Eamonn reviews Free Guy

 Decay of a Dream. Chapter 2

What Price, Progress?

As quickly as the "Seeds" had buried into a continent each, as Quickly as their screws gathered material, no matter what it was, as quickly as the the sacks like filled Lungs pulsated under the weight of their Plunder, as quickly as the Terror and noise had started, it Stopped just as abruptly, the collective mass straining against the Fabric of the Lungs that overshadowed the run down hovel of a former BNB That Joe-Jack lived in and was hiding in.

Stumbling out, confused, Joe-Jack full of fear of what this "Lung" was, prodded it with one of his broad, Unwashed fingers.

With Comedic Timing , this is when It decided to 

"POP!"

WITH A LOUD BANG! THE LUNG POPPED!

And inside, What a Religious person would call a miracle, as whatever was salvaged from the Excavating Process, in the Case of the Graveyard of his front Garden: stone, wood, The Bodies of his Father's victims, all where broken down to the atomic level with Technology beyond our understanding, and reconstituted into a grand Building of Sorts. And this was Done 6 more times on the planet with more Disasterous  Results- Sydney Australia it's entire Population around the harbour area slain. In Africa whole Species, destroyed! And the South Pole, there was no justification for the Ecological damage There!

Soon Camera Spiders and Camera Hound Droids. Materialized from Portals. The Same Magictech that Stitched Camera Parts to Necrosis-ridden Flesh was now planting a Seed, that grew into a Plinth. Soon Sabaru was on the podium, with her G-Men, justifying that scarring the World was Done, as a gift from the Message of Hope, that was Created all those years ago, so there was no way, it was intentional for all the death that Took place today, because, she had just created 7 Galactic Academies, A School that will Train and House the Future and Hope of not just the Human Race, But of all Sentient beings!

They all Bought it! Much to Satanic Ostriches Disapproval.

So this is how the Fall of Society Starts, With Selfies taking with Their Destroyers.

Wot?

Not here! Let me Take you somewhere that not even Saburu can reach. 

Joe-Jack was lead to a back-alley, where Eamonn looked from the Podium and saw the suspicious activity of his now Former Friends. His mind Poisoned by Manipulation and False Memories, He viewed his friends no more than Spiteful Vigilantes. He Grabbed Joe-Jack during an Ambush when the Shard in his Fist manifested a DVD! He lets go of his former ally and looked at the DVD, was there A Higher Power trying to tell him something? Or was this months review some kind of sick joke?

AND NOW! OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!

Wow...This Cover tells me Nothing about this film or its plot!

It's Just Ryan Reynolds With a Paper Coffee cup and a Goldfish Bowl Smiling. Cropped In front of Explosions and Crazy Nonsense behind him, but it's Framed as a Group Shot From other Headshots, with Jodie Comer, Lil Rel Howery, A Guy in a Bunny Suit, and to Make Sure the Normies Know it's a Film about Dem Dar Vidja Games- we have a Nerd and a Influencer Douchebag. Also Reynolds On A Motorbike flying through the Air With Comer Straddling The Bike, Guns Blazing!

WHY IS THIS NOT THE COVER?

But Back to Video Games, And I Usually Pay No Mind to the Back of DVDs and any Blurb, But the Description had to be Made Fun of. You see the Plot of Free Guy is about the Populous of a Video Game becoming self aware. But the words used show that this is a Fox Film Who are Equally Ignorant And Combative To Video Games, Describe Ryan Reynolds' Character as a "Background PLAYER in a Video Game"

A Background PLAYER In A Game Where Real Players Play!

The Term The Forty plus aged Check Chaser who wrote this crap was looking for is NPC. It's not a new term and the Game that their News arm is always using to scapegoat all Games, GTA, is full of them, as is this Film, it's Apparent it's written by both a camp of Games Are Bad, M'Kay? And Parents Trying to be Down Wif Da Yuff!

So with that Said, Welcome to Free City, Home of Free Guy! 

So Guy Explains That the Human players are Known as the Sunglasses People Who on this GTA-esque Game can Basically do what the Fuck they want, breaking laws and Still be thought as cool by the Populous. 

Including Guy (Reynolds), A Bank Teller who is living his best life. He had a Flat, A Goldfish , A Best Friend, (Howery), There is one thing he doesn't have, and that's Someone in his life, Though 200 dollars for some Air Jordans would be nice too!  

As a Bank Teller in A GTA-world, Robberies are like Clockwork for him that even robbed Is a minor inconvenience for him, (though the cops Disarm themselves when it happens) so  instead they talk about a Barista that Guy is interested in.

In a Back Alley, A Masked Man is Accosted By A Mysterious Sunglasses Woman (Comer). The Man is a Hacker who has proof of Secret Levels and Source Codes.  Getting what she wants she shoots the man dead. She walks past NPCS and mimics there Programmed Dialogue and into Guy while she is Singing Mariah Carey's Fantasy and this gets his attention not only because of how she looks. She Mocks what Guy usually says (Which is "Don't have a Good Day, have a Great Day!") But is shocked to hear him react to her Singing. Despite Buddy trying to tell him that she is a Sunglasses Person, he wants to at least try to ask her out. So he follows her to Train tracks where he is ran over.

In the real world, Millie (Also Comer) is a former Programmer who is suing the supposed "Creator" of Free City, before he can launch The Sequel to his game.

Guy wakes the Next day his Programming resetting, But here's the thing, He Remembers Dying, so he is Slowly becoming Self Aware, Even if it's Small Steps like Ordering something Different at the Coffee Shop, and even that gets a Shocking reaction.

The Daily Bank Robber Happens and Guy sees The Girl, so he goes to steal the Sunglasses from the Giant Black Male Robber, (it's Dwayne Johnson who was Uncredited) who in real life are 2 foul-mouthed 10 year old girls, Because VIDEO GAMES ARE BAD M'KAY!

Can you Get off that Fucking Horse for once, FOX?

So because Guy wants to talk to the Girl, He Accidentally kills the Player for their Sunglasses, He Runs out to put them on and ....

Something like that, it instead turns his Vision into a HUD and Minimap Designed by someone with ADHD!

He is now able to see the World as it is And interact with power ups and in game Money, Something that gets the Attention of the nerd from the cover, Keys. He shows his Friend Mouser the Footage from the game. At first Mouser thinks it's a Rouge Player who Somehow "Wrapped"his Avatar with an NPC skin skin ( this is a real Practice done by Modders) But as Admins on the Server it's there job to check it out!

After Buying the Sneakers, Guy goes to where he Died Yesterday and Sees Beyond the Tracks a Literal Backdoor, but before he can Go any further, Keys and Mouser, in their avatars of Stripper Cop and Bunny Suit Cop Calls him over thinking he is A player, Guy is confused about their demands to remove his skin, So he runs into a Burnt down block of flats, Which Mouser, as a developer can warp reality to get to Guy. But the Air Jordans literally have a Double Jump power up inside them Which Guy uses to Escape,  and manifests a bubble suit when he descends. He claims to be invincible as he wriggles out, But gets ran over by Keys and Mouser's Police car.

They Log off, But Keys is Dumbfounded, The Number of players did not change. Mouser Does not want Keys to report to "Anton" who is too busy with the Sequel launch that he'll no doubt fire them for not Launching a perfect Game

PPPFFFFT!!!!!

That's not how you make money in video games in the 20s!

YOU HAVE TO SELL A GLITCHY HALF FINISHED GAMES FOR CHRISTMAS FOR €60 AND THEN SELL SOFTWARE PATCHES FOR A FIVER EACH TIME! 

Mouser asks If Keys wants to go for a drink after  work. But Keys Declines. Mouser Asks Why Keys, A Master Degree Recipient and a Former Studio owner is doing stuck as a Admin for this game, And he says it's a long story.... Which will now be told in flashback!

So Walter McKey and Millie Rusk use to be a team of Game Developers, Who's game Boasted AI that could evolve, But that Game was not going to be like GTA, But a Sandbox game, a Game that's not competitive or Mission based, but you can do the things you can do real life, Camp, build a house, Cook, fish, whatever you can do really. These games do exist and they do have their fans.

During an interview, Millie Foreshadows that she is a Glory-Seeker and That Keys is a Shy Guy who can't spit it out! And that they are not a Couple. And that their game will be published by Tsunami games.

HMMMMMM!

A Gaming Company Ran by Pieces of Shit, who are Named after a Natural Disaster?

I WONDER WHO THAT'S SUPPOSE TO BE?

And the Worst thing? It's probably not even a Real Slam Against Blizzard. Fox Probably Picked the name at random because it Sounded cool!

The Interview is played on Keys' TV despite Him just entering after being at work the whole time, who was watching that?

Turns out, it was Millie, Who is trying to get Keys to testify against Anton. But said had put an NDA on her Contacting his Employees, and For Record, as far as he knows, didn't steal Life2Live, he Bought it after it tanked!

Guy Wakes up the Next Day and changes his Outfit to something more Casual, Sure it's Still a Blue Shirt and Corduroy Slacks, But It's because his not Going to Work, Until he can talk to Millie, Who is trying to break into the Free City 2 Beta-Which Is Conceptualized as A Heavily guarded Mansion, Until Guy shows up and Blows her cover. Millie uses her Coding Know how to Make a Matrix-Style Armoury out of a blank space, But she Thinks Guy is just a Human with no idea how to play. He wants to Help But he doesn't want to Kill to Boost his Level, So Millie Suggests Discarding guns and Saving civilians to boost his level can work too!

