Eamonn reviews city of ember

(the theme for this review is The Jam-Going Underground)

(PREVIOUSLY AT BOGGERBOXOFFICE)

Back in April here at Enlightened Towers we where going to review Twillight on its european release. only for Doug walker to do a bum review, UNANNOUNCED ON HIS SITE! while i had stated that i would review twillight new moon MONTHS IN ADVANCE! Last month i review Prince of Persia on its european release. only to find out that on thatguywiththeglasses.com that he reviewed the film A week before i did and he did it, you guess it, UNANNOUNCED BY HIS PEOPLE! but while i realise that i'm too weak to put up a fight with someone so popular(and i am a fan dont get me wrong!) Joe-jack took offence and was going to- get this- swim to Chicago!

(SOMEWHERE IN THE ATLANTIC OCEAN)

Joe-jack was swimming but gets tired and starts to drown. he is rescued by a pair of Topless Mermaids

JOE-JACK: TELL ME OI'M DREAMIN'!

MERMAID:(giggles) Of course you are dreaming! Mermaids aren't real! you're going wake up on the beach with Travellers trying to steal your boots!

(he wakes up)
HEY YOU TINKERS! STOP STEALING ME BOOTS!
(he gets up and dusts himself off. When he realises he's back at Stool Beach. he drops to his Knees and shouts to the heavens!)
WWWWWWALLLLLLKKKKKAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!

Todays film is a film that was filmed in belfast and is one of those films that tried to knock harry potter of his pedestal. and since it was filmed in ireland, it got a big promotional suck off from both sides of the border.

it bombed!
but is it really that bad?

well lets find out as we dig into...
City of ember!

The narrative treats us to this happy scene
"when the world ended, the future of mankind was kept in a metal box"
Because thats what every children film needs right? The Apocalypse!

we open to a group of scientists that have said box and fill it with instructions and a key card. they then give it to scientist in mayorly robes. the narrator tells us that when a new mayor was elected, the box was handed over from the last mayor to the next. this is shown by hands passing the box and the box slowly rusting!

i've ripped of Linkara,
i've ripped of Nostalgia Critic,
now i'm ripping of Film Brain with some...
SYMBOLISM~!!!

47 Years to the events of this film. the mayor has a heart attack and the box gets stolen only for it to be forgotten about under a pile of wool.

ok i have to call B.S Here! if the mayor carries the box everywhere and people knows its important, even if the dont know what it really is, wouldnt the staff and family launch an enquiry to find it?

so that is the plot to City of ember, where Humanity is Going UnderGround!
i wonder if the birds are singing, or if the birds are shouting for Tomorrow?

In the city we met our hero, June Harrows,who tells his father that its assignment day at school and with the blackouts in recent days, he will go into the generator because he is somewhat of an engineering prodigy.

we also met our co-star, Mina Mayfleet played by Lovely bones star Saorse Ronan and before she was making us shit bricks in that film, he gradurated from the Hugh Laurie Institute For Bad American Accents!

we are now shown the city of ember and(laughs loudly) god i wish i had photos! but for an "underground" city it looks likes a belfast bombsite(because they preserve them for prospirity)  covered in a tarpulin and yellow fairy-lights! it gives a yellow tinge to everything, like the actors came down with Jaundice, or if someone pissed on the negative.

so we meet the villian in this film, the mayor (played by Bill Murray) he is here for assignment day a raffle for childern aged 12-16 to decide what jobs they will do in for the rest of their lifes, starting today!

Child Labour-y'know for Kids!

Our Heroes dont get the jobs they want but since no-one gets payed differently anyway, they swap for the job they what!

Mina becomes a messanger like she wanted and tells her gran that lives in a house covered in wool
ooooh Plot Device!

while June get to work in the pipe works! and his first day doesnt go to plan because all the adults in this film save for Junes dad, Gran, and The Mayor are Morons! as June is disgusted to here that fixing the pipes consist of Duct-taping the Holes

BATISTA: DUCT-TAPE? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? DUCT-TAPE?

A Huge blackout grips the city and did i tell you that some of this film was filmed in Canada, where blue screen is widely available? which why a genarator fire looks so stunning? now you know!

During the blackout an outsider comes into the city via the river covered in a virus, implying it was that what killed humanity 200 years ago. the outsider is taken away clutching a giant beetles horn. yes the animals have grown to giant sizes. but the budget ran out before they could CGI-A Giant One-Horned Beetle!

As everyone is panicking, gran gets sick with worry trying to find the box! she explains the purpose to Mina and after that. she dies.

Mina and her sister move in with a Religious Women. who tries to peddle the "God provides...so we can spend the rest of the film singing and not helping anyone!"

Mina sends a message to the mayor. but see that all the another mayors portraits have them holding the Box. the Mayor has a key card similar to the one in the Box.

With everyone looting for food, mina sees that here friends have more cans than everyone else! she tells him that her boyfriend who works for the mayor gave her cans for a present. mina goes into the room and see
A) A horde of food and
B) A cgi mole!

The appearance of the mole is  frightening to say the least but it gets more disturbing as its bristles feels over the 12 year olds body.

What is this? A hentai?

the mole chases mina into the pipes where june chases it off!

Mina accuses the mayor of hording food as June steals the key card. so our heros are on the run. but the Singing Morons are too busy singing to do anything!

the map leads the heros to the pipeworks where the keycards makes the lockers double into boats. Sol, Junes supervisor makes the desicion to shut off the second generator forever, plunging the the city into darkness, causing to the Singing Morons to stop singing!

the mayor hides in his stash and where the mole appears and...heavily imply that he ate him!
ZULL, MOTHERFUCKER,ZULL!

so the kids enter the worst idea to make this film into a rollercoaster, and make it into the outside world, where its dark.
it seems it all for nought but wait!

whats that coming over the hill?
Is it a monster?
NO!
after an hour of yellow tinted imagery and total darkness.
the sun rises.
the kids sents a message on a stone down into ember where junes father reads. and the film ends with the childern watching over into the blue yonder.

THIS FILM SUCKS!
OR DOES IT?
On one hand the story is too adult the accents are laughable, and the background is a joke! on the other hand, the story is original, the moral of only you can get what you want is inspiring and film comes off as epic.

not the worst film i,ve seen, this was Amatuer Hour!
But as a special treat next month i'm going to be reviewing one of my favourite films for you? which one it'll be revealed over the weeks but all i can say that its all-time classic!

you can follow me on Youtube at www.youtube.com/ThePathofenlightment