Eamonn Reviews Prince of Persia

(Eamonn's lines in black)
(Joe-jacks letter in blue)
(80's Lad's line in Orange)

Hello everyone Eamonn here filling in for Joe-jack. Why am i here? well let me read this letter that he left for me to read

Dear Townie Bastid!
(nice of him to remember my name!)
Dat big yank Dug Walkah and his Bum reviews have done it again t'me. he has review dis fillium before oi did. oi no 'e putz a scheledule for this Knosalgia critic reviews but he doesnt for his bum reviews and you had it written down in your summer scheldule on ye blog MONTHS IN ADVANCE! So now oi'm gonna swim from da beach in Stool t'da city ov Zhivago!

(i think he means Chicago)
(and tear the gums out his big yank head!)
signed Joe-jack Da Culchie
aged 42 and a half!

he's swimming to chicago. oviously he doesnt know illinois is land locked!

For those who havent played the game prince of persia(Myself Included!) let me give you the skinny. originally a game for the Atari, the original had superior Sega like graphics, in recent years a reboot and sequels merit this game to have a film made. unlike most computer game films that will make up a new story. this is based on the first game! oh and Disney is behind this!

Yeah because i'm sure 6-10 year olds know what an "Atari" is
DUDE!
The Atari will never die! Whats Dead, is the nintenDEAD!

Ignore him he's like the Go compare Opera Singer!
on to the review itself!

we get a history of the persian empire as well as an origin story of our hero, a young thief called Daz-Den saves one of the princes from being trampled by a horse. for his act of courage the king and his brother, Naz-den(Played by Ben Kingsley) raises the boy as their own.
flash forward 17 years later, as the persian invade the Holy city of Amundal. Nazden expositions that the holy city is forging weapons to sell to the persians enimies. so Daz-den (Jake Gyenhall) does his free running schtick. we now tease the arrival of our female lead, Gemma atherton, playing Princess Tamina.
and props go to who-ever designed her costumes!
they get a thumbs up!
And thats not the only thing going up!

She is the Guardian of the Game gimmick and Plot Device,The sands of time. a wondorously beutiful prop that is a dagger with a amber hour-glass in its hilt. Cosplayers take Notice!

as Amondal falls, Tamina is forced to marry Daz-den, as king of amundal the prince takes the dagger for himself!

But needs a present as a tribute to his father. so his brother Justin gives him Prayer-Robes. as his father believes that the Gods will curse him for invading a holy city, he puts the robes on! this leads to one of the most gruesome deaths i've seen in film, especially when this is 12a cert Nazi Rat film

Death By Acid Covered Prayer-Robes!

Naturally, the other Princes think Daz-den is a mur-diddly-urderer and escapes with tamina through a window.they wander the desert and you can feel the love between the 2 leads no you dont because they are constantly bickering!

THE PRINCE OF PERSIA! ACTION AND ADVENTURE! SWORD AND FLAME! AND TRYING FIND OUT WHO LEFT THE TOLIET SEAT UP!

So after this, Tamina tries to attack Daz-den who accicidentally activates the daggers power and turns back time seconds before the princess attacked him.
okay...
LETS DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

so now we got that joke out of the way lets continue..
so yeah, the prince realises that the invasion was for this Dagger. and while the power to turn back time is a great power. there is only so much sand in the dagger and in the vial over Atherton Loverly Rack! Daz-den asks how can he get more of this sand.
Tamina tells him to go stand on his head and hold his breath!

Cant you just feel the love?

so the heroes go to the village of the Slaves, for that Fantasy Cliche of Drumming up Allies. there they met a shiek played by the Gut from the Money Supermarket ads who makes his living of the most dangerous Creatures in Africa!

Snakes?
scorpions?
loins?
Pussies!..compare to the real Bastards!...
OSTRICHES!

And before you laugh, i am not kidding, when i was younger my family would go to pet farms and they would ostriches there.and there would also be stupid Hand-Book Parents telling there kids to feed and hug the ostiche for a photo and the ostriches would get mad.and attack the child, dahm-near blinding a little girl one time.