We Have A montage of  Guy Doing Just that, Doing good deeds and Disarming Players. While in the Real World, People are Taking Notice Fox and F(r)iends pretend to give a shit, Gamers are Complaining, Content Creators are Make Videos (With Cameos by Ninja and Jacksepticeye!) Even Kids are Cosplaying as Blue shirt Guy-even though the Game is NOT FOR CHILDREN!

Guy Goes to the bank and tries to Convince Buddy that he can change too and steals Glasses from a New Robber, But He Refuses to Join after Lecturing a Prostitute NPC to make better life choices. Guy keeps the new pair just in case.

Millie Calls Keys at, Work and he is Convinced To Help her break into the Beta, But only to confirm if his code was Stolen before Purchase, So he sneaks to the toilet to allow Millie into the Beta, She steals Source code, but It's Booby Trapped, Spawning Bodyguards as part of Anton's Security Protocol until Guy shows up and Takes them out, So Anton Spawns...Cowboys, Ninjas, Samurai and Boxers-DUH COS DEM HAVE VIDJA GAMES TOO, DON'T DEY?

Yeah They Do!

Just Not when that game in context is of a Modern Crime Ridden Los Angeles. Okay maybe the Boxer makes sense!

Face it! You Just wanted  Costume dept. to have something to do!

Keys asks Millie Who are Talking You Too, and Confirms that there is no other Human Players there. Outnumbered, They smash through a Widow on a Bike before Hang-gliding out of there. Keys Gets a Message Informing him that Anton has just arrived at Tsunami-Which is spelled Soonami

BECOZ PUR LITRA-C IZ.....

...COMPLETELY PAR THE COURSE FOR A FILM DEMONIZING COMPUTER GAMES AND IT'S CULTURE!

Anton Finally Makes his presence felt and he's a Man-child who is EEJIT-LON, M SHITE SHITTYFILM, Uwe Boll and Vince Russo wrapped in a Child's Shark Slippers and Boxing Robe combined into a Ultimate Toolbox having a midlife crisis, and like the people I mentioned, he is a pompous Jackass who was lucky to make money, by working for the people who really had the ideas, Before convincing people of his crappy ones!

He's here to Discuss the Blue Shirt Guy Glitch, But he Doesn't want it fixed, He loves the Free Publicity his Game is getting, So he wants the Art department to make a Blue shirt guy Skin for Free City 2. Keys Confronts his Boss that he said Free City 2 was Backwards Compatible with Free City, Confirming that it is a Web Browser game Online, Not a game on Console. For those Clueless as the Writers of this film, Games online, never have to worry about being sequels, because Updates are made at intervals without having to close the game down completely to sell a new game.

Anton However is Going to shut Down the Whole Server, Wipe the slate Clean, expect every player to make new accounts to start from scratch in a new Game. WHY?

Because Keys Has this Problem with Speaking his mind, he turns down A promotion from Anton and then the Asshole says this!-

"OH THANK GOD! I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE PAYING YOU MORE,ANYWAY!"

ARE YOU SURE THIS FILM IS NOT REALLY ABOUT BLIZZARD?

Back in Free City, Millie Sees Guy who has leveled up his Apartment into a Batcave, But Millie is Convinced Guy is a Hacker

She drops it When Guy asks her if she wants to get some ice-cream. So They Go to the waterfront the safest part of this Open World Game.

And if you didn't find the Paradox in that last sentence, You are as Clueless on Modern Games as FUX NEWS ARE!

The Ice-cream man sells Bubblegum ice-cream, A Reminder that it's her Favourite Flavour. It seems that there are little in-jokes between Millie and Keys encoded in Free City. And it seems Millie is Falling for Guy.

Meanwhile Back at Soonami, Keys is going through the Game's Assets, Namely it's Base Coding on it looks and Acts. He sees some changes in the NPC's who interacted with Guy, But he opens Guys File and his programming rivals that of A full game itself and it's getting smarter. Millie kisses Guy after being candid about her Childhood. As she gets a knock on the door.

It's Keys and he is now convinced Anton Bombed Life2Live to steal their coding. Guy is starting to change the people around him, The Barista had started serving Cappuccino (OFF SCREEN) And The Prosecute is writing Anti-Patriarchal  journal entries (OFF SCREEN) Millie confesses to kissing Guy, But Keys pretends to care, because they are "Just Friends" 

The Next-day, Millie shows Guy what lies Beyond the Backdoor. Millie Doesn't spare Guys feelings, His World is a Game and in two days time, Free City will cease to Exist!  Naturally being told you are Living in The Matrix , Your life is a lie, And you Feelings are not real and you too would go mad from the Revelation!

After trying in vain to get NPCS to change, He Goes to Buddy's and asks him what he would do what he was told what he was told.

Buddy takes it well, and says he wouldn't care, His Human Form isn't real, But his Humanity is. Doing what's right and feeling how you feel is The Realest thing in the World. And  it's all that matters.

Breaking into Beta, they meet a Security guard who is Channing Tatum, who is really a Nerd running a Stream.

Film, you have Real Streamers in your film. YOU PAID REAL STREAMERS TO BE IN YOUR FILM, SO YOU KNOW STREAMERS DON'T LOOK LIKE BASEMENT DWELLERS ANYMORE!

Excited that a Legend has Appeared on his Stream. Tatum let's Guy take the data he was Guarding. It's already patched and Encrypted so take it. There is one Favour though, He wants to be Killed by Blue Shirt Guy for Clout! 

When he Refuses, That's when FOX decides to just pile more Firewood on their Anti Video game Bonfire!

Channing's User is Using a Game's Chatroom To Groom Children!

.....

Talking to Millie's Logged off Avatar, until she returns and He has changed his mind. He wants to save his world. When she logs in, he gives Millie the Data!

The Amount of Press That Guy is Getting in the Real World is making people consider playing the Game without killing-Something that Pisses off Anton-If people are still playing Free City 1-they won't Pay for Free City 2. So Anton Orders to Wipe the Server. It Freezes Everyone in place except guy. Just before he was going to tell Millie where he Saw Live2life on City after she shows him Data. Everyone is deleted and rebooted to their Original Programming. Millie Returns to Convince Guy but For a Programmer she forgets that Guy needs Sunglasses to be Convinced.

But There is Hope, Keys phones Millie to tell her, That Guy's AI is so advanced now his Programming Now acts like Amnesia to the Wiping-The Memories are still there, So she kidnaps Guy give him spare Sunglasses and Kisses him working like a Reserve Superman Kiss!

So Guy Shows Millie where he has seen Life2live, he Angles his Metallic Blinders in his Apartment, to catch the light turning Free City Outside into a Tropical Island. Millie Realises that Anton was too Stupid and too lazy to make a game from her data, he just coded new data over it! But because of his Shoddy Coding Noone can pass the limits of Free city. So Guy has a plan, he recruits every NPC By telling them the Truth with Millie, their plan? Go on Strike! As the next day happens The players see no NPC as they can't rob anything! Mouser "Rats Out " (RIMSHOT!) Keys and Millie Because of something Guy said to Tatum-The True Identity of Molotov Girl-aka Millie Rusk- oh yeah, apparently her Avatar had a name the whole time.

Anton wants Millie's Avatar Dead, But Mouser Says her Spoofed Account is Iron-clad. So Anton wants to Turn off Respawning in Game. Mouser Tells Anton that if his customers are killed, Then it's over for that Account. But here's when Anton Does Act like Vince Russo-Literally Saying "WHO CARES, BRO?"

All of Mouser's Team Start Collapsing Reality, But Keys is on the inside, playing Spoiler. So Anton tells the Art Department to upload "THE DUDE", Despite being Half finished with 50% intelligence. While Anton Confesses that Key's "Stupid Game where Noone kills!" Wouldn't have made Money, With Proof Keys mashes one button to create a single bridge, But Anton has ordered every player account to be wiped from the Server just to destroy Millie. As Keys is thrown out, he Streams his Dismissal in Secret  including Anton's Mental Breakdown, By Unveiling The Dude, A Buff Amalgamation of Guy and Anton. Buddy Comes to the Rescue But gets knocked down like Guy's Sunglasses, He Crawls to Get them and he fights back with the Power of REFERENCES!

Not Game references, I Doubt Fox Would Even Get those!

So Guy defeats the Dude With Captain America's Shield ( With Chris Evans doing a Cameo), Hulk's fist a Lightsaber and they do have 2 gaming weapons, namely the Gravity Gun from Half-Life, and the Portal Gun from the Eponymous Game. They Tussle, Until Guy puts his Spare Sunglasses on the Dude, who is instantly distracted by all the pretty colours.

But Anton has a second plan-Destroy the Servers with his Axe. Causing parts of free City to be Deleted one at a time, even NPCS scream in pain and terror as they are erased, Bubby Sacrifices himself  by pushing Guy forward to tank a Deletion for his friend, to make sure Guy Crosses the Bridge As the World watches Free City being Destroyed.

So it all seems lost, But Guy has landed on a Tropical Island, So Millie makes a Deal with Anton, she will drop the Lawsuit if he hands over the Intellectual Rights of Live2Life back to her and Keys.

So let's Finish this!

Time Skip And Anton Without Power over people more capable than him, and Soonami Declares Bankruptcy when Free City 2 Flops. Life2live and Free City 1 have Combined into one World as Free Life-Powered by a kickstarter Company ran by Keys, Millie and Mouser. Millie longs on say Goodbye to Guy and when Guy tells her He loves Her, He Let's it be Known Key's Programmed Guy to Say that to finally Get It Out! On Free Life, Buddy is Revived, But Is kinda Sad when the Bank they work at no longer exists-So what do they do now? Guy puts a Jetpack on himself, gets Buddy to Hug him and tells him "Whatever They Want!"

