EAMONN REVIEWS BULLET TRAIN

 Unpopular opinion time!

Brad Pitt is An Overrated Actor!

I'm Sorry, But all the Brat Pack-Pretty Boy Films he Did was a Dissolving Bedrock to anchor a Career on, So When the man hit his Forties, and the looks started to fade, all was left was a flat Voiced Man who was still kind of Big enough to do Action Scenes.

Oh, and Every Irish Person who watched Snatch was Rolling in the Aisles laughing the moment he asked "You Like Dags?"

From the Twisted Mind of Deadpool 2 Director, David Leitch,  comes a Neon Coloured Japanophillic Jet-Ride that makes the Ticket To Hell look like a Kiddie Ride!

To the Cover and Star Power Demands that your head MUST! be the biggest component in a Group Shot, He looks like he has being Beaten up, But what emotion does Brad Go with?

We also have a guy who looks like Bad Bunny armed with a knife, a guy with  brass Knuckles, a Guy with Corn rows that look like a messy welcome mat and dressed like a Petrol Station Attendant, An Old Samurai, Some kind of Bargain Basement Nicki Minaj, and English teenage Dora the explorer. At the Bottom is the Eponymous Bullet Train careening at speeds that Creates Sparks and Flames. In a Cool detail, it had being traveling on a streak of Neon Luminescence that surrounds the Characters,- or it would have been clearer if not for Brad's Fat Head!

The Credits Roll with Japanese Translation under the English to drive home the fact this is based in Japan. We Start, once the eyes Adjust to the Lenses flare, in a Hospital, where a Father called "The Father" watches over his comatose son on a Respirator. He's distracted by a TV playing a Cartoon of a cat, only to change the channel to a news report about a poisonous snake stolen from Tokyo Zoo.

Plot Point!

He picks up a paper flower off the floor when the samurai from the box art comes on, his sword Concealed in a walking stick.

The Samurai, the boy's Grandfather, asks his son where was he when Wateru was Pushed off the roof of their building,  but he adds Wateru is alive because he is "Lucky" and his luck offsets the "Misfortune" of having such a shitty Father, who was trying to kill himself during the accident.

Now to get it out of the way, The Prevailing theme of this film is "Luck, Karma, Misfortune and Redemption" words that spin the opening Credits like the reels of a slot machine before the title drop.

We drop into a rained out Tokyo Backstreet following an  Assassin (Brad Pitt) on his Phone to his Boss (The Voice of Sandra Bullock!) Cutting his Sabbatical short to take a Contract on short notice, Being back in the game, he is given a new alias "Ladybug", which he laughs off as an Ironic Joke about bring a symbol of good luck.

Until he is Nearly ran over by a car.... but then reveals he stepped back into Dog Shit!

Sorry, DAG-Shit!

Again couldn't resist!

Ladybug's Bad luck in Contracts Beggers Belief, he is responsible for more Collateral Deaths than the deaths of His surviving targets, So much so it has turned him into a neurotic mess who quotes Psychobabble in times of stress. As he makes his way to the station, he is bumped into By Father, drops his locker key and his ticket. But he can pick locks, like every hitman worth his Piano Wire! His Boss does question his choice of Gear, Firecrackers and a Sleeping Powder so Strong it caused a Bodyguard to die of a heart attack, in another bout of bad luck. The Boss tells him to at least use the gun she provided, for a change, which he refuses.

Oh, so he's not Superstitious, HE'S AN IDIOT!

WELL, SAME DIFFERENCE!

On the same Carriage are 2 more Killers, Both British known as the Fruit Twins, named Tangerine and Lemon, I Don't Know who is which, but one is the guy with The brass Knuckles and the other is the black guy with the Crappy Cornrows! The white guy steals sweets from under a Stewardess' nose, much to his companion's annoyance. Ladybug realizes his ticket is gone, So must be Off the train by the next stop, luckily for him the Mission is nothing but a simple retrieval of a briefcase, so it should be one and done.

