THE 300TH POST: TICKET TO HELL: BLACK ADAM PART 2 (REMASTERED)

THE FOLLOWING POST IS A CONTINUED REVIEW FROM LAST MONTH, OF A 12 RATED FILM WITH SCENES OF VIOLENCE,  SYSTEMIC SLAVERY,  INJURY DETAIL, AND MURDER. CERTAIN WORDS WILL BE EDITED BEYOND THIS POINT.  DISCRETION IS ADVISED. 

 To continue where we left off, 

Black Adam( Rock The Dwayne)and Carter Hall/ Hawkman (Alvis Hodge) fight in Arianna's Destroyed Flat, and Carter, you're only five feet away from him, you don't need to fly at him all the time, you can just run at him!

All the while Black Adam destroys Amon's bedroom,  Making the viewer take Extra notice that they are Destroying Justice League posters

Adam Punches a cabinet and rears back in pain. Inside the Now Former Furniture is the Crown of McGuffin. 

One.

When did Amon have time to hide the Crown in his room, in the time it took to walk in, see Ishmael shoot Kareem and ran completely out the flat before he was Kidnapped?

Two.

I thought Black Adam could just zap away the wounds caused by Eternium, or is this a new trope?

WEAKNESS as the Plot Demands?

In the JSA Jet,  they all try and decipher what the crown's riddle means.  They ignore it because Arianna wants to Barter the Crown for Amon's safe return. So that means the JSA and Black Adam must work together. 

Dr Kent Nelson/Dr Fate (Pierce Brosnan) confronts Hawkman about Black Adam, with Carter worried the boy could die if Black Adam goes into business for himself. When Kent says Life and Death is, Quote, "Up to Fate", Carter Susses from that , that Dr Nelson saw a vision of someone's death. Carter's first thought is Atom Smasher,  given he's an idiot! So after he answers "Surprisingly,  No!", he says his goodbyes to Hall, as he may not have a chance ever again,  but Fate tells him it's still time to change!

BUT NEVER MIND THAT S**T!

Let's have Johnson hot dog and grandstand whilst a Disgrace of a Human being like Kanye West Still gets rich from Music Royalties!

But Mr Fishsticks is cut off when Black Adam flies into Ishmael's Shield Generator-powered by lines upon lines of Eternium. 

Arianna's Gives the Crown to Ishmael,  who really is the villain we have being leading up to, For Ishmael is the last living Descendant of King Ak-tum. As he puts on the crown he says the Proverb on it with the Nouns reversed (he says in Arabic, "Death is the only path to Life") causing magical energy to build up around him. And it's a good thing everyone said the phrase In English, otherwise this film would have ended sooner.

After a Ridiculous slow motion sequence where everyone screams or shouts "Nooooo!" with quick cuts every 2 seconds. Power from the crown explodes with Hawkman shielding Arianna with his wings, Fate Shielding a prone Amon with his magic, and Atom Smasher with his giant body protects Cyclone. Black Adam is alive, but Ishmael and the crown are nowhere to be seen. Amon was not wounded by stray bullets, but by Black Adam's own lightning,  and he blames himself for his injuries. 

I spoke too soon, Atom Smasher finds Ishmael, but the Halal Ham-actor is now served Extra Crispy, as the crown has melted into his Skeletal Remains. 

AND I'M SURE WE'LL NEVER SEE ISHMAEL AGAIN!

Hawkman confronts Black Adam once again, this time over a name Ishmael said that upsets Black Adam "Harut".

Harut was his timeline's version of Little Dumbass, when he was Tehtadam's son, and the true champion of the Wizards' Council, he tells his side of the story, Harut was a great champion, but like Shazam, he was a Naive boy in the body of a man, so Ak-tum killed Harut's Mother and would have killed Tehtadam, if not for Harut giving his father the power. And at that moment, Harut was Assassinated by Ak-tum's archers.

Losing Everything,  Black Adam went on an unstoppable rampage of revenge, killing everyone, so that's the truth of the statue of Thetadam: It's not his Statue: it's Harut's. Five milliena is a long enough time to realize this power is not a gift, but a Curse.  One that only hurts people. So Black Adam says "Shazam" and tells agent Hall on no circumstances permit him to say that word again. 

Thetadam is taken to a top secret holding facility somewhere, submerged in the Artic ocean by the Justice Society of America's Jet. 

Taken by Task Force X, Tehtadam is Processed, Shackled, put in cyrosleep and attached to a breathing tube.  Given that Thetadam has surrendered and Ishmael is dead, they could have just finished it here with all the loose ends tied up.

OH, YOU WISH THIS WAS FINISHED! 

While Atom Smasher and Cyclone babysit a now recovered Amon with a Dress up Cape (I'm pretty sure he's at least old enough to be at Eye level to the Top shelf magazines,  he's at least old enough to know what Fasc*sm Is!) We see Ishmael's bodybag, glowing with the same lightning controlled by Black Adam. In the cockpit of the Jet, Kent is still dreaming of Hawkman's death, he wakes from it, on Hawkman's distress. Kent tells Carter that he believes Hawkman is still going to die. 

Carter says he doesn't fear dying. 

He COULD have mentioned his powers/Curse meant he's died too often, and Kent would've said something like "You're too Valuable!' Or "The World can't wait for a new Hawkman to be born!' But no, DC makes comic book films for comic book fans and if they don't flat out tell you back story, it implied! AND IT'S REALLY BLOODY ANNOYING!

Kent tells Carter of his childhood during the Blitz Era in London, how he felt no pride in Seeing the Soldiers parade on deployment, he never cheered or waved a flag, he knew at a young age they were going to die, they were Soldiers. And it's a Soldier mentality to give his life for a greater good.

FORESHADOWING!

In the Ship's Computer Room, Arianna and Cyclone are puzzled to why Ishmael read the Proverb on the crown wrong.  Then they realize the Ancient Kandaqi have symbols like Kanji that be read upside down and still make sense, but the Symbol for Life looks like the symbol for Death when Inverted.  In other words,  THEY have been reading it wrong! And by reading it correctly,  Ishmael purposely died so his soul could be sent to the Rock of Finality (SURE! LET'S GO WITH THAT!), To make a Contract with the demons of the crown of Sabbac, like Black Adam, Ishmael invokes Sabbac's name so he can use Ishmael's corpse as a conduit to become the Demon Champion, SabbaAHAHAHAHA!

Ladies and Gentlemen, our Film's big Bad, The Crispy Cretin!

So Sabbac is just Yet another Pound Shop Superman with Demon Fire added for extra flavour. Despite the JSA holding their own, The writers are still treating Sabbac as the thing we were being lead up to. Sabbac's goal is to sit on the Throne in the Palace, therefore gaining his true powers, So Hawkman, Cyclone and Atom Smasher ascend the Palace's Staircase, only to be reflected by Dr Fate's Forcefield, he has found a way to prevent Carter's Death, by Sacrificing himself. Kent says he's lived a full life, and wants his team to do the same on his memory. 

That's all great and all, but Now the film has Shown it doesn't understand Dr Fate, Either.

