons would not be left all and sundry like that!
so domu is angered that joe is alive.
Brother: i will CUT! OUT! HIS! HEART!
ME: i am ACT! ING!
Joe attacks blondie in the wash room and tortures him with a trouser press.
speaking as someone that once grilled a sandwich on a trouser press i know how hot they can get.
so joe is unarmed and the terrorist use muai thai . But it would'nt be a film with a wrestler a fight scene with wrestling moves. its a good scene but come on! a drop kick in a real fight? you use that and bam knife in the back!
seeing the smoke caused by joe. church goes into the battle.
joe gets captured and shu taunts joe. he says hes doing it for the island people. but when he when mention a share of the money.shu is blown up.
so joe breaks free from his shackles by breaking one his hands, and church leads the hostages out. but domu takes robin and escapes to a boat.
so lets wrap this up!
joe kills Domu, he rescues robin, there is a big explosion, and film ends with the Linwoods vowing to go home.
THIS FILM IS AWESOME!
the action is top-notch, the directing is fact-paced and the charectors are suprislingly fleshed out and well acted. there are few bug-bears. Namely DiBiasie is too much of a pretty boy to be a proper action hero, and the villians are a bit hammy.
but it was a rememberable film. Does that mean the next wwe Next films will be good? considering the next film will be a 7ft man acting as a 13 year old the answer. sadly is no!
Well thats it! follow me on youtube on www.youtube.com/ThePathofenlightment next month for halloween i will review wasting away. and my review of night of champions on pathofenlightment.blogspot.com
for now, im the Pathofenlightenment hardcore since 2009!
Friday, August 6, 2010
the boat that rocked review
HALLO, I'M BACK SO I AM!
AND I WOULD LIKE T'THANK EAMONN FER REVIEWIN'FILLIUM WHILE I WAS GONE
BY SAYING...
"GET OFF MY LAND!"
*SHOOTS EAMONN*
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! I CAN REVIEW GUD FILLIUM AS WELL! DIS MUNT IS DA 1-YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF BOGGER BOX OFFICE AN' TODAY YA READIN' A REVEIW OV DA BOAT DAT ROCKED!
LET ME TAKE YA BACK T'1960s
A DECADE WHERE MAN FIRST WALKED THE MOON, IRISH SHOWBANDS PLAYED OTHER BANDS SONGS BEFORE PLAGERISM, AND A LITTLE BAND FROM LIVERPOOL TOOK OVER THE WORLD.
So the fillium starts by telling us its 1966.BBC only plays 45 minutes of music. While the pirate radio stations in the north sea play music all day. they then play this months theme All Day And All Of The Night by the Kinks(www.youtube/watch?v=mMWNwHofOkc )
so we meet Carl a young man expelled from school and his uncle(bill nighy). Aftah we learn dat carls ma didnt know her brother was a pirate she assumed mans work on a boat would straighten her boy out.
so we met our cast
the count(phillip seymour hoffman)
simon swansford(that lad from da meteor ads)
felicity da cook
thick kevin
and Doctor Dave.
so we have a funny scene of da quiz as karl tries to work out riddles. karl answers Jimi hendrix when da answer woz Jayzus!
we cut t10 downing street. as da goverment plan to abolish pirates in a year.
80s Lad:DUDE! let me introduce my dad!
60s Dad:Dude! the goverment are evil,man!they want to ban music, take our tvs and force us to eat kittens! hey i'm 60s dad!and peace out!
so unaware of dis, da count,tricks uncle quentin t'say da f-word on d'air,much to da delight ov da listeners.
so the minister in charge in of banning private radio is a prick just read this line.
"Goverment is all about making things they dont like illegal." he even makes fun of a guys hair saying only blind people like it. he also says he has a job for "dat clever chap"
every saturday birds are allowed to board the ship,except for lesibian felicity,married john, hopless romantic simon and virgin karl.
but dave gives carl his bird, but doesnt get the job done at all.
so the minister meets the clever chap the apprioatly named twat!
we also meet on the boat ladies man Mark and Smooth bob the early morning dj that none da boys recognise!
so twat has a plan to make product placement illegial in british programing (it still to this day-eamonn)
but things look good for our heroes as the charismatic Gavin Kavanaugh is returning to radio rock, much t'da chargin ov the count.
so gavin returns as he gats the goat of the count by saying he is the king.
gavin vulgar style and bootleg records are an instant success! he flusters john with a topless picture and sticky with the words YOUR MUM!
Da next day its karls birfday,and quentin has a present:dinner with his niece, marian.after a quest fer a condom, marian gets of with dave.
over on the mainland, twat plans to get on the ship himself.
200 competion winners (199 women and one mr twat) enter the ship .quentin stops twat from sabatague.
but twat reports that the boat is in bad shape.
Simon is getting married and for the first time in munts da crew is on da mainland for a stag do!
so the boys pub-crawl and simon ends up in his drawers.
back on da boat thick kevin believe quentin may be karls father.
so simon gets married on theboat but the girls cheats on simon with gavin.
simon doesnt take it too well.
count looking out for his friend challenges gavin to a race up the mast. Gavin win but challenges count to dive into the sea.
with a broken arm and a broken foot the two men make up.
its now christmas,one month till goverment ban the pirates. karls mother comes aboard to tell him quentin is not his father.Bob is !
1st of janurary 1967.
the marine offence act is passed. pirate radio is now illegal. but da boyz vow t'keep going! and mininster is not a happy bunny!
"ARSE!"
So the goverment attack the ship. but got the wrong ship. radio rock has lifted anchor and set sail. but the bad condition of the ships engine makes a hole in the hull. the boat is sinking. but the count stays behind for one last show. karl rescues bob. and despite all this the boat is still sinking, but at the last moment a fleet of ships rescue the crew and even Da count makes it!
and da fillium ends with all da lads dancing on a liner as da credits show every memberable album cover from 66-Present day!
Da Boat Dat Rocks does exactly dat...ROCKS! Dis fillium is wallt'wall funny, and has a rockin' soundtrack!
follow me on youtube at www.youtube.com/ThePathofenlightment
or pathofenlightment.blogspot.com
GET ENLIGHTENED TODAY!
AND I WOULD LIKE T'THANK EAMONN FER REVIEWIN'FILLIUM WHILE I WAS GONE
BY SAYING...
"GET OFF MY LAND!"
*SHOOTS EAMONN*
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! I CAN REVIEW GUD FILLIUM AS WELL! DIS MUNT IS DA 1-YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF BOGGER BOX OFFICE AN' TODAY YA READIN' A REVEIW OV DA BOAT DAT ROCKED!
LET ME TAKE YA BACK T'1960s
A DECADE WHERE MAN FIRST WALKED THE MOON, IRISH SHOWBANDS PLAYED OTHER BANDS SONGS BEFORE PLAGERISM, AND A LITTLE BAND FROM LIVERPOOL TOOK OVER THE WORLD.
So the fillium starts by telling us its 1966.BBC only plays 45 minutes of music. While the pirate radio stations in the north sea play music all day. they then play this months theme All Day And All Of The Night by the Kinks(www.youtube/watch?v=mMWNwHofOkc )
so we meet Carl a young man expelled from school and his uncle(bill nighy). Aftah we learn dat carls ma didnt know her brother was a pirate she assumed mans work on a boat would straighten her boy out.
so we met our cast
the count(phillip seymour hoffman)
simon swansford(that lad from da meteor ads)
felicity da cook
thick kevin
and Doctor Dave.
so we have a funny scene of da quiz as karl tries to work out riddles. karl answers Jimi hendrix when da answer woz Jayzus!
we cut t10 downing street. as da goverment plan to abolish pirates in a year.
80s Lad:DUDE! let me introduce my dad!
60s Dad:Dude! the goverment are evil,man!they want to ban music, take our tvs and force us to eat kittens! hey i'm 60s dad!and peace out!
so unaware of dis, da count,tricks uncle quentin t'say da f-word on d'air,much to da delight ov da listeners.
so the minister in charge in of banning private radio is a prick just read this line.
"Goverment is all about making things they dont like illegal." he even makes fun of a guys hair saying only blind people like it. he also says he has a job for "dat clever chap"
every saturday birds are allowed to board the ship,except for lesibian felicity,married john, hopless romantic simon and virgin karl.
but dave gives carl his bird, but doesnt get the job done at all.
so the minister meets the clever chap the apprioatly named twat!
we also meet on the boat ladies man Mark and Smooth bob the early morning dj that none da boys recognise!
so twat has a plan to make product placement illegial in british programing (it still to this day-eamonn)
but things look good for our heroes as the charismatic Gavin Kavanaugh is returning to radio rock, much t'da chargin ov the count.
so gavin returns as he gats the goat of the count by saying he is the king.
gavin vulgar style and bootleg records are an instant success! he flusters john with a topless picture and sticky with the words YOUR MUM!
Da next day its karls birfday,and quentin has a present:dinner with his niece, marian.after a quest fer a condom, marian gets of with dave.
over on the mainland, twat plans to get on the ship himself.
200 competion winners (199 women and one mr twat) enter the ship .quentin stops twat from sabatague.
but twat reports that the boat is in bad shape.
Simon is getting married and for the first time in munts da crew is on da mainland for a stag do!
so the boys pub-crawl and simon ends up in his drawers.
back on da boat thick kevin believe quentin may be karls father.
so simon gets married on theboat but the girls cheats on simon with gavin.
simon doesnt take it too well.
count looking out for his friend challenges gavin to a race up the mast. Gavin win but challenges count to dive into the sea.
with a broken arm and a broken foot the two men make up.
its now christmas,one month till goverment ban the pirates. karls mother comes aboard to tell him quentin is not his father.Bob is !
1st of janurary 1967.
the marine offence act is passed. pirate radio is now illegal. but da boyz vow t'keep going! and mininster is not a happy bunny!