Meanwhile on the Economy Cabin, Father who has a note from the person who pushed his son off the Building finds the seat guided to occupied by the Teenage Dora Cosplayer. Thinking he made a Mistake, he turns away, only to be tased by her.

Ladybug steals the Briefcase, as on the opposite seat to Lemon and Tangerine, a Tattooed Amnesiac wakes up. Turns out Lemon (The Black Guy) and Tangerine has Rescued this guy....and then Lemon goes on a tangent about Thomas the tank engine and how it thought him how to read people.

I mean,  that's ridiculous!

Who's ever seen a Grown Man talk about Cartoons?

Why do I feel a Sense Of Shame?

So they are not exactly good Samaritans per say as "Percy", as Lemon Christians him, was Kidnapped by a Yazuka Gang and the Fruits fought their way out, killing 17 people to do so. All they need to do is return him to his father, who is the Gangster known as "The White death" who wants not only the return of his son, but the ransom money to save face or the Fruits are dead!

The Money  is the Briefcase Ladybug just stole!

Pleased as Punch with Himself, Ladybug thinks he's back in the Game....until he is attacked by the Bad Bunny Lookalike with a Carving Knife.

Meanwhile Father Comes to as A Caption Reveals English Dora to Maleeka Prince (Joey King), or simply, The Prince, Who reveals why she Pushed his son off the roof of his building, or rather phone a Cohort at the Hospital with orders to kill the Boy if she doesn't call every 10 minutes.

Back with the Fruit Twins, Tangerine explains Further information to Lemon who the White death is: A Russian Former KGB who rose through the ranks of the Yakuza by betraying his firm and causing a Violent Coup. Lemon asks if the White Death is so dangerous, why won't he get his own son back, to which Tangerine replies that he was never the same when his wife died in a freak car accident (Watch it be Ladybug's fault!)

Prince's Deal is that she is Anti-Patriarchcal Flavoured in this Multipack of Psychopaths, here to Bait father in killing his boss....his own father, the White Death! 

Meanwhile Tangerine and Lemon Return to there seats and see "Percy" Dead! The Target Stabbed Multiple times.

Cut to a Flashback of Mexico 26 years ago. This the Story of the guy with the Knife-The Wolf, having to bury his Mother at a young age, the orphan grew into an Unhinged Underworld Enforcer in the Barrios....Until Love came his way and he married his sweetheart, until a certain assassin posing as a waiter at his wedding, bumped into him, killing everyone with poisoned wine, including the Bride via a poison that causes them to die Vomiting Blood!

What is it about Protagonists called Ladybug Being Selfish Self Serving Jerks who ruin Lives to try to get what they want?

And Now the Wolf stands face to face with Ladybug, who like his French Namesake pleads ignorance to the Monster he helped create, leading to a knife been reflected back into his heart by the Briefcase.

THANKS FOR COMING, TOKEN LATINO GUY!

On two sides of the train, All 3 killers have the same idea, Create Weekend at Bernie's with both Bodies! Ladybug is about to leave, but recognises Lemon from a previous Job. He runs through a Daycare Cabin when he bumps into a cat mascot from the cartoon in the first scene, "Momonga", who grabs the briefcase-Either as Hijinks as a Costumed Performer.... or is it something more sinister later? But Ladybug doesn't have time for cat, so he just Decks it!

Stealing the Wolf's Phone after his got Shanked he tells his boss when he Realizes who he killed. The thing is he didn't get the chance to kill at the wedding, who ever poisoned the wine did! Meanwhile the White Death calls Tangerine who then asks Prince if she saw a Briefcase, which she sets up Ladybug. Truth be told she has the Briefcase Now-Because she is "Lucky". Being a while since we  beaten that over your heads, hasn't it?