The Helm of Naboo, Puppets It's Wearer(s) by Granting it his powers. When the current Dr Fate Dies, That Wearer's Body is teleported, body and soul til the end of time to a pocket Dimension where the Lords of Order reside,  leaving a Helm, that once unclaimed flew throughout the universe, killing well meaning Do-gooders and would be villains for not being worthy,  til Naboo had to be reasoned with by Kent's Ghost. So if this was lore accurate Dr Fate who died, not only would the people have to deal with Literal Satan, but also contend with a Judgemental self aware Holy Relic killing innocent people for being rightfully scared to fight!

Despite using every trick in the spellbook, Dr Fate telepathically reaches out to Tehtadam, freeing him from cyrosleep.  As Task Force X Soldiers Try to contain him, Dr Fate tells the world is not Black and White anymore,  the world doesn't need a white Knight, it needs  something....Darker.

Tehtadam shows his "Growth" and "Character Development" by only killing one jobber. As Black Adam swims to escape his submerged underwater Prison, Sabbac Punches a hole through Kent's chest, his lifeforce entering the helmet as his body turns to ash to enter the helmet, which as it falls, Sabbac kicks it away with angered annoyance. As he claims the Throne he summons the Legion of Hell....aka Stock Monsters from a Terrible Mobile Game!

Hey, Do you want to know how to make an Audience scoff at the Threat by a Villian?

You make the Comic Relief save the day by grand Entrance with a love Song blaring on the radio of his Volkswagen which he uses to run over Zombies and crack jokes about it!

Seriously 3 Superheroes can't Fight Sabbac Directly, but a fat man armed with a Hippy Wagon and a length of Pipe can smack around Zombies with armour and Swords? 

Drowning in the Artic Ocean, Black Adam believes it's his time, as he Sees his wife and Harut in a near death experience. But since a Near Death Experience is nothing more than Our Brain telling us to die or Not, OF COURSE, THE EGOTIST PLAYED BY ANOTHER EGOTIST Would imagine his family telling him he can do more!

Back in Kandaq, Amon finds Citizens in Fear, and like Harut centuries before, he put his hands in the shape of a triangle and rallies the people. After all Arianna and Kareem are fighting the zombies and if A Single Mother in fairly good shape and a fat man armed with Pipes can do it, I'm pretty certain Anyone can take them!

The Words of the Kandaqi People finding their courage and Freedom, Revitalizes Thetadam, However, just because the people have done what he wanted and not worship him like a hero, he still likes to hot-dog and grandstand for their love and appreciation! Like when Sabbac uses a flame thrower to topple the very same Statue, Atom Smasher toppled repeatedly earlier (How did they reerect it so quickly?) and it's about to crush Amon, only for Black Adam to save his life yet again!

TRIGGER WARNING FOR INJURY AND DEATH!

Sabbac and Black Adam Face-off, the Demon Champion's Eternium filled claws and Horns Damaging Black Adam. Amon on his skateboard lead all the Kandaqi to face the demon Horde. Reeling from the cuts and Lacerations, Sabbac is About to deal the final blow, that's when Hawkman's mace pierces Sabbac Back through his stomach. Unfazed, Sabbac Kills Hawkman the same way He did to Dr Fate, But when Hawkman's body disintegrates into ash just like Dr fate and the hawkman helmet falls at his killers feet-A MIRACLE HAPPENS! Hawkman materializes as the new DR FATE, His costume modified for the Lord of Order's powers!

So lets finish this!

Using a Clone Spell, Hawkmen Bum Rush Sabbac as Cyclone and Atom Smasher Join the rebellion, Black Adam Grabs Sabbac by the horns and flies up into the air, and Does a Raiden Mortal Kombat Fatality on him by electrocuting him and rending him in half. With Sabbac Dead, the Undead Dissolve, the people cheer, and Black Adam helps Hawkman up, Who Only gained the power of Naboo temporarily, With it's duty Done, Naboo Disappears into the Ether. The Justice Society Goes to leave, they thank Black Adam, But they warn him Not to Push his Luck. With the people Below chanting his name, Adam considers leading them, he stills on the throne in the palace and when Arianna asks him how it feels, he answers it feels "Wrong". With that he flies out and Crushes the throne. It feels wrong for him to Lead, When he feels he could do better Protecting them. But he needs a New Name, Tehtadam is too old fashioned so when Arianna asks what did he have in mind. We get Title Drop instead to close out.

I didn't even Notice that!

I've being calling him Black Adam, because that is the name of this film, And never noticed that noone called him that throughout in the 1 hour and fifty minute run time!

In the post Credit Stinger, Amanda Waller (Viola Davis) threatens Black Adam through a drone, telling him to never leave Kandaq or his departure will be treated as a declaration of War. Black Adam doesn't take the Threat too Kindly, so he blasts the drone. However, hiding in the smoke made from the drone, a figure descends from the sky and a Man's voice tells him he's being waiting to for this moment, As Superman (Henry Caville) makes himself Known, which only makes the Poster Scene Earlier in this film, Hilarious In Hindsight!

THIS FILM SUCKS! AND IT'S ALL ROCK THE DWAYNE'S FAULT!

He and his Now Ex wife Dani Garcia, who must be in great terms to still Work and Coat-tail Ride each other to get jobs, are Named as Executive Producers. and it Shows. You thought Fighting with my Family was an Ego-trip, One where Rock Put in a lie About Meeting Saraya before she joined WWE so she can tell Rock how much she looked up to him? THIS IS WORSE! THIS IS THE REAL LIFE DWAYNE JOHNSON-This is Executive Dwayne, The "Final Boss" Who makes everything about him...

But doesn't show up when it matters!

The Plot is A*s! -We have a Tough, Uncompromising Anti-Hero...and it's this character we are giving a little buddy to protect?

And Amon Doesn't even work in that Regard. He's not a cute little kid, he's old enough to look at most adults at Eye level, he's old enough to understand what's going on politically, and yet he's dumb enough to have his attention swayed by a Child's Cape.

Another Glaring Issue is Accessibility,  I'm sure there are reviews by reviewers with more knowledge of DC than I have. But I'm sure there are reviewers with no knowledge or interest in Comics, solely have a knowledge of film and will only judge this as a film. So they will only judge by what they see. Which isn't a lot. We get bare minimum and Fan W*nk when it comes to Character Development, "Red Tornado " appears on Maxine's ID and never explained, And we are never told who he is or what it means. We never hear "Targar" "Targarians", "Hawkgirl "or "Shayera" from Hawkman...

AND IT'S NOT LIKE SHE DOESN'T EXIST IN THE DCU! SHE JUST DOESN'T EXIST...YET!

... nor do we ever hear "Naboo" or "Inze" from Dr Fate. All these terms, are vital to the characters. It'll be like if Spiderman never mentioned Aunt May or Uncle Ben in the run time of his film. Ishmael/Sabbac is not worth any build-up, I'm just glad Sabbac was played by someone in great shape and not the Gangly Weakling covered in red paint!  Atom Smasher's entire motivation and plot Thread is simply just "HURDUR, I LIEK A GURL!"

And now to the main plot!