"ARSE!"
So the goverment attack the ship. but got the wrong ship. radio rock has lifted anchor and set sail. but the bad condition of the ships engine makes a hole in the hull. the boat is sinking. but the count stays behind for one last show. karl rescues bob. and despite all this the boat is still sinking, but at the last moment a fleet of ships rescue the crew and even Da count makes it!
and da fillium ends with all da lads dancing on a liner as da credits show every memberable album cover from 66-Present day!
Da Boat Dat Rocks does exactly dat...ROCKS! Dis fillium is wallt'wall funny, and has a rockin' soundtrack!
follow me on youtube at www.youtube.com/ThePathofenlightment
or pathofenlightment.blogspot.com
GET ENLIGHTENED TODAY!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Eamonn reviews city of ember
(the theme for this review is The Jam-Going Underground)
(PREVIOUSLY AT BOGGERBOXOFFICE)
Back in April here at Enlightened Towers we where going to review Twillight on its european release. only for Doug walker to do a bum review, UNANNOUNCED ON HIS SITE! while i had stated that i would review twillight new moon MONTHS IN ADVANCE! Last month i review Prince of Persia on its european release. only to find out that on thatguywiththeglasses.com that he reviewed the film A week before i did and he did it, you guess it, UNANNOUNCED BY HIS PEOPLE! but while i realise that i'm too weak to put up a fight with someone so popular(and i am a fan dont get me wrong!) Joe-jack took offence and was going to- get this- swim to Chicago!
(SOMEWHERE IN THE ATLANTIC OCEAN)
Joe-jack was swimming but gets tired and starts to drown. he is rescued by a pair of Topless Mermaids
JOE-JACK: TELL ME OI'M DREAMIN'!
MERMAID:(giggles) Of course you are dreaming! Mermaids aren't real! you're going wake up on the beach with Travellers trying to steal your boots!
(he wakes up)
HEY YOU TINKERS! STOP STEALING ME BOOTS!
(he gets up and dusts himself off. When he realises he's back at Stool Beach. he drops to his Knees and shouts to the heavens!)
WWWWWWALLLLLLKKKKKAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
Todays film is a film that was filmed in belfast and is one of those films that tried to knock harry potter of his pedestal. and since it was filmed in ireland, it got a big promotional suck off from both sides of the border.
it bombed!
but is it really that bad?
well lets find out as we dig into...
City of ember!
The narrative treats us to this happy scene
"when the world ended, the future of mankind was kept in a metal box"
Because thats what every children film needs right? The Apocalypse!
we open to a group of scientists that have said box and fill it with instructions and a key card. they then give it to scientist in mayorly robes. the narrator tells us that when a new mayor was elected, the box was handed over from the last mayor to the next. this is shown by hands passing the box and the box slowly rusting!
i've ripped of Linkara,
i've ripped of Nostalgia Critic,
now i'm ripping of Film Brain with some...
SYMBOLISM~!!!
47 Years to the events of this film. the mayor has a heart attack and the box gets stolen only for it to be forgotten about under a pile of wool.
ok i have to call B.S Here! if the mayor carries the box everywhere and people knows its important, even if the dont know what it really is, wouldnt the staff and family launch an enquiry to find it?
so that is the plot to City of ember, where Humanity is Going UnderGround!
i wonder if the birds are singing, or if the birds are shouting for Tomorrow?
In the city we met our hero, June Harrows,who tells his father that its assignment day at school and with the blackouts in recent days, he will go into the generator because he is somewhat of an engineering prodigy.
we also met our co-star, Mina Mayfleet played by Lovely bones star Saorse Ronan and before she was making us shit bricks in that film, he gradurated from the Hugh Laurie Institute For Bad American Accents!
we are now shown the city of ember and(laughs loudly) god i wish i had photos! but for an "underground" city it looks likes a belfast bombsite(because they preserve them for prospirity) covered in a tarpulin and yellow fairy-lights! it gives a yellow tinge to everything, like the actors came down with Jaundice, or if someone pissed on the negative.
so we meet the villian in this film, the mayor (played by Bill Murray) he is here for assignment day a raffle for childern aged 12-16 to decide what jobs they will do in for the rest of their lifes, starting today!
Child Labour-y'know for Kids!
Our Heroes dont get the jobs they want but since no-one gets payed differently anyway, they swap for the job they what!
Mina becomes a messanger like she wanted and tells her gran that lives in a house covered in wool
ooooh Plot Device!
while June get to work in the pipe works! and his first day doesnt go to plan because all the adults in this film save for Junes dad, Gran, and The Mayor are Morons! as June is disgusted to here that fixing the pipes consist of Duct-taping the Holes
BATISTA: DUCT-TAPE? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? DUCT-TAPE?
A Huge blackout grips the city and did i tell you that some of this film was filmed in Canada, where blue screen is widely available? which why a genarator fire looks so stunning? now you know!
During the blackout an outsider comes into the city via the river covered in a virus, implying it was that what killed humanity 200 years ago. the outsider is taken away clutching a giant beetles horn. yes the animals have grown to giant sizes. but the budget ran out before they could CGI-A Giant One-Horned Beetle!
As everyone is panicking, gran gets sick with worry trying to find the box! she explains the purpose to Mina and after that. she dies.
Mina and her sister move in with a Religious Women. who tries to peddle the "God provides...so we can spend the rest of the film singing and not helping anyone!"
Mina sends a message to the mayor. but see that all the another mayors portraits have them holding the Box. the Mayor has a key card similar to the one in the Box.
With everyone looting for food, mina sees that here friends have more cans than everyone else! she tells him that her boyfriend who works for the mayor gave her cans for a present. mina goes into the room and see
A) A horde of food and
B) A cgi mole!
The appearance of the mole is frightening to say the least but it gets more disturbing as its bristles feels over the 12 year olds body.
What is this? A hentai?
the mole chases mina into the pipes where june chases it off!
Mina accuses the mayor of hording food as June steals the key card. so our heros are on the run. but the Singing Morons are too busy singing to do anything!
the map leads the heros to the pipeworks where the keycards makes the lockers double into boats. Sol, Junes supervisor makes the desicion to shut off the second generator forever, plunging the the city into darkness, causing to the Singing Morons to stop singing!
the mayor hides in his stash and where the mole appears and...heavily imply that he ate him!
ZULL, MOTHERFUCKER,ZULL!
so the kids enter the worst idea to make this film into a rollercoaster, and make it into the outside world, where its dark.
it seems it all for nought but wait!
whats that coming over the hill?
Is it a monster?
NO!
after an hour of yellow tinted imagery and total darkness.
the sun rises.
the kids sents a message on a stone down into ember where junes father reads. and the film ends with the childern watching over into the blue yonder.
THIS FILM SUCKS!
OR DOES IT?
On one hand the story is too adult the accents are laughable, and the background is a joke! on the other hand, the story is original, the moral of only you can get what you want is inspiring and film comes off as epic.
not the worst film i,ve seen, this was Amatuer Hour!
But as a special treat next month i'm going to be reviewing one of my favourite films for you? which one it'll be revealed over the weeks but all i can say that its all-time classic!
you can follow me on Youtube at www.youtube.com/ThePathofenlightment
(PREVIOUSLY AT BOGGERBOXOFFICE)
Back in April here at Enlightened Towers we where going to review Twillight on its european release. only for Doug walker to do a bum review, UNANNOUNCED ON HIS SITE! while i had stated that i would review twillight new moon MONTHS IN ADVANCE! Last month i review Prince of Persia on its european release. only to find out that on thatguywiththeglasses.com that he reviewed the film A week before i did and he did it, you guess it, UNANNOUNCED BY HIS PEOPLE! but while i realise that i'm too weak to put up a fight with someone so popular(and i am a fan dont get me wrong!) Joe-jack took offence and was going to- get this- swim to Chicago!
(SOMEWHERE IN THE ATLANTIC OCEAN)
Joe-jack was swimming but gets tired and starts to drown. he is rescued by a pair of Topless Mermaids
JOE-JACK: TELL ME OI'M DREAMIN'!
MERMAID:(giggles) Of course you are dreaming! Mermaids aren't real! you're going wake up on the beach with Travellers trying to steal your boots!
(he wakes up)
HEY YOU TINKERS! STOP STEALING ME BOOTS!
(he gets up and dusts himself off. When he realises he's back at Stool Beach. he drops to his Knees and shouts to the heavens!)
WWWWWWALLLLLLKKKKKAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
Todays film is a film that was filmed in belfast and is one of those films that tried to knock harry potter of his pedestal. and since it was filmed in ireland, it got a big promotional suck off from both sides of the border.
it bombed!
but is it really that bad?
well lets find out as we dig into...
City of ember!
The narrative treats us to this happy scene
"when the world ended, the future of mankind was kept in a metal box"
Because thats what every children film needs right? The Apocalypse!
we open to a group of scientists that have said box and fill it with instructions and a key card. they then give it to scientist in mayorly robes. the narrator tells us that when a new mayor was elected, the box was handed over from the last mayor to the next. this is shown by hands passing the box and the box slowly rusting!
i've ripped of Linkara,
i've ripped of Nostalgia Critic,
now i'm ripping of Film Brain with some...
SYMBOLISM~!!!
47 Years to the events of this film. the mayor has a heart attack and the box gets stolen only for it to be forgotten about under a pile of wool.
ok i have to call B.S Here! if the mayor carries the box everywhere and people knows its important, even if the dont know what it really is, wouldnt the staff and family launch an enquiry to find it?
so that is the plot to City of ember, where Humanity is Going UnderGround!
i wonder if the birds are singing, or if the birds are shouting for Tomorrow?