In the Quiet Car, Ladybug wants to peacefully Resolve this with Lemon: He Returns the case and he doesn't have to die, But Lemon, (Speaking about Percy) says Ladybug has already killed, (Thinking Lemon is Talking about The Wolf, he admits to a killing, just not the killing he Did!) This leads to a Comedy fight by making as little noise not to upset a Karen, which ends with lemon knocked  out, and ladybug spiking his water bottle with the OP sleeping powder that will No Doubt lead to a Explosive Heart Attack in the near future.

So before being Stabbed, Ladybug exposited that Percy was Poisoned and that's when he finds in a cage, the Stolen Boomslang Snake from Tokyo Zoo.

Ladybug Barricades  The Entry way between the Economy and Quiet Carriages to trap Both the Snake and the Fruit Twins. Now to deal with the Other Problem, the Jobsworth Conductor who wants him off his train! So he pays an American, (Cameo by Channing Tatum) to switch his clothes, Something Tangerine finds out when he shoots the Barricade over, Releasing the Poisonous snake onto a train full of innocent people.

Meanwhile, Father gets the Upper hand on Prince, who reminds him that her Goon will kill his son if she doesn't call him every 10 minutes.  She gets him to ring his own father, The White Death and explain his predicament that he is in. We learn Father's name is Yuichi. Prince hangs up the phone, he needs his help to unlock the Briefcase, And she has All Night to go through every combination. She tosses his phone in case the White Death tries to Trace it. 

Meanwhile Tangerine wakes Lemon up and they Access the Situation. The Briefcase?-Gone! Percy? Dead! On the Next Stop? A Dozen of Japan's most Deadly Hoods waiting to tie up the Loose ends of their failure. The only Plan is as they Put it "The Ole Punch and Judy" 

Oh God No! They aren't really?

OH MY GOD! I WAS JOKING ABOUT WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S! I DIDN'T THINK THEY'D DO IT!

...

So yeah..... Tangerine does all the talking, while on the Train, Lemon is Operating Percy's Corpse as a puppet!

Some how, it works. Lemon sees the Snake but does nothing. Which makes sense! He's not paid to get rid of a snake, and Draw Attention to himself, something a Killer doesn't need!

Back with Yuichi he is struggling to crack the case. The little Pink Psycho, spits on Percy's Corpse as the snake  Slithers Aimlessly through the Quiet Carriage.

And where is Ladybug?

Hiding in the Toilet, Hoping everyone else kills each other, and it all blows over.

I'd say "Our Hero Everybody!" Except of all the characters the only one not remotely evil is the snake and that's because animals are only True Chaotic Neutrals in the world!

Yuichi opens the case, but Prince is not interested in the money, instead she plants plastic explosives set to go off when opened, the same explosives she planted on his gun, set to blow if he ever fires from it! Prince's plan is to use the White Death's Modus operandi for dealing with traitors against Him: he kills them with their own weapon, killing him in the process!

Back in the toilet, Boss tells Ladybug there is another Assassin, one who uses Boomslang Venom in their hits, They call him the Hornet. The Wolf was probably here to find him, but under the false Pretences that Ladybug was him, But if ladybug can catch the Hornet, if would get the Fruit Twins off his back. Sadly, Tangerine finds Ladybug and rips him away from his Hidey-Hole!

They have a fight that is interrupted by a Stewardess, Ladybug get one over by making Tangerine Pay for a glass Bottle of water, that's gets Lobbed at the Yob, they smash through an Emergency Door, that becomes scrap by a second Speeding train. It's revealed that Yuichi is the middleman for The Twins and as such, wants to get rid off the briefcase without mentioning off course that it's rigged with Explosives! Tangerine Reluctantly teams with ladybug solely due to the fact the Whole Japanese Underworld have never seen  both of the Twins, but know they are are Both British.

So one more Terrible Accent by Brad and a bluff gone wrong and the White Death is on there asses!