A Testosterone Poisoned Ego Trip and Power Fantasy,  With Questionable Terrorist Viewpoints from Mostly Muslim Characters. With our Star when he can be bothered to be seen,  phoning it in his lines and not raising his voice higher than the tone you speak in when a dog does it's business in front of you, Johnson is at his most Robotic I've ever seen him, if it's actually him we see, most of the fight scenes are CGI. Coupled with the terrible Sound mixing, that forced me to watch this with film with Subtitles to understand what people are saying over flashes of lightning and blaring gunfire. Oh the soundtrack needs special mention, Classic Rock Songs only put in because Warner can pay for them, but the Official Black Adam theme is so painful to listen to- A Repeated Guitar Chord and Autotuned women screaming.

If ContentId was not a thing, I would have a link to the Aural Abuse that plagues you in the opening and Closing Credits. 

As bad as this film is, Surprisingly this is only the SECOND worst Dwayne Johnson film ever made, there is actually one even worse,  A film so bad, it's promotional consideration on WWE, using the film's key plot device, became a buzzword for the very worst of the last years of the Vince Mcmahon Regime.

But that is a Story for next year's Ticket to Hell!

CREDITS 

Black Adam was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited into Two Parts by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli)

With Media from:

In part 1

Black Adam

DC COMICS 

MST3K

FATE/Staynight

Guardians of the Galaxy

In Part 2

Bad movie Beatdown

MST3K

Batman vs Superman 

The Soon to be Released Superman (2025)

WWE

Red Notice

All media used belong to their respective owners. 

Black Adam is property of DC COMICS, which was Produced By Warner Bros. All rights reserved. 

NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE 

Because I'm reviewing World's Collide over on Enlightened Towers next month, the planned fan poll with be conducted in the next review, A Quiet Place Zero Hour.

TICKET TO HELL 

THE TWO DEATHS OF E 

FINAL CHAPTER

THE SECOND DEATH!

When Eamonn did his review, as Joe-Jack said, the trail of power send them to the Realm known as The Grey Area, A Dimension where forgotten are judged on their fates, and where Eamonn Bermingham, seemingly the last dvd reviewer, was taken to be a Museum piece, to he mocked by Aliens. 

These Judges, the Sephiroth, the Appraisers of Will, with Death and a creature called Herr Doktor as their bounty hunters and Bodyguards are formidable guards to these 10 creatures,  who are living treasures given voice and Sentience. Stripped our hero to make mockery of him for those who never seen a Human. 

Once the heroes and nuanced villains were made familiar of their drab surroundings. That's when the Humans of the group waned. Joe-Jack and Edwin only took one step, when they fell to their knees, gasping for breath.

"Oh Sh*t!"

"This Body...it's too weak....."

"Oi kant do anything...maybe I'm jus' stoopid an' useless....I'm nuffing without someone else...I'm nuffing without Misser Eamonn....without Mammie.....My Mammie!

Easy, Easy! It's the effect of the Grey Area, it has a negative effect on meatbags like you, I'm sure it feels like....

-Attending your own funeral?

-That's one way to put it!

-Maybe that's why They Bought Eamonn here, to dissuade Him from Escaping.

-aBSOLUTELY tHE cASE! iF hE fELT lIKE eSCAPE wAS iMPOSSIBLE, hE mAY hAVE aCCEPTED hIS dEATH. 

-Well I'm not going to accept that he died in some cage, when I sent all these years, plotting my revenge. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE HE'S DEAD,  BECAUSE I AM THE ONE, WHO IS DESTINED TO K*LL HIM, NOT THEM, NOT ANY OF YOU!

This statement made Edwin surge with energy,  like the Greyness Dissipated from his body. He stood, a resolve that was reinstated within him.

WOT? HOW?

I just remembered I have something to fight for, some earn for freedom, Justice, but let's be honest...Those are what I strive for as Rage, all I care is The felling of whatever sucka dumb enough to throw hands!

What about you, Joe-Jack? Do you have any thing worth fighting for.

(Deep Breath)

........No.......

(After a great deal of walking, which only served to Drive a wedge between the group, who hated each other so much, that any utterance of that fact would be wasted Breath. If anything else, of the many adventures, this may have being the first quest where there was no army or Assassins facing them, only because The Grey Area was in itself, it's own Defender. 

What seemed like an age, Joe-Jack found the invisible tower.

In typical fashion, by complete accident!

By walking face first into a unseen wall, Joe-Jack started to swing Fists and stood in a boxer's Stance.)

C'mon ya Ba****ds! Who's dat hitting us? 

Reaching out, he accidentally turned a doorknob and pratfalled into a corridor that looked like one of the an official building. 

Despite finding the entrance, Joe-Jack was still reeling from the depression.  Falling over just made things worse.

iS tHE hUMAN fUNCTIONING cORRECTLY?

YEAH (!) Everything iz sunshine n Fecking Rainbows, So it is!

tHE aBSENCE oF cOLOUR mAKES yOUR sTATEMENT iMPOSSIBLE!

JAYSUS....WILL YE KNOT BE AT ME? I JUS' FOUN' DA FLOOR AN I DON'T WANNA LEAVE DA PLAICE I WILL DIE!

And why do want to do that, don't you want to save your Friend.

Friend? Oi Don't fink we ever are dat!

Wait, Aren't you friends? Someone explain. 

Yeah, firs' time I met Misser Eamonn, I Tried To K*ll him! 

Really? Why?

I taught he was makin' fun of me. An...he was! I felt like he was taking over my life. An so I Invaded his review, and instead of attacking me, he offered me a place in his review.  Then Eamonn reviewed when Ostrich tried to invade Earf, Then da First Ticket to Hell happened, and DA Rest as they Say is Histrionic! Gawd, DA Stories I use totally Mammie, WEN she went t Heavens car dat one time,  she where more excira abou' being on a Hellycoppah. So when she sawed magic an' Flying Horse, an gian glowing Fly headed Gawds, she woz beside herself!

.....Well, if anything, won't it make sense to continue?

WADDYAMEAN?

Well, Eamonn's life is in Danger,  on both sides, if we find him alive, Edwin will destroy him and we don't know what these Appraisers of Will are capable of, and despite one is malfunctioning, I doubt a perfectly working one will see sense, either.

So you owe it to him, Friend or no, to show him you are not the Sidekick anymore, and moreover that you are reliable as your own man.

I don't fink oi has da Konfeedense dat youse all have.

"Well, I tried!" Jusef Said straightening up and walking to join the others. 

qUESTION fOR yOU, hUMAN.

-Sure, what is it.

wHY aRE yOU uNAFFECTED bY aLL tHIS?

Easy. My World is so ruined and oppressive, that being in a place where you can see is grey and all you hear is faint voices, it's.....what's a good word for it.....oh....comforting!

wE sEE, pERHAPS wE cAN...rEMEDY tHE eARTH-3 gAME...

Eventually, the Group made it's way to the Bulk of the Mueseum, as the floor was now filled with the track-lines made to aid the Appraisers in their Movement. 

From a Balcony, shots were fired at them. 