In the city we met our hero, June Harrows,who tells his father that its assignment day at school and with the blackouts in recent days, he will go into the generator because he is somewhat of an engineering prodigy.
we also met our co-star, Mina Mayfleet played by Lovely bones star Saorse Ronan and before she was making us shit bricks in that film, he gradurated from the Hugh Laurie Institute For Bad American Accents!
we are now shown the city of ember and(laughs loudly) god i wish i had photos! but for an "underground" city it looks likes a belfast bombsite(because they preserve them for prospirity) covered in a tarpulin and yellow fairy-lights! it gives a yellow tinge to everything, like the actors came down with Jaundice, or if someone pissed on the negative.
so we meet the villian in this film, the mayor (played by Bill Murray) he is here for assignment day a raffle for childern aged 12-16 to decide what jobs they will do in for the rest of their lifes, starting today!
Child Labour-y'know for Kids!
Our Heroes dont get the jobs they want but since no-one gets payed differently anyway, they swap for the job they what!
Mina becomes a messanger like she wanted and tells her gran that lives in a house covered in wool
ooooh Plot Device!
while June get to work in the pipe works! and his first day doesnt go to plan because all the adults in this film save for Junes dad, Gran, and The Mayor are Morons! as June is disgusted to here that fixing the pipes consist of Duct-taping the Holes
BATISTA: DUCT-TAPE? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? DUCT-TAPE?
A Huge blackout grips the city and did i tell you that some of this film was filmed in Canada, where blue screen is widely available? which why a genarator fire looks so stunning? now you know!
During the blackout an outsider comes into the city via the river covered in a virus, implying it was that what killed humanity 200 years ago. the outsider is taken away clutching a giant beetles horn. yes the animals have grown to giant sizes. but the budget ran out before they could CGI-A Giant One-Horned Beetle!
As everyone is panicking, gran gets sick with worry trying to find the box! she explains the purpose to Mina and after that. she dies.
Mina and her sister move in with a Religious Women. who tries to peddle the "God provides...so we can spend the rest of the film singing and not helping anyone!"
Mina sends a message to the mayor. but see that all the another mayors portraits have them holding the Box. the Mayor has a key card similar to the one in the Box.
With everyone looting for food, mina sees that here friends have more cans than everyone else! she tells him that her boyfriend who works for the mayor gave her cans for a present. mina goes into the room and see
A) A horde of food and
B) A cgi mole!
The appearance of the mole is frightening to say the least but it gets more disturbing as its bristles feels over the 12 year olds body.
What is this? A hentai?
the mole chases mina into the pipes where june chases it off!
Mina accuses the mayor of hording food as June steals the key card. so our heros are on the run. but the Singing Morons are too busy singing to do anything!
the map leads the heros to the pipeworks where the keycards makes the lockers double into boats. Sol, Junes supervisor makes the desicion to shut off the second generator forever, plunging the the city into darkness, causing to the Singing Morons to stop singing!
the mayor hides in his stash and where the mole appears and...heavily imply that he ate him!
ZULL, MOTHERFUCKER,ZULL!
so the kids enter the worst idea to make this film into a rollercoaster, and make it into the outside world, where its dark.
it seems it all for nought but wait!
whats that coming over the hill?
Is it a monster?
NO!
after an hour of yellow tinted imagery and total darkness.
the sun rises.
the kids sents a message on a stone down into ember where junes father reads. and the film ends with the childern watching over into the blue yonder.
THIS FILM SUCKS!
OR DOES IT?
On one hand the story is too adult the accents are laughable, and the background is a joke! on the other hand, the story is original, the moral of only you can get what you want is inspiring and film comes off as epic.
not the worst film i,ve seen, this was Amatuer Hour!
But as a special treat next month i'm going to be reviewing one of my favourite films for you? which one it'll be revealed over the weeks but all i can say that its all-time classic!
you can follow me on Youtube at www.youtube.com/ThePathofenlightment
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Eamonn Reviews Prince of Persia
(Eamonn's lines in black)
(Joe-jacks letter in blue)
(80's Lad's line in Orange)
Hello everyone Eamonn here filling in for Joe-jack. Why am i here? well let me read this letter that he left for me to read
Dear Townie Bastid!
(nice of him to remember my name!)
Dat big yank Dug Walkah and his Bum reviews have done it again t'me. he has review dis fillium before oi did. oi no 'e putz a scheledule for this Knosalgia critic reviews but he doesnt for his bum reviews and you had it written down in your summer scheldule on ye blog MONTHS IN ADVANCE! So now oi'm gonna swim from da beach in Stool t'da city ov Zhivago!
(i think he means Chicago)
(and tear the gums out his big yank head!)
signed Joe-jack Da Culchie
aged 42 and a half!
he's swimming to chicago. oviously he doesnt know illinois is land locked!
For those who havent played the game prince of persia(Myself Included!) let me give you the skinny. originally a game for the Atari, the original had superior Sega like graphics, in recent years a reboot and sequels merit this game to have a film made. unlike most computer game films that will make up a new story. this is based on the first game! oh and Disney is behind this!
Yeah because i'm sure 6-10 year olds know what an "Atari" is
DUDE!
The Atari will never die! Whats Dead, is the nintenDEAD!
Ignore him he's like the Go compare Opera Singer!
on to the review itself!
we get a history of the persian empire as well as an origin story of our hero, a young thief called Daz-Den saves one of the princes from being trampled by a horse. for his act of courage the king and his brother, Naz-den(Played by Ben Kingsley) raises the boy as their own.
flash forward 17 years later, as the persian invade the Holy city of Amundal. Nazden expositions that the holy city is forging weapons to sell to the persians enimies. so Daz-den (Jake Gyenhall) does his free running schtick. we now tease the arrival of our female lead, Gemma atherton, playing Princess Tamina.
and props go to who-ever designed her costumes!
they get a thumbs up!
And thats not the only thing going up!
She is the Guardian of the Game gimmick and Plot Device,The sands of time. a wondorously beutiful prop that is a dagger with a amber hour-glass in its hilt. Cosplayers take Notice!
as Amondal falls, Tamina is forced to marry Daz-den, as king of amundal the prince takes the dagger for himself!
But needs a present as a tribute to his father. so his brother Justin gives him Prayer-Robes. as his father believes that the Gods will curse him for invading a holy city, he puts the robes on! this leads to one of the most gruesome deaths i've seen in film, especially when this is 12a cert Nazi Rat film
Death By Acid Covered Prayer-Robes!
Naturally, the other Princes think Daz-den is a mur-diddly-urderer and escapes with tamina through a window.they wander the desert and you can feel the love between the 2 leads no you dont because they are constantly bickering!
THE PRINCE OF PERSIA! ACTION AND ADVENTURE! SWORD AND FLAME! AND TRYING FIND OUT WHO LEFT THE TOLIET SEAT UP!
So after this, Tamina tries to attack Daz-den who accicidentally activates the daggers power and turns back time seconds before the princess attacked him.
okay...
LETS DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
so now we got that joke out of the way lets continue..
so yeah, the prince realises that the invasion was for this Dagger. and while the power to turn back time is a great power. there is only so much sand in the dagger and in the vial over Atherton Loverly Rack! Daz-den asks how can he get more of this sand.
Tamina tells him to go stand on his head and hold his breath!
Cant you just feel the love?
so the heroes go to the village of the Slaves, for that Fantasy Cliche of Drumming up Allies. there they met a shiek played by the Gut from the Money Supermarket ads who makes his living of the most dangerous Creatures in Africa!
Snakes?
scorpions?
loins?
Pussies!..compare to the real Bastards!...
OSTRICHES!
And before you laugh, i am not kidding, when i was younger my family would go to pet farms and they would ostriches there.and there would also be stupid Hand-Book Parents telling there kids to feed and hug the ostiche for a photo and the ostriches would get mad.and attack the child, dahm-near blinding a little girl one time.
"Yeah kids go feed the wild animal with the sharp beak and 3 1-foot talons one each powerful leg. just understand that suing the pet farm for having a dangerous animal with a distance and warning signs in its pen will not make up me being a bad parent!"
Anyway at the ostriches racing track, with tamina working as a serving wrench( in a skimpier costume, no less!) the shiek recognises the prince and that he has a bounty on his head. Daz-Den destroyes Slave-town by Releasing all the Ostriches!
RUN! RUN! OSTRICHES WILL FUCK YOU UP!
So since rallying allies such a success, Plan b is return to persia incognito where Justin is now king! but justin tell him The Prince That it was Naz-den That gave him the robes. Daz explains how to use the dagger before killing himself hoping his brother uses it power. he does but Justin is killed.
We now get to flash-backs from our heroes first Tamina tells Daz of a sand storm that the gods sent to destroy mankind only for the people to prayer not to and the storm sealed in amber in the Holy city
Yeah Gods are Dicks that way!
And daz tells Tamina of a story OF Naz-Den saving the king from a loin. so Naz' plan is to destroy the sands turning back time to that event and not save his brother. changing the time-line for ever. they are then greeted to a disturbing sight.
An Ostrich in a Ski-Mask!
so it was the Ostriches that were responible for 9/11!
I KNEW IT!
The shiek captures our heroes but taminas promise of Amundalian Gold changes the shieks mind.
At the same time, Naz-den Hires the school of Hassasians. and no i'll not saying...
B-COZ PUR LITRA-C IZ...KEWL!
Because, Assasian means "he who takes hash!" believing that being doped to the gills made you impervious to pain. and now we see some nice sword play some parkour to rival our hero, and the taking of marijuana to the arabic equivilent to Trance Music.
Nightfall at our our heroes camp as onimous Tremors surround our sleeping Heroes.
Oh no its the Graboibs! Someone call Kevin Bacon!
no its the assasians who are transformed!
Jump-scare in 3 2 1..
CAT!