Back with Yuichi and Prince, She Taunts The Man who was Going to kill himself the night she lured, Quite Easily,  Wateru to the roof of their building, and calls him a terrible Father. But in comes lemon to find the Briefcase as he drinks the water Spiked with the Overpowered Sleeping Powder, Prince tries to Fob of that she hadn't seen his Briefcase, Only for Lemon to play his Perry Mason Gambit, and claim he never said it was a Briefcase, so Since Lemon claims watching Thomas the tank engine, had made him a good Judge of character, he sees through the sweet Schoolgirl facade as he says he's found his "Diesel"

Tangerine refuses to let Ladybug off the train, because he needs a Fall Guy to deliver to the White Death so he doesn't die! So agreeing to Disagree, Ladybug Literally kicks Tangerine off the train.

Meanwhile Lemon had Stuck-up both Yuichi and Prince, and While prince plays the part of Kidnapped Tourist, Lemon Doesn't buy it, But at the same time, think both are in cahoots! So he tells them both to close their eyes to the count of 3, all the While drinking more spiked water, But Yuichi is too much of a coward that he lets Prince pint at him and have Lemon Shoot him to death!, The last thing he sees is the Boomslang.

Well Good Job, Asshole!

You're Dead, and with no reason to keep him alive, so is your Son! At the same time, Tangerine struggles to climb back in the train, smashing windows to inside. Inside, Lemon and Prince Drag a Bleeding Profusely Yuichi into the Toilet, Lemon looks inside Prince's Purse as she finds a wife to tie the handle of the toilet closed, Lemon sees Yuichi's Gun and asks why didn't she use on her kidnapper, and that's when the Sleeping Powder kicks in as ominous music Drowns every other sounds from out of nowhere, Just as Tangerine climbs in too late, The Prince stands over a collapsed lemon and Relishes in a Second Lucky Kill!

Ladybug staggers out as Yuichi's phone that was Abandoned rings as he answers it. Not realising it's the White Death on the other end to use the phone finder app Tangerine used on him.

In the Kitchen Area, the Stewardess finds a Momonga mascot walking around where the emergency door use to be, before she can even ask what's going on, the Mascot kills her and Reveals herself to be the Hornet, an African American Woman who used the Giant costume to hold the snake in her arm tube to kill "Percy" with a high five! But now she has a better disguise, and hopes noone puts two and two together that this  train with one Stewardess now has one of a different skin tone, no matter how convincing the disguise. Rifling through the Wolf's body, Ladybug finds a photo of The Hornet, who he recognises as the Wedding's Pastry chef, it was the Cake that was Poisoned, a Cake the wolf never ate as he was to beat up Ladybug for spilling wine on him. He Holds up the photo (turns out the Glasses were not A disguise) and puts it down to see her there.

She attacks him, all the while shouting One Dimensional Ebonics (she addresses him as a "Youse A Bitch-Ass Bitch!" And ends every sentence with "Bitch") She Reveals the White Death Sent her to Retrieve his money and kill his disappointment of a son, even Ladybug Says that's messed up! She Grabs a Syringe and Stabs him, but it's Anti-Venom, and he doesn't flinch. She Grabs a second, Ladybug counters the blow and injects her with the Venom, as she dies, Hoisted by her own petard!

THANKS FOR COMING, ZAZIE BEATS! WE NOW HAVE A 3RD ACTOR TO CALL WHEN TIFFANY HADDISH CAN'T COME TO BE A FLAT AFRICAN WOMEN STEROEOTYPE!

"UGH....MOMMA...DON'T LIKE...THAT!....BITCH! (THUD!)

Tangerine finds The Wired Toilet, and inside the bodies of Yuichi and Lemon, and though not Twins, they are indeed brothers, showing a flashback as children. Tangerine takes off his necklace, and puts it on his Brothers body.

Boss calls Ladybug who is having a Nervous Breakdown. Tangerine gets a call from the White Death, who tells the British Killer he is done for. Tangerine has a few choice words for him, that only stirs the Russian out of Mourning and Retirement. He will be Kyoto Himself so he can look into the eyes of the Failure and kill him Personally!