I'm werry Sorry,  But Ze Exhibitions are currently closed to ze Public. If you refuse to Leave....

WE'LL DROP YOU ALL WHERE YOU STAND!

Well, well, If it isn't Pestilence! I haven't seen you since we Gave Blankets to some Natives! You Still owe me Five Deutschmark, Ya Bum!

Weight, it's not a real Doctah?

Vatt is a Bettah Vay, to get close to You Hairless Guinea Pigs? So Curious, So Fragile....So very Trusting!

Okay I know Pestilence,  I don't know who The love child of Pinocchio and Billy the Kid is. 

Weight? You don't recognise him? He says he's Death.

Why Would Death take that form? Or any form? Who are you really? 

Hehe hehe hehe..... Just because you don't believe who I say am, why can't I be Death?

(The Puppet Reaper teleported down a floor to face the heroes. Pestilence now that his identity was exposed, undid the Buttons and buckles of his plague Doctor Costume, as the gas that animated the body. As the cloud of gas lifted the slumped garments and Gas Canister and flung it towards the heroes,  which they dodged, before the winds reconstituted into the humanoid form. Its arms outstretched and his masked face looking that them In a smug high angle as if to say, at any moment..."TAH DAH!")

So will handle village People and this gasbag?

I was hoping you would deal with Herr Doktor.

Besides what mercenary would not take the chance and face Death? I will go down as a legend. 

Legends Die....Just the rest of you!

We'll hold off death and Pestilence, the rest of you, Find Eamonn.

And they found him, surrounded by 9 of the Appraisers. 

I-KETHER-WILL-SPEAK: Human, this is how you show us your gratitude? We saved you from Societial Extinction. But you humans love to bite the hand that feed you?

I GEBURAH WILL SPEAK: So we degree your Exhibition is is now a Stay Of Execution. And a brief one!

I-TIFERET-WILL-SPEAK: CAN WE JUST KILL THIS INGRATE? WE'VE BEING NOTHING BUT KIND BUT IT'S KEEPS GOING  ON ABOUT HIS "FREEDOM" AND "TROUSERS". 

Ya, Speakin' ov, Wat is ya Wearin'? It wasn't enough to use a Child's Ironing Man Glove, now you look like a Fecking Oscar Wif Red bits!

Thank you for telling me know how I look. I guess mankind will never lose the concept of a mirror.

Wat is this clothes, did they make you where Dat?

No....they didn't make me wear anything! 

Ya mean fer ya Birfday....dey left ya in yer birfday Suit? HAHAHA!

Are we done, we need to meet Chesed.

Chestnut, who dat?

She's our out. She's taking a big chance to get me back to our plain of existence. 

Weight. "SHE? " Da Gawd Babbys tole me, one of these Applicatah's went Screwy, and it was a women!

It's already happened, It was Binah, the Sephiroth of Understanding, she had found me in my attempts to escape. This Suit, the Digital  Pilgrim, can be removed without a trace. BUUUUUT....Not quick enough for people not to notice.

So for you to say, one of the 2 females to malfunction and the one of Understanding to be unreasonable makes sense.

I-CHESED-WILL-SPEAK : came the digitised voice from the Canister. 

"We are close, gather your friends and we will Escape."

It was the rogue Sephiroth Chesed, who had her Pod modified with weaponry, to see the embodiment of kindness, the Treasure that was the Umbilical cord of the First Being, (Impossible as that would be!) Shoot a tank gun, shocked The Cosmic Entities. 

bUT tHAT iS....

I KETER WILL SPEAK: We have survived for eons, and seen off every civilisation who tried to steal our Knowledge and power. We have seen them all fade to dust. What makes you think, despite turning our sister. That will win?

I BINAH WILL SPEAK: Sister....don't do this!....

Something in Joe-Jack's empty head, echoed in his mind...Something the Cosmic Entities said

"The Malfunctioning Sephiroth has forsaken its Duty for its base programming..."

HOLD ON!....IT'S YOUS!

You're the da Traitor!

-WHAT?

And....That's where we end it, sorry for the Cliffhanger, but I recently had my 40th Birthday,  so there was some time constraints with that and some Local Government issues that had to get dealt with.

So I'll see you next month for A Quiet Place: Day One. Where we will start a new storyline.

Eamonn reviews Free Guy

 Decay of a Dream. Chapter 2

What Price, Progress?

As quickly as the "Seeds" had buried into a continent each, as Quickly as their screws gathered material, no matter what it was, as quickly as the the sacks like filled Lungs pulsated under the weight of their Plunder, as quickly as the Terror and noise had started, it Stopped just as abruptly, the collective mass straining against the Fabric of the Lungs that overshadowed the run down hovel of a former BNB That Joe-Jack lived in and was hiding in.

Stumbling out, confused, Joe-Jack full of fear of what this "Lung" was, prodded it with one of his broad, Unwashed fingers.

With Comedic Timing , this is when It decided to 

"POP!"

WITH A LOUD BANG! THE LUNG POPPED!

And inside, What a Religious person would call a miracle, as whatever was salvaged from the Excavating Process, in the Case of the Graveyard of his front Garden: stone, wood, The Bodies of his Father's victims, all where broken down to the atomic level with Technology beyond our understanding, and reconstituted into a grand Building of Sorts. And this was Done 6 more times on the planet with more Disasterous  Results- Sydney Australia it's entire Population around the harbour area slain. In Africa whole Species, destroyed! And the South Pole, there was no justification for the Ecological damage There!

Soon Camera Spiders and Camera Hound Droids. Materialized from Portals. The Same Magictech that Stitched Camera Parts to Necrosis-ridden Flesh was now planting a Seed, that grew into a Plinth. Soon Sabaru was on the podium, with her G-Men, justifying that scarring the World was Done, as a gift from the Message of Hope, that was Created all those years ago, so there was no way, it was intentional for all the death that Took place today, because, she had just created 7 Galactic Academies, A School that will Train and House the Future and Hope of not just the Human Race, But of all Sentient beings!

They all Bought it! Much to Satanic Ostriches Disapproval.

So this is how the Fall of Society Starts, With Selfies taking with Their Destroyers.

Wot?

Not here! Let me Take you somewhere that not even Saburu can reach. 

Joe-Jack was lead to a back-alley, where Eamonn looked from the Podium and saw the suspicious activity of his now Former Friends. His mind Poisoned by Manipulation and False Memories, He viewed his friends no more than Spiteful Vigilantes. He Grabbed Joe-Jack during an Ambush when the Shard in his Fist manifested a DVD! He lets go of his former ally and looked at the DVD, was there A Higher Power trying to tell him something? Or was this months review some kind of sick joke?

AND NOW! OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!

Wow...This Cover tells me Nothing about this film or its plot!

It's Just Ryan Reynolds With a Paper Coffee cup and a Goldfish Bowl Smiling. Cropped In front of Explosions and Crazy Nonsense behind him, but it's Framed as a Group Shot From other Headshots, with Jodie Comer, Lil Rel Howery, A Guy in a Bunny Suit, and to Make Sure the Normies Know it's a Film about Dem Dar Vidja Games- we have a Nerd and a Influencer Douchebag. Also Reynolds On A Motorbike flying through the Air With Comer Straddling The Bike, Guns Blazing!