...i mean...SNAKE!
so our heroes Survive but lose the dagger!
with the dagger gone. our heroes return to the holy city. im going to speed through this action heavy part of the film by saying they retrive the dagger, Daz-den loses another brother, and since tamina is the only one that can open the chamber to the Sands, she gets kidnapped. dazden goes to rescue her but sets of a booby trap sealing all the exits but automatically opening the chamber for naz-den. Feeling that she she failed, she loosens her grip and plunges to her death.
Are you sure this is a Disney film.
so this is the end. Naz has stabbed the amber with the dagger releasing the sand into the dagger. but Daz manages to remove the ruby cap of the dagger letting the sand flow back to the time Amundal fell. with his memories in tact he acuses his uncle of playing to kill his king. of course naz denies but when Daz remove his glove to revel acid burns from handling the prayer robes. he attacks.
So lets Wrap this One up!
Daz-den kills his uncle. he returns the dagger to Tamina and Tamina says that deja -vu tells her that the prince is a good man and brave warrior and falls in love.
"Librarian: first they hate each other. now they love each other! i dont get it!
Moutached Man: of course you don't your a robot!
HEAD EXPLODES!"
THIS FILM...doesnt suck! i'd admit there is some things wrong with it, the lack of chemistry between the two leads, the cliched story and the over reliance of the action and special effects! but the casting of Ben kingsley and Omar Djwadi was great. as a computer game based film it was a good as mortal Kombat but better than ...The Van Damme Film That Must Not Be Named!
So the film was good i guess.
Joe-jack will be back next month possibly. follow me at pathofenlightment.blogspot.com or on Youtube for monthly Bulletins on Youtube.com/ThePathofenlightment.
oh and now a PSA.
If you are at a pet farm, safari park or zoo and someone asks you to feed or hug an Ostrich,
Just Say No!
OSTRICHES.
THEY WILL FUCK YOU UP!
(Joe-jacks letter in blue)
(80's Lad's line in Orange)
Hello everyone Eamonn here filling in for Joe-jack. Why am i here? well let me read this letter that he left for me to read
Dear Townie Bastid!
(nice of him to remember my name!)
Dat big yank Dug Walkah and his Bum reviews have done it again t'me. he has review dis fillium before oi did. oi no 'e putz a scheledule for this Knosalgia critic reviews but he doesnt for his bum reviews and you had it written down in your summer scheldule on ye blog MONTHS IN ADVANCE! So now oi'm gonna swim from da beach in Stool t'da city ov Zhivago!
(i think he means Chicago)
(and tear the gums out his big yank head!)
signed Joe-jack Da Culchie
aged 42 and a half!
he's swimming to chicago. oviously he doesnt know illinois is land locked!
For those who havent played the game prince of persia(Myself Included!) let me give you the skinny. originally a game for the Atari, the original had superior Sega like graphics, in recent years a reboot and sequels merit this game to have a film made. unlike most computer game films that will make up a new story. this is based on the first game! oh and Disney is behind this!
Yeah because i'm sure 6-10 year olds know what an "Atari" is
DUDE!
The Atari will never die! Whats Dead, is the nintenDEAD!
Ignore him he's like the Go compare Opera Singer!
on to the review itself!
we get a history of the persian empire as well as an origin story of our hero, a young thief called Daz-Den saves one of the princes from being trampled by a horse. for his act of courage the king and his brother, Naz-den(Played by Ben Kingsley) raises the boy as their own.
flash forward 17 years later, as the persian invade the Holy city of Amundal. Nazden expositions that the holy city is forging weapons to sell to the persians enimies. so Daz-den (Jake Gyenhall) does his free running schtick. we now tease the arrival of our female lead, Gemma atherton, playing Princess Tamina.
and props go to who-ever designed her costumes!
they get a thumbs up!
And thats not the only thing going up!
She is the Guardian of the Game gimmick and Plot Device,The sands of time. a wondorously beutiful prop that is a dagger with a amber hour-glass in its hilt. Cosplayers take Notice!
as Amondal falls, Tamina is forced to marry Daz-den, as king of amundal the prince takes the dagger for himself!
But needs a present as a tribute to his father. so his brother Justin gives him Prayer-Robes. as his father believes that the Gods will curse him for invading a holy city, he puts the robes on! this leads to one of the most gruesome deaths i've seen in film, especially when this is 12a cert Nazi Rat film
Death By Acid Covered Prayer-Robes!
Naturally, the other Princes think Daz-den is a mur-diddly-urderer and escapes with tamina through a window.they wander the desert and you can feel the love between the 2 leads no you dont because they are constantly bickering!
THE PRINCE OF PERSIA! ACTION AND ADVENTURE! SWORD AND FLAME! AND TRYING FIND OUT WHO LEFT THE TOLIET SEAT UP!
So after this, Tamina tries to attack Daz-den who accicidentally activates the daggers power and turns back time seconds before the princess attacked him.
okay...
LETS DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
so now we got that joke out of the way lets continue..
so yeah, the prince realises that the invasion was for this Dagger. and while the power to turn back time is a great power. there is only so much sand in the dagger and in the vial over Atherton Loverly Rack! Daz-den asks how can he get more of this sand.
Tamina tells him to go stand on his head and hold his breath!
Cant you just feel the love?
so the heroes go to the village of the Slaves, for that Fantasy Cliche of Drumming up Allies. there they met a shiek played by the Gut from the Money Supermarket ads who makes his living of the most dangerous Creatures in Africa!
Snakes?
scorpions?
loins?
Pussies!..compare to the real Bastards!...
OSTRICHES!
And before you laugh, i am not kidding, when i was younger my family would go to pet farms and they would ostriches there.and there would also be stupid Hand-Book Parents telling there kids to feed and hug the ostiche for a photo and the ostriches would get mad.and attack the child, dahm-near blinding a little girl one time.
"Yeah kids go feed the wild animal with the sharp beak and 3 1-foot talons one each powerful leg. just understand that suing the pet farm for having a dangerous animal with a distance and warning signs in its pen will not make up me being a bad parent!"
Anyway at the ostriches racing track, with tamina working as a serving wrench( in a skimpier costume, no less!) the shiek recognises the prince and that he has a bounty on his head. Daz-Den destroyes Slave-town by Releasing all the Ostriches!
RUN! RUN! OSTRICHES WILL FUCK YOU UP!
So since rallying allies such a success, Plan b is return to persia incognito where Justin is now king! but justin tell him The Prince That it was Naz-den That gave him the robes. Daz explains how to use the dagger before killing himself hoping his brother uses it power. he does but Justin is killed.
We now get to flash-backs from our heroes first Tamina tells Daz of a sand storm that the gods sent to destroy mankind only for the people to prayer not to and the storm sealed in amber in the Holy city
Yeah Gods are Dicks that way!
And daz tells Tamina of a story OF Naz-Den saving the king from a loin. so Naz' plan is to destroy the sands turning back time to that event and not save his brother. changing the time-line for ever. they are then greeted to a disturbing sight.
An Ostrich in a Ski-Mask!
so it was the Ostriches that were responible for 9/11!
I KNEW IT!
The shiek captures our heroes but taminas promise of Amundalian Gold changes the shieks mind.
At the same time, Naz-den Hires the school of Hassasians. and no i'll not saying...
B-COZ PUR LITRA-C IZ...KEWL!
Because, Assasian means "he who takes hash!" believing that being doped to the gills made you impervious to pain. and now we see some nice sword play some parkour to rival our hero, and the taking of marijuana to the arabic equivilent to Trance Music.
Nightfall at our our heroes camp as onimous Tremors surround our sleeping Heroes.
Oh no its the Graboibs! Someone call Kevin Bacon!
no its the assasians who are transformed!
Jump-scare in 3 2 1..
CAT!
...i mean...SNAKE!
so our heroes Survive but lose the dagger!
with the dagger gone. our heroes return to the holy city. im going to speed through this action heavy part of the film by saying they retrive the dagger, Daz-den loses another brother, and since tamina is the only one that can open the chamber to the Sands, she gets kidnapped. dazden goes to rescue her but sets of a booby trap sealing all the exits but automatically opening the chamber for naz-den. Feeling that she she failed, she loosens her grip and plunges to her death.
Are you sure this is a Disney film.
so this is the end. Naz has stabbed the amber with the dagger releasing the sand into the dagger. but Daz manages to remove the ruby cap of the dagger letting the sand flow back to the time Amundal fell. with his memories in tact he acuses his uncle of playing to kill his king. of course naz denies but when Daz remove his glove to revel acid burns from handling the prayer robes. he attacks.
So lets Wrap this One up!
Daz-den kills his uncle. he returns the dagger to Tamina and Tamina says that deja -vu tells her that the prince is a good man and brave warrior and falls in love.
"Librarian: first they hate each other. now they love each other! i dont get it!
Moutached Man: of course you don't your a robot!
HEAD EXPLODES!"
THIS FILM...doesnt suck! i'd admit there is some things wrong with it, the lack of chemistry between the two leads, the cliched story and the over reliance of the action and special effects! but the casting of Ben kingsley and Omar Djwadi was great. as a computer game based film it was a good as mortal Kombat but better than ...The Van Damme Film That Must Not Be Named!
So the film was good i guess.
Joe-jack will be back next month possibly. follow me at pathofenlightment.blogspot.com or on Youtube for monthly Bulletins on Youtube.com/ThePathofenlightment.
oh and now a PSA.
If you are at a pet farm, safari park or zoo and someone asks you to feed or hug an Ostrich,
Just Say No!
OSTRICHES.
THEY WILL FUCK YOU UP!
Friday, May 14, 2010
3 TICKETS TO HELL:PART 2:Charlies Angels
(for part 1 pathofenlightment.blogspot.com
for part 3 xwauniverserse.com-off topic forum)
SO EAMONN IS DOING A THRIPLE FEATURE FER HIZ BIRFDAY? AND WHERE AM I?
PART 2!
OI'M DA FILLIUM CRICKET!