Tangerine taunts his now former employer about how someone as infamous as him will not kill in public kill on a Packed Train. But he Counters that someone as Infamous as him can and has bought every ticket on the Train when the last Civilian left. There is noone left on this train, but the White Death's Next Victims. Tangerine runs into The Prince, who turns on the Waterworks, now Lemon refused because he was a judge of character, but Tangerine refuses to help, because he just doesn't give a fuck... until Prince passes him and Tangerine sees the same Thomas the Tank engine lemon put on Percy, on Prince's Sweater, so he know something is up, especially when the sticker is that of A Diesel. He's about to do Prince in, but here is Ladybug to fuck it all up, and falls for it, wrestling a pistol from him,  killing Tangerine with his own gun. He has two words left to say, to Ladybug,  "Bellend" and about Prince "Diesel", But being an American, has no idea what that means. And had no idea the state he is now finds himself in surrounded by 3 Hidden killers, A Wolf in a Wolly Sweater, a Literal Stalking Snake, and an Avenger Awaiting in Kyoto.

Ladybug wants to get of Dodge, But Prince plays the Damsel in Distress and pretends her bag is caught in the door. Stuck back in the train and her trap, both don't notice an old man with a hat and Cane hobbling to his seat, Oblivious to the Danger he is now in, But enough to feel unease, reaches for his gun, but is instead bitten by the Snake, but survives because of the Anti Venom he was Stabbed With. He flushes the Snakes down the Porcelain Throne.

The White Death Reveal himself to the Prince, Who Taunts that Both his Son and Grandson are dead. He smiles and says he wouldn't be here if this Grandson wasn't safe, turns out one of the nurses is a Yazuka Assassin the whole time, So the White Death had out Smarted her Outsmarting, Her Confidence shaken she Runs off when he claims Yuichi is still alive, do she departs to finish the job.

The White Death sees Ladybug for what he is, A Bumbling fool who is way over his head, he had no Quarrel with The American, after all-This man IS NOT THE WHITE DEATH!

No, he is The Elder, The True Heir of the Yazuka, who tells the story of the White Death's Rise to power as it truly happened, His Boss promoted the Outsider Over him as the Boss saw him as getting soft as he had a family, as the night of the Coup happened around him, only he and Yuichi Survived. He also says that in Japan, Ladybugs are Not Lucky, instead that they Hold all the Misery in the world so everyone else won't Feel despair, on the next stop, The White Death will arrive. Take your Briefcase, and go!

However, opening the Toilet, A Miracle. Despite his wounds, Yuichi is alive! Why? Luck! And so is Lemon, who was wearing a Bullet Proof vest and didn't have a heart attack, when Prince shot him. But seeing his Brother's necklace on him, I have a feeling Tangerine is not sleeping off being Shot!

Yuichi is giving Rudimentary Bandages and Ladybug uses all the Spiel from his Therapy to calm Everyone except he killed Tangerine, and Lemon tried to kill Yuichi, his Handler. But the Elder has a plan, a Terrible plan, but better than Ladybug's plan of begging for mercy: and that's fight there way out! The White death will bring an army, but he doesn't know the Elder and Yuichi are on the train. They will fight off the army as much as they can, lemon will decouple the Cockpit from the other Carriages, while Ladybug will do his original plan, Beg for his life, to buy them all time.

The White Death, an Aged Silver haired Sharp dressed Man Enters First and Sees the Prince. And Says to her

"Daughter?"

OH COME ON! OFF ALL THE CLICHES THEY COULD HAVE DONE TO THE BEST CHARACTER IN THIS FILM, AND THEY BOIL HER DOWN INTO "I KILLED MY BROTHER, SO DADDY CAN SPEND TIME WITH ME!"

FUCK YOU!

THAT'S HOW YOU UNDERMINE A CHARACTER ARC!

You know what?

FUCK YOU, I'M MAD! LET'S JUST END THIS!