WHY IS THIS NOT THE COVER?

But Back to Video Games, And I Usually Pay No Mind to the Back of DVDs and any Blurb, But the Description had to be Made Fun of. You see the Plot of Free Guy is about the Populous of a Video Game becoming self aware. But the words used show that this is a Fox Film Who are Equally Ignorant And Combative To Video Games, Describe Ryan Reynolds' Character as a "Background PLAYER in a Video Game"

A Background PLAYER In A Game Where Real Players Play!

The Term The Forty plus aged Check Chaser who wrote this crap was looking for is NPC. It's not a new term and the Game that their News arm is always using to scapegoat all Games, GTA, is full of them, as is this Film, it's Apparent it's written by both a camp of Games Are Bad, M'Kay? And Parents Trying to be Down Wif Da Yuff!

So with that Said, Welcome to Free City, Home of Free Guy! 

So Guy Explains That the Human players are Known as the Sunglasses People Who on this GTA-esque Game can Basically do what the Fuck they want, breaking laws and Still be thought as cool by the Populous. 

Including Guy (Reynolds), A Bank Teller who is living his best life. He had a Flat, A Goldfish , A Best Friend, (Howery), There is one thing he doesn't have, and that's Someone in his life, Though 200 dollars for some Air Jordans would be nice too!  

As a Bank Teller in A GTA-world, Robberies are like Clockwork for him that even robbed Is a minor inconvenience for him, (though the cops Disarm themselves when it happens) so  instead they talk about a Barista that Guy is interested in.

In a Back Alley, A Masked Man is Accosted By A Mysterious Sunglasses Woman (Comer). The Man is a Hacker who has proof of Secret Levels and Source Codes.  Getting what she wants she shoots the man dead. She walks past NPCS and mimics there Programmed Dialogue and into Guy while she is Singing Mariah Carey's Fantasy and this gets his attention not only because of how she looks. She Mocks what Guy usually says (Which is "Don't have a Good Day, have a Great Day!") But is shocked to hear him react to her Singing. Despite Buddy trying to tell him that she is a Sunglasses Person, he wants to at least try to ask her out. So he follows her to Train tracks where he is ran over.

In the real world, Millie (Also Comer) is a former Programmer who is suing the supposed "Creator" of Free City, before he can launch The Sequel to his game.

Guy wakes the Next day his Programming resetting, But here's the thing, He Remembers Dying, so he is Slowly becoming Self Aware, Even if it's Small Steps like Ordering something Different at the Coffee Shop, and even that gets a Shocking reaction.

The Daily Bank Robber Happens and Guy sees The Girl, so he goes to steal the Sunglasses from the Giant Black Male Robber, (it's Dwayne Johnson who was Uncredited) who in real life are 2 foul-mouthed 10 year old girls, Because VIDEO GAMES ARE BAD M'KAY!

Can you Get off that Fucking Horse for once, FOX?

So because Guy wants to talk to the Girl, He Accidentally kills the Player for their Sunglasses, He Runs out to put them on and ....

Something like that, it instead turns his Vision into a HUD and Minimap Designed by someone with ADHD!

He is now able to see the World as it is And interact with power ups and in game Money, Something that gets the Attention of the nerd from the cover, Keys. He shows his Friend Mouser the Footage from the game. At first Mouser thinks it's a Rouge Player who Somehow "Wrapped"his Avatar with an NPC skin skin ( this is a real Practice done by Modders) But as Admins on the Server it's there job to check it out!

After Buying the Sneakers, Guy goes to where he Died Yesterday and Sees Beyond the Tracks a Literal Backdoor, but before he can Go any further, Keys and Mouser, in their avatars of Stripper Cop and Bunny Suit Cop Calls him over thinking he is A player, Guy is confused about their demands to remove his skin, So he runs into a Burnt down block of flats, Which Mouser, as a developer can warp reality to get to Guy. But the Air Jordans literally have a Double Jump power up inside them Which Guy uses to Escape,  and manifests a bubble suit when he descends. He claims to be invincible as he wriggles out, But gets ran over by Keys and Mouser's Police car.

They Log off, But Keys is Dumbfounded, The Number of players did not change. Mouser Does not want Keys to report to "Anton" who is too busy with the Sequel launch that he'll no doubt fire them for not Launching a perfect Game

PPPFFFFT!!!!!

That's not how you make money in video games in the 20s!

YOU HAVE TO SELL A GLITCHY HALF FINISHED GAMES FOR CHRISTMAS FOR €60 AND THEN SELL SOFTWARE PATCHES FOR A FIVER EACH TIME! 

Mouser asks If Keys wants to go for a drink after  work. But Keys Declines. Mouser Asks Why Keys, A Master Degree Recipient and a Former Studio owner is doing stuck as a Admin for this game, And he says it's a long story.... Which will now be told in flashback!

So Walter McKey and Millie Rusk use to be a team of Game Developers, Who's game Boasted AI that could evolve, But that Game was not going to be like GTA, But a Sandbox game, a Game that's not competitive or Mission based, but you can do the things you can do real life, Camp, build a house, Cook, fish, whatever you can do really. These games do exist and they do have their fans.

During an interview, Millie Foreshadows that she is a Glory-Seeker and That Keys is a Shy Guy who can't spit it out! And that they are not a Couple. And that their game will be published by Tsunami games.

HMMMMMM!

A Gaming Company Ran by Pieces of Shit, who are Named after a Natural Disaster?

I WONDER WHO THAT'S SUPPOSE TO BE?

And the Worst thing? It's probably not even a Real Slam Against Blizzard. Fox Probably Picked the name at random because it Sounded cool!

The Interview is played on Keys' TV despite Him just entering after being at work the whole time, who was watching that?

Turns out, it was Millie, Who is trying to get Keys to testify against Anton. But said had put an NDA on her Contacting his Employees, and For Record, as far as he knows, didn't steal Life2Live, he Bought it after it tanked!

Guy Wakes up the Next Day and changes his Outfit to something more Casual, Sure it's Still a Blue Shirt and Corduroy Slacks, But It's because his not Going to Work, Until he can talk to Millie, Who is trying to break into the Free City 2 Beta-Which Is Conceptualized as A Heavily guarded Mansion, Until Guy shows up and Blows her cover. Millie uses her Coding Know how to Make a Matrix-Style Armoury out of a blank space, But she Thinks Guy is just a Human with no idea how to play. He wants to Help But he doesn't want to Kill to Boost his Level, So Millie Suggests Discarding guns and Saving civilians to boost his level can work too!

We Have A montage of  Guy Doing Just that, Doing good deeds and Disarming Players. While in the Real World, People are Taking Notice Fox and F(r)iends pretend to give a shit, Gamers are Complaining, Content Creators are Make Videos (With Cameos by Ninja and Jacksepticeye!) Even Kids are Cosplaying as Blue shirt Guy-even though the Game is NOT FOR CHILDREN!