I JUST HOPE I GET A FILLIUM SO BAD, DAT I SHOW UP DAT TOWNIE!
(a dvd of charlies angels comes through the letterbox)
AHO! LUVLY GURLS!
(1 VIEWING LATER)
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WHAT A FOOKING TERRIBLE FILLIUM!
so we a on a plane or at least a plane in a really bad movie as a black stereotype walks to a terrorist with a bumb on him
Dey watch a fillium of tj hooker da movie.
the actors hear break the 4th wall wif dis
"another movie of old tv show"
"yeah what can you do?
"leave"
Hear dat audience, Run for ya lives it a Drew Barrymore film!
So da Black throws da terrorist ov da plane ontah a boat driven by ya one doing Dustin Trousersnake, and da Chinkey one from Ali Mcbeal and it turns out dat da black man is drew barrymore
SHES A MAN, MAN!
So now she an introduction by charlie, of our 3 gurls lives
Natalie (Diaz) was a skilled driver and genious
Alex (liu) was a horse-rider and astronaut
and Dylan (barrymore) was a teen drinker
wow she didnt even havt' research this part
so now to dere adult lives, Dylan lives a stoner (wow just like real life!) Diaz dreams ov being broadway star. as she talks to a postman she uses the phrase "put it in my shot"
DOUBLE ENTENDRE COUNT:1
Alex is helping her boyfriend Joey from friends with his lines with two double entendre counts
"long hard and rough" and i'd just get there faster
DOUBLE ENTENDRE COUNT:3
Entah Bosley(bill murray), who confides in alex about her love life using body building references including "clean and the jerk his love"
DOUBLE ENTENDRE COUNT:4
charlie gives da luvly girls, there next mission find kidnapped millionaire and his stolen recog-me-nition technology. Da suspect tim Curry
Dahmmit Tim Curry why didnt read da scripts its fillium wif Drew Barrymore.
so now our asian undercover as a massuese, and now we a scene of her stealing keys to get his phone but not afore get another double ententendre
"im not going near your staff"
DOUBLE ENTENDRE COUNT 5
So da angels crash a celerbrity party, with Natalie saying that its her first party by saying she is a virgin
DOUBLE ENTENDRE COUNT 6
AND bosley and curry fight in Sumo suits
...right!
so da angels have a matrix fight a kidnapper dat cuts sum of dylans hair and dey rescue the millionaire
vivian the millionaire wife explains the voice recognition technology when used with curry satelite will turn any phone intah a homing device for a lasah!
or sum shite! i think barrymore gave the writers some special buns!
cut to scene at a race track as curry has a car in the race his driver the Crazy assasian and natalie is spurred on by revenge. and for some fillah! it even turns inta a game of chicken on da golden gate bridge! more pointless shite!
great we now have a an intelligent scene talkin' of curry factory and how do gurls plan on getting da keys to da main frame?
By dressing like belly dancers of course. its all a ruse t'get alex t'get a man finger prints on a beer bottle, and for get a free beer
oi know i keep going on abou' this but come on
(glug glug glug)
next we get a second ruse ...as a German Polka Group?
okay okay has Drew made a big poto' Mushroom soup?
we now get another Double Enrendre
whip them into shape
DOUBLE ENTENDRE COUNT:7
so as Alex causes a full scale Bolshevik uprisin' its up to Natalie and Drunko t'break intah the mainframe diaz somersaults in a catsuit with thong feature riding up her hole!
so Drunkie McPillpopper is workin' security as she falls for knox, as diaz goes to a hippity hop club and a pointless scene with we think alex is dead but its Joeys fillium.
we also see vivian putting da moves on bosley
Now for the real point twist. Crazy assasian man kills Curry
nooooooo! he was da best actah in dis!
as we can guess from the scene with da scene with viv and bosley, that knox is really evil and that he wants to kill all the millionaire so he can be the richest and most powerful man on the planet.
tiome to put da spuds on !
Da gurls break in t'rescue bosley, da gurls beat up the gang and rescue charlie inthe nick ov tiome. and Dylan sees Charlies face off camera. as our Merry band of idiots frolick in bikinis
this film was a flop in cinemas unfortatly it was not enuff t'stop a sequel cause it got some sales from hollering boggers that havent smell a women during da winter.
LIOKE ME!
YUUUUUUUUP!
THIS IS JOE-JACK DA CULCHIE SAYIN'
GET OF MY LAND!
*GUNSHOT*
for part 3 xwauniverserse.com-off topic forum)
SO EAMONN IS DOING A THRIPLE FEATURE FER HIZ BIRFDAY? AND WHERE AM I?
PART 2!
OI'M DA FILLIUM CRICKET!
I JUST HOPE I GET A FILLIUM SO BAD, DAT I SHOW UP DAT TOWNIE!
(a dvd of charlies angels comes through the letterbox)
AHO! LUVLY GURLS!
(1 VIEWING LATER)
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WHAT A FOOKING TERRIBLE FILLIUM!
so we a on a plane or at least a plane in a really bad movie as a black stereotype walks to a terrorist with a bumb on him
Dey watch a fillium of tj hooker da movie.
the actors hear break the 4th wall wif dis
"another movie of old tv show"
"yeah what can you do?
"leave"
Hear dat audience, Run for ya lives it a Drew Barrymore film!
So da Black throws da terrorist ov da plane ontah a boat driven by ya one doing Dustin Trousersnake, and da Chinkey one from Ali Mcbeal and it turns out dat da black man is drew barrymore
SHES A MAN, MAN!
So now she an introduction by charlie, of our 3 gurls lives
Natalie (Diaz) was a skilled driver and genious
Alex (liu) was a horse-rider and astronaut
and Dylan (barrymore) was a teen drinker
wow she didnt even havt' research this part
so now to dere adult lives, Dylan lives a stoner (wow just like real life!) Diaz dreams ov being broadway star. as she talks to a postman she uses the phrase "put it in my shot"
DOUBLE ENTENDRE COUNT:1
Alex is helping her boyfriend Joey from friends with his lines with two double entendre counts
"long hard and rough" and i'd just get there faster
DOUBLE ENTENDRE COUNT:3
Entah Bosley(bill murray), who confides in alex about her love life using body building references including "clean and the jerk his love"
DOUBLE ENTENDRE COUNT:4
charlie gives da luvly girls, there next mission find kidnapped millionaire and his stolen recog-me-nition technology. Da suspect tim Curry
Dahmmit Tim Curry why didnt read da scripts its fillium wif Drew Barrymore.
so now our asian undercover as a massuese, and now we a scene of her stealing keys to get his phone but not afore get another double ententendre
"im not going near your staff"
DOUBLE ENTENDRE COUNT 5
So da angels crash a celerbrity party, with Natalie saying that its her first party by saying she is a virgin
DOUBLE ENTENDRE COUNT 6
AND bosley and curry fight in Sumo suits
...right!
so da angels have a matrix fight a kidnapper dat cuts sum of dylans hair and dey rescue the millionaire
vivian the millionaire wife explains the voice recognition technology when used with curry satelite will turn any phone intah a homing device for a lasah!
or sum shite! i think barrymore gave the writers some special buns!
cut to scene at a race track as curry has a car in the race his driver the Crazy assasian and natalie is spurred on by revenge. and for some fillah! it even turns inta a game of chicken on da golden gate bridge! more pointless shite!
great we now have a an intelligent scene talkin' of curry factory and how do gurls plan on getting da keys to da main frame?
By dressing like belly dancers of course. its all a ruse t'get alex t'get a man finger prints on a beer bottle, and for get a free beer
oi know i keep going on abou' this but come on
(glug glug glug)
next we get a second ruse ...as a German Polka Group?
okay okay has Drew made a big poto' Mushroom soup?
we now get another Double Enrendre
whip them into shape
DOUBLE ENTENDRE COUNT:7
so as Alex causes a full scale Bolshevik uprisin' its up to Natalie and Drunko t'break intah the mainframe diaz somersaults in a catsuit with thong feature riding up her hole!
so Drunkie McPillpopper is workin' security as she falls for knox, as diaz goes to a hippity hop club and a pointless scene with we think alex is dead but its Joeys fillium.
we also see vivian putting da moves on bosley
Now for the real point twist. Crazy assasian man kills Curry
nooooooo! he was da best actah in dis!
as we can guess from the scene with da scene with viv and bosley, that knox is really evil and that he wants to kill all the millionaire so he can be the richest and most powerful man on the planet.
tiome to put da spuds on !
Da gurls break in t'rescue bosley, da gurls beat up the gang and rescue charlie inthe nick ov tiome. and Dylan sees Charlies face off camera. as our Merry band of idiots frolick in bikinis
this film was a flop in cinemas unfortatly it was not enuff t'stop a sequel cause it got some sales from hollering boggers that havent smell a women during da winter.
LIOKE ME!
YUUUUUUUUP!
THIS IS JOE-JACK DA CULCHIE SAYIN'
GET OF MY LAND!
*GUNSHOT*
Monday, April 19, 2010
BLACK SHEEP REVIEW
HALLO JOE-JACK HERE!
I'm back from me pilgramage t'da dog-shite shaped lioke Da Blessed Virgin! so i'm back doin' Reviews ov Filliums...okay tiome get back intah code!
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WHAT A FOOKING FUNNY FILLIUM!
Dis munt oi'm goin't' review a Fillium from Nu Z-land, Black Sheep.
A 'orror komaday Dat turns a country-boys concubine, da sheep inta an instrument ov Terroh!
Da fillium starts wif, natuarally a field of bootiful sheep.
Oi luv sheep (creepily) i really love sheep.
We are introduced t'Henry a boy who is 'erdin da sheep with his da. Henry has a pet sheep called doris he also has bro'her called angus, who is a cripple. and Natuarally, he is bitter of all the love his bro'er is getting. so he kill doris and wears her carcass to frighten Henry. both boys are then told that their father is dead after falling ov a cliff to save a lamb.
fast foward 15 years and henry is a man with a fear ov sheep
Ya big Hand rared sheep are luverly
i really luv sheep!