"Yeah kids go feed the wild animal with the sharp beak and 3 1-foot talons one each powerful leg. just understand that suing the pet farm for having a dangerous animal with a distance and warning signs in its pen will not make up me being a bad parent!"

Anyway at the ostriches racing track, with tamina working as a serving wrench( in a skimpier costume, no less!) the shiek recognises the prince and that he has a bounty on his head. Daz-Den destroyes Slave-town by Releasing all the Ostriches!

RUN! RUN! OSTRICHES WILL FUCK YOU UP!

So since rallying allies such a success, Plan b is return to persia incognito where Justin is now king! but justin tell him The Prince That it was Naz-den That gave him the robes. Daz explains how to use the dagger before killing himself hoping his brother uses it power. he does but Justin is killed.

We now get to flash-backs from our heroes first Tamina tells Daz of a sand storm that the gods sent to destroy mankind only for the people to prayer not to and the storm sealed in amber in the Holy city

Yeah Gods are Dicks that way!

And daz tells Tamina of a story OF Naz-Den saving the king from a loin. so Naz' plan is to destroy the sands turning back time to that event and not save his brother. changing the time-line for ever. they are then greeted to a disturbing sight.
An Ostrich in a Ski-Mask!

so it was the Ostriches that were responible for 9/11!
I KNEW IT!
The shiek captures our heroes but taminas promise of Amundalian Gold changes the shieks mind.

At the same time, Naz-den Hires the school of Hassasians. and no i'll not saying...
B-COZ PUR LITRA-C IZ...KEWL!

Because, Assasian means "he who takes hash!" believing that being doped to the gills made you impervious to pain. and now we see some nice sword play some parkour to rival our hero, and the taking of marijuana to the arabic equivilent to Trance Music.

Nightfall at our our heroes camp as onimous Tremors surround our sleeping Heroes.

Oh no its the Graboibs! Someone call Kevin Bacon!

no its the assasians who are transformed!
Jump-scare in 3 2 1..
CAT!
...i mean...SNAKE!

so our heroes Survive but lose the dagger!

with the dagger gone. our heroes return to the holy city. im going to speed through this action heavy part of the film by saying they retrive the dagger, Daz-den loses another brother, and since tamina is the only one that can open the chamber to the Sands, she gets kidnapped. dazden goes to rescue her but sets of a booby trap sealing all the exits but automatically opening the chamber for naz-den. Feeling that she she failed, she loosens her grip and plunges to her death.

Are you sure this is a Disney film.

so this is the end. Naz has stabbed the amber with the dagger releasing the sand into the dagger. but Daz manages to remove the ruby cap of the dagger letting the sand flow back to the time Amundal fell. with his memories in tact he acuses his uncle of playing to kill his king. of course naz denies but when Daz remove his glove to revel acid burns from handling the prayer robes. he attacks.

So lets Wrap this One up!
Daz-den kills his uncle. he returns the dagger to Tamina and Tamina says that deja -vu tells her that the prince is a good man and brave warrior and falls in love.

"Librarian: first they hate each other. now they love each other! i dont get it!
Moutached Man: of course you don't your a robot!
HEAD EXPLODES!"

THIS FILM...doesnt suck! i'd admit there is some things wrong with it, the lack of chemistry between the two leads, the cliched story and the over reliance of the action and special effects! but the casting of Ben kingsley and Omar Djwadi was great. as a computer game based film it was a good as mortal Kombat but better than ...The Van Damme Film That Must Not Be Named!

So the film was good i guess.

Joe-jack will be back next month possibly. follow me at pathofenlightment.blogspot.com or on Youtube for monthly Bulletins on Youtube.com/ThePathofenlightment.

oh and now a PSA.
If you are at a pet farm, safari park or zoo and someone asks you to feed or hug an Ostrich,
Just Say No!

OSTRICHES.
THEY WILL FUCK YOU UP!