THIS FILM SUCKS!

Despite the Great Last 10 minutes the First 100 Minutes are filled With Flat Stereotypes, Weak Jokes, and some of the Worst 3D Animation I've ever seen. It's thankfully Sparsely Used, But Even then it makes those Fake Mafia City Ads on Youtube look like Pixar in Comparison.

But there is One point That i Could not Ignore.

If this was a Film That was Produced by anyone else, This would be a Dumb Film About Video games Written by 40+plus People who never played Video games, But this is a film Created By Fox.

We are living in a More Dangerous Time than Any time War has Being Officially Declared. Sad to say it seems America has a Mass Shooting every month. Which Brings me to Why a Fox Film trying to be HAHA Funny about Video games Doesn't work.

If you are Reading this years later, you already Know who "THIS LITTLE BOY" Is. I will not be naming him directly, as to not humanize this Monster! But this School Shooter, BEGGED his Helicopter parents, the Type who give Money instead of Attention, to get him a gun for A GIFT. The same Gun he used to kill other Children in Oxford Massachusetts. His Journal was Found and Released showing Intricate Maps and Planning to Perform his Act. He made comments on How he had lost all hope on Humanity. On he will keep killing until the police would arrive. 

Every other News Outlet blamed his Parents, and Rightfully So, But FOX's Facebook ?

"Oh yeah-Dead Children-BUT WHAT VIDEO GAMES DID HE PLAY?"

So in conclusion-Free Guy-A stupid Film-made BY STUPID PEOPLE WITH A WITCHHUNTER ATTITUDE TO THE TOPIC OF THE FILM'S PREMISE!

CREDITS

Free Guy was Reviewed Compiled and Edited By Eamonn Bermingham. @RealEnli.mastodon.world and @REALENLI on Twitter.

With Media from

Free Guy

30 Rock

They Live

The Tom and Jerry Movie

One Punch Man

Free Guy is The Property Of 20th Century Fox. All Rights Reserved. All Images used belong to their  Respective Owners. 

NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!

Next time, we Do a Film that's actually Great....Which Historically Don't do so well on this Blog than any reviews that make me Angry.....It's time for a St Patrick's Day Special, With my review of Belfast!

EAMONN REVIEWS BULLET TRAIN

 Unpopular opinion time!

Brad Pitt is An Overrated Actor!

I'm Sorry, But all the Brat Pack-Pretty Boy Films he Did was a Dissolving Bedrock to anchor a Career on, So When the man hit his Forties, and the looks started to fade, all was left was a flat Voiced Man who was still kind of Big enough to do Action Scenes.

Oh, and Every Irish Person who watched Snatch was Rolling in the Aisles laughing the moment he asked "You Like Dags?"

From the Twisted Mind of Deadpool 2 Director, David Leitch,  comes a Neon Coloured Japanophillic Jet-Ride that makes the Ticket To Hell look like a Kiddie Ride!

To the Cover and Star Power Demands that your head MUST! be the biggest component in a Group Shot, He looks like he has being Beaten up, But what emotion does Brad Go with?

We also have a guy who looks like Bad Bunny armed with a knife, a guy with  brass Knuckles, a Guy with Corn rows that look like a messy welcome mat and dressed like a Petrol Station Attendant, An Old Samurai, Some kind of Bargain Basement Nicki Minaj, and English teenage Dora the explorer. At the Bottom is the Eponymous Bullet Train careening at speeds that Creates Sparks and Flames. In a Cool detail, it had being traveling on a streak of Neon Luminescence that surrounds the Characters,- or it would have been clearer if not for Brad's Fat Head!

The Credits Roll with Japanese Translation under the English to drive home the fact this is based in Japan. We Start, once the eyes Adjust to the Lenses flare, in a Hospital, where a Father called "The Father" watches over his comatose son on a Respirator. He's distracted by a TV playing a Cartoon of a cat, only to change the channel to a news report about a poisonous snake stolen from Tokyo Zoo.

Plot Point!

He picks up a paper flower off the floor when the samurai from the box art comes on, his sword Concealed in a walking stick.

The Samurai, the boy's Grandfather, asks his son where was he when Wateru was Pushed off the roof of their building,  but he adds Wateru is alive because he is "Lucky" and his luck offsets the "Misfortune" of having such a shitty Father, who was trying to kill himself during the accident.

Now to get it out of the way, The Prevailing theme of this film is "Luck, Karma, Misfortune and Redemption" words that spin the opening Credits like the reels of a slot machine before the title drop.

We drop into a rained out Tokyo Backstreet following an  Assassin (Brad Pitt) on his Phone to his Boss (The Voice of Sandra Bullock!) Cutting his Sabbatical short to take a Contract on short notice, Being back in the game, he is given a new alias "Ladybug", which he laughs off as an Ironic Joke about bring a symbol of good luck.

Until he is Nearly ran over by a car.... but then reveals he stepped back into Dog Shit!

Sorry, DAG-Shit!

Again couldn't resist!

Ladybug's Bad luck in Contracts Beggers Belief, he is responsible for more Collateral Deaths than the deaths of His surviving targets, So much so it has turned him into a neurotic mess who quotes Psychobabble in times of stress. As he makes his way to the station, he is bumped into By Father, drops his locker key and his ticket. But he can pick locks, like every hitman worth his Piano Wire! His Boss does question his choice of Gear, Firecrackers and a Sleeping Powder so Strong it caused a Bodyguard to die of a heart attack, in another bout of bad luck. The Boss tells him to at least use the gun she provided, for a change, which he refuses.

Oh, so he's not Superstitious, HE'S AN IDIOT!

WELL, SAME DIFFERENCE!

On the same Carriage are 2 more Killers, Both British known as the Fruit Twins, named Tangerine and Lemon, I Don't Know who is which, but one is the guy with The brass Knuckles and the other is the black guy with the Crappy Cornrows! The white guy steals sweets from under a Stewardess' nose, much to his companion's annoyance. Ladybug realizes his ticket is gone, So must be Off the train by the next stop, luckily for him the Mission is nothing but a simple retrieval of a briefcase, so it should be one and done.

Meanwhile on the Economy Cabin, Father who has a note from the person who pushed his son off the Building finds the seat guided to occupied by the Teenage Dora Cosplayer. Thinking he made a Mistake, he turns away, only to be tased by her.

Ladybug steals the Briefcase, as on the opposite seat to Lemon and Tangerine, a Tattooed Amnesiac wakes up. Turns out Lemon (The Black Guy) and Tangerine has Rescued this guy....and then Lemon goes on a tangent about Thomas the tank engine and how it thought him how to read people.

I mean,  that's ridiculous!

Who's ever seen a Grown Man talk about Cartoons?

Why do I feel a Sense Of Shame?

So they are not exactly good Samaritans per say as "Percy", as Lemon Christians him, was Kidnapped by a Yazuka Gang and the Fruits fought their way out, killing 17 people to do so. All they need to do is return him to his father, who is the Gangster known as "The White death" who wants not only the return of his son, but the ransom money to save face or the Fruits are dead!

The Money  is the Briefcase Ladybug just stole!

Pleased as Punch with Himself, Ladybug thinks he's back in the Game....until he is attacked by the Bad Bunny Lookalike with a Carving Knife.

Meanwhile Father Comes to as A Caption Reveals English Dora to Maleeka Prince (Joey King), or simply, The Prince, Who reveals why she Pushed his son off the roof of his building, or rather phone a Cohort at the Hospital with orders to kill the Boy if she doesn't call every 10 minutes.

Back with the Fruit Twins, Tangerine explains Further information to Lemon who the White death is: A Russian Former KGB who rose through the ranks of the Yakuza by betraying his firm and causing a Violent Coup. Lemon asks if the White Death is so dangerous, why won't he get his own son back, to which Tangerine replies that he was never the same when his wife died in a freak car accident (Watch it be Ladybug's fault!)

Prince's Deal is that she is Anti-Patriarchcal Flavoured in this Multipack of Psychopaths, here to Bait father in killing his boss....his own father, the White Death! 

Meanwhile Tangerine and Lemon Return to there seats and see "Percy" Dead! The Target Stabbed Multiple times.

Cut to a Flashback of Mexico 26 years ago. This the Story of the guy with the Knife-The Wolf, having to bury his Mother at a young age, the orphan grew into an Unhinged Underworld Enforcer in the Barrios....Until Love came his way and he married his sweetheart, until a certain assassin posing as a waiter at his wedding, bumped into him, killing everyone with poisoned wine, including the Bride via a poison that causes them to die Vomiting Blood!

What is it about Protagonists called Ladybug Being Selfish Self Serving Jerks who ruin Lives to try to get what they want?

And Now the Wolf stands face to face with Ladybug, who like his French Namesake pleads ignorance to the Monster he helped create, leading to a knife been reflected back into his heart by the Briefcase.

THANKS FOR COMING, TOKEN LATINO GUY!

On two sides of the train, All 3 killers have the same idea, Create Weekend at Bernie's with both Bodies! Ladybug is about to leave, but recognises Lemon from a previous Job. He runs through a Daycare Cabin when he bumps into a cat mascot from the cartoon in the first scene, "Momonga", who grabs the briefcase-Either as Hijinks as a Costumed Performer.... or is it something more sinister later? But Ladybug doesn't have time for cat, so he just Decks it!

Stealing the Wolf's Phone after his got Shanked he tells his boss when he Realizes who he killed. The thing is he didn't get the chance to kill at the wedding, who ever poisoned the wine did! Meanwhile the White Death calls Tangerine who then asks Prince if she saw a Briefcase, which she sets up Ladybug. Truth be told she has the Briefcase Now-Because she is "Lucky". Being a while since we  beaten that over your heads, hasn't it?