Meanwhile 2 hippies brak into da farm, one of dem, Grant, has stolen nuclear waste with a lamb insiode. the jar is smashed and da lamb bites grants ear ov!
i had a love bite frem a sheep once!
she was me first love!
Meanwhile we are introduce to the plot. henry has returned t'da farm to sell his share of it t'Angus. while angus is preparing to give a speech. y'see angus has invented his own species of sheep the oatfield ewe
An Evil ewe!
It's not long afore da sheep pass da virus aroun' and revolt against da humans. and its up tah Henry, hippie Experience and farmer tucker t'save da day! but tucker is bitten by a sheep and capture by angus' lab-men.
Experince and Henry are thrown into an offal pit. they escape but run intah grant who is turned intah a sheep-man.
but grant bites henry turning henry slowly into a sheep.
meanwhile angus gets cured and escapes wen da lab-people are killed and tucker steals da cure.
angus -display goes wrong as a army of sheep kill or transforms the audience of townies!
YEAH GO ON YA SHEEP! KILL DHOSE FOOKING TOWNIES!
Angus descents into madness and become obseessed with his oldfield ewe
(looking nervous yeah i never did dat to a sheep!)
Tiome ta Put Da Spuds on!
Angus gets killed, twice, tucker cure henry and all da mutants, da sheep is burned t'death. and our 3 hereos take up organic farming.
so dats Black Sheep. its Silly, it has a nobody cast and its filmed on a budget!
And oi luv ev'ry minute ov it!
If ya luv Shaun ov Da Dead and Zombieland, then black sheep is fer you! be careful though as its still a 'orror fillium, so if ya skrimish look elsewhere!
Dis is Joe-jack da Culchie Saying GET OF MY LAND!
*GUNSHOT!*
I'm back from me pilgramage t'da dog-shite shaped lioke Da Blessed Virgin! so i'm back doin' Reviews ov Filliums...okay tiome get back intah code!
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WHAT A FOOKING FUNNY FILLIUM!
Dis munt oi'm goin't' review a Fillium from Nu Z-land, Black Sheep.
A 'orror komaday Dat turns a country-boys concubine, da sheep inta an instrument ov Terroh!
Da fillium starts wif, natuarally a field of bootiful sheep.
Oi luv sheep (creepily) i really love sheep.
We are introduced t'Henry a boy who is 'erdin da sheep with his da. Henry has a pet sheep called doris he also has bro'her called angus, who is a cripple. and Natuarally, he is bitter of all the love his bro'er is getting. so he kill doris and wears her carcass to frighten Henry. both boys are then told that their father is dead after falling ov a cliff to save a lamb.
fast foward 15 years and henry is a man with a fear ov sheep
Ya big Hand rared sheep are luverly
i really luv sheep!
Meanwhile 2 hippies brak into da farm, one of dem, Grant, has stolen nuclear waste with a lamb insiode. the jar is smashed and da lamb bites grants ear ov!
i had a love bite frem a sheep once!
she was me first love!
Meanwhile we are introduce to the plot. henry has returned t'da farm to sell his share of it t'Angus. while angus is preparing to give a speech. y'see angus has invented his own species of sheep the oatfield ewe
An Evil ewe!
It's not long afore da sheep pass da virus aroun' and revolt against da humans. and its up tah Henry, hippie Experience and farmer tucker t'save da day! but tucker is bitten by a sheep and capture by angus' lab-men.
Experince and Henry are thrown into an offal pit. they escape but run intah grant who is turned intah a sheep-man.
but grant bites henry turning henry slowly into a sheep.
meanwhile angus gets cured and escapes wen da lab-people are killed and tucker steals da cure.
angus -display goes wrong as a army of sheep kill or transforms the audience of townies!
YEAH GO ON YA SHEEP! KILL DHOSE FOOKING TOWNIES!
Angus descents into madness and become obseessed with his oldfield ewe
(looking nervous yeah i never did dat to a sheep!)
Tiome ta Put Da Spuds on!
Angus gets killed, twice, tucker cure henry and all da mutants, da sheep is burned t'death. and our 3 hereos take up organic farming.
so dats Black Sheep. its Silly, it has a nobody cast and its filmed on a budget!
And oi luv ev'ry minute ov it!
If ya luv Shaun ov Da Dead and Zombieland, then black sheep is fer you! be careful though as its still a 'orror fillium, so if ya skrimish look elsewhere!
Dis is Joe-jack da Culchie Saying GET OF MY LAND!
*GUNSHOT!*
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
st patrick day special: the worst Dahm kids films of my childhood.PERIOD.
Hey guy its Eamonn
Joe-jack cant be here because he's gone to his pilgramage to the dog-dirt shaped like the blessed virgin.
such is the wonder of the backwater that is the West of Ireland. they only had electricity for a decade now!
10.
the bare foot executive
okay stop me if i say anything sounds stupid! a mail-worker in a tv station uses his girlfriends chimp to pick the top proogrammes
Audience: stop!
okay so you will really hate this movie!
9.
Anastasia
hey kids its a true story about the Russian princess who survived the maasacre of her family by the Bolseviks...with talking bats and a zombie rasputin..Hello?
8 sister act 1 and 2
okay they are good films but to have it show in lent or easter...EVERY. FUCKING. YEAR!??!
7.babe pig in the city.
drug smuggling,animal cruelty and a pig being half hanged...for kids!
6 any christmas film shown out of place.
really. i mean it happens all the time somewhere
5 power rangers turbo the movie.
lame and camp film for lame and camp tv series. what kid of shit was i into as a kid?
4
street fighter.
my hatred for this film is legandary. so i wont even start to rant about its bullshit!
3
sub-urban commando
say it with me now!
I WAS FROZEN TODAY!
2
any film that made by americans or any non irish country for st patricks day!
these film go by to categories.
BORDERLINE and RASCIST!
1
Rainbow
if you havent seen this film then dont! this Bob hopskins horse-shit has the worst story and the worst special effects about a bunch that travel across america in a rainbow and must return crock-gold to it before all the colour and therefore all the good in the world is washed away?
THATS BULLSHIT!
Next month Joe-Jack will be back to review yet another shit storm of a film
for now,
i'm the enlighted one
and its being my pleasure!
Joe-jack cant be here because he's gone to his pilgramage to the dog-dirt shaped like the blessed virgin.
such is the wonder of the backwater that is the West of Ireland. they only had electricity for a decade now!
10.
the bare foot executive
okay stop me if i say anything sounds stupid! a mail-worker in a tv station uses his girlfriends chimp to pick the top proogrammes
Audience: stop!
okay so you will really hate this movie!
9.
Anastasia
hey kids its a true story about the Russian princess who survived the maasacre of her family by the Bolseviks...with talking bats and a zombie rasputin..Hello?
8 sister act 1 and 2
okay they are good films but to have it show in lent or easter...EVERY. FUCKING. YEAR!??!
7.babe pig in the city.
drug smuggling,animal cruelty and a pig being half hanged...for kids!
6 any christmas film shown out of place.
really. i mean it happens all the time somewhere
5 power rangers turbo the movie.
lame and camp film for lame and camp tv series. what kid of shit was i into as a kid?
4
street fighter.
my hatred for this film is legandary. so i wont even start to rant about its bullshit!
3
sub-urban commando
say it with me now!
I WAS FROZEN TODAY!
2
any film that made by americans or any non irish country for st patricks day!
these film go by to categories.
BORDERLINE and RASCIST!
1
Rainbow
if you havent seen this film then dont! this Bob hopskins horse-shit has the worst story and the worst special effects about a bunch that travel across america in a rainbow and must return crock-gold to it before all the colour and therefore all the good in the world is washed away?
THATS BULLSHIT!
Next month Joe-Jack will be back to review yet another shit storm of a film
for now,
i'm the enlighted one
and its being my pleasure!
Monday, February 22, 2010
TAG TEAM REVIEW! JOE-JACK AND EAMONN REVIEW 12 ROUNDS
(EAMONN LINES IN BLACK)
(JOE-JACK LINES IN BLUE)
Hello its eamonn and i'm sure your all ready for wrestlemania but today in lieu of paying money for elimination chamber i thought i'd review 12 rounds a film that stars the Gary Glitter of the wrestling world, John Cena and
DIIIIIIIIEEEEE!
(JOE-JACK START FIGHTING! BUT JOE-JACK HAS HAS HIS THROAT)
OI TOLE YA AFORE! I'M DA FILLIUM CRICKET!IF OI EVA SEE YA AGAIN I'M GONNA...
IS DAT A DAVEYDAY PLAYER
(COUGH) Take it if you want i just want to live!
i only review da fillium is in thr cinema so oi'd lioke t'watch da fillium wif ya.
sure only if you do the line!
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WHAT FOOKING TERRIBLE FILLIUM! ITS COPYING DIE-HARD!
However its the director of die -hard thats doing this so that's pretty sad!
dis fillium starts in new orleans in france!
(idiot!)
whayasay?
...i said the agents expositions about a criminal mastermind called miles jackson (played by Aiden Gillen)
played by OUR MAN aiden Gillian ya mean.
so the feds are rumbled by the pasty and miles kills them.
DHOSE GARDS HAD TWOS DAYS TIL RETIREMENT
and how does miles thanks his friend? he kills him!
holy schmokes i thought this fillium was shite!
did you say shite? well here it is! The master of 4 moves! John fucking cena. he plays danny fisher a cop who lives with his girlfriend molly. him and his partner pull over the girlfriend of the villian this leads to a firefight where cenas partners gets shot in the arse! because arse jokes are funny right cena? what kind of idiot would that funny?