Guy Goes to the bank and tries to Convince Buddy that he can change too and steals Glasses from a New Robber, But He Refuses to Join after Lecturing a Prostitute NPC to make better life choices. Guy keeps the new pair just in case.

Millie Calls Keys at, Work and he is Convinced To Help her break into the Beta, But only to confirm if his code was Stolen before Purchase, So he sneaks to the toilet to allow Millie into the Beta, She steals Source code, but It's Booby Trapped, Spawning Bodyguards as part of Anton's Security Protocol until Guy shows up and Takes them out, So Anton Spawns...Cowboys, Ninjas, Samurai and Boxers-DUH COS DEM HAVE VIDJA GAMES TOO, DON'T DEY?

Yeah They Do!

Just Not when that game in context is of a Modern Crime Ridden Los Angeles. Okay maybe the Boxer makes sense!

Face it! You Just wanted  Costume dept. to have something to do!

Keys asks Millie Who are Talking You Too, and Confirms that there is no other Human Players there. Outnumbered, They smash through a Widow on a Bike before Hang-gliding out of there. Keys Gets a Message Informing him that Anton has just arrived at Tsunami-Which is spelled Soonami

BECOZ PUR LITRA-C IZ.....

...COMPLETELY PAR THE COURSE FOR A FILM DEMONIZING COMPUTER GAMES AND IT'S CULTURE!

Anton Finally Makes his presence felt and he's a Man-child who is EEJIT-LON, M SHITE SHITTYFILM, Uwe Boll and Vince Russo wrapped in a Child's Shark Slippers and Boxing Robe combined into a Ultimate Toolbox having a midlife crisis, and like the people I mentioned, he is a pompous Jackass who was lucky to make money, by working for the people who really had the ideas, Before convincing people of his crappy ones!

He's here to Discuss the Blue Shirt Guy Glitch, But he Doesn't want it fixed, He loves the Free Publicity his Game is getting, So he wants the Art department to make a Blue shirt guy Skin for Free City 2. Keys Confronts his Boss that he said Free City 2 was Backwards Compatible with Free City, Confirming that it is a Web Browser game Online, Not a game on Console. For those Clueless as the Writers of this film, Games online, never have to worry about being sequels, because Updates are made at intervals without having to close the game down completely to sell a new game.

Anton However is Going to shut Down the Whole Server, Wipe the slate Clean, expect every player to make new accounts to start from scratch in a new Game. WHY?

Because Keys Has this Problem with Speaking his mind, he turns down A promotion from Anton and then the Asshole says this!-

"OH THANK GOD! I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE PAYING YOU MORE,ANYWAY!"

ARE YOU SURE THIS FILM IS NOT REALLY ABOUT BLIZZARD?

Back in Free City, Millie Sees Guy who has leveled up his Apartment into a Batcave, But Millie is Convinced Guy is a Hacker

She drops it When Guy asks her if she wants to get some ice-cream. So They Go to the waterfront the safest part of this Open World Game.

And if you didn't find the Paradox in that last sentence, You are as Clueless on Modern Games as FUX NEWS ARE!

The Ice-cream man sells Bubblegum ice-cream, A Reminder that it's her Favourite Flavour. It seems that there are little in-jokes between Millie and Keys encoded in Free City. And it seems Millie is Falling for Guy.

Meanwhile Back at Soonami, Keys is going through the Game's Assets, Namely it's Base Coding on it looks and Acts. He sees some changes in the NPC's who interacted with Guy, But he opens Guys File and his programming rivals that of A full game itself and it's getting smarter. Millie kisses Guy after being candid about her Childhood. As she gets a knock on the door.

It's Keys and he is now convinced Anton Bombed Life2Live to steal their coding. Guy is starting to change the people around him, The Barista had started serving Cappuccino (OFF SCREEN) And The Prosecute is writing Anti-Patriarchal  journal entries (OFF SCREEN) Millie confesses to kissing Guy, But Keys pretends to care, because they are "Just Friends" 

The Next-day, Millie shows Guy what lies Beyond the Backdoor. Millie Doesn't spare Guys feelings, His World is a Game and in two days time, Free City will cease to Exist!  Naturally being told you are Living in The Matrix , Your life is a lie, And you Feelings are not real and you too would go mad from the Revelation!

After trying in vain to get NPCS to change, He Goes to Buddy's and asks him what he would do what he was told what he was told.

Buddy takes it well, and says he wouldn't care, His Human Form isn't real, But his Humanity is. Doing what's right and feeling how you feel is The Realest thing in the World. And  it's all that matters.

Breaking into Beta, they meet a Security guard who is Channing Tatum, who is really a Nerd running a Stream.

Film, you have Real Streamers in your film. YOU PAID REAL STREAMERS TO BE IN YOUR FILM, SO YOU KNOW STREAMERS DON'T LOOK LIKE BASEMENT DWELLERS ANYMORE!

Excited that a Legend has Appeared on his Stream. Tatum let's Guy take the data he was Guarding. It's already patched and Encrypted so take it. There is one Favour though, He wants to be Killed by Blue Shirt Guy for Clout! 

When he Refuses, That's when FOX decides to just pile more Firewood on their Anti Video game Bonfire!

Channing's User is Using a Game's Chatroom To Groom Children!

.....

Talking to Millie's Logged off Avatar, until she returns and He has changed his mind. He wants to save his world. When she logs in, he gives Millie the Data!

The Amount of Press That Guy is Getting in the Real World is making people consider playing the Game without killing-Something that Pisses off Anton-If people are still playing Free City 1-they won't Pay for Free City 2. So Anton Orders to Wipe the Server. It Freezes Everyone in place except guy. Just before he was going to tell Millie where he Saw Live2life on City after she shows him Data. Everyone is deleted and rebooted to their Original Programming. Millie Returns to Convince Guy but For a Programmer she forgets that Guy needs Sunglasses to be Convinced.

But There is Hope, Keys phones Millie to tell her, That Guy's AI is so advanced now his Programming Now acts like Amnesia to the Wiping-The Memories are still there, So she kidnaps Guy give him spare Sunglasses and Kisses him working like a Reserve Superman Kiss!

So Guy Shows Millie where he has seen Life2live, he Angles his Metallic Blinders in his Apartment, to catch the light turning Free City Outside into a Tropical Island. Millie Realises that Anton was too Stupid and too lazy to make a game from her data, he just coded new data over it! But because of his Shoddy Coding Noone can pass the limits of Free city. So Guy has a plan, he recruits every NPC By telling them the Truth with Millie, their plan? Go on Strike! As the next day happens The players see no NPC as they can't rob anything! Mouser "Rats Out " (RIMSHOT!) Keys and Millie Because of something Guy said to Tatum-The True Identity of Molotov Girl-aka Millie Rusk- oh yeah, apparently her Avatar had a name the whole time.

Anton wants Millie's Avatar Dead, But Mouser Says her Spoofed Account is Iron-clad. So Anton wants to Turn off Respawning in Game. Mouser Tells Anton that if his customers are killed, Then it's over for that Account. But here's when Anton Does Act like Vince Russo-Literally Saying "WHO CARES, BRO?"