In the Quiet Car, Ladybug wants to peacefully Resolve this with Lemon: He Returns the case and he doesn't have to die, But Lemon, (Speaking about Percy) says Ladybug has already killed, (Thinking Lemon is Talking about The Wolf, he admits to a killing, just not the killing he Did!) This leads to a Comedy fight by making as little noise not to upset a Karen, which ends with lemon knocked  out, and ladybug spiking his water bottle with the OP sleeping powder that will No Doubt lead to a Explosive Heart Attack in the near future.

So before being Stabbed, Ladybug exposited that Percy was Poisoned and that's when he finds in a cage, the Stolen Boomslang Snake from Tokyo Zoo.

Ladybug Barricades  The Entry way between the Economy and Quiet Carriages to trap Both the Snake and the Fruit Twins. Now to deal with the Other Problem, the Jobsworth Conductor who wants him off his train! So he pays an American, (Cameo by Channing Tatum) to switch his clothes, Something Tangerine finds out when he shoots the Barricade over, Releasing the Poisonous snake onto a train full of innocent people.

Meanwhile, Father gets the Upper hand on Prince, who reminds him that her Goon will kill his son if she doesn't call him every 10 minutes.  She gets him to ring his own father, The White Death and explain his predicament that he is in. We learn Father's name is Yuichi. Prince hangs up the phone, he needs his help to unlock the Briefcase, And she has All Night to go through every combination. She tosses his phone in case the White Death tries to Trace it. 

Meanwhile Tangerine wakes Lemon up and they Access the Situation. The Briefcase?-Gone! Percy? Dead! On the Next Stop? A Dozen of Japan's most Deadly Hoods waiting to tie up the Loose ends of their failure. The only Plan is as they Put it "The Ole Punch and Judy" 

Oh God No! They aren't really?

OH MY GOD! I WAS JOKING ABOUT WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S! I DIDN'T THINK THEY'D DO IT!

...

So yeah..... Tangerine does all the talking, while on the Train, Lemon is Operating Percy's Corpse as a puppet!

Some how, it works. Lemon sees the Snake but does nothing. Which makes sense! He's not paid to get rid of a snake, and Draw Attention to himself, something a Killer doesn't need!

Back with Yuichi he is struggling to crack the case. The little Pink Psycho, spits on Percy's Corpse as the snake  Slithers Aimlessly through the Quiet Carriage.

And where is Ladybug?

Hiding in the Toilet, Hoping everyone else kills each other, and it all blows over.

I'd say "Our Hero Everybody!" Except of all the characters the only one not remotely evil is the snake and that's because animals are only True Chaotic Neutrals in the world!

Yuichi opens the case, but Prince is not interested in the money, instead she plants plastic explosives set to go off when opened, the same explosives she planted on his gun, set to blow if he ever fires from it! Prince's plan is to use the White Death's Modus operandi for dealing with traitors against Him: he kills them with their own weapon, killing him in the process!

Back in the toilet, Boss tells Ladybug there is another Assassin, one who uses Boomslang Venom in their hits, They call him the Hornet. The Wolf was probably here to find him, but under the false Pretences that Ladybug was him, But if ladybug can catch the Hornet, if would get the Fruit Twins off his back. Sadly, Tangerine finds Ladybug and rips him away from his Hidey-Hole!

They have a fight that is interrupted by a Stewardess, Ladybug get one over by making Tangerine Pay for a glass Bottle of water, that's gets Lobbed at the Yob, they smash through an Emergency Door, that becomes scrap by a second Speeding train. It's revealed that Yuichi is the middleman for The Twins and as such, wants to get rid off the briefcase without mentioning off course that it's rigged with Explosives! Tangerine Reluctantly teams with ladybug solely due to the fact the Whole Japanese Underworld have never seen  both of the Twins, but know they are are Both British.

So one more Terrible Accent by Brad and a bluff gone wrong and the White Death is on there asses!

Back with Yuichi and Prince, She Taunts The Man who was Going to kill himself the night she lured, Quite Easily,  Wateru to the roof of their building, and calls him a terrible Father. But in comes lemon to find the Briefcase as he drinks the water Spiked with the Overpowered Sleeping Powder, Prince tries to Fob of that she hadn't seen his Briefcase, Only for Lemon to play his Perry Mason Gambit, and claim he never said it was a Briefcase, so Since Lemon claims watching Thomas the tank engine, had made him a good Judge of character, he sees through the sweet Schoolgirl facade as he says he's found his "Diesel"

Tangerine refuses to let Ladybug off the train, because he needs a Fall Guy to deliver to the White Death so he doesn't die! So agreeing to Disagree, Ladybug Literally kicks Tangerine off the train.

Meanwhile Lemon had Stuck-up both Yuichi and Prince, and While prince plays the part of Kidnapped Tourist, Lemon Doesn't buy it, But at the same time, think both are in cahoots! So he tells them both to close their eyes to the count of 3, all the While drinking more spiked water, But Yuichi is too much of a coward that he lets Prince pint at him and have Lemon Shoot him to death!, The last thing he sees is the Boomslang.

Well Good Job, Asshole!

You're Dead, and with no reason to keep him alive, so is your Son! At the same time, Tangerine struggles to climb back in the train, smashing windows to inside. Inside, Lemon and Prince Drag a Bleeding Profusely Yuichi into the Toilet, Lemon looks inside Prince's Purse as she finds a wife to tie the handle of the toilet closed, Lemon sees Yuichi's Gun and asks why didn't she use on her kidnapper, and that's when the Sleeping Powder kicks in as ominous music Drowns every other sounds from out of nowhere, Just as Tangerine climbs in too late, The Prince stands over a collapsed lemon and Relishes in a Second Lucky Kill!

Ladybug staggers out as Yuichi's phone that was Abandoned rings as he answers it. Not realising it's the White Death on the other end to use the phone finder app Tangerine used on him.

In the Kitchen Area, the Stewardess finds a Momonga mascot walking around where the emergency door use to be, before she can even ask what's going on, the Mascot kills her and Reveals herself to be the Hornet, an African American Woman who used the Giant costume to hold the snake in her arm tube to kill "Percy" with a high five! But now she has a better disguise, and hopes noone puts two and two together that this  train with one Stewardess now has one of a different skin tone, no matter how convincing the disguise. Rifling through the Wolf's body, Ladybug finds a photo of The Hornet, who he recognises as the Wedding's Pastry chef, it was the Cake that was Poisoned, a Cake the wolf never ate as he was to beat up Ladybug for spilling wine on him. He Holds up the photo (turns out the Glasses were not A disguise) and puts it down to see her there.

She attacks him, all the while shouting One Dimensional Ebonics (she addresses him as a "Youse A Bitch-Ass Bitch!" And ends every sentence with "Bitch") She Reveals the White Death Sent her to Retrieve his money and kill his disappointment of a son, even Ladybug Says that's messed up! She Grabs a Syringe and Stabs him, but it's Anti-Venom, and he doesn't flinch. She Grabs a second, Ladybug counters the blow and injects her with the Venom, as she dies, Hoisted by her own petard!

THANKS FOR COMING, ZAZIE BEATS! WE NOW HAVE A 3RD ACTOR TO CALL WHEN TIFFANY HADDISH CAN'T COME TO BE A FLAT AFRICAN WOMEN STEROEOTYPE!

"UGH....MOMMA...DON'T LIKE...THAT!....BITCH! (THUD!)

Tangerine finds The Wired Toilet, and inside the bodies of Yuichi and Lemon, and though not Twins, they are indeed brothers, showing a flashback as children. Tangerine takes off his necklace, and puts it on his Brothers body.

Boss calls Ladybug who is having a Nervous Breakdown. Tangerine gets a call from the White Death, who tells the British Killer he is done for. Tangerine has a few choice words for him, that only stirs the Russian out of Mourning and Retirement. He will be Kyoto Himself so he can look into the eyes of the Failure and kill him Personally!

Tangerine taunts his now former employer about how someone as infamous as him will not kill in public kill on a Packed Train. But he Counters that someone as Infamous as him can and has bought every ticket on the Train when the last Civilian left. There is noone left on this train, but the White Death's Next Victims. Tangerine runs into The Prince, who turns on the Waterworks, now Lemon refused because he was a judge of character, but Tangerine refuses to help, because he just doesn't give a fuck... until Prince passes him and Tangerine sees the same Thomas the Tank engine lemon put on Percy, on Prince's Sweater, so he know something is up, especially when the sticker is that of A Diesel. He's about to do Prince in, but here is Ladybug to fuck it all up, and falls for it, wrestling a pistol from him,  killing Tangerine with his own gun. He has two words left to say, to Ladybug,  "Bellend" and about Prince "Diesel", But being an American, has no idea what that means. And had no idea the state he is now finds himself in surrounded by 3 Hidden killers, A Wolf in a Wolly Sweater, a Literal Stalking Snake, and an Avenger Awaiting in Kyoto.

Ladybug wants to get of Dodge, But Prince plays the Damsel in Distress and pretends her bag is caught in the door. Stuck back in the train and her trap, both don't notice an old man with a hat and Cane hobbling to his seat, Oblivious to the Danger he is now in, But enough to feel unease, reaches for his gun, but is instead bitten by the Snake, but survives because of the Anti Venom he was Stabbed With. He flushes the Snakes down the Porcelain Throne.

The White Death Reveal himself to the Prince, Who Taunts that Both his Son and Grandson are dead. He smiles and says he wouldn't be here if this Grandson wasn't safe, turns out one of the nurses is a Yazuka Assassin the whole time, So the White Death had out Smarted her Outsmarting, Her Confidence shaken she Runs off when he claims Yuichi is still alive, do she departs to finish the job.