(joe jack laughs loudly)
AND DAT MANS ARSE HAD TWO DAYS TIL RETIREMENT!
BUT in the confusion the girlfriend gets ran over. distraught, miles seeks revenge on fisher who is wearing the biggest name tag ever he could put a chain on it like FLAVA-FLAV! Cena was a wannabe rapper.
next scene and its a year later its written on a screen no its on a cue-ball.that the most pointless screen wipe I've seen.
IVE GOTS ONE YEAR LATER UNDERPANTS!
THANKS FOR THAT JOE-JACK!
the gards girlfriend gets kipnapped and his house blown up in a stoopid effect!
yeah you can see the strings. i always knew Cena was a Muppet!
so its round 3 as cena does his terminator 2 be running really fast!
a riddle leads to a firestation where it maybe has a bomb in it.
a fire-station on fire. if you have to steal jokes from King of the Hill then i think you should jack it in
Roun' 4 starts and there is a bank on fire this leads to one ov many slow-motion and blue colour screen. dat get very annoying. like oi'm watchin' dis underwat'r
next the two douchebag feds turn up one of them have a plot device of a toy car that he pops the bonnet of up and down when he's nervous ...yeah!
so fisher turns up in a firemans jackets and and breaks things up in shite with an axe
HE'S A LUMBERJACK AND HE'S OKAY
BUT HE FORCES REAL FANS TO WATCH TNA!
Next roun' an danny must travel and deliver to the other side of town with da two bombs . t'make it easier fisher uses da handy spools of cables to get down
oh yeah because every bank has those!
so danny uses da bridige to get to da pier . oh and t'run over a pop-corn machine a Hawaiian style pub and 7 cars.
those pop corn machine, Hawaiian style pub and 7 cars had 2 days left til retire-
shut up!
round 6 starts in a hotel room danny is paired with a hotel security guard call willy and both a stuck in a lift the round is decide who gets out alive from the lift before it free falls but danny tries to save willy but he cant this was the only good scene in this film!
having tiome to reflect in slow motion. miles calls fisher in a rip-off of die-'ard 3 where da bad-guy taunts da FBI.he says that his next clue is a pic-daw of lonely man. he finds it.and miles taunts fisher be taking out his sims so no -one can finds him!
dahmmit miles o2 4 free sims plan is one per customer!
so roun' 7 is on a bus dere is a bomb on da bus buts its on molly!
(DRAMATIC MOOSIK!)
the bus is also filled with the dumbest people on the bus! they obviously see miles hand-cuffing fisher,fisher curses and a bomb obviously glowing through mollys jacket and they do nothing!
so da feds try t'shoot OUR MAN but fail molley and miles leave through the crowd!
round 8 and fisher is given 5 number to call if he picks the wrong number its round 9.
he picks one and gets it wrong. the brakes of a tram is now failing and danny must stop it!
we now see a fun fair fer sum reason.
wow... imagine being at a fun fair instead of this!
its there a pint t'dis?
yes the funfair is on the tram lines! as if this movie could'nt make less sense
maybe dey woz going yo have it at da bottom ov a lake but it was doublebooked,so it was!
naturally fisher saves the day but miles kills Danny's police partner and what i guess is miles twin brother or something!.
da toy-car fed explains why he carries it around but at this point oi could care less!
so i guess the writers cant count because its round 12 now! And it fisher realises that every cops is on this case making miles open to attack a commit a crime without worry
oh lioke Die-'ard 3
so it turns out every thing that fisher has done today has helped miles to formulate his plan to steal the national mint.
all he need is a pilot but he has one -molly.
i thought she was a nurse!
tiome t'put da spuds on!
Miles gets killed in a fireless explosion. as Danny and molly fall in a cement pond as money fall from the sky and cena in a stoopid line t'be funny
"yeah...about the house..."
THIS FILM SUCKS! the acting is adequate until Cena shows up, the special effects seem tacked up and apart of the elevator none of the action sequences where original .and as for the dvd extras they are not so great.
this is joe-jack da culchie saying GET OF MY LAND!
*GUNSHOT*AT Eamonn
(JOE-JACK LINES IN BLUE)
Hello its eamonn and i'm sure your all ready for wrestlemania but today in lieu of paying money for elimination chamber i thought i'd review 12 rounds a film that stars the Gary Glitter of the wrestling world, John Cena and
DIIIIIIIIEEEEE!
(JOE-JACK START FIGHTING! BUT JOE-JACK HAS HAS HIS THROAT)
OI TOLE YA AFORE! I'M DA FILLIUM CRICKET!IF OI EVA SEE YA AGAIN I'M GONNA...
IS DAT A DAVEYDAY PLAYER
(COUGH) Take it if you want i just want to live!
i only review da fillium is in thr cinema so oi'd lioke t'watch da fillium wif ya.
sure only if you do the line!
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WHAT FOOKING TERRIBLE FILLIUM! ITS COPYING DIE-HARD!
However its the director of die -hard thats doing this so that's pretty sad!
dis fillium starts in new orleans in france!
(idiot!)
whayasay?
...i said the agents expositions about a criminal mastermind called miles jackson (played by Aiden Gillen)
played by OUR MAN aiden Gillian ya mean.
so the feds are rumbled by the pasty and miles kills them.
DHOSE GARDS HAD TWOS DAYS TIL RETIREMENT
and how does miles thanks his friend? he kills him!
holy schmokes i thought this fillium was shite!
did you say shite? well here it is! The master of 4 moves! John fucking cena. he plays danny fisher a cop who lives with his girlfriend molly. him and his partner pull over the girlfriend of the villian this leads to a firefight where cenas partners gets shot in the arse! because arse jokes are funny right cena? what kind of idiot would that funny?
(joe jack laughs loudly)
AND DAT MANS ARSE HAD TWO DAYS TIL RETIREMENT!
BUT in the confusion the girlfriend gets ran over. distraught, miles seeks revenge on fisher who is wearing the biggest name tag ever he could put a chain on it like FLAVA-FLAV! Cena was a wannabe rapper.
next scene and its a year later its written on a screen no its on a cue-ball.that the most pointless screen wipe I've seen.
IVE GOTS ONE YEAR LATER UNDERPANTS!
THANKS FOR THAT JOE-JACK!
the gards girlfriend gets kipnapped and his house blown up in a stoopid effect!
yeah you can see the strings. i always knew Cena was a Muppet!
so its round 3 as cena does his terminator 2 be running really fast!
a riddle leads to a firestation where it maybe has a bomb in it.
a fire-station on fire. if you have to steal jokes from King of the Hill then i think you should jack it in
Roun' 4 starts and there is a bank on fire this leads to one ov many slow-motion and blue colour screen. dat get very annoying. like oi'm watchin' dis underwat'r
next the two douchebag feds turn up one of them have a plot device of a toy car that he pops the bonnet of up and down when he's nervous ...yeah!
so fisher turns up in a firemans jackets and and breaks things up in shite with an axe
HE'S A LUMBERJACK AND HE'S OKAY
BUT HE FORCES REAL FANS TO WATCH TNA!
Next roun' an danny must travel and deliver to the other side of town with da two bombs . t'make it easier fisher uses da handy spools of cables to get down
oh yeah because every bank has those!
so danny uses da bridige to get to da pier . oh and t'run over a pop-corn machine a Hawaiian style pub and 7 cars.
those pop corn machine, Hawaiian style pub and 7 cars had 2 days left til retire-
shut up!
round 6 starts in a hotel room danny is paired with a hotel security guard call willy and both a stuck in a lift the round is decide who gets out alive from the lift before it free falls but danny tries to save willy but he cant this was the only good scene in this film!
having tiome to reflect in slow motion. miles calls fisher in a rip-off of die-'ard 3 where da bad-guy taunts da FBI.he says that his next clue is a pic-daw of lonely man. he finds it.and miles taunts fisher be taking out his sims so no -one can finds him!
dahmmit miles o2 4 free sims plan is one per customer!
so roun' 7 is on a bus dere is a bomb on da bus buts its on molly!
(DRAMATIC MOOSIK!)
the bus is also filled with the dumbest people on the bus! they obviously see miles hand-cuffing fisher,fisher curses and a bomb obviously glowing through mollys jacket and they do nothing!
so da feds try t'shoot OUR MAN but fail molley and miles leave through the crowd!
round 8 and fisher is given 5 number to call if he picks the wrong number its round 9.
he picks one and gets it wrong. the brakes of a tram is now failing and danny must stop it!
we now see a fun fair fer sum reason.
wow... imagine being at a fun fair instead of this!
its there a pint t'dis?
yes the funfair is on the tram lines! as if this movie could'nt make less sense
maybe dey woz going yo have it at da bottom ov a lake but it was doublebooked,so it was!
naturally fisher saves the day but miles kills Danny's police partner and what i guess is miles twin brother or something!.
da toy-car fed explains why he carries it around but at this point oi could care less!
so i guess the writers cant count because its round 12 now! And it fisher realises that every cops is on this case making miles open to attack a commit a crime without worry
oh lioke Die-'ard 3
so it turns out every thing that fisher has done today has helped miles to formulate his plan to steal the national mint.
all he need is a pilot but he has one -molly.
i thought she was a nurse!
tiome t'put da spuds on!
Miles gets killed in a fireless explosion. as Danny and molly fall in a cement pond as money fall from the sky and cena in a stoopid line t'be funny
"yeah...about the house..."
THIS FILM SUCKS! the acting is adequate until Cena shows up, the special effects seem tacked up and apart of the elevator none of the action sequences where original .and as for the dvd extras they are not so great.
this is joe-jack da culchie saying GET OF MY LAND!
*GUNSHOT*AT Eamonn
Monday, January 25, 2010
TAG REVIEW! Eamonn reviews Planet 51
Joe-Jack: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WHAT A -
Eamonn : wait wait wait i'm doing this review
J: EAMONN BERMINGHAM? Da fake-fightin' cricket?