Prince Nearly has her father shoot her with the explosive rigged Gun, But The White Death is so much off a Sexist he flatly tells her he doesn't Listen to Women, His Men Beat up Ladybug for the case. He Gets the White Death to Confess to Putting all the killers in one train to destroy each other, All who had slighted him on The day Of, Or Played a Part in, the murder of his Wife, Now It's true that Ladybug Crashed into the car of the White death's Wife, Bringing the bodyguard he caused a heart attack to the emergency room, But The Twins are here because they killed his posse in Bolivia, that day. The Hornet, for killing the surgeon who could have saved her life, and "Percy", For his constant Screw-ups that put her in the car to pick him up in the first Place...But there is one Mistake the White Death has Made....One from the Very Beginning. Ladybug is filling in for other operative, he was on Holiday before the Mission...Meaning HE DID NOT KILL THE WHITE DEATH'S WIFE ON PURPOSE! It was Carver (a five second cameo of Ryan Reynolds!). 2 goons open the Booby-trapped Briefcase, it blows up trapping Ladybug and The White Death on the train via the explosion's blowback, Yuichi and The Elder have a Last Stand as Lemon figures out how to drive a train, despite not Speaking Japanese, All the while I Need a Hero, Sung in Japanese plays out. Lemon buys Ladybug time to hotwire a damaged console, as Ladybug beats people up with an Instruction Manual, that Blows Out of the Window Because "LUCK" BULLSHIT!

Lemon Sacrifices himself Running tackling a goon off the train as a second train runs into its path, Destroying most of it.

The White Death is About to Blow the Elder's Brains out when Something Rolls into Yuichi's Grasp-The Water Bottle-Which Gets it's Own Backstory-Which in the last 15 minutes of this film we down need right now-Yuichi throws it right at the Russian's Bonce, which Staggers Him Enough for the Elder to slice through with his katana! As the train crashes into a residential Area. Ladybug starts free-falling until A Mascot suit floats into view and cushions his fall. But the White Death is still Alive, though Punctured with pipes and swords walks in a daze before he is shot to death by The Prince, who before she can call herself the New White Death, gets Unceremoniously killed by a Tangerine van, because of  Karma, fate or maybe...

This leads to Boss, aka "Maria" driving in her sportscar to collect Ladybug, who tells her he Learned Something Today, that People put too much stock in Luck, that people should just let things happen, and as Such, a telephone Pole falls on the sportscar, with Ladybug saying, if they had got into the car the would be dead! and So the story ends with Maria and Ladybug walking into the Sunrise, as a stinger scene shows us Lemon survived by crashing into a river, sticking up the Tangerine Truck and running over Prince.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF THIS FILM!

As I said Previously, I think Brad Pitt can't act, So this film Did Not Change by Mind, But he can take A punch! The White Death was Played by Russia's Answer to Tommy Wiseau ("CARVE-HER? U R NOT CARVE-HER?"), Joey King gave the Performance of her young career, it's just a shame it was grinded down to a predictable cliche and Killed off weakly to Pound the Narrative into Submission. Speaking of, the Prevailing thread of it being about Luck, meant any twists come off as Ass-Pulls!

However the Cinematography is Bright to Contrast the grim reality, though Lenses Flare and Shaky handcam does make some scenes hard to comprehend, to my next point, I'm glad I saw this on a DVD, because if you miss the first 5 minutes you can't follow the plot!

in Short, an Enjoyable, If Baffling Film!

CREDITS

Bullet train was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli.@Mastodon.world) and (@RealEnli) on Twitter.

with Media From:

The Simpsons

Bullet Train

MST3K

Robot Chicken

DRAGONBALL Z Abridged

Bullet Train was Produced by Columbia And Distributed By Sony.

All Rights Reserved. All Media used Belong to their Respective Owners!

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RYAN REYNOLDS IS LIVING IN THE MATRIX, AS WE REVIEW FREE GUY!