The White Death sees Ladybug for what he is, A Bumbling fool who is way over his head, he had no Quarrel with The American, after all-This man IS NOT THE WHITE DEATH!

No, he is The Elder, The True Heir of the Yazuka, who tells the story of the White Death's Rise to power as it truly happened, His Boss promoted the Outsider Over him as the Boss saw him as getting soft as he had a family, as the night of the Coup happened around him, only he and Yuichi Survived. He also says that in Japan, Ladybugs are Not Lucky, instead that they Hold all the Misery in the world so everyone else won't Feel despair, on the next stop, The White Death will arrive. Take your Briefcase, and go!

However, opening the Toilet, A Miracle. Despite his wounds, Yuichi is alive! Why? Luck! And so is Lemon, who was wearing a Bullet Proof vest and didn't have a heart attack, when Prince shot him. But seeing his Brother's necklace on him, I have a feeling Tangerine is not sleeping off being Shot!

Yuichi is giving Rudimentary Bandages and Ladybug uses all the Spiel from his Therapy to calm Everyone except he killed Tangerine, and Lemon tried to kill Yuichi, his Handler. But the Elder has a plan, a Terrible plan, but better than Ladybug's plan of begging for mercy: and that's fight there way out! The White death will bring an army, but he doesn't know the Elder and Yuichi are on the train. They will fight off the army as much as they can, lemon will decouple the Cockpit from the other Carriages, while Ladybug will do his original plan, Beg for his life, to buy them all time.

The White Death, an Aged Silver haired Sharp dressed Man Enters First and Sees the Prince. And Says to her

"Daughter?"

OH COME ON! OFF ALL THE CLICHES THEY COULD HAVE DONE TO THE BEST CHARACTER IN THIS FILM, AND THEY BOIL HER DOWN INTO "I KILLED MY BROTHER, SO DADDY CAN SPEND TIME WITH ME!"

FUCK YOU!

THAT'S HOW YOU UNDERMINE A CHARACTER ARC!

You know what?

FUCK YOU, I'M MAD! LET'S JUST END THIS!

Prince Nearly has her father shoot her with the explosive rigged Gun, But The White Death is so much off a Sexist he flatly tells her he doesn't Listen to Women, His Men Beat up Ladybug for the case. He Gets the White Death to Confess to Putting all the killers in one train to destroy each other, All who had slighted him on The day Of, Or Played a Part in, the murder of his Wife, Now It's true that Ladybug Crashed into the car of the White death's Wife, Bringing the bodyguard he caused a heart attack to the emergency room, But The Twins are here because they killed his posse in Bolivia, that day. The Hornet, for killing the surgeon who could have saved her life, and "Percy", For his constant Screw-ups that put her in the car to pick him up in the first Place...But there is one Mistake the White Death has Made....One from the Very Beginning. Ladybug is filling in for other operative, he was on Holiday before the Mission...Meaning HE DID NOT KILL THE WHITE DEATH'S WIFE ON PURPOSE! It was Carver (a five second cameo of Ryan Reynolds!). 2 goons open the Booby-trapped Briefcase, it blows up trapping Ladybug and The White Death on the train via the explosion's blowback, Yuichi and The Elder have a Last Stand as Lemon figures out how to drive a train, despite not Speaking Japanese, All the while I Need a Hero, Sung in Japanese plays out. Lemon buys Ladybug time to hotwire a damaged console, as Ladybug beats people up with an Instruction Manual, that Blows Out of the Window Because "LUCK" BULLSHIT!

Lemon Sacrifices himself Running tackling a goon off the train as a second train runs into its path, Destroying most of it.

The White Death is About to Blow the Elder's Brains out when Something Rolls into Yuichi's Grasp-The Water Bottle-Which Gets it's Own Backstory-Which in the last 15 minutes of this film we don't need right now-Yuichi throws it right at the Russian's Bonce, which Staggers Him Enough for the Elder to slice through with his katana! As the train crashes into a residential Area. Ladybug starts free-falling until A Mascot suit floats into view and cushions his fall. But the White Death is still Alive, though Punctured with pipes and swords walks in a daze before he is shot to death by The Prince, who before she can call herself the New White Death, gets Unceremoniously killed by a Tangerine van, because of  Karma, fate or maybe...

This leads to Boss, aka "Maria" driving in her sportscar to collect Ladybug, who tells her he Learned Something Today, that People put too much stock in Luck, that people should just let things happen, and as Such, a telephone Pole falls on the sportscar, with Ladybug saying, if they had got into the car they would be dead! and So the story ends with Maria and Ladybug walking into the Sunrise, as a stinger scene shows us Lemon survived by crashing into a river, sticking up the Tangerine Truck and running over Prince.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF THIS FILM!

As I said Previously, I think Brad Pitt can't act, So this film Did Not Change by Mind, But he can take A punch! The White Death was Played by Russia's Answer to Tommy Wiseau ("CARVE-HER? U R NOT CARVE-HER?"), Joey King gave the Performance of her young career, it's just a shame it was grinded down to a predictable cliche and Killed off weakly to Pound the Narrative into Submission. Speaking of, the Prevailing thread of it being about Luck, meant any twists come off as Ass-Pulls!

However the Cinematography is Bright to Contrast the grim reality, though Lenses Flare and Shaky handcam does make some scenes hard to comprehend, to my next point, I'm glad I saw this on a DVD, because if you miss the first 5 minutes you can't follow the plot!

in Short, an Enjoyable, If Baffling Film!

CREDITS

Bullet train was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli.@Mastodon.world) and (@RealEnli) on Twitter.

with Media From:

The Simpsons

Bullet Train

MST3K

Robot Chicken

DRAGONBALL Z Abridged

Bullet Train was Produced by Columbia And Distributed By Sony.

All Rights Reserved. All Media used Belong to their Respective Owners!

NEXT TIME ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE.

RYAN REYNOLDS IS LIVING IN THE MATRIX, AS WE REVIEW FREE GUY!

Christmas special 2022-Ugly Dolls

 It's now the end of the Year, so that means it's time for a toy tie-in!....and Strap in because this is gonna be one hell of a sleigh ride!

The Ugly Doll was Co-Created by two illustrators who were in Correspondence with each other, an American called David Horvath and a Korean woman, now his wife named Sun-Min Kim, who had returned to South Korea while her Visa was being Reissued and taking longer than expected. One day, David Drew A character called Wage to remind his fiancé to work hard for one's dream.

Months later, Sun-Min would Gift David a Homemade Plushie of the Character and the others would follow. And with Sun-Min's return to America, the two would marry and Start building a greetings cards empire!

So let's see how much Saccharin we can digest, This is the last review of 2022-This is Ugly Dolls

Oh God, This Hurts my Eyes! 

The Bright Yellow background and the Clustered Multicoloured Clumps that are the Teletubbies' Tampons known as the Ugly Dolls massed Together is Garish looking. Though stationary, they don't look obnoxious, (Except for Lucky Bat Raising its leg like a Pissing Dog!) Like Clifford last month, it's different when they are in motion and speaking!

Also in the Back, Lou (Nick Jonas) looks like the kind of Doll that would build A Wall around Uglyville and make the Ugly Dolls pay for it! 

The Film starts in a toy factory, where Automated Work Turns Felt and Fluff into Toys. But Sometimes, the Machines get it wrong and tosses the mistakes into a Furnace, but we Follow some toys thrown down the chute, and we see a pipe covered in Ice lolly sticks, who would do such a thing?

The Citizens of Uglyville, that's who!

The Sun rises (Somehow, in a Underground Bunker in a Factory!) Waking up Ugly Dog (Pitbull, who will no doubt Curse in Spanish, call Women Whores, then Call Women Whores....In Spanish!) And that wakes up Moxy (Kelly Clarkson) who sings about how every child and every doll are made for each other, as she Draws being played by a child, in A bit of Foreshadowing we don't see the Child's face!

Of all the Ugly Dolls, Moxy wants to be Sold to a child. She had Convinced herself that she will be chosen today, and Yesterday, and the day before that! And the day before that...and so on!

There's Perseverance, and there is being too Dumb to Quit!

Actually, maybe it's better for her not to leave, as her Can-Do Attitude and Positive Personality makes living in Uglyville that much better! A fact that Mayor Oxley (Blake Shelton) points out....in Song!

Then Wage Turns up....and she's Voiced by Wanda Sykes!

.......

THIS FILM SUCKS!

CREDITS

Ugly Dolls was Reviewed, Compi.....

Okay! Okay! I did that because you know what this film is really like, and Sorry to any Wanda Sykes fans out there, but of all the Film's I've reviewed with her in them, they were Terrible, with her being the worst part in them, Sorry, but if you see one scene of her wagging her finger going "Mmmhmm!", You've seen them all!

Oh, and Gabriel Iglesias is here too!

Out the Chute, what was supposed to be a Duckie, is now reborn as Wedgehead, as Ugly Dog starts Rapping.

At the end of the Day and song, (no, seriously are the songs that long or the are days that short? Put it down to an artificial sun in a Bunker but still!)

 Oxley says that things really can't get better than making this Community of Outcasts, But Moxy Still Believe that the Big World and Children are real. But Oxley just Doesn't want to see Moxy's heart broken.

The next day, Moxy is having tea with Distant Admirer Lucky Bat, (Wang Lee Hom) who wants her to stay more than anything, being the lucky one, Moxy wants her Fortune read via Tea Leaves, But she Interprets them as literally "LEAVE" so she drags Lucky, Ugly Dog, Babu (Iglesias) and Wage to the mountain the chute is held, if Dolls fall to Uglyville, then maybe they lead to The Big World! 