E: critic! and yes i review wrestling and this film has Dwayne Johnson in it so it garners my attenion
J: THATS ME ARSE OF A CRACK! I'M THE FILLIUM CRICKET AROUN' HERE! AND YOU CANT STOP M...
E: I'LL GIVE YOU A FIVER!
J: DEAL
yes this is a tag review that means i do a film review while joe-jack does something on my blog i also have a wrestling reference jar every time i make a wrestling reference i will put a euro in the jar.
okay so lets dig in!
the film starts with a film within a film. where a young alien named Echo is found by his mother watching a scary sci-fi called HUMANIACS. Remember this because this is a major plotline. we now get a set piece to that dire lollipop song. this is how we see usually see the world created for these animated films. and this world is is sci-fi and 50s based. a visiual joke of children playing hopscotch on crop-circles raised a chuckle and a running joke of a alien dog that looks like the xenomorph from Alien. the flying saucers resemble Studebakers And chevys, the female aliens wear skirts and are barefoot while the males wear shirts and are bare legged.
"WE AINT GONNA WEAR NO PANTS!"
WRESTLING REFERENCE JAR CONTENTS : €1
Okay when the story kicks in we met our 1st protagonist,Echos brother Limb.His parents Exposistions that he got the job as junior assistant of the towns obversatory.he is so proud of this that he musters up the courage to talk to Nera (the voice of Jessica Biel), a girl he fancies but find out that she is involved with a hippie alien named Glars (the voice of Chris Masterson aka Hyde from that 70s show how has being type cast as a hippie for a decade now)
we cut to base 9 a secret base where the army study/cover up the exsistance of humans by stealing satelites inside a moon-rover activates. Its mission to find its owner!
and that is our cue to met our star!
During meteor shower a shuttle pod lands in Limbs Garden causing mass hysteria so he lands in the only place where he will be safe. the observertory where limb works.after metting and limb talks down to Chuck(played by the ROCK) The astronaut thinks that Limb is coming on to him
"the fact of the matter is this Michael cole do you like ...pie or do like the rocks...strudel? what way do you swing?"
WRESTLING REFERENCE JAR CONTENTS €2
Back at limbs house,the army lead by Gary Oldman storm the spaceship removing its items. one of them is a copy of gq with the rocks carector on the cover(bit of trivia apart from david beckham, the rock has the record for the most gq cover for a non soccor sportsman. and because i know this i lose another euro!)
WRESTLING JAR CONTENTS€3
As well as an iPod which is turned on by accident.
It plays the Macarena. and since this is the 50s the aliens scream in terror.
which is why i spent the 90s waiting for the 80s music to get back in fashion!
Of couse the General played by oldman concludes that its a weapon and that chuck is dangerous. Because of the film in the cinema the aliens think humans can make people into zombies. So chuck tells Limb, echo, limbs friend scrif, and two soldiers convinced that they are zombies (dont ask) that he needs to get back to the shuttle in 48 hours. if he doesnt the space will move out of orbit stranding Chuck forever. Limb trys to get chuck on tv to explain this to the world but the tv crew secretly film chuck as he does lines from famous sci-fi films. limb realises that saying chuck is dangerous just to save his own skin making Nera think he is a jerk,having his house quarrintined and becoming a fugitive is ruining his life.
However Chuck and Limb realised that they are alike. two arrogant people who broke down when things went wrong. they also realise that Rover(the moon-rover that acts like a dog i am so not joking here!) can track the shuttle to base nine in the dessert but its a trap as the general and professer Kipple (John Cleese) plan to lobotomise the human. so a daring rescue is made as Limb makes a truce with Glars as they save Chuck who was naked for examination.
Scrif says thats a funny place for a antenna!
*facepalm*
how around this line its much better!
"stop looking at the People Package! NO,NO.The buffet is closed!
Dahmmit!
WRESTLING REFERENCE JAR CONTENTS €4
Buts too late as the shuttles automatic timer reaches zero as it blasts its engines starting fire.A REAL INFERNO! MATCH!
WRESTLING REFERENCE JAR CONTENTS €5
But chuck saves the General because this the Disney film and people dont die in those! and chuck gives the aliens a trip to outer space.
so time to wrap this up.
Limb and nera get together, rover gets to live with scrib, the general apoligies to Chuck, and chuck heads back to earth,with Xenomorph dog stowing away to open door for a sequel.
but there wont be a sequel because this film started third on the three new release world-wide!the other two were the acclaimed harry potter and the over-hyped Twi-Shite: Poo Moon! which is a shame because this was okay not bad but just okay. the rocks major problem that he works for disney. which means he doesnt get the action or comedy roles he could excel in. with that said this was Johnsons best outing for a while now Lets just hope his next film is not something stupid like him being a football player who dies and become the tooth fairy and even wears a Tu-tu!
But surely hes got more dignity than that right?
RIGHT?
Eamonn : wait wait wait i'm doing this review
J: EAMONN BERMINGHAM? Da fake-fightin' cricket?
E: critic! and yes i review wrestling and this film has Dwayne Johnson in it so it garners my attenion
J: THATS ME ARSE OF A CRACK! I'M THE FILLIUM CRICKET AROUN' HERE! AND YOU CANT STOP M...
E: I'LL GIVE YOU A FIVER!
J: DEAL
yes this is a tag review that means i do a film review while joe-jack does something on my blog i also have a wrestling reference jar every time i make a wrestling reference i will put a euro in the jar.
okay so lets dig in!
the film starts with a film within a film. where a young alien named Echo is found by his mother watching a scary sci-fi called HUMANIACS. Remember this because this is a major plotline. we now get a set piece to that dire lollipop song. this is how we see usually see the world created for these animated films. and this world is is sci-fi and 50s based. a visiual joke of children playing hopscotch on crop-circles raised a chuckle and a running joke of a alien dog that looks like the xenomorph from Alien. the flying saucers resemble Studebakers And chevys, the female aliens wear skirts and are barefoot while the males wear shirts and are bare legged.
"WE AINT GONNA WEAR NO PANTS!"
WRESTLING REFERENCE JAR CONTENTS : €1
Okay when the story kicks in we met our 1st protagonist,Echos brother Limb.His parents Exposistions that he got the job as junior assistant of the towns obversatory.he is so proud of this that he musters up the courage to talk to Nera (the voice of Jessica Biel), a girl he fancies but find out that she is involved with a hippie alien named Glars (the voice of Chris Masterson aka Hyde from that 70s show how has being type cast as a hippie for a decade now)
we cut to base 9 a secret base where the army study/cover up the exsistance of humans by stealing satelites inside a moon-rover activates. Its mission to find its owner!
and that is our cue to met our star!
During meteor shower a shuttle pod lands in Limbs Garden causing mass hysteria so he lands in the only place where he will be safe. the observertory where limb works.after metting and limb talks down to Chuck(played by the ROCK) The astronaut thinks that Limb is coming on to him
"the fact of the matter is this Michael cole do you like ...pie or do like the rocks...strudel? what way do you swing?"
WRESTLING REFERENCE JAR CONTENTS €2
Back at limbs house,the army lead by Gary Oldman storm the spaceship removing its items. one of them is a copy of gq with the rocks carector on the cover(bit of trivia apart from david beckham, the rock has the record for the most gq cover for a non soccor sportsman. and because i know this i lose another euro!)
WRESTLING JAR CONTENTS€3
As well as an iPod which is turned on by accident.
It plays the Macarena. and since this is the 50s the aliens scream in terror.
which is why i spent the 90s waiting for the 80s music to get back in fashion!
Of couse the General played by oldman concludes that its a weapon and that chuck is dangerous. Because of the film in the cinema the aliens think humans can make people into zombies. So chuck tells Limb, echo, limbs friend scrif, and two soldiers convinced that they are zombies (dont ask) that he needs to get back to the shuttle in 48 hours. if he doesnt the space will move out of orbit stranding Chuck forever. Limb trys to get chuck on tv to explain this to the world but the tv crew secretly film chuck as he does lines from famous sci-fi films. limb realises that saying chuck is dangerous just to save his own skin making Nera think he is a jerk,having his house quarrintined and becoming a fugitive is ruining his life.
However Chuck and Limb realised that they are alike. two arrogant people who broke down when things went wrong. they also realise that Rover(the moon-rover that acts like a dog i am so not joking here!) can track the shuttle to base nine in the dessert but its a trap as the general and professer Kipple (John Cleese) plan to lobotomise the human. so a daring rescue is made as Limb makes a truce with Glars as they save Chuck who was naked for examination.
Scrif says thats a funny place for a antenna!
*facepalm*
how around this line its much better!
"stop looking at the People Package! NO,NO.The buffet is closed!
Dahmmit!
WRESTLING REFERENCE JAR CONTENTS €4
Buts too late as the shuttles automatic timer reaches zero as it blasts its engines starting fire.A REAL INFERNO! MATCH!
WRESTLING REFERENCE JAR CONTENTS €5
But chuck saves the General because this the Disney film and people dont die in those! and chuck gives the aliens a trip to outer space.
so time to wrap this up.
Limb and nera get together, rover gets to live with scrib, the general apoligies to Chuck, and chuck heads back to earth,with Xenomorph dog stowing away to open door for a sequel.
but there wont be a sequel because this film started third on the three new release world-wide!the other two were the acclaimed harry potter and the over-hyped Twi-Shite: Poo Moon! which is a shame because this was okay not bad but just okay. the rocks major problem that he works for disney. which means he doesnt get the action or comedy roles he could excel in. with that said this was Johnsons best outing for a while now Lets just hope his next film is not something stupid like him being a football player who dies and become the tooth fairy and even wears a Tu-tu!
But surely hes got more dignity than that right?
RIGHT?
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