All of Mouser's Team Start Collapsing Reality, But Keys is on the inside, playing Spoiler. So Anton tells the Art Department to upload "THE DUDE", Despite being Half finished with 50% intelligence. While Anton Confesses that Key's "Stupid Game where Noone kills!" Wouldn't have made Money, With Proof Keys mashes one button to create a single bridge, But Anton has ordered every player account to be wiped from the Server just to destroy Millie. As Keys is thrown out, he Streams his Dismissal in Secret  including Anton's Mental Breakdown, By Unveiling The Dude, A Buff Amalgamation of Guy and Anton. Buddy Comes to the Rescue But gets knocked down like Guy's Sunglasses, He Crawls to Get them and he fights back with the Power of REFERENCES!

Not Game references, I Doubt Fox Would Even Get those!

So Guy defeats the Dude With Captain America's Shield ( With Chris Evans doing a Cameo), Hulk's fist a Lightsaber and they do have 2 gaming weapons, namely the Gravity Gun from Half-Life, and the Portal Gun from the Eponymous Game. They Tussle, Until Guy puts his Spare Sunglasses on the Dude, who is instantly distracted by all the pretty colours.

But Anton has a second plan-Destroy the Servers with his Axe. Causing parts of free City to be Deleted one at a time, even NPCS scream in pain and terror as they are erased, Bubby Sacrifices himself  by pushing Guy forward to tank a Deletion for his friend, to make sure Guy Crosses the Bridge As the World watches Free City being Destroyed.

So it all seems lost, But Guy has landed on a Tropical Island, So Millie makes a Deal with Anton, she will drop the Lawsuit if he hands over the Intellectual Rights of Live2Life back to her and Keys.

So let's Finish this!

Time Skip And Anton Without Power over people more capable than him, and Soonami Declares Bankruptcy when Free City 2 Flops. Life2live and Free City 1 have Combined into one World as Free Life-Powered by a kickstarter Company ran by Keys, Millie and Mouser. Millie longs on say Goodbye to Guy and when Guy tells her He loves Her, He Let's it be Known Key's Programmed Guy to Say that to finally Get It Out! On Free Life, Buddy is Revived, But Is kinda Sad when the Bank they work at no longer exists-So what do they do now? Guy puts a Jetpack on himself, gets Buddy to Hug him and tells him "Whatever They Want!"

THIS FILM SUCKS!

Despite the Great Last 10 minutes the First 100 Minutes are filled With Flat Stereotypes, Weak Jokes, and some of the Worst 3D Animation I've ever seen. It's thankfully Sparsely Used, But Even then it makes those Fake Mafia City Ads on Youtube look like Pixar in Comparison.

But there is One point That i Could not Ignore.

If this was a Film That was Produced by anyone else, This would be a Dumb Film About Video games Written by 40+plus People who never played Video games, But this is a film Created By Fox.

We are living in a More Dangerous Time than Any time War has Being Officially Declared. Sad to say it seems America has a Mass Shooting every month. Which Brings me to Why a Fox Film trying to be HAHA Funny about Video games Doesn't work.

If you are Reading this years later, you already Know who "THIS LITTLE BOY" Is. I will not be naming him directly, as to not humanize this Monster! But this School Shooter, BEGGED his Helicopter parents, the Type who give Money instead of Attention, to get him a gun for A GIFT. The same Gun he used to kill other Children in Oxford Massachusetts. His Journal was Found and Released showing Intricate Maps and Planning to Perform his Act. He made comments on How he had lost all hope on Humanity. On he will keep killing until the police would arrive. 

Every other News Outlet blamed his Parents, and Rightfully So, But FOX's Facebook ?

"Oh yeah-Dead Children-BUT WHAT VIDEO GAMES DID HE PLAY?"

So in conclusion-Free Guy-A stupid Film-made BY STUPID PEOPLE WITH A WITCHHUNTER ATTITUDE TO THE TOPIC OF THE FILM'S PREMISE!

CREDITS

Free Guy was Reviewed Compiled and Edited By Eamonn Bermingham. @RealEnli.mastodon.world and @REALENLI on Twitter.

With Media from

Free Guy

30 Rock

They Live

The Tom and Jerry Movie

One Punch Man

Free Guy is The Property Of 20th Century Fox. All Rights Reserved. All Images used belong to their  Respective Owners. 

NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!

Next time, we Do a Film that's actually Great....Which Historically Don't do so well on this Blog than any reviews that make me Angry.....It's time for a St Patrick's Day Special, With my review of Belfast!

Episode 149: Eamonn reviews Grown ups 2

(Part 1 can be found under the name Episode 148 Eamonn reviews truth or Dare? I may review bad films but even I have standards!)

PREVIOUSLY ON GROWN UPS 2...
Lenny's (Adam Sandler) dream of living it up back in the town he grew up in hit a snag when his daughter invited a deer to play with her, and it ended up pissing on Lenny, Curtis (Chris Rock) got Lenny's permission to use his house as the venue of a 80's party as the 1st day of summer arrives. Scumbag Typecast fathered a bulking 13 thug who has come to stay, and Fat man who falls down for a living, Falls down a Lot!

Buying Supplies for the party and Leaving Nick (Nick "Replacement Schiender" Swardson) in The Bedding display of the supermarket, the boys come across 2 more of the Busboys, Malcolm (the Only other black man in Fernando) and Cross-Eye in the outdoor department. Turns out Malcolm's son, Bumpty, is going to ask out Curtis' daughter Charlotte, something that makes Curtis Assault Malcolm.

Marcus Higgins (David "Scumbag Typecast" Spade) is buying a knife to protect himself from his son! Lenny asks Higgins to at least try to talk to Braden, Higgins and Cross-Eye gets onto Lenny for being a coward and letting a bully called Tommy Kavanaugh get away with tormenting him for so long, with Lenny stating her would take Tommy if he saw him again! Nick still high from pills crawls out of the bedding department and onto a toilet in the Bathroom department of a crowded supermarket, WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS NEXT?


Braden has enrolled in the same class as Lenny's son Greg and Curtis Jnr! True to his word Bumpty, the second coming of Urkel, has asked Charlotte on a date.

Back in the parking lot, Levinshaw teaches the boys how to "Burp-Snart"- Burp, Sneeze and Fart at the same time-this is a plot Point, it is something that Lenny is actually Jealous of Not being able to do, some Cops, one of them Shaquelle O'Neill, goes to arrest Nick and Curtis for what they did in the supermarket, but Shaq is Malcolm's brother, so he probably deserves it! It turns out Lenny is late for his daughter Ballet Recital, turns out all the Men get all excited and the cops give every man in town a full sirened Police Escort to get to the recital and we all learn why every man in Fernado, including those without children have invited themselves to the recital.

Yep to perve on A Russian's Bolshevik Be-Donkey Donks!


Ok, IS THIS A FILM, OH JUST A TELEVISED GAME OF ADLIBS? BECAUSE ALL YOU SEEM TO BE DOING IT TACKING ON SEPARATE THINGS WITHOUT ANY REAL PLOT?
Turns out the Ballet Teacher is married to Tommy Kavanaugh (Steve Austin) Kenny's old bully who's presence gives Lenny PTSD! Tommy says he over heard Lenny in the supermarket today talking all that shit about being able to "take him", and if he is just holding onto the past just like Kelly, Then that's just sad!