So Babu is a Handyman who seemingly has Hammerspace Pockets but is also Stupid as he pulls out items that could easily travel to a tall place Easily but instead opts to putting a Lasso on Ugly Dog and throwing up him into the chute, using him as an anchor as the others climb up.

After Sykes Earns her Paycheck by wagging her finger and tells us "Momma Don't Like That!", All 5 Skittles with arms and legs join Moxy on her Voyage up the Garbage Chute!

Soon they Fall into a Combining Chute filled with Templates for Humanoid dolls. A Robotic Voice welcomes the Templates and Ugly Dolls to the Institute of Perfection. Once Properly Sewn, the Dolls will be prepared via a Finishing School to prepare them to be Gift Ready for Children, with Moxy Wide-eyed At it all.

We know what way the bread is buttered when Individualisation Pods give Gender and Roles to the Rag Dolls which are all "High Paying Job/Model" Moxy breaks a Pod as the Ugly Dolls try to Mingle with the Ragdolls to predictably bad Results.

4 mean Girl Dolls-Including the one from the cover so *SPOILERS BUT NOT REALLY* Exclaim that Lou won't be happy that some Riff Raff has arrived at Perfection Township!

So Lou introduces himself via Song who comes off as a Mixture of Televangelist and Elitist Prick! He has the other Ragdolls eating out of his Crocheted hand, If he told them to drink Bleach to cure COVID, They'll Start Slurping it in Bucketfuls!

He insults everyone's looks in song (Which is Rich, given the whole premise is teaching Dolls to Make them acceptable to leave) until he has a field day Insulting the Ugly Dolls.

Dejected, the others turn to leave, but Moxy Ain't going Nowhere, she is going to Train to be a perfect doll, which the others Capitulate to. Lou tells us the Final Exam is a Gauntlet- An Automated Human House of Some Sort! So he as Leader of Perfection Township invites the Ugly Dolls to compete for his own Shit and giggles! He Orders Mandy (Janelle Monae), the ragdoll from the Boxart to show his "Guests" to the "Supply Suite", as he orders the other Underlings to find out more about this.... Uglyville!

*SPOILERS BUT NOT REALLY!* Mandy is Short Sighted and needs glasses to see. The Supply Suite is Exactly that, A Janitorial Supply Shed....

Is Everyone Else Uncomfortable about the Ramifications of a world with only 2 Black Dolls Forcing this film's only other Black Actor, an Asian Actor and 2 Latino Actors to live in a Janitor's Shed?

OK, SO ITS NOT JUST ME?

At this Rate, the Doll played by Gabriel Iglesias is gonna have his own Racist Gift Basket!

Mandy Bumps into a wall Revealing from her pocket he Glasses, she Cries that she needs this to be kept a Secret, as perfect dolls have no flaws, So she needs this kept as a Secret.

Meanwhile Lou had sent 3 other mean Girl Dolls to Infiltrate Uglyville (Voices of Overrated Fake View Bimbos with Songs from Shampoo ads, Charlie X.C.S.L.U.T, Boobie Rip-Shirt and Piss-O!) And yes, I don't give two fucks what their real or professional names are, given that you could replace them with any other fake Singers with Fake View counts on YouTube, given that all 3 are signed to Vevo, a Company that now has new songs posing as Ads to MAKE YOU LISTEN! So yes, Vevo could have sent anyone for Cynical Self-Promotion in this 90-minute advert!

So the trio kidnap Oxley. Another Day starts and Lou is Teaching about Kids and their propensity for getting dirty, so his class is about staying clean, which our heroes fail!

So Lou Tricks the Ugly Dolls to Enter a Shining metal Door into "The Big World"...Which turns out to be a Washing Machine...And this scene is framed like A Gas Chamber in a War Movie, A minority was Tricked, trapped in a metal Chamber and a White Blonde Leader takes Great pleasure in telling his Flock not to end up "LIKE THE LIKES OF THEM!"

But there is another lesson to the washer, Lou teaches that the more a doll is washed, the less a human would want it. No matter how much a child loves you, if you are average at best, broken at worst, you are trash!

That....is more brutal than it needed to be!

Montage of the Ugly Dolls Being Put through Constant Sabotage and Multiple Washes, As Lou Stacks the Deck in his Favour, However Moxy Won't Give up Without a Fight, Despite Lou's Passive Aggressive and Just Plain Aggressive actions. Tomorrow the Ugly Dolls will face the Gauntlet, despite not being ready! The Trio Of mean Girl Dolls return with Oxley in a Sack, turns Out He and Lou know each other!

Moxy tried Creating Costumes to Blend in, But Mandy arrives to Help with this (In Song!), Which Just ends with her own, with her singing about her own Insecurities.

"HEY, SHE'S NOT HAPPY AT ALL! SHE LIED TO US IN SONG!
I HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS!"

The next Day the Newly Dubbed "Pretty Dolls" Dressed just like all the Perfect dolls in uniforms and Wigs meet Lou, who Reveals Oxley, who Reveals the Truth to the Others. Once, Just like them, He ended up in Perfection and tried to run the Gauntlet but had Unknowingly been Sabotaged by his "Good Friend", Lou. Oxley entered the Garbage tube and learned the Ugly Truth: Reject Toys get sent to the furnace and are destroyed, So it was him who sealed the Pipe to Redirect Rejects to a new Chute where Slowly but Surely Uglyville was Founded.

With Broken Hearts the Ugly Dolls return to their home, and with Moxy's Spirits Dashed, Uglyville is now a Depressingly drab, Boulevard of Broken Dreams and Endless Night. the Next day Moxy is Meet by Mandy and she Convinces her (IN SONG OF COURSE!) To return to run the gauntlet, saying that if she never met her, she'd be still hanging off every word Lou says!

So one Song later and Moxy's Confidence is restored, Only for them to turn and be kidnapped by the dolls voiced by the 3 fake "singers"

Lou has a new plan and involves the furnace now that he has removed the barrier. He throws Moxy and Mandy into the flames as an Example to the rest of "those People"!

SO....WHITE PRIVILEGE AND GENOCIDE IN YOUR KIDDIE'S FILM! 

GOT IT!

So Moxy is pushed with Mandy Betrayed and Pushed soon after, as Uglyville falls to pieces. Oxley Discovers by shaking Moxy's Sentient Talking Newpaper Press, (NOW THERE'S A SENTENCE!) The Kidnapping, Mandy and Moxy would be destroyed if it wasn't for every Ugly Doll forming a human Chain....er i mean Homunculus Chain to save them, Oxley apologizes for his cowardice, but sees Lou for what he is, if he will Kill anything that looks anything ugly in his eyes, he will kill anything not Perfect, So he needs to be stopped!

It's the Night of the Gauntlet and the Stadium Floor opens to reveal a Human House, when all Of Uglyville arrive to cheer all the Named Heroes as Lou Proves Himself as he will run the Gauntlet too!

Inside, Lou Sacrifices all his underlings into setting off traps, while the Ugly Dolls would show compassion and save them, even if it costs them time off the clock to get the end goal of the other side of the house's back garden! That's when a Robot Baby grabs both Lou and Moxy, and Lou shows his true colours on Camera, when he Pulls a Do You Know Who I Am? and kicks the Baby in the face! Moxy could have reached the finish line, but uses that time to Comfort the crying Baby. Time is over and though the Ugly Dolls have gained Respect, they Lost!

OR DID THEY?

No, because, they all showed Compassion, which the teaching droid tells us is "THE DOLL'S TRUE PURPOSE", They all Pass, except for Lou, but here is the twist!

Lou is a Prototype, the reason he is "Perfect" is that he was not built for Public Consumption. He will never leave for the Big World, but the fact that ANY DOLL, Even the Ugly Dolls could, made him go Mad at The Revelation!

And Try as Oxley Might, Lou Destroys the Portal to the Big World Trapping Both Perfect and Ugly Dolls Alike. Lou is Captured and is given a Fitting Sentence: The Washer!

With Pieces of the Portal Everywhere and CONVENIENTLY! A piece for one doll each, they fix the Portal like a Jigsaw While singing the first song in the film. We then Time Skip to Mayor Oxley twinning Uglyville with Perfection leading to a song of both types of dolls coexisting, The Perfect Dolls embracing New Clothes and Hairstyles. And So the day has FINALLY come! Moxy gets gifted to a child. A girl with the same Gaps in her teeth Moxy has! And So the Credits Roll and reveals the fates of all the characters. Mandy and The other Ugly Dolls are matched with Kids that share their quirks or Skills, while Lou was Punished further by being made into a Janitor!

THIS FILM SUCKS!

I have not seen a More Spiteful, Hypocritical, Obnoxious Talking Down to Children disguised as a film for them! In fact, I Haven't seen a film for Kids This bad since Thunderpants, a film I reviewed In the first year of this Blog. And, for A Film about Body Image and the evils of Popularity, it IS FUCKING RICH! when it stars a singer who WON A POPULARITY CONTEST! And has Lizzo who, despite being Plus-Size, had her song shoved down people's Throats by Vevo's Insidious Campaign of making Songs into Ads on Youtube!, And there is also the Problematic Existence of this World of Perfection Township that has only 2 Black dolls and No Asians!

I WAS EXPECTING A 90-MINUTE AD-THIS WAS FAR WORSE!

CREDITS

Ugly Dolls was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited and By Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli on Twitter)

With Media From:

Ugly Dolls

MST3K

The Simpsons

Ugly Dolls was Produced by STX Family. All Rights Reserved. All Media used belong to their respective Owners!

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND I WILL SEE YOU ALL HOPEFULLY IN 2023! Please Kept an Eye Out on my main Blog enlightenedtowers.blogspot.com In January when I reveal my Schedule including the first review of the New Year!

CLIFFORD, THE BIG RED SPAWN OF SATAN!

 This may be A shock To anyone who's came here for the first time but I'm a bit of a Retroviewer. I rarely review anything more than a year old, due to the closest cinema being 3 towns over in any direction.

Also it helps that I review what appeals to whatever slice of Collective Childhood we all had!

But do you know what I haven't covered yet? 

Book Tie-in Media!

Keep in mind, As I'm Irish, Growing up Between the late 80s through the 90s, and Vicariously through younger Siblings through the 2000s, there was a lot of British shows that tied to popular books, that every house, school, playschool and Library had. Puddle Lane in the 80s, Rosie and Jim in the 90s, kipper the Dog, Maisie mouse in the 2000s. But as the years went on, these Books seemingly disappeared. Once seen and bought everywhere, but Now? You can't even find them at the Jumble Sale!

Why is that?

Yes, much like any other medium, America has an influence, Where's Wally could be Repurposed by Part-work Magazines to teach Geography and History. The Berenstein Bears-I was gifted so many as a child. But one that Continues with Fondness to this day even after it's creator passed on in 2015, is Clifford The Big Red Dog.

For those living under a Rock, Clifford The Big Red Dog was Written by Norman Bridwell for the Scholastic Publishing company, and with an impressive 80 books, (the last two published posthumously) the Big Red Dog became it's mascot. 

The Series Follows Emily Elizabeth, A Big City Girl who Adopts a Small Puppy Despite her family living in a block of flats.

However, This Dog is no Ordinary Dog, the amount of love and Affection caused the Animal to grow Giant and well....Since this is an Origin Story, I won't ruin the ending just yet!

So With That Said, Let's Dig Into Clifford the Big Red Dog!

HOW CAN SOMETHING BE CUTE AND TERRIFYING AT THE SAME TIME?

Yes, I am aware of the Horror Edits Of this Film on Youtube. And for good Reason! Sure it looks cute in the picture, But when this......THING! is in Motion, it's Quick and Janky and it's Presence is Off-putting! That Said The Cover Shows some personality of Clifford Being a Playful Dog with a Frisbee....except its a Manhole Cover. It's Cute If you don't think of the Ramifications on where he found it.

The Film Starts with Bridwell's Art style replicated into a sweeping shot of New York (BECAUSE IT'S A BAD FILM REVIEWED ON MY BLOG SET IN NEW YORK, WHY WOULDN'T IT BE?) As a Very familiar voice narrates about Magic being real and how it brings lost souls together! The world transitions into live action, following a Golden Retriever entering an Abandoned factory. The Dog had Previously given birth to a litter of four including Clifford, who was Hiding in the blankets. That's when some Dog-Catchers Arrive and take away the mother and the 3 Puppies they can see.

Curiously, they didn't frame The Dog-catchers to be Cruel, as they do in other films. Maybe it's due to Clifford being adopted after being abandoned , it makes sense not have a Double Standard! 

After Title Drop, we are introduced to Emily Elizabeth (Darby Camp). After I got over the fact she's a red head not Blonde, (there is a storyline reason for this!) There are other things changed and fleshed out (Her Mother's British, she's a paralegal, They live in New York because Emily is on Scholarship to a Prep School, But they are Struggling Financially, and she is bullied because of it!)

She tries to tell her daughter that you have to stand for yourself. But she's Upset she has Noone else, we Don't ever see a Father nor is he ever bought up! But since this is a children's film, this applies...

AT LEAST ONE PARENT TO THE HERO OF A CHILDREN'S MOVIE BE LIKE.....

 

Mom is Going to Chicago for work, so she needs a Babysitter for Emily, But it won't be Uncle Casey, "THE GUY WHO THINKS GREEN M&MS ARE A VEGETABLE!" NO, NOT THAT GUY! WHY EVEN BRING HIM UP? 

AAAAAANNNNNDDDD FIVE MINUTES LATER!

We are introduced to PG Stoner and Waste of Space, Casey, (Jack Whitehall) Sleeping in a U-Haul when a traffic Cop uncovers his Scam to put an Out of order sign on a parking meter to stay parked Indefinitely. Also, for some reason Whitehall, who is British, Speaks in an American Accent, despite his onscreen Sister being British!

Back to Clifford, He crawls out of under the shutter door of the factory, because he is a little smaller than he was, Back to Casey, he's in a building for a job Interview for a book Illustrator and using a soap Dispenser to wash himself....Naturally he doesn't get the job!

Emily is Collecting Plastic Bottles and Meeting Quirky Characters (And Burning Up Screen time, If I'm Being Honest!) Clifford is Scrounging for Food in Central Park ending with him Fighting with Pigeons and losing. Until he is found by the Narrator, Mr. Bridwell. (John Cleese)

Like I said in my Ella Enchanted Review years ago, every time I see One of the Pythons do a film like this makes my Childhood die a little more!

Mr Bridwell picks up the small puppy, and tells him that he has a Greater Destiny than he can ever imagine.

THAT'S SOME SUPER VILLAIN SPIEL, THERE BRIDWELL! WHAT'S YOUR ANGLE, CREEP?

Meanwhile Emily returns for her mother to give her bad news, the only person she could get is Uncle Casey, who instantly raids the fridge and becomes The Thing That Wouldn't Leave. He's expressingly told not use the Faulty Dishwasher. So watch him use it to clean Clifford or shit like that! He also explains he is British....he just lost his accent, and Proves it by saying British things....like Bollocks! That Why the Film had a PG Rating!

Collecting Plastic Bottles, in the park across the street Emily sees an Animal Adoption Fair, in what may be the One Instance Casey shows Sensibility, He's not sure about it, but He'll take Emily at least.

She enters a tent with Bridwell's name across it, Filled with Exotic Animals and Fantastical Beasts like Shrunken Giraffes. But in a lamp post Emily finds a sleeping Clifford. (the reason they made Emily a Redhead is so she has an affinity towards him.) Bridwell says that he is an unique animal, that despite his small size, he will need only one thing that will make him big and strong-LOVE! BUT Casey likes being fed for free, so he reminds Emily that Her Super, won't allow a Dog in a Building that had no pet rules for a reason. 

Arriving at school, the other children laugh at Emily for actually doing the Recycling for the fundraiser when all they do is have Mammy Write a cheque!

THIS IS A BASED OPINION, BUT I USE TO HATE THAT! I WOULD ACTUALLY DO THE MS READATHON ONLY FOR THE BIGSHOT FARMER'S CHILD TO HAVE MAMMY WRITE A CHEQUE I USED TO HATE THAT FOR THE VERY SAME REASON!

After being called a Foodstamper, Emily Does make a Friend in a nerdy Admirer called Owen. She's Embarrassed at class of Course, and runs home upset, Casey watching the news foreshadowing the Villain, A Greedy Capitalist, Emily's Bag starts moving on it's own, Revealing Inside Clifford, and is officially named as such. However prior to that, Emily tried to Google Bridwell Animal Shelter, but nothing was Found!

A MAGICAL SUPERVILLAIN IS SELLING CURSED ANIMALS! THAT IS SOME DARK WEB SHIT!

When Clifford goes scrounging for food, Casey find him eating the meat from his sandwich. He's upset that Emily may have Stolen Clifford and Undermined his Authority. But agrees to let the dog stay the night but and then it's back to the Island of Dr Monroe for Clifford!

But that night, poor Emily has being Cyberbullied and she Cries and Wishes that both would be big and Strong, so noone would hurt them. Outside, A Storm is Brewing as Mr Bridwell Looks up at the flat to see what Terror he has Wrought!

Sure Enough the next Morning, Clifford is now a Ten Foot Property Damage Suit come to life, made Worse by the Strict Super, Mr Packard coming to fix the Dishwasher and we get to see Jack Whitehall doing what he'll do from now on: Being Mauled by CGI.

......

THIS IS A TALENTED AWARD WINNING STANDUP COMEDIAN, AND BEING THROWN AROUND IS ALL HE DOES FOR THE REST OF THIS FILM!

They Avoid revealing Clifford to the Super (For now!), But Emily Convinces Casey they need to see a vet. After all, what If continues Growing, which makes Casey make a face like he just met Damian in the Omen. 

Emily is worried about taking Clifford out in the open, But Casey points out that, People in New York are so up themselves they don't notice anything. As Evidenced by a man on a phone, literally jumping 3 leather belts tied together to lead a 10 foot Bright Fire Engine Red Dog! Now if they got in his way it would be a different Story!

"HEY WHATSAMATTERYOU, YOU WANNA  ROLL-UP SPORTS PAGES UP YA CORNHOLE, YA MOOK? I'M WALKIN' 'ERE!"

Until Owen and A few onlookers actually do see Clifford being put into Casey's U-Haul, Owen is picked up like a Toy and is now here for the ride, So Emily tells him to keep him a secret!

.....Which won't be kept, because in a park Those Giant Plastic Balls you can ride in are Bouncing in Clifford's Line of Vision! It's time for some Reckless Endangerment! 

Despite nearly KILLING A MAN! There are People with Smartphones, pointing and Laughing at the Kaiju Sized Eldrich Horror in their Midst! Then the Dog Pisses on Jack Whitehall, just because!