Speaking Of Kelly, the leader of the Busboys in the last film, he is still a busboy and still bitter. In fact the only satisfaction he gets is that Greg starts in the Restaurant Tonight and he gets to enjoy bossing him around, he then fixes an icecream machine filled with chocolate icecream that makes look like he is having a shit!

It's the last day of school and Braden, Greg And Curtis Jnr. Invade a College Party in a Lake in a quarry! At the same time, the dads go to the lake to dive off a cliff, and are accosted by what we have to accept as this film villains, a bunch of Frat-Boys led By Taylor Lautner. After losing an insult battle, the boys have to dive Naked.... BECAUSE SANDLER FILM!
 
Braden sees the whole thing, and vandalizes their Frathouse, and implicates his father and his friends.

To Help his bullied Son Kenny, Lenny teaches him to play Football, of course the lesson is supposed to be doing something productive instead of fighting But we all know it's going to end with a Kick to The Junk Because Sandler Film!

However Kenny is a Natural and it's not long before the entire team and coaching staff takes notice....Until Lenny trips and gets Kicked in the nuts and falls on Kenny and breaks his leg!

Told you! Only because he hadn't had a Groin Attack "Joke" Yet!

Braden is released back into Higgin's Custody, Sally finds out Eric has being spending more time with his mother than her, and Kenny has his leg plastered!

Curtis, who is a cable guy has being avoiding his hated mother-In-Law, who needs her cable fixed. we learned in the last film Curtis is a house-Husband and Grammy hates "Sissy-men", But it's Curtis who has the final say in whether the family puts her in a home or not!

Doesn't give him the right to mess to her, but mess with her he does!

Sally finds out Eric has being spending time with his mother, and it's because Sally made Eyes at her Yoga Instructor. When he learns he's gay and Sally and Eric Agrees that Looking is not Cheating. Sally Drives her Car into a Cheerleader's Bikini Carwash....Except the Car is being washed by MALE! Cheerleaders!

See? Like I said, you just can't be gay in A Sandler Film. You have to something demeaning on screen to PROVE! you're Gay!

So all the characters families are have dinner at the same time discussing the Disco and it is 80's themed, all the minor storylines are coming together, Mr's Reilly is told to move on from Lenny by Roxanne, Greg asks out the girls he crushes on!, Bumpty and Charlotte hit it off over a love of Music but Charlotte is to shy to Perform in public. Roxanne is Pregnant, Higgins gets back with Muscles. Nick reveals he is gay in front of Kyle. Bean turns out to be Musically Gifted to make up for the fact he's stupid (And it also means some Managerial type is going to take advantage of a talented illiterate years down the line!) , And Lenny misses a J. Giels Band Concert, because his tired Daughter wouldn't drink a whole Bottle of Nyquil so he can leave!

BINGO! WE HAVE A BINGO! ASSHOLE PARENTING GAVE ME SANDLER FILM CLICHE BINGO!

Greg trips over a wire, shutting down the band, Charlotte still singing along without realizing until the crowd cheers. With Kenny Unable to defend himself, Lenny and Tommy have a fight, But Tommy is sorry about all the bullying he did as a kid so throws the fight and leaves....And they could have used a Guy like Tommy, Because here comes the frat boys and they are armed!

NOW TO FLUSH THIS TURD!
With Charlotte and J Giels as Musical compliment, The costumed Townies fight with the fratboys until Lautner steals Lenny's daughter's Teddy, Until the deer appears from nowhere and bites Taylor Lautner in the balls, with their leader down the frat boys flee, Roxanne kicks Mrs Rielly for trying to give Lenny the kiss of life! Lenny and Kelly bury the hatchet and the film ends with Lenny apologizing to Roxanne about over-reacting to being a father again, speaking to unborn baby....and then Sandler Burp-Snarts, Because we have to ruin every nice moment, BECAUSE SANDLER FILM!
 

WE ALL KNOW THE LAW OF DIMINISHING RETURNS EXIST IN SEQUELS, BUT EVEN THEN, THIS FILM SUCKS MORE THAN THE 1ST!

First things first, let's do what seems Impossible and find some positives from this film.
It look 2 films but they finally put names to the wives and children, we no longer had Rob Schiender using his Man-Bitch Status to get work on a Daddy Sandler Film!

Unfortunately, Calling this a "Film" would imply a coherant Story, Something this Shit wrapped in Celluloid clearly Isn't! Though any film that begins with Deer Piss and ends with "Burp Snarting" and has 1 hour and 39 minutes between both events is vomit-inducing!

CREDITS
Grown Ups 2 was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli)
With Music and Content from
IN PART 1:
Bulk and Skull's theme by Ron Wasserman
Grown ups
And Part 2:
Grown ups 2
Grown Ups
All Media used Belong to their Respective Owners. All Rights Reserved!

"And what was that? You let a dangerous film out to be reviewed by god knows who!"
-Look I have important things to do! i have a date with a girl from Earth 33. You know that the girls from that Earth have Tails? The things they can do with...
-Why are acting like this? You would never be this crass and reckless! Is it this Arm? This Arm that not Yours, When you Punched Ed(Oracle tried to stifle the programming that made her refer to Eighties Lad as her Master)-My Master when he was possessed by the Cosmic Entity Of Rage, did some of it Pour into You? Because have not being yourself ever since your fight with-
-"Edwin?" I said, Oracle's looking over shoulder
"Hello, Enlightened!"

Edwin, Please stop this! If you are responsible for the portals or the kidnappings in the forest zone, Please, Come back to us!

Responsible? You are one to talk, dude! If it wasn't for you, we would not be in constant danger, everytime you disliked a video! We cannot afford to pick and choose Our Battles anymore, that's why I Killed Rage!
You Didn't just kill Rage! You killed all the Cosmic Entities! The forge of Creation exploded and created Heavenscar to block the rip in reality!
I have a little shocking swerve for you, brau, I didn't cause the rips! You are! You Mind is telling that this floating city shouldn't exist! and I didn't kidnap any people in the forest zones from Earth 5....
BUT I KNOW WHO DID!
(Edwin pressed a button on his belt buckle and teleported away! Around Eamonn, Yusef and Oracle, strange creatures teleported from nowhere. They looked like Apes but hairless with mottled Green and Brown skin, Long arms started on broad shoulders and ended with scythe like claws. Their legs were just as stacked, with feet like an apes. Their heads looked Humanoid But the Eyes were covered by Repulsive looking tumours, that ended with a nose like a tapir that twitched constantly in the air. Despite being naked from the back, Mud and leaves clung unto Genitals and in the case of females, grass wrapped around breasts! One creature roared at our heroes, Sharp teeth greeted them!)

TO BE CONTINUED....
NEXT MONTH!
It's Post Halloween, Pre-Christmastime, meaning i can shove a macabre themed Toy franchise at your faces! It's a sequel to last years Xmas Special: Monster High: Electrified!