Meanwhile at Lyfegro Genetics (a Subsidiary of Obviously Evil, Incorporated!) Zac Terran, a Balding Version of the Zuck, is Looking at his Genetic Experiments to make food Bigger, not to feed the Poor, but to make money! Despite Creating Giant Eggs, they break on Contact, and 2 headed goats and Militarized Sheep are not want he asked for.

Oh no! A Big Corporation made something Dangerous, that rarely happens in American companies that may have partial Government funding! 

So as you may have Guessed, and me telling you previously, but this is our Villain, a man who wants to capture and Experiment non Clifford to make Giant Food for already  Fat 'Muricans and his already Fat Wallet.

"Mammy, What's Capitalism?"

Just to remind that this is a film tied to a Book for Preschoolers, who have no idea what's going on!

Speaking of having no idea, the Vet (Played by Kenan Thompson) Surmises that despite being a 10 foot Bright red Dog, his teeth and heart are that of a healthy animal. Emily is kind of sad that there is no cure for her pet.

At the Reception desk, woman behind it (all the while her Doctor is being "Hounded"  by Clifford for Treats.) Regales Emily with stories of other animals, From an introvert who bought a positive reinforcement spouting Parrot, to a Wheelchair bound women who walked Again thanks to a Massage Giving Monkey!

Lady, I'm sure what you are telling me uplifting stories and the only bit of exposition in the  whole film, but I think your boss is being Murdered!

Also, why does the Receptionist know about Bridwell and not The Doctor, Would Have saved on Actors and given Kenan better lines!

Owen realized that Since Bridwell was using the The School Grounds to host the adoption drive, he must have given an Address for the school to contact him. Meanwhile at Lyfegro, Terran orders his men to Shoot Microchips that when scanned, will announce that Clifford is his Property.

I Don't think that's how Property works!

Also of Course Being the Zuck, Terran Uses Social Media to stalk People, He now knows where Emily Elizabeth Howard lives, also I didn't know she had a Last name, I always thought It was Elizabeth!

Owen and Casey break into the School Reception to try and find Mr Bridwell, Meanwhile, Terran Bribes Mr Packard and he learns from the Zuck that the Howard Family indeed have a dog. Clifford had Gotten loose from the U-Haul and tracking Emily's scent to school, Where Emily is Buying a Dozen a hot dogs to feed him, only for the Bully who called her a Foodstamper is at it again! When Clifford arrives, after Emily accidentally hits Florence with ketchup. The sight of the now famous dog make Emily Popular. Florence calls them Both Freaks, But Clifford bring a dumb animal licks Florence and she runs off when she is Laughed at.

When the Howards return, Mr Packard has Evicted Them. However the Husband of the Paralegal Couple gets into a spot of bother putting up a Satellite Dish and would have fallen to his death, if Clifford hadn't saved him. The Block Celebrates  (And I'm sure saving a Lawyer's life, will come in handy later on!)

Owen learns that while Bridwell didn't divulge an address, he told the school he was not going to be available tomorrow since he is going to be at A Hospital. But Casey tells Emily that getting her home back is more important. On cue, Terran turns up claiming Ownership of Clifford. Quicker than you can say Magic Beans Casey sells Clifford to Musc Zuckerbezos! Emily sees through Terran's lies so he just orders his stooge to shot the Microchip into Clifford, which causes the Kaiju Canine to bolt.

Owen and Emily use Casey's van to chase Clifford but So do Lyfegro Goons. In Chicago, Emily's school gives her mother a courtesy call since she hasn't being in school today!  Wait, a whole day passed between coming home from school to now? Where were they if a whole schoolday passed between getting home and now?

Owen Lets Clifford and the Howards Stay in his penthouse, which given that he goes to an elite prep school like Emily, but she is on scholarship, makes sense that his family is minted! Casey gets a phone call from her Sister and yeah, they made national news so of course, she is pissed off!

Meanwhile Terran Has Got the police involved, after all he can claim that Clifford is his genetic Experiment.

Owen's Dad Returns Home-CONVENIENTLY! Owen's family made there money owning a Nature Reserve in Hong Kong!, But with the entire city after Clifford and the microchip claiming Terran owns  him, Putting him on the boat maybe the only way to save him. 

Emily is upset That Clifford is being sent to China without ever finding Bridwell, Casey gives it one more day, If they can't find Bridwell, Clifford is on that Boat to China, No Excuses!

While Checking the Hospital for Bridwell,  Owen is left to guard Clifford, who Escapes after the dog Farts and Owen opening the Van door for air (Because HURDUR KIDZ TINK FARTS R FUNNEH!)And seeing Clifford, and hearing on the big award Muskerbezos put on him, get on there Phones.

In a Hospital Ward. Emily sees an Orderly carrying a Box of Bridwell's Clothes and an Empty Bed. The Patient beside it tells Emily the bad news...

John Cleese Doesn't Get Paid by the Hour....Also Bridwell is Dead! To make things worse the Police are chasing Clifford Down. But there is no choice but to send Clifford to Hong Kong!

But this is not the end!

Emily has made the news as New York tears itself up looking for The Big Red Dog!

So Turns out the patient beside the guy who said Bridwell was dead Did not meet Bridwell. As the Patient Forward the email for the Memorial of a black Man. Bridwell has sprang up online again this time in Central Park Tomorrow morning! But there is Bad News, the Boat to China was Intercepted by the Coastguard and Clifford is Captured by Lyfegro, so the Entire Block goes to Save Clifford!

OK, so 2 Lawyers may be handy in this venture, but A Magician, 2 clerks from a Grocery Store (One of them Handicapible,) and the live action Version of the Russian Granny from Madagascar, NOT SO MUCH!

So lets Finish this!

Turns out the Paralegals are useless when you are as Rich as Terran as he gets Security to throw them out when they accuse him of his crimes on camera, Magic Mack tries to pick a lock, but gets flustered enough he throws a smoke bomb, which causes a safety override to open all door in Lyfegro, including the one guarding  the Militarized Sheep,Which the Russian Granny tames with Singing and Condensed Milk!

Would you believe there is no clip or image of the MST3K "This Makes No Sense and Yet It's Working" Clip online?

Security arrives with A Taser, which Pedro Blocks with his plastic Hand, But Jose punches the security out with one Punch "He has a Plastic Hand, But I have a Real One!"

Okay that Line was Good!

Emily Finds Clifford prepped on an Operating table and Fears the Worst, Until the Big Lug wakes up. Emily on the Back Of Clifford, with an army of Militarized Sheep in Tow (See, the Fact you made more than One, Meant you were up to some shit!), Casey gets on Tv to explain what really happened, as His Sister has returned to New York is heading there by taxi. Emily finds Bridwell in Manhattan, he explains he gifted a friend a suit so he looked good for his own Funeral, and reiterates that Love makes Clifford big, and you cannot take love back, The Police Circle the Park, And Bridwell tells Emily that if she wants to be heard, She has to Speak!

One Decent Filibuster later and Everyone is on side, even Mr Packard, In comes the Zuck to remind people that the fact of life is "I'M RICH, YOU'RE POOR, FUCK YOU!"

The Police scan Clifford for the Microchip, Which Exclaims Emily as the true owner of Clifford, Causing Zuck to runaway on foot and Bridwell to imply he changed the Read-out of the chip by Magic, which is something he could have done this whole time.....

And So Mr Packard has a change of heart, and the Howards can return to their home, Casey gets a job and Clifford gets to live in a Block sized Kennel in NYC.

APART FROM THE MEMES THIS FILM IS OKAY!

Lets get all the Good out of the way first, the Story is Gentle, the moral of Standing up for yourself and those weaker comes out strong and Darby Camp, who plays Emily maybe a star in the next few years.

But you can't Avoid the Big Red Dog in the Room.

But enough has being said about it, so lets move on to the other bad in this film, Not Jack Whitehall himself, But WHY is he here? I'm sure he was tempted to break America,but I would have loved to be a fly on that Particular wall during the contract arrangements

"OK Jack, we love your Stand-up especially your Joke about you and your girlfriend stopping short in a hotel pool, that we all agreed, THAT GUY NEEDS TO BE A PUNCHING BAG FOR A GIANT MUTANT DOG!"

-I DON'T KNOW...

YOU GET TO SAY BOLLOCKS IN A KIDS FILM!

-DEAL!

also the whole Greedy Capitalist Plot, I know you need a plot so even the parents don't roll their eyes too much, but the thing is, DO WE NEED A GOOD VS EVIL PLOT....for this Film? You had a Ready made Plot, You have a giant Dog and a Pet-Hating Super, you have lots to work with already and yet you go with Balding Zuckerberg analogy who makes Funny faces. And the Ending is An Ass Pull, though giving the 92 minute run time, the Target audience would have being asleep by then!

Though the film is decent and pleasant enough, there is enough slapstick violence and the utterance of a swear word to makes it a film you don't want to put on without Adult Supervision!

NEXT MONTH, IT'S WHAT EVERY CHILD DOESN'T WANT, A TOY TIE-IN WITH CELEBRITY VOICES SO THE PARENTS CAN WATCH ALONG INSTEAD OF DUMPING THEIR KIDS IN THE CINEMA, WHILE THEY GET RAT-ARSED!

BUT FEEL FREE TO DRINK AS MUCH MULLED WINE AS YOU CAN, TO GET THROUGH UGLY DOLLS!

CREDITS

Clifford, the Movie was reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER -GO TO @REALENLI)

With Media from:

Clifford

Inugami Korone's Youtube Channel

Usada Pekora's Youtube Channel both representing Hololive.

The Simpsons

Star wars

MTS3K

All Media used Belong to there respective owners.

Clifford is Property of Scholastic Publishing and the Estate of Norman Bridwell. And the Film was Produced By Paramount, All Rights Reserved.